starlit-spice

[starlit-spice]

so much going on. still adjusting to a new schedule and actually having a routine. life changes, work stress, external forces. it's a lot, but i am so glad it's going this way. just have to remember that there's always a light at the end of the tunnel, and one day, you will reach it.

work: been very good. only had my first real upset patient interaction a few days ago, so it's been calm and fun and amazing to learn. we just lost our main manager, so it's been hectic finding temporary solutions. everyone is still awesome and so so nice. it's relieving to find that 3 weeks in, no one has suddenly done a horrid 180. the overstimulation is really hitting, though.

home: still pretty calm. a few issues, but they were sorted out rather quickly. one housemate was thought to have c-diff, so we prayed to the gods that no one else got it. turned put to be a horrid case of food poisoning. cleaning is the name of the game this weekend, though, for the house appraisal on monday. honestly, there's not much to update otherwise.

friends: everyone is back to the norm and available for games, so we finally get to play again. starting a new marvel based game and possibly an old gods game. we are also planning on a legacy game of betrayal, which is looking awesome. i asked about playing holding on and was met with looks of shock and gasps of how dare. is there something i don't know about this game that i should?

partners: it's been insane. issues with children, past partners, surgeries, and conflict. they've decided to take a break, and i'm not too broken up about it, honestly. i really like her, but she also drives me insane. simple quick things constantly turn into me sitting alone in a car for an hour or more. just getting an answer to a question takes hours most of the time. and she seems to enjoy causing chaos or just attracts it.

personal: i'm not the best.. mental health is tanking a little. still adjusting to working again. overstimulation is a constant, just with a new source. i'm constantly stimming, and my mind wanders causing dissociative episodes, though they are short. the intrusive thoughts are turning darker. and the physical shit isn't helping at all. the joint pain has increased, and mobility is getting tougher. still no full answer as to what the cause is, but i go to the doctor beginning of may, so fingers crossed we learn something.

[starlit-spice]

well, it took a few days to process...but i successfully survived my first week back to work after 4 months at home. it was exhausting, overstimulating, and social...but also so very, very wonderful, fun, and validating. i hold hope close in the wish of this energy continuing..

work: in short words, absolutely and positively amazing. i feel welcome and valued, liked and proud. my coworkers are wonderful ladies who seem to like the younger energy i bring and actually took interest in me. i look forward to going every day, and i love the atmosphere in the whole clinic.

house: things are better. a discussion with all parties happened, apologies were had, solutions were discussed, and things are improving. people ask for help now, step back and talk. it's been a welcome breath of fresh air. i can actually interact and not feel angry or awkward.

friends: we have our first hunter game tomorrow after a few weeks' break. it's been rather chill for a while due to schedule conflicts and events. we get to go back on the hunt for lordly fae assholes, ghouls in no man's land, and revenants.

partners: there was a rather lengthy conversation between my partner and his girlfriend, of which i have chosen to abstain from hearing the contents, but whatever it was, i've enjoyed the change in both of them. more relaxed and easy.

personal: the addition of a schedule is already having a positive effect on my overall state, and happy energy is helping too. less bad thoughts, turmoil, and anxiety shakes. still looking for a therapist, i believe i need one rather badly. overall, positive trends right now, and we will continue it.

[starlit-spice]

today was not good. insomnia till like 6 this morning. finally crashed and got a few hours of sleep. had to get up for a few preplanned tasks, and i've felt dead since i dragged myself out of bed. the executive dysfunction was making that a fucking task, which made everything feel 10 times heavier and harder.

since the struggle to get up, i've felt like an under disappointment and annoyance. annoying with my issue finding any motivation ever, annoying with my antisocial tendencies in times like this. disappointing in not being able to clean or do housework half the time, disappointing in my inability to be alone in this mindset.

i constantly worry that anyone and everyone secretly wants me gone. that they'd prefer not to be saddled with the effort it takes to deal with me. that others find my existence inconvenient with how often i fall and spiral into depressive and anxious episodes, only to bounce back at random into a manic episode. i feel like it leaves people off-balance and just causes stress.

the constant mental whiplash in the changing moods is so exhausting and stressful. i either feel so energized that my soul could vibrate out of my body, or i'm so exhausted i can't function or even leave bed at times. i'm constantly chasing those moments where i feel entirely stable, happy, motivated. so fleeting, but so nice in the moment; everything is calm and happy and light and lovely.

i'm not certain that i'll ever permanently be in that state, but i hope that one day, it will be the majority. that i'll be able to join friends more often, attend interesting events, meet new people, and expand my chosen family. it may be years, or even decades, into the future, but i hold out a never-ending hope that it will be.

[starlit-spice]

i feel like an annoyance. like everyone just tolerates me, and no one really cares about me personally. my brain constantly says this kind of stuff, but it's worse right now. it tells me how i'm an inconvenience, a chore, something unwanted but necessary. i know why it's saying that, and that it likely isn't true, but it's hard to fight. it's hard to take supposed broken promises and realize they weren't actually that.

i just want a day, a time, something, of peace, and happiness. just all smiles and good thoughts. fun times and chill moments. relaxation and unadulterated joy. one day where everything goes right, everyone is happy, games are played, and memories made. of understanding, support, and camaraderie. of truthful statements, expectations and promises kept.

it seems like an incredibly tall order, even on days that my brain is good. it's an unattainable goal that would require participation and work from all parties, cooperation and compromise to smooth out issues and come to agreements. but it's so hard for everyone to be that way all on the same day. it's hard for people to make those choices, even on good days. even on days where it all goes right.

[starlit-spice]

why, for the love of all that is holy, unholy, and spiritual, do people have to be so fucking inconsiderate? just because you made the choice to do something, does not mean you get make everyone else deal with the consequences. we chose not to participate for several reasons. don't be a dick and push it on us anyway.

to add to that, said person doesn't have consideration for anything else. they have no concept of boundaries, think that everyone they know is their personal therapist, complain to everyone else about not having funds while they're busy buying 400 dollar stuffed animals, and seem to believe the whole world revolves around them. and offering to help where we are actually able to doesn't seem to appeal to them unless it's their idea.

some people really need to take a moment, put themselves in another's shoes, and just think about being a decent human being. in the meantime, i will continue to ignore them, leave when they start dumping, and keep to myself, my partner, and my dog. fingers crossed that they'll pull their head out of their ass soon.

[starlit-spice]

i crave stability.

while thinking over all the points i need to go over with my psychiatrist, i realized in the funniest way that i crave stability. i was thinking about what to say and imagined that she asked what i like to do right now, as usual, and said that i've been playing chill games. i thought about my current favorites, supermarket simulator and cell to singularity. both are laid back, relaxing time, calm games.

my childhood was tumultuous, and unstable, and chaotic. i spent so much time around chaos and undiagnosed mental illness that as an adult, i'm finding stability however i can. calm environments, need for structure and routine, chill games, conflict-avoidance. anything that will make me think of the opposite of my upbringing. anything to help me feel stable.

it's definitely a point that i will be bringing up to my psych, and to the autism tester next month. in the meantime, i'll continue looking for stability in areas lacking it. i'll continue to speak up for my needs and keep firm boundaries when needed. i know the motivation, so i'll accommodate it however i can.

[starlit-spice]

i've realized that i'm more sensitive to changes, in routine or expectations, than originally thought. it was evidenced by an event last night. we went to trivia, had a wonderful time minus a little overstimulation, and were going to get a crumbl cookies. i've been chasing the brownie for the entire week with no luck. finally, when i checked the app, it said it was in and i got so excited! we placed the order and drove the few hundred feet from trivia to the store.

i got out and went inside, checked in and moved to the side to wait. then one of the workers comes out and says that due to some prep mishaps, they were out of 75% of the menu. i got a replacement cookie, thanked them, then left. between the store and my car, i just broke down in frustration and disappointment. got into the car and my partner tried to talk me through it and figure out a trigger. and that's what we realized.

it sucks that my mind is wired that way, i hate that something to fucking small can cause a meltdown, but i just have to realize that life happens. it'll never be an immediate realization, but hopefully it will curb a meltdown before it's too big. they say the changes in routine are hard for those with autism, but i don't think most include the sudden changes in expectations.

[starlit-spice]

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[starlit-spice]

got the official job offer and paperwork for my new job. everything is filled out and sent in. the only issue i'm having now is that the official start date is still 3 weeks away. i am super grateful it's official, but i'm so stressed over money until then. just have to remember that it's getting better.

the meds have really kicked in, thankfully. pain is almost gone and i can move so much easier. side effects suck, but that wasn't something i was unaware of. they're manageable and honestly not too bad. biggest problem now is, again, mental health. i know it's going to be a constant in my life, always.

i've been slowly slipping into depression again with the constant setbacks. my thoughts easily turn to sad and dark if i'm not paying attention. stimming and distracting myself is a must right now. my brain continuously puts forth the worst possibility for every scenario.

being out of work for over 3 months, minus the one week at the most unhelpful job, has instilled a fear of not being successful or having the needed assistance to thrive in a new job. this group of coworkers seem so much kinder and open to a new person joining, so i'm trying to keep that in mind. hoping once i start work and get settled, everything will even out and get better.

[starlit-spice]

i've reached a state of persistent overstimulation and irritation. constantly feels like i need to crawl out of my skin or disappear forever. i hate being around most people, just voices irk me. i am being seen as an asshole and overreactor by housemates. i can't seem to figure out how to explain it in understandable terms.

hoping this state passes before work starts. i'll try to reflect and figure out the actual cause. why does every conversation seem like such a chore? is the currently constant pain the problem? once the meds kick in, will everything smooth out? will i be able to be around housemates without feeling the need to scream?

every time i seem to get things toward a good point, something new pops up and throws me for a loop. mental health is a constant state of fighting, always resisting the downward forces and clawing your way to stable ground. then having to do it again constantly after every fall back to the bottom. there's never a cure or permanent fix, but it's never impossible either.

[starlit-spice]

yesterday was absolute hell. insomnia hit hard monday night. tossed and turned for about an hour before i gave up. at this point in life, i know when it's useless. the only good things about it are the random energy to get stuff done and the oddly good mood i have pretty much all day.

i managed to fix most of the room that night. tv stand and cord arrangement. side table and finally set up my partner's smart lamp. reorganized and cleaned my desk. reorganized our catch-all table and the two shelves underneath. did all the laundry and put it away. cleaned and organized the cabinet. so much done finally, but the pain is really hitting now.

the next day, i managed to run errands and didn't skip one. had to talk to people, and while i did stim quite a bit, i was able to converse easily and with a genuine (if sleep-deprived) smile. i even had conversations with the floral clerk and cashier at publix and the cashier at the dollar tree.

got the free bouquet from publix for the 3 year anniversary of my user account. quite beautiful and perfect for the chaotic house, not too big and pet friendly. got crumbl cookies as well. had to stop for a vase but dollar tree has them hella cheap.

once i got home, I forced myself to stay awake till a more reasonable time. played my game for most of it, then made supper for everyone. immediately went to sleep after eating, and slept for 13 hours. got up early for a doctor's appointment.

that was interesting in itself, but the outcome is that i may have rheumatoid arthritis or some similar autoimmune disease. i hate that i may have another illness to tack on my bingo card, but i'm stoked to potentially have an answer. guess we'll see in a few days.

[starlit-spice]

got my passport card in the mail, and as i feared, it has the wrong gender marker. it's frustrating, and now i'm worried that the change i made at social security in december has been reverted. just because some pompous, self-centered assholes don't understand our community doesn't mean we deserve being erased.

ask the community to help understand, accept us as we are. what we know about ourselves cannot be overshadowed by what others think they know. we have to live with ourselves and our minds every second of every day. we have to go through stressful, and oftentimes scary as fuck, journeys to figure shit out.

i went through years of denial and misunderstood pain to discover who i am. it was hard and terrifying, but now i know who i am. i am transmasc. i am pan and love all good people. i have enough love and trust to have the honor of loving two people in particular. i am perfectly ok with being celibate and prefer to be that way. i am castien nox. i am me, plain and simple.

[starlit-spice]

"pains a part of life

it means that you're alive

it's sunny then it's stormy

and every scar's a story"

beauty in the hurting by jared benjamin

found this song today after not realizing it had been released. it's a wonderful song that you should definitely check out. it's reminded me that life will always be up and down. it will always hurt and be beautiful at all times.

got the wonderful news of a new job starting soon. it's amazing and far past needed, but it brings the anxiety and uncertainty of new social interactions and learning an entire new workplace. it'll be ok, i know that, but unfortunately mental health gives no fucks. it never does. i'll be leaning more heavily on support systems for the first few weeks, but i can't wait to start.

on the mental health note, i've been having worse nightmares again and don't know if it's stress or something else. really need to try to find a therapist, but i'm terrified to end up with someone horrid. it's necessary, though, as i don't want anything to affect my new job.

[starlit-spice]

we officially have a partner! she's wonderful and so sweet and really seems to care about us. still a work in progress on figuring out logistics and specific communications, but it's pretty rad. every time we hang out is always fun and full of laughter. hoping it all continues to go well.

mentally, i'm just continuing to think about the direction of the country and what it might mean in the future.. will i ever be able to publicly present as who i know i am? will i ever have the freedom and carefree attitude i deserve to love both partners? will my family and friends in the community be able to be themselves, ever?

people either can't see or don't care to see the detrimental effect this regime is going to have on our country, and is currently having honestly. people are being harmed and killed every day because hatred is being encouraged by those in power. families are being ripped apart and lives ruined because bigots are unjustly terrified of innocent people.

i hope and pray that we get the chance to live the lives we deserve one day. that supremacists and bigots finally fucking listen and think for once, and realize we are all humans. we all bleed the same. we all live in the same world with the same surroundings. we are all our own people and unique in our own way. why not let us live freely?

[starlit-spice]

"you must understand that there is more than one path to the top of the mountain." -Miyamoto Musashi

i've made it through another day.. survived and stayed floating. found this quote today, and it reminded me not to be so hard on myself. let my body guide me and listen when it says to rest or stop something.

healing takes a different form for every person and never works the same way twice. what works for one may not work for another. be patient and open-minded and find out what works for you, even if it changes.

though i've dealt with these illnesses and disorders most of my life, what helps in treatment and healing seems to change constantly. i've found that it helps to keep a health journal or something similar to track symptoms and measures to aid them. it also helps with showing your doctor what's going on and how often.

[starlit-spice]

mindset today has been horrid. from trying to sleep at all last night to the headache i woke up with, i've not been good today. and it seems like i might be slipping into a depressive episode. not had one for quite a while, but this one is hitting hard. my brain feels so unhappy and overwhelmed. i can't seem to stop having terrifying intrusive thoughts.

i can't seem to focus or stay calm for more than a few minutes. every time i think i'm ok and past it, the depression just rears back up and knocks my down to the bottom peg again. my thoughts are dark and scary, and i imagine i'll be embroiled in nightmares tonight. nightmares that have quite literally caused me to cancel things planned months in advance. they are so vivid and so real to me that i wouldn't be surprised if it's given me ptsd.

all i can do now, though, is cope as best as possible, cuddle my dog and partner, and try to pull myself up from the abyss.

[starlit-spice]

habits are something i struggle with, both good and bad. when you have a hard time with or are resistant to changes, autistic or otherwise, they can be a battle, and sometimes a war honestly. growing up in a home that didn't believe in mental illnesses or have an example to compare to, only child here, most of the symptoms i showed were either excused off or ignored.

i developed habits for stimming, like skin picking and constantly messing with or chewing my hair. everyday habits like hygiene and cleaning were never enforced. cleaning stressed me out, still does really, and showering and brushing teeth were and are a sensory nightmare for me.

over the years, as i've lived alone or with my partner, i've had so many issues with trying to make new good habits. i still struggle heavily with personal hygiene and will usually find any shortcut possible. my dental health is in shambles from years of being unable to make myself brush my teeth.

i will say, i've gotten better, especially over the last few years with my partner's help. i do still have trouble showering, still a sensory nightmare, but it happens much more often, and i've come up with solutions to aid in it.

cleaning was nothing i was taught or made to do. and any time i did clean or help out, my family always made it a big deal, which i absolutely hated. i don't like being the center of attention.

as an adult, i've had to research and ask people how to clean or techniques for it. what order do i clean in? when do things need to be cleaned? what do you clean certain things with? thankfully, i have an amazing support system and chosen family, so it's not been too hard. and there's always more time to learn.