theuncannyfuturisticjake

[theuncannyfuturisticjake]

Gun Control

This originally appeared on my facebook when someone wanted to keep it real and ask "oh yeah, smart guy, what would YOU do about home security?". I feel like I have it pretty well figured out:

Evan Williams, if we could...melt all the guns down into a bridge that lead to say.... Great Britain. I recently REALLY got into British culture like tea, Doctor Who, and caring about the royal family. You know, British stuff. I was watching this movie and Britain was in it and they had glowly shock wand things that they hit criminals with. I think that would be good. Maybe we could mount those wands on a cross bow or someother sort of hand help device? So, yeah, recap: Take all the guns away from everyone, melt them down to gun-bridge, get some Great Britain glow wands, mount those on cross bows. I really do think everyone would be happier with the Glow Shock Crossbow (Patent Pending). I think that most gun owners would feel much cooler in their ideal gun situation. You know, like the one where the intruder is standing at the edge of their bed? How much cooler would the previous gun owner feel if he could roll out of bed like John McClane, strike a ready-for-action stance and fire a Glow Shock Wand (Patent Pending) at this masked intruder? Or, maybe some one gave the previous gun owner the finger while driving. Now, this person could wave around their Glowand Launcher (Patent Pending) and just show it off. I think that would scare off anyone who thought this is the kind of place you can go around giving the finger to people! Actually, reading over this, it's starting to sound like I don't know what I am talking about even with the invention of the Glow and Blow Bow with Laser Targeting (Patent Pending). I think the long and short of it is (Long and Short versions available for the Bright Fight Glow Club Launcher- Patent Pending) that I really wish that we didn't live in a culture where domestic conflicts were not so easily 'won' by the push of button (pulling of a trigger). Maybe we lost our way and forgot how to either let things roll off our backs or confront them head on. Maybe if certain types of guns/rounds were unavailable, it would greatly reduce tragic shootings. Sure, the criminals will still get the weapons- but so will the people that are responsible enough to have them. For everyone else- might I suggest Baumgart's Multi-GlowMissle Handheld Launcher with Bluetooth Capability?

[theuncannyfuturisticjake]

I got two pieces of amazing news within 5 secs. #beardown

[theuncannyfuturisticjake]

Home Security Rebuttals

Sometime at my job I sell home security systems. Mostly clients decline because they don't want another bill after buying a house. Sometimes clients want to tell you that they don't need one because they have a gun/dog. That's a stupid reason. Here are some rebuttals to that reasoning:

I have a gun.

-“Yeah, my dad didn't hug me enough either”

-“oh, my mistake, I thought your name was Jim, not Terminator Rambo.”

-“And I bet you are a great shot when you are startled awake in the middle of the night by an intruder”

-“I’m glad you switched over from the samurai sword you kept under your pillow”

-“Cool! I can’t wait to kill some either! That’ll teach some kid in a hoodie to walk down my street!”

- “well, if you like expensive stuff you will never get to really use, you will love a security system”

-“But what happens if the intruder has TWO guns?”

  I have a dog.

-          “ but does your dog love you enough to fight of an intruder?”

-          “yeah, but dogs are stupid animals”

-          “Well, you know, someday your dog will die…like we all do”

-          “Yeah, but if I was an intruder, the first thing I would do is shoot your pet in the face”

-          “yeah, but dogs aren't that scary- you knows what is? A velociraptor. That’s better than a dog”

-          “You should probably keep a dog at every entrance to your home just to be safe”

-          “But a security system won’t just rip out your child’s jugular vein for no reason some day”

-          “but you know what doesn't wipe it’s ass on the carpet? A home security system”

[theuncannyfuturisticjake]

I already miss you, Weekend

[theuncannyfuturisticjake]

Did three minutes tonight on stage. Even when jokes aren't landing it's the best three minutes all week.

[theuncannyfuturisticjake]

Things That Every Episode of 'Young Justice' Needs

-every 5th episode the entire team (consisting of 20 or more characters) needs to be captured and held in stasis

-every episode needs at least one archer character (chosen from 6 different archers)

-every episode must address one of the 25 active love triangles/strifes

-every episode must include at least 2 Justice League members that fans of Young Justice won’t recognize (Captain Marvel, Black Lighting, Captain Atom)

-Every episode must include at least 2 villainous subplots (chosen from Reach, Luthor, Black Manta, Sportsmaster, Vandal Savage, Evil Beetles)

-Every villain must smile sinisterly a minimum of 3 times.

-Every episode must have at least two members of the Bat-Family in the background

- Every 7th word spoken by a Latin character must be in Spanish

- Every other episode needs to introduce a minimum of one new member to the team.

-All minor crimes and criminals are to be ignored. Only Extraterrestrial and Villainous cabals matter.  

- Every episode should have a mission that involves infiltration and general sneakiness.

-All infiltration/general sneakiness will be ruined and covers blown

-Each episode must start with G Gordon Godfrey (even though Young Justice Fans don’t know who he is)

- Each episode must involve a reference to Youth Culture (rollerblades, skate boards, backwards hats)

- Each episode must make use of in-world youth slang (created by middle-aged writers) that isn’t actually spoken by real youth.

- Each episode should remind viewers of each on-going under cover mission and also all deep cover missions and double agent missions.

-Every episode must address a character’s loyalty to Young Justice and address if they are really with the enemy instead.

[theuncannyfuturisticjake]

4th of July.

[theuncannyfuturisticjake]

I make these now.

[theuncannyfuturisticjake]

:) = :(

How is it when, I see people having a good time, it really makes me anxious and depressed.

[theuncannyfuturisticjake]

Notorious

It’s been  just over a year since I packed up all my worldly belongings, my dog and four of the best friends anyone could ever have and Uhauled it to Los Angeles. I like to think that, even though I grew up in the diverse-as-an-Oreo cultural landscape called North Georgia, I was a pretty worldly person. I was open minded to different viewpoints and walks of life. I had seen both sides of the tracks and realized there was good and bad on both. I was prepared for any culture shock L.A. was going to throw at me.

There is, however, one detail I missed. If the old expression of “the cream rises to the top” is applicable to people, then there is a thin layer of scum between the two. These people, I call, are The Notorious.

There are two thoughts that I feel permeate the parts of the country that don’t live in Los Angeles. 1) Everyone in L.A. is just trying to be famous. All the baristas and valets are starving actors, writers, and singers. 2) Everyone is on welfare and leaching off the government. This backwards human-utterance is usually followed by a racial stereo type and spoken by someone missing teeth, a belt loop, brain cells, or self awareness.

Let me go ahead and confirm for you that, in my experience, these two assumptions are false. They are perceptions that have been formulated based on misinformation and general laziness.  However, they aren’t COMPLETELY off track. So, let’s revisit them.

1)      1) The Fame Monsters. I’m sure there is a higher than average number of people out here that want pure fame. Oscars, Emmys, Grammys and Nickelodeon Blimps probably live in quite a few dreams out here. Sure there are people out here that just want straight up, mogul-status, fame. I mean, ask the guy skateboarding down Highland in nothing but hot pants, a red cape, and a sign that says “make me famous” what he is rolling towards. I doubt it’s a modest income and a benefits package that includes dental. No, the little Kanye’s and GaGa’s aren’t ruining this town. That level of fame does require some iota of hard work and dedication. That level of fame comes with stress and long hours and the ones that stay at the very top earn it. There is a level of fame at the bottom of the list and right above infamous that I like to call ‘notorious’. This level of fame comes from being the biggest fish in a man-made pond; of touching the stars without ever becoming one. This level doesn’t mean you’re the fifth Beatle, but instead the guy that’s best friends with Beatle number 7 and 9. It’s the guy or girl who everyone knows their name. You know, “oh, Captain Jeff who works at that record store and always wears an ironic captain’s hat and is into vintage motorcycles”. That guy.  They want to be defined by their quirks instead of the merits of their work. Everyone knows them but not for accomplishing anything- merely existing. Their fame, or notoriety, comes from just being a character in everyone’s life. The Kramer to a world of Seinfelds. So carefully are these images crafted that they must take up a week’s worth of thought and an afternoon’s worth of work.  Questions must be addressed like “what kind of crazy facial hair should I carve into my face” or “is everyone else wearing this outfit?”.  These people endure to become living caricatures or embodied one-liners. They have given their destiny’s over to a craft that could always be vaguely defined as art but not art before image. These people clutter the space where interesting things are happening by talented people. They are leeches that don’t want you to notice they have nothing but what they have sucked from other people. This, ladies and gentlemen, are the real Fame Monsters.

2)     2)  So how does one afford this lavish lifestyle? How can this constant stream of irony and reinvention stay afloat in a consistently anemic economy and a job market that turns its back on applicants with empty resumes? Why, suck up all that sweet, free, government money! Before I dive into this, I want to make it clear that social programs like welfare and food stamps are great programs. I support them completely and don’t think that there needs to be aggressive changes to the programs. I have personally seen these programs help families in need and wouldn’t want to strip them away because a selfish minority- but let’s talk about this minority. The minority that I have encountered out here are the Notorious. So dedicated to the cultivation of their new image and lifestyle that they couldn’t possibly be asked to pay their own way. Their career is gig life with no gigs because there just isn’t a job for a no-experience-having, soft-handed, talentless lout except maybe ditch digger (which is way too much like a job to begin with). This isn’t to say that you can’t live comfortably on a gig-to-gig lifestyle. Hell, that’s how most entertainers live after they reach a certain level of success. That’s how the business is. However, the stream of jobs coming in and being accomplished must match or exceed that of a normal job for this to work. So how do they afford those vintage rags and late night bar tabs? I mean , those cigarettes really pull the look together and they aren’t free. The money comes from a series of favors, advances and unemployment checks. This money is just barely enough to get by if you are ok with skimming off of other people. When that dries up there is always Uncle Sam. So what you have is a legion of young, able-bodied, adults who opt to not get a job and pay their own way. Instead, they live off hand outs, one-night money makers, and social programs waiting for that big paycheck that they will get for just being “themselves”.

So we aren’t drowning in singers, actors and writers out here. Sure, there is a ton of them, but, as the saying goes, the cream rises to the top. Instead, there is an infestation of people trying to get their foot in the door just so they have a nice place to stick their foot. They are Star Fuckers that make it look so easy and fun. They are clogging the opportunities out here and don’t take full advantage of what has been lucky enough to fall into their laps. I’m not afraid of the Fame Monsters- let them come. Instead, like roaches, I am sick of stepping around these wannabes; these quitters who have settled for a life of no effort, all claims to brushes with fame, and empty results that compound yearly. 

[theuncannyfuturisticjake]

For Natasha #1

[theuncannyfuturisticjake]

Dreeeeeeams!

Douchebag: "Are you making any money off these little shows?" Me: "not yet. " ----------------------- Kind of a profound moment for me between what-i-never-want-to-be and myself. Here are a few things I wish I said: Douchebag: "Are you making any money off these little shows?" Me: "Youre right- I guess I peaked here, cleaning shit out of your drains and mopping your floors" Me: "Good point, guess I dont know what Im doing. How can I fuck up quickly and end up like yoooou." Me: "FUCK YOU" (Then I break his legs and burn it to the ground) I mean, honestly, what an asshole thing to say to someone. In other news I just met Nick Swardson and I say Morgan Freeman. So thats cool.

[theuncannyfuturisticjake]

I had to work till midnight at Pizza, got in a fight in the street and almost stepped on a rattlesnake. I've done better

[theuncannyfuturisticjake]

I'm having one of those depression streaks but I'm trying to think about how cool today has been. First off, my sweet girlfriend came and visited me at work- even thlugh she is still sick. I mean, highlight of my day. She didnt have to do that. But she did. Second i have gotten to meet legendary comic creator Len Wein (even though he blocked me in at work and fucked up my night). Then a slew of comedians. DONALD GLOVER! Hannibal Buress, Aziz Ansari. Yeah, life is pretty cool. I just wish the chemicals in my head would realize it

[theuncannyfuturisticjake]

Sometime I eat Kryptonite. Or Jello. I forget.

[theuncannyfuturisticjake]

Best Power Girl redesign I have sern by http://mista-m.deviantart.com/

[theuncannyfuturisticjake]

Emma Frost, or "Grimey" as she liked to be called. By http://fetorpse.blogspot.com/