thestorminmyhead-blog

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Unreal

 Something incredibly tragic happened and it almost feels as if it’s a bad dream or a never ending horror movie. I just can’t seem to fathom how the circumstances become so terribly unbearable for him. The pain,anguish, and despair he felt is one that I have felt. Of course not the exact same because ones feelings are unique to the individual. However, I have been in a place so dark and deserted a place where demons corner you, taunt you, and laugh in your face.It is the true definition of hell on Earth a place our inconsiderate society chooses to conceal and undermine the true power it has over a person. I absolutely hate the fact that the topic of suicide and depression is one that is ignored; swept under the rug. We easily discuss meaningless topics all the time and the ones that are truly relevant we turn a blind eye to. If the conversation was started more often I honestly think that the communication of feelings and struggles between people would be a much more comfortable one and most importantly one with a completely different outcome.IF ONLY.. are the only words that I can say now because unfortunately I have already traveled to the dark world of depression and suicidal thoughts it is something I must live with until we come up with better ways to handle the disease that isn’t invisible or fabricated like some choose to convince themselves it is. Until then I must live between to worlds “Reality” and “Depression”. People will continue to commit suicide ,feel alienated ,and ostracized until we just can’t handle the amount of loss and ignorance not discussing it will bring upon our world.

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Messages from the universe

I haven’t really felt normal.... hmm normal isn’t quite the right word I would say I haven’t felt like I used to about things.My goals and dreams haven’t changed drastically  however, I guess because I changed my perspective and how to go about achieving them I have been rewarded. It is as if the universe is telling me because you have chosen to grow and change I will now allow you to have these things.Therefore because I am prepared to care and value my gifts from the universe.I have been given the opportunity to finally achieve one of my goals.I am content and proud of myself. I want to remain humble and control the pride arising within me because there are still so many things I have yet to do. what I owe to the universe is a HUGE Thank you 

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I have what I need

I don’t really know when exactly it happened but I was enlightened one day something, somewhere said “ I’m going to teach you one of the most important lessons of your life”. This lesson was the fact that I had to acknowledge that every single time I stated that I was in need of something I was terribly mistaken. Nowadays people have gotten into the habit of saying “ I need this” “I need that” more often than not it is not something they need just something they want. As stated before that is the exact mistake I am guilty of I failed to notice that I didn’t need those things I simply wanted them. You see the thing is once we acknowledge that we become much happier and things are more fulfilling because we learn to appreciate and admire the things around us all the things we once ignored such as the beautiful stars in the sky at night when there aren’t any street lights around or the nice breeze that blows on cool day. Personally what I learned to appreciate the most is each and every day of life I am given because it is a blessing to wake up in the morning and have another chance to live to be with family and friends.

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Diary Entry : the way music makes me feel

By giving myself the chance to sit back and experience life this past year has inspired so much musically. Everything I learned , each new cut , new friend,mistake,accomplishment. Most importantly, every drop of pain and happiness life brought along. Music is something that touches my heart and soul not just a sound that hits my ears. It is something that holds and comforts me in my darkest moments. It is something that puts the feelings I feel into the words I can’t think of.

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Diary Entry : Everything happens for a reason

I believe the people we meet the jobs we work the relationships and friends we make and lastly the people that hurt us are all meant to be in our lives we are meant to learn from everything we encounter in order to grow and reach the goals we set for ourselves even if its something so small it can be mistaken as a completely meaningless event when we look closely there are reasons as to why it happened and it changed the course of events that followed after i don’t really even know where I’m going with this but I have just looked back and learned a lot from the simplest things and even the people I didn’t want in my life i learned from the people we lose we lose so that we can learn to appreciate the ones that remain in our lives the places we live our talents likes dislikes all have a purpose in this life just look beyond the events of our repetitive everyday lives and see the bigger picture 

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Filling the void

I like to compulsive shop when I am lonely as if those things will help me feel better I don’t place much importance on material items, but I  am always searching for the next new thing to make me “ happy”. I’ve made it a goal to follow through with projects that I am truly passionate about. It is hard to motivate myself since my void has been brought to light again I was ignoring it for too long pretending , concealing, I have been crowned the queen of starting things and not finishing them due to that. But I have promised myself that each day I will try to do what I set to do. I have been walking around with this little black cloud over my head for too long, and like they say after the storm comes a rainbow I need to find my rainbow because it is most definitely time for the storm to end. 

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sweet melodies :

a musical genius whom is very close to my heart. please appreciate his music as we can no longer show him the appreciation and love he deserved.

JONGHYUN the collection story op 2 album

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elaborate

They say that those who are the saddest find the most pleasure in making those around them very happy. Even though I am lonely I never want anyone to feel alone, Even though I am sad I never want someone to shed a tear , Even though I am not happy with myself I never want anyone to feel like they are not enough. I am a living contradiction and I fully realize and acknowledge that. I aspire to live my life giving and not expecting because I want to be genuine and not give with that thought in mind.I want to fill the void for those who are struggling even if it means I make mine bigger. I am a miracle I was face to face with death at the age of 2 I almost feel like I was given another chance at life to help others live theirs to the fullest. I know I don’t make any sense it should be me striving to live my life to the fullest but for some odd reason I feel a sense of guilt like I received a gift I don’t deserve.

[thestorminmyhead-blog]

lonely

Recently my lingering loneliness and depression has been consuming every part of my being. On days when I don’t have anything planned or work I find it so difficult to get up and work on things I love or just being motivated. It sucks to look at the person I see in the mirror and think “who are you ?”.The saying “ I could be surrounded by a crowd of people and still feel lonely” is completely true. Some of the friends I have been there for in their hardest moments have just flaked and be completely unreliable or maybe that’s my depression speaking and making me view things in that manner. Maybe just maybe have I been to dependent on them filling the whole that is my emptiness inside. Have I let my pride get in the way for so long that I just don’t know how to ask for help anymore?. Sometimes I wish to sit across from someone who I don’t know someone who has absolutely no knowledge or preconceived notions about who I am as a person and lay out my thoughts and feelings for them to interpret just to be able to understand how they are viewed from someone else’s perspective.

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update:

I am back after what feels like an absolute eternity. Honestly it took a lot to come back and put my feelings in writing and put them out to world feeling comfortable. To be be completely truthful I began this blog with the goal of becoming very popular and relatable  to people everywhere ( popularity) but by not coming on for awhile and experiences the ups and downs of life in 2017 I had to face the fact that this blog should’ve been an outlet for self expression something I could document feelings I felt and memories I lived through not what I thought someone else would like. This is not for someone else this is for me to look back on. 

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Quote of the day :

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Sweet melodies:

Clouds- Before You Exit 

This song literally brings me to tears it is beautiful. Dedicated to the late Christina grimmie. Give it a listen 

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Sweet melodies:

This was my gym song for today really gets you pumped.

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This is how I feel (original poem)

 Everyday people put me down 

Sometimes I feel like I am going to drown in pain 

I feel isolated and empty 

Like this is pain only I can feel 

All the time I get the feeling

And thought in my head  “ Am I good enough for anyone ?” 

I don’t let out my feelings I just hold them tightly in my heart 

I try to act like what people say doesn’t hurt me 

When in actuality I feel as though I am being stabbed in my aching heart

I don’t like to look back 

Because all I see is myself going through the torture other people enjoyed

At home I wonder what I can do

Always trying to change myself When I shouldn’t have to 

I just can’t seem to accept myself the way I am 

No matter what I wear no matter what I do 

I can’t cover up my scars 

I’ve been through a lot 

Letting everyone and everything cut me up 

While I walk down this hall 

Where nobody comes out without being wounded 

It’s exactly these places where the emotional suffering happens 

Where some choose life or death

 I take a moment to myself sit and think “ what kind of life is this?” 

What can I do to change it ? 

What can anyone do to change it ?

Whose life is this ? 

It is my life this is how I feel 

Only I can change it 

Only I have power over myself 

So I have chosen to be strong be my own source of happiness 

Everyday I surprise myself 

How I get back up and keep going 

through all the chaos in my mind and heart

I keep going 

This is  an original poem written when I was in my first year of high school. At the time I was still coping with death of my father, adjusting to my chaotic family life, dealing with my mother’s verbally and physically abusive companion ( I don’t really know what role he played in our lives). Most importantly the bullying I unfortunately had to deal with because no one was helping me I looked for help and people said they would help but never followed through because of this I had lingering thoughts of suicide I just wanted to take control and end it all. The depression I was suffering from since I was eleven getting much worse but no one ever noticed because I hid it so well I also never let anyone to get to close for fear of being exposed or being called a cry baby , attention seeker, charity case, or pity party. I wanted to build myself back up so badly I didn’t want anyone to know anything that I had been through or was going through.

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Diary Entry: Healing after the Heartbreak

It has been a year,a year that I spent being broken,asking questions and building myself back up.As I write this I am coming to terms with the fact that you actually helped me by breaking me the way you did.I know this won’t make sense to other people but it makes sense to me and that’s all that matters.Through the pain,the heartbreak , and loneliness I learned that I cannot depend on other people to make me happy, to complete me.In the words of Rupi Kaur “ i do not want have you to fill the empty parts of me i want to be full on my own i want to be so complete i could light a whole city “. Through this experience I became whole, happy , smarter, and wiser.And you know what instead of hating you and wishing you the worst I’m actually thankful because without you coming into my life I would have never become who I am today.However, I will not give you all the credit because most of my growth has been due to my strength and hard work in order to build myself back up. I can now stand alone and be completely fine I can be my own person not trying to mold myself into a person I don’t even recognize. I don’t feel anything when I look at you ,  I don’t feel that way for anyone because I realized I don’t need anyone I would like to have someone but I don’t need someone.I will not look or wait around for someone either when the time comes it will all fall into place for me. As for you I wish you the best because at one point you were a friend , someone I cared for very much............ So as you walk through that door I’m glad it’s her around your arm and not me.

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The Hunger is real :

Kimchi Jiggae is delicious it is a great combination of beef, tofu and kimchi ( there are other ingredients these just standout to me)  definitely worth trying. It’s especially delicious to dip a spoonful of rice into.

Picture credit: https://mykoreankitchen.com/kimchi-jjigae/

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Diary Entry : Dear Best Friend

I just want to start off with saying that you mean a lot to me I want to have you by my side for a long time. Let’s grow and learn together. Even though we have a close relationship there are still many things we don’t know about each other I hope to break down the walls that are between us.There is a lot of pain and doubt in your heart and mind that I wish I could get rid of.I wish you would let me in a little closer sometimes. I don’t say meaningless things I really do wish the best for you. I wish you would tell me honestly and without hesitation when you are having a hard time when you need  someone to just simply listen. I know you are having a hard time you have fallen into the bottom of a pool so deep you are struggling to reach the top I want to be the person to dive in and pull you back up. Please let me do at least that for you. I wish you knew how talented and smart you are. Stop selling yourself short ... settling. I hate to see you that way I see so much potential in you. Stop being afraid , making excuses , or giving up before you even begin. I wish you would use the incredible strength I know you possess to attain the things you want to get to where you want to be. Also age doesn’t mean anything you constantly mention it as if it is a brick wall between you and your dreams when in reality it is an invisible barrier your mind has created.As previously said let’s grow together realize our dreams. You give me so much support and strength I wish you could do the same for yourself (of course I will do the same for you ) Don’t forget about yourself in order to push other people up. I love you so much there isn’t anything that I am afraid of sharing with you I want us to be more like sisters instead of friends as if we have the same blood running through our veins.