#zero notes

[asteraceae-blue]

Ummmmm kudos to the ENTIRE production team for the MOST REALISTIC PORTRAYAL of labor I have ever seen on TV. The PTSD was real on that one (two women writers on this episode which does not shock me in the slightest, I know they put their whole bodies into that one).

[atlantis-just-drowned]

Okay I can't fucking take it anymore I need to lay all of the proofs on the table and figure out whether or not I'm actually crazy

This is not a mental health coming out post. Or maybe it is. Who fucking knows. I'm just trying to figure out whatever the fuck is going on with my brain.

I've been running around in circles for more than a year trying to find the truth while simultaneously denying it. Here I'm just going to list it all under the cut once and for all. And then, I don't know, I'll just hope for the best.

For most of my life I've always been experiencing conflicts "with myself", or my "conscience", or whatever I called it. I always felt cut in small parts, like there was something inside of me fighting against me

This has been a recurrent subject in my life. I started writing diaries at 11 years old and ever since then, there has been multiple entries, spread over several years through all of those diaries talking about "the little guys in my head", "the different parts of me", "the other half of me", "me and my conscience", etc, etc etc... I even wrote dialogues between them

I've been through a fair lot of traumas in my childhood. My coping mechanism at the time was to escape in my imagination, to invent worlds were I was someone else, with a different name and different personality, and I lived a different life. I thought there was a door in my wall that let me access to this "other dimension". I had a lot of imaginary friends. Basically I dissociated a lot

This one might be slightly less meaningful but I've had sudden personality/taste changes happening to me more than once through my life. When I was younger I suddenly stopped liking crepes and affirmed I never liked them when I very much did, though I can't remember ever liking the taste. My parents won't ever stop retelling this tale as they swear it happened so out-of-the-blue that they never understood what has happened to me. Later in middle school, I didn't like mangas and found them weird, until I woke up one morning and suddenly I loved them, without transition. It just hit me like a flash. More generally, I never truly felt like I was the same person through all of my life. It's like different me's existed at different periods, in cuts, and got replaced by another me after a while, but are still all existing inside of my head

Those changes can also happen on short periods of times. I'll start feeling weird and disconnected from my body, and behave/talk/walk/write differently from the usual. I had people asking me if I was intoxicated when I was completely sober, because I didn't "seem like myself". I had moments where I suddenly felt like an 8 years old child. I don't always recognize myself in the mirror. My gender change like the weather in a way where it's not mine, but it's like another gender overlaps my own. The pitch of my voice can also change

I never experienced black outs. I've seen people talk about the concept of "grey outs" which I recognize myself in, and more generally there's events or entire periods of my life I can't remember about, or barely, and in a way where I know the facts at an intellectual level but have no distinct, first-person memories of it. But no black outs. I'm always here but different, or floating above my body, but never absent

However, I do experience strong thoughts that aren't my own. Sometimes they're directly addressing to me. It's not voices but like very clear and distinct messages sent through my brain

I don't know where I'm going with this. I feel like an impostor and a bitch for even just talking about it. I know for certain that I don't have DID. As I said, I do not experience black outs and some other symptoms of this disorder, and I do not recognize myself entirely in the experience of DID systems.

Ever since I started giving more place to those 'parts', I started identifying distinct ones, with their own traits, quirks, personalities, vibes, etc. Close friends of mine also identified some of them over time. Some of them always had names that they identified with right away. But most importantly, they all have a "special goal/function/trait" that's specific to them, and for some of them, their origin can be traced way back in my childhood and their influence has been identified at different periods and in different aspects of my life

I came back later to realise I forgot to mention this, but I do experience depersonalisation and/or derealization a lot. I have stronger episodes when experiencing specific things but on a daily basis I'm almost always "not entirely here"

So what am I doing this post for? No fucking idea, honestly. Maybe so that I can't keep pretending like there's nothing happening. Maybe so that the people around me will understand a bit more what's going on with me. Maybe so that someone will tell me I'm not going crazy or faking it. The only thing I know is that if I don't post this now, I'm going to chicken out yet again and never be fucking honest about it. I'm kinda tired of ruminating the problem all alone, and if I don't reach out I'll never trust my own judgement on this issue. So let's just do this and see what happens.

[lanadel-heyyy]

gale: no it’s just unfair. i’m leading, he wants to pass, he pushes me, i push him back, and then after he pushes me off the track. it’s just unfair.

peeta: nothing, it was just an ‘inchident’ in the race.

[moxx-n-angel]

Me whenever I post things about my OC / in-universe lore:

[queen-mihai]

Oh hey you know something cool I did? I fixed this one light that had broken. The process required soldering and I haven't soldered in a long time. But it worked!

[wizzard890]

that "sensible discourse" thing bugs you so much because you're a Leo and drama is life to you. please let us pedantic nerds have our nitpicky fun in peace

[mindlessdweeb]

It feels so weird being older than pretty much all my favorite cartoon characters

Like I used to have crushes on these mfs when they were older than me and now it's weird

[feather-dancer]

What do you think of Wishmaker having consequences like that cucumber guy being green now or the Dino huggie guy being pink

Basically small changes including people that wanted to be a cat, being a furry now?

Cucumber guy.

[delusion-of-negation]

having a midna/link moment. i’m here for it

lowkey kin the wolf twink, highkey wanna fuck the gremlin lady

[lieutenant-amuel]

What the heck Tumblr.

[so-much-for-subtlety]

LGBTQIAC

[monkeyballwiki]

here at monkeyballwiki we’re a FAMILY

[jackredfieldwasmyjacob]

i've now listened to my favourite song live. en fin. what a day.

[queen-mihai]

Completely random

Thanks to my new avatar, I kinda wonder what it looks like with my profile saying some of the semi-raunchy stuff that I say.

"Scots get sex in Cumland and cum in Sexland"

- Tumblr Angel Princess

"Dictators' houses LOVE being on fire"

- An Angel

"I can't stand dogshit backwards disingenuous arguments. The people who make them need to fuck off"

- Can't make this clear enough. Halo. Wings. This is an angel saying these things. And a princess.

Eh not like any of it's real anyway. But it's just fun to ponder 😜😇🥰😂

[crownspeaksblog]

This zero notes thing feels so much worse than having nothing.. like okay i get it..

[ceylonsilvergirl]

@cooltastrophe

Absolutely perfect 😚👌

say it ain't stoat