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wonderfulworldofmichaelford · 2 years ago

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Psycho Analysis: The 50 Greatest Comic Book Superhero Movie Villains

I think it’s pretty obvious I love villains, considering I have this whole series dedicated to talking about them. And anyone who has followed me for long enough should know that I love superhero movies. So, naturally, I love comic book superhero movie villains. They’re fun, they’re over the top, they’re colorful… They’re the best kinds of villains, especially when a great actor gets pulled in to play them. So why not bring Psycho Analysis back in time for the holidays with a big villain list special?

Here’s the thing: For a long time, comic book movie villains were pretty shitty. You had fun, campy ones every now and then, but most of them were really boring or just plain sucked. You had generic doomsday villains all over the place, or villains who were disrespectful of their comic origins (looking at you, Galactus). Or that’s what I thought going into this, anyway. Turns out there are a lot more villains I would say are genuinely great than ones who I’d call shitty. It’s just the shitty ones are so shitty you think they’re the rule rather than the exception. But that’s another list; right now, we’re celebrating the villains we love to hate.

The rules of this list are simple: So long as the villain has appeared in either a standalone comic book superhero movie, a superhero movie series, or is part of a superhero cinematic universe, they are fair game for this list. I bent the rules a tiny bit in a couple of places, but this is the one consistent rule. This means no Teen Titans Go! To the Movies Slade or Shredder, because despite being based on properties that started as comics, they’re based more on the cartoon version of the characters.

Here are the honorable mentions, the villains who didn’t make the cut for one reason or another (but who I think deserve a shout out regardless): Scarlet Witch (Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness), Gorr (Thor: Love & Thunder), Jigsaw (Punisher: War Zone), Hela (Thor: Ragnarok), Carnage (Venom: Let There Be Carnage), Ebony Maw (Avengers: Infinity War), Steppenwolf (Zack Snyder’s Justice League), The Motherfucker (Kick-Ass 2), and Black Mask (Birds of Prey). Special shout outs to Mr. Mind (Shazam!) and Darkseid (Zack Snyder’s Justice League), who would definitely be on this list if they actually had a chance to do more than look cool and foreshadow future movies (ones that will never happen in the latter’s case). And an apology to Cottonmouth of Luke Cage, a show I have sadly not had a chance to watch; if fan reaction to the character is anything to go by, he’d have ended up on this list. Oh, and if I included comic book movies outside superhero ones, I’d probably have thrown Gideon Gordon Graves (Scott Pilgrim) and maybe, possibly Xerxes (300) on the list as well.

Now, on to the list! Oh, and be aware: There are SPOILERS liberally sprinkled throughout the little blurbs I wrote for each villain.

50. Poison Ivy

Batman & Robin

Even in a film as campy as Batman & Robin, Poison Ivy is outstandingly campy. Uma Thurman knew exactly what she was doing, making everyone’s favorite sapphic, slutty supervillain the icon she deserves to be, even with some truly stupid haircuts. If only Harley was in the movie.. it boggles the mind.

49. Taserface

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2

Taserface is one of the funniest minor villains ever. I mean, look at him. This man is absurd, and calls himself “Taserface!” But he’s also scarily effective, pulling off a brutal mutiny and killing most of Yondu’s crew. The man gets no respect up until his death, but he never stops being entertaining.

48. Riddler

Batman Forever

Jim Carrey in his prime as one of the most over-the-top and cartoonish villains in Batman’s rogues gallery? Yes please! This is one of the single campiest performances in either of Schumacher’s Batman films—and that’s saying a lot. He can grate on the nerves a little bit, but Carrey is just having way too much fun. Really didn’t need to see his bulge, though.

47. Sandman

Spider-Man 3

Thomas Haden Church gets big points for being the spitting image of Flint Marko, but he also deserves some credit for delivering a genuinely nuanced and emotional performance in the hot mess of a film he’s in. The scene where he is created is still to this day one of the most powerful moments in any comic book movie ever, a fantastic display of visual storytelling and impressive effects work congealing into a shining moment in a film that doesn’t have many.

46. Obadiah Stane

Iron Man

Stane is a weird one. On the one hand, he’s a precursor to every bad villain in superhero movies to come, as he ends up as a Big Gray CGI Monstrosity with the same powers as the hero. On the other hand, Jeff Bridges is just so delightfully hammy and he is the first of his kind in the modern age, so I think it’s fair to cut him a bit of slack.

45. Red Skull

Captain America: The First Avenger

Hugo Weaving may have initially had little respect for the role, but there’s no denying he put good work into it. Red Skull is sinister, hammy, and deliciously evil, perfect for the pulpy adventure tale of Cap’s debut. I mean, the man backstabs the Third Reich because he considers himself eviler than them, what more could you ask for?

44. Milo

Morbius

Look, you knew at least one “so bad it’s good” villain was gonna be here, and I’ve gotta hand it to Milo; he really makes the most of Morbius’s meticulous mediocrity. Matt Smith I’d clearly having the time of his life, giving a dramatic performance better than this movie deserved and a hammy supervillain performance that this movie desperately needed. And let’s not forget the man has the sickest dance moves this dude of Bully Maguire.

43. Bane

The Dark Knight Rises

The Dark Knight Rises may not be the greatest finale ever, but it did what so many Batman adaptations fail to do: It acknowledged Bane is a cunning mastermind behind the muscles. Throw in an awesome performance from Tom Hardy and a mind-boggling amount of meme-worthy lines and you have yourself a fantastic villain. His truly embarrassing final fate and the fact he was pretty blatantly whitewashed are the only thinga keeping him so low on the list.

42. Violator

Spawn

Spawn may not be the best superhero movie ever, but if there’s one shining spot in it (besides how cool the titular character is), it’s John Leguizamo’s madcap performance as the demonic Clown. Despite being steeped in grimy gross out comedy, he still manages to be fun to watch, mainly because literally everyone around him finds him as disgusting as the audience does. And even if his demon form is hit with janky PS2 CGI, he still manages to get in some badass lines and moments. Bottom line: Leguizamo did not eat actual maggot pizza to miss out on this list.

41. Bullseye

Daredevil

Colin Farrell did not miss the mark with his portrayal of Daredevil’s assassin archenemy. It’s such a fun, hammy, laughably evil performance that helps add a bit of fun to the edgy proceedings by being basically a literal cartoon character come to life. Now if he only got that fucking costume…

40. Arthur Harrow

Moon Knight

Transforming a minor, unimpressive villain from the comics into a credible threat onscreen is par for the course for superhero media, but few end up quite this impressive. Most of the credit has to go to Ethan Hawke, who really gives it his all as the sorcerous cult leader, but I think the imagined version inside Marc’s mind that’s the head doctor of the psychiatric facility is where he really shines, as it plays with our perception a bit.

39. Ultron

Avengers: Age of Ultron and What If…?

Here is a villain desperately seeking a film worthy of him. James Spader is giving such a fun, engaging performance with only a couple of hiccups, but everything around him is just so quippy and stupid that the film struggles to take him seriously. Still, he deserves a spot here at the very least for his incredibly realistic villain origin: He took one look at the internet and decided humanity needed to be destroyed. And hey, if nothing else What If…? gave him a chance to shine and be the threat he deserves to be!

38. Ulysses Klaue

Black Panther

Andy Serkis sadly gets offed halfway through Black Panther, but even with his limited screentime he has become a beloved minor antagonist. It helps he managed to have a fantastic cameo in Age of Ultron (one of the sole bright spots in that film), and that for his role as the first act’s villain in Black Panther Serkis approaches the role with such humor and grimy charm that you’ll probably feel bad when this scumbag ends up in a body bag.

37. The Thinker

The Suicide Squad

The roulette wheel of villains in The Suicide Squad eventually lands on Peter Capaldi’s maniacal mad scientist, and while he doesn’t have any major fights he manages to steal the show with just how slimy and egotistical he is. He’s just a nasty, awful bastard, and being responsible for the final villain going full kaiju rampage is worth making it on this list.

36. Lex Luthor

Superman Returns

It’s so fucking sad that despite being used in almost every Superman film ever made, the onily time his most iconic foe was ever good when he was played by real-life creep Kevin Spacey. But hey, being a villain in real life gives just the right touch of unhinged ego and cockiness Luthor needs.

35. Top Dollar

The Crow

When I made the list of the 30 best comic book superhero movies, I left off The Crow, mainly because I didn’t think of it as a superhero movie (it’s more like a friend to me if I’m being honest). Kind of a harsh snub there, so as an apology Michael Wincott’s effortlessly cool and needlessly cruel gangster overlord gets to take a place on this list. Not many people can bang their half-sibling and still come away being awesome, but somehow owning the Six-Fingered Sword from The Princess Bride and using it in a duel probably goes a long way towards making Top Dollar one of the most memorable crime bosses you’ll ever see.

34. Dr. Sivana

Shazam!

When you have a villain as silly as “Doctor who harnesses the powers of the seven deadly sins because of darkness in his heart to get revenge” you need a damn good actor to pull that off. Mark Strong is a damn good actor, and this is a taste of what we could have had if they let him play Sinestro more than once. I for one can’t wait to see him take orders from an evil caterpillar!

33. Sabretooth

X-Men Origins: Wolverine

Liev Schreiber makes his first mark on this list as Wolverine’s ultraviolent archenemy, and easily the best part of Origins. He’s fun and menacing, and a lot more memorable than whatever the hell that poser in the original X-Men was. The greatest crime of the franchise (besides piss-poor continuity and bad writing and over reliance on Wolverine) was never bringing back Sabretooth to plague good old Logan one more time.

32. Penguin

The Batman

In a movie as dark as this, we need a little bit of levity. Enter Penguin, here imagined as a cartoonish mobster that would almost be out of place if this movie didn’t clearly have a bit of West influence in it. Colin Farrell is no stranger to playing hilariously cartoonish supervillains so in his role here he excels, and it’s easy to see why he’s getting his own spin-off series.

31. Sebastian Shaw

X-Men: First Class

Long before he spent Christmas with the Guardians of the Galaxy, Kevin Bacon terrorized the X-Men in one of their best outings. While he’s not winning any points for comic accuracy, he definitely wins points for being responsible for Magneto’s start of darkness, being the one who killed his mother (and thus a Nazi). He’s a slimy supremacist bastard, and it’s oh so satisfying to watch Magneto make sure there’s zero degrees of separation between his skull and a magnetized coin.

30. Ozymandias

Watchmen

As is often the case with Snyder’s Watchmen, the movie misses the point a bit here. They turned the charming, charismatic, muscular Chad that was the comic Adrian into a cold, brooding, emotionally distant soyboy. It kinda ruins the surprise that this dude is the evil mastermind. Still, with how slavishly loyal the film is, it still manages to make Veidt one of the finest and most morally complex supervillains to hit the big screen… he’s just not quite as impressive as his comic version (though really, who is?).

29. Zemo

Captain America: Civil War and The Falcon and the Winter Soldier

Zemo is the obvious evolution of the supervillain archetype Loki codified, but he is far more refined. His motives are solid and understandable, his methods are heinous enough to root against, and he makes some valid points. Then he proceeds to do what not even Thanos could: He tears the Avengers apart. He’s the rare villain who actually wins, the rarer villain who actually gets to live, and the rarest villain of all who gets to return, steal the show with awkward dance moves and praising Marvin Gaye, and—most crucially—look cool wearing a purple sock on his head.

28. Ocean Master

Aquaman

Good old Orm doesn’t make the list by being the deepest or most complex character (though he’s not lacking in depth and is pretty understandable in some of his motives), but by being just so delightfully comic booky. He’s hammy, he poses, he wears a silly helmet, and he acts as a great narrative foil for our hero. Bonus points for not only being a villain who is at least a little justified to the point he’s redeemed—by the power of love, no less!—but one who survives the movie to get more development later on.

27. Doctor Doom

The Fantastic Four

The unreleased Fantastic Four film of the 90s may have been hobbled by a budget consisting of change they found in the couch cushions, but the love and respect for the source material always managed to shine through. Nowhere is that more evident than with Doom; he’s hammy, he’s grandiose, he has a giant castle and throne room, he acts like everyone except him is a total idiot, and he won’t stop calling Reed a douchebag even when he’s about to fall to his ambiguous death. He may not put up much of a fight, but this Doom is head and shoulders above Dooms with a thousand times the budget.

26. Justin Hammer

Iron Man 2

Iron Man 2 is a sloppy film that was a grim omen of problems that would plague the MCU later down the line, but it did one thing right in giving the world the inimitable Justin Hammer. Where Tony Stark is an idealized fantasy billionaire who is actually a good person who wants to help people, Hammer is a more realistic take to serve as a contrast. He’s smug, he’s smarmy, he engages in all manner of illegal activity to undermine his betters, and most crucially he is an incredible idiot. This man is basically the MCU version of Elon Musk, but where Musk’s attempts at trying to be cool are pathetic and cringeworthy, Hammer’s attempts to ape Tony’s style just serve to make him endearing. And do you think Musk could ever have dance moves half as sick as Hammer’s? Get real.

25. The Grandmaster

Thor: Ragnarok

It’s Jeff Goldblum as space Caligula. ‘Nuff said.

24. Mr. Freeze

Batman & Robin

People have ragged on Arnold’s campy Freeze for years due to his non-stop barrage of ice puns, but much like his home movie he’s honestly not as bad as the haters would make you think. Schwarzenegger is adept at both comedy and drama, and is able to deftly balance the tragic melodrama of Freeze’s backstory and his campy cartoonishness, all while wearing one of the coolest costumes ever seen. And you know what? The ice puns aren’t that bad. Chill out.

23. Prowler

Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse

Uncle Aaron is an inspired take on Uncle Ben, a character who has been done to death (literally). The positive dynamic he has with his nephew is familiar, but the fact he has a criminal alter ego who is relentlessly and unknowingly hunting his beloved nephew down for Kingpin is a fresh take on a tired tale. He still dies, and his death is the catalyst for Miles to fully embrace being Spider-Man, while alive he is equal parts menacing force and tragic figure. With apologies to Miss Octavius, he’s definitely the best secondary antagonist in the film.

22. Penguin

Batman Returns

Danny DeVito’s portrayal of Penguin as a tragic, deformed monster as opposed to a classy gangster has gone on to inform basically every portrayal of the character since, to the point where sticking closer to the character’s roots is seen as weird. It’s not a surprise, though; DeVito manages to make Penguin a menacing, creepy villain as well as a pitiable figure all at once.

21. Vulture

Spider-Man: Homecoming

Michael Keaton is no stranger to comic book movies, and here he demonstrated he is just as adept at playing badass villains as he is at playing heroes. Taking one of Spider-Man’s corniest villains and giving him a high tech upgrade and sympathetic motivation was a smart move, as was keeping him noble even in the end. Of course, his best scene doesn’t even have him in his bird suit; it has him in his regular clothes, slowly piecing together the truth about Peter while the boy sits in the backseat of his car. Keaton’s acting in the car ride scene is something else entirely.

20. Loki

Marvel Cinematic Universe

I was personally not a huge fan of Loki’s turn as an out and out doomsday villain in the first Avengers movie, but it’s hard to deny his impact on the medium and how he was the first villain in the MCU to actually have nuance, which was much better showcased in the Thor films. And you’ll never hear a bad word from me about Tom Hiddleston’s performance, which is fantastic no matter what he’s in, up to being the best part of every episode of What If...? he’s in. It’s no wonder Loki got his own spin-off show with all that in mind.

19. White Dragon

Peacemaker

Peacemaker’s dad is probably the biggest piece of shit on this list, being an openly racist neo-Nazi supervillain and one of the most abusive fathers you’ll ever see. By all accounts he shouldn’t be as cool as he is, but between Robert Patrick’s fantastic performance and James Gunn being a master of writing conflicts between parents and children like this, he becomes an enjoyable hate sink you oh so badly want to see get what’s coming to him. And even better, despite being built up as a genius inventor and badass villain, he makes crucial errors in his suit’s construction that leads to his demise, showing once and for all that for all their posturing, white supremacists are just fucking morons who fold like wet paper at the slightest opposition.

18. General Zod

Superman II

Terrence Stamp took a villain who wasn’t quite iconic and managed to make him on the level of Luthor when it comes to Superman villains almost anyone could name, to the point where Stamp’s portrayal influenced the comic version going forwards. He has an air of class and menace that makes it pretty easy to want to kneel before him. Zod has become a little overexposed, being the go-to Superman bad guy when they don’t feel like using Luthor, but when the original take was this good it’s seriously hard to fault them too much.

17. Mysterio

Spider-Man: Far From Home

Mysterio isn’t just brilliant because he’s a fun, meta take on a great goofy comic villain, with him and his team essentially being Marvel movie creators gone bad, fabricating CGI spectacle to gain accolades. And he’s not just brilliant because of that fantastic illusion sequence where he puts Spidey through a dizzying nightmare trip. No, he’s brilliant because not only did he convince the world at large that he’s an incredible hero, he managed to convince some audience members that he’s just a poor, innocent worker who was taken advantage of by his former billionaire boss (which ignores so much, but especially that he’s working with someone who was complicit in dealing arms to terrorists). He’s certainly not a hero, but he’s most definitely a master of illusions.

16. Starro

The Suicide Squad

Starro serves as the final boss of The Suicide Squad, unleashing kaiju destruction on Corto Maltese. And like all great kaiju, there is an air of tragedy to the big starfish; he never wanted any of this, in its final moments choosing to lament how content it was to simply drift through space before it was kidnapped and forced to undergo perverse experiments at the hands of the American government (and particularly Thinker). Starro doesn’t even want to fight the Squad at first, implying it’s grateful to them for freeing it from torture. The Squad may not put much thought into how tragic Starro’s lot is, but the audience sure will.

15. Agatha Harkness

WandaVision

In a technical sense, Agatha didn’t do too much wrong besides gaslight Wanda in an attempt to steal her powers. Sure, she kidnaps Wanda’s kids and kills their dog, but none of those things are real; and sure, she hypnotized Ralph Bohner (heh) into thinking he was Quicksilver, but it’s no worse than Wanda’s mass brainwashing of Westview. But she just relishes so much in being a wicked witch, from her torment of Wanda to her insanely catchy villain song, that I’m inclined to take her word for it and say she’s a bad guy. She’s definitely getting some kind of redemption in her own show, but for now Kathryn Hahn camping it up like she just walked off the set of Hocus Pocus can take high marks on this list.

14. Amanda Waller

DC Cinematic Universe

I don’t think there has ever been such an impressive turnaround for a comic book villain ever. It was never a matter of Viola Davis, who gave her all from day one, but a matter of how abysmal the writing in Suicide Squad was, portraying her as an incompetent idiot who was still allowed to get away with everything in the end. Once Gunn took the reigns of the franchise, though, Waller finally got her due, sending an entire squad to their death as a distraction and basically playing 4D chess for the whole movie. She gets her comeuppance too, so it’s a lot more satisfying watching her win a few schemes when you know she can lose a few too. Being a greater-scope villain for Peacemaker just further cemented her as being the magnificent bitch the character should be; we can only hope she keeps it up in her next major appearance.

13. Kingpin

Daredevil (The movie and the Netflix series), Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse

It’s honestly amazing that a villain as seemingly simple as Wilson Fisk has not only been done differently three times in ways that make him cool and engaging, but he’s also maintained a high level of quality in every appearance. Michael Clarke Duncan brought size and intimidation to his version, doing so well despite Daredevil’s weak theatrical cut he got to reprise the role in the underrated Spider-Man: The New Animated Series; Liev Schreiber voiced the memeiest version of the character to date, one who even holds the distinction of killing one Spider-Man and inadvertently creating another; and Vincent D’onofrio is so good he managed to pull the entire Netflix Daredevil show into the MCU canon with his appearance in Hawkeye. Fisk would be the easiest villain in the world to half-ass and make generic, but we’ve been blessed with fantastic actors in the role. Kingpin gets the distinction of being the one of only two villains with multiple entries in one spot.

12. Kilgrave

Jessica Jones

David Tennant is the third and final former Doctor to make the list, and he’s so good at being a bad I bent the rules ever so slightly to get him in on the list. The canonicity of Jessica Jones to the MCU is a bit unclear right now, but do we really want to live in a world where his fantastically chilling performance is Thanos’d from the timeline? A walking avatar of rape culture and a laundry list of microagressions, Kilgrave is one of the slimiest, most sadistic, most reprehensible characters ever conceived… and yet you can’t help but love to hate him.

11. Catwoman

Batman Returns

There have been plenty of Catwomans in film, with her being portrayed as a hero, an anti-hero, and even a silly Silver Age villainess. But I think Miss Kyle was done best as an antagonist in the hands of Michelle Pfeiffer, who absolutely nails the dynamic between Selina and Bruce (and their alter egos) as well as portraying the inherent tragedy of this take on the character. Throw in Pfeiffer looking damn fine in that costume and her handling the whip like a pro, and you have what might just be the purr-fect Catwoman.

10. Namor

Black Panther: Wakanda Forever

Phase 4 of the MCU was largely uneven, with villains who could have been great under better circumstances being held back by sloppy narrative choices. Big names like Gorr and Scarlet Witch were let down by weak stories, so there was a sense of dread I had going into Wakanda Forever that they’d let down one of Marvel’s oldest and most iconic anti-heroes. I had nothing to worry about in the end; Tenoch Huerta brought the character to life with all the charm, charisma, and command of the screen the Sub-Mariner deserves, and boy does he look good. The story treats him with the respect he deserves (no jokes about his ankle wings!) and while he’s certainly no Killmonger, he easily cements himself as a fantastic anti-hero who you can’t wait to see more of. And really, I can’t stress this enough: He is really fucking hot.

9. Riddler

The Batman

I’m sure I’m in the same boat as a lot of people, where I saw the Zodiac-inspired getup of the new Riddler and thought this was going to be a Nolanesque gritty reimagining of the character. But lo and behold, we got something infinitely better: A Riddler that utilizes all manner of gruesome Saw traps while also maintaining the hilarious campy quality that’s inherent to the character. He sends personalized greeting cards with clues, he hosts evil livestreams for his fans, he sings “Ave Maria” to Batman, and most importantly he has a sick sense of humor. I love Jim Carrey, but he ain’t got shit on Paul Dano when it comes to riddlin’.

8. Joker

Batman: The Movie, Batman, The Dark Knight, and Joker

Joker is a character who always manages to get a fresh take despite being absolutely done to death, and each interpretation highlights a different aspect that makes the character great. Romero’s Joker is very much the playful, criminal prankster; Nicholson is the swaggering, comically violent gangster; Ledger is the chilling, maniacal anarchist; and Phoenix is the disturbed, broken man who had one really bad day. And the one thing common across all of them is that each of them has made the Joker a consistently compelling and engaging villain. And while he hasn’t done enough yet to get in on this spot of the list entirely, Barry Keoghan deserves a shout out for portraying Joker as he truly is: A giggling, hideous, conniving freak.

7. Thanos

Avengers: Infinity War and Avengers: Endgame

Thanos was a villain nearly a decade in the making, getting teased in The Avengers before making sporadic appearances here and there. His lack of direct action in the franchise had some worried… and then he stole the show in Infinity War, kicked everyone’s ass, and emerged victorious. They managed to take a villain whose main goal in the comics is to fuck a skeleton and somehow make him work, namely by keeping his headstrong self-righteousness intact even if he isn’t trying to bone the grim reaper, with Josh Brolin delivering one of the finest performances of his career. There are other villains that are better than him, but there aren’t any villains who truly feel as grand of epic as he did, and with DC dropping Darkseid from their cinematic universe it’s doubtful there ever will be one again, at least not for a very long time.

6. Doctor Octopus

Spider-Man 2 and Spider-Man: No Way Home

Alfred Molina’s Otto Octavius is an excellent contrast to Dafoe’s Goblin. Where Gobby is hammy, hilarious, and gleefully sadistic, Octavius is grandiose in a more understated way and a lot more tragic, while still managing to be as fun as a mad scientist with robot tentacles should be. You can definitely tell Molina is bringing his stage acting skills to the table here with how he carries himself and delivers his lines, making Octavius stand out among the more traditionally campy villains in Raimi’s other films. He got to return for an encore in No Way Home and gets the awesome fight scene and redemption arc he deserved, fully rounding him out and giving the diabolical doctor a happy ending all while proving that he makes movies better just by being in them.

5. Xu Wenwu

Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings

Shang-Chi would be a nearly perfect movie if not for one thing: It kills off one of the single greatest and most complex villains in the MCU for a CGI dragon battle. They managed to take two of the most infamous “Yellow Peril” characters in pop culture (Fu Manchu and the Mandarin) and gave him depth and complexity, his complicated relationship with his children driving the plot more than anything else. It’s a testament to how good the writing and how good Tony Leung’s performance is that he’s this high, because despite his death the impact on his children doesn’t disappear just because it’s time for CGI monsters. This more than makes up for how lame Guy Pearce Mandarin was, that’s for sure.

4. Ego

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2

Familial conflict is the cornerstone of many great villains, and Ego has that in spades. At first it seems like Marvel’s living planet has undergone adaptational kindness, with him genuinely coming across as a fun father figure to Peter, but that just makes the big twist hit even harder. Ego becomes even nastier retroactively, as on top of what he did to Peter’s mother and scores of his own children, the holiday special reveals Mantis is his child and he only kept her alive as a slave for her powers. He’s genuinely one of the nastiest, most twisted villains the MCU ever showed us, and he more than lives up to his name with his narcissistic plan to reshape the universe in his image. Kurt Russell absolutely knocked it out of the park with his performance.

3. Magneto

X-Men film series

Be it Sir Ian McKellan or Michael Fassbender, you could always count on one thing with Magneto: He’d be one of the most compelling parts of the film. Watch McKellan and Fassbender carry The Last Stand and Apocalypse, respectively, and see how this iconic anti-villain can make even the biggest turds watchable. And when the movie is genuinely good, such as X2, First Class, or Days of Future Past… That’s where the real fun comes in. Magneto is one of the single greatest characters ever created, and thankfully even with the spotty track record of the X-Men films it never felt like he wasn’t given his due.

2. Green Goblin

Spider-Man and Spider-Man: No Way Home

We can argue all day about whether or not his costume is stupid, but one thing that is utterly inarguable is that Willem Dafoe delivered the gold standard for hammy supervillains. Playing up the Goblin as something of a split personality, Dafoe can instantly switch from the sympathetic Norman to the cackling Gobby with ease, something really demonstrated by his return in No Way Home. Across two cinematic universes, Gobby proved himself to be Spidey’s greatest and most personal foe, and more importantly than that he proved to be an endless fountain of memes thanks to his insanely quotable lines. If you’re making a cackling, campy comic book movie villain, they are gonna have to try really hard to make it out of Gobby’s shadow.

1. Erik Killmonger

Black Panther

When I began making this list, there was never any question who number one was going to be. Of fucking course it was always gonna be Killmonger, a villain who is so cool, stylish, badass, and complex that he completely redeems the film’s awkward PS3 cutscene of a final battle thanks to his genuinely impactful death scene immediately after. He’s so good that when he shows up for a surprise appearance in Wakanda Forever he absolutely and completely eclipses how great Namor is and reminds us all why he was such a great villain with only a single scene. What’s most impressive, however, is that technically he did win in the end, being directly responsible for T’Challa dying as well as inspiring him during life to open up to the world and try and help black people around the world. Michael B. Jordan proves once and for all that whatever problems his role as Johnny Storm had, it wasn’t on him; the man is one of the best actors of our time.

#Psycho Analysis #villains #comic book superhero movie villains #DC #Marvel #comic books #list

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ash-and-books · 2 years ago

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Rating: 2/5

Book Blurb: A joyful summer romance that Jason June, New York Times bestselling author of Out of the Blue, calls "Swoon-worthy!” This is not how soccer-star Zack Martin thought his summer would go. When the captain's prank means trouble for the whole squad, Zack’s left with no choice but to take one for the team and cover for him. Now he’s trading parties and beach days for community service at a seaside conservation center—fair enough. But thanks to his new reputation, the cute intern, Chip, won’t even give him a shot. Still, Zack finds himself falling for Chip between dolphin encounters and shark costume disasters, which means he suddenly has way more on the line than he ever expected. Zack may be good at winning on the field, but can he keep up the lie without losing himself?

Review:

When a star soccer player takes the blame for a prank he didn’t do in order to cover for the captain’s prank and protect the team... things begin to spiral for him, especially when he begins his community service at a seaside conservation center in order to try and win over the cute intern who wants nothing to do with him. Zack Martin has it all: he’s a shoo in to be the next captain of the soccer team, he’s popular ( to the point where theres an 8 foot tall poster of him around school), he’s got two best friends, and he’s good looking... except things are not as great as they seem. He’s suffering under the pressure and anxiety that being popular is, he feels like at any moment he’s going to be a disappointment to someone. He’s so focused on trying to look good and pleasing everyone that he’s crumbling apart and upsetting everyone. When the captain of the soccer team pulls a prank he ask Zack to take the fall for him and Zack agrees because the guy said he’d come clean about it right before the vote for captain and that Zack would be protecting the team by doing this... except now everyone thinks he’s the kind of person who would do such a thing. it doesn’t help that he has to do community service now and now has to juggle not only practice and conditioning the team but doing community service all while trying to find time to hang out with his best friends. He also happens to run into a cute guy named Chip who turns out to be head intern at the seaside conservation and Zack immediately starts working there to try and get Chip to give him a chance despite Chip rejecting him. Zack is breaking under the lie and the fact that he is beyond stressed. He can’t seem to get along with his teammates or make them actually like him, he’s fighting with his best friends, and he doesn’t know how long he can keep lying to Chip. Can Zack sort this all out before it explodes in his face and he loses himself? This one wasn’t what I was really expecting, I was hoping for a more summer cute seaside read but what I got was the very drama filled journey of a teen who can’t seem to get his priorities straight and keeps making the wrong decisions. The romance wasn’t really there for me either, like they just didn’t seem to have that much chemistry and I honestly would have been happier with Zack ending up alone and growing from this entire experience. Zack has a lot of growing to do in this book and there was a ton of soccer teammate drama and friendship drama in it. Overall if you are looking for story about someone who is growing and learning to be themselves then this is for you, it has a light romance in it too.

*Thanks Netgalley and Inkyard Press for sending me an arc in exchange for an honest review*

#book review #bookish #lgbtq books #lgbtq reads #ya lgbtq books

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sakurarisen · 8 months ago

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Okay, took a little longer than I meant for it to, but Sera's carrds are now fully updated with all the new lore and info! <3 I've added a dedicated section for the phoenix lore here, holding the full, overall lore, Aria's continuation after its end, and misc regarding Sera/Aria in full - Including mentions that while Sera is Aria, Aria as a power is resting and tucked away, choosing instead to let her chosen human form Sera have the lead of things. Sera does not have access to her original abilities and power as phoenix unless absolutely forced into its use; she may be able to tap into tiny bits of it here and there at the cost of severely draining her energy and requiring bed rest level recovery, but she will not be able to use her original form nor power without outright killing herself - And even she wouldn't know if this death would be permanent or not. Best to keep it a last ditch effort kind of thing.

Added to my rules based on the above: Please do not automatically know about the phoenix lore unless things have been plotted out that way. While I'm beyond happy to finally understand more about Sera and the things she's hidden from me for years and the chance to actually put it into play for things, a major side effect to the countless rebirths and lifetimes she's been through, as well as Aria's sealing of her power to become Sera, has been to put memories of her previous lives in a box and put them aside. Sera does not know she's Aria, let alone a phoenix, and while I would love to (eventually!) explore things in regards to this, I'd rather it be plotted out first, as phoenix lore is incredibly old, and would truly only be known to those with ties to mythological beings on/about first meeting.

Also added to match in that rule is to please don't know Shayan is Zack's son on hello without a solid reasoning for it. While Shayan might look a great deal like his father and be recognizable if you know Zack, the fact Zack has kids at all is not something he, Sera, nor their kids talk about without reason, and are rightfully concerned for their safety, especially Shayan's, and even more especially in FF7 verses. Of course, for this rule in general, if your muse has a canonical reason to know these things that's great! <3 But this stands for those that don't, for personal reasons. <3

I've also updated the appearance of her scars and how they affect her healthwise, her name in the general section (Seraphina Fair rather than Mayuzumi/Fair), added an aliases mention (which currently is just Aria and The Snow Phoenix), and added mentions in the personality section to how she can be with others when fully, completely comfortable, provided they're all right with it.

Most things have been rewritten in some form to have more of a 'general' feel to them over '7 specific' - Anything related to 7 verses is explicitly now mentioned as 'in FF7 settings', for example, to keep both on one carrd - There isn't much that changes between general info and 7 based info, and anything that is different is either mentioned there or on my divergences page.

The GI verse carrd has seen a good bit of rewriting to reflect new info, including a bit of a verse entry blurb on the landing section and heavy rewriting and tweaks to her misc.

I still have to go through the Spellbound related sections and do another skim of the blog itself for anything that still needs updating, but for the most part, I think I'm done with the primary stuff that needed editing! <3 Sorry for the super delay in getting all that done - It's been a busy week, but I'm excited to get things into play and the like! <3

~Pom

#Out Of Poms [OOC]#Updating Pom.EXE [Blog Update]#I've been working on this pretty much every day because I really want it to make sense @w@ <3 #Also because while Aria = Sera and vice versa #That doesn't really mean anything is going to change with Sera?#Accessing her power in full has ALWAYS been like signing herself up to die - that's not new #But I wanted to note why it is and what lies under that icy surface she knows if in there #Also the new rule is mainly a preemptive thing #Those who know me know I've been in some really toxic situations in the past #And I just want to keep most bases covered with all the new people around the fandom and all <3 #I am a frequently nervous pom puppy yes XD

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stormenchantra · 2 years ago

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𝕆ℕ 𝕊𝔸𝕃𝔼 𝕋𝕆𝔻𝔸𝕐 - $.𝟡𝟡 ˜”*°• Blurb •°*”˜ Sometimes your happy ending finds you when it is least expected. Sometimes it catches you by surprise For Raelynn, her happy-ever ending showed up when she went back home to the small town she swore she would never return to. Needing to return home for a funeral and settle estates, Raelynn wants to be in and out. However, life has other plans for her. 𝓡𝓪𝓮𝓵𝔂𝓷𝓷: I swore I would never return to Bradford, Arkansas again. I barely made it out alive five years ago. When I get back to the town for my Gran's funeral, I also try to say goodbye to the past that torments and traumatizes me everynight. Of course, life isn't fair and never easy. I learned that the hard way. My plan is to get in. Sign the papers. Get out. Change my name and never look back. ᶻ𝔞ᶜᵏ : I moved to the small town in Arkansas with my boys and their families to start a life and leave something for generations to come. Never did I expect for the beauty to walk into my autoshop, but she did The first day in front of me and she passes out. I saw some things with her that I can't let go. I need answers. I have a strong urge to protect her. Will Raelynn find her happy ending? Will Zack be left behind? https://books2read.com/u/3LN0PJ https://www.instagram.com/p/CnXn1QsPNHf/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

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m-kyunie · 3 years ago

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tabloids — actor AU

#zakkura #clack #ffvii #ff7 #final fantasy 7 #final fantasy crisis core #Zack Fair #Cloud Strife #actor AU #theyre both actors in the FF7 saga etc etc read my Actor AU tag for the AU idea #finishing thi was like trying to pull teeth bro i wanted to abandon it SO bad. i like it too im just fckin LAZY #the Shinra blurb is from the WIKI lmfao anyw

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zacksephreunion · 2 years ago

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a no-context zackseph oneshot i wrote a while back. Takes place in that one scene where zack and sephiroth are off to nibelheim, where sephiroth admits he's considering defecting:

“Depending on what happens, I may abandon Shinra.”

The words had little time to echo before Zack blurted out, “You’d leave me?”

Zack's words did echo, and their pathetic clinginess echoed in his mind even longer. His arms hung limp at his sides, his whole body feeling as if all his strength had left him. What was left was a painful anxiety that gathered in his face, that pinched his eyebrows and fixed his gaze on Sephiroth, who suddenly seemed so far away, despite only being across the room.

Sephiroth, for his part, showed some remorse in his stance. He ducked his head to the side, his shoulders squared but somehow still appearing hunched. His whole frame was angled away from Zack, and teetered on Sephiroth’s long legs, which pressed together as if to make himself smaller.

Zack didn’t remember when Sephiroth had started doing that—allowing himself to seem small—around Zack. But Sephiroth had, at some point, and it was still fascinating to witness.

“If I leave,” he began, carefully, “I plan to set out alone. It would be very difficult, and very dangerous.” Sephiroth breathed in, then out. “I could never ask you to do the same.”

Zack didn’t know when he’d started walking, back towards Sephiroth, but he was suddenly right in front of him, and Zack reached out his hand.

"Then I won't."

. . .

Sephiroth gasped when Zack slotted his right hand beneath his, and raised them until they were between their chests. Sephiroth suddenly felt like the maidens he had read about in stories as a child. His fingers were gently cradled in Zack’s palm, as if to Zack, Sephiroth’s hand was the most delicate thing in the world.

Sephiroth had to see it, to believe this was real.

And so he finally looked at Zack.

"I'll go with you."

Zack’s eyes…were so bright. Sephiroth never believed himself apt at reading human emotion, but he could swear that hope was blooming in Zack, right before his eyes.

Zack’s eyes were—impossibly—more beautiful than ever.

Sephiroth could feel his own expression soften, as it always inevitably did when he felt this particular emotion around Zack.

“Together,” Sephiroth could only whisper, and Zack glowed.

---

I wanna check the word count first but might just post this on ao3 lol. Basically, i want them to elope 😭 excuse the quality, all my little writings are spur of the moment rambles but i wanna have it somewhere that's not an old phone i don't use anymore lol

#zackseph #sephzack #my writing #fic #a teeny tiny blurb thing lol #i dont know enough lore or geography to even attempt something longer #zack fair #sephiroth #crisis core remake #crisis core reunion #crisis core #also the og reason behind sephiroth saying'together' at the end was bc #zack's og dialogue i wrote was 'we'll go together'#bc im a kh sucker #fortunately sephiroth's line works in either context #zack x sephiroth #sephiroth x zack #fanfic #fanfiction

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honestsister · 5 years ago

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ANYWAY Aqua hears Zack died and goes 'I think the fuck not' and drags him out of the underworld after punching Hades in the dick because she did not spend 10 gd years in the realm of darkness just to lose another friend- even if they didn't know each other for long.

#honest blurbs #kingdom hearts #aqua #aqua kingdom hearts #aqua kh #zack fair #zack deserves a happy ending gdi

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imaginesandbandfiction · 3 years ago

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This is the Instagram blurb for Fine Line and with that we’re all caught up with the series so going forward these will be uploaded every Friday, the day after the corresponding chapter!

Masterlist

We’ll Be a Fine Line

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harrystyles Live on Tour Melbourne

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harrystan1 IT SHOULD BE ILLEGAL TO BE THIS HOT

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harrystan2 @/harrystan1 Y/N LIKED IM—

harrystan1 @/harrystan2 honestly if they aren’t dating i’m throwing myself off a bridge

gemmastyles glad to see your go-to pose hasn’t changed in 20 years 😂

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yourinstagram couple days off in NZ

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yourbff I HATE YOU ITS COLD IN LA

yourinstagram @/yourbff sorry babe

harrystyles give me my shirt back

yourinstagram @/harrystyles make me :-)

harrystan1 @/yourinstagram @/harrystyles i hate it when mom and dad fight

harrystan2 @/harrystan1 i hope they break up, I miss him and Taylor together 😭

harrystan3 @/harrystan2 @/harrystan1 stop speculating about their relationship! it’s none of our business. if they’re together, they can choose if and when to share that but they owe us nothing.

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harrystyles g’day mate

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yourinstagram oh captain, my captain

harrystan1 have i died and gone to heaven?

hannahbananaaa shoutout to @/jefezoff for taking control after you almost flipped us

harrystyles @/hannahbananaaa :.(

yourinstagram @/harrystyles @/hannahbananaaa once again, Jeff is the hero

jefezoff @/yourinstagram @/harrystyles @/hannahbananaaa someone has to keep you kids safe

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yourinstagram GNO in Tokyo with @/hannahbananaa

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hannahbananaaa girlies night out

harrystan1 WHY ARE YOU BOTH SO PRETTY ITS NOT FAIR 😭

harrystyles me and Zack didn’t miss you guys at all

yourinstagram @/harrystyles sureeeeeeee

zackattack @/yourinstagram @/harrystyles manly night in > GNO

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harrystyles Live on Tour Tokyo I

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harrystan1 the light blue is doing things to me

harrystan2 y/n didn’t like this one 😭

harrystan3 @/harrystan2 she’s usually the first one 🤔

annetwist My darling boy!

harrystan3 he looks so sad 😞

Your Instagram Story

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harrystyles Live on Tour Tokyo II

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gemmastyles see you soon bro!

jefezoff a bittersweet night

harrystan1 omg Y/N didn’t like this pic either 👀

harrystan2 did Y/N leave tour early? it looks like she’s back home in her instagram story

harrystan3 the hair 😍😍😍

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softboywriting · 6 years ago

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Safe and Sound | Part 18 The End| Werewolf Shawn AU

Summary: You’re a human living within a pack of werewolves. When another supernatural being comes for you, Shawn takes it personally. He will do what ever it takes to keep you safe and sound. [babies mentioned]

|Masterlist In Bio|

A knock on the bedroom door pulls you out of a deep sleep. Shawn remains passed out beside you, tangled up in the sheets. You look around, glancing at the clock. It's nearly ten in the morning. You had slept in it seems. The knocking comes again, louder, more insistent.

“What?” You call out in annoyance. “Who is it?”

“It's Geoff. Shawn needs to get up, we have visitors.”

You shake Shawn's arm and he groans. His face goes from sleepy soft to serious in a split second. He sits up quickly, looking around the room for something, face scrunched up.

“What is that? What is that smell?” He growls, standing and sniffing around the room. He grabs his boxers and pulls them on. He's tears through his clothes, making a noise of disgust, like the smell is so bad he can't stand it.

You don't bother asking what he is smelling because you know it's a wolf thing and not something you can smell. “Geoff said we have visitors?”

Shawn lets out a deep guttural growl. “That's what it is. Our visitors are alphas. Stay here, but get dressed.”

You swallow thickly. Alphas, plural, meant trouble. Could it be the ones that Sam had seen by the river? The pack couldn't handle much more right now. “Please be careful.”

Shawn pulls a shirt on and leans over the bed to kiss you. “I promise I'll be safe. I'll keep my cool.”

You get dressed in your sleep pants and a shirt and you sit in bed for a minute or two, but you can't help but want to know what was going on. You creep out of the bedroom and stand along the wall to the stairs, just out of sight as you listen to Shawn talk to the alphas.

“Do you know what happened to Matt?” Shawn asks.

A woman's voice responds. “Most likely the hunter. We came here to warn your pack about him but it seems he already knows you're here. This hunter is a professional, non human if you ask me but we just don't know what he is. We think he summons monsters to help him. The hypocrite.”

“This hunter, he must be extremely dangerous if you're traveling together as alphas.”

“Yes. Dana here is my son but he killed there rest of my pack, and he killed Malik's as well. Both while we were away from our homes. We've been traveling to warn other packs while hunting him ourselves, this man will stop at nothing to kill wolves and anything else in his way. I promise we mean you no harm.”

You hear a soft voice that you can't make out from your position. It's as if they are talking intentionally so you can't hear them. There is a long silence that follows.

“Pup,” you hear Shawn say firmly and you know you've been caught. “Go back to the bedroom.”

You remain still, hoping he thinks he is mistaken. Of course he won't. He can pick up your scent from a mile away let alone the top of the stairs. Footsteps on the creaky lower stairs startle you and you move briskly toward the bedroom.

“Pup, why don't you listen?”

You freeze and turn to face him. “I'm sorry. I just wanted to know what the alphas were doing here. And I think they could help. They could help us catch the hunter. Just think Shawn, there's what, three of them? Plus you? So four alphas and a handful of wolves. There is no way that hunter could escape us.”

Shawn sighs heavily. He scrubs his hand over his face, walking toward you. “Listen, I'll discuss that with them. I just need you to stay in the bedroom. I don't want them to know what you look like or anything in case this goes bad.”

“What does it matter? If they wanted to kill me then they would have done so already. Besides my scent is all over the place. It doesn't matter what I look like. They would find me anyways. The point is they aren't here for me, they're here to warn us.”

“Okay, okay. But I still want you to stay up here.”

“Fine.”

Shawn pulls you into a hug and holds your head. “Thank you.”

______________________

Shawn doesn't want you to go out with the pack to meet the hunter. He says the alphas agreed to help corner him and take him down. You don't want to stay at the house alone. You just can't. If Shawn dies, if the pack dies, you won't know what to do with yourself. You'll have lost the two most important people in your life and then possibly have the hunter after you, you're not sure why, but it seems like the guy might because you're associated with wolves and you could identify him.

Shawn and the pack get ready to go that evening and you stop them at the door, pulling Shawn aside privately. “What about the fairies? We were going to get their help too remember? I need to be with you for that don't i?”

“Three alphas is better than the fairies. We need to stick to the current plan, one where you're not put in danger.”

You huff. “So I'm just going to stay here alone with Matt who can't do anything?”

Shawn kisses your head. “Yes, you'll be fine. I'll come back soon and everything will be normal again. Please, do not follow us. I cannot stress how important it is that you don't. I can't lose you.”

Your chest tightens up, tears burning the corners of your eyes. “Don't go. Please I don't want you to go.”

“Shh, I'll be okay.”

You grip Shawn's shirt and bury your face in his chest. “Don't leave me alone then. Just in case. Let someone stay.”

Zack steps forward from where everyone is standing farther into the living room, giving you two some space. “Shawn, I can stay. If things go wrong, it's not fair for her to lose both of us.”

Shawn looks back at Zack and nods. “Alright, Zack you stay. Everyone else with me.”

“Shawn,” you whisper and he turns back to you. “I love you.”

“I love you too. I'll be back,” he grabs your face and kisses you softly. “I promise we can be a normal couple as soon as this is all over.”

You nod. It's all you want, a normal life with Shawn. As normal as living with a pack could be, and not worrying for your life every time you stepped outside.

______________________

An hour passes and the pack hasn't returned. You have practically walked a hole into the carpet in Shawn's bedroom with how much you've been pacing. Zack has checked on you twice, but you don't want to chat any farther than that. Your stomach is sick with worry and you can't help but feel like something has happened.

The night is eerily silent, the wind coming through the window carrying nothing more than the sound of the rustling tree leaves. You keep your eye on the tree line for any sign of movement. Nothing.

When you're finally too antsy to wait any longer and you're about to ask Zack to go check things out, you see something move along the tree line. A deer and it seems to be walking along the edge of the yard as if it can't go any farther. You stop your pacing and watch, transfixed on this deers behavior. It's just...wrong. The deer continues walking it's strange path just on the edge until it sees the salt lick that Sam put out to attract them. It's then that it tries to change course to get into the yard but can't, as if blocked by an invisible wall and it's then you're sure there is something going on.

“Zack! Come here!”

Zack comes running into the room and you point out the deer. He is confused but watches anyways. “What's wrong with it? Why is it walking like that?”

“I don't know. Can you go check?”

“Yeah, stay here.”

Zack goes down and you watch as he crosses the lawn to where the deer is. He reaches for it as he gets closer and it bolts off into the trees. No surprise. Zack tries to walk into the woods after it but he's stopped, the same sort of force stopping the seer from getting closer is preventing him from going any further.

You go down to the kitchen and out onto the porch to wait for him to come back. As soon as he does you're asking a million questions a minute. What is that? Where did it come from? How is that happening?

“I don't know,” is Zack's constant reply. He really didn't know anything more than you did. But it worries you. If no one can get in or out of the strange forcefield then how would the pack come back home? Was that why no one had returned yet? How big was the forcefield?

A while later and you're back in the bedroom, watching the trees for signs of the pack, should they come back and not be able to get through. It's then that you see Shawn walk out of the trees. He is alone, and that worries you even more than the time it had taken for him to come back. He walks right through the invisible barrier and you are surprised.

You run down the stairs, skipping every other one, your heart pounding out of your chest. You throw open the kitchen back door and run down the patio steps to meet Shawn. His body is solid as you slam into him, arms around his waist.

Shawn brings his hand up and cups your head to his chest. “It's over pup.”

“Where is everyone?”

“Cleaning up.”

“Oh. What took so long? What happ-...y'know what, I don't think I want to know. Is everyone okay?”

“I wouldn't tell you if you asked. Just know it's over, and yes, everyone is okay.”

“Thank God. How did you walk through that forcefield thing? What was that?”

“Forcefield...what are you...oh, the fairies..the fairies! They must have helped us keep you safe. I asked for protection for you when we got to the circle. I didn't see or hear anything so I figured maybe they weren't around anymore.” Shawn wraps his arms around you and he picks you up, holding you up against him while you wrap your legs around him. “They must have take down the forcefield when the hunter was taken care of.”

You squeeze Shawn close, gripping his back tightly, never wanting to let go. “Let's go inside.”

“Mmhmm, I could for for a shower with you right now, and a long good night's sleep.”

“I think we can do both of those.”

Shawn leans his head against your shoulder as he walks you toward the house and you scratch the back of his hair gently. “Good, because I'm so tired. Being on edge for weeks is exhausting.”

“I know. We can relax now.”

______________________

One year later

“Jackie! Where is Eli's blanket?” You yell from the living room as you scour the furniture and under the toy box by the fireplace. You could never find anything in this new house, it was too big.

You and the pack had moved into town just about two months ago and you were all still settling anf getting used to a bigger house with a totally different lay out. A lot of things had happened in a year. Zack and his girlfriend got engaged. Sam and Matt had a baby, and they even got their own place at the same time you and everyone else moved into your new place. Shawn got promoted to lead trainer at the gym and you started babysitting for Sam and working with Zack's girlfriend at her catering business.

“I’ll check upstairs.” Jackie says as she passes you. “Did you try your bedroom? Didn't you change his diaper in there?”

You pick Eli up out of his rocker seat and carry him against your chest to your room. “I’m so sorry bud. I know I gotta take you home but we can't go without your blanket.”

Eli fusses softly but goes quiet against your shoulder. He was a good baby. Sam and Matt we're very lucky.

You turn around, not finding the blanket and deciding to check the bathroom when you find Shawn standing in the doorway of the bedroom. “Oh, hey, you're home early,” you smile and he grins softly at the baby.

“Mmhmm, and you still have Eli?”

“Yeah, I can't find his blanket. Jackie is looking upstairs for me.”

Shawn reaches out and you pass Eli to him. He's so small compared to him. Shawn's whole hand covers his back and part of his little butt. “I'll hold him while you look around. I never get to hold the little stinker.”

“Hmm I think I you're just soft for little babies.” You run your hand over Eli's sparse fluffy hair. “I haven't forgotten what you said the first time we slept together.”

“Neither have I.”

“I've been thinking about it lately and I think I want to start a family too.”

Shawn beams, laying his cheek against Eli's head. “Sounds like someone has baby fever.”

“You two are so grossly in love,” Jackie says from the hall.

You and Shawn turn to look and she is holding up Eli's little elephant blanket. “You're just jealous.”

Jackie rolls her eyes. “Hardly. Now go take Eli home before you decide to keep him.”

Shawn laughs. “He is pretty cute...I dunno.”

“Oh stop, but I'm sure if you want to keep him a little longer Sam won't mind. She probably has errands to run after work anyways.”

“No no, I'll take him home. Besides, I'd like to work on having my own.” Shawn grins at you.

“Ohmygod, can you not?” Jackie scoffs and hands over the blanket. “I don't wanna know when you guys are going to be fucking.”

You take the blanket and Shawn walks out of the room, bouncing Eli against his chest. “Oh we'll make sure you aren't home. Don't worry,” you chuckle as Jackie rolls her eyes and heads back to the kitchen where she had been making lunch.

You and Shawn get Eli bundled up and ready to go. His diaper bag is packed, bouncy seat folded up, and his fold away bed is tucked neatly into its carrying case. Shawn helps you load up the car as you strap Eli in to his car seat carrier and then you're off to take the little guy home.

Shawn grabs your hand as he turns down the street to head to Sam and Matt's apartment. He brings your knuckles up to kiss softly. “You're sure you want to start a family now?”

“Yes. I'm very sure. Taking care of Eli has made me want to have something that special. I want that, my own baby to take care of every day. I want to wake up and see a smiling little baby face every morning.”

“They aren't always smiley you know.”

“Yes I know, but there's far more good than bad when raising a child. It's what I want if it's what you want.”

Shawn pulls into the lot of the apartment building and turns off the car. “I would love nothing more. I promise you I will be there for you and the baby every day and night. I can't wait to share that with you.”

“I can't wait either.”

“I love you pup,” Shawn grins, leaning over to kiss you.

“I love you too.”

The end.

______________________

Thank you for everyone who supported me through out this fic and didn’t lose hope that I would ever finish it. Thank you so much to everyone who has reblogged and rec’d and shared this fic. Thank you for all the comment and asks and replies and messages. Everything you guys do if not taken for granted and I love everything you guys give me as feedback and encouragement.

Thank you - A

#shawn mendes series #shawn mendes fic #shawn mendes fanfic #shawn mendes au #shawn mendes writing #shawn mendes fan fic #shawn mendes fanfiction #shawn mendes fan fiction #shawn mendes werewolf au #shawn mendes story #shawn mendes fluff #my fic #Safe and Sound

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ariseur · 8 months ago

Note

id like to request a zack fair x reader... they're college roomates and zacks a total flirt and while reader denies it for funsies, after a really bad date with some frat boy, zack comforts her and she changes her mind?

micellar water 𓆩ꨄ︎𓆪

zack fair (ffvii) x fem!reader

┊ ˚➶ notes ｡˚ 🎼

hii!! i didnt really specify that they were in college or who it was that reader had a bad date with, this is kinda in zack’s pov and him just being super whipped for you!! this is probably like the longest fic i’ve made so far soo.. i hope you guys enjoy lol

┊ ˚➶ warnings ｡˚ 🎼

mentions of crying, mentions of kissing (eww!! cooties!!), zack’s just super sweet but also super goofy— like he’s the dude to say ‘scruba dub dub’ in the shower type goofy, him waiting for reader and utterly being the ultimate retriever bf (or more so friends to lovers in this), lmk if i missed anything 💕

┊ ˚➶ word count ｡˚ 🎼

1789 words, 9782 characters

. ˚◞♡ ⃗ *ೃ༄ . ˚◞♡ ⃗ *ೃ༄ . ˚◞♡ ⃗ *ೃ༄ . ˚◞♡ ⃗ *ೃ༄

“woah, you look hot—!” you scoffed, hearing the grin in zack’s voice from behind you while he sat on the couch. you looked at yourself in the mirror, seeing how the sleek dress hugged your figure as you fixed your hair, curves shown on display.

you snickered as you watched zack stare at you, feigning awe with his jaw dropped low and a hand hovering over his mouth. “yeah, yeah. save it for later, i got somewhere to be.” you tsk’ed as your eyes flickered around the living room, searching for your shoes. walking down the hall, you shouted, “did you hide my shoes again, zack?”

a beat of silence passes before you zack’s guilty voice traveled from the living room into the hallway, “maybe.”

zack pouted as you made your way back, huffing as you spotted your pumps placed not-so-subtle-y under his sword. “maybe i just don’t want you going out with another asshole again.”

“he wasn’t that much of an asshole—“

“he smelled like it—“

with the glare you gave him, zack decided to shut up seeing the heel protectively clutched in your hand. sure, you went out with a lot of shitty guys, zack thought. but it was nothing you couldn’t ever handle before.

your face quickly shifted to a sly grin, standing upright as you primped once again, perfecting your look. “why, you jealous, zack?”

“no, just being the cool ultimate amazing friend that i always am.” he stated it so matter of fact like— when really, the word “friend” left his tongue rather thickly, the word almost dying at the back of his throat. he’d never tell you, he thought. he didn’t want to ruin what you both had with some stupid feelings of his own.

you let out an unconvincing, “sure, sure.”

zack surfed through the channels on the tv, sprawled out on the couch as he still felt his legs burn from the amount of squats he had done after training. he pressed his lips disappointedly at how the tv lacked any good shows before he heard you yelp, “shit! it’s eight—!”

tilting his head at your clambering, he sat there in bemusement as he watched you run out the door— until your head popped in one last time, “food, fridge, i’ll be back before midnight!”

but as the door shut in a hurry, zack leaned his head back against the arm of the sofa. the apartment was silent except for the low crackling volume of whatever crappy show played on tv. his chest rose and fell as he let out a big sigh, slumping against the couch as his eyes drifted towards the wall.

great, he was alone and his unceremonious attempts at hiding your shoes failed. he almost felt dissatisfied, why couldn’t you just see that he liked you? or better yet, why couldn’t he just admit he liked you so you could reject him and get over it? zack wore his heart on his sleeve, so why was it so difficult now?

one hour turned into two, and two into three. it took everything for zack just to keep himself occupied. he moved around the apartment restlessly— doing squats, watching shit tv, even trying so far as to try making a new dish. keyword: try.

after a whole day of pretty much doing nothing waiting for you to come home, he decided to just tire himself out enough to pass out on the couch, sleep being his last resort. he lolled his head on the arm of the couch, resting it in the dent left from the hours before. zack took one last look at the clock as it read eleven o’clock. letting out a sigh, he closed his eyes while shifting on the small sofa trying to get comfortable. nothing much better to do when waiting then take a nap to speed up the process, yeah?

but when zack jolted awake at the sound of the door slamming, he sat upright while his eyes searched the room. not even having time to rub the sleep from his eyes, he looked around.

now dark with only the tv as his light source, the clock on the wall now read twelve o’five and your heels were now carelessly thrown against the door. zack turned his head towards the new source of light and was met with the bright luminescent rays of the bathroom accompanied with your silhouette in the doorway. and at first glance, zack would’ve brushed it off as you just being lazy— but his thoughts changed when he heard the wet sniffles and broken sighs, his ears perked up.

his back hit the cold air once he got up, leaving the warmth of the couch and making his way over to the lit bathroom. mako tinted eyes adjusted to the light as they settled on your blurry figure, hunched over the sink with eyeliner smudged across your eye while you tried to catch your breath— and that woke him up real quick.

“zack—!” you said, and god, did your shaky voice make his heart ache. his body reacted on its own accord, arms immediately reaching out towards you and embracing you. zack put one hand on the back of your head as your body shook with silent sobs. he could feel the tears starting to stain his shirt, one of his favorites although that didn’t seem to matter now that he didn’t mind it being coated with your sorrow.

he heard a small voice next to his ear, wavering as you tried maintain your composure as you said, “i’m sorry i woke you up.” with a comforting hand on his back, you rubbed at the trail of his spine, unknowing that zack’s eyebrows were knit together with a strong bewilderment— you’re over here crying, and you’re apologizing over waking him up?

“don’t say that.” he told you, and you could’ve sworn his arms locked around you tighter. trying to lighten the mood, he gives a weary chuckle, “i needed to wake up anyways.”

you didn’t laugh though, simply soaking in the affection brought upon you until he finally pulled away. the hand that kept you at arms length squeezed your shoulder while you sniffled and wiped under your eyes. “‘m glad i wore waterproof mascara, today.”

his lips twitched downwards, watching as you made a weak attempt to brush his concern off. “what happened tonight?”

and that seemed to make you cry even harder, making zack curse himself as his eyes widened. “okay—! okay! don’t answer—don’t answer that!” he stammered, trying in a desperate attempt to get you to stop crying. he didn’t know why he’d even ask that to a person who was currently sobbing and probably needed space?

“here, just..”

a loud yelp left your lips once you felt zack’s hands lift you up from the underside of your thighs and place you on the bathroom counter, the cold ceramic a deep contrast against the warmth of your skin.

you let yourself settle as you watched zack rummage through the wooden drawers of the sink, grumbling something along the lines of, “where’s that stupid water..?”

you cleared your throat, “what water?”

“the stupid water you use when you have the waterproof thingy on.”

“..micellar water?”

“yes! that—!” he pointed his finger at you in agreement, watching as you leaned over and opened the first drawer and pointed out the small clear tub of the product. he looked around in search of something— before letting out a small, “aha!” sound once he found a small towel. you softly grinned as you watched him douse the rag in a copious amount of

makeup remover, not even bothering to wring it out before turning towards you with a triumphant grin.

you closed your eyes, relishing in the feeling of his calloused hands— gentle under your chin while the other one wiped the makeup off your face. he made sure to softly pat your eyes, making sure to try and rid all the mascara off your lashes as best as he could without being too rough.

“y’see? i told you i was the coolest awesomest friend ever, didn’t i?” zack finally said. even with his teasing grin, his tone remained uncharacteristically soft.

“‘cool ultimate amazing friend’.” you corrected him, the corners of your lips quirking upwards while you talked. zack was lucky you couldn’t see his smile right now, just happy to admire yours in the dim white lighting of the bathroom. “right.” he said, nodding his head as if you could see him now.

he set the towel down as he examined your eyes, making sure he got all the makeup off. fluttering your eyes open, you gazed back at zack. in any other scenario, he would’ve brushed his staring off and used the makeup as an excuse— but really, even with your puffy eyes and swollen lips, and even in the cheap apartment complex lighting, he’d still think you’re beautiful. maybe the dingy details of the bathroom and the close proximity made it more intimate than needed.

leaning forward, your eyes flickered between his lips and his eyes, ensuring that he wanted the same thing as you. and when he had met you in the middle, bridging the gap between your parted lips with his own, it’s like a wave of coolness washed over his body. your hands came up to rest upon his jaw while he thought to himself; this was all he ever wanted, his dream girl right in front of him let alone kissing him.

sighing, you pulled away for a moment— hands still rested on his face. his eyes held nothing but adoration for you when he gazed up at you, the small height difference causing his eyes to look even more ethereal in the light, swirls of mako and the overhead bulbs evident in his dazed eyes. he only chased your lips for a split second before you let out a small laugh and a sniffle. he wasn’t just a ‘rebound’, you thought to yourself, zack fair was a man worth much, much more.

he closed his eyes and leaned in for one more kiss, hand on the back of your head as it buried itself in your hair, but not before mumbling against your lips a quick, “am i still the most ultimate awesomest friend ever?”

you grinned, “do you wanna be?”

“you’re over here sat on the counter kissing your ‘cool ultimate friend’—“

“‘cool ultimate amazing friend’—“

zack pouted, tilting his head before you leaned in for another kiss, removing the dramatic curve of his lips. you groaned in exasperation once he pulled away again, he was just teasing at this point, wasn’t he?—

“i think cool ultimate amazing boyfriend sounds better.” he grinned cheekily.

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munchflix · 6 years ago

Text

WATCHMEN - THE SUPER EXTENDED CUT

IMDB BLURB: In 1985 where former superheroes exist, the murder of a colleague sends active vigilante Rorschach into his own sprawling investigation, uncovering something that could completely change the course of history as we know it.

WARNINGS: Giant blue peen, large bepis. It's blue. Malin Ackerman can't act for shit. Attempted rape. Lots of murder. Some gore. Adult themes? Zack Snyder. Repulsive sex scene. It's not gross, it's just weird and uncomfortable. And unnecessarily long.

RATING: Who watches the Watchmen? Us...unfortunately.

OBLIGATORY DISCLAIMER: All reviews are done solely for humor and should not be taken seriously ever. If you cannot handle cursing, crude humor and probably some offensive things, pls do not read this. And please please don’t watch this fucking movie.

MUNCH: I want you to know, first thing, that I will never forgive you for making me watch this for a THIRD TIME. I first saw this in the theatre on my birthday and it was awful then. I spent three hours waiting for it to get better and it didn't and now you're making us watch the super extended version with 30 more minutes of shit I DON'T WANT TO SEE. I am old and I was a fan of the comic long before this detritus was filmed. I was actually excited for this shit. This movie, like a lot of the movies we review once a year, is bad. It's pretty, it's well filmed, it has a brilliant cast, and it sucks like a Dyson trying to fellate a rubber chicken.

BISCUITS: Okay...I'm gonna be upfront about this. We're gonna have to be here for each other during this review. We need to BELIEVE in ourselves, and to share our mental fortitude. That might be the only way we'll be strong enough to make it through. Even then, there's no guarantee we'll make it...but if we do, we'll emerge from the other side as changed women, now knowing the true power that the bond of friendship can hold. Or not. Actually, we'll probably just end up sad. But the point is, we need to be here for each other.

M: The Nixon makeup is so bad. All this budget and he looks like a half melted wax statue.

These are the Nixons, folks.

B: Jeffrey Dean Morgan in old age makeup? I'd still smash that. The DOOMSDAY CLOCK! That's a reference to the comic! Get it?! We're JUST like the comic!

M: That's part of what bugs me, there's so many moments just taken straight out of the comic and then the rest of it is just Zack Snyder mentally masturbating about how cool he is.

B: Let me tell you younguns - long before the days of Suicide Squad and Batman V. Superman, Zack Snyder created the first of many tragic mistakes in the saga of "DC and Warner Bros. Attempt to Movie". It was dark, overdramatic, and had little substance behind its superficially good visuals. But Warner Bros. were all like "OMG Zach, look at all this money. Can you fuck ALL our beloved properties like this???"

M: Nostaaaaaalgia.

B: Okay, Unforgettable - this song was in the comic, it was in the book. It was playing in a scene in the comic but it was when Dan and Laurie tried to have sex for the first time. I don't understand the rationale behind using a song from the comic but putting it in a completely different scene. Why did you make that change? I don't understand why you would do that.

M: Watchmen in a nutshell. JESUS CHRIST I forgot that the explosions come in about 30 times louder than everything else.

B: Why is the Comedian wearing a smiley face pin on his bathrobe? Because of the symbolism??? Nostalgia. This is from the coooooooooomic. This is the first instance of inappropriate soundtracking, which is alright the first time but gets annoying when you do it over and over.

M: I have no idea. Oh yeah..the movie. The Comedian is fighting a mysterious figure that we'll figure out who it is later. Unless you've read the comic. It's Veidt. Slow zoom on the pin with the blood spatter because it's SYMBOLISM. Also the Comedian got thrown out a window. There's also been half an hour of slow mo and we're only 5 minutes into the movie.

B: *burps loudly* Bob Dylan, because there was a reference to a Bob Dylan song in the comic. Slow shots of our great heroes, The Minutemen. Zacc Snyder, fuck you. These were the original super hero dudes who spawned the existence of all the other masked vigilantes in this universe.

M: Gerard Butler??? Who the fuck is Gerard Butler?? Hang on, I have to look this up. Oh...he's in the Tales of the Black Freighter, which is only in this super-long ultra-extended edition.

This gif makes it look like Gerard Butler is playing Sally Jupiter. This is not the case (unfortunately?).

B: Which we're watching because we hate ourselves. Historical landmarks to set up the time period. Also Silhouette was a lesbian. Dollar Bill got killed when his cape got stuck in a revolving door. NO CAPES! Mothman went nuts and got put in an asylum. The minutemen turned out fine. Also Silhouette is dead. And Gay.

M: Bury your gays. She was only alive for two minutes of credits.

B: To be fair, she didn’t really have a role in the book either. Also, Kennedy is killed. By the Comedian. Which I suppose was implied in the comic...very vaguely. This is way too much exposition. We can read about history, we don't need a recap of every single event since 1940. We aren't that dumb, Zakk. There's more politics in this intro than exposition but Watchmen was supposed to be political. I have big problems with Matthew Goode....goode? How is that pronounced? Look at all that BEEF tho. Arby’s, I got ya new commercial right here.

I’ll take the one on the far left with cheese, please.

M: Slow the fuck down, jesus. I can't type as fast as you thirst. I'm gonna make you type this if you don't slow down.

B: Glad I'm not wearing a retainer. You think Jeffrey Dean Morgan would pay for it? Also Night Owl's costume looks so shitty.

M: Seriously, slow down. I have issues with how contoured Manhattan is.

B: And then everything went bad for the vigilantes and they got banned. This is SO LOUD. Tell Zaque Snyder I get spooked easily. I don’t like loud noises, I’m like a wild animal.

M: Oh yeah so the Comedian is dead. Two detectives wonder how he died. So mysterious. It was Veidt. Don't blame me if you didn't read the comic, it's been out for 30 fucking years.

B: My other issue with this movie, it doesn't ADD anything to it's source material. If I wanted just Watchmen I'd just read the comic. I could read most or all of it in the time it takes to watch this movie. So...Rorschach is ranting.

M: That's all he really does in this movie tho is rant.

B: All the towns in the world and I had to end up in this one. The ballsack town. Comedian kept a picture of Sally by his bed but that's backwards...she kept a picture of HIM on her bedside.

M: Rorschach found Comedian's secret closet where he went to be gay. Or a superhero. Or both. So he knows he's the Comedian.

B: Well, one or two of them were gay...a bunch of guys who wear their underwear outside their pants and this is somehow surprising? More slow mo.

M: This movie could be an hour and half shorter without all the pointless slo mo. Hollis is being played by Stephen McHattie and I love him so much.

B: Patrick Wilson (you can tell it’s Patrick Wilson because he looks exactly like Patrick Wilson) is playing Night Owl and he is a very good boy. The best boy. Although he doesn't have much competition for goodest boy, most of the boys are pretty bad. Hollis Mason is played up to be more Drunk Grandpa than caring mentor figure. Raw footage of Rorschach looking like FUCKING BIGFOOT. Your local cryptid.

*X-Files theme plays*

M: That was 20 seconds of super important extra footage that we missed from the original 3 hour long movie. Okay so movie, right. Drieberg goes home to find his home has been broken into. It's Rorschach. Eating beans. HUMAN BEANS. With HUMAN BEAN JUICE. We saw you lumbering around like Bigfoot on the news. Rorschach's mask is cool tho. One point for you, Zackk Snyder.

B: Rorschach, because he's a tinfoil hat conspiracy theorist is like " I think someone's killing masks" even tho only one mask person has died so far. Patrick Wilson is a good actor but his performance in this movie is so blech. I dunno if that was the direction he was given or...

M: Part two of things wrong with Watchmen. Lots of good actors giving boring performances. I love many of these actors but they're so dull.

B: Except Malin Ackerman. It was an experimental time, Chad! All of our Bro Moments. Our BROMENTS.

M: WHY CAN'T I QUIT YOU, CHAD?!

B: Maybe Drieberg quit on account of the Keene act because it started being illegal to do the thing, but Rorschach didn't because he’s crazy. And he's doing more edgelord monologuing.

M: Holy crap the animation.

B: And now with NO CONTEXT we get launched into the Tales of the Black Freighter. It's an anime, apparently. (makes angry angry noises ) this makes me SO mad because the Black Freighter, though a story within a story, had an explanation for its presence. It's being read by someone within the bigger story. In the movie it almost looks like it was animated by Ralph Bakshi. Like the people who did Jojo's Bizarre Adventure and Ralph Bakshi had a bad trip together.

This is what I see, every night in my dreams.

M: I guess this is being narrated by Gerard Butler?? This is so out of place. It takes you completely out of the immersion of the movie to show you this movie. That was super jarring though.

B: The comic had a lot more leeway when it came to blending the stories together. Oh and now we get a shot of someone reading the comic to bring us back. Rorschach in the comic was described as being fascinatingly ugly. I think Jackie Earl Haley is too good looking.

M: And Veidt. I hate everything they did with this entire fucking character. I hate the way he looks, the way he talks, the way he acts, the way he Veidts. I fucking hate him so much. I hate what they did with his story and the whole Manhattan cancer thing. It's DUMB.

B: Why is Dan here? It was Rorschach who warned Adrian. And they're talking about nuclear war, very important to the crux of everything. This lighting is ugly. It makes Veidt look like a greasy boy.

M: He IS a greasy boy.

B: Meeting with Dreiberg left bad taste in mouth. Like cold beans.

M: Rorschach is expositioning everything we've already seen, dialogue straight out of the comic.

B: Rorschach breaks in to see Manhattan. Rorschach asks the real questions: Does Adrian Veidt is gay??

M: That is a HUGE ASS. Btw Manhattan is naked. He is super naked. You will never be allowed to forget that he is naked.

B: Malin Ackerman shows up...to “act”.... The mention temporal interference already, so you won't be surprised at the end of the movie. They really overemphasize Manhattan's eye things. He looks like a sad panda. I have issues with his CGI, he is really over contoured and he looks really...weird....Laurie...stop talking. PLease. Don't act, don't try to act.

Pictured: Sad Panda

M: Now he's taking Laurie on some fucking weird time trip that was supposed to happen three hours from now in the story. Manhattan is just sad in this movie. All his rage and his indifference are gone. He's just sad. He tells her the future and he's sad about it. And now, 99 Luftballoons so we don't forget it's the 80's.

B: This wasn't how this happened in the comic EITHER. Zacque Snyder and his love of throwing random songs into movies with no regard for how they might impact the mood.

M: So Lori is having dinner with Dreiberg just like Jon told her too. I'm giving up on spelling any names right as of right now.

B: They reminisce about their young days when they fought crime and dressed up like lunatics and all that stuff. Ah those days are behind us. We're in our 40's but in the movie we're like 25. Jon thinks there's gonna be nuclear war and also he can't fix my bad acting. They turned Laurie into such a sexy lamp in this movie. They strip everything away from her that made her interesting. I am laurie, I am GIRL. Who needs oxygen when you have another man's money.

You so. Fuckin. Precious. When you. Smile.

M: The Sound of Silence begins playing. We both laugh and denounce Zaeck Snyder and the horse he rode in on.

B: Should have been Take me to Church. I didn't realize how awful the soundtracking was in this movie the first time. They just throw in recognizable songs.

M: Comedian is getting buried. Rorschach is here and Manhattan and Dreiberg. And Simon and Garfunkle. It's not making this scene better. It's making it so much worse. Lori has been randomly teleported to her mothers with zero context. Her mother is Carla Gugino who deserves better than being in this fucking movie. They quote dialogue right from the comic. Did Zaquery Snyder write ANY dialogue for this movie? Her old age makeup is fucking awful and she is overacting this so hard.

B: And then we have the flashback to old days where the Comedian tries to rape her. The entire purpose of this flashback in one sentence. That's the plot point. From the comic. That we need to get into the movie somehow. I suppose they're going for show don't tell. At the moment i'm just focused on how it extends this torturous experience.

M: I have a lot of issues with this part. He beats her far more severely in the movie. They start the scene almost making it look like she did ask for it with all the slow undressing. It's so fucking unnecessary.

B: And then Hooded Justice comes in and this doesn't make sense in the movie when Comedian asks him if he gets off on this. But since they don't get into this in the movie...I think they're just trying to get us to go OH THE COMEDIAN IS A BAD GUY, HE'S SUCH A BAD GUY. We can get that. Why does everything in this movie take so long?

M: Everyone is having flashbacks to their time with Eddie. Manhattan is blowing up the entirety of the viet cong while the Comedian shoots people and Ride of the Valkyries is playing for no reason.

In awe at the size of this lad.

B: NEXT TIME YOU INVITE JON.

M: And then we get the Comedian is a horrible person but AGAIN because he's gonna shoot this woman he knocked up and Jon doesn't stop him. Jon is so fucking ripped that even fuzzed out in the background you can see every muscle.

B: They tell the story of how Eddie got his scar even though he doesn't...have it in the movie? Yeah I killed that woman I knocked up but you didn't stop me because you don't care and well...you're not wrong.

M: And now Veidt gets to have HIS flashback so we can be sure that the Comedian really was an asshole. The Comedian informs everyone that their plan is garb while Jon and Laurel Ann make goo goo eyes at each other which will become relevant an hour ago because they're obviously a couple NOW. He sets Ozymandias’ (Veidt's) map on fire to emphasize his point.

B: Ozymandias will remember that. Watchmen would make a great Telltale game. And Dan has his American Dream flashback where the Comedian is helping with crowd control and we don't care what's going on because the Comedian looks DAMN HOT. In slow mo.

M: Biscuit's thirst meter has increased tenfold.

B: What happened to the American Dream? You're looking at it. Just as beefy and greasy as I imagined it. He had a really nice arm vein going on in that scene. I have a gif of that for uh...research purposes. Very swole.

Pictured: The American Dream

M: I just realized that I don't really thirst after anyone in this movie. The comedian is hot because Jeffrey Dean Morgan but my thirst level is so low comparatively. The only main chick is Malin Ackerman and uh...no.

B: You're getting gayer the older you get.

M: I can't even deny that.

B: Moloch! He's a former supervillian of sorts and Rorschach is chasing him down because uh...I don't know. He just shows up and is like Hey fuck you buddy.

M: I still want an explanation for why Moloch alone has pointed ears. Nobody else in the entire movie has that kind of deformity.

B: And he's like The Comedian just showed up in my house! He was drunk and crying! We've all been there. We've all broken into our former nemesis's house drunk and crying. Maybe that's just me...

M: Except that's what really happened....

B: And the Comedian is like - I did some fucked up shit but this is worse! The shit this unnamed bad guy is doing worse! And he says that Moloch and Manhattan’s old girlfriend are on some mysterious list!

M: It's Veidt. Rorschach tries to nail Moloch for taking a medication made from apricot pits. Which are POISONOUS BTW, DO NOT EAT THEM. Rorschach spends fucking ten more minutes slow mo fucking monologuing about shit we already know and JUST SAW. There's so much extra shit in this movie that does not need to be here. He sounds like fucking Wolverine. Is that Hollis?

B: I can't even tell because this movie is SO DARK. We get a feeble attempt to connect newspaper man and the animated comic.

M: At least it's less jarring. Comic man drools excessively for no reason. They're even leaving bits of THIS story out and making it even weirder and more disparate than it needs to be. Fucking why.

The nightmares, they never stop.

M: Okay Jesus they went from that straight to Loorie and Jon trying to have sexxors and this is so wrong and out of place. And then Jon is six people.

B: god. jon. stop. what are u doing? I took a theatre class in high school and all those kids were better actors than Malin Ackerman. Which is bad because Laurie is an integral character in Watchmen. This happened way earlier and this is why she ran away to Dan in the comic, but it's fine. It's fine. Whatever. I don't care. She gets mad but not really because acting.

M: Jon underacts but that's his entire thing. This is so disjointed. Jon is teleporting reactors to Karnak while they argue. This will be relevant later.

B: Three bepis, no FOUR! Too much bepis for my needs. Or not enough...

M: Jesus Christ.

B: And NOW laurie shows up at dan's place. We needed to drag this out because we were REALLY stretching to get this movie to feature length, y’know?? We were really scraping at the bottom of the Watchmen barrel for content. There's just not enough material to get a good long juicy film out of it.

M: Can we just skip this whole part? I'll summarize. Laurie and Dan spend half an hour whining at each other because Laurie and Jon had a fight and they kinda wanna bang but that will take three hours to get to as well for no good goddamn reason. Meanwhile Jon is putting on a suit to do a tv interview.

B: There's a lot of scenes of Dan and Laurie but there's no chemistry at all between them and there's no buildup to their actual relationship. Even Dan is so nothing in this movie and I liked him. And there's an article from the comic because this is JUST LIKE THE COMIC.

M: Why are they...oh they're going to Hollis...but this isn't how it happened. They literally make this longer for no reason.

B: I know it would be really hard to cut anything from Watchmen, because pretty much everything is significant - there's no material that can really be removed that wouldn’t be missed in the final product. BUUUT they just added a whole ton of meaningless shit to this damn movie! At the expense of scenes we actually wanted! Dr Manhattan has his tv interview. This is not gonna go well. Everyone is like wtf are you talking about Jon. Dan and Lori beat up a bunch of thugs because uh...they're living for thrills?

M: Some reporter dude stands up and starts shit with Manhattan. He accuses him of giving everyone cancer. I'm sorry I caused all that cancer. You'd think Jon would KNOW whether or not he caused cancer...he was a fucking physicist.

B: Jon doesn't know whether or not he's radioactive. Spoiler alert: he ain't. He's just had his intrinsic fields removed - really simple procedure, like taking out the appendix.

M: *cronches pizza rolls*

B: A lot less screen time for Janey Slater in the movie, too. She's like "PRETTY PATTIES TURNED MY FACE PURPLE!!!" and then Doc Manhattan teleports everyone out of the studio because he's very emotional rn. That makes...one person in this movie with intense emotions.

M: You're right there...nobody in this movie really shows much in the way of emotion. Everyone's just sorta like "well, the world's going to shit - huh." I REALLY don't like the way they incorporated Tales of the Black Freighter into this movie.

B: Idec what's happening in this stupid anime. Man wants to get home before the freighter. Builds raft out of bloated corpses. Freaky eyes. It's supposed to parallel various elements of the 'real world' storylines but it's so jarring that drawing those connections becomes nigh on impossible. In the comic, panels from TotBF were often right alongside panels from the main story, but you couldn't really do something like that in a movie. They also still don't really do anything with the newspaper corner bits.

M: Did they actually show Dr. Manhattan leaving Earth?

B: No. Not yet.

M: So they just throw us into this scenario?

B: Yep. Dr. Manhattan got ANGERY and was like "y'know what? I'm going to Mars to deliver some exposition!! Way later than this happened in the comic, but who gives a flying fuck??" And we sorta get the explanation of the way Jon perceives time - but again, much less effective than it was in the comic. Everything in this movie is so DARK. 'Dark and gritty' doesn't usually refer to the visuals of a story.

M: Jon got stuck in an experimental machine where they were doing SCIENCE. He got disintegrated.

B: Just look at the SYMBOLISM...I mean, uh, the time. Jon's narration sounds like ASMR. He eventually manages to reassemble himself, but now he's blue....and nAkEd.

M: This giant naked blue dude shows up and Janey is just like "Jon?? Is that you??"

B: Jon is super-powerful, so the govt lords him as a weapon and uses him to help end the Vietnam war, and a lot of references to nuclear power.

M: I know his symbol is supposed to be a hydrogen atom, but it kinda looks like the power button on an Xbox.

Particle man, particle man...

B: This movie feels significantly gorier than the comic...which is not necessary. Janey is worried about how powerful Jon is - or she just wants him to put some fuckin' pants on.

M: Speaking of things that take you out of the movie - Jon's ENTIRE backstory in one flashback. Worked in the comic, not in the movie.

B: Jon macks on a 16 year old girl and is like - why is this a problem? My girlfriend is getting old, I gotta get a new one. Also I'm tired of earth. Going to mars.

M: We literally zoom out from Jon's ass crack.

B: There is no reason to put a physical or cgi camera that close to anyone's ass crack.

M: Jon has fucked off and now they're interrogating Laurie about where he went. She randomly assaults one of them because she can? Why are we having this slo mo smoking moment? And now another flashback to the Comedian... oh right, we have to have Laurie's version of why this guy was a douchebag.

B: Eddie's like, you think I'd fuck my daughter? And Sally is like - yah you might.

M: The gubmint is freaking out because their giant blue naked nuclear weapon has gone to Mars. I hate the Nixon makeup so much. He looks so fake. They wasted their budget on Manhattan's cock. I can't believe we still have 2 hours of this shit left.

B: (separate tangent about her cat) I'd rather focus on my cat than this movie. Why is this scene happening? Why is it significant? Is it supposed to increase the tension with the whole nuclear war thing??

M: I don't know. Why is it going on for so long? They figured out he's on mars because there's a blue spot? Uh...Laurie is beating up a guy and chaining him to a radiator? What....What did that have to do with ANYTHING? The gubmint is now attacking Veidt for trying to create free energy...?

B: This scene is just for Ozymandias to explain his backstory...I guess??

M: I honestly have no idea what's going on.

B: It's supposed to parallel the scene in the comic where he talks about Alexander the Great and stuff...

M: This happened at the END of the comic tho.

B: But here it's just...confusing. The choices they made just generally leave you feeling confused. Not like the comic did. It's ‘Vight’. I'm right.

Adrian Veidt is gay is the most discussed in the media in the few years ago.

M: Oh and now the scene where a hitman shows up disguised as a pizza guy so we can slow mo more totally excessive gore.

B: There was plenty of violence in the comic but...you can be dark and edgy without being this damn gory. Dan and Laurie have yet another meaningless conversation at a table and now Dan is suddenly on board with Rorshach's paranoia??

M: And Dan invites her to come over but in the comic she literally ran to him immediately after Jon left. Jesus now Rorshach is fucking monologuing again. They're fucking with the order of events again and it's pissing me off.

B: They don't seem to do it with any rhyme or reason. You have to make changes to adapt to a medium but there's zero apparent reason for the changes in chronology...

M: Rorschach breaks into Moloch's house so he can get caught again. Why the fuck would Moloch know about any of this??

B: But Moloch is dead. It was a SET UP.

M: I'm losing all plot cohesiveness because of all this nonsense. I can't remember what actually happened. Ten minutes of Rorshach slow mo fighting his way out but he's gonna get caught because Veidt organized all this but they don't tell you that in the movie because of reasons.

B: We're not explaining a lot of the plot because it's happening so slowly. They caught Rorschach. They takin' im to prison.

M: Rorschach don't care. He got shit to do. And now maybe back to the animation...? Yes.

B: They do like 1/16th of this shit with the newstand corner. They should have just not at all done it. They just seem like framing to put the Black Freighter in there.

M: Except they don't do it every time, and that makes it worse. And they made weird ass changes to this story too. It's supposed to parallel what's happening in the main story but it's making NO SENSE.

B: This also adds nothing to the story and it breaks the immersion.

M: It mostly seems like an excuse to be gross. And now for Rorschach's mental health evaluation.

B: He's psycho bonkers crazy. Part of the concept of Watchmen is that everyone has issues. The complex psychology.

Look inside your local garbage and you may find a friend and boy.

M: Aw who cares about that. Let's shoot off some more fingers! We get his entire backstory in very very short flashbacks. He's still nuts.

B: This was over the course of quite a while in the comic.

M: Yeah but suddenly we're pressed for time in the seven hour long movie so we gotta condense his entire story into a ten minute scene. Which makes this feel rushed, which is fucking weird considering how drawn out every fucking thing in this movie is.

B: The comic felt like a bunch of stories being told at once but all tying in together at a certain point. Convergent stories The movie feels like a bunch of different stories that happen and then they're over. They're not tying anything together. (Biscuits starts singing Linkin Park because this part is so fucking dark)

M: So he's telling this story about how he killed a guy for kidnapping a girl and Biscuits is looking up the name of that song because she can't remember what it's called and still singing.

B: It's called Shadow of the Day...it’s like the one Linkin Park song I know

M: Okay. And Rorschach is gonna....kill this guy with a hatchet???

B: That is NOT how that happened. He tied him up and set that house on fire. But now he's gonna hit that guy in the head 20 times. And now he's Rorschach. There is no Laura, only Zuul.

M: ...Dana!!

B: Oh...Dana....is that from...

M: Ghostbusters!

B: I didn't wanna say it and have you be like - No it's from the Exorcist!

M: That would have been pretty funny in the exorcist. There is no Pazuzu, only Zuul.

B: Rorschach delivers the iconic line - I'm not locked in here with you, you're locked in here with me. The angrier he gets the more gravelly his voice gets. Meanwhile back at the ranch...Lori looks at Dan's shit.

M: You gotta be more specific. In this movie it might be actual shit. She's looking at this ship.

B: He's got some cool etchings, and a stamp collection. She sets things on fire. In the comic she thought it was the cigarette lighter. That's not how you put out a fire.

Laurie is an expert firefighter.

M: She doesn't have any brains.

B: She's an animatronic being controlled offscreen. Everything is so bland in this movie. We really aren't given any reasons to connect with Dan and Laurie.

M: This scene isn't helping either. It's boring and we don't care what's happening because we don't fucking care about Dan and Looooooorie. I can't think of a couple with less chemistry than these two.

B: Do you know what this means??

M: Yes.

B: We're getting close to the sex scene. It's like a case study in how not to do a sex scene in a movie. It's like the most awkward horrible thing that can be done. These scenes were in the comic, but not like this.

M: They're not gonna bang right now anyway because Dan can't get it up because uh...Adrian isn't doing gymnastics in the background and Unforgettable isn't playing.

B: Patrick Wilson's titty.

M: Did we really need to...

B: It's okay. Patrick Wilson is reasonably attractive. I would give those titties a six. Maybe a seven. Compared to having to see Malin Ackerman's tits, I would give them an 11. They're better than Manhattan's tits, which are cgen and disgustingly hyperdetailed.

M: BACK TO RORSCHACH. Who is being threatened by a little person named Big Figure because that's fucking funny. I guess. But it's also canon. And now Dan's dreaming but there's no actual meaning here because they do it wrong.

B: It really would have been better to put that in there after Dan and Laurie stop trying to bang instead of going to Rorschach?

M: And then IMMEDIATELY back to the animated parts with NO warning.

B: That was the worst editing I've ever seen. Sharks are eating the corpse boat.

M: I'm so confused. How did that shark get back up into the boat thing....

B: Who the fuck cares anymore.

M: Back to reality?? Snoop Dogg threatens the comic reading man because uh...

B: Snap back to reality...OH there goes gravity...something about spaghetti. And now back to Dan who is staring naked at his suit. There's too many behinds in this movie.

M: Are you gonna rate it?

B: I like plenty of naked behinds in other contexts.

M: I'm not even gonna ask.

B: Dreiberg is pretty ripped for being supposedly flabby and old. Laurrrrrie decides they should go fight crime.

Unfortunately, Malin Akerman.

M: Night Owl's costume is so bad. Like Ozymandias’ costume and...most of the costumes.

B: Laurie's costume is mostly see through because she can't fight crime if she's not sexy. We don't get any explanation of Dan's bird love in the movie. He's a good bird boy. That's a tongue twister.

M: They're saving people from a fire. I kinda want to go take a nap.

B: Why is he shooting into the burning building???

M: I don't know! Oh it's a water tower.

B: I thought he was just shooting up a burning building.

M: I'm sorry but she would be DEAD from that backdraft. There is no way. So now they gotta drop people off so they can bang in the owlship. Which I don't wanna see. SKIP.

B: This isn't how this happened in the comic at all.

M: Back to Rorschach again. They don't do the whole language pun thing which was so fucking cool in the comic. Big Figure. Small world. Why is all Rorschach's shit cut out??? Don't tell me they didn't have time. They see one dead guy and they know Rorschach is alive?

B: Professional dead guy appraiser.

M: Oh yeah there's a whole prison riot going on but we don't know why in the movie because they don't explain it.

B: Now Dan and Lari are gonna beat up some guys but it's so fucking dark it's like I'm watching Fan4stic. More slow mo.

M: They had to cut Rorschach's story to make time for all the slow mo.

B: I hate Night Owl's outfit. Leri's doesn't look anything like the comic either. I punched that guy! I'm a strong independent woman!

M: Rorschach goes to kill Big Figure in the bathroom which also fucks up what happened in the comic. Luri calls Rorschach an idiot and they start bitch fighting but Dan is like come on we gotta go. We have an hour left. We have to start building each other up.

B: (sings Livin' on a prayer )

M: NOT HOW THIS HAPPENED EITHER. Jon shows up after they get back and kidnaps Liri to mars where there's no air because he's a dick like that.

B: Diet bepis.

M: Laurie somehow knows she's on Mars because there's a giant glass sculpture there. Like on Mars. You know. Back to Snoop and his gang who randomly decide to take out Night Owl but pick the wrong one and beat up Hollis. Poor Hollis.

Yep, definitely Mars.

B: Obviously the editors don't care about the timeline either. Liri's mother is on the phone with Hollis talking about what happened the night before but I thought this was the same night? Who genuinely cares?

M: This movie is rated almost 5 stars on Amazon. You go Hollis, punch at least one of em!

B: The gang beats up Hollis and kills him because it's JUST LIKE THE COMIC. Hollis has flashbacks while he's getting killed. And killed by his own award. But we don't get the scene where he GOT the award. It's fine. I'm not mad.

M: Back to fucking Rorschach and Dan and Laurie and I'm tired of typing that sentence. Rorschach suddenly is sure it's the pyramid people doing all the bad but he has no fucking evidence? Dan lays the smack down and the bromance can continue.

Just like back in college...

B: We're just two dudes in a rad bromance....They're going to an underworld bar because they're looking for seedy dudes.

M: How would these dudes even know about the pyramid thing?

B: That's just how Rorschach do. Follow the money. Rorschach writes a lot of youtube conspiracy videos.

M: Dan finds out some dude helped kill Hollis.

B: Also back on Mars...ugh..his dick is moving back and forth and I know that’s realistic but ugh...It’s different when it’s just a still panel in a comic and not...this...you're made of molecular nothingness, can't you just suck it up into your body or something?

M: Back on Mars Jon goes on his seven hour long predestination trip while his dick wiggles.

B: Jon I have feelings, pls believe me.

M: You can't fucking...you can't...you can't fucking take all this dialogue and re-arrange it and make it work. It doesn't work, now it just seems empty and nobody cares. Lauree was having a total breakdown because Jon wanted HER to make him save the entire earth and now just stand there looking bored.

B: Dan and Ror have broken into Veidt's office searching for answers. Dan is an expert hacker. Creator's name was Jeff Jeff, born on the eighth of Jeff, 19-Jeffity-Jeff. So I put in 'Jeff'.

M: Do they even mention in the movie that Adrian Veidt is supposed to be like, the 'smartest man in the world'? Actually, we don't really learn anything about Veidt in this movie...What do we really know about him? He's rich? He makes plans? Possibly homosexual?

B: *Hacker voice* I'm in. Boys Folder, iconic. Veidt doesn't really keep his most secret government and corporate secrets very...well-hidden. Next to his boys, yanno.

M: Adrian had a team of like three people in the comic. His suit...

B: It has nip- It has NIPPLES!!!

M: *chokes to death laughing* I've never heard anyone so angry about nipples in my whole life.

A toast, to my suit’s nipples.

B: Did Batman and Robin teach the human race nothing???!!? Nipples on superhero costumes = a bad idea. Veidt has killed all his scientists. AND NOW - My Bubastis rant. Whhyyyyy is Bubastis in this fucking movie??????? She just shows up in this scence with NO EXPLANATION. Just, "oh hey...Ozymandias has a giant mutant lynx." and why would she even EXIST in this continuity - he doesn't need the eugenics program in this version of the story. Was he just like "I want a mutant cat, please make me one."

M: How do we still have 50 minutes of movie left??? Oh, I guess...Tales of the Black Freighter. This is still going on. Crazy guy has reached land and kills some people, believing his hometown has been taken over....who really cares. Was there really anyone clamoring for them to put this into the movie?

B: *basically says nothing for this entire bit*

M: *basically says nothing for this entire bit*

B: NO TRANSITIONS, YEAH!

M: Now we're back to have the least impassioned discussion about saving the world ever. "Jon, no, everyone will die...." That's not how this happened - that's not how ANY of this happened. Y'know what, Jon, ya big naked blue freak...

B: Laurie sounds like a teenager who's mad that her parents won't buy her a car.

M: "Do that thing you do..." This is making me irrationally angry, and I've seen this TWICE.

B: This part makes me SO mad. Irrationally mad. They fuck this up so much. We do not get any context to explain how much Laurie hated the Comedian, and why him being her father is such a big deal.

M: Also, in the comic, it was a big deal that Laurie had this realization of her own volition. It came naturally as she tried to fight back her past memories (which were not at all like this), instead of just being magically brought out by Jon.

B: They completely squander Laurie's biggest moment of emotional development, in turn squandering Jon's turning point in deciding to save the world

M: I liked the whole snowglobe bit in the comic...I thought that was like really powerful, but in this she just...throws a temper tantrum.

B: Ugly cry face. At least...I think she's crying. Might just have smelled some expired doppelganger. Jon's speech about life is also...rushed. And they leave out my favorite line. “Come, dry your eyes, for you are life - rarer than a quark and unpredictable beyond the dreams of Heisenberg.”

Acting, I think...

M: Laurie looks like she doesn't understand a single thing Jon's saying to her right now. "Jon...you're talking science again, and I don't understand it."

B: I've already complained about the inappropriate scoring. It hasn't gotten any better.

M: So Dan and Ror are heading to Antartica at record fucking speed. Rorschach tries to tell Dan how to drive the fucking ship Dan designed and built. All Along the Watchtower is playing at record loudness for no reason. Somehow they made it to Antartica in five minutes.

B: They're heeeeeere.

M: If Veidt knew they were coming why wouldn't he just open the door instead of letting them fry it with lasers? Veidt is sitting there pretending that he doesn't notice them creeping in to kill him. Suddenly we are shown that Veidt is somehow some superhuman fighter and gymnast which wasn't included in the movie at all.

B: Come on and SLAM. Hello there, sailors.

M: And now for some exposition while a vigorous swordfight is going on. Not really. Veidt is still going on and on about how smart he is and how he organized all this shit.

B: As with any mystery, it ends with the villian explaining how he did everything.

M: In the comic he literally says he's not a comic villian and wouldn't do that, but you know.

B: I could have sworn there was an alien in here....like there was something vaguely about an alien?? This is alien invader erasure and I will not tolerate it. That would break the suspension of disbelief, I guess. If Veidt wanted to make an alien and use that to unite the world.

M: Yeah that would be bonkers, especially in a world where giant naked blue men with god powers exist.

B: He is smart enough not to monologue BEFORE he pulled off his evil plan.

M: And now we see earth exploding or whatever because of Veidt and uh...suddenly we're back at the fucking animated comic.

B: The whole idea of him uniting the world against Manhattan just doesn't click for me. The alien was supposed to be neutral, to be anomalous. It also doesn't make sense that he would drive Jon to leave earth.

M: Way to pull us the fuck out of the super important ending. Slow zoom back out to the kid reading the comic who complains that it makes no sense. I feel you kid.

B: They're trying to pull everything together here with the clock and the therapist guy and everything but it was all crushed by the alien invader but now it's just Dr Manhattan's..energy force?? But they'll be able to recognize that it was Manhattans? Didn't they know that Veidt was trying to use his energy too??

M: Yes.

B: Oh it's bad. Oh no.

Bubastis’ one moment in the movie...

M: Jon and Lurie return to earth post uh..time bomb or whatever. Jon realizes the energy signature is here. He is not muddled or confused or anything though like he is in the book, so he just immediately goes to Antartica to kick Veidt's ass but then immediately goes through the intrinsic field subtractor like a fucking moron. Why would this even effect Jon? Why would the smartest man alive not figure out that it wouldn't work?

B: Laurie says things....she shoots Veidt but he catches the bullet because he's uh..just that radical. Stuff is happening.

M: For not being a comic book villian Veidt is super fucking acting like a goddamn comic book villian. Jon shows up all super huge now and he's kinda mad at Veidt. But not that mad. Veidt uses his magical remote control to show melty face Nixon demanding peace.

B: And this works because...why not?

M: Because the fucking movie has to end SOMETIME. In the comic there were hundreds of screens showing everything but you know...America. Veidt is like - this is our victory Jon and Jon SHOULD be like - you used me to blow people up dude. Fuck you.

B: Uh uh, can't do that, you'll screw up the peace! Rorschach is like fuck no, I ain't keeping this a secret.

M: I'd side with Rorschach with this tbh, Veidt is a fucking madman. He's like the fucking Governor from the Walking Dead. Ror goes out to try and tell the world but Jon kills him.

B: But of course he wouldn't do that, he told the world 35 minutes ago!

M: He literally did. Rorschach explodes and Dan gets all sad. That was my favorite Rorschach! Now Patrick Wilson's ugly cry face.

I loved that Rorschach like a Rorschach...

B: Jon decides to leave and Laurie is like but why and he's like - well I can't go back to earth NOW.

M: I don't understand why Dan is trying to kick Veidt's ass now. He already agreed to let the mass murder slide. Veidt seems unconcerned.

B: We don't get the whole nothing ever ends quote either, which was a big deal in the comic.

M: They fucked the ending hard though. Like with a chainsaw.

B: They fucked the whole movie hard. With like 17 giant dicks. This shit is way fucked.

M: So I guess Dan and Lbrbbrie go back home? And visit her mom cos you know.

B: And all the reconciliation Lrry had to do in the comic is reduced to one pathetic encounter with her mother. And it means NOTHING because we only get one little scene where Loree is SAD. The whole movie is this way. It's just a bunch of stuff that HAPPENS.

M: I don't give a shit about any of these characters. There's a lot of Lyrie and Dan kissy facing and talking about stuff that doesn't matter now.

B: Nothing ever ends but that's not..at all the way it was supposed to be done...at all.

M: WHY ISN'T THIS OVER, GOD. Straight outta the fucking comic we get the last bit where the greasy kid pulls Rorschach's fucking notebook out of the crank file to publish it so 30 years later they could write the mess that is Doomsday Clock.

B: Not EVEN gonna get into that. That's a whole other screaming fit. But that’s a comic, not a movie.

M: *AGGRESSIVE HEADBANGING TO DESOLATION ROW*

B: *AGGRESSIVE HEADBANGING TO DESOLATION ROW*

M: I don't have any closing thoughts. I'm tired of typing. I hate this movie. I hate what they do to every fucking Alan Moore venture. He deserves better. Write less deep shit Alan and they might actually do you right one day.

B: I find the existence of this movie to be a highly overrated phenomenon. I do, however, fucking love the My Chemical Romance cover of Desolation Row.

Munch and Biscuits out, yo.

#watchmen #munchflix #alan moore #comic #comics #movie #bad movie #dr. manhattan #the comedian #rorschach

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