#you're both MISERABLE
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but do you truly hate him more than you hate yourself?
canto 5 keeps feeding me. I love me some good ambiguous dialogue where you can infer that ish is either reciprocating heath's negative feelings or admitting that she also dislikes herself. 10/10. good food. I'm so happy with how these two are being written and developed.
#limbus company#lcb ishmael#lcb heathcliff#limbus canto 5 spoilers#heathmael#ishcliff#when I say i ship it what I truly mean is I am emotionally invested in their inner turmoil and mutual loathing#I wanna watch these two get worse and worse and so much worse#throws them in a blender#you're both MISERABLE#ugh i cant wait for the finale
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do you ever think about how lucanis keeps losing and losing and losing — his entire life? losing his parents, losing his childhood because of the crow training, losing his freedom, his sleep, and one year of his life due to imprisonment. then the maker smiles upon him, and he's discovering something good (rook, the veilguard team, purpose), acquiring something back (his family, his life, his freedom, his job, his city), finding some peace in mundane things (coffee, cooking, taking care of others). it feels like the scales are finally moving, balancing — only for him to lose again. he loses caterina, he can lose his city to blight, he loses at weisshaupt, he loses grip on himself (thanks to spite), he loses control — he loses himself, piece by piece. rook can help lighten the load on his chest (thanks to spite), he gets caterina back, and breathing feels a little bit easier. but loss is not done with him. he loses illario, and it feels like losing a limb, a large piece of himself violently torn away. he's visibly shaken, but no one truly knows what it takes to string the assorted pieces of himself together and keep functioning. and then loss deals what seems like the final blow: some of his friends are dead or lost, and rook is gone, too. he failed; he only knows death, doesn't he? life only takes, and takes, and takes, giving only to tease and take it back. at that moment, he's falling apart completely — until they find rook, and there's a sliver of hope once again. the scales are moving, the team wins, they eventually go back to their lives — and that's when he realizes that the final blow is the life as the first talon.
#it's written with romanced lucanis in mind but i felt like it's important to mention that he can lose treviso too#also it's easy to water it down to some sort of karmic explanation: he dealt death and that's what he gets in return#but i think it's a completely wrong and even harmful take#his story could have illustrated perfectly the cruel and abusive system that crows are;#how it breaks people; abuses them for profit and (usually) brings out the worst in them (illario)#and they lose eventually — themselves; if not power#and even if you manage to stay human and sympathetic you keep losing as well because you're trapped in this never-ending cycle of violence-#--and power play; and that would tie perfectly with zevran's story they tried to play out offscreen in the previous games#it would have been so much more meaningful and impactful than uhhh whatever they did in the game 🙃#that would give illario so much more depth as well#also i don't believe lucanis wasn't shaken after the whole illario ordeal (i think it wasn't shown in the game at all????)#like. illario is/was the closest person to him. he spent so much time with him. and yet nothing???#idc about that stupid hero of veilguard badge gimme the brothers' agony!!!!#lucanis dellamorte#illario dellamorte#rook#dragon age the veilguard#dav#dav spoilers#**meta#**writing#UH i love them both so much 😭#someone needs to do the crows rewrites.........#not me obv im not capable but i'd love to read someone's version#anyway.... what do you think.... tell me...... talk to me about the miserable brothers......
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this beautiful idiot went to live with someone else and honestly, both of our QOL are much better HAHA
#she just could not vibe with a house full of other animals#her anxiety manifested in insatiably eating everything#not just food#cardboard plastic you name it#i had to lock cupboards and put books on the bin so she couldnt open it and rummage through it#she screamed for food constantly#she innappropriately toileted constantly#to the point where i bought two automatic litter trays so they were always spotless in case that was the issue#she was medicated and given daily enrichment#but nope#anyway after over a year of kind of hating our life together#i bit the bullet and rehomed her#her food obsession has disappered and besides peeing on their bathmat once#she has used the litter tray without issue#we make a commitment to our pets yall#but do not force yourself to keep them if you are both miserable#i wish i was brave enough to have done this sooner#anyway#rehoming is not the devil#and you can do it responsibly#bye ferg i'm sorry to say i don't miss you#but i'm so glad you're finally happy#fergie#the cat edition
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His name is Spring and when Amandus told him that that was a season on Earth he stared at him blankly until he changed the subject [didn't know how to respond] [Patreon | Commissions]
#star trek#star trek tos#star trek genderbend#T'Pring genderbend#literally decided to draw this JUST bc I realized her name masculinized on Vulcan would be 'Spring'#Random personal lore I came up with while drawing this is that Bones keeps calling Spring a 'pretty boy' & even though she's trying to#make it seem hostile she's failing miserably. and T'Spock is UNAMUSED.#bea art tag#Amanda's male name could also just be aMANda with only the MAN capitalized. For clarity.#T'Pring#the plot of genderbent amok time is T'Spock is like 'my fiance's gonna die if I don't ..... see to him.' and Bones & Kirk are both#up in arms about it. This is the 23rd or whatever [dont tell me] century!! Women have rights!! and then they see Spring in person#and Kirk's fine but Bones is like 'damn....I mean if YOU'RE not into it...' and then Tonn comes out of the shadows and is like#'Fight me for him!!!!'#Spring can't do much planning he's dying. He doesn't want to marry T'Spock but Tonn's the main one doing things. And those things??#Fighting...with fists and stuff.#The episode is focusing a lot on hot catfighting (to the death) bc it's still the 60s.
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Fig's line "I don't think I'm an artist, I think I'm just a good friend" has not left my head at all. Just...
You're Fig Faeth and your horns came in over the summer and you pick up the bard class as a form of adolescent rock 'n' roll rebellion, and it works! It's exactly the outlet you need! You give a guy you just met drumsticks and you start a band and it's good enough that within a year and a half you're touring. You are, in every sense, good at being a bard.
And then, finally, your junior year, you start to take it seriously. Your art goes from an outlet and a form of rebellion to a practice. A discipline. (Can rebellion exist within a discipline?) Your classmates know what they want to do with their work. They all have a thesis statement. And yeah, there's cohesion in the music you make, but you've never had to think about why you make it. You've never sat down and dissected what it is about bass that speaks to you. You've never poured over your lyrics to pick at any deeper meaning. Why should you? You don't play music for a grand design, you do it to... huh, why do you do it?
(Your art is the one form of self-expression that feels as safe as Disguise Self does, because even if you're pouring your heart onto the page and then screaming it in front of thousands of people, it's not like you're really making yourself known. You can sing I'm lonely, I'm scared, I'm furious, and your fans will sing it right back, and there will still be the distance between performer and audience to keep your heart safe.)
Now you're being asked to look inward to explain the artistic choices you're making, and you can't help but recoil at that, because you'd rather do anything than look inward. Meanwhile, your classmates have no problem with it, so you start to wonder if you're a real artist at all. Can your art be authentic if it only exists to bolster a thesis statement? Has your art been unauthentic this whole time because you've never really thought about a thesis statement before? Is that what makes it art, and not just the next track on somebody's teen angst playlist?
You can't think about yourself— acknowledging your own existence makes you want to puke. So if your music is an extension of yourself, (and it is, even if it's just because the spotlight reveals only what you want it to,) you can't think about your music. You can't. You have to. Your grade depends on it.
You're Fig Faeth, and you keep multiclassing because you'd rather be a good friend than a great artist. If introspection is what great art demands, then fuck it. You must not be a bard at all.
#Dimension 20#fig faeth#fhjy#Idle Chatter#my last two years of college were when I started to get more and more nauseous about my own art#because I wasn't being taught how to make the art I wanted to make#the whole curriculum's focus was on gallery art#which infuriated me! I wanted to make art that didn't have to involve twelve layers of meaning and metaphor to be considered good!!#so I drove myself into the ground time and again trying to make (miserable) work that I thought would fit the criteria of a Real Artist#anyway it's been 4 years and I'm just now picking at why I don't enjoy creating anymore so Fig's whole arc has hit home in a major way#ALSO. AAAAALSO. THE ADHD STRUGGLE WE SEE WITH BOTH FIG AND KRISTEN. LOVING SOMETHING BUT STILL STRUGGLING WITH FOLLOW THROUGH#BEING TOLD YOU'RE NOT DOING ENOUGH WHEN IT'S SO FUCKING HARD JUST TO GET WHERE EVERYONE ELSE IS AND NOT UNDERSTANDING WHY IT'S HARD FOR YOU#it was easy and now that the rubber's hit the road it's hard for you but not for others so it must be YOU that's the problem#you must be lazy or stupid or just not suited to this after all even though it's part of a pattern that has been happening all your life#if you were good enough or cared enough then surely the discipline would come easily to you! the way it comes easily to all your classmates#SCREAMS I gotta stop before I write a second essay in the tags. I'm so normal you can trust me to be normal about D&D characters
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notice how as soon as Logan saw Wade wasn't gonna let up on the "I need you" bullshit, Logan started to self-sabotage?
#very demure very mindful#rewatching the worst wolverine is like looking into a true mirror for me#there's no wade to speak of but the self loathing and the self sabotaging behavior is incredibly same text same font#i get Logan. his character speaks to me in a way i'm both comfortable and infuriated by#bECAUSE WHAT THE FUCK#YOU'RE GONNA BE IN MY SCREEN AND YOU'RE GOING TO SHOW EVERY TENDENCY THAT YOU HATE YOURSELF?#SAME#MOOD#YOU'RE GONNA GO THROUGH THE VOID WITH SUICIDAL RED CONDOM MCMOUTH AND SACRIFICE YOURSELF FOR HIS UNIVERSE AT THE END OF IT ALL? FOR WHAT#FOR THE SALVATION HE GRANTED YOU AND YOU UNCONSCIOUSLY GRANTED HIM IN RETURN?#no cap i want to maraca this worst wolverine. give him the shake weight treatment.#and water him like he was a dehydrated potted plant too#all the smooches and the encouragement#when i'm done venting my shit#lol#deadpool and wolverine#deadpool#wolverine#deadpool 3#logan howlett#wade wilson#poolverine#deadclaws#deadpool 2024#Logan my brother if someone told me they needed me when I'm at my lowest most miserable state AND THEN their actions prove they needed me#ngl#i'd kill and die for them too my brother#i gET you
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actually still baffled about how they managed to stay together for 77 years. 77 YEARS. just decade after decade despite all the betrayal and the lies and the dissatisfaction like i'm going insane. there is literally no reason for them to ever interact again because they should have divorced years ago and too much has happened and louis is definitely sick of armand but then also. they were together for 77 years. that's such a significant time, even for immortals. i just need to see them interact again at some point, if only as bitter exes so be it
#it's just such a long time that it's almost shocking considering how dysfunctional their relationship was < me speaking as a loumand fan lol#like i know it was probably miserable at some points but also not miserable enough to leave each other i guess.#but then again where would you go????#they basically killed each others families so#the only one left is each other and i mean you're not going to spend eternity alone#i feel like i actually get that part very much but i can't wrap my head around 70+ years. it's insanity#trying to imagine me with my long-term gf whom i love and like very much for 77 years is already.... a stretch like. that's a lot of time#BUT if we were both immortal then i get it actually. because no one wants to be alone forever like yeah duh.#but louis stayed with armand out of SPITE. so that makes it crazy again#interview with the vampire#iwtv#loumand
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aye can i get a fuckin uuuhhhh
break. on my burger
#shit chat#family cw#got sicker than i have been in years my bank closed my checking account on accident work is nightmarishly busy#and my mother is sending strings of long voice memos in the family group chat again#i simply will not be listening to them. at most i'll ask my dad or brother for the sparknotes version#bc her pattern for the better part of this year has been radio silence. no attempt at communication whatsoever#and then BAM like 5-10 min worth of voice memos screaming crying sobbing shaking#I DON'T KNOW WHAT I HAVE TO DO TO GET MY CHILDREN TO FORGIVE ME. I'M CRAWLING ON MY KNEES ON THE DESERT FOR A HUNDRED YEARS REPENTING#WHAT THE FUCK IS FAMILY FOR YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING AND I'M SUFFERING SO MUCH AND I'M ALONE BECAUSE#MY FAMILY ABANDONED ME. I HAVE NO ONE. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I DID BUT I'M BEGGING. I NEED HELP I NEED MY KIDDOS AROUND ME PLEASE I'M DYING#followed by several minutes of sordid updates on her shitty miserable life#which is tbf pretty shitty & miserable. she's extremely physically disabled & mentally ill#her partner had a severe stroke a couple months ago and is still recovering. they've both been in & out of hospital#neither working. partner's adult son who lives with them is the only income in the household#partner's permanently disabled mother also lives with them. plus 2 large dogs 6 cats and 3 each of chickens & ducks#they're in court suing their landlord bc he's trying to evict them but the property is an uninhabitable shithole to begin with#but like. whenever i do make the mistake of responding to one of her groupchat tantrums#she's just like 'oh you know me im a survivor :) i just miss yous is all :) now that you're here i'm gonna bitch about my life for an hour#and ignore everything you have to say and show active disdain & boredom whenever you tell me anything about yourself or your life :)'#and if i offer help she refuses it#like it's just a bid for attention. expecting unconditional love and absolution and salvation from us bc That's What Families Do#she doesn't actually seem to give a shit about any of us as real people. just this ironclad delusion of unconditional family support#that she frankly has not earned#my brother actually did go visit her in the hospital on thanksgiving. driving 2hrs out of his way to do so#and she was a raging passive aggressive bitch to him and threw the gift he'd brought her back in his face#ma'am i know you're Going Through It but so are the rest of us & frankly you've given me zero reason to want to interact w/ ur caustic ass#plus this is petty but yet another way in which she doesn't listen to me & makes no attempt whatsoever at genuine relationship#i've told her numerous times that responding to groupchat voice memos is hard for me. that i love & miss her#and if she wants to see me or needs help or whatever to please contact me one on one either by call or text#nope. refuses to respond to/initiate individual contact. ONLY traumadumping in the fam chat. TLDR MY MOM IS A DISFUNCTIONAL TOXIC NIGHTMARE.
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If I had a nickel for every time I helped a Japanese client at my job, and in helping revealed that I speak [some, limited] Japanese, and in doing so their entire demeanor changed and they began to smile and gesture excitedly as we had a [relatively short] conversation in Japanese, I'd have two nickels.
Which isn't a lot, but it's weird that it's happened twice.
#anyway if you recognize that the person you're speaking to does not speak English as a first language#and you know the language they do speak fluently#personally I recommend giving it a try to switch to their more comfortable language#it very visibly made their day to encounter someone who could speak Japanese with them#and I think it's nice to give someone the oppurtunity to not be at an inherent disadvantage in a conversation for once#both of these people told me no one here speaks Japanese with them#not even their family#and sometimes it makes them want to go back to Japan and never come back here#how miserable to be stuck somewhere that no one makes an effort to let you articulate in the way you're most comfortabke#but then I have a lifetime of watching that from my dad#who the only people who ever made the effort to communicate with him and his deafness on a level he's most comfortable#are his immediate family#no one else bothers even though they know he's deaf
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fucking christ what am i going to wear at my fucking wedding
#if i wear a suit both families with the possible resigned exception of my parents will think im a huge freak#if i wear a dress i will give my partner dysphoria and maybe also give myself dysphoria not sure#and all our friends who know i'm ''transgender'' will think im a huge freak AND a coward#if i switch one to the other between ceremony and reception that would mitigate things considerably except then i have to choose one#that's Real and For Photos and the other one will be Just For Fun and that's also bad and ceremony suit is probably just as socially#problematic as full-time suit in terms of how it will be received anyway.#my wedding hasn't been scheduled! we aren't even formally engaged! for all i know we will decide to elope because we'll be#too busy miserably doing postdoctoral work that will never turn into jobs!#however if you are normally cheerfully semi-closeted because you don't think it's anyone's business why you're very visibly Doing That#and indeed are not tremendously committed to a single explanation of why you're Doing That#it turns out that does not prepare you well to make decisions about human society's single most gendered public activity.
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for what it's worth i'm definitely not a fan of the jealousy-induced shooting scene and I feel like it comes out of nowhere considering the rest of peggy's behavior but I do also feel like it's more a product of the shitty superhero macho movie "haha look aren't women crazy" writing than anything substantial. what IS substantial however is that the way those two “talk” about their yet-unrealized mutual crush or whatever is 100% on a “highscoolers with not enough emotional intelligence” level. which once again makes sense considering who the writers are
#'how do I know you two haven't been fonduing' ask. for the love of god. you are both idiots. you're literally not even together#max.txt#max's miserable marvel rewatch
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it's just like. you have to wash clothes if they're uncomfortable too. (you don't have the energy/executive function/knowledge to find clothes that feel good on you. you're a 6'2" trans woman and you've gained 20+ lbs in the last 6 months and you don't even know where to start looking.)
you have to wash dishes even if you just had boxed mac 'n' cheese or takeout or scrambled eggs or cereal & milk off of them. (you don't have the energy/executive function to cook or plan meals that are more complicated than this. every time you try you end up in tears or out of breath or sweating or shaking with fatigue. the last time you tried to cook anything more complicated/lengthy than scrambled eggs you had to tag out halfway through and lie down on the couch for half an hour.)
#keeping it fun and funky fresh#personal#matty's mental health#i need a chronic illness tag#i'm. not doing good.#i had therapy yesterday & was talking to my friend max today and both of them (independently) were like#''what's something you're looking forward to'' and. there is nothing. i do not have a single thing i am looking forward to.#the nlrb dropped my charge. i can't make any fucking progress with my job hunt.#i literally only eat cereal+milk and yogurt+granola+frozen fruit and takeout#my doctor thinks i'm making up that i can't do any physical activity anymore#any time i turn off the ac even if it's 70° outside i have the most miserable sweaty day imaginable. or if i'm not directly in a fan.#weight cw
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i DO think teenage michael should get picked up by the scruff by the way ( literally or metaphorically ) ( in the holding him back from being an idiot or adopting him way. or both. )
#ourple michael is so guy that does the scruffing yes. i think this should happen too SDHJSDK#if you're willing to try that is because he does not trust that easily and he's allergic to being visibly vulnerable beyond anger#but i think it should happen anyway he's full of shit. fake idgafer#this is just me spinning him in the microwave of my brain idk#i WANTED to do more replies today bc theyre running out in my queue tomorrow but... eepy.......#tomorrow or thursday (day off) bc i do want to either get another chunk of my drafts or asks (or both) out#⁂ ・゚: i was looking for a job‚ and then i found a job‚ and heaven knows i’m miserable now ➛ ooc
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#starting to have chronic migraines (or tbf any kind of Chronic Pain) when you're also chronically depressed is amazing bc it unlocks a#secret more powerful version of depressive episodes where you're feeling both miserable in body and mind#vent /#sighs.#folks i never thought i would Say This but i miss being busy i miss having a job and going to classes and not being stuck in bed so damn#often
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just found out that instead of my mom my fucking shitass dad is coming home FOR A WEEK
#ugh i really want to kill someone rn im so mad#why can't he just fucking leave us alone#i know he used to be home 24/7/365 days just a year ago but istg it took us no time to adjust to life without him#now he comes home for like 2 days and my blood starts to boil i can't bear him he's so fucking irritating and interfering#mom coming home would have been relaxing finally burden free after 15 days#now the burden will be double tripled he's such a fucking lazy slob he can't even get his own glass of water#and he'll sleep in our room because it has ac UGHHHHHHHJHH it's so yuck i won't have a minute to myself and my mental health will decline#even MORE than it already has like if that's even possible#and he doesn't take his fucking meds so he's all weak and sick and lazy and he expects us to coddle him#well you know what fuck him im not even going to pretend to be happy that he's here or be nice to him and try to make him feel welcome#he broke this family up and it's going to stay broken up forever so fuck himmmm#and i have a freaking 750 ml bottle of vodka lying in my dresser what the fuck do i do with it now huh?????#it's only like 1/4th empty 3/4th is still full#and it's my sisters birthday on 26th and they'll both be here ugh i was sooo looking forward to actually celebrating with her#now she'll feel miserable and horrible and it'll be JUST like every other birthday she's spent at home#fucking grand#ugh god i sooo do not want to cook dinner for 4 people im so sick of this#and he isn't even satisfied with dinner he fucking eats like 4 times a day he wants a hot breakfast and lunch and evening snack and dinner#man i hope something happens to him and he isn't able to come🙏🙏 god if you're real 🙏🙏🙏🙏
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this website gets so excited about october every year while I'm sitting here absolutely dreading the return of snow
#fucking miserable living here when you're not a confident driver#and your options are a) drive in snow b) take transit in snow#both of which are miserable for different reasons#we're still above zero for a while but it will not be for long I'm sure#ramblings
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