#you just know paul is being soooo controlling

[overturetotherestofyourlife]

[cleoselene]

nine favorite albums in no particular order,

tagged by @an-ivy-covered-summer (thank you I love to ramble about music)

Portishead - Dummy - This is probably my favorite album of all time? It's perfect to me. It makes me feel so good, physically and mentally. It's the quintessential 90s album, the definitive trip-hop album, and always makes the list of "25 Albums You Should Own On Vinyl" for a reason. It's immaculate and it spawned a slew of imitators who never ever got close to this kind of quality. I think people also don't appreciate hop much trip-hop/downtempo has influenced today's pop music. SZA's latest album especially felt super trip-hoppy, so did elements of Midnights.

Massive Attack - Mezzanine - if there's one other trip-hop album you should pick up, it's this one. This album benefits greatly from Elizabeth Fraser of Cocteau Twins' ethereal vocals. Every song on this is amazing. When I was playing this album for a friend about a decade younger, he said "oh this is the album with the music from all the movies." lol. Indeed It's been licensed to hell for a reason!

Tori Amos - Scarlet's Walk - Okay I set a rule for myself that each artist would only get one album in this list to avoid putting up nine Tori Amos albums, but Scarlet is my favorite. This road trip across America immediately after 9/11 is one of the first albums to... if not criticize the US response to 9/11, because it was really too early for that, but to be very, very wary of what the response would be. It's an album that expresses sympathy for a wounded nation, while also acknowledging the nation's sins. I think this is one of a few Tori albums that was too high concept for the mainstream audience, but Tori has never been for the mainstream audience, anyway.

Taylor Swift - evermore - Of all the Taylor Swift albums, it was reputation that brought me to the dance and Red that made me fall madly in love. But evermore is her best work. It's perfecting upon the formula she came up with in folklore. Which, don't get me wrong, I love folklore, but with Taylor's obsession with being "sonically cohesive" it's kind of a bummer of an album? I appreciate how the vibes of evermore are more varied. Also, "ivy" is the most beautiful song she's ever written.

Green Day - American Idiot - This album doesn't need much description, it's so well-known, but nothing really compares to how hard this album hit during the height of Bush Era Hell. As a 26 year old when this came out, it felt like my generation was getting our mainstream protest music, finally.

Paul Simon - Graceland - This album won the Grammy for Album of the Year for a reason: it's soooo good. I know there's a lot of drama/controversy surrounding it, but I always felt Paul approached his love of African music from a genuine place. It's such a good midlife crisis album, I understand it now more that I am in midlife than I did when I discovered it at age 12. And the bass line for "You Can Call Me Al" is fucking legendary, isn't it? PS - Paul Simon is the greatest songwriter of all time.

VNV Nation - Automatic - Why was it so hard to pick a VNV Nation album? I really kind of wanted to put last year's Electric Sun in the mix, but I need to let that sit with me before I add it to a list like this. This is the album that brought me to the dance: "Gratitude" is an all-time fave VNV song of hopefulness. "Control" is the dance club banger to end all dance club bangers. I loooooooove this band. I wish there were more futurepop bands out there, tbh, it's SUCH an excellent genre.

Lana del Rey - Norman Fucking Rockwell! - This is Lana's best. It's not really even close. This is one of the best albums of the 21st century. The way "The greatest" so perfectly encapsulates the Trump-era nihilism... I DO want shit to feel the way just like it used to. Kanye West IS blond and gone. We DIDN'T know that we had it all. :( The ache of nostalgia in our current very painful times hits perfectly on this record (WHYYYY don't I own it on vinyl yet??)

Puscifer - Existential Reckoning - So hard for me to pick a Maynard project and not pick TOOL, but Puscifer has become my favorite of his three bands. Existential Reckoning is similar to NFR! in that it captures the political moment. Maynard has never seemed particularly political in his music until this record, which is pretty interesting. ER seems to be advocating for a return to rationality over ideology, of moderation over extremism, of science over faith. It takes a very humanist approach to looking at life in 2020. "Apocalyptica" is probably the craziest song because it sounds like it was written about COVID, but it was not, in fact was written just a few months earlier. "Bedlamite" is the coda to the album that promises hope: It's gonna be all right. When they did this album Live at Arcosanti and sang this song while the sun rose behind them, four days before the 2020 election and Maynard crooned that it would be all right, I looked at my roommate, and I said, "it really is, isn't it?" And we both got kind of overwhelmed. And then a few days later, it was. Trump lost.

I went into way detail >_> told you I like rambling about music

tagging: @swiftzeldas @emmaswanned @brightnshinythings @mariacallous @ouijawaydidhego

[destinyc1020]

The anons are right about z being shipped with mike and josh the tweets were mostly while they were filming challengers and now if you go on twitter and look at tom's name you will see a lot of disgusting tweets about z and every guy in the room basically paul andrew austin ... if they want to have boundaries its their choice

Again.... y'all need to NOT take things that ppl say on twitter or the internet so seriously lol.

I can tell y'all must not visit other fandoms lol. 😂 You think they're the only couple this happens to?

Oh please.... People have been CLOWNING Beyoncé's husband Jay-Z for YEARS! 🤣 They call him a camel, a wildebeest, they say he's ugly as sin, etc. 😅

This is just par for the course when ppl think the woman in the rlshp is soooo much better-looking than the man unfortunately. (Even though, studies show, that in MOST rlshps, the woman is the better-looking one lol)

But hey, Beyoncé loves her man, she married him, she's stuck with him EVEN THOUGH he's cheated on her multiple times throughout their marriage.... 👀

Everyone has said she can do soooo much better than him. They say she's way more successful than him. They say she should be with a man more on HER level of attractiveness at the very least lol. But does she care? NO! She's still with him isn't she? 😏

Ppl do what THEY want to do Anon.... not what fans want them to do. 🙄

So you have to just ignore the noise and jokes online and not take them so seriously. Ppl shouldn't be doing that.... it's not right...... BUT... You can't control what ppl will say online.

All you know is that TZ are a couple no matter WHAT ppl are saying. They love each other. Plain and simple. 🤷🏾‍♀️ Just like Bey must love her man and wants to stick things out with him.

[fruitcd]

i’ve seen some people saying that making rhaenyra/the blacks totally morally good and "in the right" weakens the anti war themes of the dance, but i feel like

1) hotd is obviously making the dance more explicitly about gender and less about the cost of war. which can be discussed in and of itself (and i think there’s room for both) but imo is a fine thing to explore and focus on.

2) hotd goes to great lengths to make both alicent AND rhaenyra justified.

i know people were soooo pissed that in hotd alicent misinterprets viserys' last words, and thats why she changes her mind abt putting aegon on the throne instead of it just being her own ambition, but we see in the council meeting that the men around her were going to go behind her back and do it anyways— it comes back to gender and power and the way being a woman shuts you out of power. alicent atp is arguably one of the most powerful women in westeros and she is still left out of plans regarding her own family and future.

plus, the s2 trailers highlight rhaenyra being warned that violence done in her name will quickly spiral out of her control and she even says something like "i fear what ive begun" (is rhaenyra paul atreides coded? discuss), which make me think that ultimately s2 WILL discuss the cost of war and how easy it is for vengeful violence (even for “justified” reasons) to become too great for any person to control or stop

[titleleaf]

fifty ways to leave! SOOOO legit. Please regale us.

yessss I loved writing this fic but it feels like it's been ten thousand years so thank you for letting me revisit it

"fifty ways to leave", Taxi Driver (1976), Iris Steensma & Travis Bickle postcanon spectral gen written for Yuletide 2020

One thing I wanted to deal with in this fic is the film's uneasy conclusion with Iris being returned to her parents -- while being sexually exploited by Sport and witnessing violent crime is obviously a pretty awful state of affairs, there's plenty of stuff back at home that fucks kids up too, and I didn't like the thought that her right path in life necessarily meant going back to a settled socially-acceptable life. At the same time, older now, she's still stuck making compromises, selling a tacky fantasy, and being subordinated to dipshit men -- getting a shitty boring office job means forcing herself into a role she doesn't like much, both closeting herself as a queer woman and kind of doing workplace drag just to get through the door to interview. I wanted to write about Iris turned loose back in the urban wild without another person controlling her and trying to figure out how she wants to live.

I love writing fic about characters whose actors have work spanning decades where it's especially tempting to imagine those characters growing up/spanning time periods -- I just realized thanks to photos and shit I am now able to visualize Jodie Foster circa 1982-3 (with much nicer swingier hair than I have written Iris with in this fic) and it's so fun.

I love, love, love ghost stories and especially vanishing-hitchhiker-type stories of a living person sharing time and space with someone who couldn't possibly be there -- a phantom cabbie is just that turned inside out and I had fun trying to figure out the kind of visual signifiers that would flag to Iris that she's out of place even before she recognizes Travis. She's left with this tangible, physical record of their encounter, Travis' jacket as this object that's gotten dislodged from linear time, and in addition to continuing the vanishing-hitchhiker riff

Rereading now I think I also wanted to do some stuff with the physical residues of smoky, sooty, jizz-stained early-70s New York -- scent is a really powerful trigger for memories both good and bad and I know in my heart that both Travis Bickle and his taxi absolutely reek. Iris is as merciless to her own parents and upbringing in this fic as Travis is sentimental toward his own, but it's taken her this long to get that perspective on both of them and on Travis himself now that she's encountering him in the metaphorical flesh again. And I guess a ghost is another kind of residue??? Idk man.

If this fic has a sibling in the stuff I've written it's my fic for The Stand, "deep red bells" -- it's set in a no-Captain-Trips (or at least pre-Captain Trips) timeline where Nadine is trying to put together the information she can about this awful demon lover who's still pursuing her even a universe away, whose presence she can identify by its residues even if she can't find Flagg himself. If that's more about chasing ghosts this fic is just about Iris kind of living with them, and with the lack of satisfying conclusion and emotional resolution that a lot of people just end up living with. Iris in this fic is going to end up living to be like 85 and living an incredibly varied and rich life (idk what she'll end up doing -- feminist organizer, writer, artist, complicated person and incredible dresser and haunted urban waif) but she'll be carrying around the memories of this wildly unsettled, ambivalent experience and at times they'll be unbearably vivid even as they get more chronologically remote.

The title is because I cannot think about Paul Simon without laughing.

...I just realized that having Iris be raised Catholic opposite Travis Bickle's Schrader-given Presbyterian-coding gives them the same religious backgrounds as my own parents. I am going to try and avoid thinking about wtf this means about me psychologically.

[blackberry-gingham]

hi, could you write headcanons how would each beatle wake up reader when she is still snoozing and they woke up earlier (let's pretend john is capable of being an early bird, yah?) and are boreeeed? I hope it's not too weird or too specific 🥴 I adore you writing, very fresh? and delightful

Lol, thank you!! I've never heard someone describe my writing like that, I love it 😂

But yeah, let's go for it!

---

George

I think George is like the one guy of the lads who would try to control himself as long as possible lol

He'd let you rest for a bit and mill about, doing whatever

Buuuuuuut....

He just wants to spend time with you already!!

He'd try to formulate a way to wake you up that's least obnoxious for sure tho lol

Although... He is a little salty that you're sleeping soooo laaaate

In the end, he'd get in bed with you and his old acoustic guitar and play some music

He's surprisingly quiet, but when he adds his voice to sing, there's just enough noise to wake you up

You grunt, not exactly happy to have been woken up, but you can't quite find it in yourself to be mad either

Now that you've started to stir, George gives you a little nudge and a hug

"Come on love, I made breakfast! I'm just waiting for you"

He gives you a small but urgent shake, and you laugh

George must truly love you to put off a meal for you lol

John

Now as much as John loves to be obnoxious...

Morning is the one time of day where he can't summon the strength to properly get on anyone's nerves lmao

John wakes up, and is immediately looking to be entertained

You're fast asleep but when he checks the time it's already quite late

Hm...

He rolls over and wraps you up in every inch of himself

His legs tangled in yours, his arms around your waist, and his face nuzzling into your neck with that long pointy nose

It's cold lmao

That wakes you up more then anything tbh

You squeal and shiver, a little shocked by the sensation

"Joooooohn...", you writhe and try to push him away

He smiles and refuses to let go, proud to start the day off with just a little mischief

"Goooood mooooorning", his voice is sleepy, but there's a note of mirth in there too

You sigh in defeat and roll over to face him, just to get his frigid flesh off your sensitive neck

You're awake, but the two of spend just a little more time in bed to cuddle

Paul

10/10 Paul would be the most childish about it lmao

First he just rolls over and watches you sleep with the expectation that you'll wake up any minute now

But when that doesn't happen... He pouts and decides to do it himself

First test, he pokes your face for a little bit

You flinch and roll over

Paul jumps up and rolls you back over, a little impatient now

"Heeeeellooooo... Wake up love!"

He starts to shake you, slowly at first but then with a bit of gusto

You laugh and shake him off

You've been awake since the poking, you just wanted to see how far he'd go

He gives you a kiss and pulls you up to a seated position, eager to start the day with you

Ringo

Idk why, but I always headcannon Ringo to be his lively self from like, the minute he wakes up lmao

Like, just the very definition of a morning person

All he knows is he's awake and you are not and we can't have that!

His intentions are good, but of all the others he ends up being the one to be obnoxious without meaning to do it lol

He'd probably give you a few minutes to wake up, but after a while he'd just straight up jump on you lmaoooo

Luckily for you (or perhaps, for him), he's on the small side so it's not like you're hurt

You sure are surprised tho

Ringo flops down on your torso as you awake with a start

You're just getting your wits about you when he excitedly calls out good morning

He gives you time to groan back a half hearted good morning

Then he leaps up and over and plants a sloppy kiss on your lips

You return the kiss but you can't help but hold back laughter, your mood instantly shifting

Maybe it is a good morning after all :)

[cursed-saphire-hart]

Do you have any headcanons for the other soldiers (besides Yanov and Yuu since you already did those ones!)?

Sure lol XD Got some right here!

Ella Gouther

Ella an Yanov were furry buddies way before the military, Yanov stered off to the military while Ella became a nurse. Years later, she was contacted by Yan when they needed a few more hands on staff.

Ella is very perky and sweet and relatively sensible, but Yuu doesn't like her. Ella knows this but sees him as an angry lil dog rather than a threat (she doesn't realize how dangerous he is)

Her reasons for joining the Red Army was solely unintentional (bc i still think their basically a home grown terrorist group or some shit...) She didn't know what she was getting into till she was in too deep. Ella needed sone time to accept that she was stuck there n bc she had already made friends by that point she wouldn't be able to leave as easily.

She had already been aware being military staff meant the possibility of danger, so she had already prepared for that part.

Diane Chevrolet

Diane was a mercenary specializing in assassination and undercover jobs, she was on contract with the former leader (the one Tord killed) and just as easily worked for Tord if he kept paying her.

Diane lived in poverty before, so money is her motivation, but she's a nice person deep down, since she does have her limits for jobs.

She was assigned to watch Edd and the others for a bit, just to confirm they hadn't set off any of Tord's house modifications. Tord hadn't put an alarm system on his robot before he left, soooo-

Diane knows how to control her self on important jobs, however she has a slight temper that slips out when the situation isn't life if death, which caused her to nearly go off on Matt (since he was the 10th guy that week to try the flirting thing)

Paul van der Mill (Im trying my best with last names oki!?)

Paul was once apart of the british army but was quickly discharged due to brutality and exessive force. Paul isn't usually a violent person, but has his triggers, and has little restraint when the moment gets heated. He just doesn't always know how to hold himself back.

He was later recruited by the former leader, and after that Tord kept him close. That said, Paul is a little thick headed, but a nice guy once you get to know him, he just simultaneously takes his job seriously, and is easily disctracted. Paul is pretty loyal to Tord, and their semi friendly enough to drink together at times.

That said Paul and Pat are friends for the fact that their kinda stuck together they work well together professionally, but aren't the best pairing in social or casual situations. But he gets along well with Yuu and Yanov.

Paul also likes Ella and often goes to her for advice on girls when he and Izzy started dating. In that same sense he isn't very close with Anya, him being a little thick could only really see her surface personality, and saw her as being very fragile. Which made him a bit anxious to be around her, especially if he ended up saying the wrong thing and upset her.

Patryk Gutowicz

Patryk came from a family with high expectations, so learning to develope a silver tongue and venomous words came natural when he was sent to a boarding school for high achievers, and later a military school when the pressure caused him to become a Straight A Burnout before highschool.

Pat isn't cold or calculating, but he is smart and pretty snarky, basically the type to bleed sarcasm. That said, he brought up complaints about Tord's plan to get his robot, and it caused a small argument that earned him a black eye. After that he was more careful with his words when around Tord.

Oddly enough, it's thanks to the fact Paul is a bit dense that Pat can be a little relaxed around him, since with Paul what you see is what you get, meanwhile Yuu is a different monster of his own. Though Paul vmcan be a bit too much for Pat, with causes more annoyance in casual settings.

Yuu and Pat do NOT get along. Since Yuu is naturally two sided (plus being a lil shot with Pat) Pat can't read him as easily, and it puts him on edge.

On the other hand, he has an odd respect for Anya. He's honestly afraid of her on some level, but he respects her as a comrade and friend. Despite his efforts and his own skills, Anya can easily convince him to do what she wants, and it always perplexes him.

If you asked him, the feeling you get from Anyas manipulation can range from your view being cloudy from the wool pulled over your eyes, or having the feeling of a wolfs teeth on your neck, compelling you to do something, or else.

[early2000smovieimagines]

Being Paul Lahote’s imprint would include~

(Not my gif)(requested by anonymous)

- You’d first met Paul when you’d visited La Push with a few of your friends; he and some others from the pack showed up a little while after you. You’d been sitting on a towel talking with your friends when one of them glanced behind you for the third time in a row.

“Alright, What is it?”

“Nothing, nothing, just...this guys been looking at you ever since they got here.”

“Which guy?” 

- You turned your head and low and behold you locked eyes with the handsome Quileute boy. Unbeknownst to you the instant Paul's eyes met yours for the first time his whole world was turned upside down. The Earth shattered around him, galaxies crumbled, the entire universe was disrupted and all that was left was you and him.

 - Once you caught his gaze your eyes widened and you quickly turned back around. “You’re crazy if you think he is looking at me.”

“No, no he’s definitely looking at you.”

“Maybe he’s looking at you guys.”

“Well then we’ll prove he isn’t.” They picked up their volleyball and left you alone on your towel. You sighed, shaking your head and watching them run off before you looked for something to do.

“Hey there.” You whipped your head around to see the boy from before standing above you with a charming little smile. 

- Paul immediately introduced himself, asking if he could sit down with you and beginning a conversation. Paul’s obviously very ho-handsome, hes very...handsome, so it’s kind of exhilarating having him hanging on to every word you say and wanting to get to know you in the first place. 

- Time flew by while the two of you talked and soon enough your friends were ready to leave. Paul immediately invited you to stay for the bonfire him and his friends were having and you decided to accept. So your friends left and you continued spending time with the boy. 

- That night you and Paul went on a walk along the beach together and he told you everything. Obviously at first you were a little put off thinking he was crazy or, at the very least, making a strange joke. So you laugh awkwardly and agree to let him prove it to you “One of these days”. 

- You go on a few dates, spending more and more time together until he is able to fulfill his promise and prove he’s not insane. That’s not to say that seeing him turn into a giant wolf was not terrifying for you but it was obviously not terrifying enough to chase you off. 

*************************************************

- Your relationship is ...intense, to say the least. It’s, of course, not a completely conventional relationship since sixteen year old boys aren’t known for being hopelessly devoted to and ready to die for their girlfriends. Your friends are equally jealous of, happy for, and worried about you. 

- Let’s be honest, all of the wolves are clingy when it comes to their imprints. It’s rare that you’ll go a day without seeing them as they can’t stand to be apart from you for too long. Of course if you want space then they’ll obey your wishes but that’s not without difficulty especially if no one from the pack is able to hang out. 

 - Doing whatever their imprintee asks is sort of a part of their nature so ask and you shall (almost) always receive.

- He always wants to see you happy and smiling and you rarely aren’t especially when you’re with him. 

- You think you’ve seen jealous? You’ve seen nothing.

- Paul has enough anger issues as it is, mix that with his wolfy jealousy and protectiveness and you’ve got yourself an explosive cocktail. He’s damn near ready to tear a guy's throat out for just looking at you for too long, although, to be fair, it probably isn’t easy seeing your soulmate with another guy.

- Okay, on that note~ I know it’s sort of toxic and unrealistic to have the mindset that you can “change” someone but it’s kind of true with Paul although not in the “my vagina healed his anger issues” type of way. You make him want to be a better person, he feels an obligation to try and make himself more stable for you so in the end he does wind up learning to control himself more.

- The point is that Paul becomes an absolute sweetheart when it comes to you shocking all of the guys in the pack.

- I feel like Paul is one of the more feral members of the group so all the wolfish traits the boys usually have are dialed up when it comes to him. Loyalty, protectiveness, sex drive; all of it

- But speaking of protective instincts~ Paul is definitely one of the more protective members of the pack and that’s partly having to do with his anger issues.

- Of course he would never even dream of hurting you but... accidents happen; just look at Emily. And then again it doesn’t even have to be him whose hurting you, it could easily be another member of the pack who doesn’t know what they’re doing, or a stray blood sucker, or a regular person just like you; anything could happen to you but he’s determined to never let it happen.

- Hes always got his arms around you or touching you in some way.

- He definitely nuzzles your neck a lot, usually whenever he hugs you from behind.

- Cuddling is a big thing in your relationship and let’s face it, werewolves are the best cuddle buddy’s. Paul likes being the big spoon.

- He’d give you the shirt off his back if you even hint at being cold although you’re rarely anything but pleasantly warm since you’re basically standing beside your own walking heater. 

- TV dates, you just hang out at each others houses and watch TV together while you cuddle. 

- Having to remind him to put on a shirt before you leave the house together.

- There’s few he will share his food with but he will allow you to eat from his plate.

- Playing with each other’s hair.

 - Being close with the pack and the other imprints. You and the other girls hang out together while the boys go off and do crazy shit. 

- The pack joking that you have him whipped; he can’t even be mad because he knows it’s true. He just tells them to shut up with a barely concealed smile.

- Emily’s house becomes like a second home to you. 

- Bonfires on the beach.

- Listening to stories about the pack and the history of shapeshifters. 

- One summer Paul and you set up a hammock or build a treehouse together and from that day onward the two of you spend your days in them.

- Picnics.

- Makeout sessions.

- Tracing his tattoo.

- Piggyback rides.

- He uses you as a dumbbell, there’s no stopping it. You’re going to be bench pressed at least twice in your lifetime.

- You definitely have like an unofficial meeting spot where if you go there he’ll show up minutes later without any actual prompting. It’s somewhere in the woods.

- Getting little homemade gifts like dreamcatcher’s and necklaces.

- Rock climbing and cliff jumping with him.

- God, if you can bake, or cook...or both??? This boy devours everything you put in front of him and tells you how much he loves you between every mouthful.

- He loves whenever you wear his clothes, and you have a lot to pick from considering he never wears them himself.

- Soooo many compliments and ‘I love yous’

- Your relationship is pretty much perfect and neither of you could ever dream of a better partner.

[corruptedcaps]

Stepping Up

“What the hell just happened?” Cassie said to her equally dumbfounded boyfriend Paul after having seen his bitchy step mother Madison suddenly disintegrate into dust before their eyes.

Just moments before, Madison had been mocking the couple for not being more sexually active like her and Paul’s dad, Frank. She often did this to the two of them but completely disappearing sure was a new wrinkle.

Paul walked over to where Madison had been standing. On the ground was the necklace she had been wearing.

“I feel like this has something to do with what happened.” Paul did picking up the expensive jewelry.

Cassie nodded. She had seen it come loose moments before Madison dissolved and the more she thought about it the more she realized that she never saw Madison without the necklace on.

Just then the two of them heard the front door beginning to open.

“Shit that’s my dad, quick take this and go put it in their room.” He said shoving the necklace into Cassie’s hands and lightly pushing her in the direction of the bedrooms while he rushed off to intercept his dad.

Cassie didn’t know if it was the hightened tension of the situation but she suddenly felt her heart beat a lot faster, her adrenaline skyrocket and also strangely turned on. She rushed into the master bedroom just in time to hear the front door close.

The room was a tribute to vanity and wealth. She knew that most of it was down to Madison’s control of Paul’s father. Ever since meeting him Madison had Frank wrapped around her finger.

However Cassie barely registered she was even in the room. She instead found herself staring intently at the necklace. She was never one for jewelry but found herself nonetheless stroking it lovingly.

“Sure a beautiful necklace, would be a shame to not give it a try at least.” Cassie said in a trance like state as she lifted the necklace to her throat and felt the cold diamonds against her skin. She shivered in delightful anticipation.

The necklace closed with a snap and Cassie felt the full weight of it on her body for the first time. She looked in the mirror and gingerly touched the glistening stones. That’s when she heard the voice. Madison’s voice.

“Ah my plan is working a lot faster than I expected, I should of gotten rid of my old host years ago.” Madison’s voice said in Cassie’s head.

“What do you mea- ohhhh what’s happening.” Cassie said suddenly feeling a change happening within her. Before her eyes she could see her body begin to shift and transform. To an outside observer it looked like it could be painful but to Cassie it was anything but.

“Ohhhhh god what’s happening to me? Why does it feel soooo gooooood?” Cassie said moaning with pleasure.

The fat on her body started to shrink and disappear replaced with instead flawless smooth skin toned to perfection.

“You’ve just joined a very exclusive club my dear. Club Madison. Soon you’ll be a goddess living a life of luxury and hot sex. You’ll love it.” Madison spoke as Cassie’s skin tanned. Hair dropped from her body everywhere below her neckline.

“Mmmmm that sounds perfect for hot slut like me. What am I saying? A hot slut like me? I’m not some uber bitch.” Cassie said at odds with the pleasure she was feeling.

Her hair darkened and curled at the tips giving her and elegant yet sexy look. Her facial features shifted into more sharper but gorgeous angles. She also aged up looking more and more like Madison by the second.

“Not yet but you will be. That old host was starting to get past her prime, 400 years is a long time after all. You’ll take over from her as if nothing even happened.” Madison said with a laugh.

Cassie’s tits slowly inflated up and out, she couldn’t help but give them a squeeze causing her to softly moan.

“Yesss all her money, clothes and makeup will be mine, not to mention her hot husband and his big manly dick. No this isn’t right, what about Paul?” Cassie said in between the orgasms assaulting her pussy.

Hee nails became long sharp blades which she used to stroke her new tits, loving the sensation. Finally her clothes seemed to melt together into one long sexy black dress.

“Paul is loser, a beta. You deserve a real man, an alpha like you. Just look at yourself.” Madison said aggressively.

Cassie tore herself away from the orgasms she was having to take a look at her transformed look. She could no longer see any remnants of herself in the reflection and and only saw the bitchy Madison staring back.

She threw her head back suddenly as vast quantities of memories entered her head. Centuries worth of manipulation, lust and power filled her once innocent mind. Her head slowly dropped back down with a newfound evil smile across it. Usually she would cower at the sight of Madison but now she was the evil bitch and she loved it.

The Madison voice that had been whispering to her was now a part of her, her new sub conscious eagerly encouraging all her bad thoughts and naughty desires.

“Mmmm yessss I’m Madison now, a true alpha goddess. Why would I ever fight this?” Said the transformed Cassie now embracing the Madison persona as she lovingly admired her new form.

All feelings of love for anyone except herself were now foreign memories to her. Cassie was a weak little girl compared to the woman she was now. She strode confidently put to the living room to see Frank and Paul talking.

“Paul I don’t have time for your crazy stories about your stepmom dissolving into thin air, look Madison is right there.” Frank said gesturing over to his wife standing in the hall.

Paul looked to see and found his mouth drop open at the sight of Madison. She looked more youthful but no less bitchy. Madison revelled in his expression but even more so in Frank’s lustful grin.

She sauntered over to him and gave him a deep kiss. She whispered into his ear to go wait in the bedroom for a gift that he could soon unwrap, she wanted to talk to Paul for a moment.

As soon as Frank disappeared into the bedroom Paul seemed to snap out of his shock.

“What did you do with Cassie you bitch!” He said in a hushed but angry tone.

“Cassie? You mean you’re pathetic loser of a girlfriend? Oh she’s never coming back. I’m Madison now baby and I’ve never been happier! You’re not going to say a word about this or you might find yourself in trouble for Cassie’s ‘disappearance’.” Madison said with a cruel laugh.

“Now be a good little step son and go jerk off to me. Oh god I’m such a hot little bitch aren’t I?” She said turning around and heading to her new bedroom and as much as Paul didn’t want to admit it, he was looking forward to jerking off about her.

[alleyskywalker]

Ekaterina/Catherine (2014) - S3E6-E7

SPOILERS (incl. for character death)

@mildredmost

We get introduced to Gavrila Derzhavin (a historical figure) and his buddy Bludov (who may or may not be fictional, I’m not sure). For now, their purpose is unclear to me – mostly they’re going around gambling and drinking. Derzhavin managed to get himself and Bludov out of trouble with Catherine through some nice poetry and wit/flattery. She gives them an “assignment” to go and capture Pugachev, a task to which they apply themselves with ~some diligence. (Shallow observation, but Bludov is cute.)

Elizaveta tries to play both sides, i.e. keep her French alliances and make a Russian one with Ivan Shuvalov, who is residing France and is out of favor with Catherine. This doesn’t go well for her and the attempted alliance with Shuvalov doesn’t go much of anywhere. Catherine is still obsessed with figuring out Elizaveta’s heritage and had her people steal the portrait of Elizaveta that was being commissioned by Elizaveta’s Polish/French sponsors. But, of course, she gains little useful information from this, as could be expected lol. Panin, finally, seeds the smart idea/conclusion that it doesn’t really matter whether or not Elizaveta is actually Elizaveta Petrovna’s daughter and/or who her father is.

Panin and his brother (who comes to Petersburg while Catherine is away) are Plotting. They’re kind of involving Paul in it too, but just barely – like, enough to compromise him but not enough for him to actually be able to make informed decisions. Yes, they’re kinda using him as a pawn and, agh, fuck you, Panin. I know from S2 that you’re a snake, even if an entertaining/ostensibly charming one.

Their little meeting is of course found out, because Paul’s valet is spying/informing on him. Catherine kinda freaks out (because she’s a control freak) even though Potemkin tries to get her to chill. He wants to continue going South, she wants to go back to Petersburg. They fight and end with him going South and her going to Petersburg…which was honestly coming, lbr. (Of course, Panin weasels out of getting into trouble and turns it all around in his own favor lmao.)

Soooo….as we know, Anatole has challenged Andrey to a duel. Andrey’s father finds out and tries to arrange things (through Viola’s father) so that the duel ends in apologies and nothing more. The fathers are agreeable to this, Andrey is agreeable to this but…Anatole turns out not to be. Actually, he’s kind of a little shit during the whole thing. Like…I’m not super pleased with how Andrey’s motivations are always left kinda oddly vague and sometimes contradictory, but in this case it does seem like he’s come to regret the entire situation and basically refuses (at first) to shoot at Anatole and shoots in the air. Anatole misses (the bullet grazes Andrey’s cheek) but wants to continue the duel. Andrey’s second urges him to not fuck around because Anatole is set on killing him. But even the second time, Andrey looks away when he pulls the trigger. But he doesn’t miss, and Anatole is killed. (Shouldn’t have been so dumb and stubborn, agh.)  

Of course, Andrey’s unwillingness to shoot could have another interpretation: killing someone in a duel (which were forbidden) had serious legal consequences. Like…getting sent to Siberia type of serious. But, eh, as his second point out, not shooting straight meant risking death and STILL possibly getting court marshaled, if you’re only wounded, just for participating. So… Anyway, either way, Andrey decides his life is over and almost attempts suicide, but he’s interrupted by Natalia who seduces convinces him into having hope. She also pleads with Catherine on his behalf, and I guess she’s successful, because Andrey is not, in fact, court marshaled after all.

You know what, I absolutely did not need this much (more) time spent on Orlov’s dementia. (Catherine goes to visit him in Gatchina.) Especially given some of the weird aspects, like where he thinks his wife is his “wife” and his “sister” at the same time… But at least is treated a bit more like dementia (which he did have at the end of his life) or, like, a recognizable mental illness, than the way it was done in S2 where it felt more like a “lolz Orlov went crazy” framing.  

Vlas (Panin’s valet/coachman) is flirting with Natalia’s lady’s maid, Gertrude. It’s kinda cute. But, ah, also kinda dangerous cause Vlas is entertaining ideas to run off and join Pugachev’s ranks. (Which, I mean, look, given the kind of promises that dude was making – about freeing surfs and giving people land and taking down the nobility and all – it’s kinda hard to blame the common people for finding him an attractive option. Especially when they’ve never seen him/know how things are in his camp and whatnot.)

[ohstylesno]

If you were famous, how would it be your social media presence? Just work related stuff like Harry or more open with personal stuff like an influencer? Or something in the between?

Great question, I’ve actually thought about this! Disclaimer: I would NOT be like Harry, haha. (He’s so boring on SoMe, but TO EACH THEIR OWN). 

Twitter: I wouldn’t do too TOO much Twitter, but I’d LOVE to just randomly reply or retweet fans who don’t expect it?? Like sneak in my mentions, and give them a nice little surprise. Not too often tho, ‘cause Twitter is a cesspool, BUT I do think it’s nice to interact a bit on there. Khalid is an artist who’s really good at fan interactions on Twitter. Same with Paul Klein from LANY. He goes through mentions and likes so many posts his fans write about him and his band. Chrissy Teigen is another ledge on Twitter, Niall is really sweet with his fans too. So many are doing Twitter well. I also think Twitter can be an easy platform for speaking out about social, economic and political issues too. I appreciate famous people who use their platform to speak up, so I’d try and do that. 💪

Insta: I still love insta and you know as a fan yourself how excited you get whenever your fave posts something, so I’d use Insta regularly. Make the coolest photo album ever. If you do social media right, I think it’s a great way to show more of yourself, and it’s a cool way to take back some control over how you’re presented. I��d def post my photography, bts stuff from when I’m recording/working, tips and tricks, q&a’s, being on tour, day to day life, etc. Like Astrid S does Insta sooo well, to name one artist :) Oh and I would go live and chat. Lots of celebrities are really good at IG live. John Mayer for ex, will sometimes open the stream and allow random viewers to join in. Sometimes he’ll just play guitar on IG live and not speak. Shawn Mendes is good at insta too, (just to name another example), communicating in a casual way like IG live for ex, with no preparations or anything, is a cool way to get to know your faves a bit better. It makes them more “human”, and closes the gap between this “unattainable superstar” and us normal people a bit :) 

I’d also post videos on youtube, or some other stream/video platform. There’s soooo much fun stuff you can do! 

BTS are doing this really cool thing where they stream live on a website they have. (They also have a reality/variety type show which is so awesome) But sometimes they’ll stream alone from a hotel room, sometimes two and two together (or more.) Sometimes they eat dinner together with you and chat, sometimes they play games, or just talk about their day and random thoughts they have. Often it’s really honest, in-depth and interesting discussions about their life and how they’re doing. It feels like you’re all hanging out together and it’s a really, really nice way to interact with your fans imo :). 

So yeah, there’s so much I’d love to do. Until I’d one day get sick of it all and would delete everything John Mayer style. 

So yeah, I guess I gotta become famous now, eh? 😂

[cksmart-world]

       SMART BOMB

The completely unnecessary news analysis

by Christopher Smart

August 16, 2022

TOP SECRET DOCS AND EXPLOSIVE BUSTIERS

Well, this is a fine how-do-you-do — FBI agents or aliens posing as FBI agents have victimized Donald Trump AGAIN! It wasn't enough that little beings in Italian satellites screwed up the election by switching votes from Trump to Biden, but now we learn someone or something has slipped classified documents into Melania's de-humidified walk-in closets at Mar-a-Lago. Whoever it was stashed the top secret  records in the wardrobe containing her lingerie. It's all in the search warrant where it says: “lift and separate.” Very suspicious. In fact, Utah Rep. Chris Stewart even said, “Maybe it was aliens.” No Wilson, he actually said that. Attorney General Merrick Garland issued a statement saying the FBI does not hire aliens. But that didn't quell the anger on the Right. Arizona Rep. Paul Gosar said, “We must destroy the FBI.” And former House Speaker Newt Gingrich compared the FBI to the Gestapo. Of course we know the GOP is pro law enforcement — remember “Lock Her Up!” But this is different on account of... well it just is. Like, why would Donald Trump hide nuclear secrets in Melania's lingerie — it makes no sense unless he had a secret deal with Putin through Valeria, the Russian equivalent of Victoria's Secret. Now that would be one explosive bustier.

PLACENTAS ARE PEOPLE, TOO

If you are traveling by air and have a placenta you can demand two seats in comfort-plus, according to our friends on the right. Dave Alvord, local Republican patriot and Salt Lake County councilman, shot back at Vice President Kamala Harris on Twitter recently mansplaining to her that a fetus is not part of a mother’s body. No Wilson, we are not making this up. Alvord had taken umbrage when the veep said that women should have control over their own bodies. Amid criticism — and despite medical facts — Alvord bravely stood his ground. “The baby floats inside the woman... the umbilical cord and the placenta are part of a new and developing body, with its own unique DNA and gender...” he said. The notion that a developing fetus is part of the mother is just a fake rationale for leftist baby killers. “It is not about the woman’s body,” he explained, “it’s to kill then remove the baby’s body. It is done in greater proportion to black babies.” A consummate conservative, Alvord also uses Facebook to make important cultural arguments, such as this: "[T]he left won't be happy until we each have light brown skin are exactly alike…until there are no males, no females…until we are all bi-sexual and in non-committed relationships." And that's why it's soooo important to keep voting Republican!

MISSING TEXTS — AND WHAT THEY REVEAL

A whole bunch of missing text messages have been found and what they reveal is simply astonishing. The staff here at Smart Bomb has come into possession of missing texts from Utah's congressional delegation surrounding the Climate Bill, a.k.a. the Inflation Reduction Act. Not one single Republican voted for it. Here are the contents of the texts, although we have yet to identify which Utah congressmen is speaking at any time:

  Rep. A — The Dems say the $370 billion investment in a low-carbon economy will be paid for by prescription drug savings and raising taxes on large corporations.

  Rep. B — That's why we're not voting for it — we got friends in Big Oil and Coal.

  Rep. C — The good thing is we can vote against it and then campaign as though we're saving the world. Our constituents won't know 'cause they watch Fox.

  Rep. D — But it includes $60 billion for renewable energy, like solar and wind. It even has tax incentives for nuclear power and electric vehicles.

  Rep. B — It doesn't matter if it's good, we can't let Biden have any victories.

  Rep. A — But what about global warming and climate change?

  Rep. C — Don't worry, it's not like the polar ice caps are melting or anything.

Post script — Well, that'll do it for another week in the Dog Days of summer here at Smart Bomb where we keep track of bears on hallucinogenic trips so you don't have to. This is for real: A brown bear in Turkey came across some great smelling honey and had at it, apparently unaware that it was “deli bal” or “mad honey.” The hallucinogenic sweet stuff has been cultivated for hundreds of years by beekeepers in the Black Sea region. The female cub was found stoned out of her gourd in the back of a pickup. Luckily, the driver whisked her to a vet, where she came down safely from what must have been one long, strange trip. Wilson and the guys in the band are Smart Bomb's staff experts on hallucinogens but not even they had heard of deli bal. Yes Wilson, it would probably go nicely with Turkish waffles. And no, the FBI has not disclosed whether any mad honey was found at Mar-a-Lago. But if Trump had smuggled in some deli bal it would explain a lot of things. You're right Wilson, he acts more like a speed freak or a coke-head. Most acid trippers are pretty mellow — like Mike Pence. It would be interesting if the MAGA crowd that is ready to hunt down FBI agents got gifts of Turkish honey. On the other hand, imagine a bunch of crazies with AR-15s on a bad acid trip. Well, it's kinda like that already.

Alright Wilson, we can read your mind. You're clinging hopelessly to the past and we know where you want to go. So wake up the guys in the band and tell 'em to ditch the Hawaiian shirts and sandals for T-shirts and walking shoes 'cause they're goin' truckin'.

Truckin', got my chips cashed in Keep truckin', like the do-dah man Together, more or less in line Just keep truckin' on Sometimes the light's all shinin' on me Other times I can barely see Lately it occurs to me What a long, strange trip it's been What in the world ever became of sweet Jane? She lost her sparkle, you know she isn't the same Livin' on reds, vitamin C, and cocaine All a friend can say is "Ain't it a shame" Sittin' and starin' out of the hotel window

Got a tip they're gonna kick the door in again I'd like to get some sleep before I travel But if you got a warrant, I guess you're gonna come in

You're sick of hangin' around and you'd like to travel

Get tired of travelin' and you want to settle down

I guess they can't revoke your soul for tryin'

Get out of the door and light out and look all around

Sometimes the light's all shinin' on me Other times I can barely see Lately it occurs to me What a long, strange trip it's been

(Truckin' — Grateful Dead)

[dolanswifey-blog]

I know I’m late with this whole Jack thing... *RANT*

But what tf is his problem..?? I didn’t want to get into any more drama when it came out (cause I’m sick of Dolan drama anyway) but I was dealing with my own shit and I literally could not take on anymore stress but I finally watched it the other day about him “exposing” the twins and all I got to say is... congrats, you fucked up what seemed like an amazing friendship and you gain..??? What?? Hate?? Cause mate, you got it!! I just have to break this down for my own sake...

1. He says he went out to LA 3 times and no one knew he was there and the twins said he can’t post anything about being there.. Um first even IF that is true, the twins don’t control whether you say you are or aren’t somewhere so don’t try make them look bad because you have some sort of agenda.. secondly I highly doubt that happened, I truly don’t believe the twins would say he can say that he’s in LA... you’re a grown as man ffs..

2. The whole “They were going to Jake Paul me” and “you guys are fucking stupid fucking idiots” (you sound like the fucking idiot btw) but the twins are nothing like Jake.. but they’re probably sick of people using them and then fucking off so this way they can get soooomething in return, because with the way they were treated and still get treated, of course they’re not going to trust anyone apart from each other...

3. “Virgins” okay lets be real we allllll knew they weren’t virgins, but the way he says it is so rude and so patronising and also saying it so matter-of-fact like and same when he says how E had a GF (no shit, we smelt Merebitch a mile off) but the fact that this is actually very personal information to just throw out there that he KNOWS will cause drama and shit (when it’s completely unnecessary) is so fucking rude..

4. To just blatantly say “literally Dolan fan accounts are mentally ill” that we “don’t comprehend anything” cool, casually just throw an entire fandom down and act as though you’re soooo much better.. fuck you.. and to say we’re all mentally ill, bruh I have fucking issues and I promise one thing.. Jack Dail has way more mental issues than I do.. and that’s saying something.. the twins at the end of the day will have our back, not yours..

5. “Fucking, stupid as fucking HIV infected fucking fan accounts still comment on my shit” stop being a c*nt and maybe they’ll stop... you think you’re so fucking smart...

6.I also saw the comments that he replied to and some of that shit was so unnecessary and mean.. like saying how the twins will never know they exist and shit, well I’d rather have the twins not know me than to be in your position with them matey.. bruh.. you’ve fucked up...

Okay Rant over, I never address drama like this usually, but damn I was just getting under my skin.. to be so disrespectful to an entire fandom and to Ethan and Grayson.. it’s not okay.. I hate that the twins always have so much drama that follows them when it’s the exact opposite of what they want.. they’re so loving, caring, giving, funny, cute, positive and fun guys that it’s so unfair..

P.S forgot to mention the drinking, but come on, who tf actually cares if they have drunk something and that contains like 5% alcohol..

[shortscribble]

Imagine Seth phasing in front of his imprint for the first time.

[This is more like a continuation from Seth meeting his imprint story]

Surprisingly things with Seth were going great after the initial disaster which shall not be mentioned ever again. Emily was in her honeymoon phase, the wedding was a success. Sure you set a mini fire, accidentally of course but nobody was harmed… apart from Jacob’s hair when he was putting out the fire. He had been furious, just as ungrateful as ever despite you giving him a helpful makeover. A little hair cut had fixed it easily and yet every time you were in the same room as him now, he would cringe and back away from you like you were the plague. Pretty sure you weren’t that bad, Seth was still here and that too by his own free will! Astonishing. 

You had spent two weeks at Clearwater’s home. Two weeks with Seth by your side every day. Two weeks of Leah giving you death glares and brandishing a sharp knife on the pretence of cutting vegetables whenever Seth wasn’t looking. Scary. You would take Jacob over her any time. 

Once you were back to living at Emily’s place, it had felt absolutely lonely without Seth and it even made you wonder if things would change now that he didn’t have you hovering near him 24/7. However, it had the opposite effect. Seth was with you whenever possible, it could be as simple as watching a movie in the living room to pretty romantic dates around the neighbourhood. 

Today the weather had taken a turn for the worst, Sam and Emily were going to be late and the rest of the guys were all coming over for lunch. This was something that happened very often so she had prepared food well in advance, all you had to do was place it on the table. Everyone loved Emily’s cooking and she was always happy to feed any of Sam’s friends that turned up at her doorstep. Even Seth was a big foodie. For that reason you took a big brave step towards the kitchen and made an apple pie successfully without burning the whole house down. 

You had just placed it on the counter when Paul walked in. “I wasn’t aware it was a pie day today.” And as if he couldn’t help himself his big grubby hands moved towards the pie. 

“It’s not! This isn’t for you” You shifted the plate farther away from his reach.

“For Seth then? Well he isn’t here, it’s mine now” He made a move for it and this time you smacked his hand to warn him off. 

“There is enough food on the table, Paul. Leave this pie alone” You glared at him ready to defend the pie till your last breath.

“You don’t want to get in between this Y/N, trust me” He was breathing hard now, his hand was shaking slightly.

“I’m not letting you touch this, get over it” It was a silent stand off between Paul and you with the pie in between. Nobody was backing down. 

“Fine, just one slice then” His hand was fast almost a blur but you snatched the plate back at the right time. 

“Like I haven’t heard that one before, I know you guys enough by now” You muttered as you placed the pie on the opposite counter unaware of Paul trembling behind you. 

Just then you heard a whoosh with the door banging open loudly and suddenly Seth was there pushing Paul aside. It was a weird struggle with both of them shaking and trembling so much. 

“Get a hold over yourself Paul” Seth shouted, his voice was almost a growl. He looked at your frozen body before dragging Paul through the door taking him outside. 

All this over a freaking pie. Just your luck. You ran outside worried about what was happening. You were worried for Seth actually, Paul was bigger than him and definitely a whole lot meaner. In the scuffle Seth elbowed Paul in the face and it was like the last straw before all hell broke loose. Both of them literally vibrated before there was something different in their place. Something that you couldn’t quite believe. Wolves. You could still see their ripped clothes scattered around. There was lots of growling and snapping, their movements too fast and rough. 

Just then Jared and Quil arrived running towards the wolves before becoming wolves themselves. Oh my god. Were you in the twilight zone? The newcomers pushed the others towards the forest cover and then they were gone. It was silent except for the rain like you just hadn’t witnessed people turning into wolves. 

You went back inside closing the door and grabbed the first thing you could see, a pan. No way were you facing anyone without a weapon. You were shaking as badly as Paul when there was a knock on the door. 

“Go away” The doorknob was turned a few times before there was a click and with that click you readied your pan rushing to whoever or whatever was opening the door. There a satisfying sound as your weapon found your target before the cursing started.

“damn it why do I have to deal with this” Jacob was annoyed rather than hurt, you had thrown all your force in that hit and yet he wasn’t affected. 

“Stay back! I said stay back” You flailed the pan around not doubting one bit he was one of the wolf guys too. Just look at him. 

“Y/N relax, nobody is going to hurt you. Give me the pan” He dodged your pan this time and grabbed it from you. 

“Seth will explain everything, just calm down” Jacob was crazy if he thinks you are going to stick around for any of that. “As if there is a sane explanation for magically becoming a wolf!” You shouted half crazed at his calm demeanour. 

“There is. He will be back any time now.” You pushed him aside, or at least tried to but he stood there blocking your exit. Just then you heard other voices, one of those you knew well. Seth. 

“Jake? Y/N? What’s going on here?” Seth pushed Jacob aside to stand beside you before you backed away from him. 

“I stopped her from leaving and my job here is done.” He shook his head and walked towards the table where all the food was kept. Paul walked right past you and so did Jared and Quil like you were invisible. 

“Y/N please listen-” Seth looked absolutely crushed when you moved away from him again. Since the doorway was now clear, you walked out not caring about the rain. Seth was right behind you. “I was going to tell you about this, I swear. It’s not bad as it looks”

“You become a wolf with a tail and all, Seth and there is not even a full moon!” You remembered silver bullets and full moon when it came to what you knew about werewolves. 

“That’s a myth. I can change whenever I want” 

“Oh! That makes it soooo much better” You said sarcastically. He tried to take your hand but you moved it away. 

“Stop pulling away Y/N, that shit hurts” It did, it felt unnatural. From warm cuddles and passionate kisses to this was a harsh blow. But so was his secret. 

“You kept this from me, something so profound and bizarre. I trusted you with everything but you couldn’t do the same” You stopped and looked away from him. You hadn’t made yourself this vulnerable ever. 

“I planned on telling you all of this. Ease you into this and not shock you but Paul” He sighed. “Just come back inside please, I will tell you everything from the start.” He extended his hand towards you and unlike before you couldn’t ignore it, you placed your hand in his and he seemed to relax from his tensed up state. 

NEXT DAY

Seth had stayed with you all day yesterday, telling you about the Quileute legends and how they were actually true. Things that set it in motion and everything that followed. Who all were just like him and even why everything seemed so intense when it came to your relationship. It was a lot to think over. He had stayed past midnight and only left when he was sure you weren’t going to run away after he left. 

It was still early in the morning when you were up and all dressed. You followed a trail through the forest that led towards one of the cliffs that bordered around the beach. Previously you had been here with Seth, happy to take in the breathtaking view and enjoy his warm presence. Today you were here alone with nothing but your thoughts. 

Emily had been devastated by your silent treatment, you would forgive her eventually. Paul had apologised for his behaviour and for eating the pie as well when you weren’t aware. Seth had left you with choices, to either take this further or not. It was all on you. 

Leaving his furry ass was not an option for you.  Wolf or not, he was still your Seth. The same guy who literally glowed when you had decided to stay here and not go back to the city after Emily’s wedding. The same guy who was thoughtful about everything when it came to you without expecting anything in return. 

Just then you heard a rustling sound before a wolf emerged from the forest. Since you weren’t scared out of your mind this time, you could see beyond the imposing size and scary teeth. The wind ruffled his sandy coat as he approached you slowly. 

On noticing your calm reaction, he walked in a circle brushing up against you lightly. You reached out towards him hesitantly running your fingers through his coat. He closed his eyes and made a slight humming noise. It was absolutely unreal, standing so close to something so magical and being able to touch it. Seth looked at you once and ran back in the forest before walking back out on two legs, without a t-shirt of course. 

“Emily said you left. I wasn’t sure what exactly left meant here. I panicked and followed you.. not creepily” He looked remorseful like he had done something wrong. 

“It’s fine. I wasn’t going anywhere. This seemed like a good place to think” You looked out towards the sea, it wasn’t raining yet but you could see the clouds approaching. 

“If you don’t want this.. don’t want me you only have to say it” His face was serious like he will suffer in pain readily if it meant you were happy. Just like that your decision was made. 

“Are you kidding? I have a personal wolf and a boyfriend all in one. No way am I giving that up” You smiled at him as he struggled to control his emotions. 

“On the note of not keeping any more secrets..” 

“What more? Oh my god do you become king kong next??” 

He laughed the carefree laugh you hadn’t heard since yesterday. “No Y/N. I’m in love with you.” 

“And I’m in love with you” you said all too happily before Seth had you in his arms placing a sweet kiss filled with love and yearning.

[h0nest-th0ughts]

Soooo, I have lots to say but don’t want to necessarily write it all out. So going to type it out on here.

Firstly I’m lonely, I miss seeing my friends and physical touch of other humans.

Coronavirus is shit and people are stupid.

I’m sad way too much.

But my biggest issue right now. Is my incessant need to be loved. In any possible way. I am so desperate to be wanted in any kind of capacity I make sure lots of people want me but in the ways that I want. I show them parts of me that I know they’ll like and entice them with it. I keep them at arms length. I don’t show them the real vulnerable me. Because I feel like when I do it’s never good enough, or scared people off. And so I end up giving parts of myself to people that don’t want or don’t deserve to see it and then they leave with that part and I never get it back. Then what am I left with? I want so much to be able to love someone wholey and truly and for them to do the same. I want to find someone that accepts me 100% for who I am. Even the parts I don’t like and don’t want to show. Someone who understands what I’ve been through and why I find it so hard to love. But does it anyway. Because they see me as a whole and want to still be around me.

I think the issue is that I still don’t truly love myself fully. I try to. I try so hard to. But I still carry a lot of hurt around with me. I still feel broken. And even telling people that, the way I do it. Doesn’t give them an opportunity to see it and help heal its. It just pushes them away. Without the chance to see it and be ok with it. I just show enough to say and that’s why I’m fucked up and you’re not interested.

I think the reason I struggle so much living with other people is that I constantly need to be in control of the small things in life. This is what makes me feel ok. And living with this many other people does not make that possible. And so it frustrates me.

I also just want to be someone’s first choice. I’m aware that this is ironic due to the amount of guys I’m currently talking to and sleeping with. But again it’s just an attempt to make myself feel wanted. And the irony of me turning into my mother is also not lost on me. But I want just once, to find someone and be everything they want. For there to be no ifs or buts. No girlfriends. No if the time was different. No waiting for them to get their shit together and decide they want me. Every time that conversation is had it hurts that much more. And the niggling feeling of not being hood enough comes back again.

I miss having the ability to be wholey, unapologetically in love with someone. I do this on a regular basis with lots of my friends. But to fully admit to someone that they’re the only person you want for now. I miss that.

But I’m so scared to seek that out because I simply can’t take another heartbreak. Paul broke my heart like I don’t think anyone else ever could. The feeling of betrayal is immense and I’ll never get over it. And that’s why I don’t let anyone even nearly close enough to cause that kind of hurt again.

I tell myself I don’t want the kids and the husband and the house. Maybe I do. But right now I can’t see it happening for me.

All I really want is a feeling of content happiness. A comfort in being surrounded by family that truly care for you and enjoy being around eachother. Not out of obligation. A family that’s laughs together and aren’t embarrassed to be themselves. Instead of constantly taking the piss out of, judging and comparing one another. I want to raise a child that is so comfortable to be authentically themselves that they grow into a beautiful kind human. Instead of trying to forge this path from understanding the hurt not acting like this can cause. Maybe I also want a child so that I have someone that will love me no matter what.

I just want someone to make me a priority sometimes. Just enough to make me feel wanted and important. Not for sex. Just because they enjoy being in my company. Because having me around makes them feel good. Because their life is better with me in it.

But I guess that’s the problem. I don’t see those qualities in myself. I don’t see why someone would keep me around. So I use sex as a bargaining chip. I tell myself that’s why they keep me around. But that’s ok because I’m giving it to them. So it’s a fair deal. Maybe that’s the big reason. I want to claim back the control I have over sex and who I have it with. I want to be in charge of my body and who has access to it. I want to claim back what was taken from me. So by allowing people access I’m proving to myself that a) I’m desirable b) I am in control of who can have my body and c) I am wanted in the capacity I allow. They don’t need to see any other side of me other than the one I give them.

I want so desperately to heal. To heal from the pain from my relationship with my dad, the pain of my mum never putting me first, the pain of losing my virginity to someone that simply used me for sex, the pain of Paul (Paul) always stringing me along, the pain of the relationship breakdown of me and james, the pain of losing the relationship I had with my mum, the pain of Jack never loving me back, the pain of losing my beautiful life in Australia, the pain of being betrayed by the one person you thought you’d always rely on, the pain of losing 3 sets of family members and feeling like you’re not worth keeping around or in contact with, the pain of never quite being good enough in any capacity in life, family love, romantic love, academically, in friendships, in work, just never quite being the one people want. And the pain of being raped. Of everything that came with that. The new inability to go on nights out and just enjoy myself. The pain of having someone take something so personal from you and it have no impact on their life. It a profound one on yours. The pain of feeling alone in this world. With everyone knowing little bits of you, but no one seeing the whole you. Maybe that person is Jack. But in seeing it all. He doesn’t want to be with me. And then there’s Anthony. Saying so many things but not following through on them. Again fuelling all the insecurities I have.

I need to learn to be at peace with myself again. But I can’t only do that when I cut everyone off. And that’s no way to live.

So what do I do from here?

I need to love myself more than anyone ever could and really take care of myself. I need to accept that although people may only see certain sides of me. They do love those parts. And for that I am thankful. I need to keep people around me that make me feel good about myself. I need to open myself up more and not be so guarded. Because being authentic is the most important thing. And I need to let go of all the things I cannot change.

I may hate living in this house. But right now I can’t change that. So I need to be grateful for the fact I even have a roof over my head and good in my belly because way too many people don’t even have that. This life can only be beautiful is you appreciate the simple things and work towards making it so. And therefore that is what I need to do.

I also need to remind myself that I have made it through every one of my bad days. The days I’ve wanted to cut, the days I’ve literally wanted to die. I’ve made it through every single one. And I am stronger for it. I haven’t cut in about 8 months. And I’m proud of that.

I need to be kinder to myself.

[zalrb]

TVD 2x01 Review

1. How fitting to review 2x01 today with all of the Bonnie/Katherine discussion happening on my blog.

2. Also, this is totally unrelated but AMC has been marathoning Jurassic Park for like the past how many hours and I have it on mute right now while I do this review and can someone tell me why in the first Jurassic Park, the little blonde girl gets the flashlight and turns it on and attracts that dinosaur to the car? Like I never got it and it FRUSTRATES me. So am I missing something? OK back on point.

3. John doesn’t seem to be in too much pain considering his fingers are cut off.

4. I like how when Stefan comes to the Gilbert house and runs up the stairs to examine Jeremy, he and Elena cling to each other briefly. Details, man.

5. So I’m not a vampire? Dammit.” “Jeremy, don’t say that. Why would you want that?” “Did you hear about Anna? What happened to her tonight? She’s dead.” Likkle boy, your logic is ridiculous.I don’t know if it’s Steve’s acting or the writing is just being lazy with it but if the whole allure of vampirism for Jeremy is that he can shut off his emotions then I need to see him overwhelmed with emotions all the time, like he essentially needs to be an empath and not the supernatural kind but the kind of people who are highly sensitive to their own emotions and to the emotions of people around them and he just wants it to stop. OR the show has to emphasize that Jeremy is a, what, fifteen year old kid and his logic is of a fifteen year old kid.

6. Also I really love how agitated Stefan is but also very precise with Jeremy lile LISTEN TO ME, YOU WILL DIE IF YOU KEEP THIS UP, DO YOU HEAR ME? And he gives him a little smack like YO ARE YOU LISTENING THO? which isn’t the same thing as Damon threatening to make him unconscious and grabbing his arm since this was like PAY ATTENTION BECAUSE THIS IS IMPORTANT AND I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR YOUR ANGSTY SHIT BECAUSE YOUR ANGSTY SHIT WILL KILL YOU. I find it very paternal. Especially since Stefan softens when Jeremy looks him in the eye and says he understands.

7. Damon figuring out that Katherine is back is SOOOO funny though because he is SO trash, like no honey, you weren’t kissing Elena, sorry.

8. I would’ve preferred if he slammed Katherine against the wall so hard that it cracked, they ARE vampires and Stefan is handy he couldve fixed it later. Details, man.

9. I like how Damon spent this time being all Katherine is omniscient, if she wants you dead there’s nothing you can do about it, we won’t figure out her plan oh but I can TOTALLY stake her.

10. Yes, Carol and Liz casually walk around the house talking about vampires and murder like there aren’t other people around. This is a mansion, there should be like 30 rooms you can go to to talk.

11. It’s cute how Stefan anticipates Elena’s needs, he threatens John because he knows she doesn’t want him in her life and she knows he threatened John to leave because she knows he can anticipate what she needs. Also their hug outside of the hospital is one of my favourites because she just needs to be comfortaed and hugging Stefan does that for her.

12. Ian needs to chill with the eyebrows for real.

13. Damon underestimated Grams and she was like boy please. Damon underestimates Bonnie and she’s like lol you tried. Why exactly is Damon so overly confident when he’s always proven wrong? DErs: It’s a defense mechanism to hide from his insecurity. Me: He needs a new one. Or get his shit together.

14. LOL the music surrounding Katherine makes me laugh because it’s so dramatic. Damon made his entrance killing like 5 people. Isobel had randoms walking in front of cars and forced a gay rodeo cowboy to have heterosexual sex. Katherine is just being trifling right now.

15. I always liked this Steferine scene in the Lockwood Mansion because Stefan is SO done, like he is just so over Katherine and her bullshit and he treats it like her bullshit instead of making it this OMG SHE’S DIABOLICAL and Nina and Paul play off each other really well so there’s also this tension but she is SO trifling and Stefan is just like omg I fucking HATE you

16. I also like that Katherine is the only one actually thirsty for Matt?

17. I also like the piano rendition of Breakeven.

18. “Why would you be surprised that I kissed you?” “That’s not a surprise, I’ surprised you thought I’d kiss you back” classic.

19. WHEN DOES JEREMY CUT HIS HAIR.

20. The alarm on his face as he drinks from the flask and Mason comes in is priceless though, one of the few actual teenage moments of TVD

21. Stefan legit has some pretty crazy exes though. Katherine stabs him because he said he hated her, Rebekah is Rebekah and Valerie made Caroline burn at his touch, like lmao, women fall DEEP for him man, Elena stormed into the cabin of a powerful old-ass witch? Lol.

22.Also find it super cute that Elena tends to his wound.

23. I like how Damon is like OOH LET’S FIGHT and Stefan is like I just got stabbed, I’m tired. Grow up, Damon.

24. Stefan’s speech to Damon about how he’s not going to let Katherine destroy the part of him finally willing to feel is mature and all but I need the show to stop acting like Damon didn’t feel before Elena because the problem has always been that Damon can’t control his fucking emotions and that leads to him killing people or hurting people. He spent 145 years loving one woman, clearly he felt. He slaughtered a house full of women in the 90s because Stefan said he kept failing and he was upset. He turned Vicki because he was sad. It’s Stefan who was willing to feel when he met Elena. Like they mixed up their own narrative. And it’s not like anyone can say that Damon developed a healthy love for Elena and that’s why it’s different than his obsession with Katherine because he didn’t! Same shit.

25. No idea why Katherine and Damon’s bickering suddenly reminds me of siblings, I think because I find them so petty with each other.

26. I really like Katherine’s bra though, I always like her lingerie, I’ll give her that. 

26. I love the way Katherine is looking at Damon now like, yo I just came for some D and now you wanna talk about feelings?

27. “There is something going on between us and you know it” can we appreciate the fact that Elena actually looks alarmed, like not even like he’s hitting a nerve, she’s looking at him like WHAT are you talking about?

28. I remember the first time I watched this I was like oh Damon that sucks, both women have been like “It’s always Stefan” in the same night basically one after the other, that’s rough, you’re an ass though and then he killed Jeremy and I said SEE YOU’RE AN ASS THOUGH. Then I watched it again and like, Original Katherine said it was always Stefan so you go to the woman you’ve transplanted your obsession onto and try to force yourself on her and she says it’s always Stefan so you enact violence on her by killing her brother.Stay classy.

29. The whole exchange between Stefan and Elena about Damon’s motivations still piss me off, it doesn’t matter, he killed her brother because he was upset, like that dialogue should’ve been used to ask questions about Jeremy and Elena being like so how does it work again, what did Isobel say? Do you think he’s going to be OK? Why hasn’t he woke up already?

30. Still super cute that Stefan kisses Elena’s shoulder.

31. The first actual stake-raising thing Katherine has done. (Killing Caroline).

Thanks for reading!