#you ever just try to break the cycle of familial abuse and neglect and it ends so catastrophically that your entire family tree is doomed

[mediumsizedpidegon]

I'm writing fic about Indra, and have changed canon in a few minor ways to make everything worse. It's great! Indra's standing there like

the WHOLE time and there's only so long things can go on like this :)

[beggars-opera]

Hey, so we don't talk enough about A Christmas Carol as being at least a little bit about not continuing a cycle of abuse and neglect, both against others and yourself.

In the book little Scrooge is left languishing over the holidays in a boarding school for some never-explained reason, but it is made very clear that this is miserable and unfair, and that his father is doing this on purpose. His sister specifically comes to tell him that "father is so much kinder now than he used to be, that home's like heaven." This also reflects a bit of Dickens's own childhood when his father went into debtor's prison and little Charlie was forced to support his family working full time in a shoe-blacking factory at the age of 12 (which is also why so many of his books seem to have a moral of "hey, kids are people too and maybe we shouldn't make them work in the mines.")

Whatever family reunion happened after didn't work out, because Scrooge continues believing that no one is coming to save him and pulling himself up by his bootstraps at the detriment of all other social relationships is the only way forward. And the more he lives by that philosophy, the more miserable he gets, because obviously he pushes away anyone who has that hope that he lost. They threaten to break down the walls he's built and teach him that a big pile of money doesn't have to be the only thing that he can rely on, if he'd just let himself be vulnerable and have a relationship with people who care about him, because they're out there even if he's ignoring them.

There is a certain type of person still very much out there who thinks this way. "I've never been happy in my life, so no one else has a right to be either. I was abused in my childhood so it's only fair that everyone else suffer as well." We see this in parents who still try to use corporal punishment, and in wealthy people who ignore the social factors keeping others down and scream that everyone else is just entitled, that only those who suffer and scrape deserve happiness. And they especially hate the people like Fred who represent the past that could have been, who have maintained hope for the future, and seem to be rubbing their optimism in your face, when in reality they're just maintaining hope because it's the only way you can survive.

It's so important for Scrooge to actually see the impact this thinking has on both himself and multiple generations. Rich people have this weird hangup about this story because they think Scrooge is bad because he's rich. He's not, he's bad because he's a horrible person and a miser - he doesn't use his money to better anything, including himself. Salting the earth, everyone suffers here, including him. And he learns that he's going to die old and alone without ever having spent or enjoyed his money, and that his family feels sorry for him, and that the nameless masses of poor people out there that he decries so much are in fact living, breathing people, including tiny disabled kids who don't deserve to suffer just because you decided life isn't fair.

In the end he takes responsibility for actually uplifting the people in the next generation who are trying to make the world a better place and no longer punching down, because it doesn't have to be this way. So many people out there just give up hope because things are hard and they think trying to improve things is a pointless exercise that makes them look dumb. How dare you grow a year older and not an hour richer! How dare you marry for love! That's the only thing more ridiculous than a Merry Christmas! When in reality, there are plenty of people who would love to see them happy if they just had a chance.

It's really sad that, while the language used to describe it has changed, these problems still persist. That people feel so wronged and isolated that they spend their days ensuring everyone else will be as well. That they fail to see their fellow humans as fellow humans who are just as deserving of love and kindness and a roof over their heads. I don't care what time of year it is, we should all be lifting each other up rather than tearing each other down.

[moraloreldeservedbetter]

Id like to talk about Clay as a father,

(I dont have my thoughts together about this so bear with me)

So everyone knows hes a horrible father, but i think that in his own twisted way he tried to break the cycle, which allowed Orel to become the father he was shown as in the last episode.

Now, obviously it took Clay some time to actually try to be a father, because until Orel was 4 he neglected him, i like to think because the thought of being the same thing as his father was too much for him, but neglecting was also too much and he couldnt admit thats what he was doing, so he was torn and felt worthless. (Clay literally says he didnt know how to be a father in trust)

In Passing you can see how Arthur was hurting by Angelas death and took it all out on Clay by hitting him, which clay saw as approval. Now with Orel, Clay does so much more than that. While Arthur basically threw old gunny in Clay's face and said "fuck off", Clay actually took Orel hunting. (Or attempted to) and because Arthur didnt take Clay hunting as a kid, Clay drank, a lot more than he usually does. (He always has a glass in his hand, but in Nature he was just chugging bottle after bottle) It could also probably be because he didnt have any responsibilities except for killing animals, so he could drink and relax but i like to think its because it was hard for him to do anything father and son related when he didnt know how fathers are supposed to act.

Also, Clay states "If i can prepare you for the bleakness of adulthood, i've done my job" which i think he had to figure out on his own, with no mother and a father who doesnt care about him. So, again, in a way, he tried to be a better father than Arthur.

ALSO!! the fact that Clay never tells Orel "I love you" back probably shows that he doesnt know how to say it, so thats probably something Orel picked up from Bloberta, im just not sure in which instance she would ever say "I love you" to her family, because she doesnt love them. (Other than trying to prove Orel wrong, like them pretending to love each other in Grounded and Gods Blunders.)

I think that when Clay was saying something and trying to piss Arthur off, he was trying to say "I love you" and when Arthur hit him back, he took it as "I love you too, son" but eventually, Clay saw it for what it actually was, which is dementrated in Trust because he actually states that he feels worthless when in his fathers presence. In fact, the only time Clay ever says "I love you" in when in the presence of another man, to another man.

I think Orel tries to see this, too, despite his hurt from Clays abuse becuase i believe whole heartedly that he lets his children see Clay and Bloberta, if he didnt he wouldnt put a picture of them on the wall next to Block and Shapey.

I have more thoughts on this but this is just too messy and im not normal about anything in this show

(Side note, in Sacrifice Clay is walking out of his study and copys Shapey when he says yummy, and interaction is only something that happened before Angela died, i cant see anything positive happening between Clay and Arthur after Angela died so uh yeah)

oh i agree

i DEFINITELY agree

clay is the embodiment of "i will not be my father" and decides to be somehow WORSE

[faramirsonofgondor]

Insane how many TV show characters have incredibly traumatic backstories or go through a shit load of trauma only for the writers to be like “yea and then they became an asshole and ruined all their relationship for no reason whatsoever.” and then they’ll be like “what do you mean that’s so out of character? no it’s not i literally wrote the character.” LIKE YES BITCH and they used to be a GOOD person and friend??? they would do anything for their friends and family??? ANYTHING. they spent eons trying to fit in and they dedicated so much time making sure their family was safe. and now you’re saying that they’re just selfish out of nowhere???

OR EVEN WORSE. when they fucking forgive their abuser for no reason or because their abuser was on drugs or addicted to alcohol. and then they get sober and magically become a better person??? what??? you mean the person who neglected their child??? the person who abused their child??? AND THE SAME CHILD GETS HATED ON FOR BEING RUDE OR EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE AND PEOPLE STILL DON’T TRUST THEM OR LIKE THEM EVEN AFTER THEY MADE CONSIDERABLE EFFORTS TO UNLEARN THE HABITS THEY DEVELOPED TO SURVIVE THE ABUSE THEY WENT THROUGH??? IM SO TIRED OF SEEING THIS HAPPEN IN SO MANY TV SHOWS. LIKE IF IT WAS ONCE OR TWICE I WOULD BE ANNOYED BUT ITS FUCKING EVERYWHERE.

Just to be clear I’m not talking about shows that have established characters perpetuating the cycle of abuse from the beginning, or progressively getting worse over time, because while I don’t necessarily like those plot lines, they can make sense when they’re done right. But I fucking hate it when it comes out of nowhere and ruins all the backstory the character had and goes against all their earlier motivations.

And while I don’t particularly like it in TV shows when a character forgives their abuser, I can understand it when the abuser actually realizes the weight of their actions, doesn’t try to excuse them, and makes efforts to do better. But almost all TV shows where the character forgives their abusers ends up with the one who was abused being labeled as a problem child or too much to handle/too difficult and the abuser gets to be forgiven without any real development or apology or effort.

Like there’s so many different examples of this happening - Jamie & James Sr. from Ted Lasso, Jess & Liz from Gilmore Girls, Buck & his parents from 9-1-1, Shawn & Henry from Psych (I said what I said), like half of the entire MCU, and multitude of other characters. Like all of the kids were emotionally neglected and abused (and sometimes physically as well) and then they “acted out” (they insulted people, were maybe a little bitchy, and acted immaturely) and then somehow them acting out and being immature or eccentric becomes a central point of their character, and other characters are often annoyed or upset with this part of the character. But then the adult who yk, abused their fucking child, is viewed sympathetically by the other characters because they “were having such a hard time” and “were really struggling” while they were abusing their child. And now that their kid is all grown up they “don’t want to have a bad relationship” and “only ever wanted what was best for them, they just didn’t know to how give it to them”. LIKE GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK MAN.

How is it the kids fault they were a bit immature or a bit of an asshole after being abused for their whole life but it’s not their abusers fault for abusing them???? like what the fuck??? Like it makes me sick to my stomach when other characters are like “wow it must have been so hard to raise them” when they literally DIDN’T raise them, they fucking abused them. Don’t even get me started on when they give the abused kid an actual parental figure and the abused kid opens up to them about how hard their life was and the parental figure does their best to support the kid only to turn around and encourage the kid to forgive their fucking abuser. Like what are these writers even on????

Anyways fuck forgiveness for the sake of forgiveness. You don’t need to forgive shit just because your abuser had a sad backstory. Womp Womp for them. Addiction doesn’t excuse abuse. Grief doesn’t excuse abuse. Divorce doesn’t excuse abuse. “Wanting what’s best for you” “being raised in a different time” or being “misguided”isn’t an excuse for abuse. Them having abusive parents isn’t an excuse for abuse. There isn’t an excuse for abuse. You don’t need to (and IMO shouldn’t) forgive an abuser just because they’re at a better or more stable point in their life than they were when they abused you or because they suddenly got FOMO and realized they’re gonna die soon and they don’t want a shitty relationship with you. And if they and other people are pressuring you to forgive them, then they clearly don’t realize the weight of their actions or how serious they were.

[answer2jeff]

the fatherhood theory:

my take on lip gallagher finding purpose in parenthood.

First things first, I quickly want to congratulate the writers for beautifully articulating the accuracy of Lip's initial reaction to Freddy's birth.

Tami had an extremely complicated birth that resulted in her requiring surgery. Lip, both as a new father and as a boyfriend, was legitimately terrified. He couldn't decide if he should stay with Tami or their son. His thought process probably included the possibility of the mother of his child suffering, further trailing to the fear of fatherly absence. Naturally, considering Lip's lack of a genuine father figure, contributing anything remotely resembling neglect or failure to accommodate to his son feels like the worst and most unforgivable thing he could ever do.

Secondly, I want to say that although Tami is quite different compared to Lip's other love interests, I think she was relatively realistic at the time. She has drive and compassion, and Lip loves a good sarcastic girl who affectionately ridicules the guy she loves. She's abrasive in a way that is more meant to establish her intelligence rather than actually put others around her down. Tami is also terrible at accepting criticism, but doesn't respond in the explosive anger that Lip does. She's more passive aggressive than, well...aggressive aggressive. Even though it's not quite the healthiest, it's much more flexible than rage.

In short, Lip sees a lot of himself in Tami. But, she's a more put together, determined version of him. She's the star that Lip never really turned out to be, even if she's not absolutely perfect. Their relationship is accurate for the conditions of the show (and Lip's life.) Tami doesn't give Lip a lot of opportunities to self sabotage because she's pretty much dubbed herself the lead of their relationship.

(not ignoring the fact that she said he'd be a shitty father by the way. that crushed my soul and i'll never forgive her but that's besides the point.)

Having to decide to let professionals (doctors and nurses, who he notoriously does not trust (rooted by capitalistic healthcare environments and the need for independence due to his childhood trauma), try their best to help Tami when she was literally blue and unresponsive, was difficult and extremely scary.

However, once Freddy has been properly cleaned and prepared to be held by his father, Lip suddenly finds the answer to so many of his interpersonal questions.

"I seem to have ruined everything I was once good at. Is there anything I won't automatically ruin just because I don't think I deserve it?"

Fatherhood.

"Would I be any better at this than my parents were?"

Yes, with practice.

"Would I be able to break the cycle?"

Yes, with love.

"Is it necessary for me to feel so deeply about the world?

Yes. Even if it's painful.

"And was it ever worth hiding that with anger?"

To some extent, yes. You wanted to protect yourself.

"Am I, deep down, past my inevitable quickness to rage, a good person?"

Yes. You always have been.

In hindsight, his excitement for becoming a dad seems kind of obvious considering his overjoyed and emotional reaction. But I think we can dig deeper beyond this surface level impression. Even if it's genuine and ultimately very good at showing Lip's love for his son. Something that I think really prepared Lip for the complications of parenthood was the time period during his time as a college student taking care of Liam.

He'd been surrounded by family members for his entire life that he did not trust. When Fiona, his beacon of support throughout his whole childhoo despite their complicated sibling relationship, made such a grave mistake that reflected neglect, Lip felt unsafe. Both Frank and Monica were typical offenders of drug and alcohol abuse. And they regularly dabbled in allowing these substance issues to affect their children.

Now there was really nobody in his family he could trust. Lip would have to re-learn how to fend for himself and his family. He's had plenty of experience, but he had a support system. Even if it contained his own siblings who lived the same abusive life as he did. But now that he didn't trust anyone around Liam, he literally had to become his primary caregiver.

"You're the closest thing to a dad we've ever had," said Ian Gallagher.

Becoming Freddy's father was the love that Lip needed in his life. Girlfriends are replaceable. Lip has proven this. But he always believed that once you become a father, you do not have the right to back out. And he'd always hold himself to that standard.

This is your life now. Do it right, or go to hell.

People like Lip need to have people in their lives who unconditionally rely on them. His siblings have chosen many times (and rightfully of course) to handle personal matters without Lip's advice. He hasn't gotten to feel as needed or as important as he deserved to be. Having a child, though unexpected, was the missing piece to the endless puzzle that was his life's purpose.

Lip's desire to be a good father not only stemmed from the failure of his own parents, but the fact that guiding his siblings through life was the one thing that everyone around him that everyone was convinced he couldn't do better than anyone else. (Personally, I think Fiona did a great job as an older sister. I'm more speaking from the perspectives and opinions of his siblings.)

Lip will feel love for himself through Teddy. Once he can finally succeed for the long term, he will find peace.

Not to say that he's automatically perfect, because he's not (and no one else is), but he's ready to take on the challange.

Freddy is the love of Lip's life.

And he always will be.

[florsial]

any thoughts on walburga? 🤗

Ask was so exciting I had to properly get ready for the day just so I could answer while eating breakfast. Thank you <3

Anyways! I'm sorry but so much of her thoughts just stem from her relationship to Sirius and Regulus. IM SO SORRYYYY

I feel like I should clarify. I'm not, in anyway universe, going to defend her.

The most important thing to me is that I believe the entire Black family did love each other, but they were all fucked over as kids so it never translated properly to the next generation. I definitely think a major cause of Walburga and her relationship with her children stems from postpartum depression that just never got talked about within the family. And I don't think she ever felt forced into her marriage, I think out of everyone in the family, she and Orion got along best (best: they weren't actively trying to do damage to each other). There was kind of an understanding between them that leads to them ignoring each other more so than yk screaming and hurting each other. I do believe it was because they were the closest related ones that were married.

I think with Sirius, it was a feeling of, "Well this doesn't feel as nice as I thought" and she just wasn't given a chance to properly bond before he was sent to China to live with Orion's parents. I do believe she tried, but by the time he was heading into Hogwarts, she just couldn't be around him without being frustrated at everything he was doing, his voice was annoying, and every time he did something there was always the thought of "The audacity of him" and all those feelings leaked into her lessons she would have to teach him which lead to there being more pressure placed in Sirius. But he's her son so she's always going to have this: "I love you, but I don't like you" mindset with him. Walburga would die for Sirius if she could, but she would never talk to Sirius without berating him and harming him in some way. Even in canon, she was pretty sad about him leaving so there was some love between them, it just got fucked over.

Unlike with Sirius, she had Regulus for a little longer before he was taken to China, so there was a bit of a relationship that was formed. Regulus is her golden child. I think in a trans-Regulus situation, there is a sense of "Someone just like me" from Walburga and she loves him for it. But in a cis Regulus situation, I definitely think it would be like a "mama's boy" type of thing where she kinda projects her "ideal husband" onto him (aka emotional incest) (it's disgusting but I can't unsee it honestly). Either way, Walburga would be so much more open to Regulus and there would definitely be an emotional parentification situation which plays into why Regulus wouldn't want to leave the family for the longest time. She was always so much sweeter to Regulus because he listened to her and he made the effort to not fight back against anything because, to Regulus, Walburga was suffering from loneliness, she was lonely and miserable, and her childhood was a mess on it own (once again generational trauma). She makes it clear that she does love both Sirius and Regulus, but only Regulus would've ever hear it. And from Regulus' neglected mind, love would be a good excuse for everything and anything.

She and Orion were never physically abusive. Just neglectful and scary when angry (but her actions are balanced out in Regulus' head). She had a hard time expressing herself, which was why it's so important to Regulus when she does talk. She's lonely. She's a horrible mother but loves her children. She misses her brothers but hates how Cygnus has turned into their father and how Alphard didn't give two shits about their family (not true, he just knew when something was a lost cause) (I like to think Walburga and Alphard parallel Sirius and Regulus a lot). She had a chance to break the cycle but didn't and it'll haunt her for the rest of her days. She'll spend the rest of her life in Grimmauld wondering what went wrong while ignoring the clear answer. She'll take her last breath and feel robbed of her happy ending and the fruits of her suffering. Also, I do want to add: that she's fully aware she's a terrible mother. It's a highlight of what makes her a terrible person, she's fully aware and doesn't change!

Also, she's definitely the type of mother to brush her kid's hair so far back, slick with no gel type of thing with those painful ass hair ties that have charms on the ends that you would wrap around the ponytail and smack your nails so HARD ITS FUCKING HURTS OMG. I just know when she was doing Regulus and Sirius' hair they were crying out on the inside.

[melodromacy]

ive been posting animal husbandry hot takes lately but here's a fandom hot take for you:

people need to stop caring about rusty so much (i.e. a lot of woobification and downplaying of how he really is) and treating him as if he's a positive character in venture bros. just because he has the venture name. because even now he is still functionally a deadbeat absent dad while also somehow still existing in his kids' lives who used to care more about unethical experimentation. and did things like kept backup clone slugs of his children. because he didn't care enough about them to even ATTEMPT to try and break the cycle and raise them with any semblance of love or care. and instead takes directly after his own father by abusing them via neglect and letting them die repeatedly because he felt no form of loving connection to them until later and even at that point it felt extremely forced. because i still feel even currently that he'd still rather let one of his kids take a bullet as long as it saved his own life.

yknow who we need to care about more? jonas jr.

a man who, functionally, was what everybody thought Jonas Sr. was. a man who was present in his family's life. a man who helped his wife escape an abusive situation. a man who loved his adopted child more than he probably loved himself. a man who cared so much about his disabled family member that he almost straight up killed the monarch and everybody in the flying cocoon for calling him a slur. a man who wanted nothing more than to commemorate his father that he never got to meet (even if he wasn't aware of how Jonas Sr. was behind closed doors). a man who wanted nothing more than to make the lives of himself and everybody around him easier, and better. a man who wanted to follow in his father's footsteps, a man who created the second Gargantua space station.

a man who sacrificed his own life, knowing he wouldn't get better, due to the rapidly spreading several forms of terminal cancer and organ failure he was beginning to suffer from. a man who realized how many people he could save if he let go - and went through with it anyway, because it would save people, people he loved, people he cared about, people he barely knew, and in some cases, people he hated. jonas jr was not perfect. sometimes, he'd work too much, and sometimes he'd neglect to keep forming and kindling his relationships because of his work. sometimes, he was stressed, and angry because he was stressed, and stressed because he was under pressure. but even then, he's better, and he's everything rusty ever wanted to be. and when JJ died, he willed everything in the Venture Techno Industries name to his brother. And he willed everything he could to his family he made so that they would never have to worry again. he willed his home, his livelihood, his LIFE'S WORK to Rusty. he trusted him.

[thetrashbagswasteland]

Break, skin, and ghost for kuris pls he’s one of my comfort birds

break: What would cause your OC to break down completely? What do they look like when that happens? Has anyone ever seen them at their lowest?

Well, Kuris has been to that point (luckily for us and unluckily for him) - the day he found out that Ru died is possibly the lowest he'll ever admit to being. Discovering that he'd acted too slowly to save someone who was genuinely innocent and that that tardiness was likely to screw over the people dependent on his nephew too was a point he's willing to accept and speak about as being a low point. Venna witnessed it and was there to help hold him together and a solid part of why he's willing to admit to it is because he can't escape it. The worse time, the one he'll take to his last breath is the private, quiet breakdown he had upon trying to reconnect with his brother - sitting with his head between his knees in the dirty guest-room of a recently neglected townhouse and wondering when his beloved big brother had been skinned alive and turned into a puppet of their mother. Venna suspects something terrible happened, he's alluded to it many a time but he will not admit to how deep he went that night, and that worst of all, Pol never did a damned thing in front of him.

skin: How comfortable is your OC in their skin? Do they grapple with anything that lives inside them—a beast, a curse, a failure, a monster? How do they face the smallest, weakest, most horrible version of themself? Are they able to acknowledge it at all?

He's a confident guy on the whole - that mix of shitty-feral rix bravado and a lifetime spent having reinforced that he's pretty enough and witty enough to get what he wants if he puts his mind to it; Kuris doesn't doubt his decisions or the way he feels for the most part. BUT He's terrified of how easy it'd be for him to repeat the cycle of abuse that was inflicted upon him - how easily he could end up all-controlling, wrapped up in paranoia and chasing feeling like he's safe until he hits the bottom of a bottle or syringe. In a way, being unaware of it, as the rest of his family (including Avitus) have been would be a blessing because the only thing worse than being an addict is being fully aware that's what he is. Would he ever acknowledge it out loud? No fucking way. But running the bar in Ora is a definite exercise in facing his demons and reminding himself that he's the one in control of them, not the other way around. But so long as he can function, well, he's able to hold his head high and know he's doing his best.

ghost: Who or what haunts your OC? What happened? How do they live with their ghosts?

Putting this into two parts for two asks SO you get the earlier side of things you bastard (affectionate) Temblia, his mother, haunts him. Unlike Nearcus, she was never a violent person because she never had to be- no, she was a hundredfold more terrifying than a sad, angry little man because she was sadistic for her own enjoyment. She rarely had to lay a hand on either him or Pollux, truth be told, but she still scared the shit out of her boys all the same. He sees her ghost first of all in his brother's change when he tries to return home and later on, once he's got a family of his own, she sure haunts him still - an ever-present reminder that just because he's not physically violent doesn't mean he can stop policing how he interacts with his family.

[subarus-gentle-butterfly]

MIU'S BACKSTORY

TRIGGER WARNING: abuse, self-harm, addiction, neglect, and starvation are ever present in Miu's Backstory. Read at your own discretion.

Please don't ignore these warnings if you are uncomfortable with any of the topics listed. I am not responsible for how you may react should you choose to ignore the warnings and cause yourself mental harm.

Miu was born into a dysfunctional, unloving, and toxic family. She was bullied and abused by her father, Mikuo for years, never once daring to escape, fight back, or disobey for fear of worse treatment, despite her deep hatred for her father and longing for the torture to stop. Her mother, Chisato would tell her always how much she loved Miu, how Miu was everything she ever needed, but was always too drunk or high to step in to protect her from her evil father and when she was conscious in her right mind, she did nothing but watch with an expression Miu didn't understand in her tired eyes. Because of this, Miu had to grow up early and act like a responsible caregiver for her mother, who was either obsessed with her or hated her, while also continuously feeling hurt or betrayed by her mother.

Chisato's addictions and delusions only got worse once she learned of Mikuo's affair and other child, a son named Goro Sakamoto, who was brought to live with her family as his mother was sick. Miu absolutely fell in love with having a sibling, hoping naively that this could somehow save her broken family and turn it into the perfectly normal family that other kids around her and on television had. Miu she loved her brother more than anything. They were super close, they would do everything together. And things were going well... Until they didn't anymore. While Goro was staying with them, her father did try to shape up a bit, knowing he was being watched now by the people who dropped Goro in his care. He stopped screaming at Miu and hurting her as much.... Until he got laid off from his job. He exploded, everything he had done before just became worse. He didn't even care anymore. He was just angry and uncontrollable. Miu did everything in her power to protect her half-brother from her father's wrath. She taught him how to get away with certain actions behind his back, what not to do or say around him, and when to act like he was asleep and how to get away with it. In addition to that, Miu would always take the blame for any antics her brother got up to that lead to a scolding. She told him she would always have his back, no matter what. She loved him most in her life. She loved him more than she loved her mom. Another 2 years pass, her father becomes a contract employee working for a corrupt boss, and Goro gets taken away and sent back to his recovered mother. Miu feels helpless, as soon as her brother was gone, the beatings got worse as her father became far more stressed and angry. Over this time, her father became sadisticly obsessed with using Miu to de-stress. He started to enjoy seeing her beat up and bleeding, in his mind, he no longer even thought she was human, much less his own child anymore. Things would go as far as Miu being locked in the basement without food for days, she would get whipped with a belt if she didn't do something her father asked her to immediately, would get degraded nightly and told how much her mother was a whore and how useless Miu was, that she'll end up just like her mother. He would hit her with alcohol bottles for fun when she was allowed out.

During this time, Miu took up a self-harm addiction. She would scratch at her wrists with whatever she had that was sharp enough, one time breaking the skin with just her nails alone. She just wanted something, anything to distract her from the emotional pain she felt. He became so used to the constant cycle of pain, but it never stopped hurting. One unfortunate day, she gets caught cutting by her father, who laughs in her face about it. "Pathetic." After this, her addiction became a normal pass time. She would do it without thinking as just something to do while she was alone. The following night, she gets locked in the basement without food for two more days. After crying herself to sleep nearly every night with her forearms bloody and battered, Miu decides that she just can't take it anymore. Nothing would ever get better, and her brother would never come back to save her. In the time she's locked up, she forges a plan to pick the lock on the door and get out. She had been practicing with various objects trying to unlock the door since she was first trapped, and she was sure she could do it this time. In the middle of the night, while she could hear her father's loud snoring, Miu decided it was then or never. Much to her relief, she successfully gets the door unlocked and crawls out of the door, out into the danger zone. She takes as much precaution as she can to make as little noise as possible while going up the stairs, terrified. Once she's in the clear, she quickly tip-toes out for her shoes, grabbing a knife from a kitchen drawer and taking a look around her childhood home. She can’t help but feel torn a little sentimental about the place she was raised with so many fond memories with her brother. But the trauma greatly outweighed those memories, and she was running short on time, so she tugs on her worn shoes and takes a wobbly step outside.

The air outside is cold but refreshing, almost knocking the wind out of her lungs when it hits her face, which was warm and wet from crying. She looks back inside one more time before closing the front door, a little too loudly and sprinting as fast as she can to get away.

She could hear her blood rushing in her ears, drowning any sound behind her out. Her legs hurt, she felt like her lower half was burning. She doesn't stop once, barely recognizing the sting of the cold night air on her raw arms, the figure of an abandoned mansion in the distance, a loud creaky door. She doesn't stop to think or check if her newfound safe-haven was really as abandoned as it had looked. After several minutes of dry-heaving and catching her breath, she finally stumbles across a room with a very comfortable looking bed. She could ignore the pain in her stomach telling her she needed to feed, she just wanted to rest, safely and soundly. So she climbed into the bed, starting to cry from relief, and guilt of not thinking about her mother, but mostly such overwhelming relief that she was finally far, far away from her monster of a father. She was asleep before she could even remember closing her eyes. She had peaceful dreams for the first time in years.

When she awoke, she was surrounded by intimidating figures with glowing eyes staring down at her like they wanted to eat her. She scrambles to pick up her knife holding it firmly in her hands and ready to attack the suspicious men around her.

She would later learn of the new monster, or monsters, that could hurt her even worse than her father ever had. But she would learn to love them regardless, and think of them as her family, despite how cruel they would treat her. All that matters to her was that she was safe, despite the entirely new danger she had trespassed into.

[Obtaining files. . .]

「Files found! Select」

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【FAMILY LOGS】

Father: Mikuo Kinkawa

Mother: Chisato Ameyama

Siblings: Goro Sakamoto (younger half-brother)

No other documented family found

[neo-shitty]

hope you dont mind me popping in to your inbox to scream abt whc1 bc you are truly the only person out of my friend circle that has watched it 😭😭 first of all

facts. he can do no wrong.

second of all its been days and i am still processing like this has never happened to me before ?? usually i am a lil :// until the rest of the day when i finish a sad drama but with this im just so heartbroken still. yesterday during a big mental breakdown (unrelated to the drama i am not THAT crazy ok) i realised why it hit me so hard and i think its bc i somehow relate to sieun (anger issues and all /j) and so i somehow projected into his character and so when it all went down with suho i just couldnt deal w it ?? I LEGIT HAD A MINI PANIC ATTACK it felt like it was happening to me 😭😭😭 like he was such comfort for me. he broke the cycle of loneliness and stereotype for sieun and i just really adored each interaction they had. the fact that they would both kill and die for each other makes me bawl my eyes out.

but when it all comes down to it, i understand beomseok, i really do, but i also dont. i dont think ill ever forgive that character, i just cant. i cant imagine how it must have felt for him and i couldnt be able to deal w life either if i was in his shoes, but my brain just cant grasp the lengths he went to hurt people that did nothing but care for him and tried to help him with everything. he's a complex character for sure, one you have to analyze to get, but i dont have it in me to have a single ounce of sympathy after the ending of the drama.

but to think that the parents and the adults were truly at fault here ?? beomseok being abused, sieun abandoned and neglected, suho not really having parents around either (i read somewhere that they are canonically abroad or something?? not too sure), the policemen not taking sieun seriously at first, the teachers seeing the shit happening and not doing anything to stop the bullying... where were everyones parents when all those kids got caught up w the gang? its truly sickening and heartbreaking to think that this truly could be happening anywhere and to anyone.

and it broke me so much bc i could accept beomseok drifting away from them and stuff, but to gang up on suho on his fucking birthday? sieun cooking and decorating with young yi and taking pics for her insta (i strongly believe her and sieuns friendship is SO underrated they were so cute together) and both of them just hid it from everyone to protect suho,, their sunshine ??? the poor boy must have been so confused and lonely on his bday and it makes me :( and then when he saw sieuns cast and went to avenge him ?? I read something about how suho always fought only in self defence but when he saw sieun hurt he crossed the line and fought with the purpose of hurting somebody only bc his best friend was put in danger and that- that broke me.

also i find it funny how i found the drama through a clip on tiktok where jihoon cried at watching the last scene where sieun breaks the window and i was like oh this should be just the right amount of sad for me rn and then i got emotionally damaged. :,)

yeah anyways my fav trope is found family and FUCK all of those who hurt my sunshine bc now im forever heartbroken.

sorry for the rant toffee but it did felt cathartic to write this all out

bar, please don't worry about it. feel free to come back any time you have to yell about it and i'll try to get back to you as soon as i can.

sooho was just too easy to love. we headed into that show blind HAHA we should've known it was too good to be true! i never saw it coming actually.

same !! took me days to get over this too. *hugs* i'm sorry about the mental breakdown, i hope you're feeling a bit better now !! oh the projection must've made the whole thing twice as hard. again, sooho was such a comfort character :( his happy go lucky nature was such a breath of fresh air esp when the themes occasionally got dark. i want that dynamic for me actually (to kill and die for each other, yes). i usually find it corny but it was so well executed here.

oh bumseok :( i think it's valid to simultaneously understand him but at the same time, find what he did unforgivable. i get where he was coming from and how he was just looking for a place to fit in—where he wasn't looked down on. idk how to describe it but when he started misreading the situation (like that whole bit abt sooho not following him on ig but following young yi), i think something in him snapped. he was so fed up with being helpless at home and at his previous school that when it happened a third time, he did everything to get back and lashed out.

I 100% BELIEVE THE ADULTS WERE ABSOLUTE SHITTIEST NEGLIGENT FUCKERS AROUND. like???? leaving a scamming syndicate to be dealt with by high schoolers?????? bumseok's fake ass politician dad??????? sure, sieun's parents were 'present' but emotionally distant, like check on your kids bitches or not have them at all god dAMN. i thought some of the aspects of the bullying were exaggerated bc from where i'm from it never gets that bad but hearing that to an extent, it was truthful about it just left me dumbfounded. how could parents allow things like this to happen under the radar? it's unbelievable and heartbreaking to me.

yeah, i thought bumseok would just join his cool boy squad but he really had to do whatever the fuck he did :D my girl, i know you read my tags and i was vile as fuck towards him but at the time i was just so angry too. also yes! youngyi and sieun's friendship <3 i wish they had more time </3 and honestly, if bumseok didn't do a whole 180, i think the four of them would make such a cute squad. like the way they would protect each other??? hmp :/

'i read something about how suho always fought only in self defence but when he saw sieun hurt he crossed the line and fought with the purpose of hurting somebody only bc his best friend was put in danger and that- that broke me.' i saw that the other day and that broke me to fucking hell i could sell anyone's soul to see them together again (SPECIFICALLY, with the other one being fine and out of comatose yes i would love that for me.

ohhh, i've been meaning to watch that vid of them reacting to whc1 but at the time it didn't have subs. jihoon's acting was so fucking effective like??? the sadness the eyes of that man has can sway me to do anything !! so sorry that you got so much more than just a little sad bout. heading into this drama blind was like bringing a knife to a whole war.

this show made me realize that tragedy could strike any pairing on any show and i wouldn't bat an eye but have the same happen to a found family and then i'm instantly destroyed. THE SHOW ACTUALLY REMINDED ME OF YOUR CHENJI FIC????? FUCK. please do let me know if you ever get around to writing something related to them haha i'm ready to be destroyed.

please do not ever apologize for ranting especially about this show !! i went through this whole phase ALONE last year (watching it after christmas was the biggest mistake, i ended my year DEPRESSED as FUCK) so i'm offering as much help as i can.

[wintersoldierbmb]

the part of my will i feel like writing

december 30 2022

3am

cant even remember the last time i logged into this page

i haven’t wrote down a single one of my problems. i have been using my old ways to cope with the pain i have been enduring  for the last few months - drugs, alcohol, & self-harm

something in me is so hurt now than it ever has been before. every single day is the same cycle of crying, cutting, getting high, drinking until it hurts to even smell the bottle... 

i have never felt so worthless in my entire life. i feel like a dirty rag, wringed and set out to dry.

my friends don’t love me anymore and i always feel alone. i smoke every day just to distract myself from how unappreciated i feel. i get drunk and cry my tears, sobbing silently for hours, to eventually fall asleep to wake up and do the same thing over again. i deserve this suffering, and i know that this is my own fault for trying to fit myself in places where i don’t belong. all i ever wanted to do was be good, but i make mistakes and bad choices that set me back more every time. i bully, neglect, and abuse myself every day in order to remember what problems i have that need to be fixed, but i can never fix them. i feel pitiful for being a grown ass man having to come and humiliate myself on here just to stop from putting myself in danger.

my birthday was the 23rd. i turned 19 (too old to be in this position) and it was the first birthday in years that i didn’t cry(i cried the next day). my feelings have been so hurt since. i miss my mama very much and it’s hard to call her without breaking down. i feel so bad for ruining my parents’ lives. i miss my grandparents very much and i hate that i can never feel the same around them because of what a terrible son i am.

i hate that my mother has to bear the cross that is having me as her child. i pray every day that my life is taken from me so that my family and “friends” can have some relief that i am gone. i don’t matter enough to anyone to where me going missing would bring them some great fortune, but i know for a fact that everyone who has had a part in taking care of me will experience some relief followed by my death. i really have no way to put this without making it sound as selfish as it does, so if it does sound selfish, so be it. all i know to do at the moment is write my truth so i can at least say i talked about it. this is the type of depression that is hard to understand, so i could care less about judgement, or what my depression “sounds like”.

i’m too much of a coward to fully commit suicide. it takes too long to prepare for, it hurts, and it’s scary. not to mention its a one-way pass to hell. that’s why i haven’t killed myself. so instead, i’m going to work my way around it. the drugs and alcohol are keeping me on a slow and steady decline, and one of these days a little will end up being too much and i’ll overdose and die. this is all i want at the moment. when i die, i want everything that i own to be given to my mother directly. i don’t care what happens to my things or my money as long as my family gets it. when i die, tell my best friends Keith and Jackson that i love them very much, and i’m sorry i wasn’t a better friend to them. if you two ever get the chance to read this personally, i just want you both to know you guys meant everything to me the whole time, even if i don’t mean anything to y’all. when i die, tell my siblings to be the opposite of me. don’t be a failure, like your brother is. don’t fall into addiction in any form, and don’t let THINGS control your life or how you feel about it. don’t let STUFF tell you how much you are valued, because stuff means nothing compared to your heart. i love you all very much, all my sisters and both of my brothers. as for the rest of my family, i love you all more than words can say, and i hope you all know that whatever happens to me after tonight was already supposed to happen. if i do anything to myself at all just know i am doing it for the best. i don’t want anyone to feel sad about my passing. please don’t have a funeral procession for me, i just want to be forgotten forever. i know how unrealistic that sounds, but whatever. i don’t know if this is going to be the last thing i ever say to anyone, so i am writing my all down on this post. Lord knows i want to die more than anything right now.

ultimately i just want to die to be in heaven with my Lord. i am very faithful to my relationship with God and i know that i don’t deserve any of the fruits of living freely on earth. i have disappointed God and i make Him angrier at me every day. i have disappointed all of my friends and family, and i’ve made a fool of myself my entire life just trying to be normal. today i accept my problems and i only plan on handling them by any means necessary.

i am not going to end my life tonight, or tomorrow. i don’t know whether i will or i won’t. assuming anyone cares about what happens to me, i don’t want anyone to feel bad or think that my safety is at risk. i am fine. i am only doing what i know to do, and i apologize.

[hxlyhead-harpies]

Ivy (R.L.)

Evermore

Pairing: Remus Lupin x Reader

Summary: The reader is trapped in a loveless and neglectful arranged marriage. She hires her old school crush, Remus Lupin, to tutor her son

Warnings: Alcohol, mentions of abuse, the reader is a mother, cheating, angst

Word Count: 4.9k

A/n: i am actually so so proud of this so um i hope you like it

Your life was nothing but a monotonous cycle of sameness, every day identical to the one before. Every day you awoke to a cold and empty bed, your silk sheets barren of who should be a loving husband. And every day you sat by your bay window with a cup of tea, leaving it unsipped until it became cold. You watched your son stumble around the manor, his tiny legs still clumsy like a newborn foal. You painted or read to bide your time, hoping to make the long hours go faster, but they never did. Nearly six years of this routine but no part of you longed to break free from it. 

You had been bred for this life since you had sprung into existence. You came from a prominent pureblood family and you were taught your place early on. You were to be silent and polite and you must not speak unless spoken to. It didn’t matter your intelligence or wit, you were nothing but a commodity with good posture and acceptable table manners. You were a pawn in your father’s chess game, something to be used for business deals and backdoor dealings. Your existence was for the purpose of your father’s advancement in pureblood society and nothing more. 

For a while you had wanted more, to be free and to have agency and choice. Back when you were in school you were exposed to ideas beyond blood supremacy and submission. You let yourself dream of a life away from your family and their ideals, where you could have your own free thought and you could love whom you chose, but the fantasy didn’t last much longer than your third year. 

When you had dared to voice your opinions one day during the summer holiday you were swiftly met with the back of your father’s hand. Your life quickly began to consist of long sleeve jumpers to conceal bruises and nights where your supper was withheld. You quickly resigned to the life you had always been told you’d have. 

You thought about running away and starting a new life away from the toxicity that oozed from the windows of your childhood home. But you were often reminded of what happened to daughters who disobeyed; you’d be subjected to a life of destitution.

So you did as you were told, obliging to the word of your father and keeping your head down. Of course, you still held your own ideas close to your heart; you didn’t believe in the sickening rhetoric that was blood supremacy, but you couldn’t tell anyone that for the sake of your safety. 

You were seventeen when you had gotten betrothed to Humphrey. It was your seventh year at Hogwarts and you had gotten a letter in mid-march informing you of your own engagement. He was your father’s business partner and eleven years your senior. He was cold and serious. Something about the way he had a perpetually raised brow and a scowl made your stomach drop. You had cried yourself to sleep that night, any remnants of your fantasy finally shattering in the clutches of your fiance. 

And now here you sat, six years later, your cup of tea cooling in your hands as your son asked questions you didn’t know the answer to. Every young wizard went through this phase, wondering why the lights would flicker when they were angry or why sometimes they could do things that they didn’t understand. Your son knew that he was a wizard, but his young mind couldn’t quite grasp what that meant. When you were his age, you had a governess who explained these things to you as well as taught you other things like basic arithmetic and history. You desperately wished that you could find someone, maybe a tutor, who could teach your son. 

Your child, Montgomery, was inquisitive and wild. He was named after his great uncle but detested the name, preferring to be playfully called Monty instead. He was born to be the picture of a perfect pureblood son, but he was wild and untamed no matter how hard you tried. You were afraid of how his father would treat him as he grew, and you were desperate to temper him.

That night at dinner you sat at the head of the table, Monty next to you, and your husband at the other end. It often felt as if there was an impossible distance between the two of you, a distance that could never be crossed. You rarely truly felt like his wife, usually only feeling like an employee in your own home. You poked at your meal for a while, chiding your son to eat his vegetables. In the darkness that shrouded your home, Monty was your only source of light. If you were to go on like this it would be for him. You took a deep breath, preparing yourself to raise the question. 

“Would it be alright if we hired a tutor for Monty?” you asked, “I had one when I was his age and I just think that it would be the proper thing to do.” Humphrey sighed and placed down his spoon, it clanking harshly against the rim of his bowl.

“Montgomery,” he corrected harshly. You swallowed thickly and nodded, avoiding his gaze. “And I suppose it would be a good idea,” he said, “We want him to be top of his class when he arrives at Hogwarts.” You nodded quickly, knowing that agreeing with him was the fastest way to get what you wanted. Humphrey thought for a moment before resuming his dinner. 

“You can pick out his tutor, just inform me when his lessons have started,” he said before going back to ignoring your presence. A sense of pride filled you at his words; it was rare you ever had a say in any of the decisions made around the house and the prospect of having a voice sent a shock of happiness down your spine. This single act of agency was not real freedom, but you would revel in pretending that it was. 

You sifted through ads in the Prophet and inquired with other mothers. You were hesitant to call them your friends as they held the same ideals as your husband, but they were the women you’d be forced to have tea with during business meetings. None of the names that came up seemed quite right. As a last resort, you sent an owl to your old professor, Professor McGonagall. She had been your favorite teacher back at school and you still kept in touch occasionally. When you were a teenager McGonagall tried relentlessly to help you see your potential, but you just brushed her off, knowing that you’d never be allowed to have a career once you were married. 

McGonagall’s response was swift, an owl knocking on the library window only a few hours later. 

The letter opened with her usual greeting, her insistence that you call her Minerva and not Professor. She offered up a name that made you pause. 

Remus Lupin. You could understand why she would suggest this name. He had been top of your class in school and a prefect. He had even tutored you once and had proven himself to be quite the teacher. You knew he was more than capable but his name still caused you to pause.

You had been absolutely infatuated with Remus when you were an awkward sixteen year old. He was handsome and smart and he was nothing short of gentle when he spent late nights in the library trying to teach you astronomy. Something about his hazel eyes and boyish smile had made your heart pound in your ears and your palms sweaty. But you never let yourself dwell on your feelings too much; you knew you’d be married shortly after you graduated and your father would not take too kindly to you dating anyone, especially a halfblood. So you had pushed the feelings aside and forced yourself to forget. Yet here you were, years later, and the shape of his name still caused butterflies to erupt in your stomach. 

You wanted so desperately to write back to Minerva and ask for his address, to send him a letter requesting his services, and to let him into your home. But you were afraid of what would happen if you did. You had spent so long trying to push away the stirrings in the back of your mind and ignore any inkling of restlessness. You feared that welcoming this man into your house would only ignite these feelings to a point where you couldn’t avoid them anymore.

But still, Monty needed a tutor and you knew that Remus Lupin was a damn good one. You sent an owl to Minerva asking how to contact him. 

The first day the Remus was meant to come to your house you were a ball of nerves. Monty was excited, yearning to learn and to meet this new person. But you were anxious about seeing him after all these years. You couldn’t be sure that he even remembered you. His time tutoring you had been brief, though you held that short time together close to your heart. 

You found yourself putting on your favorite clothes, feeling desperate to put up a good front, hoping the clothes would mask your unhappiness. The cream shirt and long navy shirt helped you play the role of a doting wife well, just old fashioned enough to make most believe that you agreed with this life. You tied back your hair with a silk ribbon before heading down to the front hall. You had nothing better to do than wait for him.

A heavy knock finally filled the empty halls of your home signaling you to his arrival. You called out for Monty before you walked to the door and opened it gently. 

You shyly looked around the edge of the door, meeting his eyes. It took everything in you to suppress some sort of physical reaction as you took in his appearance. The years had surely treated him well. His hair was longer now, curlier too, and his freckled skin adorned a few new scars. It was snowing lightly outside and snowflakes sat in his bronze curls. But his hazel eyes still shone at you warmly, and his small smile was familiar and dimpled. He looked older of course, slightly taller and with broader shoulders. He was wearing a beige shirt and a dark tie, a satchel slung over his shoulder, and a stack of books under his arm. 

You opened the door wider to allow him inside. “Hello, Mr. Lupin, I’m so glad you could make it,” you said softly, sticking out your hand. He quirked up an eyebrow and adjusted the books before reaching out his hand. His hands were cold and calloused as he placed his hand in yours, the contact sending a wave of warmth through your body. 

“You can call me Remus,” he said with an amused smile, “No need for the formality, it’s not like we haven’t met before.” You laughed softly at his comment, reluctantly pulling your hand away. 

“Of course, I wasn’t sure if you remembered,” you admitted, “May I take your coat?” Remus chuckled before shrugging off his jacket and handing it to you. 

“How could I forget, charms was it?” he asked. You flushed at his comment but hid it by turning to place his coat in the closet on your right. 

“Astronomy,” you corrected. He hummed affirmatively before rocking back and forth on his heels. You composed yourself quickly before you turned back to him. “Let me show you the library,” you said finally. 

The two of you walked down the hall in silence as you made your way to the room you spent most of your time in. You heard him gasp as you pushed open the mahogany doors. The room was magnificent; books lining every wall from floor to ceiling. Your precious bay window let in natural light and the plush carpet muddled your steps as you walked in. There was a table by the window which you had designated for Remus’s lessons. You had placed some books, quills and parchment, and a globe on the surface. 

Remus’s mouth was wide as he took in the room. You shuffled awkwardly towards the table and his eyes finally landed on it. 

“I wasn’t sure what you needed so I just found a few things,” you said, gesturing to the makeshift desk. He gave you that lopsided smile again and your stomach erupted with butterflies. 

“It’s perfect, thank you,” he said. You felt yourself smile widely as you wrung your hands. Since you had gotten married it was rare that you received a compliment. Even as small and insignificant as his words were, you felt the warm caress of approval anyway.

Before you could say anything else Monty tumbled into the room. His shirt was rumpled and messy, half of it untucked. His hair was wild and his cheeks were red. It was clear that he had gotten into some sort of mischief before heading to the library. He barreled towards you and hugged your legs. 

“Hello dear,” you said affectionately, unable to contain the smile on your face as you smoothed down his hair. 

“Mum you will not believe what I found in the garden,” he said breathily, a gleam in his eye. You raised your eyebrows at him.

“You’ll have to tell me later, Mr. Lupin is here,” you said, nodding towards the man. Monty turned towards his tutor and smiled shyly, hiding behind your legs slightly. It was rare that he met new people as he spent most of his days cooped up at home. Remus didn’t seem phased by his shyness, only stepping closer and bending down slightly.

“Hi, Montgomery is it?” he asked softly, offering his hand for Monty to shake. He shook his head furiously before putting his tiny hand in Remus’s.

“My name is Monty,” he said proudly, giving Remus a firm handshake. Remus smiled brilliantly. 

“Okay Monty, you can call me Remus,” he replied. Monty slowly detached himself from your legs, heading towards the table with Remus. He smiled as he hopped up on his chair and spun the globe. You smiled as you watched them interact, Remus ever so gentle and warm. 

“Do you mind if I stay?” you asked suddenly. Remus looked up with raised eyebrows. “I’ll be quiet,” you promised, “I’ll just be reading.” You gestured towards the spot where you usually read. Remus smiled and nodded. You made yourself comfortable and opened your book. But you couldn’t quite focus on the words, your attention captivated only by Remus. 

That night you laid awake next to Humphrey, unable to sleep. Your mind was busy replaying every moment that Remus had been in your house. How enthusiastic he was about teaching and how tenderly he’d answer Monty’s questions. You thought of how he’d look over Monty’s head and give you a goofy smile when Monty would innocently ask a funny question and how he gave you a lingering handshake when he had left. 

Watching Remus teach became how you passed your hours away. You finally indulged yourself and wondered what it would be like if he felt the same as you. You often found yourself imagining a life where you ran away together, stealing Monty away from the virulent environment of your life. You imagined that you’d move to the city, somewhere near the friends he spoke of so fondly, or away to the countryside in a small cottage. Of course, the fantasy was dashed every time he left and you were once again left in your solitude, waiting for your husband to come home and ignore you as usual. You grieved for the relationship that could never be and the life you could never have.

You felt trapped, a feeling you had been trying to suppress for years. But you were married, a binding and final contract, so there was nothing for you to do. It was as if you were a Rapunzel, waiting in her tower. Only your prince never came to save you. Instead, he was your captor and key keeper. 

Your favorite part of your day soon became the stolen minutes before lessons began and the fleeting seconds after they ended. That was when you could be alone with Remus, learning more about him through menial questions in the name of small talk. He was just as sarcastic and full of wit as you remembered, though there was a certain level of softness that hadn’t been present before. 

Every day, as he left you, shook hands, a task that was most likely no longer necessary, but you loved the feeling of your hand in his. Every time your palms touched you wished that he was taking your hand because he wanted to, not just as a formality. 

Remus’s mere existence consumed you, leaving you yearning for every inch of his mind and soul. Your thoughts were full of his smile and his beautiful eyes. You dreamed of running your hands through his hair and resting your head on his chest. You felt yourself falling in love with him slowly and it terrified you. But there was nothing you could do to stop it. It was as if he had planted himself in your mind, the vines of his ivy covering you completely, overrunning your mind, body, and soul. 

About a month into his teaching you arranged a meeting to discuss Monty’s progress. Remus had readily agreed and he appeared at your doorstep promptly. Humphrey was supposed to attend the meeting but he had been pulled away on business. Or at least that was what he told you. Often times when he was away for work he’d come home smelling of another woman. 

You sat in your husband’s office, just you and Remus. The lighting was dim and your breath was quickly becoming bated because suddenly, you weren’t so sure if you had been imagining the tension between the two of you. He fidgeted in the seat across from you, staring at you with those alluring hazel eyes. They were the type of hazel right between green and brown, the perfect sweet spot that made them appear almost yellow. You looked away quickly and cleared your throat. 

“So how is Monty doing?” you asked, placing your hands neatly in your lap. Remus smiled and ran a hand through his hair.

“He’s doing wonderful,” Remus said proudly, “He’s quite inquisitive. He wants to know everything about everything.” You let out a breathy laugh and nodded.

“Yes, he used to bombard me with questions before you started teaching him,” you admitted, “I couldn’t answer half of them.” Remus laughed this time and shifted in his seat, leaning slightly further over the desk.

“I’m sure you had no problem answering. I was honestly surprised when you sent me the letter, I would have assumed that you were teaching him yourself,” he said, “You were always so smart back in school.” You flushed and shook your head. 

“Do you not remember how you had to save me from failing astronomy,” you answered teasingly, the banter between you flowing easily. Remus pulled back and raised an eyebrow at you. 

“If I remember correctly, it never seemed like you needed much help,” he said. You felt your face heat up. In all honesty, you hadn’t needed help with astronomy. You had just wanted to be close to Remus and that was the only way you had known how. 

“No, I needed the help,” you chided, “You just happened to be an excellent teacher.” Remus met your praise with that boyish smile you had fallen for. The two of you fell into easy conversation after that, forgetting your purpose for the meeting in the first place. You knew that you were entering dangerous territory but you couldn’t find it in yourself to care.

That night as he left you walked him to the door. 

“Thank you for meeting with me,” you said softly, a hint of a joke behind your eyes. Remus nodded with a smile, rubbing the back of his neck. 

“Of course,” he said softly, “Goodnight.” His eyes were rounded and earnest, sending the beating of your heart into overdrive. As he turned to leave you found yourself grabbing his sleeve and turning him around. You were unsure of what your intention was but suddenly he was standing so close, his eyes roaming your face and your breath mixing with his. The two of you stood like that for a moment, staring at each other. Finally, you pulled back slightly, diffusing the tension.

“Goodnight,” you whispered back, your voice slightly hoarse. Remus swallowed thickly, before nodding and leaving quickly. 

The next time he came over for a session the two of you acted as if nothing happened. You hoped that this was because you were under the watchful eye of your husband and not because he didn’t return your affections. You worried the entire time that you observed the lesson, chewing at the inside of your cheek. He didn’t even spare you a glance the entire lesson.

Once he and Monty were done you walked him to the door, as usual, dread settling in your stomach. You worried that you had ruined everything. But when you reached the door and slipped your hand in his for your usual handshake, he surprised you by lifting your hand up and pressing a kiss to the back of it. 

Your life soon became waiting for stolen moments with Remus. Tentatively tangling fingers in a hallway before Monty rumbled down the stairs. There was so much you learned about him, but you could tell there was something he was holding back. There was an ever-present sadness in his eyes that made your heart break. He seemed cursed, as if there was something dark lurking underneath the surface. But he never shared too much with you. 

You scheduled your next meeting several weeks later and you waited for it impatiently, longing for moments alone with the man whom you loved. But unfortunately, luck was not on your side. Humphrey, who was supposed to be busy, had decided to join you. So he sat in the big chair while you stood behind him, your head down and your hands clasped behind your back. 

Remus sat uncomfortably in his chair, sneaking glances at you when your husband wasn’t looking. You were aware of how submissive and deferential you must have looked. You had never wanted Remus to see you like this, to see how truly trapped you were. You were afraid he’d pull away and realize that loving you was futile as you had no way to escape the shackles of your marriage. You longed to look into those hazel eyes and pretend that everything would be alright. But instead, your husband placed a rough hand on your arm and told you that it was time for the men to talk. 

You sat in the library and worried, afraid that Humphrey had somehow found out and was trying to confront Remus. But truly, what was there to find out? All there had been were lingering gazes and grazing touches of hands. You hadn’t dared to kiss him or even make it known how you felt. 

But when the meeting was over you watched Humphrey give Remus a cordial handshake and thank him for his services. Remus glanced at you for a split second, but his gaze quickly moved past you as if you weren’t even there. 

You feared that everything had been ruined. That he’d realize that you were too broken and too chained to be loved. But the next moment you had alone with him, he pulled you into a bone-crushing hug, the most contact the two of you had ever shared.

“He can’t treat you like that,” he murmured into your hair. You let out a shaky breath, holding back tears, and pressing a soft kiss to his shoulder. 

“He’s my husband, that’s how it’s supposed to be,” you replied. Remus pulled back and cupped your face. 

“No, it’s not. You deserve to be loved, not manhandled,” he said, his voice filled with a soft determination. You smiled sadly at him. 

“That’s how it’s supposed to be for women like me,” you said softly. Remus leaned forward and pressed his forehead against yours.

“He’s not worthy of you,” he whispered. You closed your eyes and sighed. 

“I don’t have a choice. I never did,” you murmured. 

Tentatively, Remus pressed his lips against yours. The kiss started out soft, his chapped lips moving gently against yours. Your mind was spinning and your legs went weak, this moment feeling like a dream. The way his hand was in your hair, cradling your head, and the way your body was flushed against his felt like something out of a fantasy. But soon, the kiss became more heated and more desperate, Remus’s lips pressed harshly against your mouth. When he finally pulled away you were breathless and dizzy, wishing that you could grab him by the collar and pull him back down. 

“You always have a choice,” he said, his voice gravelly as he whispered in your ear. And with that, he detached himself from your embrace and entered the library. 

As winter slowly turned to spring you spent every waking moment thinking of Remus and how you wished you could be with him instead. Your secret meetings became more frequent, filled with desperate kisses and unspoken confessions. The words often burned at the back of your throat, begging to escape and profess your feelings. You desperately wanted to tell him that you were irrevocably in love with him and you longed to know if he felt the same. But you knew that once those words spilled from your lips you could never take them back and things could never stay the same. But suddenly, you wished that things would finally change. 

You were often kept up at night with the fear that Humphrey would find out. That he’d catch a quick kiss in a darkened hallway or finally notice how Remus’s eyes lingered on you. You knew that if he found out you’d be on the receiving end of some unspeakable punishment. But you feared not only for your safety but the safety of your love as well. Humphrey was a scary man when he was angry, and you dreaded what your husband would do to Remus. 

On a brisk spring night, you sat in the study with Remus, an open bottle of wine on the desk. Humphrey was away on business so you took it upon yourself to schedule another “meeting” with Remus. He now sat at the desk and you stood between his legs, a bright smile stretched across your face. You sipped from your glass, reveling in the taste. It was an expensive bottle that Humphrey had imported from France and you knew that you weren’t supposed to drink it. 

Remus’s hand was settled on your hip as you talked, your faces so close that your lips almost touched as you spoke. You longed for moments like these, where you could bask in his affections unashamedly, without fearing getting caught. 

He brushed a stray hand of hair from your face and you suddenly became more somber, desperately staring into his eyes, your lip trembling slightly. His eyes furrowed as he sensed your mood change. 

“What’s wrong?” he asked softly. 

“Take me away from this place,” you pleaded, “Please.” Remus let out a trembling breath, his expression falling into one similar to yours. 

“You know that I can’t,” he whispered. You shook your head frantically, clutching the front of his shirt in your fists. 

“Yes, you can,” you said, “You, me, and Monty, we can all run away together.” Remus shook his head and looked away.

”No, we can’t,” he breathed. You felt tears pool in your eyes as you tried to convince him.

“Yes, we can! Monty adores you and I-” you took a deep breath, “and I love you.” You looked at him defiantly and unflinching, never surer of any statement in your life. Remus froze and stared at you, his mouth agape. 

“You don’t love me, you can’t,” he replied. 

“I do Remus,” you said softly, your grip on his clothes loosening. 

“You can’t. I’m poor and I’m-” he paused, seemingly trying to gather his words. “I’m ill,” he finally settled upon, “I can’t take care of you.” You cupped his cheek and shook your head. 

“I don’t care about any of that,” you whispered, “And you’d take far better care of me than he does. You already do.” Remus sighed before pressing a burning kiss to your lips. 

“When does Humphrey get back?” he asked as he pulled back. 

“Two days,” you answered. Remus closed his eyes, mulling something over. He finally leaned over, kissing your forehead lightly before speaking. 

“Go pack your bags,” he whispered. You smiled at him before turning to leave the room, ready to grab your and Monty’s essentials. But before you could leave he grabbed your sleeve, spinning you around to face him. Your faces were so close you could feel his breath fan across your face. 

“I love you,” he murmured softly. You simply smiled before grabbing your bags and gently waking Monty, preparing to break out of the tower that confined you. Ready to live the life you had always wanted with the man that you loved.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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[the-ghost-king]

love seeing ur tags on my posts it means i get to think 🥰🥰 anyway mostly agree but at least to me nico’s constant need to prove himself is a sign of feeling like he’s not worth other people’s time and effort and he has to MAKE himself worth it. he does all he can in the hopes that people will notice him and tell him that he’s good enough because he relies on the approval of people he loves. he thinks love is something conditional for him and that he always has to be earning it because he doesn’t have enough worth to have it just granted to him. again this is more my own interpretation of his character and possibly a bit of projection

(Post)

I will not fail to acknowledge that I might also be projecting somewhat onto Nico, what is media but self reflection? I think there's a couple ways you can see Nico that are canonically "correct"

What I personally think happened with Nico is that he was aware he was worth more than the treatment he was receiving, but because so much rejection occurred he eventually just assumed he was the problem. There's things on this I would rewrite now but it holds up okay in what I'm about to try and explain.

The thing about being rejected is that the first time you argue it's the other person. And the second time you'll argue it's still them. If you're still arguing it's other people the third time, maybe but it's thin ice... But eventually you just have to accept that you're at fault.

I think this is something that really describes Nico. He is never able to nestle himself in the comfort of sameness after a certain point. He is not given authority in his own story in the beginning, he is thrust into solitude, he is told he is a monster already and if not then he has no choice but to become one.

And he takes this blame upon himself, believing that it's him who has to prove himself. He doesn't acknowledge that maybe other people have their own biases against him, he says "I have to prove them wrong," and then does his best.

It's important to note that Nico is definitely grappling with Childhood Emotional Neglect, he's in a broken situation- and he recognizes that nobody wants him around, and that he's just more stress for an already stressed group of people, so he just backs down and starts to figure stuff out for himself. We see him accept some help and friendship from The Stolls in TTC but eventually he stops doing this at some point.

His leave from camp and time with Minos is when he is used:

you unknowingly wear your heart on your sleeve and people will see this and take advantage of your trusting nature and unconditional love and they’ll never really love you they’ll just see you as an easy tool to be manipulated and used how they see fit and you won’t recognize that this is a bad thing because you don’t believe you’re worth anything more than this

This is something I would say is very true about this time period of Nico's life. Minos emotionally exploits Nico, emotional neglect and abuse (possibly physical abuse, who knows) are defining characteristics of their interactions. Nico talks about how Minos will just randomly leave him for extremely long periods with no assistance, and about how when he's around he's always telling Nico to try harder, to do better, do more. Note the time he tells Nico "you have no power over me", he's definitely holding things over Nico's head. I don't think it's wrong to assume comfort is a part of that, Nico is alone all the time at this point, and I'm sure he's starved for touch, and support, and connection- and he will take whatever he can get whether or not it is good or right.

At first he doesn't do anything against this, and it might be because he was so starved for attention that he was willing to endure abuse to receive somewhat a consistent form of it. I also think there's some evidence that points to the idea Nico was getting something from Minos, training and similar stuff, it's possible he was willing to form and upkeep a toxic relationship with him in order to gain experience.

However, I do disagree with "and you won’t recognize that this is a bad thing because you don’t believe you’re worth anything more than this" because Nico does realize eventually that his situation isn't sustainable and that he has to do something- so he takes his narrative back into his own hands:

“Minos laughed. "You have no power over me. I am the god of spirits! The ghost king!" "No." Nico drew his sword. "I am.” (X)

So Nico, if he ever thought he was worth the treatment of being used for someone elses personal gain, he definitely overcomes some of it here, if not all of it. Nico is manipulated and used for Minos's personal gain, but he recognizes that it's not sustainable and makes a stand for himself. And this is the first time in the series where Nico truly is able to take control of his own narrative, everything before this moment is Nico being forced, or Nico with something looming over him, Nico crowning himself is him claiming his story.

So let's consider Hades in all of this, I don't think Hades manipulated Nico to the extent Minos did- but nonetheless, he did manipulate and abuse him, and this hurt Nico more than when Minos did it. Again, in the situation with Hades this is also true, "you unknowingly wear your heart on your sleeve and people will see this and take advantage of your trusting nature and unconditional love and they’ll never really love you they’ll just see you as an easy tool to be manipulated and used how they see fit and you won’t recognize that this is a bad thing". By the time Nico and Hades truly start interacting, we see that Nico's heart hasn't been fully removed from his sleeve, but it may have been lightened.

Here's the thing about the way Nico approached Hades, it's not naïve to trust family. The text in multiple places implies that Hades was around for at least a handful of years when Nico was a kid, it's not unlikely that Nico may have taken naps on his shoulder, held his hand to cross the street, maybe called him "Papa", "Dad", or "Tata" (Italian, English, old Greek). It makes sense that Nico goes to him, what doesn't make sense to Nico at first is that Hades would manipulate him. Unlike many of the other demigods, Nico knows he was a choice, and that at some point he was something wanted, so he expects some level of okay treatment from Hades. Hades loved his mother, and Hades if not wanting of Nico would have wanted Maria's wishes fulfilled, and Nico probably remembers Hades treating him warmly- or at least not harshly. The way Nico went to Hades makes sense, he wasn't expecting open arms surely, but he also wasn't expecting abuse.

Hades emotionally exploits Nico by using information about Maria, what would a little boy want more than the safety of his mother? He's so starved for human contact, who ever held him more than his mother? Who ever loved him more than her? Once Nico delivers Percy to Hades, his father crushes him, not only by harming Percy but by exploiting Nico's trust through Nico's mother- one of the things he's most desperate for.

We see Nico's heart come off his sleeve at this point, maybe not fully, but enough to where a stranger couldn't recognize it at first glance, and in a way where he has the means to hide it from most.

Except we don't see much of this, because the series is narrated by Percy- and Nico can't hide his heart from Percy.

Almost everything Nico does, everything he tries to do, is for Percy. Nico is so desperate for contact that he is pliant, but in Percy's hands Nico actually wants that contact, he's not interested in imitations of love or substitutes- he's looking for the real thing.

And Mr. Oblivious does-Annabeth-like-me Jackson isn't in any headspace to realize that a boy might like him, let alone Nico. This concern that Nico will join Luke, isn't entirely because Percy is misreading signals, but it's definitely part of it. Nico likes Percy so much that at one point he is willing to go to Tartarus if not entirely for him, then partially for him.

If Percy had realized, and rejected Nico- maybe he would have joined Luke, or at least he definitely would have been more likely to. The perception of Nico we get in PJO from Percy is unreliable, because Percy looks at Nico through the lenses of a concerned older brother, and Percy feels guilty in some way for the situation Nico is in. This gives not only a skewed, but slightly falsified narrative of who Nico is.

The original post of mine I linked, although yes, I would like to rewrite aspects of it now it holds up in the sense that Nico is always trying to prove himself, and this is a bit different than being a puppet. Nico is so starved that it is present in everything, @/arabnico gets it right:

nico’s longing is just so raw it consumes him whole and he cannot hide it at all because it reflects in absolutely everything he does and is nico’s just the means of the way for them and he settles for being it because he doesn’t think he can be much better or even deserves to it is sometting so twisted because nico has this innate utalitarian desire to be useful and to do something and to do the right thing but in the game of things he’s reduced to that puppet in the hands of fate and deities millennia older than him that see a wounded wandering soul doomed to be forever alone by a destiny so cruel it keeps him on his knees

Nico, in PJO especially, has little control over his own narrative. His mother is killed in punishment for his father's "wrongs", Nico is forced to endure this. Bianca grows tired of caring for Nico and leaves him behind, this is not Nico's fault but Nico is forced to endure the consequences of her actions. Bianca's fate is decided on a quest Nico isn't even able to go on, he is forced to endure the results. Nico then breaks the cycle, declaring himself The Ghost King, and dethroning Minos. Nico is forced to endure Hades's manipulation only because he did not see it coming, this wasn't an aspect in which Nico didn't have his narrative (he had already taken ownership of his narrative) but a blind spot in his rational.

The place where we vary is why Nico behaves this way, we can agree that it's because he's starving for human connection- but you believe it's because he has no confidence he is willing to submit himself, while I see his submission as an act of desperation.

Personally, I think to argue that Nico is like this as a result of lack of confidence does a disservice to his narrative (obviously it's fine to view him however you wish, and I wish you all the fun in doing so!). To boil this down to starvation and lack of confidence removes some level of Nico's autonomy in his own life, but also strips him of one of his strongest characteristics- those qualities of him which are like Orpheus.

Nico willing to go to the ends of the earth for love is not a weakness but a strength, his ability to carry on beyond the point in which he needs a rest is not a weakness but a sign of strength. His ability to go to the ends of the earth to right wrongs, and to show his love:

"... Cupid struck, slapping Nico sideways into a granite pedestal. Love is no game! It is no flowery softness! It is hard work- a quest that never ends. It demands everything from you- especially the truth. Only then does it yield rewards."

Cupid is explaining Nico's idea of love in this scene, we see Jason say he prefers Piper's idea of love- but Nico only knows love in the way cupid describes, working desperately for a few moments with Bianca, working just to hear any scrap of information about his mother, always trying to prove himself to Percy- to overcome the way he feels about Percy (and boys in general).

Nico has only known love as something you walk to the ends of the Earth for, but he never stops fighting to be loved and acknowledged. Lesser men would give up and lay down, accept they are unworthy, but Nico keeps pushing to be acknowledged and accepted- to be recognized and loved without having to walk to the end of the Earth, but Nico knows he has to walk to that edge and face it before unconditional love will come to him.

To imply that Nico seeks love the way he does because he's unconfident in his ability to receive love ignores the idea that he's had his life forced into this position because of the fates. It loses acknowledgment to the strength it takes to pick yourself up and walk to the end of the Earth time and time again, because if he was unconfident then he would eventually lay down and accept he shouldn't be loved ever again.

I don't think confidence doesn't play into this at all though, it definitely has some impact on Nico, he does view himself as inherently less (he is overly self sacrificial- think Tartarus :/), and he does try to remove himself from others:

You yourself said: you blame yourself for the way people have hurt you, taken advantage of you, and abandoned you. they exploit your love and your naïveté time and time again. you tell yourself, surely, there must be something wrong with you. because—you are convinced—that people are good. “if they hurt me, it is because i am flawed. it is because i am weak. people will always hurt me—even people i love. it’s an inevitable truth for me.” (X)

And this connects to what I said: "The thing about being rejected is that the first time you argue it's the other person. And the second time you'll argue it's still them. If you're still arguing it's other people the third time, maybe but it's thin ice... But eventually you just have to accept that you're at fault."

I do think there's a reason Nico makes himself so "utilitarian", because he hasn't been handed unconditional love since Bianca. But again we disagree on the why, I see Nico's behavior in his utilitarian example of love as caring, the way more people should be in love. Too many people see love as something given without restraint, and yeah, love should be unconditional but in order for love to be unconditional you have to do the work to lay good foundation. To be utilitarian in loving is not an act of weakness, or a symbol of lack of confidence, it is a showcase of more care in love than most have to offer. We care for things, and place value on them determined by how much love and care goes into those things.

I also don't see Nico's self blaming for what happened as flawed, it's logical in his situation, and a common result of CEN. This self blame shows care and kindness, and this coincides with Nico's arcs, "If I am bad, how do I improve? If I have no choice but to be evil, how do I still be good?". Nico is always fighting not to be recognized for good or bad, but to be recognized for what he is.

Trust is not naivety either, the only reason Nico is regarded as naïve is because of the extreme circumstances of his life. People shouldn't have to expect abuse from people who are supposed to love them, people should have to accept abuse in order to receive love. If Nico's life had turned out different, his naivety wouldn't be viewed as a weakness but a strength- a kindness.

We're not actually viewing Nico all that different, there's this space where his character blurs together, and it becomes an individual duty to determine at what point a flaw becomes a strength, and a strength a flaw. Nico's stubbornness is a flaw if we're thinking about grudges, but it's a strength in his work ethic. Nico's ability to stand on his own is a strength in terms of questing, but it's a flaw when it prevents him from experiencing love in fullness.

[smhalltheurlsaretaken]

Guys, I wanna gush about Yondu and Peter because fuck it. Do you know how long it’s been since Guardians of the Galaxy Vol.2? Four years. Do you know what that movie managed to do? It managed to w r e c k me, and I’m still not over it four years after the fact. I’m not into the MCU anymore, but some of the stories an characters have stayed with me and I still revisit them often because of how beautiful they were. 

Tony Stark will always have a big place in my heart. Thor will always give me warm fuzzy feels. But Peter and Yondu? FUCK ME. 

They’re not my favorite characters - or at least, they’re not meant to be. I barely remember the first GotG and I’ve watched it like three times, but it just doesn’t stick. I wasn’t that into the Guardians subplot in Infinity War. But GotG Vol.2..... It’s something special. 

Yondu and Peter have one of the best, most touching, most complex, most interesting relationships of the whole MCU, and that’s what makes it stick out. Tumblr often loves for relationships to be simple. You’ve got the abusers and the victims, and you should cut abusers out of your life forever and be better for it. Past trauma doesn’t justify projecting it onto your family members, hurting a child can never be forgiven, etc, etc.

And Yondu and Peter’s relationship yeets that simplistic worldview out of the viewport, and my heart with it. Yondu is a piece of trash, sure, 100% true. Yondu beat Peter up. Kidnapped him. Scarred him for life. Made him grow up in the worst environment possible and hurt him in the hopes to toughen him up so he’d survive. Yondu hurt Peter horribly because he was perpetrating a cycle of abuse and neglect he didn’t have the tools to break - we’re talking about a man raised and used as a battle slave from infancy to adulthood - and Stakar was too late to balance that out with his mentorship. So Yondu was messed up, and while he learned to love Peter he didn’t have the means to express it meaningfully, and so he messed Peter up.

Yondu wasn’t what Peter needed, Yondu did abuse Peter, and Peter was right to get away from the Ravagers and to find healing and love and family elsewhere. But it wasn’t the end of the story. And in real life too, it doesn’t need to be the end of the story.

Because Yondu is and has always been aware that he was a terrible parent, and a terrible person, and that Peter is in fact better off without him. And Yondu is sorry, and he wants to make things right while also being painfully aware that he doesn’t deserve to. (And he doesn’t. Nobody ‘deserves’ the forgiveness of the people they’ve hurt.) But he still tries to protect Peter. And he still dies for Peter, which is the single greatest act of love. And even more than that - he goofs around with Peter. He makes himself soft for him - the one unforgiveable sin in the eyes of his crew, the thing that provoked a mutiny and almost got him killed. He loves Peter so much that he can’t help trying to do better by him, even when he doesn’t want to. 

And so they throw insults at each other and they bicker relentlessly, but Peter desperately wants Yondu’s approval, and Yondu desperately want Peter to like him. Peter gets childishly defensive about being shit at handling his Celestial powers (”I made a ball.” “A ball?!” “It was all I could think of!”), and Yondu gets stupidly proud to be compared to someone Peter thinks is cool, and Peter beats Ego’s ass because of Yondu’s advice - and his love for his new family and for Yondu. 

They want the other to want them. And they want to make it work.

And so you don’t get to say “Yondu was toxic and awful and didn’t deserve to ever talk to Peter again!!!!!!!!” any more than “he loved his kid so much, best dad ever <3″ They hurt each other and betrayed each other and stole from each other and tried to kill each other - and they still worked to make sense of the pieces. It’s just a giant mess of feelings and wounds and scars and past hurts and forgiveness and it’s so good.

[sunnysviolin]

currently having so many thoughts about aubrey getting sick of her moms mess one day and packing her bunny into her carrier and just leaving... she drifts about friends houses for a while before basil braves up to ask if she's okay :(( she's all out of energy + too stubborn to go home so she doesn't bother arguing and lets him take her to see polly (sorry me again with aubrey ramblings pls tell me to shush if you dont vibe w it)

Wow....I love this so much so I’m gonna combine it with that ask I got the other day and noodle on this a bit. Hope you don’t mind me taking your idea and running nonnie!!!

This got really long and kind of intense, so I’m putting it under a Read More. There’s also gonna be way more ahead!! This AU has caught me. But y’all Serious warning for emotional child abuse and neglect. Aubrey’s mother is decidedly not a good person, and their relationship is very damaged. Read only if you know you mentally can handle it, and no shame in skipping this. This part of it is heavy.  TW: Child abuse and neglect. TW: Alcoholism TW: Running Away TW: Homelessness

In the end it’s the rain that does it. The rain, the drafts in their weary old house, and the bucket that sits in the corner of her room next to her half broken laundry basket

On the last night Aubrey spends in her mother’s house the rain is coming down in freezing icy sheets. It’s bitterly cold, and she is weary. 

The summer of her 16th year has come and gone, and they are firm into the grip of September. It was a summer that had changed everything in her life. A summer where she found her way back to her chosen family, while becoming more isolated than ever from her real family. She had spent almost every hour out of the house- riding scooters with her gang, reconnecting with Basil, finding her way back into Kel’s loyal heart, letting her walls down around Hero, even discovering a hidden strength within her to forgive Sunny.  

It was the best summer of her life, even beating out the perfect summers spent in her childhood with Mari. In those days Aubrey had been naive. She didn’t know what she had, she just assumed she would always have it. This summer she had seen every experience for what it was- a gift. 

Fall coming had been difficult. Really almost nothing had changed, except it had. 

Hero had gone back to college, promising to visit at every chance he could. Aubrey had pushed down the spike of jaded denial that had risen up inside her at his words, and put her arm around Kel who was misty eyed saying goodbye to his brother. 

Sunny had spent most days in Faraway at either Kel or Basil’s house over the summer, but now he only came on weekends. He had started school again, a new school where no one knew his name or his face. He didn’t say much about it, but he hadn’t stopped going yet, so Aubrey considered it progress.

Kel and Basil had stuck close to her, and she was thankful for it. Aubrey knew now that nothing would ever separate the five of them again, but there was still the irrational fear inside of her that they would all leave her sooner or later. Her gang must’ve seen something too, because they had been awkwardly affectionate in a way that both irritated and comforted her.

But her mother....

Her mother had changed too. 

By sixteen Aubrey knew her mothers rhythms like the back of her hand. She knew the cycles that played out. Her mother would circle through various moods- cleaning, ignoring, depressing, drinking, regretting, promising, and then cleaning again. 

The regularity of it all had numbed her to the terrible conditions of her childhood home, and Aubrey spent most of her time out of the house anyway. (She had never been so grateful for nine hours at school, four hours after school goofing off in a big group, and the usual invitation to dinner with Polly or Kel’s mother. Aubrey usually only went home to sleep these days)

But her mother had added and taken away from her cycle. There was a new cycle now, and it was impossible to deal with. 

Ignoring, Depressing, Drinking, Angry, Regretting. Rinse and Repeat. 

Angry was new. Angry was (terrifying)....Angry was new. 

Aubrey had never tried to disrupt her mother’s cycle before, but Angry was enough to get her to try. She would clean the house top to bottom, putting in an effort she had never put in before to make things nice. She had thrown away bottles, cleaned dishes, cooked food, on and on all in an effort to change what she knew was coming. It still came. Her mother still wailed like a banshee, shrieking and hollering loud enough neighbors had called. 

The calls were the worst part. The low humiliation that sat in her stomach as she assured these people who didn’t really care that everything was fine, all while her mother continued to scream in the background. 

With Angry, Regretting was also different too. Aubrey, never one to take things lying down, screamed back until angry tears burst from her eyes. She would break down and sob in front of her mother, her walls finally ripped apart brick by brick by the woman who was supposed to love her most. 

Then her mom would hold her tight and promise things would be different. Regretting had mixed with Promising, and as much as Aubrey wanted to shove away the confusing affection, she couldn’t bring herself to. 

Screaming at each other was the only time that Aubrey’s mother looked at her. Curled in her mother’s arms weeping was the only time that her mother had a kind word. Aubrey couldn’t resist what she always craved, and some sick twisted part of her even longed for the point where her mother would snap and start yelling, just because she knew the release of emotions was soon to follow. 

That last night in her house was one of those nights. Her mother was yelling, too incoherent for Aubrey to even make out the words, but the tone said everything. Her mother had lost it over the dishes in the sink piling up. Aubrey had done them this morning, yet somehow she came home to a sink full of chipped dirty dishes. Those dishes felt like an ironic symbol of her life. No matter how many times she wiped it away. The dishes would be dirty the second she turned around. 

Aubrey was already in tears, her fists bunched at her sides and her teeth grinding down against each other. Soon enough it would be time for her to start yelling back, and the cycle would go on and on and on. The dishes would never be clean. 

Aubrey didn’t want it to go on. Not even her mother holding her was worth how torn apart her heart was becoming. She fled upstairs, slamming the door to attic and locking it tight. It didn’t matter anyway. By this point of drinking, her mother could barely stand, let alone climb a ladder. 

The rain was slamming against her windows, a steady drip already starting in the bucket in her room. It was freezing cold, and goosebumps rose on her bare arms. Maribelle was sitting in her pen, her nose twitching as she watched her Aubrey. Aubrey brushed at her damp cheeks and picked her bunny up, snuggling the tiny white creature close to her chest. 

Maribelle was too cold. Her mother hadn’t paid the heating bill again. The rain was too loud, and the wind sneaking in wrapped Aubrey in a tight grip. Aubrey sat on the edge of the bed and rocked her bun, trying in vain to warm them both up. A single thought ran through her head over and over

This wasn’t worth it. This wasn’t worth the love she craved from a woman who couldn’t give it. This wasn’t worth her pride at keeping things together. This wasn’t worth trying to fix over and over with no results. 

The rain began to slow to a quieter drizzle. Her mother was silent below. In the cold wet of her tiny attic room, Aubrey decided. 

No. This really just...wasn’t worth it. 

Aubrey slipped onto her knees, keeping Maribelle close as she pulled her backpack towards her and began to empty it out. She kept only her English textbook and her history notes. Everything else she could get a spare of. in her bag went two spare shirts and one pair of jeans. She packed in underwear and socks into the smaller front pouch. Aubrey stood and pulled the false bottom out of her desk drawer, taking the cash and the pack of cigarettes she had pinched off her mom and throwing them in as well. 

Finally there were the pictures. The frame of her photo of her and Kim had to be abandoned, but the actual picture was placed carefully inside her backpack. She had never been more happy to have her tiny carrier for Maribelle. The bunny happily hopped inside and burrowed deep in the soft downy blanket Aubrey put inside for her. 

It was depressingly easy to pack up her important things. Shockingly simple to write a note to her mother (I’m leaving. I’m not coming back. Two short sentences and that was it) It hadn’t even been hard to sneak out. After the hour or so it took to gather the rest of her necessities from the house and steal whatever money was in her mother’s purse, said woman had passed out on the couch in an alcoholic haze. 

Aubrey locked the door and stared at the silver key gleaming in her palm. She had only her backpack, a messenger bag, and her tiny bunny carrier. Her whole life fit into two bags. Aubrey left her key on the doorstep. 

She wouldn’t need it anymore. 

The rain had let up, but a harsh breeze whipped around her as she walked, pushing Aubrey to move faster. She took the sidewalks she had taken since she was little, letting her feet move as her mind went blank. Before she knew it she was standing on another street, one more familiar to her than her own. 

Aubrey spared a long look at Kel’s hosue. The lights were on inside, bathing their front yard in a warm golden glow. She stared at it for a moment, considering, and then the chill became too great. 

Aubrey bypassed Kel’s house and quietly snuck into the backyard of Sunny’s old home. The elderly couple that owned the house now was sure to be asleep. Kel said that they were quiet and almost never noticed anything going on. Perfect. 

Aubrey knew exactly where she was going. It was still standing. Faded and beaten down, probably rickety too, but it would be safe for her and her Belle. 

Besides only four other people even knew this treehouse existed. No one would ever find her here. 

[thebad---catholic]

Why I don’t think Azula should’ve gotten a healing/redemption arc

k so I made this meme a couple weeks ago

and I got a lot (a lot? Like 10 but that’s a lot for me) responses disagreeing with my post, which is fair because there’s really only a tiny subset of fans who fit into the “if you stan villains you’re a bad person” category, and Azula’s character (like most other things in atla) is fairly nuanced. I won’t dive into her personal psychology so much, just why I was satisfied with her arc as a viewer.

Note: I’m only speaking within the context of Atla. I haven’t read any of the comics or seen Lok so for the sake of this lil post those don’t exist.

Not enough time

Plain and simple, Azula didn’t have enough time for any sort of healing or redemption. She would’ve needed at least 2 seasons based on what Zuko went through. Adding more seasons for this purpose would feel kind of pointless. Maybe they should’ve explored this in other media but not within atla as the story works best as a tidy three season bit.

Along this same vein, I’m not viewing the show the same way as I would irl. If we’re being realistic, Azula was a horribly abused mentally ill 14 year old who most definitely should’ve gotten treatment. But this is a cartoon, where standards are a little different, which I’ll talk more about in a minute.

Iroh used to be a bad person/If Zuko changed so could she

This one is more complicated for me, but basically I view it like this. In the show, Iroh and Zuko display goodness before their redemption.

We see this with Zuko especially. He is banished for trying to protect the lives of fire nation soldiers from certain death. Twice he spares the life of his rival Zhao, even after that rival tried to kill him. In season two, he saves appa, risks blowing his cover to light lanterns for Jin, saves a town from mercenaries, and even when he’s robbing, he spares certain people (the pregnant woman for example) and mostly targets the wealthy. Zuko, even at his worst, had hard limits on his morality.

Iroh is more subtle. The most clear example comes from the flashback in “Zuko Alone” where Iroh gifts Zuko a dagger from the earth kingdom that he notes is of superior craftsmanship. This, to me, shows where the start of Iroh’s arc comes from: his appreciation of the other nations. It’s been noted before that Iroh has also mastered all four elements, even though he can only firebend. Redirecting lightning comes from waterbenders- likely learned before Iroh “turned good”. Even as their adversary, Iroh respects the people of Ba Sing Se for their resilience. (This again contrasts Zhao, who was so deranged he murdered the fucking moon just to win.) Finally, the dragons. Iroh is known as the dragon of the west even to people from Ba Sing Se- this means that he spared the lives of the final dragons before Lu Tens death. Like Zuko, Iroh shows mercy even when on the wrong side. Lu Ten’s death breaks Iroh because it forces him to finally come to terms with the fact that the fire nation is built on a lie. Fire nation superiority is a lie, and it’s one he’s known for a long time.

Azula doesn’t display any of these traits. The only time in the entire series where she apologizes is after she insults Ty Lee, and I’d argue it was an act of manipulation, as she quickly uses the apology to receive praise from Ty Lee. The beach episode is the only soft side we ever see to Azula, and all of her interactions can still be interpreted like my example. Was the comment about Ursa thinking she was a monster a slip of her mask or an attempt to “perform” like the others? We know Azula is a liar, so was she lying when she said ursa was right, or that it still hurt? Or both? And, mind you, I do love how this episode explores azula more closely, but I don’t believe being a nuanced villain makes you a redeemable one. Even as a child, Azula is cruel and takes pleasure in hurting Zuko, and animals, and her friends. She’s a master manipulator who makes friends through fear and intimidation. Imo, the only reason she doesn’t actually kill someone is because Avatar was technically a kids show, though that sure as fuck didn’t stop her from threatening multiple peoples lives. There is no action of Azula that signifies an ounce of good in her.

She was abused

1) a tragic backstory isn’t the be all end all of whether or not a character’s redeemable, and 2) So was Zuko. And probably Iroh and Ozai, and probably Azulan. The fire nation royal family is fucked up. Even if Azulan was a “good” father to Ozai and Iroh he was still a dictator who was grooming them to take over.

Having Azula be a puppet in her fathers game was an incredibly mature route for atla to take. Once again, it adds depth with a realistic take for Azula’s villainy. Very rarely are individuals born evil (enter nature v nuture debate here). Some of the worst people to ever exist were victims of abuse and neglect to varying degrees. Once again, though, this doesn’t suddenly render Azula open to redemption. And from a storytelling perspective, there’s parallels between Ozai and Iroh and Azula and Zuko.

Ozai continued the cycle of abuse, Iroh broke free from it, Zuko ended it, and Azula was broken by it. These are all things that happen in real life.

She’s 14

Oddly enough this is the argument that baffles me the most. I know I just said a whole lot about real life vs fiction, but I’m gonna pull the fiction card on this one. I can suspend belief with these characters and their ages. I don’t think any 12 year old could function after waking up from a coma and finding out his entire people were slaughtered and that he only had like, six months to save the world, regardless of his upbringing and power set. I also don’t think any 14 year old could lead a trio to infiltrate a city state, outsmart the shadow leader of said city state, and manipulate and entire little army for her favor.

There’s just a point where you have to suspend belief. The characters of avatar are fantastic, but are not realistic portrayals of people in their age group. Azula could be 14 as easily as she could be 25 and nothing about the narrative would change. The same is true for the rest of the main characters- even Aang, as youthful and fun loving as he is, also has more emotional maturity than anyone in the gaang, and more than most adults i know. If you want a realistic example of a child working through trauma, try Lilo from Lilo and Stich. Not anyone from Atla

Not everyone needs a happy ending.

This is ultimately what it comes down to for me. I like Azula as a villain. I like Azula as a villain who stays a villain and who is driven insane by power and paranoia. I like Macbeth. Azula is a tragedy- and that’s what I like.

So there ya have it folks. That’s my take. I’m writing this at five am with very little sleep, so please forgive typos and whatnot. I feel like maybe I haven’t explained everything the way I wanted to, but I can’t stop thinking about this, and the great thing about this show is that it’s fun to keep thinking about.