#you don't know what I've gone through.
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Love in paradise, the " and all i hear are screams " with Post-Cyclone Penny
#― the angel catalogue !#― abbey !#― sky !#― ride the cyclone !#rtc penny#jane doe rtc#jane rtc#penny rtc#jane doe#penny lamb#legoland penny#legoland play#penny legoland#legoland#legoland musical#rtc musical#rtc jane doe#rtc#ride the cyclone#ride the cyclone musical#epic the musical#love in paradise#all I hear are screams...#you don't know what I've gone through.#you don't know what I've sacrificed!#every comrade I long knew...#every friend...#i saw them die.#And all I hear are screams...#let me close my eyes.
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Progress on my "Love in Paradise" Animatic Still feels rough and needs more touch ups before i begin sketching the second half of it, but it's coming along!!! for a first animatic, this is coming along alright :3 Hope you guys enjoy it and look forward to the full thing! I'm really trying to make every scene it's own standalone painting in terms of composition and how well it looks. like if you paused at any part of it, it'd be wallpaper worthy
#epic the musical#art#fanart#animatic#odysseus#calypso#love in paradise#wisdom saga#love in paradise animatic#you don't know what i've gone through#you don't know what i've sacrificed
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It has come to my attention that SOME OF YOU who read my last Byler post remain UNCONVINCED. So I'm gonna tack onto it this:
I'm older than fucking God and air, and I've been out and proud since 2007. Yes, I know what homophobia is, and yes, I know what queerbaiting is. I know about Supernatural and Teen Wolf and Sherlock and blahdyblahdyblah. No new ground is being covered here. I thought I made that clear in the original post, but, clearly, I did not.
I am aware of queerbaiting and homophobia, and I'm still wholeheartedly certain in Byler being canon anyway.
Okay, so there are three types of relationship I want to discuss when it comes to queerbaiting. They're all, like, "queer relationships that could have happened, but didn't".
First off, queer-coding. This isn't really a thing so much anymore, but it still crops up every once in a while. I'd argue it probably happens most with male-male relationships in family shows these days. First example that comes to mind is Mr. Smiley and Mr. Frowny from Steven Universe. You can't make a relationship canon because some shitty overhead bastard overhead said no, so you get as close as you can without compromising the show. Can't make someone gay? Well, now their comedy routine is a blatant allegory for a romantic relationship. Boom-shaka-laka. This is something I don't see being a problem with regards to Stranger Things, but I want it to be there as contrast, a demonstration of one of many things queerbaiting is not. However, one could argue that, thus far, Will Byers is, canonically, queer-coded. It's pretty fucking heavily implied in the show, and the creators have confirmed it, and you're gonna be able to see it if you're not FUCKING BLIND, but word of god is not technically canon which means that interviews don't technically make something canon, blahdyblahdyblahdyblah, technicalities, Robin has been explicitly stated in the text to be queer while Will has, thus far, not, outside of good ol' Show-Don't-Tell. Of course, anyone with two brain cells to rub together can tell that that's going to change by the end of Season 5, but, hey, for what it's worth, I'm throwing this out there.
Alrighty, Thingamajingama Number Two: "Oops, I accidentally made the greatest love story known to man." AKA, a genuine, honest-to-goodness mistake. Unfortunately, we do live in a heteronormative society. Sometimes people who don't think about being gay much write a friendship that's incredibly compelling and don't even consider the possibility that it could have been read as romantic. Something something Top Gun something. This is, again, not queerbaiting. This is Steddie, this is Ronance, this is Elmax, this is your favorite flavor of non-canon ship this week, this is not Byler. The creators know DAMN well what they're doing. They've talked about it. We know this. Nothing new here.
Which brings us to the topic of discussion here. Actual queerbaiting. This usually starts out as an "accidental greatest love story", and then reacts to fan response. And when I say "reacts", I mean like a goddamn chemical reaction. Like bleach and ammonia, bitch. It's noxious and it's gonna kick your fucking ass without mercy. This is when a creator is like, "Hey, let's get our queer audience invested, but we're not actually going to give them what they want because our straight audience isn't here for that/we personally think it's gross/we don't give enough of a shit to want to research a goddamn thing to write a real gay character," blah blah blah whatever excuse they want to come up with this time.
And when you think "queerbaiting", I want you to think "bullying". Because that's what it is. It's lucrative bullying, like beating us up and taking our lunch money, but it's bullying all the same. And it's a real goddamn thing, even if people misuse the word a lot, often when they mean one of the two above, sometimes when they mean "bury your gays", which is another homophobic thing entirely that I'm not going to get into here. Queerbaiting is the thing we're focused on, and it's real, and it's bullying. And here's the reason I want you to think of it as bullying:
They
Think
It's
Funny.
They are actively making fun of us.
That's why Dean had the "Cas, get out of my ass," line in Supernatural. It's why the "Do you like boys?" line happened in Teen Wolf. It's why "Lie with me, Watson," happened in the RDJ Sherlock Holmes movies. Because "It's just a joke, mate." "It was just a prank, bro." "You didn't really think it would happen, did you?" "You should see your face."
So here's probably the biggest reason I don't think it's specifically queerbaiting in this specific instance of Will Byers and Mike Wheeler.
Stranger Things has never, not once, made a gay joke. Ever.
Every single time queerness comes up, it's dead serious.
Lonnie calls Will a fag, and the show is not at all reluctant to show what a goddamn horrible person he is. And when Hopper latches onto that, it's not as "Hahah, is he gay, though?" It's because he's trying to determine a potential motive for Will's disappearance, and even if someone had interpreted it as a joke, Joyce immediately has a line that functions as snapping her fingers in front of the audience's face and yelling "FOCUS" when she says "He's MISSING." Basically outright saying "This isn't funny!"
Troy calls him a fairy, along with targeting Lucas and Dustin for their skin color and disability respectively, and Mike gets damn near murderous. Troy is portrayed as a goddamn monster and the show portrays it as justice when El makes him piss his pants and later breaks his arm.
Steve calls Jonathan "queer" as a slur and gets the shit beat out of him for it.
Billy's father is revealed to be homophobic and abusive in the same breath.
Mike says "It's not my fault you don't like girls!" and we're shown how devastated Will is and Mike immediately follows him to beg for forgiveness.
There is a joke in Robin's coming-out scene, but it's not at Robin's expense. It's at Steve's. Specifically for being heteronormative.
Jonathan has multiple scenes where he's trying so hard to tell Will that he's always going to love him as he is, whether he's gay or not, without pressuring him to come out before he's ready.
Even when there's a little bit of ribbing at Robin's expense, it's always because she's an awkward nerd who's nervous around pretty girls, just the same as Lucas and Dustin are teased when they both first develop crushes on Max, and even then, even then, it always comes as a package deal where they make fun of Steve's girl problems at the same time.
Stranger Things is an emphatically pro-gay show. It may not be the core point of the show the way it is in, say, Our Flag Means Death, but there is nothing less than respect for its queer characters. Its queer characters are always taken completely seriously. No one is making fun of us. They never have. That's why I have serious doubts that this is queerbaiting. It would come completely out of left field for the bullying to start in Stranger Things' final season.
So it's not at all likely to be queerbaiting because queerness is taken completely seriously. The creators have talked about Will's queerness, at least, so it's not an accident. And queer-coding would be silly to expect from this show when it's already on its final season. Like, what is Netflix gonna do? Cancel it? Not to mention all the explicit queerness that's in there already. And no one's gonna "What about the children?" a show that's had sex scenes in it since the first season.
There's no fakeout here. It's gonna happen. Breathe.
#byler#Part 2 I fucking guess.#Wasn't planning on making a Part 2 but here we are.#I seriously just want you guys to feel safe.#I'm not naive. I do not say any of this shit lightly.#But I've been around the block long enough to know what queerbaiting looks like and this ain't it. Promise.#Will's already been confirmed as in love with Mike for fuck's sake. You don't think the other half of the equation's gonna follow through?#There has only ever been one other situation where I've gone 'Okay this is going in gay places' with no doubt whatsoever without being told#And that was with Daja in Tamora Pierce's 'Will of the Empress' when I read it at like sixteen or whatever#and she wound up having whole-ass fuckin' gay sex.#I was right then and I'm right now. I swear.
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i fear the general public may not deserve her...but you get to see girl cider as a treat because i like her & i can't stop drawing her.
#OK. BIG LONG RAMBLE IN THE TAGS TIME.#“cider there's no canon implication of this in the slightest!!” i know. i know.#but i am literally just having FUN & i drew her once & it just#made me feel so much better... like i've been totally Going Through It but#drawing girl cider helped. so i did it more & i will probably do more in the future#but you know what i realized about headcanons that is so beautiful???#regular cis male cidertalk doesn't go anywhere when i draw him as a girl! it changes nothing about that.#just because i draw girl cider doesn't mean boy cider is GONE & DEAD FOREVER & i can NEVER DRAW HIM AGAIN#he's still right there :^) & i think that's important for me to remember when i do crazy out-of-left-field headcanons like this#it changes nothing & i can always play with contradictory ideas & i don't have to stick to anything!! & it's so fun!!!#if you have a problem with girl cider or she makes you uncomfortable i will send evil energy in your direction. watch out.#she's so cute isn't she? :^) that colored one with dandy is what really got me hocked on girl cider#ok normal tags now bye bye#chipspeech#cidertalk'84#dandy 704#cidandy#cider draws#bert gotrax#dee klatt#(briefly)#otto mozer#oh i also couldn't stop laughing at the “woman in stem” one
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kind of unfortunate that so many fantasy epics are also war novels because i will be honest i just do not like war novels that much... the grand clashing of forces is compelling obviously but it requires characters to talk about so much practical battle strategy and while i can get my brain to comprehend all these fantasy maps and kingdoms and borders and battalions and front lines and army movements it takes up. so much space in the book. feels like i'm fighting a war of my own trying to get through it sometimes
#this is about the witcher books rn but also about book four of the inheritance cycle#roran is hot and i like seeing him with his hammer and his dedication and love for his wife!#also i am here for dragons and it is kind of a major tonal shift watching this man try to navigate becoming a military general!#like i'll learn all the names of the witcher kings and queens and learn where their provinces are and which towns are in which kingdom#and who borders what and where and how all those political machinations work. it's important to the plot.#damn it's a lot of names though#meve is the queen of lyria and rivia is in lyria. this much i know. because she is the only queen.#completely irrelevant information most of the time.#cintra is north of nilfgaard. nilfgaard is south of fucking everything.#cintra is like? middle of the map i think? there are other southern territories that got conquered by nilfgaard before cintra fell#other southern places. um. toussaint. i know this because this location is often referenced in fanfictions about aiden thewitcher#my favorite character that does not actually appear anywhere in canon aiden thewitcher#man i'm thinking about him again... fucking miss him... (<— guy who never met that guy to begin with)#anyway. what other witcher politics do i know. i can keep the wizard politics pretty clear in my mind.#total fucking lie i just realized i've been picturing stregobor instead of vilgefortz all through the last half of blood of elves#whateverrrrrrr i'll figure it out... this is why i can't pick things up this much later. i'm not restarting this reread though#other kings. suddenly all their names are gone. demawend? he is not very important rn i don't think.#vizimir. of. redania? perchance?#yes. because i think he's who dijkstra works for. and phillipa eilhart. i think that's the redania crew.#there's the king who is caught up in. incest. foltest. that's that guy's name. fuck if i know what kingdom. triss worked with him i think#oxenfurt is an independent city-state in my mind i don't think that's actually true though#just reread the story where geralt is delivering a message for the kings that border brokilon but could not tell you for the life of me#which kings and kingdoms those actually are. nor who ciri was supposed to marry there#anyway point is. man. War Novel#lord of the rings counts for this too btw. if i have to calculate the numbers for the armies it is a war novel to me#valentine notes#witcher reread
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#ok finally making a post about meds#I've not ever tried taking medication before. I was sorta raised with that classic 'dont rely on meds you have to learn to manage without'#I mean I was also raised with the idea that therapy is stupid unless you have 'real' trauma. and also like idk.#can't stay home from school unless your temp is over 100 or you're throwing up. etc. very suck it up mindset#so I was just really nervous to start. also of course worried about losing myself or whatever I know that's a silly fear but#it's also a common fear for a reason!!! anyways#so I finally was like 'I need to do something' when I realized I was so anxious I couldnt even get myself to go outside alone#like I just don't want to do ANYTHING alone to a detrimental effect. and it was butting into my ability to do my work...#for various reasons. but then ALSO adhd has been a constant issue with my work as well!#it is SO hard to write and draw on a weekly pace like I am without being able to focus#my whole life I've had these terrible nightmares constantly and I've always woken up constantly in the night#sleep has always been terrible so I've always dreaded going to bed.. ESPECIALLy because it didnt even make me less tired#it was more something that I just did because I had to.#but going to bed was always terrible. there have been times I was too scared to go to sleep for weeks on end...#I've been mitigating this for years of course. and recently I've been taking melatonin which has been helping too.#but I've also always struggled to get up. because I've always been EXTREMELY exhausted#but also anxious of what the day might bring... idk.#anyways it has all hit a point that I was like okay. I am doing as many coping mechanisms as I can. the psych said they were good too#but... it just has never been enough. it's never been enough to make me not tired it's never been enough to make me not scared#so I finally talked to the doc about it. and she was like youve def got smth wrong basically. which yah I know.. but yknow#anyways so I started taking wellbutrin. and I am so frustrated now. because it's WORKING#that constant looming sense of dread is gone. I'm excited to get up. I'm excited to go to bed BECAUSE I'm excited to get up#I feel like for years I've been holding on to the idea that I have to get up because I have to put something good out into the world#and I've been clinging to knowing that if nothing else. I am able to help other people feel better.#but now for the first time in my life I'm like. free of it. I didnt even know it was possible... and I'm so sad how much I've lost out on#and so frustrated how my whole life I've been told to put up with it and push through it. and treated like a failure for it being too much.#and just. It has only been 2 weeks. but the lack of anxiety is SO noticeable I'm so...#I'll never miss it. the adhd is still pretty present but like whatever. I can manage that better.#and I'm just crying because of all this combined.#I just. I hope I get to finally be the best I can be now. for myself but also for you guys!
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I remember many times when my grandmother would make off hand remarks about how testosterone would make me look like a joke. that it would be funny and unnatural for someone like me to have a beard.
before that i remember my mother outing me to my grandparents without my knowledge or consent. and then having to sit with both of them on different occasions for a year while they tried to tell me i was just a masculine woman. One where they thought it was okay to ask if I'd get pregnant if a potential partner "really really wanted it 🥺" (Which. sidenote. what the actual fuck??)
i remember the day after one of those conversations my mother took me into town for a "suprise" from my grandma. and they tried to make me get my ears pierced. even when i said i didn't want to. the only reason they stopped was because i had an autistic shutdown in public and they were too embarrassed to keep trying to force me into it. That happened 2 years ago. i have very real trauma from that day.
They never cared about my gender nonconformity until i came out.
They still seem to believe that I'd only be a man if i actually secretly hated myself.
#i kinda just wanted to talk about some of the stuff I've gone through since coming out as a trans man#I've been very lucky that most of what I've faced was family and not the outside world but that definitely doesn't go for all transmascs#not even most#I'm so fucking angry at the world for the way my transfemme siblings are openly harrassed and assaulted#and I'm very grateful that i live in a place where “masculine women” aren't seen as a bad thing and also harassed#but my safety come from strangers assumptions that i am a cis woman making a fashion choice#i don't know the experience of *being* transfemme. so i listen. and i try to understand.#equally if you're transfemme. you don't know the experience of being transmasc. and that's okay. listen. and try and understand what you ca#and also#really fucking important#we need to stop completely fucking ignoring non-binary people when they speak about their experiences both in and outside our community#denying other trans people words for their experiences just leads to bitterness#and infighting#which we see a lot of#tw transphobia#transphobia#transmisogyny#transandrophobia#trauma#personal vent#I'm very much not here to start arguments i just needed to get this out somewhere#imp meows
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People here would always say that Twitter is fucking wild and thrives on unnecessary drama.
As someone who primarily moved to Twitter and grew quite a big following reasonably quickly and had relatively high engagement there, I just wanted to say, Twitter is fucking wild and thrives on unnecessary drama.
#I thinking about how some of the shit that I've gone through on there would play out on here and honestly want to laugh#because no one here would let their posts gain traction#everyone would just be like 'wtf are you on about?'#'I think maybe you need a nap'#But now I'm having withdrawals from not being able to share my every thought and I don't know what to do about that
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contemplating deleting my blog soon I might make a new blog but idk
#.bdo#i just need to work on some insecurity issues is all. been on a long self journey this year#can't shake the feeling that every time i say anything it's wrong somehow#and there is some reality to that. i have been wrong several times I've even been downright mean to people over misunderstandings#i just haven't been able to break out of the habit of feeling permanently embarrassed about every small mistake I've ever made#& old insecurities from my childhood are resurfacing#like when i was a kid/teen and no one would ever tell me when i was breaking social cues but they'd make fun of me behind my back#i have 3200 followers and most of my posts get 0 notes sometimes i get 1-5 so it makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong#i end up deleting a lot of them...#almost every post of mine that's gone viral was just a screenshot or picture saved from somewhere else....#and the times that i have gotten attention over a post that stands up for people who aren't like me it makes me terrified#that i look like i'm trying to play a savior role or like i'm virtue signaling#i have a few good mutuals who i love so much and that's why I'm still here#it's also the only social media i use currently#but it does really hurt when i put a lot of thought into something like spending hours making a funny meme or a thoughtful post#just to find out that the only people who find them interesting is my extremely small circle on here if anyone at all#it's so dumb i shouldn't be feeling like this over fucking numbers....it's not even real#i find a little bit of (petty) solace in the fact that there are people on here who are loudly and repeatedly saying way more embarrassing#shit than I've ever said#but even then when i know someone is absolutely wrong it makes me feel nervous like what if im the next person to fuck up that bad#and i find out through public ridicule#well that actually kinda did happen on here once but not on that scale#last year i sent someone something i thought was funny and they sent back an 'ok'#and then immediately made a huge long post about how you shouldn't talk to strangers like you're already friends#called it parasocial behavior...got tens of thousands of notes and i knew it was about me...#i wholeheartedly agree some people go too far with parasocial behavior but i never fully understood what part of what i said/did was wrong#and i went back to feeling like the kid who never found out they were doing something wrong until they heard that they got made fun of#i don't even attempt to make new friends on my own on here anymore because i'm terrified of that happening again#almost all of the people I've become friends with on here came to me first and i love and appreciate them for that#but even then i feel too nervous to socialize that often bc i never find out/realize that i fuck up until later on
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also "textless" versions of these, wahooo
#corned beef#joe iconis christmas extravaganza#bsol#speaking of >:3 & >:3 third time's the >:3 in successfully slammed both up against the window of joe iconis's car (twitter @'d & Seen)#which is really just a :3 but whom among us (orchestra hit) is not a little impish with it#first year i did fanart like wouldn't it be fun if joe saw & liked this. second yr like Same plus it did happen last time#then also recency Fun Times bias sure but he did make it a frame in his End Of Year Good Times Celebration video like >:'3#yes i draw exactly what i wanna draw b/c it's some specific thing i enjoy that much so Yep that is the xmas show to me#so powerfully i was moved like ooh fun xmas villain wrole?? in '19 when i was paying attention & relieved of some bmc closure malaise#by the xmas show but obv Least aware / knowledgable lol. technically showed up in '18 around nov/dec but no chance Right then of tuning in#i mean i had the capacity but did not know it existed / even Less helpful preexisting context. anyway so by the time the show returns#& i've done research in between & gone my god i am i live laugh loving like Yeah i'll do more fanart & omg cyril & omg krampusfucking#able to ramp it up this year & like just thanks to Drawing Experience i'm better at forging ahead through thee process even when it's#extra ambitious like my god am i in over my head? well keep swimming for the surface like only several times going [aaa....] only to yknow#not be that tripped up anyway but still go [(celebrate) christmas!!! (with me)] & be like Do It For The Krampusfucking Gift#one post for another like lighting up my life joe just coming out like ''who wants clips. first up Full Cyril Fucks The Krampus number''#like jeez made that happen And passed it along....it's always the like epitome of my art like i make the specific often really niche stuff#i really respond to; does anyone else enjoy this? if yes; Wheeee; sometimes this is also ppl Behind the really niche shit i enjoy#like i truly hope you do get that kick out of it as i slam it up to the window; worth a Highlight Of Your Year or not#the power of [i do like to Draw the things i latch on to] + [internet] for you#really the bsol design even More an event in ''how did i even do this'' b/c even when planning to make it slightly easier like well#fewer figures; i'll use ink pen so i hone the lineart less than i would to precisely get [line weight mostly irrelevant] Line Geometry#yet still going ruh oh i'm honing for sure. but then like did Most of the lineart all in one night + all the coloring the next round#when i draw quite slowly / the Honing is virtually always an inextricable part of my process like i do Nothing in less than Hours#like i think even my freewheeling bsol sketches posted just this morning took me at Least an hour; judging by vids i played in the bg lol#not quite calibrated to have Attuned Confidence In My Ability To Forge Ahead thusly like oh no if i don't have Momentum or it doesn't#happen to be one of those times things just spontaneously come out great right off without more honing / consideration we're fucked....#not actually the case but yknow still realizing this lol But still able to just pat myself on the shoulder like It's Manageable & it is/was
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sorry for only saying this type of shit lately but i kinda wanna drive a car straight into a brick wall at the highest speed possible
#trying to keep it together so bad because i already know the problems and solutions and whatnot but i cannot do anything#i desperately just need to do something. accomplish any task. actually several would be nice. but i cannot stand just letting life go by#while i watch other people have the things i want. or even metaphorically living my dream like. that should be me why am i settling for thi#i hate even talking about this because i feel so stupid when i know it's not even a real tangible problem and that i actually DO have real#problems to tackle and the ability to do so but i'm choosing to be upset over the stupidest things i could possibly be sad about#and i can't even be sad about it in a normal way i'm cycling through like several different reactions to smth that isn't even real#or if it is real i literally do not have tanglible evidence for it one way or another like i'm driving myself insane for no reason#i can't even get catharsis because all i'm doing is digging a deeper hole for something i never should've gone back into in the first place#because i KNOW how i am i KNOW how i react to things and i still chose to do it lmao.#and i continue to choose to go through this shit instead of actively trying to change my life because... i'm lazy? and stupid? idk#negative self-talk isn't gonna get me to do anything either so let's just say i'm feeling particularly unmotivated like usual#i hated being a teenager but i really do miss when all my problems just amounted to 'someone was mean to me on tumblr today :(' or i failed#a test in chemistry or something. like i yearn for that simplicity becasue at this point all i'm doing is ruining my own life LMAO#i'm too scared to live i'm too scared to die so i just sit here and fantasize that life could be amazing if i wait#and i'll magically get everything i've ever wanted if i just wait long enough. and i know it isn't true and i still wait for it to happen.#because honestly like. i think deep down i am just convinced i will fail at anything i do when that shouldn't be what scares me.#what scares me should be never even allowing myself to fail because i never tried to do anything at all with myself or my life#like. wake the fuck up. get off your ass and put in the effort. learn some skills. gain independence and stability and discipline and do it#just live please i'm begging you just live so i can be happy don't i deserve to be happy... why am i not letting myself be happy#i'm literally keeping myself trapped in this negative feedback loop ON PURPOSE because teehee shiny toy#and it doesn't matter if the love is real it doesn't matter how i feel like i'm just using it as a distraction i can't say it's motivation#because it's barely motivated me at all. i have to start being realistic. 25 & just realizing you actually have to participate in your life#anyways. i've cried i've agonized i've pictured killing myself in 30 different ways. i think the only way i'm gonna feel better is#to just actually try this time without giving up. wish me luck
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#idk if it's because i've given autism a very in depth look now or if i just always been like this and never really thought about it#but i'm finding it harder and harder to match my feelings to what i guess i'm supposed to feel?#like when something sad happens and i have no reaction to it#it's not that i'm not sad or that i'm glad it's happening but i just have no feelings?#which in turn bring put feelings of guilt because i'm not sad or worried enough...#it's such a weird experience and i'm of course not saying that autistic people have no feelings#that's so not what i'm saying#but it is a trait of autism to have difficulty pinpointing what you feel and also difficulty expressing it in ways other people usually doit#so perhaps it is because i've learned about that that I'm accepting that maybe i just don't feel things ''the normal way''#but i'm having a weird one tonight because my mom had to leave because of an emergency with my grandma#and it's 1am right now#and i am worried. of course i am. I don't want my grandma to suffer (although i have accepted she's not gonna live much longer)#but i still don't want her to die obviously#and most importantly I don't want my mom to have to go through that... to see her mother die? that's horrible#i'm obviously sad and worried#yet i'm sitting here drinking coffee and laughing at funny videos like nothing's happening#and i feel fine... like as if my mom was just sleeping at home like every night and not at a hospital visiting her dying mother...#and i know that years back i would have gone ''what the fuck is wrong with me?!'' and perhaps maybe forced myself to feel worse#or to cry or whatever because I can't be chill when something bad is happening...#and maybe i'll feel that way when my mom is back because I can't be calm and happy is she's sad#that would be rubbing it in her face#so maybe i'll feel more guilty then?#idk it's a weird feeling that i wanted to put into words#mostly for when it happens again i'll have a record of it somewhere#idk#angel talks#personal
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last night's episodes of totnt mostly irritated me with very bad pacing, which is a shame, because I was so charmed by the lead up. there have been too many redundant meetings and also too many people stopping to monologue about how sad it will be if Lee Yeon dies. >:( I was ready to have brainworms for at least two weeks, show. Also, going into the final episodes there has still been no actual explanation for why the main character abandoned his kid brother on a burning mountain with a dead puppy aside from "he was very sad." im beginning to question whether he was locked in a hell dimension at all.
#on the bright side Lee Rang was annoying again like you don't understand people who have not watched this show#this man is SO annoying#did Lee Yeon think the kid was dead after their house burned down?#because surely! surely!!!#when your forest your little brother lives in burns to the ground you try to check up on him#unless you've been locked in a hell dimension which is what I had been assuming happened#it's also weird that they've gone through a lot of trouble to establish that Lee Yeon's devoted bff/nanny is great with kids#and yet!#we never see him with kid Lee Rang in the flashbacks and they don't come across as having been particularly close#like why#if you personally cannot deal with your sadness for long enough to pick your kid up#would you not at least send your bro who is great with kids?#i do like that the dude seems to have learned from his experiences with this family#Lee Rang rocks up sans child and he's just like WHERE IS THE CHILD DID YOU LEAVE THE CHILD ALONE#press says totnt#oooh ok I think I've figured it out#Lee Rang knows where he went#he just never heard from him again after he left#and Lee Yeon did said he tried to come back for him#so sequence of events seems to be#Lee Yeon told Lee Rang he was leaving#for samdocheon#possibly even why he was quitting being a mountain god#he thought Lee Rang would be fine on the mountain by himself with his puppy which#fine ok it seems like he was on his own with the puppy a lot anyway#he was depressed and uninvolved after that point but did not intend to ditch the kid entirely#when he found out the mountain had burned he#went back to look for him but Lee Rang had already booked it#the next he heard of him was when his face popped up on the most wanted list#and he'd either thought he was dead or had been looking for him up to that point
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i really, truly, terrifyingly am unaware of who i am as a person. obviously, interests don't make up an entire personality. but what am i without them? the labels i use to describe myself no longer fit me. i have these swathes of names in my head that i don't want to belong to me and they do nonetheless. i am rotting. i am dying on the inside. one day i will fit to my own ideals and i will be happy and healthy and see beautiful sunlight stream through my windows again.
#random thoughts#(probably being dramatic because i watched another review of those lacey flash games and those always scare the shit out of me.#stop that crispin your language is so cheap and disgusting!!)#conflicting labels and interests and terms to describe the amalgamation of personalities i refer to as mine.#i have no concept of time and it is making me sick to my stomach. i do not remember. so many things.#this is only recent. i have not gone outside in a while.#not properly at least. there was yesterday (or whenever tuesday was) but that was for. legalities.#i sit in my room and i lose track of time and i drink water and i rot and i rot and i rot.#hey what's all this talk about rotting i need to promote the album......... 60 streams in just four days wow!!#listeners in japan and new zealand and germany and all that. amazing.#spotify no longer has malice mizer on the podcast i used to listen to. but there's another one.#i need to talk about random things. i have so much to say.#i've been speaking every day but i need to extend my reach to more people. there is a chance i am very mentally ill and i can't even tell#any of you.#in more ways than one now ! ! ! ! !#the term “crazy person”. i really do feel like it.#and i can't tell if it's properly me or myself in a way that. is. i will not elaborate.#something something four years of speculation.#that's cured momentarily i had a human interaction. i think i need to write meaningless words now. (sorry.)#torturous cloth bleeding desperately for the shrines you see nothing is ever really anything when you look at it beyond the surface of seas#and pretty intricate little cobwebs dancing a tune and spelling out the number 50 which is insignificant and means nothing obviously you#know this now#but as a member of us do you isolate yourself place yourself on a pedestal ever i think we're really all just that purple-blooded syndicate#i got into the things you like so i could be a part of you and now you are a part of me altered in the back of my mind though here you see#he took his own face and name now so he is different in some respects#no i don't like this i can see his face peeling in the forefront of my mind perhaps it is something i ought to share to the world through#song#(okay i just needed to do this. fine now. this post is also scheduled. may or may not delete.)#the internet is really scary!!!!
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thought i was depressed for 2/3 of my life but it turns out ive actually just been haunted by the shadow of knowledge crucial to my ability to comprehend existing in the world since i was seven years old. but i achieved enlightenment so im fine now
#ok2rb the personal stuff is in the tags#its like. its one thing to hear 'gender is a social construct' and 'gender is a performance' and then a whole other#to understand what that really means. and to finally hear someone say yeah its not real but its also not fake and leaning into either of#these misconceptions is just falling back into the false binarization thats the whole problem like o7!!!!!#its just. to finally realize that you CAN separate people from the concepts of gender and discuss them separately#i'm just going back over every important gender-related media ive gone through and rethinking all of them#like ohhh thats what the matrix was about. ohhh thats why utena can never be her prince. thats what was going on with homestuck#all these ideas where i kind of understood them and kind of understood the language to express them but not the concept at the very heart#or maybe that i understood them (and have since i was young) but felt like i was in the wrong because id never seen anyone else express the#i feel almost euphoric but i dont know how to describe how important this is to me without sounding very silly#but its like. this is what i've been searching for my whole life#and yet i don't think i could have truly understood it until now
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Can I ask what your ✨Aki journey✨ was like? I’m a Aki girlie but you clearly love Aki more than any blog I’ve ever seen (purrr) When did you start becoming interested in him? Was it an aHA moment or did it develop over time? I’m really curious!!! What inspired you to start this blog? I live, laugh, love backstories 🫶🏾❤️🔥
YES I would be so happy to answer this!!!!!!!
so before I read chainsaw man, I knew next to nothing about it, I wasn't really a manga reader in general to be honest but I started getting into it because I wanted to get caught up with jujutsu kaisen after finishing the anime. when I did, I really enjoyed jjk, I wanted to read more manga and a friend suggested I read chainsaw man because it's similar. I was like okay... a lot of people are into it... it looks cool... why not.
and when I started reading and I got to that third chapter and I saw aki... I literally said to myself: yeah, he is going to be my favorite. because he's exactly my type — the suit, the hair tied up so it's long and pretty when he takes it down, the SMOKING??? THE PIERCINGS????? I thought his hair was silly but adorable, his personality was stern but quirky and likable, his kon power was so cool. he was just so cute and hot and definitely my type of character.
but really, even though aki was always my favorite character from the start, my obsession truly began when I finished the manga. aki's arc is just so good... I fell in love with him the whole way through but especially after the manga was over... I loved watching him grow as a character, he just feels so real and relatable personality wise and story wise. he's immensely flawed but kindhearted to his core. he's so human. I love how he's emotional and soft and the conclusion to his arc is genuinely my favorite thing in any piece of media ever, it's so bittersweet and compelling. (and I'm a mess for that bittersweet shit okay)
anyway after I read chainsaw man for the first time I was feeling a mix of emotions between "wow that was the greatest thing ever" and "what the fuck did I just read" but more than anything I yearned for more aki, and so I read it a second time almost immediately after, and then the aki brain infection just grew worse and worse.... was screenshotting every panel of him... I read it a third time... a fourth time in the colored version to collect more panels......... I started my blog over a year ago to post fanfic and rant about aki and the rest is history
#I love this question#I also think it's important to say#albeit it's a bit silly#when I read chainsaw man I was going through a pretty hard time in my life#I'd gone through a bad breakup and I felt very lost#I was reading a lot of manga because I needed something to do to get my mind off things#I think that's part of the reason why I got attached to aki so quickly...#but he means a lot to me because of that#aki helped me to become myself again#also I'm sure I've said this before#but I started writing fanfic because I'd read all the fanfic of aki and#I still needed more#I thought it would be fun bc I always enjoyed writing but it'd been years since I did#suddenly on a random night at 3 in the morning I was like#you know what... I can't sleep... I know how to write... I can make my own aki content... let's do it#and I wrote that first fic like there was no tomorrow#(don't read it btw it sucked BAHAHA)#I posted it on ao3 for fun expecting no one to care but when just a handful of people read it and said they liked it I was overjoyed#I'm grateful I started writing again... I'm glad I get to do what I love and write about what makes me happy#and people actually enjoy it?? THAT'S CRAZY#sorry for ranting too much#can't wait to see where this journey will continue to take me#ask mags
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