#you don’t understand I need this

[scrunkly-scribe]

I wish sam really did get a fucking lobotomy in s7. Let his ass stay in the psych ward forever, it’s my dream.

[heartthroblopez]

And in addition to the bicep choking, I’m also going to need him to crush my head between his thighs.

Thanks,

Management

[jesterofthecourt]

Well well well if it isn’t my court jester obsessed self drafting up a court jester emoji submission/request form

[statuescrumble]

so we’re getting my songs know what you did in the dark (taylor’s version)

[veryblushyswitch]

Dipper & Pacifica hugging is so precious to me ✨

[kangals]

friendly advice from vetmed: I know that when your animal has an infection that is generating a lot of discharge, you want to describe that to the veterinarian, because it’s a concerning sign. that is true. I also know that the most common word for this type of discharge is “pus,” so it’s logical that that’s the word that you’ll use when describing what’s going on. and in English, we often add a “-y” when we’re using a word as a descriptor.

but. the word. the word you are looking for. is purulent.

please stop sending in messages telling the doctor that your dog has a “pussy wound.”

[anna-scribbles]

constant internal thought process

[letsplaythermalnuclearwar]

Homer!Odysseus and Epic!Odysseus would try to kill each other if they ever met

[osddid-i-do-that]

Shoutout to all the hosts who thought arguing with the guys in your head was a normal way of “thinking about things” 😭

[aro-in-danyl]

During an Overlord Meeting

Random Overlord: So how'd you bag the King of Hell?

Alastor: Well I-

Lucifer: The first time we met he told me to go fuck myself and dropped a piano on my head

Other Overlords: ...

Lucifer: I've been charmed by his audacity ever since

[whatsjulietslastname]

HEY GUYS REMEMBER WHEN CHLOE WANTED MAX TO BE THE LAST THING SHE EVER SAW BEFORE DYING. BTW GUYS. REMEMBER WHEN CHLOE SAID “i’m never leaving you” AND “that’s okay we will, forever” AND “Max, i’ll always be with you”. GUYS GUYS GUYS HOLD ON REMEMBER WHEN CHLOE SPENT YEARS TALKING TO MAX IN HER DIARY BECAUSE SHE COULDN’T LET HER GO GUYS. AND WHEN SHE TOOK MAX BACK IN A HEARTBEAT BECAUSE SHE MISSED HER TOO MUCH. OH AND BTW REMEMBER HOW THEY WERE CHILDHOOD BEST FRIENDS AND GREW UP TOGETHER AND FELL IN LOVE AND ARE NOT LINKED ONLY BY A ‘trauma bond’. DO WE REMEMBER THAT. COLLECTIVELY.

[cheemerthelizard]

okokokokokokokok guys. followers. dear mutuals, even. I know that there is no way in hell that Popuko and Pipimi will face Jesse and James in the first round of the Tumblrwoman polls and make it to the next round. No, no, wait, listen- LISTEN! Wouldn’t it be super funny if they did? Nononononononono, don’t go! DON’T GO!

[vampiefemme]

Ellie being needy as hell so you tie her up with a vib while you work on your computer 🤗🤗

omg yes. exactly. exactly!!!!

you’ve been working nonstop lately, trying to finish up a presentation before a fast-approaching deadline. you’re snappier than usual and ellie notices, but she’s nothing if not needy - and she likes to push it sometimes. likes to be a brat, for lack of a better term. so even when she knows you’re trying to focus, typing away at your keyboard like your life depends on it, she finds ways to vie for your attention.

she crawls into your lap, kisses your neck and suckles at the sensitive spot she knows will drive you mad. with every interruption, every stolen kiss and whispered plea (just let me touch you, i’ll make you feel so good), she can tell your patience is wearing thin. and when she strolls into the bedroom post-shower, dropping the towel wrapped around her frame to reveal her damp, naked body, the last of that patience absolutely disappears.

“was it worth it, baby?” you coo down at her a few moments later, when you’ve got her where you want her: cuffed to the bed frame, gagged with your now-soiled panties. “hm? was it worth being such a bad girl, ellie?”

her hair clings to her temples, damp from the shower and her own sweat. she nods, moaning from behind the mouthful of your panties, and you smile down at her as her eyes roll back from the sensation of the vibrator you’ve pressed to her clit. the vibrator you’ve taped to her thigh in just the right spot to keep it against her sensitive bundle of nerves - no hands necessary. thank god, because you need to get back to work.

you turn your back to your girlfriend, her naked body writhing on the mattress, and return to the desk at the corner of the room. the hum of the vibrator is a nice white noise; you find it actually keeps you focused. and oh, ellie’s moans - they’re music to your ears. the sounds she makes certainly have you pressing your thighs together at your desk, but you’ve got a presentation to complete. you don’t let her distract you - not when you can hear the muffled sound of her calling your name, not when her pleased moans turn into gasps and shrieks, then back into moans again. you’re not sure how many times she comes… just that, when you’ve finally finished your presentation and can return your attention to ellie, she’s a panting mess. and there’s a wet spot on the mattress. and she’s still begging for more.

[pictuajjx]

oh god I want him

[normal-human-girl]

Hey yawl

[fisherrprince]

Instead of writing a fanfic like a normal person this oneshot turned into two separate, contextless things,