#you STILL have the guts or incredible stupidity to go ''are we really letting a civilian succeed to vongola???? 😒😒😒

[hopeswriting]

reminder that if you back tsuna into a corner he

A) sends you right back into the worst prison for mafia criminals you just escaped from, but even worse than before (enjoy being unconscious and tied up in your one room swimming pool for the next 10 years)

B) freezes you with flames burning so hot they turned into ice (< this isn't how the zero point breakthrough is explained in canon but it's the more dramatic explanation), fully knowing you were already frozen by similar ones for 8 years until, like, a month prior

C) burns you fucking alive and also undoes the last 10 years of your existence across all existing timelines. also he won't think anything about it afterwards ever (?????? like. it's not that he didn't deserve it, to be clear, but damn. 😭😭😭 middle schoolers when you just want to take over the world(s) for a bit, smdh 🙄)

D) is willing to become the boss of the most powerful mafia family in the world with a bloodstained history if it means getting the opportunity to get his hands on you and kill you beat the shit out of you. but you're lucky he likes you so you could stay on very thin ice long enough for both of you to clear things up

E) gangs up against you with all the current and future strongest people in the world, and then punches you so hard he makes you see the light of doing the right thing despite your centuries years old deep rooted hatred which singlehandedly kept you alive as an undead person

also reminder he did all that while he was only 14 years old. this is all things he did in less than a year.

this is tsuna's resume during the course of less than a year of proper mafia business.

so, you know. the next time he goes "i just want my friends and i to be safe and happy and live in peace. 🥺🥺🥺 please don't make me fight you to make it happen? 👉🏽👈🏽🥺👉🏽👈🏽🥺👉🏽👈🏽🥺"

just maybe, consider listening to him

[hwaslayer]

vivrant thing (jwy) | five.

—SPOTIFY PLAYLIST / SERIES MASTERLIST

—SUMMARY: after getting into a little accident, wooyoung decides to do his sister a favor by pretending to be your date at the company summer party. as soon as the night ends, wooyoung would go back to his usual routine of hanging out with his boys, keeping his distance from committed relationships and being a typical brother to jiwoo. except, the favor comes with more than what wooyoung expects and he finds you occupying his mind more than usual. 

—PAIRING: jung wooyoung x f. reader

—GENRE: (18+ - minors dni) bestfriend’s brother au | fluff, angst, smut

—WORD COUNT: 9k

—CHAPTER CONTENT / WARNINGS: cussing, mature language/sexually implied content, crying, chapter is pretty heavily papa-focused, mentions of illness, the talk happens!!, crying, bbygirl is sad and exhausted but wooyoung tries his best, yes im sorry i had to reference the howl/wooyoung thing, small sweet kisses and affectionate acts, very brief mentions of alcohol consumption / intoxication / hangovers, also very brief mentions of wooyoung's past again, more jiwoo vs. wooyoung (bickering not actual arguments lol), lots of apologies from jiwoo lol sorry if i missed anything!

Something's wrong, and Wooyoung can't figure it out. It's bothering him. As much as he's trying to respect your space, he can't help but worry about you. Especially when you haven't returned any of his texts or calls. He was expecting something, anything by now, so he can't help himself when he sends another text—

wooyoung: are you at work?

you: i'm about to head home.

You only respond because even though you aren't quite ready to face him regarding all of this yet, you don't wanna worry him unnecessarily. But, it still does anyway. Why aren't you at work?

And maybe, he should've asked if it was okay to see you first. It's the anxiety, the panic, within him that isn't letting him rest. He just needed to see you and make sure you were okay after everything that went down. His sister could be a piece of work, and you didn't necessarily have Yeosang to lean onto. Truthfully, you wouldn't be mad if he actually showed up at your door step. He is the comfort you need as much as you'd hate to admit it right now. At the same time, it'd make you a little more sad though, more confused. 

Lo and behold, when you get home from the long night in the hospital, Wooyoung is leaning against the rail; waiting right by your doorstep. You don't question why he's not at work either, but you feel a sense of relief come over you seeing him there. A sense of relief mixed with nervousness. He doesn't say a word, simply cause he's trying to read you. He's trying to figure out if he's the reason why you look so low and tired. If it's his sister, Yeosang. All of the above.

"I don't really have time to talk about this, Wooyoung—" Is all you mutter as you unlock your door and step in.

"Then, we don't have to talk about it right now. I just wanted to make sure you were okay." He slips in and slowly kicks off his shoes, watching the way you drag yourself towards your closet. You're not sure why that's enough to trigger you, but you find yourself starting to tear up. Exhaustion hitting you tough, sadness stemming deep from your gut. Wooyoung can tell, and even if you're trying to be incredibly sneaky about it, he can still hear you quietly sniffing away. "Y/N." He says, forcing you to pause your movements as you continue to cry. "What is it? Whatever it is, let me help."

"Wooyoung, please just go. I need to go back."

"Go back where?" 

"The hospital." You mutter softly.

"The hospital?" He furrows his brows. "Wait, what's going on? Why are you shutting me out?"

"That's a bold question to ask after that everything that's happened." Fuck, Wooyoung thinks. Don't be fucking stupid, Wooyoung.

"You're right, I'm sorry. I'm just—" He pauses, watching as you pack things in your bag before setting it aside and grabbing a new change of clothes. "I'm worried about you."

"Don't be."

"Y/N." He calls you again, and you take this moment to look him in the eye. Everything within you wants to cave when you see him looking down at you the way he is, hand gently tugging at your wrist. He's basically pleading through his eyes, and the only reason why you continue with your next response is because he actually looks like he means it.

"Papa's in the hospital." You softly say.

"W-what?" He stutters. "What happened? He got worse?"

"Kidney infection." Wooyoung sighs. "He's been hiding it, but he's been feeling more than just being tired. The pain got really bad. Super sudden and sharp. He almost went into sepsis cause of the fever he had."

"Shit. Is he okay now?"

"He's stable." You try to brush past him to quickly wash up and change, but he blocks your path.

"Let me take you." You try to move past, yet you're still unsuccessful.

"Wooyoung." 

"I'll take you back—"

"Stop it. I don't need you to. I don't need you to do anything for me. I can handle it." Your response almost makes him flinch. Truthfully, he knows he deserves it. He knows it shouldn't have taken him this long to talk to you, to reach out to you. So, he knows. He's fully aware. It doesn't make it sting less, though.

"I fucked up. I acknowledge that and I'm sorry. There's so many things I can tell you when the time is right. But, for now, please don't shut me out and do this alone. I wanna be here for you." He pauses, every inch of his heart slowly shattering the more he sees the tears constantly staining your cheeks. "Please let me be here for you." You nibble on your bottom lip, shifting your attention away from Wooyoung as you wipe at your tears and try to suck it all up, try to regain composure. Before Wooyoung can even reach out to wipe the stragglers away, you step around him and lock yourself in the bathroom, leaving Wooyoung in the middle of your living room area. You give yourself a good 15 minutes to freshen up and change before meeting him outside again. He sits on the arm of your couch, patiently waiting.

"I just need to grab a few more things."

"Do you need me to help pack some stuff up?"

"It's okay." You pack some clothes and the rest of your necessities in case you'll be able to stay the night again, though you know it's probably a long shot. You hate having to be away from Papa, and now [even more than ever], you feel the need to keep him close. You feel the need to make up for not being there when he needed you the most; the guilt eating you alive.

Once you've finished, you grab yourself a bottle of water and turn to Wooyoung who is now waiting for you near the door. He gives you a small, toothless smile, gently grabbing your bag from you before leading the way out of your studio and to the car.

The drive is so, so incredibly quiet, but Wooyoung understands you need this more than anything right now. The only time he spoke a word was when he asked you which hospital you needed to go to. Otherwise, he let you sit in your peace. He'd look over from time to time, itching to hold your hand, kiss your hand or gently massage your head as a way to affectionately reassure you that things would be okay. Instead, he looks back out to the road and adjusts the heat a bit to make sure you're warm enough— hoping it's enough to provide comfort from a distance.

"You sure you don't wanna stop by for food or coffee? Anything? You should eat."

"I can just eat at the hospital."

"Mmkay." Wooyoung says, pulling into the hospital and straight towards the parking garage. When he pulls into a spot on the second floor and shuts off the car, he immediately steps out to grab your things from the trunk. You walk alongside of him towards the main entrance, checking in with the front desk before slapping on your visitor stickers and heading down the hall. It's quite the journey of twists and turns before you get to Papa's room, and a sense of relief washes over you when you finally arrive. He's sleeping in his bed, TV on to one of his favorite cooking shows.

"Papa." You gently rub at his arm to wake him. He looks up at you with sleepy eyes, mustering all his energy to smile back at you and Wooyoung.

"Y/N, Wooyoung."

"How're you feeling?" Wooyoung asks.

"Better. Not the best yet, but better." Wooyoung nods before turning his attention to you. "Why don't you go eat? I'll stay with Papa." Wooyoung looks at you sympathetically. You simply nod in response, tugging Papa's blanket up before you let him know you'll be stepping out for a few minutes.

"Papa, do you need anything right now?" He shakes his head. "I'll be back then, okay? I'm going to get food." Papa nods sleepily. "Wooyoung is here." You turn back to Wooyoung, who is now sitting in the chair next to his bed. "Want anything?"

"I'm good." He gives you a pursed smile, watching you walk out of the room and down to the cafeteria on the other end of the first floor. After grabbing some toast, a bit of egg and bacon, you order a latte to go with your food. You sit at a table near the window and slowly eat away, scrolling through social media and stumbling upon Jiwoo and Hongjoong's pictures. You like all of them, though the two of you hadn't really talked much since the fight, since she left. Despite all of the commotion, you still sent her a text wishing her a safe trip, in which she replied with a heart reaction. 

You left it at that.

It was hurtful, and you were sad you and Jiwoo were like this. But, you were still optimistic that the two of you would return to your usual ways soon. Besides, you still needed to figure out what was going on between you and Wooyoung.

All of this was a mess.

You feel your bottom lip tremble and you press the back of your finger flat beneath your nose to try and prevent yourself from crying in the cafeteria. When you feel the wave pass, you let out a shaky breath before focusing on finishing your food. Meanwhile, Wooyoung continues to watch the TV while Papa lays next to him, in and out of sleep. At least, that's what he thought until Papa breaks the comfortable silence that had fallen between them.

"Wooyoungie." Papa is barely able to make out, his voice hoarse and tired. Wooyoung is surprised to see him awake right now, only being able to imagine how tired he is.

"Mhm?" Wooyoung tugs his blanket up a little more on the side, returning his attention back up to Papa's face afterwards.

"Take care of my Y/N, hm?" He smiles softly. "My body isn't what it used to be. I'm afraid it'll only get weaker, and at some point, my time will come." Wooyoung's heart drops hearing the statement fall from Papa's lips, though, when he faces the reality, it's only the truth. "Take care of her. Please don't leave her alone."

"I will. I promise I won't leave her side, okay?" Papa lets out a content breath, resting his head back against the pillow. "Although, I think I might've messed up with her."

"You didn't." He pulls another tired smile.

"Pretty sure I did." Wooyoung licks his lips. "I was being stupid."

"You needed time, I assume. It happens to the best of us." 

"Did she.. tell you everything?" Wooyoung asks, afraid of the details Papa might know. And he knows, to some extent. You did tell him that dinner with Yeosang was terrible. You did tell him that you drank a little too much after, that you accidentally texted Wooyoung instead of Jiwoo. You did tell him things 'kinda' escalated. 

And then you apologized profusely while you cried at his bedside for not being there because you got into a fight with Jiwoo over the whole thing with Wooyoung. You cried your sorries nonstop; Papa didn't even know what was more painful to endure: you breaking down and sobbing, or his kidneys going outta wack.

—FLASHBACK

"Papa?" You step inside his apartment and slip out of your shoes, a small smile on your face when you see him watering his plants out on his balcony.

"Hey, there she is." He laughs a bit, putting down his watering pot before placing an arm on his lower back. "Was just watering my plants." He winces a bit as he steps inside and plops onto the couch.

"You okay?"

"Ah, my lower back's been bothering me, but it's not too big of a deal. Probably just need to exercise and stretch more."

"You sure? We can go to the hospital just to get it checked out."

"No, no. No need." He sits back and smiles up at you. "I am sure."

"Okay. I'll brew us some tea? I got us a few pastries from your favorite café." You sit the box down on his coffee table and pop it open, revealing a matcha cream pastry and a fruit danish with seasonal berries [which is Papa's favorite].

"Sounds good. Thank you." You smile at him and start heating up some water before seeping bags of green tea. Papa lets out a content sigh as he flips through his TV and starts watching the news while you prep. "So, wanna tell me how dinner with Yeosang went?" You briefly pause, hearing the electric kettle click and automatically shut off. You take two mugs out from his cabinet and pour the tea into each before dipping the green tea bags. You set them aside for another 3 minutes, grabbing two small plates and utensils for the pastries.

"Well, to be straightforward, it was awkward and terrible."

"Awkward and terrible. That bad?"

"I don't even know if we'll even go back to being the same, Papa."

"I'm sure you will. Just give it some time. It's all fresh so it'll feel weird for a little bit." He looks at you and observes the way you avoid eye contact with him, even while you cut the pastries in half. 

"Mhm." You hum.

"Something else happen?"

"Why do you say that?" You pass him his plate and utensils, still avoiding eye contact.

"You're avoiding your old man." He chuckles and you briefly look at him before shaking your head and returning your attention to the matcha cream pastry on your plate. "You were never a liar, so it's easy to tell when you're not exactly telling the truth and covering up."

"I don't know."

"You can tell me when you're ready."

"I am ready. I just don't know how to say it."

"You know I'd never judge you."

"I know, I know." You sit back on your knees before looking up at him. "Hm. After the dinner, I went to the convenience store near my house and drank some soju to get my mind off of dinner with Yeosang. Plus, I dunno, I didn't feel as satisfied so I grabbed some snacks. I got a pretty tipsy again and ended up accidentally texting Wooyoung instead of Jiwoo. He came to my rescue. We hung out at my apartment and um." Your bottom lip pokes out. "Things kinda just.. happened." Papa nods slowly.

"Ahhh." The response is somewhat elongated.

"I know, it's awful."

"No, it's not. But, why do you seem sad or upset about it?"

"Because I dunno where this leads us. We haven't talked. I haven't even told Jiwoo yet either and I know she won't take it well. That'll probably ruin our friendship, too." You sigh. "I'm just losing my friends one by one."

"Don't say that. They love you and care for you as much as you do. Fights will happen but it won't compare to the strong foundations you've built." He pauses. "Where do you want the whole thing with Wooyoung to lead you?" You shrug.

"Is it dumb to say that I like Wooyoung? It all started from the party and—" You let out a frustrated sigh. "I know he probably doesn't feel the same." And that's the issue for you.

"You don't know that. Maybe he needed time to form his thoughts, Y/N." You look at Papa blankly. "People who have feelings will often need time to form their words. It's too deep for them to understand quickly so they dissect carefully. Especially if they don't wanna mess things up. Give him some time before you overthink and start jumping to conclusions. Can you do that for me? Wooyoung wouldn't just leave you without answers like that."

"I guess, ya." Is all you say, shaking it off before you start crying in front of him. "Anyway, tea is ready. I'll go grab it and we can watch your favorite movies?"

"Sounds good to me." He chuckles a bit, though deep down he is a little worried about you. Himself. He's been feeling off lately, and after this, the last thing he wants to do is worry you more. 

He just hopes whatever he's been feeling will pass so it'll be one less thing on your plate.

—END

"She didn't have to tell me specifics." Wooyoung nods. "Do you find yourself feeling any different about her now that time has passed? You can tell me and it'll be safe between us."

"I like her. A lot." He does a slight head tilt. "Wouldn't blame her if she didn't feel the same, though. I handled it poorly."

"My girl's got a big heart." Papa chuckles a bit. "I know she feels the same about you, or else she wouldn't have been sulking over it." He lightly teases, making the heat rise to Wooyoung's cheeks. "Just promise me you'll take care of it. You'll take care of her?"

"I'm sorry. It was my fault in the first place. But, you have my word. I will. I'm gonna make things right after this."

"I trust you." Papa holds out his hand for Wooyoung to take, and he does. He holds it tightly, giving it a squeeze.

"For now, she still needs you, too. Promise me you'll take care of yourself?"

"I know, I should, huh? Might need you to be my personal trainer." Wooyoung laughs a bit.

"I think you're stronger and way more knowledgeable than me."

"Should we arm wrestle when I get a little better?"

"Sure, I'll let you hurt my feelings just once. I deserve it." Papa laughs just before shutting his eyes to rest again. The nurse comes in to give Papa his breakfast and meds, greeting Wooyoung as she sets it up on the table. As soon as she instructs Papa to eat his porridge and take his medicine right after, you walk in and greet her with a small smile on your face. You speak to her to check on any new updates regarding Papa and she reassures you that everything seems to be fine. If he continues to improve and remain stable within the next day or two, she thinks he can go home sooner than later.

"Do you think I can stay here again with him tonight?" You're holding a pastry in a bag and a cold, bottled americano for Wooyoung in your hands. "I-I just don't know if I can leave him alone here." The nurse looks at you sympathetically and shakes her head, her hand on your wrist.

"I'm so sorry, Y/N. I wish I could bend the rules even more for you, but we can't allow visitors to stay for another night. I promise he's in good hands, okay? And as soon as the morning comes, you're more than welcome to come back." You sigh and nod, trying to be understanding of the rules. You knew this would be the outcome, but mentally preparing ahead of time doesn't make you any less sad. Nervous. Anxious.

"No, it's okay. I understand. Thank you." She gives you another sympathetic smile.

"Call me if you need anything, okay? I'm here until visiting hours end tonight." You nod, watching as she walks out, leaving the three of you in the room. You hand Wooyoung his food and drink, pulling the table with Papa's food and medicine over.

"You didn't have to."

"You should eat, too." You look at him before looking at the food and unwrapping it. "Papa, you ready to eat? You gotta take your medicine soon so you can sleep a little more."

"I could eat." You chuckle a bit while Wooyoung helps him sit up properly. 

After Papa eats and drinks his medicine, he continues to fall in and out of sleep due to the exhaustion from everything that happened over the past day and overnight. The pain seems to be managed well, and the treatment plan that the doctor has him on seems to be working. It was caught at a time before things could get too deep and severely irreversible, so you're grateful for that despite the pain Papa had gone through. In between his naps, you and Wooyoung would talk about the show on TV or go on quick walks around the hospital before coming back to the room. The only time Wooyoung leaves your side is to briefly buy some food at the convenience store across the street, grabbing you an egg salad sandwich and some iced tea per your request, and grabbing himself a few other snacks in case you wanted some, too.

Which, as he expected, you ended up stealing his chips and mochi. You only left him with a bite of his favorite strawberry mochi, but he couldn't even be mad when you looked at him with wide-eyes, powder around your lips after taking the majority of the damn thing into your mouth. All he could do was sigh, suppressing the want to tease you and tickle you until you surrender [or kick him in the balls accidentally, whichever comes first].

When evening hits, you make sure Papa gets a good amount of his dinner in before taking his medication and drinking lots of water. It hurts you to leave him alone for the night, but you know he'll be coming home soon and you'll be able to spend as much time as possible with him then. You squeeze his hand and hold back your tears, reassuring him you'll be back in the morning before dragging yourself out of his room when visiting hours ends. Wooyoung trails behind, hand rubbing at your back gently as he guides you back to the car.

The ride back home is equally as silent as the drive over to the hospital, and Wooyoung is having trouble figuring out when he can talk to you about everything going on between you and him. No time ever feels like the right time, but Wooyoung knows he has to do this instead of pushing it off even more. 

"Wooyoung?"

"Yeah?"

"Thank you for driving me and for staying with me today." 

"It's nothing."

"It's a lot, and I really appreciate it." He looks over with a tiny smile before pulling up to your street. It's obvious Wooyoung wants to say more and you know what it is, but the assumption doesn't get solidified until he breaks the silence again; you're not entirely sure how to feel with where this is going.

Anxious? Afraid of what he might actually say to you about everything?

"Y/N." Wooyoung calls for you just as he parks his car and shuts it off. "Can we talk now please? It probably won't feel like the right time, but I'd really like to before the night ends. I don't want another day to pass like this." You look at him, hand tugging on the sleeve of your sweater as you nod.

"Okay." Wooyoung looks at you and gives you a small smile.

"Let me start off by saying I'm sorry about the way things happened. I was fucking stupid and I shouldn't have left you that morning. Truthfully, I just didn't know how to put my feelings into words because it's never been this way for me. I know it sounds cliché, but I really don't know how else to explain it. I just.. I like you. A lot. I have a lot of feelings for you and it was scary for me because it happened quick, and I wasn't sure if you felt the same. I know I should've just said it to avoid all of this in the first place, but clearly I'm bad at it." He chuckles nervously before shaking his head. "Um, anyway—I'm rambling. I'm sorry." He repeats, soft dark brown eyes on you. "Point is, I like you and there's nothing else I've been more sure of. I hope I didn't mess this up already, but I'd understand if you wanted nothing to do with me. I didn't treat you the way you should have been treated that morning, and I'm sorry for making you feel that way in the first place." His voice falls lowly, Wooyoung trying to stomach his nervousness for your response. He watches as you fiddle with your fingers before you look up at him.

"I appreciate the apology. I'm not gonna lie, it was hurtful Wooyoung. And it didn't make it any better that your sister was in my face with the 'i told you so.'" You sigh.

"I'm sorry, I know. That was never my intention, Y/N. And if you wanna do this with me, we can take this slow so that I can show you. Because I never wanna make you feel that way again."

"I feel the same way and I do want this with you, Wooyoung. I'm just scared."

"I know, and that's completely valid. But, I promise you that you can trust me to take care of you from here on out, okay? We don't have to rush into anything and just take it as it comes. But, I'm here with you no matter what. Nothing will change that." You slowly nod, the feelings slightly becoming overwhelming. 

"Okay." Is all you respond with. You're feeling happy, relieved, but also scared, anxious. It might just be everything that's been happening with Papa, but it feels good to know you aren't entirely alone. Because even if you didn't wanna admit it before, you were afraid of being alone. Despite your friends being with you over the years, there was always a sense of loneliness that was hidden in the corner of your mind. Loneliness without your parents. Loneliness without a person, your person. You tried not to look at it this way because you weren't really lacking anywhere and still had love coming from different avenues. But, you also can't lie and say you didn't think about it and how it'd feel to have your parents, or someone to call yours genuinely and wholly.

"And Jiwoo.." Wooyoung does a slight head tilt. "I won't apologize on her behalf, but whatever she said about me, I can't lie and say it isn't true. You know I haven't been the best in the past, but you mean more to me than that and I'm trying to do better this time around. It's not gonna be perfect but know that I'm trying." He lets out a breath. "She'll come around soon, too. I know you're worried about her. You know how Jiwoo is."

"I hope so."

"I'll try and talk to her."

"It's okay. I think I just need to sit her down and open up to her about all of this." He nods.

"We're okay then?"

"Yeah." You manage to push the rest of your feelings back momentarily when Wooyoung leans over to place a chaste kiss on your forehead. For a second, things do feel okay.

"Come on, let's get you upstairs. Been a long day for you." You nod. Wooyoung grabs your bag from the trunk, following closely behind you as you walk up to your studio. You still seem rather quiet and although he's happy the talk is done with and you two are okay, he can tell something else is bothering you. It isn't long before he finds out because as soon as you enter your studio, you let out a heavy sigh and drop your purse to the floor. You stand in the center, suddenly breaking down into your hands when the feeling gets immensely overwhelming, almost unbearable.

"Y/N." Wooyoung says, close to a whisper. He comes from behind and gently wraps his arms around you before turning you to face him. He pries your hands away from your face, thumbs softly coming to wipe your tears away. "Baby, hey. It's gonna be okay." He shushes you as you rest against his chest, crying and wetting his shirt. "Baby." He repeats at a whisper, shushing and cooing you in his arms. "What is it? What's bothering you?" He tenderly kisses your tears away, thumb caressing your cheeks while he looks at you with a small frown on his face.

"What if they didn't get there in time, Woo? What if he had been one minute late—" Wooyoung tuts and rests against the back of the couch, pulling you in between his legs. He continues to wipe your tears away, shaking his head.

"But, none of that happened, okay? None of that happened. You don't need to worry about that because he's still here. He's recovering and you've been there with him every step of the way. That's all that matters. He's gonna get better, he already is. He'll be better tomorrow and the next day, and so on." You sigh, looking at him before nodding. 

"I can't lose him right away."

"You won't. I promise. He's still strong and he'll get through this." He brushes the hair away from your face. "It's gonna be okay." He repeats.

"Sorry."

"Don't be, love. Why don't you get comfortable, hm? We can hang out here and watch another Studio Ghibli movie."

"Will you stay?" You ask him softly, watching as he presses a kiss to the surface of your hand.

"Of course I will, Y/N. I'm just gonna grab some stuff from my place, but I'll make it quick and come back."

"Okay." You answer, voice dipping close to a whisper. Wooyoung pulls you closer, pressing a light kiss to your lips before standing. As you grab your pajamas, Wooyoung gets a hot shower started for you, tossing a bit of your lavender epsom salt onto the shower floor to help relax you. He reassures you again that he'll be quick before shutting the bathroom door and heading out. You give yourself time to just be under the hot water, letting it ease and relax your body while you cry out all your worries and concerns— letting them all go so that you can find some peace for the time being.

Maybe the universe will take the rest into its own hands.

After taking your time in the shower, you step out and do your nightly routine— carefully lathering the lotion across your body before working on your skincare. You throw on your red flannel pajama shorts and step into a vintage Disneyland crewneck before walking out to light up some candles and search for a good movie. It's not until about 15 mins later that Wooyoung comes through the door, holding a brown bag in hand; duffle bag slung on his shoulder while he's also [apparently] sporting red flannel pajamas and a black Stussy hoodie.

"Copycat." Wooyoung points to your red flannel pajamas as you watch him show you his own hiding underneath his sweats.

"Excuse, I threw these on first."

"What if I got to my apartment before you stepped out?" Wooyoung cocks a brow up, making you roll your eyes in return. He snorts and rushes to hold you from behind, kissing you on the cheek. "It does look better on you, though."

"I thought so." He chuckles a bit before pointing at the bag. "So, I might've made a pitstop to the McDonald's drive-thru because I was craving a shrimp burger and some fries. I got you the chicken sandwich. With a side order for their special sauce?" He says in a questioning tone. "And fries!"

"How'd you remember?"

"Please, I've only had to do the order for you and Jiwoo a million times over the years." You giggle.

"Thank you, Woo." He sets his bag down and slips out of his sweats to walk around in his flannel pajamas before coming over to you in the living room.

"No problem." He points at your hair. "You can get sick." He crinkles his forehead at you before walking into your bathroom and grabbing your hair dryer hanging off of the organizer you have. He takes one of your wide-toothed combs and plops back onto the couch.

"Wooyoung." You look at him as you take the food out of the bag and set it on the coffee table. "You don't have to dry my hair."

"Well, I know you won't and I don't want you to get sick. I don't mind. Come." He pats the area in between his legs. Once you've set the empty bag aside, he sits you in between his legs before plugging the dryer into your extension cord. He switches it to the low heat setting, taking the blow dryer to your hair as he gently combs through. You set the TV onto Howl's Moving Castle, picking at your fries as Wooyoung continues to patiently dry your hair. "You can eat." He says over the noise. You hold up a fry for him to take in his mouth, continuing his motions until your hair is mostly dry, a few strands still damp but not too wet. "There." He says, shutting it off and gently combing through your hair.

"Thank you." He chuckles before neatly tying the cord the way you had it done earlier and slipping out from behind you to put it back in the bathroom. You've moved back onto the couch with your burger box in hand, pressing play to the movie as Wooyoung sits down.

"Yoooo." He smiles. "This is one of my favorites!" You look at him with your eyes squinted. "What?"

"You know, since you started growing out your hair, I knew you looked like someone but I could never put my finger on who exactly. And now it makes sense."

"What?" He repeats.

"You look like Howl." He blushes and does his high-pitched giggle, making you snort in response.

"You mean that?"

"Shut up. You just wanna hear it."

"I do." He pouts.

"I'll change it."

"I mean go for it, you can always look at him here on your couch." He wiggles his eyebrows.

"Wooyoung." You whine, flipping to Grave of the Fireflies.

"Baby." It's his turn to whine. He'd probably kick his feet and cry about it if he truly wanted to. "Why'd you turn it?! I heard this is hella sad!"

"Then, we'll cry together this time! A core bonding moment." You press play.

"Sassy." He looks at you. "I just wanna remind you that you ate my favorite mochi earlier." Wooyoung reminds you and you sigh.

"I already said sorry!" He laughs.

"I'm just teasing."

"Do you really not wanna watch this?"

"No, I do! I don't mind. I just thought the reminder would help since hours passed." You roll your eyes.

"I'm just gonna buy you another one tomorrow." 

"I'm kidding. Honestly." Wooyoung laughs. "You know what I could take instead?" You cock a brow up.

"Dare I even answer?"

"Too late, I'll take that as an answer." He puckers his lips. "I'll never bring it up again." He says in between. You giggle and succumb to his wants, quickly pecking him on the lips that leaves him smiling in a daze. "I'll never get tired of that." You shake your head and press play, the both of you finally eating away at your food as the movie gets on to a start without interruptions. 

You finish your food within the first 15 minutes, not realizing how hungry you were for good, sloppy comfort food. Wooyoung surprisingly remains quiet for a majority, only making noises and reacting to specific scenes. Eventually, the food coma hits you and you find yourself switching positions until you're snuggled up to Wooyoung. He takes the outer end of the couch while you lay on his chest from the inside. The blanket you leave hanging on the arm of the couch is now draped over you two, Wooyoung's arm around you to keep you close. When the movie hits the last 20 minute mark, Wooyoung starts spilling out his thoughts, but finds that your responses get more and more delayed as time goes on.

"Mhm." You answer late, causing Wooyoung to look down at you. You're damn near falling asleep on him, and it doesn't help that Wooyoung feels incredibly warm. Comfortable. He laughs a bit to himself before gently shaking your shoulder and pressing another kiss to your forehead.

"Falling asleep there?"

"Just wanna rest my eyes for like.. 5 minutes." You mumble, with Wooyoung carrying on to finish the rest of the movie by himself. Suddenly, his phone starts vibrating on the coffee table, making him swoop it up in a haste to avoid waking you up from your so-called 5-min nap.

"Ay!" Wooyoung rests the phone on his ear, regretting it as soon as San's loud ass voice comes through on the other end.

"The fuck are you so loud for?" Wooyoung says lowly, hoping this doesn't wake you.

"Kinda drunk. Wanna head out? We're gonna head to the bars!"

"Uh, nah." Wooyoung looks down while you shift in your position, snugging closer to him. "I'm good."

"What?" San laughs. "You're turning down bar hopping? For what?"

"Just cause. Plus, it's the weekday. You're gonna be so fucked tomorrow."

"Wow, that's new." San snorts. "Are you with Y/N or something?"

"Yeah. She's asleep."

"So, you won't even head out for a bit while she's asleep?"

"No, dude. I'm not gonna leave her." There's a silence that falls between them before San is clearing his throat.

"I get it. Okay then! Well, we'll be at our usuals if you change your mind."

"Probably not. But, have fun and be safe." 

"Thanks!" He says before he mumbles something to the rest of the group and hangs up the call. Wooyoung wraps up the movie and switches it to a college basketball documentary that's playing on the TV, only making it about 15 minutes more before he finds himself getting sleepy.

"Y/N." Wooyoung calls for you before he can fall asleep completely. "Let's get ready for bed so we can sleep." You let out a small whine before rubbing at your face, sitting up as Wooyoung follows suit. You sleepily waddle over to the bathroom to brush and floss your teeth with one eye barely open. You quickly check the clock outside, seeing that it's only about 11pm but it feels late. You feel exhausted. Wooyoung is tossing the trash away before wiping down your coffee table, shutting off the TV before grabbing his things from his bag. You quickly pee and wash your hands before walking over to the bed and letting Wooyoung take over the bathroom. 

The entire studio is dark at this point besides the bathroom light seeping from under the door in the corner, and for once, the dark doesn't seem so frightening, so lonely. 

So cold.

For once, the dark is soothing, is peaceful. For once, the dark is warmth because Wooyoung will be there no matter which direction you turn. You crawl under your covers, scooting towards the inside of your bed to make room for Wooyoung. He takes about 10 minutes before he shuts off the light and heads over to join you. He sheds off his hoodie and tosses it aside, slipping under the covers in his pajama pants and white tee. You continue to face him as he settles, his hand coming to your side to pull you a little closer.

"Wooyoung."

"Yeah, babygirl?"

"You know you don't have to stay at the hospital tomorrow, right? I'd be okay if you just dropped me off." He shakes his head.

"No, I don't mind. I'll stay."

"You sure?" You yawn.

"Mhm. I want to."

"You're gonna be so fired." He laughs.

"I've got hours, don't worry."

"Thank you."

"Stop thanking me, love. I'm only trying to take care of you properly." You sleepily smile at him while he kisses the tip of your nose. "We should probably sleep since we need to be up early tomorrow." You nod, his hand giving your side a squeeze. You initiate the kiss this time, feeling comfortable yet bold enough to give him a goodnight kiss. He holds it for a second longer before parting, chasing after your lips quickly after. You giggle when he starts to repeatedly kiss you and smiling into the kiss, almost having trouble prying himself off of you. "Okay, okay." He laughs. "Goodnight, pretty girl."

"Goodnight, Woo." You welcome yourself into his arms and almost fall asleep immediately, his arms feeling like home to you.

The next morning comes, and you and Wooyoung are off to the hospital about 30-mins after visiting hours begin. You found it hard to sleep fully throughout the night, anxious and scared a call from the hospital would come through about changes in Papa's status. But, thankfully, none of the sort happened, and Wooyoung did his best to keep you comfortable throughout the night by whispering his reassurances against your head.

Through sweet, gentle touches and squeezes. 

To your relief, Papa looks brighter and more alert when you walk in. He's already slowly going through his oatmeal, the morning news on the TV screen. He smiles when he sees the both of you walk in, loosely hand-in-hand. You happily walk over to Papa and hug him, sitting on the edge of his bed while you place a hand on his forehead.

"How'd you sleep?" You ask, his temp feeling way better than the past days.

"Good! I was in a deep sleep." You laugh.

"No pain or anything?" He shakes his head. "Good. Everything seems to be working. You might be outta here tomorrow!"

"I just might." He chuckles. "The nurse said she was gonna come back and wash me up. Was hoping to get me up and walking around to get some movement in, too."

"That's a good idea. Let's go on a walk later." Wooyoung says as he sits on the chair by his bed. You nod in agreement, watching as Papa continues to eat away at his oatmeal and fruits. 

"Do you need to go home?"

"Mm." Wooyoung looks at his phone. "I was going to just to make some food for us."

"You should go. We'll be fine."

"You sure?"

"Yes." You give him a look, and he can't help but return the look in a playful manner.

"I'll go in a bit, but I'll be quick when I do." He tugs on your hand. "Come sit and relax." You sit in the empty chair next to Wooyoung. You continue to ask Papa about his night and if the doctor visited this morning. He says yes, sharing the optimism from the doctor despite the fact that he'll have to make a few lifestyle changes moving forward. You share in the excitement, agreeing that Papa looks way better and seems to be progressing back to his old self. You and Wooyoung let him know that you'll be there every step of the way, making sure those changes are implemented smoothly. Papa starts to tell you about his dream, and how he was hiking up a tall mountain without any issue. At the end of the trail was a beautiful view of a city, but he couldn't pinpoint where exactly. He describes all the pretty flowers blossoming on his way to the top, the sky clear and blue. He jokes about how he hopes he can make it come true soon, even if its a local hike. You chuckle, telling him he needs to take it easy for awhile until he fully regains strength and he remains stable for a good period. Wooyoung chimes in, volunteering to join him when that time comes.

When the conversation settles, Wooyoung takes this as an opportunity to head out so he can come back right away. He heads back to his apartment to whip up a good lunch and dinner [along with whatever snacks are lying around] to pack up for the two of you to grub on. While he occupies himself with food prep, he calls San to check on him and to ask him how the night went. As expected, his bestfriend is hung over as shit at work, groaning and complaining about how he drank too much and should've paced himself knowing he had work. Wooyoung laughs at him over the phone, giving him his own version of an 'i told you so' before San lowly cusses him out. He asks about you and Papa and if everything seems to be better. Wooyoung lets him know that Papa's improved, and that he was able to talk everything out with you. There's another silence that falls between them and it's because San simply isn't used to this Wooyoung. He's used to the Wooyoung that was a 'lil shit, playing his game and being up and about no matter what the time or day was. He's used to the Wooyoung that wasn't messing with serious relationships and the Wooyoung that had to give the 'i think you should go' talk after every fuck. Or the 'it was never supposed to get this serious' talk when the girls would find themselves talking to him about feelings.

It's just been a long, long time since San has seen this Wooyoung, and quite frankly, he wasn't sure if he would ever see it again. But, don't get him wrong. He is happy for you two, and it's almost like fresh air hearing Wooyoung talk about you the way he does. He's gonna have to get used to seeing less and less of him, and that's fine— as long as Wooyoung was genuinely happy.

RIP to those days, though. It was fun while it lasted!

Once Wooyoung finally finishes whipping up some food and packing it away, he grabs a few other necessities; fully expecting to be with you tonight so that he can help you with Papa's potential release tomorrow. He's glad he told work he'd be out for the week. Even though it was a bit last minute, he does have a shit ton of PTO and sick hours accumulated that he doesn't mind using if it meant he'd be with you.

God, he really fucking likes you. 

So much that Wooyoung finds a 'lil pep in his step walking back to his car, plopping the bag of food right onto his passenger's seat— buckling it up to keep it safe and steady. He blasts his music out of the parking lot, Mr. Donnell Jones coming through on his speakers with U Know What's Up. He sings along until he's rudely interrupted by a call coming through from his sister.

"Damn, Jiwoo. You couldn't call any other time?" Wooyoung clicks his teeth. "What is it?"

"I just got back to my apartment from the airport, jeez. Can I swing by?"

"No. I just left."

"Then do you think you can stop by really quickly? I got you a few things from Japan." Which, as we've learned, is Jiwoo's way of apologizing without having to flat out apologize to her brother. Wooyoung rolls his eyes and lets out a sigh, shaking his head as if she can see him.

"Can't either."

"Why not?"

"Because. I'm on the way to the hospital."

"Uh. For what?"

"Well, while you were too busy being all upsetti-spaghetti, Papa's been in the hospital."

"What? Why didn't Y/N tell me anything?! Oh my god—"

"Jiwoo, if I were her, I would not be thinking about you first either." Wooyoung furrows his brows as he continues to drive off. "Besides, you being the good ol' bestfriend you are, kicked her outta your place, remember? I don't think she necessarily feels like she can come to you right now."

"Fuck." Jiwoo whines, feeling guilty about everything. She knows she was a tad too harsh, and she knows she should've come to you first. But, she was waiting until she could see you in person to apologize for the way she acted. "Which hospital?"

"SNU."

"I'll be there soon with Joong." 

"Don't come if you plan on yelling some more."

"I'm not! I need to see my bestfriend, Wooyoung. You can't have her to yourself."

"Can't hear you—" With that, Wooyoung abruptly ends the call. He drives into the garage and finds a spot on the third level, carrying the bag of food he made in his hand before making the trek over to Papa's room. 

"You're back." Your eyes twinkle when you see him walk in and he can't help but smile.

"That, I am." He presses a kiss to your temple. "I made some food for lunch and dinner. Or else my groceries were gonna go bad."

"Wow, okay chef." You laugh. "Thank you, Woo." 

"Mhm." He responds in a sing-song tone before turning to Papa, who is now coming out of the bathroom with his nurse. "He's up."

"He is!" She answers.

"Am I allowed to take him on a walk and get some steps in?"

"No, please. Go for it. Thank you." The nurse steps aside to let Wooyoung guide Papa and the IV pole out into the hallway. The nurse watches them until they head out, returning her attention back to you once they leave.

"Is that your boyfriend?"

"Mm. A friend that's a boy?" You tease with a small laugh. She gets it though, and she knows. You didn't even have to say it because she can clearly see it through Wooyoung's actions alone.

"Well, he seems to care a lot about you and your grandfather. It's very sweet."

"He is." You give her a toothless smile. "Thank you for taking care of him. I really appreciate it."

"No problem. He's been good, so I'm more than sure he'll be out of here tomorrow." You nod, watching as she walks out of the room. You sit back and look through the bag Wooyoung brought, giggling to yourself when there's a whole bag of sour punch straws and other random snacks surrounding the tupperwares. You pick at the tiny bag of biscoff cookies, nibbling onto one as you sit back and catch up on one of the podcasts you actively follow. 

Just as Wooyoung and Papa come back into the room about 30 minutes later, you scurry off to the bathroom down the hall. At this point, Jiwoo and Hongjoong barely miss you as they turn the corner and approach the room. Wooyoung is helping Papa get situated properly back in the bed post-walk, the two talking about the episode from his cooking show that's currently playing on TV. When he turns towards the door and catches Jiwoo'a figure, he gives her a small nod of acknowledgement.

"Joong, I think an intruder snuck in with you." Jiwoo rolls her eyes while Hongjoong laughs it off, the two of them formally greeting Papa and checking in with him. Jiwoo looks around the room, making sure she hasn't missed you before turning to her brother.

"Where'd she go?"

"Bathroom." Wooyoung gives his sister a particular look. 

"Don't give me that look." She pouts a bit and he shrugs.

"What else am I supposed to do?" Is all he says before you appear in the doorway, pausing in your steps when you noticed the additional visitors in the room.

"Oh. Hi—" Jiwoo comes rushing over, pulling you into the biggest bear hug known to man. At first, you're caught off guard even though this has happened during silly little one-off fights with Jiwoo in the past. But, once you've gotten over the initial feeling, you slowly wrap your arms around her and rest in her hold.

"I'm so sorry, Y/N. I really am so sorry. I shouldn't have done all of that, I shouldn't have yelled and kicked you out— I'm so sorry." She mumbles against you. "You must've felt so alone. I'm sorry. I wanted to wait until I saw you in person again but Wooyoung told me Papa was here so I had to come. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have gotten so angry and said those things—" She continues to repeat until she's basically sobbing in your arms, the three men in the back minding their own business and giving you two space.

"It's fine, Jiwoo. Stop apologizing."

"No, it's not." She pulls back and looks at you with a pout, brushing your hair back. "I treated you so poorly and unfairly and I'm so sorry."

"It's okay. I probably would've reacted the same way if I was in your shoes. It's fine. We're okay."

"Are you sure we are? I promise I'll make it up to you."

"Stop that. You don't need to, okay? I promise we're fine." She lets out a sigh and examines your features, somewhat relieved you don't seem too exhausted or stressed from everything going on.

"Are you and my brother good? Did you talk it out?"

"We did."

"So, is this a thing now?" She points between you and him, and you nod timidly.

"Y-yeah. It is. I hope you're not mad."

"I'm not. I'm only slightly grossed out just cause it's Wooyoung, but I'm not mad. You just let me know if he messes up ever again, okay? I'm sorry, Y/N. And wait, don't think about replacing me with him either." You snort, shaking your head at her. She hugs you tightly again before holding your hand and bringing you to the gift bags she set aside at the corner of the room. She hands you and Papa a gift bag, while shoving Wooyoung's his way. Her and Hongjoong tell you a little bit about the trip, but they don't go into too much detail before they start asking about Papa and how he had been feeling. As the conversation continues, Jiwoo notices the way Wooyoung completely changes around you [in a good way]. He's got you on his lap, hand gently caressing your arm. It looks so natural and so.. meant to be [and so not out of place] that Jiwoo can't even be mad or find a reason to justify her past actions. He cares about you, and you with him.

All she's ever wanted was for you to be happy, for Wooyoung to be genuinely happy. She's not gonna lie— it does melt her heart a bit to see it live.

They hang around for a good hour or so before Jiwoo and Hongjoong give Papa some time to rest; Wooyoung offering to walk them back to the car while you stay behind and sit with him as he falls into an afternoon nap. Hongjoong quickly runs over to the bathroom, leaving Jiwoo and her brother alone momentarily.

"You really care about her." Jiwoo says softly.

"Yeah, I do." He stuffs his hands in his pockets and kicks at the imaginary rocks below his feet.

"Don't fuck this up, okay?" She looks at him. "Seriously, I'll beat your ass if you hurt her."

"I won't, Jiwoo." He says, slightly annoyed. But, he knows she means well and is just being your bestfriend. "Could help if you had a little more hope in me, you know?"

"Okay. I'm sorry." She sighs. "So, what are your plans with her? You haven't asked her out officially, right?"

"Well, that's why I'm gonna take her out on a date once Papa's out and better."

"To where?"

"To mind your own business, that's where." He looks at her with a brow cocked up and she rolls her eyes.

"Idiot." He snorts.

"Actually.. I have a few ideas but there's this one I really like. Think she might have fun and enjoy it with me."

—TAGLIST: @asjkdk @interweab @woojirang @svintsandghosts @cheolliehugs @persphonesorchid @mxnsxngie @jycas @cowboydk @heyitsmetonid @ldysmfrst @intaksfav @wooyoungsbrat @hyukssunflower @yunhoswrldddd @gotthicbish @thespiffynerd @jaytheatiny @yoonrixx @aurorajoye @i-love-ateez @starrywoo @bitejoongie @thedistractedwriter @dalsuwaha @huachengsbestie01

[leighsartworks216]

My Love Mine All Mine

Zayne x gn!Reader

The day I stop addressing my traumas through silly little fics is the day I lose all whimsy. Also, fuck Astra. I fist fought him behind the Lowe's just so Zayne could say "I love you" because it's what he deserves!!

Title named after "My Love Mine All Mine" by Mitski

Warnings: kissing, declarations of love, references to past mental/emotional abuse, communication, blushing

Word Count: 978

Main Masterlist

Love and Deepspace Masterlist

AO3

Tag List Form

“I love you.”

You blink dumbly at Zayne’s blushing face. He’s doing his best not to turn his head away. Distracting himself by looking at your cheek cradled in his hand.

He gathered up all this effort, just to tell you he loves you. Your heart stutters in your chest, for more reasons than just his confession.

“I… I’m sorry,” you whisper out. He blinks at you as you scoot away from him, retracting his hand quickly.

He frowns. “Are you alright? Did I hurt you?” He subtly closes his hand in his lap, feeling for some hint of ice that he may not have noticed. But all he feels is his palm, as warm and smooth as ever.

You shake your head. God, why this? Why right now? Why couldn’t you have worked up the courage to mention it sooner? This had to be karma nipping it in the bud for you. You groan, hiding your face in your hands. Your cheeks burn with embarrassment.

“No, no, I’m okay, Zayne. It’s-” You sigh. That beautiful blushing face of his put to waste because of your stupid hang up. “It’s not you, I swear. And it’s not…” It hurts trying to admit this to him in such a roundabout way.

“Talk to me,” he implores you. He hesitates before reaching out to gently pull your hands from your face. “It’s not…?”

You hold his hands, searching for solace in the care they give to you. The first time you held his hand, you were surprised by how soft they were. The only rough spots were small calluses built up over time from using a pen and a scalpel, and the scars on the back. You messily trace them, mindlessly seeking out every imperfection.

“It’s not… unrequited.”

He wishes you’d look him in the eyes. “But?”

You squeeze his hands tighter.

“You don’t have to tell me right now if you don’t want to.”

“No, I- You should know. I kept meaning to tell you, but every time we get together, I just get so swept up in everything.” You intertwine your fingers with one of his hands and bring his knuckles up to your lips.

It should be so easy to spill your guts out to him, but the blade cutting open your abdomen still hurts the same, regardless of who you do it for.

It takes you a few false starts, before you’re finally able to piece together what you want to say. “I have a hard time saying… saying it back. No matter who it is, I just… can’t. My ex would force me to say it back. Every night. Whenever they wanted it. So now trying to say it, even if I really, really mean it and really, really want to… it feels like I’m being forced to all over again.”

Zayne sighs softly. He gently pries his hand from yours and cups your cheek, guiding your face to finally look at him. His eyes are so soft. Green and hazel irises full of warmth and understanding. “Thank you for telling me.” His face turns serious, but not angry. Never angry, not for something like this. “Listen to me: I will never force you to say it back. We can find other ways to communicate it to each other.”

You let yourself relax. He’s not mad. He’s not going to demand the words from you. He’s not your ex. He’s your boyfriend. Your incredible boyfriend.

You lean your face into his palm. He smiles softly and happily accepts your trust.

“Like what?” you ask.

“Well, if speaking it is difficult, maybe you’d be more receptive to something physical?” He lifts your hand from your lap, turning it over so your palm faces the ceiling. He delicately traces shapes into your awaiting palm. It’s a familiar pattern, one he’s traced into your skin nearly every time you’re together, whether that be your hand, your hip, or even your leg.

You watch with a slight frown. “But you do that all the time.”

“Mhm.”

Your eyes shoot up to his when the meaning clicks. He’s looking at your cheeks again, blush heating up his ears. You’re sure you’re no better.

“Then… what if I do this?”

He watches as you reach forward and brush his hair from his eyes. He sighs softly as your fingers trail down his cheek to hold his jaw. You run your thumb just under his bottom lip. It takes all his effort not to shiver.

“Or… this.” You drag your thumb along his lip now, pulling it down slightly. He leans toward it without thinking, eyes half-lidded and breath hitching in his throat. He pulls you forward to close the gap you made before.

Watching him give into your touch like this is nothing short of addicting. Every time you caress his cheek, touch his chin - it’s like all his rational thoughts are thrown straight out the window.

There’s no space on the couch between you any more. You’re seconds away from climbing into his lap. His hand rests on your hip, a silent encouragement to keep going.

“Or…”

You lean forward and press your forehead to his. Your noses brush together. Air passes in quiet gasps in the few centimeters left. Pink spans across both his cheeks. It’s one of the most beautiful things you’ve ever seen. To think you were so scared of wasting it earlier, when he would be honored to share his exposed feelings with you all the time like this.

“This…?”

Your lips touch. It’s delicate, chaste, quick. Zayne’s breath shudders with emotion. You don’t get the chance to pull away. His hand on your cheek draws you in, over and over again. Lips move with barely restrained passion. A silent exclamation that puts your heart at ease.

I love you. I love you. I love you.

---

Tag List:

@the-golden-jhope @deepzombieyouth @huen1ngk41 @armycaratlover

[ringsreforged]

Natalie's *deep* Haladriel thoughts - BEWARE

Pau - When you read this later, let me know if you want me to move it to my personal account, yeah? If it even still exists...

I’m not really sure what this post is going to end up being. A defence of the show and the separation? In part! A critique of the show based off leak spoilers and my own gut feeling? For sure! A desperate ramble in an attempt to get my head in order? Absolutely!

I will say before we dive in that I’m absolutely a Haladriel shipper, but the way I ship isn’t always in line with fandom. I ship what I see as part of the narrative because it’s the narrative, and everything else is a bonus. I make this distinction because I think this is why I’m so okay with a lack of scenes when some others are not, and I don’t want to come across preachy. I don't think I'm in any way superior for this by the way. In fact, I wish I could be more *normal*!!!!

If you came to this show for Haladriel alone, and simply want to see them share scenes week to week – that’s your prerogative. I’m not trying to say you shouldn’t feel that way. What I might try to say is that I don’t think that makes the shows bad or suggests that the writers have baited with this relationship. I think that’s ultimately what I find frustrating…

But anyway, let’s get into whatever this is. A reflection on expectations, a five-season arc, and those STUPID spoiler leaks…

AND THERE WILL BE SPOILERS. STAY AWAY. HISS.

Alright, so this post is mostly brought to you by a sinking feeling I have that the leak spoilers are real. Because everything in that episode 7 promo matches up.

STOP READING if you don’t want to know the spoilers. And honestly? STOP READING IF YOU THINK YOU WANT TO KNOW because living with this knowledge has truly made this season less enjoyable for me (credit to it, then, because I still think it’s incredible). IF I’M MAKING YOU PANIC, STILL STOP READING because there very much is a world where these spoilers aren’t that bad in context…but I prefer to keep my expectations low…

Have you gone???

HAVE YOU GONE?????

SPOILER TALK

Okay.

So, the leak spoilers say that there is no kiss between Sauron and Galadriel (which, honestly, I have no great issue with – more to come on that later). Instead, the kiss is ELROND AND GALADRIEL, and I absolutely do take issue with this.

I can only hope and PRAY that it works in context, but I can’t get my head around it. And yet, the promo…it’s all falling into place. Elrond will be sent to discuss terms with the orcs before the battle. He’ll see Galadriel in chains, and he’ll ask for a moment to say goodbye. Adar will allow it because he’s a gent like that. This is where we get the chin touch with the thumb everyone speculated over and then…HE LEANS IN AND KISSES HER TO PUT A NEEDLE IN HER MOUTH? SO SHE CAN RELEASE HERSELF LATER??

To clarify, most of this is my spec, but THE KISS TO PASS HER A NEEDLE IS A REAL LEAKED SPOILER THAT NO LONGER SEEMS FAKE.

It's just…so convoluted and weird??? Does he store needles in his mouth like a squirrel? Why couldn’t he have slipped the needle into her hand??? WHY ARE YOU PUTTING ELROND’S LIPS ON GALADRIEL’S?

And look, maybe this spoiler IS still fake! But the details were so specific, and everything about the context seems to be accurate, so that feels like it would be a bonkers coincidence to me. Maybe when we actually see it play out, it will be fine.

But that does bring me back to the Haladriel of it all, just briefly. With my whole heart, I do not need them to kiss. After season 1, I didn’t think it would be possible, and I’m okay with that. But if you’re willing to let ELROND’S lips touch her, then MY GOD, you could have let Haladriel have ONE kiss where she’s trying to distract him or some shit. OOF.

My only relief is that it happens next week, so we can hopefully get it out of our systems and enjoy the finale.

That said, if these leaks are true then that also means the finale leaks are true. Now, I actually never wanted to see any of these spoilers (hence me making it VERY CLEAR what this post is about, because I wouldn’t inflict this stress on anyone unwillingly), so once I got the Elrond kiss details, I tried to get away without seeing much else. But there was some information on the big Haladriel scene.

I’m actually not going to detail it here, because – overall – I think we’ll still super enjoy it (just…lower those kiss expectations) AND because I don’t think all of it was spoiled. At the end of the day, there will be plenty to unpack, they’ll be back on our screens, it will be meaty, it will be layered. I’m really looking forward to it, in general.

My one fear is that it’s a season 1 finale repeat. And again, that won’t necessarily be bad per se, but it will feel a little bit underwhelming. Now, I’m not somebody that wants a true corruption arc for Galadriel. Normally, I love that shit, but not in this IP and not with this character. I want to see her explore her darkness, I want to see her face it and accept it, and I certainly want to see her be tempted…but I don’t expect or believe we'll ever actually get the whole ‘dark queen of Mordor’ vibe. Prisoner? Maybe. But not an actual dark queen.

That said…surely this scene doesn’t play out the EXACT same way as season 1? Sauron shows her a vision, she’s tempted, but ultimately resists and tells him she’ll never be at his side. I just don’t get why we’d repeat that, when there are so many other options that still keep Gal on the side of light.

I keep coming back to Galadriel’s line to Elrond in episode 4 – when it comes down to it, he has to choose to defeat Sauron and sacrifice her. I feel like if I hadn’t seen the leaks, then I would be 1000% expecting this to be the outcome. Especially with how Elrond’s theme comes in at the end of The Last Temptation track. He comes upon the confrontation but chooses to do the thing that will harm Sauron in the long run, rather than the thing that will save Galadriel.

I hope so badly for this, but I do worry that it will go the other way. What if it parallels Gandalfanger’s destiny/friend choice, and Elrond chooses her because THAT is how light wins or some shit? Not that this will be a bad scene by any stretch – I love their relationship and want to see their FRIENDSHIP (grrrr) reforged…but, again, the S1 finale! Sauron left her in the water, and Elrond was there to save her.

There’s also Galadriel’s conversation with Adar in the most recent episode – you succumbed, I resisted – but I guess this could go either way? He succumbed, so she resists. She insists she’s able to resist, so she succumbs. URGH. MY HEAD.

There MUST be a difference. SURELY??? Like, this season has been so well written…I just can’t comprehend the copy and paste.

Again, this isn’t anything close to a deal breaker for me. I firmly believe the showrunners when they say this relationship will remain the core of the show, but…hmmm. Okay, on that note…

DAMAGE CONTROL – MOVING ONTO THE DEFENCE OF THE SHOW

So, this is where I want to get into some stuff that I just…don’t agree with that I’ve seen being thrown at the show by shippers. And I’ll reiterate here that I’m truly not telling anybody what to feel. You can hate the show for its choices and feel how you feel. You can express yourself in your social media spaces, and if anybody doesn’t like it they can mute/block/unfollow. This chunk isn’t really aimed at you guys.

This is more for other people like me, because I’m cursed to be somebody that generally wants to just…enjoy things for what they are, while also being susceptible to the mood of others. I want to scroll tags and have a good time, rather than see negativity because it lowers my mood (this isn’t just ship related by the way, I really love this show overall…it’s just this tag that has been impacting my mood most this season). Regardless of the nonsense that might be in episode 7, and even if the finale scene is a repeat of S1, I’m still going to want to focus on enjoying what we get, enjoying the narrative being told etc. So, for those of you that have a little sinking feeling in your gut after the first half of this post, hopefully this second half will help.

This isn’t a ‘typical’ ship. This is a true ENEMIES ARE ENEMIES dynamic where the bad boy is ultimately going to be (is already) pure evil, and where our heroine is the embodiment of light. There are certain things that we just have to accept when it comes to loving this dynamic as part of the show – there will never be another season like season 1. Nor should there be?

Do I wish for s3 to have them in close proximity for at least a few episodes? Of course! Do I think it’s possible with or without finale spoilers? Absolutely (given how quickly characters travel from place to place on this show, they could end the season at opposite ends of Middle Earth and this would still be on the cards…). I’m also anticipating Season 4 as a good time for them to be in full MIND PALACE mode – where the rings are all ringing, but Galadriel hasn’t yet worked out how to shut him out yet. By season 5, there might just be one final scene before the final battle. But, again, I really do think there needs to be a little bit of acceptance of that. Or, at least, expectation of it.

Something I really want to push back against is this idea that Haladriel was baited or teased, but the writers don’t actually care for it. Honestly, that’s nonsense to me on a couple of levels.

First of all, almost EVERY dynamic this season has been reduced to a handful of scenes here and there. The most consistent relationships have probably been Annatar and Celebrimbor, and Durin+Durin+Disa (off the top of my head). Elrond and Durin (probably the other most popular dynamic of S1) have been apart all season, Elrond and Galadriel have too. Isildur popped up to say hello and we might not see him again.

When you actually stop and look at this season…Sauron and Galadriel had to be separated. She could not be anywhere near him while he’s working Celebrimbor, and there’s no world in which they were ever going to change that narrative. And yet, the Sauron and Galadriel dynamic has been consistent across the season. With Galadriel predominantly (and depending on how the finale goes, I may have thoughts on this), but it has also been easier with her because people have talked with her openly about Sauron. It’s been harder on his side, but the fact that Mirdania seems to have been cast to look like Galadriel honestly – right now – feels like it was done with the express purpose of giving Sauron a Galadriel reference.

Again, I’m not saying you have to like the lack of scenes, but it’s not bad writing to respect the overarching narrative of an ensemble show. Galadriel’s season has been all about him, and we’ve had countless insights to make that clear – building up to their final confrontation. If Sauron was running around mentioning Galadriel every five seconds with Celebrimbor or with the dwarves, it would be horrendously out of character.

This next comment is…somewhat dependent on the finale…but as somebody that loves Elendil and Miriel, everything in Numenor has been somewhat crammed in. I would firmly argue that the Galadriel/Sauron dynamic across this season has been treated with care and reverence, all building to a climax designed as the high point of the season. Will we be 100% satisfied? Who can say! But it IS what the season is building to.

I think this brings me around to a particular gripe I have, and maybe the people that believe this came to the show after S1 had fully aired or something…but there’s this idea floating around that the showrunners don’t like this dynamic and are just giving it crumbs to bait people into watching. This makes me want to scream.

These showrunners literally took a few lines about Galadriel being tempted by Sauron and PITCHED THE ENTIRE SHOW OFF OF THAT. The Tolkien estate wasn’t only pitched by Amazon BUT CHOSE THIS PITCH OVER ANYTHING ELSE. Season 1 was written pretty much like a prologue centred around GALADRIEL AND SAURON HAVING A PERSONAL CONNECTION WITH ROMANTIC UNDERTONES…and guess what?

They wrote all that…they filmed ALL THAT…before knowing anything about the audience reaction! That was ALL the showrunners, the writers, the directors, the actors. They ARE the narrative. They are not bait.

Does that mean the fundamentals of their dynamic will always please you, individually? No, of course not. Some people want outright romance, some people want soft Sauron, some people want Dark Galadriel. Will they kiss? I doubt it. Do I wish they would? Sure! Will they be separated again next season? Probably! Will I also wish that they could at least be stuck together for a run of episodes again? Absolutely!

But the idea that any of this is bait, or unimportant to the show drives me a little bit bonkers.

I guess my personal feeling of frustration comes from the fact that I feel so lucky they are exploring this show from the perspective of this dynamic, regardless of specific details/scenes. I’d bet my house (I don’t own a house) that every other pitch hinged on Elendil or Isildur as the protagonists of the show. Now, I love those dudes, but just IMAGINE? The fact that we’re on this path at all is still WILD to me.

ANYWAY, this is what happens when Paulina goes on holiday and I have nobody to ramble too. Sorry for the explosion, but I’ve been dreading the stupid kiss spoiler since I stumbled on it after EPISODE BLOODY 3 and so I needed to vent somewhere.

TL;DR: You are welcome to feel the way you feel, and if you hate everything you go right ahead, but maybe this makes sense to somebody. IDK. IDK.

[cartoonsinthemorning]

Ford and stan portal adventures

This is too vague for me to draw, BUT I can yap about it at length. Let's say this is an AU were, after their canonical fight, and activation of the portal, the diverge is that they BOTH get snatched inside. So we have a slowburn scenario were the 28yo twins end up in the multiverse together, having to rely on each other to survive in these bizarro worlds despite hating each other guts, but gradually mending their relationship. Best part of this scenario would be the sexual tension, at the beginning, when they keep have shouting matches but you can tell in good part it's to mask the frustration, because they missed each other and secretly want to make out. They would settle for more punching, turned wrestling match on the floor, turned wrestling with less clothes on. OH and you know what else would be fun, if this was a fanfic written by someone with crazy skills?? If, by the time they finally start to fuck regularly, the weird ass world they end up boning in is somehow integrated into the act. Idk idk, head empty, I can't come up with an example. But my imaginary Chad Writer would come up with something genius.

Now though. Funny coinky-dence that I'm answering to your message now, because just today I've seen a somewhat related fan art that really got my gears going:

So, dude58915 on twitter came up with this version, were 28yo Mullet Stan gets into the portal instead of Ford, but, once there, meets a much older Ford, from yet another dimension. NOW THAT'S what I want to see!! DAMN.

Imagine Stan seeing this masked dude- a suspicious bloke for sure- but still a HUMAN. He'd run after him, telling the mysterious man they should stick together, be a team! He's the only human he's ever seen in DAYS, since he ended up in this creepy shithole! And old!Ford just jerks his arm free from Stan's desperate grip, telling the younger man, coldly, that he's gonna have to make it on his own, before turning around to follow the coordinates on his multi-navigator, leaving Stan alone. Because Ford hates him. Ford hates Stan, even this one, even this Stan that evidently ended up in the portal, punished for his own stupid mistakes, for once. This Stan will die, and he deserves it, and Ford doesn't care. Expect that when he hears Stan scream, as he's getting attacked by some monster, Ford turns around and runs to save him.

And from that moment on, this Ford takes Stan under his wing, taking him to the next dimension with him. Ford's plan is to train this Stan decently enough- all the while keeping his own identity concealed- until the young man is able to fend for himself, and Ford will abandon him for real, this time.

Except that...this Stan doesn't know who Ford is, so he doesn't express any resentment or hate towards him. On the contrary: despite the old men being so cold and sometimes rude to him, resulting in /some/ shouting matches, Stan is grateful, and clearly fascinated by the cloaked man and his knowledge and fighting skills. Stan is like a clingy puppy...and Ford loves it. He would never EVER admit it to himself, but he does. He didn't feel this pleased, this important, in forever. And maybe, he's never seen Stann look at him with this level of adoration before, not even when they were kids. I'm gonna cut it short to the crass part: Stan has daddy issues, and gets incredibly attached to Ford, wants to please him. The "masked man" would inevitably get the hardest boner, feeling so needed, so special, the Sun itself that Stan gravitates around. They'd fuck. HELL, they'd end up making tender love, sometimes. And Ford would need to be extra careful, because he enjoys this docile, obedient Stan sucking his cock (figuratively and physically), and it would be a real shame if Stan was to find out it's just another version of his hated brother, he's ended up worshipping and taking inside him every night. Ford guesses the young man would be quite mad about the truth.

And with this ominous cliffhanger, I'll stop yapping, it's dinner time.

[elfieafterdark]

You were, and I say this incredibly lightly Harrow, so fucking stupid dude. For starters, it's a fucking pommel. Call it a pommel you dumb fuck.

We're walking down some innocuous hallway on the space station thing. I keep forgetting its name because it's pretentious and not sexy. But anyways you walked down this hallway (The sexiness of your walk was up for debate, I mean, is it really sexy if the exoskeleton is doing all the work for you?)

The interior was silent, save for the dim whirr of machinery and the faint hiss of piping pumping that sweet sweet oxygen into the room. You were very tired, but that's nothing new. Ever since that ORTUS guy broke through your excessive bone wards you haven't slept a wink.

That's probably why I have so much free reign actually, did you know I can sort of hear your thoughts. They're pretty gay I'm not gonna lie.

Your room offered no safety now, though arguably neither did your new sanctum. Harrow my dear, I hope you can tell how much dripping, succulent venom I injected into that word. Because I do not like this blonde haggette in the slightest.

You shuffle, and rub your neck. Seemingly aware of me again, but that's fine, so long as you think I'm one of your normal hallucinations you won't bleed out your ears too much.

Plus, I'm here, and you can heal. It's fine, walk it off champ. I'm not going anywhere, you saw to that didn't you? Anyways that fucking skank is in her room already, with all of the sexy rocking pictures on the walls.

Got to say my midnight mistress, if I ever managed to escape the prison that is your head we got to try that out. Obviously I wouldn't say that directly to you because you would probably rip my bones out of my body all at once.

Look, I'm just saying... No one can pull off the starved, and slightly deranged look, but you come close.

Anyways, I feel like I'm getting distracted here. You walk in, she says some dumb shit I don't care about, and you scowl at her.

Atta gal.

God, I can't believe you sleep in her bed. I mean I get that the redhead is scary, but damn. She wants to rearrange your guts Harrow, and not in the deadly way.

I hate her. Anyways, I'm not exactly sure why I decided to pay attention here, because you just went to sleep. Which let me chill, thank fuck.

But then something really weird happened Harrow. I still don't understand it, it hasn't really happened since I came back; since I wound up stuck in your head but...

You left.

Completely. What the fuck? It's so quiet in here without you. Unacceptable.

I waited impatiently all damned night, unable to stop my silent vigil even if I wanted to. Listening to you breathe so softly and delicately while Ianthe snores like a dick.

I only rest once I feel you returning, from wherever you went. Don't you fucking dare make a habit out of this Nonagesmius, because... Ironically...

I can't conceive of a universe without you in it, and I died to make sure it never happened.

So fucking stupid... Don't do that again.

[thedemisapphic]

This is a mini fic- I got an idea and I just want to write it here. I might also put it on AO3 but right now it will live on Tumblr. I’ve never made a post like this before so let me know what you think!

Setting: Between S2 and The Movie.

🟥

It had been an incredibly draining month. Since the Shredder, Raph’s been trying his best to help Leo adjust to being the new leader. Giving him some advice here and there, telling him how a leader would navigate different situations. Leo seemed to appreciate the help at first. He tried to organize the team as best as he could, would take Raph’s advice to heart. Raph could tell he had it in him. He was strategic and smart, had everything he needed to do it. And it made Raph feel like he shed a hundred pounds. A burden he didn’t know he’d been carrying until it was gone. For so long he was the one who had to do everything for everyone. Protect them, lead them, be the voice of reason. He never asked for it. That’s just what happened. But he didn’t have to do any of that anymore. It was actually really nice to step out if those shoes and let Leo take over. He finally got a chance to breathe deep and let anxiety stop festering in his gut.

But then things started to get sour.

Leo started biting back at Raph’s advice. His effort dwindling. The team suffered when he dropped the ball and Raph tried to touch base, see what was happening. But Leo wouldn’t talk about it. Wouldn’t budge. Raph was still there to support him as a big brother, though. And he tried. He really tried. But Leo became agitated. Raph figured he might need some extra help, so he tried to offer more advice, but in a way so Leo should be able to figure it out on his own. Because Raph didn’t want to do it for him. And Leo just got frustrated and angry. Mikey and Donnie were starting to notice at this point, too.

Things changed around the house, too. Leo kept picking fights with him. Eventually, Raph bit back. And their fights got a lot worse. Every little thing they did got on each other’s nerves. That stupid cocky grin Leo puts up when he thinks he’s winning an argument. Raph’s snoring at ungodly hours of the night. Leo not taking things seriously. Raph taking up too much room in the tank. Leo running away from confrontation and making Raph look like the bad guy. Raph’s little notes around the kitchen saying what’s his. Leo’s comic books being left everywhere. Raph’s pep talks. Leo’s voice. Raph’s voice.

They couldn’t stand each other.

Raph didn’t know what he did wrong. He was trying to help. It’s not like he completely hated Leo, but Leo was basically asking for it. Raph knows Leo is capable of being a good leader. He has the potential. And Leo knows how to do it, too. He just isn’t for some reason. And it’s forcing Raph to slip back into those uncomfortable shoes that don’t feel like they fit anymore just to keep things going. Try to step in as leader where he can, the stress and anxiety a lot worse than he remembered it being after stepping away from it. He didn’t know how he was able to handle it for so long but he could take this much longer.

Today wasn’t any different. Raph woke up and found Leo already in the kitchen with Mikey. Leo was sitting at the bar eating something Mikey made while Mikey made himself food. Dread and frustration crowded his skull and Raph tried to ignore it, looking around for something to eat.

“Hey, Raph!” Mikey said. Raph grumbled back, grabbing some orange juice. “… Um, me and Donnie were thinking, maybe today we could have a family day??” He said. Raph heard Leo scoff,

“Donnie wants to have family time?”

“He’s not the one that surprises me,” Raph said, pouring himself a glass. Mikey jumped back in,

“Um, yeah! Well, we just thought it might be nice..! All four of us spending time together..!” Mikey said, voice high and nervous.

“Sure, Raph could use a break,” Raph said. He put the orange juice back in the fridge and sat down on the opposite end of the bar away from Leo.

“From what? I’m the leader now, not you,” Leo said. Raph closed his eyes and drank his juice through clenched teeth.

“Leo, do you want to come?”

“Wouldn’t miss it, Mikester,” Leo said. The room was quiet for a long time after that.

“Coooooool… I’ll let Donnie know-“

“I’ll do it-“ Leo said, getting up and leaving. The second he left the room Raph let out a sigh, shoulders loosening. It was quiet again.

“… You two talk, yet?” Mikey asked. Raph shook his head.

“I don’t know why he’s doin’ this…”

“I’m… sure he has a reason. You want me to make you something to eat?”

“Uh- nah, I’m good…” Raph said. Mikey took his plate and walked around the bar, sitting next to Raph. It was quiet again as he ate.

“… Don thought the arcade might be a good place to start. There’s one in the Hidden City we can go to.”

“That sounds good,” Raph said. Quiet. Mikey tried to start conversation a few more times but Raph just wasn’t feeling it.

“… I’m gonna make you something to eat,” Mikey finally said, getting up. Raph looked at him,

“Mike, you don’t have to do that-“

“I want to! We have a day of family fun ahead of us, let’s start it right,” he said. Raph smiled a little,

“Okay…” he said. Mikey smiled back at him as he got everything going, the quiet less tense than it was before. A bit later, Raph heard the twins bickering a bit as they both started to come closer.

“Chillax, you’re so serious!” Leo laughed. Raph huffed, not even wanting to know what Leo was doing. He kept his eyes shut, trying to ignore him. He felt Leo slap something on his shell but Donnie ripped it off quickly.

“Leo, can I go one morning without you causing trouble? Just one? We’re spending time together later, Raph don’t want a headache,” Raph said.

“Like I’d do anything like that,” Leo said. Raph pressed his palm into his face. We’re all gonna hang out today. Today’s going to be a good day. Raph heard a plate get placed in front of him.

“Thanks, Mikey,” Raph, said. He sat still for another moment, taking a breath before opening his eyes and looking at the eggs and toast before him. He took a bite of the eggs and immediately spat it out in disgust, gagging. Salt. Way too much salt. Mikey looked at him hurt before Leo started cackling in the corner of the room.

“You should have seen your face!!” Leo said. Raph knew it was an innocent prank. He shouldn’t be upset by it. But he just couldn’t take it anymore. He slid the plate aside and held his head in his hands, listening to Mikey get onto Leo for messing with the food he made.

“Raph, you okay..?” Donnie asked, a hand on his shoulder. Raph sucked in a shaky breath,

“I’m done,” he said.

“Wh- what?” Donnie asked.

“Leo wins. I’ll be leader again if that’s what it takes to end this. I’m done,” Raph said. Donnie stuttered for a second before Raph got up and left. He went to his room and stood there for a few seconds before the weight of it all crashed down on him and he started shaking. I don’t want to do this… I don’t want the burden back on me…

Raph wanted Leo to do what he was supposed to be doing so he could stop being impacted by it all. Wanted Leo to stop targeting him. He’d just finally realized that he can’t have both. Leo won’t stop until he gets his way. And Raph can’t live fighting him like this anymore. Something had to give, and it had to be him, or nothing would change.

Why can’t I have someone to tell me what to do… Why’s it always gotta be me?

Raph heard loud footsteps come down from the stairs.

“You’re really going to be leader again??” He asked. Raph hesitated.

“Yep…”

“About time. You’re more leader-y than I am, anyway,” Leo said, casually sitting on Raph’s bed. Raph looked at him,

“Is this what you wanted?” Raph asked. Leo looked at him with that same cocky grin he’s worn several times over, but it fell flat in an instant when he saw Raph’s face.

“I-… Raph, it was just salt, you don’t need to cry over it” Leo said, a new uncomfortable smile present. Raph flinched, shoulders tense.

“You don’t get it,” Raph said quietly.

“Oh right, because you know everything,” Leo said. Raph didn’t say anything and turned around to leave again, seeing Donnie and Mikey hiding outside the door. He didn’t want to be followed so he went to the only place he knew that had a lock. Donnie’s lab. He went in, and locked it behind him. Didn’t touch anything. Just sat against the door, feeling a little looser knowing he had some privacy. Don prob’ly won’t like that I’m in here… but if I don’t touch anything, I’m sure he won’t mind too much… Raph finally let himself crumble, tears flowing fast. He could feel the pounds get heavier on his shoulders the longer he sat there, anticipating everything he’d be responsible for again. Making sure they do everything right, having to come up with plans (which he wasn’t the best at), and having to keep everyone safe at the same time so they don’t die or get horribly injured. It was all on him again. Not just being the supportive big brother, which he was fine with. Liked, even. But now, everything is on him, again. He felt like he was suffocating and he wasn’t even on a mission. Just thinking about it was enough to make him feel choked.

Raph grabbed his face tight, wondering why he did this to himself. He’s the one that caved. He could have given Leo a few more chances. Leo had potential. He’s better at this than Raph is. By a lot. Raph saw it. He knew Leo would be a better leader than Raph ever was if he would just take it seriously. He felt a couple sobs escape his lungs and gasped, trying to stay quiet. It’s not like anyone would hear him. He came to the lab for privacy. But instinctively he just wanted to be quiet. Raph sat there like that for a while before he heard footsteps outside. Someone tried to open the lab and he heard Donnie’s voice recording on the other side.

“Locked. Come back later,” it said. Raph held his breath, listening.

“… Raph, I’m opening the door,” Donnie said. Raph panicked and scrambled to his feet, scrubbing his face as he listened to Donnie punch in a code. The door to the lab opened and all three of them were standing on the other side of it. Leo stepped forward first,

“Raph-“ he started, but Raph began walking past him again. Leo grabbed his arm and forced Raph to a stop. “Look, I’m sorry about the salt, okay?”

“You really think that’s what this is about??” Raph asked, turning to look at him, barely holding back sobs. All three of them startled still. “I know you have potential, Leo. You could be a good leader if you just cared enough to do it. You’re better at Raph than planning, you think of things faster, you got charm, can read people easy… You’re GOOD at what you do…!”

“Raph, you’re good at all those things, too,” Leo said softly. Raph whipped his body around,

“I NEVER WANTED TO BE!!” He yelled. Leo’s eyes went wide. “Raph never wanted to- to be a leader!! Never wanted to have to plan ‘r think things up on the spot, ‘r keep all of us from d-dyin’ horribly mangled…!” Raph cried. He felt himself glow, ninpo responding to the strength of his emotions. He barely noticed himself start to shrink. “I never wanted to d-do any ‘a this but I’m the oldest! I had to because nobody else would, a-and I couldn’t let you get hurt…! You’ve always been better at it than I am! Even when I was leader you’d come up with better plans than me, faster than me… but I was still responsible for ya…!” Raph looked up at Leo, noticing he was at their waists now, “I was relieved when Dad made ya leader, I wanted you to be leader…! But then you started yelling and- and then Raph had to take over again because you weren’t doin’ it right and- I don’t-“ Raph was shorter than their knees at this point. Mikey knelt down to see him better. “I don’t-“ Raph stuttered a bit more, trembling, before retreating into his shell. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Raph sobbed, finally letting his cries be heard as he broke down. He could still see the red glow faintly from outside his shell. He felt himself get scooped up into a hug. Raph started hyperventilating, trembling and wailing. The hug started to feel weird and distant, more like a big warm blanket than arms wrapped around him. It stopped supporting him, letting him slowly fall forwards until he plopped onto something soft, landing on his plastron. Then the red glow finally stopped.

“I didn’t know he could shrink, much less to that size…” Donnie muttered.

“Like a pebble…” Mikey whispered. “Why does there have to be a leader in the first place? We’re a team…”

“Mikey, there has to be one… they’ll just keep fighting without one.”

“But it’s just making everyone sad!! Let’s get rid of it!”

“I think that would just make Raph even more stressed…”

“Then… there’s gotta be something we can-“ Mikey stopped talking for a second and Raph was able to hear Leo crying. Raph felt himself move a bit, momentum making his body press against the inside of his shell until he was upright, feeling a comforting amount of pressure on him from all sides. He felt himself bump and bounce against whatever was around him. Raph gasped for air, feeling lightheaded as he struggled to breathe.

“I-I’m sorry,” Leo said. Raph was shocked to hear him say it with such sincerity. “I didn’t know it hurt you this much… I thought it just annoyed you, I didn’t know…” Leo said between hiccups and cries. Raph continued to cry, trying to calm down before feeling things move again. He heard footsteps. They were moving for a while before they finally stopped. They talked around him but he was too focused on trying to slow his breathing to listen properly. It was a while before Raph was able to calm himself down, and by the time he did he was exhausted. He stayed in his shell for a long time, even through a nap, not ready to talk to anyone yet. Leo tried a few times, poking him and asking if he was okay. Raph was just too tired to talk.

It must have been hours before Raph was finally ready to come out. When he did, he found himself in Leo’s room on his nightstand. He was on the smallest pillow they could find. There was a small heat lamp over him. Leo was on his phone on his bed, not noticing Raph out of his shell yet. Raph looked at him, mentally drained.

“Hi…” he said. Leo’s full attention was on him in seconds.

“Are you okay…?” He asked. Raph didn’t say anything. “Right, stupid question… Mikey’s been trying to make tiny food if you want to eat? I know you haven’t eaten today… like at all,” Leo said, immediately looking really guilty. Raph just nodded. Leo offered him his hand and he walked onto it, a bit weirded out by the scale of everything around him. Leo moved his hand up and Raph moved to Leo’s shoulder. “So… how long are you going to stay small?”

“I don’t know…”

“Okay…” Leo said. Raph held onto Leo’s shell as he walked up to the kitchen, where Mikey and Donnie were talking. They stopped when they saw Leo come in.

“Is Raph okay? Big yet? Out of his shell? Say anything at all?” He asked.

“Well, almost,” Leo said, looking at Raph as best as he could. Raph waved a little so Donnie’s eyes would land on him. Donnie didn’t look thrilled but sighed.

“I’ll take it,” he said, “do you know when you’ll be big again..?”

“No..” Raph said. Donnie fidgeted nervously.

“I’m going to call Draxum,” Donnie said, already pulling his phone out as he walked away.

“Hey, nothing wrong with being small! Here, I tried to make some small food. I wasn’t sure if you would be big again or not when you came out, but I wanted you to have something to eat. Here, these are some cookie crumbs. Well, big crumbs. And I shaved some little pieces off of carrots! I um, can try to tiny-fy other things, too,” Mikey said. Leo sloped his arm out onto the table and Raph carefully made his way down. “I could probably make a tiny sandwich? Make bacon and give you the crumbs?” Mikey said.

“I don’t-“

“Go ahead, Mikey,” Leo said. Raph looked at him for a second, Leo glancing down and immediately looking around the room nervously. Raph turned back to the little pile of crumbs in front of him and started eating them. Mikey came over to him a few minutes later with a messy PB&J he made as small as he could.

“Here you go, little man,” Mikey said, trying to sound like Raph. Raph just chuckled and took it, almost unhinging his jaw to eat it so he’d have to take as few bites as possible and avoid making a mess. Donnie came back in the room a little later,

“Okay, Draxum explained it to me over the phone. This was triggered by emotions, so the only way to undo it is emotions,” Donnie said, “so, Leo? Any ideas?” Donnie asked. Raph looked between them both confused,

“What are you- I said I would be leader again, you don’t have to do it,” Raph said. Donnie and Leo looked at him, looked back at each other, then looked back at him before Leo bent down to get his face closer to Raph,

“That was before I realized how much you hated it…”

“But you never wanted to be leader, either… Raph can-“

“No, Raph can’t,” Leo said, “not only did you go into your shell which you, like, NEVER do, but you got so upset your ninpo made you shrink to the size of a grape. Raph cannot handle it. Even if Raph thinks he can,” Leo said. Raph looked at him watery eyed. “Look, I’m sorry I was a jerk… I… I wasn’t ready to be a leader. Sure, the first few missions went okay. But it’s scary. I just wanted an out. I thought if I made myself seem wildly immature then everyone would change their minds and I wouldn’t be leader anymore. But you didn’t give up on me, and then we just started fighting for forever. So instead of saying something, I made you miserable hoping you’d give up on me… I just didn’t realize that getting my way would hurt so much. I wasn’t expecting you to look at me like that… I didn’t want to hurt you, and I still don’t. So I’m the leader now, and there’s nothing you can do about it,” Leo said. Raph’s vision blurred as tears built up in them, lip wobbly. Leo put his finger on the table, “I know you want a hug, you bi- er, small softie,” he said. Raph blinked and the tears spilled over. He ran over to Leo’s finger, him curling it around his shell. He looked up at Leo,

“I can still help you-“

“You’re not allowed to. If it crosses over the line of teamwork, you’ll be fined,” Leo said. Raph laughed,

“Fined how??”

“We’re gonna strap Mikey to you and throw you in the Mystic Library,” Leo said, looking up at Mikey with a grin. Raph turn to look at him and he played along,

“Maybe I can make a bigger echo than last time!” He said with a huge grin. Raph just smiled. Leo tried to wipe some of his tears away with his finger as Donnie sat down next to him,

“Not to mention I’ll gladly call Nardo out for being stupid if he decides to stop using his brain cell,” Donnie said with a smirk, folding his arms on the table and resting his head on them to look at Raph, “you’re not the only one who can make sure he’s up to code.”

“Ha ha,” Leo said, tilting his head a bit to give Donnie a look before looking back at Raph, “I’ve got it from here, so don’t worry,” he said. Raph’s smile got even bigger and he started glowing red again. Everyone looked at him curiously before he suddenly popped back to his normal size, kicking Donnie in the face and pushing Leo off his chair, threatening to fall off the table. Mikey grabbed his arm to try and keep him up but instead Raph ended up pulling him over the table and he fell off with him, both landed right on top of the twins. It took Raph a moment to process he was back to normal, everyone else immediately clinging onto him. When he did, he was quick to pull all of them into the biggest hug he could, cuddling them all.

“Oh thank Galileo you’re back to normal- if that didn’t work I was going to panic,” Donnie said.

“Now you can eat normal-sized cookies!!” Mikey said. Raph let them go and Mikey quickly got up to grab the tray for them. Raph pulled Leo into a snug side-hug, his arm around his shoulder. He was so glad all of this fighting was over and done with, and he didn’t have to be leader again to make it happen. Everything was finally as it should be.

And everything felt light again.

[henrysglock]

Wonderful! A group of rich people died! Let’s dance on graves; I’ll get my good shoes.

But first, tell me:

Did the accident redistribute their wealth to the masses?

Did those deaths take out a harmful corporation in a way that makes life markedly better for those it was harming?

Did it enact any kind of helpful policy, regulatory, or socioeconomic change?

Or:

Are they just going to replace that CEO?

Is that wealth just going to get passed to their next of kin, remaining withheld from the masses who both need and deserve it?

Is this whole thing going to be forgotten by the next news cycle?

Is our collective glee just ‘bread and circuses’ type behavior that gloats over useless and frankly stupid deaths without any actual impact being made?

“People are justified in their lack of pro-social response to this event because of the socioeconomic state of the world.”

Okay, so show me where any of this changes the socioeconomic structure of the world. Show me where there’s anything worthy of “I hope they all die a slow, agonizing death for,” [checks notes], “hubris, a typical characteristic in most humans at some point in their lives.”

Was it all incredibly stupid? Absolutely. Did most of the dead have it coming? Absolutely. The tragedy in it is that there were no regulations in place to say “Uh…no?” when that voyage was in its planning stages.

And the worst part is? Nothing. Changes. So far, these are meaningless deaths.

Imagine we’re in ancient Rome. The CEO of Oceangate has convinced a group of his buddies (and the kid they dragged along) that “Hey, y’know what would be really fun? If we all dressed up as gladiators and paid to tussle with the lion. No, no, yeah there’s a chance you could die, but trust me, it’s gonna be so cool.” And then we all fucking ate it up, half of us cheering on the lion while the other half wept for those poor, poor rich people (yeah I know, I’m rolling my eyes too)…all under the watchful eye of our royal highnesses who put on the show: The Corporate System and The News Cycle, who both stood to profit whether the group of idiots lived or died.

Did the rich folks have it coming? Absolutely. Is it still horrific that it was allowed to happen at all? Yes.

This is why they don’t broadcast the other tragedies. It’s not good for them as a partnership. Those gut wrenching tragedies, the ones with true injustice? They don’t placate us, they upset us and turn us against those in power.

But dumb rich folks dying? On my TV? Oh goody, my fave show is on. Let’s see if it’s started another useless internet war, creating low-level enemies for us inside our screens so we forget about the real enemies for a while longer.

Not only that, but killing a CEO won’t change anything. That’s a replaceable employee, and the corporation as a unit cares about that person about as much as it cares about the rest of us (which is to say: not at all). That CEO’s wealth will just be given out to their relatives, and the money will stay contained within that family unit. The CEO will be forgotten in the next news cycle, when their death is no longer profitable for the news industry and the internet has moved onto its next useless spiral.

Guillotines in France worked because they dismantled the government, which also happened to consist of all the rich folks, to enact socioeconomic change. Thus: people celebrated the deaths of the rich, and rightfully so.

That’s not what this is. This isn’t “eating the rich”. This just the joy of entertainment, a good show.

Nothing ever changes. We stay entertained, temporarily placated by the deaths of a couple rich people.

Bread and fucking circuses.

[bobauthorman]

Raven vs Winter

Winter: What's that toy for?

Raven: *Holding out the wooden sword Ren got in the flashback in "Kuroyuri"* I'm not the kind of fool who hunts rabbits with a cannon. You may have a reputation, but you're still just a bunny. The Grimm divide the world into four kingdoms. Of the four, Atlas is the tamest. *Shrugs* Sorry, but this is the smallest knife I've got.

Winter: Better take it easy with the bravado!! *Charges* YOU'LL FEEL STUPID WHEN I KILL YOU!!!

Raven: You're a little frog, croaking in your puddle. Time you learned how big the world is.

Winter: SNOW CUT!

*Raven blocks Winter's swords with the wooden sword, with out giving an inch*

Nora: Winter?

Velvet: She stopped Winter's Snow Cut!!!

Coco: But that move never fails!!

Winter: (It won't budge! Nobody's ever countered by Snow Cut before, but she did it with that toy... Incredible...this can't be happening! We can't be this unequal!!) RAAAAAAR!! (Am I really such a little frog!?)

*Winter slashes at Raven wildly, but Raven easily parries the assault*

Winter: (The gulf between us can't be this great!!) GRAAAR!

Coco: Winter!! Don't let her beat you!!

Velvet: Winter!!!

Raven: Such heavy-handed swordplay...

Bystander: She's fending off Winter Schnee's dual-swordplay with that toothpick!?

Winter: (To be countered by a toy! I didn't come all this way to lose.) I came to win!!!!

*Flashbacks*

Penny: I Thought you sounded fine. You were speaking from your heart.

Winter: You were always the real maiden at heart. I was just a machine...just...following orders.

Penny: You were my friend.

Weiss: We should be opening our borders to help the world, not closing them down.

*Flashback ends*

Raven: What drives you? Why do you fight so hard when you cannot win? You're a weakling...

Winter: !

*Velvet and Coco try to jump Raven, but are held back by Nora*

Coco: Winter's not a weakling, blood-eye!!!!

Velvet: I'll you a lesson. That woman is...

Nora: Stop! Stay out of it, Velvet and Coco!!! Control yourselves!!!

Neon: Nora?

*Winter charges Raven again, but this time Raven moves in and stabs her with the toy sword*

Raven: You want your guts cut out? Why don't you retreat?

Winter: I...can't... If I retreat even one step...my vow...my promise to Penny...everything I care about...will be shattered. And all my dreams will be lost forever.

Raven: Yes. That's defeat.

Winter: Heh...so I can't retreat.

Raven: Even if it means death?

Winter: I prefer death to defeat.

Raven: (What strength of spirit!!! She'd rather die than give up.) *Pulls the toy out* Girl...speak your name.

Winter: Winter Schnee.

Raven: I'll remember it. It's been a while since I've met one so brave. *Unsheathes Omen* I will honor the huntress' code and send you to death with this red blade-- the finest in the world.

Winter: *Prepares the move she was going to use on Qrow in Volume 3* (This is my last chance...it's win or die... Greatest in the world...or death!!!)

Raven: Die!

*The two women charge at each other. In the end, Winter's swords are broken...and Raven's isn't*

Winter: (I've lost...it's over...I never foresaw this...that's the strongest sword in the world!!!)

*As Raven moves to take Winter's back, Winter suddenly turns to face her*

Raven: What are you...

Winter: Wounds on the back are a huntress' shame.

Raven: *Highly pleased* Magnificent.

*Raven cuts Winter down*

Raven: (Don't in such a hurry to die...young huntress!)

Nora: WINTER!!!!

*Nora throws herself at Raven in a mad fury. Raven just sidesteps her tackle*

Raven: Don't worry. I left her alive.

*medics are desperately tending to Winter's wounds*

Raven: My name is Raven Branwen!! It's too soon for you to die. Discover yourself. See the world!! And grow strong, Winter!!! However long it may take...I shall await you at the top. Strive with your whole heart and mind to best this blade, fierce one!!! STRIVE TO SURPASS ME, WINTER SCHNEE!

[yourbestpalpercy]

Will update this often.

Making this an au now. Don’t know what to call it though but I figured out Pal’s defeat. His animatronic catches on fire and explodes. He is barely able to escape, being heavily burnt. (Canon)

Other Ideas:

Pal is an old friend of Nick who recently got a robotics degree (Canon)

Nick usually teases Pal on his height (Canon)

Pal built Percy Poodle as a revenge ploy for Nick abandoning him/leaving him behind for “some stupid daydream” (Canon)

Pal made some other animatronics he could control but he didn’t like the animals he based them around. (Noncanon)

The Tamaterrors are still around. They’re small desk pals that Pal made as tests for things he could add to Percy Poodle. He likes Roachi the most for it’s swarming capabilities. (Canon)

Bruti can very much still break through walls. (Canon)

Percy Poodle has extendable limbs that Pal got from TamaLanki (Canon)

Being Pal’s roommate must suck. Welcome to the sound of someone eating cereal at 4:56am or watching reruns of bad animated shows because Pal almost never sleeps. Probably why he thought that trying to kill Nick was a good idea (Canon)

As a reference to the stream:

Pal: *Laughter as he leans in, placing the Percy Poodle arms around him. The glass changing to the cup minigame* “Go on Nick..! Pick a cup! You already know what will happen if you pick wrong!”

Nick: *Picks correctly within seconds, completely done with Percy’s bullshit.* “Why is your cup game so damn easy?”

Pal: “E-Easy?! What are you talking about?! I-I was told it’s pretty dang hard!”

Nick: “You saying you didn’t code it?”

Pal: “No, Viola did..! She said it would be near impossible!”

Nick: “Come on Percy, I expected harder from you.”

Pal: “I-I didn’t code it!”

Nick: “I mean, you managed to make this huge mech and STILL couldn’t code a hard cup game?”

Pal: “I DIDN’T- CODE IT!!”

Nick: “Should’ve!” (Noncanon)

Other ideas:

Viola was a good friend of Pal but after he started becoming rude and too caught up in his plans for revenge, Viola stopped being friends with Pal (Noncanon)

Pal has anger issues despite his nerd look (Canon)

After the bossfight, Pal screeches at Nick, who left him behind, and explains why he even tricked Nick into coming back, explaining that he had aimed to kill him or at least torture him. He also demands that Nick calls an ambulance

Idea for before the Percy animatronic is destroyed:

Pal: “DO YOU THINK YOU’VE WON, YOU PRICK?! We were supposed to be BEST PALS! I was supposed to stick by you forever and ever! And now you’re just gonna leave me again?! You can’t…I won’t let you! You can still take me with you..we can still be friends! This is what I made this mech for! You understand that r-!”

Nick: “I-I’m not..”

Pal: “What..?”

Nick: “I’m not taking you with with me Percy, this has gone too far..”

Pal: “……” *The size comparison is incredible and I just wanna say Nick has guts of steel saying that to Pal Percy in the original game. Like- that is a very big animatronic that has already tried to kill you.*

Pal: “Alright! Suit yourself!” *Pal smiles, pressing a button in the mech.*

Nick: “…Huh? Really?”

Pal: *Percy grabs Nick suddenly.* “Of course not! Y’know, I was willing to let you go but you’ve proved that’s not an option! I was afraid I was gonna have to do this but it looks like I’ll have to end this friendship..!” *Pal grin, releasing the tamaterrors.* “Permanently…” *Pal giggled before beginning to laugh like a madman. He pauses suddenly, sniffing the air.* “…Do I smell..smoke?”

Nick: *He looks at Percy’s tail.* “Uh…Percy?”

Pal: “It’s fine..I..” *The animatronic suddenly goes into distress mode and ends up blowing up, launching Pal.* (Canon)

Idea for ending dialogue:

Nick: “Now then, explain to me what the HELL was going through your mind to think this was a good idea!”

Pal: *Pal growls and glares at Nick.* “Oh you wanna know?! YOU WANNA KNOW?! I did it because you LEFT me behind! You left me to go chase some STUPID ASS DAYDREAM about working at a PIZZERIA! One that sucks! Absolutely sucks! The pizza sucks, the games suck! EVERYTHING SUCKS! And you left your Pal ‘Percy’ behind for THAT! You left me behind…! I was so lonely..! So betrayed!”

Nick: “I tried to come back to this place for all the events you planned-!”

Pal: “BUT YOU DIDN’T SHOW! So many hours of planning and hoping only for you to NEVER show up! I was lucky that I got you to show- let alone stay for a week here so I could show you everything you left behind! And yet-! I STILL FAILED! Now you’re gonna run back to Heleena, Mountaina or whatever it’s called and leave me again! Abandoning everything here…!”

Nick: “…Percy-.”

Pal: “DON’T CALL ME PERCY! It’s PAL! It was never Percy! Now call an ambulance and get away from me!”

Nick: *Nick steps forward,* “Pal…”

Pal: “Shut up! You don’t know anything about the life I lived without you here! I only had the Tamas for comfort which trust me..I love them but they don’t talk! I had no one to talk to besides Viola and she distanced herself from me!”

Nick: “Pal.”

Pal: “I’m not listening!”

Nick: “PAL! You are insane! Did you even THINK of the consequences before you did all of this?! With all the destruction you caused, you’ll probably end up in prison!”

Pal: “…..” *Pal frowns*

Nick: “Ugh…first you go crazy and try to kill me with a suit and all these damn things and now you think I still want to be your friend?! No.” *Nick turns away before leaving.*

Pal: “Wh-! Where are you going?! Come back and help me! Don’t just leave me here! WE’RE BEST PAAALS!!” (Noncanon)

After everything is said and done, Pal makes, well, a Pal Percy to be a friend of his as the Tamas don’t talk and Nick is gone. It helps him cope pretty well. Pal also has some awful scars from the explosion, having lost a leg and pretty bad burn scars all over, he has a cut on his chin (in reference to the secret ending where his screen is partially cracked) and is now obsessive and clingy over friends. Also, like Pal does in the game Pal Percy can take over the animatronics that Pal made and usually does so when Pal forgets to tend to him. (Noncanon for the most part. Pal made Pal Percy but got rid of him before he reconstructed Percy)

Both Pal and Nick sometimes have awful nightmares. For Pal, dreams of being consumed by his creations and being trapped in them will be the end of him; when he has these nightmares, he distances himself from Pal Percy. For Nick, he sometimes has awful nightmares about what would’ve happened if he didn’t defeat Pal and if he succeeded. These dreams sees him in a playhouse with many of these animatronics haunting him along with Pal. (Canon)

On the topic of Pal’s nightmares, he sometimes hallucinates that he has a wire tail and the first time he experienced this, he isolated himself from his creations for 5 days until it went away. (Canon)

[velvetvexations]

actually if you want to talk about it I’d be curious about your petscop opinions (in a friendly discussion way) but if not that’s totally cool!

One of the things I was telling people Petscop was of too high-quality for something to be what was happening was the incredibly dumb "playing the game in a car" thing, which I thought was a completely ridiculous theory and I really was out there like, no, guys, that's stupid, that's so stupid, and this is PETSCOP, the single greatest web series in existence, my Roman Empire, it's not stupid so obviously that can't be it.

But what I really disliked and put me down a lot was the lack of hard answers. I unironically feel like people nowadays fetishize narrative ambiguity. Death of the Author or even the idea that a work might have literally no intended meaning except to be a viewer's personal Rorschach test has gotten so big that to even suggest something mysterious might have an answer can be seen as sacrilege.

Sometimes that can be a difficult wire to walk. David Lynch refuses to ever give away the intended meaning of his work because he does want his audience to reach their own conclusions and find their own meaning in it...but, also, he did still have an intended meaning behind everything and it's not weird to try and work that out. Yes, the demand for answers killed Twin Peaks - but I would argue it was more like impatience because what fans wanted to know was specifically who killed Laura Palmer, and Lynch always intended to get to that eventually, just at the very end.

Fans during the airing of Twin Peaks took it 100% literally and weren't generally looking for symbolic meaning, they were looking for hard facts about what was occurring in-universe. While my belief of the "correct" interpretation of Twin Peaks is that the narrative blends in-universe reality with out-of-universe meta anyway, I think we would have gotten basically satisfying answers to the in-universe reality if the network had been willing to let it cook. I think subtext can be really cool, and despite my sidebar text being a Garth Marenghi reference the things I write have subtext in them as well, but usually I'm far more interested in the text when it comes to mysteries like this.

So like, I'm going to take a gamble with allowing myself to be vulnerable and admit something: when it turned out the website in Petscop had been made, but the creator just decided not to put it out? I was without hyperbole livid.

I struggle, like really struggle with anger issues, to the point where earlier this morning I was thinking about making a post about how much I've been feeling the "check your bathroom" message from Rainer, but decided against it because that's implied to be a suicide note and I didn't want to give the impression I was referring to suicidal ideation. I mean, I am also extremely depressed, but that's not what I had in mind.

Just like...the bitterness of what Rainer says in that message, the exhausted rage? Yeah, that's me. I'm an angry person. It's one of the reasons I related so hard to Kipperlilly Copperkettle in Dimension 20. Because like, my fandom for her started out being really annoyed with the protagonists and the ways they have their cocks sucked by the fandom and narrative no matter what, and how KLCK in particular was getting insane hate for insane reasons, but when it was revealed she had been in therapy for years for anger management I wanted to cry because I suddenly felt this intense empathy with her.

No matter how irrational, the revelation about the website existing but not being shown gutted me. So I was really, really angry about it and to be honest I still kinna am. I don't hold any real ill will towards the creator and, again, I know it's irrational, but that hurt me a little.

There's this scene in The Expanse where a spaceship hits a field that makes anything in motion come to an instantaneous and complete stop, and you can imagine what that does to the occupants of spacecraft traveling a bazillion miles an hour (it should really obliterate the ship, too, but whatever). It kinna felt like that. Like the series just came to a sudden and arbitrary stop with nothing explained and my investment turned into several gallons of red paint splattering the camera.

I was also very dissatisfied with it turning out that either it was all about being trans or the very least had a significant amount of it's plot be about that. I don't mean to be a Sad Puppies kinna geek who thinks their entertainment should never touch on social themes and just stick to cool laser guns, but like...I am trans. Nearly all my friends are. I talk about it constantly on this blog, I'm thinking about it constantly, it is one of the single most important, defining aspects of nearly every facet of my life. I enjoy some media that's outwardly about being trans and my writing is heavily heavily HEAVILY centered around diversity and inclusion and talking about it all, but when it's the answer to a mystery?

I can't help but find that tremendously boring. And that's another thing that, like not getting answers and it all being over so abruptly, Expanses the shit out of my investment.

And my investment in Petscop ran...deep. Very, very deep. I loved the series with every fiber of my being. Like I said, the drop-off in how I felt about it was like Satan falling from Heaven like lightning, and I felt every bit of that falling damage.

So Petscop and the way it ended was a lot for me.

[ilikeyoshi]

i've been reading lately that pmdd can get worse as you age and honestly, yeah, i think that's happening. when i started taking continuous birth control to help with the hormonal fluctuations it worked super well, but it seems to just work... less and less... and lately whenever i've had to take a break on the meds for a breakthrough bleed the emotions just get??? bad???

i've been inexplicably sad and paranoid the past 2-3 days and it feels really bad after so long of Being Okay. like. i don't WANT to go back to this. i thought i was just tired because chronic illness but i think it's depression. it doesn't help that periods are probably my WORST gender dysphoria trigger.

i have an appt with my obgyn in november and some ideas of what we might be able to do, but it's just. tiring, you know. i'm getting so tired of fighting it and i know hysterectomy with bilateral whatchamacallit is like, a Big Fucking Deal, but i just. don't care? i can't make myself care anymore i just want to stop bleeding and i want to stop being physically capable of bearing children and it's just making me crazy and spirally lately. pmdd + gender dysphoria is actually the evilest combination imaginable.

:( i know in all likelihood i'm going to have to go through all the stupid hoops, like uid and uterine ablation, before doctors will let me just pull everything out and bin it—and if any of that works that's great but it all feels so.... subject to failure?? it feels like i'm just delaying something i'll nevertheless need to do anyway, when everything else stops working. uids have to be replaced, and uterine ablation is not only more likely to just give you light periods than no periods, but if it gets worse again it sounds like i can only get MAYBE one more ablation? so what if it comes back after the second one. assuming i get lucky and the ablations actually STOP the periods instead of lightening them.

like. it just feels like a bunch of time and money and pain for something that isn't super guaranteed to work. especially because my mom had a breast cancer that eats up estrogen, so like, part of me is thinking, if i get the hysterectomy-and-etc NOW, and enter surgical menopause NOW, i can still TAKE the estrogen HRT that makes said menopause infinitely easier to deal with. that might not be an option as i get older! if i develop the same breast cancer my mom (and grandma (and great grandma)) had, i won't be able to take the estrogen anymore. y'know??? it just seems like something that's more likely to backfire on me.

i dunno. i talk to the obgyn in november but i'm just. having a really bad week (breakthrough week, so i can't take the birth control, and being off it makes me crazy again) and i just want this to be over. i KNOW how to make it be over. i don't care if i have to take medication for the next 30 years or whatever, i take medication i'm likely going to need for life already, it's just another fuckin daily pill in the caddy. i don't care. i just want it to be over. i want to donate these organs to someone who wants them and can use them and that's Not Me. that's never been me. childbirth has scared and horrified me since i was a tiny little kid, and despite what adults told me it never, ever got better. i think about a fetus in my gut and i burst into tears. it's so fucking scary. i want this thing gone so i know it CANNOT happen.

i get why it's not ideal, i get why it's a last resort, i get it affects my bone and heart health, i just. i just don't care. it's been almost 29 years of being told "i'd want kids someday, i'll get pregnant someday" and then almost 20 years of the bleeding and the constant reminder that i'm a Woman™ and i can get pregnant and my body is SO INCREDIBLY READY TO GO in making a baby and it makes me wanna rip my guts out!!!! dude!!!! i hate this body i hate this anxiety i hate these constant unending reminders and i don't wanna fuckin DO IT for 20-30 more years i want to live NOW. i want to feel safe in my own skin NOW. fuck!

anyway. waiting for november is hard. being in the middle of a pmdd episode fucking sucks. i just feel bad all the time. i just want it to be over.

[chelseeebe]

pick a side or i’ll pick you both. (part two)

blood, guts and gore. cheating, smut.. idk what there isn’t in here.

summary: what happens when the hunter becomes the hunted? does anyone make it out of hawkins alive?

a/n: idk if i like this hehe. i’ve also not really read it through bc i detest reading anything i’ve written so excuse any mistakes. i’ve written a small epilogue for this which i’m gonna post separately soon!

taglist: @manyfandomsfanvergent @nope-thanks @secretdryrose @bibieddiesgf @val-writesstuff

part one. | part two. | epilogue.

for a memorial, things were pretty wild. suppose with the whole town still reeling from the murders, it was to be expected that people wanted to let loose.

including steve.

who was sat jabbering on about nancy and the amazing memories he held with jason. utter bullshit. but he was incredibly intoxicated so you’d let him off.

you stay away from the drink, nursing a singular beer all night. too afraid to get drunk and let go of your inhibitions. unsure of what you might let slip.

eddie was at least keeping his part of the deal, sat in the corner with jonathan. feeding him shots and occasionally disappearing to the garden to smoke. you watched on anxiously. getting sly looks from eddie every now and again.

they weren’t exactly telling you much.

he nods towards the stairs, standing up and walking away. you waited a moment before following. fobbing steve off to a member of the basketball team sat next to you.

you have to open every last door and eventually find eddie perched against the sink in the bathroom. gnawing on the skin around his fingernails.

‘finally,’ he remarks, throwing his hands up.

you lock the door behind you and stand opposite him, ‘so? what did he say?’

eddie sighs, finishing off his drink, ‘well, the bad news is that he definitely thinks you had something to do with it.’

‘what?’ you hiss, widening your eyes at how nonchalantly he just said that.

‘but,’ he pauses for dramatic effect, ‘he thinks steve’s involved.. some jealous ex thing, he wasn’t really making sense at this point.’

you exhale, so jonathan doesn’t necessarily think you killed nancy. just that you helped steve do it. which wasn’t really any better.

���fuck,’ you sigh, rubbing your forehead. where the fuck do you go from here besides the obvious?

‘hey, maybe it’s not all that bad.. he doesn’t think it was you exactly, we could just.. convince him it was someone else?’

‘he thinks it was steve,’ you say pointedly, ‘my boyfriend? the entire reason we started this shit in the first place?’

‘yeah so.. we frame someone else. one last kill.. murder-suicide. someone you really have it in for,’ he shrugs, his calm demeanour was really irking. he should be more scared.

you ponder for a second, you didn’t really hold hate for anyone apart from nancy. well, maybe there was a few people. tommy fucking hagan for one. steve’s desperate best friend who you were sure definitely wanted to fuck your boyfriend.

but why would he murder any of these people?

maybe nancy was some weird homoerotic jealousy thing.. higgins because he always seemed to be in some sort of trouble? leaving jason, who you were sure he’d never even spoken to.

‘i don’t know,’ you shake your head, stuck on where to go from here.

killing jonathan was an option. get rid of him before he could spill anymore of his stupid theory to anybody else. he was the only person that had suspected you.

the police had partially moved on from the school. looking further into the community for answers. grilling innocent people on their whereabouts last week.

someone bangs on the door, screaming about needing the bathroom and interrupts your entire conversation.

you hadn’t thought about how you’d get out of the bathroom with eddie. how strange it looked the two of you being in here alone.

you look up at him and then the window. his eyes follow your gaze and he immediately shakes his head no.

‘no. i’m not jumping out of the fucking window, are you crazy?’

‘what else are you gonna do?’

‘why don’t you go out the window? i was in here first,’ he hushes, the desperate party goer now slamming the door.

‘i’m not going out the window,’ you look around desperately for anyway out of this, ‘get in the bath.’

‘what?’

‘bath,’ drawing back the curtain and gesturing for him to get in.

he scoffs but admits defeat as he climbs into the white tub, it was a hell of a lot better than falling thirty feet to the ground.

you pull the curtain back, hiding him behind the thin plastic. gathering yourself for a moment before opening the door.

the desperate attendee in question is jonathan. looking a pale shade of green and covering his mouth. he doesn’t even acknowledge you before pushing past, hunching over the toilet and emptying his stomach.

god bless eddie who was now guaranteed to be stuck in the bathroom for at least another hour.

it gives you a small giggle as you make your way back to steve. now stood up, wildly gesturing around and still boring the pants off of everyone in the room.

-

the party had died down in the early hours and you’d managed to get steve to bed. though, it was a struggle carrying him up the stairs. even now he was talking about nancy and jason. you’d wanted to just let him go. let him fall and then maybe he’d shut up about his dead ex.

eddie had escaped back downstairs at some point and had passed out next to robin on the couch, lying over each other in a mess of drunken limbs.

steve falls asleep sprawled over the bed, one arm draped over your waist, rambling about how good you were and that you always do so much for me.

he had no idea.

you hadn’t really been sleeping lately, far too much swirling around your brain to shut it off. horrifying nightmares of the pool of blood surrounding nancy. the gargling sound higgin’s had made as he met his end. the sheer look of terror on jason’s face as eddie had taken his life.

though you must’ve dozed off at some point. being woken by steve’s groaning.

‘hungover?’ you ask, opening one eye to peek at him.

‘you could say that, yeah,’ his voice rough, one arm extending out to pull you closer.

‘you’re lucky i bought you up here.. you’re heavy as shit,’ you chuckle, running your fingers through his messy hair.

this is why you had to do what you did. for moments like these. where it all seemed worth it.

‘mhm thank you,’ he squints at you, a small smile on his face, ‘definitely feel better waking up next to you.’

you return the smile, humming in response.

‘y’know what would make me feel even better?’ he states huskily, moving on top of you, his smile replaced with a little smirk.

‘hmm? what’s that?’ fingers intertwining in his hair, moving your legs for him to slip between.

he responds by kissing your lips. you ignore the smell of alcohol and last nights party, returning the kiss. you two hadn’t had sex since.. well, since before you’d brutally killed his ex girlfriend. not for lack of trying, though.

his hand slides up your thigh, reaching your pajama shorts while his tongue makes its way into your mouth. his fingers toy with the elastic waistband and you move your hips against him, feeling his growing erection.

your shorts are halfway down your legs when the door knocks. eliciting a deep groan from his throat, although he doesn’t pull back in hopes they’d go away.

they don’t. knuckles wrap against the wood once again.

‘what’d you want?’ he hollers, still on top of you, elbows digging into the mattress either side of your shoulders.

the door creaks open and you’re not at all shocked to see eddie stood in the doorframe, ‘we uh- we wanted to make coffee.. couldn’t figure out your machine,’ he utters and you swear you can see the slightest smirk.

steve exhales sharply, ‘seriously?’

‘yeah man.. people are dying down there,’ eddie states, as if it’s the most serious subject in the world.

steve looks back at you, ‘i’ll be two minutes,’ planting one last kiss before rolling off of you with a grumble.

you pull the duvet up, eddie’s gleaming eyes not leaving you once as steve pulls on his discarded jeans from last night.

‘lead the way, coffee man,’ eddie laughs, still looking at you.

steve pushes past him, making his way down the hallway but eddie doesn’t follow. lingering in the doorway with a smug grin on his face.

‘dickhead,’ you mouth, attempting to bore holes in his head with your eyes. he most definitely waited for the perfect moment to come and interrupt. it was kinda his thing.

‘whoops,’ he shrugs, turning to follow steve down into the kitchen.

good god you could’ve slammed his head into the damn doorframe until that stupid look was wiped right off of his face.

you give steve five minutes before huffing and getting out of bed, walking down to the full kitchen. you can vaguely hear robin and steve arguing over something stupid.

eddie clocks you first, eyeing your exposed thighs before meeting your gaze. same sly grin on his face.

you roll your eyes, ignoring his very existence and wrap your arms around steve’s waist, laying your cheek on his spine.

he jumps slightly but quickly realises who the hell is touching him and settles into the embrace, still trying to demonstrate how to use a coffee machine to robin. ignoring the feeling of a certain pair of eyes boring into your back.

-

you tumbled into the back of his van, suddenly extremely grateful that he’d decided to bring this instead of your moms car. though the risk of being seen in this death trap was much higher.

you’d gone to tommy’s house to try and end this shit tonight. luckily, his bedroom was on the ground floor, there’s be no scaling of any buildings tonight.

it hadn’t particularly gone to plan though. you’d perched on either side of his window for what felt like forever when he stumbled in, carol fucking perkins in tow. of course. shit could never go to plan, could it?

you’d had to call it off. having never tackled a double kill before, you were not going to try tonight. no, it wasn’t worth it. not when all you were doing was trying to end this shit.

you yank the mask off, lifting the black polyester gown over your head, your shirt rising up as it’s launched into the corner. of course he’s watching, desperate for any last slither of skin.

does murder make you horny? was it the fucking mask? is that what this was? a mask kink?

his bottom lip between his teeth was driving you nuts. you wouldn’t ever do this. not normally. but you move over to him on your knees, not bothering to fix your shirt.

he opens his mouth to speak but you interrupt whatever unintelligent spiel he was about to come out with, pressing your lips to his, clambering onto his lap.

his hands immediately find their place on your waist, working on fully removing your shirt. he lifts it up and over your head, resuming the passionate kiss as soon as it reached the dirty van floor.

you waste no time and reach between your bodies, grabbing at his belt buckle and undoing the metal clasp. the kiss messy, full of spit and tongues as you huff, struggling to remove his jeans.

there’s no words spoken, just a silent and slightly aggressive need to get inside of you as quickly as possible. your lacy underwear dragged down your thighs, almost in shreds at the ferocity he’d pulled them down.

your arms hung over his shoulders as he positions himself at the entrance of your throbbing cunt, lowering yourself onto him with a low moan. pausing for a moment to adjust to the fullness.

you don’t wait long before beginning to move, bouncing on top of him, only encouraged by the grunts and filthy words coming out of his mouth. picking up the pace, bare knees scraping against the rough ground of the van.

you throw your head back, whimpering as he begins to buck up into you. his hand slides up from your chest, finding place around your neck, giving it a slight squeeze.

‘holy shit,’ he breathes, your hips clashing against each other as his thrusts get harder, letting him take full control of the situation.

his hand moves down, palming your breast, his teeth almost splitting his bottom lip as he bites down on the skin. deep grunts slipping out of the small gap.

you look back at him, mouth hung open, ‘shit.. i’m gonna..’ the angle hitting perfectly, the denim of his jeans rubbing against your clit at just the right momentum.

‘yeah?’ he barks back, reaching his own climax, thrusts becoming sloppy as your walls clench around him, coming to your own high.

‘fuck,’ you whine, writhing above him, stilling your hips. pausing for a moment to come back to earth. to realise you were in the back of eddie’s old rusted van, his cock still inside of you.

you slide off, perching beside him, scrambling to find your discarded clothes and your long lost sense of dignity.

you pull the strap of your bra back up onto your shoulder, avoiding eddie’s eyes and fumbling for your shirt.

‘that’s not happening again,’ pulling your shirt over your head. it was like an immediate overwhelming feeling of guilt. every time.

‘you said that last time,’ he laughs, sitting back against the inside wall of his van, re-doing his belt.

you glare at him but don’t honour his remark with a response, gathering your things and shoving them into your small bag.

‘that one was all you, remember that,’ he adds, wiping his sweaty face with his t-shirt before pulling it on.

‘maybe if i wasn’t cockblocked, i wouldn’t be so.. frustrated,’ you sneer, crawling over to the double doors.

‘you can just say you want to fuck me.. the world isn’t going to end if you do,’ he shrugs.

‘yours might if you keep speaking like that,’ you warn, going to open the door.

eddie stops you before you can, a hand on your outstretched arm, ‘wait.’

‘what now?’

‘are we really doin’ this with tommy?’ he asks, suddenly completely stoic.

you exhale, ‘i don’t see how else we can end this,’ shrugging, ‘we have to.’

he nods slightly, avoiding your eyes, ‘okay.. as long as you’re sure.’

‘i am,’ you assure, ‘and then we go back to normal.’

-

since school had been called off for the foreseeable an array of parties had cropped up, including another at steve’s house. you think he just didn’t want to be alone. his parents were on another trip out of town and the house was so big, it’d be stupid not to gather everyone together in his house.

tommy was going to be there. you’d made sure of it with steve, asking under the guise of wanting to know all attendees just in case.

eddie was going to lure him away from the party with promises of a free joint. lucky for you, steve’s house backed onto a large, creepy forest where you’d be waiting, ready to get rid of tommy and dressing him in your murdering costume.

sneaking away from steve would be the hardest part, constantly clutching onto your hand and desperate to not get as drunk as last time in hopes he’d get lucky tonight.

eddie was waiting on your cue, you’d go out first and wait for them both in the forest. everything you needed was hidden out there before the party started.

‘i’m gonna go freshen up and get another drink, i’ll be back,’ you smile at steve, patting his arm and wriggling away from his hold.

‘i’ll come,’ he says, following you in standing up, a quickie in his bathroom would very much suffice.

‘no.. no it’s your party, stay here.. i’ll be five minutes.. ten tops,’ you nod, just praying that he wouldn’t insist.

he doesn’t. thank god. and you slip out of the house through the back door and out of the mossy garden gate, making sure the gaggle of teens in his backyard wouldn’t see you. they were too drunk to even care.

you breathe a sigh of relief when you find the tree you’d stashed everything behind, probably slightly unwise to do this all in the dark.

eddie springs into action the second you’d left, having already been chatting to tommy about the promise of weed, it doesn’t take long to get him to follow.

‘nah, let’s go to the woods.. i don’t want everyone bothering me for freebies y’know?’ eddie coax’s him out of the back garden and further into the forest where you were waiting.

a branch snaps to the left of your hiding spot and you can hear tommy’s irritating voice get louder as they get closer.

as soon as you appear from behind the tree, eddie grabs onto tommy’s arms, holding them in place behind his back.

‘woah woah, what the fuck are you doing?’ tommy scrambles, eyes wide and darting around the darkened forest.

‘oh tommy,’ you coo, walking over to the ginger and shoving the makeshift gag over his mouth, muffling his screams, ‘i wish it didn’t have to be this way.’

you throw the frayed rope to eddie and he wraps it around tommy’s wrists, tying it in what you hope is a tight knot. you’d known that realistically eddie couldn’t overpower tommy for long and as soon as the adrenaline hit, he’d be fighting back stronger.

eddie kicks the back of his knee and he falls down onto the ground, kicking his feet in the dirt, trying with all his might to get free from the ties.

eddie was hyper aware of your decision not to use the mask, the party continuing somewhere in the background, ‘we need to be quick,’ he presses, gritting his teeth as tommy thrashes around beneath him.

‘i am,’ you glare at him.

see, the plan was to frame tommy. make out that he’d dragged you into the forest. attacked you first. you’d just acted in self defence and got him before he could get you. even prepared to sustain a few injuries for good measure.

tommy shakes his head desperately, looking up at you with tearful eyes, the knife reflecting off his glossy eyes. he looked utterly pathetic and you’d wondered how many poor people he’d instilled this level of terror in.

tommy was an asshole, through and through. a real bully. and you’d detested the fact steve was still friends with him. even if it was because they’d been friends for so long as steve tried to tell you.

‘it’s not nice being on the receiving end now, is it?’ you poke him with the sharp knife, bent down to his level.

no no. he incoherently mumbles through the gag. he’d seemed to calm down slightly, maybe convincing himself that you were playing some cruel joke on him and he wasn’t actually about to die.

‘it’s a shame, really,’ you pout at him, ‘steve really likes you.. god knows why, i bet he’ll be really sad that you’re gone.. oh well.’

tommy’s breathing is laboured, sweat pouring from his forehead and you step between his legs, gripping onto the handle of the knife.

maybe that was a mistake as his legs clamp together, trapping yours in between his causing you to topple down onto him. cursing as you hit the ground, the knife falling somewhere in the dust.

‘shit,’ eddie hisses, stumbling to find the knife as tommy writhes around, trying to grip onto something, anything that’ll help him.

you get your bearings again, standing up and placing a foot on tommy’s back as he attempts to army crawl away from you.

‘you fucking idiot,’ you say through gritted teeth, eddie finds the knife amongst the leaves and hands it back to you, cussing at tommy for making him crawl around in the dirt.

you plunge the knife into his back, blood immediately soaking through his t-shirt as his arms flap around. a muted scream escapes the gag and you twist the knife slightly before removing it from the wound.

for good measure, eddie gives him a swift kick to the ribs, stopping any attempt at getting back up. you stab him again, this time in the side as if it was a desperate attempt to get him off of you in the pretend struggle.

he groans, head dropping to the floor, eyes drooping as he fights the imminent death. the blood seeps into the ground, colouring the dried autumn leaves a shade of red.

you watch as his movements get slower, weak attempts at shouting for help in his final breaths. until they stop. and he lays lifeless on the mud in front of you.

you swallow before looking at eddie who had that psychotic look on his face. it should’ve scared you, his eyes glinting with pure evil intentions. but it doesn’t. you know exactly how he felt. the euphoric feeling coursing through your veins.

you can feel your heartbeat in your throat. when his eyes meet yours, that familiar feeling throbs in your stomach. were you turned on by this? or was it just a need to excrete the energy that had built up inside?

you’re quickly snapped out of whatever weird trance you’re in when the party’s music stops and calls of your name ring out in the back yard.

shit. steve was definitely wondering where the fuck you’d gone. tommy had taken slightly longer than anticipated to get rid of.

you push the knife into eddie’s hand, ‘cut me,’ offering your arms to him.

‘no, what the fuck?’

‘eddie it has to look like a fight, cut me!’ you insist, almost grabbing the knife and doing it yourself.

he hesitates, ‘shit shit shit,’ he exclaims, lifting the knife to your arm.

‘do it!’

he does, sliding the knife across your arms and slashing the skin, drawing blood instantaneously.

you bite down on your lip, humming at the searing pain but urging him to continue. gesturing to your midriff area, blood dripping from your arms.

he glances at you quickly before pulling the knife across the skin, cutting open your shirt in the process. you nod over to tommy, if he was found tied up and gagged, you’d have another problem on your hands.

eddie saws off the rope, stuffing it into his jacket pocket alongside the gag. it had been planned meticulously you see, eddie was going to hand you off to whoever you saw first in the garden, rush off to ‘call the police’ and rid himself of any evidence in his van. everybody too preoccupied with your wounds to notice him disappear.

the police would come and you’d put your sixth grade drama classes to good use, telling them that tommy had pulled you out into the woods and just went crazy, slashing and stabbing at you. but oh no he’d dropped the knife and in your desperate attempt to survive you’d picked it up and stabbed him instead.

you were sure you could improvise if it really came down to it. it wasn’t like you weren’t actually in pain, the gash on your stomach stinging as the hem of your shirt rubbed against it.

eddie throws his arm around your waist, walking back to the now quiet party, ‘so i just.. found you out here, right?’

‘right,’ you breathe, gripping onto his denim jacket and preparing for the performance of a lifetime, ‘you were getting some fresh air.. heard a scream and found me.’

you near the gate and turn to nod at eddie, pulling your best in pain face as he swings open the gate. horrified party goers turn towards you, mouths wide at your gushing wounds.

you can vaguely see steve pushing through the crowd, sprinting over to take you from eddie’s hold.

‘what- what happened? what did you do?’ steve shouts, taking ahold of your arm and slinging it over his shoulder.

‘i-i didn’t do anything.. she was just out there like that.. i don’t know,’ eddie stutters, looking at you to back him.

‘it wasn’t.. it wasn’t eddie, steve.. tommy,’ you nod, putting on your best terrified face, clinging onto steve’s shirt as he sits you down on one of the garden chairs.

‘tommy? what are you saying?’ his eyes go wide at the accusation, crouching down to your level, keeping one hand pressed to the gash on your stomach.

it wasn’t really deep enough to cause any serious problems but christ was there a lot of blood.

‘he.. told me to follow him.. that you were out there, so- so i did.. and then.. there was a knife..’ you trail off, looking down at your wounds, hands beginning to shake.

you were really selling it, god, if this shit was a movie you’d for sure be owed a few awards for this performance. it was easy to cry seeing as eddie’s knife work actually was pretty painful. burning as the blood leaked into your clothes and onto steve’s hand.

it was the longest night of your life. spending hours at the hospital patching you up and making sure there were no internal injuries. and then carted off to the police station the second the nurse had okayed you going home.

steve followed along, waiting on the uncomfortable chairs as you re-told your story for the umpteenth time. ensuring that every detail was the same as the last time you told it. occasionally letting a few tears fall but putting on your best brave face so the officers take pity on you.

they do eventually. telling you that you’re so incredibly strong and they’ll be in contact soon about how they’re proceeding with this all. it worked though. they’d bought your story and you could get back to some sort of normality.

just this time without nancy or tommy fucking hagan trying to interject themselves in your relationship. the thought of having steve to yourself, finally, was enough motivation to sell this damn story and get it done with.

-

you hadn’t really thought about the implications of being the one to finally catch and kill the ‘infamous hawkin’s killer’. turns out just about everyone in the town now worshipped you. you were practically famous.

kids at school would come to you in the hallways, giving their sorry’s and telling you just how heroic you were.

it was sort of nice. well, after pushing aside the burning guilt inside of you.

you couldn’t fester on it too much though. what was the point? even if you did come clean at this point, who would’ve believed you? it was over. no reason to live in the past. it’s not like you could bring anyone back to life, so why not enjoy the glory?

steve was very clearly also enjoying the second-hand fame, making a point to throw his arm around you in the hallway and making sure everyone knew that you two were together.

in the whirlwind of shit you’d kind of neglected everyone else. especially eddie. though, you were kinda glad that part of it was over. you didn’t need to be reminded of the shit you’d done every time you saw dark curly hair. about what you’d done together.

he bounded up to you one day at school, ‘i need to talk to you,’ his voice hushed, hand gingerly grabbing your arm.

‘i’m kinda busy right now eddie,’ you reply, grabbing your books from your locker, trying your hardest not to look at him.

‘it’s important,’ he dips his head, ‘it’s about.. you know..’

‘well then it’s not important,’ you bit back, slamming your locker shut.

‘please.. i-i don’t know what to do,’ he pressed, desperate to get you to listen.

‘find me at lunch or something.. i’ve gotta go,’ you walked off, finding steve who was waiting for you up ahead, disregarding whatever eddie was talking about immediately.

it didn’t matter now.

-

‘steve?’ you call out. if his parents car wasn’t there, which was rarely, you’d just walk in. he’d get you your own key if he could.

you’d move in if it were up to you. since everything had died down a tad, you’d been closer than ever. exactly why you’d done everything in the first place. it was perfect.

there’s no response, which is odd. his car was outside and the door was unlocked. usually he’d come bounding downstairs at the sound of the door closing. nothing.

you pull a face and swing round into the kitchen, wondering if he’d just not heard you. nope. empty.

‘steve?’ you ask again, met with the exact same silence as before.

‘if you’re playing some prank on me, i will punch you,’ you warn, beginning to climb the stairs.

still nothing.

his bedroom door was closed which was also usual if his parents weren’t home but maybe he’d fallen asleep after basketball and couldn’t hear you.

you twist the handle, slowly opening the door so that you could scare him.

you’re met with the image of steve’s limp body bundled into the corner, head hanging down to his chest. your stomach flips, not knowing if he was even still alive.

‘he’s not dead, don’t worry,’ eddie’s voice calls out, appearing from behind the en-suite door.

your eyes widen at the sight of him. what the fuck had he done?

‘eddie.. what the fuck? what have you done?’ you manage to croak out, slowly moving towards steve’s body.

‘i wouldn’t if i were you,’ he comes further out of the bathroom, knife in hand, pointing the sharp edge at you.

you stop dead, holding a hand out as if to offer peace, ‘what do you want?’ you breathe, chest heaving.

he flicks the knife at the bed, gesturing for you to sit down, ‘i’ll explain.. you should sit though.’

you oblige, sitting gingerly on the edge of the mattress, flitting between steve and eddie who was now making his way to you.

‘i-i don’t understand.. what’s going on?’ you blink, trying to hide the tears forming in your eyes.

‘well.. as i’ve been trying to tell you for the past month, the cops found my dna on that knife you used to kill mr. hagan.. had my shit on file from some stupid drug charge last year,’ the corners of his mouth curled into a small grin.

‘wh-what?’

‘oh yeah,’ he nods, now towering above you, ‘haven’t left me alone since.. see, at the school, that shithead janitor saw two people running away from the crime scene and they’ve come to the conclusion that i must be involved. i mean, it makes sense, doesn’t it?’ his eyes are dark, menacing.

you’d never been scared of him before. not even when he’d spilled jason’s guts in front of you. but he genuinely terrifying now. as if he was possessed.

‘eddie.. i didn’t- i’m sorry, we can fix this,’ you nod, a desperate attempt to reassure him, ‘hawkin’s police are fucking stupid.. we, we can come up with some story.. i’ll help you.’

‘yeah, you will,’ he laughs and it sounds demonic, nothing like him, ‘see i’m pretty much fucked.. so i had a thought,’ the knife flings around in his hand, still aimed toward you, ‘wouldn’t it be just so killer, heh.. ya’ see what i did there, if mr. ghostface’s final kill was the queen of hawkins.. the invincible girl, no longer invincible.’

your lower lip begins to quiver, tears welling in your eyes. if you weren’t in this predicament you’d throw up. finally understand the terror you’d inflicted on so many people.

‘you don’t have to do this.. there’s still a way out.. for both of us,’ you swallow, trembling as he is mere inches away from you.

‘oh but i do,’ the cold metal of the knife meets your cheek, stinging as the tears inadvertently roll down your face, ‘it was you who dragged me into this fucking mess and just left me to catch the blame on my own.. you don’t get to live if i’m going down.’

you can’t see him clearly at this point, a blurry vision of dark hair and evil, menacing eyes.

you’re angry. angry at yourself for getting into this situation. angry for ever trusting eddie fucking munson. it’s like a fire rising from your stomach. the same rage you felt as nancy begged for her life.

‘i was gonna make him watch,’ he nods his head towards steve, ‘but i don’t think he’ll be waking up anytime soon,’ a roar erupts from his stomach, a psychotic laugh as the knife runs down your cheek surely drawing blood.

‘please,’ you plead, trying one last time to make him listen, just let you go and it could all be forgotten about.

‘n’aww, it’s kinda pathetic that you, of all people are begging for me to save you,’ he laughs again, moving the blade to your exposed neck.

your face scrunches in anger and the back of your forearm comes up to knock the knife out of his hand. it clatters to the floor and you take the opportunity to stand, barging past eddie and going straight for the door.

‘you bitch,’ he spits, jumping up and just about managing to grab onto your sleeve, jerking your back towards him.

his fingers dig into your arm, spinning you around to face him. a ferocity on his face that you hadn’t seen before. he wasn’t even this angry with jason.

his free hand comes up, landing a solid backhanded shot at your face. knocking the wind out of your stomach. you stumble for a moment, trying to ignore the pulsing pain in your head.

in the chaos, you trip over steve’s extended foot, landing on his carpet with a thud. eddie takes advantage of the higher ground, shoving you over fully. dropping to his knees, placing them either side of your rib cage, his full weight on top of you.

you struggle to regain your breath, balling his t-shirt in your fist, mouth wide as your lungs refuse to fill back up.

‘eddie..’ you manage to gasp out, voice hoarse. a desperate plea.

he scoffs, ‘it’s too late.. i can’t help you now,’ his hands come up to your neck, aggressively pressing down against your trachea, knocking any last air from your throat.

his hands tighten. his breathing heavy as your vision goes black from the lack of oxygen. your nails dig into his wrist in a last ditch attempt to get him off of you.

‘this could’ve all been so easy.. this is your fault,’ he frowns, staring down at you as your legs kick out beneath him, ‘i did this.. for you,’ he’s panting as if he was the one being strangled to fucking death.

the fuzzy feeling in your head started to feel good, like there was no point in fighting this anymore. it was almost calming. warm and welcoming.

your eyes close fully, surrounded by darkness and that uncertain feeling of what was to come next. this was it. this was your karma. it was deserved. you’d taken so much from other people, now it was your turn.

eddie’s body is thrown off of you, a jumble of voices invade the room but you’re too weak to even open your eyes. falling into what you assume was a certain death.

-

well, you weren’t dead. the bright white lights pretty much solidified that fact when you opened your eyes. you knew damn well that there were no pearly gates waiting for you on the other side.

you blink, unsure of what you were even looking at. the beeping sound confirms that you were in hospital, the sterile smell filling your nose as you come around.

two heads appear above you, though you can’t fully make out who the fuck it is.

‘ma’am?’ one of the heads calls out, his voice ringing in your ears.

your mouth tastes like metal. dry and gross. it makes you want to barf.

‘ma’am..’ he says, more certain this time, ‘we’d like to ask you some questions about your involvement with an edward munson?’

[brummiereader]

@mischievouslittlecreature urgh Mosley, been waiting for him to make his dreaded appearance 😬.

Incredible chapter Lily! I'm so relieved to see Lucy finally put her foot down when it comes to Lizzie. It needed to be said, but I can't see things lasting very long when it comes to her yo-yo behaviour 😤.

“Have Isiah keep an eye on him. They’re friends, and he’ll make sure he doesn’t do anything too stupid.” 👀, this feels like Michael all over again in The Shadow Of The Abattoir when Lucy's gut was telling her something was off. I know this is only a passing comment, but I've got a feeling this will pop up again in later parts.

I’m part of you forever, now, his and Luca’s voices, mingled into one, whispered inside her head where they now lived. This Is so haunting, because when you really think about it, Luca got it kinda easy. He's dead, but Lucy has to live on with the pain and reminder of what he did. And what's even worse is, she has to physically endure every day the damage his torture did to her body. It must feel like she's being cut over and over again. It's horrible 😭. I'm glad Tommy was there to relieve some of that pain and tension for her. If may forget to look after herself, but Tommy certainly won't ❤️.

As much as I hate the man, your description of him when Lucy is sat watching him and when he introduces himself after, was just perfect 👌🏼. I could literally see him in front of me... unfortunately 😂.

Lucy swore that for a second their eyes met, before she hastily looked away from him and back to Tommy. This gave me shivers 👀. I swear my brain conjured up this exact moment as I read it, and it's was so fucking creepy.

“How did I do?” he asked, once he found her standing at the usual spot where she always waited for him. I couldn't not mention this little line, it was so cute how he quickly sought her out to ask how he did 🥰. Arghhh, I wana squish his cheeks 😂.

“Well, aren’t you a pretty little thing?” She felt Tommy tense beside her at Mosley’s words. Urghh he's gross. I nearly forgot that Tommy and Lucy are keeping their relationship secret, and that's why Tommy didn't react to this. But part of me now thinks that Mosley is onto them already and he did this on purpose. I wouldn't put it past him 😬.

Does that mean I get to play with him now?- ”Tommy chuckled, raising the lighter to his own cigarette before closing it with a click. “Easy, girl. I gave him until Monday to get us the full amount.” 🤣, I loved this whole exchange! I adore their playful flirty exchanges and how they're always under the guise of murdering or "dealing" with some one 🤭.

Loved the office quickie 🔥👌🏼. Possessed Tommy telling her to be silent when he can barely hold it together is everything!

A huge round of applause for Lucy 👏🏼! Lizzie deserved those hard truths, and she deserved to finally hear how incredibly selfish SHE has been. Lucy and Tommy have been nothing but accomodating towards her, and she's thrown tantrum after tantrum, demanding more.

I think the thing that continues to irritate me the most is, how she thinks Tommy and her relationship should he held to the same standards of a loving marriage when there's is a bloody contract 😬! She has all these demands that a wife should rightfully have, but she forgets that Tommy is only her husband by law. Gahhhh 😤.

You sap up all his love for yourself and leave nothing for the rest of us! You don’t care that him spending time with you means he’s not here with his family! Those children. 👀!! Yep, she's using the children again to place guilt on Lucy. This is such a low blow and she knows it, because if Lucy didn't exist and wasn't a part of Tommy's life, we all know he still wouldn't be giving her the love she thinks she's owed.

Lizzie continued to just stare at her with a look of both extreme sorrow and loathing, and then she picked up Ruby’s suitcase and shouldered past her without another word. Let her go 😌. I think they all need a long break from each other anyway.

Fantastic chapter! I'm so eager to see how things will play out with both Lizzie and Mosley 😬!

Part 26: Do You Love Me

Summary: Tommy and Lucy meet a man dangerous enough to frighten them both, and Lizzie reaches a breaking point.

Word Count: 6,543

Warnings: Smut, polyamory, chronic pain, references to violence, past torture, and past sexual assault.

Previous Chapter • Series • Fic • Next Chapter

Chapter 2: Selfish

“Lizzie is going to be mad about that for a good long while,” Lucy commented, one hand stuffed into her trousers pocket while the other flicked ash from her cigarette down onto the cobblestones. Her eyes swiveled around, taking in the ash, flames, and glowing embers being emitted into the air by the nearby factories. All around them was the bustle of men and women going about their business, children with dirtied faces and knees marked up with scrapes and soot racing through the streets together. She dropped a few shillings into the cup of a young girl who wandered past them. 

The train station that they were headed to wasn’t particularly far, and it was good for the people to see Tommy out amongst them, walking to work and taking the train like any other ordinary working man. So when they could, they made the trek to the train on foot. 

She didn’t mind. It was nice to get out into the familiar smoky air, settled like a black cloud over most of Birmingham. Despite everything, it still felt like it was where she most belonged. In the dirt and flames of hell. 

Though it did mean that they had to keep a professional distance from each other. No hand holding or letting their sides brush and bump. They couldn’t risk looking suspiciously close. Not even in Tommy’s own kingdom of Small Heath.

“Yeah,” Tommy sighed heavily. “But what else is fucking new?”

She cast him a regretful look. “I’m sorry.”

“What? Why? You didn’t even do anything.”

“It always feels like I’m the root cause of most of her anger towards you.”

“No; you’re not.” She felt him casting her a worried look. “It’s not your fault.”

She didn’t tell him that she didn’t believe that. It would only upset him. And he didn’t need to be worrying about her feelings on top of everything else already on his plate.  

“She’s mad because you tell me things that you don’t tell her.”

“Which isn’t fucking new. That’s always how things have been. If she’s only realizing that now…”

“I think she’s more upset about it being thrown in her face than anything else.”

He shook his head, teeth grinding together. “I’m going to cuff Finn the next time I see him. Jesus Christ.”

“Arthur’s right about him needing educating. The kid can’t keep his mouth shut to save his life.” As she spoke, she rolled her right shoulder back and forth, trying to ease the twinge that had settled in it. Tommy huffed. 

“Yeah. I’ll put him in charge of running the football betting at the shop. Give him something productive to do.”

“Have Isiah keep an eye on him. They’re friends, and he’ll make sure he doesn’t do anything too stupid.”

Tommy nodded. They caught the train just before it left the station, slipping into an empty compartment and closing the door, drawing down the blind that covered the window on the door, hiding them from any curious eyes that may have tried to peek in from the narrow hallway.

“May called earlier. She said that she was at a party that a couple other MPs were attending recently. One of them was asking about you,” Lucy settled into her seat, the train whistling shrilly before starting to move, steadily picking up speed as it pulled out from the station. 

“Oh?”

“Oswald Mosley. He’s the MP for Smethwick. Also the Minister of the Duchy of Lancaster,” she fiddled with her rings, twisting them anxiously around her fingers. “May had…a lot of bad things to say about him.” Another throb of pain rocketed from the bottom of her shoulder blades up to the base of her neck, and she had to fight back a flinch. Fucking Luca. Dead and long gone, and yet still haunting her through the aches and pains that the torture he had put through had left. 

Just like Matthew, her former fiancé and the man who instigated the gang rape that left her nearly dead and fleeing to Small Heath to escape marrying him. He too lingered with her still–despite his deceased status–through the scars he and his friends had left all over her body.

I’m part of you forever, now, his and Luca’s voices, mingled into one, whispered inside her head where they now lived. 

“Lucy?” Tommy’s voice pulled her from her thoughts, his hand lightly touching her arm. She jumped a little, jerking back to life, eyes wide when they met his. “You alright?”

“Y-yeah. Sorry. Just thinking. What did you say?”

His eyes narrowed a fraction, and she was pretty sure that he sensed the slight waver in her voice that she attempted to cover up. But he must have decided not to comment on it if he did. 

“What does Mosley want with me?” He instead repeated patiently. 

“He didn’t exactly say. But May said that he was asking an awful lot about your moral standings on things. She thought that he might’ve been trying to feel out if you would be amiable to joining the new party he’s rumored to be building.”

“The fascists, you mean?”

“Yeah.” They had been sprouting up everywhere it seemed, lately. Germany. Italy. Even in England. It was spooky. “I could do some more research into him, if you think that it would be worth it.”

Tommy considered for a moment, blue eyes glancing out the window to observe the countryside they were whizzing by. “Yes, you do that. He’s gathering information about me, it would only be fair to return the favor.”

She nodded, a hand unconsciously going up to grasp at her still aching shoulder, trying to rub away some of the pain. But she never could seem to get the right angle…

“Are your shoulders bothering you?”

She looked up to find Tommy still watching her, observant eyes zoned in on where her fingers were subtly kneading. With a sigh, she dropped her hand, rolling the aching bone and muscle back and forth with a wince. There was no use trying to lie to him. 

“A little.” 

His head cocked, pushing up with his hands off the seat he was slumped in across from her to instead settle in the space next to her. “Here.”

“Tommy…!” she immediately started to protest, eyes going panickedly to the blinds covering the window of the door leading into their compartment. 

“Don’t worry. No one will see with the blinds closed. And we’re just passing country right now,” he nodded towards the window, which sure enough was only displaying green fields and farmland. “Let me help. If you don’t do anything for them, they’ll be killing you by this evening.”

Spoken from true experience. He’d seen her when the pain got really bad, leaving her unable to sleep or do anything other than cry and writhe, as if trying to get away from the pains wracking through nearly her entire upper back. 

Slumping in defeat, she nodded, turning to angle herself with her back facing him. His large hands found her shoulders, so big they nearly swallowed the entire expanse of each one in his palms–or maybe she was just that tiny. A small sigh of relief left her lips when he began rubbing gentle but firm circles into her skin, just like how the doctor had instructed him to when explaining ways to help reduce her pain. Slowly, he started to urge the tensed up muscles to relax enough to give her some relief. 

“Did you not do your stretches yesterday?” he asked. Lucy shook her head. 

“Forgot.”

She was supposed to do them everyday, to avoid things like this happening so frequently. But in all the chaos yesterday, they’d completely slipped her mind. And sleeping on the hard earth with nothing but Tommy to use as a pillow probably hadn’t helped things.  

“Hm. Sorry; I should’ve reminded you.”

“Not your fault.”

He pressed his fingers a little harder into her skin. “How’s that feeling?”

“Better.”

He hummed, pressing a kiss to her temple. “Just try to relax.”

“Pot meet kettle.”

“You want me to stop?”

“...No.”

He chuckled, the first real laugh she’d heard from him since before yesterday, and rested his cheek against her hair while his hands continued to work. Lucy allowed herself to melt a little under his touch, for a moment not worrying about them getting caught together, or about Lizzie, or Michael, or the company. She was able to just rest. Even if only for a moment. All the while Tommy gently rubbed the pain from her body.

∗ ∗ ∗  

She so did love to watch Tommy speak in the house. 

He stood there, amidst the smoke emitting from cigarettes and pipes, glasses perched on his nose, notes held in his hand, his voice ringing out, deep and rumbling. Pretty, eloquent words. He had them all in the palm of his hand and he knew it, the men seated in the benches around him, and those in the observation area with her all clinging to his every word. And when he was finished, those on his side of the room cheered and rapped their hands approvingly against the wood of their benches, the entire room thundering with the sound. 

Lucy couldn’t help but think that the room looked like a theater. 

Who were they performing for? Themselves? Each other? The people in the observation booths? All of them at once? It was hard to say. 

She spotted him seated to Tommy’s right–her left. In the row below Tommy’s, the third man in from the aisle. His dark hair was slicked back, the mustache that decorated his upper lip meticulously groomed. One side of his lips pulled up at something Tommy said, his eyes gleaming. Lucy felt a shiver go down her spine. Humor may have been what was intended to cross his face, but those eyes of his were dead. No emotion to be found in them at all. They remained focused straight ahead as Tommy spoke, except for one specific, notable moment, when they flickered towards the observational benches where she, along with some secretaries, journalists, and other observers, sat to watch the men speak. Lucy swore that for a second their eyes met, before she hastily looked away from him and back to Tommy. Her skin crawled, the fine, fair hairs on the back of her arms standing up straight. Her very insides seemed to recoil, every instinct within her screaming to get up and run as far away from that man as she could possibly get. 

She kept her eyes glued firmly at Tommy for the reminder of the time spent in the house, despite originally going there specifically to observe Mosley.

She felt that she’d gotten all the information that she needed to about what kind of person he was from just that quick glance alone. 

Soon as they were done, she stood, gathering up her notes, tucking them securely in the crook of her arm and making for the exit where she would meet Tommy out in the hall. 

“How did I do?” he asked, once he found her standing at the usual spot where she always waited for him. Lucy caught herself wishing desperately that she could have pressed a kiss to his cheek.

“Splendid as always, love.”

He looked away, lips twitching up slightly, clearing his throat bashfully. “Come on.”

Lucy smiled a little to herself at the reaction, falling into step beside him, heading in the direction of their office.  

“Did you get what you needed?” he asked, as they walked.

“Sort of.”

His brow raised. “Sort of?” he quoted back to her.

“I don’t like looking at him,” she explained in a lowered voice. “He makes my skin crawl.”

“Mm.” Tommy hummed in agreement. 

“Lord Suckerby’s secretary said you’re welcome to come by anytime between now and the end of the day to see him,” she told him just as they were interrupted by a voice calling his name from one of the open doors they passed.

They stopped, turned, and were met face to face with Oswald Mosley, a barbed smile sliding into place across his features as those empty eyes bored into Tommy. Lucy’s skin roiled in response to his posh, clipped voice when he spoke, introducing himself and holding out a hand for Tommy to shake. His sly smile never once ceased, eyes never leaving Tommy’s as he took his hand and shook it firmly. 

“Let me just say, you’ve come to my attention,” the words were spoken in a croon, with the smallest of head tilts. Lucy couldn’t fully decide if the intended effect was supposed to be predatory, or seductive. 

Before Tommy could reply. Mosley’s eyes had snapped, sharp and quick, like a snake striking, to fix on Lucy. She had to fight back the urge to hide behind her lover’s back. The expression on Mosley’s face turned wolfish. 

“Well, aren’t you a pretty little thing?” She felt Tommy tense beside her at Mosley’s words. “Oswald Mosley,” he extended his hand towards her. Lucy felt ill at the thought of touching him, but forced herself to reach out and take his hand. It was cold as ice and dry as a bone.

“Lucy Winters,” she introduced herself, shaking Mosley’s hand once before letting it go, pushing away the urge to wipe her palm on her trousers. “I’m Mr. Shelby’s assistant.” 

Mosley’s eyes darted between them, one eyebrow quirking upwards, a smirk settling on his lips. “Hm. Lucky you, Mr. Shelby.” 

“If you’ll excuse us, Mr. Mosley, we have to get going.”

“Yes, yes, of course. But if you aren’t too busy, I would love the opportunity to speak with you more. Perhaps over drinks?”

Tommy considered. “You can call my office,” was all he ultimately said, hastily turning on his heel and starting down the hall again. Lucy hurried after him, not wanting to be left alone with Mosley. 

“You’re really going to meet with him?” she asked, once they were far enough away to be out of ear shot. 

“Just to hear what he has to say.” He looked over at her. “Don’t worry, I’m not sympathetic to his cause. But keep your enemies closer, eh?”

“Yeah.” She looked over her shoulder, half expecting Mosley to appear spontaneously behind them. “He scares me a little, Tommy.” Her voice was a rough whisper, half ashamed at the omission. 

“Me too.”

That got her attention, and when she looked at Tommy, she noticed something almost unsteady under the guarded armor he kept carefully in place across his eyes. Fear squeezed at her throat. 

A man who was bad enough to make Tommy so frightened was something she hadn’t even thought existed.

“You head on back to the office,” he said, changing the subject with a small clearing of his throat. “I think I’ll go see Lord Suckerby now.”

“You don’t want me to come with you?” He shook his head. “I think it’ll make a stronger impression if I go see him alone.”

“You think he’ll give you any trouble?”

“Maybe. Depends on how hard he was hit by the crash.”

She frowned. She hadn’t really thought about that. Though she probably should have. “Everyone was hit by the crash.”

“Yeah.”

“If Suckerby can’t pay us…”

“He will. I’m not giving him any other choice.”

She pressed her lips together in a small smile. “I’d like first crack at him, if it comes to it.”

Tommy shot her an amused look. “Oh, is that so?”

“After seeing those photos that he wanted us to get for him, there are a couple of things I’d very much like to do to him.”

During the train ride to London she had flipped through the small package of photographs, letters, and cheques that Isiah had handed off to her while they were in Birmingham. Everything he and Aberama had collected from the man they killed in Chinatown who had been using the contents of that package to blackmail Suckerby. Her stomach had roiled at the contents of some of them, bile rising.

Lord Suckerby was one disgusting man. Maybe after he paid them, an unfortunate accident could befall him. Like falling out a window or getting run over by a bus.  

Based on the thunderous, repulsed look that had crossed Tommy’s features when she showed him the photographs, Lucy thought he may very well be open to the idea. The envelope was now stashed safely in the inner pocket of her suit jacket, snug against her side. It would remain there until Suckerby paid what he owed them for their services.

“Alright,” Tommy said, eyes still dancing with fond, quiet mirth. “He doesn’t corporate, he’s all yours.”

She beamed, only just managing to restrain herself from throwing her arms around his neck, stretching up on toes, and planting a firm kiss to his temple that would have left his fair skin stained with red smudges from her lipstick. “Thank you, Tommy,” she said instead, adding what she hoped came across as a playful, affectionate lilt to her voice. He glanced over at her, one edge of his lips nudging upwards, eyes softening. 

They came to a hallway splitting off into two separate directions. This was where they parted ways. Her, turning left to head to their office, him, heading right, towards where Lord Suckerby’s offices were located. 

“I’ll see you soon?”

He nodded. “This won’t take long.”

“I’ll phone his office when I get in and let them know you’re coming. So they’ll be expecting you.”

“Right.”

“And then you have a few more meetings this afternoon.”

“Mm.” He lowered his voice. “I thought that we’d stay at the apartment for the night, rather than go back to Arrow House.”

“That probably would be a good idea. It’d give Lizzie some time to cool down.”

“Exactly.” 

She nodded, moving to head in the direction leading to their office. “Good luck.”

“Thanks.”

She walked backwards a few paces, fondly watching his broad back disappear around the corner before turning and making her way the rest of the short walk back to the little corner of Parliament that they presided over. 

∗ ∗ ∗

She had not been back in the office long when Tommy returned, heavy footed steps booming against the floor and swiping his fringe from his eyes. 

“How did it go?” Lucy asked, looking up from her desk.

“By the time I left the room, he was screaming my name,” he thumbed a cigarette from his silver case. Lucy raised an eyebrow.

“Is that a euphemism?”

Tommy snorted, plucking out a second cigarette to hand to her. “He only had twenty thousand to give to us.”

“Really?” That wasn’t even half of the fifty thousand pounds they’d agreed upon. She placed her cigarette between her lips and leaned forward towards the flame of his lighter when he held it up for her. “Does that mean I get to play with him now?”

Tommy chuckled, raising the lighter to his own cigarette before closing it with a click. “Easy, girl. I gave him until Monday to get us the full amount.”  

She pouted a little, leaning back into her chair. “You’re going soft, Shelby.”  

“No,” Tommy’s eyes danced amusedly. He reached out, brushing his thumb down her cheek. It was a risky move, since anyone could walk through the door at any moment, but she didn’t pull her face away from the tender touch. “I just want my fifty thousand pounds.”

“Mm. Whatever you say, love.”

His thumb inched into dangerous territory, ghosting over her bottom lip. She aimed a playful nip at it, and he drew his hand back with a grin. 

“Cheeky mare.”

Lucy smiled at him, batting her eyelashes innocently in an ‘I’m-very-sure-I-don’t-know-what-you-mean’ kind of way. Though remnants of his smile lingered on his face and his eyes remained softened fondly, Tommy’s expression turned serious again.  

“Hey, make that research into Mosley top priority, yeah? I wanna be ready when I next see him.”

“Yes, boss.” She gave him a little two finger salute. The corner of his lips kicked up again.

“Thank you.” 

She watched him head through the double doors into his office, leaving them open behind him, a silent invitation for her to come keep him company if she wanted. Gathering up some of her papers, she rose from her chair to follow him. 

It was, after all, an invitation that she never passed up. 

∗ ∗ ∗  

It was dark by the time they started to pack up to leave for the day. Tommy had one final appointment, but Lucy figured she would get a head start on closing the office up while he spoke with the journalist from the London Times. She eyed Michael Levitt as Adam–Tommy’s other secretary at Westminster–led him into Tommy’s office, noting the nervous way that the journalist  kept fidgeting with his hat while he waited. A moment later, Adam came back out, casting an anxious look over his shoulder to where Levitt had taken a seat in front of Tommy’s desk. 

“Mr. Shelby said I was to go home,” he came over to her desk, keeping his voice lowered. She nodded.

“Then go home. I’ll take care of locking everything up.”

“Right.” 

She watched him gather up his things and head for the door, one ear focused on trying to overhear the mumbled voices of Tommy and Levitt. “See you tomorrow,” she told Adam.

“Goodnight,” he nodded. Soon as he was gone, she stood smoothly, snatching up the little journal perched on the corner of her desk and going to Tommy’s office. He had left the doors open, so she was able to slip in without so much as a sound, footsteps muffled against the rugs lining the floor. 

Levitt was visibly sweating, stuttering over his words. Lucy raised an eyebrow, going to where Tommy’s coat was hung up to his right behind his desk. She slipped the journal into the pocket, giving it a tap twice, watching out of the corner of her eye how Tommy’s gaze followed her. He gave a barely indiscernible nod in acknowledgement, and she spun on her heel and left the room, letting her eyes meet the timid Levitt’s for a second before turning her head away. 

She flitted around her and Adam’s office, putting things away and locking them up for safe keeping, even doing some tidying. The whole time, she listened closely to the words being murmured between Tommy and the journalist. At one point, not long before Levitt rushed from the room, she heard Tommy quoting directly from some of the notes she had written in the little journal during her time spent researching Levitt and his activities. 

Soon as he was gone, she locked the door behind him and went back to Tommy’s office. 

“I take it that could have gone better?” she moved to stand on his side of the desk, arms folded over her chest and back leaning against the hard wooden edge. Her head cocked as she watched him rub at his eyes. 

“He was asking about Campbell and Polly.”

“I heard. You want him to be taken care of?”

Tommy wetted his lips, considering. “Yes,” he decided. “Last thing we need is a reporter sniffing around.”

“Yeah. He doesn’t seem like the type that we could just pay off. I’ll have some of our boys handle it at his apartment in Maida Vale. Quick and clean.” 

“Have them do it with enough flourish that it’ll make other journalists nervous. To dissuade anyone else from trying anything for a while.”

“But not easily linked to us, right?”

“Right. And let’s just keep it between you and me. Last thing I need is more temper tantrums over my not sharing information.”

“Okay.”

Tommy leaned back in his chair, reaching out to smooth his hand up and down her thigh. “Thank you.”

“Of course.”

His arms looped around her, and she laughed quietly when he pulled her closer, his head tipping back to stare up at her, blue eyes wide and mischievous. 

“Adam went home?”

“Yes.”

“Hm…so it’s just us, then?”

Her fingers smoothed through his dark hair, fighting back a smirk. “Yes, it’s just us.”

With a purring sound from low in the back of his throat, he took hold of her hips and pulled her closer. 

“Tommy!” She laughed as he maneuvered her into his lap, as if this was not something they had done dozens of times before. As if she had not let him fuck her on top of his big desk the very first day they spent in the new office, her face burying in his shoulder with her teeth sinking into the thick fabric of his suit jacket to try to keep herself quiet while his cock pounded into her. 

He pushed open her suit jacket, popping free the first two buttons on her shirt and dipping his head to press his lips to the newly exposed skin. Wriggling in his lap, Lucy hissed at the feeling of his cock already hardening in his trousers, the material bulging against her. 

Tangling her hands in his hair, she tipped his head back enough to kiss him, moaning softly as his hands smoothed up her thighs, urging her to rock against him and fumbling with her belt. It was late, most people working in the building would have already gone home for the evening. But they still needed to be quiet. 

“Mm, did you lock the door?” Tommy asked in a low, rough murmur that went straight to her cunt, walls fluttering around nothing. The things he could do to her with just his voice alone were downright sinful. 

“Yes.”

He made a noise of approval that turned her legs to jelly. “Good,” he lifted her from his lap for a microsecond to slip her loosened trousers and knickers down, hand burning hot where it slid up her exposed thigh. “Always such a good girl for me.”

“A-ah…” her head lolled back, eyes rolling both at the praise and the first brush of his thick fingers across her entrance, circling lazily around her clit. 

“Gotta keep quiet, now,” he continued to mumble in her ear, breath warm where it fanned against her cheek. “Can you do that for me?”

She nodded vigorously. That was all she wanted; to be good for him. To make him happy. 

Turning his head, Tommy pressed a kiss to her temple and gingerly slipped one finger into her while his thumb occupied itself with rolling over her clit. He kept his movements careful and slow until he got her more warmed up, waiting until slickness coated his hand generously before adding a second finger and increasing the pace of his pumps. 

“There you go,” he hummed when he felt her start to flutter around him. “There you go, that’s a good girl…”

“Tom…” she whimpered, biting her lip to try to keep herself quiet, not wanting to disappoint him by letting any sounds slip out to be heard beyond this room.

“I know,” he soothed. “That’s my girl. Bite down on my shoulder if you need to.”

She did just that, nosing the material of his clothing aside to taste his bare skin between her lips. Tommy groaned, low and quiet but impossibly deep, at the first sting of her teeth against him. Her walls tightened, moments away from bursting. His fingers curled within her, pressing right into the spot that made her see stars.  

“Let go,” he ordered in a sweet whisper aimed directly into her ear, and she bit down hard to try to hinder what would have been an incredibly loud moan as her orgasm wrecked through her like a firecracker, bright lights exploding behind her eyes, entire body shuddering with it, pressing close to him instinctively.  

Tommy guided her through it, slowly coaxing her down from her high until she slumped against him.

“Good. Very good, sweetheart.”

She made a happy little noise at the praise, snuggling closer to his neck, nuzzling at the bitemark she’d left on him. Tommy stroked the back of her head, kissing her hair. Sneakily, she snaked a hand down between their bodies to palm the bulge in his trousers, and it was his turn to try to stifle his noises of pleasure, teeth locking down tight around the groan rising from his throat. 

Arms wrapping around her, he lifted her seemingly effortlessly off of his lap, setting her down on the edge of his desk while he stood, hands dropping down to fumble with his trousers. Lucy felt her mouth water at the sight of his long, impossibly thick erection bobbing against his stomach after being released from its confines. Tommy gave himself a few good, languid strokes, jaw dropping open as his eyelashes fluttered, face inches from hers. Lucy spread her legs wider, encouraging him in between them. Her hands grabbed at handfuls of his suit jacket while he lined himself up, sliding in with one deep thrust. 

“Oh,” Tommy rested his cheek against hers, hands flexing where they landed on her hip and thigh. 

“Quiet, remember?” she teased slightly, trailing her fingertips through his hair. He shivered, letting out a breathless chuckle followed by a kiss to her cheek. Burying his face in her neck, hands bracing on her body, he started to move. She could tell that he was trying to start out slow and give her time to adjust to his considerable size, but all it took was her purposefully squeezing around his cock and wrapping her legs around his waist, and his efforts went up in smoke. 

He bucked into her like a man possessed, low grunts muffled against her throat, a few trinkets rattling on the desk from the force of his thrusts. Lucy tucked her face back in against his shoulder, biting down hard on her bottom lip to try to contain her whimpers and moans as his swollen tip rubbed right up against her g-spot with each roll of his hips. 

“Shit. Squeezing me so tight, love,” Tommy rasped out, hand slipping between their bodies to rub at her clit. “Give me another one, yeah? I know you can, sweetheart.”

“Mm…” Her back arched, pressing her clothed breasts into his chest. Her legs tightened around him, and her jaw clenched with the effort it was taking for her not to let the volume of her noises get too high. His cock twitched and throbbed inside her, in the way that she knew meant his orgasm was imminent. The pleasure built like steam rising in a kettle, tension mounting until she felt moments away from bursting. Her walls spasmed uncontrollably around him, as if wanting to keep him locked in place within her for all eternity. Tommy hitched her thigh up a little higher on his hip, allowing his cock to get just that much deeper into her, and applied more pressure to her clit with his thumb. 

She came at the same moment that she managed to grab his face and bring his mouth crashing down onto hers, each of them swallowing what would have been massive moans as they both came fantastically. Her walls clamped down around him, insides fluttering with the force with which she came. Tommy’s chest vibrated under her palms with his growl as he finished, grinding his tip in as deep as he could go while spurting jets of seed into her. 

Lucy released a blissful sigh, closing her eyes and riding out the waves of her climax while basking in the feeling of him spilling his load into her. 

Tommy slumped forwards against her, face nestling in the crook of her shoulder, lips pressing to her neck delicately whilst he relaxed. His arms wound around her in a warm embrace, a quiet purr leaving his chest when she stroked the back of his head. 

“We should go,” Lucy finally broke the silence that had stretched on between them. Tommy nodded, shifting to carefully pull out of her, tucking himself back into his trousers and straightening out his clothes. He plucked a handkerchief from his pocket for her to use to clean the mix of their releases from her thighs, then let her hold onto his shoulders when she hopped off the edge of the desk and regained her balance. 

“Have you got everything locked up?” he asked as she pulled her slacks back up.

“Yeah, just gotta grab a few things from my desk to take with us.”

“Good. I wanna get out of here.”

She raised an eyebrow. “Tommy Shelby eager to leave work? Is there a special occasion I’m not aware of?”

He rolled his eyes, giving her hip a light pinch. “No occasion.” He swiped a few locks of hair off of her forehead and cradled the back of her neck, a smile tugging on the edges of his lips while his eyes looked her up and down. There was something heated in them that made her thighs squeeze together. “Except that I’m not even close to done with you yet.”

∗ ∗ ∗ 

“You know, Frances, if there were to be a snap election in this house today, I wouldn’t win it. Even if I were running against the devil himself,” Tommy remarked to their housekeeper once they’d gotten home. Frances shot him a sympathetic look. 

“I’d still vote for you,” Lucy offered. Tommy gave her a peck on the cheek.

“Thanks, love.”

He went off to go talk to Charlie where he was sulking in the stables while Lucy ventured upstairs, wandering through the winding hallways until she heard the hum of Lizzie and Ruby’s voices. Coming to a halt in the doorway of Ruby’s room, she watched them where they were seated together in the rocking chair by the window, Ruby in Lizzie’s lap, head resting on her mother’s chest while Lizzie read to her from a book. 

“Hi, Lucy!” Ruby said when she spotted her. Lucy smiled.

“Hey, kiddo.”

“Is Daddy with you?”

“He’s down at the stables.”

She let out an excited squeal, jumping off Lizzie’s lap and racing for the door.

“Ruby, what have I told you about running in the house!?” Lizzie shouted after her, but the little girl was already long gone. Lizzie rolled her eyes fondly, shaking her head and closing the book. As Lucy watched her stand to put it away on a shelf, she noticed Ruby’s suitcase laid out on the bed, half filled with clothes. 

“Going somewhere?”

Lizzie sighed, glancing over at the suitcase, then back at Lucy. “I’m taking Ruby to Arthur’s.”

Lucy stared at her. “Why?”

Lizzie’s lips pulled back from her teeth. “Because, I realized this afternoon that I’d rather swallow horse shit than sit down and eat dinner with you and him.” She began to zip up Ruby’s luggage. “I need to get away. From both of you. At least for a while.”

“You could have phoned and we would’ve stayed at the apartment in London like we did last night if you really don’t want us here this weekend.”

“I don’t know if it’s going to be for just one weekend.”

Lucy straightened. “What do you mean?”

Lizzie didn't reply. 

“You cannot be serious. Now, Lizzie? You want to toy around with the idea of splitting up with your husband now? Of all fucking times?”

“He made me look like an idiot at the family meeting!” Lizzie burst out, head lifting and tears in her eyes. “Everyone else knew about the bloody hit in Chinatown except for me! I am his wife! I should be informed of these things first! Especially before you!” The way that she spat out that last word, so full of hate and disgust, made Lucy flinch.  

“For fuck’s sake, Lizzie! There’s a lot of shit here that you are more than justified in being unhappy about, but this? Really? This is where you draw the line?” A humorless laugh left her lips. “I hate to break it to you, but him not telling you things is a normal occurrence. Ada didn’t know about what was happening in Chinatown either.” 

Lizzie looked away, irritably picking up a stuffed animal off of Ruby’s bed. Lucy took a deep breath, and when she spoke again her voice was much calmer. 

“This is not worth throwing a bloody temper tantrum over, Lizzie.”

“I’m tired of being disrespected,” she lifted her head. “I’m his wife, and he needs to start treating him as such.”

Lucy groaned, raising her palms to her face, fighting back the urge to scream into them. “Just once, could you knock it off with the attitude?”

“Easy for you to say, when you always get everything that you want–”

“Oh, do I, now?” Lucy rounded on her. “You think that this,” she gestured vaguely, “is what I want? To have to share him with a woman who openly hates me?”

“I don’t hate you–”

But Lucy talked right over her. “To have to live with the constant worry that you might push me out or he might change his mind and throw me out on the street? That it could happen like that,” she snapped her fingers. “And I could lose everything? Do you think that I wanted to live with that dangling over my head at all hours of the day, Lizzie?” She met the taller woman’s stormy eyes levelly. “We’re all getting a shit deal out of this, so stop feeling so fucking sorry for yourself, and make the best of it,” she moved to the door. 

“You are so fucking selfish, you know that!?” Lizzie shrieked after her, finally fully exploding. “You sap up all his love for yourself and leave nothing for the rest of us! You don’t care that him spending time with you means he’s not here with his family! Those children,” she pointed towards the window that looked out to the stables, “deserve a father who prioritizes them over running after his fucking mistress.”

“Don’t you dare try to use the kids–”

“Well, somebody in this household has to advocate for them!”

“Don’t act like you aren’t just using them as a way to try to get what you want.”

Lizzie’s lips slammed into a thin line. “I’m going. And I’m taking Ruby with me.”

“But not Charlie?” Lucy challenged. 

“If I thought that I could take him without Tommy tearing me apart over it, I would,” Lizzie’s voice had suddenly grown very quiet. “I’d take the two of them far away from you both and never look back.”

Lucy shook her head, exhausted. “He’s not that bad, Lizzie. Compared to what he could be? He’s not that bad at all. He doesn’t hit you. He loves those kids…” she could see from the expression of stone on Lizzie’s face that none of her words would be able to reach her, and yet she tried anyway. “He’s got so much to deal with right now. Please don’t make it worse for him.”

Lizzie continued to just stare at her with a look of both extreme sorrow and loathing, and then she picked up Ruby’s suitcase and shouldered past her without another word.

Previous Chapter • Series • Fic • Next Chapter

Thank you for reading! Please consider leaving a comment, reblog, or like. I always appreciate feedback and love getting the opportunity to interact with you and hear your thoughts!

[munsonsreputation]

hi kay! how are you, my love?

you got me thinking a lot about taylor swift songs that give steve harrington vibes! (like 80% of the time i'm thinking about it, and 20% of the time i'm waiting for someone to mention taylor to start thinking about it again). well, this one is not happy, but have you ever thought of the last time? he's at her front door, lots of angst, and lots of heartbreak.

(i promise i'll think of something happy)

effie, this request literally BROKE ME...this is such a Steve song and imo the most underrated song on Red TV. Please, please, please, slide into my inbox so we can discuss which taylor songs are steve vibes!!!

anyways, I really hope you like this...thank you for this incredibly heart wrenching ask 😭💘

Steve didn’t know how he got here, right in front of your doorstep, but somehow the roads always led him here. 

To you. 

He tried to forget you, exactly how you told him to, time and time again, but he just couldn’t. His heart couldn’t let you go, no matter how hard he tried. No matter how many other dates he went on. No matter how many meaningless conversations he had with strangers. No matter how many people he kissed. 

He always wanted you. 

It wasn’t that Steve didn’t love you, because he did. He was madly and irrevocably in love with you. But he was also stupid. He said things he didn’t mean. He made you cry a countless amount of times. And he broke your heart over and over again with no remorse. 

He didn’t deserve you. 

But still he knocked. 

You stared down the hallway, chest rising deeply as you knew exactly who it was on the other side. He always had a habit of showing up at ridiculous hours of the night. Hours that you were awake, and he knew that. For a second you contemplated ignoring him, walking towards your bedroom and tucking yourself into bed in hopes of never seeing him again. 

But you didn’t do that. 

The doorknob turned and there he was. Hands in his pockets, a deep breath leaving his mouth, and a tight-lipped smile on his face. 

“Sorry, if I woke you.” 

Sorry, Sorry, Sorry…always fucking sorry. 

You didn’t bother explaining why you were still up, just moving aside to let him in and he did so casually. Walking past you, then stepping into the middle of your living room, watching you lock and latch the door shut. 

“What are you doing here?” 

Your voice was filled with exhaustion and you sure as hell looked like it, too. Dark circles under your eyes, baggy clothing practically flooding your body, and eyes that didn’t even dare to meet his. 

He remained there, stuttering over his thoughts as he tried to come up with a plausible answer, “I-I just wanted to make sure you’re ok.” 

You couldn’t help the breath of air that pushed strongly out your nose and the dreadful grunt that followed it. He couldn’t possibly be trying to make that his excuse, was he? 

“Am I ok? Let me think, Steve?” You paused, eyes darting up to the ceiling before finally glaring at him. 

“I’m not ok and you know that.” 

He wasn’t a stranger to this type of behavior coming from you, and he knew he deserved it. It was just surprising to see you show it so early in the conversation. Usually you’d put up a front before exploding, but tonight was different. 

Steve gulped, removing his hands from their confines and tangling them nervously together in front of him. 

“I know, and I’m sorry—“ 

“Sorry?” Your voice snapped, causing his eyes to widen slightly as you stalked towards him closer, finger pointed to him like a weapon. 

You were angry. 

You were sad. 

You were tired. 

And you were done with Steve Harrington. 

“Do you understand how much pain you’ve caused me?” 

He didn’t have the guts to look you in the eyes now, turning his head to the coffee table to the left of him in hopes of avoiding you, but your words didn’t stop. 

“Do you know what it’s like to have your heart broken by the same person over and over again in a blink of an eye? Oh, wait, you don’t because you’re the one doing it to me.” 

Steve closed his eyes, shaking his head, “That’s not my intention and you know that—“ 

“No!” Turning your back to him as you trudged away, fingers tugging at your roots with how stupid he was trying to tell you you were wrong

He followed you, stupidly, and planted his hands on your shoulder, attempting to turn you to face him once again. 

“Get off me!” You growled, slapping his hand away roughly, he almost looked offended. 

“What’s gotten into you?” He ordered, hands resting on his hips, looking at you with that fucking face that made you so angry you wanted to slap him, but you couldn’t and you wouldn’t let him do this to you. 

“Tell me, what’s your intention, Steven? Show up at my doorstep when the girl you went on a date with wasn’t interesting enough for you? When you realize that I’m who you want? How many times have we been over this, Steve?” 

You were right and he couldn’t even answer it. Just staring at you, looking at you as if you were insane. 

“I’m done, Steve.” You spoke tiredly, stepping away from him, heading for your bedroom. 

Opening drawers and pulling out all his belongings he had left behind after every night he stayed and he watched you do it, not even trying to stop you. 

“I’m done being the doormat that you walk all over and use. I’m done being your emotional support. I’m done talking you through bad dates, all while I’m the one in love with you. I’m done waiting for you to wake up and realize that I loved you.” 

His shirts and pullovers thrusted into his chest as he spoke desperately. 

“I love you—“ 

“No, you don’t!” You began to cry, frustrated at the fact that he wasn’t getting it through his thick skull and so you had to walk away from him again. Back down the hall to where it began, with him trailing behind you. 

“You love that I’m a convenient person to have around for you to use when you need me. But you don’t love me.” 

His brows furrowed, forehead pushed up like he was forgetting his memory all of a sudden. “That’s not true.” 

You laughed up at the ceiling, fingers harshly wiping the tears off your cheeks as your mind began to reply to multiple nights you’d find yourself crying over Steve, then the next kissing him to make yourself feel better. 

“Nancy? Heather? Rebecca? Shauna? Brooke? Steve, you went on dates with all of those girls even though you told me you loved me and that I was the only person you wanted to be with. Yet you never made me your girlfriend. You never even tried. You used me and I was too dumb to realize it.” 

Steve knew you were right. You saw right through him and you probably even knew deep down in your heart that he had just arrived from another horrible date, hoping to find comfort with you. 

“You know how excruciating it is to watch you leave and then come back like everything is fine? Do you know what that does to a person who truly believe that you’re the only one for them yet you treat me like this?” 

Your chin was shaking as you spoke, trying to get it in his head the damage he had done. That he had been the person who broke you, never imagining he was capable of such an act.

He tried to explain himself, yet he didn’t know how to. He was never good at emotions. 

“I—It’s not like that, it’s just that….I’m scared of hurting you and—“ 

You couldn’t help but clap, taking him aback by his revelation as you stood there sobbing with a look of disappointment coating your face along with the salty tears he wanted to reach over and brush away. 

“Congratulations, Steve. You outdid yourself, really. You’ve done more than hurt me. You’ve humiliated me. Made me feel like I’m not ever going to be worthy of a real relationship. And most of all, you’ve made me hate you.” 

You never thought you could hate Steve. You loved him since the first kiss you two shared years ago, yet you also felt nothing inside. Now numb to all feelings after realizing that Steve would never commit to you or even had the intention of being together ever. He only saw you as a person he was able to fall back on because you cared so much about him. That was enough for you to know that you could no longer love him. That erasing him from your life would be better than the hookups and rebounds because it meant finally getting the peace back in your life. 

His eyes began to cloud with tears, looking at you stare at him with no emotion.

No love.

No lust.

No happiness.

No joy. 

Nothing. 

He had lost you, for real this time. 

“I don’t ever want to see you again,” voice cracking, finally turning away from him and walking towards the front door, opening it wide. 

Part of Steve wanted to get down on his knees and beg for forgiveness. To finally tell you, he would change. That it would just be you and him against the world like that would make everything better and the past be forgotten.

But it wouldn’t. 

You couldn’t even look at him without feeling nauseated. Knowing you had let him in time in time again being so foolish to think that the morning after he would wake up and say he wanted to be with you forever.

But that was never going to happen again. 

So Steve nodded defeatedly, footsteps heavy against the floors as he went out and only looked back to say, “sorry,” hoping that would change your mind. 

But it didn’t. 

You closed the door and never looked back. 

That was the last time. 

[leviathanspain]

tear you apart

finnick odair x reader

synopsis: finnick was more than just yours

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

all you felt was rage the moment your eyes opened. standing up and ripping the wires off your body, you fought off finnick as he tried to calm you down. you were angry, looking at the room you woke up in and yelled angrily.

“where is she?!” you screamed, feeling a sharp pain in your abdomen but continued anyway, still angry.

finnick grabbed you, you whipped your head around and looked into his eyes. he was focused as he held you in his grip, “look at me.” you looked at him and for a moment you could feel your wild eyes focus on his gentle gaze, the parting of his lips and the falling of his chest as he breathed.

“i cant-“ you cried, your eyes welling up with tears as you remembered the events from the days before.

water. sand. your home. it had been apart of your home and apart of your life since your conception. finnick was only just a fresh memory in your brain. he had been your mentor, your guide through your games. his kiss on your lips is what really woke you up. you had finally come up for air when he kissed you. but the announcement of reaping from the existing pool of victors just pushed you back into the water, drowning you.

you and finnick had spent the night in your town house crying, the comfort of each other’s bodies providing the words that didn’t need to be said. but your anxiety could not be shaken off even when you had to present yourself in the stupid costumes in front of all of panem.

“finn-“ you called out but was roughly shoved by another victor. the new meat from district twelve had found herself with a bigger head than needed. your anger was what had saved you in your games and now it couldn’t be contained except by one person. you bit back a laugh and poked the girl as she tried to walk away, “going somewhere?” you held a smirk on your face as she turned around, “i was, actually.” she stepped up in front of you and you smiled, “i’ll gut you like the fucking fish you are, katnip. don’t think for a second you’re safe even with peter over there, i’ll skin you both alive and hold you guys up as flagwavers for the captiol.” you threatened and felt her expression falter for a moment.

finnick stepped up and put a hand in between the two of you, “y/n, come on. focus, focus on me.” he looked at you and his eyes held a sign of warning. you rolled your eyes and jumped at katniss before walking away sharply on your heel.

“really, finnick? id think you would eat at a much better place..” katniss remarked, smirking at finnick.

you felt your blood boil and finnick scoffed, walking back towards you, you looked at katniss as her eyes lingered on finnick’s figure, and although you weren’t the jealous nor possessive type, the demon that overcame you as you pulled finnick into a passionate make out was incredible.

finnick met your kiss passionately as well, his hands softly falling down your hips and down near your butt where he gripped gently. he didn’t know what you were playing out with the sudden pda but he didn’t mind the affection.

you looked at finnick now back in the present and scoffed, “i’m so sorry.” you let out once you noticed the smile he creased on his lips. he was clearly in pain but because of your agressive antics he had risked his stitches to hold you back. you guided him back to the chair next to your bed and uncovered his body, pulling up the hoodie to see blood staining the bandage.

“oh finn..” you tsked, grabbed the first aid kit near the bed, tearing open a new bandage and ripping off the old.

“couldnt hesitate to touch my hot body, could you?” he teased you, flexing his abs as you fixed the bandage. you blushed red and smirked, “maybe. but you also couldn’t resist your hero storyline, saving the day like always, huh?”

finnick chuckled, “always.”

“we need to keep our distance. we have to protect katniss.” finnick had told you before entering the arena. you looked incredulously at him but his expression warned you that he was serious, and it wasn’t a matter of questioning but a matter of life and death.

you nodded and he patted your back assuringly, “you’ve done this once before, you can do it again.” he kissed your head.

you kissed his cheek and bid him a wave before being led away by the officials to be transported to the arena.

you sat huddled with finnick, katniss and peeta had been sitting on the opposite side of you and you glanced over at katniss. she looked at you and raised an eyebrow, “want to kill me? your pretty boyfriend won’t have to hold you back this time.” she tested you, and you began to gather to stand up but finnick’s low whisper in your ear made you falter. you looked at katniss and scoffed.

johanna was sitting on the other end of finnick and smirked, “it’s funny seeing katniss argue with you, y/n. it’s like she didn’t see you brutally murder all the other tributes in just under a few days.” she stated it like a fact, which you couldn’t deny it was and katniss shrunk slightly under the weight of johanna’s words.

“i would just calm this whole thing down,” finnick spoke, “for your own safety, katniss.”

although you didn’t need other people to speak for you, it felt nice to have people back you up.

peeta rushed a whisper to katniss, “she’s the death dealer, haymitch warned us.” and katniss felt even more small even as her fellow tribute agreed with the rest of them.

you and finnick took your time before leaving the room you were in. you grabbed his hand as he led you out into the room where suddenly, the whole picture painted itself together. you had a bunch of finnick’s plan but seeing haymitch and the gamemaker with him, it all made sense even more.

“son of a bitch.” you scoffed and laughed when you saw haymitch, “i should’ve known your scraggly ass had something to do with this.” you walked over, limping slightly due to your injuries and felt haymitch envelope you into a hug.

“im glad you’re alive, kiddo.” he laughed.

katniss felt confusion draw on her face and finnick bent down to explain, “her mother was a schoolmate of his before she left to marry her dad. she grew up visiting him because her grandmother still lived in district twelve.”

katniss eyes lingered on finnick’s face before she nodded intently. finnick nodded and walked over to you, hugging you from behind, “i’m so glad you’re alive too.” he kissed your head and looked into what haymitch had drawn before him.

you looked at katniss and for a brief moment, you could see the captivating girl everyone had been so hung up on to protect. but when you blinked, she faded and all you saw was a shadow.