#introspective (and a little angsty) babbling @ myself sowwy hello. tmi for menstrual & (hypothetical) pregnancy talk

[ilikeyoshi]

i've been reading lately that pmdd can get worse as you age and honestly, yeah, i think that's happening. when i started taking continuous birth control to help with the hormonal fluctuations it worked super well, but it seems to just work... less and less... and lately whenever i've had to take a break on the meds for a breakthrough bleed the emotions just get??? bad???

i've been inexplicably sad and paranoid the past 2-3 days and it feels really bad after so long of Being Okay. like. i don't WANT to go back to this. i thought i was just tired because chronic illness but i think it's depression. it doesn't help that periods are probably my WORST gender dysphoria trigger.

i have an appt with my obgyn in november and some ideas of what we might be able to do, but it's just. tiring, you know. i'm getting so tired of fighting it and i know hysterectomy with bilateral whatchamacallit is like, a Big Fucking Deal, but i just. don't care? i can't make myself care anymore i just want to stop bleeding and i want to stop being physically capable of bearing children and it's just making me crazy and spirally lately. pmdd + gender dysphoria is actually the evilest combination imaginable.

:( i know in all likelihood i'm going to have to go through all the stupid hoops, like uid and uterine ablation, before doctors will let me just pull everything out and bin it—and if any of that works that's great but it all feels so.... subject to failure?? it feels like i'm just delaying something i'll nevertheless need to do anyway, when everything else stops working. uids have to be replaced, and uterine ablation is not only more likely to just give you light periods than no periods, but if it gets worse again it sounds like i can only get MAYBE one more ablation? so what if it comes back after the second one. assuming i get lucky and the ablations actually STOP the periods instead of lightening them.

like. it just feels like a bunch of time and money and pain for something that isn't super guaranteed to work. especially because my mom had a breast cancer that eats up estrogen, so like, part of me is thinking, if i get the hysterectomy-and-etc NOW, and enter surgical menopause NOW, i can still TAKE the estrogen HRT that makes said menopause infinitely easier to deal with. that might not be an option as i get older! if i develop the same breast cancer my mom (and grandma (and great grandma)) had, i won't be able to take the estrogen anymore. y'know??? it just seems like something that's more likely to backfire on me.

i dunno. i talk to the obgyn in november but i'm just. having a really bad week (breakthrough week, so i can't take the birth control, and being off it makes me crazy again) and i just want this to be over. i KNOW how to make it be over. i don't care if i have to take medication for the next 30 years or whatever, i take medication i'm likely going to need for life already, it's just another fuckin daily pill in the caddy. i don't care. i just want it to be over. i want to donate these organs to someone who wants them and can use them and that's Not Me. that's never been me. childbirth has scared and horrified me since i was a tiny little kid, and despite what adults told me it never, ever got better. i think about a fetus in my gut and i burst into tears. it's so fucking scary. i want this thing gone so i know it CANNOT happen.

i get why it's not ideal, i get why it's a last resort, i get it affects my bone and heart health, i just. i just don't care. it's been almost 29 years of being told "i'd want kids someday, i'll get pregnant someday" and then almost 20 years of the bleeding and the constant reminder that i'm a Woman™ and i can get pregnant and my body is SO INCREDIBLY READY TO GO in making a baby and it makes me wanna rip my guts out!!!! dude!!!! i hate this body i hate this anxiety i hate these constant unending reminders and i don't wanna fuckin DO IT for 20-30 more years i want to live NOW. i want to feel safe in my own skin NOW. fuck!

anyway. waiting for november is hard. being in the middle of a pmdd episode fucking sucks. i just feel bad all the time. i just want it to be over.