#yknow i wonder if this is an autism thing

[mottski]

~two week post-op round up~

-exited The Itch(tm) phase and have now entered the Feels Like Sunburn(tm) phase, which is a lateral move bc both suck equally. i might not want to gnaw my torso off but i DO feel like my whole chest has been badly sunburned. it's nerves waking up again and/or healing, my hips did the same thing. iirc, the intensity of it fades pretty quickly but parts of my thighs felt like they were mildly sunburned for like six months so who knows how this'll wind up

-struggling with Symptoms of Mysterious Origin But Maybe Still Anesthesia for two weeks now, where i feel mild-moderate motion sickness and dizziness for around 3 hours after i eat. i'm gonna make them check my blood pressure at my next follow up bc i have suspicions and can't check for myself

-no longer have to wear foam inserts! thank fucking god, the adhesive was not helping the itch factor

-vax does not understand why i'm now even more twitchy than before about letting his lil feets near my chest :( he's being brave about it, though

-started crocheting a sweater now that my chest measurement won't dramatically decrease and i won't feel gross wearing close fitting clothes :D i have been planning this for a year now as a special treat, i'm v excited

-one more week until i'm allowed to play elden ring again have a sustained elevated heart rate. chomping at the bit.

-i still don't feel anything other than "well this is how things look now, alrighty, neat" when interacting with my chest. it's been elevated to comedy for me bc i saw a lovely comic by a trans artist like, yesterday, about seeing their chest for the first time and the delight of it and they cried and stuff, and i'm over here like *thumbs up emoji in response to a lengthy text*

[thunderblazz]

Chat we are so back

@catfacedcat @mango-mya @om0000

[ominous-feychild]

Guys I literally JUST realized a thing about my autism/masking/alexithymia. I noticed there was an alexithymia tag here on tumblr and when I investigated, there was this one post listing these symptoms:

and I just--

I've had these exact, MAJOR struggles through my whole life for one.

But for two, and what's really interesting in my opinion...

Yesterday, I was having a video call with my mom. I've been off of some medications that I'm supposed to be taking because of financial issues, so my mental is NOT in a great place and I've had NO spoons for the past month. But while on call with her, she seriously, unironically, asked me if I thought I really needed the meds. Because, apparently, I "wasn't acting like I needed them" or something like that. And I'm sure I don't need to explain why that pissed me tf off.

But, like... at the time, the closest thing I could come up with for an answer was that "I have no spoons and no energy to do anything"; "I lived 17 years without meds, I kind-of know how to fake it"; and "I haven't had much socializing lately, so I have enough Social Energy™ to fake being okay right now."

Now that I'm not being put on the spot and after reading that post, I'm slowly figuring out that I've always done this. I mean, I've obviously always struggled to describe my own emotions and need to analyze my physical reactions to figure them out, but like. I'm just now starting to realize that I've really struggled to describe exactly how I'm "feeling bad" or, in fact, that I am feeling bad at all.

I mean, again, considering the alexithymia, that last part is a given. But it's kinda putting into perspective exactly how I've always had to understand "I don't have the energy to do anything" or "it's incredibly difficult to do anything" or "something deep inside of me feels Wrong™ and I can neither address nor identify it". I'd just passively have those "feelings" and struggle to continue life despite them.

It brings back thoughts of my struggles with masking, and how I was never diagnosed with autism as a child. Looking back, it should've been incredibly obvious. I had SO many of the tell-tale signs. But I guess it wasn't today, and there wasn't anywhere near as much awareness of what those signs were... but really. Textbook.

I'm sure my masking made it more difficult to recognize the signs as I got older. Hell, I even read over different "autism diagnosis checklist"s countless times, thinking to myself "oh wow it's a lot like me!... exceeeeeptttt--" and moved on from there.

I keep digressing. My point is, since discovering my autism and how it was hidden by masking, I've always wondered where my mask ends and where I begin. Most of the time, I feel like I feel nothing, even when I'm not depressed. I've been told I don't show my emotions, like when I'm happy (aka my chest is light and I feel free). That, or people can't tell when I like/dislike them (though that's partially a trauma thing). Other times, I've been told I'm smiling when I didn't even realize I was happy, much less that I was actually smiling. Some people have told me I'm incredibly easy to read, that my emotions show very clearly. But how can they when I feel like I feel nothing?

Which leads me back to what I said earlier, my conversation with my mother. How she asked if I actually need my meds because "I don't seem like I do". I guess I kind-of understand now, why she might've seen it that way. Do most people always show signs of how they actually feel? And how does the fact that I "don't feel" effect what I show?

I've wondered about that for a while. How much of how I act is because I was trained to, one way or another? How much of the emotion I show is because I learned to? Do I even show the emotions I feel? I really can't know because the people I know irl, who would better be able to tell me how I act, aren't understanding of any of these things. My older sister is lowkey ableist and thinks she sees the grand plan of the universe, my mother is too "pull yourself up by the bootstraps!!!" to accept Spoon Theory or mental health struggles, and just about everyone else in my life comes and goes as quickly as the wind.

Anyhow, this was a long rant that I've kinda had half-formed thoughts about for a while. Thanks for reading, hopefully this can help or entertain whoever stumbles upon this?

[kit-screams-into-the-future]

re: the last post i reblogged bc i am realizing just how much i yapped in the tags and i do not wish to subject the wider tumblr public to that rant LMAO

[irrigos]

bad news: im at it again

[caffeinatedopossum]

People actually valuing the things I do is so shocking and heart warming to me. Like I guess my only "skills" (listen I don't have the self esteem to call them skills whole heartedly yet) are things that are often abstract and awkward to put into words. Like I can... talk to.... people? But also I really care and I try to bring as much insight and understanding as I can to a conversation. Sometimes I can be confusing or pedantic because autism but yknow other than that. People have really been vocal about telling me how much they appreciate that about me and its just so strange to me. I can't believe I can be valued for something that I do naturally.

[cherrysnax]

not to SYS! on main but like comics Miguel reads just like Robyn and older leo to me it’s soooo weird

[talkorsomething]

I really can't decide if the public-facing breakdowns are actually leading to the resolution of said public facing breakdowns or if i'm just slightly too irritable at all times

[pizzapizzadickz]

I feel a lil bit better today after getting some rest in. I always feel better when I can spend a day at home. I think tomorrow I'll wear my noise cancelling headphones or something so I can chill even more.

...funny how my way to chill is just trying to eliminate all external stimuli

(Pt 1 for description rant)

[catmask]

if it's not too intrusive, would you be comfortable talking about your experiences with OCD and maybe what made you seek a diagnosis?

idm it might help other people. i mean disclaimer not to use this as a diagnostic tool but if this sounds like u and u got a doc to talk to its worth bringing up

i think an important place to start and why i didnt think i had ocd is i am 1) autistic 2) a csa victim. this is pertinent because all of the things that actually lead me to get diagnosed with ocd i just kept dismissing as parts of those two other things. thinking 'surely this is all thats up there cant be anything else wrong with me' (<- thoughts of a clown)

the trouble with this is that coping skills id found for parts of both autism and csa trauma weren't working with things i later found out were related to ocd. so like, for example. frequently having intrusive thoughts about csa/sex trauma, i was told that if im experiencing a flashback the best thing i can do is try to ground myself and comfort myself. and yeah this is true, it would work if a flashback is all it was. but what it DIDNT account for is the guilt/dirty feeling id get after having them and the obsessive need to be 'clean' after.

and this trickled into hundreds of aspects of my life. 'cleaness' has always been such a vague unattainable concept unmedicated for ocd. if some things touch other things theyd become 'unclean'. if a person i felt uncomfortable around touched me or something it became 'unclean'. there were 'good' and 'bad' thoughts to have. i was constantly existing as if my presence was being monitored 24/7.

i could not fucking relax because every action i took, regardless of whether or not i was in private, i was constantly thinkin 'am i doing something wrong? am i hurting someone by doing this? am i breaking any rules?' and the 'bad thing' i was doing was like. i missed my boyfriend while he was at work. or i was going over former scenarios in which i was socially awkward in my head and wondering if i should be dead for doing that.

part of why i dismissed this as autism ofc too is yknow. being autistic i often missed social queues as a kid and was pretty brutally punished for it (physically by my parents, emotionally and socially by peers) so i was like yeah its Normal and Realsitic id have super intense fear about 'am i secretly doing something bad and dont realzie it because no one will fucking tell me until ive already done it and its too late and then i deserve all the punishment i get' but where my loved ones stepped in and were like Hey thats Not really normal. is where it waslike. other autistic people going 'brother i dont do that'

so yeah. it was like. kind of rule of elimination? the problems that wrrent getting solved by coping skills for the Other problems i Knew i had, i isolated those leftover things and my doctor was like 'this sounds like you have ocd. do you do this too' and listed out like 60 other things i didnt consider symptoms i just considered 'funny quirks' i had, like crying so hard id throw up if i couldnt get a blanket to lie perfectly flat during a picnic when i was 8 or thinking i was going to hell and my stuffed animals could feel pain so i would apologize to them iver and over while crying when they fell off the bed

you know. 'quirks'

[mothcrumbs]

I would liek to hear about the diatoms....

OH BOY YOU JUST PRESSED THE

AUTISM BUTTON

so. algae. we all know em, not everyone loves em, but they sure as hell exist theyre out there doin their jobs, producing oxygen and sometimes toxic chemicals depending on the flavor now imagine algae. but in a Cool As Hell Glass house.

mother.fucking. Diatoms

now these guys are fairly cool just on their own yeah? just chillin in their own lil crunchyass shells, photosynthesizing, vibing, generally just having a good time n not doing much but! some of those fellas? they be absolutely fuckin SCHMOVIN up in this bitch of an earth

i mean look at this totally normal faggot [bundle of sticks]

just a cluster of guys, yeah? totally normal guys that dont do a whole lot of moving

WRONG. THEYRE GROOVIN.

THESE. BITCHES. ARE. MOTILE. the bitches are motile. now that on its own? again, not too horribly interesting. i mean most microscopic organisms are pretty good at moving around in their tiny but huge worlds, but usually they use things like flagella or cilia, but these guys? my favorite guys? good ol bacillaria?

aint shit to be seen. if they have em they aint very visible, so their movement isnt all that well understood.

they just kinda. glide around in this almost elegant sort of way, almost like an inchworm but microscopic and a hell of a lot weirder and cooler

BUT YKNOW WHAT ELSE IS FUCKIN COOL?

thriller movies.

"but moth," absolutely nobody is asking "what the actual hell does that have to do with anything?" well my wonderful motherfucker, let me introduce you to The Birds

a fairly well known thriller that gave many people a [fairly reasonable] fear of. well. birds! in this movie birds are seen terrorizing the residents of a small lil village by the coast, sometimes going full suicide bomber on peoples asses by flying into peoples doors n windows n shit what if i told ya that that movie was based on an actual event? an event caused by our good pal, the diatom<3

ysee, like their non crunchy houseless algae pals, diatoms can sometimes produce toxins [like domoic acid in this case] marine diatoms get munched by filter feeders n such, those guys get eaten by birds, the birds go batshit fucking insane and die en masse, entire flocks just kinda losing it and flying into buildings because of the Fucking Poison they just consumed

real crazy shit, but yknow. circle of life n whatnot. anyways have a nice day<3 and make sure to think about diatoms next time you see a thriller<3

[aroaceleovaldez]

I’m a bit nervous about sending an ask, but the curiosity has won me over, hope this isn’t too many questions

You said you headcannon Leo Valdez as dragon kin so I was wondering, do you think he has shifts often, if at all? If so, does he generally have some types of shifts more often or is it more balanced? And do the other campers and the seven know? If they do, did he tell them or did they piece it together on their own? If he told them, did he have to explain a lot or were they kind of just like “okay” and didn’t question it a lot? Like they just accepted it and didn’t want to overstep or something is what I mean

I think maybe I’m overthinking this, I really hope I’m not asking too many questions or anything

It's no worries at all! Asks/questions are always welcome!

I think his most usual shifts would be teeth/scales, but they're a lot more subtle so he either doesn't notice them as much or can ignore them. Those ones are probably semi-regular for him but again, more subtle most of the time (most of the time... every once in awhile he gets hit with a stronger maw shift and he's just sitting there gnashing his teeth at the air for like an hour cause his mouth feels weird until it goes away). Maybe also horns.

Less common ones for him but ones he'd notice more are probably wings, tail, and talons. Talons i mostly just think would be funny for him cause he has his habit of tapping his fingers as a stim. Him getting tripped up from the phantom talons while trying to stim, being confused for a minute about why his fingers aren't touching the table and he just ends up tapping out morse code into the air a couple inches above his desk instead. Wings and tail would probably just be pretty standard phantom limbs - they're just there and he's aware of them and maybe able to move them a bit. I imagine he'd eventually try to make some 'kin gear to help with those shifts specifically just so his brain stops error 404ing when his dragon limbs pass through solid objects despite his brain thinking they should be able to tangibly interact.

I don't think Leo would know what otherkin/alterhuman is when he first meets the Argo II crew, and probably wouldn't get the opportunity to learn about it for awhile. He doesn't really have the vocabulary to explain how he's feeling - just that he Is A Dragon. The rest of the crew probably also doesn't know what otherkin/alterhuman is either so they don't have an explanation for him, but, yknow, demigod life is already so goddamn weird, if Leo says he's a dragon that's not the most abnormal thing they've heard that week and they'll just take his word for it and accept it. And Jason probably understands the feeling re: being a wolf therian, even though he doesn't have the vocabulary to explain it either, so there's at least some solidarity there.

Earlier on I think Leo would just crack a lot of jokes about being a dragon, not particularly explaining how he feels about it to the others but just kind of putting the concept out there. He might try to explain it if the topic comes up but, as mentioned before, just struggle too much to try and find the words for it (the adhd/dyslexia/autism wording problems do not help there). I do like to think though that, due to their Hades/Pluto kid soul powers, Nico and Hazel would actually be able to pick up on spiritual-origin otherkin/therians/etc if they focused on it - Nico in particular, probably a lot more passively - and be able to kind of see phantom limbs/shifts sometimes (cause goodness knows how souls/spirit stuff works in the Riordanverse and I can have my self-indulgent silly alterhuman worldbuilding hcs if i want to - also at least partially inspired by some journal posts i've read of people mentioning people/animals/automatic doors picking up on their phantom limbs and being able to track the movement and stuff. if any demigod would be able to do that it's gonna be the kids with literal soul/phantom powers). I just find the concept amusing of Leo trying to explain this extremely metaphysical experience and Nico's just off to the side like "Oh yeah no, your soul is a dragon. Like, very literally. Dunno how that happened but good for you. btw why do you have ghost wings sometimes?" And Leo's grateful for someone helping him explain it but also isn't sure how he should react to statement. Eventually though one of the crew stumbles across alterhuman stuff - probably Leo or Annabeth, most likely accidentally through looking into daemonism stuff (you know they both read His Dark Materials) - and they put two and two together and finally have a means to explain it and Leo could not be more relieved (though he still doesn't know how to feel about Nico's soul comments).

I love rotating alterhuman demigods in my brain

[my-autism-adhd-blog]

Hey. So I'm trying to educate my family on what it's like to be autistic. Specifically I'm looking for stuff on proper boundaries, masking, love languages, stuff to hopefully help them understand how I interact with people and what my needs are if that makes sense.

They're family so I'm trying to keep things civil yknow? And while some of them do know a few things you can tell some off them don't know the first thing about autism and I'm having a really hard time explaining what it's like to them.

Hopefully all this makes sense for what I'm looking for.

Thank you

Hi there,

I found some sources that would hopefully be helpful:

Masking

https://autismawarenesscentre.com/what-is-autistic-masking/

Love languages

Boundaries

Hopefully this helps. Thank you for the inbox. I hope you have a wonderful day/night. ♥️

[oshidorifuufu]

rant, looking for advice

i’m, considering talking to my mother abt pursuing an autism diagnosis

i found out recently my youngest-older brother has dyspraxia, i asked my mum if he has autism n apparently he hasn’t been tested but she ‘suspects it’..yeah no wonder im autistic

it’s not even really about the diagnosis as much as it is about her understanding my condition if it is the case, i’m feeling really overstimulated recently, i have auditory sensory issues the worst and i wish she would stop making the sounds that distress me but she just treats me like im overreacting, yknow, things like that

like, i have a note talking about it and such but idk if i should actually give it to her, if its better to just ignore it

[fallenrain40]

sometimes i kind of wonder if i have low empathy due to autism, but at the same time, sometimes i feel like i have high empathy due to autism... its super confusing. becuase on one hand, it often feels like, though I know how to ACT when someone else is upset, actually feeling something... doesn't always seem to be there? but on the other hand, one of the reasons gore is sometimes upsetting for me is because I can literally feel the pain from something by looking at it. ... yknow. the problem seems to be more of. those feelings feel like MY OWN. like instead of "this person is sad, so I feel sad for them", it tends to be "this person is making me sad" and yeah I know to treat them kindly. so i will. but it feels more like... a social rule I had to learn. not a hard one, but still. inside it can feel more like "i want the thing thats making me sad to go away" i really hate thinking about it becuase it makes me feel like im manipulative or bad or something...

[little-babybell]

Heyo again!!! :3

So sorry for requesting so much I just really enjoy your posts and literally was so happy when I saw the CG!Ghost headcanons, it rlly means a lot since I’ve been STRUGGLING to find any COD Agere related stuff and my autism has made me hyper fixate sm on it so I literally nearly cried from happiness when you responded 😭💗💗

Obvs take your time but if it’s possible (pls don’t stress urself out w it u don’t have to do it 😭) would u be able to make CG!Soap or CG!König headcanons

Tysm for responding last time - hope you have a wonderful day!!! 💗💗💗 ฅ^•ﻌ•^ฅ

Okay okay haiii!! Also I hope YOU have a wonderful day as well!! So like I was reading this and I just thought "WHY NOT BOTH???" so yeah (＾• ω •＾)

Cg!König headcanons!!!

He's liek tall like I think giraffe kinda tall

He really loves carrying his Littles or just holding them up oh and PIGGY BACKRIDES!!! Best thing ever

I believe he'd be like kind of chill but also very energetic yknow?? Just fits up with your energy

Especially good with younger regressors

Calls you mein sohn(my son), meine tochter(my daughter), or just maus which is mouse in German (I need to stop doing my German lessons so late at night)

I don't know If he'd be a good cook but he could make those microwave smores

Okay now Cg!Soap AAAAAAA

Okay so I think he'd be more ljke just an older sibling more than like seeming like a parent yknow what i mean?

I personally headcanon he has a big big collect of rubber ducks so that's just perfect for bath time!!

I just remembered that video where it's like "Does soap enjoy a bubble bath teehee ^w^ Does soap enjoy a bubble bath??? Ô_õ"(I tried to make it seem like eyebrows) but he DEFINITELY ENJOYS A BUBBLE BATH especially like washing your hair and giving you a bunch of bath toys to play with

He's like a playful caregiver ^w^ like a nice older brother you can be silly with

He usually calls you little sister/brother/sibling or just sib/bro/sis for short

He's REALLY FUN like I also feel like he's kind of a prankster so I feel like you two would just start pulling pranks on people

Okay that's all hope u enjoy!! ^w^