#yes I have a mood disorder I don’t wanna talk about it

[kaylinelizabeth4004]

Dog Days Are Over

Summary: The Reader is struggling with severe depression, and Alec Hardy comforts her.

A/N: inspired by one of @denaliwrites Alec stories! This one made me cry several times while writing it, it’s pretty much my experience minus Alec (unfortunately.)

TW: talk of severe depression, suicidal thoughts/ideation, body dysmorphia, and not beta read because it was hard to write

She sat on the couch, curled up in a corner while 'The Office' continued playing on the telly. She'd been mindlessly scrolling on her phone all day, not really noticing anything on there but not wanting to look away from a screen. Then she might see the real world for all it was, and today wasn't the time for that.

Y/N glanced at Michael Scott as he put on a stupid hat to impress some stupid friend of Pam's. She felt a tension in her shoulders, along her back and arms, but she tried to ignore it. Tried to bury herself amongst the blankets and pillows of the couch. It wasn't working, why wasn't it working?

She adjusted her pillows, and nothing. She got bored of the Instagram reels that always turned into mommy bloggers she didn't like to see. The telly grew louder and she suddenly found Michael Scott bordering on obnoxious and not funny. The room was so goddamn warm in there but she knew she couldn't change from her comfy clothes because she didn't want to wear a bra. If she changed into something remotely hugging her figure, she'd feel as though she had to wear a bra and start the day. It was so fucking stupid the way her brain was wired.

She tried to ignore it.

Then she got a sudden pang of guilt, a feeling that was brewing at the surface but she tried to shove down. She worried that everyone at work would absolutely hate her for not coming in. That they'd know she was lying about being sick and think she was a terrible worker, that she didn't provide anything, she was incompetent and slow and everyone was wondering why she couldn't get her fucking act together. She worried that when she wasn't there they'd be saying awful things. How stupid she was, how needy and desperate for attention and validation and pathetic.

The voices came whirring at her. She hadn't even realized they'd been speaking this entire time until they all started screaming at her. The voices battered like a ram, tore through her chest, attacking and spitting venomous words. Her lungs seemed to recede inside her, clenching for an oxygen that wasn't there. Suddenly her vision was blurring, hiccups came bursting from her lips in broken sobs and she could feel that heaviness in her chest like her heart was going to explode. She couldn't breathe with that weight, there was no oxygen. Y/N felt as though her skin was itchy and thin and it just wouldn't come off. If she could tear it all off to make it go away she would.

The loudest voice screamed out, "Everyone hates you! You are the worst human to exist and we wish you would just die already!" Her fingers buried in her hair, holding the roots tightly and her cheeks were burning hot. She wanted to scream but didn't have the energy. The voice kept screaming and screaming, "they hate you, they hate you, they hate you! You're the worst person ever!"

And it's all true, that's the most despicable part. She believed every foul thing that voice said was right in the truest sense of the word. No logic could stop her brain from believing that she was stupid and slow and incompetent.

She believed all the things they said, that she was fat and ugly, and her nose wasn't right, her skin wasn't right, her stomach was horrendous, she could never be beautiful or sexy or smart. She ruined every chance she had for it, and one day Alec was going to see how horrific she was and he'd flee. He'd spout viscous things and they would be right. She deserved all of it and worse. There was no man that deserved the hell she provided, she was the worst it could get.

Then she kept chiding herself, trying to stop this delusion she was building in her mind. She'd say, Y/N, that's not fair, you've worked on this. Y/N, you're on medication, this shouldn't be how you think. You're better now. Y/N, talk yourself out of it. Y/N, you're jumping to conclusions. And all the while she's sinking and building evidence to false realities. She wonders if she's insane, if she should be locked up then has to remind herself she's not Joe Miller. But a wicked part of her wishes she was, so these feelings would be justified.

There was no way to explain this to friends and family. No way to explain that this was her thoughts almost all the time, and the times she wasn't thinking like this it was lying low. But it never left. But everyone had depression these days, she wasn't unique. And if everyone else could live, then surely she could to.

She retracted her fingers from her hair, prying off the strands that came with it. Her cheeks were still painfully hot but she wiped the tears away. Michael Scott was still doing something stupid on the telly, and she had her phone on her lap. She wanted to call Alec. He'd said to call if she felt anything, said he wanted to be there for her. But wouldn't this be a burden? Wouldn't he find her repulsive after this? Not want to deal with it. She didn't want to either. She didn't want to deal with this anymore, she was so tired. And surely Alex's life would be easier with one less person to deal with? With one less mess to clean up, no worrying about her.

But it was those thoughts that forced her to call him. She knew that those thoughts were bad, that those thoughts led to bad things. And though she was humiliated, wanted to hide away from him, she knew it was for him she had to call. He'd be so hurt if she left. He'd blame himself, and that wasn't fair.

"Darlin?" His voice filled the silence.

Her breath shuddered and she sniffled like a baby, "Alec."

"What's happened?" His voice was stern, alert. With that one word he sensed that she wasn't okay.

"It's nothing."

"It's not nothing."

She let out a pathetic laugh, "no, Alec. I don't want you to worry."

"I'll be there in 15." Then he hung up. She gaped at the phone. Y/N didn't want Alec to see her like this, so broken and battered. He didn't deserve this.

Her heart started to race and she treated every sound as a threat. She looked horrible, she was certain her breath stank and her cheeks were flushing and her hair was going every which way. She looked fat and greasy, her clothes had stains. Oh God, oh God.

The door opened with no preamble. She shut her eyes and waited for him to yell, to be furious that there was no true emergency. It's not like she'd cut herself. There were footsteps and then the couch beside her dipped, but she felt no touch.

"Darlin?" Alec spoke softly, his accent sliding through her flat. Michael Scott seemed a distant image. "Are you alright?"

She didn't want to open her eyes. As childish as it was, she felt that if she didn't seem him then the issue was resolved. "I'm fine."

There was a pause, "May I see your beautiful eyes?"

With a shaky breath, she peaked through her lashes at Alec. He was sat beside her, brows furrowed in concern as he looked at her. His coat had raindrops on it, his hair mused and looking like chocolate. His beard needed to he shaved but she hated when he did. And in those stupid, beautiful brown eyes, she saw a love so raw and unconditional she couldn't stand it.

Tears fell down her cheeks and her hands went back to her hair. She could feel herself retreating, curling into a hall and away from the world that hated her. But Alec was so soft.

"Darlin, can I touch you?"

She whimpered a yes.

Warm, calloused hands came to her own in her hair. The touch was not harsh, yet it wasn't shy either. Alec wanted to love Y/N and keep her safe, even if it meant from herself. He brought them down, holding them firmly. Then he lifted her chin so she would look at him. Her lips began to quiver.

"How long has it been since you've showered?"

The question caught her off guard. She'd expected him to pry into what she was feeling and tell her why all of it was wrong and he loved her. Which was incredibly sweet, but would have hurt her so much. She'd feel like a burden. But this wasn't what she anticipated. "Uh, um, a few days."

"Do you care to take a shower with me?" He smiled, his Scottish accent lilting the words. "I need one from the rain."

She nodded nimbly. Alec got up from the sofa first, then helped her up though she didn't need it. They walked to her bedroom, where Alec went through her drawers to find a clean pair of underwear and pajamas. She felt her heart smile when he pulled one of his shirts she'd stolen as her top. He had his own pair kept in her drawers as well.

Alec walked softly as he went and turned the shower on, letting the water patter against the tile.

"Y/N, do you think we could take your dirty clothes off?" Alec asked, letting the tiniest of smiles cross his face. She'd learned to cherish that look, because it wasn't one many got. But right now, she felt selfish for getting to see it when she didn't earn it. Y/N nodded.

He helped take off her pajamas, each piece with care and precision. She felt like she was a wounded animal he was bringing back to life. That guilt forged its way in her heart. Alec placed a hand on her hip, the other on the back of her neck. Though she was naked, and he was about to be, it wasn't sexual in nature. It was intimate, and loving. Alec's voice was rough as he grumbled out, "Now you stop that bad thought. I love you as you are."

Her lips parted and her eyebrows shot up in surprise, she hadn't said a word. But Alec just pressed a kiss to her forehead. Soon they were both naked and they got into the steaming shower. Alec let her stand under the warmth, hands stroking her sides in ginger caresses. He was just appreciating her as she was.

Alec couldn't pretend to understand exactly what went through Y/N's head. It wouldn't be fair to her. But he did know that he loved her deeply, and that no matter what he'd stay with her. If she didn't know who she was, he would remind her if only for a moment to be with her.

With his long, dexterous fingers, he washed Y/N's hair. She stood awkwardly, letting it rain over her. It felt nice. The little pelts of hot water had a steady rhythm, only interrupted by Alec’s kind hands massaging her scalp. She felt the tears slip down her face in steady streams, but didn’t bother to hide them.

Alec quickly shampooed his own hair, then took his time with the body wash to take care of Y/N. He lavished her but in the most sincere way a person could. No agenda, just making sure that with each part of her body he cleaned that she knew he loved her. And she did, she knew he loved her more than anything. That’s what made it so hard.

The water ran lukewarm and Alec got out quickly to wrap a big, fluffy towel around her. He helped dry her with the towel, helped her into her pajamas.

“You want braids, love?”

“You know how to braid?” Her voice sounded so small. Alec nodded and parted her wet hair, french braiding it out of her way. His fingers were nimble.

“Come on, darling, let us get something to eat.”

Alec walked with her down the stairs, going into her fridge until he found some ingredients to make omelets, which he knew she liked. With gentle hands, Alec came and placed Y/N on the counter so she could be right there as he made the food.

“Cheese?”

“Yes please.”

It was a quiet sort of appreciation with Alec. Y/N could tell he wanted to blurt out his love but this quiet approach, this simply taking care of her, hit a part of her heart she didn’t know it would hit. She could feel her soul opening just slightly. He couldn’t fix her, that wasn’t how this worked, but she could feel him loving her.

He helped down from the counter and brought the plates to the sofa. Alec put on a different sitcom, gave her the plate, and settled in.

After a pause where she stared at the plate and wondered the different ways she could jump off the earth, she said, “You don’t have to stay.”

“I’d like to,” he said with a bite of omelet.

“I don’t want you to stay.” The words were harsh, and untrue, but the humiliation of being this way made her angry. She wanted to lash out at him if it could only take away from the pain in her heart.

“Tough luck, darling. I’m here to stay.”

That was when the sob broke out. A deep, heart wrenching sob that make the plate fall to the floor, carpet covered in a cheesy omelet he had just made for her. Y/N covered her mouth as though the sounds would stop but they didn’t.

Alec came and scooped her up, letting her rest on his lap, head on his shoulder. He hummed just slightly, hands running comforting strokes on her body, lips kissing her forehead.

“You don’t deserve this,” she hiccuped. “You don’t deserve this mess.”

Alec looked down and grabbed her chin, forcing him to look at her. “Y/N, you listen to me. You didn’t ask for this. You didn’t choose to have depression, you didn’t choose it.”

“But you can choose. You need to leave, you deserve-”

“I want you. I want you, Y/N. I don’t care about this, we’ll fight it together.”

“Why do you want this? I’m broken.”

He brought her hand and let it rest on his heart, above his scar. “So am I, Darlin. You can’t carry it with you if you want to survive.”

She cried softly onto Alec, and he held her all the same. It didn’t get better like that, but it seemed to help cement something in Y/N. Alec wasn’t going anywhere, and she wasn’t alone. The dog days will be over, and the horses will come. Alec kissed her forehead and held her close.

[darkficsyouneveraskedfor]

Don't Speak 20

Warnings: this fic will include dark content such as dubcon/noncon, obsession, stalking, manipulation, reclusive behaviour, disordered eating, dissociation, and other possible triggers. My warnings are not exhaustive, enter at your own risk.

This is a dark!fic and explicit. 18+ only. Your media consumption is your own responsibility. Warnings have been given. DO NOT PROCEED if these matters upset you.

Summary: Reader is a reclusive loner who ventures down to the library on a simple mission. Her task is complicated by the man she meets there. (f!short!reader)

Character: librarian!Andy Barber

Note: Andrew is back.

As per usual, I humbly request your thoughts! Reblogs are always appreciated and welcomed, not only do I see them easier but it lets other people see my work. I will do my best to answer all I can. I’m trying to get better at keeping up so thanks everyone for staying with me <3

Your feedback will help in this and future works (and WiPs, I haven’t forgotten those!)

Love you all. Take care. 💖

“I want you to take this,” Dr. Kemp turns back to you, holding a spiral notebook with black and white cover, “and I want you to use it.”

You stare, uncertain as he crosses the room. Use it? How?

“You can write down your feelings, you can make lists for yourself, you can track the days…” he explains, “but I want you to put something in it every day. Can you do that for me?”

You look at the notebook as he holds it out. You slowly take it with both hands, lowering it to your lap as you run your thumbs up and down the cover. It’s brand new. You can smell the freshness of the paper.

“Can I draw in it?” You ask.

“Sure, if that’s what works for you,” he affirms, “that’s for you. You can bring it with you to our next appointment, but you don’t need to show me anything. It’s just there so you can record your moods and anything that might be a trigger for you.

“Oh,” you look up at him shyly, meeting his bold blue eyes for only a second before dropping your head.

“This is a safe place, alright? I want you to think of it like that. Everything within these walls stays between us. Our little secret.”

“Okay,” you hug the notebook to your chest.

“And I want you to set yourself a little goal every day. Nothing big, alright? It could be a shower, it could be reading a chapter of a book, it could be as simple as walking around the house,” he continues, “but you can’t stay in bed all the time. You gotta take care of yourself. You have to give yourself love and those things are the best sort of love.”

You nod and rock slightly, “yes, doctor. Are we… done now?”

“Are we?” He bends and crosses his arms over the back of the empty chair, “that’s up to you.”

“I… I think. I don’t wanna waste any more of your time.”

“Waste? No. See? Don’t talk about yourself like that. You didn’t waste my time, you enriched it,” he smiles, you see only a glimpse of how it brightens his features. “I think you should go home and get some rest. You came all the way here and you did a really good job.”

He pushes himself straight, “I’ll have my receptionist schedule a follow-up.”

“Thank you, doctor,” you stand and pick at the corner of the notebook.

“You let Andy take care of you too, huh? He’s worried,” he extends his arm, directing you to the door, “he’s a good friend of mine.”

“Uh, alright,” you murmur as he walks with you to the door. He rests his hand on the handle and you smell his cologne, rich but overwhelming. 

“It was really nice meeting you,” he turns the handle slowly.

“You too,” you squeak.

“See ya around,” he opens the door, “and remember, take care of you.”

“Thanks,” you keep your chin down as you exit.

Andy sits in the waiting room at the edge of his seat. He grips his knees and stands swiftly as he sees you. He must’ve been waiting a very long time. That felt like it lasted forever. The tension in his forehead slackens as you approach.

“How was it, honey? You okay?” He asks, his tone slightly addled.

“Yes, er, maybe,” you answer, “I don’t know.”

“What’s that?” He taps the top of the notebook.

“Um, a journal.”

“Steve gave that to you?”

You nod.

“That’s very nice of him. Well, how about we stop and buy you some nice pens to write in it?”

“You don’t have to…”

“I have to grab a few things,” he interjects, “I kind of… fell behind. I haven’t been out of the house, you know? I couldn’t leave you, I was so worried.”

“Oh? What about work?” You wonder tremulously.

“I had some time banked, it’s really not a big deal, but I gotta grab some groceries and we can look at some cute pens…”

“Can’t… can’t you do it later?”

He doesn’t answer right away. He rubs his beard and exhales. “Well, I’d have to drop you off and then come all the way back–”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” you blurt out as you hear his disappointment, “I’m sorry, no, we can go, I just… I’m tired, is all.”

“It’s okay, honey. We’ll try to be fast, how about that?”

You nod and hide behind your lashes. Your guilt flows over and chokes you tightly. He brought you all the way here and missed work and it’s all your fault. Because you’re broken and useless.

“I’ll… I’ll try to make dinner,” you suggest, “Dr. Kemp says I should set goals.”

“Alright, sounds good,” Andy softens, “we should get going before it’s too busy.”

🕊️

You sit in the car, fluttering through the blank pages as Andy drives. You should write about your appointment. Put down everything that Dr. Kemp said before you forget. That’s a good plan. He’s right, it’s easy to set small goals.

“Hey, uh, I uh, can I talk to you?” Andy turns down the music.

“Er sure,” you shrug.

“Right, um, I wasn’t sure when to– or how to– I don’t wanna upset you, you know that, right? That I wouldn’t hurt you?” He begins, fingers tapping on the steering wheel.

You blink and stare at the dashboard, “I know, Andy. You’ve… done a lot for me.”

“I wouldn’t put it like that. It’s not… I don’t consider it a task, but er, the other day, I wanted to say sorry,” he clears his throat, squirming in his seat, “I should’ve knocked.”

Your throat tightens and you sit back stiffly. Your whole body locks up as the memory enshrines you. The damp air, the hot water, him staring at you, at your naked body.

“No,” you utter, “no, I don’t want to talk about it.”

He’s quiet as he turns the wheel, “sorry, sweetie, like I said, I don’t want to upset you. I just want… I’m just sorry for bursting in like that. I never want you to feel unsafe. Especially with me.”

“I… don’t,” you sniff, “it was just… a mistake. Can we forget it?”

“Sure,” he accepts, “yeah, let’s just forget it.”

“Thanks,” you lean into the door, watching the traffic through the window. 

Your body is covered in goosebumps. You feel like he’s seeing it all again. Just talking about it makes you feel exposed. What he must have thought about you. Hideous and gross.

“Here we are,” Andy says as the blinker clicks loudly.

He steers into a large lot and you peer up at the mall marquee. What are you doing here? You thought he was going to the grocery store?

“I got coupons for the place in here,” he explains as if reading your mind, “they just opened it, put it where the Target was.”

“Oh… I… never come here…”

“I think you’ll like it. They have everything– damn, not a lot of spots left. We’ll have to walk a bit.” He rolls into a space, “might be good for you to stretch your legs. We can always sit if you need to.”

You don’t argue. You feel bad enough. You won’t get in his way again.

“Sure.”

You get out and leave the notebook on the seat. Andy waits for you by the bumper and you follow him up the row of cars. You stop and wait to cross to the nearest entrance. The place is vast and makes your heart pound. There’s so many people coming and going through the many doors.

Inside, you feel a greater sense of doom. Shoppers brushing too close, teens speaking loudly in large groups, children screaming and mothers with strollers. Unthinkingly you grab onto Andy’s arm, keeping close to him.

“Hey,” he looks down at you as he leads you through the wide walkway.

“Just… don’t wanna get lost,” you cling to him tighter at the thought.

“That’s alright,” he smiles and looks around, “oh, hey…” He pulls you over to a shop window, “look at that.”

He points to the dress on the mannequin. It’s a nice shade of blue with the silhouette of birds patterned across it. Very pretty but you don’t wear dresses.

“Cute, huh?”

“Yeah.”

He stares, unmoving. You glance around. Where is the grocery store? You just want to leave this place.

“Come on,” he tugs you towards the entrance of the shop, “we can see if they have it in your size.”

“What? No. Andy. That’s okay. I don’t… I don’t need a dress.”

He stops just inside, “maybe, but do you want it?”

You chew your cheek, “I don’t know…”

“Look, you really don’t have that many clothes. I didn’t want to embarrass you but I spoke with Steve and he said… maybe it would be good to get you some new things. Like a refresh. Start new–”

“You said. You said we came to get groceries.”

“We did, honey, but I left this out. I was trying to surprise you. I thought– I thought it was a nice surprise.”

You see his expression fall. Oh no. You feel awful. You’re not trying to complain or be ungrateful, you just hate crowds and all these strangers.

“I… okay, it is nice. Andy,” you let go of him, “really, it’s so nice. No one ever… Amber always got me handmedowns, but I never…” you put your hands behind you and bounce on your toes, “I’m sorry.”

“No, it’s fine, I know it’s all very new. I wasn’t trying to upset you or scare you,” he says, “maybe we could just look online.”

It’s clear he’s disappointed, if not agitated. You feel rotten. You remind yourself of all that he’s done and every time, you just whine like a baby.

“No, we can look around…” you try to smile.

He gives you a thoughtful look then peeks around the shop, “alright… well, you wanna try the dress on?”

You wince. You typically didn’t try things on at the thrift shop. You just picked things that looked like they would fit. The idea of getting undressed here, even in a private stall, is scary. Don’t be a baby.

“Okay,” you acquiesce, “I could do that.”

“Great,” he says and claps his hands.

He spins on his heel and you trail him as he confidently weaves between the tables and other shoppers. He stops before the dresses hung behind the window and sifts through the hangers. He slips one of the blue ones off the rod and holds it up.

“I think this is your size? I’m not sure.”

“Looks like,” you mutter, “um, I’ll… try it.”

“We can look at a few other things,” he offers.

“Maybe after?”

“Alright,” he searches around and flags down one of the employees, “excuse me, she wants to try this one.”

“Wonderful,” the woman chimes and takes the hanger from him, “just the one?”

“For now,” Andy smiles.

“This way, sweetheart,” the woman says as she beckons you with her long acrylic nails.

You follow her and Andy brings up the rear. She takes you around the counter and through a doorway. A row of stalls line the wall and she unlocks one with a key, hanging the dress inside. She steps back and leaves the door open for you.

“It’s all yours. Let me know if I can get you anything else. My name’s Isa.”

“Thanks,” you murmur mousily and she grins before strutting off.

“I’ll be out here,” Andy says as he sits on the bench.

You enter the changing room and close the door, certain to slide the bar through the loop. You turn and see yourself in the mirror. You flinch. You look down at your feet, refusing to acknowledge your reflection.

You undress then grab the dress. You pull down the zipper and shimmy it on. You strain to pull the zipper back up and fix the skirt so it hangs down properly. The skirt ends above your knees.

“Everything okay?” Andy calls from outside.

“Good,” you squeak and turn to face the door. You grab the side of the skirt, holding it firmly as you slide open the lock. You open the door reluctantly and reveal yourself. You clutch the other seam, “I think it’s a bit short.”

Andy looks at you. His cheek twitches as he sits up and smiles, “really? Looks fine to me…” he stares, making you squirm, “looks really nice on you, dove.”

“I don’t know…”

He nods and bites his lower lip, “it’s whatever you want.”

There it is again. Disappointed. You look down. It’s not that short and it is pretty. You could put a sweater over it and maybe some leggings underneath.

“I’ll get it,” you raise your head, “thanks, Andy.”

“Of course,” he says brightly.

You retreat into the dressing room and change back into your own clothes. You slip the dress back onto the hanger and bring it out with you. He takes it from you and guides you back into the shop. He stops you at a rack of jewelry.

“Look,” he grabs a silver necklace with a bird charm, “it’ll go with the dress.”

“Oh, sure,” you agree. Whatever he wants, you’ll get. You’d hate to overstep and you don’t exactly have a good sense of style. “Very pretty.”

“Let’s just have a look around, you never know… maybe find some nice shoes too?”

You nod and let him lead the way. As you progress through the shop, he picks out more things; some skirts, a sweater, some shirts, more jewelry, even some belts. He has an armful by the time you approach the checkout. You wring your hands. That’s a whole lot of stuff.

“Someone’s birthday?” Isa asks as she greets you at the counter.

“Uh, no, just… shopping,” Andy answers, “she needed a few things.”

“A few?” Isa scoffs, “I wish I had a husband who would spoil me with just a few things.”

“Husband?” You blanch.

Andy chuckles, “she deserves it.”

You notice how he doesn’t correct her. Maybe he feels too awkward. Like you.

“Sir, would you like to buy one of our membership cards? It’ll get you twenty percent off today’s purchase.”

“Hmm, I don’t know,” he pulls out his wallet, “how much?”

“It’s twenty dollars annually, gets you ten percent off every purchase.”

“Not bad, sure, why not? We might be back.”

“Andy,” you say softly.

He ignores you as he gets his card free. You watch the total mount as Isa scans each item. Somehow, this doesn’t feel like a favour. It’s just another number to add to the tally of what you owe him.

[astridspeckles]

Archon Quest & The Wanderer tangent + mental health

So I just finished it (I'm so far behind on everything Sumeru it hurts) I wanna just talk about stuff, so spoilers. A few things to note:

Im terrible at writing what I think so this is a random jumble of words lol

I'm not a psychologist/psychiatrist

I do have a very empathic innate understanding of mental health tho- I also have personal experience with it.

I simp for Scara, have from the moment I saw him

I knew roughly the story beats of the quest so I didnt go in blind

- so I had a lot of time to get used to the 'cop out'...

This is a repost of a thread I made on another site so if you find this elsewhere it me hi

... Which I'll quickly just address. I don't like how at the end he can't be on our side without the complications of what it would of meant if he as his original self would of been --- but im not gonna focus on that, what done is done. I will just say I would liked more if the voice lines people had of him were different- something along the lines of 'I cant remember what happened but it feels like im forgetting something' -  but im just going to do is focus on his character development. I believe Scaramouche is someone who would be diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) which is an emotional dysregulation disorder which can heavily impact a person day to day which can effect their relationships with people.

People with borderline personality disorder may experience intense mood swings and feel uncertainty about how they see themselves. Their feelings for others can change quickly, and swing from extreme closeness to extreme dislike. These changing feelings can lead to unstable relationships and emotional pain. [- NIMH Gov]

And I know on tumblr people have more understanding of BPD but those who dont know or care says anything - no, this isn't the "edgy mental illness” I believe Collie is an example of another character who displays BPD as well. Both of these characters I believe are actually fantastic display of BPD?? Though Scaramouche is an example of what happens when it goes unchecked and Collei has made amazing progress to live with it in her day to day. But yes... the Archon Quest. Nahida expected and lowkey planned for it to play out the way it did, and even though that is the exact same manipulation that people have been doing that has ruined people, she did it for Scaramouche, and I cant help but love her a bit more for that. She didn't plant the idea in his head or guide his hand, but prepared for an outcome in case if he acted the way he did and allowed him to do so anyway - her trust in him and the traveler as well as herself to make sure things for him would be okay in the end. She cares for him. She understands his history and I bet she understands BPD and knows how to live with people who live with it too Nahida doesn't concern herself with the complications, the fact people would see this outcome as a 'cop out' or the lack of justice of Scaramouche not having to face his actions. Nahida cares about Scaramouche and that he is hurting and has been hurt. She acted accordingly with stride with no doubts. She never gives herself away, despite naturally and genuinely giving her complete self in any situation. Shes amazing (and someone I hope to be like someday). I love how Nahida has just endless trust and confidence in him and the people she works with. She treats people exactly how she would like to be treated in turn making her someone people would respect and up hold - and is such an amazing archon im so glad shes here.

---

And for someone who is constantly battling to remain guarded- Scaramouche thrives so much with how she treats him - it was amazing. (Although I do wish down to my core that the whole time thing didn't happen because I swear with Nahida and the traveler we could of helped him-- ok ok no I said I wouldnt talk about that topic). But you can see that he's able to be relaxed and confident, but his confidence is being directed in a way that isn't making him defensive! You can see the norm for him which is the exact opposite when he talks to the fatui! Example in the memory where he speaks to Signora - the communication itself is a battle for him. He needs to defend himself and let those around him know he isn't weak. He's constantly treading water, trying to stay afloat- to not be hurt, because he knows no one will hesitate to hurt him. You cannot show that type of weakness - they will see it and strike. And while yes the people who he talks to would of course react in turn to attack him when they are being attacked, if people were able to focus and care for Scaramouche they would acknowledge that it is a factor of his BPD and find ways to navigate these episodes - which we can see, can be done! And that is why he is always acting the way he is. Its a defense mechanism! A vicious cycle. [And I know there are so many players who don't see Scaramouche this way and it makes me actually really sad that they cant see how injuried he is. Every interaction we see him in is him masking and putting on a front, an act, and people think he's all evil because he's a dick. I hope if you see him that way that this thread can at least give you an alternative perspective though] But with that all mentioned... the fact he gave up himself without an instant to fix things... he just wants to do something greater than himself. He wants to help, he wants to make things happen and not necessary because he wants to be great, he just wants to fill in the void he feels. You can see that trauma survivors can have survivors guilt but one way of expressing this is by having an fragile ego believing that you being here means you have a purpose. Of course everyone thinks this but trauma can make it a lot harder to not to regulate your thoughts which can make obsessions more intrusive. He sacrificed himself to do some good after learning the truth within an instinct. To his core he is good. He has done bad and terrible things but he is still being good in these moments, not because he wants to 'do one last thing', but because it is the obvious right choice to do since he has the power to do so. Because they have the power to do so, and they saw a problem that can be helped by them. Nahida and Scaramouche both do this and damn I cant believe that my headcanons for Scaramouche being not evil boi TM actually came true?? First with Xiao and now Scaramouche? I am fed. ...Would someone who has had a history of pain and trauma not want to just erase it? Want to forget it, not want to experience it and not attached to it? Of course. But that ins't possible to do which is where you seek a professional to help you work through things. But yet here we are, and while... I don't like the game narrative of this happening, for a study in a traumatized character it is actually a really interesting path... which I still hate. The equivalent of this is suppressed memories. And I can talk from personal experience- having a memory of a distressing yet alone heavily traumatic situation is majorly distressing and/or soul crushing! Even more so if it is OUT OF NOWHERE. This is not how you recover from your trauma - its the opposite - trauma dumping! My poor boy didn't stand a chance! You even see The Wanderer, the moment I saw him I actually was so distressing for me. You could instantly see how empty he is. He's missing so much of himself. And all I could see up until the traveler talks to him was sadness. -I played it while talking to a friend and she couldnt see this and I swear this isn't because I simp for him though. This came across crystal clearly for me and im actually really shocked that apparently not everyone else did? But once he speaks to the traveler he develops drive and goals instantly. Again, this has always been there and is actually one of the main personality traits he always has on display. Scaramouche has always been the way the Wanderer is. But after we finish the Wanderers task for the stall keep, we see Nahida and Y I K E S we trauma dump him. And this hurt to watch. This isn't how you deal with trauma. "Just rip it off like a bandaid" is not the approach you have to something so devistating... ...and yet for the games purposes it had to be done like this. Lets say hypothetically if the game let the Wanderer slowly and healthily learn Scaramouche's history - he would of be an odd mixture of two people. But he would still ultimately be more of the Wanderer than Scaramouche! he could be able to connect with him but ultimately he would of been able to let him go. But the game could not do that for game reasons. He IS Scaramouche, he needs to STAY as Scaramouche. So trauma dumping it is. So he decides in true Wanderer/Scaramouche fashion that it is his duty to learn the truth. Because this is a drive and motivation and their character at their core would do anything to fix what is right regardless of what is their own consequence. And so he does. And he suffers for it, recalls painful memories and is in agony. ... and yet, when it is all done you can see instantly - "He is back to being the old Scaramouche". And this is where I say no. This is where people aren't seeing him. Scararmouche never left. You just know what to look for now to see his kindness. You just understand when his trauma is making him act up. You are just in an environment where he can allow his defenses not to be activated. The Wanderer has not had a personality change - sure he isn't the soft boy from before, but SIKE he actually is. Or rather, he can be when he chooses and is ready to be. But he'll never be that aimless or hollow ever again, but that wasn't Scaramouche, or The Wanderer, that was a blank state of being of going with the motions knowing something is missing. He'll never be so hollow again, but he will be able to display that unguarding kindness someday. The major change he has had his trauma and burdens are eased and no longer life controlling. He is on the path of recovery and overcoming his history. Scaramouche has always had the ability to be kind and not being evil, but he never had the enviroment where he could do so. He was molded in part to be the evil he became and while he was manipulated to do so, to degrees he did willingly not too concerned if he didnt have the full context. But the Wanderer is and has always been what Scaramouche is, just some people had to actively been shown who he is before they could see it themselves.

[barclaysangel]

A little soft Jevon prompt because yes.

Jake would say he has amazing intuition, almost like spider sense. That being said, his intuition or anxiety never once spiked when Devon was near him.

Even when Devon was in a bad mood, or raging helplessly at trauma he couldn’t fix, or in the worse of anger frenzies, Jake has felt nothing but safe with Devon. Since there was always something at the back of his head that told him that Devon would never harm him. Threats from Devon almost meant nothing to him, since he was well aware that Devon would never harm him. He wouldn’t be able to forgive himself if he did.

That being said, it made it incredibly easy for Devon to sneak up on him.

After taking Devon to a rage room, and locking him in there, Devon got someone to let him out. An employee, roaming the halls. Still in protective gear, Jake almost screamed when he felt someone lean head-first against his back. Arms slowly wrapped around him, calming him down. He felt Devon’s posture stiff, and the tightness of the way he held him.

Jake ignored the fact his stomach churned, worry settling in.

“Did you have fun?” He asked.

Devon slowly nodded against him. “Non-verbal?” Jake asked, the other shook his head. “Tired. Sad.” He began. “Can I have this? Just — let me hold you for a second.”

“Oh.” The curly haired boy said, before nodding. “Okay! H-Hold away!” He laughed, sparking a small smile from Devon. The therapist tilted her head, a bit confused. “Does this happen a lot?” She asked.

“Usually after anger frenzies. Devon feels a lot of guilt, especially if he hurt someone innocent.” Lexy answered. “He’ll be fine, he just needs to use Jake as his personal stress toy/teddy bear.” Jake nodded in agreement, being known to go overboard with making his boyfriend feel better when he went into strange moods like these. So being able to just stand or sit there and look pretty was a huge weight off of his shoulders. He hadn’t been that good with Devon in the past, but he had been trying to get better, especially after finding out Devon had diagnosed bipolar disorder.

He didn’t coddle him. If he knew one thing, he knew how much Devon hated being coddled. But he was more considerate over his feelings, since Devon experiences the same emotions he does, just ten times bigger. Even if he thought his boyfriend was overreacting, he never express it, in actions or words. Since Devon’s emotions are a big deal to him. This was the baggage, and Devon basically is saying that they can deal with it together or Jake can go home.

And Jake didn’t plan on going home.

After twenty minutes of talking, Devon took a sharp breath and let go, forcing Jake to have to bite back a whine when the warmth left his body. “Do you feel better?” The therapist asked.

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m fine.” Devon begab with a slight smile. “Just needed to, recharge, I guess.”

“And Jake’s your charger?” The therapist asked again, this time Devon only nodded, eyes going to the exit. Jake, somehow, immediately picked up on his, and grabbed his boyfriend’s hand, intertwining their fingers together. “It’s getting late. We should go.”

“I second-hand this.” Lexy raised her hand. “I’m pretty hungry.” This sparked a small giggle out of Devon’s throat, Jake immediately falling in love with the sound, as they walked to the exit.

“Hey Dev?”

“Hmm?”

“I love you.”

Devon choked up, looking up at Jake and looking down, about to say the words back before he couldn’t. Shit, did he go non-verbal? Already? Why did this happen at the most unconventional of times? Now Jake’s probably gonna think that’s he’s faking and doesn’t wanna say it back because—

“Devon, you don’t have to say it back.” Jake said, almost reading the boy’s mind. “I know you love me.” Devon smiled, squeezing the other’s hand tighter. His way of saying “I love you too” and hopefully Jake knew that.

“So..” Lexy began, quietly to the therapist. “How’s Devon and Jake’s relationship holding up?” It was a bit of an anxiety thing, but Lexy had to know. Just know if anything was wrong, because 9/10, she was always the one to fix it.

“Well, it’s obsessive, unhealthy, a bit toxic,” The therapist began. “But in the best of all ways. Those two need each other, and are equally the same amounts of healthy and toxic to balance it out. It’s a beautiful relationship, and why some might see it as need of improvement, it works. And that’s enough.” She said with a smile.

Awwww I love this!!!

[colorblockadventures]

2/25/24

Yesterday I fell into another depressive state and I cried and cried and cried. I got my hair done and went burgundy. A new change for sure but my sister kept making rude comments and it seriously got to my head. That coupled with my mouth hurting made everything worse. I haven’t worked out in weeks and I definitely gained weight. My dad being sick and getting butthurt about me setting boundaries made everything awful. I am not talking to him and I’m not talking to my brother and I think I’m not even talking to my mom. At this point I don’t even wanna talk to my sister either. I feel like I’m doing something wrong because all of my opinions and thoughts seem to make people upset. How I wished I were in a better place. I need to make the best out of my situation but my mind feels infected beyond repair when I get depressed. It’s like I can’t snap out of it. I’m so fucking sensitive and I hate it. I hate how it makes me behave. It’s like I have no autonomy of my own body and mind. It has such a hold on me and I can’t escape it without breaking down in tears. I’m so tired and I just wanna sleep forever.

I stopped using Instagram as of last night and I unfollowed an ex coworker. Idk, seeing that coworker’s story and social media posts made me mad, like how can a person who’s been nothing but a brat be so “successful” in life? And why am I friends with a mean girl? No, I hate fake people like her so I decided to unfollow her. She isn’t gonna be around to ask me about it and it’s fine, I’m seriously tired of talking about her all the time. It’s still gonna continue for a couple weeks at work just cause that’s how it is and my friends like to talk about drama. I don’t. I’d rather talk about a shared interest than talk about someone. Gossiping about someone is just low level nonsense that I can only understand for just a short while before it gets annoying. I need to get paid more, seriously.

My relationship has been good up until now, where I became super vulnerable and self conscious. Again, I get too into my own world that I can’t seem to see straight. My frustration with my environment gets me to believe the worst in myself. Suddenly everyone’s words start to envelop my mind that i question who I am and why I am. I hate that. I try to keep to myself and it doesn’t always work. Do I believe that things will be better? Yes, but only because without hope will fall into a deep depression knowing that my reality isn’t what I want. I love my boyfriend, so so much that I want the best for us but I keep self sabotaging. It’s all my fault and I think I know what’s wrong with me.

I think I may have bipolar disorder but I need a doctor to actually diagnose me. It’s the only thing that can explain my mood and behavior. I need medicine or something because therapy alone doesn’t help as much anymore. How can it when I know the answers but nothing changes. My anxiety gets the best of me and coping mechanisms don’t help when my state of mind has been compromised for the worse. I know that I am best when I have a routine to fall on and the last couple of weeks I haven’t been able to stick to it. I know that’s part of the problem. It’s a big reason I fell into this breakdown. It’s a vicious cycle that I am constantly dealing with and I’m gonna fight for reals this time to break out of it. I’m so sick of being the victim.

I will not be the victim anymore. I will get out.

[bonky-n-steeb]

𝐵𝑅𝐸𝐴𝑇𝐻𝐸

𝙿𝙰𝚁𝚃 𝙾𝙽𝙴

𝘿𝘼𝙍𝙆!𝘽𝙐𝘾𝙆𝙔 𝘽𝘼𝙍𝙉𝙀𝙎 �� 𝙍𝙀𝘼𝘿𝙀𝙍 | 𝙈𝙊𝘽!𝙎𝙏𝙀𝙑𝙀 𝙍𝙊𝙂𝙀𝙍𝙎 𝙓 𝙍𝙀𝘼𝘿𝙀𝙍

𝗦𝗨𝗠𝗠𝗔𝗥𝗬: Your life is as good as it gets. The perfect husband, the perfect daughter, the perfect job. But what you are unaware is that your husband is a deadly assassin and your long-lost friend, now a fearsome mob boss is hell bent on getting you back. But what you don’t know can't hurt you, right?

𝗪𝗔𝗥𝗡𝗜𝗡𝗚𝗦: psychological disorder, PTSD, domestic abuse, yandere, obsession, violence, cursing. If you find any of this triggering please DNI. Also inform me if I left something out.

ᴛʜɪs ɪs ɴᴏᴛ ʙᴇᴛᴀ ʀᴇᴀᴅ, sᴏ ᴀʟʟ ᴍɪsᴛᴀᴋᴇs ᴀʀᴇ ᴍʏ ᴏᴡɴ

Oh, lawd! i have to post everything again! Send me all your energy. If you wanna be tagged, just inform me!

Also, I’ll be changing the story by a little, (or by a lot, idk) from my previous version.

You were feeling like John Travolta from the music video of Stayin’ Alive. Vibing to your own rhythm, living your own freedom. Attending college miles away from your hometown, you were the captain of your ship. Though you loved your parents more than anything, you were glad for the freedom granted upon you.

Your Freshmen year had just begun and you had already made a few friends. But what you didn’t want to accept just yet was your crush on one of them, Bucky. With his steely blue eyes and boyish charm, even a goddess might fall for him, and you were just a mortal. You were simply happy with being friends as you believed he would never like you and well, a little crush never hurt nobody.  

Completing your shift in a local bookstore, just outside the campus, you were walking back, lost in your own thoughts. What caught your attention was a group of howling high schoolers; from the look of it, they were barely a year to two younger than you. A group of tall and popular kids were bullying a skinny, helpless dude; ufff the usual cliché you thought to yourself. What you failed to notice though was his bleeding nose.  

You were a kind soul, always helping others, but you were no fool. All alone in an unknown town, you weren't going to confront the burly teens who were twice your own size. After giggling and cracking some stupid jokes on the poor dude trying to impress a girl, they left him and that’s when you noticed all the blood. You quickly crossed the road and walked towards him. He seemed smaller than he was as he was crouching down and trying to rub all the blood.

“Hey! Pinch your nose, don’t disturb it by rubbing.” you said while bending down. “Uhh, okay... thanks!” he looked at you with big doe eyes and you were utterly mesmerized by the blue oceans he had for his eyes. “Do you.. Do you need something else kid? Where do you live?” you asked giving him a candy and your water bottle. “I’m no kid!” he exclaimed and you flinched.  

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you. You are helping me and here I am shouting at you.” You could clearly see remorse in his eyes and you wondered why would someone hurt him? “yeah, yeah.. It's Okay... now have this candy, the sugar will help you feel better.” you said with a soft smile. “thank you so much... and by the way I live two streets across. I mean I can go by myself, I'm a grown-up.. But...” he trailed off and you helped him get up.

“I’m Steve” he tried his best to smile and you followed by sharing your own name. And with that his chatter train began, he explained that he was just trying to help another girl getting bullied, when the bullies decided to change their target and chase Steve instead.

“you should wear your own mask first and then help others wear theirs.” you quipped and instantly bit your tongue. “Hmm, what?” he asked genuinely curious. “what I meant is that you did what is correct and very brave, but sometimes you gotta think for yourself too. But these are just my thoughts.” you shrugged. “I’ll remember that.” he said with a genuine expression. And after a million thank yous he finally went in his house. By the size of his house, he seemed rich and you wondered maybe this wasn't that cliché.  

☮︎︎☮︎︎☮︎︎☮︎︎☮︎︎

The next day, you were walking back the same road, when you thought of Steve. He really was a kind and sweet person. This world needed more of people like him. And just then you saw him smiling brightly and waving at you, his nose bandaged. He had a huge box in his hand.

“Heyyyyy! Thank you for helping me yesterday. So I just... kinda got this as a ... a token of appreciation. I considered you might like donuts, so I got you this.” He said rubbing his nape. His cheeks had become so red he looked like a ripe tomato. “well, if you haven’t already given me diabetes by saying so many thank yous, after eating sooo many donuts I’ll surely get it.” At that you both chuckled and the atmosphere became lighter. As you picked a donut, he looked at you with such admiration you thought you would melt then and there.

Suddenly with a stern expression you asked “what if it’s drugged?” His eyes widened and he stuttered, “I... I would never do that ...” he looked down and you thought he might cry. “hey waittt.. don’t get so sad.. I’m sorry, I’m so so sorry. I was just joking. I have this really bad habit of saying things when I shouldn’t. God I just ruined everything.” You just made a mental note not to joke around him, he seemed to be quite emotional. Though it was going to be difficult to tame your tongue. “don’t be. I just take things too literally.... anyway let’s have some donuts what say?” He said with such shine in his eyes you wondered whether he was sad just a moment before.

You both walked up to your university campus, munching on donuts. You both shared things about yourselves. You told him how you were passionate in becoming a doctor. He on the other hand talked about his struggles in studying. “will you help me? You are so smart and bright, will you help me study if I have a doubt or something?” he asked giving his big doe eyes.

You weren’t going to agree at first, you had just met him a day ago. But after looking in those calm blue pools of his eyes you agreed. Seeing the joy on his face, you wondered whether he just won an Oscar.

What you didn’t know was that Steve had already fallen in love with you, yes love, he was convinced that you were the one for him, his one true love. Not a moment had he been able to think of anything but you since he had met you. You were everything he needed and wanted and much more. He was simply desperate to spend more time with you.

☮︎︎☮︎︎☮︎︎☮︎︎☮︎︎

It had been around six months since you met Steve. Over the time you two had turned out to be best friends. While Steve had fallen even more in love with you, you had fallen hopelessly in love with bucky. While you always told bucky about Steve and vice versa, you never confessed to Steve about your love for Bucky, thus furthermore increasing his hopes. You desperately wished to make Steve and Bucky meet. They were two important people in your life and you more than anything wished that they got together well.  

Today was the day when you decided to arrange a small meet and greet at the park where you and Steve met every day. You and Bucky walked together towards the tree where you usually sat with Steve waiting there for you. You knew both would like each other, but somewhere deep within your gut you were getting a not-so good feeling about this.  

Steve’s eyes lit up seeing you but as they turned to Bucky, it felt as if all the energy had been sucked out of him. You didn’t like that one bit. “Bucky!?” Steve exclaimed in half disappointment and half fear. “You both... you both know each other?” you ask bewildered. You tried chuckling to lighten the mood but by the looks of it they were sworn enemies, but you prayed that you were wrong. “yeah, we know each other a little too well... Uh... We were good friends once.” Steve quietly admitted.

All this time Bucky had his jaw clenched, dragging in a deep breath he began. “I knew it! I knew it would be you, you little fucker! You want to have everything don’t you? Goddammit! I had this feeling it was you but I thought it was too much of a coincidence, but no. fate had to be so cruel.” you were shocked to see Bucky's sudden outburst. You wondered what conspired between the two, as either hadn’t ever mentioned the other.  

You were snapped out of your thoughts with Bucky calling your name. “let’s go. I don’t want to see him even for a minute more and neither do you.” Bucky started pulling your hand but you stopped him “Bucky no. I guess you have some misunderstanding; Steve is a good person. And you don’t get to tell me who to talk to and who to not.”

Suddenly Bucky turned back to Steve, anger written all over his face. “You didn’t tell her, huh, did you? Don’t worry I'll tell her. Steve is the son of Joseph Rogers and he is the freaking Don Corleone of this area. Do you know how my father died? Steve’s father had him killed just because unknowingly he provided shelter to his father’s fugitive. Steve just pretends to be a caring, emotional person but he is a snake behind that mask, so is everyone in his family.” towards the end Bucky was in tears and you were in utter shock. Now that you tried to remember, Steve never really did tell you much about his family. And the fact that Steve wasn’t denying any single allegation made you want to puke your guts out.

“You have taken too much from me. But not this. Not her. Not the woman I love more than anything.” Bucky said it out loud in the heat of the moment. You were too dumbstruck to even blink. Did Bucky just confess that he loved you?  

Bucky turned to you and held your arm with such softness you wondered if he was just now screaming his lungs out at Steve. “I know I can't tell you who to be with, and I promise I never will in the future, but trust me you want to be caught up with him or his family. And still, if you choose him, well then, I can’t be with you.”

You knew you had to make a choice then and there, there was no going back, and you chose Bucky.

[arthursaus]

Error’s really fucking tired and he just wants a nap and a million chocolate bars.

Poor thing. Yes, I kin Error, yes, I simp for Error, so don’t be surprised when I talk about Error softly. He deserves the world.

Also, speaking of Error, I’ve been thinking about something on and off for the past few weeks. Is it really that hard for people to respect other’s boundaries? Like, it’s so easy to just. NOT touch someone. Or to not crowd someone.

And this isn’t just about Error, this is also a personal thing for me. I don’t have haphephobia or anything, but I am sensitive to touch due to a sensory processing disorder. And it’s just. Why? Is it really so hard?

Honestly I think I brought this up while talking about Error because when it comes to Error that stuff infuriates me. When it’s me, I’m very uncomfortable and I hate it but I’ll get through it, but when it’s Error I just get really angry.

I don’t know how it feels for people with haphephobia, but I hate it when it happens to me. I have to be in the right mood and mindset for physical touch.

If not… everything feels wrong. Like, inherently, basely, unexplainable wrong. Nothing is right, nothing is as it should be.

It feels like my mind sort of partially separates from my body. Not in the form of having an out of body experience, and I’m not sure if it counts as dissociation either, but my mind’s connection to my body dulls significantly. I can still control it, but I have to seek it out first.

My mind separates from my body while simultaneously drawing further into it. Or into itself? Everything dulls. I can’t think. My head is silent. It shouldn’t be silent. I can’t function. I feel…. Cold? Not cold as in the temperature, but cold as in numbness. Numbness toward the world around me. I feel numb. What am I? Where am I? I feel disconnected from the world around me. I feel… not small, and not insignificant either, but also insignificant at the same time? Something similar?

I just don’t get why people can’t keep their hands to themselves. I get it, my hair is pretty, and you wanna play with it, but 1: you don’t have my permission, and 2: you’re screwing me up. Like, fucking me up. In the right circumstances, a single unwanted touch can throw me off for the rest of the day. I almost feel like… IDK, like a stranger in my own body? No, not really that, I feel like my body isn’t mine to control. Not that it’s not mine, but rather that though it is mine, it is not mine to control.

It’s awful. Sorry, just had to rant. Probably will reblog this to my side blog and/or main blog too.

[meanautisticenbian]

Lilith Clawthorne has Borderline Personality Disorder: an essay

Content warnings: mentions of abuse, cults, and self harm

I don't have much of an intro but I need to get some things out of the way. 

First off, this is an essay that I made mostly for fun and because I feel like more people need to hear about this. I am not excusing Lilith's actions in any way, though hopefully this may explain some of them. 

Secondly, as you might know I have BPD myself. I'm self diagnosed yes, but I still have enough symptoms. I see a lot of myself in Lilith, as well as several traits, and I hope that this essay will be informative.

With all that being said, let's get into the analysis starting with the symptoms that are only hinted at. One of the hallmarks of Borderline Personality Disorder is an intense fear of abandonment, which Lilith seems to display disgusted as her desire to cure Eda's curse. If it's not clear enough, Eda's really the only thing Lilith cares about, which makes sense since she's clearly the only thing she has. We know that she isn't super close to Amity, despite what fans want to believe, we don't know if she's formed any positive relationships with anyone in the Emperor's Coven and it would say a lot of she didn't. With all that in mind, she is clearly very close to Eda and whenever she tries to get away from her, Lilith is always either pissed off or saddened. Sure, this could just be because she wants to heal Eda's curse and is most likely being punished by Belos, and that's why this is listed as something that's hinted at. Then again, Catra from She Ra is BPD coded as well and she mostly wanted to bring Adora back to the Horde because Shadow Weaver wanted her and was an abusive piece of shit, but it was pretty obvious that she also just wanted her crush and only friend back, so I don't see how this can't be applied to Lilith as well.

Lilith seems to have a black–and–white view on the people around her and maybe even herself. Whenever Eda escapes her, she suddenly flips from being loving and caring to her and really acting like she cares about her to treating her like she just pissed on her waffles. Her way of viewing other people (mostly Eda) is another symptom of BPD, being a black–and–white view on everything and rapid changes in self image and views of everyone else. One moment she views Eda as a beautiful and loving sister, the next she's just an old woman slowing her down. One moment Belos is a trustworthy leader, next he's a monstrous tyrant. One moment Luz is an annoying child she can use as bait, next she's her only hope in saving Eda.

She seems to harbor some of these feelings to herself as well. One moment she acts like she's fully aware of the baddie she is, and next she seems to hate herself. Another valid explanation is that this could also be viewed as her hiding her insecurities since she is clearly one to hold back those emotions and she only ever seems to let Eda see this side of her (save for Luz in the season 1 finale) but this is still a common BPD trait that seems to fit her so it would make sense.

Now let's move on to the more explicit symptoms. If it's not obvious enough, Lilith has some major anger issues. She was ready to kill Eda after she did as much as annoy her in Covention and tell her how worthless her life is after she (actually Luz) escapes her in Once Upon a Swamp. It was certainly reasonable for her to be upset about Luz accidentally blowing up the side of a building, but she had a worse outburst over her sister rhyming.

Now we move on to what I think is her most obvious trait: her impulsiveness. Like I said before, Lilith tends to have sudden violent outbursts and act without thinking. It doesn't excuse anything she's done but it certainly does explain a LOT.

It could be a possible explanation for why her first instinct was to use Luz as a human shield while she was fighting Eda and threw Luz off a cliff in order to get Eda to use all her magic instead of making a new bubble for Luz or doing literally anything that WOULDN'T harm Luz. This could maybe (key word) also provide an explanation for why she cursed Eda instead of going and talking to her (assuming she didn't), but her disorder seems to stem more from trauma than it does genetics, both of which are ways BPD can manifest.

Mood swings are another symptom she definitely has, but that can easily be paired with the point about her changes in self image and how she views others, as well as the points about her anger and impulsivity, so I won't go into detail about that.

Depression, guilt, and ongoing feelings of emptiness are obvious traits that don't need much explaining.

The last major trait wanna bring up is self harm and self destructive and suicidal behavior. I couldn't really find any point in which she showed any suicidal tendencies or urges to hurt herself and it is most likely that she won't be showing those traits at any point in the future, though I do believe it is possible that the show may depict self destructive behaviors in her. Obviously, she wouldn't be shown cutting or burning herself, but maybe it could be displayed in a more PG fashion such as her not taking proper care of herself or having risky behaviors.

There are nine main traits of BPD and one needs to have at least five of them to get a diagnosis. Lilith seems to exhibit six and possibly seven of these traits. I could end it here by saying that Lilith definitely has BPD and needs a hug, but we're not done yet.

Despite what most people might say about borderline people and how we're depicted, we're more likely to be victims of abuse than we are abusers. Most of the time the trauma from the abuse is the cause of the disorder, for those who don't inherit it. Many people with the disorder have claimed to have been physically, sexually, psychologically or emotionally abused or neglected during their lifetime. We don't know the exact details of Lilith's time in the coven or what it was like for her, all we know is that it was basically a cult and she definitely experienced some form of abuse. We know that emotional and psychological abuse were definitely present in her and Belos's relationship, and there is definitely a possibility that there was some physical abuse as well. As for neglect, there isn't really anything that can support the claim even if it seems plausible, and logically speaking, she most likely wasn't sexually abused simply just because this is a family show, so unless Disney is ok with Dana going THERE, that one's a little too far out of the realm of possibility.

So, where does that leave us? Well if I'm being honest, she definitely seems to have a case of untreated and probably undiagnosed BPD caused by a series of traumatic events. And the thing is, she's only in 6/19 episodes in the series so far, and we've probably only really seen the tip of the iceberg. She could have a lot more going on with her that we will definitely see in season 2, I highly doubt she won't.

Lilith is definitely BPD coded, and whether the rep is intentional or not, it's still something I can consider good rep. It's super rare that you find borderline characters in the media that are not abusers, manipulators, or terrible, irredeemable people in general. Lilith is not a bad person whatsoever, and even if she's not much of a good person either, she's not irredeemable. She certainly has a long way to go, but with proper guidance and psychological help, she will get there eventually.

I would like to finish this off by saying I'm not trying to excuse or condone her actions, I am simply addressing how it's possible for her to be borderline, based on what screen time she has and my own experiences. I just want to express my appreciation for what rep we have, as well as analyzing her character a bit.

Thank you all for reading

- Sunny

[sisterssafespace]

Assalamualaikum :)

Asmaa here ! No sister has sent an ask about this matter, tonight I am the one needing a safe space.

Where do I start? One of my main longterm struggles is my anxiety vs. my beliefs. If you know anything about having chronic anxiety, or any type of anxiety, you'd know that in one word? Anxiety is irrational ! If reason was this way, anxiety would be at the other end of the world. And even if you used every logical argument in the world to try and talk sense into your brain, anxiety is just - and I quote my therapist - one of the two most stubborn mental disorders out there , and tbh I forgot what was the other one, lol.

Anyways, as believers, we have to believe in qadar, and mektub, and destiny, we have to trust in Allah's plan, which supposedly is meant to calm our worries about the future. In other words, if I know and I believe that Allah swt has my best interest, Allah swt is the best of the planners, and that whatever is meant for me will be mine at the end of the day, and what I didn't get was never mind and was never destined for me in the first place, and most importantly, in our Prophet �� s words " everything that happens to the believer is khayr " .. but as an adult living with anxiety, OCD, and what it entails of obsessive thinking, catastrophic thinking, and whatnot, I find myself being sucked into a tornado of scenarios and restless infinite spiral of thoughts that are eating my brain alive, and end up triggering my compulsions , thus me hurting myself (not that kind of self-harm don't worry, I am okay Alhamdulillah).

Anyways, yes I do say anyways a lot, umm, something actually good happened to me today career wise, Alhamdulillah, something actually great! Ma Shaa Allah la quwata illa billah, Allahuma barik, but I only felt joy for 0.2 seconds before anxiety took over, and I haven't been able to shut my brain up since 8 a.m. this morning! (It's almost ishaa time) and it has already put me in a bad mood, and it has already ruined my day, even though I did manage to pray all my prayers Alhamdulillah and on time Alhamdulillah, and recited my adhkar, Alhamdulillah, and I tried Quran also , Alhamdulillah, but I just can't.. I feel like my brain is gonna inflate so hard and swallow me :')

And I just wanna speak up for myself and for everyone who's living with similar conditions, that anxiety or depression never meant a low Iman like they like to point at us, it never meant that we believe less or trust Allah swt less! It's just how our brains are wired. It's a daily battle that we go through, it feels like swimming in the open ocean with high waves around you and very angry waters! sometimes we manage to float, and sometimes the water swamps us a little, and on our worst days we sink..

So, from this weak slave to all of you, I pray Allah swt sets at ease our dismay, calms our worries, and engulfs our hearts with his mercy. Hold on my little fighters, Allah's relief and mercy is near. May we reach the shore safely and be able to take a breath of calmness, comfort, and content. Ameen.

- A. Z. 🍃

[wolfstar-supremacy-innit]

"Tell who?"- Part 2

Remus smiled into his pillow. Why’s he so cute? He felt something rustle under his stomach. Reaching under himself, he pulled out a wrinkled piece of parchment. His resolutions list. Remus flipped onto his back and squinted at the letters. Warmth was pooling in his chest. Something is missing here. He patted the bed in search for his quill and ink, then wrote:

5. Fuck this I wanna tell him I love him

The paper slipped to the floor as Remus’ arms gave out and he drifted into an instantaneous, profound sleep.

Alternatively:

The Marauders are in their 6th year at Hogwarts, it's New Year's Eve and Remus writes a New Year's resolutions list. Sirius finds it the next day. The story is written from Remus' point of view. It's wolfstar and lighthearted. Kinda inspired by this fanfic.

This is part 2 of the story. I will be posting the other parts separately here and also the full fic on ao3 (I will link everything when it's done, check this post for that in some time). Warnings: underage drinking and smoking, mentions of anxiety disorder.

Part 1 Part 3

Enjoy! :)

“Moony! Get up, mate!” Like it was that easy. He couldn’t even get himself to pry his eyes open. It was James that woke him. “Come on, mate. We gotta show up at breakfast, so nobody gets suspicious.” Remus groaned and turned onto his back. A dreadful headache split his forehead.

“Ugh, fuck me.”

“Not right now, Moony. We gotta dash.” He could practically feel James’ stupid grin.

“Fine, fine. I’m getting up.” He blinked his eyes open, pushing onto his elbows, then slowly sat up. The throb in his temples was menacing. He got up gingerly. No nausea. Good. Picking out clean clothes from his neatly organised wardrobe, he headed for the bathroom. “Pete and I should probably go as soon as possible. Will you be alright to bring him down to the Great Hall,” he heard James question as he shut the door.

The shower did wonders to Remus’ hangover. It diminished his headache and helped clear his vision. It also felt nice to be in clean clothes, even though it was devastating having to take Sirius’ shirt off. But letting himself feel his emotions was no more, so he pushed down that thought. Remus walked back into the dorm, rubbing his wet hair with a towel. Lifting his gaze, he noticed Sirius leaning against his bedpost with one ankle crossed over the other. His lips were pulled in a small smile. Their eyes connected.

“Tell who?”

Remus’ stare fell on the yellow paper in Sirius’ hand and the realisation hit him momentarily. His heart dropped all the way to the floor. Oh, no. Oh, no no no no no... His mouth was utterly dry. Fear and panic washed over him like a thousand giant ocean waves coming down at once. ‘I wanna tell him I love him,’ he had written. Holy fucking fuck, he thought, Sirius knows I like a boy. There was a deafening, high pitched ringing in his ears.

“M-my dad... I never tell him that.” He was grasping at straws.

“Remus, come on,” Sirius huffed out a short laugh as he pushed himself off the board. He was shooting Remus this terribly meaningful look, and Remus begged the ground to crack open and claim him.

“I...“ Then before much further thinking, Remus turned on his heel and darted out the room and down the stairs as Sirius called out his name.

Fucked. He was so fucked. Idiot. Imbecile. How could he have written that and then just left it lying around?! Idiot. He smacked his forehead as he rounded a corner, then scuttled down the hallway. He was headed for his favourite hiding spot- a cosy alcove in the wall behind a tapestry on the fourth floor. Settling on the stone ground, Remus went through his breathing exercises. It wasn’t the first time he’d had an anxiety attack, except it was usually something associated with his lycanthropy. Shit, thank Merlin I didn’t write his name. He exhaled a shaky breath. It could have been worse, at least. He’s never drinking again, he concluded. Well, Sirius knew Remus liked boys. A boy. That was that. He rested his head on the wall behind him and closed his eyes. He stayed like that for a while, just breathing.

“Moony,” a voice called behind the tapestry. It was Sirius. Remus’ heart rate spiked again. “Stop freaking out, mate.”

“I can’t,” Remus replied.

“Can I come in?”

“Okay.”

Sirius pulled back the tapestry and gracefully climbed inside. He was clutching the map. He sat opposite Remus and drew his knees to his chest so they could both fit in the alcove. Remus was looking at the ground.

“Here, I brought you a sandwich. You skipped breakfast. Can’t imagine it helped your hangover.”

Remus took it without looking up. “Thanks.”

After a moment, Sirius started: “This is because it’s a him, right?”

“Well...” Remus cleared his throat. It’s also kinda because it’s you. “Yeah.”

“And what? You think I wouldn’t be okay with that?” Silence. “I don’t care about stuff like that, you idiot.” Sirius’ voice was incredibly soft and comforting. Remus finally looked at him. He shook his head and buried his face in his knees.

“Christ. Of course you don’t. It’s just... It’s a big deal for me. Nobody knows.”

“That’s alright, Moony, I get it. It’s all good with me." He paused. "So, are you... if you don’t mind me asking...” Remus drew his head back up. Sirius was asking if he was gay.

“I have no idea what I am, honestly. This has never happened before. Then again, it hasn’t happened with a girl, either.”

“Well, that’s fine. You have your whole life to figure it out.” Sirius flashed him a sympathetic smile.

“Yeah.” Remus’ lips curved as well.

After a few beats of silence, Sirius continued: “Moony in love... Blimey, this bloke must be something else, eh?” Yup.

“Well, I don’t know about love... I was pretty pissed last night when I wrote that.”

Sirius chuckled, throwing his head back. “Right. So... Does he fancy you back, d’you reckon?”

Remus couldn’t suppress the panicked short laugh that escaped his mouth. “No.” Sirius liking him back? What a joke.

“Well, how do you know? He doesn’t even know you fancy him, it seems.”

“Nope, and I hope it stays that way until the end of time.”

“Merlin, who is this lad anyway?”

“I’m not telling you!” Remus’ cheeks were flaming. There wasn’t a force in the world that could have made him look Sirius in the eye. This was a little too close for comfort.

“Hah, fine. One step at a time.”

They sat in silence for a few moments. Their ankles were touching. Remus pushed down his feelings of affection with all the mental strength he could gather.

“Um, could you not tell Wormtail and Prongs, please? I’m just not ready for people to know.”

“Of course, mate. You know you can talk to me about it, though?” His expression was soft and understanding.

“Yeah, I know.”

“Brilliant. Okay then.” Sirius pushed himself up and dusted off his trousers. “Should we get out of here? This is definitely a secret snogging spot.” He offered a hand to Remus and pulled him to stand as well.

“Please don’t taint the aura of my favourite hideout, Padfoot.”

This is why Remus liked Sirius so much. Of course, he was strikingly good-looking and cool as hell, but Remus liked his personality more. Sirius was a troublemaker and joked around with everyone, but when it came to moments like this, he was an incredible and supportive friend. Never short on advice (even if it was questionable a lot of the time). He never hesitated to go above and beyond for the people he loved. These were also the reasons why Remus reckoned he’d had a crush on his best friend for much longer than 4 months. Sirius’ looks just made it crystal clear, but Remus had been falling for him for years. Maybe love wasn’t such a strong word after all...

On the way back to their dormitory, Sirius asked: “Is it that Ravenclaw guy you study with at the library? What’s his face? Oliver?”

An obvious choice, but wrong. “Shut up,” Remus said, looking straight ahead, but the corners of his mouth lifted.

“Okay.” Sirius put his hands up, smiling. “Not Oliver, then.”

Sirius kept prodding him like that every once in a while for the following two weeks. Sometimes he would point at a random bloke in the hall and ask if that was Remus’ mystery crush. It made Remus laugh. Generally, it didn’t bother him at all and even became rather amusing. It grew into a sort of an inside joke between them.

They were sitting side by side at dinner one evening after all the students had returned from the holidays. Sirius was in his curious, mischievous mood.

“Oh! The- the muggle kid we hung out with last Christmas? When we were at James’,” he tried.

“Hah, no,” Remus answered, “I saw him like twice.” Sirius huffed.

“Is it somebody from home, then? Somebody I don’t know?”

Remus could’ve lied. He could’ve lied so easily. Still, he decided against it, given how dreadful he was at keeping life-changing secrets. He shook his head, looking at his plate. Sirius leaned so close to him, their shoulders touched. He all but started bouncing in his seat.

“So it is someone from Hogwarts!” Remus didn’t bring himself to answer. Instead, he shoved a particularly packed fork into his mouth. They were silent for a few moments, then: “Is it Snivellus?”

“Yuck, Sirius!” Remus shoved his shoulder as they both laughed.

“So, why don’t you just tell this bloke of yours, then?”

“Ha. Because he’s straight.”

“Oh, bummer. Sorry, Moony.”

Remus wanted to bang his head on the table. If only Sirius knew he was apologising for himself being straight. “It is how it is.”

Back in their dorm, a parcel was sitting on Sirius’ bed. “Padfoot, something arrived for you earlier. I paid the owl,” James explained.

“Oh, yes! They arrived! Cheers, mate.” Sirius leapt onto his bed and started tearing the paper. “What is it,” James asked, leaning closer to Sirius’ bed and peering at the package. Remus and Peter were doing the same. “My rings,” he exclaimed, sliding a silver loop onto his finger. He placed one on his ring finger, one on his thumb and two on his index finger, then stretched out his arm to examine his hand. They were all different shapes.

“Wicked,” James blurted out.

“Yeah, wicked,” Peter repeated. Remus could just sit and gawk like his mouth was sewn shut. What the fuck, Remus thought. He’s trying to kill me. It was hot. It was hot. Like his hands could get any sexier.

“Don’t worry, Moony, it’s not real silver,” Sirius said with the biggest grin on his face. Remus could just nod, swallowing thickly. Yeah, that was a good excuse for why he was baffled.

Sirius wore his rings everywhere. To class, to every meal, sneaking around the castle at night to arrange their next prank. And Remus loved it. After the initial bewilderment subsided, he adored looking at them. However, it didn’t help reduce his massive fucking crush on Sirius. Quite the opposite, as a matter of fact. Girls would come up to Sirius at lunch to tell him ‘his rings look amazing’, and Remus would almost start growling. It was a bit of a problem. He needed to repeatedly tell his brain to shut up in these moments.

***

Sirius was running out of ideas for who Remus' infamous crush could be. Remus was a bit concerned he would actually figure it out. However, Sirius just started bringing it up less and less. It seemed like the entire thing was blowing over and Remus was getting away with it.

They were sitting on James’ bed, leaned over the map. There was nobody else in the dorm. Their bodies were close together, Remus’ right shoulder behind Sirius’ left.

“Good old Prongsy,” Sirius said. James’ dot on the map was in the hallway outside the Great Hall. Lilly’s dot was right next to it. “He’s probably making an idiot of himself again. Poor lad’s gonna get himself hexed.” Remus laughed.

“I admire him,” Remus said, “I would have died from embarrassment by now.”

“Oh, have you seen it?!” Sirius suddenly turned to look at him, their noses almost brushed. Remus’ heart skipped a beat.

“Seen what?”

“The abomination James made for Evans for Valentine’s day!”

“For Valentine’s? But it’s January,” Remus said as Sirius opened the drawer of James’ bedside table and reached inside. He pulled out a wooden cube that fit in the palm of his hand.

“It opens on my voice for now. Later he’ll change it to activate when Evans says ‘James’.” In that moment the top of the box popped open and the sides fell to reveal a petit yellow bird figurine. Just as Remus thought: Oh, this is cute, a blearing sound spread through the room. “Evans,” the bird boomed in James’ voice, “go on a date with me this Hogsmeade weekend!” Remus grimaced at the volume of the noise.

“My idea to make it loud,” Sirius said with a proud grin.

“Oh, why did you help him with it?!” Remus started laughing.

“He’s gonna transfigure it into a real bird and make it sit oh her shoulder giving her compliments the whole day. I haven’t decided whether I’m gonna let him go through with it. Reckon it might be worth it to see the look on Evans’ face.”

“This is bad.” Remus couldn’t stop sniggering. “This is so bad.”

“The lad has no shame. Maybe you could make one for your mystery man. I bet it would change his views,” Sirius joked. He was being incredibly charming. Remus couldn’t help it. When you’re not supposed to look at something, it’s all your eyes want to do. He dropped his gaze to Sirius’ flawless lips. It wasn’t discreet at all. Remus realised he was leaning towards him, smiling stupidly. Sirius’ eyes flickered between Remus’ as realisation flashed across his expression. He drew back a little. “Oh,” was all he said. Remus’ smile dropped suddenly as he pulled back as well.

“Me?”

Remus’ heart was thumping in his ears. It kind of felt like his soul was leaving his body. No, actually, he was sure his soul was leaving his body. Suddenly, he scrambled off the bed frantically, saying: “Fuck, sorry,” then crossed the room in three large, quick steps and bolted out the door. “Moony,” he heard the dim and distant shout. Deja vu. Only this time he’d had enough sense to grab the map.

Part 1 Part 3

[spookybreadstick]

Whenever you're done with the matchups you have, I got curious how Tim, Brian, and EJ (yes, I'm becoming an EJ simp) would react with a s/o with minor tics? I can't find much representation for that :') - 🖌 anon

cont: It's mostly motor tics, and they're often anxiety induced, but sometimes they happen even if I'm not stressed out. - 🖌 anon

hi bby!! i hope this is the representation you’re looking for! i tried my best, but i don’t know if this is any good, so let me know. also, feel free to simp over EJ. he does sound like quite the catch, you know? 

💖 💖 💖

❓Brian with a s/o that has minor tics (mostly motor) ❓

❓Ok

❓It's not a big deal to him.

❓And it won't be, unless you want to make it a big deal.

❓ If you'd prefer him to behave a certain way when you tic, then just tell him and he's on it. Otherwise he's just going to ignore it.

❓If you wanna talk about it, then he'll listen to you though.

❓ It's just... he deals with Toby, so your tics really pale in comparison

❓ It hardly even fazes him tbh

❓ But if you’re stressed out, then he will help you to relax by drawing you a bath, inviting you to help garden, making you some tea or hot chocolate. 

❓ He picks up on stressed vibes pretty easily, and he’d do this even if you didn’t have any tics. He’s just a caring bf 

🎭Tim with a s/o that has minor tics (mostly motor)🎭

🎭 Okay, so the thing is, we know he gets annoyed super easily.

🎭 Especially with Toby.

🎭 He knows that Toby can't help it, but that doesn't stop him from still being aggravated whenever Toby's tics start to act up in a way that Tim finds bothersome

🎭 And he's not afraid to tell Toby he needs to go in another room because he's bothering him with his excessive noise and moving around. He can be so rude to poor Toby when he's in a bad mood

🎭 But the thing is, it's less about Toby's disorder and more about Toby's personality.

🎭 Their personalities just clash a lot of the time (although they do have good times, don't get me wrong), so anything remotely annoying about Toby pisses Tim off

🎭 But Tim would never treat his precious s/o the way he treats Toby. Toby's his roommate, coworker, and (kind of) friend.

🎭 You on the other hand, you are his s/o. You are special to Tim :)  

🎭 You could never get on his nerves.

🎭 He honestly forgets sometimes that you have do tic because it's just something he often glosses over.  

🎭 Everything you do is wonderful in his eyes. You could do no wrong, and never irritate him.

🎭 It's literally like:

*Toby, Tim, and you sitting in a quiet room while the boys are trying to work on something important*

Toby: *tics*

Tim: >:( Can you literally be quiet, I'm working here!!

You: *does the same tic*

Tim: :) baby!! :)

🎭 Does this make sense? No, not really. But it's a testament to his love for you, that nothing you could do would annoy him the way he gets annoyed by other people :)

🎭 If you’re stressed out, and he notices, he will make you food or ask you if you’d like a massage or something. If he doesn’t notice that you’re stressed, just ask him to snuggle and he will happily oblige. 

🤍 EJ with a s/o that has minor tics (mostly motor)🤍

🤍 He doesn't mind your motor tics. It's not like he can really see it anyway!

🤍 If you do have some vocal tics, he goes "brrr?" and you'll have to tell him not to worry, it was just a tic.

🤍 Remember that he relies on his hearing for a lot, so just be sure to let him know (if/when you can) you're ticcing so he's not standing there confused. EJ may not be able to see you very well, but he can still tell that there's some kind of movement happening (or a noise you make) so just fill him in when you can on what's going on.

🤍 And after you've been dating for a while, you won't need to do that because he can just kind of tell after being together for a long time.

🤍 EJ will do his research when you tell him about your tics, so he's fully prepared with everything and anything that may help you. He will become an expert overnight, just so that you are 100% comfortable with him at all times.

🤍 He is the only one out of the three here that will go out of his way to destress you before you even get to the point of stress-ticcing. 

🤍 EJ is one of the best people in the mansion to date if you have a tic disorder tbh, because he's so understanding. He also struggles with a, um, disability, let's say. So he gets not wanting to be viewed or treated differently, and he understands that there may need to be adjustments to certain things in your relationship (ex: Movie dates are not a thing with EJ. And perhaps you can't be in the room when EJ is performing a check-up on someone because that triggers your tics. It's not a big deal as long as the both of you understand the others limits and such).

🤍 EJ can be a worrier so if he hears you tic and, for example, you hit your arm on something, he'll definitely fuss over you. Expect to hear "you alright, dear?" many, many times.

[giorno-plays-piano]

Playing games Pairing: dark!Sebastian Stan x Reader Warning: yandere, swearing, some non-con implications towards the end. Words: 2069. P.S. JESUS CHRIST WHAT HAVE I DONE I AM A TERRIBLE PERSON I HOPE NO ONE WHO REALLY MET SEBASTIAN GONNA READ THIS ghjdfyjdfds I’m so sorry guys _____________________________________ “I asked for a vanilla latte with extra milk, not caramel cappuccino.”

You rolled your eyes at his irritated remark. You knew Sebastian wasn’t in his best mood this morning and expected him to make your day nastier just because he felt like it.

“Sorry, but I’m sure it was caramel cappuccino. You asked for some cinnamon on the top, remember?”

“No, I didn’t.” He snarled and looked at you, giving a mocha frappe to Jill, his hair artist. “I asked for a vanilla latte. If you suffer from memory loss, you’d better visit your doctor once we get back to US.”

What an asshole. Mary, who was now applying some makeup on Sebastian’s face with her beauty blenders and brushes, bit down on her lip: she had been watching how he treated you for the last 3 weeks, and it was a living nightmare. It was very odd since Sebastian was on good terms with pretty much everyone around, but you were always an exception. Why? Neither Mary nor Jill could tell. There was nothing revolting in the way you behaved around Mr. Stan, simply doing your job as his assistant. You were getting him coffee every morning, buying some personal stuff for him, managing his meetings… but you were more an errand girl, that’s true. It was surprising for most of the other people surrounding you two, but you didn’t object to your tasks. You were furious because of the way Sebastian treated you.

He was mean, unfair, irritating, and rude. You didn’t deserve it.

“Well, my voice recorder tells I got everything right.” You pulled it from the pocket of your below-knee sheath skirt, ready to press the button.

“What the fuck is that?” The man rose to his feet immediately, almost pushing frozen Mary out of his way and stepping towards you. “How many times do I have to tell you? NO. FUCKING. RECORDERS.”

He was ready to snatch it from your hands, yet you were able dodge him right on time, hiding the recorder in your pocket again.

“Ok, ok, I’m sorry, I’ll put it away!” In a second you were behind Jill’s tall figure as if you were a child hiding from a bad-tempered parent, Sebastian watching you with anger in his cold blue eyes. “I’m not going to use it. But it’s still true, you asked for caramel cappuccino.”

“Guess what? I don’t fucking care.” He growled in a low voice. “You’ll go and get me vanilla latte because it’s your goddamn job. And I want my coffee before Jill’s finished with my hair, understood?”

Watching his with clear disdain on your face, you cursed under your breath. It was freaking hot in Prague where Sebastian was filming now and getting out the second time just to run to Starbucks once more would sure ruin both your makeup and a white blouse you had been wearing. Damn it.

“God, why do you have to be such a bastard most of the time?” You snapped at him, visibly shaking with fury. “What the hell is wrong with you? Are you a closet psycho or what?”

“I’m the one who pays you, honey.” He smiled at you the same way he always did it in front of the camera and you felt sick.

You stormed off the room without having a glance back at his perfect white teeth. Sebastian Stan was the worst person you had ever met, and you were working for him, seeing him every day and listening to his orders as if you were his pet. How did it come to this? Why did he look like the most perfect human being to you six months ago? What made him behave like that to you when in reality it was him who offered you a job?

God, it was all messed up. You did not remember when things got so bad you could yell at each other in a full voice. It was actually surprising, someone like you shouting and swearing at one of the world’s most famous actors, but it was something Sebastian let you do. Like he wanted you to scream at him regardless who surrounded you whether it was his makeup artists, agents, cleaning ladies or anyone else. It was like he got off on it.

True, this job payed well, much better than the one you had before. Moreover, in these 6 months you saw more countries than you did in your entire life, travelling with Sebastian everywhere and meeting tons of new people, many of them being great professionals. It was inspiring; it made you dream of all the things you thought were impossible; it made you curious and gave you a chance to practice your networking skills.

But Sebastian was fucking blowing it. After six months of constant everyday battles filled with rage and pure hatred you had gained weight, 10 pounds to be precise. Now you were having problems to sleep, and you knew it wasn’t the jet lag.

Anyway, you spent the whole day running around the city to buy him this or that. In the evening you were so tired you could barely move your legs while Sebastian was clearly pleased seeing you like that. It probably stroked his enormous ego.

Fuck it. You didn’t deserve a minute of it. You were not going to let him ruin you for fun, just because he could it since he payed you. Why did you spend you precious time trying to please him? Sure, you still considered him one of the best actors on the planet, but the things he did to you were not ok. He wasn’t ok. Maybe he really was a psycho or had some disorder he didn’t want to treat, you had no idea. But you knew it couldn’t continue like that. It was too much.

You spent an hour writing an email and asking to be laid off. It was just a few lines, simple and professional, yet you were constantly adding and then erasing new sentences. You shouldn’t make it personal, you thought to yourself. You doubted you could leave on agreeable terms, but you needed to give it a try. Even if your last argument with Mr. Stan might be the worst of them all, it would be your last one. It was worth it.

Sighing, you decided to take a stroll before going to bed. 15 minutes wouldn’t hurt, right? You’d have some fresh air and enjoy the view of Prague’s Powder Gate – you were lucky to stay right in the center of this magnificent old city. You could make some more photos to show your friends once you return back home. It was also nice to just sit on a bench and look at the night sky full of stars.

Maybe then you wouldn’t feel so guilty for leaving Sebastian and your team.

In the end, it took you way more that 15 minutes, but your late-night walk made your thoughts clear and left no regrets about your choice. What was happening between you and Sebastian wasn’t right, and you could do nothing but leave. With so many people wishing to work for him he would get another assistant in a matter of hours, and you would get your life back. Those money you earned would keep you afloat quiet some time even if you wouldn’t be able to get a job right away.

“What is this, Y/N?”

His voice almost made you jump. Sebastian stood up from the chair in the corner of your room once you put on the lights. What the Hell was he doing here so late? How did he open the door? If he needed anything, he could simply give you a call.

Oh. You saw your little black recorder in his hand.

“I told you I won’t use it anymore.” Your jaw clenched.

“I’m not talking about this piece of shit.”

He tossed your recorder on your bed as if he couldn’t care less and moved towards you so fast you had no time to step back.

“What is this pathetic email you wrote?” Sebastian’s handsome face darkened. “Are you not right in the head? You want to leave?”

“Yes, I do. What’s wrong with that?” Your expression hardened. He dared to touch your laptop when you weren’t there. “I thought you’d be glad to know. Today you told me three times I didn’t deserve working for you, correct?”

“You know perfectly well I wasn’t serious.”

“God, I have a hard time telling when you’re serious since all you do is hating me.”

He sent you an icy glare.

“You know I don’t hate you. You just happen to bring the worst in me, dear.”

There he was again. God, were you going to have this argument right now when you were deadly tired? You hoped it could wait till tomorrow, but it was clearly not your luckiest day.

“If you want to blame me again, it’s ok. I’m the worst one. I’m a bad person and a terrible assistant.” You squeezed your eyes shut and sighed again, scratching your forehead. “I get it. What I don’t get is why you aren’t happy I’m leaving.”

“Because I don’t want you to leave. If I really hated you so much, I’d already found another assistant, but I don’t want that.”

“Listen, let’s stop playing our games just for a few minutes.” This conversation made you feel even more exhausted. “We don’t get along. You don’t like me. Why do we torment each other? I don’t even remember the last time we had a regular conversation without shouting and cursing.”

“I’m not playing games with you, dear. You do.” He had already cornered you, his face determined and somewhat unsettling. “What do you want? A raise? More benefits?”

You were ready to yell at him again.

“Did you listen to what I just said? I want to leave. I want to come home and forget about all our horrible fights. I want to have a steady and boring job back in US. Do you understand?”

“NO, I DON’T!” The man screamed at you again, and now you suddenly felt his arms clenching your shoulders painfully and winced from his touch. “I already told you to stop toying with me! After all this shameless flirting and batting your eyes you wanna tell me you’re leaving? Do you think I’m so stupid to believe in this bullshit?”

It took you a few seconds to process his words. What? Flirting? Well, you did consider him handsome and charming, who on Earth didn’t, but you had never pulled anything like that. At first, it was because of your professionalism, and then your relationships escalated so fast you knew that he hated you and you hated him. What Sebastian had been even talking about?

You felt very aware how close he was once you felt his heavy breath on your face. He never did this before.

“Listen, I don’t know what you’re talking about, but I want to leave. That’s all.” You tried pushing him back with your hands against his chest. “Please, let me go. I need to… t-to go to the kitchen.”

“You’re going nowhere, dear.” His expression darkened. “Tell me the truth. You don’t want me to treat you like my assistant? I get it, I get it, it’s fine. I can treat you like my girl in front of everyone if that’s what you want.”

“No! I – “

His put his hand on your mouth immediately, leaning in closer.

“It’s ok, I understand. I grew tired of pretending like nothing happens between us, too. You want me to let everyone now? It’s ok. I’ll post our photo on Instagram tomorrow. Is this what you want? Is this what you want?”

You tried to scream, but his grip on you was too strong as if Sebastian was really some kind of super soldier. Desperately trying to wriggle free you only got him to hold you tighter, his soft lips all over your face already wet with tears.

“It’s ok, dear. I got it.” He shushed you, trying to keep your arms together with his hand and pushing his knee in between your legs. “I’m sorry it took me so long. I understand now, so you don’t have to go. You won’t go, will you?”

You couldn’t answer him even if you wanted to.

[rocketink]

LITTLE WHITE LIES

You don’t need Mingyu as a new roommate. Not when it’s impossible to bite your tongue around him. Not when you are arguing with him and suddenly complimenting him. Or, in a soulmate world, you can’t lie to your soulmate, but you didn’t know that.

pairing: mingyu x gender neutral reader

genre: fluff, crack, a dash of angst maybe?? + soulmate! au + roomate! au

wc: 2.8+k

warning: I think that none uwu

notes: find minghao’s soulmate au! here. Also I think this turned out differently than how I wanted but I needed to post it haha.

Living the college life along with your best friend is a teenage dream come true. You've spent half of your life planning on where you would live, how would your apartment be, what would both of you study (and many more things that are actually impossible to plan in advance). Everything was fine at first: living out of town, in a big city where you could find anything you wanted, partying, meeting new people, studying something different and -the most important part- living with your friend. Eventually, it all became too much and you both began to feel the pressure of not living under the same roof with your parents, overall when it came to paying for the apartment.

"We need to do something," Your friend told you one day.

"I know," You sighed "We'll figure something out."

"What about a roommate?"

You thought it through for a second. Your apartment had a spare room you both used as a storage room, it even had a bed on it and it wasn't that small, so there would be no problem with three people living in an apartment that is actually for three people. Still...

"No,"

"What? Y/n, why?" Your friend seemed stressed and you almost felt bad, "it would be much better if somebody lived with us. If we split the rent into three we won't have to be so stressed about the money every month."

"I would rather get a part-time job. Look, I want to live with you and just you. Another person will make things worse and I don't want that."

"Do you realize that we would still be the same, just with another person around, right?"

"As if that was just a little change!"

Your friend groaned and so did you. You knew you were being irrational but living with someone is complicated, and you didn't know if you were willing to live with another stressed-out student. Personalities can clash. The mood could get worse.

"Look, let me find someone nice. I pinky-promise you that if you have a meaningful reason to hate them, we'll kick them out and find each of us part-time jobs and we'll manage. Just let me try," your friend extended her pinky and you entwined it with yours, your thumbs touching.

Find a meaningful reason to hate them? Tsk, that isn't hard at all, you are sure you'll find something in no time. Your friend can't find the perfect roommate because the perfect roommate doesn't exist.

Turns out the best roommate does exist. Kim Mingyu is the name. You accept him because he is friends with Wonwoo and you happen to owe the older boy a favor. Still, Mingyu is just as Wonwoo described him to be: clean, organized, hates disorder, can cook very delicious food and loves to have some company. He forgot to mention how incredibly handsome he is and how you share the same hobbies and preferences. 

You get nervous around him all the time because you hate to admit your new roommate is the closest to your ideal type you’ve ever met, and even if you are in the same room all you answer are monosyllables. One day it all gets even weirder. You wanted to watch something on the television but he already was watching some netflix show.

“Mingyu I really want to see this new series, can I?” You are sure he would gently give you the remote control, but he doesn’t.

“But I’m watching my show.” He looks taken aback at himself and you frown.

“But your show is on Netflix you can watch it anytime. Mine is live, there's no way I can watch it anytime later.”

“This is the first time in the week I’m watching television. I want to have it to myself.” This time he frowns and he checks himself in the mirror beside the sofa. “What am I doing?” You hear him whispering.

“Mingyu you are straight-up being selfish. Can’t you just watch it tomorrow?” You stop thinking for a second, did you just call him selfish? Without you actually wanting to do that?

“Selfish? You talk to me for the first time to call me selfish?”

“Yes, and I’d do it again.” Why can’t you speak nicely?

“Well, you’re so boring. This is the first time we talked, I barely even knew how your face was before today, you don’t want to get to know your new roommate don’t you?” Oh no, he didn’t. He slaps himself and you almost want to laugh. What a stupid, random guy.

“You shouldn’t even be here! Me and my friend were perfectly fine by ourselves, you being here is a mistake. I don’t care how hot you are, I don’t like you.” You seem unable to filter your words around him, so you turn around and leave. You hear him doing the same thing. In the end, nobody watched television that night.

You text your friend and roommate right after throwing yourself to your bed.

To: roommie

I fought with Mingyu

From: roomie

Really? What happened?

To: roomie

He’s just brutally honest.

And just like that began a push-and-pull with Mingyu you are not very proud of. You fight about almost everything: he nags you for not doing the dishes when you don’t have to and you complain that he keeps leaving the television on playing sumb shows. You even got to fight about your hobbies which are the only thing you have in common.

“I’m so done with you two.” Your roommate tells you. “You guys are the softest around me, why can’t you filter your words with each other?” No one ever answers them.

Christmas is coming and for the first time you are not excited. Your friend leaves to see their family and you stay because your parents are spending holidays somewhere else and you’ll celebrate right after. But the reason why it gets so stressing is because Mingyu is not leaving either.

One day, he steps out of his room looking extremely handsome. He wears a black jumper with a white shirt underneath, jeans and a horrible brown hat.

“How do I look? Be honest.”

“You look really fine, but for the love of god change that hat, it looks like my uncle’s” boring was the word you actually wanted to say. Just boring.

“I- I wasn’t expecting you to answer my question.” You try to play it cool, as if it was a joke so you roll your eyes.

“Our dear roommate left an hour ago.”

“Oh, I always ask them for honest advice about my fashion.”

“Mingyu, your fashion sense is amazing. You always look hot” Once again, you surprise yourself being honest rather than teasing him. Fast, make a comment about how ugly his hair is, “you have nice hair, it will look even better if you keep it swept back.”

“Thank you Y/n, this means a lot coming from someone as attractive as you.” You feel yourself blushing and he immediately turns around and slams the door to his room.

Did I just flirt with Kim Mingyu without being conscious of it? Why is my mouth behaving as if it had life on its own.

Mingyu leaves twenty minutes later, still too ashamed to look at you. He just mumbles something that goes like “date” and you get it. When he comes back, he is not wearing his typical smile and you know something is off.

“How did the date go?”

“Awful.” He looks surprised once again at his own words, but he shakes his head. He looks tired. “I don’t think they were the one for me.”

Come on Y/n -you panick- say something, a little white lie ‘that’s probably because you’re boring’ will do.

“That’s probably because they’re boring.” Oh god, you feel like strangling yourself.

“I think I am the boring one.”

“How can Kim Mingyu be boring?” You asks willingly -this time-

“You tell me, you hate me.”

“I may hate you, but I know for sure that you are not boring. We share hobbies you know? Are you calling both of us boring?”

For the first time, he laughs softly at you and you melt.

Oh no. Feelings. No. Protect yourself.

“I like your smile.” Damn it Y/n.

“Really?” His smile widens and you think you’ve never seen a prettier human being. “I like your smile too, even if I barely see it.” And just like all the times he talks to you, he looks honest. You smile too.

“I should go to bed.” You say, breaking the moment. He nods.

“I should, too. Goodnight Y/n.”

“Goodnight Mingyu. Oh, and don’t rush yourself to find a partner, your soulmate will come when you least expect it. Just enjoy yourself.” And this is the first time you willingly say something nice to Mingyu, sharing the piece of advice you always tell you yourself when you’re feeling down for not having a soulmate.

“I will, thank you Y/n.”

“So you’re telling me Mingyu is the most similar person to your ideal type, that you can’t filter your words around him and that’s why you bickered so much, that you called him hot twice and ever since he goes to you for advice?” Your roommate feels lost a week after coming back from holidays and watching all the furtive glances you’ve sent to Mingyu. You feel lost, too.

“Yes. We’ve been nice to each other ever since. He keeps on asking me for fashion and date advice and I can’t lie to him, I really can’t. I’ve tried everything. Do you know how many times I’ve wanted to tell him he actually looks like an ugly fish? A lot. Wanna know what I end up telling him? That he looks like an adorable puppy.”

“Well, that’s embarrassing.”

“He calls himself a puppy ever since. I want to cry, that's so adorable I feel my heart melting. I hate feelings.” Your friend looks pretty amused at your antics but you are just distressed. “But the best part is that I have developed feelings in what? Three weeks? Just because I can’t contain my words when I’m around him and because he gives compliments back and flirts back and I’m full-time panicking?”

“Wait. He flirts back?”

“He says I’m a kitten because he is a puppy and we fight all the time. Everytime I call him hot he says it’s a big compliment coming from me. He always tells me I’m the best and that he’s glad we’re friends. One time he asked me to cuddle because he stole my blanket and then he stood up and left and so did I”

“Y/n, are you listening to yourself? He’s as embarrassing as you are, he definitely likes you back. Soulmate culture”

“No, he doesn’t like me back. Quit the soulmate thing, we’re obviously not” You sigh, feeling a little sad, “He just thinks it’s a joke and he jokes back and when it gets out of hand he just behaves like the emotionally constipated person he is and I smash my head against the door because I say embarrassing things for real, god knows why, and he just… Jokes.”

“Oh dear.” Your friend gives you a hug and you hug them back. You needed to vent. “But how do you know he’s not interested? He acts very suspicious around you, he won’t ever call me hot. He even may be having trouble to keep his words to himself, that does sound like a soulmate thing, doesn’t it?”

“He’s been going on little dates. Tonight he has another one, he’s just asked me about his outfit and I’ve just embarrassed myself again, that just leaves it pretty clear. He doesn’t like me back. We’ll never be soulmates.”

“Wait, did you just say tonight?”

“Yes, tonight.” Your friend frowns and they check their phone, “is everything okay?”

“It’s just that Wonwoo told me they were going to watch movies. He’s pissed because Mingyu has been a little sad lately and he cancelled his date to console him.”

“They what?”

“Y/n, I’m going ro be honest with you. Since I came you’ve been looking at each other and looking for excuses to be clingy. It's disgusting. Think about this: if you like him a lot, you behave differently around him, you can’t lie to him and you joke-flirt all the time. Maybe that has a special meaning?”

You look at them scared. Mingyu can’t be your soulmate. If he was something would have happened, something else. As you’ve said before, he should be finding it hard to lie to you too. Maybe you’ll need to ask him about it? Mingyu and you... Soulmates... Would it be such a crazy idea? Just when your friend’s about to leave your room to let you think, they receive a message. 

“Look at this,” It’s a message from Wonwoo, it reads: why is Mingyu coming all dressed up? “talk to him, okay?”

You wait for Mingyu to come. It’s late when he’s back and your roommate has already gone to sleep.

“Hi” he greets.

“Hi,” you greet back

C’mon Y/n, you can do this, just ask a simple question ‘did you have fun on your date?’

“Did you have fun with Wonwoo?” I hate myself.

Mingyu looks surprised but he laughs it off. 

“Did Wonwoo tell you?”

“No, he told our roommate,”

“And why did our roommate tell you about it?”

Okay, you have to lie just one more time. If this one works out, you just forget about Mingyu being your soulmate thing. Just try this: ‘Because they asked me about you”

“Because I asked them about you,” you have no remedy.

Mingyu raises his eyebrows. You are not in the teasing mood.

“Look, I just want to ask you something. If the answer is no you can just forget this has happened and we can move on. Do you find it hard to lie to me? Because I find it hard to lie to you. I just can’t. It was nice when we were fighting over factual things like who left the tv turned on, but it’s not anymore because I keep telling you things I feel deep inside and you just make jokes about it.”

“What type of things, Y/n?” His gaze is intense and you have to look away.

‘That you are the worst person I’ve ever met’ try it, just one more little lie.

“That you are the best person I’ve ever met. That you are incredibly hot and attractive and you can pull any outfit and you are so nice and easy to be with. That I appreciate our friendship because I think it’s sincere and I’m not always that honest with my friends and that makes it special, but sometimes I say things I don’t want to say because you don’t feel the same.”

“That you hate me?”

“That I love you, Mingyu”

Mingyu releases all the breath he didn’t know he was holding.

“You know how hard it was for me to figure out why I was being an idiot with you? I love my Netflix shows and I don’t really want to give anyone the remote but I always end up doing it because it’s not that big of a deal, why couldn’t I do it with you? Why was I being so rude and careless?” He looks embarrassed but then he smiles, just the way you want him to smile, “and then everything changed between us and I didn't want to compliment you but it was so easy not lying to you. You looked just fine afterwards so I supposed you took it as a joke and continued. Just to let you know, y/n, I mean them.”

“So they weren’t jokes?”

“I can’t joke about this because with you I always say what’s on my mind. And in my head you’re the most precious person ever.” You feel like crying, finally a mutual feeling. This feeling can only be resumed in one word: soulmate “You weren’t joking either?”

“I wish I was, just how many times have I embarrassed myself in front of you?”

“As many as I did.” Mingyu runs to your side on the sofa and hugs you tightly, “do you know how many times I’ve wanted to do this?”

“As many as I did” you hug him back and rest your head on his chest. His heart is beating as fast as yours. “Does this mean you won’t go on dates anymore?”

“Why would I? I have a soulmate that I love.” You peck his lips and he gives you another kiss right after, “besides, they weren’t dates, they were friendly hangouts with Seungcheol and Joshua, and sometimes Wonwoo.”

“But why did I dress you up then?”

“A little white lie maybe? You just assumed they were dates and I never stopped you, I like going well-dressed everywhere though. Wonwoo still doesn’t get it.” You snort. “I haven’t gone on a date ever since I understood I liked you, at some point in Christmas.”

“We can stop with the little white lies then?”

“They don’t work out,” he smiles and goes for another kiss, “and I can finally tell you I love you anyways.”

[thedevildomdaily]

Demonic Possessions Chapter 7: Her Favorite Color

Note: Here’s the Master List for the full story. I recommend reading my stuff on my actual Blog if you enjoy OM! official music! Thank you so much for the support. Please let me hear from you in the comment section. I wanna talk OM!

Warnings: Swearing, NSFW (I told you I’d get to it soon lol)

“For the last time… I.DON’T. KNOW!!!”

It was another chaotic morning in the House of Lamentation. It was hard for Lucifer to believe that his home could become any more turbulent and disordered than it had been for the centuries that he and his younger brothers arrived in the Devildom. The arrival of the nephilim proved otherwise.

He sat at his seat in the dining room with his eyes closed, cup of coffee in hand; his posed as regal and reserved as usual, giving a false sense of calm. Lilly sat at his left, stealing a glance at him to see if he was going to do anything about the riot in progress in the attic.

The other residents looked up at the swinging chandelier, flinched at the occasional slamming of objects, and the slur of unbecoming language being exchanged between the eldest and youngest nephilim.

“I have a notion as to why their kind was expelled out of the Celestial Kingdom…” Satan said aloud as he took a bite of toast.”

Mammon scratched his head and looked at Asmodeus, “And why exactly are they try’n to kill each other this morning?”

“Oh!” The lustful demon chuckled, “It’s quite simple really. They are arguing over the color pallet of the room.”

“You’re tell’n me they are screaming over paint colors all mornin, wake’n me up so damn early!?” Mammon gritted his teeth.

“It’s kind of a big deal though…” Asmo explained, “The colors of your wall not only set the mood for the room, but also dictate the color of everything else in the room: curtains, comforters, accent pillows, rugs, the furniture itself...and then you have to consider the theme! Are you going modern, Victorian, futuristic? It’s actually a very serious situation. I remember when my bathroom was painted eggshell and not silverscreen! I was furious and nearly murdered my interior designer…”

Mammon stared at his younger brother, judging him for how serious he was about that incident. Lucifer had to intervene on the account that the designer in question was the royal designer in charge of the decor for social gatherings in the castle. Diavolo would’ve been upset if his designer was flayed to death.

When silence finally fell upon them, the brothers and Lilly sighed collectively before continuing the morning meal. Then entered Lena.

Mammon jumped at the door flying open near him. Satan, Belphegor, and Asmo laughed and teased their older brother’s reaction.

“Damn psychopath….” Lena muttered to herself with grit teeth as she pulled her chair back and sat down with extra force. She began to quickly grab at food, tossing it onto her plate, knowing she had to act fast before Beelzabub devoured everything.

The nephilim felt eyes upon her, but she didn’t address anyone at first. She just continued to get her food and began to eat.

With a mischievous grin, Amso was the first to break the silence, “Leee-nnnaaa...I missed snuggling with you last night…” He gave wink at her when she glanced in his direction. “Are you really okay with crashing on Lilly’s couch?”

“Not really, but it looks like I’ll be sleeping there for a while longer.” Lena stabbed into her scrambled eggs in anger, “Azriel has flooded my brain with so many decisions about colors and I’m about to scream…”

“And what was that a moment ago?” Mammon dared to ask.

A black aura formed around the nephilim and her eyes glared heavily at the second eldest demon, “A warning that apparently isn’t being heeded…” the greedy brother gulped and looked back down at his nearly empty plate.

“Seriously though, I’m so sorry. I’ve brought a lot of chaos into your home in the form of my brother…” her eyes raised to look at everyone and fell upon an indifferent Lucifer. “And sorry for waking everyone up so early this morning.”

“It’s okay...we’re totally used to this kinda of commotion...right guys?” Lilly responded, looking around to get others to join in.

“Oh um…” Leviathan’s face got red, “Y-yeah...usually it’s Mammon causing the Chaos...so this is really a nice change!”

Asmo and Satan chimed-in, agreeing with their older brother. Belphie yawned and nodded while Beel kept chowing down. It made Lilly calm down, glad her apology was accepted. Only Lucifer neglected to acknowledge or accept her apology. Well that and Mammon pouted at being picked on by everyone again.

************************************

Lena lingered in her last class of the day. She was looking at her phone, researching color options for her room. She promised her brother that she would reach a decision by the time she got back home to the House of Lamentation.

Not paying attention to where she was walking, the nephilim bumped into what felt like a brick wall. She quickly stumbled back and looked up. It was Lord Diavolo, accompanied by his stewart, Barbatos. Was everyone over a foot taller than her? No, the angel baby wasn’t.

“S-sorry Lord Diavolo!” Lena said with a clear look of embarrassment across her face. There was something about the prince that made her feel timid and jittery. Definitely unable to look him directly in the eye. It was so unlike her. “I should’ve paid more attention to where I’m going and not at my DDD…”

“It’s quite alright. The halls are empty now so the percentage of you walking into someone was extremely low…” he responded with a chuckle in his voice. He was always smiling and in good spirits. He also had this knowing expression in his eyes. Yeah, that’s what had her frazzled. His expression...and not those broad shoulders or the muscles that peaked through his school uniform shirt. Not his massive size and confident aura...and now she was staring at his tie.

“Miss Lena...are you okay?” he asked, seeing how she was spacing-out while glancing up at him.

“Oh uhm, I...I was just deep in thought about...COLOR CHOICES! Yes, color choices. I have no idea what to pick and I can’t go back to the House of Lamentation until I have or my brother will go off again…”

Diavolo chuckled and exchanged looks with Barbatos. The prince’s stewart gave Lena a very calming smile and asked, “If you don’t mind, may we see the colors you're considering? We could give you our opinion.”

Lena regained some of her composure and turned her DDD so the two powerful demons could take a look. “See, Azriel went overboard as usual. Now I know the difference between 99% of these colors; the tones lean to one side or another and the values vary going this way...I love color theory as an artist myself so it’s a really hard decision for either of us to decide on.”

Giving it a serious thought, Lord Diavolo took the nephilim’s phone to hold it closer. His large hand overlapped Lena’s, causing a deep crimson to spread across her normally snow white complexion. If he noticed, the prince didn’t give an indication. Barbatos smiled as usual and used his fist to cough slightly, catching his Master’s attention.

Looking back down at the blushing nephilim who’s arm was raised high at him and then to Barbatos, the demon prince chuckled and lowered his hand and gave an apology. “Well I’m not so versed in color theory, but these group of colors here really catch my attention. What do you think Barbatos?”

“A splendid choice.” he agreed, “And you might consider using these colors as accents once the room has been painted…”

“Barbatos is in charge of all decorating in the castle. His tastes are superb and he’s never let me down when setting up for events.” the prince boasted.

Lena thanked them both after looking at the colors they selected. “You guys are onto something with these. Thank you guys so much! I was afraid I might have to just camp out here tonight!” she chuckled.

“What are they onto?” A sudden voice boomed from the shadowy hallway behind the prince. Suddenly Lucifer came into view. He looked down at Lena with a hint of suspicion in his eyes.

“Oh Luci! We just helped narrow down some color choices for Lena’s room. We heard it’s been rather interesting at The House of Lamentation in the mornings over this…” Diavolo chuckled. His voice was deep and boisterous. Lena could drink in that deep laughter for eternity she thought to herself.

“My Lord, if you have time to pick Lena’s colors, then you have time to go over those documents I sent you….” the demon scolded. “Lena, you are without your escort so I will accompany you home now.” Lena had sent Levi away since he was in a rush to pick up an order of “great importance” from Akuzon before Mammon could get to it.

“Haha, looks like I’ve been caught by Luci!” Diavolo responded, scratching the back of his head. We better return to the student council room before we get in trouble Barbatos.”

“Thank you both again.” Lena chimed. She followed after Lucifer, but looked back at the two, mouthing the words “I’m sorry” to them both. The demons both gave her a smile and Diavolo waved at her before heading back in the opposite direction.

********************

Lena and Lucifer walked home in silence for the most part. It felt both tense and awkward for the nephilim. The demon was a man of few words it seemed and she didn’t know how to communicate with him. It bothered her, but he didn’t understand why.

“So uh…” she began, looking down at the ground

“Yes?” he responded, with almost slight irritation in his voice, “What is it you want to say?”

“Well, this morning...I apologized for mine and my brother’s behavior and disruption of your morning.”

Lucifer waited a moment for her to continue, but when Lena didn’t, he let out a sigh, “Are you worried by my lack of direct response to your apology Miss Lena?”

The way he asked that rubbed Lena the wrong way; there was a smugness in his voice that reminded her of the Council of Elders the Van Helsing’s worked with. They always treated her poorly because of not only her mixed race, but her gender as well.

“I wouldn’t say ‘worried’ per say..” she responded with her own level of annoyance in her voice, “I just think it’s rather rude. If someone goes out of their way to apologize for something, especially before anyone comments on it, it warrants a response.”

“And was my silence over the matter not a response in itself Miss Lena?” The eldest demon brother didn’t even look at her once as he spoke. It was becoming more infuriating and she could see why Satan and Belphegor were always talking about pranking him. She’d have to get in on it sometimes. Give them more daring options to annoy the hell out of this pompous ass.

“I guess it was a response. But maybe it could give an undesired translation…” she hesitated with a cocked eyebrow. Lucifer didn’t comment, but she caught him giving a slight glare in her direction. “I might take that silence as indifference to how much noise I may make in the morning. It may lead to me thinking that it’s okay to blast my metal….no dubstep music in the mornings while i do my workout routine before showering.”

There was a moment of silence as they approached The House of Lamentation’s front gates. Then Lucifer gave the most ominous chuckle that Lena had ever heard. It was the complete opposite of Lord Diavolo’s. “Was that a threat Miss Lena?” he asked rhetorically, “You really think I’d let you ‘blast’ that sort of abominable form of music before sunrise in my home?” He finally fully turned to look down at her with that intimidating expression.

Lena looked right back at him with the same expression. It was like a contest of wills and all she could think of was that this demon was nothing more than a pretentious asshole. And the way he looked down at her, both literally and metaphorically, made her want to stomp his foot.

“What are you two doing?” a sudden voice behind them called.

It was Beelzabub with a couple sacks of burgers in hand, with a single burger hanging from his mouth.

“Nothing.” Lucifer glared at his youngest brother. “And why are you eating all of that? It’s Satan’s turn to cook tonight.” He paused for a moment and shook his head before going on by himself into the house.

Both Lena and Beel just stood and watched him leave. “Your brother can be a real piece of work, ya know that Beel?” He blinked back in response for a moment.

“I don’t know what you two were talking about, but Lucifer doesn’t talk a whole bunch unless he’s scolding or directing us…”

“Ah, he’s a Mr. Bossy Pants type. I guess it’s in the name though, right? Avatar of Pride. He’s probably never admitted to be wrong about anything has he? She asked, walking slowly with the redheaded demon.

Beelzabub thought long and hard about it for a moment, “I guess not. I’m not sure he’s ever been wrong about anything...except with his actions towards Be- oh, nevermind that. It’s in the past.”

Lena put his response in a pocket in the back of her mind. Having a little insight on the head demon in charge that even manages to boss Lord Diavolo around is nice.

*****************************

“There you are! I tried to ask Levi where you were but he grabbed his Akuzon package bolted to his room.” Lilly shouted when Lena and Beelzebub entered the house.

Lena chuckled and explained what happened up until this point. This caused Lilly to sigh and shake her head. “Sounds like Lucifer alright. He’s just hard to read, but don’t take his comments or silence for that matter personally. It’s just how he is. You’ll get used to it after awhile. And who knows, he might start talking in multiple sentences after getting to know you better.”

“Ha! That’s assuming he’d ever want to get to know me. I can tell he’s just under obligation to all me to stay here. He’d toss me out given the first chance he got. It makes me even more happy to have Lord Diavolo in my corner…” Lena couldn’t hold back her dreamy sigh, which caused the human to chuckle. Yeah it was pretty damn obvious what the nephilim was thinking about.

*************

Both Lilly and Asmodeus accompanied Lena up to the attic to see what her brothers had accomplished. Apparently Zak had given up on his plans to assist in keeping his siblings from causing too much trouble. It was a full time job he truly wished he got paid for.

Asmo had attached himself to Lena, always holding her hand or wrapped his arms around her like she was a stuffed animal. She didn’t mind it. He was a super clingy, affectionate type. And he smelled absolutely amazing.

“My dear brothers,” she began, “I have returned, as promised, with my final decisions for the colors we’ll be working with.”

Asmo looked down, over her shoulder at the pallet, but not before glancing at her cleavage and giving a sneaky little grin. “Oh my, Leeee-na! I adore these colors!”

“Thanks! I couldn’t have made my decision without Lord Diavolo or Barbatos. They both have great taste…” Lena gushed. Lilly and Asmo looked at each other and giggled at their friend’s response.

Azriel, in a comedic dash, ran to his sister and took the DDD from her. His eyes widened as he studied her choices carefully. “Lena….who picked these?”

“Uh, oh that would be Barbatos. He’s quite talented isn’t he?” Lena nodded. She could tell her brother was impressed. He had that glint in his eye that was a combination of joy and admiration only an artist could have. “They told me he choses all of the designs for the Academy and the castle…”

“I will have to pick his brain when opportunity knocks...he does show a refine taste for style and harmonization of colors. And he was a genius with the values he suggested for the accents.”

Zak looked at their sister and chuckled, “Barbatos better watch out. Someone may have a Stan on their case..” Lena laughed and nodded. It was very seldom that their big brother complimented someone else’s tastes. Azriel could sometimes be even more of a snob than Lucifer.

“All the teasing aside, I’d definitely like to thank them for their assistance. And with the colors selected, do we officially have a game plan ready for this remodel now?” The female nephilim asked.

Azriel nodded, “Yes! Let’s get to work, people! We’ve got a job to do!”

Zak and Azriel were going to stay in the attic to work on the necessary repairs needed before any painting could be done. Asmo and Lilly volunteered to take Lena shopping for the paints. This was for the best so Azriel wouldn’t go into another shopping frenzy.

****************

When the trio returned home, everyone had already ate dinner and were going about their own business as usual. Asmo had texted Satan ahead to let him know that he and the girls were going to grab a bite from Hell’s Kitchen while they were out so he wouldn’t have to fend off Beel on their account.

They delivered the buckets of paint and needed supplies for Lena’s brothers to get started. “Don’t stay up working on this too late please. Get your beauty rest big brother… and you too Zak.” The masculine brother chuckled and joked about it some before resuming the work being done on the ceiling.

“And thank you both for taking me to the store and out for dinner.” Lena pulled Lilly and Asmo in a little hug before letting them go. Asmo held onto her a bit longer, being his clingy, flirty self.

“And what do I get for helping you today, hmmm?” he practically whispered it into her hear, purposely grazing his soft lips against the shell of her ear. He discovered that was one of the little nephilim’s weaknesses.

Lips suddenly pressed against his cheek, causing an instant rosiness. “How about that kiss?” she chuckled. Lilly just watched the two flirt and shook her head with a smile.

“Careful, he will be relentless with you now.” The human headed to Mammon’s room to hang with her bro, or to pester him at the very least.

“Maybe I want a little more than just a kiss Leee-na…” Asmo continued, pulling her into a full hug. Her right arm hugged his waist, but her other held a bag in it. “I did manual labor for you today…”

Lena smirked back, enjoying all the flirtation they shared. It was nice to be sought after, especially after an intense breakup she went through recently. “Well, I suppose I could give you a bit...more…” she teased him and used a bit of her nephilim strength to push the Avatar of Lust against the wall by his bedroom door. She stood on her tiptoes and gave him a direct kiss on the mouth, teasing him with the slightest moan, and sucking his bottom lip as she slowly pulled away. “And that’s all you get...for now my lovely.”

As she pulled away, Asmo let out a whimper. Not because he was weak to her, but because he was holding back his desires and his demonic urges. He really wanted to know what it was to fully experience a nephilim. “You’re so mean Leeee-na….” he pouted.

“I get that a lot.” she chuckled in response, “I do need to make a delivery before I get ready to crash for the night. I know my brothers won’t be letting me sleep in tomorrow.”

*****************

After a plethora of flirtations and teasing, Asmo finally retreated to his room. Lena smiled, biting her bottom lip as she walked away from the intense temptations he urged her with.

No, the nephilim had other plans that evening. In the bag she held onto was a gift for her guide and fellow nerd. She walked to Leviathan’s door and knocked. Of course there was an immedite request for a passphrase. “Leviiii..it’s me, Lena. you know I have no idea about Devildom Anime or manga yet. That’s why I’m here..”

There was a long pause before Leviathan opened his door. He hesitated before peeking around to make sure Lena was alone. He then slipped back into his room. Since the door didn’t shut in her face, she assumed she had permission to enter.

“So, you’ve returned from your filler quest for 6 buckets of paint, 10 paint brushes, and bonus loot?” The Avatar of Envy asked. It made Lena smile widely, understanding the typical MMORPG quest type he referred.

“That I have. And I’ve returned with my selected rare items of choice.” Lena held up and wiggled a bag before Leviathan. “I, alas, am not the required class for this prize. However, I did know a party member that is.”

Lena handed him the bag. Leviathan was at first reluctant to take it; his eyes peeked through his bangs at her for a moment before looking inside at these ‘rare items’. He acknowledged her reference. She was no mere normie after all. And when he realize what she was giving him, his face lit up like the Beacons of Gondor!

“OOOOMMMMDDDDD!!!! LENA!” he shouted, quickly removing the gatcha figurines from the bag. “Are you seriously giving these to me?! No way! This must be a sick joke…” he was almost in tears.

They were the other two ultra rare gacha figurines that would now complete the rare collector’s set he had been trying to get for the last two months. Lena remembered how excited he was when she got one of them by pure luck the other night and wanted to try for him while she was out tonight.

Apparently she did good. Lilly and Asmo had picked their seat and placed the orders for the table while she try-hard-moded at the gacha machine until she got the prizes she wanted. She’d accumulated a small audience of young demon children, giving them the prizes she didn’t want. It was quite the scene.

“So, did I get the right ones?” she asked hesitantly. She’d not oblige him with the details of how much grimm she spent getting those for him. She just wanted to thank him for being a great tour guide and opening up to her a bit more at a time.

Leviathan nodded, holding them, and trying not to cry. “ARIGATO!” he yelled and began to carefully remove each figure from their boxes. He already had the others on display with two empty figure stands awaiting these last two models.

He stood back in admiration. “There’s nothing like completing a full set..” he said aloud. He was unaware that Lena stood close to him on his left. He was in complete otaku bliss.

���Right...the full set. I’m so happy I could help.” she replied, causing Levi to let out a small yelp and go completely red from head to toe. “Hey, come back!”

He’d took a large step away from her and she moved in his direction. “Why are you avoiding me now? Do I smell like paint that bad?” Lena sniffed at her shoulder.

“N-n-n-o! You smell like rose and peonies and human sunshine…” Levi blurted. It made Lena blink and then smile, covering her mouth. “I-I just have major personal space issues, ok. I don’t get close to anyone, especially 3D females..i'll stick with my 2D waifus...I-”

He stopped talking, getting more embarrassed at admitting that to the female nephilim slowly approaching him. He felt like he would be betraying ruri-chan if getting any closer to Lena that what he already was.

“Do you not like...3D females?” Lena asked, taking a step towards him. It was a legitimate question to her. She’d leave him alone if he answered that he didn’t. But there was no response.

The statement Lucifer made earlier came to mind, “...my silence over the matter is not a response in itself…” Lena’s brows raised and she got it.

“It’s not that you don’t like 3D females...it’s that you’ve never gotten to be near them, right?”

“I-I guess so. I mean, why would anyone want to get close to a shut-in otaku nerd like me?” He responded, squinting his eyes shut.

Lena, however, furrowed his eyebrows, “Oh I dunno. Could it be because that shut-in otaku is really attractive, smart, hilarious when commentating on his brother’s antics, and really passionate and enthusiastic about what he likes?” she did not like it when people talked bad about themselves. She was the type of person to say ‘no, you are amazing af and here’s why!’

Hearing those compliments, Leviathan was shocked. Daring to open his eyes, the demon was face to face with the nephilim. Or as face-to-face as one could be with such a height difference. His body remained red and he couldn’t take his eyes away from hers.

“Leviathan, you have made me feel more at ease than anyone else in the Devildom. And it’s been wonderful getting to share my nerdy side with someone without judgement. Even when it’s playful, it can take its toll. I know that all too well.” Her hand reached for his. He flinched, but allowed her to take it.

“But I am a no good, dirty otaku that blows all of money on-”

“No! I don’t want to hear it Mr. And look who you’re talking to! I have a room back home, larger than your foyer with my collection of stuff. And did you see how much my brother and I spent on clothes. Pl-lease! You’re not the only nerd or over-spender. And tonight, I spent all my grimm on that gacha game without batting an eyelash. I-”

Oops. she spilled the beans on that one. She felt him return a solid grip on her hand. “You spent all of your grimm on the gacha...and gave it to me?”

Lena found herself looking away for a moment, “I mean, yeah. You’ve tried for 2 months to get that collection, and I had a natural talent for it...so I thought what the hell! Let’s complete that set.” She chuckled for a moment, looking at the bewildered demon. Who knew they could make such an expression. Or have such self-doubt.

Finding herself staring at Leviathan, Lena’s eyes left his own and focused in on his lips. He bit on his bottom lip nervously. “You seemed to gloss over my compliment of how attractive you are as well…” At that he shrinked more.

“N-no I’m not. Look at my hair…” he argued.

“You’re hair color is literally my favorite color...you’ll see soon.” The comment puzzled him just enough to lift his guard in time for Lena to kiss him on the lips.

“Wwwmmmgh!” Levi wanted to do his typical scream, but found himself in almost a daze as the nephilim stole his breath. She. just. KISSED. Him. Leviathan.

There were a couple of small kisses that followed, all leaving Leviathan speechless. Lena let go of his hand, observing his response. She wasn’t sure if a demon could go catatonic or not, but Leviathan was proving it to be possible.

“L-Levi….?” she whispered gently.

“Mmmmh-hmmm….” he squeaked.

“Are you okay?”

“Mmmmh-hmmm….” he squeaked again.

“Did you...like it?” Lena asked, finding herself feeling a little less confident in the moment. She’d never had this sort of reaction before. Did demons like kissing? Asmo was the Avatar of Lust, so maybe he was an exception?

Finally there was another “Mmmmh-hmmm” response. Leviathan did like the series of small kisses. He REALLY liked them. He was just so shocked that a beautiful, 3D female actually did that.

This response made Lena smile with relief and excitement. Not thinking, she hugged him, placing her head in his chest. “Oh, I’m so glad. I thought you were appalled by that. I-”

She paused, hearing the sound of a freight train within the demon’s chest. That proved A. Demons in fact had hearts and B. They could beat insanely fast under the right circumstances. And those circumstances at the moment included kissing, hugging, pretty much any direct physical contact. Oh yeah, and her large chest pressing against him. Leviathan was probably about to die any moment now.

“Le-Lena…” he whispered awkwardly, “L-let go..please…”

“Uhm, sure. Sorry…” She pulled away. She didn’t realize she had him pressed against his closet door with no room to move.

Leviathan took a deep breath and went to sit in his computer chair. She watched him silently stare into nothingness for a moment and eventually went to take a seat on the side of his bathtub bed.

Before she made it over there, the demon reached and grabbed her wrist, stopping her in her tracks. It was a firm grip at first but he instantly loosened it up. He was all sorts of nervous and she found it completely endearing.

“That was...amazing.’ He finally said, “I’ve never…...that was amazing…” He was trying to communicate his feelings despite all of his embarrassment.

“It was...your lips are incredibly soft…” Lena chuckled.

He peeked up at her, almost irritated like it was an insult instead of a compliment.

She sensed that and quickly continued, “It makes me want to do it again...and again…” She bit her own, looking down at him. She knew that he was clearly super sensitive, which she could work with. He was so cute and she met every compliment she gave him before.

“Do you want to kiss me….more? For real?” Leviathan hesitantly asked. He knew he wanted to kiss her. A lot. It was just so hard to imagine she would do such a thing with him. Maybe it was a spur of the moment and she wasn’t thinking when she did it. Was it an attempt to make him feel better. Surely she couldn’t have any feelings for him.

“Absolutely, Levi-kun…” she replied in a sweet, yet seductive tone. She realized during this silence he was overthinking things.She stepped closer, then sat down on the demon’s lap.

Instantly he squirmed, never imagining something like this would happen to him in a millenia. A beautiful 3D, real creature sat in his...LAP!

“I want to kiss you a lot...and maybe do...this and that…” She whispered into his ear, similarly to how Asmo did to her before. She knew he’d get that typical manga line.

“Th-th-th-th-this a-a-and THAT!!!?” he shouted.

Lena chuckled and placed a finger over his lip to quiet him down. “We can start with kissing for now Levi. I just want to make sure you’re consenting and really want to...I’m not pressuring you at all…”

“P-pressure? No pressure!” Levi responded, staring at her. He was distracted about, well, everything: The feeling of a person in his lap. He really had to keep calm about that. The feeling of her chest against his again. “I...just..this is..”

“...New?” she finished for him. He nodded rapidly. “Well then, if that’s the case, I’ll just help you get used to it.” Lena leaned against him and planted a kiss on his cheek and then on the mouth. The demon almost threw her onto the floor, surprised by the sudden kiss again. It was hard for her to keep from giggling at his reactions. She enjoyed them a little too much.

The two of them continued to practice getting used to the kissing and touching the rest of the night. She wasn’t sure if he was a complete virgin or just out of touch since they age so slowly. She would never dream of asking him directly and decided to take it slow on him.

[jaxistramatized]

so i have no idea what happened last night but i believe i am still manic. i’m going to be honest.

when i drink caffeine:   ( just so we are clear i drink coffee on day one and it last a very long time like 3+ days and usually lead to being hospitalized)

 i can’t sleep more than 3 hours a night but then it leads to no sleep at all i get very paranoid and get delusions because of the lack of sleep. i feel like my body is vibrating, shit ton of energy that i use to clean everything, i don’t have an apatite, very talkative, euphoria, my head is spinning so fast, can’t really comprehend math or complicated things, buying things that i think i need, VERY high confidence( i am the fucking shit), easily agitated and  might start arguments, easily distracted, high sex drive, can’t sit still, mind racing, swearing like crazy, dressing in a more fashionable wear, i do tend to se things at the corner of my eye and see something for 2 seconds, also i’m paranoid about the mice in my house.

avoiding caffeine:

staying up late 4-5 hours sometimes able to get 7 but it’s choppy, confident, some euphoria depending on the day, lots of energy, easily distracted, high sex drive, can’t sit still, don’t wanna stop talking, mind racing, a bit agitated on certain things, swearing more than usual, thinking i am the shit, dressing a bit more out of my comfort zone, buying things i think i need, i do tend to se things at the corner of my eye and see something for 2 seconds, also i’m paranoid about the mice in my house. ( you could say its hypo BUT once you have a diagnoses of bipolar 1.

 your mania time can go from 3 day of mania to 4 days of depression to 6 days of mania to 2 days of depression. or it could just happen once a year.

 everyone presents mania differently. you don’t have to have a one night stand and do dangerous sexual thing, or buy 300$ hoodie, or jump off a bridge and think your invisible. yes mania is supper dangerous especially when you lose sleep. for instance i think people are out to get me or paranormal things so why would i have a one night stand?

The to diagnoses bipolar disorder 1:

A. A distinct period of abnormally and persistently elevated, expansive, or irritable mood, lasting at least 1 week (or any duration if hospitalization is necessary 

B.  During the period of mood disturbance, three (or more) of the following symptoms have persisted (four if the mood is only irritable) and have been present to a significant degree: 

1. Inflated self-esteem or grandiosity 

2. Decreased need for sleep (e.g., feels rested after only 3 hours of sleep)

3. More talkative than usual or pressure to keep talking 

4. Flight of ideas or subjective experience that thoughts are racing 

5. Distractibility (i.e., attention too easily drawn to unimportant or irrelevant external stimuli)

6. Increase in goal-directed activity (either socially, at work or school, or sexually) or psychomotor agitation 

7. Excessive involvement in pleasurable activities that have a high potential for painful consequences (e.g., engaging in unrestrained buying sprees, sexual indiscretions, or foolish business investments) 7. Excessive involvement in activities that have a high potential for painful consequences (e.g., engaging in unrestrained buying sprees, sexual indiscretions, or foolish business investments). 8. The symptoms do not meet criteria for a mixed episode. 

9. he mood disturbance is sufficiently severe to cause marked impairment in occupational functioning or in usual social activities or relationships with others, or to necessitate hospitalization to prevent harm to self or others, or there are psychotic features. 

10. The symptoms are not due to the direct physiological effects of a substance (e.g., a drug of abuse, a medication, or other treatment) or a general medical condition (e.g., hyperthyroidism). Note: Manic-like episodes that are clearly caused by somatic antidepressant treatment (e.g., medication, electroconvulsive therapy, light therapy) should not count toward a diagnosis of bipolar I disorder.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK519712/table/ch3.t7/

A mixed episode is usually both at the same time for instance its like i wanna dye my hair and i’m feeling euphoric but i wanna hurt myself and be dead.

CHECK DNI BEFORE INTERACTING

[angeltrapz]

oosdkk dude im sorry ur mood dropped too.. i hope u feel better soon <3 but like i wld love 2 hear more abt ur thoughts on Art in general bc Boy Is He Interesting, and also a lil more abt Daniel coming out as nonbinary to his dad (whether he knows Eric is trans or not at that moment skjdfhdskf)! + if ur feelin it just more abt Mallick in general ESP cuz we agree that Brit doesn't make it thru V

djhfjdks thank u sm <3

okay Art first. I genuinely wonder abt him so much, something in specific I think abt is that aside frm Amanda (+ Eric, obviously, but talkin abt disciples) Art is one of the only trap victims EVER 2 be tested twice and it’s like... what’s that abt? Why? as u’ve said b4 it rly depends on how you personally view his character: whether he’s a disciple or not. fr me, both options are equally plausible, n honestly I don’t rly confine myself to either; it sorta depends on what I’m feeling/writing. if we’re talking abt art being a disciple, then the Spinecutter not going off (one of my BIGGEST questions) makes total sense, as Hoffman’s side of the trap was never set up to work either, + Jigsaw disciples have a history (aside from Lawrence) of appearing as victims in other tests/traps. if he were not just another pawn and was in fact a disciple himself, then the Spinecutter was never meant to go off - it was there just to make Eric think it COULD go off/make it look convincing to outsiders. which brings me to ANOTHER question: what does Art know abt Eric? does he know anything? what does he think of Eric?

(lil side note: if Art is a disciple, then I kinda wonder if it’s a lil bit of a Hoffman + Lawrence situation where Hoffman didn’t know abt Art either? just bc he looks so shocked when he sees Art’s face fully fr the first time... that could’ve just been acting on Hoffman’s part but IDK. food fr thought)

personally, I feel like Art probably does know a lil bit abt Eric - at the very least, he’d know tht Eric had been previously tested + failed by John’s rules, but then I feel that he wld also know Eric didn’t rly have a chance in his second test. that is why Art trying so fucking hard to keep Eric alive is interesting 2 me: what is his motivation 2 do that? like he’s been told Eric’s basically just there to get Rigg to participate, he doesn’t have any personal obligation or anything like that. sure, the aim is to keep Eric alive + see if Rigg can pass his “test,” but nobody said anything about grabbing a man you barely know around his ankles to keep him frm hanging himself w a noose made of chains. nobody said anything abt speaking to him so softly, not even raising your voice beyond saying “hey,” and asking him do you understand? when you tell him to keep still and prevent him frm killing his counterpart (which, if Art is a disciple, he knows it won’t, but he still speaks to Eric so softly, so compassionately, doesn’t he?)

nobody said anything abt grabbing him around the waist and steadying him again after being punched by said man. but Art does that. he stabilizes Eric’s feet on the ice as best he can and he keeps his hips straight and he basically says “look, we’re all stuck here, you need to keep it together ‘til that clock counts down if you want us to live, but I’m giving you a choice,” and he presses the gun w the single bullet into Eric’s hands and tells him it’s up to him. nobody said Art had to care but he does, I think, and it’s just like. he really didn’t have to keep Eric alive over the course of Rigg’s test. he didn’t. but he did and I just,, where does it come from? why does he care? this is even going beyond the fact that we’ve talked abt them being together after their test in a scenario where they both survive - I just think that Art at his core is a very stubborn but very compassionate person, whether he wants 2 be or not. like he HAS to know that kind of involvement cld prove to be extremely detrimental but he cares. I feel like that says a lot abt him (even if he does call Eric an asshole a couple times while doing it,,).

plus I also just. I think his reason for being tested (as it seems to be in most cases) is extremely flimsy. he was doing his job. he’s a LAWYER. often times it has nothing 2 do w personal feelings; they’re there to do their job and sometimes, unfortunately, that is defending possibly reprehensible people (in cases like Rex’s & Ivan’s). + John was already upset w him regarding their argument abt the urban renewal group so like it just feels So Very Petty, y’know?? even in the scenario where he IS a disciple, testing him twice seems entirely like John having a personal vendetta against him. Amanda is the only other person to be tested twice aside from Eric, so like. what. is that abt Mr. Kramer.

like I’ve said b4 in dms one could argue that Art is grey morally, bc we never rly see anything of him outside of flashbacks + acting as a test controller in IV, esp given that he... rly doesn’t seem too bothered abt it all? which is fair. but I also feel like the concern he shows towards Eric is smth to be considered as well.

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+ YESS NONBINARY DANIEL I know I’ve mentioned it b4 but for reference, I read Daniel as masc nonbinary (he/they)! so I feel like Daniel wld b pretty comfortable w his identity, he’s never rly had a reason not to be (it’s rly anyone’s guess here tho bc we never see Eric + Daniel + Kate... as a family unit, for obvious reasons), so I feel like he’s vry chill abt it? and in the scenario where Eric survives n is dating Adam, I feel like Daniel wld talk 2 him abt it first (Adam is an adult they quickly come to trust + he’s vocal abt being trans himself so there’s that added layer of understanding - other than his mom maybe Adam might b the first person they come out 2). they’re just kinda like “so I wanna tell my dad I’m nonbinary but like I’ve literally never thought abt coming out what do I do” and Adam’s just like. Aha. bc he knows Eric is Also Trans so like, he doesn’t tell Daniel that bc it’s not his info to share, but he’s definitely like “oh it’ll totally be fine. trust me you have no reason to worry” so Daniel’s just like Okay. I Got This

+ I know I mentioned this in dms but Daniel wld absolutely wear those floral ripped hem skirts over jeans, so I feel like on one of his visits to his dad’s, he just. wears that combined w a completely random niche graphic tee he bought when shopping w Adam (I adore this hc n I am Holding Onto It) n is just like. not super open abt it bc he doesn’t know what to expect? he just kinda waits fr Eric to comment on it but when he doesn’t, Daniel gets nervous n is like “do I look okay?” and Eric’s rly chill abt it, like “yeah! it looks vry cool, vry alternative.” n like Daniel is relieved, of course, but also he’s just like God Pls Say Something so he just comes out w it like “okay this is not working. I’m nonbinary.”

and he’s COMPLETELY SHOCKED when Eric is just like “oh why didn’t u say so? do u have a different name u wanna go by? is Daniel still okay?” bc he wasn’t sure how much Eric knew, so he’s just like “uh no Daniel is still good, he/they pronouns though” and Eric’s just like alright cool but internally Daniel’s just like ??????

n THAT is when Eric asks him 2 come sit out on th front steps w him n is just like. “I don’t think I ever told u this but I’m trans. I transitioned during training in my early 20s” n Daniel is nodding while internally he’s like Adam I’m gonna throttle u. he worked himself up fr NOTHING. he just kinda laughs abt it and Eric is like “are u good?” ‘cause he’s a lil worried but then Daniel just smiles and is like “yeah I’m fine! just realizing I had nothing 2 be worried abt” and it’s a rly good moment fr them. they sit out there together talking abt their experiences for quite a while n at some point Adam steps outside 2 find them deep in conversation + he just smiles n goes back inside bc he cares abt them both so much and seeing them talk like that makes him so 💞💞 (Eric is SO PROUD u can see it on his face)

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ohhh gosh Mallick,,, I spend a lot of time thinking abt him actually. he’s just one of those characters I feel vry connected to (me 🤝 Mallick: Ambiguous Disorder 💕) n one I got surprisingly attached to? hello (he IS one of my f/os)

I feel like Mallick is a very lonely person at his core. the way he sort of clings to Brit (w out the whole like. adrenaline of being in very very real danger w ppl trying to kill u SEVERAL TIMES) somewhat confirms this fr me. this is someone who has no reason to look out fr him, no reason to keep protecting him when their fellow captives hit him over th head w a club or attempt to push him into a bathtub to ELECTROCUTE him, but she keeps doing it and he’s just. in awe of it a little bit? ‘cause she could just let Charles knock him tf out or let Luba push him in but she fights for him, some1 she has no obligation to n met fr the first time literally when they woke up.

the moment they share b4 they stick their arms into the saws to activate the 10 Pints of Sacrifice is so very vulnerable and maybe even a little tender. yes he calls her a monster, yes she calls him one back, neither of them deny it. it’s an admission and an acceptance. they’re monsters, sure, fine, okay. but they are monsters and they are in this together. Brit tells Mallick it’s okay when he says he can’t do this alone. she says okay, okay, it’s okay, we’ll go together. and they help each other secure their tourniquets and they stick their hands in together bc it’s the two of them, literally hand in hand, fighting for their lives n for each other n they’re in so so much pain but they are doing it TOGETHER. I lose it thinking abt it!!! they even have a head bonk moment!!! I very much feel like it has some cinematic parallels to Adam & Lawrence’s moment in SAW 2004!!!!

+ as u mentioned, we both share the thought that Brit likely died since she wasn’t present at Bobby’s meetings, and. I want to touch on how fucking despondent and lost Mallick looks when we see him again in 3D. lights on but no one’s home. I feel like for Mallick, losing Brit was losing the first chance at a real connection he’s had in god knows how long - and for him, that’s just very shattering. he’s been thru hell, he’s watched three people die right in front of him, he sawed his ARM IN HALF, n the person he went through all of that with didn’t make it. but he did. and I feel like for Mallick that’s just like... he doesn’t understand it. but he feels even lonelier than he ever has b4 because the One Person who was there w him thru it all, the one person who could ever possibly understand what happened that night, is gone.

the Mallick we see in V would NEVER sit down n willingly listen to Bobby Dagen’s bullshit abt loving yr scars n taking pride in the fact u survived. he wld hate that man with a passion n I am very much sure of this. the fact that he’s sitting in that chair looking numb and glassy-eyed and silent? Mallick is trying to find some1 to connect to, find a place where maybe he belongs. trying to fill that hole that losing Brit made. why else wld he be sitting there, listening to someone he would ordinarily tell to shove his self-love bullshit up his ass? he’s lost. he’s just trying to keep his head above water and find a way to shore even though everything in him is fighting not to. he’s adrift without her.

+ ALTERNATIVELY, bc the reality of that is just. crushing n maybe not where I needed 2 go, in the scenario where Brit survived + just doesn’t want to put up w Bobby’s bullshit, I imagine them to actually move in together after a lil bit of time getting 2 know each other better w out the pressure of “oh god we’re gonna die.” she kinda helps him build up a sense of self-worth bc GOD it’s practically non-existent n thinking abt possible reasons why makes me sad. she’s definitely just like “no, you do deserve to be cared for and you deserve help when you need it, you deserve good things n to be happy.” she just kinds shuts it down while still making sure to talk 2 him abt WHY he feels that way (she’s not dismissing, but she’s trying to nip it in th bud) n Mallick is just like. huh. bc no one’s really done that fr him before. but it rly does end up helping in the long run, even if it is a very slow pace toward actually getting 2 a place where he recognizes his own worth + realizes he deserves all the things he wants Brit 2 have too. they’re there for each other thru thick n thin and if they made it thru their game, they can make it thru anything.