#yes I did much more when I did nothing fucking else for 4-5 months

[i-can-even-burn-salad]

Chapter 10 done \o/

[xqueen-of-disasterx]

Art deco

Artist!Natasha x Fem!reader

TW: smut, legal age gap, fluff, praise kink, degradation (slight), Top!Nat, Bottom!reader, Nat speaking russian, petnames

!Disclaimer English is not my first language so please excuse any grammar or spelling errors!

Word count: 1.6k

Masterlist

I was now living with Natasha Romanoff for nearly a year, and she was still a mystery to me. She was what you would call a real artist. She lived for her art, sometimes I felt like there was nothing more important to her than her art. Luckilyfor me she called me her art. I was her girl, the women she gifted her heart to, her masterpiece, her muse.

The first time we met was because she was searching for a female act model. Her payment was beyond decent, and I was a poor college student who had just hit her twenties. So, I signed up. To be honest I did not expect the artist for who I would be modelling to be so beautiful. Even beautiful wasn't a match for Natasha’s beauty. The first thing I noticed after she had first opened me the door to her big apartment was, how her green eyes were the perfect contrast to her fiery red hair.

She would draw me, touching my skin whenever she was rearranging my pose, I tried to hide my blush whenever she was touching me. But she noticed it, of course she did, she kissed me, and I didn't push her away like I thought would. No, I pulled her closer. I let her devourer me, touch me and fuck me. I should've felt bad, I shouldn't have told her to do the things to me, that she did.

The morning after I still didn't regret it. How could I regret her, when I loved the things, she would whisper to me in that night. When Natasha asked me to take me out a dinner, I said yes. 4 months later she asked me to be her girlfriend and 6 months later I moved in with her and for 5 months she was working on her so-called masterpiece. Something so great that it would overshadow even her most famous works and I wasn't allowed to see it.

I knock at her door "Natasha, you've been in there for twenty hours now. You need to eat something" I pause and sign "I miss you". After a few minutes she opens the door looking at me confused " TWENTY HOURS... lord I totally forgot the time" She strokes her short red hair. She hugs me pulling me closer to her kissing my forehead. "I'm nearly finished, моя любовь. I just need to add my finishing touch." Natasha grabs my cheeks gently stroking it, while making eye contact with me. "I need my muse in it."

I giggle at her words "First of all you need to eat something" I kiss her cheek softly "I made you Pelmeni and Morozhenoe for dessert" I can see her smiling at me while I grab her hand and take her to the kitchen "You're the best girlfriend I could ever imagine, but I would like something else for dessert you know" She smirks at me. "I love you too."

The dinner was more or less quiet from Natasha’s side she let me go on and on listening to me rant about my professors, exams I had do, or how exhausting it was to work at the local dinner. She would listen to me giving me advise sometimes she would even joke.

"Y/N" Natasha let out a sign "You don't need to work that much, I'm rich I can pay off your student loans. I would love to" She was right, somehow Natasha was always right. Maybe it was her age that made her so wise, or she just was an old soul. "I know, Natty, but I just want to have a small bit of independence."

"I just" she takes my hand in hers gently kissing it "I don't like to see you so sad моя любовь, but enough of that" She stands up taking my hand "I want to show you what I'm currently working on" smile at her walking after her following her into her gallery.

She opened the door me making me step into the large room. It had big windows with a high ceiling making the room appear warmer. Finished and half-finished paintings fill not only the Walls but also the ground. Natasha didn't seem like a messy person, but the room contradicted that statement.

"So, where is this, masterpiece" I ask she comes up right behind me kissing my neck "Right to your feet зайчик" I look down seeing the large canvases laying on the ground without the frame "Natasha, why is frame missing?" She laughs pulling the hem of my blouse out my pants before unbuttoning it "I bet you can figure that out with your pretty head дорогой."  She groans against my neck before turning me around for her lips to meet mine. 

She kisses me passionately and I kiss back with the same passion if not more. Our lips mat like puzzle pieces into each other, like they are meant to be together. Natasha keeps kissing me, pulling me impossibly closer to her. Licking over my lips, asking for permission to enter my mouth, which I didn’t let her have. She groans against my lips.

Her hand travels down my body unzipping my pants before tugging on it pulling off. Before she harshly grabs my ass, squeezing the soft flesh making me moan against her lips. Natasha using this opportunity to slip her tongue into my mouth. We don’t fight for long dominance, I let her have it because I know it would be a losing game.

She trails her kisses down my neck, sucking and biting on it forcing strangled moans from my mouth. “Natasha, please~ touch me” I can practically feel how she smirks against my skin “I am touching you зайчик“. If she keeps calling me nicknames in Russian and I’m going to melt on the spot. I whimper desperately making her smirk only grow wider. Her hands reach to my unhooking my bra pulling it off.

“Lay down for me, моя любовь“ She whispers in my ear biting down on my earlobe making me moan “On~ on the canvas?” I’m breathing heavily at the feeling of her hands kneeling my soft skin “Where else? Like I said, зайчик, I need the finishing touch of my muse”. After her words she keeps kissing my lips helping me lay down on the canvas. The paint under me is cold and in some places still wet.

 Her kisses trail my body down, stopping at my breaths. Taking one of my nipples in her mouth, sucking on it. “Fuck Natty” I moan out throwing. My other boob isn’t neglected, Natashas hand kneels it roughly. She kept sucking on my nipple before biting down making me release a pornographic moan. She keeps kissing and sucking on my skin leaving dark marks behind as if she would want to claim me. Show everyone that I was hers.

Slowly she lowers her kisses to my hips, kissing and nibbling on my skin. It feels like I can’t take her teasing anymore I want more and I want it now. “Natty, come on don’t tease me any longer” I whined out hoping I would make have mercy with me. But she just smiles against my skin “You truly are a slut, so desperate for more, while not thanking me for what I give you. I thought you were my good girl.”

 I can feel how my face reddens at her comment. “I am so sorry, Natty. Please, please fuck me. I’m going to be good so good for you!” She smirks against my skin, lifting my hips slightly to pull down my panties kissing and sucking dark marks onto my thighs. I try to keep my whimpers quiet but fail miserably. Natasha kisses my clit, flicking her tongue over the nob.

I let out desperate moans, grabbing her red hair pulling her closer to my heat. She groans at the slight pain she was feeling on her scalp. “Shit, Tasha, you’re so good” I moan out as she gives me the best pleasure I could imagine. As she moans at my words I feel it vibrating through my body. She pumps one finger inside of me curling and penetrating my hole. “More” I whimper not being able to form sentences in my state of pure pleasure.

She adds a second finger curling it against my g- spot, I scream out in pleasure repeating her name like a prayer. “Fuck Natasha I’m so close, so close” She smiles and fucks me harder. “Cum for me, зайчик“ I cum right after her words with a loud moan of her name. She climbs up my body again whispering sweat nothings in my high built down. My breathing gets calmer as Natasha pulls her fingers out.

“You are so good, so good for me Y/N” She taps her fingers against my legs signalling me to close my legs around her waist. She stands back up holding me in her arms. Natasha looks back down at the painting, that was now smudged in the bottom half from my body. She smiles at me and kisses my head.

“It’s perfect, зайчик“ She smiles at me “Now lets get you cleaned up”

"I love you"

"I love you too"

[echobx]

Twin Flame 6 - pervy!bsf!JJ Maybank × pervy!bsf!fem!reader

summary: y/n pushes JJ away because she thinks she doesn't deserve him

word count: 1.9k

warnings: angst, broken hearts (idk what else to tag, sorry)

author's note: couldn't not do the third act break up bc it just fits too well with them. sorry, not sorry.

series masterlist ♡ part 1 ♡ part 2 ♡ part 3 ♡ part 4 ♡ part 5

   It's a simple trick when you run your fingertips over the inside of JJ’s arm, slowly trailing down and intertwining your fingers with his. Nothing special for how close you are- That would be the case if it wasn't you who had initiated it. It would be true if it hadn't happened in front of your friends. And when you turn your head and gaze up at him, he's already looking at you. 

   JJ hadn't expected it. Yes, you had gotten more and more open towards these very small things that you had despised just a few months earlier, but you still weren't ready to talk about it. So, it came as a surprise to him when you had done it. Holding hands in front of your friends. That was a whole new playing field that he had never explored before. 

   “Do you want to go get a drink with me?” you asked sweetly, and he nodded, incapable of saying anything that wouldn't reveal himself. You held onto his hand until the both of you reached the keg, letting go for just enough time so he could fill up two cups and then holding onto him again. 

   “This is new,” Pope pointed out as you sat back down, and you tilted your head to the side, letting go off JJ as casually as you thought possible.

   “What is?”

   “You never hold hands. You didn't even hold hands with what's-his-name, and he was your boyfriend,” Pope seemed confused by it, and so did the rest as soon as he had pointed it out. 

   “I just didn't want to get lost in the crowd,” you shrugged, and they let it go, a good enough explanation for something so “simple and meaningless.” 

   Later that night, you found yourself sitting in a circle, playing stupid party games with Tourons. When one of the girls, the one who had so conveniently found her place next to JJ, suggested a game of Suck and Blow, you could only roll your eyes. It was a stupid game that children played, unkissed pre-teens. It wasn't really something you considered appropriate for a group of people who would leave for college soon. But the game started against all your better judgment. 

   The card fell down a few times before it made its way to the girl, and you decided to not look at it, you didn't want to have the picture of her lips pressed against his to be carved in your mind. 

   “What the fuck!” JJ exclaimed and jumped up. 

   “It's a game,” the girl tried to laugh it off, but JJ was furious, looking at you for a second before going back to berating her. 

   “You cheated. I'm not gonna kiss you. Why would I wanna do that with someone who has this little regard for rules.” He shook his head, pulled you up and walked away. 

   The whole scene had confused you, severely so, and not just because it all happened so fast. Firstly, there was the fact that JJ had actually cared enough to not just go with it. He wasn't ready to hurt you, just like he had promised, even for a stupid game that really shouldn't matter. Secondly, because he had used words that he usually didn't. Words you used more than they were necessary, and he would typically make fun of you for speaking too much like the characters in the books you read. But most of all, you were confused by his reasoning. JJ wasn't one to care about rules at all. If he had a single ounce of care for any kind of rule in his body, the both of you would've never gotten in this situation. 

   “I can't do this,” JJ shook his head, putting his hands up and tugging at his roots while avoiding looking at you as the two of you stood beside the Twinkie. 

   “I don't understand,” you said shyly, scared that he would break up with you. If that is even possible, when you were never actually dating. 

   “I can't explain it. It's like, it hurts more each day. And now you wanna hold my hand whenever, and I still don't know if it's real or not,” he cried out, tears brimming in his eyes.

   “I'm sorry,” you apologized quietly, letting yourself slide down the side of the bus until you were sitting in the dirt. 

   “Why can't we just tell them? Why do we need to keep this under lock and key? Huh? Give me one good reason, please,” JJ crouched down in front of you, and you looked away, dipping your head. 

   “What if they don't get it?” 

   “What if they do?” JJ countered while getting back up, and you couldn't argue it too much. 

   “Did you see how weird Pope was earlier? That's why. They won't get it. They’ll groan and cry about ‘what if you break up and destroy the Crew’ because that's what will happen,” you looked up at him as he paced around.

   “So we stop?” he asked, gulping as if it was the hardest decision of his life. “Because I can't do it. I just can't. Not unless you let me prove to you and the world that I don't want anyone but you.” 

   “I'm scared,” you whispered. 

   “That wasn't the question, y/n. I need you to tell me if we can do this together, or not,” he pressured and you shook your head. 

   “You want me to love you, and I don't think I'm capable of that. I don't think I was made to love someone like you deserve it.” Your voice was trembling, your whole body was, and he wasn’t coming closer to help. No, he took a step back bringing more and more distance between the two of you until he had vanished between the trees, leaving you, and suddenly you felt like you were drowning. 

   The silence between the two of you was deafening from that night on. JJ refused to meet your gaze, and you couldn't stop the pain rushing through your body every time you looked at him. And yet you couldn't look away either. You wished his smiles were directed at you, you wished they were genuine and not just his way of hiding from the world. But you didn't know how to apologize for all the pain you had caused him.

   “Okay, seriously, can you stop staring into your glass and talk?” Kiara groaned as the four of you sat in her room. It was supposed to be a girl's night, but all you did was wonder if you couldn't train yourself to love him more. Maybe there was a book that would help. A secret spell that would make you whole. 

   “What?” you asked, and she rolled her eyes. 

   “What happened? You're completely out of it,” Sarah held her hand out for you, and you took it, holding onto her as if she tied you to reality. 

   “It's complicated and a long story. I'm sure it would bore us all,” you nodded and Cleo exhaled a laugh. 

   “I'm sure it won't bore us.” 

   “I will ruin the night,” you whispered, and Kiara groaned loudly. 

   “Seriously, you already were, with the moping and shit. No offense.” 

   It took every ounce of bravery in you to tell them about it, but you knew you had to if you wanted to fix things between JJ and you. 

   “I slept with JJ,” you said, and they gasped, even Cleo pretended for you. 

   “And now he's acting like an ass? I'm gonna kill him,” Kie wanted to jump up, but you held her back. 

   “No, that's not why,” you shook your head and she lifted her brows. “We were doing that for some time, a few months.” 

   “How did we not notice that?” Sarah looked at Kie, but she was still only staring at you like you were crazy. 

   “Are you telling me that every fucking time he mentioned some disgusting shit, that was you?” You nodded at her correct assumption, and Kie shook herself with disgust. “I’m gonna throw up,” she retched. 

   “Why did you never say anything?” Sarah asked softly and you shrugged your shoulders.

   “Because he wants me to love him and I can't. I tried and I can't. And he wants to do all these things couples do. Hold hands and kiss in front of the world and all that bullshit,” you mumbled, your chest growing tighter at the thought of it. Flashes of memories came crashing down on you; his hand on your waist while grocery shopping, his lips so close to your ear while whispering a joke that was only meant for you, his eyes basically undressing you in front of all your friends. 

   “That's why you asked about how it feels?” Sarah asked, and you looked at Cleo, she was staying uncommonly quiet. 

   “What did he say?” she asked, and you looked down, ashamed of what you had done. 

   “That it doesn't matter. That it can work if I let him. But I can't do that. He deserves better than me.”

   “You pushed him away?” 

   “He’s asking for too much,” you argued with her, but you knew they wouldn't get it. 

   “What did he ask for exactly?” Sarah spoke up, and you started picking at your nails. 

   “To be allowed to kiss me in front of you guys, to hold my hand whenever we feel like it, to call me his girlfriend, to be more than what we ever were.” 

   “And how long did you do all of this before he asked for that?” Kie wondered and you sighed. 

   “I don't know, three months?” 

   ��I don't see how that's unreasonable,” Sarah shook her head. 

   “Of course you don't, because you are normal. All of you. You just don't get it,” you wanted to get up and leave, but they didn't let you. 

   “Explain it, please. We want to understand and help you,” Kie urged while holding your hand. 

   You sat there for about an hour, trying your best to explain and get them to understand why you didn't understand what they described as love and how it affected your relationship with your best friend. 

   “So you never got those dizzy feelings? Ever?” Sarah asked, and you had to think about it for a few seconds before replying. 

   “One or two times, but not more.” 

   “And when he left you behind? How did you feel then?” 

   “Like someone was stealing my air. Like I would die soon,” you shrugged, and she looked over your head at Kie and Cleo. 

   “Y/n, I know you don't think so, but everything you told us, sounds to us like you do love him. Maybe even more than he will ever understand, especially because you don't understand it. And I'm not saying it's easy, or that you have to get it. But this is just what we think, and if you really want to make up for it, and fix this, you should go tell him all of this,” Sarah spoke softly, as if she was scared that you would snap at her, and when you simply nodded she sighed and leaned back in her seat. 

   “But he hates me, so it's not gonna work anyway,” you said, and Kiara slapped her hand against her forehead. 

   “Jesus fucking Christ, y/n! You broke his stupid heart, of course he didn't want to look at you or talk to you. Now go and fix it,” she yelled at you while getting up and dragging you with her. “Out! And if you come back here before it's fixed, I'm gonna shave your head.” 

   “That's mean,” you pouted. 

   “That's life, sweetheart.”

read part 7 here

please don't copy and/or post my work onto other platforms! ~e©ho

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[thatsmzbitchtoyou]

Yes Mama Chapter 4

Summary:  Bucky Barnes has made quite the name for himself in the underground mob boss world.  But he’s not the boss.  Just the face of the Family.  

Warnings:  violence, subtle mention of drugs, murder, language, possessiveness, smut, mild choking, public sex

Kids: oldest (from Steve) Frankie 12, second (from Tony) Antonia 10, third (from T’Challa) Uuka 8, fourth (from Bucky) Beau 6, fifth (from Bucky) Lottie 5, sixth (from Bucky) Valentina 3

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The Family had to be more careful for a while after the fallout from John’s treachery.  They were always under some kind of watchful eye or surveillance from the FBI, but now it was even worse since they’d gotten a small taste of nabbing her and the organization.  She went on with life like nothing ever happened after that night.  Her inner circle was even tighter than it was before, like they were trying to prove to her that they were in it for the long haul.  They fed fake operations to the FBI until they finally reduced their presence after a while, not being able to successfully verify what was real and what was going to send them on a wild goose chase.  

Y/N still had Bucky be the forefront of the Family, handling most of the business unless it was something bigger and more influential that needed her attention.  She focused most of her time on the kids, getting Bucky more involved with them since they had repaired their relationship more over the past few months.  

She had him purchase two burlesque clubs in town, making another stream of revenue for them while they let things simmer down.  He spearheaded the acquisition, the revamp, and the hiring and firing for the first year before they would pass on the management to somebody else they could trust so Bucky could do other things.

Bucky noticed as he hired new dancers that he got lingering looks from some of them, but never thought much of it.  He had Y/N.  He was happy.  As pretty as these girls were, it didn’t matter.  But one wasn’t willing to admit defeat just yet.  

He sat in the owner’s box, supervising another night lazily as some other members of the inner circle enjoyed a night out at the club.  Y/N was going to join them later, after the kids went to bed and she could get changed and ready.  They were served drinks and whooping and hollering for one of the dancers when he felt a tap on his shoulder.  He looked up to see the dancer that wouldn’t leave him alone, Raven, who went by Mystique, smirking at him.  Before he could say anything she plopped herself into his lap.

“Hey boss,” she sing-songed, batting her eyelashes at him.

Bucky shifted in his seat on the long couch, trying to push her off without touching her anywhere inappropriately, which was proving difficult with the outfit she had on.  “Raven, what?  Get off,” he said, trying to stand up.

She ignored him and wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling him closer to her face.  “Ah, come on, Buck, have some fun.”

Bucky’s hands balled into fists.  “Seriously, get off,” he grumbled, giving her a hard look.

Natasha, one of Y/N’s inner circle that sat across from him, saw what was happening and quickly got up and walked over to him.  “Hey, bitch, get up unless you wanna die,” she said, grabbing Raven’s arm and trying to pull her off.

“Fuck off,” Raven said, wrenching her arm away.  “You’re seriously gonna threaten me for sitting on some guy’s lap?”

“I won’t kill you, but his wife will,” Natasha said, gesturing her thumb over to the side.  

Raven and Bucky looked over to see Y/N sauntering over.  She was dressed to the nines, making Bucky’s eyes pop, but her face look murderous as she stared at Raven.  She stood in front of them and glared at her.  “Get.  Up.”  

Raven had the good sense to immediately stand, her eyes wide at Y/N’s presence and tone.  “Oh, uh, I’m sorry.  I didn’t realize he was married.”

“You did, you just didn’t care because you’re a homewrecker,” Y/N said without missing a beat.  “You’re fired.  Get out.”

“Excuse me?  You’re not the boss–”

“I own this!” Y/N said loudly, stepping forward and gesturing to the club around them.  “I own everyone here, including your sorry ass.  I pay you, bitch.  But now, you’re done.  Get the fuck out of my club, you pathetic, nasty, grimey cunt.”

Raven started crying then ran away from the owner’s box and down the stairs to the back rooms.  Y/N exhaled sharply then turned to everyone else in the box.  “Get out,” she said, and they all immediately stood and walked quickly down the stairs to give them privacy.

Bucky reached a hand out to Y/N.  “Mama, I’m sorry, she just sat on me and I tried–”

Y/N slapped his hand away and slipped her coat off, flinging it onto a chair nearby.  She hiked up her dress and sank down onto Bucky’s lap, straddling him.  He realized she wasn’t wearing any underwear as she slotted her hips on top of his and he groaned as he glimpsed her pussy sitting over his groin.  

“Having fun, babydoll?” Y/N asked, her hands sliding up his chest.

Bucky wasn’t sure where this was going.  “I am now,” he said with a small smirk.

Her nails scratched up his neck, making him hiss.  “Who do you belong to?” she asked, her voice firm and a disappointed frown on her face.

Bucky’s eyes widened.  “You,” he said quickly.  “Only you.”

“Then why was some dancer on your lap?” Y/N asked, her hands tugging harshly at his hair on the back of his head, pulling a gasp from him.  He was turned on and scared at the same time.

“It wasn’t my fault!” he shook his head, grimacing at her rough treatment.  “Please, Mama, she just sat on me, I didn’t want that…I don’t want her!”

“Who do you want?” Y/N asked as she ground down on his lap.

Bucky’s eyes rolled as her hips moved just right on his cock.  He was itching to pull it out and feel her on him.  “You, Mama,” he murmured, his hands holding her hips down on him.  “Just you.  Only you.”

Y/N gripped his face, forcing him to look at her as she leaned in close.  Her frown was still present, but the look in her eyes was hungry and demanding.  “Prove it,” she grumbled.

Bucky’s eyelids fluttered and he nodded.  He surged forward and kissed her hard, his hands moving down to her ass and kneading it roughly.  Y/N kissed him hard back, teeth clacking and biting lips, their tongues fighting for dominance.  She was angry.  They had been having a lot of angry sex lately, with how annoyed and stressed she was over having to tiptoe around the FBI.  He loved every second of it, but this was different.  This was anger, jealousy, and possessiveness.  Y/N wasn’t used to having to assert her ownership over people and things, and she was going to take out that frustration on him.

After she ground down on his lap enough to make him nearly cum in his pants he flipped her over onto the couch cushions next to him.  The loud music vibrated around them, easily masking the clank of his belt as he pushed down his pants and underwear and their panted breaths and moans as he pushed into her.  Her frown slightly dissipated as her eyes rolled and her head lolled to the side as he roughly kissed, licked and sucked along her neck and her jaw, pounding into her like his life depended on it. 

“How could I want anyone else, when this perfect, pretty pussy fucks me so good every…single…time?” Bucky asked, thrusting hard into her with each final word.  Y/N whined as he licked his way to her mouth, nipping at her lips.

“Get up,” she said suddenly, pushing at his shoulders.  Bucky looked at her incredulously but quickly sat up.  Y/N pulled herself up and made him lay back on the couch, sitting on top of him and getting him back inside her in one fast, hard thrust.  She kept up the fast pace, making him start to hyperventilate as he watched her pussy swallow him whole, hitting her deep inside.

“Holy fuck, Y/N, Mama, wait…I’m gonna cum!” Bucky said, panicking at the thought of cumming before her.  It just felt so good, too good.  She was too fast, too all-encompassing.

Y/N kept going until she could see him shake then suddenly pulled off of him, sitting up on her knees.  Bucky’s cock slipped out of her and slapped against his stomach, and he gasped, a surprised high-pitched whimper coming from him as his mouth dropped open.  “Who do you belong to?” she asked again, her hand reaching down between her legs and rubbing at her clit above him.

“You!  You, Mama!” he cried out, trying to reach for her.  She slapped his hands away again.

“Keep your hands above your head,” she instructed, then grabbed his cock and sat back down on it again.  Bucky raised his hands above his head, moaning loudly as she enveloped him, going at the fast pace again, her hips rolling and bobbing up and down on him.  “Whose cock is this?” she asked, leaning down and licking at his neck.

“Yours!  It’s yours, always been yours,” Bucky mumbled.  “Mama, please slow down–”

She sat up quickly and slapped him, not hard but enough to make him look at her in disbelief.  “Who is in charge here?” she growled, gripping his jaw harshly.

“You,” he whispered, tears starting to build in his eyes at how desperate he was to make her happy and how badly he needed to cum.  “I’m sorry.  Please, I just…I need to cum.  It hurts, Mama.”

Y/N kissed his cheek sweetly where she slapped him, then sucked at his neck harder, where he would surely have marks by the time they left the club.  The pain mixing with the pleasure was making him delirious.  Her hand slid up to his neck and as she sat up she squeezed.  It wasn’t enough to stop him breathing, but it was enough for him to grunt at the pressure.  “Who’s my babydoll?” she demanded.

“Me!” Bucky nearly shouted.  He didn’t care if anyone could hear him at this point.  They would do the same if they were being played with like this.  “I am!  Your babydoll.  Jesus fucking Christ…”

Y/N started swirling her hips in a circle, releasing her hold on his neck and then reaching up to his hands, bringing the metal hand to her mouth and his flesh hand to her clit.  “Make me cum, babydoll.  Then you can cum inside me.  Dribbling out of me for everyone to see.  Let everybody know who owns you.”

Bucky nodded as his flesh fingers rubbed and flicked at her clit.  Y/N opened her mouth and took his first two metal fingers in her mouth, sucking them like she would his cock.  He whimpered again as he watched her.  “Yes, Mama.  Fucking hell, that’s so hot.  Yours… yours yours yours yours,” he chanted, his hips starting to buck up into her as best as he could.

Y/N started to shake, then she came hard, a large gush of cum splattering around his cock as she moaned around his fingers.  Bucky saw white as her pussy clenched, triggering his orgasm, and a long, loud, gravelly moan that vibrated in his chest fell from his lips.  He was gone to the world, a buzzing in his head as his body felt like it was floating.

He woke up to the feeling of someone tapping his face.  “Bucky?  Bucky, wake up.  I’m sorry, babydoll…”  His eyes fluttered open and he grimaced at the immense noise surrounding him, the bumping from the music making the couch vibrate under him.  He was being kissed all over his face and neck, and his head turned to find Y/N looking down at him.  “Oh god, Jesus, Buck you scared me,” she sighed, her hands holding his face and her thumbs sweeping across his cheeks.  “I’m sorry, babydoll, I didn’t mean to overwhelm you–”

“Don’t ever apologize for making me cum so hard I fainted, Y/N,” Bucky mumbled, huffing a laugh.  “That was…holy shit.”

Y/N laughed, and seeing her bright, wide smile made him smile goofily back at her.  As the feeling started to come back to his body his hips involuntarily rutted up and he could feel that he was still inside her.  “Oof, babydoll, slow down,” Y/N gasped.  “Let’s not get too excited after all that.”  She sat up and looked down at where they were joined.  “God, what a mess.”

She slowly pulled herself up and he slipped out of her, a small spurt of their combined cum leaking from her and onto him.  “Fuck that’s hot,” Bucky groaned.

Y/N laughed again as she pulled her dress down and looked around, grabbing some napkins on the table in front of the couch and wiping him up.  He slowly pulled himself up to a sitting position, and she helped tuck his cock back into his pants and zip them up, straightening out his shirt.  “Just stay still until you feel like you can walk, okay?” she instructed him.  “Here,” she grabbed one of the water cups left on the table and held it up to his lips.  Bucky drank it all down and then grabbed her hand, pulling her close and kissing her.

“Thank you, Mama,” he said, lazily kissing her repeatedly.  “But uh…I think it’s time for bed,” he said, his eyes having a hard time staying open and focused.

“It is,” Y/N giggled.  “Can you stand?”

Bucky nodded and she stood up first, holding her hands out for him to hold on to and helping him stand up.  He leaned on her as she looped one of his arms around her shoulders.  She led him down the stairs to the main area, where a small group of her inner circle members gave them knowing smiles and playful winks.  Y/N told them to get the car and they quickly did as she asked, helping her bring Bucky outside and load him in.  Bucky was clingy as she sat next to him in the car, leaning his head on her shoulder and gripping her hand tightly in his.  “I love you, Mama,” he murmured quietly.

Y/N laughed silently as her free hand reached up and she ran her fingers through his hair.  “I love you, Bucky.”  He whined unhappily.  “Oh, I’m sorry,” she snorted.  “I love you, babydoll.”

“That’s right,” he said resolutely, repositioning himself so his head was laying in her lap.  

She continued playing with his hair.  “Mine,” she said, a firmness in her voice.

“Always yours,” he said, falling asleep.  “Yes Mama…”

[delta-altair]

Angry rant ahead. I've been holding back on this one but I woke up at 3am this morning to prep for a virtual astronomy conference in a European time zone next week so whoops it's what I actually feel in words instead of in vague reblogs.

Just as I have never forgiven the people who caused 2016 to happen, I will *never* forgive the Beltway media, podcast bros, pollsters who think they're the goddamn oracles at Delphi, and fauxgressive fucking idiots for this.

First of all, if I here one sniveling whining "But Kamala is a cawwwwwp-" -- if you do not posses the common sense to understand that a chaotic, open convention where the disunity of the Democratic party is on full national display would be a stake through the heart of the campaign -- WHOEVER is chosen -- then sorry but you aren't smart enough to comment on this!!! Sorry if that's fucking mean but it's true. For once the left (and I mean from the center to the wall, the whole thing yes) collectively needs to shut the fuck up, get in line, and focus on one goddamn thing for the next three and a half months.

Second, I had a much longer post with plots and everything I was going to make about the last Canadian election, but I'll make it short now. This is about *polls*, aka the "reason" why this happened (it's not, it was the media forcing the issue by refusing to show the public anything else about Biden and his accomplishment, but anyway...). Feel free to skip (but there's a cat at the bottom for anyone who actually reads my rantings), the tl;dr is that you should not trust any poll more than a week out from the election because the average person is a fucking moron.

So polling just before the previous election was called (Canadian elections are different, they can happen before the 4 year mark if the PM decides) all showed a healthy Liberal (center-left) lead. Probably majority if it holds. "If an election was held today, who would you vote for?", that was the question. But then the Liberals call the election and SURPRISE, guess what happens? They tumble in the polls so drastically they fall below the Conservatives (right) in overall vote share almost immediately. They held onto a minority in parliament because of how our systems works (we have 5 seat holding parties), but still, they took a huge hit. Why? Did some scandal happen the week after the election was called? Did the Conservatives promise everyone a free puppy if they won? No.

No, nothing happened. The reason why the Liberals fell in the polls was that people were mad that they called an early election. Despite the fact that the polls that some of the same people definitely took asked the question "If an election were held today, who would you vote for?" I guess the average person didn't have enough brain cells to rub together to understand that if an election is happening then the Liberals would have necessarily called an election. I know this sounds circular and stupid but that is literally it!! A bunch of people said "Yeah I'd vote for the Liberals if an election was happening today. Oh the Liberals (the only people who CAN) called an election, I don't like that, so I'm not going to vote Liberal."

So miss me with literally any poll that is not a week out from the actual election event. They are all nonsense. It turns out that you cannot predict human stupidity to a statistically significant degree.

We are *also* in a regime where the only thing that really matters now is turnout, and turnout is much harder to poll than voter preference, so that's another kick against polling.

I don't really have a coherent ending for this. I'm not in total doom mode because a lot of things can still turn out ok, technically. But I still remember the feeling I felt when a huge portion of American said "actually, saying you can assault women and grab them by their pussies any time you want is actually not disqualifying for being president, but we're going to make up a bunch of bullshit to explain why we're not voting for Hillary" and I still do not trust most of you because of this.

You have once chance to not totally fuck this up. Treat it seriously.

Here's my cat to brighten your day. Her name is Jupiter.

[ralphlanyon]

TC tag game

Tagged by @spudodell!

Rules: Answer the questions and tag other TC fans!

1. "He would not fucking say that" only they did and it's canon. When/who?

Not that they're necessarily out of character, but whenever Renault is clearly projecting her own internalized misogyny onto the characters (e.g. Laurie calling Nurse Adrian a "silly little dumbbell" at one point or the narrative voice commenting on Aunt Olive's lack of makeup), I am like

(Granted, her other contemporary novels that actually feature female protagonists are even worse about this… 🫠)

2. Did they kiss in the study? Yes/no + why you are 100% correct about this.

Yes, absolutely! I previously wrote this meta about why I think so here. But here are a few more reasons:

"Over and over, during those first months, Laurie had relived the scene in the study, guarding it with fierce secrecy as a savage guards a magic word." It would be quite odd for Laurie to constantly relive that last meeting with Ralph and guard it with "fierce secrecy," if Ralph had done nothing more than chastise him, give him an old book, and turn him out of his study. So something intimate must have happened there that Laurie still obsessively thinks about.

The infamous ellipsis after "Come here a moment" was deliberately added to the 1959 edition (one of the only additions Renault makes, rather than subtractions), which I think is probably to help clarify the significance of that pause.

Laurie's proprietary behavior towards Ralph at the party, especially him staking claim of Ralph in front of Bim (and frankly a lot of about Laurie's behavior towards Ralph in general), makes a lot more sense if they had a "moment" together in the past and both of them never got over it or each other. It would help explain why Laurie instinctively feels he does have a claim over Ralph (as the Odysseus to Ralph's Penelope, to use Bim's analogy), as well as why Ralph continues to carry a torch for him after seven years and countless other relationships.

3. Mandatory question about Ralph's alleged tattoos.

To be honest I don't think he has any tattoos yet (or at least any in areas that would be normally exposed to the public), or else Laurie would have commented on them like he comments on just about everything else about Ralph's appearance. I could see him getting some in the future though, maybe some nautical-themed ones and probably at least one related to Laurie because he's sentimental like that.

4. 53 vs 59 edition: quote a line or paragraph that is better in the edition you like the least.

I generally prefer reading the '53 edition mainly for the extra bits, but there are several stylistic writing choices I do prefer in the '59 edition. One of them is Ralph telling Laurie, "I didn't think you had that much bitchery in you." He says "cattiness" in the '53 edition, but Laurie is very bitchy (and Ralph likes that about him!).

5. Which TC character would feel right at home here on tumblr dot com?

Bim or Sandy! They would be bringing the tea. ☕️

6. Tag yourself at Alec's birthday party.

Probably part of the couple holding hands in dead silence, lol.

7. Post a TC meme.

I have a lot of memes in my TC tag, but here's one I made a while ago:

8. Easy to talk about who deserved better. Who deserved worse?

Dave because he bores me (the worst thing a literary character can do). Also Ralph's parents and Jeepers.

9. You can break the fourth wall (at any point in the novel) and say a single sentence to our protagonist, Laurie Odell. What do you say?

"You are intensely afraid of abandonment which is why you keep trying to leave people before they can leave you. (Please go to therapy.)"

10. What's a question you have about TC? One you haven't found an answer for yet.

What do Laurie and Ralph do for their post-war careers? There have been several excellent ideas in post-canon fics, but I haven’t quite settled on my own headcanon for them.

Tagging: not sure who hasn’t been tagged yet, but feel free to nab if you see this!

[purplesurveys]

1897

1~ What quality do you value most highly in others? Considering the traditional and backwards culture my country is known to live by, I appreciate someone who's open-minded and thinks in a more modern, less discriminating way.

2~ Are you more aggressive or mellow? It depends...this is a very broad question. I can be aggressive when it comes to people or things I deeply care about, and mostly mellow-ly nonchalant towards everything else.

3~ Who has made the biggest sacrifice for you? My parents, easily.

4~ Do you take any vitamins or medication? I don't. Nothing regular.

5~ Do you want to grow old with someone? It would be nice to grow old with my best friend, but I also don't, like, actively pressure her to do so. She has her own future and family to think about, and I don't mind being one of the supporting characters in her arc. It would just be nice to have the rest of our lives together.

6~ Do you treat others better or worse than yourself and why? It used to be 100% better than myself, but I'm slowly starting to prioritize myself now too. That being said, I've started to enforce boundaries and to learn how to say no when I want to.

7~ What sound is annoying you right now? Eh, nothing. It's fairly silent at the moment.

8~ Where was your last vacation to? We had back to back trips to Bulacan, Vietnam, and Tagaytay the last month. My family also booked a last-minute weekend someplace south but I didn't go with as I went to Hans and Angela's engagement party that same time.

9~ Where was your last car ride to? My uncle's new place! He finally moved into the home he's been building and finishing up the last few years and it's beautiful.

10~ Where did you last walk to? Just upstairs, here to my bedroom.

11~ What gives you a peaceful feeling? Rainy weather.

12~ Are you a light sleeper? No, I'm usually nearly impossible to wake up which is why I always need 4-5 consecutive alarms set.

13~ When you sleep next to someone who usually falls asleep first? I get veeeerrryyyy conscious sleeping around other people, so it's usually them.

14~ How many people have a piece of your heart? Like less than 10.

15~ What do your salt and pepper shakers look like? They're not shakers; they're just tupperwares with their own scoops.

16~ When was the last time you hurt yourself? Intentionally? Years ago. Maybe 6 or 7 years ago. Unintentionally – happens a lot, so yesterday would be my best guess.

17~ Would you rather live in the city, suburbs or the country? City. I grew up in the suburbs my entire life and don't know the sound of a bustling city at all. I'd love to be surrounded by it now that I'm at pretty much the peak of my 20s.

18~ Have you ever built something? I'm sure I have.

19~ Are you more of a maker and giver, or a taker and user? Taker and user. I like going by other people's lead.

20~ Do you take naps? Rarely. Only when I'm extremely, extremely beat – like yesterday.

21~ Do you buy holiday gifts early or at the last minute? I always do it last-minute and get stressed every time lol, I never learn.

22~ Do you laugh when there is no joke and dance when there is no music? Dance, yes. But I don't think I've ever laughed out of nowhere. I always at least remember some kind of memory.

23~ If someone else were to describe you what would you hope they would say? That I have been mentally strong. Or thoughtful – that would honestly be nice to hear, too.

24~ What is the dirtiest habit you can think of? Like, of anyone? I saw someone on Reddit say they enjoy cleaning out their shower drain and that the more hair they get out of it, the better. Something I never expected to read that day tbh lol

25~ Do you ever need ‘quiet time’? Absolutely, and I need it more and more these days since there's now so much more demanded of me at my job, with everyone having eyes on my every move. By the end of every fucking week I'm just out and do not want to deal with anything and anyone.

26~ Do you think it is harder for a parent to outlive their child or for the child to outlive their parent? The former definitely, just because that's not usually expected to happen. My aunt had her son (my uncle) pass at 40; there's not a week I don't think of her and how she's doing.

27~ What was your best find from a flea market, garage sale, ebay or thrift? I found a copy of the WWE Encyclopedia in pristine condition at a secondhand book store. Copped that shit i m m e d i a t e l y.

28~ What is one selfish thing you tend to do? Prioritize myself and my feelings.

29~ What kinds of people do you find intimidating? Mostly people who have had more experience than I've had in our industry. It's intimidation coming from a place of respect, though – I try not to be actively scared of them and instead take the opportunity to learn from them no matter what their mentorship style is (unless they are assholes lol, which I won't tolerate. But thankfully I've never had to encounter someone of the sort).

30~ Out of everyone you know who has the most unique personality? Ades probably? He's the kind of smart that almost makes him weird, but I've never found it off-putting. I like hearing his thoughts whenever I can.

31~ When do you do your best thinking? After-work hours, ie anytime after 6 PM; or on the weekends – which is the time I get to think without needing to worry about deadlines.

32~ What was a choice that you didn’t want to make but you had to? Choosing to move on from my ex four years ago; I genuinely thought there was still a chance we could get back together. I was desperate and delusional at the start, trying to still keep up conversations with her whenever I could and thinking that any reply from her was progress in the direction I wanted. Soon enough I realized that she wanted nothing to do with me anymore and seemed perfectly fine and free without me, and that made it much easier to move past.

33~ Have you ever written a letter to a soldier? No.

34~ What does your favorite coffee mug look like? It's just a plain black glass mug.

35~ What age do you think it is most difficult to be? From my own observation of others around me, 25 seems to be quite the hurdle. Everyone seems to be so pressured and is doing a bunch of stuff to overcome the quarter-life crisis...but personally I think I've handled it quite well and am proud of that.

36~ Do you think you could handle a day in jail? I think my anxiety would eat me alive for the better part of it, but it's a day. I think I'd be able to manage, even if barely.

37~ Who is the most overbearing person you know? L.

38~ Have you ever been on a trampoline? Sure.

39~ What do you use batteries for the most often? My Army lightstick, hah.

40~ Would you prefer to wrap your own presents or have them all gift wrapped? I'm terrible at wrapping presents so I either have my sister do it (if we still have time, because I do my gift shopping last minute like I said) or I just buy a bunch of paper bags to put my gifts in.

[alexanderwesker]

it has been 639 days near exactly since I first read A Twin of Light, and it's permanently shifted the way I interpret characters, relationships, and fic (as well as normal writing) as a whole. I re-read it every four months or so and it's never any less incredible.

ATOL jump-started my own fic-writing experiences, and haunts my brain; it's the quality baseline for anything I read, the source of my standards for things I write. I've drafted fic-of-fic for it more times than I can count, I've scribbled General and Soot designs on the walls of my room; when I'm bored driving or much anything really, I tend to invent new stories for them, new scenarios taking place in that wonderful world you've made.

ATOL is my favorite fanfiction. Full stop. I can count on one hand the number of fanfics that have changed my life, and make no mistake ATOL is on that list. (The House Always Wins is similarly incredible; your dedication to what you do, what you write, keeping it up no matter how long it takes to complete, is insane.)

In about three months will be the two-year anniversary of my reading ATOL, and if I had even a fraction of the wherewithal I wish I did, I'd be making some huge animation or art piece in celebration, but I don't know how I'd ever manage to capture all that ATOL means to me in something like that, let alone how I'd ever manage the motivation- but if I could, I would in a heartbeat.

The relationship between General and Soot-- I've only read a relationship in fic even somewhat like it *twice* in the near two years since first discovering ATOL, and still nothing comes close to the way their bond was woven into every fucking aspect of that book in a way I've never seen since.

Your meticulous world-building, too; the way you craft gods and goddesses and magic and turn Minecraft into something *real*, the unique systems and ideas and consequences and costs of everything the characters do- it's so fucking good. It's so so well thought out , I can't imagine how long it must have taken to flesh out.

ATOL has gotten me through some really hard times in my life; knowing I had a fantastically made escape, knowing I could slip into the universe you've so carefully wrought, has let me get up and keep going on days I felt I'd never get back up. And it's all because of you and your passion!

You do this for fun, and because you want to, and I think that's the most stunning thing of it all! Human passion, human joy, used to make something like ATOL, something that impacts perhaps thousands of others, imprints on them for the rest of their lives-- I can't imagine anything more beautiful.

Thank you.

Thank you so, so, so fucking much.

Whatever you do, whatever you write, you will always have my Internet - stranger self's undying support.

----

I've also got some questions pertaining to your realistic!verse & the ATOL characters, if you don't mind! :)

1. What exactly happened with Quackity and the Sky Gods? What game, what demands, etc?

2. How do others perceive Jack with his Nether-type power; did Wil ever treat him differently for it (while he was, y'know, without his General, before everything went down?)

3. Are the Sky Gods two entities, one, or more?

4. Are there stories told about Soot and General post-ATOL? How is their relationship seen in those tales?

5. What does Phil do about Wil's disappearance once in the real world once , more? (You do not need to answer this if it makes you uncomfy, as always :)

6. How did Soot and General feel during the Tommy -blessing misunderstanding discovery? How would the story have changed if their relationship had been more romantic?

7. Is fic-of-fic accepted for your universe? Any ground rules, yes/no's of what one could write?

----

Thanks for your time in answering, and thanks for everything you've written & given us all. ♥️

I don't know what to say, Anon. It really means a lot to me to hear that my story means so much to someone else other than me. And know that your words made me really happy to read, I've been going through a rough patch recently and your message means the world to me. To know that Soot and the General and their relationship helped you, that the world I made could be of help. Really from the bottom of my heart, Thank you for your words and I hope you have a wonderful day ^-^ --- To answer your questions(and don't worry I'm always up to answer questions ^D^) 1. Quackity challenged the Sky Gods, specifically Scott, though he is called Dawn in the Realistic!Verse, at a game of Poker. The game was played with as prize, if Quackity won to get the power to reach his goals(the Gods gave him his magic seeing eye because of that), and if the Sky Gods won for Quackity to be their plaything forever. There is to say though that even if Quackity won the Sky Gods did not fully keep to their promise. 2. The people in L'Manberg are the most normal about Jack's Situation, and those that don't know the whole story think that he is just some kind of Nether Hybrid) about Soot he didn't treat him that much different from how he did before, but he did keep him arms distance away because he wasn't sure if he could really trust him(like all others) 4. The Sky Gods are multiple, their names are based on the phases of the Sun in the Sky and the oldest of them is the Sun itself. And of course, the youngest of them, being Night. 5. That is a good question, I think Phil would try to help people come to terms with the fact that their streamer would not be appearing anymore, but if he can he would still try to reassure them that he is okay, but other than that sadly there wouldn't be much he can do. Since he would be hiding, as best as he can, the particular traits that that world left onto him. 6. They were kind of embarrassed about the whole situation once they discovered what Tommy had been thinking was going on between them but I can't see that changing anything on how they act towards one another. As for the second question, I don't believe the story, or the way it was told, would have changed that much had the Burs had something romantic going on, if only because their relationship is already so profound and close (even being platonic) that I cannot see it change in any particular way had their love been romantic, though they would have probably had even more gestures(not to say that they don't have many already in my canon) to show each other their love and care. 7. I am completely fine with people writing fanfics of my stories, and I'm always happy to see what you guys come up with and what ideas to explore. I just ask to have the original story linked(even better to get a related story link so I can directly connect them to my work :D) I don't have any hard 'No's when it comes to fics of my fics ^^ As for ground rules the only one I have is for the characterization of the characters to be based on my own than the DSMP one because then it wouldn't really be a fic about my stories :P Other than that feel free to write whatever scenario you imagine be it following my canon or being an AU, a "missing scene" kind of thing or a slice of life. I welcome all fanworks ^D^

Thank you again for your ask ^D^feel free to ask more questions if you have any more.

[alethiometry]

Rules: list eight shows for your followers to get to know you better.

Tagged by @aeide!

1. black sails. OBVIOUSLY. it's got everything. drama, intrigue, ocean gays, lying little wet rat twinks, anti-colonialist uprisings, caribbean history, grimy period-appropriate costumes, heartbreak, monologues, toby "saturday chillin don't fuckin @ me i'm chillin" schmitz calling himself daddy. everybody slays absolute cunt. it is THEEEE most perfect show ever created.

2. parks and recreation. rewatching p&r is an interesting experience because it was such a product of obama-era liberal america and the optimism just oozes out of every scene. also we don't like crisp ratt anymore. but it's also so genuinely funny and heartfelt and comforting! this show had a massive impact on my sense of humor, as well as i think framed failure in such a positive light: every character failed drastically at something over the course of the show, but through caring for each other were able to pick themselves back up and never let their shortcomings define them. i first watched it at a point in my life where i really needed that, so it has always stuck with me.

3. leverage. my comfort show to turn to when living in a post-capitalist hellscape that continues to reward billionaires for their moral bankruptcy while shitting on everybody else gets too depressing (so… like every day). is it campy and unrealistic? yes. do i care? no. sometimes you need escapism via direct action, heist hijinks, and extreme displays of bisexuality. also aldis hodge is one of the most beautiful human beings on planet earth.

4. supernatural. yeah yeah it's the hehe destiel meme show. but it was also tons of fun to watch every week, the worldbuilding started out fantastic (and then got progressively more and more insane), i think it's really the epitome of "really cool ideas with mostly lackluster execution". the bloody mary episode remains one of my favorite episodes of tv ever, and the fandom drama just keeps giving! i also met some of my dearest friends through the fandom, so maybe the real destiel love memes were the friends we made along the way.

5. twin peaks. the only show that made me so insane i went and got a tattoo of it. impeccable vibes, the experience of watching s3 and then memeing about it on reddit with everyone else who were all equally confused is an experience that will never be replicated.

6. love island uk. listen. fucking listen. i don't want this show to be listed here any more than any of you do, i'm sure. absolute bottom of the barrel brain rot that consumes my life and brings my workday to a grinding halt (thank you timezones) for the 2 months that each season is running. i absolutely have nothing good to say about love island uk other than it's sometimes really funny, usually unintentionally. but iain stirling's voice and those stupid neon pillows/beanbags and atrocious cursive font and catchphrases have wormed their way into my brain and nothing short of a complete lobotomy can remove it.

7. how to get away with murder. this wouldn't even be on here if saff and i didn't go on an insane binge of all six seasons last fall. but since we did… here we are. michaela pratt is an icon and has never done anything wrong ever in her life and i will die on this hill.

8. cunk on earth. this is probably recency bias speaking but oh my god i adore this show. it is exactly my brand of humor and i have so much respect for all the experts and miss diane morgan herself for making it through those interviews without breaking, because i would be fighting for my fucking life. this is the show that i will henceforth be recommending like a madwoman to all my friends.

honorable mentions: american vandal, derry girls, naruto, south park, dexter, elementary, orphan black.

i'm tagging: @winedark @seance @assassiyun @thatsouthernanthem @potsticker1234 @ciaramedba @doomcountry @thychesters <3

[wheat-angel]

Questions 1-5 from the Casual Ask Game for Wheatley if he doesn't mind (@dzvagabond)

(Thank you for the ask @dzvagabond ! You're also giving me the chance to answer this with the two different Wheatley's that I F/O. >:3c)

1. Well, go on, introduce yourself!

Oh bloody- THAT'S what I was forgetting to do yesterday! Sorry sorry, I'll get on with that now.

'Ello there! I'm Wheatley Merchant. Here's a picture of me Ry drew.

(Ignore the date that's wrong now whoops)

Uhhh I'm not sure what else to tell you other than what's on that reference, honestly, kinda already covers a lot, yeah? I mean, obviously I'm the one on the left right now. But that's a given. I suppose th@t'S mE-

...uH, 'eLl0?

'Ello?

Oh! Hi there. Sorry had to connect in to see the question- Oh I thought I forgot something! Well, let me do that now: My name is Wyatt Lee. Sector- Nope, not the MCA, Lee.

Uh, 'scuse me. Force of habit, MCA is where I work y'see. J-Just call me Lee. Anyways, I have a drawing of me and Rylan that she drew... Ah! Found it!

Uh, let's see, I'm 7'0- Yes I'm serious and yes the weather is good up here- and as you can see I'm an android. I'm pansexual and use He/Him pronouns. Uh, I think that's all the basics? Let's see, what's next?

(The rest of Lee's responses will be Purple for the sake of ease.)

2. So, how have you and (Rylan) been? What have you two been up to recently?

Been good! Not really much of note being honest. Except Halloween recently, but we just kinda cuddled and ate candy.

Great! The only thing I can think of is we went to a work party for Halloween with some co-workers/friends. Ry's been going out more and more so I can go to a few parties which I appreciate. I personally love em, but I promise I pay it back in full by equally spending time inside with her. And even if they don't wanna go that's OK too!

3. How did you and (Rylan) meet anyways? What was that first encounter like?

...Back in Aperture. Yeahhh that's uh. I don't think I really need to describe the first encounter besides we were in a bad situation and trying to get out of it. So uh. Skip.

It was when Rylan first started working for the MCA. They got scared shitless when they heard my voice for the first time. Nearly jumped a full foot off the ground... Then apologized when they saw me and said "Sorry, you just sounded like a friend I had." Uh, I kinda didn't get it then, but looking back, they were talking about their Wheatley from their world.

4. So, like, how is (Rylan) as a person?

Ohhh where to begin? She's just- They're so amazing y'know? I mean, they're the whole package of kind, generous, steadfast in her morals, loyal, funny... And she is... So beautiful to me. In like- A She AND gender-neutral way? Anyways, honestly, couldn't ask for more.

Well, I mean, what's not to love? She's smarter than she gives herself credit for, they'll be patient with me, well except for when I'm taking my time heheh. That's- That's a joke. Just teasing. Anywho- honestly I love them for the kindness they got, and the moral compass... Plus their laugh is EVERYTHING to me.

...Also, bonus points for being damn pretty. Like my god- They are a fucking knockout.

5. Any upcoming plans with (Rylan)? Like in the next coming week or even month maybe?

Christmas! And uh- otherwise that's kinda it. Nothing really planned.

Oh, just Christmas. And since we went to a Christmas work party last year, and we didn't go to the Halloween one that year... Yeah you can imagine where I'm heading with this one- doing vice versa this year. Though before holidays come to give us our off days, Ry is trying to figure out presents for our close group friends from work. I mean, I am too. One of them is really hard to shop for- *cough cough* Emmerson *cough* -but we'll get through it and then we're scot free to cuddle up during the holidays.

[blocksruinedme]

For the wip ask game: purpose?

(hi :3)

(1a & 1b) <man that fic sure is a lot of smut> (2) He revealed his immediate purpose by kissing Jimmy, soft but determined. (3a) Their backup base wasn’t much to speak of aesthetically, but it served its purpose. (3b) “I think he was coming for some other purpose, we may never know, and really did overhear us - you were pretty loud there, babe” (3c) <oh man that's a sweet line but it's sexy> (3d) Yeah man, you’re a great partner. You make me laugh, whether on purpose or not, and I know you’re very loyal to me, unlike some people around here. You’re smart and useful and I’m sorry I said anything weird at the beginning. (3e) During the day they touched a little, if they were at home. A hand on a shoulder, hands brushing on purpose, nothing too much, nothing more than some friends would. (3f) And it’s not on purpose, I don’t think, but if he’s, y’know– (4a) <nsfw but i asked, i love when i make sex funny> (4b) Did you leave it where i could see it on purpose, were you too shy to ask? (4c) and etho extremely causally asks joel if he'd like [redacted] and joel literally spits out a drink (which yes maybe etho timed it that way on purpose) because joel never imagined that could ever be on the table (5) <chat fic> Sausage: Actually that was me! After he thought we got pizza without him on purpose. I was just very efficient with my flattery and bribery (6) [notes]Jimmy’s sweet and sincere but kinda flighty, scott doesn’t think jimmy would ever hurt him on purpose but he might do it accidentally. (7a) People acted like Joel was an uncontrollable problem, but he wasn’t for Etho. He might be a bloodthirsty berserker, but he still wanted Etho’s opinion about the job, he was still reasonable for Etho’s purposes. Everyone else could learn to live with it – or not. (7b) He was a little manic and impossible to look away from – especially with a streak of someone’s blood on his cheek. Etho didn’t know if Joel was too worked up to notice it, or if he’d left it there on purpose. (7c)  He didn’t struggle or resist, he just looked up at Etho and licked his fucking lips. Etho tightened his grip, not really on purpose. Joel just brought things out in him. (8) <man that's so on the line of nsfw and i love it and larper joel and etho are so wildly irresponsible with each other> #1 probably won't finish, it's double life and a clever concept and the doc is 12k #2 is 7k of "what happens after this fic fades to black" that i'm unlikely to do #3 is 55k words of various things in that big memory multiverse series i am not going to finish but will probably publish bits of - like 3d & 3e #4 is 13k of larper smalletho's first time and it's SO GOOD and will be out in the next couple of months #5 - 12k, the main doc for the larper series, which... i might only ever publish side pieces. it was supposed to be all texts and whatever, but then i wanted to write out smut bits, and now that's the only thing i'm working on. but there's *12k*? mercy i wish i could write and edit faster #6 - 10k, the original fic in the burning man series, Jimmy's attempt to acquire 3 weed smoking boyfriends in one wednesday afternoon. (it works better than you might think.) #7 - 8k, "Blood and Other Lusts" which is very close to done, and which the very asker of this here ask has already done two art pieces for! It's SmallEtho DL red life stuff

I HAVE A LOT OF WIPS

[ohhcalamxty]

hello. its been a while? 5 years actually. what a place this is! what a trip down memory lane of many emotions.

a quick tldr: im 25 now, im engaged and live with my amazing partner and 2 cats. i am ed free (for the most part - i still struggle to love my body sometimes), clean, and i am in therapy! a place i never would have thought id be.

i didnt think id come back here like. ever. but ive been having nightmares of sam recently. its odd isnt it, how the brain works? i havent seen sam in 7 years? since the 2nd june 2018 to be exact, and yet he haunts me. why?

this is an odd correlation but recently i got into taylor swift. her music has been wonderfully cathartic and whilst i never assumed id be one of those girls who screams breakup songs and curses them at my exes....here we are.

TTPD (and most of taylors sad songs) unhealed me, so to speak, or at least awoke something in me. i wouldn't ever proclaim i have had bad relationships. i am always grateful for the time myself and owen spent together, and i am extremely happy with josh (I'd say 2/4 of my relationships being good is pretty huge) but here I am screaming and crying over break up songs at the eras tour and tearing up in the shower because they resonate with a point in my life and put my feelings into words in a way I've never been able to do.

elliot was interesting but i try not to curse his name so much as we were 14 and maybe he didn't mean what he did because he didn't understand consent, or maybe i am naive and too nice - i guess we'll never know because he quite literally dropped off the face of the earth! (Also, minor shoutout for him delaying dumping me because my grandma died! i do appreciate that at least!)

sam however....oh where do I begin with sam!

"Were you sent by someone who wanted me dead?"

I think I spent a lot of my teen years reflecting on sam, because well, he fucked me up so much. i mean how emotionally spent must I be to have nightmares of someone who I spent less than 12 months with at the age of 16, and then collided with again for a single night at the age of 19. Clearly we're fucked here.

I cannot find the words to describe you, and I'm unsure what i did to deserve a love like this. You had a girlfriend that you loved and were with for years, and then I (your close friend at the time) got dumped, and you make your move. We hang out a lot, cool, fine, nothing new as we were friends anyway. My mind is hazy on how it started or when we went from friends to whatever we were but it haunts me so much lmao.

The constant talks of i was the one, and that yes I will leave her for you. I fear nobody ever talks about being the other woman because its so odd - it isnt a flex, it isnt cool or sexy. it fucking sucks and it fucked me up but i liked sam so much i believed it. I mean picture this: you're 16, just lost your grandma, heavily depressed, self harming, riddled with an ed and have been dumped but low and behold your best friend tells you he loves you and plays with your hair and holds you. we go on dates and have sleepovers with friends (he still had a gf btw) hes fucked up too but he worries and cares about you more than anyone else, but at the cost of if you try to pull away he hurts himself, and threatens suicide (and believe me he'd do it) - stuck between a rock and a hard place aye.

"And the God's honest truth is that the pain was heaven And now that I'm grown, I'm scared of ghosts - Memories feel like weapons"

Less than a year of back and forth, misery and stringing along. I can't remember how or why it ended but I know it took a lot of attempts of pulling away (and him pulling me back) to get away. A lot of bits are hazy but I can assume it must have been around the time when I met owen? There are old screenshots on here of sam talking to me and they make me feel unwell (not an exaggeration) - his words (even after it all ended) and how he tried to act like he cared makes me feel like a pit inside (even now). I do however find it funny that my posts from 2015 and 2016 about him claiming hes ruined my life don't seem that dramatic now that im 25 and having nightmares about him.

"Oh, God rest my soul, I miss who I used to be The tomb won't close, stained glass windows in my mind - I regret you all the time"

I think I would have been ok if this was it. I don't think I would be grieving my past self, my girlhood, my naivety if this was all - i very much had support through my other relationships to help the sam trauma which i do appreciate. But it doesnt end here does it? Nah thats too easy.

"Cause it wasn't sexy once it wasn't forbidden"

2nd June 2018: Me and Josh had briefly split up. It was Karlies birthday and we went out in HTC (dire) and I guess because Hinckley is a tiny place and everyone goes to the same places we ran into a lot of people (some good some bad) - including Sam.

Ima be honest idk where he came from or who he was out with but there he was, buying me drinks, talking to me, I dont remember much but I can assume I was happy. I do however remember him leading me away, telling me we're heading to the next bar because that's where everyone else was going but we actually were heading in the complete opposite direction haha. god knows where we were going but on the walk we sat on a bench, i cried, i told him off, told him he ruined my life, he told me he'd missed me so much, he held me, i cried more, i hated him and then we just rinsed and repeated as he pootled me up castle street to wherever he was taking me. My friend rang me, I told them I was with sam, people came running (guess they all know hes bad news) and they (including josh, who was my ex at the time and ig technically hated me) beefed him until he left and that was that. I haven't seen him since - i still dont know where he was taking me or what his plan was. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I didnt answer the phone, sometimes I wish I hadn't and that maybe I deserved whatever would happen. Maybe I'm blowing it out of proportion, being dramatic, but the trauma of the emotions that 16 year old me feels is still there. It haunts me.

"Don't call me "kid", Don't call me "baby" Look at this godforsaken mess that you made me"

So here we are. I guess I'm bringing this up at therapy in a few weeks because these feelings won't disappear (and Honestly I'm not sure why they reappeared other than being repressed emotions). I wonder though, has this affected you as much as it as me? Do you feel bad about what you did? Are you suffering? Do you think about me? Do you feel bad that you had such control over me or did you enjoy it? Claiming you've lost sleep over me and that you want to protect and help me? Was any of it true I wonder.

"And did the twin flame bruise paint you blue? Just between us, did the love affair maim you too?"

I suppose I'll never know, but I can only hope that memories of me haunt you as much as they haunt me. I hope you get everything you deserve, and I hope I can heal. My skin is no longer the skin you touched, I no longer physically feel you, and I hope one day my memories of you will be hazy and faded, and I don't need to jump at ghosts anymore.

And my therapist wonders why I really dislike men huh.

[fated2loveu]

Be Nosy

1: The last person you kissed screams they love you, you say…

I…. You love me?

I love you.

2: Did you get to sleep in today?

No

Yes~

3: You never know what you got until you lose it?

That tracks.

Is there an actual question here?

4: Do you have siblings?

Yes Daichi

Yes Kiyo and Nobu.

5: How many kids do you want?

I have all the children I could love. I don’t think I’ll have more unless the gods allow.

None yet!

6: Who was the last person you held hands with?

Myu

Emi

7: Did you stand on your tippy-toes for your last kiss?

Haha no

Nope

8: Do you think if you died, the last person you kissed would care?

It’s seems to be the only thing they care about…

Most definitely

9: Last person to talk on the phone?

Um…. Me?

Again I don’t think this is a question….

10: Did anyone watch you the last time you kissed someone?

No

I’d hope not

11: When’s your birthday?

September 29th

October 3rd

12: Remember the first time you kissed the last person you kissed?

I do, like it was yesterday

Intoxicating

13: What kind of phone do you have?

iPhone

iPhone!

14: Are you wearing jeans, shorts, sweatpants, or pajama pants?

Sweats

None?

15: Are you a different person now than you were 5 years ago?

Most definitely

I don’t thinks so but I don’t feel I’ve changed all too much.

16: What were you doing at 4 am?

Sleeping

Um….working out~

17: Would you rather write a paper or give a speech?

Paper

Speech

18: Are you lying to yourself about something?

Everyday

No

19: Last night you felt…?

Alone

Invigorated

20: What’s something you cannot wait for?

Peace

Babies!

21: Ever told your parents you were going somewhere but when somewhere different?

No, never.

I didn’t know my parents but you need to learn how to ask actual questions….

22: How many hours of sleep did you get last night?

8?

4…. I was a little restless

23: Are you a morning or night person?

Morning

Morning definitely

24: What did you get your last bruise from?

Walking into the table

……lips…..

25: Do you reply to all of your texts?

Yes

Not always

26: Your phone is ringing. It’s the person you fell hardest for. What do you do?

Answer it

Answer

27: Did your last kiss take place in/on a bed?

No

Yes~

28: Anyone you would like to get things straight with?

Yes……. Greatly

Nope I’m good

29: How many months until your birthday?

8

9

30: Favorite thing to eat with peanut butter?

Banana

Hmm~

31: Did you like this past summer?

It was nice

Sure

32: What were you doing before you got on the computer?

Gardening

Painting

33: Your ex is sitting next to you, with their new partner. What do you do?

Nothing

Uh, be happy for them

34: What is the last thing you said out loud?

I love you guys

I love you

35: Your mood summed into one work?

Grilled Cheese

Work? You mean word…. Good my mood is good

36: Are you doing anything else besides taking this survey?

Nope

Just getting annoyed at your terrible “questions”

37: What are your initials?

KM

DM

38: Are you a happy person?

Not always

Yes!

39: Do you still talk to the person you liked 4 months ago?

Yes

Yes

40: Where do you want to live when your older?

By the sea

In the mountains

41: Have you had your birthday this year?

No

Bro find more questions you’ve asked about my birthday 3 times….. but no

42: What did you do yesterday?

Garden

Spoiled a girl

43: What will you be doing tomorrow?

Gardening

Not sure yet

44: How late did you stay up last night?

10?

2

45: Is there anyone you would do anything for?

My children and their father

My family

46: Is it hard to make you laugh?

Sometimes

No

47: Do you believe ex’s can be just friends?

Yes

Why couldn’t they?

48: Do you think any of your exes will eventually want to be with you again?

Rationally no…. But I could see it…

Well I don’t have an ex and I don’t plan to

49: How many people have you had feelings for in the year of 2012?

There may have been someone but I don’t remember

The fuck? That was over a decade ago. None

50: Do you wish your ex was dead?

No

Don’t have an ex

51: Have you ever dyed your hair?

Yes blonde

Oh yeah many colors~

52: Would ever take back someone that cheated?

Yes. After we’ve talked of course but not blindly.

I agree with Kiyo

53: Was New Year’s Even enjoyable?

It was good.

I don’t know, was it even?

54: Bet you’re missing someone right now?

Of course, always

Hmm no not really

55: How would your parents react if you got a tattoo?

They’re dead

No clue

56: Sleep on your back or stomach?

Both

Stomach mostly

57: If you could move away, no questions asked, where would it be ?

Tropical island

Somewhere in the mountains

58: What would you change about your life right now?

My love life…

Nothing

59: Has anything upset you in the past week?

Of course it has

Nope

60: Are you on the phone?

No

Yes~

61: Today, would you rather go forward a week or back?

Back

Back

62: Would you take $40,000 or a brand new car?

40,000

The cash

63: Have you ever talked to someone when they were high?

Yes

Not that I recall

64: Ever cried while you were on the phone with someone?

Yes

No

65: Have you ever copied someone elses homework?

No

Oh yeah

66: Are you the type of person who liks to be out or at home?

Home

Out on the town!

67: Do you automatically check your phone when you wake up?

N-….. yes

No

68: Have you ever stayed up all night on the phone?

No

Yes

69: Could you use some sleep right now?

Yes

Yes

70: Are you going to have a baby by the time you’re 18?

I’m 40 and I have 5 kids already

I’m 30

71: Does it bother you when someone hides things from you?

Yes but I can understand why they would

Depends on their reasoning

72: What’s your favorite color?

Maroon

Purple

73: Have you ever slept in the same room with someone you liked?

Uh…. Yes

The fu k kind of questions is that? Of course!

74: Have you ever been looking for something and it was already in your hand?

No

Yes

75: Do you get annoyed easily?

No

Oh yeah

76: If someone liked you, would you want them to tell you?

Yes

Sure if they like

77: Do you have a person of the opposite sex that you can tell everything to?

No

Yes

78: Does anyone call you babe?

Not anymore

Yes

79: How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust?

None

One

80: What do you prefer, relationship or one night stand?

Currently nothing

Relationship

81: What color hoodie did you wear last?

Navy

Black

82: Is there someone who meant alot to you at one point, and isn’t around anymore?

Yes, but they are around

Nope I have my lover~

@kittencrewtkc

[blue-eyed-bloodstains]

1: What would you name your future daughter? Vada. Kairi is a close second

2: Do you miss anyone? so much...

3: What if I told you that you were pretty? I’d say thank you but inside I’d never believe it for a second

4: Ever been told “it’s not you, it’s me”? not the exact phrase but sort of in other context, yeah

5: What are you looking forward to in the next week? nothing at all

6: Did you go out or stay in last night? stay in

7: How late did you stay up last night? I was up all night till this morning when I finally passed out

8: Honestly, has anyone seen you in your underwear in the past 3 months? my fiance

9: What were you doing at 12:30 this afternoon? sleeping

10: Have you ever told somebody you loved them and not actually meant it? seems like it now looking back, yeah...

11: Could you go for the rest of your life without drinking alcohol? FUUUCCCKKKK. NOOOOOOOOOOO.

12: Have you pretended to like someone? no

13: Could you go the rest of your life without smoking a cigarette? HELLLLLLL. NOOOOOOOO.

14: Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile? a few 

15: Is it hard for you to get over someone? very...

16: Think back five months ago, were you single? no 

17: Have you ever cried from being so mad? I rarely get mad, I get upset but yeah I have

18: Hold hands with anyone this week? no

19: Did your last kiss take place in/on a bed? no

20: Who did you last see in person? Uber driver

21: What is the last thing you said out lot? *loud, and I’m currently fighting with mom as fucking usual so...

22: Have you kissed three or more people in one night? god no

23: Have you ever been to Paris? no I’d love to someday

24: Are you good at hiding your feelings? no

25: Do you use chap stick? it’s been a minute I lost mine but sometimes yeah

26: Who did you last share a bed with? my fiance

27: Are you listening to music right now? no but gonna desperately need to after this call...

28: What is something you currently want right now? AS MUCH ALCOHOL AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

29: Were your last three kisses from the same person? yeah

30: How is your heart lately? torn to shreds...not from heartbreak just stress, loneliness, depression, anxiety...

31: Do you wear the hood on your hoodie? no, sometimes a hat backwards (always backwards) or just hair in a ponytail

32: When was the last time a member of the opposite sex hugged you? last month when he had a week home...

33: What do people call you? Morg for short, usually just fam does that...babe from fiance, babe or boob (pronounced different than the body part) from mom

34: Have you ever wanted to tell someone something but didn’t? ohhhh all the time...I slip anyway a lot of times and pay for it but yeah

35: Are there any stressful situations in your life? hahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! fuck off

36: What are you listening to right now? ID crime shows are in the background, mom on the phone

37: What is wrong with you right now? I’m breathing...let’s put it that way

38: Love really is a beautiful thing huh? when it’s right, yeah

39: Do you make wishes at 11:11? sometimes but don’t make a point of it, never comes true...

40: What is on your wrists right now? bracelet on left, extra hairtie on right

41: Are you single/taken/heartbroken/confused/waiting for the unexpected? taken

42: Where did you get the shirt/sweatshirt you’re wearing? Three Days Grace tour shirt from 2013, it’s my fiance’s

43: Have you ever regretted kissing someone? yes

44: Have you hugged someone within the last week? was supposed to...but as usual work fucked that up so no...

45: Have you kissed anyone in the last five days? unfortunately no...

46: What were you doing at midnight last night? wide awake on the phone with mom

47: Do you miss the way things were six months ago? that was December, Zach was home for a good bit of it so yeah

48: Would you rather sleep with someone else or alone? someone else for sure

49: Have you ever been to New York? a few times yeah

50: Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it? yeah

[radiatinggarlic]

2022 year in review-garden

This year's gardening efforts were mostly rubbish but there were a handful of highlights that keep me moivated on figuring out this thing called gardening. A late frost/cold snap zapped the Mexican Plum blossoms, killing any chance of fall jelly expermentation. Also, no early food source for the local pollinators(primarily bees and moths in years past)

After 4 years(or is it 3?) the Carolina Jessamine gave us its first and only blooms. We're gonna get there baby! Next March, we'll get 5!

And looping back to the Plum tree situation, there was a delay of the spring wildflowers this year and the bees were h0ngry, so I fed a smol swarm for roughly a week until the wildflowers finally showed up. No small feat, as I am v scared of stinging insects, but I am a sucker for a charity case so I couldn't just let them continue to struggle with the hummingbird feeders.

Gave up the good fight on forcing back the Heavenly Bamboo, in order to make a bird, bee, and butterfly garden in the middle of the backyard. Transplanted the Sweet Williams and Butterfly Bush to the house beds until the H.B. can be properly erradicated. Got some random annuals to fill in the vast empty bed spaces, honorable mentions for the Snapdragon and Dusty Miller who both just THRIVED. C got 2 zucchini plants for me and a jalapeño for himself, also placed in the house beds. I planted basil as well as having a go at a potted tomato. There was a whim purchase of 3 $10 rosebushes, two in the front bed (to replace the two that had died) and one by the back patio. Things were looking promising at the end of March/beginning of April.

Mid-April brought the Antelope-horn Milkweed back along with some new friends. There were eight total Monarch caterpillars who Eric Carle-ed their way through our humble milkweed before pupating all over the place.

Under a zucchini leaf was my personal fave pupation spot.

And then they emerged and did their butterfly thing. Backyard magic!

The Star Jasmine also gave us its first flowers after 3 or 4 years(planted the same day as the Carolina Jessamine).

Come June 1st, I harvested the first zucchini and I was ready for it. I love growing zukes. They are so damn hardy and it's a plant I've never had issues growing. I regularly have to shred and freeze my harvests because I can't keep up consuming them. I really love zucchini.

And then... the heat came. 100 degrees. Daily. For months. And yes, it's Texas. There is an expectation of hot, hot temps and little to no rainfall and watering with a hose here does nothing because the water is dreck. And so, the zucchini plants withered and died. The butterfly bush became crunchy, which I am still seeking to understand. C bought me another butterfly bush to cheer me up, and it also crunchified. I am hoping that they may return come the spring, though. Most of the annuals shriveled, withered, and passed. The rose bush by the patio kicked it. The Plum tree's leaves burned. C's jalapeño just kind of hung out, no flowers, no fruit, grew to 2.5 feet.

Looking back, I'm going to say the single most frustrating plant this year was the tomato. C kept undermining the way I was caring for it, watering and fertilizing after I had already done so. Moving it so that it could get "more sun". It didn't need more sun... anyway, this fucking tomato grew taller than me (5'6") and made a handful of flowers and didn't do much else. At some point, mid-July I think, the receptionist at my veterinarian's office mentioned an old wive's tale of getting a broom and(gently) smacking the top of the tomato plant, in order for it to start producing fruit. When I got home I said, "fuck it, why not?" And I'll be damned if it didn't start fruiting.

and that's it. The tomato harvest for 2022. As it turns out, tomatoes won't fruit if it's too hot, so a whole lot of unecessary labor and couple bickering for naught.

The basil put everything to shame by just g r o w i n g. I truly thought I was going to be struggling with this dude but it just kept chugging along, busting out branch after branch of delicious leaves. And I was checking on it everyday at sunrise to make sure there are no flowers because I have a habit of letting things bolt, and also, you know, everything else was deadsies. Frankly, if we hadn't received an early cold snap last month I think basil would still be rolling merrily along. I'm really hoping that it survives the winter and comes back.

Finally, the established fruit and nut trees and bushes suffered hard through the drought and heat. The dewberries burned and shriveled. The peaches looked okay at first but then stalled midway through growing. Come harvest time they were still small and green. Eventually, in August, they dropped and the local opposums and maybe the armadillos ate all but the pits. The figs seemed fine until it came time for the fruit to do their final plump out and instead shrank back and dropped to the ground. Another disappointment, as I wanted to experiment with making fig crumbles. The drought caused the pecan trees to opt out of producing any nuts this year. C impulse bought 3 trees for the "orchard"("they were on sale!"), so we added a banana tree that you can't even tell was planted, a loquat with shriveled crunchy leaves because they hate heat over 80, and another fig that looked lovely but once transplanted went into shock and dropped it's leaves.

Other work done: Chopped down Heavenly Bamboo in front bed. Fought to pull out as much of the root ball as possible (not much) and put down cardboard and landscape fabric in a bid to stop it from coming back. I'm mostly winning? I've had to go back in and remove some persistent spots and am due to do that again, actually. I also put down cardboard and a thick layer of leaf litter in the crape myrtle bed. Once I buy and put out some soil I will plop some landscape fabric on top, let that bitch percolate, and then (hopefully) next fall cram it full of bulbs and ferns. It's a nice bed but I much rather spend time in my backyard, than the front, so a set it and forget it bed would be preferable. I'm also going to try and bring back

[nothorses]

Top Surgery Journal

I figured it was time to share my top surgery experiences, so folks can potentially learn from them! I'll be updating this as I have more to add.

For context, I am in the U.S. (specifically Washington state), and a legal adult. A lot of my process may not apply to everyone.

Getting Coverage

The first step to scheduling top surgery is getting insurance coverage for it. Talk to your insurance first to figure out if they do cover top surgery, and what you need to do in order to obtain coverage. Oftentimes it won't be listed officially on your plan, but you can get coverage as long as you can prove you need it.

I was lucky enough to have good insurance with trans healthcare included, so all I needed was a letter from my PCP, and a letter from a behavioral health counselor specializing in gender dysphoria. I didn't need any diagnoses, any specific length of time on HRT, any particular presentation, etc.

(If you live in Washington, state law requires that top surgery be fully covered under Medicare. It might be worth it to check your state's laws as well!)

Referrals

I tried to schedule with a surgeon myself, thinking it was my responsibility to get the documents sent over and everything, but my PCP actually referred me when I first told her I had gotten coverage from my insurance.

I ended up going with that referral because the other surgeon was so hard to get ahold of, but my PCP did also send a referral to the surgeon I'd chosen before. I recommend going through your PCP for referrals first, as it takes a lot of the workload off of you- and they'll likely write a referral anyway when sending the documents needed for coverage over.

You may also find that the surgeon you talk to has different requirements than your insurance before performing top surgery. A referral from your PCP might bypass these requirements, but be sure to call them yourself and double-check. Your surgeon's office is supposed to call you to schedule a consultation, and they may not call you at all if you don't have all of those documents in- which means you can be left in limbo indefinitely, not knowing you need to send them more than you already did.

The Consultation

I was able to get a consultation about 5 weeks after calling, which was great! The consultation is your opportunity to ask the surgeon any questions you have, for them to evaluate your chest and what methods might work for you, and for you to see their results (most surgeons do not post result photos online for privacy reasons).

Come into the consultation with all the questions you have written down somewhere, so you don't forget. I asked:

If I could see photographs of his top surgery results

Which incisions he thought would work for me, stressing the things that were important to me: minimal recovery time, no free nipple grafts (I wanted to keep mine, but without risking a failed graft), and minimal chance of needing revisions

What my recovery would look like for the recommended incisions

Whether I will be getting drains (ideally, yes: drains reduce recovery time and the risk of needing revisions)

If he's had patients who have had complications (failed grafts, infections, need for revisions, etc.) and what he's done to reduce the chances of that happening again

My surgeon's results looked good (scars were even and symmetrical, healed nicely, etc.) and he answered my questions really well, so I was happy to go with him!

He recommended the fishmouth method for me, because recovery time would be minimal, there would be no need for nipple grafts, and my chest was small enough for it to work really well.

Scheduling the Surgery

My surgeon didn't have a very long waitlist, but it still took about 3 weeks for the clinic to process my request with my insurance (yes, even though I already had coverage). Once they'd processed that, they called me with a window of time I could schedule within; after a few months, insurance would no longer cover the surgery.

I got an extension, as I was working an intense summer job that I couldn't really take a few weeks off of to recover, then scheduled my surgery over the phone. They asked if I wanted a pre-op appointment, and I declined, as it'd mostly be information covered in the consultation or that could be given to me over the phone.

Preparing for Surgery

I wasn't given a check-in time for the hospital until about 2pm the day before, but they finally did call me and give me some instructions, including:

My check-in time and place

The hospital's phone number, to give to my ride/caretaker in case they had questions

That I was not to bring visitors (cause covid)

To bring my ID, insurance card, and credit card

That I was not to eat or drink anything after 12am that night (I did drink a bit of water with my meds, which they seemed fine with)

To shower with antibacterial soap the night before, and the morning of the surgery

Not to wear hair or skin products like deoderant or gel

Not to wear any jewelry, or anything else removable that wasn't just a clothing item.

When I checked into the hospital, they had my fill out some paperwork including the name and number of my ride and caretaker (which could be the same or separate people; they called the ride number when it was time to pick me up, and the caretaker number with detailed updates on my progress). Then they had me change into the hospital gown and answer some medical history questions, prepped me with an IV, and had a nurse, both anesthesiologists involved in my surgery, and my surgeon check in with me for more information and to answer any last questions I had.

I was told to use the bathroom about 20 minutes before I would be going under for my surgery (to avoid needing a catheter), and once I did, they injected some anesthetic into my IV and I passed the fuck out.

After Surgery

I showed up to the hospital at about 9am, and the prepping ended around 11am. The surgery was scheduled to end at 2pm; I wasn't conscious until about 3pm.

They had me use the restroom again (I passed out on the floor of the bathroom because it was way too soon, lmao), and I was in and out of sleep until I finally used the bathroom on my own at about 5pm. At that point I was a lot more lucid; I had some toast and pudding, and the nurse called my caretaker to go over post-op instructions with us both.

After that I dressed myself, was wheeled out to pick up my pain meds at the in-hospital pharmacy, then hopped in the car with my ride (the wonderful @lillia-pad) at about 5:30pm.

Recovery

I have a pretty high tolerance for anesthetic, so I was mostly just tired during the 36-ish hours the anesthetic continued to wear off. I didn't experience any nausea or lightheadedness either, but I was given an anti-nausea patch behind my left ear, plus some anti-nausea meds, just in case.

My post-op regimen sort of looks like this:

Take 1-2 tablets of oxycodone every 4 hours (for pain)

Take 2 tablets of laxative meds twice a day (cause pain meds cause constipation)

Empty drains twice per day, and record how much was in them

Get up and walk around every couple of hours to reduce the risk of blood clots

Ease into eating again: start with clear fluids, and work up to crackers/bread/etc., to avoid nausea and vomiting.

Lay down propped up on plenty of pillows, and only on your back (no side-sleeping!)

Keep the compression binder/gauze on for the first 48 hours, then remove them to shower as needed (but put them back on after!)

I was pretty lucid by the third day post-surgery, and was able to scale my pain meds down pretty quickly from 2 tabs on the first day, to 1 tab for the next two days, to 1/2 tab. Meds are much more important at night, when there's nothing to distract you from the pain- don't be afraid to ration them for nighttime.

Oxycodone also definitely causes drowsiness, so I took a lot of "oxy naps" about 45-60 minutes after I took my meds, which last between 20 minutes and 2 hours depending on how tired I am.

I have my post-op this week, so I will update this post with more details on my scars and healing then!