#yeah you're actually kinda weird
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chat i love them sm
#yk the whole thing about these subtle foreshadowings is that you seem rude and absurd and crazy every time you point them out#even despite the way more obvious evidence of these people like#just straight up getting mad at the thought of doing anything nice for you at all that isn't that vagueposting a thing or two#and every time you do say something regardless the focus also shifts immediately and entirely on dissecting you and how you possibly >>#>> could and couldn't would or wouldn't (i mean guess which one is more convenient) do something wrong in every scenario ever#and then boom it's been a year of you just going through nightmares and they just get more and more open about and hellbent on the violence#and regardless of how you actually act there are still all the same excuses for just about ✨anything✨ there always were#and suuuuuuch a real possibility of you being secretly evil#and giving up on everything even the curses and i mean like. eating and stuff. to mess with everyone's minds just for the love of the game#and just kill people left and right when no one's looking i guess#like yeah i must just be this affected by not being worshipped or feared enough or given money or something#nothing genuine ever going on there whatsoever because i'm too 👽boo spooky alien👽 for all that#as if it's even possible to win anything at all in a situation where you were already dehumanized to such extent from the start yk lol c':#and *literally* *anything* can be written into this narrative like thiiiiiiiiiis easily whether it makes sense or not#not even like it's supposed to make sense obv since the point is like just excusing things and silencing me and keeping the torture going#and they already fell for all that at least once so#there probably isn't that much else going on now#or at least it's way less anxiety inducing to think about it like that#and anxiety kills and stuff#so c':#oh and i'm not allowed to like genuinely not want to be around and dislike people after them torturing me for over a year#for these reasons too so it's just anything about me ✨being upset✨ about ✨not being good enough✨ for them or jealous or something instead#either way it lowkey felt so much nicer when i could just talk to them alone and without my abusers being brought up all the time#and now it's just them probably thinking that me being scary right wing kelp forest dracula theory every time they're being cute to me#i'll just be crying every time i talk to you idk is that okay?#or i mean#yeah you're actually kinda weird#literally all that's been going on is just me not being allowed to feel *functional* over someone not wanting to fix their head about >>#>> basic human rights and bodily autonomy and being weird about me feeling feelings for people i feel feelings for#fucked up horrifying pointless mess nothing else
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Guys you're all so mean it's not dream's fault that he willingly and unpromptedly called people slurs and then made everything worse and didn't apologise and just insulted people and shit 😔😔😔😔 he's just a poor little rich 25yo cishet white man he needs to be protected he shouldn't have to answer for his own actions and words 😔😔😔😔😔
#internet is so cruel istg 😔#dsmp#dream#dream smp#tntblr#cc!dream#tommyinnit#i didn't expect dream to be a trump supporter but actually i fully expected it ngl it makes so much sense#and yeah no kinda weird to be emotionally manipulating a 16yo when you're 21 ngl#(or a 17yo when you're 21 OOP WHAT WHO SAID THAT ONE HA HA NVM DON'T MIND ME)(personal “drama”)
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bored
#milgram#milgram fanart#mikoto kayano#shidou kirisaki#kazui mukuhara#yuno kashiki#why did they give mikoto a skateboard tho#kazui look slike kafka from kaiju no 8#in a way. i think#maybe that's why i don't actually mind his fit as much#i'm glad they didn't make kazui super skinny#i like it when he actually got some meat on his bones#i wish it was a little more tho#i always cry when i remember kazui is skinnier than i thought he was... his t1 sprite is so deceiving#i love yuno's and amane's a lot#shidou makes me sad tho there's nothing interesting about it sigh#ig the jacket is kinda cool cuz it's a coat instead of a cape or whatever and the collar is nice#but c'mon they even reused his first aid kit#at the very least i'm glad we got some milgram content tho#anything to quench my thirst#poking straws in their heads and sipping on them like caprisuns#nyways shidou using kazui's weird screen thing to watch cat vids because he is a lsoer and they're both losers#i'm so tired GYOD#uhmrgmrmmrm yeah idk what else to say lol#have a wonderful day or night if you're reading this#chibi's art/rkgk
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so did you guys know theres this character called tristan vik disventure camp and
#disventure camp#disventure camp fanart#tristan vik#disventure camp tristan#ghostofsnails#my art#It would be SO tedious to post all of these separately but to be honest ive been dead for so long that i think its just funnier like this#like. yeah. just in case you guys have been wondering what i've been up to.#I have like 2 more i think but i'll give them their own post so i can explain them#ive never hyperfixated on a character like this in my entire life. usually a character hyperfix is super intense and lasts like 2ish weeks.#GUYS ITS BEEN 2+ MONTHS. AND I STILL CANT THINK ABOUT ANYTHING EXCEPT FOR CARTOON GOTH NONBINARY SILLY PERSON#actually fuck you can i write an essay in tags about why i love them. this is tumblr. and whose even gonna read this anyways. fukit we ball#i followed dc kinda casually as a guilty pleasure for a while but i was instantly drawn to tristan when the designs for the s4 cast dropped#i was like You're telling me there's a GOTH who is UPBEAT and isnt designed like a flawless elf TWINK and is NONBINARY? ME FR????#LIKE OHH THE GOTH NB GETS TO LOOK A LITTLE WEIRD. THEY GET TO BE UNCONVENTIONAL. my aesthetic attraction to them goes crazy. vampire style.#i remember when they got revealed people redesigned them to look more generically pretty & it PAINED ME bc it missed the point SO. BADLY.#ik some people find them boring also & even tho i disagree i can see it if u dont rlly care abt alt stuff. but for me the fact theyre so#kind & upbeat & extroverted WHILE being a SUBCULTURAL GOTH is the draw bc while i do get a kick out of the exaggerated depressed goth#stereotype - its not exactly true to life and so seeing a character that looks and acts like me and real goths makes feel so seen and happy#they also capture my desire to have goth friends SO BADLY im projecting on them SO HARD. They are such top tier friend material you guys...#AND THEYRE A FASHION DESIGNER WHICH FEELS SO IN THEME WITH BEING GOTH THAT IT MAKES ME SO JOYOUS AND CRAZY.#its all so funny because im 100x more excited about getting good goth rep than nonbinary rep LMFAOOO but them being nb is SO important too#Not to mention their voice actor is FANTASTIC and elevates them SOOO MUCH. Also the amount the va is obsessed with them fed my obsession -#sooo insanely you guys.... i feed off of other peoples emotional attachments. AND THEIR ACTING FOR TRIS ADDS SO MUCH DEPTH TO THEIR#CHARACTER IF YOU LOOK FOR IT. I COULD LITERALLY WRITE ESSAYS ABOUT TRISTAN YOU GUYS. IM NOT INSANE.#god you guys this is the first time ive ever had a genuine “i feel seen” feeling from a fictional character I KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE NOW.#i LOVE NONBINARY PEOPLE EXPRESSING THEMSELVES. I LOVE HOW QUEERNESS AND GOTH CULTURE INTERSECTS AND HOW THATS REPRESENTED IN TRISTAN#THEY MEAN SO MUCH TO ME. AND I KNOW THEY MEAN SO MUCH TO SO MANY OTHER PEOPLE. WHICH JUST MAKES THEM MEAN EVEN MORE TO ME. I LOVE LIFE.#its an endless feedback loop i fear. im trapped in it & loving every second. i will be drawing them until i am in my grave & maybe after.
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Alright here's my full (possibly hot) take on redesigning Hazbin Hotel characters and making a video showcasing those redesigns while you criticize the official designs.
First and foremost, you are redesigning someone else's OCs. Hazbin Hotel is, in essence, a passion project for Viv. How she talks about it makes that incredibly clear to me. The only difference between Hazbin Hotel and, for example, the story I'm developing surrounding some of my D&D OCs is that Hazbin Hotel got picked up by a streaming service and is significantly more popular than most passsion projects get.
Personally if someone wanted to redesign my D&D OCs, I wouldn't mind it, in fact I'd probably think it was really cool that someone would want to redesign one of my OCs to be closer to their tastes in terms of what they like to draw. I would, however, be made incredibly uncomfortable if someone made a video redesigning them where they also pointed out everything they thought was wrong with the designs. I didn't design these specific D&D characters to be 1-to-1 accurate to their classes in D&D or to look professionally designed. I designed them how I wanted them to look for the story I'm telling because I don't plan to ever play them in a campaign. The main character Avlan is a paladin, and I can acknowledge that his design might not look exactly like a paladin. One of the tabaxi in the story (Ice) is a bard and the other (Spark) is a ranger, and I acknowledge that their classes might not come across well in their designs. The single tiefling I've designed for this story (Tragedy) is a cleric but might not come off as one in their design. But I specifically designed them to be easy for me to draw because I want to be able to tell this story through my art. Having someone say "oh, Avlan's armor isn't paladin enough!" or "Avlan's fur colors and patterns should be closer to a wild rabbit's because harengon shouldn't be based on domestic rabbit colors!" would fucking hurt (especially because I'm so attached to Avlan, but it would hurt just as much if similar comments were made about Ice, Spark, or Tragedy). I am so passionate about these characters and being told their designs are bad or wrong in some way would be like a stab in the heart, and it would still feel like a stab in the heart if this story ever got a massive fandom behind it. Giving Avlan more complex armor because you think it'd look cool or just want to see what it'd look like? Sure, if I could draw more complex armor I'd give him more complex armor too. Giving him more complex armor but also shitting on the armor I decide to draw him with? My motivation to draw him in his armor, potentially draw him period, would be dead for WEEKS.
Why is it suddenly okay just because someone's passion project was picked up by Amazon Prime? Why is it suddenly okay to be "fixing" someone's character designs just because the project has a much bigger budget than most artists get and is on a popular streaming service? It's not. I don't care if you're a professional character designer, or think a specific character would look better with certain traits, or just don't like the character designs.
Hazbin Hotel is still Vivienne Medrano's passion project, and redesigning her characters and making videos talking about everything you think is "wrong" with them is, honestly, disgusting. You can make videos explaining your choices in your redesigns without putting down the designs that already exist, whether you like them or not. Me thinking Lucifer looks better with his tail not restricted to his full demon form doesn't suddenly mean I don't like his official design, because I fucking love it. If you wouldn't do it to an artist whose passion project is just a webcomic here on Tumblr, don't fucking do it to an artist whose passion project got picked up for a cartoon by a big streaming service (or any company for that matter).
#hazbin hotel#vent#kinda#i just think it's a weird double standard#'yeah don't fix people's art! unless theyre working on a project that was picked up by a big company then it's fine to fix their art'#like???#why is that a mentality that exists?? they're still viv's characters#and you can still redesign them without shitting on the official designs#pretty much all of my redesign notes for hazbin hotel are 'how can i make this character easier and more fun for me to draw'#because i specialize in furry art. i don't usually draw humanoids lol#so giving vox some shark traits for example or making adam more birdlike would make them more fun for me to draw#why can't we redesign them based on that without saying 'i think it's weird that this decision was made for this character's design'#they're still viv's characters. they're still her designs. stop pointing out everything you think is wrong with them for fucks sake#we don't need to talk about hazbin's character designs. we don't need to 'fix' them#just say they aren't for you and move on. there's literally nothing inherently wrong with them#i also feel like not enough people actually do research into the historical contexts of some characters#and i think it'd be really fuckin cool to see people redesign characters more based on headcanons based on that than anything#look into how the mafia operated in new york in the early/mid 1900s for angel. look into radio hosts in the 1920s for alastor.#look into las vegas culture during husk's lifetime for husk. look into the culture surrounding tv hosts in the 1950s for vox.#LOOK INTO THE CULTURE OF THE ELIZABETHAN ERA FOR ZESTIAL.#(i just presented zestial ideas to anyone who wants them on a silver platter. you're welcome)#(also new headcanon that zestial was friends with shakespeare in life because why the fuck not)#(when the tags get wildly out of hand)
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what in the. see this is why it's a good thing that multiplayer videogames especially are about having fun & being yourself like what do you mean disguised spies automatically had the speed of the disguise's class & everyone's like yea if i wasn't always going for the scout disguise i'd kill myself right now. i'd be like haha can't catch Me out supposedly the extra slow or extra fast class >:) i am a harmless engineer
#something something like ah as scout you move fast & can be allll the way over there & your line of sight is above your Visible head#devastating. sure i Always could've looked these things up but i just like figured. don't disguise as heavy or scout; a plausible limitatio#i mean i guess i always did okay as spy b/c like in random lobbies there's just more chaos factor so like. no Your Je Ne Sais Quoi is off#even in terms of like ''why would xyz class being doing abc rn'' like who can say....i sure can't like#never knew the maps much less their Strategic Points for Whatevering. rarely tried being a Real Engineer like where do i put shit#or real demo like i don't want a team to think that role is covered. it is basically not. or a soldier even when i think that was like#recommended basic / beginner role. well i never figured out how to rocket jump reliably so jot that down#heavy pretty straightforward. medic i figured out soon enough you're Mostly supposed to support a heavy lol like okay if we need one#go figure i never seemed to do well as pyro; an alright scout probably like you really can have fun & be yourself zooming around like that;#sniper i was okayish too like yeah perhaps i can lurk & take out a heavy. or get into an intractible [the snipers are fightinnnng]#spy also okayish like again w/chaos on my side sure maybe i can sabotage turrets backstab a sniper heavy medic & cloak away....#but also all this like No special abilities or weapons. i don't even have the basics down lol. what is this link talking abt trickstabbing#are they not all trickstabs lol....apparently not exactly. i am discerning it is the art of [spy backstab] plus Juking#so i guess anything but the theoretical standard Surprise Approach. ''that know they are a spy'' ''in difficult situations''#ppl listing off a bunch of Named Trickstab Maneuvers lmfao talk about kill me. good thing videogames are about having fun & being yourself#also that i couldn't play tf2 now if i wanted to. which eh i kinda do b/c the whole time it Was like yeah this'll be a mess but haha whee#again good thing that ppl theoretically can now though? vs whatever peak ''so matches are overrun w/bot players'' times#why was that a thing at all. something something Items okay. alright back at things i Can do after another Looking Stuff Up tangent#prior geological eras into Big Events on that scale into Large Insects into lol giant water bug i.e. weird but in charge of the nighttime#i'm just still arm slung around tf2 like a smissmas miracle despite it all for sure#& it really even is that rare Games I've Actually Played Myself Ever....it really is....#hey what in the disguised enemy spies can be healed too? & like for real not just Appearing to be? what a menace lmao
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ok but no guys seriously how do you ask for reassurance in a way that doesn't make you look like a stupid yandere stereotype
#can't be too casual and be like “hey nothing you did all me but i need some reassurance that you still like me”#because thats like pathologizing or something???#i dont actually know what pathologizing is supposed to mean ive done a lot of research and i cant wrap my head around it still#but it sounds like something someone would say is pathologizing#I can't go in the middle and actually explain it like#“hey you've been kinda dry lately i wanna know if i did something or if you're not feeling well or if it's just me”#cause people HATE that#they'll call it guilt tripping they'll lie to get you to shut up and continue to let resentment build#eventually leading to an explosive falling out#OR you'll make them self conscious of their own actions which i would HATE to be the cause of because this SUCKS#but it also ALSO leads to nasty falling outs where they tell you they need to walk on eggshells around you#which may or may not have been due to levels of their own insecurity but either way itd still be my fault#for saying anything in thr first place#and you DEFINITELY can't be like#“hey i really like you and i want to keep you as a friend so thats why i wanted to ask if ive done anything#because you seem really off lately and i don't want this friendship to end because you mean a lot to me and i swear this isn't a guilt trip#or a one-off if you tell me what's wrong if anything i will work on it i will change it i will do anything to maintain this because your#companionship means so much to me“#because that is what ventures into stereotype territory#and it is also really weird and desperate#HOW DO I STRIKE A BALANCE LIKE THIS#the most central neutral option here seems to be the one with the most bad outcomes#also even though I really would do anything to change im still scared of what people might say if i ask that#and i can't just sit with it either because people pick up on my neuroticism and they don't really like it in friends#i don't need a whole rundown of why people like me as reassurance i really just need a few words like#“oh yeah we're cool you didn't do anything/i have personal stuff going on it's not you/etc”#but in the latter case i don't want my friends to think they have to put their business out there just so i can stop tweaking#and maybe it's bad for me to need the reassurance at all?????? even though i see other people ask about it all the time#but maybe it's different when it's me a lot of things seem to be different when its me#AND THATS NOT COMING FROM A PLACE OF SELF DEPRECIATION it's just a thing ive noticed a lot of things are different when its me compared to
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literally genuinely hate to be this guy because I originally WANTED to watch the dub because subtitles are annoying and distracting for my adhd ass but I don't know how y'all can stand marcille sounding like a nurse joy
#why is she DOING IT LIKE THAT... PLEASE.....#I actually really Don't Like any of the voice performances in the dub except chilchuck which is a bummer#and I also kinda feel like a lot of the translations are? weird for no reason?? which is a MAJOR BUMMER TBH#(IS THAT LINE REALLY 'YOU'RE SO CRINGE' IN DUB?? PLEASE SAY SIKE???)#but marcille's voice is so.... :') yeah yeah yeah let's get into the more serious moments of this story with the VA doing a Fake Lady Voice#SORRY FOR BEING A HATER it's just annoying because I wanted!! to be watching the dub I don't WANNA be a WEEB ABOUT IT#and like I don't knoooow maybe she also sounds like she's Doing A Voice in japanese and it's just harder to tell because I don't speak it#BIG SHRUG. DON'T LIKE THE IT.#like I watched the first ep in english FIRST and was so '... :\' about the VA that I tried the sub just because I felt disappointed#anyway. sorry weebs. I get it now.#about me
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waiting for files to upload and having a moment about feelings ive had my entire life but never realized i had
#saw a tiktok where someone described feeling like a 'placeholder friend' and i was like. oh. yeah. thats a feeling i have#god its crazy to think about. when i would see stuff about always feeling like you're weird i didnt think that applied to me#until i thought about it more and realized i HAVE always been very aware that im seen as 'weird' i just didnt always see it as a bad thing#i feel like it was also hard to look inward about my behavior bc i was so thoroughly convinced i was normal. despite trying to adjust my -#- behavior to what i thought people do. trying to react like how i thought people were supposed to react#trying to cover up my actual thought processes behind things and fabricate what i thought was more normal reasoning#despite all of that i was unironically like 'thank god im the only normal one here' for SO LONGGGG#learning that i was probably autistic when i was like 16 sent my whole world crumbling down LOL#all because i took an autism quiz for fun. i was so sure that i wasnt. so i took the quiz. and then i scored highly#and then i looked into it more and thought more about myself and Oops! that all kinda describes me!#so. yeah. been having a moment tonight. evaluating my feelings ive had all my life and whatever#usually knowing im different doesn't get me down all that often. but it kinda is tonight! just a little#its probably because its 1 in the morning right now. ill be less emotional when its not the middle of the night#but. man
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larg post be warned!!
Sometimes it amazes me that, well, different places have different cultures and stuff
like if i were to go over to someone and ask them about, well, i forgot the name of the movie
but it was like reeeeeeally popular to the point where kids on the playground fighting would quote one of the songs as like this epic comeback
Cut to the song and it's just this rap where the mc, after getting some advice from a teacher at the school he went to, just goes up to his bullies and sings "yeah well no u, ever thought of that?" to all of the insults they said
with the obligatory bunch of nonsense words in between where knowing what they mean makes them make less sense
Song ends with one of the bullies headbutting the guy, knocking him out instantly
this isn't even on the top ten of weird things that happen
#ooh boi danish culture was certainly something#i mean#It's weird#But still#that's just kinda how the whole “cinematic universe” is#because yeah the people's other movies is set in the same universe#Though they are actually good#Unlike this one#Do recommend the checkered ninja movies though#if you're okay with some eeh stuff happening#violence is not something that happens often in it but it's there#just saying
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shoot yourself
#okay yeah the one statement he's made that was “i guess I'm straight... i haven't really thought about it before” from three years ago#when he was put on the spot publicly on the spot by somebody paying him money to ask for a sexuality reveal#i just don't think it makes sense to prioritize that over every single time he's openly expressed attraction to men since then#and yes#dream counts#because people have a weird tendency to discount d.nf as a form of attraction because they write it off as pandering despite how different#is has become since the jackbox days or the days of ACTUAL pandering#I just think if you're measuring a three year old statement that occurred in a clearly uncomfortable situation against#him repeatedly dropping hints/making statements/etc. to contradict it knowing who his fans are and how they will interpret it#and that statement is coming out on top#then you're kinda the weirdo here#negative#aya asks
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day 2 of what i call the redneck convention aka a family function
#it just so happens there's two events that call for a cookout--we never hang out two days in a row--usually i get a break of a few months--#so idk if i can handle it#not to mention my sister has work & my fave cousin brings her bf all the time & is busy talking with him#so it's just gonna be me & all these other family members i don't like ://#& okay let me say a thing#yesterday i was having a conversation with my sister--clearly a private conversation#& my weird aunt just literally barged in between us like 'what what are you guys up to huh what what'#& i just like nervously laughed & was like 'yeah we're just talking'#& then she just starts standing right next to me--like glued at the hip and literally says 'what if i just wanna stand right here--#next to you and just follow you around?'#& i just kinda nervously laughed & tried to shuffle away but she literally started following me around like that#& i know it's ridiculous but i could feel my fight or flight kick in because she was in my personal space & not listening to me#but all i did was kinda laugh again & say 'no thanks i gotta go wash my hands so i can eat--the food's almost ready'#& i had to say that like twice & then she actually got pissed & huffed before storming off#& then later in front of everyone she told my mom something like 'you need to correct your daughter's behavior she's very rude'#as if my mom could do anything#(like don't get me wrong my mom could say 'behave a certain way or we'll kick you out because you're an adult' but she's not gonna do that)#& my mom & dad were both just like '???' when i explained it because i didn't do anything rude--#like genuinely how The Fuck am i supposed to respond with some aunt getting into my space & refusing to leave even when i'm uncomfortable#my parents told me not to worry about it because she's just weird all the time (which i know) but because she's got nothing else going on--#in her life she'll probably still try to make drama out of that little interaction today#idk i might just gaslight her by pretending i don't remember what happened. gatekeep girlboss etc#& don't get me wrong i have complete sympathy for people who aren't good with social cues--i'm one of the most awkward people at these--#functions. but personal space is where i draw the line because you can't just get into someone's space & insist on being there even when--#they're clearly uncomfortable#sigh anyways these tags are so long. wish me luck ://#rose.txt
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good morning i am just very slightly worried about prom <3
#🌙.rambles#no classes today 🥺 gna do my hw for next week tho n then. yes.#I'M WORRIED THOUGH YEAH BCS. hfdsksdjf most of the other ppl r friends or r in the same class#kinda worried i might not enjoy as much bcs. who knows if i'll be able to talk properly or if i might just get nervous instead#n maybe at one point i cld go to one of my other friends too but she's going w a guy n i don't want to intrude ig#n she has her other friends too. my friend at our table yeah has other friends too#i'm worried i might just. not enjoy at all bcs of anxiety or maybe i'll just feel lonely or smth hdkfajsdlf nothing i can do abt that thoug#maybe when i'm anxious i'll just cope by dissociating n just thinking of noctis or claude or smth 😭😭 or artem n write a story in my head#n i'll go out of my comfort zone n use up all my social energy#recently they just announced in our batch gc that we can have yk same couples. wasn't in the ltp or smth tho ����#wish i had at least another friend or smth. so maybe it wld've been possible to bring one of my friends from another school ^^#platonically bcs she's like. bi. 🫣 i'm still rather amused at how she. mentioned she was bi when like#i had my arm around her shoulder n she said smth along the lines that it was kinda weird for her bcs she wasn't used to it?? IDK 😭😭#didn't quite catch the rest of her words but sorry girl i'm just naturally affectionate w my friends#n idk why but if you're like. biologically female or actually even just like. yk your gender is female n you identify along those lines#i'm just automatically more comfy w you n physically affectionate.#nyways she told me she doesn't have prom tho when we were talking abt sch we were like talking abt school events n :<<#hmm. yk it's not like i need. someone for prom like. yk i just need myself. but i guess it's a bit of a childish old wish of mine#that said though i'm fine just still rather worried bcs in social situations i just. end up feeling rlly lonely haha#like i was doing well i rmb friday of the fair but then i was bottling my emotions n pretending i was completely okay 👍#definitely wasn't crying when everyone was away <3 n then my anxiety just. god i don't want to think about it#until the end i was just. hanging on to a piece of thread. sorry you saw me cry a bit. sorry i lied that i was fine#sorry i let myself. go through that. twin n friend laying their heads on my shoulder as they were falling asleep n i was just. crying#n then later that night i just ended up crying even more. painful memories.#just have to accept that my social energy's just shit n ppl will always have another that they'd prefer talking with.#i have. apollo at least yh? n i guess to each person i mean at least. something. i think#sorry i'm not usually like this but it's just. smth i just can't help but be anxious about. one of my biggest insecurities#i'm so used to being alone though i've realized. last year wasn't real goddamn. n. 2020 was.. i don't know#ah i'll be productive now. i. move forward from the past n i never forget in a way that it. helps spur me onwards but#sometimes the past haunts me. sometimes is.. perhaps a big understatement bcs i think too much but. uh. yh that's enough i'm fine.
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i think it will be really cool if they don't hurt me despite not feeling anything that much for me
#things just happen to me sometimes you know it might even not be that boring after all#and i'm really not actually evil or anything so🐁#literally i'll love you even more if you don't mind#oh and the sciencecore!#like who cares lol c':#i mean i do (a lot hehe) but aside from that yeah obviously#you as in you know#you#of course it's you#as in not the fish! she's just been posting sad and like idk i do care but i *do not* want to be around her#because i care a lot more about not losing you to the cult and because of everything#.....it's like you know#feelings or not and i personally do feel very much okay with you#but i just don't want you to accept anyone at all hurting me like that#because this really isn't some trivial love triangle or unrequited crush drama#and you're kinda amazing and i vibe with more than with anyone ever and want to know things about you#if you care to share#that's all❤️#because like you do understand#and you only started to act like you don't because of the cult#and all they want for no reason at all is to silence me and exploit me in a bad and really unnecessary way after already hurting me#and in an attempt to normalize the abuse in my head to that#and you know me and know i'm not being too sensitive even though it wouldn't be wrong at all if i was and that that's not now it works#i don't know how to tell you you just know#and you're everything i want aside from that in whatever way you feel comfortable with that doesn't include hurting me#and by hurting me i mean the cult nothing else there's nothing wrong with you at all#and i know how not caring feels though not about you or like fish if you start thinking i was lying to her before she hurt me or something#nothing wrong with that at all too i just don't think it's ever worth enabling abuse and just act like i tend to regardless#i keep forgetting some people just refuse to see how damaging it all was to me so it fr looks like i'm just trying something weird here❤️#and i'm not
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It always gets me that the name "Gandalf" literally just means "Wand-Elf" or "Stick-Elf". I'm imagining old Gondorians just being like:
Librarian: I saw that weird guy at the library again today.
Guard 1: What weird guy?
Librarian: The old guy with the beard? Kinda elfy-looking, apart from the beard?
Guard 1: Oh, with the big-ass stick?
Librarian: Yeah, looked like he was carrying an entire tree branch.
Guard 2: Yeah, that's the Stick Elf.
Guard 1: Hell yeah, I fuckin' love the Stick Elf.
Librarian: The "Stick Elf"?
Guard 2: He comes by every few years, usually after some weird book or other.
Librarian: Oh. Yeah, he wanted a treatise on goblin breeding habits.
Guard 2: Like, how they have sex? We have books on that?
Librarian: Yeah, turns out we do. I was as surprised as you are.
Guard 1: What'd the Stick Elf need a fuckin' goblin-fuckin' book for?
Librarian: I didn't ask. So you just call him "Stick Elf"?
Guard 2: I mean, he looks kinda elfy and he always has that stick, so, like, yeah.
Guard 1: Dude also has some fuckin' dope pipeweed.
Guard 2: Oh yeah, his pipeweed is awesome.
Librarian: How long has he been coming here?
Guard 2: Oh, for decades. He's, like, super old.
Guard 1: More like fuckin' centuries. Dude's old as balls.
Guard 2: Wait, really?
Guard 1: Yeah, my gran-gran used to talk about him. She loved his pipeweed too.
Librarian: So he's… an immortal pipeweed dealer?
Guard 2: I think he's just, like, a connoisseur. He doesn't sell it or anything. He just always has some really top-notch pipeweed on him.
Archivist: Oh, are we talking about Stick Elf?
Guard 1: Hell yeah we are!
Librarian: You know about the Stick Elf, too?
Archivist: Oh, totally. Stick-Elf's a super chill dude. Gave me some awesome pipeweed when I was maybe 12, and tee-bee-aitch I think I'm still a little buzzed from it.
Guard 1: What'd I tell ya, fuckin' dope pipeweed!
Archivist: Also he's really old.
Guard 1: Old as balls.
Librarian: Yeah, so Éodan and Jenniforomir were telling me.
Archivist: My grandpa used to tell me stories - he said one time he saw Stick Elf enter a smoke-ring contest.
Guard 1: Ooh, I'll bet he kicked fuckin' ass.
Archivist: Apparently the guy made an entire warship out of smoke and it flew around shooting down the other rings.
Librarian: And how much of this "fuckin' dope" pipeweed had your grandfather had by this point?
Guard 1: No no, that's totally plausible. Dude's got weird elf powers and shit for sure.
Archivist: He brought fireworks for the king's birthday one year, too.
Guard 1: Oh fuck, I forgot about those! Fuckin' incredible fireworks! Dragons and knights and glowy trees and shit! I was fuckin' 6 years old or something, they totally blew my mind. Hey Éodan, did you see that shit?
Guard 2: No, I think that's before I lived in Gondor.
Guard 1: Wait, you're not from here?
Guard 2: Oh, no, I grew up in Rohan. We moved here when I was, like, thirteen because my uncle Éojeff said he could get my dad a sweet job. And also that there were houses that didn't smell like horseshit.
Guard 1: Oh shit, are you related to Éojeff and Éosteve who run that æbleskiver stand on Norndîl St?
Guard 2: Yeah, they're my uncles!
Guard 1: Shit, they cook a fuckin' great æbleskiver!
Librarian: Ok, hold up a sec, "Stick Elf" can't possibly be his real name.
Guard 1: Why not?
Librarian: What? You think his parents named him in the hopes that he would carry around a fucking tree when he got older?
Guard 2: Maybe they gave him the tree when he was born!
Archivist: I don't think a baby could carry that stick.
Guard 1: You ever seen a baby hanging onto something? They're hella strong.
Archivist: It's not a strength thing, their hands are tiny. That staff is enormous!
Guard 1: My halberd's bigger 'n I am, I can hold it just fine.
Archivist: You're not a baby.
Librarian: Also why would elf parents name their kid "stick ELF"?! Presumably they know that their kid's going to be an elf!
Archivist: Is he actually an elf? I didn't think they grew beards.
Guard 1: How'd he get old as balls if he's not an elf?
Guard 2: His ears aren't that pointy. Maybe he's just a really old guy? Like, a Numémoriam or something?
Guard 1: Did you just say "Numémoriam"?
Guard 2: Nûnenorman? Munimõrbitan? Y'know, those guys like the king that can get super old.
Guard 1: You mean the fuckin' Númenóreans?
Guard 2: Yeah, the Númenóreums.
Archivist: Even the Númenóreans don't live THAT long.
Guard 1: Plus he carries that fuckin' stick around.
Guard 2: Wait, what does the stick have to do with it?
Guard 1: That's an elf thing. Y'know, trees and shit? Very elfy.
Librarian: Ok, look, but his parents naming him "Stick Elf" would be weird whether or not he's an elf. In fact, it's even weirder if he's not - what human names their kid "elf"?
Archivist: Huh. Yeah, you're right, he probably does have another name.
Guard 2: Yeah, I guess so.
Librarian: He's been coming here for decades and nobody's ever asked his real name?
Archivist: I dunno what to tell you, he's Stick Elf. Even his library card just says 'Stick Elf'.
Guard 1: Fuck yeah, the Stick Elf!
Guard 2: Maybe we could, like, ask him his name sometime?
Guard 1: Hey, look, Elrond's over there. He's old as balls too, maybe he knows?
Guard 2: Oh, we shouldn't interru-
Guard 1: HEY ELROND, YOU'RE OLD AS BALLS, RIGHT? WHAT'S THAT OLD ELF WITH THE STICK'S NAME?
Elrond (coming over): Do you mean an old man cloaked all in grey and blue, leaning on a rough-cut staff, who came to the great library this day?
Guard 1: Yeah, the Stick-Elf!
Guard 2: (Sorry to bother you, sir...)
Librarian: He's got to have a real name besides 'the Stick Elf', right?
Elrond: Indeed, for no elf is he. You speak of the wizard Olórin, wisest of the Maiar, older even than Eä itself. Many are his names in many countries: Tharkûn among the Dwarves; Incánus to the south; Mithrandir he is called among my people, the Grey Pilgrim.
Librarian: Oh.
Elrond: And here in the North he is called Stick-Elf.
Librarian: Oh.
Guard 1: Fuck yeah!
#fun fact: the Khuzdul name Tharkûn means 'staff-man'#so the Dwarves also call him 'the stick guy'#on the naming of things#sufficiently verbose prose#that's what I'm Tolkien about
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Man high school was fucked up. You ever think about that. Thank fucking god I'm not in high school anymore
#Sorry I need to turn a distraction video on or smth because my mind came back to#The very first experience I had of high school#And like my father had just dropped me off right. Yknow. Big massive new place I hadn't been before#And we went into an assembly hall right and my father called me like 5 minutes after#My phone was on silent and I took it out of my pocket for what. 5 seconds to dismiss the call.#Yknow a call from my parent who probably just wanted to make sure I got in okay#And in that 5 seconds a teacher just came over and took the phone off me#And then later on in the assembly the speaker was like 'We have a strict phone policy.'#'You're not allowed to use them outside of break unless explicitly asked' and the fucking.#Teacher who practically snatched my damn phone of me was like#'I have caught 5 students on their phones already. This is unacceptable behaviour in high school and you should already know'#Like. Holy shit I got it out for 5 damn seconds to dismiss a call from a parent who just wanted to make sure I was okay :sob: I was 12 yknow#Just something so. Fucked up about that. That's not a fucking expectation in the real world#Yeah don't be distracted by your phone while doing work in class but it was nothing like that :sob:#I'm willing to bet that most of the people who got their phone confiscated in that assembly were of similar circumstances to me#Yknow. Worried parents who just dropped their 12 year old off to a big unfamiliar place for the first time calling#You could've taught that lesson in the classroom if someone was actually distracted on their phone. Come on now#What Is with some fucking primary school and high school teachers having absolute power trips over actual children#Awful. I was thinking about it because my younger sibling has just gone back school#And their in their last year of primary school and they where telling me about like all the bullshit they're pulling#And I guess I just. Worry a bit. Because high school is genuinely a little bit fucking traumatic#I tell them all the time that most of the rules they set up in primary school and high school are kinda bullshit anyways#And to follow them simply to not get in trouble. But don't let them dictate how you act forever#Because you go through the whole of high school being told what to do by people who usually view you as a lesser being to them#And then you get to college and everything changes and it's gonna be weird as fuck finally being viewed as an equal#...especially if you're like me and engrained rules way too seriously#Sorry this is breaking the no emotional posting after 10pm rule but I think I can stand by this one#Okay I've made 6 begillion grammar errors I'm on mobile I can't change em#To everyone currently in high school: please fucking survive. It get's better. I prommy you#android.txt
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