#>> basic human rights and bodily autonomy and being weird about me feeling feelings for people i feel feelings for

[slimyenemy]

chat i love them sm

[fangirleaconmigo]

Hey Des I was wondering your opinion about something. I know your a big fan of Geralt and Yennefers book cannon relationship but I was wondering if you ever thought it might be more impactful of the family dynamics if they weren’t together. Personally in a found family dynamic like the witcher I think it’s be so interesting to show someone with two parents that aren’t in love. Rather what connects them would be friendship and love of the child but wouldn’t detract from their parenting at all

Hi Nonnie!

Thank you for the question! You've stumbled on something that I feel strongly about, so you'll probably get more answer than you wanted. (typical of me)

When we're talking about romantic vs platonic, neither kind of relationship is inherently more or less impactful. What matters is how it is written. So, on one hand, my answer is no. It wouldn't be inherently more impactful if Yen and Geralt weren't romantically involved.

That being said, I PERSONALLY write them as loving exes and coparents in my fics. That is the family arrangement in my stories. Here is why. I do that because I see and feel such a lack of this story in media anywhere. I'll get a little personal here (I always get deep in these answers. People are gonna stop asking me questions because I get in my feels and end up writing a novel).

There is a bond that is so profound between people who are parents of the same child. It is anchored by a shared commitment that is like none other. The commitment to your child. That child didn't get any choice about being born or about who they were born to. You are their only lifeline and their only connection to the world. They literally can't eat or have basic hygiene or survive without you.

It is your your only job now to help them make their way in the world. To help them grow into the strongest, most healthy, vibrant version of themselves they can be. That duty is the closest thing to sacred that I know. You arrange your entire life and being around it for at least a few decades. You both do. (Ideally, obviously. My parents didn't lol sob)

You also both love the same person so much you feel like you will break apart if you think about it too much. (again, ideally)

So, the bond between two people who are a part of that same covenant and who are driven by the same foundational love, is like nothing else. It doesn't matter if you are married or not, that doesn't change.

But you never see exes who love and support each other in fiction!!!! I am divorced and I love support and hype my ex every chance I get. People think it is weird as fuck!!! They always ask us why we just aren't together. And I find it SO FUCKING SAD that there doesn't seem to be any template anywhere that tells you that you can do this! When you divorce, you can remain a family in every sense of the word without the marriage.

So, I do love that arrangement of found family because it reflects mine. I don't ever see it in fiction, and I think that's a real shame.

AND that is the arrangement that I personally write Yenralt in fic. Though it's not right for The Witcher canon, (Geralt and Yen is a romantic relationship and should stay so in any official adaptation) it is a relationship that fits very well with that arrangement of found family in fanon. Ciri is the catalyst that changes everything between them in the books.

Yennefer didn't decide to be vulnerable and give everything up for Geralt. They keep breaking up because they are both so traumatized and have such self worth issues. But she did it for Ciri. When she saw a little girl being pursued by a whole world of people trying to take her choice and bodily autonomy from her, Yen reached deeper. And then, the personal growth she gained from being brave and walking away from the lodge, from throwing her body into mortal danger for another human, from cuddling and loving a little girl, that new capacity for vulnerability and strengthened self worth and everything she gained from that, opened up new possibilities in her relationship with Geralt. So I think that fits very well for a relationship bonded by a shared love for a child.

I think, especially in Posada Remix, that people can tell I put my heart into that "loving exes" relationship between Geralt and Yen. It might confuse people (why aren't they just together then) but that's ok. That's the point. Sometimes you can love someone, sometimes they are your family, and the fact that it isn't romantic doesn't take away from it. When you have a nice dough, you can make a cookie, or a pie, or a tart. They are all sweet. It all boils down to love, and isn't that beautiful?

[tussive]

I have a lot of thoughts on this subject and some of them are touchy and I know many of my followers are trans.  I've never really spoken about most of this publicly, but I was just discussing this type of thing with @fresholivesfromtheolivebar and I thought having a place to organize my thoughts and get them out in a hopefully not too rambly/weird and mostly cohesive post.

I used to identify agender/non-binary for a period of time.  I've never identified as "male."  I don't understand men.  I don't get men.  They talk to me and it's like their way of thinking is completely foreign to me.  That isn't to say I'm not male.  I am very much male.  I was raised male.  I am seen as male.  I have been conditioned as  a male (possibly a faggy male lol) my entire life, including now, and that undoubtably affects how I perceive life and shapes my personality.  I've always mostly had women as friends, male friends generally I lost interest in talking to quickly, and I don't typically udnerstand their line of thinking/reasoning to begin with.

That's Colette quote sums it up really well for me.  "“I have nothing to say to men and never had.  Judging from the little time I’ve spent with them, their usual conversation is sickening.  Besides, they bore me.  I believe,” he hesitated, then concluded, “I believe I don’t understand men.”"

I have several male internet friends, but none who I'm especially close to.  We all go months without talking sometimes, but I do enjoy speaking  with them over shared interests.  William is the exception, but we have discussed these things at lengths and he feels almost (or maybe entirely) the same way as I do.  He doesn't really consider himsself "male" either.

I didn't like agender or non-binary or genderfluid or any of that, because I feel like they carry their own impressions that I didn't feel fit me.  When I was younger, I experienced a great deal of gender dysphoria.  I wanted to be born a girl.  Probably because I always got along better with the other girls school.  I spent a lot of time with my grandmother and her female friends.  My step-grandfather was in my life heavily and I loved him dearly, but I never connected with him on the same level I did with my grandmother.

I thought I may be trans when I was younger.  I looked into things, explored options, spoke with trans women and many of them were very pushy about transitioning.  I was under 18 at the time and one person actually threatened me with calling CPS, lying and saying I was abused, so I could go live with another family and could "be who I really was."

That experience put me off becoming trans a lot, if I'm being totally honest.  But also around that time I was questioning gender roles to to begin with.  Why are certain traits, behaviors and interests considered "female" and others are considered "male."  It didn't make sense to me.  So I just said fuck you to gender roles and started doing whatever I wanted and my gender dysphoria went away.  I still have aspects of my body I don't like and wish were different, but I think that's literally every human.  Mine may be based around my sex to a degree and wishing I looked more feminine, but the core of the problem is the same.

I went by  non-binary/agender for a while, but I didn't really love those because I felt like they came with their own implications, so I stil just called myself a male and would say like "male, kind of" or something when someone asked lol.  I generally say I'm straight, but I do find males to be sexually attractive, but I've never met a man who I was able to connect with emotionally on any level even close to resembling romantic attraction.  William is my only close male friend and I love him like a brother, not someone I want to put my dick into.  I know going by like "newer" more specific terms, I'd probably be like "agender/non-binary demisexual heteroromantic."  But I just feel like that is dumb.  I don't think a label needs to perfectly describe you, just give people a rough idea, personally.    

And like, I love trans people.  Let me say here, I do not view any issue with trans people and if they feel transitioning is their best shot at happiness, they should go that.  I am 100% believe in full bodily autonomy, you should be allowed to do anything with it that doesn't hurt someone.  I do think a minority of people have taken things with it too far and have started trying to "cancel" anyone who doesn't perfectly all in line with their idealogy, but the majority of trans people I've meant online and in person are not that, they just want to be happy in their own body.

That being sad, I do think a lot of "TERF" arguments are valid.  I think having spaces specifically for AFAB people is a good thing.  Being born male or female and raised and conditioned that way within a society WILL affect who you are as an adult, even if you were trans then and just didn't really realize it yet.  I like the "3rd gender neutral" bathroom idea, but I think it should go a step further.  Eliminate all multi stall bathrooms.  Every bathroom should be a single bathroom that anyone can use, regardless of sex or gender identity.

That all said, I view trans women as women.  And the above points aren't really fair to them,* I agree totally.  Like that is genuinely so shitty and my heart breaks for trans people who suffer through as much as they do.  It's not fair that it happens.  (Unfortunately a lot of things aren't fair.  Which doesn't mean "SUCK IT UP PUMPKIN" it just means shit is going to suck a lot and learning to roll with it is the best way to have any kind of peace of mind imo.  But I fully empathize.  I am no familiar with gender dysphoria.  And I still wish I was born female.

I just don't think transitioning is right for me because there's NOTHING that stops me from doing whatever I wanna do, wearing whatever I wanna wear, talking how I want to talk, etc as a male that I wouldn't be able to do.  So it doesn't matter all that much.  If other people want to transition, I fully support them and I think it should be easier for people to do so.

I love trans people, not to pull the "I even have some [x] friends!" card but basically every person I talk to regularly is a woman or trans/nb/queen/etc.  I do what I can to support them whenever I can.

I know some of what I said here probably comes across TERF-y, or whatever the male equivalent of that would be.  I don't claim that term, but I've been called it by random trans people online like hundreds of times.

If you feel like I'm a TERF or hate trans people or don't respect you or what you go through, by all means block/unfollow/message me to d iscuss it further.  If you unfollow, I get it, you won't offend me or anything.  Most of this is just me working out/posting my gender identity again because I feel good about it now really.  The trans stuff is just like there to try to add context of why I don't call myself trans.

(Kinda sidenote: honestly I've been calling myself "queer" more and more.  It's vague and doesn't give any specific impression other than "not cis opposite attracted person" and I think that's a good way to describe myself lol.)

Sorry this is long, sorry if this is confusing, I didn't proofread at all and sorry if this upsets you.  I'm happy to talk with you if you are upset about anything or if you just want nothing to do with someone like me, that's totally fine!

Anyway, if you read all of this, I tank you.  I know it's way too long but I just had some thoughts and feelings I felt relevant to things today and wanted to get  them out.

Love you. <3 Marcus

[catfoxwolf]

Hi friends!

I am interrupting your irregularly scheduled comic update to make a post about a thing happening here on my island which is probably quite far away from wherever you are and so unlikely to affect you directly. Still, it's a Thing I have been very anxious and noisy about IRL* so I feel like I ought to tell you about it.

There's a referendum happening on May 25th (THIS FRIDAY!!). A yes vote would mean abortion is at last legalised in the Republic of Ireland, which, and let me very, very, very clear about this, would be an Extremely Good Thing. As I see it, a Yes vote would be an endorsement of three very basic principles that I wish weren't controversial but here we are. Those three basic principles are: 1) women are people 2) a foetus is not the same as a conscious human being 3) you are free to ignore other people's opinions regarding what you do with your own dang body

In general, #2 is the one the anti-choice campaigners tend to latch on to. Arguing with #1 immediately gives them away, hardly anyone does it explicitly. It's easier to tacitly call into question the humanity of women by suggesting they are not to be trusted. #3 anti-choicers tend to deflect by refusing to acknowledge that the moral framework they propose is a matter of opinion, and not fact. So that leaves us with #2. It's an emotive subject because humans as a species are very, very good at storytelling and it's easy, if you're so inclined, to see something at an early stage in its development and play a little movie in your head where you watch it grow up, whether it's an egg hatching or an embryo developing or a little aloe vera plant turning into a beautiful hefty green monster that haunts the bathroom and harbours spiders in its dusty crevices. But the passing of time and the action of various processes is necessary for each of these things to alter its structure, change its nature, and become something other than it is. Potential is beautiful and poetic and the decision may be painful for those or many other reasons but it is fundamentally a personal decision because a turtle egg is not the same as a turtle. A tree is not a chair, a cow is not a handbag, a smile is not an invitation, and a clenched fist is not a punch in the face, which is why I have never been charged with assault after conversing with someone who thinks that reproductive freedom shouldn't be a fundamental human right.

It's not only women that can get pregnant, of course, but misogyny is unequivocally the reason that abortion is illegal and it's the same malevolent force that propped up so much of the old system that I desperately want to believe we're now systematically dismantling on this weird little island. Marriage equality and the gender recognition act were huge symbolic steps. This one's even bigger. So c'mon lads, let's make it happen.

Oh and P.S. - in case anyone feels the need to try and argue this with me, please take a moment to consider that my entire position is predicated on the conviction that unsolicited opinions from outsiders re: bodily autonomy have precisely zero value. Whatever else might or might not be stirring in the private reaches of my bodily tissues - again, not your business - I have not a single solitary atom of interest anywhere in the seething fugue of my being for anything you might have to say on the subject of anyone else’s body. It doesn't matter. You don't matter. Your opinion doesn't matter.

Repeal the eighth.

Love, Quidditas

[more info]

*IRELAND

[sergeant-angels-trashcan]

a good man goes to war

so, in lieu of doing a big long multi-paragraph essay about what was good and bad about “A Good Man Goes To War” I’m just going to bullet point it.

I have....a Lot of thoughts about this episode

the good:

The Last Centurion “I have a message and a question”. The framing of all of this was spectacular. Also, who knows what with the rebooting of the universe, but I’d love it if the Last Centurion was still a legend. I think Amy implies that he still is, which...frankly doesn’t make sense, but Hey! Moffat. Nothing’s going to make sense so I’ll take the fun stuff.

Rory the Roman in general is pretty cool. I mean, I love Rory. Also, now I’m thinking that he’s the one who taught Amy to use swords, since she seems to know what she’s doing in the pirate episode? Unless she was just taking fencing on her own who knows. (i love the headcanon that Rory worshiped/still prays to Fortuna occasionally)

Madam Vastra and Jenny! they might not be as well written as they should be in later episodes, but this introduction to them is fab

“A Sontaran nurse?” God. THAT is great. to be on a field of battle but unable to participate? I can unreservedly say that’s brilliant. Strax is great, like even his bedside manner is good but also keeping in character with a Sontaran soldier?

The light in River’s eyes when she tells her pops it’s her birthday, before she knows it’s Demon’s Run. She’s just!!! A kid!! excited to see her parent!!! not that we know that, of course, but still. This is one of those episodes where Alex Kingston’s talent really shines through.

sidenote: this is one of the few (only?) River episodes I can think of that didn’t revolve around her romantic relationship with the Doctor, and frames her more with Rory and Amy, which is fantastic. You can tell she’s remembering all those times she cried for her mummy and daddy and all she had was Kovarian but now she gets her parents and it’s. Good but awful.

and then the way her face falls when Rory says “they’ve taken Amy and our baby” like!! That’s her mom and River knows what comes next, her fucking terrible childhood and she just maybe wants her dad now? 

“this is the day he finds out who I am” which is why River can’t be there til the end...I’m assuming this is because Moffat is finally observing the basic rules of not interacting with your own time stream (a rule which apparently doesn't apply to Amy?)

the prayer leaf is lovely

“don’t slump, it’s bad for your spine,” Says the Sontaran nurse, whilst holding a gun on you. bless

“good men have no rules. this is not the day to find out why i have so many.” this is a much more sinister version of the Tin Man in the Wizard of Oz, who says that since he hasn’t a heart he must take care to never harm anything or hurt anyone because he wouldn’t feel remorse. I do like this. The Doctor isn’t always Good. The Doctor sometimes has to try very hard to be good, and I’m all right with that

Rory and Amy crying at each other. Nurse Rory checking his daughter to make sure she’s okay

(”let the others die first” is funny, very Amy, and seems like a believable response to everything Amy’s been through)

Honestly....the caliber of acting in this episode is off the charts, particularly in the last ten minutes and specifically with Karen and Arthur. Amy and Rory’s devastation and then numbness is just heartbreaking. And the way they’re almost disgusted with the Doctor--he told them to trust him, and look what happened

The moment with Rory and Strax is just great. Honestly, this episode has a lot of good emotionally-vulnerable-but-not-letting-it-slow-him-down moments for Rory

this is one of the first times the Doctor says he’s so sorry, and you can tell--you can just tell that for Amy, sorry isn’t enough

the bad:

the slightly ambiguous opening where you’re like “ohhhhhh DAMN the baby is the Doctor’s” like. that’s unnecessary.

the headless monks--mostly just the forced volunteering of personnel to join a religious order. paired with the rampant loss of bodily autonomy in this collection of episodes, a gay man being forced into religious reconditioning and bodily harm is...not great. might not be as noticeable in a different context but in this episode? yeah. not good

“the Doctor’s darkest hour” ok so....Moffat just really ignores the Waters of Mars. I remember him downplaying Ten’s struggles in the 50th as well. Am I arguing that this is not a truly terrible moment for the Doctor? No. But he’s not threatening to become the literal worst version of himself by making himself a god, so. 

“this is the day he finds out who I am” also goes here because...did he know who she was when he took her ice skating earlier? I get so confused about when the Doctor knows things and how River knows if he knows and if they know that’s great, but I, as a viewer, would also like to know

the headless monks have robes and laser swords so...they’re sith. they’re literally just headless Sith Lords

this is, I think, the first time we’ve seen the Doctor this cruel to his enemies? We’ve seen hints of it, certainly, with Ten and Harriet Jones and Ten and the spider star lady, but this is, as i’ve said before, a different temperature. Where Ten’s anger was fire, Eleven’s is ice

Amy and Rory haven’t see each other in almost a year....let them hug

ok so...I remember when Martha was cloned, and the clone smelled bad? and the the Doctor smells Melody and Amy...you’d think something like that would. you know, mean something. 

ok, props to the show for reminding us that the Time Lords only became such after millions of years of exposure to the untempered schism, and Madam Vastra brings up good points about how that would affect humans during conception, but like...it’s still a bit eh. Melody being conceived next to the Time Vortex suddenly makes her a Time Lord, or at least mostly-Gallifreyan? Okay, then, so Rose, in swallowing the Time Vortex, is definitely capable of regeneration and Idris might have been if her body had survived. Thanks for the new canon, Moff!

I’d honestly buy Melody being a Time Baby if she’d developed in utero on the TARDIS. More exposure to the vortex. But the implication is basically that they waited for Amy to get pregnant and then immediately kidnapped her. Which also means they were scanning her, waiting for her to get pregnant. Gross.

the moment the Doctor looks at River, realizing who she is is wonderful, it’s heartwarming, but it’s also, for me, undermined by the fact that he’s not just...happy to meet his best friends child, but that she’s his sort-of-girlfriend?

the absolutely appalling:

Amy is a literal hostage of a group of people who literally just wanted her for her babymaking abilities 

repeated use of “guys” by a military commander addressing his troops

The Doctor not remembering Lorna. Bullshit. I suppose this could feed into a greater narrative about how unconcerned the Doctor is with Little People, idk, but it seems fairly out of tune for the Doctor as a whole

The Doctor’s reaction to finding out Melody is River is, to me, weird. Like, when you find out you’ve been dating/making out/??? with your best friend’s kid, wouldn’t that give you pause? For just a moment? 

“I know where to find your daughter, and on my life she will be safe.” Unless he’s talking about adult River in the Stormcage, this makes me incredibly angry. because the next thing we find out is that the Doctor didn’t find her, didn’t make sure she was safe because she was being brainwashed into a child assassin. Again, like with Ganger!Amy, if he knew but didn’t do anything, that’s not okay. that’s worse. 

River says he finds her and keeps her safe but....when? I mean, isn’t the ideal time for that before she tries to kill you and gets jailed for it???? 

he then just leaves his incredibly traumatized best friend all alone in the place she was held hostage, leaving her grown daughter to explain that she’s Amy’s baby....jerk move

also, he supposedly leaves to find River, doesn’t reach out to Amy and Rory, and still doesn’t find River. You can talk, if you want, about how he can’t change his past or River’s past or timelines or what-have-you, except that this is the Doctor and these are his friends, and the only reason Amy and Rory don’t get to raise her is so that she can wind up dating and marrying the Doctor and maybe it’s somehow less weird if he’s not in her life when she’s a child?

There’s really no reason for the Doctor to not be able to rescue River

Except, of course, the idea that what makes a female character “strong” is how much you can make them suffer and still live, I suppose

the surprisingly great:

when River is dressing down the Doctor about what he does, about how he instills fear in people and then those people banded together and kidnapped a child that they’d turn into a weapon just to defeat him, I had the unexpected reaction of DRAG HIM BABE.

because the Doctor only knowing what he knows, he’s right to be angry at this person who he asked for help and who did not give it

but River is also very much in the right since she was kidnapped, brainwashed, probably emotionally abused because people were afraid of him and wanted to kill him. She’s right because he promises her parent’s that she’ll be fine, and yet. And yet she still goes through all of that. She still misses out on being raised in a loving home, surrounded by people who care for her

so yeah

DRAG HIS ASS, RIVER

the music. not surprising, but still fantastic. River’s theme is beautiful and haunting and still my fave

[toralyzer]

apparently there was this series of personal writing prompts for autism acceptance month that i missed, but i decided to do them all now cause i like talking about myself. http://doingcollegedisabled.tumblr.com/post/159842938764/30-days-of-autism-acceptance

Day 1.     Make yourself known.

I’m Amanda I’m 19! I was professionally diagnosed at a young age but by the time they told me I already long since knew I was weird.

Day 2.     Talk about passing and/or being out.

I’d be open about it I think but it hasn’t come up many times. I guess I did work really hard growing up to be able to pass as allistic though. Oh... I’m not sure if that’s ever caused burnout!

Day 3.     Talk about relationships, both platonic and romantic. 

Yeah as a kid I had a hard time making friends but now I’m a lot better at being sociable - in the allistic way I guess. But now lots of my friends are proudly autistic anyway!

Day 4.     Talk about your family and support. 

I think my family was fine about it. Unless in fact my trauma comes from them dealing with my autism badly. It’s unknown.

Day 5.     Talk about employment and your career. 

Yeah I gotta get one of those...

Day 6.     Talk about music, art, writing, and other forms of creativity. 

Yeah I do that stuff! I’m really creative. Sometimes I think about autistic themes but I don’t think I know what they would be, I think I have too many bad depictions internalized. Sometime I wanna do something with the changeling comparison though...

Day 7.     Talk about community. 

I guess I’m really not out as autistic anywhere ‘cause I pass well. So idk. And I’m not in any communities of autistic people.

Day 8.     Talk about traditional media. 

I think as a kid, media depictions gave me this horrible sense of condescending superiority toward myself and added to my complexes of not listening to my feelings. It’s like, you get these books that put you outside the autistic kid to laugh at his misunderstanding things, and I think then I felt like any sincere expression of my own feelings and thoughts was an immature misunderstanding and worthy of shame.

Day 9.     Talk about Autism Speaks.

Ya, fuck them.

And/or  Talk about special interests.

Damn I’m not sure if I’ve had a special interest lately? I guess some things I’ve been constantly thinking about lately are, um, Sports Anime RPG and my Zimmy fanfic. Okay so Sports Anime RPG is a roleplaying game I’m making based on sports animes even though I haven’t actually seen many but I thought it was a cool idea. It’s split into two sections, one is for the sports games and you can swap out different rulesets for different sports, and in general it’s focused on strategy and mechanics, similar to traditional RPG battles. The other is more freeform roleplay for the story outside sports matches, with light skill checks that are mostly social-based. And there are friendship mechanics where you can build friendships with other characters and get friendship abilities that you can use in either mode! And then the Zimmy story is this fanfiction idea that I always come back to when I feel really fucked up in my head - the premise is basically to throw together all the most viscerally upsetting surreal gore and horror set pieces I can think of, in the context of Zimmy from Gunnerkrigg Court’s reality warping getting set off bad. I’m a little frustrated because I can’t figure out how to express how much I love Zimmy and want to save her but also address how abusive she is.

Day 10. Talk about a cure. 

It’s a divergence not an illness so it wouldn’t be a cure so much as just mental modification. And no that would be really evil for other people to be able to make us allistic

And/Or  Talk about stimming. 

Yeah I like stim toys sometimes. I have a bracelet of rainbow stars and a thing of rainbow blocks you can put in different shapes and a fidget cube. I think a bigger thing for me though is that if I’m listening to a podcast or so I need to play a video game that uses my hands but not my listening brain. When I do that it can be the most fulfilling and engaging activity ever. Watching video fills my attention too much to do a simultaneous activity but not enough to keep me from being distracted so it’s not as easy for me.

Day 11. Talk about sensory issues. 

When I was a kid I only wore shorts all the time. Now I’m hugely self-conscious about it and I’ll never wear male shorts again. Yeah, I guess there are various sensory things I have a problem with... It’s not too intrusive to my life though.

Day 12. Talk about ableism. 

I don’t think I’ve got any stories here. I’ve never been targeted directly.

Day 13. Talk about something funny. 

“Has anything humorous or ironic ever happened to you because you were autistic?“ Haha probably not anything I’d want to joke about!

Day 14. Talk about role models. 

Uhhhh I’m not sure I know any autistic role models. Sometimes there are tumblr users who are vocally autistic who seem cool. Role models in general? I was saying the other day, I used to have a list of people I wanted to be like, but several of them have since become my enemies, so. Yeah, I think every celebrity disappoints you eventually. The last person about whom I thought “well, at least so far, this person seems really good and kind and a cool artistic inspiration” was... Rebecca Sugar.

Day 15. Talk about identity. 

I was diagnosed with aspergers but later I learned that’s just a subset of autism now. I like autistic better.

Day 16. Talk about treatment. 

I haven’t done any that I can really remember. I should go to therapy though. Like in general.

Day 17. Talk about empathy. 

I guess usually I have more sympathy than empathy for people? But sometimes when my girlfriend does a kind of cutesy sad voice as a joke I get some kind of weird hyper empathy and get really sad.

Day 18. Talk about functioning labels. 

I hear those are bad. I would probably be on the higher functioning side but yeah, those seem like a bad idea because they describe how well society is ready to engage with us as if it was our own success or failure.

Day 19. Talk about your struggles and strengths. 

I don’t really know which of those are because of autism or not and I’m self-conscious about finding out because I spent so long trying to learn to be “normal”. On the other hand sometimes it feels like it’ll turn out that autistic traits just account for my whole personality.

Day 20. Talk about communication. 

I’m verbal, sometimes I like when I can communicate in other ways though, like when I can get something across with quick hand signs.

Day 21. Talk about comorbid conditions.

Well I’m not sure about any of those and I don’t think I’ll speculate here to make sure I don’t appropriate anything.

Day 22. Talk about autism parents. 

Wow fuck them! Yeah I was just reading about #BoycottToSiri. People who abuse their kids because they can’t fathom trying to interact and listen to them to understand what they really need and instead go to great lengths to train them like animals into simulating “normality” should die.

Day 23. Talk about your living situation. 

I have a roommate who I know enjoys being able to stay in their room without ever encountering a single allistic or cis person. ^u^

Day 24. Talk about the stereotypes and misconceptions that neurotypicals and allistics have. 

Luckily I haven’t encountered it much in person but I know people see us as a young boy with a slightly distant expression with a single savant skill but also enough tragic disconnection from the rest of humanity that they can safely feel intellectually superior. Wow now that I think about this it’s actually this really unique way of viewing a person where they feel that the stereotypical expression shows that this child doesn’t really exist outside of his mysterious, unknowable brain and therefore all of his personal space and bodily autonomy is up for grabs. It’s really unsettling how autistic bodies in media are dehumanized into dolls because the portrayer is so obsessed with emphasizing this perceived unbreachable distance between the subject and the human observers.

Day 25. Talk about meltdowns/shutdowns. 

Kinda had one earlier because academic research is so frustrating. I think work pressure like that is the usual cause, other than social overload.

Day 26. Talk about echolalia and scripting. 

Yeah I don’t use really specific scripts for most things now, but when it comes to formal things like phone calls I do really need to work out my full sentence before I start.

Day 27. Talk about eye-contact. 

I think I’m pretty okay with eye contact? I don’t think I give people the wrong signals? This always makes me self-conscious X(

Day 28. Talk about autism as a disability.

It’s not a disability ‘cause it’s just different, right? Or are there aspects that strictly make things harder? I don’t really know...

Day 29. Talk about executive functioning.

IT’S DEFINITELY AN ISSUE.

Day 30. Talk with pride. 

“Are you proud to be autistic?” Yeah definitely!!! “How do you show the world your pride?” Oh. Hm...

[undothedamage-blog]

Dear Parents

Hi. How ya doing? Being a parent is weird and hard and rewarding, right? That’s been my experience anyhow. Most of us are trying to do the best we can. There’s a lot expected of us. There’s a lot of pressure in raising a tiny human without fucking up. And I hate to add to your growing list of duties and concerns and necessary steps in raising a happy, healthy person but there’s something really important you need to do.

Teach your children what abuse looks like.

Now, the hardest part about doing that is actually going to be learning yourself what abuse looks like.

“I know what abuse is!” you say.

Sorry. You probably don’t. Statistically speaking, I’m more likely addressing somebody on the other side of the screen that hasn’t been properly educated on the realities of abuse. We’re fed a lot of myths about abuse. You don’t have to be ashamed because society failed to teach you right. It’s not your fault, but it is your responsibility to correct that error now.

I would suggest you sit down with a copy of Why Does He Do That? (my favorite book so far on the topic written by one of the world’s foremost experts). I know, I know. You’re busy. You’re stretched thin. You probably already lack time to read for pleasure as much as you did before you have kids and now some rando on the internet is assigning you fucking homework? But trust me, it’s worth it.

After that, teach your kids. Teach them what abuse looks like. Teach your sons especially what constitutes abuse and that there is no excuse to justify it and that they alone are responsible for their actions.

How?

There’s lots of ways (and a lot depends on their age). But here’s a list of suggestions:

Don’t ever force your children to hug or kiss someone if they don’t want to, not even Grandma, not even YOU. This teaches them bodily autonomy and that not even loved ones are entitled to violate their boundaries.

Make comments or ask questions about media you consume together to get them to think critically about the ideas presented to them. This might mean saying “hmmm, I wonder why there are so few girls in this movie.” or asking “How do you think [character a] felt when [character b] wouldn’t take no for an answer?” This can be a hard step because you’ll need to train yourself to spot problematic content in the first place. And I’m not saying you can’t watch anything problematic (you might as well give up TV altogether). Just challenge your kids to think about what they see. i.e. If you’re watching Batman the Animated Series you could say “I really don’t like the way Joker treats Harley Quinn. Do you think she deserves that?”

Acquire (whether by purchasing or borrowing from a library) positive representation of women and relationships for your children including (and perhaps especially) your sons. The publishing and media industries only market girl-centric stories to female audiences which contributes to boys growing up learning that stories and the world revolve around them. They also tend to only push media that deals with interpersonal relations and emotions on girls, leaving boys with action and violence heavy stories. This can send the message that empathy and emotional labor is for girls.

Talk to them, especially older kids and teenagers, particularly when they reach dating age. Invite them to ask questions and talk about their opinions about abuse to get them engaged in the conversation rather than simply lecturing. Take advantage of a captive audience (riding in the car for example) and teach them little bits here and there on a regular basis.

Respect your children and allow them reasonable control over their own lives. I’m not saying you should let your kid decide, “nah, I hate shots. I’m skipping my vaccinations.” But you should definitely give them the power of choice as often as you can. Maybe that means letting them dropping soccer for theatre or picking between two options for dinner’s side veggie. The important thing is they are raised in an environment that doesn’t predispose them to accepting total control from someone else.

Model healthy relationship dynamics in your own romantic relationship if you have one. This is especially important for dads. Even if you’re not abusive, you may engage in behavior that is based on the same underlying attitudes and entitlement that fuels abuse because society has taught you that it’s all right. It’s on YOU and you alone to recognize and fix that. 

Set hard and fast rules in your home regarding respect of women. Don’t allow your kids, especially your sons, to use misogynist language (shut down anything that labels women as inherently crazy or inferior, don’t condone the use of words like bitch or cunt, etc.). And no matter how awkward you feel, make sure you talk to them about the unrealistic and misogynist aspects of most pornography (when age appropriate).

Learn and utilize appropriate parenting tools especially regarding punishment vs. consequence, assertive vs. authoritarian parenting, and similar issues to avoid falling into abusive parenting patterns. How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk, Siblings Without Rivalry, Unconditional Parenting, and many other wonderful books will help you raise emotionally healthy kids with strong self esteem. Remember, there is no shame in seeking education to learn to how parent. It’s a skill like any other and nobody is born knowing how to do it right. But the old joke about wishing there was a parenting manual handed out when you have a baby? It’s only half true. There’s plenty of quality manuals (and unfortunately some shit ones too, so watch out). But you have to go get them yourself.

Insist the men and boys in your household participate equally in housework. To do otherwise reinforces the idea that men are entitled to have women take care of even their most basics needs (like a clean home or clean laundry or food to eat). Teaching your daughters to do an oil change and use a power drill is wonderful and great and you should do that too. But it’s arguably even more important to make sure you teach your sons not only how to clean, cook, manage a budget, do the grocery shopping, care for babies, etc. but that is expected of them just as much as it is of any woman.

Insist upon comprehensive sex ed programs that cover topics of consent, bodily autonomy, respect, and partner abuse. If your local schools don’t provide them, check for community offerings (the O.W.L. program offered at many Unitarian Churches is one such program and don’t worry, it’s secular). If there’s nothing available, take it into your own hands. Talk to your kids about this stuff and provide them appropriate books and resources on the topic.

Do your best. You won’t be perfect. No parent ever is. But if you try and if you never give up, you’ll more than likely succeed in raising kids that not only aren’t abusive, but that will not be drawn into an abusive relationship.

That said...

If you have teen or adult children you may very well face a situation in which they have either been abused, or accused of abusing someone else. What do you do then? Well, that first book I mentioned (Why Does He Do That?) lays out in detail exactly what family members should and shouldn’t do in these situations. But I’ll give you a quick and dirty summary:

If your child is facing abuse:

Believe them. And don’t blame them.

Don’t pressure them. Don’t pressure them to give their abuser another chance NOR should you pressure them to leave their abuser.

Listen to their needs and offer your support.

Give them the respect that their abuser won’t.

Get yourself support so that you can vent your sorrows and concerns to somebody else instead of burdening the abuse victim with comforting you.

When possible, and only if the victim agrees, offer practical support (such as paying for her to go to therapy, driving her to appointments, etc.).

If you child has been accused of abuse:

Believe the victim. Chances are they are telling the truth. When your child makes excuses for their behavior or tries to downplay it, press them on it for details and to describe what they think is their partner’s point of view on the matter. This will often reveal that they are exaggerating and/or lying and that they have not been honestly listening to or empathizing with their partner. Then make sure to talk to the victim and get her side of the story.

Do not make excuses for your child. Do not ask the victim to forgive them or give them another chance. Make it clear to your child that you will not participate in talk in which their victim is blamed or dehumanized or otherwise insulted.

Make it clear that you expect your child to get into a reputable abuser program (Lundy Bancroft describes what to look for to make sure it’s a good program in his book). Do not tell them to go to therapy or couple’s therapy. Only a program designed to address abuse will do any good and even then, only if the abuser chooses to do the long, hard work of changing. Conventional therapy can often make the situation even worse.

And in either case, avoid provoking the abuser. Chances are the abuser will take it out on their victim in private rather than risk damage to their reputation with you by lashing out at you.