#yeah i just. need to rest right now
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nothing new today, sorry everyone. i had a very mentally exhausting day and only want to snuggle with Foul Legacy right now, so send brainrot please
#genshin impact#childe#tartaglia#gi ajax#foul legacy#foul legacy childe#genshin tartagalia#genshin childe#genshin tartaglia#hush n shush wifi#just a tad sad#wifi demands talk#yeah i just. need to rest right now#this morning wasn't all that great#it's a bit better now but i'm still feeling a bit shaky#i'll be back tomorrow!#i promise i'll delete this later *sits on the ground*#to the people who have sent me stuff: thank you you're all amazing
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It’s finally done, guys – five whole pages of Narilamb AU comic AND MORE be upon you! (If you have trouble reading any of the text, view the full-size! These pages are huge!)
Yeesh, this took forever. <:)
There’s probably a ton of inconsistencies and anatomy/perspective wonkeries, but this was mostly just comic practice, so Oh Hekkin Well, Lol <:D
(Yes, I am aware the Gateway’s door isn’t present in the Afterlife, and the actual way in is just a pentagram portal. Yes, I put the door in there anyway because Artistic License, i.e. it felt more impactful for there to be a prison door of sorts to walk through to freedom, rather than just a bland boring portal on the ground. 😠)
anyway, i hate backgrounds so much lmao
Alternate ending and a buttload of bonus art under the cut, followed by goofy AU rambles and headcanon stuff:
I’m calling it the Revival AU. It’s not all that creative a title, and someone else has probably used it already, but I am too lazy to really care, LOL
Alternate ending page, which you will Definitely need to view the full-size for, Whoopsie Daisy:
The alternate ending was actually the first ending I finished things off with, because I had a brief badbrain moment where I forgot the emotional beat I initially wanted the comic to end on, and I tend to write comedy, anyway. I later remembered and drew out the proper ending, but I preserved and finished this one, too, because it still makes me giggle.
They had to go back for the followers off-screen in the AU’s real ending. And by ‘they’ I mean just the Lamb, because they weren’t about to ask three newly freed cats to go back into what used to be their prison. The Lamb DID spend some time watching Narinder and the bois enjoying the outdoors first, though:
In other news, here’s the Lamb and me making fun of my anatomy-drawing ‘skills’:
Meanwhile, if you’re wondering why the Lamb is just a-okay with how things went down vis a vis Their Murder, this bonus comic should answer at least some of your questions:
Ah, yes, also this is how they get engaged outside of the alternate ending. Forgot to mention that bit. XD (I already refuse to believe that Narinder is capable of flirting normally, so why would his initial marriage proposal be any better???)
Oh, and before any of them get a chance to actually head back to the cult grounds, there is one potential problem:
And by ‘problem’ I mean something Narinder intends to ignore for At Minimum a thousand years. Cuz he’s a petty bitch like that. :D
what do you mean i drew the lamb too tall compared to the background? clearly they’re standing on top of baal and aym lmao, why else would you think those two aren’t in this one??? (aym and baal got way too excited about finally being outside, you see, and their silly modes are nothing to sneeze at)
And, speaking of heading back to the cult grounds, I’m sure y’all would love to know how the Lamb’s followers felt about the brand new change in management:
It all went better than expected. <:D Tiny ramble now, feel free to skip down to the next comic.
Before you ask, no, the Lamb does not have any actual powers anymore, other than the immortality Narinder definitely grants them. The Red Crown just thinks it’s funny to suggest otherwise, and Narinder does nothing to discourage this. Also, the Lamb and Narinder aren’t actually married here yet, but, uh. Pretty safe to say that particular ritual directly follows the events of this comic. XD
Given how quickly he mellows out in canon, Narinder probably chills out a lot in this AU once he’s in charge of the cult, too, if only because 1.) He’s finally free, and 2.) He’s equally smitten with and distracted by the Lamb. He’s definitely in charge at least 95% of the time, though, because the Lamb never actually wanted to be a cult leader and, now that their time as a vessel is done, they just want to be a normal(ish) sheep who’s wholly devoted to their hot new divine husband.
Some followers do still have some valid concerns about these two being together, though, which I’m sure at least a few of you might share…
Unfortunately for any such concerns, the Lamb is a bonafide masochist in this AU. :D
They’re also 100% a sub, obviously
Anyone at all: Your relationship is problematic and potentially toxic
The Lamb: fuck yeah it is, it’s so hot~ OuO
Here’s just the last panel, made transparent for whatever nefarious purposes y’all might have for it:
Additional exchange Narinder and the Lamb have at some point, probably after the Lamb does a fatal whoopsie while out on a mission trip or in response to things getting a little too sadistic in the bedroom, ahaha:
Look, there is a very important distinction between life and death, and if you don’t understand that, then you’re probably not worthy of being the God of Death, anyway. (At least, according to Narinder, and ONLY Narinder.)
Last but not least, have these shittens:
~Such creative naming conventions I have utilized, lololol~ :D Anyway, there's a few deets on them in the rambles down below.
The rest is all ramble, so before I get to that, I’ll just say – likes and especially reblogs are very much appreciated!!! :D If you happen to really really REALLY like my stuff, meanwhile, I do have a link in my bio to my ko-fi page, where I’m accepting commissions and donations if you’re especially generous… ÓuÒ
Now, BE FREE IF YOU AIN’T DOWN FOR READING MY GOOFY RAMBLES
First ramble is re: Baal’s question of ‘Did it really work?’, since I didn’t feel like expanding on it in the comic proper, and it’s arguably pretty vague? He doesn’t ask because he doubts Narinder or his capabilities, exactly, but because neither Baal nor Aym have ever actually seen their god at full power before (he’s still technically not at full power here, either). It’s not expressly stated how soon the brothers were brought to Narinder after his imprisonment, but whether it was early on or after a length of time for Shamura to (somewhat) recover from his attack, he must have already been weakened, since I have no doubts that there was a huge battle that accompanied the Bishops working together to trap him. So, between that fight with all four of his siblings, sharing his power with a variety of vessels over time, and being chained immobile for a thousand years, he must have been severely weakened by the time he lent the Red Crown out to the Lamb, which would have only weakened him further.
I like to think this is how the Lamb is able to defeat him if they refuse to be sacrificed, despite how it took all four Bishops working together to subdue and chain Narinder in the first place.
All that aside, the three cats have been trapped in the Afterlife for so long that Baal also wanted verbal reassurance that they are all, indeed, actually able to leave it now – something that I headcanon isn’t possible without a significant amount of power (i.e. the Red Crown’s cooperation with its bearer/vessel).
(On a semi-related note, I don’t headcanon Aym and Baal as twins. I like sweetheart big bro Baal and snarky little goth bro Aym too much to have them be that close in age.)
Ah, teeny thing: If you noticed I switched up the art style for Narinder on the second page, that was intentional. It's sort of a visual indicator that there has been a Big Change for him - that being, how much power he has after sacrificing the Lamb. As for why I changed up his arms in the grass rollin' pic, I don't really subscribe to the notion that his arms are spooky bones because they're horrifically injured (beyond chain-chafing scars, that is), but rather just because he's the Bishop of Death, so he can change how normal-to-spooky they look at will. At some point I might doodle out how I imagine his appearance to range between least to most eldritch... 🤔
Next ramble, regarding Narinder’s feelings towards the Lamb...he was initially too focused on being freed from his imprisonment to form any real attachment to them. They were a tool for his use, first and foremost, but he did notice their intense devotion towards him. It was impossible not to notice, because the Lamb was always very happy to see him, even if it was because they died during a crusade (yet again). He wasn’t originally planning to revive them once he was freed, either, because he saw no real point to it – after all, they were already dead when they first met him, just as any other mortal would be when meeting him in the Afterlife, so death has very little real consequence in his eyes. But, once the chains were off, and it really sank in that he stood to lose the most devoted follower he’s ever had, he decided…why put their soul to rest for good or leave them stuck in the Afterlife when he could just as easily revive them again? And why not reward them for their hard work, anyway? Not only would it cost him nothing by comparison, but the future devotion that could come of it would surely make up for his (bare minimum) effort in reviving them.
He wasn’t expecting to get a full dose of that devotion and a smiling face so soon after killing them, though~ :3c (because the Lamb is a bonafide freak, and not-so-secretly into the fucked up power dynamics going on here, lol)
I should mention here that I am firmly of the belief that any non-god/vessel who crosses through the Gateway and into the Afterlife just straight up dies. So, Aym and Baal? Also straight up dead, from the second Shamura brought them through. Their souls were just never put to rest so that Narinder could have some company – if only according to Shamura. Narinder kept the two around mostly out of bewilderment, because honestly, who are these kittens, and what is Shamura’s game here, anyway??? They never even explained anything, they just tossed these kittens into the Afterlife and LEFT!!! At any rate, Aym and Baal being dead is how I explain why their souls apparently become lost in the void if they’re killed, along with the added complications required to revive the two because of it.
So, with those deets in mind, and given a bit of time, if Narinder hadn’t chosen to revive the Lamb, and also hadn’t chosen to put their soul to rest, they still would have woken up at some point, despite being as straight up dead as Aym and Baal. Who, don’t worry, were also properly revived while Narinder was waiting for the Lamb to wake up. Because I am also firmly of the belief that, first, the dead cannot leave the Afterlife without the use of a ritual/relic (and can't stay in the living world for long regardless), and second, dead followers’ devotion isn’t anywhere near as potent as that of the living, given how much more the living stand to lose.
Final ramble, regarding the Lamb’s feelings towards Narinder, and why they’re so devoted to him…
Well, you don’t spend most of your life on the run with your steadily-dwindling herd, trying to evade the ongoing genocide of your species, without becoming a little fucked up in the head. Maybe a lot fucked up in the head. Life is suffering, so might as well have fun with it, right? Maybe start finding death and pain to be kind of hilarious, even a little bit hot, once everyone you know and love is dead and gone, leaving you all alone? And maybe after that, there’s something comforting in how, despite the cold, cruel uncertainties of life, at least you can always count on the inevitability of death, patiently waiting for you until your very last breath? Who knows. Either way, as soon as the Lamb was killed, and they learned that the literal God of Death was offering them a second chance at life and vengeance via effective immortality, they were 100% ride-or-die-devoted all at once. Turns out death is kinder than life – go figure. (Of course, it helps that Narinder is 100% their type.)
They weren’t put off by Narinder’s thinly-veiled sadism or manipulations, either – they’re not too different in those regards, albeit opting for vastly different methods. It’s a very ‘two sides of the same coin’ sort of deal. In order to stay alive once they were made the last of their kind, the Lamb had no qualms with using others to their advantage, and that did not change once they were revived and expected to run a cult. They didn’t care for the position of authority, though – being a sheep and all, they’re much more of a follower than a leader, and thus greatly appreciated Narinder’s need for control. With how they had to keep on their toes for so long, the Lamb was also pretty good at reading people by the time they died, so they could recognize that a lot of Narinder’s posturing was just that – posturing. Dude’s 95% bluster and only 5% bite. He could obviously be vicious when he wanted or needed to (the Bishops' injuries were clear proof of that), but underneath his outer layer of cruelty was a generous layer of tsundere, and underneath all THAT was a soft squishy middle sibling velcro cat in desperate need of attention and affection.
(Which, for the record, he Did Not feel comfortable getting from Aym and Baal – Narinder still has no idea why the fuck Shamura sent them to him, beyond acting as keepers at best or trying to sabotage his attempts to escape at worst. Which, he thought HE sabotaged in turn, by guiding the kittens into being his devoted disciples instead. He thought he was very clever for it. ‘I outsmarted Shamura!’ he thought, despite that there was never anything there to outsmart. ‘What do you mean, Shamura sent your kittens to me for company?’ he demands of Forneus later. It may or may not lead him to pull Shamura out of Purgatory just so he can shake them and scream about how they should have Fucking Explained that!!!)
But, getting back on track as to why the Lamb was so willing to be sacrificed, I cannot stress this enough – if you pay even a minimal amount of attention to what he’s saying, Narinder is REALLY NOT SUBTLE about his intentions. ‘Death is of little consequence.’ ‘Followers are for you to use to your advantage.’ ‘Sacrifice a follower to absorb more power.’ So, yeah, the Lamb knew exactly what would be expected of them once the other Bishops were dead. They knew Narinder would expect them to die for him one last time. But, after all, death is of little consequence (not to mention hot), so when the time came, they wanted to see him freed, even if it meant oblivion for them in the end.
He’d given them a second life, and the ability to avenge their kin, and they felt indebted to him for that – so, while they were still pretty glum about the possibility that they might not get to see him free of his chains, nothing beyond their devotion and debt to him mattered. They never wanted all the drama and expectations that came with the Red Crown’s power, anyway, so, better for Narinder to have it back so that he could deal with it. What he did with the Lamb afterward would be up to him, and seeing as he was their god, they’d accept his decision gladly.
Were they in love with him by that point? Oh, obsessively so, but only in the devotional sense – romance was nowhere on their mind nor radar. That is, until he unexpectedly revived them again, told them he still needed them, and then offered down his hand to help them up.
The Lamb fell HARD for him in that moment. :3c
And now, a tiny shitten ramble. Lu and Li are twins, because sheep tend to have those a lot, and are conceived not long after the Lamb and Narinder’s marriage ceremony. Lu is the minutes older one, but Li is much more mature. I have put no further thought into these two, other than that they are utter menaces, birthed by the Lamb, cling hard to both their parents but especially Narinder (who spoils them rotten), and they are both genderfluid, using whichever pronouns/names they feel like at any given time. They are also both intersex, same as the Lamb, who was initially infertile up until Something Something Vague Magic, which I have also put no further thought into ¯\_(シ)_/¯
oh, and before anyone tries to suggest i headcanon this AU’s lamb as trending more female due to them giving birth or whatever, no, no, a thousand times no, they might have a vag, but they've also got a dick, and even if it's not as big as they'd like, they still know how to use it
Finally, the very tentative name for the Lamb in this AU is Yazdi, which is really just another name for the Baluchi breed of sheep XD (Not that the Lamb is this specific breed, I just didn’t like any of the other sheep-related names I found, ahaha...)
THAT’S ALL FOR NOW (collapses into an exhausted pile of goopy limbs)
#fanart#comics#cult of the lamb#cotl#narilamb#cotl lamb#cotl narinder#cotl shitten#cotl mystic seller#cotl aym#cotl baal#aym and baal#this is why i have been especially quiet lately XD#even just the bonus stuff took several days to finish because i don't know the meaning of DOODLE anymore apparently#everything must be fully inked and colored with backgrounds I Fukken Guess#at least using medibang's sumi brush keeps me from focusing on making my lines perfect :\#and yeah i copy-pasta'd a lot of my own backgrounds don't at me bro#if you're on desktop and want to full view but don't know how: right click the image - open in new tab - zoom in as needed :)#feel free to ask questions about the AU if you want - but uh - this is basically the extent to which i've thought it through LOL#edit: oh right - aym and baal really out there assuming narinder already put the lamb's soul to rest so the body's just fodder now lmao#last edit i hope: fixed the transparent cult certified freak image 8|#nope - one more edit: there is one (1) loophole for how living mortals can be in the afterlife without dying#that loophole is currently narinder XD#'sorry universe but the god of death says i can be in here so back off with your rules and regulations'
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Get Their Ass.
[First] Prev <–-> Next
#poorly drawn mdzs#mdzs#wei wuxian#jin ling#jin chan#Yeah that's right. This guy is a named character. All those nameless disciples in the yi city arc and *this* guy gets a name.#Jin ling finally gets his much needed outfit upgrade! Rest in peace double straps.#I adore how we get to keep learning about Jin Ling and peeling back the layers on him...It's also so sad to see him so alone and friendless#especially knowing he really was starting to build peer friendships in the yi city arc...#Jin ling really is one of my top 5 characters in MDZS and its absolutely in part because of how you can *see* how he ended up this way#and we watch him learn and grow! He's doing what most adults refuse to do: Consider that his opinions are skewed and need to change.#You are NOT immune to propaganda and I adore characters who reflect and struggle with that!#Just because someone with assumed authority says something that fits into what you want to be true does not make it true B*/#In this series about rumours and warped perspectives - Jin Ling is a great example of how hard you have to work for the truth#+1 points of friendship with jin ling: He will self correct himself if he says a slur now
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#fe fates#camilla#so i actually drew this a while ago but was gonna shade it and do more emoji things#but welp uh hmmmm im sick and apparently look like I'm dying#which isnt a problem until i sit down to draw and my vision is blurry and yeah thats a problem#so i just attempted to do a doodle and then failed and opted to apply a tiny but of shading to this and give up#but yup uh after a nice of body aches and misery and trying to sleep and failing#i crashed from 10am to 5pm thinking id just rest a lil bit#before anyone says oh you could have taken a day off you know - i technically can yes youre right#however my brain uses art as a coping mech and i need that coping mech really bad right now#which is why i stopped trying to draw something new for today and just went back to a past thing#im not overdoing it i promise#even if my mom and sister think i look like death walking around
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Trademark: Top-tier Bucktommy writer + generally Cool + getting Buck pregnant
Thank you + thank you + thank you!
#i really do keep meaning to write some actual mpreg fic but it keeps getting swept away by other ideas#like the alien invasion fic i'm dying to write#where tommy gets called to fly against them while the lafd is busy on the ground trying to save lives amid the chaos#and they get word that the entire ragtag squadron of which tommy was a part gets wiped out#buck is so devastated he just shuts down and works himself nearly to death trying to save people trying to make tommy's sacrifice worth it#in a week LA is in ruins and the 118 is barely holding on when they get word that another wave of alien ships is headed their way#they know this is it and just as the ships crest the horizon -- there's one ship that suddenly breaks formation and turns on the others#completely stunned the 118 watches as the ship guns down half of the others then leads the rest on a wild chase#and then eddie shouts 'those are american military flight maneuvers! whoever's flying that thing is on our side!'#buck thinks about the first time he visited the harbor station and he'd jokingly asked everyone for dirt on tommy#and tommy's teammate nico was like 'i don't know about dirt but i can tell you right now: that guy can fly literally anything'#buck watches this one ship attempt the impossible while bobby's on the radio telling anyone who might be listening#that one of their own has commandeered an enemy ship and is holding off the next wave and needs immediate support#eventually the ship lands clumsily on a crumbling rooftop and buck runs up a hundred flights of stairs and bursts onto the roof#just in time to see tommy come stumbling out of the ship -- obviously having been through it and like missing an eye or something#and when tommy sees buck his face just crumbles and buck's already sobbing as they limp-run at each other#crashing together crying and laughing and buck slides to the ground clutching tommy while the rest of the 118 pile onto the roof#and they watch a squadron of f-15s descend from the clouds to take out the straggler ships and it feels like the tide is turning#yeah it's basically independence day but with 2000% more angst
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KILL!!!!!!!!!
#my post#this is so mean. why did i make this#but also....... the gun is in your hands now#i'll admit that it's my fault for putting the gun in your hand... however i've no say in what you choose to do with it#will you pull the trigger and accept whatever happens from now on? will you give yourself into the role forced upon you?#no one will know anything if you don't say anything. there will be no consequences or repercussions to this choice#but you will know. and you will need to live with that knowledge for the rest of your life#a gun not fired is like an itch not stratched#in the end i have no control over what you do... but free will is a funny thing#the brain is very susceptible to suggestion... everything we see and experience will remain with us in some way#if that's the case then how much control do we really have in our lives? how do we separate what we really want vs what we're told to want?#things like hunger... desire... they're all things the body asks for. but are they things that we truly want?#or are they merely a mechanism built into us for the sake of survival?#everything blends into everything. your past actions will inform your current actions. you're the only one who's ever lived your life#you're the only one who will ever live your life#little variables and experiences we all share... but the order varies greatly from person to person. everything is just a series of events#the way i see the world is different than the way you see it regardless of how similar they are#what choice will you make now? and how does it differ from the choice you would've made a week ago? a month? a year? does it differ at all?#does free will truly exist? i think it does... but not in the way most people think it exists#you and i... we might differ on that thought. or we might not.#regardless of whatever i've been rambling about right now... refusing to make a choice is still a choice you make. life is ironic like that#does one of them really have to go? that's for you to decide now#i've merely chosen to put the gun in your hand. to make you aware of the possibilities#so i hope you realize what power your choices have#dca fandom#daycare attendant#yeah sometimes i just say things that i think are deep but they're really not#i hope the choices i make have an effect on others. even if it's just one person...#if i can make even just one person think about something they wouldn't have normally thought about then isn't that a win?#life is a series of choices... ''it'd be great if you could see a figure of light by the time you die'' ♡
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I thought it might be interesting to share the process of making this particular piece...🥺
And yes, I do use both sides of the paper. *puts on sunglasses and flips canvas in traditional style*
#my stuff#la junk talks#yeah it's very messy#but i wanted it to be perfect ok?#also perhaps i put way too much effort and thought into it... but who cares when i just wanted to pour all the love and care into this#god you can see all the colour and material testing lmao#also which lines i wanted to use............#well anyways i love seeing how other ppl do their stuff#and i just wanted to share in case anyone might be interested#the first page is literally just about finding the right reference ksfjgvndfkjvnjkd#i needed a pose to click with#and the rest is fairly... similar...#just detail perfecting ksjdnkjdfnvk#ok i'm done bye for the night#(god now i'M itching to draw... perhaps this weekend...)#(also i want to frame this so bad but haven't got around to that yet shame on me)#(i'm done i'm done i'm really done good night everyone!)
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it's not sinking in that today might be the last day in my house and town for many months to come
#like how do i even feel#on one hand im excited because like now that i finally agreed to dads stupid whims he technically will have to give in to things#ive been wanting since FOREVER like going to the gym#plus it's impossible to eat junk food when he's there he won't even let me kacchi maggi because maida hai bimar ho jayegi#and aadhe se zyada din toh pyaaz ye sab nahi kha sakte so it rules out any outside food#which is so good because like i just found out im pre diabetic lol#like borderline sugar like ab kuch nahi kiya toh seedha type 2 diabetes#so i need to eat healthy or ill literally die#i mean eventually but whatever being diagnosed with this in my 20s would kill me#also simply the fear of living with him is so much that i HAVE to study#and i want to now it's high time#but yeah want doesn't really work for me#i read a quote somewhere that 'goals' don't mean anything because winners and losers have the same goals#and i was like WOAH. like the person who gets an all india rank had the same goal as me: to pass the exam with good marks#but they succeeded and i didn't so it's isn't our goals that differentiate us#which ik is obvious but like still idk put things in perspective#anyway yeah that way my life MIGHT be fixed#but there's also living ALONE with my sociopathic FATHER who has more mood swings than me on pms#and being cut off frm the rest of civilisation and yk developed roads and buildings and ice cream shops#i guess it is mostly food ig :( which is good like the most junk food i can eat there is a burger from a nearby stall and that's pretty#much it they literally do not even have havmor or anything in walking distance forget scoop wali ice cream#but i like my bed and i like my ceiling with the stars and i like looking out of my window and knowing that the first ever crush of my life#lives right next to me and i like knowing that ill meet my bestfriend atleast once a month#i don't really love my mom or my brother tbh but idk maybe ill miss them it's weird ive never lived without them#i don't know i really hope that this is like a boot camp kota types experience rather than so much isolation that i sink deep into#depression. but then ive hit pretty shocking lows this year so hopefully i can handle it#my sister did say that when she lived alone with him for a month it was quite peaceful and okay because he usually gets more angry when mom#is around warna mostly he's fine#i don't know i don't know bhagwan ji please ab aur mushkil mat banana life bohot jhatke de chuke ho already ab pls#mujhe apni galtiyo ko sudharne ka mauka dena 🙏
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A very deep magenta.
#I'm gonna try and rest#thinking hard about potentially cancelling my con trip in the wake of everything thus far#praying for a miracle#and i never pray not like this#not thinking about me like yeah im in the hot seat and in danger#but theres so many others and so many kids who are gonna pay the price#and theres the sad truth of the matter: not all of us are gonna make it to the end together#just like before#but we gotta keep loving one another for as long as we have time and space together#nothing can kill that even when hopes been obliterated#giving everyone the biggest cyber hug right now and however many forehead kisses you need#i feel like i need that too#magenta is my vent word
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all day and all night i think of him
#rgg#ryu ga gotoku#ryu ga gotoku ishin#yakuza ishin#like a dragon ishin#toshizo hijikata#yoshitaka mine#snap sketches#rare snap drawin#i havent drawn him in so long.. i forget how 💀 so yeah just lame study doodles#not too intensive of a study i just needed a quick refresher#also i realize now why none of my mine drawings look right and its cause i dont color his lips in anymore#i mostly do things in b/w tho and i dont like how it looks when i shade it without everything else being shaded#ohwe ll#rare momence where im free to draw#im workin on my last commission tomorrow since it's gonna be chunky and i wanna be rested while i work on it#my day been a lil long so i just wanna chill tonight
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Ok. Real question. How many people Actually have believed in Santa? Bc I never did, mostly bc my dad never bothered with the entire pretense, so the whole concept is just. Really fucking strange to me
Putting an actual poll bc I feel like I'm losing my mind a bit thinking about how apparently widespread it is. Like. It's just so... weird? Why is this the thing people have popularized? It makes no sense.
#speculation nation#polls#like ok my dad's an atheist raised by jewish parents so xmas has never really been a religious sort of holiday to me#we celebrate it bc it's fun to give gifts and spend time with family#but that's... it.#all the lore and mythos of xmas is just so weird to me#like baby jesus etc etc but now here comes saint nicholas with the steel chair! (breaking into your house to eat your cookies#and leave presents Only for the rich kids! why only the rich ones? uhmmm Dont worry about it!)#genuinely speaking my dad's worked at ups my whole life so growing up he'd say he (and the rest of his coworkers) were the real santas#said as a joke mostly bc theyre the ones Actually delivering the packages#but i took it to heart. told people at school that my dad was the Real santa.#no one believed me lol which i found quite frustrating.#but yeah i have never once in my entire life believed in Santa#and im content with that. it seems like such a stupid thing i will be honest.#'what about the magic of christmas' what about the poor kids who dont get gifts & feel abandoned by this all-powerful man?#in fact why do we Want kids to not think it's their parents giving gifts? they cant thank the right people if we trick them.#it's a convoluted setup that makes absolutely 0 sense to me#trust me christmas had more than enough 'magic' for me as a kid just bc of all the cool lights and all the free gifts#dont need some mythological man who can travel the globe in one night and is a professional in B&E#makes no sense for Real.#there was a time with my ex step siblings where me n my sister were told not to spoil the fun for them#so i had to pretend like santa existed as they opened presents marked from him#and even back then i was just thinking 'this is So Dumb'#this is an anti santa zone i guess. me and myself hate the popularized version of this strange strange belief system.
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thinking about barton doing baby talk to his kids, even though he was eighteen when marcy gave birth to both matilda + louis and thus was a COMPLETELY different person, is honestly both super surreal to me and also surprisingly... sort of makes sense. because barton can NOT bring himself to be mean around babies; i mean at all, and this man loved his kids so much, which 😭 well — let me just say that his behavior has greatly changed since then, to say the least. though barton still believes he loves them in his 'own way'
#OF MONSTERS AND MEN: musings.#ahhh yeah... i just. idk what this mood is that i'm in right now but i just pictured barton being one of those dads that their toddler-#kids seem to ADORE but like 😭 obviously he is no longer the same person because man's used to be able to comfort them relatively-#well and actually made more of an effort at emotionally supporting them. though i guess part of the reasoning for this could be that-#barton was trying to hold back his quote unquote 'blood-thirst' at this point and be like everyone else buttt now he doesn't care about-#fitting in with the rest of the population much at all. because his main job is literally to serve criminals (albeit medically) and he's a#freaking ORGAN tr*fficker for crying out loud. but the strange thing is is that this trait of his where he just can't be mean to babies-#has carried on throughout all these years with him + whenever barton's around one he mayyy or may not sometimes get baby fever 💀#so yeah. that's fun LOL but idk it just makes me a little sad thinking about how good barton used to be with them whenever they were small#and now with his mental health pretty much being on a steady decline + him seemingly turning more and more monstrous by-#the years it's always a gamble with the mathis kids as to whether they'll get to see a glimpse of this again or if they'll just get more of#the same father who provides for his kids physical needs such as food and shelter but not so much emotional needs + can be manipulative-#as HELL sometimes too#tw: mental illness.#tw: manipulation.#tw: mentions of organ trafficking.#tw: emotional neglect.
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it sucks that so much of my family has also dealt with cancer but it's really lovely that they were able to give me warnings about things
#a friend of mine just had a computer glitch and lost a bunch of work and i said it sucked and i'm sorry and asked if he could email his prof#and he's i think just really upset about it as i would be too bc that does suck so bad#but i don't have the energy to commiserate. i feel like a steaming pile of shit right now. i only got home 30 minutes ago from the hospital#and i have to go back tomorrow and then spend the rest of the day probably feeling like this while also having to go to another appointment#bc i need to get my earrings changed out so i can take them out for my body scan#and then going home with earl and setting up. and finally getting a bday gift to my friend as well and dropping that off#i feel increasingly gross and sick rn and this was just one injection#but my relatives were like 'listen. no one in your life is going to get this unless they've had cancer. and it sucks but that's how it is'#and i'm just very glad i got that heads up because i'm getting a lot of love and support from relatives now#esp the ones who also dealt with cancer#but it's just been radio silence from friends. and i get it i get they have their own lives and might not know what to say#but it does still hurt a little#i do have one friend who has been lovely and accommodating with the diet i have to be on#but my other best friend is just. i think with his school he has his own friends and his own life but. yeah. it just hurts a little#maybe i'm being irrational idk. something to discuss with my therapist today at our appointment#not everything is about me etc etc#this is the same friend who lost his work that i mentioned in the tags#cancer tw
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okay but lets be very serious here right now, when they release a statement what exactly is that gonna change? don admitted to him and lex having intercourse (which shows that he coerced her) and matt and ryans texts show that the situation was handled VERY poorly. an apology isnt enough for the trauma they both have caused
#cuz you know its bad when even the subreddit is on their ass they’re usually dickriding m and r anytime someone makes valid criticism#theyve been let off the hook too many times a line needs to be drawn and this needs to be it#im sorry but sa is not something you can simply look past especially when they have a history of brushing serious shit off#what is there to even hold onto for them its not like theyre dropping bangers like they used to#theyre in drama every other month i know thats the appeal to some of yall but when things get this serious it shouldnt be hard to drop them#especially when they have piles of evidence lined up against them showing that they only really care about their channel and their image lol#yes im still talking shit because im very disappointed#also saying quote unquote check up on the big fan accs theyre going through it is very weird lol. we should be checking up on the victims#anyways the bad publicity will probably make them lose sponsorships and yall know the podcast was one of the only things holding them-#together financially LOL#worst part is matt and ryan have people relying on them to get paid.. their company is about to go to shit all bc they have no backbone#jacksons comeback post is gonna be a pic of matt watson flipping burgers at chickfila in a year or 2#yeah yeah this is my last post about it for now until one of them says something i just needed to get these thoughts out there#rest in piss supermega your actions actually do have consequences and its clear theyre not used to being put on the spot like this#theyre used to people letting everything slide i know theyre all screaming and crying right now 😂
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I’ll never understand younger siblings whining about their older siblings moving away like I bet yall were nasty and annoying too like wow all those years and you claim to adore the older sibling and post oh woe is me the older sibling abandoned me … girl … the older sibling didn’t have a parental certificate or anything.
#since when were we friends nor did I have any obligation over you or towards you#we are literally roommates here acting like we’re friends#dora daily#I say this cause I saw yet another younger sibling on tiktok trying to make themselves a victim like the older one is clearly avoiding the#whole family and changing their phone number so u guys don’t contact for a reason like wth did you guys do that’s so bad they would go#through all that trouble#‘older siblings will never understand how doing that affects us physically and mentally’ oh quit whining and cope#I didn’t have an older sibling I relied on only myself heck not even strangers help me when I’m in dire need#I think yall need to cope harder and wake up to the real world#not all younger siblings but a lot of them like my little brother 13yo is good id never want to abandon him but the rest … yeah bye#idgaf you should’ve not been an idiot because believe me ik kids mess up but not like this#and now she’s grovelling at my feet bye grovel harder#like just an hour ago or so she came up to me and was like I’m going to school for the first day are you gonna miss me#I said no because she always tells me no when I ask her if she missed me#and somehow she had the audacity to be upset like okay#the same girl who tells me to move out btw#my mum said oh u have to be her best friend cause if she has nobody here then she will have to rely on strangers#and she would find herself in trouble cause they don’t have good intent oh gee I wonder which person caused me to do that#it’s honestly ironic#like Eris and virtue happened because she couldn’t step up and be a normal mother byeeee#and anyways whyre you acting like having a sibling is essential#it honestly isn’t like why would I be nice to a girl who dogs on me and beats me up and is disrespectful#she’s not that young anymore she’s almost 12#‘oh they have different personalities’ well i hate hers and im not to be forced to like it either its my right
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having a lot of thoughts about eating disorders + how some of us end up developing chronic illnesses directly because of the physical effects of our eating disorders and how Cruel doctors can be about that and just trying to untangle so much shame and blame from that experience rn
#personal#vent#eating disorder tw#disability#idk. i don't quite have the words for this right now but#had another meeting with my doctor where they said yeah its your fault that you are now physically disabled for life#(literally i was chronically ill and physically disabled before i even developed an eating disorder because of CAH and comorbidities but#(they love to ignore that !)#which is like. i do not tie any morality to health and it should just be#a completely neutral statement. that my eating disorder caused other physical complications#they said i'm going to have orthostatic problems the rest of my life.#'since your gastroparesis was caused by your eating disorder that means there is no point in treating it'#which is so funny bc literally every time i see her my dietitan wants me to get a feeding tube! lmfao!!!!#i am actually doing pretty well in recovery in terms of meeting my energy needs through food. but i stopped being able to orally supplement#so my dietitan wants a tube for ARFID nutrient reasons. supplemental nutrition etc etc. and she thinks it will help gastroparesis symptoms#they also think i have osteoporosis and want to test me for that#when i had to use forearm crutches/ wheelchair because of physical ed complications doctors were SO fucking rude even though they were#the ones PRESCRIBING IT!!! like!!! you all are the ones telling me i HAVE to do this!#idk i also have a friend with permanent brain damage. from seizures in the refeeding process#and her doctors are so fucking rude to her all the time.#it makes me so mad
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