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shurisneakers · 4 years ago

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shut in [3]

Summary: When your high profile mission goes terribly wrong, you’re forced to hide in a safehouse with a man you’ve never met before. With seemingly nowhere else to go, you’re forced to work together to figure out who is trying to have you assassinated before it’s too late. (Sam Wilson x Reader, Hitman AU)

Warnings: cursing, implied abuse, ptsd, fighting over beds

Word count: 2.2k

A/N: every part i introduce more anonymous characters smh. i also appreciate feedback so if you would like to, please consider dropping me an ask or comment ly guys!! also if you want to be on the taglist, it’s mentioned at the bottom of the chapter.

here’s my ko-fi if you’d like to support my writing <333

Previous Part || Shut In Masterlist

“Don’t make me shoot you, Wilson.”

“It doesn’t have to end this way, agent.”

“How’s it looking out there?”

“There’s been some talk. Apparently Serpentine isn’t very happy that their intel is dead. They’ve got people looking out for you everywhere.”

A frown adorned your face. Sam was leaning forward on his arms, head turned down as he listened to Ransone.

“How dangerous is it?”

“I would say that everyone’s a little wound up. Best not to go anywhere even a little populated.”

“Noted.” It would blow over in a while. The media coverage of Pierce’s assassination would die down with the changing news cycle soon.

“I can have someone pick you up wherever you are. Just tell me where.”

“Don’t bother. We won’t be here for too long,” you responded, Sam nodding in agreement. Once it quietened down you could leave, go back to Ransone without blowing your cover.

“Whatever makes you happy. Just let me know when you’re out.”

The click of the call ending took with it the only noise in the room.

Sam picked up the phone to remove the battery, discarding it to maintain your security. Burner phones were useful, but you didn’t want to take any chances.

“Wait,” you cut in, holding your hand out for it, “I need to make another call.”

The both of you were seated at the dining table. A piece of paper lay in front of you, playing the dangerous role of being the mediator.

You were trying to ration out your supplies and create a schedule as a way of finding middle ground. Things were more or less calm for the last two days, but the fight over the bedroom was wading into territory that could only be solved by a good old middle school fistfight.

Currently you were figuring out a meal plan so that you could establish some kind of routine. With bread as the only uniting factor, the other three components were going on a rotation. You had reached all the way till Saturday before running out of possible combinations.

“I’m just saying-”

“Don’t.”

“We’ve exhausted all edible options, it’s the only combination left-”

“I will not hesitate to fatally wound you.” You were only half kidding. The ridiculousness of the ideas he was proposing was entertaining, and you knew he wasn’t being serious. It was hard to catch a moment where he was.

“Fine. But in case we get to the point where peanut butter and jelly is the only thing that’s left, don’t say I didn’t tell you so.”

“I would rather die than shovel spoonfuls of plain jelly and peanut butter into my mouth.”

“Your survival game is weak,” he chided, tsk-tsking at you.

You only rolled your eyes at him, moving on to the next subject.

Bed.

“Easy, we just alternate days. You got the last two days, so I get the next two and then we just switch everyday.” Sam eased back in his chair, arms crossed behind his head leisurely.

“How long do you think we’ll be here?” you asked, writing down the plan he had just presented. The bed wasn’t queen sized with memory foam or any kind of privilege like that, but it definitely beat the couch with its odd lumps and depressions.

“A week tops. Anything more is just excessive.”

“Hello,” you said, voice low, even though you were well out of earshot of Sam. He was eying you from the living room window. If he was as good as he claimed he was, he’d know how to read lips and you couldn’t afford to have him do that.

“Code?”

You turned your back to the window, facing the large trees that loomed before you. “1993. It’s me.”

“Y/N?” He sounded suspicious, a little shocked, and you understood why he would be.

“Living and breathing.” You toed at a rock that lay ahead of you.

“Word on the street is that you’re dead,” he pointed out dryly.

“Not me; Pierce. I escaped. It was a trap.” When the rock you were playing around with escaped after a particularly hard kick, you started pacing up and down instead, “Ransone put a hit out on him because he thought he was leaking information.”

“How on earth did he come to that conclusion?”

“Don’t know. He was dead before we got there.”

“Who is ‘we’? You got someone there with you?” You didn’t realise it had slipped out during your conversation.

“Another one of our guys. Apparently I was a backup in case he didn’t show up, but he did, so now we’re stuck together.” You averted your gaze to Sam who was still observing you from the window brazenly, intently.

“Where are you?”

“We’re safe.”

“Alright.” He sounded like he understood, albeit not entirely convinced. “Stay low.”

“Will do.”

With that you hung up the call, dropped the phone to the ground and crushed it under your boot heel. When you were convinced that it was sufficiently useless, you turned on your heel, making your way back.

You walked back into the house, beelining to the kitchen to make up for your missed lunch, only to be greeted with Sam sitting on the couch looking at you inquisitively.

“Who was that?”

“Nobody,” you answered straightforwardly, opening the cabinet to get two slices of bread.

“If it has somethin’ to do with this situation we’re in then I need to know who you’re talking to.”

“Just drop it. It has nothing to do with you.” You found the jar of peanut butter he had already opened, using a butter knife to spread it along the bread.

“Somehow I’m finding that hard to believe.”

“Believe what you must. I’m going to take a nap,” you answered evasively, chewing absentmindedly on the sandwich you had just made. You didn’t bother to look at him as you headed towards the bedroom.

“Hey now, hold on a minute. Who said you had bedroom privileges? You’ve been using it for two days.” You stopped in your tracks, face scrunching in annoyance. “If you’re keeping vital information about my life from me, then I think I deserve to not have a fuckin’ backache when I wake up in the morning.”

You quickly weighed the pros and cons in your head, imagining how the next few minutes would pan out if you just said ‘no’ and left. But in every imaginary argument you proposed, the bottom line ended with him prodding at you until he either got the information that he wanted or the bed.

Frankly, the bed was something you were willing to sacrifice to get him to stop meddling in your business. It seemed like the only reasonable way to get him off your ass.

“Fine.” You spun around to face him. “We’re making an arrangement.”

“Whoever has the bed has to forfeit TV privileges for that day.”

“Sounds reasonable. None of those three movies can be played more than twice in a row.”

That was more to preserve your sanity than anything. You had already seen each of them once, bordering on thrice for Die Hard. Sam’s fault, not yours.

“We should have a codeword. In case there's danger or something. Or maybe if you just want to be left alone,” Sam suggested, finger pointing to the blank space left at the end of the paper. “But it’ll be like solitary confinement since it’s so fuckin’ quiet here.”

Almost on instinct your mind flashed to images of dark cells. Quiet sobs. Blood stains on the wall, originating from clawing at it. Sunlight through one small window at the top. Utter loneliness except for yourself.

You could remember the soreness in your legs from curling up into a ball for hours, rocking back and forth. The smell of drain water collecting in the basement where the cell was.

Isolation.

“You got any suggestions?”

“Huh?” You forced yourself back to the present. Your knuckles had a dull ache in them from holding the pencil too hard.

“Do you have any ideas for a codeword?” Sam repeated, looking at you intently.

“No, nothing off the top of my head.” You shook your head, trying to regain focus. You loosened your grip on the pencil, letting it fall to the table.

“We’ll just leave it at ‘Brooklyn’ for the time being.”

“Yeah, okay,” you agreed to whatever he was saying. It was just a precaution in case something major happened. It was rather unlikely that you were going to use it anyway.

Codewords weren’t uncommon in your business, but it was mostly used for missions or other professional standings. Regardless of being less adventurous than what you tended to work on, this was work at the end of the day.

“Is that all?”

“Yeah, I think we’re done.” His chair scraped loudly against the ground as he got up. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going out for a while. Need to shake off the possible osteoporosis.”

You didn’t bother asking where he was going, ears following his footsteps as he walked down the hall to the bedroom, probably to get his jacket that he hung up in the drawer.

You left the paper on top of the mini fridge, alongside the car keys and a few dollars you had nabbed in the hurry from Pierce’s house.

Staring around you at the silent room, you realised that there really wasn’t much to do. It wasn’t like you to have so much time on your hands. You could always go for a run or test out some of the weapons hidden here.

You had the rest of the house to explore, plans to draw up, a post mortem to assess what went wrong on the mission, even though the last option wasn’t possible without Sam’s cooperation.

Fuck it, you decided. Couch it is.

Kicking your feet up, you grabbed the TV remote to flip to the news station. The town rarely had anything to report on but it would be worthwhile to know what exactly was available around. Possibly assimilate in the crowd in case you wanted to be hidden.

It took you a few minutes of mindless surfing through static channels till you found it. It seemed like a scene right out of a Hallmark movie; the reporter was holding a microphone to a child who looked like he understood nothing of what was going on.

You were barely paying attention as it flipped from segment to segment, other things taking precedence in your mind even though you willed yourself to relax. There really wasn’t much to make a note of other than a few good samaritans and how utterly boring the lack of content was. A few occasional glimpses of stores and other resources available in the background were the only interesting part.

You were starting to drift off by the time it reached the breaking news of the evening. Sam had already come back when the sky slipped into twilight. He barely acknowledged your form lazing on the couch, only offering you a greeting and a goodbye as he made himself his dinner to take to the room.

Your eyes were just about closing when the breaking news of that evening came in. It was all politics. People you knew from old missions waving and smiling their way to lead their country as if the dubious acts they committed behind the scenes to get there was erased.

Until you suddenly jolted awake, eyes wide open.

“Wilson. Wilson!” You hit the cushion furiously to get his attention when he didn’t respond the first time around.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

“What?” he yelled in response, mild irritation in his voice. You knew it sounded like you were shouting bloody murder even though no one was around other than you two, but you didn’t care.

“Look at this!” You couldn’t stop gawking at the screen. “Fuckin’ unbelievable.”

“What? What do you wa-” He stalked into the room, ready to tell you to stop yelling but stopped mid sentence when he finally saw what you were so concerned about.

“Reports claim that the victim was attacked early in the afternoon at his villa. Officers say they found multiple signs of a forced entry, following which he was shot dead. So far no arrests have been made but the police have since released photos of two suspects of whom, they claim, have reason to believe orchestrated the attack.”

On the right side of the screen flashed yours and Sam’s picture side by side. Old mugshots from a petty offence you committed years ago for which Ransone bailed you out.

“The pair are said to be on the run after escaping before law enforcement arrived. If you have any tips on the whereabouts of-”

You turned to look at Sam. His stare didn’t budge from the TV as they once again reminded the public what you both looked like.

Years of anonymity, working in the shadows and creeping around to avoid being recognised only to have the entire country know what you looked like.

“Well, shit,” he finally exhaled. “Somehow I think our stay here just got extended.”

Part 4

#sam x reader #sam wilson x reader #mcu fic #sam fic #sam wilson fic #sam wilson fluff #sam wilson angst #sam wilson series #falcon #falcon x reader #the falcon x reader #hitman!sam wilson #hitman!au #shut in fic #marvel fic #marvel #mcu #sam wilson #the falcon

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ethicsgirls · 4 years ago

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‘There is no health without mental health’: an interview with Dr Naomi Newman-Beinart, PHD, Nutritionist (BSc) & Chartered Psychologist (CPsychol) (PhD)

Dr Naomi Newman-Beinart, Member of the CThA & Division of Health Psychology, BPS

Interview by Julia Nelson

Having access to educational information online is a real gift, but with all that’s out there, it’s always good to pick the brain of an expert to avoid getting lost in content. We had the pleasure of chatting to Dr Naomi Newman-Beinart on how to look after ourselves age 40+. Someone had to!

What is the secret to good health?

In my opinion, it's all about mindset. I always say that there is no health without mental health (it's true!). Funnily enough, I am trying to get Instagram going (it's not as easy as it sounds!) and my post yesterday was all about this, I was saying that it's obviously a brilliant idea to try and eat a healthy and varied diet (and I am super excited that new research shows that eating your 5 a day specifically 3 veg and 3 fruit - means you're more likely to live longer and less likely to have chronic illnesses as you get older). BUT I always try and focus on how I feel when I get up each day. Do you wake up feeling positive and energised? Or wake up dreading your day? Or wake up somewhere in the middle.....

No-one is expected to feel amazing 100% of the time. But it’s really important to do some things for YOU and to make sure that you aren’t struggling more than is necessary with daily stresses.

These are a few things I try to help feel better at the start of each day:

Stay in touch with people.

Increase movement and exercise.

Focus on the here and now.

Be kind to yourself and others.

Learn something new.

This advice is even more important given the global events of the past 18 months I would say.

How should women age 40+ take care of their health and wellbeing?

I think that it is really important that women are given more information about their hormonal health from the age of 40. The NHS usually do a health review for over 40's health for men and women, but this doesn’t cover hormonal changes or changes in bone density that women start to experience by this point in life. I think that as long as women are aware of hormonal changes in peri-menopause and what symptoms to look out for, and consider the fact that if they haven't already, it's time to get back into exercise - even walking, and trying to eat healthily most of the time, not always - reducing booze but still having fun, and considering any genetic illnesses that might rear their ugly heads at some point (e.g. osteoporosis - it may be time to start taking Vitamin D and think about calcium and collagen containing foods etc)

Do supplements work and do you recommend taking multivitamins every day?

I am a fan of trying to get everything you can from food, but I believe that as you get older you may struggle with a less effective digestive system and you may have more 'issues' that supplements could help with. For example, I take borage oil for hormonal health and I find it really effective, but I didn't need it when I was 25. I personally take a multivitamin most days, as I like to get my B vitamins and minerals, but I always say that it's important to get a decent quality multivitamin and not buy the cheap ones that are using poor quality ingredients and lots of fillers.

Should your blood type determine what sort of food you should be eating? i.e pescatarian diet

I tend to make my recommendations based on science when research is available, and research into blood type diets does not show that it works as such. BUT saying that, the diets recommended by blood type are generally better than most diets, so most people should feel an improvement when they try a blood type diet. I do have a few patients who swear that the blood type diet has worked for them, and if you find a healthy and workable diet that suits you, than go for it. But don't try and follow a diet that you feel you should be following if you feel bad on it or it's making you mentally struggle.

If you have a chronic health condition like osteoarthritis or Hashimoto thyroiditis for example should you tailor your diet accordingly and take specific supplements?

Yes, absolutely. You don't have to make massive changes if you already eat a good diet (e.g a Mediterranean type diet), so to aid joint health I would suggest thinking about Omega 3 and turmeric (for example) in your diet and also think about foods that cause your joint pain to flare up, and avoid those where possible. A lot of people find that tomatoes and potatoes (to name a few) cause arthritis symptoms to flare up and avoiding them can reduce pain and improve mobility. I love marine collagen powder (I take Correxiko's Marine Collagen powder every day!) to help improve my general health. I love that collagen research is very well carried out and shows great results for osteoarthritis and osteoporosis, which makes sense, as collagen plays a huge role in the health of all of our organs and joints and bones.

Hashimoto's thyroiditis (HT) - So there is some good research showing that people with thyroid issues may be deficient in certain nutrients and Vitamin D, selenium, zinc, iron and B12 are a few of them. In fact, low Vitamin D levels have been associated with worse symptoms for people with HT. I would suggest eating a varied and healthy diet (as I tell everyone!) but even more so in the case of people who are diagnosed when they are young (under 50). The longer you can go with symptoms that don't affect your daily life, the better! And eating a healthy diet has been shown time and time again to reduce the likelihood of various chronic illnesses, which you really want to reduce the risk of! Again, like with any diagnosed condition, find out what works best for you and what foods might worsen your symptoms so you know what to avoid.

Obviously if anyone is on medication, always check with your healthcare professional before taking supplements as they may interfere with your meds or not be suitable to take with your condition.

How can you get tested for food intolerances / allergies?

Yes, you can ask your GP, or you can go privately, to have allergy tests. With regards to food intolerances, I don't feel that there are any very effective tests, as you are testing something quite different than when you are testing for food allergies. I tend to suggest working together with a nutritionist, or dietitian to organise an avoidance diet to help you figure out what foods lead to negative symptoms of food intolerance.

Should women aged 40 and over have regular general health checks and who does these? Can you recommend where to go for a general health check?

Yes! I think that it is really important to keep on top of your health and to talk to your GP if you have any issues. Breast checks are very important, as are bone density scans, full blood count (including fasting glucose) and blood pressure. Pay attention to any urinary tract infections as you'll want to nip these in the bud asap to reduce the risk of kidney infection or even sepsis - these are much more common as you hit the peri-menopausal stage (age 42-48 or so).

You can pay privately to have many more tests done and that is your decision if you are able to, but as long as you keep on top of your diet and exercise and the checks mentioned here, your GP should be able to help you with any health issues that crop up.

How would you recommend prioritising your health and wellbeing?

I am a big ambassador for kindness. I believe that if you are kind to others then it comes back to you in terms of mental health. And that brings me back to suggesting that people focus on their mental health as a priority. It's also important to consider that research has found that people who eat more unhealthy foods are more likely to report moderate to severe psychological distress - so if you are able to try and eat healthily, one meal at a time, I would hope that you would start to feel better emotionally and then be more likely to make good decisions about exercise. That is how we build healthy habits :). I am a chartered psychologist specialising in health psychology and I find this works so well with my nutrition degree.

Nowadays there’s such a strong focus on living a healthy life, and it can be daunting and to be honest, a little bit scary…..

Don’t stress. Just take one day at a time and think about one healthy choice at a time. This can be a useful way to think about diet, exercise and emotional health.

We promote ethical lifestyle brands and green living, can you tell us what ethical lifestyle brands you like and use?

I have used so many over the years and good ethics is VERY important to me when it comes to brands that I use. I love Correxiko, as mentioned earlier. I also LOVE Uralix as I think that they have a wonderful outlook and the owner really wants to help women with urinary tract infections (which are so awful!) and this is 100% why she invented the product. I love Higher Nature products - I am currently using their 'relax kids' powder at bed every night (for me!), but all of their products are fab. And I love Greenspring matcha tea powder as I love and need the theanine that you get naturally from matcha tea. Ooooooh I also love medicinal mushrooms and Hifas da Terra are a wonderful and highly ethical company that do fantastic mushroom research to help people with ailments that are not necessarily being helped enough by medications.

How can women feel confident and positive about their health?

Don't make changes for anyone else, make them for yourself. You don't have to calorie count and be a size 8-10 to feel great. As long as you are doing your best to live a healthy life, you don't have to be perfect everyday! Don't deny yourself when you want a glass of wine or a treat and don't put everyone else first, you have to come first too. Try and focus on the here and now and what you can do right now that will make you happy and as you act positively, it will help you build healthy habits (that's the psychologist in me talking.....).

You can follow Naomi on Instagram here: www.instagram.com/drnaomib/

#womenshealthandwellbeing #over40swomenshealth #Dr Naomi Newman-Beinart PHD #nutrisionist

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makeetelich92 · 4 years ago

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Vitamin D: What You Need To Know

Hardly a day goes by without some groundbreaking news about Vitamin D. Originally known for it's crucial role in maintaining calcium levels for bone health, it is rapidly becoming apparent that we have vastly underestimated Vitamin D's significant importance for our overall health and wellbeing. In short, judging by what I see in my practice and speaking with colleagues around the country, it's looking very much like we're facing an epidemic of Vitamin D deficiency, with potential grave consequences. Nature's blend multivitamin with minerals FAQ will help to get you up to speed on this important topic.

What diseases are associated with Vitamin D deficiency?

Vitamin D deficiency has been shown to play a role in almost every major disease, including:

Osteoporosis and Osteopenia

17 varieties of Cancer (including breast, prostate and colon)

Heart disease

High blood pressure

Obesity

Metabolic Syndrome and Diabetes

Autoimmune diseases

Multiple sclerosis

Rheumatoid arthritis

Osteoarthritis

Bursitis

Gout

Infertility and PMS

Parkinson's Disease

Depression and Seasonal Affective Disorder

Alzheimer's Disease

Chronic fatigue syndrome

Fibromyalgia

Chronic Pain

Periodontal disease

Psoriasis

What is vitamin D?

Although it's called a vitamin, vitamin D is really a hormone not a vitamin. Vitamins cannot be produced by your body, we get them from dietary sources, whereas hormones like vitamin D are made in your body. It's your body's only source of calcitrol (activated vitamin D), the foremost potent hormone within the body.

What will calciferol do?

Like all steroid hormones, vitamin D is concerned in creating many enzymes and proteins, that are crucial for protective health and preventing disease. it's the flexibility to move and have an effect on quite 2,000 genes in the body. It enhances muscle strength and builds bone. it's medicament effects and bolsters the immune system. It helps the action of hypoglycaemic agent and has anti-cancer activity. this is often why vitamin D deficiency has been joined with numerous of the diseases of contemporary society. owing to its huge array of benefits, maintaining optimal levels of D is essential for your health.

Where do I get vitamin D from?

The only 2 reliable sources of vitamin D are the sun and supplements. Sunlight exposure is the only reliable way for your body to generate vitamin D. Vitamin D is produced by your skin in response to exposure to ultraviolet radiation from the sun. In fact, this is such an efficient system that most of us make approx. 20,000 units of vitamin D after only 20 minutes of summer sun without suntan lotion (or clothes!) That's 100 times more than the government recommends per day! There must be a good reason why we make so much in so little time.

You do not generate vitamin D when sitting behind a glass window, whether in your car or at home because these UV rays cannot penetrate glass to generate vitamin D in your skin Also sunscreens, even weak ones, almost completely block your body's ability to generate vitamin D.

The other reliable source is vitamin D3 supplements (not vitamin D2)

Only about 10% of your vitamin D comes from diet, so it is nearly impossible to get adequate amounts of vitamin D from your food.

What are the food sources of vitamin D?

1. Fish liver oils, such as cod liver oil. Fatty wild fish like mackerel, salmon, halibut, tuna, sardines and herring2. Fortified milk, orange juice and cereal3. Dried Shitake mushrooms4. Egg yolks

But to get adequate amounts of vitamin D from food, you would have to eat at least 5 servings of salmon a day or drink 20 cups of fortified milk

My Doctor told me to avoid the sun, what do you think?

There is an old Italian saying "Where the sun does not go the doctor does."

For about the last 25 years, doctors (dermatologists in particular) have demonized sun exposure and repeatedly told us it is bad for you and causes cancer. But is that true? In the last few years, numerous studies have shown that modest exposure to sunlight may actually be good for you, helping the body produce the vitamin D it needs to keep bones healthy and protect against cancer, including skin cancer. Though repeated sunburns--in children and very fair-skinned people--have been linked to melanoma, there is no credible scientific evidence that moderate sun exposure causes it. Since it's almost impossible to get adequate amounts of vitamin D from food alone (including fortified milk and fatty wild fish), the sun is your best source. I'm not suggesting you go bake in the sun with your suntan oil or go to tanning salons. But getting some sun without getting sunburned makes healthy sense.

We evolved in the sun; we were made to get some sun, not to live our lives indoors and slather on sunscreen every time we go outside. If the sun is shining where you are today, get out and enjoy it, talk about a free natural treatment! All you need is a little common sense when heading outdoors, do it gradually and always avoid sunburn.

Special Note: Remember to take antioxidants when you sit in the sun, as these can help prevent skin cells from sun damage.

How much sunshine do I need?

All living things need sun, the key is balance. Too much sun exposure can cause melanoma and skin aging, while too little creates an inadequate production of vitamin D. The amount needed depends on the season, time of day, where you live, skin pigmentation and other factors. As a general rule, if you are not vitamin D deficient, about 20 minutes a day in the spring, summer and fall on your face and arms or legs without sunscreen is adequate. It doesn't matter which part of the body you expose to the sun. Many people want to protect their face, so just don't put sunscreen on the other exposed parts for those 20 minutes.

If you live north of 37 degrees latitude (approximately a line drawn horizontally connecting Norfolk, Virginia to San Francisco, California) sunlight is not sufficient to create Vitamin D in your skin in the winter months, even if you are sitting in the sun in a bathing suit on a warm January day! The further you live from the equator, the longer exposure you need to the sun in order to generate cholecarciferol}

How a lot of vitamin D do I need?

How much vitamin D you wish varies with age, body weight, % of body fat, latitude, skin coloration, season of the year, use of sun block, individual variation in sun exposure, and - in all probability - however unwell you are.

As a general rule, previous individuals need quite young people, huge people need a lot of that tiny people, fat people need more than skinny people, dark-skinned people need more than honest injured people, northern people need more than southern people, winter people need more than summer people, sun block lovers need more than sun block haters, sun-phobes need quite sun worshipers, and unwell individuals might have more than we tend toll people.

What I and lots of of my colleagues round the country are finding is that even people disbursal what we thought was adequate quantity of your time within the sun, are still appearance with low blood cholecarciferol} levels. i'm unsure why at this stage however there's a simple and low-cost solution...vitamin D supplementation.

How a lot of vitamin D ought to I supplement with?

Most necessary is that you simply take vitamin D3, (cholecalciferol) the active style of vitamin D. don't take vitamin D2 because it is not as biologically active nor as effective, and nor as safe as vitamin D3. And taking the right amount is crucial, most doctors tend to under dose. The current recommendations from the Food and Nutrition Board of the U.S. Institute of Medicine: from 200 to 600 IU/day depending on one's age, are way too low. These values were originally chosen because they were found to prevent osteomalacia (bone softening) and rickets

Here are some guidelines

If your blood level is above 45ng/ml and for maintenance, I recommend 2,000-4,000 IU daily depending on age, weight, season, how much time is spent outdoors, where one lives, skin color and obviously blood levels

In other words if you are older, larger, living in the northern latitudes during the winter, are not getting sun and have dark skin, I recommend the higher maintenance dose.

If your blood level is 30-45 ng/ml, I recommend you correct it with 5,000 IU of vitamin D3 a day for 3 months under a doctor's supervision and then recheck your blood levels.If your blood level is less than 30 ng/ml, I recommend you correct it with 10,000 IU of vitamin D3 a day under a doctor's supervision and then recheck your blood levels after 3 months. It takes a good 6 months usually to optimize your vitamin D levels if you're deficient. Once this occurs, you can lower the dose to the maintenance dose of 2,000 - 4,000 IU a day.

What are the symptoms of vitamin D deficiency?

There is no clear pattern of symptoms. In fact many people remain asymptomatic despite low levels. But here are some of the more common symptoms:

Fatigue

General muscle pain and weakness

Muscle cramps

Joint pain

Chronic pain

Weight gain

High blood pressure

Restless sleep

Poor concentration

Headaches

Bladder problems

Constipation or diarrhea

What about vitamin D toxicity?

It is impossible to generate too much vitamin D in your body from sunlight exposure: your body will self-regulate and solely generate what it needs. though terribly rare, it's attainable to dose and become venomous with supplementation as cholecarciferol} may be a fat soluble vitamin and thus hold on within the body for extended periods of time. Therefore if you're taking 5,000 IU or a lot of daily, you must have your blood levels monitored or so each three months.

What biopsy should I actually have to visualize my vitamin D levels?

The only blood test that may diagnose vitamin D deficiency is a 25-hydroxy-vitamin D (25 Ohio vitamin D). Unfortunately, some doctors are still ordering the incorrect test, 1,25-dihydroxy-vitamin D. In fact a common cause of high 1,25-dihydroxy-vitamin D is a low 25(OH)D or vitamin D deficiency. So when doctors see the 1,25-dihydroxy-vitamin D is normal or high and tell their patients that they are OK, they are often vitamin D deficient.

Your doctor should do this test for you. Unfortunately even some of the labs, in particular Qwest, have had problems with correct results, usually giving erroneously high results.

If you don't want to go through your doctor, the ZRT lab does a blood spot test that you can order without going through a doctor.

What is the ideal blood level of 25 hydroxy vitamin D?

The current ranges for "normal" are 20 to 55 ng/ml. These are much too low!!! They may be fine if you want to prevent rickets or osteomalacia, but not for optimal health. The ideal range for optimal health is 50-80 ng/ml.

How often should I have a 25 hydroxy vitamin D blood test?

At least once a year especially at the beginning of winter. If you are supplementing, I suggest you monitor your vitamin D levels approximately every 3months until you are in the optimal range. If you are taking high doses (10,000 IU a day) your doctor must also check your calcium, phosphorous, and internal secretion levels each three months

My doctor prescribed Drisdol, 50,000 IU per week. what's it?

Drisdol may be a prescription of 50,000 IU tablets of cholecarciferol}2 or ergocalciferol. cholecarciferol isn't vitamin D however it's similar. D2 is not ordinarily found in humans and most studies show it doesn't raise a pair of5(OH)D levels additionally as (cholecalciferol or vit D3) does. If you're vitamin D deficient, the most effective issue to do, is to require vitamin D3.

Can I take cod liver oil to urge my vitamin D?

Although Cod liver oil contains a good quantity of vitamin D, it conjointly contains high amounts of nutriment A. vitamin A antagonizes the action of calciferol and may be venomous at high levels.

Why is there a deadly disease of vitamin D deficiency?

It is calculable that anyplace from thirty to one hundred pc of yankees, relying upon their age and community living environments, are deficient in nutriment D. quite 1/2 all American youngsters are vitamin deficient. purportedly nearly 3/4s of pregnant ladies are vitamin D deficient, predisposing their unborn children to all or any styles of problems. Worldwide, it's estimated that the epidemic of vitamin D deficiency affects one billion people. In my practice over 80% of patients whose vitamin D levels I check are deficient. No one is exactly sure why this is happening apart from the fact that we spend too much time indoors and when we go out into the sun, we lather sunscreen on ourselves. I think it must be more than that. But whatever the reason, the reality is we have a major epidemic on our hands.

What about the use of tanning beds to get my vitamin D?

I tend not to recommend them because we don't really know if they are safe. Because the light sources vary with totally different tanning beds, it makes them unpredictable associated presumably unsafe. In addition, most industrial tanning beds emit an unknown quantity of electrical phenomenon and since one is therefore on the brink of the particular bed, it's going to be an redundant high dose. in theory each these issues may be overcome, however really they typically are not.

#vitamins #exercise #diet #healthy living #health and wellness #health

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cardmeal9 · 4 years ago

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College Of Strathclyde.

Find And Buy Sarms In Canada

Content

A Bluffers Guide To Two Of Skin Cares Most Powerful Energetic Components.

Listing Of Sarms & Their Usages.

Staining Of Muscle Blood Vessels.

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Due to this till a new country determines to get the torch the SARM products on the marketplace will end up being less and far between as well as may also vanish totally. The adverse effects for S4 can be thought about above the various other SARMs stated as the noteworthy noted negative effects is evening blindness and/or a yellow color to your vision throughout the day. Information on its real communications with human beings is based upon observation and story and so much, it recommends that S4 does create visible gains in LBM and strength along with significant fat loss. The S23 SARM is a SARM, created by GTx, Inc as a potential man birth control. Yes, the purpose of this is nothing to do with muscle mass as well as strength yet to do with your sperm. It binds to the AR extra highly than the older SARMs such as Anadrine. Throughout these researches no adverse effects such as testosterone suppression or estrogen conversion occurred.

What SARMs to take?

The Best SARMs in 2020 1. Ostarine MK-2866 – Best SARM Overall. Ostarine MK-2866 is also known as Ostarine, Enobosarm, or GTx-024. 2. Lingadrol LGD-4033 – Best for Women. Lingadrol, or LGD-4033, is a SARM used to combat bone and muscle loss, resulting from osteoporosis. 3. YK-11 – Best for Fast Gains. 4. Andarine S-4 – Best for Cutting Fat.

It would certainly show up that Classified Nutrition is no longer selling Neurolytes pills as well as has altered its marketing, however the business is still marketing sporting supplements. Various other athletes have actually additionally been sanctioned complying with an AAF for ostarine, despite being determined that they had not planned to cheat. Simply over the most popular of which , two triathletes suggested that their ostarine AAFs were caused by salt tablet computers utilized to combat the results of dehydration. " They did give me a nine month restriction and I obtain it, I comprehend it", he claimed. " On paper it's nine months, but they've been great to me really.

A Bluffers Guide To Two Of Skincares Most Effective Energetic Ingredients.

The professional athlete's urine sample, gathered throughout out-of-competition doping control on December 4, 2016, disclosed the presence of SARM RAD-140, a prohibited anabolic agent. ostarine was not created to be a shrewd way to replace steroids. Examining techniques have been created and also reported for these drugs, with numerous athletes having evaluated favorable for Andarine. Due to the chemical structure being very different from timeless steroids it might have been thought that they would not be discovered in doping control examples, however tests have actually been established and will certainly continue to be so for any type of future targets. Be liable, and in 99.9% of instances, users will certainly not have any kind of side effects from making use of SARMs. SARMs have extremely little adverse effects, making them very popular and promising for that reason.

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Historically, the listing of athletes that have actually criticized supplements for an AAF is a very long one. Barnett has actually taken lawsuit versus Classified Nutrition, declaring that 3 different research laboratory results verified that Neurolytes pills consisted of focus of ostarine at around 150 nanograms per capsule.

Listing Of Sarms & Their Uses.

Because of the HPTA suppression a PCT is required blog post cycle for 4 weeks complied with by an equivalent or greater amount of time off after the PCT duration. The biggest downside with LGD is that it created modest to strong HPTA reductions for both total as well as cost-free testosterone. Overall testosterone lowered by simply over 50% contrasted to placebo. But hormonal agent degrees did go back to typical within 56 days after quiting with no PCT.

Does military test for SARMs?

The purchase of SARMs by a U.S. Navy Sailor does not fall under Article 112a of the UCMJ be- cause it is neither an enumerated drug nor on a schedule of the Controlled Substances Act. Further, SARMS are not currently tested for in routine Navy urinalysis.

According to the Oxford Academic Journal of Endocrinology, nonsteroidal SARMs have actually been made to affix itself to a location of the DNA responsible for skeletal muscle mass healthy protein synthesis. Until now, proof suggests subjects will certainly acquire between 3 to 15 pounds of muscle mass tissue over a 12 week duration. The amount of muscle mass hypertrophy hinges on diet, training, and the characteristics of the SARM. Other substances like GW thought about the type of endurance supplements as well as SR9009 are generally organized with SARMs, but are not the same. Nonsteroidal SARMs are created specifically for one type of lock, for that reason, it will only impact locations of the DNA that protect against muscle and also bone wastage while also advertising development in these locations. The difference between these 2 sorts of SARMs is most conveniently referred to as a lock as well as essential system, The cells in the body function as locks as well as the binding websites of the cells are are the keyholes.

Staining Of Muscle Blood Vessels.

The Sporting activity Resolutions decision in Webster's situation confirms that UKAD was unable to use him a decrease in his restriction due to the fact that, as he was keen to find the resource of the ostarine, he was not prepared to immediately admit an anti-doping rule violation. ' The Tribunal kept in mind that Mr Webster had attempted to examine the concern of contamination by sending out samples from six supplements for screening to DNA Legal', reviews the decision. ' Reports from DNA Legal outdated 30 August 2017 and 28 September 2017 confirmed that none of the examples checked included ostarine. " I had just altered 2 items in my training before that examination. I changed by BCAA amino acids, which I purchased from a store in Loughborough. I additionally got a protein pancake mix, which I have on an extremely uncommon occasion as a breakfast choice.

Research study SARMs are studied for their impacts on muscular tissue gains, bone thickness, healing time, weight loss and for any kind of unfavorable results they may create.

SARMs are similar to steroids, but they are not one and the very same.

The increase in testosterone from SARMs results in even more anabolic task, giving the body a side.

SARMs, or careful androgen receptor modulators, are a class of androgen receptor ligands discovered in the 90s, after the adverse effects of steroids had actually been far better considered.

Nonetheless, SARMs are understood for having minimal negative effects as well as no known red flags when taken within certain dosages, according to a recap of research study reported in Existing Opinion in Clinical Nourishment & Metabolic Treatment.

The Globe Anti-Doping Firm prohibits the use of SARMs in sport, no doubt as a result of their performance-enhancing impacts.

" I have actually been medication evaluated eight times and never had an issue", he explains. I had a test, after that concerning 3 or four weeks later on got an e-mail saying that I had actually failed the test as a result of ostarine. I googled it and also did my study, and after that took a seat and considered points. Biosci AbstractsBioscientifica Abstracts is the portal to a collection of products that provide a permanent, citable document of abstracts for biomedical and life science conferences. I can validate that UK SARMS is the only area you should be acquiring your PDs, why is straightforward, pure high quality item, and wonderful price, you obtain what you spend for individuals, additionally straightforward rapid following day postage. All of our items are made under good production methods in an ISO 7 medical-grade laboratory.

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In the 1940s, steroidal SARMs were used for medical usage in several illness consisting of cancer cells, hypogonadism, osteoporosis, as well as a variety of various other conditions that influence muscular tissue as well as bone wasting. Today is the last day of the month, so why not inform yourself that you are quiting using SARMs today. This most likely isn't the recommendations you truly wished to listen to, but I think that it's the very best advice for you. Very often in terms of the dosage of tablets per weight kind SARM, it is recommended to make use of one tablet each day for up to 80 kg and 2 tablet computers for greater weight. Nonetheless, this details must not be taken into consideration as a recommendation-- all the same, the dosage needs to be sensibly approximated based upon the supplier's recommendations and physician's suggestions. As a result, before taking SARMs you must believe thoroughly concerning it

Nonetheless, opinions on aware and also regulated dosage, focused on accomplishing the wanted impacts and also limiting the optimum feasible side effects are popular. SARM prep work are recommended for people with high training experience. Keep in mind that there are no magic pills that will do everything for you.

Andarine S-4 was developed to minimising muscular tissue wasting, promote stamina, and gain lean muscle mass. Ostarine was established as a therapy for muscle squandering syndromes by enhancing stamina and advertising muscle development. Cardarine was created to improve stamina, as well as increase fat loss. Ligandrol was established to enhancing lean muscle, enhance stamina, and also protect against muscle wastefulness. Contact us today for more information concerning SARMs body building supplements as well as we will be happy to assist with any kind of questions you may have for us.

Yes, I want to receive updates about items & services, promos, special deals, news & events from Killer Nutrition. The maximum number of items that can be contrasted is 3, if you want to compare this product rather than one more you have actually chosen please deselect the item as well as replace it with the item you wish to compare. We make use of cookies to boost your experience, show you products you might like and also save your cart. BPC157 Germany discloses that SARMs are "generally well-tolerated" in clinical trials, with "lower prostatic effects in men and also virilising effects in females". " Anabolic steroids are known for a whole host of undesirable negative effects." SARMS were first created totally by accident in the early 1990s.

A UKAD agent confirmed that it has taken care of simply two ostarine cases throughout the past year. This consists of Webster as well as Stephen Costello, a 60 year old amateur biker who reported several AAFs, but suggested that he had actually drank smoothies containing the supplements prepared by his partner for her very own use. USADA supplied to test the items used by Wallhead, despite him being based overseas in the UK, and also also sourced its very own supplement bathtub to verify his claims. It sustained his attempt to decrease his sanction for an ADRV he suggested was not his mistake.

They stated that although their providing me nine months, the firm and its internet site had actually been red flagged, and I must have googled the items. I simply acquired a bog-standard BCAA as well as I did check the ingredients. The varying methods of UKAD and also USADA boil down to the situations of each private situation, yet also experience.

SARMs Fitness Supplements Debate - Healthline

SARMs Fitness Supplements Debate.

Posted: Thu, 27 Sep 2018 07:00:00 GMT [source]

To make it worth taking SARMS, it is essential combine its usage with your own training and also nourishment as you can not expect to build muscle mass without placing in the job; this product merely helps the job you perform in the fitness center as well as in other places. With a routine training regular and an ideal diet plan, you must be able to accomplish your objectives, which will not only benefit you physically, yet also aid you to conquer any obstacles for you to beat your individual bests when training. We have actually consisted of "Selective Androgen Receptor Modulators" as well as SARM-like items into this group. We do not supply any kind of recommendations on the usage of these products as UK Legislation prevents this. Consumers should examine the legality of this product in their own nation before purchase. The manufacture and distribution of the raw materials to make SARMs was prohibited in China from 1st January 2020. The frustrating bulk of supplement components originate from China, with a niche like SARMs it's mosting likely to be someplace between 89-99% of basic materials.

Scientist Professor James T Dalton determined andarine - a SARM - while researching therapies for prostate cancer cells. Years later on, he developed an additional SARM - ostarine - and also while the advancement of these medicines for the cancer market discontinued, a black market became an outcome of their impacts. Male's Health joins numerous affiliate advertising programs, which implies we might make money payments on editorially picked items purchased through our web links to store websites. You ought to consult an accordingly qualified lawyer on any type of specific legal trouble or matter.

The info offered here was accurate since the day it was published; nevertheless, the legislation might have changed since that date. This details is not meant to be, and need to not be utilized as, an alternative to taking legal recommendations in any type of details situation. LawInSport is exempt for any type of activities taken or otherwise taken on the basis of this details. The Canadian Centre for Ethics in Sport revealed today that David Drouin, a biking professional athlete, obtained a four-year assent for an anti-doping rule violation.

Nevertheless, some clients did have light altitudes of liver enzymes (about 20%) as well as unfavorable modifications of lotion lipids (HDL down 27%). With the majority of the patients these degrees were still taken into consideration within typical range and not a high and even light cardiovascular risk. Ostarine is one of the most popular SARM on the planet, although it is non-steroidal it is carefully related to anabolic/androgenic in its activity. As it effectively promotes most significantly the Androgen Receptor in skeletal muscular tissue and also bone. It is much less active in "androgenic" tissues such as the prostate or sex organs.

#BPC157 EU #BPC157 Europe #information BPC157 EU #information BPC157 Europe #EU BPC157 how does it work #Europe BPC157 how does it work

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blubushie · 2 years ago

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good morning, this is someone from the discord but i won't say who because i don't wanna get yelled at (sorry!) you said you're intersex, how's that work? if you don't mind talking about it? i'm sorry if this is rude!

I wouldn't have yelled at you even if you'd asked there!

Doctors "determined" that I'm 46,XY-DSD, but there's a fair chance that I've got some other stuff going on because if I am that, I'm atypical. I also have PAIS, partial androgen insensitivity syndrome.

I'm atypical in two regards: one, most blokes with PAIS 46,XY have micropenises. Mine is normal. Two, gonads (or, at least, ovaries) aren't present with 46,XY. When I was born I looked completely normal externally and no one knew that I was intersex. We knew I had some issues because my hormones weren't working properly, I wasn't growing properly, and I was at risk of osteoporosis, but we didn't exactly know what that was about. My actual problems didn't start until puberty, when I was about twelve or thirteen and started getting these bad stomach cramps once a month. Doctors couldn't figure out what the fuck it was and after five months of that I was sent in to test my androgen levels, which is how they found out about my fucked up oestrogen/testosterone issue. And at this point my parents started noticing that I was getting a more feminine silhouette, so something was defo up. I was put on testosterone supplements but that... didn't really help much, because my oestrogen levels were still too high.

Also I couldn't get erections at this point, for some reason. Doctors think it might've been because of how my penis itself is structured. Either way, it doesn't get enough of a blood rush to actually get erect. Most I can manage is just a half-there erection. Sensitive but not noticeable as an erection to anyone but me.

So after three years of this shit (and being put on T) I ended up with a masculine silhouette, but I still grew breasts. Very large breasts. Not fun, and everyone hung shit on me for it.

And doctors still didn't know why the hell my oestrogen levels were so bloody high, so they gave me an ultrasound and it turns out the reason why I was having those cramps is because my abdominal muscles were clenching as a result of me having a hormonal period, and that was caused by the fact I had a very undersized ovary on my left side. We'd always thought I was just born without a left testicle but nah, it was an ovary. I can't recall if it was just ovarian tissue or an actual ovary. Either way, I got a laparoscopy but instead of going directly through my stomach they entered at the base of my penis (there's reason for this, I'll get to that in a tic). So they removed my one single ovary that'd been causing so much trouble, and at the same time they were doing that they also put in an implant so I can get erections, which works out just fine. There's a little button I press that fills two rods in my penis with fluid whenever I want an erection, and the erection does not go away. It lasts until I crack my dick in half like a glowstick, which then releases the fluid back into the reservoir. All in all it works great, I love it, and everyone else either thinks it's weird or adores it since I can keep my erection indefinitely no matter how many times I orgasm.

Also on that note, I don't produce much semen. My prostate doesn't work properly and produces very little and my seminal vesicles are undersized so I can only make enough semen for maybe two rounds and then I'm dry, and it takes me about a week (or sometimes two) to refill my seminal vesicles. On the plus side, this has helped train me to orgasm dry, so there's that. Also my knacker is fucked so I don't produce viable sperm (though luckily I do produced testosterone, just... not much). I'm completely sterile (though I reckon I would probably be sterile anyway because of whatever's going on with my chromosomes).

Anyway, a few months after I went through all of that, I finally got top surgery (and some reconstructive surgery on my penis because there was some shit there that was a little fucked. Mostly tight skin, I'm fine now).

I'm still embarrassed about the top surgery scars, mostly because people see them and then they assume I'm trans (like gynecomastia isn't a thing) and they wonder what's in my daks, and it's even worse when I take my clothes off because then they see that scar at the base of my penis and wonder about that and assume phalloplasty and it's a whole thing. It sucks all around. I get assumptions from trans people, I get assumptions from cis people, I was at Bondi once with my shirt off and had a trans tourist bloke walk up to me and start discussing it because "I was the only other trans guy on the beach" and it was hell to explain that we aren't brothers in that regard. I'm kinda shunned from both groups. I don't fit in with other cis blokes because I'm very visibly not like them (once my shirt come off, at least) and I don't fit in with trans blokes because I'm also not like them (even though they keep trying to claim me whenever they see my scars). This (and a feeling of being exposed in general) is a big reason why my clothes stay on during roots.

Since you're in the Discord you might've seen that thing yesterday where everyone revealed they thought I was transmasc and Wander said I'm the world's most transgender cis man, which... is amusing, in a way. And not wrong. I've been on T, I've had top surgery, I've gotten a penile implant, I've had an oophorectomy, I chose my own name. So it's not wrong. I've kinda been back and forth between everything, and for a long while I struggled with my gender because of my outwards appearance especially as a teenager when I sounded and looked like a girl before I was put on T. Even when I was actively living as a girl for two years until I was 16, I just did it to fit in. I passed as a girl, people only ever saw a girl, and that... bites. A lot. My therapist was insisting I was a transgender girl, and that things would be less stressful if I transitioned and just embraced my feminine side, so... y'know. Peer pressure. I became a girl.

And that's the origin of the whole "bushgender" thing. My concept of gender is still very much fucked between that and the autism. This is also why I hate wearing skirts. Or any clothing that registers as feminine to me. Or just... being feminine. Femininity is a major sore spot for me. Which is hilarious, because I like it on other people. Really like it on chicks. I just hate it on me.

Anyway, that's about as well as I can explain it. I've got all the male bits (and then some female pieces) but none of them (except my penis now) work all that well. We don't really know what's wrong with me, but to cover my arse the docs say it's very atypical 46,XY-DSD. My chromosomes haven't been examined yet but I reckon that 46,XX is actually the more likely. 46,XY means I'm biologically male on a chromosomal level, and my genitals reflect that, but the presence of ovarian tissue suggests I'm defo not 46,XY since that's never present in that condition. The more likely of the two is that I'm 46,XX, which would make me biologically female from a chromosomal perspective. It would also explain my height and my issues with testosterone production while also explaining my normal-appearing genitals, since 46,XX often results in normal male genitalia but primarily results in hormonal issues (which is what I primarily have).

So yeah, we're going with 46,XX.

#blu whos #code blu

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vands38 · 5 years ago

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things i wish someone told me about coeliac disease (UK edition)

apparently some doctors are still not telling coeliacs what they actually need to know so here’s some fun facts --

*coeliac disease is likely to go undiagnosed if you don’t have digestive symptoms. for a lot of folks, their first symptoms are odd things like weight loss, bloating, mouth ulcers etc that take ages for doctors to correctly diagnose as coeliac disease. I know someone whose only sign was tingling in her fingers (nerve problems are a Thing sometimes). I don’t wanna freak folks out but check this list of symptoms and if you’re worried, ask your doc for a blood test to check for coeliac disease. I went in and out of my docs for years with various symptoms (mostly from the anaemia) and no one caught it until I was finally having noticeable digestive trouble.

* coeliac disease an autoimmune disease. not an allergy. not an intolerance. when you eat gluten, your gut just screams NOPE and throws everything out of there.

* this means if you keep eating gluten you will have serious long-term health problems because your gut can't absorb shit

* as I mentioned, anaemia is one of these associated health problems. a lot of people have this at diagnosis b/c your gut hasn’t been absorbing the nutrients it needs. it leaves you very weak and tired, and the longer it goes on, the worse it gets.

* long-term anaemia / malnutrition causes so many fucking health problems I can't list them all. basically, if your body sucks, there's a good chance it's a side-effect of your coeliac disease going undiagnosed. I got shitty joints and a shitty heart and shitty bones and godknowswhatelse and every time my doc is like "hey, guess what? it’s coeliac disease!"

* you know what a common side effect is? LACTOSE INTOLERANCE. this is because, once again, your gut hates you from all that gluten you've been killing it with, so it starts to muck around and kick out other things too. but good news! most of the time this is reversible!!! lay off any lactose for a couple of months, reintroduce it to your diet slowly, and you -- like me -- might be a-ok

*some folks with coeliac disease can’t digest oats either as they contain a similar protein. I found that I was kinda squiffy with them at first but as soon as my gut had calmed down I was a-ok with GF oats (this is good b/c 99% of good GF biscuits are made with oat flour, RIP to everyone that can’t eat them)

* so... your bones are probably fucked. if you were diagnosed early and your doctors are on it, you might be okay but for a lot of people it means osteopenia, and further down the line, osteoporosis (meaning it's v easy to break bones). you need to be eating, like, double the regular amount of calcium every day. most people are put on calcium tablets with combined vitamin D (to help absorb the calcium) but even on top of that, you need to be getting a lot in your diet. If you're still lactose intolerant then switch to lacto-free versions of dairy products or eat tofu like there's no tomorrow. It's super important that you get enough.

* relatedly, bone health!!! You should be doing MODERATE impact exercises like jogging to strengthen the bones but nothing high-impact like tennis. load-bearing exercises are good too. here’s some examples (in detail) given to me by the rheumatology dept

* people have different sensitivity levels. in the UK, certified gluten-free products have to be 20 parts per million or less, but in the US this is 100! marmite lives somewhere between these two and can cause some coeliacs to have a reaction. please be aware when you eat international gluten-free foods that they might have more parts per million than your body is used to

* because you're super sensitive to gluten, not only do you need to check the bold allergens on the ingredients, but the small print too. it might say "made in a factory that handles gluten" or "may contain traces of gluten" and that’s a no-go

* similarly, be careful in restaurants. Apparently it's still perfectly legal for restaurants to say a dish is "gluten free" and then put your nice GF bread in the same fucking toaster as regular bread and have you shitting your pants for days. Just because the ingredients are GF doesn't mean they're cooking it in an allergen-conscious manner. If its not a Coeliac UK certified restaurant, always ask about their methods. Is that milkshake made in a GF blender? Is your fry-up cooked in a separate pan? The first time I got glutened after my diagnosis it was because my GF naan bread shared a tray with a regular one. A lot of places won't even fucking think about this stuff.

* if you're in a gluten-eating household, you've got a big expense coming up. you need to buy a GF toaster at the very least and I would recommend also a separate baking tray (because pizzas, garlic breads etc stick to that shit like no tomorrow) and a saucepan (or anything else that regularly contains pasta/noodles/etc). You'll also need a separate bread knife and board. Separate butter. Separate strainer if you're the type to drain your pasta. Line anything suspicious (e.g.your sandwich toaster, a communal baking tray) with baking parchment. Don’t use bare rungs in your oven or hob. And buy separate spreads and condiments, unless your household is very well trained in not dipping their crumb-covered knives into those things. I've even got separate plates, kitchen utensils, and cutlery. It seems extreme but I haven't had a cross-contamination incident since. Just think: has gluten touched this? And if so, do your best to minimise the risk.

* living GF is expensive long-term too. GF bread costs twice as much as regular bread. Restaurants often charge extra for GF alternatives. I had to switch from having toast in the morning to cereal because it's much more reasonably priced. I eat more fruit than I ever have before just because GF snacks cost so much. I used to have breakfast bars lol say goodbye to that shit unless you wanna be broke

* things I didn't realise I couldn't eat: crisps (a lot of your standard crisps are made with ??? production methods), candied nuts (most of these are made in factories that handle gluten), soy sauce, strawberry laces and a whole bunch of fave sweets (contain wheat starch to bind them - check this list for safe sweets), marmite (you can buy a GF yeast extract that is only 50% worse than the original)

*good food you actually can eat: most cadburys but not most nestle, GF beer which tastes exactly the same, schar pretzels are actually the shit, so are their BBQ pringles and those little chocolate bars with hazelnuts, Morrisons free from frozen mini hash browns will cure your depression, M&S do these bacon tortilla rolls which... OH BOY. Quiche alternatives are pretty damn good but I've yet to find a pizza that doesn't make me want to cry.

*speaking of supermarkets... Morrisons stock a good range of stuff and tend to have everything in one aisle, M&S have many yummy (and expensive) treats, Sainsbury's has good own brand things including bread, Tesco's are fairly decent and stock a lot of baking things, ASDA are the king of GF cake, if you're still lacto-free then Waitrose sell LF cheese including halloumi, and check your your local hippy food store because I found the best goddamn bread in mine (Incredible Bakery Company - you are £4.50 a loaf but I have no regrets)

*party risks: if there's a BBQ, insist that your things go first or have a separate BBQ, or, if worse comes to worse, just eat cold snacks. (Beware of sausages! Many aren't GF!) If its a chip and dip situation, either everything has to be GF (easily done) or have your own dip. BUFFETS ARE LITERALLY OUR WORST NIGHTMARE. the amount of coeliacs I know that have been glutened at one are INSANE. even if those tasty treats are labelled 'gluten free' they've probably be contaminated. everything at a goddamn buffet is contaminated. Dinner party? Well meaning friends will want to cook for you but unless their kitchen is set up as above, it's safer to bring your own food -- if you're very lucky, you will have friends who take the time to learn about allergens and will clean every item in their kitchen before cooking and serving an entire GF meal. these friends are to be treasured -- nay, worshipped.

*fast food. there’s no good way to put this but you’re never having that guilty pleasure 2am burger again. mcdonalds fries are miraculously GF though. (a lot of takeaways recycle oil so even if the ingredients are GF it’s often not safe but mcdonalds always use a separate fryer for chips). indian takeaway is great as most dishes don’t contain gluten. on the flip side, you’ll only be able to have about 5 items on the chinese menu (soy sauce is in everything, yo) so be prepared to learn those 5 items by heart. dominoes do Coeliac UK certified GF pizza!!! (buuuuut not during covid). chains like pizza express have got our back and will even serve you GF doughballs

*coeliac UK are your best friend! most of the things I’ve mentioned are described in detail on their website. they also have a barcode scanner app that will tell you if foods are safe, and they have a restaurant guide, and useful things like translation guides for when you go abroad.

That's all I've got right now but hmu with any questions or corrections. Take care of yourself, folks. <3

#coeliac disease #celiac disease #gluten free #info post #allergens #i just could not see another incorrect comment on the coeliac uk facebook page without doing something #i'm sorry #i'm well aware this is of interest to approx three followers #but #someone might need to hear all this #because my god i definitely did when i got diagnosed #long post

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survivingthejungle · 6 years ago

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hopeless wanderer iii—vikings

You got home without so much as a bump in the road and immediately took care of dressing yourself before anyone else. “Listen to me,” you whispered harshly before leaving to the bathroom to change. “Nobody breathes until I get back.” You had been joined by Ivar, Hvitserk, Sigurd, and Ubbe, of course; they were your original “tour group”. But then two others had surprised you when they asked to tag along— Bjørn, and the man himself, Ragnar. You allowed them, of course, because the more the merrier, but it also meant that getting enough clothes to make all of them blend in would be nothing short of a nightmare. “I’m gonna go see if my parents are still home.” They all nodded and you crept down the stairs to scope out the first floor only to find your mother about to walk out the front door. “Are you about to leave without telling me bye?” you asked her, nearly giving her a heart attack.

“Oh my God! (Y/N)! You scared the hell out of me,” she gasped, placing a hand on her chest. “I thought you were still asleep. Sorry, hon.” You hugged her and kissed her cheek. “Bye bye, lovey-dovey.”

“Bye, Mama. Love you.” With that she was out the door, and you and your Viking friends finally could move about freely. You knew your father wasn’t home because he typically left to work at about 5 A.M., and it was at least 8 currently. You watched through the peephole in the front door until her car left the driveway before calling upstairs. “You can come down now! My mom just left!” A band of footsteps swiftly followed—except for Ivar, who was aided by Hvit and Ubbe— and they all joined you at the bottom of the staircase.

“You live in a castle!” Hvitserk exclaimed. “I’ve never seen a house this big. Is your family royalty?”

“Oh, absolutely not. No such thing as ‘royalty’ around here,” you reminded them. “My parents just have pretty decent jobs, so we make enough money to live comfortably. This is a pretty average house compared to the rest.”

“I would like one of these houses,” Ubbe mused, looking around at everything he could see.

“Are y’all hungry?” you asked them, already walking towards the kitchen.

“Will you make us those sweets from yesterday?” Hvit asked you, pushing through his brothers to get next to you.

“No. I’ll make breakfast. Cookies are for after dinner,” you mildly scolded like a mother would a child. “If you guys want eggs I can do that. Or waffles, or bacon, or whatever. Whatever you want.”

“Next time you come back to Kattegat, (Y/N),” Ivar piped up from the floor—I really need to grab that wheelchair—, “We might not let you go.” He said it in the tone of a joke, but part of you knew he could also be serious. “You cook for us and give us clean clothes and know the future; I might make you my wife.”

Sigurd scoffed. “Yeah, and then what?” His brother shot him a hardened glare; it was obvious there was some deep, unresolved tension between them.

“Attitude. Sigurd, stop. Ivar, shut up. I’m not marrying anyone anytime soon; end of story, thank you!” You opened up the fridge door, indicating for them to take seats either at the kitchen table or the island. You grabbed a carton of eggs, milk, butter, cheese; pretty much anything you could use in breakfast foods. From the pantry you brought out waffle mix, oatmeal, and cereal, and found the waffle iron and skillet in a different drawer. After setting everything out on the counter, you turned to open the door to the basement. “‘Kay, breakfast is coming in a minute. I’ll be right back!” you called, already halfway down the steps.

It took a few moments, but you finally found where your mom’s old wheelchair had been stashed away and hauled it back upstairs. “Someone help me get this thing set up,” you suggested to no one in particular. Ragnar and Bjørn were the closest to you, so they got up to help. After stabilizing the wheels and locking the leg rests into place, you wheeled it over to Ivar and they followed, ready to get him settled. It took a minute or so, but they managed to get him seated and you got his legs propped up into place. “Do you wanna give it a test run?” you asked him. He looked at you blankly, clearly not understanding. “You can try to move it yourself, if you want. Just push the wheels.” The three of you backed away from him as he tested it out, rolling himself forward a couple feet.

“This is amazing!” he exclaimed, grinning at you. You smiled back, glad to be able to help your new friend.

“Ya think you can turn it?” You let him try to figure it out on his own, and after a couple fumbles, he managed to turn his direction to the right. “Nice!” You paused. “To make it easier though, we can just push you around for today. You can work on self-propulsion later.” Everyone nodded in understanding and you returned to your post in the kitchen, ready to get cookin’.

They fell into what you assumed was normal morning conversation for them, but you paid little attention to the words being exchanged. You were too focused on trying not to let anything burn; you were working on multiple dishes at once and couldn’t be watching them all at the same time, after all. You were only one girl. You heard the echo of your name and looked up from the eggs you had scrambling on a skillet. It was Ubbe trying for your attention.

“What are we doing today?” he asked you. “What is part of this ‘visit’ you are taking us on?”

“Oh! I’m so glad you asked!” you responded, taking the eggs off of the heat and attempting to deposit them evenly among the seven plates in front of you. “First order of business, I say we get coffee. There’s a little cafe in town—it’s my favorite—, and then we can… probably…” you trailed off, trying to think of how else you could fill the time. “Oh, my mom needed me to go grocery shopping,” you remembered, glancing at the credit card taped to a post-it note on the fridge. “So we can do that. And then we can go to the park! My friends and I are meeting there today to play soccer for a little bit. You can watch; or we can teach you if you want!”

“What… what is that?” Bjørn asked.

“Soccer?” He nodded. “It’s a sport, like a game. You— you’ll get it when you see it,” you assured him. You were also half-busy piling chocolate chip waffles onto everyone’s plates, so your explanation wasn’t necessarily adequate.

“You said your friends will be there?” Hvitserk asked you. You nodded and gave an mmh-hm. “How are you going to explain... us?”

“Oh, wow, good question,” you pondered. You racked through ideas in your head for a moment until a decent solution came to you: “Family friends. I’ll just say your family’s friends with mine because of business and stuff. And you’re visiting from Norway. Problem solved.” You walked around to everyone, handing out plates and silverware; and when you had finished doing that you brought them orange juice. Finally finished serving them—that sounded downgrading— you seated yourself on the kitchen counter and dug into your breakfast. After the first few bites, Bjørn broke the silence.

“This is delicious! What is it?” he asked, mouth stuffed and eyes wide.

“Chocolate chip waffles! Aren’t they great?” He nodded, taking another bite. You had drizzled syrup onto everyone’s just to ensure that they were extra sweet.

“Please, never stop bringing food for us,” Ragnar laughed. “This is much better than what we have in Kattegat.”

“That’s the beauty of the twenty-first century, my friend.” An idea crossed your mind. “Speaking of which…” you glanced at Ivar. “Hey, Google!” They looked at you like you had two heads. “Good morning!” The confused stares continued until the ‘assistant’ responded.

“Good morning, (Y/N),” the robotic voice responded. The stares of your friends intensified about tenfold as the robot continued to speak. “The weather today will be sunny, a high of seventy with a ten percent chance of rain. There is no traffic on the highway this morning. You have no new reminders.”

“Cool,” you said, more for yourself than for the robot’s sake. “Hey Google? What are diseases that make your bones weak?” Ivar looked at you with suspicion in his eyes; he knew you were asking because of him, but he wasn’t sure what your goal was.

“Here are some diseases with the symptom ‘weak bones’: low bone density, osteoporosis, osteogenesis imperfecta—”

“What’s osteogenesis imperfecta?” you asked, interrupting the list.

“Also called ‘brittle bone disease.’ A group of inherited disorders characterized by fragile bones that break easily.”

Ivar’s eyes widened along with the rest of his brothers and his father. “That’s me!” he told you excitedly, “That’s what I have!” He was grinning; he looked like a puppy.

“Then that’s what we’ll tell people you have, if anyone asks,” you responded. You smiled back at him. You weren’t expecting to help them make a big life discovery today, but you were glad that it had turned out that way.

—

You had a car full of ninth century Vikings in your car within the next hour, all wearing clothes that you had lent them from your dad’s closet. In the passenger seat was Hvitserk, followed by Ivar and Ubbe in the middle two seats; Sigurd, Bjørn, and Ragnar were sitting in the back three seats. You’d had to teach them all how to put on a seatbelt, and once that fiasco had been dealt with, you started the car up and connected your speaker system to the music on your phone. “Where is that coming from?” asked Sigurd,”Where are the instruments? Who’s playing this music?”

“It’s coming from my phone. I don’t really get how it works, either, but it’s going through the speakers in my car; there’s not actually anyone playing it right now.” He nodded as if he understood; it was obvious he didn’t, but he pretended to anyways.

The song in question was Edge of Seventeen by Stevie Nicks, one of your favorite songs in the world. It was playing at medium volume, but you were in the mood to scream-sing along.

The weather had been beautiful that day. It was the middle of summer, it was warm outside, and the sun was shining. You rolled all the windows down and grabbed your sunglasses off of the hook on your sun visor, sliding them onto your head before cranking the volume up—not too loud, you didn’t know how sensitive they’d be to the noise, but a noticeable amount higher. Your eyes were trained on the road, like any good driver, but when you glanced to your side or in your rearview mirrors, you could see the awe written on their expressions because they’d never had an experience like this before. “How are you moving this?” Hvit asked you, voice slightly raised above the music and the hum of the wind.

“Gasoline!” You told him, not looking too far away from the road ahead of you. You were a fast driver. That isn’t to say you were going sixty miles above the speed limit, because you were still getting out of your neighborhood; but you were definitely going about forty in a fifteen zone. “Are we having fun?”

Ivar, clearly, was not. “This is worse than being at sea,” he groaned, looking like he was going to be carsick.

“Ooh. Sorry. I’ll slow up.” You let off the gas and slowed down, turning the music down as well and turning up the A.C. for him. “Better?”

“Yes.”

“Damnit, Ivar, why do you always ruin everything?” Sigurd was explicitly pissed off at his brother, which was not too unusual. Before the fight could escalate you shut it down.

“Hey! Shut up. If he’s feeling sick I’m not gonna just let him throw up in my car. Get over it. And stop fighting, Jesus! You two are acting like children! Be mature!” They both glared at each other, and then Sigurd glared at you through the rearview mirror. You’d had enough of their bickering, and his attitude. “Sigurd, I will turn this car around and march you all straight back to where you came from. Don’t make me regret this.”

Ragnar, Bjørn, Hvitserk, and Ubbe erupted into laughter. They’d never seen either of the boys ever put into place like that, especially not by a woman who wasn’t their mother. They couldn’t’ve been more amused.

“You will have my boys trained like dogs in no time with that attitude,” Ragnar laughed. You couldn’t help but chuckle with the rest of them. A few minutes passed by, filled by your singing along to your music while the Vikings looked around their new surroundings, fascinated. You pulled into the parking lot outside of the coffee shop.

“We’re here! My favorite place in the world. Do you guys ha— well, no I guess you wouldn’t. Who wants to try coffee today?”

“What is it?” Bjørn asked you.

“A drink. It’s made from coffee beans and it gives you energy. But it is a bit of an acquired taste, so you might not like it at first.”

“It sounds strange,” Hvit noted.

“It is. But I love it. I’ll just get two drinks and you all can try it and see if you like it,” you said, opening your door and getting out of the car, keys, phone, and wallet in hand. The Vikings managed to unbuckle themselves after a few moments and followed after you. You grabbed the wheelchair out of the back for Ivar and he Ragnar got him situated. When you walked in, it was relatively calm and quiet, and you sincerely hoped not to disturb the peace— or rather, you hoped that they wouldn’t disturb the peace. A few heads turned to observe the six gigantic men trailing after a young girl, but you paid them no mind. The Vikings looked all around the building, very confused by it all. You told them you’d tell them all about it once you were seated—outside, so that no one heard you. You ordered two iced caramel lattes from the barista, paid her, and waited for your drinks to be prepared. “I ordered them cold, because it’s too hot outside to be drinking hot coffee, in my opinion. And I got it flavored so it isn’t too bitter for you all. …I hope.”

It wasn’t a busy day so your drinks were ready soon after, and you popped the straws in before handing one to whoever was closest to you, who happened to be Ivar. He looked up at you blankly before grabbing the cup from your hand. He eyed it for a moment, took a sip, and grimaced. “I don’t know if I like it or not.”

Hvitserk rolled his eyes. “Give it to me. Make your mind up.” He took a sip, considered it, then took another. “It’s...good, but very strange.” The rest of the boys all tried it, didn’t know how to feel about it, then tried it again. Your favorite comment came straight from the man himself, Ragnar:

“I want to hate it, but… I like it.”

“See what I mean? Acquired taste. Anyone wanna finish it?”

Hvitserk grabbed it. “Yeah, I’ll drink it.” You chuckled.

Back in the car, you grabbed the shopping list your mom gave you and read over it for a moment. Hvit remained in the passenger seat and looked over your arm, trying to get a look at the list as well. You showed it to him. “Can you even read this?”

He stared at it for a few seconds before shaking his head. “No. What language is that?”

“English. But—” Ivar interrupted you.

“I can speak the Saxons’ language. Give it to me, I will read,” he demanded.

“You aren’t going to be able to read this, but I guess you can try,” you relented, and handed the list back to him. He flipped it around a couple times before handing it back. “That is not English.”

“Yes it is. But, as I was about to say, it’s not the same English that you know. The language has evolved over the past thousand years, and so has the writing.” You had pulled out of the parking lot and were now on the highway to where the nearest supermarket was.

Ubbe spoke up. “Where are we headed now?”

“The store, to go grocery shopping. It’s like a market, except everything is all sold in one place, and you buy it from the store, and not from another person.”

“That seems stupid. Where does the money go?” asked Bjørn.

“The people who own the stores. And the people who work there, but they don’t get as much as they should. You’re right, it is stupid; but it’s how the Western world does things.”

The closer you got to the store, the less keen you were on bringing six ancient Vikings to your local Kroger. You’d stick out like a sore thumb with them all trailing behind them, regardless of whether or not they were dressed to blend. And you couldn’t send them off to fetch items for you, they couldn’t read and they probably wouldn’t know what to look for, anyways!

You pulled into the parking lot and found a spot, putting the worries to the back of your mind. Get over it, (Y/N), this is your life now. You gave them all a warming before anyone get out of the car. “First thing: Automatic doors. There’s a wall of glass at the front that’s gonna open when you get close to it. Don’t let it freak you out. Second thing: absolutely no eating the groceries until they’re bought. Just… follow me and don’t act weird. Try to blend in.”

#vikings #vikings imagine #ragnar lothbrok #ragnar imagine #bjorn ironside #bjorn imagine #ubbe ragnarson #ubbe imagine #hvitserk ragnarson #hvitserk imagine #sigurd snake in the eye #sigurd imagine #ivar lothbrok #ivar the boneless #ivar ragnarson #ivar imagine #i! hate! tagging!

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yslanam · 6 years ago

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next week i get another spine injection (non-steroidal this time). the first one worked for about 2 weeks but not only is it ridiculous to get shots in your fuckin spine every 2 weeks, the steroids can increase your risk of osteoporosis later in life if you get repeated applications. so they’re gonna try a different kind of injection and see if that works any better.

as for my hand/wrist/arm pain, i had more x-rays, which showed... nothing. as i expected. so far all the blood work (including a rheumatology panel and i’m not sure what else) has also shown nothing. my GP says she has a theory, but she wants to see the results of my nerve test next month before she tells me.

my shoulder isn’t doing too great. i have 2 more weeks of physical therapy left, but it’s been worse since i crunched it and tbh my hand pain can make it difficult to do some of the exercises. GP asked if i want to extend PT, but i already have and i’m not sure it would even help. i’m under the impression she thinks all this pain is related, so she said we could talk about it more after the nerve test.

#health stuff #chronic pain

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cassolotl · 7 years ago

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TESTOSTERONE!

SO! Today was big, but also feels weirdly uneventful!

Remember back in July 2017, when I said that my GIC clinician was happy to refer me to the clinic’s endocrinologist for low-dose testosterone? Today was my appointment!

It was with Dr Seal, who was very helpful and professional. Here’s how it went and what he told me.

He asked me a lot of questions about my family history, particularly with regard to gender/sex difference, breast cancer and heart problems. The heart-related questions were because men and other testosterone people are more likely to have heart attacks and heart disease. The breast cancer question was because I need to still check my chest for lumps, since I still have mammary tissue in my chest (despite the double mastectomy). He also investigated my hormone situation (no uterus or cervix, but working ovaries, history of endometriosis, how long my cycles were when I had periods, etc.) and we talked about sexual health stuff too. He measured my height, weight and blood pressure.

He asked why they left my ovaries in, which is something it makes a lot of sense for him to ask, but also people don’t often ask me that. I said that at the time I didn’t know whether I wanted to go on testosterone or not (it was a couple of years ago), and since they were working and healthy I might as well leave them in and continue to get free osteoporosis-preventing hormones for many years to come. Also I kinda like my hormonal cycles now that I don’t have hideous pain and bleeding. He seemed pretty satisfied about all of this, and didn’t seem to be expecting or pressuring me to be Full Dude on any of this stuff.

We then talked about my body and where I would like it to be on a male-female spectrum (bang in the middle) and where I feel it is (sort of halfway between female and neutral). He was very clear that we were talking about purely physical characteristics, and not gender identity or anything psychological/emotional.

We talked about each physical change that would happen as a result of taking testosterone, how I felt about each change, and whether they were reversible, and in which order they were likely to happen.

He said that genital growth tends to happen in the first few months, and is usually about 1-2 inches, and is not reversible or preventable.

He said that voice pitch changes very gradually, and starts to accelerate and break at 9-12 months. Voice changes are not reversible.

Around the same time as the voice breaking, facial hair tends to start growing around the lips and jawline, and I would look (for want of better words) like a woman who’s a little bit hairy. (He was aware that he was maybe being a little insensitive here, but I understood that there wasn’t really another good way to get his meaning across.)

He said that I might see some redistribution of fat - smaller hips, and bigger arm muscles.

Body hair. Basically what it sounds like, and it tends to happen early on. Can be removed with various temporary and permanent hair removal treatments.

Baldness. I thought he said boredness, and I was like, okay, that’s one I didn’t know about... I forgot to ask him if this was less likely with a low dose!

Mood changes. This can happen right away. He said I might feel more aggressive, my sex drive might kick up a notch, etc.

Loss of hormonal cycles. Basically testosterone levels out the hormonal cycle that involves ovulation and triggers menstruation when you have the appropriate bits, so you’re likely to lose any periods that you do have and you don’t get those ups and downs that come with that.

I can’t remember any more!

So the main reason I want testosterone is to make my voice sound more ambiguous. The ideal situation is that someone hears my voice and can’t tell whether I’m a man or a woman. Aside from my hips (which are hard to change without full-dose testosterone and a path to full dudeness), my voice is the one thing that’s making people say “oh sorry, I mean madam” right now.

Here’s how I feel about everything on the list:

Genital growth - neutral to positive.

Voice pitch - very positive!

Facial hair - neutral to negative, but it’s treatable.

Redistribution of fat - positive.

Body hair - neutral to negative, but it’s treatable.

Baldness - negative.

Mood changes - they’d be temporary, provided my ovaries kick in as expected once I’m done testostering myself. (He said that since I am young there’s less likelihood of early menopause from T + hysterectomy.)

Loss of hormonal cycle - negative, but it stops when I stop taking T.

I feel like there were more things that I’m missing out!

Anyway, he was happy to go ahead and recommend that my GP prescribe testosterone in a gel, which is easier to manage with the low doses. I can use more gel if my docs agree to a higher dosage, without having to get a new prescription - and I can stop using it and see things go back to normal immediately, which gives me more control as a nonbinary person seeking an ambiguous pitch.

So that’s exciting! And he was pretty great at getting my pronouns right when he was taking notes into his voice-to-speech doodad, which is always nice. :) He said that the recommendation letter would go out ASAP, and then because I hadn’t had blood tests recently he sent me to the Charing Cross Hospital drop-in for blood tests (5-10 mins walk away, 30 mins wait).

Overall, a very successful trip. :D

The reason it feels strangely uneventful though is because nothing happens until my GP gets the letter, and I will know when that happens because I get CCed on it. And then I’m thinking that I would like to not start the hormones until I am seeing a gender therapist every two weeks at CHX, which could take a while - I need to email and get back on the waiting list.

Update 14th Sept: I got the prescription recommendation letter through! So the timeline for Charing Cross NHS GIC endocrinology letters looks like this right now:

Appointment: 6th August 2018

Letter written: 24th August 2018

Letter received: 14th September 2018

About 1 month and 1 week between the appointment and the letter being received.

Previously, on Cassian’s Transition:

A continuation of this previous post.

Worked out I was nonbinary and trans in November 2010.

Came out first to Tumblr in December 2010.

Went to my GP in April 2011, and was referred to the community mental health team (CMHT) and an endocrinologist. The CMHT no longer need to refer you - the GP can refer you directly to your GIC.

First appointment with CMHT re: nonbinary transness in May 2011. Second in August 2011, with someone higher up.

Referred to Charing Cross Gender Identity Clinic by CMHT in Sept/Oct 2011.

Went to see the local endocrinologist Dec 2011, and discussed hormones, and came to the conclusion that there was no hormone that met my needs yet.

My first appointment was 2nd April 2012, about 6 months after I was referred by the Community Mental Health Team.

I’ve been pretty consistently asking for chest reconstruction surgery and no hormones.

At my fourth GIC appointment in October 2013, the CHX clinician says they’ll have a surgery decision about me made in a few days.

In January 2014, after 3 months of my doctors discussing it, I got a letter saying I was being recommended for chest reconstruction under certain conditions.

In April 2014 I had a half-hour appointment at CHX for discussing those conditions, which was very informative on the NHS and how they feel about nonbinary people.

I was referred to my surgeon (Victoria Rose) at the beginning of May.

At the end of May 2014 I had a letter from my surgeon asking me to call and make an appointment for an initial consultation.

Two months later, in July 2014, I went to that consultation. I had a pre-op the same day, and was then put on the waiting list. I was on the waiting list for 4 months.

In November 2014 I was contacted and given a date for surgery - with less than two weeks’ notice.

My surgery date was 18th November 2014 - three years and two months after first being referred to my GIC. Everything was fine and good. Here’s my preparation and some before and after pics.

Here’s the 8-week top surgery follow-up in January 2015.

July 2017 - Dr Lorimer approves a referral to Dr Seal (endocrinologist) for low-dose testosterone.

Today’s post was written 7 years and 9 months after I worked out I was nonbinary.

#original posts #cassian's transition #cassian's hormones #nonbinary

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mt-musings · 2 years ago

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Bluebell

Chapter 37

After being abruptly transferred to the BAU at what she suspects was Gideon's request, Cassie Boann struggles to find her footing. Shy and solitary by nature, the transition is made all the more difficult when Dr. Spencer Reid seems to take an almost immediate dislike to her. Unfortunately for them both, their respective areas of expertise leave them paired off more often than not. But when Cassie's past literally starts hunting her, Spencer is forced to consider that he might, in fact, not hate her at all.

Quite the opposite, actually.

Spencer Reid x OC

Warnings: Canon typical violence, kidnapping, stalking, drug use, blood, injury, death, PTSD, eventual smut, more tags to be added

Series Masterlist

Read on AO3

37. Disarm

Gideon stared at the girl across from him in the narrow diner booth, staring out the window. She was thin, her black curls wild, freckles more prominent for how pale she’d become. She wore a black sweater that was at least four sizes too big for her and a pair of ripped jeans, both clearly worse for wear. Her sneakers were dirty and too small, judging by her stride walking in and the left hinge of her glasses had been repaired with scotch tape. There was a fading bruise on her chin, right below the healing split to her lip.

“Are you going to tell me what happened to your lip?” He asked, trying to catch her eye, to get her to look at him. She’d refused to do so since he’d picked her up.

“Nope,” she replied, popping the P. He sighed.

“If you’re being mistreated—“

“What does it matter? It’s not like the next placement will be any different.”

“We can find you a better placement. I can call Robert right now and work it all out.”

She didn’t answer, just continued staring blankly out of the window.

“Bebe—“

“Uncle J, just leave it, okay? It doesn’t matter.”

“It absolutely does matter.”

“Just—can we talk about something else? You’re here because of those murders down by Akron, right? The dude with the machete?”

“It’s not an appropriate conversation to be having.”

“Why not? It’s in all the papers.”

“Because you’re ten.”

“So? It’s not like I haven’t seen people hacked up before.”

Gideon sighed.

“How’s school?”

“Boring. Every time I transfer they’re always reading Catcher in the Rye. If I have to read it one more time I might finish Reagan off myself. I’m starting to think Hickley was on to something.”

“That’s not funny.”

“It’s a little funny.”

They both looked up as the food arrived. Gideon thanked the waitress as Bebe dug in, not bothering to wait for it to cool. She ate too fast, like she was scared it would all disappear.

He’d have to call Robert.

“Do you have any new leads? ‘Cause I was thinking maybe you should get the lab to test for bisphenol in the first hundred microns of the bone. I mean, the amount of osteoporosis present in the last one doesn’t fit the profile of the others, unless there was a contributing environmental factor that accelerated bone density loss.”

“We’re still working on it. I’ll see what I can do, I have a contact down at the lab that owes me a favor.”

“Tell them to check for phalates and pesticides too, they can also lead to bone loss.”

“How’d you learn all that?”

“They got computers at the library here, you can find pretty much anything on them. Only decent thing about this place.”

She turned back to her food.

“Got anything planned this weekend?” Gideon asked.

“Like what?”

“Don’t you have games on the weekend? I thought you played soccer.”

“In Virginia, when I was six. Besides, I’m at the high school. Everyone in my class is almost four years older than me. They’d wipe the floor with me.”

“What about at the Parks and Rec department? It’d be good for you to do something with kids your own age.”

“Why? They’re boring, and I’d rather go to the library. I have to think about college.”

“That’s still a ways off.”

“Not really. Unless WitSec screws up my transcripts again I’ll be applying in three years. Two, if they let me skip Sophomore year like I want to.”

“Three years is still a long time.”

“Not that long. Then, once I finish my I can join the Bureau,” she said, avoiding his gaze.

“You have to be twenty-three to join the Bureau.”

“Not if they make an exception, which they do for special candidates. And I have an IQ of 174 and have been studying forensic analysis since I was nine, so they’d be stupid not to.”

“And what if we find him before then?”

“Then I’m going to be an archeologist and study genomic trends in the evolution of early hominids, or go excavate old tombs or something. I don’t know."

"I thought you wanted to be a concert pianist, like your dad? You were always so talented."

"Can’t really consider it as long as Shit Head keeps sending me vertebrae, can I? Plus, it's not like I can practice anymore.”

“We’re going to find him.”

She stared at her plate for a long moment, a white knuckled grip on her fork.

“You know, I got in trouble last week? For ‘ignoring’ my history teacher? ‘Cause she kept calling ‘Adrienne’ and I just got used to Madeline. And by the time I get used to Hanna it’ll be Sydney, or Julie, or Claire. This is my fifth placement in less than three years.”

“I know, kiddo. I’m sorry.”

“Why can’t I just come back to Virginia with you?”

Gideon felt his heart break a little at the words, at how small she sounded, at the tears welling up behind her eyes.

“You know I’m on the road all the time with cases.”

“I can take care of myself. I promise, you won’t even know I’m there—“

“You know that’s not the problem. No judge would sign off on it. You’re still a kid, you need someone looking after you.”

Bebe just stared at him a moment, defeated, before turning back to the remainder of her meal. It was the same argument they’d had a dozen times, the same heart-rending conclusion. But she always asked, even though he knew she knew what the answer would be.

He took her to the bookstore next door while he called Robert from Witsec to see how quickly he could get her moved. She disappeared into the poetry section, shoulders slumped.

“How fast can you move B39567’s placement?”

“The kid? He sent another one?”

“No. But she’s showing signs of abuse. Won’t say anything but it’s pretty clear.”

“Shit, alright, I’ll see what I can do. It’ll probably take me at least until the morning though. You good with keeping her until then?”

“Of course. Just let me know what you come up with.”

“Will do. I’ll call you when I have something.”

He hung up. Gideon sighed and turned around, looking for wherever Bebe had wandered off to. He found her at the back of the shop, engrossed in a thick volume. He watched her for a moment, noting the way her brow had softened for the first time since he’d picked her up, how she looked nearly her age, just eleven, despite the fact that she was tearing through Witold Gombrowicz’s Cosmos. That she resembled her father so much in that moment, book in hand, that he could almost hear the old, crackling vinyl copy of Debussy playing in the background, the scent of Panamanian cigars thick in the air.

Gideon still remembered how Rasmus had doted on that little girl, remembered the look of unadulterated joy on his face when he and Liliya had first introduced her, how happy he’d been to be a father. He’d watched his friend shift, as if his world had a new gravitational pull centered in his daughter, how his life revolved around what was best for her.

He wondered, if he had lived, what Bebe would have been like. She’d always been clever and curious, but she’d grown morbid and withdrawn since her parents’ deaths, sharp and secretive.

He turned away, towards the anthropology section that was little more than a shelf and a half. They didn’t have anything on the genomics of early hominids, but they did have a book on the mummies of the New Kingdom. He grabbed it without flipping through it, crossing back to where Bebe still read, cross-legged on the floor.

“Come on kid, we’ll take it to go. We’re going to go pick up your stuff and get you set up at the hotel while Robert finds you a new placement.”

She stared at him a moment, no relief in her expression, only resignation, before double-checking her page number and getting to her feet. He handed her the other book as he lead her to the counter, digging his wallet out of his back pocket.

“Thought maybe this way you could get a head start on that archeology career,” he said, raising a brow.

She huffed a laugh, the corner of her mouth barely twisting up in the hint of a smile.

---

It should have been a textbook takedown.

Spencer didn’t know when it had all gone so wrong.

Cassie had rounded the corner first, gun drawn and the unsub had leapt out and pistol whipped her. She dropped to the ground, gun clattering out of her hand. He’d kicked it out of reach.

Spencer had never been a good shot. He’d failed his recertification more than once in his time with the BAU, something he was thoroughly ashamed of.

He fired twice, trying to focus keeping his gun steady, on aiming and following through. The first shot missed, the second grazed his bicep. He whipped around to face Spencer, gun aiming straight for his chest and he braced himself, hoping the vest under his FBI jacket would catch the worst of it, his mind instinctually calculating the amount of force he was about to be hit with considering the make of the gun and distance between him and the barrel.

He couldn’t help but remember the last time he’d stared down the barrel of a gun, after being beaten and forced to dig his own grave, panic seizing him. Even if the unsub shot him in the vest—at this distance it still could be enough to kill him. And that was if he aimed for his torso at all. A head or neck shot would leave almost no room for survival, and even a shot to the thigh could sever the femoral artery and leave him with minutes before he bled out.

A shot rang out, but there was no pain, no force to throw him back. Instead he watched a spray of viscera explode out of the top of his head before he dropped like a stone. Cassie still lay where she’d fallen, gun still pointed at the place the unsub had been only a second before. She lowered her arm, eyes searching his face.

“Are you okay?” She asked, pushing herself into a seated position. There was blood streaking down her face, one eye already purpling and swelling, and she was asking him if he was okay.

He was still frozen to the spot, eyes wide as he took in the damage. He was still stuck halfway between his panicked memories and the scene in front of him.

Morgan burst into the room from the door at the other end, followed closely by Hotch who took one look between the unsub dead on the ground and Cassie dazed and bloodied and dropped his grip on his gun in favor of his walkie talkie.

“I need medical in here stat, I have an agent injured and a dead suspect,” Hotch said, cataloguing the unsub’s wound. “Who took the shot?”

“I hit him in the arm, Cassie hit him in the head.” He just nodded.

Morgan crossed to Cassie’s side and crouched in front of her, examining her face. It was bleeding profusely from the laceration under her eye, but that was to be expected of a head wound. Still what concerned him was how unfocused her gaze was.

“Alright sweetness, how many fingers am I holding up,” he asked, holding three up. She looked at them a second before answering dryly.

“Too many.”

Morgan snorted. “Sounds like you might have a concussion.”

“Feels like one,” she groaned, words coming out slightly slurred as she clumsily holstered the gun still in her hand, “What happened to my other gun?”

Spencer crossed wordlessly to where it had ended up on the other side of the room and handed it to her. She hummed something indistinct by way of thanks. She tried to examine it but gave up after only a few seconds and holstered it underneath her other arm, dropping her head back against the wall and letting her eyes slip shut.

She murmured something indistinct.

“What was that?”

Spencer slid down the wall to sit next to her, examining her face for himself. The laceration wasn’t as long as he’d first thought, though it was fairly deep. She’d definitely need stitches—he’d have to make sure they had a plastic surgeon do them to make sure there was minimal scarring. He knew how much the bothered her.

He shrugged off his jacket, flipping it inside out so he could press the soft cotton lining to her cheek to attempt to stop, or at least slow the bleeding. He knew it wasn’t sterile, that he was introducing all sorts of bacteria to the area, but he also knew that injuries to blood-rich areas like the head were more likely to lead to death by exsanguination. He’d judge by the amount of blood running down her neck and pooling in the hollow of her collarbone that she’d lost about 300ml.

She melted into his side and groaned, making a face as she looked up at him through half-lidded eyes.

“Said I fucking hate Ohio.”

Morgan laughed, shaking his head, and even Spencer cracked a smile.

---

Spencer had insisted on being the one to accompany Cassie to the hospital, not that anyone had particularly fought him on it. He’d insisted on staying by her side throughout everything—the consult, the CT scan, the stitches.

Cassie had insisted on an MRI as well, though she’d struggled to articulate why. The concussion diagnosis had been fairly glaring and the doctor seemed inclined not to argue with either of them. Spencer knew enough to insist on physical and digital copies of both the tests for Cassie’s perusal later.

The doctor had found zygomatic bruising on the MRI—no doubt why Cassie had insisted on it—but said it should heal naturally in the next month and a half as long as the inflammation was kept in check. She’d prescribed a strong anti-inflammatory drug as well as a narcotic pain killer for the bone bruising and for the flight home, which she said would make the concussion more painful.

She’d taken both before they boarded the jet and curled up on the couch, pulling the neck of the oversized Harvard sweatshirt he’d found in her bag up and over her head to block out any light. Spencer wanted nothing more than to hold her, to be close enough to assure himself that she was, in fact, okay. But he couldn’t, because they’d both decided it was better to not tell the team. So he sat at the table with JJ and Morgan and Prentiss playing cards, sneaking glances at Cassie whenever he got the chance.

Hotch gave them a few days off when they landed—it had been a few cases since they’d had a proper break, not just a handful of paperwork days. Spencer had assured both Hotch and Gideon that he’d make sure Cassie got home safe, something that elicited raised eyebrows but no further prying.

Morgan had been far less subtle, yelling “See ya, Lover Boy!” from across half the parking lot. Spencer had just ignored him, focusing on making sure they got to the train station in one piece. He didn’t know if it was the concussion or the strength of the painkillers, but she wasn’t exactly steady on her feet, or present. She curled into his side on the train, dropping her head onto his shoulder.

By the time they made it back to his apartment it was dark. He left their bags by the door to deal with later and led Cassie to his room. He made sure she was perched on the bed before crossing to the bathroom. He returned with a damp washcloth and gently scrubbed the remaining blood from her face and neck, from where it had pooled along her collar. He apologized each time she flinched, doing his best not to aggravate anything further. He pulled out a clean pair of his own pajamas for her to change into, closing the door behind him as he crossed to the kitchen and retrieved an icepack and a pair of water bottles.

He knocked on the door to his room, waiting a few moments before cracking open the door. Cassie had managed to change, though she’d put his old CalTech shirt on backwards, her bloodied clothes left in a heap. She was curled into a ball at the end of the bed.

Spencer turned down the sheets, setting the water bottles on his bedside table next to the ice pack. He coaxed her up and under the sheets, making sure she was propped up enough to help with the swelling.

He pressed the icepack into her hand, guiding it to her cheek. “Keep this on, it’ll bring the swelling down. Would you mind if I hopped in the shower before joining you?”

She shook her head. He grabbed her clothes and dumped them in his hamper, trying not to be struck with the simple domesticity of the action. It took him precisely seven minutes and forty-eight seconds to wash the remains of her dried blood from his skin and change into pajamas. He tiptoed back to the bed, expecting Cassie to be asleep. He climbed into bed, pressing a featherlight kiss to her forehead.

She hummed, slowly blinking her eyes open. He reached out and tucked a stray strand of hair behind her ear.

“How’s your pain level? The doctor said we should be concerned if it went up more than 2 points on the pain scale.”

“It’s okay. About the same.”

“That’s good. Tomorrow I’ll go out and pick up some omega three and antioxidant supplements, they’re supposed to help accelerate at least the first stages of healing. You should also increase your daily protein intake. I can swing by your place, too, if you give me your keys, and grab you some comfy clothes and anything else you might want for the next week or so—“

“You don’t—I’ll get out of your hair tomorrow.”

“What—no, Cassie. You’re hurt, you need someone to look after you.”

“I’m okay, Spence. I’ll just sleep. You should enjoy your days off.”

“Hypersomnia could be an indication of more severe or worsening symptoms. Besides, I’d enjoy them more with you, knowing you’re okay. Just let me take care of you, alright?”

Cassie just stared back, her lower lip trembling. A tear streaked down her cheek, then another.

“Oh no, Cass, is it your head?” He asked, panic flooding him. Sudden worsening symptoms could indicate a brain bleed and she’d been hit right by her temple, which gave the highest chance of hemorrhaging. The doctor had said the CT and MRI had been clear, but she could have missed something that got exacerbated by the flight and the pressure inside the cabin.

She shook her head slightly, wincing at the motion.

“It’s stupid.”

“It’s not. Please?”

“I—You’re taking such good care of me and it’s just—I know how to take care of myself and get by because I’ve been doing it since I was a kid, but I don’t know how to let someone take care of me.”

She dropped her gaze, fingers tightening on the icepack as she pulled it from her face. Spencer felt her words like a punch in the gut—He’d practically raised himself, after his dad left. He’d been the only person he could truly count on. He loved his mother fiercely, but her condition had made it impossible for her to ever play a consistent caretaker, and more often than not meant that he took care of her.

He was sure growing up in foster care wasn’t much more consistent.

“Hyper-independence is a really common reaction to trauma, especially when experienced in childhood. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, but I also don’t ever want you to feel like you have to suffer alone. I’m here for you—I want to be here for you, to take care of you. Please, let me.”

“I’m—I’m trying.”

She swiped the tears from her face harshly, forgetting about her bruised cheekbone and fresh stitches. She swore, the curses a jumble of English and Ukrainian, pressing the icepack back to her cheek.

“This is worse than being stabbed. I need my brain and it’s so stupid right now,” she whined.

Spencer couldn’t help but huff a quiet laugh at her scrunched up, angry face. She glowered at him for a moment before her face softened.

“I mean, it, I’d rather be stabbed than have garbage brain.”

“Then you better listen to the doctor and rest, so you recover faster.”

“I always listen to you. Mostly.”

“Alright. Rest and let me take care of you.”

She snorted, closing her eyes. “Are you tired?”

“Not yet.”

“Would—would you read to me?”

“Not Child of God,” he said, smile evident in his voice.

“No—no. You pick, just—just want to listen to you.”

“Alright. Just hang on a second,” he said as he got up. Cassie gripped the blankets tight for a moment, the hint of a smile playing on her lips. Spencer shook his head and laughed as he crossed to the living room. He scanned the shelves, finally settling on an anthology of Pushkin he’d purchased after devouring the one she’d gifted him. Not in Russian, but he supposed it would do, for tonight.

He walked to the entryway where he’d left their bags and dug out both of their phones and chargers—even with a promised three days off it was best to be prepared. He paused over Cassie’s open bag, looking at the transparent yellow bottles nestled on top of her hastily folded clothes. Diclofenac for reducing the inflammation and hydromorphone for the pain. He knew it was the generic for Dilauded, knew that the doctor had over-prescribed, knew what a bottle like that would run for.

He picked up the bottles and just weighed them in his hand. Then he shook his head, plugging in both of their phones before returning to the bedroom. He set the pill bottles on the nightstand nearest Cassie and climbed back into bed. She curled up next to him, head on his chest, arm around his waist, eyes still closed.

He wrapped an arm around her as he started to read, tracing loose patterns across her skin. She was fast asleep barely a half hour later, her hand gently gripping his shoulder, her breath warm against his chest.

He marked his page before closing the book and setting it aside. He could, of course, finish it in another half hour if he read at his usual pace. Instead he just stared at Cassie asleep on his chest, absently playing with her hair.

The bruising was worse now than it had been in the hospital. Her right eye was nearly swollen shut and blackened, as was her cheek and temple. Stitched shut the laceration was only two inches long, running from under her eye up to her temple.

The single blow had been hard enough to bruise bone, to leave her dazed and unsteady and nearly incapacitated, but she’d still made the shot.

If she hadn’t—

His stomach lurched at the memories of the graveyard, of the sting of ropes against his wrists, of woodsmoke and burning liver.

He leaned over before he could sink any further into his thoughts, grabbing the bottle of Dilaudid. He shook one into his hand before shoving the bottle back on the far nightstand and dry swallowed it before chasing it with one of the water bottles.

He knew he shouldn’t, knew he’d been working so hard to stay sober,cbut in that moment all he could think of was the both of them dead on the ground, their brains splattered all over the concrete.

He’d jump back on the bandwagon tomorrow. It was only one pill, after all and it was less potent than the stuff he’d been using before. It was just a brief stopover to get him through the night.

He kept telling himself that until he drifted off into fuzzy, dulled sleep, arms still holding Cassie close.

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#spencer reid #spencer reid x oc #criminal minds fanfiction #criminal minds #multichapter #slow burn

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yunasightx · 6 years ago

Text

Names and Puzzle Pieces( aka , give me the Mcmercy fam fluff!))

(Behold this monster that has literally been sitting on my flash drive for a over a year and a half. I have no excuse for this fic besides the fact that I’m a sucker for wholesome expecting family fluff�� and that goes double for this pair. Literally.)

Disclaimer:

As I stated before, this fic has been sitting around for a while .. so I really did not go through it with an ultra fine tooth comb (( and is also the reason why there are some characters, like Moria, who are not mentioned even though they have a strong relation to members of the original Overwatch--- especially in regards to Mercy and Mccree’s past. They simply were not around at the time when I wrote the bulk of this. I added Brigitte in last minute though , because it was a bit easier to mention her....and i may also ship her with a certain rocket-jump gal ))I did try my best, but I really just wanted to get it over with. So, apologies for Iand grammar issues. I may go back to edit later if I see anything insanely obvious.

In the meantime, happy reading and enjoy! ))

Tornborjn,

I just looked over the schematics you sent me. So far, the upgrade looks promising – but I’m a little concerned about stress the additional weight and momentum might put on the joints in Fig 4. Reinhart is not as young as he use to be ( despite what he might boast about) , and while an extra booster might help the Crusader Suit have a little bit more of the “OOMPH” the two of you are looking for …. Osteoporosis is not just something that is exclusive to women. Which reminds me…. I believe you are overdue for your yearly physical as well, Bärchen <3.

Angela

Ps. I highlighted the issues I think need a second glance. Maybe we can get lunch next Tuesday to look them over? I have been craving grilled fish and sriracha something terrible lately.

Angela read over the email one last time, checking for the usual typos and general grammatical errors, before hitting the send button. The email blipped out of existence from her computer screen leaving only the default Overwatch logo quietly staring back at her.

The doctor leaned back in her chair with a content sigh, “Well, one thing down…. Several more to go.” She had spent the whole morning cleaning out her (what always appeared to be) constantly full inbox; replying to and sending out correspondences to anyone and everyone who had questions and concerns for the Head Doctor of the reinstated global peacekeeping organization. Angela supposed she could have been fielding most of them off to an intern, or even asked Athena for assistance, but she liked being proactive in things ---- and truth was… she needed SOMETHING to do for the next couple of months.

Angela glanced over to her Valkyrie Suit which stood like marble statue between the two pristine white and glass shelves behind her desk while her hand came up to rest on her still- rounding stomach. The lighting of the room gave the enameled white coating a soft iridescent glow and illuminated rest of the black, orange and gold details. The sight of it rising over the back of her chair, even with the wings powered off, as someone walked into her pristine office was something that she knew bordered on spiritual

She’d be lying if she said she didn’t miss the adrenaline, the rush, and energy of being on the field ,or being actively involved in something ; but while the she would always be incredibly proud of her first child ---- at the moment she now had other lives she had to care for first.

And she knew the others were in good hands; Lucio and Zenyatta were newer to the life style of being a Overwatch Field medic , but so far they had shown enough promise that most of Mercy’s fears had been eased. And dear darling Brigitte had taken the helm of that group in stride after dealing with patching up Reinhardt for years. They often came to her for advice, and she was very happy with how far all of them had come since joining Overwatch.

Angela actually had the sneaking suppression that donning the Valkyrie suit for so long was the reason why her pregnancy had been going so smoothly —for the most part— in the first place . The results weren’t completely definitive, but it seems wearing and handling experimental bio- nanotechnology over a long period of time had had some unforeseen side effects. One of which being what basically boiled down to slowing down the aging of Angela’s cells. It wasn’t much, just a under a decade in difference to her chronological age—-she would still age, she just wouldn’t have to worry about things like grey hair , wrinkles , mammograms, and arthritis as soon as everyone else.

Ana had joked the she should retire and just sell her product to a home-shopping network as the newest “anti-aging skin care line” --- then buy a nice little vacation home in Hawaii for her , McCree and the little ones ( with an extra guest house for their favorite “Nana”, of course).

But, Mercy knew that at nearly Thirty-Nine years of age she should have expected a myriad of complications with getting pregnant, at least naturally ---- especially with both her and McCree starting to push forty. So, when it had happened after their first try… it had come as a bit of shock. She and Jesse had talked about the possibility of children, the idea of growing their family just a little, but they had still had gone into the whole thing with a mindset of “if it happens, it happens”.

And when they discovered it they would be having twins….

Well, Mercy made a note to add gynecology and fertility research to her ever growing list. After she had to pick McCree off the floor that is.

But, aside from three and a half months of nightmarish morning sickness and the never ending whiplash of weird cravings, everything had been progressing surprisingly well.

Well… almost everything.

Angela’s thoughts broke off when she felt what was quickly becoming familiar fluttering of movement pushing against the palm of her hand. She laughed and lightly rubbed her fingers over the spot, “I guess nap time is over , hmm?” She hummed. She felt another little persistent nudge and sighed, “Right..... back to work!”

Angela braced her hands against the armrests and pushed away from her desk, before awkwardly hauling herself back to her feet; grunting as her center of gravity and new constantly-changing weight shifted back to her pelvis as her very round stomach curved out in front of her and her lower back arched in.

Angela knew she was surprising large, even with twins. She looked more like she was nearing the tail end of her third trimester with one child, rather than twenty weeks with two.

She had given up trying to button her lab coat and pants weeks ago, and forgot the last time she had been actually able to see her feet (were her toes still painted sky blue? Or was it lilac? Rustic orange ? The world will never know. ) Now, she just opted for breathable tunic dresses and a nice pair of stretchy leggings with her favorite pair of flats ——and when she was home, she all put lived in Jesse’s flannel shirts ( but, she had the feeling even they wouldn’t fit for much longer either at this rate..)

She thought about the closet of cute, but sensible new maternity wear Ana , Lena, Brigitte and Pharah had eagerly helped her shop for just a few weeks ago (with the former captain letting Mercy know she should be very thankful she didn’t have to be stuck with horrible fashion styles that were around when she was having Pharah… or the lack there of). She felt a bit guilty that she was growing out of them so quickly.

Then again….. technically the twins were farther along than twenty weeks. At least, from a gestational stand point.

That was other thing . The other unforeseen side effect of donning her Valkyrie suite for so long and so often. Besides slowing down her ownaging, somehow the twins were growing at a slightly accelerated rate. Not insanely or supernaturally fast, but every test her and Winston had run had proven they were consistently three weeks ahead of any normal development.

Mercy had gone back and doubled, even tripled checked her math, but it was hard to mistake the night that led to all of this. It was enough of an oddity that even though there had been no other complications, both of them agreed to err on the side of caution and treat her as a usual High-risk case and closely monitor her and the babies’ progress.

Angela huffed and braced one hand against her lower back as the other started rubbing circles along her upper right side, hoping to dislodge whoever decided to jam themselves between her spleen and ribcage. She waddled over to her stainless steel work station by the large glass wall that ran the length of the room and looked out into the hallway between her and the panoramic windows that viewed the deep shimmering blue waters of the Alboran Sea. She picked up the tablet she had left there and pulled up her own medical file, along with half- a- screen’s worth of notifications of upcoming appointments and tests. The lab results from her latest round of blood tests had just come in; most of her levels were fine, except her iron levels which were a tad little low (Angela rolled her eyes at that. Of course, Jesse’s spawn would be as obsessed with red meat as their father.)

She quickly scrolled through the rest of the results, then sent them and the reminded of her next ultrasound away with a flick of her fingers before pulling up several medical files and the list of Overwatch agents who she still had to hound down for the yearly physical. Thankfully, a majority of the list was already highlighted in bright blue, but there were still a handful of names in red ---and most of those she didn’t even need to look at to know who was dragging their feet to the medical wing.

Let’s see…..Genji came in for his exam Monday, so he’s done. Hanzo was on time, as always. Lena is tomorrow—I’ll need to remind Winston about that. Mercy tapped Tracer’s name and informed Athena to let her fellow scientist know about his needed assistance.

“Shall I also remind Winston that it is time for his exam as well, Dr. Ziegler?” The AI suggested helpfully.

Mercy laughed, “No, I don’t think that will be necessary. I’ll just recruit Lena to help me hold him down, you know how he can be.”

The AI let out a slightly computerized sigh, “Unfortunately, all too well I’m afraid.”

I will probably have to drag Torbjorn here myself after lunch next week …And I will probably have to ask Ana , Pharah, and Brigette to help with Reinhart, The doctor sighed as she turned back to her list, her fingers briefly hovering over the names that were blocked out in black---- the white lettering spelling out the identities as sharp and finite as a row of marble headstones on a dark lawn. The files had been pulled over with the rest when Athena had backed up the old medical records from the original Overwatch.

Gerard Lacroix --- Deceased

Jack Morrison --- Deceased

Gabriel Reyes --- Deceased

Ana’s name had also recently been shrouded in the mournful color, but she had given her blessing to correct the outdated file. Her active status was now in the same bright cobalt blue as her daughter’s name near the top --- although, she had objected to also having her “Captain” title receiving the same treatment.

“I’m retired now, malak. These old bones aren’t fit to keep babysitting you brats all the time. Just leave me in the back with the rest of the old timers, and we’ll bail you kids out when you’ve finished having your fun.”

“76” on the other hand refused to go by any other name---- no matter how hard Angela or the others tried to convince him to reconsider, the old solider stubbornly refused to budge.

“The commander of Overwatch died at the Swiss base. If you want him, you can find him six feet under his tombstone in Arlington.”

As for the last two names….. well… despite their best advancements and research even science couldn’t truly bring back the dead.

And even then……….. Angela was not sure she would ever cross that line. She had toed it with Genji, even the very reasoning behind her own nanotechnology research flirted with that perilous edge …

But sometimes, the line between Man and God was drawn for a reason, and the price that asked was just too much to handle. You could make life, mend it, repair it if need be ----but you could not return light to a candle that no longer had a wick to burn.

Enough of that, Ziegler. Angela shook her head to clear her thoughts, and leave the past where it was supposed to be. She scrolled through the rest of the names until she came to one very familiar name that she wasn’t surprised was still in red.

“What am I going to do with him?” Angela sighed and tapped opened the file, so focused that she missed the metallic jingle of spurs and confident clomp cowboy boots sneaking up behind her.

“Boo.”

Angela jumped in surprise when two arms grabbed her from behind and that mischievous, honey-whiskey -warm voice smirked against the back of her ear. She shot a pointed look over her shoulder ( which lacked any real bite), but Jesse just greeted her with one of his charming smiles---- completely unapologetic as he leaned down and placed a kiss on the back of her shoulder as both of his hands drifted down to the sides of her stomach.

“How’re y’all doin’?”

Angela could feel his warm chuckle and smile against her skin when he felt one of the twins jab at the underside of his human palm, “Well, that one definitely takes after me. Not even out yet, and already tryin’ to start a fight.”

Angela rolled her eyes, but there was smile on her face as she turned her head and kissed his cheek. He had trimmed his beard a little bit from the wild bush he had during his vigilante days, and his hair was back to the style he had it during the prime of his days in Blackwatch . It was still unkempt and disheveled as ever, but Angela has always liked that length on him. And Jesse said he finally got sick having it stick to the back of his neck in the blistering heat and finding beard hairs in his whiskey.

“Did you just get back?” She could still smell the salt, sea spray, and limestone of Ilios on him, along with a bit of gunpowder and a little bit of nicotine. Jesse had reluctantly agreed to cut back on the smoking when they decided to try to start a family (only because she had threatened that he would have to bunk with Genji , Hanzo and Zenyatta for the next eighteen years if he so much as thought about lighting up around her or the children) , but when he was out on assignment he still smoked at a cigar or two. Mercy was at least grateful he wasn’t smoking a pack a day anymore.

He had cut back on drinking too. Genji had mostly been the one to thank for that----he and Zenyatta had been helping Jesse slowly deal with his demons over the last year and a half. For the youngest Shamada, it was the least he could do for his former Blackwatch brother and very dear friend, and the two now had a bond that went deeper than just former coworkers.

It was nice to see both of them smile so easily again.

Eventually, the two of them ganged up on her; and while she originally dug in her heels and refused to acknowledge the parts of her that she shoved and locked away in deep into the shadows, far away from anyone else (her failures, her regrets , guilt and blame and what ifs) ……it didn’t take a neuro scientist to know that something besides her work or adjustments to her suit was keeping her awake all night. And her heart was so much lighter for it.

“Just docked”,Jesse pressed another kiss against her shoulder before lifting his head a bit and resting his chin there with a deep content hum, “Figured I’d hide out here for a bit before having to face the paperwork.” He wrapped his arms under her stomach to pull her into his warmth, “Don’t think I’ll be able to keep doing this for much longer. What are ya feedin’ these kids ,Angie?”

Angela smacked his arm ,”Burgers and sriracha. And I wonder who I can thank for that.”

“Hey, don’t pick on me. I remember those paper bags you tried hiding under your desk,’ Miss McDonalds’.”

“It was Wendy’s.” Angela said automatically, not even phased about Jesse calling her out on her old guilty pleasure.

“Yeaaaaaaaahh,” Jesse drawled out with a lazy smirk that she could feel curl against her neck , “ but you’re gonna be stuck with a bunch ol McCrees so I figured it was more fitting.”

“Who said they were going to be “McCrees”?”

Angela had to bite down on her tongue from laughing as the charming “I’m winning this round” smirk slipped right off the gunslinger’s face.

“That ain’t very nice, Angel. Don’t be mean.”

“I am not being mean,” Angela had to try very to keep her voice clinical and matter-of-fact , instead of breaking out into the giggles that tickled in her throat. She knew it wasn’t nice to tease him like this, but it was cute when he pouted. “Technically, we are not married so—“

“And you told me you didn’t want that right now,” Jesse pulled away, and Angela knew instantly that she went too far. Frustration mixed with the jet lag and three sleepless nights of clearing out stubborn Talon agents from Greek ruins that lined the cowboy’s shoulders, giving him a wounded look that was worse than any bullet to her heart.

She knew without asking what his plan had been the moment he stepped on to the helipad---- a nice cold drink, kick off those dumb boots, and to spend the rest of a quite afternoon with the woman and mother of his children who had basically stolen his heart almost twenty-two years ago.

“ I offered it to you, but you said it wasn’t necessary. That is just a dumb piece of pa----“

Angela swallowed the rest of his argument by reaching out and pulling his head down to kiss him sweetly, putting a cooling balm on his temper. He seemed to have gotten the message because his shoulders instantly relaxed under her hands as his went to her widened hips and he shook his head with a gravely sigh, “I really don’t like how easily you can get under my skin like that sometimes, woman.”

She shook her head and gave him another kiss before pulling back and reaching up to apologetically smooth back his hair, pushing back a laugh when he tried to puller closer but her stomach got in the way, “ No, that was a terrible attempt of a joke. I shouldn’t have said it.”

Jesse had always been the more emotional one between them; the sentimental, passionate, and sweet parts of their relationship --- a simmering slow southern day outside of Sante Fe. Even after all these years, she still had trouble accepting that when Jesse McCree loved you he did it absolutely, openly, and without holding anything back----it was all or nothing for him.

When she thought back on it, Angela realized she never stood a chance.

For Jesse, a ring and wedding was more than just a tradition. It wasn’t a claim on her, or a way “to keep her an honorable woman” and their children from being born under questionable circumstances or the hundreds of other reasons people have married for over the thousands and thousands of years of human history.

It was a promise. One of the most important ones he could ever give, besides his oath to Reyes and Amari when they offered him a rank in Overwatch ----a chance to do something worthwhile and good.

Angela just didn’t know if she was worthy of that promise just yet.

She still had moments where she worried if she could do this. If they could really could do this. That whisp of doubt that had spread and thrived in the shadow of the ruins and rubble of the old Overwatch. In the shadow of her every regret and helplessness and weakness when everything she held dear crumbled right through her fingers. The one thing she could never heal and fix.

Those names flickered in her mind again.

....The names of those she failed to support.

But, she was more than willing to try.

As silly, confounding, confusing, reckless, and dramatic as her cowboy was ----she never really thought the idea of spending the rest of her life question her sanity around him sounded bad. Even back before the old Swiss base had been nothing but a pile of bitter-sweet memories, secrets, and rubble. Before they had answered Winston’s recall……and then decided to try to pick up the pieces each of them had been carefully tucking away during the years in between.

They weren’t puzzle pieces that fit together, but------

“ I think McCree is a lovely name,” Angela hummed as she pressed her lips to his cheek, just along the curve of the dark circles under his right eye, “ I also think you should have gotten more sleep. No offense, Jesse, but you look dead on your feet. And I am the doctor who is pregnant with twins.”

The cowboy gave a resigned sigh and sank down into a nearby chair, pulling her with him and across his lap since his arms had tried to find their way around her waist again. She placed her tablet down on the counter and shifted to make herself more comfortable, placing her hands over his as they followed the faint movements of the twins hands, knees, elbows, and etc pressing against her sides. “Just give this old cowboy a few minutes, Ange. I missed you somethin’ fierce out there,” He muttered against her skin as he rested his forehead against her shoulder again.

“You really should be taking better care of yourself.”

The gunslinger gave a soft chuckle at the old scolding that had lost its intentional bite years ago, “Acknowledged”.

Angela knew Jesse had a terrible time sleeping when he was away on assignment these days; which was more than unusual because she couldn’t think of a place at the Swiss base where someone had not seen him napping with his hat over his face and his boots probed up on a random surface. It would not have be long before said hat was slapped off, and he was dragged off by his ear for laps by a very grumbly Gabriel Reyes to burn off all that extra energy he had obviously been storing up.

“And just what are you smiling about?”

Mercy came out of the past, and shook her head at Jesse who was watching her with an amused smile before she settled against his him with her head on his shoulder, “ Nothing, just some silly memories. I can prescribe you some minor sleep aids if you think that would help.”

The main reason for Jesse restlessness out on the field was because when his mind didn’t have to be focused on a gunfight, it was right back here with her and the twins. It wasn’t so bad in the beginning, but as her pregnancy progressed the little fear of something happening when he might be several time zones away kept knawing itself a nice little home at the back of his mind---- like a mouse chewing its way through a baseboard.

Nightly phone calls and face -time sessions helped reassure him that Talon had not attacked the base, Hana had not accidentally shut down the entire power grid by rigging up a super computer for gaming, and Winston did not turn her or the children into a tubs of peanut butter ( “………have you been drinking with Winhelm and Torbjorn again?” “……No, but I did have some kind of weird Japanese fish dish Genji made.” )

Even then ,Hanzo had taken up Mercy’s position of McCree’s common sense out on the field --- taking away the gunslinger’s phone so the bright LED screen didn’t give away their position when he kept checking in every five minutes as bullets whizzed by their heads.

Jesse gave a tired sigh as he raised his head and rest his chin on the crown of her head as he drew in closer, “I’ll be fine. I just need you and our bed , and maybe a hot toddy to dull the edge. I’m home now, that’s all that matters.”

Home. After how many years that word did hurt to think about anymore.

The two of them stayed like that for a while. Forgetting about emails and exams and desks full of paperwork, and just trying to enjoy this moment of absolute suspended moment of peace like a sip of Angela’s homemade hot chocolate or Jesses favorite aged whiskey.

If she closed her eyes she could almost smell the air of the Swiss alpines again, feel concrete lightly bite the backs of her thighs and the warm weight of a young gunslinger’s arm and serape around her shoulders as her knees dangled over the side of roof while she and Jesse watched the sun rise over the base. Watching as the light and sky started out deep and rich and slowly turned golden, blinding and bright.

Almost….. if it weren’t the constant movement jostling her insides.

“They don’t like keeping still, do they?”, Jesse grinned, his hands were tracking them across her stomach again, eagerly moving from her sides and resting just below her navel now. He looked down at her, eyes lined with jet lagged and some residual signs of his drinking and smoking lifestyle--- but still the same soft and lively molten brown she first seen at seventeen.

“Sounds like someone else I know,” Angela tilted her head up and teasingly nipped the tip of his nose.

“ Hmmm….. How long are you goin’ to be cooped up in here? I was thinking you, me, some nice seared steak and pasta, and ---“

“If you even think about mentioning another one of your western movies again, Jesse, I am just going stay here and sleep in one of the med bay beds tonight.”

“…….Well, now who’s jumping the gun? I was goin’ to suggest that one old timey pirate movie Ana use to play all the time during break nights.”

“…….I’m sure you were, cowboy.”

Jesse held his hands up in surrender, “Alright, alright. You get to pick the movie tonight. Just don’t make it one of those boring educational flicks again. I’d like to be able stay awake with you tonight.”

“You liked the last few I’ve selected,” Angela pointed out, rubbing at her side to calm down whichever twin was unhappy bout suddenly being ignored.

“Yeah, well one of those was about those murders in Victorian London. Of course that’s going to keep my interest. But seriously Angie, as much as I want to know about what’s going on with you and the kids, “ The Gestational Process and Bonding of the Human Species ; From Conception to Birth And Beyond” isn’t exactly what I would call a “date night movie”.”

“……That is a fair point,” Angela relented, “ I just thought you would like it since you have pretty much checked out every single book we have about pregnancy in the library, and have hounded Ana,Torbjorn, Winston and I with questions. You even had Hanzo buy them for you in town.”

She watched as her cowboy turned a nice shade of pink under his beard, “ ….You weren’t supposed to know about that.”

“Jesse….” Angela chucked endearingly as she brushed his hair out of his eyes, “ Libeling, it’s been kind of hard not to. But, it is sweet ----- a bit annoying sometimes, but it’s been a pleasant surprise.”

Jesse looked down at his hands, which had gone back to her middle, gently circling his thumb over the back of her hands. His voice was soft, almost unsure, like he was slowly trying to figure out an new language and did not want to mince up the words “ …..I’m just a fish out of water with all of this. I never thought I would ever have a shot at something like this. That it wasn’t in the cards for me with the shit show our lives became after everything. But, God, did I want …… I don’t deserve an inch of you ,Ange. I sure didn’t back then and I’m not sure I do----“

Angela kissed him before the raw emotion leaking into his voice broke both of them in two. It was safe to say this was uncharted territory for both of them; two orphans who only had faded fragments of their own parents and a mismatch patchwork quilt they called family that had been made, ripped and repaired over the years as a reference.

There were a thousand things she wanted to tell him right then, but she would save that for when they were not surrounded by the cold, sterile, and professional environment of the med bay and her office. She wanted to be wrapped up in one of his flannel shirts and his arms first.

“I do have something for you,” She reached for her tablet and pulled up the file she had been saving for when he got back.

Jesse groaned the second end moved her arm, “ Angel…look, I know I’m due for that blasted checkup, but do you really—“

“You can relax, it’s not your physical. ..Yet. I will be getting you for that later,” Angela handed him the tablet and watched as one of his eye brows raised at the sight of her name and date of birth at the top of the page. She offered him a sheepish smile, “ I know you wanted to be there, but I’m afraid Winston got the dates mixed up. No one else knows about it yet…..but I thought it would be a nice surprise for you when you got back.”

She could barely hide her excitement as his eyes flitted down past all the medical information and jargon the he did not understand, and landed on the one part of the report that was impossible to mistake. She had to bite down on the corner of her lip to keep from beaming at him when his brown eyes went wide and looked between her, the tablet and back again. It was one of the few time she had seen the bombastic cowboy struck speechless, “ …Both?”

Angela nodded, finally letting herself smile,“ Both. One of each. I guess that means we’re done after this.”

But,Jesse seemed to have missed her joke as he quickly set the tablet back down and demanded to know which twin was where. Angela laughed as she guided the one hand to where their son was trying to cozy up to her ribs again, and the other to where their daughter has kicked his hand earlier. “ They do move , but I think that’s where they are for the most part, “ Angela titled her head as she took in the suddenly serious look crossing on Jesse’s face that he only got when he was trying to whip a strategy during a mission , “Is something the matter, Libeling?”

“….. Figuring out how much I’m gonna have to stock up on ammo for when they get older. Maybe finally talk Torb into installing that finger gu-”

“Jesse Leon McCree!” Angela’s glare cut through his thought faster than one of her laser- guided scalpels, “For the last time, I am not installing finger guns into your prosthetic!”

“I didn’t say you, now did I?”

“ Torbjorn won’t do it either. I already warned him I would revoke his honorary grandfather card if I ever caught him with schematics.”

“ Awwwww, come on! That ain’t fair, Angel!” Jesse whined. “ How else am I supposed to scare idots away from little Annie when she gets older?”

“Are you thrity-nine or nine…? And I am sure you will come up with something. Also, we are not naming out children after wild- west outlaws.”

“…Dam.. I was sittin’ on that one for a while,” Jesse looked at her again, “ What about-“

“No.”

Jesse jutted out his lower lip and looked at her with those big puppy gold-brown eyes that had been bane of her existence for the last twenty- something years. ….But, she would be lying to herself if said she wasn’t at least a little bit happy that genetics promised that there was a very good chance at their children would have his eyes as well.

“Fineeeeeeeee,” Jesse sighed when he realized he wasn’t going to win their little stalemate, although there is more than a hint of a whine to it, “What about “Fenrir” for the boy then? That’s something you’ve always liked.”

“Oh mein got!” Angela rolled her eyes, “Out of all the Norse myths I have told you, of course that’s the one you remember.”

“What? We could call him “Fen”,” Jesse pointed out innocently.

“You do remember that Loki is the one who gave birth to him, don’t you?”, Angela pointed out with a sigh, “ Only you would want to name your son after the eater of the world and killer of Odin? How about “Tyr”?” She tapped her finger nail against the scared- up skull engraved into the metal plating of his bionic arm. “The god of Justice. That seems a bit more fitting. “

Jesse watched her hand with a little smirk as he leaned his head against her shoulder again. They might have been playfully arguing about names, but she had never seen him look so content. The look in his expression said it all… ….he held his entire world in his arms. “Eh, it’s not as cool. Any kid of ours is going to be hell –in- a- hand basket and an angel all-in-one, they need a name goes with it.”

“I think it’s just in your nature to -- how do you Americans say it----“ Go Big or Go Home”?” Angela laughed as Jesse gently, but playfully pulled her closer against his chest, his hands resting on her hip as his lips grinned against her forehead and his beard tickling between her eyes

“Yep ,sounds like me. I’ve always dreamed big---- how else could I have gotten as lucky to end up with someone like you? You don’t get chosen by an angel just by waiting around and twiddling your thumbs.”

Angela rolled her eyes as she shifted in the cowboy’s lap as their daughter let her know she didn’t like being squished between them by trying to kick elbow her pancreas. Jesse’s hands instantly went to the spot and circled his fingers to apologize.

They were going to be fine.

“Well…..I do have one name in mind… ,”Angela hesitated. She wasn’t quite sure how Jesse would react to her suggestion. She still didn’t know how she completely felt about it.

It had started as a little idea that had just popped up in the back of her mind the moment the blood tests had confirmed everything, like one of the single little cells their children had started out as. At first, she just shook it off as an impossible notion, just the increasing hormones her body being annoying ; but like Jesse, it just hunkered down and refused to budged until she begrudgingly paid attention to it.

It was name that had weight to it, memories and heartbreak. But, she knew it was a name that meant a lot to Jesse… and even herself and many others in their little rag tag family. And the more she had thought about it, each week the name just sounded a little more right. Her mind went back to the list of names of those she had failed to save.

You could not return life to can candle that no longer had a wick , but the scent of the wax would always linger.

“Gabriel.”

She carefully watched his face as her stomach squirmed in a way that had nothing to do with her tumbling twins or morning sickness. It only took a few moments, but it felt life time as she watched the confusion on his face melt into surprise then something so soft and speechless that she wasn’t sure if she wanted to smile or cry herself.

For now she would blame it on the hormones.

“I like it, Darlin’,” His voice was soft, like a warm camp-fire on a cool night as he reached up and tucked her side swept bang behind her ear. “ … Thank you.”

She closed her eyes and leaned into his hand as his callused and tanned finger s trailed over her cheek, still the same as they had always been despite all the years. They still felt like home.

“There is nothing to thank me for, Liebling. “

“…. I still want Fen as a first name though.”

Angela gave a heavy sigh, Andddddddd there went the moment,“ Do not make me kick you out of my office .“

Jesse just gave her another smug and charming smirk that made his right eye twinkle, “Gotta come up with a better bluff than that, Sugarbee. I’m your favorite pillow.”

“Well, since you are here ,Darlin..” She drawled a little too innocently , “ I do have a long list of overdue shots with your name on it.”

The cowboy blanched and Angela just gave him his smirk right back before breaking down into a smile and leaning forward to kiss him as he huffed against her mouth and pulled her as close as her stomach would allow. “ Woman, I swear there is devil in those angel eyes sometimes.”

No, they were not puzzle pieces that fit perfectly together --- there were too many broken edges that had been worn and dented over the years. They were more like pieces of a shattered glass that had been put together into a mosaic. Something that was a little old and new at the same time , fractured and whole… and made something wonderful and beautiful when the light shone through.

#mcmercy #fanfiction #Overwatch #look mah i write too!#jesse mccree #overwatch mercy #mccree #angela ziegler #family fluff #oc kids

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