#wyll just really thinks he's neat

[rowan-of-waterdeep]

Sometimes when I set up a love triangle and pick Wyll over Astarion, I feel like I played myself. 🤦‍♂️

[bg3smash-or-pass]

In response to the recent (unpublished) anon I received:

(I won’t be answering the asks directly, to condense my response into one post)

Having now read Khalid’s Baldur’s Gate and Forgotten Realms wiki entries, I think it’s actually really neat that Khalid was deliberately given an explicit stutter and it isn’t just a shorthand to convey his timidness like I assumed it was, being a game from 1998.

But also.. Khalid is still anxious. That’s not just a “horrid ableist assumption,” that’s how his character is written. Many companions in Baldur’s Gate I are described as viewing him as “cowardly”. His whole character seems to be that classic idea of, yknow, bravery not being the absence of fear but doing everything heroic in spite of it.

I’m sorry you’ve seen enough bullshit ableism surrounding Khalid that your knee-jerk reaction to someone saying he sounds anxious is to feel that they are making fun of his disability and saying he’s cowardly and incompetent.

But coming into my ask box, insinuating I am making fun of his disability to make “myself feel superior”, asking if I ever get tired of “finding new lows to stoop to”, and demanding I take my post out of Khalid’s tag so you “don’t have to be forced to see how lowly I think of him” is just. Not it.

[messiahzzz]

thinking abt how gale and wyll are both hopeless/devoted romantics, but with a very different flavor to them

wyll believes in the grand tales of romance, writing your story together and witnessing your very own epic tale, the true power of love, wanting to court you in the traditional way, being your knight in shining armor, making sure you never want for anything — the beauty of an ending through your own making, your happily-ever-after.

while gale is more spiritual in his approach to romance. he believes in the bond between souls, true connection and devotion that defies even physical factors, something otherwordly and magical that solely exists between the two of you, a merging of body and mind, getting lost in one another and choosing you each day anew. — he doesn't believe in fate, but he does believe in serendipity.

what they do have in common, however, is wanting to dedicate themselves to their partner with their whole heart. i just think they're both really neat and deserve to be appreciated more by the fandom as a whole!!

[thewritetofreespeech]

Could I request Astarion's s/o avoiding him to prepare a Valentine's Day surprise feasts for him? Nothing angsty however, she just makes up excuses to throw him off.

Astarion x Reader - Valentine's Day

It was official. [Y/N] was avoiding him. And Astarion couldn’t figure out why.

He assumes he’s done something wrong. He just couldn’t figure out what. For all his social graces, charm, and etiquette training to seep in with the noble lords, he still had the incredible knack of saying the wrong things at the wrong time with this group of people. No one seemed to get his biting wit or rapier sharp jabs, usually with their literal counterparts. Except for Shadowheart and Lae'zel, but…that really didn’t add credibility to his argument.

At first, he hadn’t noticed. Astarion wasn’t some puppy that followed them around camp, like that mutt they picked up. He had his own entertainments and [Y/N] had their own business to attend to. It was a lot of work keeping their once neat little conclave turned full blown circus in line, but [Y/N] seemed to manage. Astarion often thought during lost moments that if anyone really wanted to take over the world, they should study and harness whatever power it was they had to keep drawing people into them. Forget the tadpoles. Much less slimy as well.

Still, he wasn’t immune to being ignored. And after a while he started to wonder what could be so important. Not that he was looking for attention. To reiterate, he was not a lost puppy following them around. Astarion was just….curious as to what could have bedazzled their focus so.

Stealthy as a cat, he followed after [Y/N] as the snuck off into the forest around their camp. Their third time out there, if his observations were correct. Silently and cautiously, he followed. Until he felt it was the perfect time to announce himself with an accusatory, “what are you doing out here?” as he stood to make his presence known.

“Gah!” [Y/N] exclaimed in a startled sound. Prone, for a moment in surprise as they turned to face him. Astarion had never seen this expression before. In battle, they were always so fierce and focused. Even when he ‘surprised’ them on one of their early nights together, hungry and asking for more than he probably should have, they still had this spark of defiance & fight about them. But genuine surprise? Now he had to know what was going on.

“I said, what are you doing out here?” He repeated in case they missed it in their shock. “Why are you slinking out here in the middle of the night like some manner of shade? Surely you can’t be coming out here to relieve yourself that many times. Wyll’s cooking isn’t that bad. And why haven’t you talked to me at all today? It’s very rude.” Looking into their eyes, which had softened out of surprise into their usual fair expression, Astarion realized he was scolding them for something he was upset about and took a deep breath before he apologized. “Look…I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to snap at you. It’s just that...I don’t like secrets darling. So if something is wrong, or if I’ve done something incredibly foolish, just tell me so we can move on from it.”

“….it’s not really a secret…” Astarion arched a brow at their reply, then watched them move to the side to reveal a blanket, candles, and what looked like one of the better bottle of wine they’d abscond with from a pillaged merchant cart they rescued. “It was…more meant to be a surprise. To celebrate.”

Astarion was racking his brain at the moment to think on what they could be celebrating. Of course, every day they were alive, kicking, and not turned into mind flayers seemed a good enough reason to celebrate, but this seemed more formal than that. He tried to think about what it could be and then he suddenly realized. ‘Oh shit’. It was Blessed Hearts Day.

A frivolous feast day where lovers would croon and swoon at one another, give horrible tacky gifts, then drunkenly stumble down the streets to fuck like rabbits, which was probably the only reason it was on the cusp of spring.

Astarion had never paid much attention to it. Besides it being a frivolous holiday, he never had any reason to pay attention to it. Other than the fact that around this time of year he could pull in 2 or 3 victims a week, rather than his usual 1, for Cazador, if he played his cards right. Everyone was searching for love around this time of year, and Astarion was happy to provide.

Well, not happy, but obliging.

Well, not obliging, but amenable.

He never would have thought that someone as steadfast & stalwart as [Y/N] would be interested in something as foolish as Blessed Hearts Day. But, then again, he never asked. So who was the real fool here?

“I’m sorry, my love. I didn’t get you anything.”

“It’s alright.” They reply with a smile. And Astarion felt that it was very much not alright. They had given him so much, kept giving him so much, and he continued showing up empty handed at their door. He’d never felt so much like a cad. “This was just something I wanted to do. I’ve never…had someone…to share Blessed Hearts Day with.”

Suddenly he wished for the ground to open up like one of those portals and swallow him up. Astarion couldn’t feel any lower than if he was under Avernus. But then all their hard work would go to waste, and they couldn’t have that.

“Well, it seems we’re in agreement again my dear. I’ve never had someone to truly share the holiday with either. Pawns and playthings, sure. But a true someone,” Astarion stepped closer to press his hand against their cheek, “my someone, well…that will be a new experience for me. It seems every where I turn, you’re always giving me new experiences.”

They seemed pleased by his words. Which was good because that’s all he had at the moment to give them. And his heart. Such as it was.

They spent the evening together under the stars. Talking some, but mostly quiet. Falling into each other’s arms much later and wrapped up in their picnic blanket in the cool grass before the night was over. He still thought it was a frivolous holiday, as he intended to spend everyday reminding [Y/N] how much he loved & how much they had changed him, but he supposed he could see the appeal now.

[meanbossart]

I've been loving the DU Drow as a companio asks, so I've got my own. I was wondering what kind of interactions he would have with the other companions.

More specifically, we know Astarion flirts with almost anyone (for his own reasons) and even sleeps with Bae'zel at the tiefling party if you turn him down as a player. So, since the Drow is in the group now, what would his interaction with Astarion be? Would Astarion assume him to be the strongest and best chance of survival if manipulated? Would Astarion try to sleep with the Drow the same way he would with Lae'zel?

(Regarding the companions in general) Oh I can easily see him and Shadowheart having some cute party banter, they'd poke light fun at each other and have a similarly "darkly dramatic" reaction to things. He'd easily be the most talkative with her, often initiating mundane conversations about stuff you find. I can see some dialogue between them triggering upon finding one of the many drink-stashes you come across where they discuss what they like best when it comes to wine - or what they think they like, at least, considering the state of their memories.

Gale would be eager to inquire him about drow and the underdark, and where he got his fighting prowess from, which would visibly annoy DU drow since he can't fucking remember anything LOL he'd comment about how he always thought male drow were supposed to be a little… Flimsier, prompting a response along the lines of "I suppose my mother must have fed me well. I do have quite the appetite for loud-mouths."

Gale's like :U my goodness. Point taken.

He might talk to Karlach about Avernus, being fond of the savage nature of it. He'd also ask her if "something's bothering her" and when she asks why he's asking, he comments on how she can never seem to be still for long LOL

If Jaheira joins the party later she takes an interest in him (I WONDER WHY) and they could also share a little friendly banter. DU drow ends up asking her things about Baldur's Gate and herself to fill the gaps in his memory, as well as her children. He expresses how, if he thought himself more fit for a father, he'd have some of his own. Jaheira tells him it's probably better this way.

The banter with Astarion would be pretty par for the course - a mix between being flirtatious in nature and a little passive-aggressive all at once. At some point he says he can't keep quiet about how he stinks of carrion - DU calmly tells him that it can't be helped, due to their circunstances, and that he has a pretty cadaveric perfume himself. Astarion gets offended and tells him he knows for a fact that he smells lovely - DU drow tells him those statements need not be mutually exclusive.

He'd also ask Wyll about Mizora and what it's like to be in her servitute, claiming that he "wouldn't mind doing her a few favors himself" and Wyll tries his darn best to brush that off.

Lae'zel picks on him about his, erm, unreliable state of mind and accuses DU drow of basically being a ticking-time-bomb. DU responds that he feels less like a bomb and more like a vent releasing a steady flow of noxious fumes - if that helps her sleep better at night.

He also snorts at Minthara's "jokes".

(Onto the second part of this already far-too-long reply:)

And I THINK SO, I think Astarion would take him for being more easily manipulated than Lae'zel and try his luck there instead.

Small detour: you know, I always thought it'd be neat if some of the companions formed relationships with each other if you didn't pursue them. We see friendships form but romances would be fun too - like Karlach and Shadowheart could get together if you didn't pair with either of them, and Ascended Astarion and Minthara if you happened to have that party configuration in act 3. I don't really see many of the others having that kind of chemistry, but I wouldn't want the whole camp to be in love with each other anyway lol just 1 or 2 other couples would make the party feel more autonomous.

So, in a world where that's a part of the game, I obviously would say they get together if you don't romance either (from a mechanic standpoint player still gets first dibs LOL) and that unlocks unique party banter and dialogue where you can ask them about it once per act and reveal the "status" of the relationship. In act 2 you get to comment about how they seem to "steal away" together often. Astarion implies they're obviously having sex, and that he's always wanted to "try a little drow - but a big one is even better". If you ask DU drow about it he keeps details and motivations to himself, but acknowledges that they have something going on. You can then tell him that you believe he's being used, and DU drow very nonchalantly says that "he's well aware", but that he isn't worried about it.

In Act 3, when you ask again, Astarion somewhat bashfully reveals that the drow grew on him, and if you press on about the topic he reveals that they haven't even had sex since act 1, they just do a lot of talking, as he sheepishly puts it. If you ask DU drow about it he's much more upfront in saying that they've become an item, and that he's very happy in Astarion's company.

[moonselune]

Modern fantasy au my beloved. Sometimes it's just what you need to calm down. Especially thinking of school golden boy Wyll crushing on quiet, loner nerd Tav. People find her intimidating, she's rather tall and large after all. But Wyll is HOPELESSLY in love with her, pratically swooning whenever he smells her. Maybe he's admiring her in class during a project, and his friends (let's say Karlach and Astarion) are teasing him.

Honestly I love this so much, I can so imagine Wyll just being like that wholesome popular guy that everyone loves and he does charity work at the weekend, makes everyone swoon

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Wyll x Reader (High School AU) | Crushing

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

The classroom buzzed with the usual hum of chatter, the clatter of pencils, and the occasional scrape of a chair against the floor. It was a group project day, the sort of thing that most students either loved or hated—depending on who they ended up working with. Wyll sat at his desk, surrounded by his usual friends and now project-mates, Karlach and Astarion, as they sorted through their materials.

He should’ve been paying attention, he really should have. But his eyes kept drifting, drawn to the far side of the room where you sat.

You, the tall, intimidating figure who towered above most of the class, with your quiet and stoic demeanor. Some found you scary, others distant, but Wyll? Wyll found you captivating.

There you were, head bent over your notebook, jotting down something in neat, precise handwriting. The light from the window hit your face just right, making your features stand out even more—sharp, strong, beautiful. Wyll’s eyes lingered on you, drinking in the sight of the way you absentmindedly pushed a lock of hair behind your ear or tapped your pen against your lips in thought. His heart practically skipped a beat when he caught the faint scent of your perfume from across the room, a soft, floral fragrance that made his pulse quicken every time.

Hopelessly, utterly, head-over-heels in love. That was Wyll.

He sighed dreamily, leaning back in his chair, eyes glued to you like a moth to a flame. His friends had long since picked up on his obvious infatuation, and today was no different.

“Look at him,” Astarion smirked from his seat beside Wyll, leaning back with an air of casual amusement. He elbowed Karlach, who was busy doodling in the margins of her notes, her massive frame hunched over the desk. “He’s gone again.”

Karlach glanced up, following Astarion’s gaze until her eyes landed on you sitting quietly at your table. A grin spread across her face, a mischievous glint in her eyes.

“Oh no,” she said in mock seriousness, “looks like Wyll’s love-struck again.”

Wyll’s ears turned a shade of pink, and he quickly tried to sit up straighter, clearing his throat. “I’m not—It’s not like that. I’m just… uh, observing.”

“Observing?” Astarion repeated, raising an eyebrow. “Is that what we’re calling it now?” He leaned in, voice dripping with sarcasm. “You’ve been staring at her for a solid five minutes, Wyll. Practically drooling.”

“I am not drooling,” Wyll shot back, but his protest was weak at best. His gaze wandered again, back to you, as if pulled by an invisible force.

Karlach snorted, shaking her head. “Admit it, Wyll. You’ve got it bad. And honestly, I don’t blame you.” She gave you an appraising glance, clearly impressed.

“She’s…” Wyll began, struggling to find the right words. “She’s just… amazing.”

Astarion rolled his eyes. “You’ve mentioned.”

Wyll sighed again, softer this time, as if the mere thought of you was enough to make his heart flutter. “She’s so smart, and… have you ever noticed how calm she is? Nothing ever seems to rattle her.”

Karlach chuckled, her voice teasing but kind. “Except maybe you, huh?”

Wyll flushed deeper, his usual golden-boy composure slipping. He ran a hand over his face, trying to will himself to stop being so obvious. But it was impossible. Every time you were near, he couldn’t help but feel like a lovesick fool.

You were strong, tall, and seemed untouchable to everyone else, but to Wyll, you were everything he admired. The way you carried yourself with quiet confidence, how you never seemed to care what anyone thought—it made him want to get closer, to know you in a way no one else did.

It didn’t help that most people found you intimidating, largely because of your height and your quiet demeanor. You weren’t the type to blend in, and it had earned you more than a few wary glances from your peers.

But Wyll didn’t see the cold exterior everyone else did. He saw past it—the way you focused on your work, the tiny smiles you gave when you thought no one was looking, the gentle care you put into everything you did.

“And that perfume,” Wyll added, almost to himself. “She always smells so—”

“Oh for gods’ sake,” Astarion interrupted, feigning a gagging motion. “Please spare us the details.”

Karlach burst out laughing, but even she couldn’t hide the fond smile on her face. “Wyll, just go talk to her already. It’s painful watching you pine like this.”

“I can’t just… go over there,” Wyll mumbled, glancing at you again, his heart doing a little flip when your hand brushed against your notebook, pushing some of the hair away from your face.

“And why not?” Astarion leaned forward, giving Wyll a pointed look. “You’re the school’s golden boy, aren’t you? Everyone loves you, and swoons over you, and you were practically mobbed by half the school when homecoming dates were announced. I'm sure she’ll be no different.”

Wyll frowned, glancing at you from across the room again. You weren’t like everyone else. He knew that much. You were quiet, reserved, and had an air of mystery about you. Approaching you wasn’t like approaching someone at a pep rally or a school event. You were… well, you.

“What if she’s not interested?” Wyll asked, his voice dropping a little. “I mean, she’s probably used to people like me being…”

“Annoying?” Astarion supplied helpfully.

“Intimidated,” Wyll corrected. “She’s so strong, and… I don’t want her to think I’m just another guy who doesn’t see past that.”

Karlach tilted her head, giving Wyll a considering look. “Honestly, Wyll? I think you’re overthinking it. Just be yourself.”

“Exactly,” Astarion chimed in, his smirk widening. “Go on, be the charming hero you always are. Maybe offer to help her with something. You know, swoop in and save the day.”

Wyll bit his lip, his heart thudding in his chest as he looked at you again. You were scribbling something in your notebook, completely absorbed in whatever you were working on, unaware of the chaos you were causing in his head.

Maybe they were right. Maybe he just needed to take a chance. But for now, all he could do was watch you from a distance, his heart full and hopelessly caught in the gravitational pull that was you.

And when you finally looked up, locking eyes with him for the briefest moment, Wyll swore his heart nearly exploded in his chest.

Gods, he thought, I’m in so much trouble.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Awww little Wyll with his heart all a flutter bless. Hope you guys enjoyed this! - Seluney xox

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[starfall-dream]

Okok hi, I had more thoughts regarding this AU and a little headcanon I had about our poor little friend Withers... and also the Gods in this au- but mostly Withers. (Since I've been playing around with him for my own yan BG3 isekai thing)

I feel like this might be very different from what you have in mind for the worldbuilding (as I remember you mentioning how this isn't the game at some point but I might be thinking wrong), but I thought this was on my mind, and just in case this might inspire something, I thought about saying it. So don't feel pressured to reply to this. It's just me getting my thoughts out there because why not and I wanna hear your thoughts too!

With Withers I've been playing around with the idea that, since in BG3 he is the one who let's us play around with classes, stats, reviving long lost party members, stuff like that I thought it would be pretty neat if he actually knew of other timelines or had some sort of magic that had some sort of ability tied to it for Withers to know/look into the knowledge of things like stats, classes, and possibly the fact that reader is from a whole other realm/world. Possibly even knowing the meanings for when they talk strange. He definitely lets on for more than he shows in the early game at least.

So in my AU I sorta lean into that and have Withers and the reader character get really close as friends because, "at least someone has a sense of what is going on and can explain in a way that I can understand". Probably has to explain that they're a human fighter or a ranger (especially later on when characters like Wyll get way more protective, he might start trying to move them away from the front lines at some point. Even if he taught us swordfighting it's still 'too dangerous' for his darling out there so they gotta pick up being a ranger to even think about contributing to the combat)

That actually leads me to my second batch of thoughts! Reader's class. I know you said they were leaning towards a fighter class but as I said before I feel like soon enough archery or being a ranger might be more viable, or if they get the attention of a god they might just get cleric (not as plausible as ranger but one can assume). The thought of them playfully or jokingly making an oath and becoming a Paladin is also funny but just as impossible. Still, always fun to play around with, especially since clerics in general sometimes don't even get a say in becoming a cleric, poor reader might just suddenly become the cleric to someone like Sune who even covers more darker aspects of romance (as a god of romance)... at least from what I've read off her Forgotten Realms wiki page. For all we know, someone might just "you're my cleric now, we're getting soft tacos later" the poor reader and they'd have no say in it.

The possibilities could be endless!

Honestly I love withers, he's great.

In my head, reader technically doesn't have a class, they just fall into fighter since it would make the most sense in my head. I didn't even think about ranger though, even though that was the first class I played as. I feel like they would be a mixture of any class that doesn't use magic, since they really can't.

I think since withers has more of an understanding of things, reader and him and a nice relationship. I think reader just confides in him about a lot of things and he offers very wordy and lengthy advice. It's like a grandpa and grandchild relationship.

[kirbles]

thinking about lae'zel approaching wyll during the party with the tieflings.

she's feeling that post battle high, body full of adrenaline, that she would usually expel with her fellow githyanki through carnal pleasure.

so she considers her options, and ultimately settles on wyll. she approaches him with the intention to bed him, but he's at the water, somber after his experience.

lae'zel in game states how she plans to sleep with wyll, and then the next morning tells you all he wanted to do was talk.

however, she didn't seem all that bothered when she said it. which gives me the impression that she really did just spend the whole night with wyll, talking about everything and nothing.

how sweet if it was lae'zel who eased his somber mood and convinced him back to the party. lae'zel who directed him to her tent with the sole intention of sucking and fucking only to be stopped and asked by wyll if they could just... enjoy each others company in another way.

and she relents, because sex isn't fun if you're both not super into it. but also because wyll is well travelled, and faerun is so new to her. she wants to know more about this plane and the culture. lae'zel is well read about her kind, she would relish in regaling tales to wyll, who would listen with rapt attention.

and while her opinion on the blade of frontiers isn't necessarily a high one, she still enjoys the stories of him slicing down foes that deserve it, and that before the tadpole he was very accomplished at doing so. it's there and then that the two agree to regularly train together, to keep their blades and wits sharp, and maybe even swap tips.

they also swap stories about their childhood, and how their upbringing was so vastly different but also held some similarities.

they're only a few years apart in age, so despite the stark contrast between them, they do feel a sense of kinship; that they are so young, and yet so accomplished and learned, but also so very naive about how the world really works...

after that night of intense emotional connection, i feel like the dynamic would shift slightly. especially if they were to spend more time together outside of their usual battle training.

wyll is no doubt smitten from the start, finding githyanki novel despite their savage history, and being a bit concerned due to being a monster hunter. but the more time he spends with lae'zel (especially after being propositioned almost immediately after meeting) the more he sees beyond just what she was brought up to believe.

he would want to court her in the traditional faerun way, but would have no idea if that's something she could fathom or even want.

however in my mind lae'zel absolutely falls first. because she is so driven by the physical, it's so strange for her to grow so attached to wyll without having ever slept with him. that even a kiss is something he holds out on until wyll is ready, despite her being very forthcoming about the many nasty things she wants to do to him beyond a mere peck.

but it's the strongest emotional connection she has ever had. it dizzies her how he is always on her mind, she wants to monopolise his attention, find any excuse to put her hands on him unrelated to sexual intimacy. she always looks out for him in battle, and swells with pride when he utilises ancient githyanki teachings to win.

she wants him so damn bad!!! but she knows it has to be long term, which contests with the idea of freeing orpheus and her kin.

uggghhhh. i just think they're neat!!!!!!

[bharv]

“Why is God Gale his bad ending? That’s the only one where he stands up to his abuser!”

Well firstly I don’t think any of the endings are a binary of good or bad, they are breaking and perpetuating cycles.

And secondly, there is a lot of nuance in the relationship between mortals and gods. It’s a terrible, awful dynamic because they are not even starting on the same footing, they are so far from equals that it becomes reductive to frame it that way.

Because to meet her as an equal, to be able to address the awful thing that happened with the orb, he would have to sacrifice parts of himself (parts that she as Midnight had to sacrifice to become Mystra too) that make him human. To pursue his view of justice, which is really based in anger, shame and a desire for vengeance and recognition, he would have to let go of those things.

Sometimes the greatest victory isn’t that. Sometimes it is moving past survival into something new. Sometimes it’s looking across a room and seeing the patterns that made a person who they are, or even stopped them being a person at all, and deciding you just don’t want to lose yourself to the same things.

All of the endings where people break cycles come at a huge cost. Shadowheart and Lae’zel have nothing in the world but the clothes on their backs. Astarion loses his ability to walk in the sun. But they are able to start carving something for themselves, as imperfect as it is, and that’s the victory of this kind of choice (I won’t go into Wyll and Karlach here because I think their writing is even less defined in the binary of a good and bad choice, but that’s for another post.)

To be a cycle breaker is never the perfect neat conclusion you want it to be, and I’m glad they didn’t make it that. If Gale wants to practice magic he will always, always have to make peace with Mystra as his God, not his lover, and this is something that I think older people have probably experienced in a myriad ways in their own lives too, and that strange sadness is really profound to me.

[magicwithered]

Idk I just like really like Wyll yk. Like he’s so unflinchingly and unfailingly good. Of course he’d sell his soul to help people. Of course he would travel into the depths of hell to make sure people are safe. Of course he’d pay his way into the devils clutches with acts of sheer goodness you must ask yourself how can someone’s soul be this tainted? And yet it has neither a smidge or a smolder of ash tainting it, pure as pure can be because he just wants to help and idk I think he’s neat.

[inkblooming]

Wyllstarion but with the monster/monster hunter vibes brought to the forefront.

Wyll, in any universe where they’re not sharing tadpoles, staking Astarion through the heart and patting himself on the back for a job well done. Perhaps later crafting a story for The Blade of Frontiers where he valiantly defeats a vampire lord and, as an afterthought, throws in the detail that he killed a vamp-spawn as collateral (he only remembers this nameless foe because he had pretty hair, unlike the rest).

Wyll easily getting along with Karlach because she’s not a devil she’s a tiefling, it was all a trick by his evil patron to make him mistakenly take innocent life, but Astarion is different. Astarion is very much a vampire spawn and so cannot be moved like Karlach into a neat box labeled ‘person��, where charm and kindness and openness are earned. Astarion will always crave blood, crave life.

The constant hyper-vigilant vibes of: ‘If you try anything I’ll kill you, and I’m always expecting you to try something’. Every cruel choice made by Astarion taken and added to a tally in Wyll’s mind to condemn him, and every neutral action, every flippant joke that really is just a joke, twisted into something more sinister.

Wyll, being forced into a devilish form by Mizora, thinking: who could understand? No one but the other monster at camp. The disgust at finding familiarity in the monstrous. The black-and-white thinking being churned into a pit of grey. Astarion is good-looking in the same breath as Astarion is an abomination. Every simple, beautiful heroic tale Wyll loves being shredded as he finds himself longing for the imperfect but comforting embrace of the undead.

[mokeonn]

It's a really dumb way to kill him but he uses up all his spell slots using cloud kill on the dark justiciars so you he's way easier after that

Astarion. My first solo game I did it because I think vampires are cool and he was one of the only characters that allows being poly. I currently have my main game as the vampire-murderer-bear polycule, which fits really well because she's a durge ranger, so she's got a guy that appeals to her murder side and a guy for her nature side. I was originally going to assend Astarion because I thought it's what he wanted and it would be fun to be a vampire-vampire-bear polycule, but when I was looking up information on how to do it, I found out it was his bad ending. Like it just repeats the cycle of abuse and makes him act way ruder and more possessive, so I had to give up the vampire-vampire-bear dreams.

The evil durge drow playthrough however is also romancing him because fuck it I wanna see the cool powers he gets and I want my character to be able to bite people without having to wild shape into a wolf.

My first ever playthrough was with a friend so I made a drow bard and I was gonna make him also romance Astarion (because that was my first game ever and I didn't make my new one yet) but after revisiting it after romancing him twice, I realized that since my friend made me do an evil playthrough as my first playthrough (he was a durge too so it was just constant "hey watch this!" Before showing me that he punt kicked a squirrel or something) I could romance Minthara instead since I didn't romance her in my other evil game. So that one went from "Albino boyz" jokes to "good little drow boy for mommy Minthara" jokes real fast.

The fact that I romanced him twice, one good one evil, means that I never romance him anymore and I just purposefully annoy him now. It's actually REALLY fun. Like yeah we're gonna be good, do nice things, and not use our tadpoles, you pasty fuck.

That was something I really enjoyed about my honor mode game with my bardlock, Poetry, she romanced Wyll and I made her as good as possible, so Astarion was CONSTANTLY complaining about how much of a kill joy she was. Those two were just constant bickering. It's grand. I actually HIGHLY recommend bugging Astarion it's 100% better than romancing him.

I did start another drow playthrough where I was gonna romance Karlach, but in that honor mode playthrough Gale had died. So when I transported him back to camp through Withers, his stupid necrotic aura ended up killing Scratch, so I revived him and then blew him and my character up to end the run.

I also have a half-drow honor mode druid that was gonna romance Halsin but I'm a little bored with that game and also you basically like, don't get the evil drow benefits. The goblins do not let you go where you please but other people are still fantasy racist to you. It's like the worst of both worlds. Which sucks because I think the faces for body type 2 half-elves look WAY better than body type 2 drow faces. So I pretty much never use body type 2 for drow.

I always use pact of the sword with Wyll, but I tend to make him multiclass. I have yet to do a bardlock wyll that is college of swords, which sounds really fun with pact of the sword, actually. I found out that life domain is pretty good, but I tend to forget to change Shadowheart. I might swap her to tempest domain or something to try something new. I know war domain rules, though, as it gives you proficiency in every weapon and armor, and you can second attack early in the game by spending a war domain charge. I'm already doing a war domain cleric in my team honor mode game, though.

Why don't you wanna play your other games cuz you can't turn them honor? What part of honor mode has enchanted you so?

I do enjoy my other games but I am having a TON of fun with honor mode, mainly coming down to the following reasons:

- No reloading.

This has been my blessing and my curse. On the one hand, it makes battles WAY more fun because if they go south, I can't just press the magic undo key. It's changed my battle strategy when I lose from "just reload to before the battle" to "have someone escape and prepare to pickpocket Withers at camp," which is a lot more fun imo. It's also why I had so many problems with the phase spider matriarch and why Poetry is technically continuing with dishonor because I kept running away and leaving camp right back to the fight. (Which was my fault, I forgot you can use waypoints in camp)

It also means I don't have to worry about saving often anymore. No more backtracking more than expected because I forgot to save before or after an event, because I simply can't backtrack!

However this also causes a nightmare, if you fuck up and end up wiping out an entire town or giving a character a bad end on accident, you're stuck with that. I have figured out how to turn the tide in my favor for a lot of events, but for others, I am simply out of luck if I mess it up. Like triggering the Isobel kidnapping scene and not winning the fight, or if something happens to a future companion in a battle where they're an ally. You're just stuck with the consequences, which sucks SO much.

- the difficulty is kinda fun and adds new features to fights that freshens it up

I normally go through the game in balanced mode, because that feels just right for me, but I can't help but admit that the new attacks and enemy features of honor mode freshen up the game a lot more. Take the intellect devourer fight at the very beginning of the game when you pick up Shadowheart, I've done that fight so many times it's more of a chore that gets you to level up than anything else. In tactician mode, it's the same fight, but they hit harder. In honor mode??? Those fuckers got laser beams! That's new! That adds something that freshens up an old experience! I like that a lot!

Many fights are like that where an old fight I've already done at least 5 times feels new. Getting the owlbear fight out of the way? Now there's 2 owlbears, bitch. Does the hag have new attacks? I wouldn't know! I just cheese the fight by arcane locking the stairs to the lair when she first reveals herself.

It really adds a breath of fresh air, and it gets me to think a lot more about equipment, spells, battle strategies, classes, feats, and so on. Rather than simply brute forcing my way through and reloading until I win.

-food system

I understand this is just a general tactician mode change, but instead of 40 camp supplies, you need 80.

I tend to pick up any edible substance I can see anyways, leading to me having over 1,000 camp supplies sometimes. I have to constantly distribute supplies to other party members lest my player character have 70% of their inventory and ability to carry things be taken up by food. I am constantly juggling to make sure I don't become encumbered.

So, having that set to 80 instantly helps me cut down on food and has even caused a little challenge. Due to the difficulty of honor mode, I have to long rest more, which means I now ACTUALLY have to worry about camp supplies. There will be times were the party needs to rest but I don't have enough supplies so I need to either find something, or buy something.

I find the food management aspect really fun actually and it's very interesting to want to long rest only to realize you only have 18 supplies and need to scramble to get 62 more.

-gettin' funky with it

I think the biggest part I like about honor mode as well is that there are areas where you can't simply run away to camp if things go south. So the game constantly requires me to think outside of the box and get funky with it.

Things like using enemies as weapons against other enemies, making a healing circle in combat and throwing a potion down in the middle of it, getting rid of an entire boss fight early by simply getting other enemies to fight them, blocking off doorways with boxes or arcane lock, finding out that darkness is your friend it is SUCH a good spell.

It's REALLY fun to figure out wild solutions to get things done without risking the run ending. A dumb example was in grymforge! I wanted to get all the duegar out of the way before fighting Nere, so I did this by going to the upper platform hanging above the entrance of the main room, and using a berserker Karlach to start throwing things down. Most of the duegar were melee fighters so they would end up dashing around and missing turns, and those that could hit far were taken out first. I had potions lined up the wazoo and made shadowheart throw them on karlach when she got low on health, Astarion was sneak attacking, and Poetry (my durge bardlock) was inspiring Karlach and eldrich blasting.

It got even better because some enemies had javelins they would throw up, which meant that Karlach now had more Javelins to throw down.

It was a dumb battle that ended with a solid 8 turns of everyone wailing on the scrying eye hoping to damage it, because we ran out of thunder spells that could hurt it and most of our damage was negated most turns. It cried for help every time, but no help came.

But I had a ton of fun with it! It was a memorable fight! It wasn't like my first fight in my first playthrough where I had to keep reloading, I just got to win by standing up really high and making Karlach throw every Javelin I had found and gave her throughout the game and then some.

-it justifies my bad habits that make gamers cry

To the joy of all my friends, I have stopped using my inventory system I made up. I used to pick up every backpack and pouch I could find and sort everything into 4 bags in the order of: spell scrolls, drinkables, throwables, and coatables.

This kept everything nice and clean as most things outside of these bags either got a special bag (i.e story items or dye bottles) or just got to be sold. It was a little tedious to grab things during battle, but I used the custom page to make things easier. So it was only really a pain getting things out of someone else's inventory.

I have since found out that an auto sort by type button exists, and I can just use that instead. And that a search bar exists. It took until a friend pointed it out for me to realize this. So I stopped doing the bag system since I could simply throw the story items you can't sell into a backpack and just auto sort everything else.

Plus I used to have a treasure pouch I would sell, which is not necessary! That's what the 'add to wares' button is for! Whoopsie!

So, thankfully, for everyone, I stopped doing the backpack system...

However

I had also developed another habit around the same time I developed the backpack system. I was doing a challenge run where I dared myself to use every object I picked up no matter how useless, and it caused me to develop a habit that makes everyone who plays with me cry:

I press take all no matter what.

That's just how I close containers.

There's nothing that makes a friend playing with you cry more than an inventory full of useless garbage, and you keep picking up more garbage off the ground to mess with them.

In honor mode, the shop prices are HIGH. A 80 gp ring of flinging in balanced mode is over 200gp in honor mode. The gloves of missile snaring that are about 200 gp normally? Over 600gp. If you aren't planning on pickpocketting (which admittedly I am clearly under utilizing and I need to plan on pickpocketting more), you need a LOT of money to buy items you need.

You know what gets you a lot of money? Selling a metric fuckton of armor, weapons, rotten food, bones, and whatever other garbage you pick up!

Hell, if you even give some of these to shop keepers for free, they'll like you more and lower the prices!

So next time your friend yells at you for picking up all of the severed body parts you see in on the risen road, consider that each of those parts net you about 3 gold, and you need that bottle of light blue dye Dammon is selling.

- I want the achievement and the gold dice

I've been getting into achievement hunting and I really like how all of bg3 achievements are achievable through story beats or small fun actions, so I want the achievement. I'm already working on the second hardest one which is busking 100 gold, so I need the hardest one. Boost my ego. Plus I wanna see if it gets the tactician achievement out of the way as well.

Also yeah I want those gold dice lmao

So that's why I have only been playing honor mode lately. I still love those regular balanced games, and I will need to revisit my main game soon since I haven't beaten the game yet and have no idea what act 3 encounters there are, but I am having the time of my life with honor mode. The furthest I have gotten so far is right before the Nightsong and the assault on Moonrise Towers. I would be able to tell you how well that went if I didn't proceed to let my hubris get the better of me and mess up the last light Inn.

Anyways, I highly recommend trying honor mode! It really forces you to get into out of the box thinking and try some spells, classes, and methods you might not have used. Whether that's disguising yourself as a drow to get past the goblin camps conflict free, pickpocketting every shopkeeper you can to save money, or saving every smokepowder barrel you can find; there's a lot of fun to be had in honor mode.

Of course, if you normally do explorer and never balanced or tactician, maybe reconsider idk. Also I am weird and absolutely have been trying new classes I never played before in this mode, I highly recommend playing a class you have played before if you're worried about the difficulty. For me? I got act 1 figured out, so by act 2 I'll be used to the class I picked it's no biggie :)

So far the only honor mode game going REALLY well for me is the one I'm doing with my friend, since he was unsure about honor mode and normally plays explorer. That one he is a druid half-wood elf (which is a fantastic pick as the wild shapes are grand for not dying and half-wood elves get an extra 3 meters to their speed) and I am a war cleric of Selune romancing Lae'zel (war clerics RULE for hitting hard, and I wanted to piss off Shadowheart as much as possible with my build.) So if you have a friend who likes playing tactician or honor mode, you can totally mooch off them. Having another player to control half of the team honestly helps a lot imo.

[tacticalgrandma]

I keep having Thoughts about Dread’s world state post-game. I don’t know if I’ll ever write a proper fic for it—if I did, it’d be a rambly multiperspective thing and I’ve never written one of those before. But here are the thoughts I have now:

After defeating the Netherbrain, Dread and Minthara want to take control of the Absolute, everyone else doesn’t. Tense standoff until Isobel offers to True Resurrect Gortash in exchange for Dread destroying the brain. Dread agrees, Minthara could become Absolute on her own, but chooses not to.

As they’re falling, Dread starts losing her illithid powers. She absorbs the astral tadpole fully, keeping her partial illithidication. Wyll and Astarion, who partook in a worm or two, go back to normal. So does Minthara, who also chose partial ceremorphosis.

Immediately after Minthara is furious and lost—especially after seeing that Dread’s retained her psionic powers while she hasn’t. She leaves for Menzoberranzan. Dread promises her they’ll meet again, Minthara tells her if they do she’ll kill her.

For the next few months, an assassin stalks the streets on Menzoberranzan, killing drow who carved out pieces of Minthara’s estate. The spree ends with the death of the Baenre matriarch and the descrecation of the House’s shrine to Lolth. Minthara then leaves the city for good.

Dread stays in Baldur’s Gate to see Gortash resurrected and Wyll inducted as the new Grand Duke. Aware that the people she loves most have, at best, mixed feelings towards her at the moment, she leaves. It’s the first time in her life she’s ever actually alone.

Dread returns to the illithid colony under Moonrise Towers. She picks up on Gortash and the Myrkulites’ study of psionics, and ends up establishing a psionic monastic tradition since WOTC isn’t going to. Us is her assistant.

Gortash leverages his knowledge of the Baneite strongholds to try to keep Wyll from exposing him to the Gate. Wyll realizes Gortash would only be making that offer if the Baneites were a danger to Gortash. Wyll agrees, under the condition that Gortash bring him his father’s remains so he can try to resurrect him.

Gortash reminds Wyll that a resurrection has to be willing, and asks him if he really thinks his father will come if he calls for him. Look my brain’s just kind of been stuck on a Wylltash hate hookup for a while. We’re probably doing Wyllstarion endgame here. If I ever write a postgame thing I’m probably not even doing this at all. I just think they could really fuck each other up in some neat ways and I keep thinking it.

Gortash got a taste of torture in the Banehold and will do fucking anything to not go back.

Wyll realizes he’s better than his father ever was at politics and it devastates him.

This is a bit of group hc with some discord folks—Wyll ends up hiring Astarion as his personal aide (secretary) to help with some of the legal and bureaucratic issues he’s unfamiliar with. Astarion thrives in his Joan Holloway era.

Wyllstarion drama where Astarion idealizes Wyll and feels like if he’s honest about some of the skullduggery he does on his behalf, Wyll will reject him and he’ll have to go back to the Underdark. Wyll worries he can’t live up to the image Astarion has of him, especially as he has to make hard, morally gray decisions as a leader.

Wyll becomes a tempest cleric of Bahamut post-warlock, to try to carry on Ansur’s legacy. He’s probably able to give Astarion some level of sunlight protection so people just think the grand duke’s bf is being dramatic with his umbrella and big floppy hat.

Lae’zel goes off with Orpheus to free the gith. The egg hatches soon after. Lae’zel immediately hands the kid off to Orpheus. Orpheus leads a revolution wearing a baby bjorn.

Minthara appears at the illithid colony one day, knowing it’s where Dread was most likely to go. Minthara doesn’t kill her. They reconcile. Minthara doesn’t have paladin or illithid powers so she’s an Eldritch Knight fighter now. She’s just like really shredded. She’s so jacked guys.

Realistically Karlach left the party when Dread agreed to work with Gortash. Knowing she’d either die from her engine or become a mindflayer without the artifact’s protection, she solo’d the Iron Throne. Gortash thinks no one survived it, but she managed to free a handful of the prisoners. Mizora made sure Ulder wasn’t one of them.

Gale’s bloody hand is still in Dread’s inventory.

Jaheira tells Wyll that as a Harper, she has a responsibility to hold those in power accountable and this will limit her ability to be a true friend to him. Wyll intellectually understands, emotionally feels like he’s constantly being abandoned and doesn’t handle it with as much grace as he could have. They probably reconcile somewhere down along the line and have a more Nine-Fingers-y dynamic. Just without the fucking.

Oh also more classes: Lae’zel is a blade warlock (great old one) with Orpheus as her patron. Astarion is a College of Lore Bard because I like having two people with Healing Word in the party. I mean because it’s in character. Jaheira’s a multiclass Gloom Stalker and Spores Druid. I still need to nail down Shadowheart but I think she’s a Beastmaster—I keep thinking of her postgame as a cleric bc Asheera fics, but I think in a Dread-helmed party she’d turn from gods more. Karlach was an Oathbreaker, in the NADDPOD antipaladin sense—not actually a fallen paladin, just a hellish version of one. Minsc is a wildheart barbarian with the aspect of the hamster.

[des-no9]

Companion Tav ask for Azzichka my beloved (would love it if you answer with actual quotes/dialogues, but no pressure!):

General:

Does your Tav have any comments or advice when you recruit other companions?

Story specific:

How do they react to the Dark Urge killing Alfira?

Romance:

How do they react to the player character breaking up with them, or choosing another character over them?

Tav Companion Asks!

Does your Tav have any comments or advice when you recruit other companions?

Recruiting Astarion: "Vampires are useful allies, but this one is mere spawn. Is that the best we can do? Well it walks in the sun, I supposse."

Recruiting Gale: "What power in an istik. Would I say I'm mildly impressed such flesh could contain such fear."

Recruiting Lae'zel: "Heed me first before that child."

Recruiting Shadowheart: "Koth’ana ch’sha." (thief) (she says this barely contained and wants to pretty much rip her apart bone by bone)

Recruiting Wyll: "He reminds of someone I read in a book..." (she speaks sadly)

Recruiting Karlach: "Beauty, bloodthirst and laughter that shakes the ground? Hmmm." (there's even a small smile as she speaks)

How do they react to the Dark Urge killing Alfira?

Azzie thinks the ritual is unecessary and messy. Azzichka is a neat and clean girl and the Dark Urge likes to make a right mess.

As for Alfira? She does not give a shit about her. Just a faceless istik that meant nothing to Azzie, really. Why she's dead in camp? Was that really necessary? Azzie is used to wild kith'raki and young sarth etc being over zealous with their kills sometimes, so it's not really that unusual to her, just a mild inconvenience.

Azzie: "Keep the next one away from my tent."

How do they react to the player character breaking up with them, or choosing another character over them?

Azzie: "You'll never find another like me."

Azzie will probably be quite cold if the player character rejects/breaks up with her. She's a confident, arrogant girl and she definitely has an ego. She'll have different responses if you are an istik or githyanki.

She might be gentler with you if you're an istik, but crueler with you if you're a githyanki. She is an Inquisitor, and she wants to, needs to keep rank and re-establish such with a githyanki who spurns her.

Love is still sort of new and something she's still learning - a continual journey for her. She might not react well, and it may be a huge learning curve for her.

Azzie: "When you come crawling back, don't think you'll find love still on my lips."

[meanbossart]

I've been really enjoying your fic and it got me curious about how your campaign went??? I got the important parts (your Durge denied Bhaal, Shadowheart spared nightsong I think, Astarion obviously didn't ascend) but what else happened? Will we ever see any of the other companions?

Thanks for enjoying the story! I can say with pretty much certainty we won't be seeing any other canonical characters from the game, Jaheira, Minsc and Halsin would have stayed behind in Baldur's Gate, as well as Wyll. My Durge killed Lae'zel early in the game and Karlach also died at the end of my campaign.

Gale's character decided to go after the crown, and while he was the staple fourth member of my party the relationship had always been uh... Tense. This was before they apparently patched out how needy he was, but frankly it made for a really interesting story since i just kind of assumed his character was kind of a creep wearing a nice-guy's face. Also, to be fair, I DID fall for his "wanna see a magic trick" line but that just kindled the fire to my theory that he's actually a fairly manipulative person (and perhaps he's unaware of it). MIND YOU PLEASE that this doesn't mean i don't like his character - honestly i feel like I got a REALLY interesting side of him in my campaign and i wouldnt have it any other way - this was a party composed of the dark urge, Astarion, Shadowheart and GALE and to have us all turn down power and glory only for the goody-two-shoes wizard of the camp to turn kinda evil and power-hungry made for a really satisfying narrative.

... Sorry i ended up rambling about Gale LOL to actually answer the rest of your question, my campaign went like this:

I made a Fighter, champion sub-class, BIG hulking drow because i thought it would be funny. Because i went in blind I started off as a confused homicidal murderer who is a liiiittle weirded out about his urges but he doesnt stress TOO much about it. Is fairly standoffish and distrusting toward all of his companions which made for a weird start. Motivated by gold, killing things, getting this worm out his head and making off-color jokes. Ends up siding with the Tieflings because i also decided that, as a very hedonistic character who thinks we should be lunatics because we want to rather than because a cult is telling us to be, my durge would profoundly hate the absolute. As a male drow he also really hated Minthara so yeah, easy choice there. As mentioned above, I also killed Lae'zel when she tried to murder-suicide everybody.

I wasn't going to fuck anyone, believe it or not, so during the tiefling party i went with Gale because it SEEMED like he just wanted to show me something neat (it ended early because i failed his checks and i guess he can't get hard unless i can cast fireball). Also, at this point even though i made mostly "good" moral choices i *was* still a dick the whole time - despite this, everyone in camp wanted to fuck me BESIDES Astarion, which was so fucking funny and devastating that I decided my Durge would, from that moment on, turn on the charm and the flattery and make it his mission to bang him. So yes, they were manipulating each other. I don't have to explain why that made for a really really fun little dynamic. Also Astarion had to tell me he was a vampire through dialogue instead of biting me and i got to say "yeah duh" which was hysterical.

I finally banged him sometime during the underdark (didn't go to the creche at all) and during Act 2 I followed the same pattern of doing mostly the Good Thing while being arrogant the whole time, I fell into a kind of chaotic-neutral/true-neutral aligment and watched my little homicidal maniac cluelessly stumble his way into a hero's journey. I had also really grown to like Shadowheart at that point after having a really negative first impression of her character and she basically became my durge's best friend. Astarion also grew on me for all the reasons we know and love and he did his confession to me sometime in late act 2. I Never met Araj (though i think i mention her in the fan story only because her interaction is interesting) so I got the dialogue that isn't prompted by her encounter. I also had to "break up" with Gale at this point which boy that sure came as a surprise to me! I also didnt break the shadow curse.

Because I didnt kill isobel (Again, my guy didnt like people telling him what to do or not to do), my little butler guy made me wanna kill Astarion. I SWEAR this happened pretty late in game, maybe even in the first night in baldur's gate which i realize is unusual. Naturally I didnt and I decided that would be the turning point where my Durge decides to not just Go With The Flow of things but actively fight his urge and pursue its root cause. He tried to be more of a good person from that point on which was kind of a clumsy effort lol

He completely antagonized the emperor immediately upon him revealing his true identity, stole the orphic hammer from Raphael's house, betrayed Gortash after setting an "alliance" with him, killed Orin (she kidnapped the orphan and killed her in front of me because i failed the check :| ) stopped Astarion from ascending and helped Shadowheart kill everyone in the house of grief, i let her make her own choice regarding her parents and she decided to kill them. I also encouraged her to not immediately align with the Selunites just because of her past.

I got Astarion the thing that helps him read the necromancy book and i cannot tell you how satifyins it was that, after giving up unspeakable power by killing Cazador, that dude and his little ghoul army basically mauled Orin and her grandad for me practically by themselves while I was down on the floor with 1 health. PROUD OF YOU BUDDY.

Gale spoke to Mystra as well at some point and i swear I NEVER encouraged that guy to take the crown for himself. It was always either "do whatever you want" or "i think thats a shitty idea." At this point my Durge was super sick of him so they had a bit of a crappy relationship which may have something to do with how things turned out.

I betrayed the emperor, released Orpheus and when he asked if any of us wanted to be a mindflayer i went "Fuck No" big time and luckily the guy just did it for me. Chaos ensues, I kill the emperor and the absolute in an epic battle that took me like a whole day. I also killed Orpheus when he asked me to. Karlach died ( :c ) and Gale told me he was gonna fuck off to get the crown. In the final Astarion dialogue I told him we would find a way to get him to walk under the sun again.... AAAAAnd thats it i think? Man this game is huge lmao i swear i wasnt trying to be long-winded.

[ladytesla]

The Great Faerun Baking Show (Part one of possibly more)

Intelligence is knowing a tomato is a fruit.  Wisdom is knowing not to put ketchup in a profiterole.  Dexterity is crafting a croquembouche out of red craquelin-encrusted ketchup-filled profiteroles.  Strength is carrying that croquembouche from your bench to the judge’s table.  Constitution is being able to withstand the pressure of having your tomato croquembouche being judged by Prue Leith.  Charisma is trying to convince Paul Hollywood that your tomato croquembouche was a completely logical idea.

Twelve new bakers have been chosen to enter the tent.  Over the next ten weeks, they will face 30 brand new challenges.  Every aspect of their baking will be scrutinized and put up to the scrutiny of Prue and Paul.  Each week one will rise to become Star Baker, and whoever crumbles to the pressure will be sent home.  But who will go on to win the Great Faerun Baking Show?

I came up with this horrible idea so now I’m inflicting it on all of you.  May the gods have mercy on your souls.  So here’s how this odd little imagine is going to work.  I have no idea what’s going to happen.  I’m just going to roll a D20 ‘bake check’ for everyone, and write out the results, including what everyone rolled so y’all know I’m not cheating just so my druid boyfriend can win.  The person with the lowest total score (out of a possible score of 60) goes home. I’m going to write this in short form, but if this gets a lot of traction I might make this a full-scale fanfiction with shenanigans on like AO3 or something.

Our bakers are 6 men and 6 women.  I put all romanceable companions, Jaheira and Minsc, Dammon because he’s wonderful, and because I’m making the rules here, my tav Medora. If you’d rather not deal with someone else’s tav, just pretend it’s Alfira since they’re both female bards. If you're interested in seeing what my sleep-deprived mind came up with one night, read on!

Week One: Cake Week, or "why did you think putting literal blood in a cake was a good idea"

Signature Challenge: Swiss Roll Cake

Astarion: Dark chocolate and blood orange.  It cracked a little on the top, but it tasted quite nice.

Dammon: Apple pie.  Surprisingly for a blacksmith who works with heavy-duty equipment he’s really good at making small, delicate things.  It had a tiny lattice top in royal icing like a real apple pie would.  It tasted excellent. 

Gale: He wanted something unusual and colorful, so he went with ube.  He wanted to use magic to make it float or change color, but was told that was against the rules.  It’s okay though, It was still really nice, and beautifully presented.

Halsin: Wild blueberry and honey.  He harvested the honey himself, and was proud to say so.  Unfortunately he used sugar instead of salt because he got distracted by some ducks walking by outside the tent, and it tasted awful.

Jaheira: Chocolate and peanut butter.  It’s flavors her kids like.  Unfortunately Paul seems to always have issues with peanut butter and how it glues his mouth shut.  He wasn’t as big a fan of the cake as Prue was.

Karlach: S’mores swiss roll with toasted marshmallows on top.  She toasted the marshmallows a bit too much, but that’s part of the charm of s’mores.  She’s not sorry.

Lae’zel: Matcha and black sesame.  Interesting flavor choices, but not as well-executed as the judges would have liked.

Medora: Lemon meringue.  The meringue was very poorly executed, the lemon curd squished out of the sides of the cake, and the cake itself cracked horribly.

Minsc: Chai swiss roll.  The swiss roll wasn’t as tight as it should have been, but the flavors were lovely.

Minthara: Chocolate and whiskey swiss roll.  Accompanied by shots of whiskey, in an attempt to bribe the judges.

Shadowheart: Cookies and cream swiss roll, with a neat half and half black and white design.  It wasn’t perfect by a long shot, but she managed to cover up some of the worst sins with strategically-placed oreos.

Wyll: Red velvet. A classic flavor for a classic guy, and executed almost perfectly.

Technical Challenge: Cherry Cake

Bakers will be listed in descending order of success.

Karlach

Lae’zel

Minsc

Jaheira and Shadowheart tied, actually.  You decide who gets fourth.

Either Shadowheart or Jaheira, depending on who’s your least favorite lol

Medora

Halsin

Wyll and Gale also tied.  Pick your favorite.

Gale or Wyll

Astarion

Dammon

Minthara

Showstopper Challenge: Chocolate Celebration Cake

Astarion: Tiers are lopsided and the texture is claggy, but he did his best to charm the judges and distract them.

Dammon: Not as successful as his signature round, but his piping work was surprisingly delicate.

Gale: Attempted to make a chocolate tribute to Mystra.  The sculptural aspect was lacking, but he was one of the few contestants to use ruby chocolate, which was unique.

Halsin: Used even more foraged berries on a white chocolate cake.  Very successful.

Jaheira: Dropped her cake before she could finish decorating it.  Could not be judged.

Karlach: Put in some cinnamon and chili to make a Mexican hot chocolate cake.  Very nice.

Lae’zel: No one knows what dimension that chocolate came from, only that it was amazing.  She got a Hollywood Handshake.

Medora: Finally seemed to get with the program and baked a lovely triple-chocolate cake.

Minsc: Despite him not having hair, Boo drove him like it was a scene from Ratatouille and created chocolate perfection.  Hollywood Handshakes for both of them.

Minthara: Her cake was very dry and didn’t have enough frosting.

Shadowheart: Insisted her cake be colored black with activated charcoal and got it everywhere.

Wyll: Tried to go for a classic again, and did well, but the judges wondered if he played it too safe.

The Results

Our star baker this week with a total score of 49/60 is: Karlach!

And unfortunately due to her total score of 18/60, Minthara is the first to leave the tent.

And that concludes Cake Week!

Biscuit Week

Bread Week

Pies and Tarts Week

Underdark Week