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lilisouless · 3 years ago

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The crows introducing scene , book vs show ,part one

This is not really an analysis , more like a bunch of observations put together. It originally was going to be just saying which one is better and why but in some cases it got more complicated.

Obviously Wylan will be an exeption since he has not apeared in the show , and given that Jack Wolfe is listed on imdb as being on all S2 episodes, is very unlikely the scene would be the same. I also decided to divide this into two parts because i wrote more than i expected.

“Better on the books”

-Kaz is quite diferent from his show counterpart, in the show his first introduction scene frames him as serious, stern ,no-nonsense ,and some ambiguity on wheter he is an evil character or not, as well as a contrast with Jesper, who got the previous introduction. The scene is pretty fine for show!Kaz a side character on Inej´s subplot (because let´s get real, thats what he ends up as in season 1). A big diference is that in the show, the audience is just meeting him, in the book he is being observed by someone who already knows him.

In the book , opening with the line “Kaz Brekker did not need a reason” pretty much stablishes him as the main character, despite Inej being the one narrating. The reason what this one is best is that you get what you are told: He is in the middle of a job, manipulating his opponent, spotting the person who tried to double-cross him and punishing him for that. You can tell a lot, he is ruthless, aware, cunning , calculating. Yet, despite all that has just being trown at you, you can tell you don’t know everything.

I think an first character scene can’t be complete without their last scene. For it to work it has to pay off, a character can have the most badass introduction scene in the world , yet if their following scenes are nowhere as interesting as the first one, you´d just feel such good material was wasted on that character.

Show!Kaz´s first scene does pay off and works for him. But the book is better because, first: lets be blunt, is just way cooler. Second: the diference between being a secondary character vs the main character, his first scene will clearly have more impact with the plot overall, while on the show is just “this character exist, this are his qualities”

-Now with Nina is the reason why i said an opening scene has to be compared with their following ones: Nina´s first scene on the show is completely irrelevant, it could be either way and her character would be the same. This is going to look more like a rant but stay with me.

For much we complain about Kaz, we really are afraid of the truth: he is nowhere as disapointing as Nina. Yes, Kaz is more changed, but 1) A lot of that is due to the fact that Nina does get to say and act on scenes that are in the books. 2) If you take out the books, if they don’t exist, then Kaz as a character still stands out , Nina on the show is “the grisha who is in love with a druskelle”...and nothing else

Let´s make an experiment, what people who didn’t read the books can tell from Nina´s first scene? “She is a radical” Arkeen says , but it later turns out to be a lie. “She is a powerfull heartrender” Big deal! so are Fedyor and Ivan.”She is not afraid of using her powers to her advantage” oh great, are we going to see more of that? of course we won’t , it´s exclusive to that introductory scene.

What people who DID read the books can say about Nina´s first scene? “Oh, they are changing Nina, how would this affect her character?” Doesn’t matter! Nothing about show!Nina matters beyond Matthias, she could as well be introduced as a grisha prisioner right away and nothing would change. And look, the scenes taken directly from the book are well done, well acted, it shows Nina´s personality and beliefs , but none of this are quite relevant due to the changes on her backstory. So while her first scene on the show, is cool on it´s own, is quite disponsable.

Clearly it had to be diferent from the book, but it could had been something more apropiate. For ex: having her apearing before her mission while talking with Zoya,Fedyor or even Kirigan, show her as reckless but loyal to her country, which would add more meaning to the fact that she fell in love with a druskelle.

Now Nina in the book goes without saying, in her first scene you can tell she is playfull, flirty, likes to eat, shameless, resourceful since she is using her grisha powers to gain money in a place where is dangerous to be one, but there is more to her since she gets completely serious when Matthias is mentioned, you are shown that this “cool and playfull” girl is also quite emotional.

Honestly, a proper introduction scene would have fixed so much about Nina, instead of putting a “radical plot twist” that served for nothing. So, while Kaz´s first scene on the show, while underwhelming compared to the book, can at least be called “apropiate” the same can not be said about Nina´s. Hell, even if you had her on a scene with no focus beyond “grisha soldier” still could have worked better since you would become more and more interested on her once get gets captured. Literally anything could have worked more than a random storyline that borderlines on Trinity Syndrome (i know is not exactly it but that´s how it feels to me)

-Inej is honestly just diferent, of course, there is more impact on the book. She is the first crows POV. You get to see her doubts about Kaz but later you get to see her abilities from her point of view, so even if she is talking about Kaz , you don’t ignore Inej you are also focussed on what she is doing, what she is thinking and exposes her beliefs. In the show, the roles are inverted, Kaz comes first and he introduces to audience to Inej. You don’t know anything about her right away, you can tell she is an expert spy who can appear and disapear like a shadow, she is dangerous but once she settles she shows her more gentle side.

I had already done a paragraph on how both of this scenes work perfectly fine, both are engaging and make her interesting ...then i remembered (and got confirmed) that the infamous “she is not like you, no one is” is on Inej´s first scene on the show and whoa, what a way to ruin a perfectly good introduction and for what? for ship content? Did the show had to make itself so obvious it was writen by a man?

Alright, i will try to not be biassed on how much i hate that part, is not even the line, is the fact that Inej is charmed by this. Let´s see you are watching the show without knowing the books, what would you think of her? That she is conceited and is proud to be given male attention over other women.

But this never happens with Inej on the rest of the show (thankfully or i´d be pissed) , she even chooses to help Alina over Kaz . So, why even have that? So yeah, is because of that one and only misstep that Inej´s first scene on the show is not perfect as it should have been.

I honestly didn’t mean to rant, i just wanted to explain why the ones of the books are better beyond “because is the original” “because it´s cooler”. But well, i´ll post the part 2 soon.

#six of crows #shadow and bone netflix #kaz brekker #nina zenik #grishaverse netflix #the crow #netflix grishaverse #sab netflix #inej ghafa

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lunaflower · 4 years ago

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Six of Crows AU (dsmp)

In which c! Wilbur, c!Jack Manifold, c!Tubbo, c!Techno, c!Ranboo and c!Tommy are the crows (uhh spoilers for six of crows btw)

Wilbur (Kaz): the leader of the crows, oldest member of the Dregs out of the 6 of them and mastermind of all the plans. Has the iconic Kaz cane. Gets offered a one in a lifetime offer by none other than Dream, one of the richest merchants in Ketterdam (Jan Van Eck). Dream wants him to infiltrate the Ice Court in Fjerda and bring him the Grisha that created jurda parem, a highly addictive and debilitating drug that enhances grisha's abilities. Has a huge soft spot for Tubbo and Tommy but refuses to admit it.

Jack (Jesper): has known Wilbur the longest. He's the best sharpshooter the Dregs have but, unlike Jesper, he's not a Grisha. That's just all pure Jack Manifold talent, because it's Jack Manifold. However, he maintains Jesper's gambling addiction. Suspects from the beggining there’s something up with Tommy and, because he knows Wilbur so well, he’s aware Wilbur is probably actively hiding it from the rest of them. It pisses him off, making him kinda hostile towards Tommy at first.

Tubbo (Inej): was sold to a show house in Ketterdam when he was young to be a cleaning boy. His tiny stature and ability to go by unnoticed make him the perfect spy. And Wilbur recognized that back then and ended up buying off his indenture so he could work for the Dregs. Was tasked with keeping an eye on Tommy before the heist. Visits Ranboo regularly, even though Wilbur told him not to get too close. Looks up to Wilbur a lot, especially since he was the one to save him.

Ranboo (Nina): Heartrender (works at one of those houses where they calm the costumers and remove negative emotions and all that) and some Tailor abilities (naturally looks like irl Ranboo but tailors himself to have black hair and dual-colored green and red eyes). Just like in the books, was captured by druskelle, which led to him making and losing a friend, ending up in Ketterdam. Kinda swore off his more uh...violent powers after a nasty incident where some people may or may not have ended up dead, but then Wilbur needed him for the job and oh well (enter morality conflict here).

Techno (Matthias): pretty much the same as the books. He's the druskelle that helped Ranboo escape and became friends with, before Ranboo got him arrested in the worst prison in Ketterdam (it was to save him, but Techno doesn't know this). Does not want to be here, but will anyway because he wants to get out of Hellgate more and, sadly for him, Wilbur is his ticket out. Has a particularly nasty attitude towards Ranboo (because backstory).

Tommy (Wylan): demolition's expert, except, he's the secret Grisha instead of Jack (at first Wilbur and Tubbo are the only ones who know). Second plot twist that isn't really a plot twist: he's Dream's "charge". Dream picked him up off the streets when he was a little kid because he knew he was Grisha and wanted to train him and use him to his advantage (being c!dream I think you know how good of a time c!Tommy had). He's a Fabrikator, but Dream kinda wanted him to use his abilities in a more agressive/fighting style, so that's how he rolls mainly. After meeting the crows, he starts learning how to use his abilities to actually create things (aka starts healing) and eventually makes Wilbur a new cane.

BONUS!

Fundy is Kuwei, aka the Grisha they end up rescuing from the Ice Court

Philza is the boss of the Dregs, he took Wilbur in and advocates for him a lot, since the rest of the gang kinda dislikes him

Schlatt is pretty much Pekka Rollins. Quackity is his second in command, but he's secretly working with Wilbur to take him out

Eret is Nikolai aka the king of Ravka, Puffy is Zoya (a Squaller) and Niki is Genya (a Tailor)

George is Alys Van Eck (but in a non shippy way, every relationship in this au is platonic, so basicaly he’s just a friend of Dream´s), because I think that is funny

#dream smp #Dsmp #Dsmp au #Dsmpblr #Dsmp soc au #dream smp au #Tommyinnit #Wilbur soot #Tubbo #Jack manifold #Ranboo #Technoblade #Sbi aren't family btw #Only the found type but that's all of them #luna posts #Text #If any of you want more context on six of crows feel free to ask its a really good book :)

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kazs-new-hat · 3 years ago

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on this fine, fine day i present to you: the crows playing modern-day mulitplayer games.

mario

like can you imagine mario party?? SMASH BROS??

there's six of them tho so they're gonna have to rotate

probably have some tournament organized, and the winner gets a money prize

to settle an argument they bring out the switch and just beat it out on smash bros

i have a hunch that wylan would be a beast at mario kart;;; inej too for some odd reason

nina thinks it's a stupid game (she keeps bumping into walls and coming in last) it's okay nina me too

they get LOUD-

minecraft

kaz would beat the game single-handedly while the others are still struggling to make a bed and gather enough resources

jesper would get sidetracked and start role-playing either a "w33d" farmer or have an army of dogs or pigs or something

wylan knows every little trick and technique to get as much resources in as little time as possible but somehow has the worst luck and dies all the time

matthias is the complete opposite--knows nothing but has not died once

inej and nina are sick of the boys shenanigans and make a little wooden cottage of their own lmao which got burned down because nina tried to make a fireplace rip diamonds

fps games

for some reason jesper is nOT as good a shooter in-game than he is irl probably has something to do with lack of fabrikator advantages but i still think he's pretty good

matthias helvar designated driver tm

meanwhile kaz is a horrible driver and he keeps running into trees and rocks and saying "it's to distract our opponents"

why do i feel like inej is really good at these games she just has all the luck with loot and is somehow also as great sneaking around in-game without anyone noticing

most fps games hv up to four members so they have to split up when they all play together

matthias takes joy in running over kaz with a vehicle every time they're against each other

kaz: "you like that don't you"

matthias: "just a little"

nina probably also acts like a healer in some way only because she finds the most useless stuff and can't contribute to killings

wylan definitely throwing bombs at random.. it works about 70% of the time so that's fine

among us

they either betray each other like it's politics or hijack the game and turn against the other four random players. no. in. between.

jesper is just blabbing in the chat about things that never really happened

"OH MY GOD YELLOW JUST KILLED PINK"

"jes, you're yellow"

wylan is amazing at playing crewmate, always sussing out the imposter almost instantly;;; definitely mvp

inej is a TERRIFYING imposter, and so is kaz but if you put them together everyone's already doomed aww power couple

matthias dutifully does all his tasks first and foremost, and he's usually able to pick out the imposter either by guessing or realizing something isn't adding up but he's also usually killed first ;,(

nina hogs the security cams like it's a plate of waffles;; she catches a murder about 30% of the time... either that or she hangs out by the big red button to call meetings;;; horrible crewmate but she probably is an amazing imposter too

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anonniemousefics · 4 years ago

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My Dearest Inej | Chapter Eleven

Chapter Masterlist

Originally posted on AO3

Rating: Teen And Up

Synopsis: A series of letters kept among the personal belongings of Captain Inej Ghafa.

Chapter Eleven: A Balancing Act

My darling Inej,

Don’t think for a minute I don’t know what you’re aiming at with this letter full of questions. You may have my heart, but you can’t be privy to all of my schemes, especially when I’m now aware that your birthday is next month. Did you think I would forget? My dear, I forget nothing.

So, no, to all of your questions. I’m not telling you what I’ve been plotting lately. I’m not telling you what has been on my mind. I’m not telling you if I’ve been visiting Jesper and Wylan’s more than usual. You must wait in suspense just as Jesper did. That’s part of the experience.

And don’t make that scoffing sound when you read this. I remind you that this whole birthday gift experience business was all your idea. You have no one to blame but yourself.

How do I sleep at night, you asked? Noisily, I’ve been told, but just fine, thank you.

With all of my scheming heart,

Kaz

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To my favorite Inej,

Has he said anything at all to you – regarding the incident in my last letter? We found him on the couch again this morning. It’s at least becoming less startling when it happens. I just wish I understood it. He has that uncanny ability to vanish without explanations, and Wylan and I aren’t sure how to bring it up since he’s so clearly bent on pretending it’s not happening.

I suppose if our sofa and our dog are what he needs right now for whatever is happening inside that ridiculous brain of his, then I’m glad we’re able to help in some small way. He’s not taking advantage of much. We only wish he’d trust us with more.

I mean, we’ve all have nearly died for his schemes on more than one occasion. Should I remind him of that? What could possibly be too much to ask of us at this point?

All my love,

Jesper

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To our feared and beloved Captain

For her twenty-first birthday:

Cake and kvas and mysteries galore

Are awaiting your arrival

Return to Ketterdam if you wish to know more

Your presence is requested at the enclosed address, at 3 bells the 18th of October.

No questions. All will be revealed in time.

Love,

Your favorite Crows

(addition in Kaz’s handwriting)

That gods-awful poem was Jesper and Wylan’s idea. Withhold judgment until after the evening. I’ll make it worth your while.

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Dear Nina,

I’m sailing away from Ketterdam today having nearly every single one of my birthday wishes fulfilled but one. But I won’t hold it against you. I know why you couldn’t have been there, or at least, I understand why I don’t know the specifics of why you couldn’t be there. Just know that, at the time of writing this and always, you are sorely missed.

You would be so proud, though, with how our boys outdid themselves. I am impressed and moved and, frankly, still a little speechless. I’m honestly still replaying the memories and recalling the half-starved scrappy little things we all were seven years ago, and the two images side-by-side could not be any more different. I hope, wherever you are, the passage of time is bringing you similar new hopes. You deserve that and so much more, Nina.

Where to begin? You know, years ago, just before we started the Ice Court, Kaz made me this lofty, insane promise. That, if we did it right, we’d be kings and queens. I’ll be damned if he wasn’t right.

The day started at a dressmaker’s shop. I’d been given an address and a time to arrive, and that alone was a little jaw-dropping. It was in The Lid – an absolute premier spot I’d never even heard of when I lived in Ketterdam. I was grossly underdressed when I arrived. It’s not that I have anything against dresses – you know this. They’re just not at all practical for my line of work, and so I have none. I confess that sometimes I’ll admire them in a shop window when I’m out and about in a port town, but why in the world would I ever spend the coin on one? I wouldn’t even know what suits me anymore.

This dressmaker, though, Nina. She knew all everything about the right fabrics, the right cut, the right make. They’d booked me the entire shop all to myself, just me and the dressmaker. She found me an absolute perfect gown – I’m staring at it right now. I have no idea what the hell I’m supposed to do with it now that my birthday’s over. Maybe I’ll prop it up in my desk chair and have tea with it every once and awhile. It’s this breathtaking light, pastel yellow, like sunshine, with all this detailed beadwork and exposed shoulders and what the dressmaker called an A-line waist. You might know what that means. I think it’s just dressmaker code for very pretty. She tailored me into it right there in the shop and fitted me with shoes and a cloak to match.

(My one regret was having no idea what to do with my hair. You’d cringe, but I left it in the braid. A minor detail the boys overlooked.)

It took a good few hours to get fixed up in the dress, and it was nearly evening by then. The dressmaker assured me it was all paid for, and right about that time, a black carriage pulled up in front of the shop. And Jesper and Wylan had their heads out the windows, shouting like madmen at me from the streets. I think the entirety of The Lid knew then about my birthday.

Kaz was in the carriage, too, hiding his enthusiasm as he does so well. I have to tell you, though, Nina, I won’t ever forget the look on his face when I got into the carriage. He was clearly trying his best to remain cool and unaffected, but I saw it, the way his jaw dropped slightly and his breath caught. This is obviously why I can never get rid of this dress. I’m just imagining what he’s going to end up writing in his letter after this, since, verbally, he actually managed to mumble that I looked beautiful, right there in front of Jesper and Wylan.

You know, it’s interesting. When he says it, it’s not at all like hearing a man in the Menagerie say it. When he says it, it’s like it’s not just the dress. I don’t know how else to explain it. It’s the same words, and yet it’s so very different.

And it only got better from there. The city was getting dusky, and the lamps were being lit. We were still in The Lid, amongst carriages and carriages of the filthy rich from the Financial District, the Government District, and tourists from all over. I kept leaning my head out the window to figure out what was coming next.

Nina – they had bought us all ticket to the Cirque Euphoric.

Maybe this means nothing to you. But it’s only the most ancient, most elite, most elaborate traveling circus in the world. It can only be afforded anymore by the wealthiest of tourists. And they were there doing an entire season in The Lid in Ketterdam, under a big top the size of two city blocks.

Nina, you don’t understand. My entire childhood, I kept posters and drawings and any relic that made its way to the markets from the Cirque Euphoric. Their high wire artists set the standard for all other performers in the business. The things they do in the sky, Nina, are things I haven’t even begun to imagine yet.

Sufficed to say, as soon as I figured out where we were going, I lost it. I did not know what to do with myself. I’m embarrassed to admit this, but I burst into tears. It was a horrifying few moments for everyone involved. They were fairly certain they’d done something horribly wrong, instead of so wonderfully right. But that only last a couple minutes. I was able to get it together before Kaz could yell at the driver to take us back to East Stave. And then the merriment resumed, soaked handkerchief and all.

Oh, Saints, Nina, it was everything I’d ever imagined and more.

I don’t know how he knew this, but Kaz had reserved us the very best seats. You don’t want to sit too high at a circus or you’ll miss entertainment on the ground. Sitting too low presents a problem, too, because you want to be able to see the footwork the high wire artists can do. We were right in the middle, just where I’d have picked seats myself. Sankta Alina, I felt like a little girl again. I haven’t been that happy in years. I’d almost forgotten what it was to be that happy. And to watch it all with such beloved friends, who knew me well enough to know I would like this, to watch and hear their reactions to the performances. They might have loved it almost as much as I did. Almost.

We took another carriage ride after, hours later, when it was dark and the streets were bustling with very different crowds. I would have assumed that was the end of it, but Kaz had made us reservations in a private dining room at a fine dining club I’d never heard of.

My entire crew from The Wraith was waiting in the dining room. We ate a meal there fit for royalty, with drinks and a cake big enough that even you might have gotten sick of it after awhile. I don’t think I’ll need to eat again for weeks.

It must have been around midnight or past when we finally rolled ourselves out of the club. We took another carriage ride, stopping first at the Van Eck mansion so Wylan could haul a decently-sloshed Jesper off to bed and hopefully not to the toilet bowl. I actually never heard how he ended up faring that night.

And then it was finally just Kaz and me. If I hadn’t been so tired then, I think I’d have tried to snog his face off the whole way home. I’d been noticing his smug little smirk all evening. He’d planned the whole thing. Like I said, kings and queens. He’d made good on his word at last.

But we were both exhausted on that final carriage ride – he’d booked me a room at the Geldrenner. And it’s not like I needed anything else at that point. The whole experience had already exceeded my expectations. He leaned back against the window, and I rested against him under his arm. We both dozed off there before the end of the ride.

Which is another point I realize I haven’t mentioned to you yet. This has been happening lately. Kaz falling asleep in unusual places. Jesper’s been worrying about it for weeks now. I was having a hard time believing it until I witnessed it myself. Tell me this isn’t weird:

We got to the Geldrenner, and I asked him to come up. Oh, calm down. Are we really going to pretend like this is shocking at this point? Frankly, given the number of years, it’s shocking we weren’t sneaking into hotel rooms four years ago. And it’s not like we do much more than kiss. Although, I thought about it. It was my birthday after all, and he had just gifted me the experience of a lifetime and a luxury hotel room to boot. I was definitely thinking about it.

But that’s not the weird part. Let’s agree that’s not the weird part, anyway. We came up, and we did very little talking. There’d been plenty of talking happening all night, and I was more interested in other things he can do with his mouth. Kissing, Nina, Saints. I can sense you doing that waggling thing with your eyebrows. I’m talking about just a lot of kissing, as soon as he let me get my hands on him. The kind of kissing every grown woman should have on her birthday, kisses that slide into more kisses, like there’s nothing else in the world happening but this.

But then the weird part happened. We’re lying on the bed (fully clothed, Nina, he even still had his gloves on), or at least, he’s lying back on the pillows and I’m kissing him, and then I notice he wasn’t really moving. And I sat back a moment, and I swear to you, he had fallen asleep. Believe me, I called him out on it right then, literally – “Are you sleeping?!” And he flinched right awake and apologized and blamed it on the kvas, and I might have even believed him.

Except Jesper keeps talking about this strange new habit of his. And, as I replay the night’s memories in my head, it does feel like something was off. He seemed paler. He seemed quieter. He seemed – well, tired.

Now I can’t kick this feeling like there’s something more happening behind the scenes. I wish you were here, Nina, and you could work your magic like you do and just squeeze the truth out of his brain somehow. I’ll have to settle for my own magic, I guess.

When I look over my letters from him, he’s off-handedly mentioned feeling overwhelmed, particularly since this kid Artie joined the Dregs. And, don’t get me wrong, the kid is kind of handful. His moods swing wide between murderous rage and affectionate admiration. But he’s not Kaz’s sole responsibility. Pim and Anika do a lot to keep him on task and out of the bad kind of trouble. I wouldn’t think this would be enough to drive him to exhaustion.

But then again, Artie is the same age Jordie was. I wonder how much that gets to him. I wonder how much time he spends avoiding that. I wonder if he allows himself to think of it at all. Would that be enough to push him to the edge? Or is it something more?

It couldn’t be me, could it? Am I becoming exhausting?

Ugh, Nina, come squeeze this out of my brain, too. And then come dress shopping with me, because it is much more enjoyable than I thought it would be.

Missing you terribly,

Inej

#six of crows #soc #crooked kingdom #grishaverse #leigh bardugo #kaz brekker #inej ghafa #nina zenik #jesper fahey #wylan van eck #ketterdam #kanej #kanej fanfic #kaz brekker x inej ghafa #kaz x inej #fanfic #fanfiction

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benmparks · 4 years ago

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Six of Crows (series) Review

patreon | kofi

Last night I picked up Six of Crows again, pretending I was just going to peruse it for the purpose of this review but who am I kidding? I am fully obsessed with these books, I just wanted to read it again. With that being said, welcome to my review of the Six of Crows duology, Six of Crows and Crooked Kingdom by Leigh Bardugo.

Review

The duology follows six members of this gang, the Dregs, that Kaz Brekker basically runs as they try to outwit some big players. Somehow Leigh Bardugo manages to jump from six POVs and not only make it work, but also use it to her advantage. The plot is crazy heist after heist, a lot of violence and darkness and yet every character and scene feels so endearing. The character work is crazy in these books, and at the end of the day the focus isn’t the crazy stunts they pull but the dynamic and connections between these six very different characters and how in the end they do care about each other despite the odds.

In the big picture of things, both of the books get a 4/5 Goodreads stars from me. I could not put either of the books down, and to be honest it felt like one long book if only because I read them back to back. Six of Crows is the “introduction” to the characters, but the book jumps right into it. The writing is very dense with character and world building, in a way that I found entrancing instead of boring somehow. I think I can credit that to the richness of the characters, and my immediate love for each and everyone of them. Admittedly, if I didn’t already know them from the show, I don’t know if I would have made it past the first page which is why it only gets 4 out of 5 stars. It was a thick book, and sometimes my eyes did just glaze over the words to try to get it moving.

The ending of Six of Crows was almost cruel, and I had to wait a day before I could get Crooked Kingdom. Reading Crooked Kingdom was like running a marathon and I have to admit, I’m not sure it was because it was very interesting or I just really wanted to get to the good parts. The plot in Crooked Kingdom gets a little repetitive, and I just really wanted Kaz to get some rest near the end, but the writing and some scenes really saved the whole book. I have reread some scenes multiple times already, Ms. Bardugo does have a solid grasp on writing emotion and dynamics in a way that feels so authentic like I am watching it play in front of me.

Some Thoughts

To be fully transparent, I read these books so quickly and in a haze of hyper fixation, so my review is probably biased but the books really did deliver on the character building that I wanted after what I had seen of the crows in the show. The writing was truly captivating, and the plot had me stoked to see how they managed to pull it off. By the end of Crooked Kingdom, I had managed to figure out the pattern though, which made the final resolution a little lackluster to me.

I really liked how casually diverse the cast was, with people of color with their own fantasy cultures, diverse romances, and even some disability representation. Kaz, my favorite character, has a limp and PTSD induced touch aversion like........ That spoke to me on a personal level. (I don’t have PTSD, but I also can be averse to touch at times.) The way that all of this works together, the diverse character with their diverse traits and flaws, was a masterpiece.

I keep going on and on about the characters, but I am truly amazed at how well they were built throughout the series both personally and their interpersonal connections. You get the sense that they are a dysfunctional family that deeply cares for each other. I said it already, but it is really endearing despite all the violence and thievery. So much so, that the rest of my review will be about that.

Let’s talk about the relationships

Kaz and Everyone Else

Everytime I write this review it devolves into me going on and on about how much I love Kaz and here we are again... but really. He carries the story, okay?

As I said, Kaz is the cold and calculating “leader” of the Dregs. He is known in the Barrel (where they live) as a ruthless killer who cares about furthering his gang than anything else, which is sort of true but not the whole story. By the end of Crooked Kingdom, I think what Kaz cares about the most is getting everyone else out safely. He had dragged them all into the mess they were in, where chances of getting out alive were slim, and he felt personally responsible for making sure it worked for everyone else. This was the part where I was reading just so maybe he would go to sleep, because I was so worried about him.

There were other moments throughout the books that showed his “soft side” for his gang, but in ways that they wouldn’t read as friendliness. He acts very careful to continue his persona around everyone except...... Inej. Which we’ll get to in a moment.

Kaz and Jesper

Jesper is sort of Kaz’s right hand man, he is introduced to us in that context anyway. It is not made clear, as I remember, their relationship much further than this but Jesper clearly looks up to him. Impressing Kaz, or proving his loyalty to him, seems to be a main driver in Jesper’s actions. He clearly wants a more personal relationship with him, and is constantly disappointed.

I liked how they portrayed these two, switching POVs to show that they are very clearly close personally but neither of them really knows. Near the end, in a dramatic and emotionally charged scene, Kaz accidentally calls Jesper his dead brother’s name and I think that says it all. That was one of my favorite scenes because after two books of this sort of tense relationship between them, it kind of ties it all up in a bow. Kaz does care about Jesper, maybe too much in his opinion.

Jesper and Wylan

Wylan is the estranged son of the merchant that they were up against, so the crew originally sees him as a bit of an outsider. He had a rich upbringing, so they think of him as soft and he’s only originally used as something to hold against the merchant. I loved him, he was the voice of reason in the group. A look into what a normal person might see when interacting with this band of thieves.

Jesper is a flirtatious character, he flirts with everyone, but you can see the slow way his flirting with Wylan changes into something a little deeper. Their relationship was masterfully done, it was like I stumbled into it. It was like, halfway through Crooked Kingdom, I suddenly cared a lot about them which made the twists and turns of their relationship so much more fulfilling.

One side note, I personally didn’t care for their final resolution. I’m not big on sappy endings, so there’s that.

Nina and Inej

I love a female friendship, okay? Nina’s entire story seemed to focus on Matthius and her being a grisha (someone who can use magic), so her interactions with Inej were refreshing. Nina was like the heart of this troupe, trying to keep the focus on a righteous goal instead of the money that Kaz seemed to only care about. (Seemed being the operative word). Inej was a perfect counterpart to that, as her religious and cultural background kept her on the softer side of things despite integration to the Dregs.

I think it was those parts of their story that made them care so much about each other, they were two girls trying to keep a part of themselves in this crazy world of the Barrel. In the midst of all the darkness and scheming, their softer bond was a welcome addition.

Nina and Matthius

I said this in my Shadow and Bone review, I just don't care for these two. Nina, as I mentioned, is a grisha and Matthius was a grisha hunter who did try to kill her. Maybe a little too enemies to lovers for me, and too fast. While I think their dynamic was better portrayed in the books, I still didn't really like Matthius as a character and I didn't feel a strong enough reason for Nina to care so much for him. I think their story is a little too insta-love for me. (I also had a major spoiler about the two of them which I don't think helped, let's just say I knew not to get too attached.)

Kaz and Inej

Alright. I’m writing this.

Kaz wears gloves all the time, except with Inej.

I mean, that’s the dynamic. He is that cold blooded guy from the Barrel, except with Inej. He doesn’t want to admit that he feels anything besides professional feelings for her, but god does he pretty much from the start. When he’s losing his mind, it’s Inej that brings him back. When Inej is attacked, oh my god the writing for that part. He lost it, and it was dark and scary because he was scared he was going to lose her.

Yet, still, he won’t admit it.

Inej wants to believe he is that cold blooded guy from the Barrel, she wants to believe there is something else in him but whenever she tries to find it, he pushes her away. Still, she stays and tries again until she gives up but Kaz doesn't give up on her. Kaz never gives up on her, everything he does is for her in the end. He wants her to get everything she dreams for, even if he thinks dreams and hopes are stupid distractions.

And, in the end, he does that for her. And they hold hands.

(Which is a big deal because, as I said, he’s touch averse but he wants to touch her...............................................)

Anyway.

That’s my review.

The characters carried the story which got long and repetitive at some points, but I really did devour these books in a matter of days and I’m still rereading parts just to relive them again. 4/5 stars.

Thanks for reading.

#six of crows #crooked kingdom #shadow and bone #alina starkov #bookblr #review #mine

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leanarg · 5 years ago

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Practice Challenge II

((Hi again! So, these are 3 fics in one post! Including my first two rps with @ladyreggiewright (our very first one after ages not doing this so asdfghk) and with @wylan-caldwell I had so much fun doing both, so thank you, guys! <3 Thanks for reading too, hope you enjoy them as much as I stuggled writing them ;P Google Docs link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ARTjqveFJ1njDc2LL0PU4C0ShN2jlO9JC1Imt9MDTh8/edit?usp=sharing ))

A CHANGE OF LUCK

“Alright, y’all ready?” Rita said with a loud voice vibrating with nervousness. “The speeches are over. In the next block, Prince Arin will be picking the names.” That was her fifth lap around the entertainment office floor and she just couldn’t stop repeating what Vandy Post had already announced before each round of commercials. I knew she was trying to act authoritative, but seeing her in this state was always amusing.

It wasn’t unusual that the building was bursting with energy this late at night. The pre-press team always stayed working on putting together the bulldog broadsheets content and adding the last details, then sent the whole thing before the deadline to the press team operating on the last floor, where they were all in charge of the printing process. I would dare to say there was activity in this place 24/7. But this particular night, we were focused on The Report. The streets looked almost empty from up here, everyone was at home in front of their TV waiting for the names of the lucky girls randomly picked by a drawing of names out of different crystal boxes. 35 provinces, 35 boxes, 35 names.

My attention had been focused on Arin’s stern expression. His life was about to be decided by fate, or as many people want to call it, destiny. I wonder what was he thinking, standing there expressionless, willing to uphold his duty.

Is he excited? Is he nervous? Is he wishing he could run away from that room and leave all this tradition behind?

My name was inside of one of the boxes, so I should had been even more anxious and edgy than Rita herself, but, after the PET Gala fiasco, where: I hadn’t gotten the clues I was so close to getting, I hadn’t finished the job I was supposed to be doing and my one month salary had been reduced to half; I was certain that whoever was in charge of my luck was not very fond of me.

“They are back!” Rita shouted as soon as Arin’s face reappeared. Everyone in the room fell silent. I scoffed a laugh when I noticed them unconsciously leaning slightly towards the big tv, but I ended up doing the same after adjusting my glasses. One by one the basic information of the selected were being transcribed from the screen to our devices as Arin picked out their papers.

<< “From Allens, Idalia Moretti, from Angeles, Emily Rose White,... from Honduragua, Callia Adair…” >>

My fingers were moving fast across my cellphone’s keyboard. These were the girls we would be hearing a lot about from now on and I needed to know everything about them.

<< “From Labrador, Lea…” >>

I froze. My head felt dizzy trying to take in what I had just heard. For the shortest of seconds, everyone’s eyes were on me. I could hear Rita’s voice instructing them to get back to work and maybe someone else was now in charge of The Globe’s blog but at that moment I couldn’t care less about that.

It’s really happening... I made it to the selection!

Finally, I could stand up. I was feeling so much energy inside me that I wanted to run. Suddenly, the lift made a sound and my dad came quickly out of it and … wait, my mom is here? She was carrying my sleepy little brother, Dean.

I could read the shock on my parents’ faces.“I’m in!!” I said a little too loud but since Mr. Grant was there no one dared to complain. My dad let out a short laugh before extending his arms for an embrace. “Congratulations, Rosie, I knew it would happen, didn’t I tell you V?” He said to my mom. “Grants always get what they want.”

Ugh, I wish. But I wasn’t going to argue with him right now, so I just offered him a wink.

As soon as my father let go, my mom surrounded me with her free arm. “So how does it feel to be a lady, huh? We have to celebrate this!”

“Well, do ladies feel hungry this late? Cause I wasn’t feeling it a moment ago.” “Yes, let’s leave these guys to work in peace.” my dad said suddenly remembering where we were. After clearing his throat as if that simple gesture was a switch between the dad and the boss, he talked with Rita to make sure someone had replaced me updating the blog, then he congratulated everyone for their dedication and finally wished them good night. “I just hope you are paying me the full day,” I said to my dad as we all headed outside.

“I mean, are you working right now?” He raised an eyebrow, mockingly.

I sighed “I guess Grants can’t always get what they want after all.” And I meant it in more than one way.

The next week ran fast. My father and I agreed that I had to keep going to the office as usual, but it wasn’t easy to balance my work and my phone ringing every 5 minutes. More than once I had to ride home in the middle of the day because someone was waiting for me at home.

First, a man with a very peculiar face came to do some kind of interrogation, which was understandable until we got to the most uncomfortable, personal ones. I almost spit my coffee laughing until I realized he had no intention to leave until he got every answer to each one of the questions on his list.

Like him, I received a tailor and a doctor; but it wasn’t until the press started to ask for interviews when I realized my life had made a turn of 360 degrees.

The thing I lamented the most about this odd schedule was that I couldn’t travel to the provinces to interview some of the selected as we had planned, but I did take advantage of every opportunity I had to do deep research about them.

Some of the names or last names could be found on old newspaper editions, there were tragedies, accomplishments, unfortunate events… I smiled to myself, while I made annotations on my journal, fascinated by all the different interesting lives that were about to gather under the same roof. And I guess somehow that included mine.

The farewell party organized by Labrador’s Mayor seemed more like a political campaign than a real party. I might have fallen asleep during his speech if I hadn’t been texting Harris for the 40th time that week.

The last time I knew something about him was the night of the announcement when he sent me a simple “Congratulations, Lady Lea.” Then as the photographer, he had to go with Rea to the half-tour over the country to cover the selected interviews.

“How dare you not be here when you are needed,... you lucky mooncalf.”

I looked up to see the crowd from my place on the big platform set in the middle of the Amberly park. It hadn’t been a very good idea, because there were grey clouds gathering over us and the sun was partially covered by them already.

Someone forgot to check the weather section today.

But the trees surrounding us were decorated with purple and green metallic balloons -the colors of our province- and there were several signs with good wishes so I appreciated the effort.

Everyone was here; The Globe employees that didn’t like me at all, my family on the first row, my college best friend, Liv had made space on her busy schedule to come to the event, even my grandmother had sent his chauffeur with presents. That was her way to show support and I honestly didn’t have any complaints. After the Mayor’s speech, the great boss Maxwell Loyd took the microphone to speak, I rolled my eyes, not caring about the people in front of me. He didn’t waste this opportunity to promote himself and flatter me. I mean, if he really had thought all that about me I would have had a promotion and a raise already, instead I just got ridiculous instructions and a handshake.

When they both finally finished, the rain had started to pour, plus it was almost time for me to leave for the airport. I buttoned my coat before taking my place behind the microphone to start talking, but the eyes of the lady in charge of my schedule forced me to skip until the end of the speech I had prepared the night before. Every time I was going to make it sound deep and sentimental she made a sign for me to hurry.

“I appreciate your support… I will do my best… thank you for coming.”

Were the only complete sentences I managed to say under such pressure. There was clapping and cheering afterwards, but there was after the previous boring speeches as well, so I didn’t get too excited about that.

“Have a good time, my Lea.” My mother said after kissing my brow. I could smell her sweet perfume that I was going to miss. “I will, mom. Take care, I’m only leaving cause I know you are going to be in charge.” I side eyed the two men of the house. Then I kissed my little brother and messed his blond hair. “Bye bye little toad.” He just babbled something and waved his little hand.

“So, Lady Grant. What do you expect from Prince Arin? Do you secretly plan to drink all the coffee from the Angele’s Palace? Rumor has it your father won’t let you marry until you turn 48 years old do you think Your Highness would wait for you that long?” “Wow, Mr. Grant you ask pretty basic questions, I have been asked the same ones all week.” He gave me a big tight hug and I ignored the wool of his coat feeling itchy on my cheek. “I’m very proud of you Leana, and of course I’m not talking about this selection situation… I’m sorry about-” I stopped him not wanting to have our little disagreements as today’s last memory. And I also hoped I could change his mind by the time I returned home. “We can talk about that when I come back, dad.” He nodded. “I’m starting to feel bad for our dear Prince Arin.” I scoffed a laugh.

“Lady Grant, we are past the established hours already.” I heard a lady behind me.

I turned to my friend Liv with an apologetic expression but she just smiled and waved. “I will text you… Bye! The rain started to fall harder but I had read the weather section on the paper this morning so I was properly dressed with boots and a coat over my white shirt and black pants.

I walked towards a guard who was holding an opened umbrella to cover us with it. He opened the door of the car. Then he offered to take my bag for me, but I had packed some of my old journals in there among my personal things. “Thank you… What’s your name?” “Finn Ray, my lady.” He answered confused. “I will keep this here with me, Finn.” I said in what I hoped was a reassuring tone before entering the car. I guessed he was new at guarding selected, because I noticed him turning to look at the woman in charge of the schedule. She nodded once at him and joined me inside the limousine.

By the time we got to the airport I had learned that our chauffeur was called Alan Cobb, he had been working for the palace for 3 years on special occasions. He had three kids and his wife was expecting a baby girl.

The strict lady was Miss Ramirez, she was happily single, obviously tardiness was her biggest pet peeve and she had worked there for 6 years already, but she enjoyed her job and had never thought of doing anything else, although I didn’t quite understand exactly which was her role in the royal offices of Labrador.

She left me at the boarding door after wishing me luck.

The flight to Angeles was long. I shared a plane with 3 others selected, that seemed pretty decent at first sight.

We had a polite introduction conversation before we took off, but then everyone focused on her own thing; Jen Li, -the Yale law student from Waverly- took advantage of the 8 hours flight to sleep. Alana Hansen looked out from the window almost the whole time lost in her thoughts, and based on the green tone on Regina Wright’s face I guessed she was a risky company for the moment.

I remembered I had read about her parents' unfortunate plane accident in an old newspaper, they used to be famous politicians and she was an apple that had fallen close to the tree. Hopefully not too close.

So, considering my options I prefer to write in my journals during the whole trip.

As soon as we arrived we were hurried to a room for makeovers. For me it felt more like a day in the salon, nothing drastic was made, just a few lights on my hair, perfect makeup and a stunning blue dress with matching elegant pump heels shoes.

They did insisted on giving me contact lenses, since I had forgotten to pack mine, so after a long argument with the stylist, Mariel, I decided to wear the contacts and let him enjoy “his creation”.

In the end, despite the little changes, when he showed me my reflection in the mirror, I had to recognize I was content with the upgraded version of me.

ESSENTIAL RESEARCH

The tour around the palace was quite short considering its size. I was almost sure that it was bigger on the inside than it looked on the outside, but the curiosity to see my new room, made me settle with the basic information,

I took a glance down at the little map on my hand. Eloise Hall room 28, second floor. As I headed to the stairs, the decorations and fancy details surrounding me were impossible to ignore. With every step you could find paintings by famous old artists -my mother admired- hanging on the walls, expensive vases and beautiful furniture.

Looking around I spotted one of the selected quickly scribbling some notes in a notebook. As I got closer I noticed she was my plane mate, Regina Wright. Her green tone had disappeared or maybe covered with makeup and she looked much more secure now that we were down here on earth soil.

I laughed a little bit inside walking by her side “Hope whatever you are writing is worth a bump on your head.”

“I hope so too” She said absentmindedly, not looking up from her notebook. After some seconds she took a short look at me, flipped through her notebook and quickly closed it before I could react and lean discreetly to read what she was working on.

Okay, now I’m curious.

“Excuse me, hi. Leana is it?” She gave me a polite smile.

“Yes, feeling better... Regina..? I asked faking ignorance.

She looked at me as she didn’t know why I was asking her that but then just answered, “Splendid. But please, call me Reggie.”

We continue walking up the stairs towards the second floor, while we shook hands,

“I'm Leana Grant but you can call me Lea or Lee” I said touching the arc of my glasses I had put back on as soon as I left the makeover room.

She nodded. “Alright, Lea. Journalist, correct?” She made her pen click as if she was going to start writing again. I frowned, puzzled. “You too?”

She chuckled at the question as if I should already know who she was. And the truth was, I did.

“No,” she finally said, opening her notebook again, adding something, then she continued. “So, what brings you here?”

I was sure Reggie had many qualities but subtlety wasn’t one of them.

I pressed my lips together, thinking about my motives, which one of them should I tell her? I’m here as an inside informant for The Globe; or, I’m here to live and learn about this whole selection phenomenon… I didn’t even know which one was the right answer. “... just figured I couldn't miss this whole thing, you know.”

Half- truths are always safe.

“Are you here for politics?” I added before she could even think about my answer.

She looked pleasantly surprised by my question, clearing her throat. “Yes, that is one of the reasons.” She narrowed her eyes at me. “You did your research.”

I guess it was my turn to feel recognized, but unlike her I didn’t want to be so obvious, so I shrugged. “Your name rang a bell.”

She looked at me suspiciously, lifting her chin, a slight movement I didn’t quite understand. “Is that so? That's good, I suppose. Best to be prepared.”

“Maybe you are right, I guess you actually did your research. What do you have about me?” I asked directly now, pointing at her notebook casually.

She remained serious. “Oh, just the usual. Occupation, caste, age. Name, obviously. There's 35 of us after all. Would be a shame to get anyone mixed up.”

“Well, now most of us are threes and the twos are pretty well known.”

“Yes well, obviously. Was to be expected. It's still an appropriate mix.”

Her statement made me remember her parents somehow, obviously she had their school but I wonder how much she agreed with them. “That’s... a word to describe it, yes.” I answered incredulous, “So where are you staying?” I asked, as I noticed I have already found my room.

We discovered we were room neighbors which I decided was very convenient for me. I liked people who have answers to my questions.

She was concerned about my acoustic guitar hobby and I assured her I hadn’t brought mine with me. “The music room will do.” And she assured me her studying was going to be silent.

The conversation continued but my curiosity was already unbearable, so I opened the door of my room to check it out. I didn’t want to be rude so I invited Reggie inside as we talked.

“What are you working on?” I stepped inside

She followed. “Political Science Major.”

I gave her a glance to let her know that was not the answer I was looking for.

She blinked with realization. “Oh, I see I misunderstood. Well, actually I was just writing a paper on the pros and cons of capitalism and if our country should focus more on it like we did when we were still called the 'United States'” She air quoted the name.

I looked around my room considering her answer. Suddenly my eyes met with three maids standing in line in the middle of the room. When they saw us they made a courtesy and I nodded at them as a greeting, hoping we can have proper introductions later.

“Hmm the lesser of evils... but the United States not exactly an example to be followed.” I said to Reggie.

“Exactly.” She said. I noticed her writing a mark in her notebook.

“A-are you like grading me?” I dared to ask what I had suspected since the beginning, but I didn’t want to believe. It was shocking at first but after the third mark it became amusing.

“Who else do you have in there?” I asked curiously before running next to her to peek at her notebook. She closed it again. When I looked at her she smiled at me awkwardly “No, of course not. Just remembered something.” Her notebook was behind her back, now out of my reach. She straightened her shoulders before adding, “Well, thank you kindly for your invitation, glad to have met you…”

I stayed there confused, Had I gotten it wrong? Or was I right and she didn’t want me to know? Anyway, I should have said nothing. “Alright ... glad to meet you too, see you around.” I said worried that she might be uncomfortable now.

She nodded as she headed to the door. One of the maids hurried to hold the door for her.

I frowned concerned, I couldn’t just lose a source like her. “Wait for me tomorrow, I think we can walk to the dining room together.”

She turned to give me a frown, seemingly confused by my suggestion. “But I already know where it-” then she smiled. “I will.”

As soon as Reggie left I took out the journal from the pocket of my dress and tossed on the pretty desk by a large window where I peered at the view of the Angeles city.

FOR THE RECORD.

After introductions my maids brought me dinner up to my room. So while I was eating the best creamy mustard chicken I ever had, we had a little chat.

Among other things we talked about I expressed my surprise when I didn’t see any Royals when we arrived. Liberty, Camila and confirmed the Schreaves didn’t plan to meet any selected tonight, we would have to wait until morning. Queen Anjeli and Princess Ayesha had to leave the palace to attend important matters and Wylan Caldwell in spite of not being a selected was currently living in the Palace. Back in Labrador, I managed between college, work and extra work to fill my schedule, my mother never liked me being out of the house so late at night or sometimes not being able to have a complete breakfast in the morning, I enjoyed being busy and drive my Vespa from one place to another, but it was hard for me to admit that one of the reasons I liked my life that way was that besides when I was concentrated writing notes on my iTypewriter; I was not good at being alone with my thoughts. That’s why when I was a child my mother bought me a ukulele to play when I was feeling anxious, which gave excellent results. Later when I entered college I took a short guitar course with the same purpose.

Therefore, later that afternoon, when my maids went back to their chores, leaving me alone I decided to leave my room to check out the music room, as I promised Reggie I would do.

It took me some minutes to find the right door downstairs but my memory had never failed me and it wasn’t going to start now.

I opened the third door in the west hall and peeked inside. I felt relieved when I saw the big piano in the last corner and dared to walk inside. Besides the piano, there were several instruments resting on their stands spread around the room, most of them to play classical music, but luckily, an acoustic guitar was among them. I was going to pick it up to test it when I spotted shelves full of old vinyl records.

I walked towards the vinyl record player, it had a beautiful vintage look, it’s big horn imitated the ancient gramophones used during the Victorian years, but I suspected to be a more recent model.

I noticed someone had left a classic record on, I wonder which one of the Royals had been listening to it as I moved the tonearm onto the outer edge of the disk, the little diamond tip to touch the groove.

I guess I still remember how to use one of this.

I stretched my arm and pulled one of the discs from the upper shelf, the others came down with it and << "KNEEE-KNEEE!!" >>

The blaring sound of violins vibrated around the room making me wince for the annoying sound filling my ears.

“Damn!” I covered my ears while trying to find a way to turn the bloody record player off before my head exploded. Overwhelmed by the sound I went on my knees and stretched my hand behind the furniture looking desperately for the plug, but before I could find any the music stopped.

I stood up still touching my ears

Have I gone deaf?

“I take you didn’t mean to do that.” I heard someone say behind me.

Okay, I haven’t

I turned around to find a guy eyeing me warily, from the corner of my eye I noticed a laptop and a couple of heavy leather books that weren't on the table before.

“I was considering turning it on but it made the decision for me,” I said without explaining.

At that moment, a couple of guards came into the room alarmed. They scanned the room quickly before looking at us puzzled.

Wylan followed my gaze and turned to them, slightly. “Just a mishap. We’re fine.” He acknowledged with a wave of his hand. I let out a sigh of relief as they left the room to return to their posts.

“First time using a record player?” He asked to continue teasing

I gave him a deadpan look. “Ha-ha I take that the last person who played it had some hearing problems.” Before I crouched to pick up the rest of the vinyl records still scattered on the carpeted floor, I noticed a smile tugging at his lips that didn’t last.

In a minute he was bending in front of me to help. “You picked some good ones.”

Suddenly we looked at each other for a second, I narrowed my eyes suspiciously at his for a second trying to figure any sign of sarcasm in them, and he just had the word “awkward” written all over his face. Obviously I was making him feel uncomfortable.

I would have laughed if I hadn’t been so busy trying to read him.

“I like classics- acoustic to be precise.” I finally said with a shrug. “Do you own any of these?”

“This John Mayer one is mine. I have some other ones too. They’re over there.” He gestured to the rack behind me, then stood up with the vinyls he helped pick up.

I raised my eyebrow and nodded approvingly. “You have some taste, I will give you that.” I looked up at him, waiting for him to offer his hand for me to help me stand, but apparently living in a castle was no guarantee of anything, so I just stood up slowly, brushing my dress.

“Some were gifts I grew to love.” He acknowledged, holding the vinyls out for me. “I’d recommend keeping the volume down before you turn it on next time.”

I took the discs to put them back in its place on the shelves “Well, you should put a sign somewhere,” I joked, a bit annoyed by his recommendation.

I adjusted my glasses and stayed standing there, admiring the vinyl records once more. My curious mind wondered about the Prince. “Which ones are Arin’s?”

“I’m not sure. He might not own any.” I caught him glancing at his things he had left on the table before back to me. “Might be a good question to ask him yourself.”

Or you’re just evading the question. But fortunately, one of the things my job had teached me was to have thick skin so I wasn’t going to let him get away so easily.

“You really don’t know or you don’t want to tell me?” I asked with an amusing tone.

He let out a small sigh, relenting a bit. “He likes The Killers. There’s probably a vinyl or two of those in here if you really need a good conversation starter.”

I faked a grimace “ugh! that piece of information should’ve hurt…” I said mockingly before adding. “I guess some advice for tomorrow’s interview is completely out of the table.”

“Depends on what advice you’re looking for,” he let out, surprising me.

I started to walk around the room still looking at him, considering my answer. “I don’t know, you are his friend... knowing a little bit about his personality would help,” I said casually, as if I didn’t already have thousands of questions listed in my head.

But somehow he knew I did. “I’ll answer one question you have. Just one.”

“So generous …” I said more to myself than to him. My hand went unconsciously inside the pocket on my dress and my fingers touched my journal inside of it, purely out of habit. Of course, I wasn’t going to take it out so I crossed my hands in front of me as I resumed my walking around the room.

“Okay…” In my mind I was looking for a single question that could indirectly tell me things about Arins personality … and why not about Mr. Uncomfortable himself too.

“How do you start getting along back in college, like how did you become friends?”

Suddenly he let out a laugh, startling me. I frowned at first, but then I decided it wasn’t so bad, it picked my curiousness further.

I looked at him genuinely amused and he begined, “We were both going for runs and without knowing, I drifted a little too close. I was listening to music and not paying attention. His bodyguard sort of…” He paused to bring his fist to his neck simulating a punch. “And took me down.” I could see he was amused, for real.

I laughed picturing the scene on my mind, considering all his previous teasing and had to admit it was a little bit entertaining to do so. “Ouch! His bodyguard does look ... fierce.” I commented remembering the man’s complexion I had seen several times on TV.

I wait for him to continue before asking, “what happened next? What did Arin say?”

His smile was more like a ghost on his face now, not physically there but somehow still present. “He apologized. After that we found out we shared a couple classes together and I offered to help him study for exams.”

“That’s an epic story… I bet it left you marked for some days.” I made a grimace, touching my neck, imagining the pain.

“Swallowing hurt, to say the least,” he said, remembering. After a minute, he combed a hand through his hair. “ Did that satisfy your question?”

“Hmm yeah, it was good, for now” I answered scoffing a laugh. The truth was I didn’t expect to enjoy his story that much, but I just couldn’t settle with only one question, but it wasn’t convenient to push more questions on him now.

Fortunately he didn’t refuse, he just rolled his eyes at me, amused. “Alright, well I have to get back to work. At least try to not deafen the entire palace again.”

“I can’t promise anything.” I let out, finally taking the acoustic guitar from its stand, while he turned to gather his things.

“Reassuring.” He gave me a side glance and started walking out the room, he offered a two fingered salute before disappearing behind the opened door.

After a second, while looking down at the guitar already in place on my lap, I compelled, “Wylan... thanks!”

“You're welcome.”

I heard him say from the hallway just before I started strumming the guitar strings, hoping its sound was enough to help me survive the first night.

#OC 6 #PC part 2 #Reggie Wright #Wylan Caldwell #((thanks again to Cassey for reading and giving me some perspective ))

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emjenenla · 7 years ago

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If You’re Gone, Maybe It’s Time to Come Home Part Four [a SoC Fanfiction]

Part One | Part Two | Part Three | Part Four

Part Four

(Kaz)

(26)

When Kaz wakes up, he’s no longer curled around his pillow. The pillow is in fact under his head in its proper place, supporting his admittedly sore neck. He’s still clutching something, however. It’s soft and silky and a little foreign. Kaz isn’t sure how he got it, though he does have vague memories of someone taking the pillow away.

He opens his eyes and realizes the thing he’s holding is a stuffed bear, like the kind that small children carry. He stares at it in muted shock, trying to figure out where it came from.

“I thought you might want something other than your pillow to cuddle with,” a familiar voice says.

Kaz jolts upright and whirls to face the voice. Inej is standing in the doorway of his bedroom watching him.

“When did you get here?” Kaz asks caught somewhere between panic and confusion. He can’t figure out why she’s here. She isn’t due to be in Ketterdam for a few more days, is she? Not to mention that he doesn’t understand why she’d be in his rooms even if she had arrived early.

“Yesterday morning,” Inej said. “When you didn’t show up at the party last night I was worried and came looking for you.”

The party had been last night? Kaz wonders how long he’s been holed up in this room. Unfortunately, now that he knows when Inej arrived in Ketterdam he has to face the more confusing question, “Why did you come looking for me? I thought you didn’t want to see me anymore.”

Inej’s face goes slack with shock, she stares at him like she’s never seen him before. “Kaz, when did I ever say that?”

“You-You-” Kaz’s eyes dart around the room as he tries to think of the right answer. Normally this would come easily to him, but today he can barely think about anything. “You were angry,” he says quietly. He sounds pathetic and hates himself for it. “I thought that you-” he trails off unable to force the rest of the sentence over his lips.

Inej stares at him in shock. “I didn’t mean it like that,” she says.

He looks away. He doesn’t trust people. He hasn’t since Pekka Rollins destroyed his life. He wishes that he could say that Inej is the exception to that, but it seems that she’s actually not.

“Kaz,” He glances up. Inej has crossed the room and is standing over him. She doesn’t touch him, but it looks like she wants to. “I swear I didn’t mean it like that.”

He nods. It’s all he can do.

(27)

“Are you hungry?” Inej asks after the silence between them has dragged on for far too long.

Kaz shrugs.

“You should eat something,” Inej says in a brisk, leader’s voice she didn’t have before she ran off to become a pirate. “You’ll feel better with something in your stomach.”

Kaz highly doubts that, but he doesn’t feel like trying to argue with her. “Okay.”

Inej leaves the room looking weirdly like she’s moving with brisk purpose and running for her life at the same time. Kaz lies back down and hugs the bear again even though needing comfort from anything, especially something made of fabric and stuffing, is weak and shameful.

Inej comes back after a few minutes with two bowls of something in her hands. She holds one out to him, hand thoughtfully positioned so he can take the bowl without risking their fingers touching. “Here,” she says. “It’s one of my mother’s recipes.”

Kaz sits up, carefully takes the bowl and looks down at it. He’s eaten precious little Suli food in his life because there are not many restaurants or food carts in Ketterdam that sell it. While she was his spider, whenever Inej wanted Suli food she’d run off on her own without inviting him, so he figured it was an experience he wasn’t allowed to share in. Honestly, he didn’t know she could cook, though she’s so terrifyingly formidable in everything else he probably shouldn’t be surprised.

He takes a bite and it’s not bad, which if you control for his utter lack of appetite means it's probably pretty amazing. “Thank you,” he says and he’s not sure if he’s thanking her for the food or for simply existing and coming back to him after everything he’s ever done wrong.

(28)

“Why didn’t you go to Jesper and Wylan’s party?” Inej asks when she finishes eating.

Kaz stares down at the half-full bowl in his hands. “Didn’t feel like it,” he says.

“Kaz...” she says. “I read that letter you wrote. The one that was lying on the floor.”

He cringes and looks away. “You weren’t supposed to see that.”

“Why?” Inej asks. “Why wasn’t I supposed to see that? Because it was honest? Because it was vulnerable? Because it was something other than the Dirtyhands mask?”

Kaz can’t look at her, he bites into his lip until he tastes blood. “Because I don’t want you to leave,” he says.

There’s a stunned pause, then Inej pads over and kneels on the floor next to the bed, directly in his line of sight. “Kaz,” she says looking up into his face, “why would I leave if you told me you felt like that?”

“I-I-” Kaz struggles to find the words to explain. “You told me that you would have me without armor or not at all. I can’t do that. I’ve tried, but I can’t. It just keeps getting worse and worse and worse.”

“You have to give it time,” Inej says. “It won’t get better all at once.”

“No, you don’t understand!” Kaz snaps, suddenly angry. He’s on his feet and halfway across the room before he realizes he’s decided to move. “You think I’ve never tried to get over this before? I’ve turned every other weakness I have into something useful; you think I didn’t try to do the same with this? But it’s never gotten better! It’s never going to get better!” His face screws up into something that he at first thinks is a snarl, but his vision is blurring over, and his cheeks are wet and he realizes he’s crying again.

Normally--though admittedly this situation would never happen normally--this would be when he drives Inej out of his rooms until he has better control of himself. However, today he’s more afraid of her never coming back than he is of her seeing him disgusting and weak, so he doesn’t say anything. He just staggers backwards until his back hits the wall and slides down to huddle in the corner, his knees drawn up and arms wrapped around himself.

He’s vaguely aware of Inej gaping at him from the other side of the room. He can imagine her struggling to figure out how to comfort someone she can’t touch. He almost expects her to just leave him to cry himself out, then the floorboards creak as she makes her careful way over to him. She sits down against the wall a handful of feet distant and holds the stuffed bear out to him. He takes it almost without thinking and buries his face in its soft fur.

For a while the only sound is his own soft sobs, then Inej says, so quietly he almost doesn’t hear it, “I’m sorry, Kaz. I’m so, so sorry.”

(29)

“Thank you for the bear,” he says a long while later, awkwardly stroking the toy’s soft ears in a sentimental way that would have humiliated him if he had any energy to spare. His eyes are puffy, his head aches and his nose is stuffed with snot. He’s decided that he hates crying and wishes that he’d never regained the ability to do it.

“Have you ever had one?” Inej asks.

She speaks casually, but it’s still a loaded question, one Kaz normally wouldn’t answer. Perhaps it’s his current emotional state, perhaps it’s because he feels like he owes her for coming back, but today his response is a little different. “Yes,” he says. “Not a store bought one, though; we were too poor for that. My mom made one for me out of old socks or something. I left it behind when Jordie and I came to Ketterdam.”

There’s a pause while Inej absorbs the information. “You weren’t actually born in Ketterdam?” she finally asks.

He starts, realizing that he gave away more information than he intended. He almost snaps at her not to overstep her boundaries, but then sighs and shakes his head. “No.”

He waits tensely for Inej to take advantage of him and to force him to talk about things that he doesn’t want to, but she doesn’t. She just sits quietly and looks at him with an expression of understanding. For a second, he’s confused then he realizes that of course Inej understands why he lies about being from Ketterdam. She’s from Ravka, she knows all too well the kind of pushback people who come to the Barrel from other places receive from people who were born there. Of course, she understands why it was conducive to Kaz’s plans to pretend to be a Barrel rat, especially since no one would have been able to confirm his claims anyway.

A slight bit of the heaviness in his chest vanishes as it sinks in that Inej understands and that she’s not going to use his weakness against him.

“Thank you for telling me that,” Inej says, very calmly and very respectfully. As he looks at her he feels one corner of his mouth lift into a tiny smile, and Inej gives him a small smile in return.

(30)

“Thank you,” he says, after a long but comfortable silence. “For coming back.”

She looks at him, steadily and seriously. “I will always come back. Hunting slavers matters to me, but you do too. No matter where in the world I am, no matter what I’m doing, if you need me I will come,” she says. “I promise.”

He almost starts crying again but holds the tears back by sheer will. Hopefully his normal emotionless state will come back when all of this is over, this is just humiliating. “Thank you,” he whispers.

“But you need to promise me something in return,” Inej says, and Kaz looks away, of course she wants something; everyone always does.

“Kaz, look at me,” Inej says. He lifts his head to make eye contact. She leans forward slightly, eyes dark and earnest. “Kaz, you need to promise that if you need me, you’ll actually tell me. I can’t read your mind, and I’ll feel a million times better when I’m off on the high seas if I know that you’ll actually write me and say, ‘Inej, I need you to come home and be with me’ instead of just letting yourself go under.” she pauses for a moment to let her request sink in then says, “Can you do that for me?”

“I can,” Kaz says. “I promise.”

A look of relief crosses Inej’s face. “Thank you,” she breathes.

“I love you,” the words are out of Kaz’s mouth before he even considers saying them. He jerks back in surprise. Deep down inside, he has known that he is in love with her since he almost drowned during the Ice Court job, but he has never considered actually telling her.

Inej looks shocked, and Kaz tries to backpedal. “I-I didn’t mean to-” he can’t think. He doesn’t know what to say. “I just-”

“Kaz,” Inej cuts in. He stops and sucks in a shaky breath, staring at her. She reaches out and gently takes his gloved hands. She squeezes them hard, looks straight into his eyes and says, “I love you too.”

(31)

Neither of them really says anything after that confession. They just sit quietly together holding hands for a long, long time. Eventually Kaz must doze off, because when he wakes up its dark. He’s lying with his torso parallel to the wall, legs bent up towards his chest, and a blanket covering him. Inej is curled up on the floor as well with another blanket wrapped around her. In all their years of working together, this is the closest they have ever slept; she is close enough to touch.

One of Inej’s hands pokes out from under her blanket. Kaz snakes one arm out from his blanket and stretches across the space between them. He touches her wrist with the very tips of his fingers just to prove that she is there and that he can touch her. He’s not sure if she feels him, but she shifts slightly and sighs. He smiles, draws his hand back into his cocoon of blankets, then tucks his head down and goes back to sleep.

(32)

The next day, after they finally wake up in the late morning Inej forces him to wash and dress and eat something. Then they climb through the window of his room and travel a couple blocks by rooftop. Then they climb down and approach the Slat again on foot.

Everyone looks up when they step through the door. Anika sees him and practically melts into the floor with relief. “Boss,” she says in a tone of voice that suggests that she might be attempting to conceal her emotion and just failing miserably. “Nice to see you again.”

“Anika,” Kaz says with a nod. Out of the corner of his eye he sees Espen attempting to hide behind Roeder and isn’t even surprised that the kid’s still around.

“Where’ve you been, Brekker?” Teapot asks stepping into Kaz’s space in a way that is vaguely threatening. Kaz knows where this is going and the thought of exerting his dominance is exhausting.

Kaz shrugs and hopes he looks normal. “Around,” he says. “I had something to take care of.” Let them figure out what he means by that, because he definitely doesn’t know.

“Really?” Teapot leans in even closer, until Kaz can smell his breath and his skin crawls like it’s covered in live spiders. “And was it something that was at least a little helpful to this gang?”

Kaz feels Inej tense next to him. She can tell he’s tired and is ready to deal with the situation for him. The thought is tempting, but he can’t let her do it. It would only make things worse in the long run. He stops her with a barely perceptible gesture, then flicks a knife out of his sleeve and stabs it into Teapot’s shoulder.

Teapot cries out in surprise, and Kaz twists the knife, driving Teapot to his knees. Kaz leans over the bigger boy, teeth bared. “I forgave you for that night with Per Haskell, Teapot,” he snarls. “Don’t make me rethink that.” Teapot looks like he’s going to wet himself.

Kaz holds him like that for another second or two then straightens up and yanks the knife out of Teapot’s shoulder. Teapot crumbles to curl up in the fetal position on the floor. Kaz steps over him and heads for the downstairs office. Inej follows without a word.

Kaz gets to the door and pulls out his keys to unlock the door. His hands are steady and that shocks him because he feels like he should be shaking. He unlocks the door and pulls it open. The instant before he heads inside he glances back at the rest of the room, which is staring wide eyed. “Also, I know you’re here, Espen,” he says. “I’m not blind.” Then he heads into the office.

(33)

Once the office door closes behind them, Kaz crosses the room in a couple strides and tosses the knife onto the desk, not caring if he gets blood on the couple inches of paperwork that cover it like snow drifts. He sinks into the big chair behind the desk and leans his head back. He closes his eyes and sighs.

“Are you okay?” Inej asks quietly.

He shrugs.

After a moment, Inej crosses the room on careful feet. He opens his eyes to watch her move some of the papers and hitch herself up onto the desk. She picks up the knife and begins to clean it, which is a bit unusual because she always makes him clean his own knives.

They sit in silence for several minutes, the someone knocks on the door. Kaz attempts to sit up straighter and look alert. “Come in,” he calls.

Anika pushes the door open and steps inside. She closes the door tightly behind her before she says anything. “Can I talk to you for a moment, Boss?” she asks.

“Sure,” Kaz says.

Anika’s eyes cut to Inej. “Alone, please, Boss.”

Inej tenses, her fingers tightening around the hilt of the knife.

“Okay,” Kaz says and glances up at Inej. “I’ll be fine.”

“I’ll be right outside if you need me,” Inej says. She hops off the desk, hands him the knife and leaves the office.

Kaz watches her go then turns his attention to Anika. “Yes?” he asks.

“I just…” Anika looks like she has no idea what to say. “I wanted to make sure you were okay. You vanished pretty suddenly.”

“I’m fine,” Kaz says. He wants to sound angry, but he’s pretty sure it just comes out as tired.

“Where were you?” Anika pushes.

“None of your business.”

“I think it is,” she says jutting out her chin. “I’m your most trusted lieutenant.”

“And I’m perfectly capable of killing you and replacing you with someone else.”

Anika sighs and looks away. “Okay, Boss. You don’t trust me, I get it; but that’s not something you need to be worried about.”

“And why’s that?” Kaz asks.

“I don’t want to be general,” Anika says in a rush, like this is something she’s been waiting to get off her chest. “I have no aspirations for your job and I never will, but I will fight alongside you and kill anyone who tries to take the Dregs from you. You have my word.”

Kaz can’t completely keep from recoiling in surprise. He didn’t expect that sentiment from anyone in the Dregs and didn’t expect anyone to announce it either. “How do I know you’re telling the truth and not just trying to get me to let my guard down?” he asks.

“I’m telling the truth,” Anika says, which isn’t really an answer. Her gaze is steady and earnest, though, and against his better judgement Kaz finds that he believes her. Perhaps he really is just desperate for someone other than Inej who isn’t going to stab him in the back.

“Your feelings are noted,” he says before he loses his precarious control of both the situation and himself. “Now get out.”

The smile Anika gives him is actually fond and its terrifying. “As you wish, Boss.”

(34)

He and Inej spend the rest of the day holed up in his office attempting to work through the vast stacks of paperwork he’s been neglecting. Inej understands how to do a surprising amount of it even though he’s never invested the time in teaching her. He supposes that being the captain of a pirate ship isn’t all boarding ships on the high seas.

When the sun starts to go down, Inej decides that they’re going to see Jesper and Wylan. Kaz tries to argue, but Inej refuses to be swayed. It shouldn’t be possible to drag someone without touching them, but somehow, she manages it.

Its fully dark by the time they get to the Van Eck mansion. They go up to the front door and Inej rings the bell. It feels bizarre to be entering the house legitimately instead of sneaking in through a window.

Evidently, Inej didn’t think to warn Jesper and Wylan that she was bringing the Bastard of the Barrel for a visit, because Jesper looks genuinely shocked when he opens the door. He looks Kaz up and down, and his face sours with worry. “You’ve lost weight,” he says. “Have you been sick?”

“I’m fine,” Kaz growls.

“You’re sure? You look kind of-”

“Jesper,” Inej says quellingly. Kaz glares at her; she doesn’t need to fight his battles for him.

Jesper takes obvious note of the exchange. “Maybe you two should come in instead of standing there on the step,” he says. “Strictly speaking, the neighbors don’t know we’re friends with members of Barrel gangs. Someone called the stadwatch on our party, thinking it was some kind of riot.”

“Maybe it was a good thing I left then,” Inej says with a small smile. Kaz realizes that she left the party to go looking for him when he was just hiding in his room being pathetic. The thought makes him feel uncharacteristically guilty.

(35)

They end up setting up shop in the parlor with tea and coffee. Wylan starts rambling about new explosives he’s developing, which is shocking because Kaz had assumed that Wylan was done with breaking the law after the Ice Court job.

Eventually, Jesper and Inej get up and wander out of the room to see about getting some actual food. Kaz has mostly tuned Wylan out, so it takes him a moment to notice when the merchling stops talking.

“What?” he asks, raising an eyebrow.

“You’re not okay,” Wylan says. “Don’t try to argue with me; it’s obvious, and I think I might understand why.”

“Why?” Kaz asks mostly to get the conversation over with.

“Jesper once told me that nothing stops you,” Wylan said. “He said that if you need to do something you’ll keep going until the job is done or you die, whichever happens first. He was right, wasn’t he? And you don’t deal with emotional stuff either, do you? Whenever something bothers you, you just keep going and pretending its not there until you can’t anymore, and once that happens you don’t know how to make it better.”

He’s surprisingly right and Kaz doesn’t know how to respond.

Wylan takes a deep breath. “I’m not a hundred percent sure where I’m going with this, but I guess what I’m trying to say is that that’s really not a good idea, and I think you know it. I think you know that things need to change, and I want you to know that Jesper and I are always here, and we’d like it if you stopped pretending we don’t like you.”

Normally Kaz would say something biting to maintain face, but tonight he just looks at Wylan for a minute, then says, “Thank you.”

(36)

He and Wylan sit quietly for a minute, then Wylan says. “I’m glad you showed up here tonight, Kaz, I have something I’ve been wanting to ask you something.”

“What do you need?” Kaz asks, and belatedly realizes that he sounds extremely unenthusiastic, he winces and tries to backpedal. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it like that.”

“You should never apologize,” Wylan says. “It doesn’t suit you.”

Kaz snorts in spite of himself. “I’ll keep that in mind,” he says. “What did you want to ask?”

“Maybe I should wait until you’re feeling better,” Wylan says.

“I’m not sick,” Kaz snaps before the merchling can get any ideas about thinking he’s vulnerable, regardless of whether or not he actually is. “Ask.”

Wylan frowns and for a second Kaz thinks he’s not going to ask anyway, then he says, “I want to join the Dregs.”

It takes a second for Kaz to comprehend what he’s asking. “What?”

“I want to join the Dregs officially,” Wylan says. “Tattoo and everything.”

Kaz doesn’t have a clue how to deal with this, this is something he’s never considered before even in passing. “Have you talked to Jesper about this?” he asks because it’s the only thing he can think of to say.

Wylan’s face pinches. “This is about me and no one else.”

Kaz sighs. “You know, that’s not going to make the Dregs like you more,” he says. “They’re still going to see you as a mercher no matter what you do. Not to mention if the other merchers figure out about it, you’ll never be able to do legitimate business again.”

“If you don’t want me to join up, Kaz, just say it,” Wylan says tightly.

“I don’t want you to join without knowing what you’re getting into,” Kaz says, a little unsure about why he’s putting up a fight. Why does it matter if Wylan is deluding himself? Wouldn’t it actually be better for Kaz if Wylan was a member of the Dregs? It would give him more leverage over him.

“I’ve thought about all that already,” Wylan said. “I don’t care. I already went to the Ice Court and back with you. I’m already tied to the Dregs, I just want it to be official.”

Kaz studies Wylan while the merchling stares earnestly back at him. He realizes with some uncomfortable surprise that this is the same thing as Anika did this afternoon. This is Wylan declaring his solidarity, and Kaz isn’t sure how to do deal with it.

He looks away and clears his throat. “Alright,” he says. “If that’s what you want. I’ll find a tattoo artist we can trust to stay quiet—this is probably something that should stay on the downlow—and we’ll get you sworn in.”

(37)

Inej sticks close in the days and weeks that follow. She forces him to eat and change and helps him do his work. He soaks up her attention and he hates himself for it.

“I got Matthias killed,” he says to Inej one day when they’re in his office doing paperwork.

After years of this kind of arrangement, he knows that she’s used to the way their conversation tends to fade in and out of existence in these moments, but obviously that wasn’t something she was expecting him to say. She starts, nearly dropping her knife, and stares at him. “What do you mean?” she asks.

“I lead him to his death,” Kaz says. It hurts to say it, but somehow it also feels good to get it off his chest. “I knew that the chances that nothing bad would happen to him, me or Kuwei during that auction scheme were astronomical, I should have made sure he was more aware of that.”

There’s a long pause while Inej thinks about what to say, then she takes a deep breath and says, “Perhaps you have a point, but Matthias got out of the church and to the hospital just fine. He only met the person who killed him after he went off alone and deviated from the plan. That’s not your fault. Besides, he knew the risks of the scheme. We all did. None of us needed you to tell us that chances were we might not all make it out.”

“He was still my responsibility,” Kaz says. “You all were.” That’s something he would never say to anyone but Inej.

“That’s the curse of being a leader,” she says. He can tell that after her time as captain of The Wraith she knows exactly how he feels. “Sometimes bad things happen to the people you’re in charge of, and you have to figure out how to live with it afterwards.”

They sit in silence for a long, long time after that.

(38)

Several weeks late, the water laps up against the docks of Fifth Harbor and the moon shines down as Kaz and Inej walk along the docks on their way back to the Barrel after a night of spying. The scent of the harbor and ashes washes over them. Kaz tries to push away the memory of the Reaper’s Barge, but Inej is humming softly her face lifted to the wind. She misses the sea.

“You know, you don’t have to stay here with me,” He forces the words out before he can think better of it. “I bought you that ship for a reason.”

“I want to make sure you’re okay,” She says. “I won’t abandon you again.”

“By staying here with me you’re abandoning a lot of slaves,” Kaz points out.

“I don’t want to leave unless I’m sure you’re going to be here when you get back,” Inej says.

At that moment, Kaz realizes just how worried she’s been. The thought hurts because he never meant to burden her. “As long as I know you’re going to be back, I’ll be fine,” he says.

Inej studies his face for a long moment. “What bothers me, Kaz, is that you didn’t tell anyone that something was wrong,” she says quietly. “Okay, so you were worried that I was angry at you, but it bothers me that when the thing you most desperately needed was not to be alone—don’t argue with me, we both know that’s true—that you still didn’t seek anyone out.”

Kaz isn’t sure how to answer that.

“I know you don’t trust anyone,” Inej says, “but you can trust Jesper and Wylan. I think you know that.”

“They’re your friends and not mine,” he says a little tightly.

“They’re your friends too,” Inej says sharply. “They will both bend over backwards for you. Jesper made me promise to make sure that you come back to visit. He’s really worried about you.”

“Inej-” he begins.

“Kaz,” she stops him. “I’m not enough to just fix all your problems. You can’t base your mental health on whether or not I’m around. You need to find a way to make sure that you’ll be okay no matter where I am.”

“Inej, I’m not trying to keep you here,” Kaz says. “You can leave if you want.”

“That’s not what I’m talking about,” Inej says. “I want to know that you’ll be okay no matter what happens. I want you to promise that you’ll hang out with Jesper and Wylan and I want you to promise that you’ll be honest about how you feel. Can you promise me that?”

Kaz stares at her for a minute, then he nods, “I promise.”

(39)

When she eventually does decide to leave again, she and Kaz spend a long, long time standing on the dock staring out at the water.

“Write me,” Inej finally says. “And I don’t just mean with information. Tell me what’s going on, how you’re feeling. If you ever end up with a letter like that one again, I want you to send it this time.”

“If you’ll do the same,” Kaz says.

“I will,” she says. “Also, tell me how Wylan’s initiation goes. Has he told Jesper yet?”

“I have no idea,” Kaz says. “But I have no intention of being anywhere in the vicinity when that conversation takes place.”

They both laugh, then fade back into silence until one of Inej’s crewmembers yells to her that they need to get going before the tides turn against them. She takes a deep breath and turns to him. “Are you going to be okay?” she asks for what has to be the hundredth time in the last few days.

“I’ll be fine,” Kaz says and he means it this time. “Go save your slaves, I’ll be waiting right here when you get back.”

“I will always come back,” she promises.

“I know,” he says. “I love you.”

She takes his hands and squeezes hard. “I love you too.” She doesn’t try to kiss him, and that’s okay; they don’t need to do that right now. Maybe they will someday; but they know they love each other, they don’t need to kiss to prove it.

(40)

When the moment is over, she lets go and leaves. Months later she comes back, and comes back again, and again, and again, and again, over and over throughout the years. She comes back in spite of storms, and slaver plots, and heists and gang wars, and in spite of those storms, and slaver plots, and heists and gang wars Kaz is always there waiting, because that is what they do.

They never stop fighting.

Well, there’s the end of that. I hope the ending does the rest of the story justice, I was stressing about how to make this Kanej without falling into problematic mental health story stereotypes. Hopefully, I succeeded because I really don’t want to be flamed.

This story might not have ended quite the way people wanted from a romantic standpoint, either. That’s probably because I see the trajectory of Kaz and Inej’s relationship post-CK differently than most people I see writing fanfics about them seem to. I might write a post about that, anyone interested if I do?

Anyway, thank you for sticking with my snail’s pace update speed since last August. I might write more SoC in the future, we’ll see what happens.

Thanks again!

Emjen

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