#writing it straight feels pretty fucking bad also but whatever. i know what i am

[canonkiller]

I can't draw right so I'm writing it out instead, painfully verbatim. I don't know how to convey this grief. It's a rotting inertia. It's disgusting. There's a film of old sweat and blood in me and I reek of it, unfailingly. I want it dead. I want it out of me and it's impossible for it to be, it's as much a part of me as my heart, my lungs, my teeth, my eyes, I want to be freed of the obligation of it without it being mine to kill. I want to be told it's a cancer, it's an infection, it's something that should be purged out and scrubbed clean and oh, darling, you bore that for so long and hurt so much and we're sorry, and that's not going to come. I can't even kill it in metaphor. I think of strangling that fucking snake and I can't keep my grip tight; even imagined my strength gives out and I resign myself to holding on to it, to cradling this hopeless dying thing, and I hate it. I hate that I have compassion for it. I know that it's still me, this monstrous corruption other people shouldn't have to touch. I hate that I can't even bring myself to be truly self destructive. It would be easier if I wanted to die, but I pull back every time. I flinch from it. I want to live and I hate that I do. I want to envision a future and I hate that I do. I hate that I can be hopeful because I am just so unbelievably tired. I'm 27 and I've never been on a date. I've spent time with friends in person six times since dropping out of high school, and that's rounding up. That's not just going out and doing things, that's seeing them at all. I don't know how to bear being this alone and I bear it anyway because I can't do anything about it, not here, and I can't get out of here either. I just don't know what I'm supposed to do.

[breeyn]

An essay rebutting the “bad writing” claims of s2 ofmd. Spoilers herein.

I’ll preface this with saying you’re obviously allowed to like and dislike whatever you want. I am in no way opposing that. And your reasons are your reasons. Have at. (Also - this is a collection of observations from the past few days, I’m not calling anyone out)

I AM going to rebut the idea that season two was poorly written and lost the spirit of what the show is about.

My favourite movie of all time is Empire Strikes Back. It’s been my favourite movie since I was four. I’m pretty sure it’s a fave of David Jenkins, too. He and Taika have made absolutely no attempt to hide their love of all things 80’s - Prince, the Princess Bride, Kate Bush, Star Wars, etc.

I have ancient video tapes (that I can’t play because who has a vcr) where Lucas is interviewed by Leonard Maltin? Malkin? I dunno. Who cares. Maltin asks him about the Star Wars (original trilogy) story arc. Lucas says “in act I, you introduce all the characters. In act II, you put them in a situation they can’t get out of, and in act III, they get out of it.”

That’s how it works. This is how stories and literary structures work.

Of course you’re not satisfied with season two. You’re not supposed to be.

The arguments I have read on why s2 loses the spirit of s1 is because no one heals. No one learns anything. No one moves forward properly. The person who makes the biggest move towards healing dies. The two main characters end the show doing the exact fucking thing they had promised themselves and each other they wouldn’t do. Our romantic lead still doesn’t understand his value or make any headway on addressing his tragic flaw. It makes no goddamn sense.

My gremlins in weird: it’s not supposed to. In Act 2, EVERYONE LOSES. This is how it goes.

I’ve read a lot of people saying “but this felt like a series finale, not a season finale.” We all know that outside politics play a part here, the strikes make everything precarious. I remember the last writers strike. It destroyed tv for fifteen years. Anyone remember Pushing Daisies? Some of y’all have never had your fave show cancelled with zero resolution for the characters and it shows.

Daddy J did us a kindness. He softened the blow of a tough season. After the brutal cliffhanger of s1, he gave us a little softness and hope. All those things you’re mad aren’t resolved? It’s because THE STORY ISN’T OVER.

No one on earth thinks “stuff all your trauma into a box and ignore it” is good advice. A way to actually live. This show did not have enough screen time to throw out dialogue for no reason. There was foreshadowing in s1 for s2, and there is foreshadowing for s3 in s2. This is a well-crafted story by very smart people who care very much for these characters. There is zero chance Frenchie explained the box in his head for no reason. The reason people have not resolved their trauma and growth is because they haven’t done it *yet*.

And friends - it’s not thinly veiled. They straight up fucking tell us what they’re doing.

Luke Skywalker spends the first two movies fucking up and desperately trying to prove himself and just generally being an idiot. Sound familiar? He ignores the lessons he is supposed to be learning to go off and do what he feels like doing, and loses fucking badly. At the end of Empire, Han is gone, Luke and Leia wave goodbye to the Falcon that has Lando and Chewy - the rest of their crew - aboard. Everyone has lost everything they care about. Vader is undefeated. Yoda is pissed. Nothing is resolved.

You see where I’m going?

If you think I’m stretching this too far, welp, when Ed tells Stede he loves him - the climax of the finale - Stede quotes Han fucking Solo. Like - *it’s right there*. The story structure. The reason everything is unresolved.

So yeah. They wave goodbye to their ship because they have wounds to heal (like Luke’s hand). The people aboard the ship have things to find. Ed and Stede have *not* learned their lesson about whims and how not to be like Anne and Mary. It’s not stupid that they’re doing the same thing, and it’s not pointless that we were shown Anne and Mary. It’s all relevant.

The resolution comes in Act 3. None of these people are done. The story is far, far from over. And just in case the studios want to be dicks about it, David Jenkins was lovely enough to not repeat my enduring heartbreak over Pushing Daisies.

Thank you, @davidjenks 🖤

[vigilskeep]

i have never thought of the bg3 paths as railroaded before but oh my god... i see your vision. i think that, for all that can be picked apart in the writing of dragon age, the worldbuilding in that series is so so interested in complicating all factions that you can envision a character who /makes sense/ while bouncing through various ideologies. and the sort of fantasy writing in (most of) the forgotten realms doesn't really allow for that.

dao is particularly the light of my life because the origins mechanic is specifically intended to let you create a character who has a distinctive perspective on the world that’s grounded in the worldbuilding. one of my favourite aspects of this is several origins having completely different codex entries on their own culture as opposed to those an outsider would get. it’s really good! it’s also a reasonably grounded world (while obviously silly) because, like, the basic fundamental premise of thedas, from which they ikea flatpack built almost every feature, is “how would people react to magical and fantastical diversity? the same way they react to human diversity.” you’re meant to feel like, aside from i guess the darkspawn, people are normal and have real motivations. sure it has to fulfil certain roles in a story, and dragon age was manufactured too quickly and purposefully for everything to land feeling authentic, but evil in dragon age should feel recognisable. and in most of the origins they give you a chance to do something that is bad, but also totally makes sense, because of the context of your character belonging to this world where these things happen

in dnd/the forgotten realms it’s a bit different because capital e Evil exists, so there are people and deities and devils (and, to open another can of worms, races) whose entire goal is to Do Evil. it’s also harder to produce grounded evil because in a world where i’m being given basically no context and just told to make whatever i want, i don’t have an inch of the kind of social information i get from for example a dao origin: what my character has been taught to believe they should do to survive, who they are willing to sacrifice, whatever. bg3 also happens to have a main plot goal that is, at least for the first part of the game, broadly selfish (“i am sick, and i need a cure”) which works really well for getting a bunch of people with vastly differing moral standards to band together for the same goal, and not so good for any kind of “greater good” type blurred morality, so that’s out too

however much the worldbuilding factors into this, bg3 specifically went for quite a clear distinction between the good path and the capital e Evil Path, and i find it pretty hard to vary up the good path. when i say railroaded i mean you either do the specific thing that gets you a quest down the line or not. i was really disappointed actually in my playthrough where i totally fucked up in the druids’ grove and caused a fight to break out, because it immediately instakilled tons of characters i knew i would need down the line. the few it spared needed some of the dead ones to stay alive in later quests, so it’s like... oh. that’s just... over. for both factions. bg3 arguably lets you do basically anything you want but they are able to do that because if you fuck around it just breaks the entire quest line from coming up again, which means playing a character who fucks up is not even really going to get me consequences it’s just going to cut content from the game. does that make sense? and then the Evil Path is just straight up evil, like... there’s no way for me to complicate and empathise, here, especially playing a blank canvas character whose motivations i would have to make up from nothing, and who faces basically no consequences for not doing this. the only neutral/cowardly/self-interested option in act 1 is to do neither path, which gets me the least content because i literally don’t get to play the fucking game

i don’t know, i’m not saying it’s necessarily bad just that it’s hard for me, personally, and how i like to create characters. especially when you have my constant restart disease and you have to do this all over again a dozen times just for a handful of different dialogue. does any of that make sense

[siriusblacksbxtch]

I'm in love with your dean x male reader smuts- is there any way you could do a pretty extreme dom!dean sub!male reader with any combination (your choice) of the following kinks?: gun play, bondage, choking, knife/blood play, oral fixation, stalking/cnc/kidnapping, religious play, spit sexual fighting (like slapping, punching, etc.) , violence/gore, demon!dean, edging/teasing begging, sub not being able to form words, degrading and praise- and could you include specific terms? like pretty boy, good boy, kitty, slut, bitch, whore, dumb, and easy for the sub and for dean just simple stuff like sir, dean, stuff similar. I'm writing you a book I'm so sorry bjfjd I just have a really hard time finding male reader smut as good as yours that suit my kinks 😭😭 I also love a good sub!dean dom!male reader and the kinks and names I provided earlier would suit a fic like that too!! thank you sm for reading this NOVEL jdjsjs i hope you have a great day- aaaaand if you're not comfortable writing something with such extreme kinks I completely understand, I just thought I'd ask cause I love your work!! xoxo 💞💞💞

A/N: everybody kiss this requester on the mouth I demand it/ I wish I did better but I did what I could! I hope you still like it!

Pairings: Demon!Dean x male!reaader

Warnings: unholy, seriously.

Summary: Demon!Dean had been around for too long, and he looked much too like your boyfriend

You glared across the kitchen at the flannel wearing monster. Oh you hated him. Hated him bad, wearing your beautiful Dean’s face to be an absolute fucking psycho.

Sam had come to terms he’d be sticking around until they found a cure, but you couldn’t stomach it. It made you so goddamned mad.

Like right now in your own home glaring invisible lasers into his head as he sat across from Sam eating food like he was normal.

“(Y/N),” Sam sighed with a conflicted look. “It’s nothing new.”

“Better get used to it, baby boy.” Dean, or not Dean, or whatever— gave you a devilish grin.

“Oh, both of you fuck off. I can’t standing seeing his disgusting ass every second.”

“This disgusting ass can remember some pretty nasty images of you as well.” The demon lowly chuckled as you flushed red, Sam looking down at the table to avoid the conversation.

“Fuck you, psycho.” You rolled your eyes, stomping to your room and slamming the door. You kicked the metal irritably muttering curses under your breath as you pulled off your shirt.

You were hot, nearly feeling as though you were sweating from the interaction. You hated him, god more then you thought you could, walking around with your boyfriends face and just about everything that made him an asshole.

“Let me get this straight—”

“God!” You let out a gasp as you clutched your heart, turning to face the very demon himself.

“Not God,” he smirked. “Just me (Y/N).”

“No shit, what the hell do you want?”

Before you could move for your shirt he stepped closer, walking you back into the wall until your chests were touching.

“What do I want?” Dean laughed, his hot breath hitting your face. “I want to know why you could bend over like a bitch—” His eyes flashed black— “Before I got these babies.”

You swallowed harshly at the words, staring into the abyss of black.

“You used to be so good for me.” He began rubbing at your crotch, you breath hitching in your throat as you tried to look anywhere else.

“You’re not—”

“But I am,” he hissed before you could finish. “I’m still Dean. The Dean who would sleep next to you, fuck you til you cried baby.”

You once again shuttered at the thought, cheeks growing hotter as he continued to palm you through your jeans.

“The one who knows how secretly bad you’ve wanted something like this.”

At that you shoved him back, swinging a fist into his jaw and slamming him into the wall across from you.

He punched you straight back, pushing you onto the bed and swinging his fist again for good measure.

You could taste the blood on your teeth as he grinned down at you, moving his hips down to meet yours as a strangled moan left your lips.

“Quit trying to fight it and be a good boy.”

“Fuck you,” you sighed out.

He backhanded you, grabbing your jaw in a stone clutch, moving so his lips pressed against yours.

“I know how bad you want it, (Y/N). Stop fighting.” With that he pulled back slamming his lips into yours.

You couldn’t help but pull him closer, missing his soft lips and strong build.

As soon as it started it seemed to be over, Dean pulling off your pants and flipping you over before you could even process.

“See how good things go when you’re a good boy?” A strangled gasp left you as his hand slammed down on your ass cheek. He did it once again with enough strength to cause you to move forward. “You just love being my little slut?”

Dean’s low chuckled filled the air along with the sound of his hand coming down on your ass.

“Fuck,” you were struggling not to be a drooling mess at this point, Dean flipping you around again to face him.

“You ready to stop being a little bitch and be a good boy, (Y/N).”

You stared into his black eyes finding what you used to despise all too intriguing as you finally gave a stiff nod.

“No, no,” he chuckled lowly as he ran a hand over your torso. “You are a pretty boy, but your mouth,” he whistled lowly. “We gotta make up for all that ugly talk, baby boy.”

Dean pulled you by your hair, and you let him, shoving you roughly to your knees as he undid his belt.

“Open.” Came the cold voice, much less playful than he had been when he entered your room.

You did so, opening wide as he slid his dick into the back of your throat, a soft sigh escaping as he did so.

“Jesus, slut.” Dean’s moan was like music to your ears, the demon grabbing your hair roughly as he moved you up and down on his dick.

“You act so tough now I get it,” came his devilish laugh, “you’ve been so worked up because I haven’t used you like the dumb whore that you are.”

You moaned around him at this words, his movement suddenly slowing as he pulled you forward and rested his dick down your throat.

“Acting like a whiny bitch when all you wanted was me back in your bed.” Tears and drool began to escape you, struggling to breathe on his dick.

The sight seemed to amuse Dean, you felt his dick growing in your throat as you struggled.

“All you had to not do was be a whiny slut, and instead here you are choking.”

You began to try to pull off, but he held you there a few seconds long before pulling you back into a wet kiss.

“You gonna be a good boy now, (Y/N).”

His black eyes poured into yours and instead of hatred all you felt was desire.

“Yes—”

Dean smacked you hard, pulling you close by the jaw as he bit on your lip and pulled, a hand going to your throat to squeeze roughly.

“Yes, what?”

“Yes, sir.” You breathed shakily. “Please.”

He grinned as he flipped you back onto the bed, hovering over you as your chest rapidly began to rise and fall.

“Please what, pretty boy?”

“Please,” you whined. “Please, fuck me. I’ve wanted it for so long please, Dean.”

His arrogant smile never left his face as he spit into his hand, the other going to squeeze around your neck. Dean shoved his fingers into you, loving the way you squirmed around him, trying to moan but nothing coming out from the force of his hand.

“Cant have Sammy hear us. Can we dumb whore?”

You only tried to moan more as he worked you open, then suddenly without warning he flipped you over and pressed at your entrance.

“You want me to fuck you, baby.”

“Yes sir, please.” You were trembling at this point, wanting nothing more than for him to fuck you into the mattress so hard you couldn’t walk.

“Not very convincing for a needy whore,” he sighed teasingly.

“Please, Dean. I need you to fuck me, please. I need it so bad—”

A low moan escaped you as he suddenly pushed in, grabbing the back of your hair to control his thrusts as he set a fast pace.

Dean’s hand slammed down on your ass once again, a whiny moan escaping you as you felt him stretch you open.

“You gonna be a good boy now, or do I need to remind you who you belong to all the time?”

“A-All the time,” you muttered out between gasps. “Need this all the time.”

Dean laughed grabbing your hips to pull you back even harder as your moans only grew.

“Say you’re my whore,” Dean grunted as his pace began to falter.

“Yours. All yours, Dean. All the time.”

With a final hard thrust, and another smack to your ass, you felt the demon finish deep inside you, as you did on the sheets below.

You were gasping for air, tears of pleasure gathering in the corners of your eyes. You slowly turned to meet Dean, a shit eating grin always seeming to appear on his face.

“What?” You snapped with an angry glare, a flush of embarrassment falling over you.

However, Dean leaned forward pulling you into another warm kiss.

“Been wanting to do that since I got here pretty boy.”

[bisexual-horror-fan]

*lizzo voice* I’ve been waiting for this one! Turn it up! Anyway it took all the power in me not to turn on anon 😩. Honestly these are gonna be pretty broad so you have creative freedom!! I was wondering if I could have a Poly!Ghostface with breeding being a main focal point 👀. If not main I’ll take minor point! Whatever’s easiest! Also it’s amralice I changed my username LOL

Man you requested this thing foreverrr ago, but I finally was in the mood and got to it. I am gonna thank the new Scream movie on the horizon and also the Ghostface call I got. Breeding kink ain’t my kink but damn if it isn’t fun to write! Especially since I shockingly never have with these two! I hope it was worth the wait and that you all enjoy! 

—

Rating. Explicit. Length. 3.1K. Billy Loomis And Stu Macher X AFAB! Reader. Poly!Ghostface. She/Her Pronouns. Warnings: Biting. Vaginal Fingering. Vaginal Sex. Raw Sex. Creampie. Sloppy Seconds. Threat Of Denial. Dub-Con. Breeding Kink. Dirty Talk. Degradation. Praise. Pet Names. Coercion. Gaslighting. Billy And Stu Being Toxic. Riding. Slut Shaming. Reader Blaming. Restrained Reader. Dumbification. Overstimulation. Begging. Crying. Decryphilla. 

—

Throwing Caution To The Wind.

—

You were smart, cautious and careful. 

Normally.

But ever since two particular boys entered your life you find it harder and harder still to keep your head on straight. They could make a suggestion and from anybody else it would be totally outlandish, something you would never even consider entertaining, but when it came from their mouths, well, it just had a funny little habit of making sense. 

So when you were fooling around one night, stretched out underneath Stu, him kissing your neck, teeth grazing. Billy was by your side, hands everywhere when he said your name softly, you hummed in question and he responded, “Feelin’ good?”

A light and breathy laugh, “To say the least.” but you wanted more, so you asked, as nicely as you usually did, sweetness and heat tying the two words in a bow, opting for simplicity, “Fuck me?” 

Billy didn’t sound disappointed or anything, he said it in a very matter of fact way, “Would love to but we’re outta condoms.”

Shit.

You however were disappointed, you totally meant to pick up more but you spaced on it, and true you could get off in other ways. And while hands and mouths and the rest have their very well loved place, that isn’t what you wanted tonight. You thought, turned it over in your mind, they weren’t letting up, still touching you all over, the teasing was too much and you think, “Fuck it.”

You speak, “We…We could still-” That got their attention, Stu’s head rising from your chest, the nipple he had just had between his lips released with a wet pop, “Still?”

Billy leaned in closer, “Yeah, still?”

A nervous look between them both, a bite of your lip before the pulsing need pushing you forward and the words tumbled out, “We still could if you promise to pull out.” 

The look passed between the pair over your form was quick before they looked back to you, “Are you sure?”

You think for a moment maybe you shouldn’t, maybe this was a bad fucking idea, but then Billy’s hand was between your thighs, deft fingers circling your clit through barely there and soaked lace, pleasure sparks inside of you, makes your legs twitch and your breath stutter in response. Stu was as unhelpful as ever as he returned his mouth to giving attention to your chest and before you truly know what you are saying, those two words slip out on an exhale, “I’m sure.” 

“Well if you’re really sure.” Billy hummed.

You were. You could trust them. 

Soon enough you were deep into it with them, all clothes were forgotten as you got on top of Billy, the feel of him warm, his eyes giving away that he was as full of want as you were. One hand on your hip and the other holding himself at the base of his shaft as he lined up, the hot and hard velvety head of his cock poised at your slick hole and in one smooth move of your hips downwards you took him inside. His reaction was amazing, about the same as yours honestly, first there was a sharp inhale at the sudden rush of sensation, a small tense, and a quiet but definitely vocal moan. It felt fantastic, you from the stretch of him and him from the feeling of you, so warm and so wet, and you both from feeling the other raw for the very first time. 

You started to move, began to ride, tentative, easy, bouncing up and down and holy shit, you didn’t know it could feel this good with him bare, if you did, you might have done this sooner. The build of it was quick, Stu was helping, one hand rubbing your clit, sloppy kisses placed on your neck as you reached back behind yourself, your own hand on him, stroking him as you rode Billy. “How’s she feel?”

A breathless laugh, his head thrown back as he confessed, “In-credible.” 

“Oh I bet, M’ already dying for my turn.” The smile on his face was evident from his tone.

You got very, very distracted after that, trying to keep a good rhythm both for yourself and for Stu, a task that got harder and harder as you got closer and closer to your end, the fingers helping you along, refusing to let up. Your head was swimming, ample moans and panting breaths you feel yourself draw close and warn them as such, a broken and weak, “Gon-gonna cum-”

Stu’s fingers stay consistent, your hips are faltering but Billy’s hands are locked on your waist, he helps you move, keep it up, rocking up into you, fucking up as you are slammed down and you know your orgasm is going to be spectacular. It builds and rises and finally peaks, you tip over and cum, eyes slip closed and the moan that breaks out is loud and blissful. 

You are thoroughly pleased and totally distracted, so overcome with feeling that you didn’t, more than that, you couldn’t gather enough mental awareness to notice Billy’s own end that had also crept up. If you weren’t so consumed with getting yourself off you would have noticed the change in his breathing, the pitch of his own moans, and all those little tells you had gotten to know so intimately that would have clued you into him getting so dangerously close. You cumming pushes him over too, plush walls hugging and squeezing him rhythmically, as if your body were silently begging him to do it, to unload inside you and he complies. Your eyes slide back open, brows furrowed in confusion as you are panting, as your own pleasure subsides you feel the flex of him inside and with a few more gentle moves of your hips, directed by him, still gripping you, a rush of warmth and wetness. 

You shouldn’t be this wet, it felt way more slick so suddenly and as you look down at Billy, his own eyes closed in pleasure, bottom lip caught between his teeth, a harsh exhale out of his nose and red flush on his chest it hits you like a ton of fucking bricks. 

In the haze of you cumming you had let go of Stu and he allowed it to happen, you got up, raising up on your knees and sliding him out, a small hiss from him as you do so, followed right after by the now clearly obvious mix of his cum and your wetness pouring out of you and back onto his slowly softening shaft. You reached down, feel your well fucked hole that was steadily leaking, moving back to see all the mess and you look at Billy accusingly, “You said you were gonna pull out!”

There was this much too comfortable smile on his face, a small shrug, glancing at Stu as he said, “Oops. Sorry.”

Stu laughed and you wanted to smack him, “It’s not funny!”

“It’s a little funny.” Stu defended and you ignored him as you asked Billy, “Why did you do that?!”

“Couldn’t help it. I tried to hold it while you were getting yours but it felt way too good.” He said it in a way that was clearly trying to sway you, when you seemed unmoved he spoke again, “C’mon, don’t be mad at me babe. Didn’t it feel good?”

It did. It totally fucking did but- “That’s not the point!”

“So you admit it did feel good.” He said with a wider grin and you pouted arms cross over your chest, “I didn’t say that!”

“Implied it plenty.” Stu said easily, his hands on you, locking onto your waist and you tried to wiggle away, “Stop it! I want you to take this seriously, I told you not to and you totally violated me-”

That got a laugh from them both, Stu saying with a roll of his eyes, “Yeah you seem really violated when you were cumming like that. The sounds you were making? Sounded like you were really being forced.”

“Totally man, sure felt like you hated every second of it when your cunt was fucking milking me.” Billy continued mockingly as he started to sit up, a hand running through his hair and you wanted to protest, make them apologise but Stu was touching you. He hadn’t let you get away, he was laying more affection of your neck and shoulders, one hand sliding between your legs and you tried to fight him of, “Knock it off Stu-”

“Nope.” You felt him, pressed hot and hard to your hip and he said, “I still gotta get off.” 

You wanted to tell him to fuck off, that no way after this would you but Billy was touching you too again, he’d knocked your arms out of the way and he was playing with your nipples, tugging gently as he says, “He was real patient, let him have a turn.”

“N-no, I don’t want to-” You protested weakly, totally unconvincingly, especially as Stu buried his fingers inside you and felt how your body responded, clenching around his fingers. He was murmuring in your ear sarcastically, “Yeah again, feels like you really don’t want this.”

You give in, an attempt at compromise, “Okay, let me blow you-”

A laugh from the pair, a shake of Stu’s head, and Billy pulling more painfully, “Nope, you’re gonna let him fuck you and you’re gonna love it.”

You wanted to whine, sob, beg, but you felt so needy, you did want to feel him, did want him to fuck you and get off again and again but the risk, the danger of it, you shouldn’t-

Billy’s voice cuts through your whirring and worried spiral in your mind, “We’ll buy you a plan B if it makes you feel better.”

It did. It really did. If they did that then there was no point in denying Stu, you could let him use you too, let him cum inside without further worry so you rush out, “Yes, okay, fuck-”

“Awe there you go, good girl.” His fingers are pulled out and you are pushed down, Stu repositions you, forces you into face down ass up and without any more preamble you feel him against your hole and he slips inside. 

He moans long and low, his body covering yours, you feel his chest to your back, his hands on your wrists, holding you down as he bottoms out. He held deep inside for a moment, feeling you with nothing in between, how loose and lubed you were from the previous load dumped into you, he ground his hips against your ass, another groan leaves him as his head pitches forward, resting on the back of your shoulder. He sounded wrecked already but he always was a massive slut for Billy’s sloppy seconds.

You moan too when he fills you, your eyes sliding closed as he starts to move, slowly, begins to fuck you, deep and hard, barely sliding out halfway before shoving back inside. After a few more moans he pulled out of you with no effort he said, “God, you’re so fucking funny, you know that?”

“Hu-huh?” You moaned out and Stu continued, “Thinkin’ that you could let us fuck you raw and we wouldn’t take the chance to cum in you-” A breathless laugh, a shake of his head, then punctuated by the hardest thrust yet and a moan before he continues to verbally degrade you, “-stupid, stupid whore, only thinking with the gash between your legs.”

Instead of angering you, instead of making you feel everything it should, instead it makes you moan, makes you clench down on him again, makes you feel even more heat spark inside of you and arousal wash over your brain. Maybe you were naive and idiotic to think that they would just pull out, maybe this was- “Your fault. This is all your fuckin’ fault.” Stu whispered harsh into your ear as his hips picked up the pace. 

It was, you were warm and wet, sweet and inviting, you really thought that they could feel you, all of you, bare and alive against them and thought what? That they’d be able to resist not finishing in your abused hole that was gripping onto them for dear life? That same hole that was practically beseeching them to do it? 

It was biology you were fighting against too, your mouth said one thing but your body another totally different. Who were you to fault them for listening to millennia of evolution directing them, telling every sense and fiber of their beings, compelling them to cum exactly the place they were supposed to? In your fertile and ready hole, the one you had for this very purpose. 

This was on you and you alone for asking for too much of them. They were only human. 

This was fucked, totally fucked, you were into this, all of it. The danger, the risk, the moral ambiguity and more still. It fuels you.

You moaned incoherently, started to rock back to meet Stu’s thrusts, Billy sitting up in front of you watching as the blonde fucked you harder and harder. “Oh, seems she really does love it.”

“Yeah she does, you do, don’tcha?” He asked and you nodded, panting as you felt the pleasure building again, a furious nod, his hands released your wrists and a hard smack that landed on your ass made you yelp as he demanded, “Say it!”

“I-I do, I lo-o-ove it, fuck, pl-please! Don’t stop Stu!” You begged pathetically, desperate to ease the ache and to cum again. 

“Oh I won’t.” Stu assured around a laugh and Billy hummed, the sound of skin on skin filling the space of the bedroom around him he spoke, “How bad do you think she wants it?”

“I dunno man, shit, feels like she does pretty bad.” He mused in between his own panting breaths, another groan breaking out and Billy let that hang for a moment before posing, “Bad enough that if we told her we wouldn’t get her that little pill she’d still beg you to cum in her raw?”

“Love the way you think.” Stu confessed and with another brutal and unrelenting thrust he asked, “Well?”

Your mind was so hazy, you could barely keep up but you felt some fear curl in your gut as your clit throbbed and your cunt wept, you didn’t want that, did you? Moreover you didn’t think that they did either, a questioning and wavering moan, a stretched out, pitched up, whiney, “Whaaaat?”

A laugh, Stu mocking what you said, stretching out your “what” in the same way and your head falls forward, resting on your forearms as he uses your body. Billy chimed in then again, recovered from his own small laughing fit, “You heard us. If you wanna cum, if you wanna get off, beg for him to breed you.”

You move your head up, slightly, able to look at Billy, he was staring down at you and you could see he was hard again and was jerking off to the view of you and Stu.

When did this happen? Since when did they get into this kink? You had no time nor the higher faculties to think or question, pleasure was rising quickly, you were so fucking close when Stu’s hips stopped with him buried inside of you. His cock pressed to that sweet spot but un-moving, a sob, you can begin to feel the orgasm slip through your fingers and you didn’t think, just let it pour out of your mouth thoughtlessly, “Please, please, please, fill me, God! I nee-need it, fuck-” 

A broken moan into the sheets, again followed by a breathless but still definitely loud enough for them to hear as Stu resumed his previous pace, “Breed me.”

It only took about five more perfectly placed thrusts for you to cum.

Something else was said, something surely degrading and filthy but you couldn’t hear it, your mind went blank as you shuddered under him, sensation radiating out and making your legs almost give out with a wrecked moan. 

This time the come down took longer, especially since Stu didn’t let up, still ruining your hole, only when you were just beginning to come back to yourself and catch your breath did you feel it. Stu holding deep with a groan and now more aware of it, knowing it was going to happen, you focus a tad better, feel him cum inside and it leaks out of you around him, too full to hold the remnants of Billy’s load and Stu’s with him still stuffed inside. 

When he pulls out a moment later, even more of them spills out, down the backs of your thighs and you finally get to lie down, a deep inhale, your limbs feel sore but you feel very relaxed. You could fall asleep right here and you thought you just might until Billy rolls you over, you feel him settle on top of you, between your legs and when he slides in your eyes fly open with a gasp, he didn’t waste time, fucked into you and Stu said, “Told you we could make her beg for it, you owe me five bucks.” 

“Yeah, yeah, I’ll pay you later-” You tried to find your voice to speak up, protest over this new information, that they made some petty bet over this but he changed the angle, ground on your oversensitive clit and it stole all your fight, your argument, along with your breath. Another squeeze of your walls around Billy that he commented on and you had to admit, if only to yourself, this is some of the best sex you had ever had, not just with them but period, and maybe, you should let this go and be thankful for them leveling up your sex life in this way. 

Regardless, something for future you to worry about and deal with, for now, your legs wrap around Billy’s hips, ankles lock behind his lower back, you reach up, pull him tighter by your fingers tangling in his hair and you beg into his sweat slick neck, “Don’t stop.” 

“There you go, what a good slut.” Stu praised and you were rewarded by a strong press of Billy’s lips against yours.

You finish that afternoon with tears down your cheeks, a cunt full of cum and a head full of confusing thoughts, a new kink unlocked thanks to their inability to listen and their overconfidence that they knew your body better than you could ever hope to. 

[fiveht]

i've literally never read wolfstar in my whole life but i DO love me some drarry and i ADORE you. i devoured Disarm You and i truly. In my spirit and in my bones, need to see baby siri in subspace. or something. remus in top!space? possessive? protective? literally feral thinking about keeping sirius under lock and key (and plug) forever?? i am losing my mind here. remus being 6'5???? who do i ask about creating art for this??? tiny ass siri and NBA point guard remus?? and topping all this off with daddy!kink? let's talk about this fic and all your other favorite pairings forever and ever. write me back. love you.

UUUGH their height difference is everything to me. (Sirius is 5'7" btw, don't  @ me)

Okay so, their Christmas is mostly about like, watching movies and taking baths and learning each others' bodies, just touching all the time and having cute, dirty, exciting new relationship type sex, falling into bed together whenever they want because they have like two weeks together and no one to interrupt them.

But, once Christmas is over, I absolutely want to write some stuff that's just straight up PWPs with these two, because honestly PWPs are my thing, like that's my whole fandom existence up until like 6 months ago. And they have so many things to explore together, and baby boy is obviously getting tied up and plugged up and spanked and whatever else the two of them can come up with. Because Remus is the definition of down bad for this boy, like he's going to spend the rest of his days gritting his teeth trying to resist the urge to to toss Sirius over his shoulder and drag him to his bedroom and bind him to the bed and keep him there forever, because he just wants to fucking touch him ALL THE TIME, and know where he is all the time, and keep him safe and sheltered and right where Remus can always reach him forever and ever amen.

But what he'll do is buy a little bluetooth controlled vibrating plug and have Sirius put it in while Remus is on campus teaching his night class, and every now and then he'll just unlock his phone on his desk and turn the plug on and know that halfway across the city, Sirius is wailing into a pillow, because even at a distance, daddy controls his pleasure.

And he's not gonna do that, because Remus is not actually crazy, he just has crazy thoughts, because Sirius is like a fucking dream come true, a lifetime of fantasies made flesh, and it's breaking something in Remus' brain. But he also wants Sirius to be his beautiful self, and thrive, and get his engineering degree, and take over the fucking world if he wants to. So Remus isn't actually going to act on the caveman desires.

And what he'll do is get Sirius a whole new wardrobe and all kinds of expensive bath bombs and hair care products, because while Remus isn't a jealous man, he sure is a possessive man, and the idea that Sirius is walking around in the clothes that Remus picked out, smelling like mango shampoo because Remus wanted him to smell like that, that kind of ownership makes him feel fucking FERAL.

And what he'll do is strap Sirius into these pretty cuffs that bind his delicate wrists to his pale little thighs and he'll sit him in his lap and bounce him up and down on his daddy's cock until he's sobbing and three orgasms deep and still begging for it because he's daddy's good boy.

And then he'll carry him to a nice hot bath, and wash his lovely hair, and take him to the kitchen and make him pancakes at 3 in the morning, because Remus is his daddy, and that means he takes care of him. And Remus is, above all else, a complete fucking simp for Sirius Black.

So uh, hi, and thank you 😊

[three--rings]

Car Accidents for Writers and/or The Curious

So two days ago (as of first writing it's now been two weeks) I was in a major car accident at highway speed. Luckily, I'm mostly okay, my car protected me and only my heel is broken. But going through that was an experience and a very weird and foreign one so I wanted to write it down, especially for any writers depicting car crashes.

So first of all I was driving a brand new 2023 Kia Forte. A car with lots of technical bells and whistles, full modern safety everything. Thank god, although it was only 3 months old, it probably saved me from further injury.

So what happened immediately before the crash is what I'm most hazy about in my mind. I remember seeing the car on the left, it was at a crossroads where my highway traffic doesn't stop, but the crossroad traffic does. So I THINK the other car was stopped at the intersection when I first saw him, but honestly I am not sure. I saw the car, it was heading for the space in front of me, and I had time to think "he's gonna see me and stop right...what the FUCK" --impact.

(Edit: Two weeks later - Upon thinking more about it, I think that I saw him start to move but thought he was surely turning right, because he wouldn't go straight when I was right there. It would have been perfectly legal for him to turn right then. But then by the time I realized he wasn't turning and was coming right for the space in front of me...it was too late to do anything.)

Rest of the post cut for EXTREME Length as well as accident details and medical details of the ER trip both of which could be triggering. Nothing bad or gory or anything, just, some people might not want to read them.

I think I may have actually been yelling WHAT THE FUCK as I hit him. It felt like I had a split second to hit the brake, which was not nearly enough time to accomplish something. In that I did hit the brake but it barely slowed me before I hit. I was traveling around 70 mph (which is the speed limit there).

So the impact. All I remember is sudden whiteness blocking my view, along with the force, something impacting me in the face. I had a split second where I thought "Okay this is it, this is real, I might be about to die." (Note: I was also able to accurately report where on the car I hit (rear passenger door) but not the type of car. I said sedan, but it was a minivan. I said white, it was silver.)

Oh and right as the impact happened, as I saw the door of the car I was about to hit, right before the airbag popped, I had the thought/sensation of "wait, no, do it again, wait rewind, wait, reload the game." It was the sensation that I, as a gamer, have when I fuck up in a video game. The instinct that has you reach for the pause button or the reload button or whatever. That's what I felt, except of course it was real life and I couldn't try that again.

So the air bag popped and blocked all of my view, so I suddenly had no idea where I was, which way I was headed, etc. Except the car was still moving, my foot was probably/possibly still on the brake and my hands were I think still on the wheel. (All of this, I don't really know for sure.) Probably not still steering, but I feel like I was? IDK.

The next thing I knew I felt a second impact as my car hit a metal pole with a highway sign on it, shearing it off entirely. I saw the sign fly past my car through whatever gap was visible to the upper left side past the airbag. So I knew what I had hit. After that I was on grass and the car came to a pretty quick stop. (note this car also has auto-braking when it senses something in front of you, but obviously it couldn't stop itself fast enough either. )

So the car stopped and I was sitting there and my first thought was "okay I have to get out of the car." I could smell smoke and oil/fluidy smells and my car was making a bunch of weird sounds so I was scared it might catch on fire or whatever. So I reached under the side airbag which was blocking the top half of the door and opened my car door, which opened fine. I undid my seatbelt and grabbed for my phone from it's place on the center console under the dash. I knew in my dazed brain that my phone was Important. I needed to Call Someone? Maybe 911? Maybe my husband?

So, clutching my phone in a death grip (not thinking about taking anything else) I crawled under the side airbag and basically fell out of the car onto the grass.

Immediately upon trying to get out I knew my right ankle was hurt. I've had a lot of ankle sprains in my life and I looked down and saw it starting to swell and knew I couldn't stand on it.

Pretty much immediately, or within seconds there were people there. There was a gas station on the corner so either they were there or they were stopped at the intersection waiting to turn going the opposite direction from me. (God I've just thought I could have easily hit them if I'd gone left instead of right. . . that was lucky.)

The two people who arrived, who had witnessed it were a black man and a white woman, I can vaguely picture them, though couldn't pick them out of a lineup fyi. They kept offering to help me up and I told them no, my ankle is hurt, I can't stand. They asked if anyone was in the car and needed help and I said no. As new people arrived I heard them tell new people that no one was trapped. I guess I was vaguely aware that there was a second car also stopped, but I filed that under Someone Else's Problem and focused on me.

Oh wait, I've just remembered I think I was standing on one foot, holding onto the door at first, when the woman came up and asked if I was hurt. Because I was brushing off my front...so here we get into weird details okay. So I was wearing a steel boned corset under my clothes that I always wear when I go out, for back support. It's custom made by me. And I noticed right away that the impact had bent the front busk of the corset. This is a heavy duty steel busk, extra wide, so it's almost 2.5" wide piece of heavy steel. And instead of my stomach impacting the steering wheel or WHATEVER, it bent it up to almost a 90 degree angle.

So I was noticing that, but also, I thought I might be on fire. I was very HOT. My clothes were hot to the touch, the front of my dress felt like it had almost been singed. I kept touching and checking myself to make sure I wasn't on fire anywhere because of how hot my clothes felt. I assume this is from the air bags and the force of the impact and the explosions that send them out...IDK. But yeah I was hot. So I kept touching my stomach and clothes and people kept asking if I was hurt and I said "No, I don't think so, just my ankle."

At first, though, I couldn't form words. People were asking if I was okay and I couldn't answer. I think maybe I nodded. So my responses were probably more like Yes and No and "Ankle" than I remember. I just remember some serious floaty, disconnected, stunned mindset where I couldn't make words right. Lasted maybe less than a minute or a minute or two, not sure.

Basically I laid on the ground and just breathed and tried to chill for a few minutes, responding as people came up and asked me things. I think I repeated a couple of times "he just drove right in front of me..." and witnesses backed me up, saying they were there and saw the whole thing and yeah he just drove right out in front of me.

Throughout this, the surreal thing was that my car was still running and still playing my music. So poppy Janelle Monae was playing from my car. I finally was able to coordinate enough to pause Spotify on my phone so it stopped. I asked one of the bystanders if he could turn my car off with the on/off button because I was worried about it.

A state trooper arrived fairly quickly and came over and asked me first if I was hurt and if anyone else was in the car. I told him about my ankle and no. He said "okay you just sit there [on the grass] that's probably the best place for you. EMS is on their way, should be a few minutes." To which I nodded. He then asked me for my ID. I told him it was in my purse which he fetched from inside the car and handed to me to find my wallet and pull out my ID. He asked me for my basic version of the accident, which I was pretty vague about "I was driving and he just pulled right in front of my car and I only had a split second to brake."

He asked which direction I was traveling, how fast I was going. When I hesitated over that answer he said "highway speed?" and I said "yeah, 70-75." I was slightly worried about admitting I was technically speeding to a cop, but he just nodded and was very chill about everything, so I wasn't TOO worried. He asked a little more after a couple minutes like which direction the other car was coming from and which lane I was in." Then he said he was going to talk to the other driver. At which point I remembered there was another human being involved and I asked if they were okay and he said yeah seems like it, they're just a little queasy from the seatbelt.

So from where I was on the grass and not moving, basically I was sitting in the V formed by my car and the open driver door, so I couldn't see the other car and had literally no idea about the other driver, couldn't have told you their gender or race or anything. I never saw them. (Later the police gave us their details and it seems to be a man, but their name and city is literally all I know.)

At this point I was starting to feel more together. I had been playing with my phone, trying to call my husband. But for a while I couldn't make my fingers find how to call him. And then I did it, but the call wouldn't go through. I was in a fairly isolated area with poor cell coverage, it's basically in the middle of a bunch of fields of corn and cotton and shit. So I was calling but not hearing anything on the line. And meanwhile people kept talking to me and the car was honking nonstop. Even after I got him to turn off the car, it was still making honking car alarm noises. Like yes car, I know you are in distress but please shut the fuck up.

I texted my husband instead. He was texting me by then because he could hear when I called him and he knew something was WRONG. So here are the texts. It's pretty funny.

Cat totaled. Of course I didn't have my glasses so I couldn't see anything very well. I had been wearing sunglasses with bifocal reading glasses in them but they were uh, removed by the airbag. No idea what happened to them. He called me thankfully and that call worked so I told him where I was and that I was okay except for my ankle, etc. Of course I'm like the car, the poor car our new car is totaled and he's like fuck the car are YOU okay, etc.

Also when I exited the car, the witnesses kept telling me I was bleeding on my lips. I touched them and could tell my bottom lip was split. So I was like, yeah it's okay just my lip. Presumably from the impact with the airbag. It's cut on the inside from my teeth and still very swollen and in my way.

So I pulled my backup sunglasses from my purse and put them on to block the sun and laid back in the grass to chill. What sucked was that this is Texas and the grass had ants and they were crawling on me, but what could I do. I looked behind me and there was only more grass with car shrapnel and the highway which didn't look more comfortable to sit on. I asked the officer to get my tote bag out of my car, the bag with my dnd stuff which had a water bottle and can of coke in it. He got it but the coke can was totally dented and I couldn't open it. So I drank the water very gratefully because I was super thirsty.

oh and about this time the cop gave me a long speech about "You should drink a lot of water tonight and try to do some moving around because you're going to be sore and being in a car accident releases a ton of lactic acid into your body like you did a very strenuous workout...etc. " I basically just nodded and was like yeah i'm gonna be really sore.

At this point I figured I just had a sprained ankle and I would go to the er and they would check me out and I'd get an ACE bandage and be fine basically. I realized that the injury was from me trying to brake, standing on the brake and when the impact happened all that force transferred directly into my almost straight leg.

So the ambulance arrived and they came and asked the same questions. They had a bunch of people come to help get me to the stretcher. Basically they grabbed my arms and shoulders and pulled me backwards, telling me to push myself with my good leg. So I did that with them holding me up until we got to the stretcher and I sat down and swung myself around and was strapped down and lifted into the ambulance. They asked me if I had a preference for hospitals to go to and I told them the name of the big hospital nearby which I know our insurance works with because one of my doctors is there.

Then they just started asking me a bunch of medical questions about medications and conditions which I basically had to simplify, leaving out some of the minor things I have going on. Like I didn't mention depression or the antidepressant I take. I only told him some of my meds for my back. Not sure why, it just seemed like I needed to get important things across only.

He asked about where I hurt and I at that point told him about my shoulder hurting in addition to my ankle. He also told me about how bad that intersection is for accidents and how he'd been out there about an hour before for another (more minor) one and we talked about whether they needed to install a light there.

He was really nice and I liked him. I sent a text to my dnd chat while riding that told them I wouldn't be at the game. In the ambulance they checked my vitals and also took my blood sugar which I thought was kinda weird. I guess it's just standard.

We got to the ER and as they wheeled me through I heard the people saying "trauma 2, trauma 2 in room whatever, the trauma is here." So I realized that was me and they were treating me like a Serious Patient and not just an ankle. As I was rolled into the room a veritable swarm of people came with me and pulled me from the stretcher to the bed, bringing a lot of grass and dirt with me, by the way, which no one but me seemed to notice (And the nurse later).

Then they were trying to get my clothes off and a young man approached me with surgical scissors and said "Okay we're just gonna cut this off you" and I was like "No, please, can you not, I just finished sewing this!" and thankfully they were like well let's try. I was already like, I can do this, and pulling up my dress and wiggling. They probably didn't want me moving myself that much, but fuckit, I spent months on that dress I didn't want it ruined. (It ended up torn about an inch down at the neckline and has a couple inch long tear in the skirt from either me crawling out of the car or them pulling me to the stretcher.)

Oh and I had to tell them "I'm wearing a back support corset under here so it will be weird" but they were like "that's no problem" and they just reached down and pried the busk apart, (with me sucking in to help them) and pulling it free. So that was one anxiety gone. So anyway, they finally got the dress and all my shirts off while they pulled my bra free also. It's definitely weird having a swarm of people you can't really see grab you and start tearing off your clothes. I wasn't feeling at all worried about being exposed or anything, my only concern was for my clothes. Finally I was naked except for my underwear and they put a gown over me.

And then hooked up a bunch of wires and stuff. The EMT had started an IV in my hand but not given me anything. They also didn't give me anything yet, though I THOUGHT they'd hooked me up to saline or something but turned out no.

Then I talked to the doctor and repeated all my pains. They were like okay we'll get xrays and check you out all over. So they did the xrays in the bed and I had a really hard time moving my foot/ankle the way they wanted because I was like "I can't move it" and they were like, but okay flex more and I'm like "I can't." And then turn it to the side and I'm like, uh, it's not moving. And finally I had to like turn my whole body to the side to get the position they wanted.

Then they took blood and mostly left and there was one nurse left. "Can I have some water?" I asked, my most pressing concern because I was DYING of thirst. She was like "uh we have to wait and ask the doctor." And then a little while later she was like "is there anything I can get you?" and I'm like "again, water?" and she's like okay lemme go check.

So I finally got water and I asked the lady taking my blood if she could hand me my phone from my purse. So I had my phone hurray although I still had no glasses and couldn't see. But my texts showed my husband was outside so I asked if he could come back and they said sure. It still took a little while but they finally came and asked me again if family could come back and I said yes and then there he was.

Obviously that was a huge relief because I could ask him for stuff from my purse like my glasses. And we mostly just talked and looked at stuff on our phones while waiting for results. So finally the doctor comes back and is like so okay actually you have a broken heel bone and we're going to put you in a splint for now and then you will follow up with an orthopedist. And he did that and that was pretty painful. By this point they'd given me something in my IV that was helping with the pain but still having them try to force my foot upright was super painful.

Then they said they needed a urine sample and the nurse was like do you want to try a bed pan or me to do a catheter. And I'm like I guess bed pan. Which, I didn't know, is basically just a hard plastic bowl that you sit on and the edges dig into your butt and thighs. And she tries to explain how to go and I'm like okay I'll try but I totally failed. Because I was still massively dehydrated. I'm like "if you'd given me more water like I asked, I might be doing better at this." Finally they started me on IV fluids and I got my husband to get me my water bottle. Then they did a catheter except they still couldn't get urine and they did it a second time with a better nurse and finally they made me laugh and that made some come out so they made me keep laughing until they got enough of a sample. So I'm definitely making the nurse stories for that one.

By the way, did the catheter hurt. Yeah, a little. It feels like what you'd expect. It's pokey and doesn't feel good, but once it's in you can't feel it. Also I was told my "anatomy" made it easy to see what they were doing which, I'm like is that a compliment on my pussy or what?

Anyway after that it was just waiting waiting waiting. They were checking for damage to my kidneys or I guess other indicators through blood tests because they came back to draw more blood twice.

Finally like five hours after the wreck they let me go. And gave me very little information about anything, actually I could complain a lot about the way the ER handled things but like that's not the point here.

We were both obviously starving because we hadn't eaten so we had to drive through the only thing open which was a 24 hour mcdonalds.

They didn't give us crutches, just told me to use them, so we had some from when my husband was in a car wreck and wheelchair bound for months. So he had to go in the house and find those and bring them out to me. Our door is very far from the driveway so I had a long way to go on crutches and it was very difficult given my pain situation and how my shoulder and ribs on the right side hurt. So once I finally got to the door he got a rolling chair that I sat on and he wheeled me to the bedroom.

That night once the meds they gave me in the ER wore out I was in terrible terrible pain. I'm a chronic pain patient on an opioid patch and it was insane. Ten on the pain scale. I wont go into too much detail but god I wanted to die or like, just cut my foot off. I took pretty much anything I could to try to help the pain, after some quick interactions googling. And took an edible we had and that was what finally let me get any sleep about 5 in the morning once it kicked in.

It's now two weeks later and...what is recovery from a crash like that like? Well it sucks honestly. I got very lucky in my injuries but the broken heel is way more painful that I would have imagined, sometimes radiating pain all the way up my leg to the crotch. And worse than that has been the rest of my body that didn't get diagnosed with any injuries but obviously went through major trauma.

My ribs have been very sore in a couple different places, making it difficult to move, sit up, lay on one side, reach for things, laugh or cough. And I pulled something in my right shoulder though they didn't see any damage on x-rays but it's taken two weeks to start to feel like I can use my right arm much or move it without terrible pain.

I've spent most of my time on pretty heavy meds, thanks to my pain doctor, but still all the time I've been massively uncomfortable. And trying to do anything is really difficult because I have to use weird muscles to pull myself up to standing or whatever without putting weight on my right foot, and then those muscles have gotten sore. It was about two days after the accident I reached peak Body Pain, after trying to get around on crutches with an injured/bruised ribs and messed up shoulder. I got to the point I couldn't get myself up to go to the bathroom on my own at all. Thankfully then I got a kneeling scooter thing which is an absolute requirement for getting around in this state.

So yeah today is two weeks and I feel like I'm just starting to get back to almost normal functioning, except for my broken foot. Taking meds less often, and then only because the foot starts throbbing. (Did you know heels are very painful things to break? Neither did I? I'm lucky I don't need surgery because frequently this injury can cripple you if you don't have surgery.)

Anyway, I don't know if anyone will have read all this, but I feel like it's worth documenting the experience. I was originally going to post this within the first few days of the accident but then the real bad effects started kicking in and then uh, there was the Lahaina thing. (My closest family lives there. They are safe along with their house but...my little tragedy didn't feel important in the face of that.)

At any rate, please drive safely, this experience sucks and I don't recommend it.

[ouatsnark]

I am so frustrated that I am about to scream. I saw a poll about if Emma swan deserves hate right? And in the comments one person says 'I hate her ingernalozed misogyny and internalized homophobia'.

Basically says she adapted so that Snow wouldn't abandon her and that the writers wrote the perfect closeted lesbian relationship with her and Regina.

They also censored h00k and I'm just so pissed and annoyed I could loose my mind.

THEY HAVE A FUCKING LESBIAN COUPLE IN THE SHOW. TWO ACTUALLY.

If they wanted swanqueen to happen, they would have made it happen.

Someone also said they were iffy because of how she reacted towards Regina because Regina is a 'good' mother and Emma was like 'I don't know about that'.

I feel like I am losing my mind.

The hilarious thing is that Regina deserves nothing but hate and all she gets is love, sympathy and understanding from that crowd.

“Internalized misogyny and homophobia” are buzz phrases they throw around to back up their lack of valid arguments. All they have to do is claim something is "sooo bad it's this and that" and it justifies whatever else nonsense that comes out of their mouths.

How does Emma have internalized misogyny?

Because she is in love with a man who has done, pretty much nothing to her, compared to the woman they want to watch walk all over Emma? The examples they use are things Hook did or said while a villain & while they were enemies or when he consumed by darkness. To which we respond: and? That’s not the real Hook nor the Hook we ship Emma with nor the Hook that Emma is in love with! Regina Apologists refuse to acknowledge the change in Hook.

So they claim that Emma lets Hook put her down which is just 100% false meanwhile they ignore the canon fact that Regina does put Emma down and has made Emma doubt herself. They claim that it’s just Regina’s “sass” or my favorite is “well, wifey deserved it” because yes Regina gets to abuse other characters but if a character upsets poor mass-murdering rapist Regigigig “that character bad, that character evil”. Well, Hook was consumed by evil so if Regina’s “sass” can be used as an excuse then being consumed by a literal evil entity should most definitely be a free pass for Hook. But alas we’re talking about double standard hypocrites here.

How does Emma have internalized homophobia?

Because she isn’t in love with the straight woman who held a male sex slave for 28 years? And yes, sorry loves, canon wise Regina is straight! What the actress says off camera doesn’t count! But somehow saying this stops them from her being bi/lesbian in their head canons? Oh the power that I wield!

Just because the writing didn’t go where they wanted it to go they have to pull out the homophobia card. It’s ridiculous. The writers were not writing “the perfect closeted lesbian relationship” which they outright say in a panel. Even if they were then it was far from perfect and more on the toxic side since the SwanQueen fandom claims that Regina was in love with Emma while actively trying to murder her and her parents. It would have been far from perfect since SwanQueen claim that Emma was in love with Regina while fighting against Regina purposefully hurting her and her son. But apparently they think all of this made Emma hot for Regina? Abuse is not love! Repeat after me: ABUSE. IS. NOT. LOVE.

Regina apologists think that Regina abusing her son because she’s afraid makes her a good mother

The Regina Apologists will never acknowledge the abuse Regina heaped on Henry nor the fact that Emma was there to save Henry from her curse which was causing him emotional distress. That alone makes Regina a horrible mother and Emma the better one. Regina deserved everything she got in S1-2 and more.

But again we’re back to the fact that Regina apologists think that everything Regina does is someone else’s fault and that her abuse is really love.

What proof is there that Snow would abandon Emma if she weren’t straight?

This is another pretty popular talking point and it’s based off a tweet by Ginny Goodwin. And she was 100% correct. I don’t know what the exact quote was but it boiled down to this: that Snow would have a problem with Emma being with REGINA because Regina is Snow’s step-mother. If they could use logic they would understand that from Snow’s perspective that would be strange, awkward and a little upsetting. I mean, come on, Regina sent men to murder Snow’s child, the same child they want Regina to get with. So this isn’t about any other woman being with Emma but it was specifically about Regina.

Snow is best friends with a bisexual woman and supported her relationship with Dorothy. But the RAs/SQs ignore this little fact and Regina’s history with Snow so that they can continue spewing their buzz phrases. Also, they like feeling like victims.

They like to claim that Emma had to choose Hook because that is what her parents wanted which is just not supported in canon anywhere and you can point to S3 pushing her toward Neal and their wanting Emma to let Hook go in S5 as clear examples. Snowing wanted Emma to be happy. That is it.

P.S. It makes me laugh when they still censor H00k years after the show ends. They started doing this so he wouldn’t trend on social media and thus make it look like he was popular because they have always, wrongly, believed that he wasn’t popular at all.

[ghost-town-dwellers]

im writing a full smpronpa review because honestly that fic kinda changed my brain chemistry. this will be bullet point format as i am lazy

okay, so disclaimer- i havent seen smplive so i cant talk about those streamers characterizations. HOWEVER, i had a 3 year long derange danganronpa phase and have been abnormal about technoblade since 2017 so i do consider myself a bit of an expert on those aspects. oh also im taking the poke route and replacing that guy with yahi 👍

- gettin the techno things outta the way. first off, really likes his characterization and how it didnt fall into the trap of “overly bloodthirsty and unemotional” technoblade while still keeping his hitman status from tekkitlive i believe? and his deadpan demeaner. A+

- on the negative side, i will never get forgive the author for missing out his speech quirks like dropping the “g” at the end of words or constant use of “bruh”. additionally, plotwise, i feel like technoblade as the hitman sent after schlatt and co was disregarded a bit too quickly? and also came off as weird considering no one was meant to have any memories?? like why did schlatt and co and techno remember that part??? idk that just confused me but its danganronpa so whatevs

- the talents. they didnt.. feel like they had much of a purpose? like they didnt feel like they added much to the characterization, but that does add something interesting to the fact that the talents were a fake concept all along so i will not say if this was good or bad and will leave it up to you

- speaking of, was there a reason we never found out ty or travis’ talents? like they died and we just never found out what they were or why we didnt know. like. that confused me

- on the OTHER hand. the fake talents imply that yahi made HIMSELF the ultimate comedian which is objectively hilarious. big obama giving obama a medal energy

- poke. girl they did so little with him that i REGULARLY forgot he was there. bro just do SOMETHING with him. however, this is also a classic danganronpa experience so i will accept it

- the third trial kinda went crazy. i liked the twist on two victims to instead be two killers. genuinely an interesting version of the third chapter, and ryan was like.. a weirdly compelling character, especially after that trial

- half of the end twists were just straight ridiculous. im not.. really a fan of the “it was joko actually it was yahi actually it was cooper” thing, but its very sdr2 core so tbh thats fair. on the other hand, what in the world exactly happened to joko????? like he was at the final trial for like a Minute but he was dead beforehand in the flashbacks???? was he a robot????????? im so confused

- also, what was the purpose of charlie fakin his death? once again, very danganronpa of them but fundamentally kinda weird and unnecessary. i understand the in universe explanation but like.. out of universe why was that decision made?

- i would like the give the author massive kudos for the actual murders and trials. as someone who has participated in and even RAN danganronpa fangame rps, that shits HARD. it was pretty well done! not perfect, and some parts were hard to follow but i have ABSOLUTELY seen worse

- i also started really liking angel as a character. i liked the choice to have her actually be a detective lying about her “ultimate” and she felt very genuine and interesting. schlatt also came across as a pretty interesting antagonist with canon-typical confusing motives

- also whatever the fuck joko and cooper had going was gay as HELL. like idk what was up but it was deeply homosexual

- i also liked the way the ending had a sort of commentary on fan culture and the increasing escalation of entertainment for the cruel enjoyment of the masses. very yugioh arc v z-arc core for the like two people who get that reference. im not entirely sure on how WELL it was executed especially within the wider context, but i still found it interesting

thats the general review! ill update this if i realize i forgot stuff but all in all thats what i wanted to say

[carmenized-onions]

CHAPTER 8 WOOOOH

i ADORE that it’s his pov, let us into your mind pretty boy!! they’re so cute, he’s down bad and i’m obsessed

Adorable in the literal sense!!! = my heart beating faster in the literal sense

GRUMPY CARMY HE’S SO CUTE I CAN NOT EMPHASIZE THIS ENOUGH

he’s happy about her wearing his jacket :’)))))<3 like ofc he is but the fact that it’s written out clearly is just 💓💓💓

“God, you’re perfect”- i i i i i i i i i i i i *malfunctions*

Carmen likes that idea. Your man. - 🥹🥹🥹 THERE ARE MORE PEOPLE WHO LIKE THAT IDEA 😁💃

You didn’t make it. Therefore, it’s just fine. - BEIDKFKRIENEDODN???? HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO SURVIVE THIS

Un-special. - NOOOO BABYBOY ILL CRY

You grin, he has no come back for this, you’re perfect - 💓💓💓

He wants to be your man. He wants to have been your man. If he had been, for the past three years, you would probably be talking about moving in together, by now. - i’m gonna sob now, probably for a good amount of time tbh

He misses the fact that you usually share utensils, since you’re always trying something. But he’ll survive. - THEY SHARE SIDNFIFNFIFKF COUPLE *WHO ARE NOT OFFICIALLY A COUPLE* GOALS

So good. You’re so good - ✨🦋✨🦋✨

Like Mikey did, though, not in the same way, obviously. - CACKLE. I CANT EVEN

Carmy does have to give you hints, but he prefers it that way, prefers to be needed by you for a change - 🥺🥺🥺 they’re so wholesome i<3

but maybe on the underside? Only you and him would know it's there. - PLS LET THAT HAPPEN BUT IT’S CARMY WHO DOES IT 🥺🙏🏼🫶🏼 am i being bold coming with requests/hopes? absolutely yes but also you kinda set this up so i’ll blame you actually~

Name it. Name anything. He’ll give you anything. -😭😭😭 HE IS PERFECT

the quick kiss before work - THESE TWO ARE MY FAVOURITES EVER

cara mia - 🥹🥹🥹 yeah that’s just yeah :’)))))))<3<3

Pretty boy OPEN UP!!!! It was very fun, writing his POV, and a fun challenge, to be like-- Well, okay, what would he think about this?

I FUCKIN LOVE thinking about words a little more intensely, like adorable, like, bro the etymology behind it is being worthy of divine worship-- It's so deep. It actually is that deep, if u think about it. No i'm not fucking delusional YOU SHUT UP!!!

Grump carm is fun, i was equally as grumpy to leave that scene, honestly, as a breakfast lover. I've curated the perfect breakfast for people when they sleep over. If that was ruined for me and also I woke up to a phone call, i'd have a straight up meltdown. But also he's just a clingy sonofabitch so wear his jacket and suddenly everything's right as rain.

So many down bad lines we can hardly summarize em all!!! But the your man spiel in particular holds a place in my heart and also breaks it. (Also his whole coffee thing. Mf is not over the one time Tony made coffee and a peach wine)

As does the everything about him feeling un-special. I only know of one D20 watcher in my following, but if they're reading this, I was vv much going for a Kingston Brown/Liz Herrera relationship. Hard to feel special, when you're dating a hero.

YKNOW WHATS FUNNY, NO ONE HAS EVER NOTED IT, BUT I HAVE ALWAYS WRITTEN THEM TRADING SPOONS/FORKS WHEN SHE TRIES SOMETHING, AND NO ONE HAS EVER NOTED IT UNTIL I MADE IT SO CLEAR HE DOES IT ON PURPOSE LMAOOOO

"Like Mikey did, though, not in the same way, obviously. - CACKLE. I CANT EVEN" listen, i didn't know how else to make it clear that he does not think tony is actually his brother and also simultaneously does NOTT feel a type of way about his brother. But like . Yknow. SAFETY IN A PERSON OR WHATEVER OKAY!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! jkjkjk.

As for underneath the table request, i plead the fifth. I don't know what the fifth is. But as for Cara mia-- I doubt this mf will ever say it again, but he definitely felt like he was getting his heritage challenged in that diner and he had to claim it for himself before The Actual Tony could. He's gotta have SOMETHING original in this bitch.

Anyways, anyways, I wrote like 1200 words of beats for the chapter after the next chapter, so here's a poorly cropped snippet from that to avoid spoils, because idk, maybe you like rough rough drafts. It's really honestly just the place i write jokes that will not make it into the final to make me laugh.

sommefuckingbitch indeed

ALSO FUCKING POPPING YOUR OTHER ASK IN HERE SO I DON'T DEMOLISH PEOPLE'S HOME PAGE LMAO <3

YEAH!! yeah to all those things. But listen, if it wasn't in-between the lines clear enough, of course carmy is wondering about that first point, too, so it'll be made very clear what the FUCK happened dontchu worry your lil head. Your lil hair washed possibly moaning head.

[edgarrallannhoe]

7-08-024 man, i fucked up.

today,tomorrow,to…

Ive been vomiting for the past 24+ hours now. i like to say “hahah i’m vomiting SO MUCH but idk why..” i know why. Rome makes me sick, rome makes me want to relapse, rome allows me to relapse. I know it’s no rome’s fault here, i wish it was. I wish all of this was anyone else fault but mine, but here we are, with all the faults in the world i guess.

i have to say tho, among all of the european capitals, rome is the least chic one by a mile.

Yesterday a bought me some Ketamine. I have a complicated relationship with K since the first time i tried it almost twelve-thirteen years ago and not knowing how to use it i just decided to open the bag and snort the whole thing in one line. Bad idea, i spent the night hugging the service toilet at my highschool with a friend making fun of me during the whole thing. Then after that day, i snubbed it at practically every occasion i had, i just wasn’t interested in that devilish thing again, and now, since a few years i’m again at it. I don’t want to talk about this tho, kinda boring, kinda useless.

8-08-024 somebody save me from myself

the purge

i tried to force myself to post, but i started writing then said “fuck it, why should anybody care?” then said “BuT IM DoInG tHIs FoR MySeLf sO whY dOeS it maTTeR if people enjoy it?” and then again “i’m lying as usual, few are the things i do where i’m not concerned about how i will be perceived, social media isn’t one of them.” so i’m here now, less whiny than the other day, but more sick.

I keep vomiting, crying, then trying to drink lil sips of water then vomiting again the same water i just drank. Atp this night i felt like a dry prune, without water, without anything substantial in me, wrinkled and all, i was literally crying hugging my garbage bin: i want to note that the garbage bin is literally kinda a wicker basket, so lot of holes and whatnot. I said to my dad, that because of my “puking problem” maybe we should pick a new one that doesn’t make everything messier every time this happens, and he bought another bin…. a DRILLED metallic one, so now i have a little drilled bin inside a wicker basket, a nightmare every time, now i have to also clean them after i’m finished!

i don’t think i have an ED, or at least not in the way it is usually explained. Ive always been skinny and kinda minature, and always ate whatever, but i have to admit that while once i believed ( and sometimes said myself ) the whole “i eat whatever and whenever and i stay sKiNNnYyYyYy” , i know understand this whole thing better. While i have a fast metabolism and a skinny/petite corporature, and it’s true that sometimes i eat McDonald’s four days in a row, i don’t put weight on cause i eat nothing during the whole day tho. like, i wake up and drink latte macchiato ( idk outside Italy what Latte Macchiato is, here is just like 1/4 coffee and 3/4 milk with maybe a lil sugar ), then mid morning i drink Latte macchiato, then i skip lunch, then in the afternoon you guess it! Latte macchiato! ( if it’s summer sometimes it gets changed with a cold Cola in the glass bottle, love it ), and THEN i eat McDonald’s. But if you consider the fact that i’m pretty active as a person , always moving even if i’m home in bed, and that i only drink coffee and milk the whole day, it’s not weird not gaining weight if you have a crispy mcBacon for dinner 4 nights straight.

So yeah, i think that whole “eat a lot don’t put on weight” it’s a little bit of a fairytale, but i’m sure that there is always a girl swearing that for them is exactly like that. Good for you Veronica.

Sometimes is also happens, that because i don’t really eat during the day, i end up having less hunger than if i ate ( i always ate slay✨), and then the hunger makes me nauseous, so then i vomit but i vomit absolutely nothing but slimish green bile, and then i am even more “hungry”- the problem is that i’m not, even when i am atp, i’m not hungry, i feel nauseous and i know that it’s because i need to eat, but i would rather not- it becomes a cycle, and every time is exhausting, this night i felt like i just wanted to die. I just wanted to be put off of this misery. Now it’s kinda better, kinda, rn here is 12AM, i woke up at three AM to, you guess it, vomit and it went on until almost two hours ago, i feel like shit.

I bought a watermelon at the store/supermarket, there is a real market near the store with better watermelons but i don’t want to enter that lively place, vade retro lol, so i’m okay with a watery and less red watermelon. i’m now eating in very small bites a small pizza no topping and all, but i’m far from feeling fine.

ok ill stop writing for now, IM DYIIIIING- i wish i was - aaaaaaaaaghhh somebody save me fucking please

xx emma

[loulines]

When 2023 was right around the corner, I had this desperate hope to make things better. My life was falling apart and back then I thought that 2022 was the worst year I've experienced...

... so far.

In January, I made so many plans to fix my life and to fix what was between me and people close to me. Things were still pretty terrible but at least I had HOPE and I was determined. I was like, THIS WILL BE THE YEAR WHEN MY LIFE GETS BETTER! WHEN MY DREAMS COME TRUE! I made my second attempt at bullet journaling to track my crazy mood shifts and to write motivational stuff that would help me self-soothe and control my triggers. I was doing DBT workbooks even though I was too scared to seek professional therapy. I kept telling myself that I can't fuck up again. And I didn't.

Yet my life has still shattered not long after I started working on my mental health.

I kept asking myself why, I couldn't understand it and I still really can't. I had to carry on despite wishing to never wake up nearly every day. But I think it's just how I am. I will carry on no matter how bad things are. Maybe it's a good trait.

But life was pathetic AF. The first half of 2023 was just me falling straight into the pit. I still couldn't get into therapy because I was too ashamed and my imposter syndrome was screaming at me that I'm just faking it because I still manage to sleep alright and I was doing fine at work. Even though that was what my life has become. Sleep and work. And YouTube. Well, I also continued learning Dutch but I'm really slow at it. Can't really get past A1 level. I've made countless attempts at going back to drawing but it's just a struggle nowadays. I don't feel any joy from it anymore. And I hate it because I loved doing it. I can't go back to writing either. I can't even read fics anymore. Somehow, reading about my favorite ship getting together for the 100th time and living happily after only adds salt to the wound.

The second half of the year was when I finally made attempts at stopping going downhill. Finally got the guts to start therapy, then my therapist convinced me to make my own decisions instead of letting people do it for me. I also quit my job because it sucked and I had no life outside of it.

Do I feel better? No.

Do I look forward to 2024? No.

I'm turning 30 in 2024 and I feel so pathetic I don't even know what to give myself as a gift to make myself happy. Because to be honest, absolutely nothing makes me happy anymore. I keep on living and try to enjoy things while they last but it's not pure, genuine joy. Every time I have to tell myself "this is a happy moment, enjoy it." Every other thing, on the other hand, reminds me of the times I was hurt so now I avoid my triggers like a plague. I also don't trust people at all. I'm constantly warning myself that every person who tries to befriend me is lying and they actually think I suck. I can't fit in anywhere.

I'm scared to say that 2023 was my absolute worst year because I said that about 2022 and then the next year topped it. But it fucking sucked. 2023 managed to turn all my happy memories from the year before into something that doesn't seem like it happened anymore. I'm actually trying to erase them from my memory but I don't think I ever will. I have no plans for 2024, no hopes, no dreams. Whatever happens, happens.

I'm not sure why I wrote this on my blog, I guess I just wanted to scream into the void. I'm mourning what once was, what I had and what I could do. I need to accept that those things will never come back.

[nerves-nebula]

Same thing happened to me. Different circumstances, but yeah it is super painful. My mom didn't tell me what I period was until I got it for the first time, and I wasn't even with her. I was at my grandmother's house and had to learn what they were from her, my mom only explained it to me after.

She also hasn't taught me hygiene either. I know the basics of course, the really obvious ones that are easy to do. Anything else? Hell if I know. I don't even know how to properly wash my hair, I have dandruff constantly. She complains about it, but she sure as hell isn't gonna teach me how.

Anyways, I wanted to write this to tell you that you aren't alone. This shit is incredibly common, for whatever reason. It sucks, but my advice is to just try. Focus on the now, and just try your best. Tacky advice, I know, but Focusing on the now will get you to the future. And that way you can prepare yourself for it, and actually know how to do it.

(You don't have to answer this ask, I just wanted to send some words of encouragement :D)

thank you, it feels really nice when people offer their stories unprompted like this <3

my mom taught us the basics too, by which I mean she TOLD them to us and barely ever enforced them. I've gotten better at showering regularly (probably still less than most people though) but I cant fuckin STAND brushing my teeth. it makes my mouth feel sooo gross and i never got into the habit of it so it's still difficult.

I used to have HORRIBLE dandruff too, and it itched so bad that I would scab my head all over scratching at it. turns out I have seborrheic dermatitis (diagnosed via tumblr user saying I might have it, and then a nurse confirming it lmao) and now I use a medical anti-dandruff shampoo from like. walgreens or something! I think its called selsun blue or something, so idk maybe that'll help?

ALSO FUCKING. I HAVE SO MANY ISSUES WITH HAIR. so im mixed and my mom has straight hair cause shes very white. so i am FUCKED cause god knows she wont learn to do black hair. but my hair isnt as tightly curled as my other siblings either, so im kind of just left floundering cause idk what kind of hair i even HAVE so how do i figure out how to take care of it??? all i know is that shampoo goes before conditioner ;O;

ANYWAY yeah you're advice here is actually pretty solid. unfortunately the truth is that when it comes to hygiene, you just have to try to do it consistently.

one thing that helps me take showers (and this is advice i got from ppl with ADHD, which i might also have idk) is to either set a timer or just don't. think.

if i think too much I'll never take a shower cuz i'll be thinking about how hard it is and how long it will take.

but if I think "i should shower" and just ride that thought out then I can collect all my things (towel, bodywash, etc) and go to the shower before I have the chance to change my mind.

my hygiene is still probably "gross" to most people but I've improved a lot so i'm proud of myself.

sorry for the ramble hah, I appreciate the encouragement <3

[bleezebrew]

20 Questions for Fic Writers

Thanks for the tag @candyskiez! I am…bad at this internet thing, so I'm not sure who to tag. Anyone who wants to can jump in.

1. How many fics do you have on Ao3?

46 total so far. 38 are fanfictions and 8 are original works but I'm going to be ignoring the latter from this point onwards where possible.

2. What's your total Ao3 word count?

271,996. The majority of that is because of "Above Board." That series was not what I expected to write at the time, but 2020 was…odd.

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Good question. I don't know. Whatever I am feeling in the moment, mostly.

In the past I've written for Hogan's Heroes and Fullmetal Alchemist. Recently I've finished a sizeable Star Trek Next Gen series. I am currently working on a number of Nimona fanfics and I expect to return to Leverage at some point after that. Beyond that, couldn't say.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

"Trust Fall", "Golf Blues", "Inventory", "Only the Best", and "Challenges in Rhetoric". A mix of Leverage and FMA. Somehow I'm not surprised to find the Waterworld story hasn't gotten a lot of kudos, lol. Glad to see "Inventory" up there, it was a lot of fun to write. Outsider POV usually is.

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I try really hard to. I adore getting comments, and I want to communicate that, but I can start to overthink my reply and spiral over them pretty easy.

6. What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Uhhh…. Gonna have to give that one to either "Lies Will Out" or "Confessions" I think, even though "Lies Will Out" has a hopeful final scene. (Both Star Trek Next Gen)

"Love Like a Rain" (Nimona 2023) is a strong contender, but with the context of the movie, it gets resolved pretty much instantly and ends well. "Bones on Bones" (Waterworld 1995) is also a contender but is more impersonal over all.

Getting a proper resolution from "Lies Will Out" takes all 54K of "Wheat with the Chaff," and "Confessions" is a straight up tragedy.

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

"we are such vicious, wild things" is very domestic in spite of the title, probably that one. Runner up is "Trust Fall." I love my OT3's it seems.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Not yet. I did start on ffn though, and the commenting etiquette there would be considered rude on Ao3.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

I only wrote some recently, and I haven't posted any as of yet. Generally not my thing, but this one grew a plot I'm excited about. What can you do?

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

I write them, but I don't post them, because I've never actually finished one. I was working on an FMA x Star Wars Prequels thing for a while, got a third of the way through and scrapped it, though that isn't the craziest one. That's probably the unfinished FMA x Megamind Community Theatre AU I want to finish someday.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I know of.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

No. Would love if it happened but it's very unlikely to.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

No. Love brainstorming with people, hate actually writing with people. I'm a little bit of a control freak about the execution.

14. What's your all-time favourite ship?

How dare you make me pick one. I'm going to say Leverage OT3, but really it's tied between Goldenheart and Royai.

15. What's a WIP you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?

Question 18 made me think of it--Tower of Babble.

I started a Next Gen fic where the universal translator goes off-line. I planned out the personnel dynamics based on who spoke what and the fact that the computer would revert to Vulcan and we see no Vulcans on the Enterprise D. I was going to have Geordi speak Creole specifically to fuck with Picard. I was going to have Riker and Barclay both speak German. Worf would speak Russian and people would reply to him in tourist Klingon with absolutely no idea what he just said. It was going to be gold but also I can't just use google translate for the whole thing. I really only speak French and English, which does mean I can fake competence for a few different languages if I do my research well, but that's really only the romance languages and…well. I just don't think it's happening, unfortunately, as cool as it would be. Idea is free to a good home, doesn't have to be Next Gen or even Star Trek, would love to see it if someone makes it.

16. What's your writing strengths?

I have gotten a lot of compliments for getting character voice right and for providing an emotional journey, so…those. I think I manage to balance OCs pretty well so that they stay secondary characters at most, and that I'm a fair hand at tension.

17. What's your writing weaknesses?

I am allergic to mystery plots. Hate them. Loathe them. Don't want to write them ever, ever, ever. I will give you dramatic irony all day every day, but mysteries are just. The worst. I don't actually know if I could be good at them because I have honestly never tried.

Fight scenes also, because fight scenes are of course really hard to write and I always make the mistake of making my characters competent so that I have to actually do choreography and not just Vibes. Uggggghhhhh.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

I have done it in some of my fics, I usually try to do it in a way that the meaning can be intuited easily and it doesn't detract from the fic if you don't know it, or so that the translation is provided by the characters in the main body if it is plot relevant.

Mad respect for people who use it to drive the plot and do full translations in their end notes or hover text, you are incredible and I love you.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Hogan's Heroes. In 2018, I'm pretty sure. As far as I know that fandom still does like 3-5 annual events over on ffn. They're cool.

20. Favorite fic you've ever written?

Noooooo I have to pick??? I love them all for different reasons.

If I have to pick, then probably "Build Them Up, Let Them Go." Outsider POV is always a delight. I would consider saying "Wheat with the Chaff" but it was a COMPLETE AND UTTER BITCH TO WRITE, so no, no it doesn't get to be my favourite. :) Ever. :)

"Trust Fall" is a very solid runner up though.

By the time I finish it, I think some of the other stories in the "Love Like" series are probably going to jump ahead of these. I am still deeply in love with the character dynamics in Nimona.

My Ao3, if you're interested in an eclectic mix.

[dusterson]

11, 12, 13 for the questions left unanswered mun edition (imtheircleric)

11 : What’s your biggest pet peeve when it comes to RPing?

Hmm. Honestly it's kind of hard to peeve me off in RP; not a whole lot of passive stuff i.e. writing style/skill or canon character portrayal gets on my nerves unless it's just outright illegible or moves nothing in the story we're writing together as RP partners. And even then I'm more likely to be driven to give advice than be annoyed. I guess when people just plop a ship on me. EspECIALLY when it's with my older characters, which is where it happens most often. I'll be writing one of my miserable grandpas with someone's younger character and I'll be like, "Aww I'm so happy my character has a son/daughter figure in their life :'D" and I kid you not they IMMEDIATELY will go "They should get together 8)" The kicker's when, if I agree, they go straight to the Smut. Don't even ask me, don't take no time to see what kind of dynamic they have in said relationship, just getting straight to the goddamn point. Don't spring intimate relationships on my characters. OH MAN and if someone does then gets mad at whatever kind of relationships my character's in (someone tried to smut my OC and then read his info and cHEWED ME OUT BECAUSE HE WAS POLYAMOROUS???), I'm out. I might also bite your face off, then I'm out.

12 : What’s your biggest pet peeve when it comes to the fandom you RP in?

NOBODY WRITIN WITH DOUBLES OF THE CANON THEY PLAYYY! It's a silly and pointless peeve I know, but I really really want Dustin to meet another Dustin and then they can COMMENCE

THE

CHAOS.

Ok but for a more serious one I would like to Complain and I am sorry ahead of time but I have a lot of Feelings about my boy.

Note, I enjoy Billy as a character, I really do. BECAUSE he's not a decent person!

And I. Love. Jason. And feel horribly bad for him.

He was written to be doomed from the start and condemned for doing what he thought was right. But Billy is a better person despite TRYING TO RUN OVER KIDS??? even if he didn't intend to actually hit, do you think Max knew that??? what if he’d messed up and HAD hit one or more of the kids? think you that risk crossed his mind? Clearly not long enough for him to think twice about traumatizing his little sister. also it's tOTALLY not racist for him to say "hanging out with THOSE KINDS OF PEOPLE--” or whatever like. didn’t dacre like, BEG the duffers to make billy LESS racist? in my books that intention’s still there and it was still pretty,, blatant to me that he didn’t like Lucas SPECIFICALLY.

Everyone saying they were frightened for Erica’s safety because he forced the door open? I getchya. I’d rather a door than a fuck-you-miles-per-hour vehicle. I can kick someone holding my door open. You don’t think she would have kneecapped Jason in the nads if he tried? Also he was in the middle of a psychotic breakdown and You Do Not Act Right during those. Y’all have no idea how upset I was that Jason didn't even get a respectful death. People are all like "duffers said 5 people died well that was a lie lol" INCORRECT. 5 PEOPLE DID DIE. They just didn't give a shit about them. They're both racist because THAT'S HOW THEY WERE RAISED and they were both traumatized teenagers but the one that's less forgivable is the one that was TRYING TO PROTECT HIS FRIENDS? TWO OF WHICH WERE BLACK? Also anyone else notice the cops broke the fucking law and didn't take down his statement which you're SUPPOSED TO DO NO MATTER HOW OUTLANDISH THE STATEMENT IS?? (Also anyone else notice how GODDAMN RIGHT JASON WAS EVEN THOUGH HE HAD ZERO! CLUE!! WHAT WAS HAPPENING!!!)

(Also he brought a gun because he was p sure he was going up against Satanists in the middle of summoning said goddamn-literally Satan. I’d fucking gear up like that if I thought someone could mutilate me just by looking at me. Did we all forget that he also saw that happen? Not just the blorbie morbson? He saw his best friend fucking die but hey you know)

Just. He wasn’t written to be a person. He was written to be an inconvenience that was swept under the rug-- ALSO I WANTED TO SEE A MOB. WHERE WAS MY HELLFIRE CLUB OUTRUNNING THE YUPPIES. If I don’t get more Satanic panic next season I’m mutineering.

So in conclusion: hypocritical interpretation and demonisation and/or woobifying. Keep it away from me. Keep my boy's name outta your mouth if you're gonna slander it then turn around and be all googoo eyed at the other, arguably shittier boy. Conclusion of conclusion: I love Jason and I will braid Billy's mullet. Also Jason was right to call Eddie out for harassing ppl in the cafeteria :P ok done being a bastard

13 : Who is your least favorite character in the fandom you RP in? List three admirable traits about them.

UHM. I love all of them, your honour. WAIT-- Except that lady Hopper slept with in season 1. CAN'T YOU TELL A BITCH BE DEPRESSED? give him a hug or smth don't nag him for the D and get huffy that he don't wanna give you the D 'cos a KID JUST WENT MISSING AND HIS FRIEND SUPPOSEDLY KILLED HIMSELF like jesus murphy No admirable traits no sympathy get outta jimbo's house

[dimadimoo]

Hi. So, this is my first post on this blog and it just so happens to be my birthday. I’m 28 now. What’s really cool is that today’s the exact day I was born. I was born on a Wednesday, and today is also a Wednesday. Isn't that cool? I had to wait seven years for my birthday to land on the same day again. 

I can’t believe I’m officially a grown ass adult man but honestly, I still feel like I’m 19. Not much has changed since then... or maybe a lot has. I got really depressed. The start of 2024 was the lowest point of my life, like the darkest pit I’ve ever been in. I hated it, I hated my life. But honestly, I don’t think I could ever truly hate myself. I think I’m a pretty cool, fun guy. It’s just that life is shit and it keeps making me feel like shit and just driving me insane.

Turning 28 scares me. I don’t feel ready to be a "real" adult with responsibilities and all that. Maybe if my life was different or wasn't so depressing, I’d be so excited about it. But right now 28 just feels like an expiration date.. Like, most people by 28 have their shit together—careers, families, businesses, traveling the world, partners, whatever. And here I am, still trying to figure it out. I’m not there yet. Not even close.

I’ve spent most of my life battling depression and suicidal. Just wasting time, pretending to be someone I’m not, even around my own family. Failed friendships, no romantic love despite having a few real life crushes. I haven’t even been able to do the things I really want to do in life. Constant family drama, financial stress, rejections, and just a lot of depressing stuff… blergh. And honestly, I still don’t know who I really am or what I want to do with my life. I don’t have a vision or a future, really. Most of times, I feel like an alien, just here to observe life from the outside. I mean, yeah, I’ve learned a lot about life, human civilization and technology, history and cultures, creativity, music, sex, food, religions, spirituality, my existence, yeah all that stuff. But have I really lived? Not really. I want to live life, not just watch it go by and then realize I haven’t done anything.

But today, I’m not feeling depressed or sad at all. I’m actually happy. I started this blog as my own therapy, and I’m writing my first post on my birthday, on the exact day I was born. That’s gotta mean something, right? I feel like I’m finally starting to discover a bit of who I am like, a piece of "my identity". Like, fun fact, I’m more of a stereotypical Gemini than my actual sign, Virgo. There’s so much I haven’t figured out about myself, but I think other people around me have seen it. I wish I could be more honest with myself and the people around me.

I’m tired of this dangerous, toxic people pleasing mentality and tendency of me. I want to be unapologetically real and honest. It’s hard, but I need to do it. Just straight up say "No, I want this. Respect my choice, and if you don’t like it, fuck you." I need to stop giving a fuck about what people think, yes, even my mom and sis. But I still feel like I'm a really selfish bad guy. I don't want to be a villain to those around me. But what if I am? Will a lightning from heaven struck me and killed me on the spot? I don't know. Here we go again with my overthinking.

Oh and there’s this guy I had a crush on. Met him on Discord. He’s from the Philippines, and we’ve been talking for like five months—almost every day. But lately, I’ve been too busy, and my brain’s been in full meltdown mode, hahaha. I liked him, almost romantically, but not anymore. I thought he was my soulmate, but now, I don’t know man. Even though we’re on the same wavelength and vibe well and stuff, I still feel disconnected from him, honestly, from everyone in my life. I just don’t feel compatible with anybody.

And there’s no way I’d end up with him. The old me thought he was “the one,” but naahh. He lives far away from me and he's a bi and there are just too many things that make me go, “Hmm not for me.” and other circumstances (me). But anyway, that’s just a highlight reel of my life in the past few years, I think. So yeah. Am I excited about what’s next? Not really. I still wanting to leave this reality behind and escape to the one I’ve created in my head, where I can finally meet him... my true love. I love and miss him so much. And to live a life that meant for me. I’ll get there someday… my true home. I just know I will.

Anyway, here’s to being 28. Happy birthday to me.