#wow i finally posted on this blog again

[necrotic-nephilim]

Sorry if this might be a rude question but why don’t you just make a seperate account for your nsfw fics?

not rude, it's a valid question! tbh it's a combination of a couple reasons.

i started posting anonymous dead dove batcest fics long before i had the balls to make a tumblr. at first i was content to just leave them unassociated with each other because i didn't really care about them being tied to me. i made this blog to actually show solidarity to my partner who wanted to make a sideblog for Sandman comic stuff so we could cheerlead each other and be brave together, since i've wanted to make a batcest sideblog but i've been nervous about actually having to get it going. (mal ik you're reading this go be brave and actually make your blog so i can cheerlead you damnit-) only did it dawn on me then that i should probably mention the fics i've written on the blog after like, three of them were posted anonymously. and it would've annoyed me to have half of them anonymous and half of them not, because notifications for them would've gone in different places. i could go back and take my fics off anon if i wanted to, but i can't switch the account they're on without taking them down entirely and that'd fuck over people who have them bookmarked already.

which, ties into my second reason, if i made an entire second ao3 account it'd be harder for me to see notifications, reply to stuff, and post things for both accounts because i'd have to constantly switch. and honestly i'd be terrified of accidentally posting on the wrong one on a brain fog day. posting fics is always the most tedious part of writing them for me lol. it's easier for me to stay logged into one account and have all of my stuff in one place for me and just use the anonymous collection when i feel like it. if ao3 pseuds worked like tumblr blogs, where you can't see all my side blogs but i can, i would've used pseuds, but since you can see all pseuds on an ao3, i felt it was a moot point.

and the last reason is i just feel more comfortable being anonymous on ao3 because of the rise in anti culture. on tumblr it's very easy for me to just filter that out and find the people i want to follow and block the people i don't. i don't mind getting hate, on tumblr or on ao3. but i think, for whatever reason you want to blame it on, there's been a massive boom of antis on ao3 who are very entitled about how they read on ao3. i tag extensively, but i just feel safer from getting targeted attacks if everything i write on ao3 isn't attached to one profile. if people like a fic i wrote, want to find more i always link my tumblr in the notes, but if an anti wants to get huffy with me, they can't easily track down my other things. they definitely could if they wanted to, but being anonymous on ao3 just makes me feel more secluded, in a weird way. it's like saying "if you want you can come find me but on here i'm just a weird faceless guy throwing stuff in the void". i've used ao3's anon feature a lot, actually, i used to be a hydra trash party dumpster kid back when that was in it's prime.

i also used to be vaguely popular on a different tumblr blog and my main ao3 and while i think it'd definitely be cool if i got a decent chunk of followers on this blog too, i don't really miss having fanfiction do so well i got targetted hate on all of my fics from the same people, i had my fics stolen, etc. it was really exhausting for me. i have 120+ works on ao3, not counting what's anonymous, and that level of exposure tires me, even when i use my main ao3 to post things that aren't trashy. it's just a weird feeling knowing so many people are subscribed to you on ao3 and what if you post something they won't like because you jumped fandoms again, or you're posting something niche, or you don't think it fills enough fandom tropes to be well-liked. i used to obsessively think like that, and it made me not write the things i wanted to because i cared about numbers. and i don't want to slide back into that hole. writing on anonymous is mostly to remind myself i wrote this for me, and if other people like it, they can come find me, but i don't have to perform like that anymore. if i get a really weird fucked up idea, i can write the really weird fucked up idea. at the end of the day, just makes me more comfortable! but i get it's a super confusing set up from an outsider perspective so, i really don't mind the question, thank you for asking!!

[6okuto]

.! lets try this one more tiem.

#scawed to share writing blog so i will keep it to myself for now. u may have seen me already. @wifeiy - new sipsoop. personal or something. i dont know. figuring it out. only follow if u really like (seeing) me. 18+. EIGHTEEN!! in case the freaky demons catch me slipping. as they do. if i expose my writing blog it will b there. or the writing blog. i odntknwo. goodbye!

MEOW!

masterlists — .txt posts

[littl3d0ll-art]

It always makes me so happy when an artist I recognize likes my art… like woah, I like your art and you also like mine??? No way

[moeblob]

Right's right. She does want to see it (but they refuse to tell her what it is because Right thinks it's best left a surprise).

[hollowknightinsanity]

hollow knight is so goddamn difficult to play on keyboard + mouse

maybe its just me bc im used to using a controller but. oh my god. this literally hurts my poor wrists

[microwavetoaster-selfships]

I know I'm sort of rapid-posting here a little bit but I've been really wanting to read the Chasing Storm book again but because I can't at the moment I'm rewatching Cars 3 and I'm realizing more and more I have less and less proper reasoning if I get questioned why I like him.

Which I'm now giggling over remembering how I used to skip over the entire middle part of the movie because I just wanted the bits of him in the beginning and ending segments. First movie that I learned every entire bit of dialog to. I used to do the dishes to that movie playing.

[l-tora-l-archived]

Hello (again :6) !!!

[flowerfieldz]

it's so funny when I'm experiencing the peak of a hyperfixation bc I'm really over here watching videos of drag queens performing the exact same 3 numbers over and over and I am giggling and rolling around and kicking my feet like a schoolgirl with a crush and I also have heart eyes

[kyouka-supremacy]

Three years and I've FINALLY found the original post that I read all that time ago!!! Except it's just another “I've heard it somewhere” so we're back to square one 😭😭

I hope the person who made the post “Oda was holding Dazai's face in his last moments so that his ability could nullify his own and wouldn't have had to go through his death twice” knows the thought haunts me every day

[archiverstappen]

the cat sitter (part 13) ✧ max verstappen

max verstappen x fem! reader

previous part | masterlist | next part

loosely inspired by the story on how max lost his cat

[twitter]

[instagram]

maxverstappen1

liked by landonorris and 4.920.557 others

maxverstappen1 My crazy cat lady is finally back

view all 5.782 comments

yourusername GUYS DONT WORRY NO CATS WERE HARMED WHILE TAKING THIS PHOTO 🧎‍♀️

↳ username 🤨🤨🤨 suspicious

↳ yourusername BELIEVE ME PLEASE I WOULD NEVER PUT MY KIDS IN DANGER. I WOULD RISK MAX’S WELL BEING TO PROTECT THEM🫂

↳ maxverstappen1 WOW

yourusername starting to wonder, will there ever be a day where you finally post a decent picture of me 🙍‍♀️

↳ maxverstappen1 No

↳ yourusername there will be repercussions for your action

username I LOVE THEM SO MUCH

danielricciardo Okay now i get where the name ‘crazy cat lady’ came from

landonorris 👀👀👀 hehehe yourusername

↳ yourusername sHHHHHHHHH

sophiekumpen 😁🧡

username ANOTHER NON RACE RELATED POST FROM MAX?!?! WE WON

↳ username and it’s of y/n🥹 HE’S DEFINITELY IN LOVE

username SO WE’RE NOT GOING TO TALK ABOUT HOW MAX WROTE “MY crazy cat lady”

↳ username REAL, FRIENDS DONT DO WHAT THEY DO😩

[messages]

[instagram]

yourusername

liked by maxverstappen1 and 178 others

yourusername not fast just furious

view all 12 comments

maxverstappen1 SIIIIIUUU

maxverstappen1 Told you I’m a good teacher

↳ yourusername couldn’t see the road properly because my vision was blurry from all the tears that i held

↳ landonorris YOU MADE HER CRY?! maxverstappen

bffusername i jusT KNOW that the driving lessons were chaotic, but props to max for doing something no human being can afford to do 🥹

↳ yourusername iM A GOOD STUDENT!!!!

↳ maxverstappen1 Half of the lessons were filled with her having a breakdown, and the other half were filled with Y/N saying “huh” because she couldn’t hear my instructions through “Tokyo Drift” that was playing in the background

↳ bffusername sounds like the y/n i know 👍

bffusername ANYWAY so excited to finally be yor passenger princess 😘

↳ yourusername i would love to drive you around, but i still don’t know how to park 😁

friendusername Remember that time when you hit my mother’s car in high school? 😂 Look how far you’ve come!!

↳ yourusername THIS STILL KEEPS ME UP AT NIGHT!! IM SO SORRY MRS MARTIN 😭

[twitter]

[instagram]

[messages]

[notes]

[twitter]

[messages]

[twitter]

[messages]

[twitter]

-

author’s note: IT’S FINALLY HERE!!! i really hope you guys like this one 🧎🏻‍♀️

taglist: : @flwr-stella @reidsworld @myloverjk-blog @debss-319 @hiraethrhapsody @electrobutterfly @love4lando @lunnnix @allenajade-ite @jjsprobablywrong @whoreks @soleilgrec @oscarwildingsworld @christianpulisic10 @thievin-stealing @glitterf1 @elliegrey2803 @trouble-sistar @escapism-writer @cornerofacry @hollie9111 @weasleyswizarding-wheezes @ad-astra-again @canyon-lwt @thecubanator2 @lifesuckslife @leclercloml @sunny44 @nmw-am @sachaa-ff @multilovebot @glow-ish @moneygramhaas @whitefireproofs @icarus-nex @iloveyou3000morgan @ccallistata @copper-boom @fictionalcharacterslut @celesteblack08 @maxiel-jpg @slytherheign @lunyyx @series-books-food @coffeehurricanes @shrimpyshrimp @somanyfandomsbruh @justcallmeelli @laneyspaulding19 @ironmaiden1313

pictures (c) to pinterest and instagram

[kalloway]

a (very tiny, hence the crispy thumbnail lmao please click on it to fix that) WIP crop of one of two things im currently working on hahaha

as it turns out, having one project on my iPad (in Procreate) and another on my PC (in Clip Studio) is the only reasonable way I can actually work on more than one drawing at the same time lmao

[etheralisi]

I’ve been thinking about in-universe media so. Heh. Why don’t we tumblrify the ending of the rottmnt movie

Update: here’s part 2 and 3+3.5

💫silent_swirl Follow

Nice knowing you guys

🥐ittybittyypastrypuff Follow

Wtf??? Where do you live?

���️lordoftimeandspace Follow

You can’t just ask someone where they live

💰rhymeonthedime Follow

op must be from new york. i’ve been trying to text my sister who lives there all day and when she finally gets back to me, it’s to send me a photo of her being chased by some weird??? fleshy???? car? i think the pink stuff was growing inside of it?

🥐ittybittyypastrypuff Follow

The hell is happening in your city?

🔥guess-ill-die Follow

The end of the world

🐛lugbugg Follow

🎙️do-re-mimimi Follow

Where else would you learn that?

14,056 notes

🚀jj-sails Follow

Alien invasion???? This is not how Jupiter Jim said it would go

267 notes

🦙dramallama Follow

So who had alien invasion on the 2020 apocalypse bingo card

🤠see-you-in-space-cowboy Follow

At this point no one is surprised 

#give it two months. somehow something will find a way to top this

12,435 notes

⚔️ bluejitsu Follow

I lived bitch

🌑faded-moonlight Follow

Context?

⚔️ bluejitsu Follow

No ✨

43 notes

🎨 asprinkleofrazzmatazz Follow

Sorry everyone  ::> ︵ <:: No more art until my hands are healed up. Doctor’s orders

🧸bear-with-me Follow

Are you okay? 🥺🥺💞

🎨 asprinkleofrazzmatazz Follow

♡ ♡ Achy. But I realllllly want to drawwwwwww

#I have so many ideas right now #currently trying and failing to draw with feet #but I am determined 

226 notes

👾aliens-among-us Follow

Time to storm Area 51 again

#they can’t stop all of us #look I just want to see aliens in person okay #if they can’t invade my city then what’s the point #I know they have to be keeping some of those pink blobs in there

67 notes

🟦 outoftouchoutoftime Follow

Hello

🏒 hockeyordeath Follow

JUNIOR! HELLO

I SEE YOU HAVE DISCOVERED THE INTERNET

🟦 outoftouchoutoftime Follow

It’s Sensei’s fault

⚔️ bluejitsu Follow

#I?????? #don’t just look at me it was purple too

5 notes

🛸 atomiclass9000 Follow

I smell the scent of betrayal in the air.

#not science posting #blue I’m looking at you

77 notes

✍️writingprompts Follow

You are a time traveller sent back to stop the apocalypse before it ever began. Only problem is: you aren’t sent back far enough.

🟦 outoftouchoutoftime Follow

Relatable 

💥zipzapzoom Follow

Umm???

4,522 notes

🕜has-lou-jitsu-been-found-yet Follow

Day 3667 of me posting: no

🪽angelofhell Follow

Wow this blog is dedicated

101 notes

🐝 dizzee-bee Follow

Why do aliens always invade NYC? What’s so special? Why don’t they ever invade Las Vegas huh? What about Boston? Where are my aliens in D.C? So many cities and you’re telling me they chose New York? If aliens really did invade I bet you they wouldn’t even come near it

🐝 dizzee-bee Follow

This post… aged

🐾 ultimate_cataclysm  Follow

Pay up op

1,356 notes

🦊redfoxtrott Follow

there’s something weird going on in this city. remember that time at the stadium? suddenly it’s a free for all on world domination i swear

🪩glitter-jam Follow

I thought the whole stadium thing was a publicity stunt

👋saysayonara Follow

I thought that was a rogue cosplayer 

#for real though. What even happened to them?

11,388 notes

🌎yes-the-earth-is-flat Follow

Wow. So tumblr thinks it can gaslight me int thinking aliens exits huh? Well think again

🌎yes-the-earth-is-flat Follow

Stop bringing up my username. You know im right

2,488 notes

🏒 hockeyordeath Follow

NO, MY KEYBOARD IS NOT STUCK LIKE THIS. EVERY LETTER I TYPE IS AS IT IS MEANT TO BE SAID. WITH PURPOSE AND VOLUME.

🏒 hockeyordeath Follow

IF MY USERNAME COULD BE IN CAPITALS YOU KNOW IT WOULD BE 

🛸 atomiclass9000 Follow

I can help with this

#give me one minute and some flavourless juice

122 notes

💃disco-girl Follow

My apartment was almost flattened by a giant freakin robot a few years back. And now aliens????? I’m moving

#guys I’m just. So. Done with all of this

67 notes

🎙️do-re-mimimi Follow

So did the aliens just up and leave? What’s the story here?

🎩man-with-a-top-hat Follow

There have been various sightings of lights across the sky. I have not been able to find any reliable sources on the cause, but the general consensus is the lights pushed the aliens back where they came from. 

🦇batarang Follow

This photo of some person swinging around the city has been making rounds on twitter

🐚seashellsshesells Follow

Pretty lights and vigilantes? 

5,993 notes

❌cant-think-of-a-user Follow

So what are we calling these aliens? They need a cool, alien sounding name ‘cuz all I’ve been seeing around is ‘land squids’, ‘brain goop’ and shoutout to that one discord user who used the words ‘pink gelatinous parsnip’ to describe them.

👊punch-moodi Follow

Have they ever seen a parsnip before?

🤏deadly-nerve-pinch Follow

What about Utroms? They kinda look like the aliens from Jupiter Jim’s Last Trip to the Moon 9

❌cant-think-of-a-user Follow

Isn’t your fandom super dead?

🤏deadly-nerve-pinch Follow

Say that to our 80+ movies. Your faves could never 

🚀jj-sails Follow

Fandom still going strong 💪 

🍎almond-apple Follow

Why does everyone keep on calling them aliens? Are we sure they’re not just failed government test subjects? Haven’t there been mutant sightings in NYC before?

❌cant-think-of-a-user Follow

Sorry, mutants???

👾aliens-among-us Follow

Nah it’s defo aliens

❌cant-think-of-a-user Follow

#so far 3 votes for Utroms and 22 for parsnips #sigh

3,751 notes

🫎duck-duck-moose Follow

Children are terrifying 

💤needsomezzzzzzz Follow

Agreed. But I feel like there’s a story here

🫎duck-duck-moose Follow

Was walking back from work, and I was like nearly home right? I turn a corner and there: a sea of cheering girl scouts. Who are they cheering on you ask? Their… cult (?) leader? Tearing one of those aliens apart with her bare hands. And the kids are just laughing and some are even joining in? They must have nerves of steel

💤needsomezzzzzzz Follow

Woah

🌽 sherlock_corn Follow

@  HOCKEYORDEATH Hey look at this

372 notes

💀outoftouchoutoftime Follow

Set a profile picture because apparently everyone’s blocking me thinking I’m a bot?

🥊 red_hotsoup Follow

Sorry CJ

9 notes

asprinkleofrazzmatazz said: Spread the sunshine ☀️ Post this in at least 5 ask boxes to let them know they make you happy

🥊 red_hotsoup Follow

Aww, hey Orange

⚔️ bluejitsu Follow

Hey, where’s my ask

⚔️ bluejitsu Follow

Orange?

⚔️ bluejitsu Follow

Oh 

10 notes

asprinkleofrazzmatazz said: Spread the bugs 🪳 Post this in at least 5 ask boxes to let them know they’re bugging you

⚔️ bluejitsu Follow

Two can play at this game

🎨asprinkleofrazzmatazz Follow

Jk ☀️☀️☀️

29 notes

🛸 atomiclass9000 Follow

I remember the good old days on tumblr. Back when my brothers didn’t know the name of my account. Back when they didn’t bug me in my inbox

🍞shortbutsweetbread Follow

Then make another one?

🛸 atomiclass9000 Follow

Gasp. And leave behind a username such as this? I’m attached.

🌽 sherlock_corn Follow

What about your sister?

🛸 atomiclass9000 Follow

You’re fine

⚔️ bluejitsu Follow

Favouritism 

128 notes

🐱sophinophie Follow

Whoever you heroes are

Thank you.  

❤️🧡💜💙

#I don’t know how you did it. Or what you even look like #but one thing is for sure and that’s that you are heroes 

189 notes

[blorbocedes]

BLONDE TWINK BARES IT ALL! GETS A MASSAGE ;)

williams!era nico gets a massage by dr.dot for RTL in a video that looks like a casting couch bad porn intro. 1/2/2009

below i explain the lengths i went to find this 👇 its v long

so our story starts a few months ago when i began frantically dming my oldest nicologist friend @colors-of-feeling if she remembered this video. I had only half remembered recollections at this point, and i really only remembered the video because it looks so much like a casting couch porn intro. I know I screenshot it but I went through my gallery and couldn't find it. i knew I had seen it a very long time ago and care is one of my first mutuals, so anything nico I've seen she's seen. she doesn't rmbr 😓

now im like holy shit did i make it up. still i plead care to turn her archive public so i can go through it. no luck. i went through my own archive, even though i know I didn't reblog it because it had been a youtube link instead of the video. and i regretted it so bad, because i know that low quality few hundred or thousand views videos from 2000s is basically lost footage because youtubes search is basically incomprehensible. I also went through the archives of other blogs that nico posted back in 2021 for any sign that I didn't just project and Imagine it. no luck.

feeling defeated i go to my final hope, the nicologist of all nicologists @distantlaughter... with only half baked and increasingly hysterical descriptors "umm its like a casting couch video! a boat! but the boat is parked 🤔 maybe the masseuse had pigtails" i rambled, normally like a normal person.

ren the absolute darling immediately pops up with a video of shirtless nico get massaged. its not.

and another one. not that either 😓 we underestimated just how much nico posted getting a shirtless massage.

finally. FINALLY. ren dms me like 10 seconds of this video hidden in a nico rosberg compilation fan video that is even in worse quality. but it's this video!!!!!! it EXISTS!!! im not crazy....... but that 3 pixel collage was proof that it was real, but alas not post worthy. There was an RTL logo in the corner so in one final futile search, we searched RTL archives which unfortunately did not go far enough. We were doing literal detective work like from the 10 seconds of the fanvid we concluded it was like, probably an RTL monaco promo video hence the coastline and the boat, and given nico's hair length it must be williams (or 2010 merc). but nothing further than that. still ren is the absolute goat nicologist who figured it out from just my descriptions alone 🙏🙏🙏

with that I ended my search, knowing it was real at least, even if it wasn't the full video.

today i got a storage full notification. so I started frantically deleting random videos I had on my phone from years. and buried in august 9, 2022 almost exactly TWO years ago . was 5 seconds of this video and the when the screen recording closed you could see it was from a video called Dr. Dot.

this time im posting the video, im also going to ask @argentinagp to gif it so this buried, almost lost footage less than 1k youtube video can get a second life again, and so we can all enjoy weird late 2000s whoring drivers out. ❤️

all of this could be avoided if simply 2 years ago I had reblogged and tagged the original link. archival work is often thankless and pointless but wow, sometimes it can feel so rewarding. so enjoy!

which brings me to the most important part. doesn't he totally look like a twink in a bad porno here?

[sugrhigh]

BOY NEXT DOOR 4 - ( c.s )

part three

summary- you and your roommates live beside a bunch of senior hockey players, one of them being the infamous team captain chris sturniolo. he’s effortlessly flirty and undeniably attractive, but he’s also a pain in your ass. you find that you have to fight between lust and hatred as you finally get to know the boy next door, whether you want to or not.

warnings- cursing, slightly suggestive MEOW

neighbor/hockey!chris x fem!reader

a/n: PART FOUR! i promise u guys are not ready for what’s coming next 🫨 thank u to everyone who’s been reading along i love u all so very much!! my inbox is always open and i hope ur having a wonderful day (also doesn’t that first pic look so much like chris i screamed)

@cutenote @mattybsbitch @mattsmunch @breeloveschris @l9vesick @bb-1s-blog @sturnifyed @julessspoetry @annamcdonalds67 @beijhe @gnxosblog @braindead4l @hearts4matty @orangeypepsi @luckistar-posts @angelworldspost @ponyosturniolo @rainyenthusiastdaze @cupidsword @sturnvvz @wurlibydominicfike @mattswrld @yoursopretty15 @poopydroopt @latinasforchrizz @bernardsleftbootycheek @trilliwarner @hearts4chris @rubyjaneaxx @reallykaz @sturnlvrs

“wow, someone looks extra hot tonight.” cassidy comments as she walks into your room, which is laughable coming from her.

she’s an angel, literally glowing in her multi-colored halter. you swear you shop at the same places, and yet she somehow always finds the gems.

“god, says you.” you joke, unable to keep a straight face as you stand up from your desk.

but you’re all done up too, dressed in a red tube top and some black jeans that flare out a little, hugging your hips just right. and yeah, you’re a bit smug knowing that you’re going to chris’s party looking extra great, but you embrace the post-pregame confidence.

“are you sure you want to go? we really don’t have to.” cass asks as you pass by her into the upstairs hallway.

“i mean, why not? i can never turn down free alcohol.” you shrug, and it’s part of the truth.

paying for yourself at the bar is never as fun, and the chances of somebody buying your drinks is usually slim. plus it’s on shithead’s tab tonight, which makes it that much sweeter.

“i totally agree. i just…” her smile falters a little, and she sighs, “i just don’t want you to get hurt or anything.”

it makes you pause, hearing her say that. you’d ended up talking to both of your roommates after chris came knocking on your bedroom door, and they’d been rightfully wary of his excuse.

but her words kind of confirm your worries; that chris is someone to be feared, someone to keep at a distance. like you won’t be able to resist the charm.

like you’ll fall.

“he can’t hurt me if i don’t let him.” you reply, and you’re not sure if you’re trying to convince her or yourself.

“okay, i won’t push it. i know you’re tough, but i can’t help but check in.” cass nods at you before you head down the stairs.

“i appreciate it, but i’m good, so let’s go get bombed.” you’re grinning again, still buzzing from the two drinks you’d finished while doing your makeup.

ramona is already downstairs, bopping along to the beat of the music she has playing on the tv. she’s midway through a shot of tequila as you round the corner to the kitchen, swallowing so she can bite down on a slice of lime with her free hand.

you and cassidy both chuckle at the grimace that passes over her face.

“you ready party animal?” cass teases.

“always.” she replies once she’s calm, placing the tiny glass into the sink before screwing the cap back onto the bottle of alcohol.

each of you shove your old beat up shoes onto your feet, and mona turns off the television seconds after. you can still feel the bass vibrating, but you know it’s coming from the house beside you, which makes your heart jump into your throat.

you walk out the door, one behind the other like a row of ducks as you trample through the thin layer of snow from a few days prior.

tonight, you can tell chris has his own mix on, because you recognize the yeat song that’s currently playing. you’ve always liked his taste more than the others.

you’ll never admit that to him, though.

it’s way louder now that you’re up close, and you can literally feel the party raging. ramona leads the pack, stepping inside and swinging the door open for the rest of you.

the darkness swallows you once you step inside, but your eyes adjust quickly. you recognize some people as you shift through the crowd, regulars who are usually here and a couple of guys on the team.

you try not to look for chris, instead choosing to focus on the back of ramona’s head while you guys shuffle to the kitchen for drinks. there’s a few people chatting as you step through the archway, one of them being ben. his sandy blonde hair is pushed away from his face, and he smiles at your arrival.

“hey there neighbors!” he greets each of you guys with a side hug, clearly already drunk even though it’s only eleven.

you just thank god he set his cup down, because you know he would have spilled it all over.

“benjamin, always a pleasure.” cassidy laughs at his slightly sloppy demeanor.

“chris is gonna be really happy.” ben shoots a smirk your direction, and you roll your eyes, opting to move to the bottles of cheap vodka on the counter.

“i really don’t care.” you snark, pouring a hefty bit of alcohol into your cup before setting the handle back down.

“feisty tonight, woah!” he holds his hands up in surrender.

your friends follow close behind, making their own drinks and pouring them equally as strong.

“where’s your girl, benny? haven’t seen her around in a minute.” ramona asks with a small smile, clearly trying to change the subject.

“she’s out at the bar. girls night or something.” ben shrugs as you add some sprite to your drink and take a sip.

it’s extremely bitter even with the mixer, but you choke it down and deal with the burn. you’re still not tipsy enough, so you’re playing catch-up to try and reach the level you want to be at.

mona nods at this as she slides back up next to you, cassidy joining moments later when she’s done making her drink.

“well, tell her to come around soon, i miss her.” she requests.

“i miss her too, i’ll pass the message along.” ben points a finger at her like he’s locking in a promise, loopy grin morphing his features.

“alright, we’re going to dance, but i’m sure we’ll see you later.” cass waves her free hand goodbye before you all make your way back into the masses, shoving your way into the living room.

it’s pretty packed tonight, as usual, and a sheen layer of sweat already covers your skin. you run a hand through your hair while cassidy meshes into the crowd, making enough room for you guys to move around.

bodies bump against yours as you all dance to the music together, sipping your drinks and laughing at each other’s silly moves. you swear you’ve seen connor now too, and yet you still haven’t spotted chris.

you suppose this is a good thing, because the sensation of being inebriated is only just beginning to wash over your body, and you don’t want to deal with him sober.

so you dance, and drink, and dance and drink some more, letting the hazy lights illuminate you as you bop around with your friends.

you’re knocking back the last of your fifth beverage of the night when you feel someone come up behind you, hand snaking to hold your waist gently. your first assumption is chris, and your heart leaps into your throat, but you’re wrong.

it’s a guy you don’t recognize. his black tapered hair is a mess on his head as he gazes at you hungrily.

“dance with me?” he asks over the music.

cassidy and ramona are seconds away from stepping in, but you shake your head at them to indicate you’re fine. for once, you don’t really mind being hit on, especially because he’s kind of cute and you’re definitely drunk.

it’s not like it means anything anyways.

so you back up slightly, his front flush against your spine as you move your hips, rolling them into his own.

your friends grin devilishly as the two of you sway together, so close it almost feels like you’re one person. his hand presses flat against your stomach, holding you so he can feel the friction of your ass grinding against him.

you swear it’s only been a second before the crowd parts slightly, revealing a pissed-off looking chris as he barrels his way past the other people in the living room. his eyes are ablaze, and he yanks you away from the mystery man the second he’s close enough.

“get lost, jamie.” he snaps at the boy you were with, whose eyes are wide in fear now.

he must be an underclassman then, because he scurries away instantly, too scared to stand his ground against the captain of the team and the host of the party.

“what the fuck, chris? i was having fun.” you cross your arms over your chest, slurring ever so slightly as you glare at him.

he doesn’t respond to this; instead, his chest heaves like he just ran a marathon, and his dark gaze trails up and down your body. he grabs your wrist and tugs you toward the staircase without a reply.

your friends watch in awe as he drags you away, though neither of them bother to interfere. they’re swallowed by the swarm moments later, and your stomach flips at the fact that they’re gone.

it’s just you and him now.

the foyer blurs by as you reach the stairs, and you nearly stumble trying to keep up with his pace. you’ve only just made it to the privacy of the upstairs hall when chris drops your arm, whirling around to face you.

“what is wrong with you?”

your mouth falls open slightly at his tone, at how animalistic he looks standing before you, blocking you against the wall. his white shirt is unbuttoned slightly, and you can smell that fucking dior on him.

“what the hell does that mean?” you retaliate, already flushed in anger.

“i didn’t even know you could dance like that, let alone with my teammate.” chris snarls.

“everyone can dance, and i had no idea he was on the team. it’s not like you were talking to me anyways.” you stand your ground, meeting his judgmental gaze head on.

“did you want me to?”

“i mean, you’re the one who invited me to this stupid party, so i kind of expected to at least see you.” you tell him truthfully, and you know it’s the alcohol talking now.

“one second you hate me and the next you’re angry i’m not giving you attention. i can’t figure you out, and it drives me fucking crazy.” he continues to stare down at you in frustration, glancing between your eyes and your lips.

you hate how fast your heart is slamming against your ribcage. every time he’s this close to you it’s like the air is sucked out of the room. you can’t even breathe.

“why did you really pull me away, chris?” you ask quietly.

you already know the answer, but you want to hear him say it out loud for once.

“because you should only be moving that pretty ass of yours against me.” his voice is low, and he takes a step forward.

you cancel out his movement, completely backed up against the wall now. he can’t help but let his eyes roam down to your chest, to your exposed cleavage.

you’ve been taunting him all night, though you weren’t even aware. chris has just been watching you in your element, staying to himself and letting you do your thing with your friends for a bit.

after his last conversation with you he felt like maybe he should back off, but then seeing you with somebody else was even worse. it shouldn’t be this way, he shouldn’t be so fucking obsessed so soon.

but you’re looking at him with those wide eyes, soft lips parted, and there’s no way to resist. one hand travels to the back of your neck and the other grabs at your waist, pulling you into his own hips as he smashes his mouth to yours.

it’s somehow even more passionate than the first time, messy and rough, how you both like it most. chris bites down on your bottom lip as he pulls away a minute later, kissing your cheek and jaw, then down your neck.

his cold fingers make their way underneath the hem of your shirt as you feel his teeth close down on the sensitive skin. a strangled moan escapes your mouth before you can bite it back.

“i like that sound a lot, princess.” he says into your ear before his lips focus on that hollow sweet spot you love so much.

you know he’s going to leave a mark, but it feels so good you don’t care. yet you choke down the whimper you feel crawling up, unwilling to give him the satisfaction of hearing how much you like it.

“c’mon, i know you want to.” he mumbles against your throat, and you can literally feel him smirking.

arrogant bastard. two can play at this game.

you put your hands on his chest so you can drive him backwards into the opposite wall. he’s surprised by you taking the lead, and you press your body flat against his, connecting your mouths roughly once more.

chris’s hands roam to grip your ass, a delicious pressure that you shouldn’t enjoy so much. your fingers nimbly travel to the waist of his jeans, and you feel his body tense under your touch.

you can’t help but grin into his lips as you move your hand lower, underneath the band of his boxers, grazing the warm skin of his hip tantalizingly slow.

you shift your focus to his own neck, sucking harshly and running your tongue over his skin until you finally hear him groan, a noise that you relish. his fingers dig into your flesh harder, and you can feel him grind against your thigh.

but you already got what you wanted, so you break away and take a step backwards. the shock on chris’s face after your abrupt departure is clear, his lips raw and hair tousled.

“and you had the nerve to imply that i’m the one who wanted this.” you smile and shake your head, making a move toward the stairs.

“you’re seriously just going to leave?” he asks in disbelief, which makes you turn.

“what did you think was going to happen, chris?” you smirk, tucking a stray hair behind your ear before swiping your thumb along your bottom lip.

his own mouth slowly turns up as he stares at you with a certain kind of ferocity in his eyes, adjusting his shirt and running a hand through his messy hair.

“nothing, i guess. but whatever we didn’t get to will happen eventually, you know.”

“no, it won’t.” you reply, a bit too quickly to be convincing.

“i think it will. who knows, maybe next time you’ll let me use my mouth somewhere else.” chris says lowly, hand ghosting across your hip as he passes by you, looking over his shoulder at you with an expression of self-satisfaction.

then he heads back down the stairs, vanishing around the corner like nothing had even happened.

days ago you were swearing up and down that you’d never kiss him again, that nothing would happen. and now you’re standing alone in his house while the music thumps, knees weak and breathing heavy with a hickey on your neck.

the scariest part of all is that you’re still craving more, even though you don’t want to.

[nocturnalcharm]

A Change in Attitude (Wolverine x Fem!Reader)

𐙚 prompt: everyone knows logan as the gruff man with a grumpy demeanor. but that changes when you’re around 𐙚 cw: sexually suggestive themes (no smut), kinda innocent!reader, dirty minded!logan (heheh i couldn’t resist), can’t think of anything else 𐙚 a/n: thanks for the req! <33 only proofread once bc i was so excited to post hehe

18+ blog!! you are responsible for your own media consumption. if any of the above makes you uncomfortable, do not proceed.

“I’m so glad you accepted my invitation. Well, Charles’ invitation.” Hank was beaming, giving you a tight hug.

“Me too! Being a research assistant isn’t as fun as being an X-Men.” You gushed.

You and Hank had been friends for years, meeting when you were just kids. Your powers developed around the same time, making you lean on each other, since no one else could relate. Recently, he and Charles asked you to join the team, and you excitedly accepted. Who would turn down an opportunity like this?

You didn’t know much about the others, just what Hank told you, which was really just their names and powers, not their personality.

You walked into the building, taking a deep breath and accepting that this would be your life from here on out.

“Everyone’s in Charles’ office.” Hank made you aware. You nodded as he led you there.

Walking inside the office, you saw everyone for the first time. Colossus, Storm, Gambit, Cyclops… and Wolverine.

Logan was looking out the window, not paying attention to anything, while everyone else was thrilled to have a new team member.

“Ah, welcome, (Y/N)!” Charles greeted you. He introduced himself, as if you didn’t already know who he was. He went around the room and also introduced all the X-Men. When he said Logan’s name, he finally looked at you, and your stomach made you feel like you were on a rollercoaster just from his eye contact.

“I was thinking, we could all go out back and give a short demonstration of our powers. Does that sound alright to you?” Charles was so polite.

“Yes, that sounds perfect, Professor.” You smiled brightly.

As everyone shuffled their way to the yard, you caught Logan’s eye again. His frown and furrowed brow faded as he watched you walk outside, staring at you. You blushed, hiding your smile by turning away.

Once outside, everyone spread apart and prepared to show you their powers. They each did a speedy presentation, just showing you what they can do, or explaining their abilities. You cheered for everyone, wowed by what they could do! Yet again, Logan went last.

He stepped forward. “I have regenerative abilities. Oh, and these.” In a flash, he unsheathed his metal claws.

It took your breath away for a moment. “Nice! Very impressive.”

He nodded in thanks, returning to his original spot.

“Your turn, (Y/N).” Hank tapped your shoulder.

“Oh, yeah. Um.. My ability is bioluminescence. My hair glows on command, and I can create and throw light. It’s kinda similar to a ball of fire.” You placed your hands together, generating a small ball of light, before throwing it at a target in the yard, hitting a bullseye. The light ripped right through the fabric mark.

You got a few “oo’s” and “ahh’s” from the others, and from some of the students passing by.

“So that’s why your hair is blue! It’s so pretty.” Ororo ran over to you.

“Thanks! I like your hair too.” You smiled at her. You glanced at Logan to see his reaction, and he was already staring at you (again), with a smirk on his face.

“Amazing! So, (Y/N), tomorrow I want you to focus on combat training. While your ability is powerful, you might not always be able to rely on it. So, Logan will train you one-on-one, since he’s our best fighter. I want to see you two together at 8am in the training facility.”

“Yes sir.” You bowed your head in understanding.

The other X-Men dispersed, besides Hank and Logan.

“C’mon, I’ll show you to your room.” Logan walks over to you.

“Uh-” Before you could answer, Hank interjected.

“I’ve got it, Logan.” He replied.

“We’re gonna be training together anyway, might as well show her around. Get to know her.”

“Since when do you ‘get to know’ anyone?”

“Since now. Beat it, bub.”

Hank muttered a quick “I’ll catch up with you later.” And left you to the Wolverine himself.

Logan took you on a tour of the mansion, showing you just about every room. You had already forgotten where everything was by the end of it, besides the more important rooms. Throughout the tour, Logan was joking around with you, which you thought was strange. Not in a bad way! Just from his demeanor, you didn’t expect him to be the joking type, but you suppose you read him wrong when you first met. He was cracking you up throughout the entire tour.

Lastly, he led you down a long hallway. “The bathroom’s right here. It’s shared, so lock the door.” He winked. “And this is your room.” It was the last one on the right.

“Where’s your room?” You asked, and he pointed to the door right across from yours. “Oh! Convenient.” You laughed, thinking since you two were paired together, it was funny your rooms were next to each others; You didn’t even realize how it could come across as suggestive. He hid his smug grin.

You walked inside. The room was perfect for you. A nice bed, a closet, wardrobe, mirror, and a big window. There was also a small TV mounted to the wall. It’s all you could have asked for.

“Thanks for the tour!” You said as you walked over to your bags. Assuming Logan would leave you be, you started to unpack.

You pulled out the first packing cube in your suitcase, which just so happened to be filled with your underwear. You opened the wardrobe drawer and started to put away your panties.

“Y’need help unpacking?” You heard Logan’s gruff voice right behind you, making you jump.

“I-” You put your hands behind your back, hiding your underwear. “No, thank you.” A rose tint made its way to your cheeks.

“It’s nothin’ to be embarrassed of. We all wear underwear. You just happen to wear panties with little pink bows on them.” He winked at you.

“Oh my God.” You whisper, “I-I’m good. Thank you, Logan.” You usher him to the door.

“You sure? No matching bra I can help you put away?” He jested.

“Nope! No thank you! I’ll see you tomorrow!” You ushered him out, shutting the door, putting your back against it, and sighing.

Once you had most of your clothes put away, it was already 10pm. You didn’t eat dinner, since you felt too awkward to face Logan after the event that took place earlier. You just decided to take a quick shower, then head to bed.

You grabbed your essentials and went to the bathroom. The halls were quiet and dark, letting you know everyone else was likely already asleep. You showered quickly, wanting to rest up since you had combat training in the morning. Rushing through your routine, you were done in about fifteen minutes.

As you wrapped your towel around your body, you realized you forgot to bring your pajamas into the bathroom.

You groaned in frustration, but assumed it was fine since everyone was already away in their rooms. You grabbed your things and decided to make a run for it. Your room wasn’t too far from the bathroom. You unlocked the door, swinging it open and running— before knocking into something so hard, it made you fall backwards.

“Huh?” You hear a rough voice grunt out. Logan.

Of course it’s him.

You quickly repositioned your towel to cover yourself, while he turned around, confused. Looking down at you, he laughed.

“Are you okay?”

“I forgot my clothes…” You ignored his question, and completely forgot to ask why he’s standing in the middle of the hallway at night.. He offered his hand and you accepted, pulling you up like you weighed nothing. It was impressive. He leaned down, grabbing your shampoo and such for you, while you scurried off to your room. He followed right behind you.

“Sorry.” You apologize, as he sets your things on your dresser.

“Are you okay?” He asked again.

“Mhm, I’m fine. Thank you.”

You two stood there, for what felt like forever, staring at each other, only illuminated by the moonlight shining through your open window. You could use your powers right now, to glow, and light up the room, but you weren’t sure you wanted him to see you in a towel.

“I’m gonna get dressed now.” You break the silence.

“Oh, yeah. Goodnight, (Y/N).” He looked pleased.

“Goodnight, Logan.”

***

You’ve been tossing and turning in your bed for hours, with it now being 1am. You didn’t know why you couldn’t sleep; a new place, the thought of spending alone time with Logan in a few short hours, or the fact that your stomach pinged in pain from not eating dinner.

After wrestling with your thoughts, you decided to go downstairs to the kitchen and get a snack. Just a quick one, to settle your stomach.

You slipped out of your room and headed straight for the pantry. There were dried berries, nuts, jerky; lots of healthy options. You grabbed a small package of trail mix and sat at the bar, tearing it open immediately.

Lost in your snack, you didn’t even see Logan enter the kitchen.

“Shouldn’t you be asleep?” His voice startled you, making you yelp in fear. “Wasn’t trying to scare you, doll.” He laughed.

The nickname made your stomach flip. “I didn’t eat dinner, and I couldn’t go to bed.”

“S’alright. Just messing with you. But you should be sleeping. How else are you gonna take me tomorrow?”

“You mean ‘take you on’?” You emphasized.

“Yeah. Sure... Cute PJ’s.”

You looked down at your clothes; an oversized t-shirt and red plaid shorts. “Ha ha. Thanks.” You responded, sarcastically.

“C’mon, you can finish your snack in your room. You need to sleep.” He helped you up from the stool and walked you to your bedroom.

Once he turned around to go to his own bed, you said “Goodnight, Lo.” Giving him a nickname, since he gave you one.

He stopped in his tracks, and turned around. The smile on his face was something you could stare at forever.

“Goodnight, doll.”

***

The alarm on your phone woke you up, after the few short hours you slept. You dragged yourself out of bed and slipped on a tank top and Nike shorts. Then, you went to the bathroom; brushed your hair, teeth and freshened up before heading to breakfast.

Once you entered the kitchen, there was a lot of people— X-Men, teachers, and students alike. Only the X-Men, who were grouped at a table in the corner, noticed your appearance. Ororo waved you over, so you swiftly grabbed something to eat, and sat down next to her.

“G’morning!” You said, cheerfully, trying to hide your sleepiness.

They all greeted you back.

“How’d you sleep?” Ororo asked, making you glance towards Logan, who was trying to hide his laughter.

“Eh. I couldn’t really.” You shrugged. “Just nerves, I guess.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. That’s terrible, especially since you have to train with Claws over there. He doesn't really take it easy on anyone.” She jokes.

“Don’t worry. I’ll loosen up, just for today.” He had a satirical tone in his voice.

“Aw! Claws has got a heart today, huh!” Ororo laughed.

“Just for (Y/N).” He stood up, taking his now-empty plate over to the sink. You ate quickly, wanting to get a start on your day. Logan noticed your clear bowl, which a few moments ago was inhabited by fruit.

“Let’s go! We’ve got a lot to work on.” His tone was dramatic, teasing.

“Okay, Lo. I’m coming.” You stood from your seat.

Everyone looked at you like you had just sprouted another limb from your forehead.

“What?”

“Nothing.” Hank replied hastily, “Have fun.”

“C’mon.” Logan wrapped an arm around your shoulders in order to hurry you out the door faster.

Walking down the endless hallways of the mansion, you two finally reached the training facility. It was a huge, open room with a tumbling mat covering the floor. On one of the walls was a huge window, looking into a room with stadium seating— no doubt to have students watch and learn.

He started you out with conditioning; jumping jacks, running laps, planking, and everything else you could think of. You had already broken into a sweat after 10 minutes due to his intense regimen.

He continued his teachings, showing you how to throw a proper punch (which he made you test out on his stomach), evading attacks, and good footwork.

“You’re pretty agile. Do you have any background in fighting? Or acrobatics?”

“Yeah, I did gymnastics for 14 years. I’d hope by now I’d be pretty nimble.” You laughed, and he had a look of awe on his face.

Hours later, you were finally putting his teachings into use.

“We’re gonna spar now. I’m not going hit you, but you’re going to really hit me. Okay?”

You looked worried, and your eyes dropped to the ground. “Uh, I don’t know—”

“Hey.” He brought your attention back up to his face. “Regenerative healing. Metal skeleton. You can’t hurt me with your fists or feet. I promise.”

You just nodded.

“So, again. Come at me with everything you got. If you manage to knock me out of the ring, you win. If I pin you down, I win. We’ll stop training for today after this.”

“Okay.” Your voice wavered.

You two walk over to the mat with a big, white circle on it, and stand on opposite sides.

“Ready?” He cocks his head with the faintest smirk on his face, knowing you had just about no chance of winning. Of course you were unaware of that.

“Mhm!”

“Set. Go!”

He immediately runs at you, and the first thing you can think of is to kick his side. You raised your leg, and struck his ribs as hard as you could.

Quickly, so quick you didn’t understand what was happening, he grabbed your leg and pulled, sweeping your legs out from under you. You landed on the ground with a thud. It shocked you, unable to think for a moment.

But that moment was all it took for Logan to pin you to the ground, straddling your stomach. You tried to wiggle your way free, pushing his body with all your might, but it was no use. You were immobile.

You tapped his shoulder, signaling your loss. He got up and extended a hand to help you.

“I thought you said you were gonna go easy on me.” You fake-pouted.

“Oh, c’mon doll.” He grinned, “You did good. We’ll keep working on training tomorrow, okay? Same time.”

You nodded, right as you heard the doors behind you open to show Hank.

“Hey, (Y/N). Do you wanna eat dinner with me?”

“Ah, yes!” You jumped with enthusiasm. “We have some catching up to do.”

“Cool. Is she good to go?”

“Yeah, fine. Good work today.”

“Thanks, Lo!” You ran off with Hank, needing to shower and get ready.

***

“So, how’d today go?” He asked, taking a bite of his food. He ended up taking you to a really nice restaurant to congratulate you on your first day.

“So good! I feel like Lo taught me a lot, honestly.”

“Before I forget, did Logan ask you to call him ‘Lo’?”

“Uh.. no? Why?” You worried.

“It’s just… Logan is really friendly with anyone. He doesn’t do jokes or nicknames. It’s a little shocking you called him ‘Lo’ and his claws didn’t immediately come out.” He laughed.

His words left you even more confused. Hates joking around and nicknames? That’s the opposite of how he acts around you.

“But, he plays around with me? And he called me a nickname first. I thought he was okay with it.” You were nervous that the nickname you’d given him had somehow upset him…

“Yeah, that’s why it’s so.. out of the norm. Maybe he’s got a crush on you.” Hank’s voice dripped in mischief.

“No, that’s definitely not it. Lo’s just—” You corrected yourself. “Logan’s just like that with everyone. He doesn’t have a crush on me.” You couldn’t, didn’t, believe that someone like Logan, The Wolverine, would like you.

Hank chuckled, “(Y/N), I’ve known him for years. He isn’t like that with anyone.”

There was silence as he continued to eat, but you just sat there, butterflies in your stomach, unable to think.

“What did he call you? The nickname?” He asked, casually.

“Doll.” You mumbled, barely audible, embarrassed.

He nearly choked on his food, “And you think he doesn’t like you?”

“No…I think he was just being nice.” You responded, genuinely.

“Yeah... Okay.”

You finished your dinner with Hank, changing the subject and ignoring talking about Logan altogether, and just catching up with each other. You indulged in a few drinks, which was probably a mistake. You were not really a drinker, and definitely a lightweight, leaving you more than tipsy as you left for the mansion. It was late when you finally arrived, and most everyone was asleep.

You two both headed for your rooms. You quickly changed into another oversized tee and crawled into bed. But just like the night before, you couldn’t sleep. This time, for a different reason. It was definitely the alcohol talking but you needed to talk to Logan.

You threw on a pair of shorts and snuck out of your room. His door was closed, so you knocked. With no response, you quietly turned his doorknob. Once open, you saw him, asleep. His messy hair, in combination with his bare torso being exposed, made you feel sick.

In a good way…

In the best way…

You tiptoed over and shook his shoulder. “Logan. Wake up.”

He didn’t budge. “Looogaaann!” You whisper-shouted, and immediately you heard metal unsheathing.

His eyes flew open, “(Y/N)!” His claws retracted. “What are you doing? Did I hurt you? Are you okay?” His panicked state made him stutter out his words.

“Shh! You’re so loud. You’re gonna wake up the whole neighborhood. M’fine.”

“Are- Are you drunk?” He rubbed his eyes in confusion.

“Hehe.. Maybe. I needed to talk to you, though.”

“What’s wrong, doll?” He scooted over and patted the edge of his bed, wanting you to sit. You followed his order.

“Nothin’. Do you not want me to call you ‘Lo’?” Your words slurred.

“What? No, I like it.” He grinned but his brows were still furrowed in perplexity. “Why do you ask?”

“Hank said you don’t like nicknames. Or jokes! But we joke!”

“Don’t listen to him. He doesn’t know what he’s talking about.”

“He said you have a crush on me.”

He held his breath, “Okay, maybe he does know what he’s talking about.”

“Y-You like me?” You hiccuped.

“Of course. How could I not?”

“I like you, too.” You whispered, almost scared of him hearing you.

“You do? Not just because you're drunk?” He quipped, pushing your hair over your shoulder and exposing your neck.

“Definitely not just because I’m drunk.”

You made your hair glow, wanting to see his face more clearly; wanting to study his expression, and never forget this moment with him.

[sysmedsaresexist]

Changing mindsets, from a Real Anti Endo™️

The Release of the (Pro/Endo) Golden Goose

I hope everyone from all sides will give this important, heartfelt post a read.

It's likely something you'll want to be aware of if you have a vested interest in syscourse and the validity of endogenic systems. Please give this a chance.

It's been almost three years since I started my blogs. Wow. I've been on tumblr a hell of a lot longer, but I really wasn't involved in the system community. I started out firm and loud. I probably inadvertently fakeclaimed (I went into this with the rule that I would NOT directly tell anyone they were faking, it was a boundary that I knew would ruin me socially if I crossed it, but I'm sure I probably did without meaning to), I name called and made fun of people and things. I was disrespectful to people. I invaded tags to get my message out there, though I was quick to stop once I realized I was making the tags unusable for the community I claimed to want to protect.

I learned very quickly what was appropriate and what wasn't, what I could get away with and what I couldn't. It started to become a numbers game, influenced by the risk of the post.

I made a lot of friends and a lot of enemies, and I amassed a following of over 2k. More people have come and gone from my little community than I ever thought possible. People made fanart of me, and I cherish those so deeply. I have over 300 asks because I struggle to delete the ones thanking me.

And the more I was thanked, the nicer I got, the more thanks, the nicer I got, rinse and repeat until I had trouble NOT empathizing with pro/endos. The more I was willing to listen, the more legitimate sources I came across that disproved my original ideas about consciousness. The people sharing the sources were more respectful than I thought they'd be. Things were starting to look a bit cloudy.

I talked to my colleagues about how they, as therapists, would handle some of these endos in their practice, and while their belief in the concept varied, kindness and attempts to understand was the consistent answer. When had I lost that kindness and understanding that had driven me to that field to begin with?

Colleagues, yes. For those who don't know, I have a degree in social services and counselling (plus three other degrees). It's why the current situation with the antis turning on me is so funny. I still can't get into the mindset of some of these new anti endos, I just can't imagine justifying that level of cruelty. I had lines that I wouldn't cross, and I didn't think people could be worse than me.

... That might have been a trauma thing, looking back on it.

So I got desperate.

I spoke to the actual doctors who wrote some of these papers all of us are quoting. Everyone was arguing the meaning of the words, so I went directly to the source.

Dr Colin Ross, who wrote about endogenous multiplicity in the 80s. I told him everything-- about plurals, non-traumagenic systems, syscourse, what was being debated, how I and others interpreted his words, and what I wanted to learn.

Was plurality only trauma based?

And back and forth and back and forth we went, with me asking over and over again in different ways, NEEDING to hear that it was.

But I never got that answer. He meant what he meant. He said what he said and he meant it.

That plurality was not only found in the aftermath of trauma.

And I said nothing to anyone because I couldn't reconcile it.

Don't try to read between the lines, I assure you, there isn't some hidden meaning to be found there. I can't share all of the messages because some contained personal information, but my final response will tell you all you need to know.

(It did NOT, in fact, make sense, and it took me three years to "rethink my paper" that endogenic plurality wasn't possible, I did not win that conversation, it was a dying stance that was not supported)

I've been accused of paying too much attention to my follower count, but I can't really help it. It's really scary when you make a post and see a sizeable drop. It means a lot of different things. My posts have less reach and support. I've upset people. I've done something wrong. My community is leaving me.

I'm in a weird spot, where I'm blocked by so much of the pro/endo community that I have nothing to join, and the anti endo community, who I still wholeheartedly support, continues to leave me for -checks smudged writing on hand- being too nice??

Misinformation about DID is a massive problem, and it's why I still consider myself anti endo and support that community. I relate to them in such a way that I'll always gravitate to and empathize with them.

Or at least, that's what I thought.

At this point, though, how can I not be pro/endo when Colin fucking Ross says it's possible?

I've already written about how I'm really struggling with these labels, and I love the people that have stuck around while I struggle to figure this out.

I hurt when I see the people that once supported me leave.

My (online) world is shrinking. Literally.

That's scary.

When you've watched so many turn away, you start to wonder, with every post, where is the line where the rest are going to leave? Is it this post?

I just want to be me, us, we want to laugh at the stupid crap people say, system or not, I want to talk about my disorder, I want to combat misinformation, I want to have productive, fun conversations about ideas and concepts with people who disagree and have different interpretations. I want to play devil's advocate and get people thinking. I want to be able to comment positivity and kindness on any post I see, I want to feel comfortable talking to more people about their ideas. I sympathize with anti endos, I relate to CDD systems, I still firmly believe that CDDs and plurality are different, unrelated concepts.

My priority will always and forever be the CDD community first and foremost.

However, I am a hypocrite. I have gone straight to the horse's mouth and failed. I've seen so much research that I finally get it. I'm grappling with holding on to this conversation with Dr Ross, wondering what harm I could have prevented if I'd gone public with these emails earlier.

Since when has being open to change been a bad thing?

Since when has showing respect to lived experiences been a bad thing?

What am I? What label describes this?

How do I go forward from here?

What are you going to do with this information?

I promise you, hate isn't the way forward.