#wouldn’t you do anything to get back?
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how did it end up like this?
—the killers, mr. brightside
go ahead, cause i ain’t mad at cha
— tupac shakur, i ain’t mad at cha
#this movie is WILD and so theologically inaccurate#but it raises some interesting points#what would it like to know God’s love like an ocean around you and then be cut off from it forever?#wouldn’t you do anything to get back?#special thanks to those wing tutorials that go floating around tumblr lmao#dogma 1999#bartleby#dogma loki#like okay. I am fully aware that I’m in the minority here but despite its flaws this movie scratches some deep theological itches for me#snailman sketches#cw: gore
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Homer!Odysseus and Epic!Odysseus would try to kill each other if they ever met
#Homer!Odysseus: you sacrificed your men to save yourself? Detestable coward! How I wish I was never born if it would ensure you had not the#Epic!Odysseus: you’d understand if you *loved your wife.* But I guess a guy who stayed with Circe for a year wouldn’t know that!#H!Odysseus: do not speak of things you know nothing about! I long for my return to sweet Penelope but I have a duty to my men#E!Odysseus: A YEAR. A WHOLE YEAR. I WOULD KILL ANYTHING AND ANYONE TO GET A HOME A YEAR FASTER#H!Odysseus: that was clear when you served Scylla six men like they were cattle!#E!Odysseus: it was them or me! And don’t keep talking about my friends like you did any better. you’ll go home alone too#H!Odysseus: they doomed themselves when they ate Hyperion’s golden cattle. I am not responsible for their suffering. But you could have ens#H!Odysseus: Now Eurylochus’s body lies at the bottom of the sea where there can be no burial and no honour#E!Odysseus: AND I’LL GO HOME TO MY WIFE. MY BEAUTIFUL PERFECT LOVELY LOYAL WIFE WHO’S BEEN WAITING FOR ME FOR TWENTY YEARS.#E!Odysseus: and when I go home and she asks if I came back as fast as I could I’ll be able to answer honestly#H!Odysseus: WE HAD BEEN THROUGH MANY TRIALS. THE MEN NEEDED TO REST#E!Odysseus: FOR A YEAR???? DID THEY NEED TO REST FOR A YEAR??? AND DID THEY NEED THAT REST RIGHT AFTER A MONTH’S LONG REST WITH AEOLUS??? S#H!Odysseus: IF YOU WISHED FOR ITHACA SO DESPERATELY WHY DIDN’T YOU OBEY PALLAS ATHENA AND KILL THE CYCLOPS#E!Odysseus: *drawing sword* I WAS HAVING A ROUGH DAY#Epic the musical#Epic odysseus#The odyssey#odysseus#Homer#Greek mythology#Jorge rivera-herrans#nuclear war speaks
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“They’re toxic!”
But have you ever consider they are also silly?
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#and that Misaki is always actually pushing back#like I actually agree with Misaki’s internal thought that he wouldn’t do anything he seriously didn’t want to do#anyway#junjou romantica#Usagi gets rejected and he’s like yes you can still see my dog of course babe
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Chase suffers in love but the other Norms still let him come to their little photoshoot
#shepherds of haven#lavinet naveen#shery acquell#trouble alder#riel syndran#chase trinaeste#LOL so I sketched Chase ages ago bc I have beef with him and he is the main man of some of my closest friends#and I just was like what if I drew all the other norms wrapped in blankets#it became everyone in jackets while Chase suffered but I think that’s funnier#it’s norm team building!!!!#originally trouble’s jacket was a denim bomber bc basically I just want him to wear a rugby uniform or anything worn by members of a-ha#but he looks rly nice in brown so#FIRST TIME DRAWING RIEL AHHHH my actual love#Halle would be crazy for riel as her small vicious pointy boyfriend but alas#but she can shape shift riel !!! pls!!!!!!!!#she is flattered he saw her as a dragon she felt rly seen in that moment lol but also just generally enjoys his company#I drew shery first but after I drew trouble she looked really washed out#It was driving me nuts and I couldn’t stand it - I had to go back in and saturate tf out of her layers and it looked better#lavinet got the same treatment actually#I really like lavinet and in my head she’s THICC with a wasp waist like just OOZES femininity#her and shery are accidentally looking at each other while riel is trying to stare through trouble’s soul#DONT FEEL BAD FOR CHASE ANYONE it’s SELF INFLICTED#the infamous trinaeste torpedo#love is hard chase !!!! it sucks !!!!!!!!#if I reframe Chase as being reluctant to fall in love bc he becomes a complete simp with lowkey yan behaviours I can rly get behind it#chase and Halle wouldn’t last long enough to sleep together unless she loses all confidence in herself as a woman bc wow her true love is#CLEARLY NOT INTERESTED OMG#she would hear him choose to f chase in fmk and would be like what do you have that I don’t#wouldn’t even hear the marry bit#anyway this was fun and actually came about bc I was drawing rly extra outfits for the mages and got tired aka couldn’t figure out what
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i think the thing to understand abt martha jones is that even after she leaves she is five seconds away from dropping everything and traveling with the doctor at any given time. bc that itch to blow everything up and damn her personal duty to hell in search of a higher call never leaves her. but martha is smart. and rational. and has spent a long fucking time needing to keep herself safe. (bc he comes when she calls but never before.) and so she has gotten very good at keeping herself on the right side of those five seconds. but i do think if ten was a different person (if he could acknowledge how much he needed her instead of just how much he liked her) (if he didn’t feel this righteous martyrdom when it comes to being left alone) (if he cared enough about her to beg. if he cared enough about himself.) i think that her answer no would come crumbling down pretty quickly is all.
#MARTHA JONES’ TWISTED SENSE OF DUTY YOU WILL ALWAYS BE FAMOUS TO ME#there is soo much nuance to this. obviously. and it really varies depending on when exactly in his run we’re talking#but me personally. i don’t think that martha was ever satisfied with the way things ended between them. i think she made peace with it!#but i don’t think she was satisfied and i don’t think she ever could be#which is also why i have slowly come around to her and mickey. even tho i think it IS very pair the spares in a way i don’t like#i do think they make sense together. in a genuine way and also in a you’re the closest i’ll get to what i want. you’re good on your own but#- you’re also the next best thing. and we don’t need to say this out loud bc we both know and it wouldn’t ruin anything by admitting it but#- it sure as hell wouldn’t feel good either#it’s not even like. directly about the doctor/rose here is the thing. it’s about the life he let them lead with him#which i guess is the crux of this. i think martha is capable of moving on from her Feelings for the doctor. but never her feelings about him#yknow. does that make sense. if anyone knows that the doctor is a symbol it’s martha#i don’t think she’s always in love with him. i think she was. tho my opinions on that r complicated hashtag tenmartha qpr BUT#but the IDEA of him? the idea which shaped her into a completely different person? i don’t think she will ever not want that back @ her core#she’s just too loyal to everyone besides herself to admit that. 😐#ok it’s 4 am i have been rambling abt this for fifteen minutes so sorry if it doesn’t make sense but i have FEELINGS ABT HER !!#ted talks#martha jones#doctor who
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It was a critical hit. (Why yes, I do play Kingdom Hearts.)
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#skylldraws#tododeku#my hope for this comic is that when i finally get to the end people can look back at the first page and be impressed#like wow homegirl really learned how to draw#i promised myself when i started that i wouldn’t shade anything#because i wanted to focus on getting better at actually drawing and doing linework.#yet here i am#it is admittedly very lazy shading#although this page was slightly less lazy than usual#anyway I’m trying hard!#I really appreciate all the notes but especially the nice tags and comments I’ve gotten#it makes it easier to keep trying my best#so thank you!!#tddk#tdiz#todoizu#tddk fanart#todoroki x midoriya#todoroki x deku#shouto x izuku#izushou#bnha#tddk au#tododeku au#quirkless deku#bnha comic#tododeku fantasy au#bnha fantasy au
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once again thinking about James and Reg going backpacking to run from their problems alone and then they meet each other on the fourth day and just keep walking with each other because they’re going the same pace so why not (James’ idea) and they end up talking through everything and heal together in a way they couldn’t do alone
#yes this is the road trip fic in another font#i do not care#this is my bread and butter#i’m thinking james would go without telling anyone#maybe he’d tell like remus#to make sure no one thought he was like dead#but he would leave everyone else in the dark he’d want to disappear#and reg would be thinking about finally leaving home#but being too terrified to#so he’d walk in hopes that maybe in the end he’d find the strength to#or he’d get enough of solitude and go back home gladly#also i feel like with james i wouldn’t do sad james#i mean i would#but i feel like james grieving instead would be more interesting#him running from his grief after losing his parents#and he can’t even say it he can’t even tell reg why he’s there#because at least when he’s on the trail he can pretend his parents are still waiting at home for him#yknow#you see the vision#this is an idea from a year ago btw#it’s just too much like the road trip fic i couldn’t do anything with it then#but 🤷♂️#here it is#jegulus
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#sso#ssoblr#my art#star stable online#sso anne#anne von blyssen#sso concorde#ive been dealing with the battle of ‘well if i hadn’t done this then x wouldn’t have happened’#and i rationalize that#but then next comes ‘well if i hadn’t done this then it wouldn’t have caused y which caused x’#but i warn you be wary because this mindset does not help you with anything#eventually you get back to the spot where you are a little kid who made a choice to play in the sandbox with someone#it was not your fault#the fate of your world and the world around you does not in fact rest on your own shoulders#sometimes things happen because they do#not because you caused it#or because you did something to provoke the cause#sometimes life is simply going along#like concorde says: ‘but evil may have the final say’#it cannot always be the good say; or in other words your ideal say#it can cause more upset feelings but let it rest in you that sometimes there was nothing you could do#and everything you were able to do was enough
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The way the band always like......now I don't wanna say aggressive but they aren't exactly gentle with Mick. Like even when Tommy hugged him in the video you reblogged the patting was really hard😭
In the dirt (movie) the part where they show micks surgery and Tommy(MGK) clapping Mick(Iwan) on the back he like curses to himself. Just really shows how hyper Tommy is, and I feel like they all are/aren't the most careful with him😭
ok first of all, im so glad you’ve noticed this too!! second off, i don’t want to sound like a debbie downer at all, cause i know everyone cherishes the idea of the crue being so sweet and kind to mick (preferably in the later years of the band), but i genuinely don’t think that was the case at all.
matter of fact, the band always knew mick was in pain. point blank period everyone in the band has talked in length about how they knew mick had back pain throughout their career. of course, they only knew the cause once the dirt came out, but the point is: they always knew. now, i would take into account how rough they’ve always been towards each other, and of course they probably never realized how serious it was but… mick himself has said they used to slap him on the back and force him to stand up straighter. that has to be the most hurtful thing a person can do to someone with AS. yes, they didn’t know it was that bad, but they knew he was in pain. any person with a brain would figure smacking a man with back pain on the damn back would do some damage! let’s not forget how badly nikki treated mick during the girls tour, going as far as to throw shit at him just cause he “broke a rule” (that nikki had broken way before him, and continued to break afterwards). he knew what mick was going through and made his life even worse, to the point where mick considered leaving the band. it wasn’t like they stopped annoying him after they found out either, they continued their behaviour because they thought it was funny. if they didn’t already call him the old man back in the day, they fully treated him like a cynical grumpy old man the older they got.
like i get it, in a perfect world they wouldn’t have mistreated him in the first place, but they did and i don’t think we should erase that fact just cause they pretended to care about him during red, white, and Crüe and beyond. i know this was supposed to be light hearted but i guess i haven’t been in a beautiful mood these days. like not to be woke but… those guys were a bit aggressive towards mick and like as cute as that vid was, it’s no surprise mick thought tommy was serious when he said he was going to kill him. - that’s probably why that part of the dirt kinda makes sense to me even though in reality the Crüe never visited him at the hospital, nor were they there when he was discharged. because at the end of the day, tommy doesn’t really have the insight to realize he shouldn’t be so rough with mick, especially in that moment. he doesn’t think he’s that bad still and continues engaging with him like he’s always had.
god, just looking back i can name even more instances of the crue physically assaulting the man…baby don’t worry you can say aggressive… i mean nikki pulled a clump of hair out of micks scalp, i promise you can say aggressive (i’d go as far as to say abusive but once again im being too woke and im in a shitty mood!).
ok… this has been a bit scathing huh, and no one’s going to like this opinion at all but.. yeah. they weren’t gentle with him at all, and with everything i know about the Crüe, it was likely cause they didn’t care to be gentle. i guess that’s why i like fics about this band that don’t portray them as evil monsters that hate each other… cause fiction is quite literally better than the reality of all this. i’m sorry this was so negative, im in a terribly negative mindset right now and probably will be for a while but… i still agree with my opinion tbh. OK IM SORRY FOR YAPPING THIS MUCH I KNOW IM TAKING THIS TOO SERIOUSLY AND I PROMISE I’LL STOP THAT SOON. STILL, THANKS FOR THIS ONE CAUSE IT GIVES ME A CHANCE TO JUST LET OUT WHAT I’VE BEEN WANTING TO SAY FOR SO LONG ACTUALLY <3333
#mötley crüe#mick mars#the more i think about it the more examples i can find#it’s so hard being positive sometimes so i apologize if this comes across as harsh#you know if you didn’t mention how hard tommy had pat his back i probably wouldn’t have said anything#i did make mention of the way he slammed the towel so hard close to his face though cause i thought it was just slightly funny#but also… you aren’t having a funny chat with nikki tommy boy#you’re having a discussion with someone much smaller than you; who can’t beat you up if you did slam the towel in his face#if i get crucified for this one i’ll laugh#they weren’t careful with that man and that raises a couple of questions for me#especially with what the band was doing to him for all those decades#i can’t help but yap about it#lily of the asks
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this is a test
#i’m bored i just wanna see how many words i can put in the tags like will it just keep going on forever or will they stop me like i know th#the tag limit is 30 ok so the iindividual tag limit is 140 characters that’s actually so rude i wanted to keep going forever and see how lo#g this could be but i guess we can do this 30 times ok what the flip should i talk about hm i was playing the guitar today but i rage quit#ause the song was hard and hurting my fingers! ermmmmm it was sunny ok this is boring let’s think of more exciting things to type hmmm acco#ding to all known laws of aviation- jk i’m not doing the bee movie script but can you imagine i think that would be funny hmmmmm words i lo#e podcasts so bad that’s a fact no one has ever know before my blog definitely isn’t all about audio dramas the people are definitely not a#ready aware of this jesus christ this is only the seventh one of these this is actually quite a lot of space i underestimated how much i ha#e to type btw there’s probably spelling mistakes in here somewhere or autocorrect has been annoying but i cba to retype anything so i don’t#care lolllllllllllll how do you feel about oscar malevolent i feel a normal amount actually (lie) yk what i really miss sam and colin alrea#y like i’m actually not okay i really hope we hear from sam again in s2 and also colin ngl i hope ur in the computers soz or not dead miss#im like a bastard my paranoid it king ok erm im running out of things to say um heartstopper s3 was crazy good i cried lmao i love gay peop#e so much it’s crazy i hope it gets renewed for s4 i need to reread the comics lowkey and the books they’re all so talented for being so yo#ng it scares me ngl !!!!!! the tmagp hiatus is getting to me slightly like february in reality is soon and not that far away for how podcas#ts go but seriously how am i supposed to live until then without knowing what happened. please colin be alive. ive only just realised i can#use fills stops. sorry that’s made everything a bit messy. i should’ve been doing this before. whoops. anyways. hi mutuals i love you all s#much i hope you enjoy my rambles and shitposts cause i enjoy yours very much! never think you’re being annoying i literally don’t care be a#annoying as you want posts as much as you want i am ur biggest fan <3 im getting a bit fatigued from typing like my mind is blank basically#now it’s just turned into a. stream of consciousness but i don’t really have any thoughts to put here idk if we’re halfway ermmmm omg it’s#lmost halloween how crazy is that time is flying by i kinda forgot it was october lmao. it’s wild how it’s basically almost christmas. like#what. that’s illegal. how is it wintertime again. what the flip. i miss summer already take me backkkkkkk. i hope my phone doesn’t crash or#smth cause i’ve not saved this as a draft and i cba to do any of this again. maybe i should save it. ok i will when i reach the next tag bc#ok it stopped me but i’ve saved it and holy jesus it’s a lot of text im just sat here giggling there’s really no point to any of this other#than me being bored sooooooooooooooooo (imagine if i just did the letter o for every character wouldn’t that be crazy) so wait there’s 140#haracters and 30 tags so what’s 30 x 140. someone hurry. i haven’t done maths lessons in two and a half years i’ve forgotten everything wai#let me get the calculator app ok im back it said 4100 characters so. i dont know how many words that roughly is but its. a decent amount. o#what the flip why am i wasting tag space with maths. i hate maths. my screen time has been actually soooooooooo bad recently like damn some#one put my phone in a block of ice please joshua gillespie style. my mind is running out of things to say. do i talk about myself. im james#im 18 which is weird cause wdym im an adult go away. ive run out of facts. i love podcasts and procedural dramas that stupid firefighter sh#w is my life unfortunately. i think chappell roan should be the queen of england instead of king charles. i dont like having a king cause#ho needs men in power not me. ok um this is the last tag equal rights for all. yolo. the time will pass anyways! thank u boredom ok bye gn:
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@katkastrofa, circa 40-ish hours ago: Hey, what if our newest bunch of OCs adopted a baby from one of the other brothel girls who knew she couldn’t afford to raise one? That would make for some fun shenanigans :D
Me, with a notoriously non existent sleep schedule, instinct of self preservation or concern for my poor wrist: Alright, bet. Watch how fast I can make you fall in love with this hypothetical baby >:)
Daneli as a gentle and loving caretaker-turned-adoptive-mother is something that can be So Personal, actually, and originally I was going to leave it at this quick sketch, but then I got carried away thinking about what this child will grow up to be like raised by this little gang of misfits, so…
Here she is!! A little older and so, so beautiful, I need more of her in my life immediately, she’s way too precious
And, because I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t also add a sapphic element to this absolute cinnamon roll, a small crack ship that I’m only half serious about for when she’s a little older still:
All in all, we may be getting impossibly far from canon, but I for one already cannot get enough of sweet darling Kumisai <3
(I fully drew three pieces from scratch in 9 hours I cannot feel my brain or my hands anymore send help)
#my art#artists on tumblr#the legend of korra#original characters#jinora#wow. nia drew a canon character? what is this?? who was I replaced by???#but joking aside. a small explanation for this crack ship#originally it was me editing my timeline and realising that Kumisai would be around 14/15 during book 4. the same age as Jinora#so my mind immediately went 👀👀👀 and I decided to go for it#since in sotrl I sorta implied Jinora had a gay awakening by watching Suiren. so.. why not go all out and make her another baby queer?#no offence to Kai. what they had was rather cute tbh. but it felt kinda out of nowhere and just added for the sake of parental drama#plus she was a young girl meeting someone her age for the first time. of course she got a crush#doesn’t mean she has to stick with it you know?#anyway. as for how they would meet. Midori could introduce them :D#Kumisai is Daneli’s daughter. who’s a friend of Summiya’s. who’s Zaheer’s sister. who’s Midori’s uncle. who’s friends with Jinora#and spirits know Jinora deserves to act her age a little more often. she has way too many responsibilities on her shoulders#so maybe Midori would think that a friend her age would do her some good#and don’t even try to tell me these two wouldn’t be absolutely adorable puppy crushing on each other. look how cute Jinora turned out here#might be the first time I’ve drawn her? not sure. maybe I did before but it was A LONG time ago. 2019 ish#but okay. enough rambling about Jinora. back to Kumisai#I don’t really have too many headcanons about her yet. but she’s probably rather happy and carefree#having a large support system as a result of being raised communally#I think she considers Daneli her mom and the others are her aunties. auntie Shezan in particular is a notoriously bad influence :)#and maybe one day she’d get to meet her bio mom. but only if that’s something both of them want. not sure yet#I feel like she’s rather disconnected from her water tribe heritage since everyone around her is Earth Kingdom. save Phailin who’s half FN#but she still has small hints of blue in her clothing. the colour matching her beautiful eyes. maybe she is curious about her bio dad a bit#since unlike with her bio mom no one knew him and can’t tell her anything. that’s bound to come as a natural curiosity at some point right?#maybe that can be part of her story when she’s an adult. trying to find her bio dad. but ultimately it doesn’t matter that much#because Daneli is her mom and the only parent she needs <3 I’m really just throwing out suggestions here to fill the tag space#kaaatttt come discuss all this stuff with me I waited all night for you to wake up >:) distract me from my grandma’s tv watching
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Need low stakes DLC Psychonauts 2 levels in, at this point, anyone’s mind. Fuck shit up and kick ass in the interns brains? Hell yeah. Otto? Sasha round 2? Milla round 2? ANY Aquato? I’d eat it up om nom nom. I’m begging. As a treat for me please.
#psychonauts 2#psychonauts#double fine#and listen. fucking. it gets more and more obvious that Otto has Something going on with every playthrough#first play through I was thinking about literally anything else and I didn’t catch it#but going back and doing all the dialogue and keeping an eye on him?#Otto was sus as HELL#Like fully unresolved I think canonically he’s still up to some shit#he didnt mind wipe a family to stop a genocide a la putting tape over a cracking dam#but he’s still shady#and I think they kinda wrote him as a red herring#which is wild bc I did not give a fuck about Otto my first time through I was trying to connect so many other puzzle pieces#but yeah DLC content would be good but also… Psychonauts three???#it’s be too surface level for it to be just straight plot line Otto is the big bad tho so idk.#psychonauts 1+2 tells such a tight well thought out story that’s been cooking for two decades. I wouldn’t want a third game if it didn’t#lovingly expand the world and characters and story. but damn I got questions.#hence: low stakes dlc please and thank you have a good day 👍
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for y’all who aren’t familiar w fma: ed joined the military when he was like. 12 btw
#child who is built fucking different#attempted human transmutation. it rebounded ofc and he paid the toll with his leg. alphonse paid it with his whole body#ed just. bandages his leg and then goes back through the portal for al’s soul. gives up his arm for it#mustang comes through to recruit him. so he undergoes surgery for automail#instead of taking the full recovery period of three years he fucking does it in ONE#AND THEN FUCKIN. PASSES HIS STATE ALCHEMIST EXAM AT 13.L2. AFTER THREATENING THE PRESIDENT BTW#refuses to stay down refused to give up#mustang hollering at him gave him the fuckin motivation he needed to try to get their bodies back#doesn’t give a fuck about the military doesn’t give a fuck about serving his country or whatever. just wants to see his brother again#and will do almost anything to make that happen#kid who is so so scared but refuses to give that fear a voice. and just keeps moving no matter what#edward elric you are#insane JFKJWCKKWG#SHIT LIKE THIS WOULDVE BROKEN A LOT OF ADULTS#AND THIS 11 YEAR OLD GOES //PUT ME THROUGH PAINFUL SURGERY AND REHABILITATION FOR TWO LIMBS AT THE SAME TIME//#//GIVE ME ONE YEAR TO RECOVER ITS ALL I NEED//#AND THEN JOINS THE MILITARY. LIKE I#i love my son#anyways#oh also burnt his fucking childhood house down so he wouldn’t have a reason to turn back and give up#no true home to go back to so they can only move forward. fuck me
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using the tags to vent my current emotional state into the void bc ig story feels like a bad plan for this, read at your own risk.
#but jesus christ coming back home while already knee deep in a suicidal episode was an awful idea#like i was maybe on the verge of improving and then i came back to all of this family bullshit#and the place as well like it’s so. i don’t want to say isolated necessarily. but so much it’s own little bubble#and i spent the last eight or nine years i lived here depressed and the last six suicidal#and being back here feels like the actual place is telling me to die#and i don’t think it helps that every place i go i know or know of someone who successfully committed suicide#like. oh this person drowned themself here. or that person hung themself in these woods. or several people jumped off the side of this clif#like. it all feels like reminders of my failures. and it’s like. cmon. wouldn’t it be easy. all you need to do is jump. is slit your throat#is find a decent piece of rope. idk. but everything is so much and i just want it to stop and it feels like the ground itself#is giving me a way to do it.#i genuinely feel like i’m like 16 or 17 again. and everything that isn’t within these hills#feels like a haze and not actually real. like the concept of buxton doesn’t actually exist and my friends do not actually exist and nothing#actually exists except the place i’m in and my family and the pub#i think going back to work at the pub was a mistake; i think it’s making this worse. especially because it’s henry’s dad’s local#and where henry’s wake was. and nothing there has changed at all. it’s like the whole last year never happened.#and i only need to get through two more days but it feels like an impossible task and i keep thinking being back in york will fix me but id#if that even true like. i was suicidal before i left. and it’s going to be intense and stressful and then i have to leave again.#come back here and do three full weeks of this all over again. i haven’t even managed two yet this time around. and i feel like#such a failure and such a drain on my friends (and on one in particular) because it just#is so much and has been so long and everything is complicated and awful and i think if i hadn’t come back i’d be in a normal mental state#by now. that’s the worst fucking part. and also the whole thing of i know how to be suicidal here. i know how to not give a shit about#living here. i know how to do that. but ive never had to try before. like im trying to improve and im trying to hold on and hold off the#urges to kill myself or self harm or whatever because i said i would and because i KNOW it can be better than this and bc i love my friends#and they love me and i don’t want to upset them or make them anxious or anything like that and kat made me promise to try and im trying so#fucking hard and it feels like it’s not even worth the effort because it’s so much effort and everything is so overwhelming and awful and i#hate the way my family interacts and i just want everything to stop and idc if suicide is the cowards way out or selfish or whatever#bullshit people say it feels like the only option i can actually withstand because everything is so much pain and so much effort and so muc#everything and i can’t deal with it anymore. and also i forgot just how much i have to fucking mask in front of my parents and especially m#father and it’s so exhausting and i can’t sleep and there’s so much yelling and i just need it all to stop#i’ve had major breakdowns the last 3 nights about wanting to die so much & trying so hard to not let myself & idk how much longer i can tak
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it’s not funny anymore. i need xander and spencer’s book
#like it’s serious.#how did they become my vacation couple?!#like i’m on vacation imagining what fictional characters would be doing in this scenario AND THEY ARE MY BRAIN’S GO TO?!#i can’t remember the last time i was this invested in a couple before their book even came out#mine#like us series#i guess technically not? but i don’t have anything else to call it rn#and also i can’t remember if i ever brought this up here but it seems obvious that we’re getting easton / vada and im here for it?#like we don’t know super much about either of them but i obviously like easton due to his friendship with xander#and vada is gillow’s child which automatically qualifies her for national treasure status#and i think it was clever of them to pair them off that way#bc otherwise even though easton is well liked he wouldn’t really qualify for a book as just a side character#(not that they didn’t do that for oscar / jack and are obviously angling for a frog / quinn book)#and vada needs someone trustworthy from outside the families#anyway. THEY ARE ALL I THINK ABOUT#YOURE TELLING ME I HAVE TO GET THROUGH ALL THE COBALT BOYS BEFORE THIS?? WHEN THE NLU SET UP WAS THAT PERFECT#like as happy as i am to get ben’s book in my life it just feels wrong that his and xander’s books won’t be back to back idk#🏆 this is for anyone that actually read this deep into the tags you are a warrior
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So lately I’ve been thinking (which is weird and rare) and yk i realized just now that my childhood was not the standard, that very few people experience what I’ve been through. I thought that it was very normal and not a big deal crying every week because your elementary school friends invited you over after school and you had to decline every time because you had training and not going wasn’t an option. I thought it was like very normal to cry for 5 hours straight most of the days because of pain and frustration??? And breaking bones was like, common sense, that’s gonna happen eventually, multiple times too, not a big deal. The skin on your hands exploding? Spit on it and go back up, another round. Not being able to eat after 7 hours of training because you’re too exhausted to even stand up? Yeah it’s okay ima take a shower. You’re scared shitless and having a panic attack because survival instincts are taking over but you HAVE to go up on that beam and flip or you’ll be sent home? Alright, geez, I’m going I’m going. “Today you misbehaved, you went to get water without permission after not drinking for 2 hours during floor in a 35 degree weather. After lunch break you’re doing 200 push ups, I’m counting”. You smashed your nose during enforcement and now you’re bleeding? Shiiiit I’ve gotta go stuff some toilet paper up that nostril or I’ll stain everything. You’re throwing up because you’re too exhausted? Fuck please gimme a sec in the restroom please don’t punish me I promise I’ll catch that yeager later. Not to mention the jealousy towards all your friends and family because they could do whatever they wanted in the afternoon and during summer cause they didn’t even know what a gym was.
AND UP TIL NOW I THOUGHT THIS WAS STANDARD FOR EVERYONE??? LIKE I NEVER QUESTIONED ONE SINGLE THING OF THEESE IN MY LIFE??? that feels so normal to me though growing up as an elite athlete was definitely smth
#yeager#hahaha get it yeager flip#like eren Yeager#hahahah bars flips names are so funny cause wym tkachev ahahah#eren yeager#catch that!!! smack that upper bar!!!#grip!!#posture!! your back is arched!!!#‘come on up and do another 10 kippe hand stand or you go get changed’#meanwhile you’re screaming crying throwing up and you want your mom#I wouldn’t change this for anything else tho i’ll always love little me for being so brave and strong#gymnastics#artistic gymnastics#elite gymnastics#childhood trauma#world stop gaia is yapping#armin arlert#I used to be such a crybaby ahahha#yk who would be amazing in art gymnastics???#reiner braun#and#annie leonhart#not mikasa cause she’s too tall ahaha#ok bye#it’s so cool to think yo!!!
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