#worse i dunno why i made this post i am having a bad case of break brainrot today

[fivekrystalpetals]

you know, in stories, sometimes we have a scene where a character is narrating their experiences (already known to the readers) to another character who was not present during the incident and so to avoid repetition, we might have a short time skip. in manga style, we usually have a small black empty panel or two to indicate this.

for Break, we measure with--

--the speed at which he wipes clean the desserts on the table.

by the time Oz finishes narrating his experiences in Cheshire's domain, Break has finished 11 plates of small cakes. He could have spent around 2-5 minutes on each,,, so Oz must have taken anywhere from 22 to 55 minutes to finish his story, which seems pretty accurate.

[crimeronan]

re: your empathy posts. As someone who probably has higher than normal empathy (I used to ask people around me how they deal with sympathetic distress in common situations that occur in a job and only got blank stares) you're so valid!! The lionizing of this random subconscious process called empathy is so useless! It says nothing about the person and their values! As your other commenters suggested, people disparaging you may just be trying to boost their own shaky feelings about how their own emotional stability is deeply tied to their people-pleasing tendencies.

If anything, I think learning to function "normally" in society with "empathy" makes you more messed up. I understand this person's distress. I acknowledge it, and know how my actions will make it worse. I make them feel worse anyway, because that's the organizationally approved behavior, causing more pain for both them and myself. All the while I must behave as if I am cheerful and unbothered. Internalizing that hurting others and yourself to achieve your goals is Fine is necessary in order to stay sane. This is counter to everything people say they believe, so lying also has to become a virtue.

Buying kindness from the store seems like a really kind thing to do tbh. I am passing you on the street as I am schlupping over to pick up some callousness.

this last sentence made me giggle a lot. but YEAH!! a lot of this is spot-on to stuff i've been thinking about lately. like, "normal" empathy levels seem to be socially defined as "you care about people and want to help them, but you don't care so much that you'll harm yourself in pursuit of that" and it's all just..... i dunno. so much pathologizing of how we think and feel and whether we're Human (TM) about stuff. it's all so Weird

like..... i keep thinking that my lack of empathy gives me certain advantages in social situations. but in a similar vein to the ppl worried about sounding like tiktok empaths for being hyperempathetic, i worry that this makes me sound like an alpha male influencer writing youtube essays about why emotions make you weak, or whatever.

it's not that emotions make people weak or that having less empathy makes me like, a Cold Logical Calculating Math-Loving Strategist. i'm a writer who focuses solely on character-driven stuff, u probably wouldn't expect that from a stereotypically sociopathic person. part of why i LIKE writing character-driven stuff so much is BECAUSE i've had to actively teach myself how other people think, how they feel, how they struggle, etc

a lack of empathy means i can choose not to get invested in other people's feelings or lives, i don't feel guilty for emotionally disconnecting, i'm not afraid of being disliked. but i still know how to act like a decent human being. there's that one post about how stupid it is not to realize being nice gets people to be nice back, and fuckin. YEAH!! it's astonishing to me to read about cases of """clinical sociopaths""" (who are just people who didn't get the 'pretend you give a shit, moron' memo) manipulating and gaslighting people and whatnot. everyone in the comments will always be like "ooo so scary... they didn't feel bad at ALL... so terrifying that people who don't feel guilt exist..." and i'm like.

IS GUILT THE ONLY THING THAT KEEPS YOU FROM COMMITTING ATROCITIES???

BLOWS MY MIND. IT'S LIKE..... THE LEFTIST EQUIVALENT OF SAYING EVERYONE WOULD BE MURDERERS IF THEY WERENT SCARED OF GOD. LIKE. YOU ONLY AVOID DOING BAD STUFF BC IT MAKES YOU FEEL BAD??????

good LORD. at least having no empathy means i've had to grow my principles organically. oh my GOD.

anyway what brought these thoughts up today was that i was thinking about gansey and luz noceda, since theyre extremely similar characters & on my All Time Faves list. and i've said this before but the things i love about them (the kindness, self-sacrificing shit, anxiety, etc) are things i don't see in myself. but Wish I Did. like i wish i was kinder on the inside than i am.

but i know that i admire ppl with luz and gansey traits both in fiction and in real life. so i simply just..... emulate the luz and gansey actions. not always successfully, esp because i have a temper and very little patience, but like. i try to be kind where i can bc i wish i was someone who tries to be kind when they can. so i'm just going to be. u know??

[reuna]

ive been wracking my brain over something. knowing full well Israel is responsible for genocide. knowing full well its system is an apartheid. knowing full well the reasons that have justified both the 1940s English zionist occupation, the First Intifada and so on. knowing full well if Israel were to end, its problems would stop existing.

Why do I still feel bad by accepting violent protest and defense against a physical risk of violence and of ethnic cleansing as a legitimate mean of changing things? why does part of me, alongside "polite society", still dare criticise Palestinians that chose to side with paramiritary political parties and organizations to protect themselves from harm? why do I still entertain the possibility that everything would have been "fine" had not Hamas attacked or something, as if a peace built on injustice was still a peace and not a strongly enforced status quo, where people would technically still be dying under, as Gaza was reduced to an actual concentration camp ever since?

i have made my choice by standing with Palestine against what's essentially a criminal post-colonial organization disguised as a legitimate government. but even then. how would we work after the dissolution of Israel. how would we integrate

Wow, hi. I honestly didn't remember I enabled asks at some point, this is the first one ever. Thank you. I dunno if I'm able to give a good answer tho, I'm just one person who's following this from afar, feeling powerless. I am in no way an authority on any of this, I am not Palestinian, and I strongly recommend following Palestinian users here on tumblr for an insight from people who are directly affected by this.

But I have been thinking about the thought processes you describe, and the many people who seem to really believe, that if Hamas hadn't attacked on October 7., everything would be fine. And I think a lot of it (for the non-zionists who aren't reveling in the slaughter israel is doing) has to do with just... the fear of change.

The status quo is what we know. It might be horrible and deadly, but it's familiar. There's a sense of safety in knowing how things are, and I think it's a very human impulse to just resist change. After all, for all you know the change could make everything worse. And I think the fear of change is more powerful the more privilege we have. People who aren't in the oppressed group rarely even see the oppression others are dealing with every day, and bringing it out and talking about it, feels like "rocking the boat". Everything was just okay before, wasn't it? Why make such a big deal of it? I personally don't suffer, so let it go.

On the topic of Palestine, however, I think there is also the fact that before October, people had lulled themselves into an illusion of stability. Something like "the Palestinians have accepted their fate and so, we should let it go" (and this was never the case, mind you, israel and its allies have just been very efficient in keeping things from us). This is of course exactly what israel wants: That the Palestinians just accept their fate under israeli oppression and stop resisting. And that's why the attack was such a shock for them. Realising that no, the people they had oppressed and tortured and raped and kidnapped and stolen from still didn't just submit to them. They dare resist and remind the people in the West that they still exist, they haven't been beaten into submission.

And this is, of course, what it will always be like, until the oppression stops.

I, personally, feel like the only really proper solution would be one Palestinian state, in which Palestinians and (former) Israelis would live on equal terms. I also believe this is entirely possible, based on the things I've read and heard about the time before the zionist project, and the experiences of people in, for example, South Africa, where the white people believed they would be attacked if apartheid was abolished... and they weren't. And before anyone who reads this tells me I'm talking Hamas propaganda or some shit like that: No, these thoughts come from Ilan Pappe (israeli), several Palestinians themselves, anti-zionist israelis and Jews across the world, and historical records.

I sincerely do believe liberty and equality are possible and worth fighting for. It is painful, for all parts involved, in different ways, but it's the only way to go if we want real safety. I think this is true for every society here on earth.

[trxickodic]

alter intros

🍓 red - that's me!

20 y/o, uses it/gore/slash/rot - is slashergender and gorecoric, brainmade but my faceclaim is nauseaxe from mxm! im the host of our subsystem and i hold the Autassassinophilia and erotophonophilia thoughts

🥭 fox - my best friend (with benefits)

in the mid 20s, uses he/meat neopronouns/it - is muttgender and gortured, is a fictive of ren / the fox from BTD2 and TPOF, holds the want to be tortured and get stockholm, can be very violent but is mostly submissive

🍎 veronika - our loving Goddess

identifies as ageless, uses she/they/love and goddess terms and neos, not sure on her gender specifically but it's some otherworld deity gender - is a fictive (won't disclose her source just in case it comes up in main tags but you can ask), she holds our transharmer/transgod / manipulator tendencies, she's really nice and perfect and i love them even if love manipulated me into thinking that <3 WILL manipulate you if you're willing /hsrs

🥨 seraph / prophet - angelic freak

i'm ageless and use it/they, my identity fluctuates but angelic/prophet terms are okay! i'm a fictive of this guy from VIII XI (in regular numbers, to avoid main tag) - i hold our religious urges, and our TRANScultleader thoughts, you'll often hear us use we instead of i and so on... you can treat us like a god if you so wish though :)

🥛 mutt - stupid dog /pos

we think it’s an ageless adult, but may be permaminor (unsure what specific range), it uses it/its and nonhuman (dog) terms only. it’s brainmade and holds permapet/permadog thoughts, is very nervous and submissive (/nsx) and uses third person speaking - loves when people insult it lovingly (or not) and just wants to be heavily dependent on someone, and veronika is taking care of it for now i believe

🥟 marie - somehow an anxious harmful 😭

she’s 18 but little age is 4-6 - uses she/her + is a fvnger (v = u) introject, holds paranoid thoughts but also wants to lead her own fult one day. she may be little but she will absolutely use that to her advantage (when she’s not having a trauma response). she’s both harmed and harmful but leans towards harmful publicly, even when little

📟 eddie - why cant you use a food emote like everyone else

hi hi! i’m eddie, i use they/them and rec/recors pronouns! my alter age is ageless but i identify as ageflux (little leaning)! i’m a chaosnaut but i’m also an informant for our handlers (internal and external) as well as making our symptoms worse at their request! i am transhelpful and a objectophile among others! i’m taken by my lovely (plush) partner so please don’t try to get with me… i do color code my posts and emoticons! this means good, this means bad, this or this means something i worship or adore very much and this is reserved for programming terms/talk! :)

🎂 dyn / 13-AZ - the aggressive one

i’m 18 and an introject of dylan klebold. i don’t have anything to say minus don’t expect me to be nice, im the aggression haver of the system and i use he/him and i like eminem, i dunno my trans identities yet but im like… gay

🧁 ezekiel - probably god’s favorite

hy’s 18 and uses hy/hymn/hys - a brainmade who’s a religious alter, hy has phantom wings and sometimes a halo - very anxious, please try to be nice to hymn - has delusions, don’t reality check hymn or tell hymn god hates hymn, hy’s very sensitive

11-AZ - doesnt have an emoji sign off

it’s ageless and uses it/they - i believe they’re our first programmed brainmade, made to believe the outside is dangerous and full of a viral infection that zombifies people (probably won’t listen if you reality check it anyway), their verbality fluctuates but if it posts, it’ll probably be schizo posting we believe they’re our current main host besides red

[microwavetoaster-selfships]

//Slight vent..? Not really anything deep or dark, just me being kinda mopey over something. Putting it under a read more just in case. I get a little lengthy with it. I might delete this later depending on how I feel about it

Cars is really important to me partly cause it helped get me through such a rough spot in my life, but part of that rough spot in my life was feeling like there's no point in me talking, like I'm there to listen to people and respond to them, my turn to talk wasn't a thing that happened. Truthfully it still kinda lingers with me and I've been working on trying to openly speak more and not freeze up and quit when I think there's an 'opening' for me to talk. Though I don't have many people to talk with so it's slightly a hard thing to practice.

But, the main thing I wanted to get to, is lately I've realized that BECAUSE I was into Cars during the peak of that problem, I'm really really really bad at gushing about Cars. And that upsets me. I love to talk and yap and gush, but problem stated above has made me way more hesitant to do those things, and it's doubled worse when it comes to me talking about Cars. That's partly why I don't spam post every 5 minutes. I feel like I have so much to say about them but it upsets me cause there's just such a blockage to it.

I've been trying to work on talking when I'm only prompted to do so, cause if I waited for people to ask me questions to talk/gush then I'd probably never talk again! Which is maybe a second hand reason I enjoy ask games so much, cause it gives me a better way to gush and stuff.

I dunno. I'm not really headed anywhere with this. I just wanted to get this out of my system. I love them so much with my whole heart, they are weaved into my thoughts, I'm sure a day will come where I don't have so much trouble yapping about them. It's partly why this blog gets quiet at moments. I am so still here and in love with them and I get on Tumblr countless times, my brain is just having thoughts(/positive) that it can't put into words.

[sprinklenoodles]

Was a bit too tired to do much of anything today unfortunately. No big art or reading which I'm a little bummed about, though not all of the days can be winners. Heck! I should have known I was out of it when I didn't even know what the day was. Or that it's August now but yeah! Brain is failing me. However, I wanted to gift you something anyway. Thus... this thingy!

Tried making Kijo's hair better than the last time (was looking a bit like bootleg Miles Edgeworth there!), but I still have no clue what to do with it. He MUST have hair though. Byakuya's father isn't Mr. Clean. Kijo isn't cool enough to rock the baldness. Or like, the premature baldness even. No bald for Kijo. The Bald Byakuya's are better even. Also, as for this little mini comic um... yeah I have no clue what this means. Maybe Kijo is just a sucker for potatoes and is sad about the stocks. Or, maybe he's just a little hungry. Maybe all Togami's crave potatoes even! Maybe it's just in their DNA. Which... what even is this random headcanon? The Togami family are potato lovers. Just high quality ones made by fancy cooks! Moving on though, I am happy how Jin looks here. I dunno. I like this doodle style of him. His hand MAY be broken but, that's the price to pay when thinking about Kijo I guess. And being in love with Kijo. I say like Kijo is a deity that warps time and space around him if people aren't thinking of him in the EXACT way he wants them too. I cannot tell if these weird tangents are better or worse than BBkuya from two posts ago. Which, that little drawing of mine makes me so amused because I KNOW I just dragged that pic from the net with no thought cus I would have made him a better fitting flavor than honey barbecue. Like, I dunno. Byakuya doesn't give me that energy. Feel he'd be a different flavor of BBQ if he for some reason had to pic. Though, he doesn't look like he'd ever eat it... or even know what it is O_O ALSO, one sorta last thing cus I'm going to go into another tangent guaranteed and also, why not! HERE is where I got the potato stocks. In case one wants to look at them, admire them, or do whatever the hell Kijo is doing. He doesn't seem to happy about it though. Like, I dunno how I somehow drew him looking like he's lost his soul (or what was left of it) but I did. Like, he looks like he's staring off into space. Think it's the size of the pupils or something that makes Kijo look this way. Can't say it isn't mildly amusing though cus it totally is! Hope Kijo isn't plotting anything bad to the people who are messing with his precious potato stocks!

Hehehe. Unfortunately, don't have much to add onto this. Love it though!!

But I once again have a very annoying headache >:(

[decemebercircus]

To Teacher, a Lesson

(Or Teach her a lesson depending on your pronunciation)

Notes:

This is a sort of a promise fic and I have another one to keep-- but since this is short this is simpler.

I'm not good at getting characters accurate so if you feel it's ooc then sorry, I did my best. Oh yeah, I am not very fond of x reader fanfics reading them when they are good/interesting I will do. Write them? On most cases I will not.

So this is a OC who is technically gender neutral. But I leave that up to you.

I also changed the glasses.

This fic was suggested by @mlk082

With their post: https://at.tumblr.com/mlk082/704789841502666752/4pd1vov4cspz

Story:

"Aw man! another flunked Alchemy test! Professor Crewel lives up to his name 'cruel'" Venice complained and tried to follow up with a pun.

"That was a bad joke. Venice," Ace complains.

"Says you who came up with a worse joke about Riddle this morning." Venice retorted.

Jade smiled coyly. "I'd be happy to offer my services to tutor you"

Ace looked around "alright where's your dorm leader?"

"This isn't a deal. I'm doing this of my own free will" Jade remarked. "More specifically for Venice-san if you dont want to take this opportunity." Jade closed the book he had on history.

"Yup I'm leaving," Ace dipped.

"Bye Venice!" He called running out of the classroom.

"Dammit of all the days for Ace to have the braincell..." Venice deadpanned.

"Shall we meet in the library?" Jade asked.

"Oh! Right! Sure!" Venice nodded.

***~~~***

"Jade why are you wearing glasses-- are those AZUL'S?!" Venice asked.

"These are a spare set. Azul will not miss them for a hour or two," Jade said as if that cleared that up.

"I dunno Jade the glasses kinda draw attention to your eyes..." Venice commented

"Why thank you" Jade smiled. 'Was that a genuine smile?' Venice blinked. Most of them have a 'shady mushroom fanatic' vibe or 'curiously too interested in "opportunities'" much like his dorm leader. Venice however was mainly surprised that he seemed genuinely happy.

"Shall we get to the lesson?" Jade picked up a pencil.

"Yup! I'm ready!" Venice commented displaying the thick notebook and the alchemy study guide with its companion workbook. The idea of the study guide was actually just a logbook full of terms, phrases and various ingredients and what they could be substituted for. However Venice had a beginner's study guide which was noticeably thin and like did not have much info.

Jade made a mental note of that.

An hour and a half later, Venice had a full twenty pages worth of notes to study from.

"Let's get a snack!" Venice commented eagerly, seemingly proud of themself for remembering the information Jade told them.

"I already have that arranged. Floyd should be here soon--"

"Hiya Jade! Kurage-chan!"

"Hi Floy-- why do you keep calling me that?" Venice's eyebrow twitched.

"I brought snacks!" Floyd remarked instead.

"Oi" Venice stared at the large sub sandwhiches. Decorated with what they could see to be tomatoes, prosciutto, ham, purple onions mushrooms-- of course. Venice nearly facepalmed.

"Jade you look all scholarly with those glasses," Floyd commented.

Jade nodded. "Thank you Floyd" he grabbed for the sandwich closer to him.

"I don't really like it" Floyd continued.

"Thank you Floyd" Jade remarked before taking a bite of the sandwich. Venice looked between the twins.

"Hey Jade gimme half of your sandwhich" Floyd said after a brief moment of silence.

"Sure" Jade said and in a flash he twirled his lavender gem studded pen and uses some magic spell to slice the sandwhich. Floyd picked up his half then seemed to remember something.

Lifting the bread he found six mushrooms. Jade smiled innocently. Floyd had a change of mind. "On second thought I'll go back to the lounge"

You aren't going to eat your sandwhich?" Jade called after him.

"NOPE!" was the reply as Floyd left the library.

Venice happily munched on the sandwhich. But Jade, whether due to his brother's comment or otherwise, took the glasses off.

When lunch break was over the time to hit the books returned. Jade redonned the glasses.

"Oh hang on a sec so if I come up with the chance to use this I can substitute it for its ground powder form and the potion won't be affected?" Venice asked not long after they started again.

"Of course. As long as you measure accurately it will be fine. You can even use herbs and roots that stem from the same family. Provided the required precautions of safety are in place" Jade reassured.

"Got it" Venice commented writing the helpful information down.

When the study session ended, Jade removed the glasses again. I look forward to future sessions Venice-san Jade smiled.

"Say why'd you offer to help me anyway?" Venice asked as they left the library.

"Why indeed" Jade replied with another genuine smile.

[starrrbitz-movedtonewblog]

Hi everyone

Thanks for sticking around this blog

Sorry for being very inactive and inconsistent in 2022, well to be fair I've always been that way on this blog but honestly it's been worse.

I did my first year of art school in 2022 so that's was the major contributing factor to why I forgot to post on here. The other reason was that I've become more of a lurker on tumblr and also just kind of tired of posting my art to this blog I made when I was like 16.

There's a lot of stuff on this blog that shows who I used to be, which isn't really bad or problematic, just me being cringe which I still am lol. I had fun and that was the most important part, I think just have grown up ig

I am still very enthusiastic in tags and about what I love, cause that's just who I am.

In any case, I dunno what's gonna happen to this blog. I don't really want to delete it or just abandon it, but posting here regularly has become a bit harder.

I'll still post art onto here because I love doing that, it just won't be as frequent. Anyone who's still following me despite how inconsistent my art uploads have been in 2022, thanks a lot, I think younger me first making this blog would appreciate it. But eh, I don't really care much about followers any more, even though they're very much appreciated.

(Also half of the users on this site are bots anyways, so thanks to all you real ones lol)

See you guys in 2023 if I do!

[coridallasmultipass]

Vent personal medical long post

So the shit week continues. No new painkillers, i took the last expired hydrocodone, so if im still in pain tomorrow im gonna have to cut a morphine in half and see if i can tolerate it (i took a whole 15mg one on sunday when my back pain first went out, and while it helped it was way too much painkiller and i got so nauseous. The hydrocodone is 1/3 of the morphine dose, and i dont know how to cut this tiny fucking morphine pill into 3. I dunno if its even big enough to be cut in half!!)

The specialist did get me a back xray which was normal (as expected), and physical therapy, which is good, except i can only attend if i get an appointment within 2 weeks, because after that i wont have a ride, and the distance to walk there is 2.5 miles steep downhill (fine. Ive done that walk before. It would suck because of the pain.) But coming back home after the appointment would be 2.5 miles steep uphill when im probably extremely sore and can barely walk after physical therapy (has always been the case whenever ive gone to pt) and i dont think i can fucking do 5 miles. I can hardly walk the stairs in my house. (Warned u bout the stairs dogg) The occasional 3 mile round trip that i do to go to the post office when i dont have access to a car is bad enough that it puts me out of commission, especially bc its all uneven terrain no sidewalks.

I tried calling anyway and its voicemail so theyre probably at lunch right now. But it still sucks. Im so fucking tired of this.

I hate having to rely on other people - doctors or family. I hate having to make and attend so many appointments. And im not even fucking doing everything i need to. I saw this pt place has pain management (i didnt think there was any in this area so i gave up on that) so i can try asking for that too, but again, thats more appointments i need to coordinate, and last time i did pain management they basically said "see a psychiatrist for antidepressants or try medical marijuana bc we cant do anything else for you" lmao (i did the mm despite never having tried it before. It helps but its not enough lol). My current psychiatrist has exhausted every medical option for my depression. So its either they give me painkillers or something else idk what, or i just stay home and continue to suffer.

And thats a whole nother thing the rheumatologist today was like "oh why did you stop antidepressants if youre in so much pain??" My duDE I WAS SO MISERABLE AND COULDNT DO ANYTHING AT ALL. FOR FIVE FUCKING YEARS. Once i stopped antidepressants, i was able to start exercising regularly, i started drawing and writing with more enjoyment (had not drawn with regularity since 2019!!), i am more present in life, like... doing antidepressants was the worst fucking 5 years of my life. None of them helped my depression, they only made me worse. I tried every branch of them and not a single one helped. Im still fucking depressed and anxious as shit taking methylphenidate but hard evidence points to it being a great help compared with anything else ive ever taken. God that fucking "treatment resistant depression" diagnosis was the worst fucking thing. Theres like nothing else to try except super niche experimental treatments that insurance wont cover and they dont accept secondary insurance (which is the one that i could probably get to cover a new treatment but it takes a lot of coordination on both parties, like what im doing for my tmj problems and getting aligners). Ughhh. I dont wanna fucking do experimental shit either. Unless someone wants to donate me an ayahuasca vacation or something lmao. (Joke, i dont have a passport and i dont wanna pause all my other meds)

It sucks that none of my medical problems are treatable. I got permanent depression/anxiety/ocd/whatever other things that are undiagnosed despite my requests for testing. Permanent endometriosis (no cure and my body isnt accepting the medical or sugical treatments). Lifelong teeth problems (unknown if this new treatment will help my teeth or jaw yet but like.. arthritis is also lifelong and damage is damage). Arthritis thats lifelong but Mostly managed, at least during warm seasons. Permanent untreatable fibromyalgia (the antidepressants are the only medical treatment for it and never helped with pain, maybe even made it worse, and no one wants to give me painkillers anymore since like 2015. Sucks that old people can get painkillers like candy but because im young and hide my pain really well i get treated like an addict. My mom was like 'your gramma gets painkillers all the time!!' Yeah but im not in my 70s. Theres age bias here.) I got chronic untreated gerd (well, i take otc meds, and my attempts to treat it got canceled bc thats when covid was rampant, and the doc stopped prescribing me stronger meds bc i hadnt seen him in a while, bUT I LITERALLY COULDNT GET IN BC OF COVID. I just dont eat any of my favourite acidic foods anymore. I miss tomatoes. Sometimes i gotta eat them and just triple up on 3 different antacids and deal with the sore throat the next day). Well, was gonna say i got chronic insomnia but thats probably the only thing thats fully treated by 2 meds and sometimes weed. (But like. Im a nightowl. Its just that i have to fit in with society to get up in the morning for appointments. I have that like delayed body clock issue lol. So in a way it kind of is still a chronic issue, but at least im getting a full night of sleep when the body pain isnt extreme.)

But yeah. It sucks to be me. Dunno where im going w this post. Its just so frustrating when youre telling the doctor you're in constant pain and hes like 'i know. See you in a couple months.' Rheumatologists are supposed to treat fibro. But i always get hot potatoed to the next doctor. Like i get it, i am untreatable, but someone please do something! Ugh. Like theres really no options besides painkillers or weed, and i can only use weed in the evenings bc my family doesnt approve (literally said the most vile shit when i mentioned the pain clinic recommended it), plus cant use it if im gonna drive somewhere - in theory, i dont have a license lol but the point is i shouldnt have to take an intoxicant during the day!! Painkillers at the lowest dose do not intoxicate me, and in fact, make me more lucid bc it lifts the fucking fog of pain!! Wish doctors would understand how much they helped me in the past. When i was on the combo of painkillers and the arthritis med im on now, i was literally going for jogs every fucking day. I have proof of it. I probably couldnt do that now bc im a lot heavier and a lot sicker, but the point is i can be more active if im not in pain, and being active helps both the arthritis and fibro! Ughhhh.

Online is like "painkillers have not been shown to help fibro" bull fucking shit. Maybe im an odd one out. But ive been diagnosed since i was 12 and fit the fucking symptoms. They fucking help and ive been off them for so many fucking years now while all my health has deteriorated. Do you know how miserable it is to find out you have fibromyalgia affecting the nerves around your teeth? On top of my tmj problems!! I can barely eat anything since starting the aligners because my mouth is in too much pain!!

The only thing painkillers havent helped was the fucking endometriosis, which ironically, is the only reason i even have painkillers on hand for my back injury.

And god fuck i do not want to think abt the endo. Theres no quality of life when im panicking every day about when the next flare up is gonna happen. Theres no hope there bc theres no treatment that works for me. I already had a hysto but it was probably too late since the endo spread. Idk if im gonna survive the next flare. Especially because i have to stop taking the med that was possibly helping since ive been on it too long. The doctors ive been seeing have just been like "we'll cross that bridge when we get to it" which is just causing more anxiety because the bridge is like. This next month. Whenever theres a flare up, i have to stop ALL my arthritis meds just so i can take advil since thats the only thing that provides me some relief (and thats terrifying bc advil has given me an ulcer before! Because of taking it during a period and i was in too much pain to sit up for 10 minutes after taking it. Fuck endo.) Idk what to do.

Anyway. Thats the sitch. Ill try calling for pt again since this took a while to type. If theyre still closed, well, i guess ill just go fuck myself.

[kaoarika]

I dunno what was this week, but I hate whoever decided it to be that way.

Might get a little TMI in the way, so, read at your risk (and because I don't want this to be reblogged, WELL).

So, between the million of things that are going in my head right now (besides, the fact that we are going to "celebrate" federal and local elections in early June, and it's much more stressing than you would think it is), we had I GUESS the first "very hot, why oh why" week of the year, pre-Summer, in my city. It's one of those weeks that I would prefer to be at home not doing ANYTHING because the air is either too hot or too dry and let me remind you that I don't have an AC... I think I have talked about this before, but at times like this I think I might happen to be allergic to my sweat and in the past year I had it almost all over my torso, including my breasts, so, imagine some body image issues I may have during times like this, because I happened to have some red rashes/spots in some areas of my breasts. I luckily seem to have neutralized that, but I did develop body image issues from the situation last year, because as much as I wanted those GONE, they always came back. To think I am going to have this from now on in extreme weather situations, it's a bit ":/" to put it mildly.

I also started to have an irritated throat midweek. Which. FUN.

Then, internet issues, cuz why not, right Twitter/X, you freaking pos? I had issues in an alternate account with the chronological tweets from the Following feed, months ago, and now it's my main account's issues, too! Like, I cannot even report this in their Help Center for reasons that I will resume to "thanks, Musk, I know the site was BAD before, but you made it X times worse????" as I simply cannot offer my angry feedback to fx this :). OR! It's not even a bug! It's a NEW feature! GOD, how much I hate Twitter. I worked around this with Lists in my alternate account, but they don't respect my blocked/muted users (in certain cases ppl RT from them) nor my blocked/muted words list, so... yeah.

And the internet wasn't the only thing alone. I realized my days with this laptop are also going south. Besides stuff with Google Chrome and my thing with the compressed files I might vented days ago, it doesn't seem that my Explorer browser is "healthy". I decided to move things around within an old back up folder I have been in certain urge to work with before moving it to my HDD, and suddenly Explorer started to give me trouble, I mean, it once closed up and there wasn't even a window alerting me that it wasn't working well. The next day I found similar issues as I was SIMPLY renaming files and Explorer wasn't collaborative enough. Like, yeah, I restarted the native browser... but then I decided to restart the computer. I know the laptop was preowned, and it has/had its own issues, and this is basically its 9th or 8th year of life, even though I have been using it for a little over 3 years... but I am scared for sometimes unreasonable stuff that has happened to me in the past with my computers. At the moment I cannot say "YEAH, move everything as it is", because then I have issues like my old PC's back ups that are so messy that I WISH I could have organized them much more better back i nthe day (sadly, I didn't have an HDD at hand up until late 2020, and I'm talking stuff from over a decade ago). So... I might be getting a new laptop soon, but I might be paying it w/credit and w/o interests or smth. That might be good news and a solution, but, let's say that it's only motivating me to make the "move" transition so much "easier".

-

And, to finish this wreck of a week, the more... stressing thing that has been on my head is WHY I put "TMI" at the start of this post. Like... I really don't like to disclose too much info about my health, but I do want to tell you that in the past 6 years I have been handling stuff related to hypothyroidism with medicine.

So, at the start of this whole process, I knew my hormones might go crazy while stabilizing other things, so one of the pros about this was that my periods would regulate as they should ALWAYS have been... and the thing is, they have? at best? but there was related stuff I was a total stranger to, or, if I had them? they weren't as "frequent" as I assume they should have been during my whole teenage and young adult years. When I started this whole thing, I had days secreting old blood before I even started my period. I barely remember this was a thing within my body up until that point, especially while ovulating (heck, I don't remember having colic pains during that part of the cycle), but in the past six years I can vaguely recall other moments like these with some exceptions on mind, while I do have "fake alerts" days before my period, but, oh well and I was told it might be normal when I pointed it out to my previous doctor (related to this situation) years ago, so... thing is, this past week I started to have this, but instead of taking it as normal, I didn't perceive it as normal, normal.

For one, I don't remember which day EXACTLY I started this... blame the fact that this whole week has been a wreck so I lost my sense of time midweek... it was certainly between Wednesday or Thursday. But, the more I read, and the more I get scared. Especially because it was until yesterday-today that the vag*inal fluid started to come brown... I KNOW it is because of the blood getting oxidated, but I don't remember it being like this. I DO assume it's because ovulating stuff, because, my period, technically? doesn't happen until next week or so, average speaking. I did have some colic pain from the side that is ovulating, but I was so fixed in "what if it isn't that", that I felt so freaking down these past two days and I still feel down regardless of articles assuring me it MIGHT be normal. Except, I don't know for sure.

"I don't know for sure", because some of these articles are so superficial. "I don't know for sure", because I SHOULDN'T have lost meaning of time this past week and I could have been much more careful. I DID read one article that basically adds "symptoms" to make me sure it isn't... else, and I'm scared, as you don't hav any idea because that means I should ALSO get a gynocologist, which, SURE, I am already at the AGE to get one, but also it's a bit of a "wait and see and notice if the thing takes longer (and other symptoms, which I don't think I have), and if so, GET MEDICAL HELP". It says it might be hormonal stuff related to (my) hypothyroidism and such and such, and because I have been stressed (like hell)... and my whole point of I'm scared.

I'm scared because I still feel the colic pains, I'm scared because I don't remember this as much to consider it "normal". What is even considered "normal" about this? Could be smth else? Worse?

I'm trying to look at a good gynecologist closer to where I live (and slightly affordable), but, lmao, what even. I don't have an appointment with my doctor until August because "I was doing well" and wanted me to do some stuff to see if there could be a change of medicines and the like.

This week just finished, but the next one is brewing me lots of things to think about and I hate it OTL

[sonofthesaiyans]

The Shiganshina serum.....

Who else might’ve been interested if the serum had been given not to Armin, as was very controversially the case.......not to Erwin........but to SASHA? 

The reason Sasha was declined the injection was because her injuries weren’t serious enough to warrant the potentially lifesaving if still dangerous mutagen. But the fact that it was discussed AT ALL in the chapter/episode proper warrants a second glance. 

I am still fucking furious that between Shiganshina and Liberio, Sasha survived injuries that rendered her unconscious only to be axed permanently in her NEXT fucking appearance. That to me is beyond reprehensible. And it made no sense to tease her demise in Shiganshina if that was the plan before that earlier battle unfolded. It’s insulting to us as fans, and it’s a royal fucking narrative screwjob. 

What would it have been like if Sasha was turned into a Titan? I mean it’d make sense because.........Sasha and Titans do have one thing in common, their talent for eating whatever they see. Which would’ve made her especially dangerous. And it’d give Sasha an extra layer of protection in the story, I mean if two characters as utterly fundamentally worthless as GABI BRAUN and CONNIE SPRINGER can both survive with such ridiculous plot armor when neither had any reason to last that long........Then fuck it, Sasha the beloved Potato Girl deserved some of her own. 

Dunno if Sasha as a Colossal Titan would’ve really made much sense narratively but the Colossal is dangerous regardless of who wields it. And maybe it’d have been less of a waste in her hands instead of Armin’s. Because face it people, Armin shouldn’t possess a superweapon he doesn’t use. The Colossal for such an iconic monster isn’t properly monopolized by this so-called masterpiece. 

And if she’d become any of the other Shifters, it’d probably not be so bad for her or Paradis, again they’re dangerous creatures regardless of their wielders. And to fuck with that 13-year curse, if the ending decided it can be magically undone without any further physically consequence, then why acknowledge it as a hindrance to Sasha or the actual canonical shifters? 

I dunno, I’m thinking aloud here. But you couldn’t have done worse than All Talk, No Action Armin. He really didn’t accomplish much with the Colossal Titan at all. And for that matter, nothing was accomplished keeping Annie alive for a decade in crystal with her Titan no longer relevant. 

Why am I wasting my time writing about a nonsense alternative scenario? 

Because I already wrote an entire rant about THAT episode and chapter that ruined Attack on Titan for me.....I haven’t posted it, but I needed to get my frustration out in a slightly more positive way because I cannot afford to fall back into another bitter and depressed mood over a fucking anime right now. 

There is no Attack on Titan without Sasha.  

[honey-dewey]

When I’m Older and I’m Wiser

Pairing: Marcus Moreno/ Dentist Reader

Word Count: 4,262

Warnings: General medical fic involving dentistry and recovering from wisdom tooth surgery. Mentions of pills, blood, needles, and Marcus being very high. Some use of (F/N) (L/N), but not much.

How the hell Marcus Moreno has gotten this far in his life without getting his wisdom teeth removed is beyond you. But that fateful day comes, and honestly you really should just quit being the Heroic’s dentist because it’s probably taking years off your life. Mostly because your current patient is very cute, very high, and in your care for the next 24 hours, which is a dangerous combination.

“Ow.” 

Missy looked over from where she’d been getting a second glass of milk, turning her attention to her dad. Marcus was staring at the eggs on his plate, seemingly frozen. The look on his face could only be described as offended, as if the eggs had just bit him back. 

“What’s wrong?” She asked, sitting back down and nudging Marcus with her foot. 

“Hurts,” Marcus mumbled, putting a hand to his cheek. The last thing he had expected was pain upon eating scrambled eggs, but it was there. 

Missy shrugged, digging into her own eggs. “Could it be a cavity?” 

Marcus shook his head, moving his hand to his other cheek. “Both sides.” 

“Two cavities?” 

Giving Missy a playful dirty look, Marcus took another bite of eggs, face scrunching when the pain persisted. 

Missy raised an eyebrow, and Marcus suddenly regretted having a tiny powerhouse of a daughter. “When was the last time you saw Dr. (L/N)?”

“Uh,” Marcus squirmed a bit under her judgmental gaze, thinking back. “I made an appointment right before your mother passed, but then she died and we were in mourning, and then I quit actively hero-ing full time, and then I took a while off to raise you, and then I started my new job, and then I was kidnapped by aliens, so I dunno. A few years?” 

“A few years?” Missy said, cocking her head slightly. “You make me go every six months!” 

“You’re still growing!” Marcus defended. “I’d be an awful parent if I didn’t keep up with your health.” 

Missy sighed. “Please tell me you’ve seen an actual doctor recently.” 

Marcus nodded. “Saw my GP last month.” 

“Good,” Missy said. “Can you see Dr. (L/N) today please?” 

Again, Marcus nodded. “Y’know, sometimes I wonder just who’s running this household.” 

“It’s me.” 

“I know kiddo. I know.”

Their drive to Heroic headquarters was silent, but comfortable, as it usually was. Marcus parked, the throbbing in his jaw just getting worse as he and Missy got on the bus into headquarters. Missy broke off in the reception area, heading down the hall with a wave. Marcus waved back, smiling at her as she disappeared. 

Wiping his hands on his shirt, Marcus walked up to the receptionist, who gave him a friendly smile. “Hello Marcus, what can I do for you?” 

“Hey Rhea,” Marcus said, leaning slightly on the counter. “When’s my first meeting?” 

Rhea hummed, putting his name into the computer and clicking a few times. “Looks like your earliest meeting is at 2:30.” 

“Awesome,” Marcus groaned. “Does Dr. (L/N) have any available appointments in the morning?” 

“Has someone been skipping out on the dentist?” Rhea said jokingly, moving to a different computer screen. “Was it Missy who made you go?” 

“Yeah.” 

Rhea laughed. “That kid,” she said softly. “And you’re in luck. Dr. (L/N) has an available appointment in half an hour, at nine. I’ll get you set up with it, okay?” 

Marcus sighed. “Yeah, that works. Thank you Rhea. I’ll see you later.” 

He waited for his appointment in the hero lounge, reading a book and chewing absently on his thumb nail. When his watch read ten 'til nine, he put his book in his bag and began to make his way down to the medical wing of the building. 

The medical wing was not one Marcus was in frequently. He knew some of the staff, but not all of them. But he waved to them all the same, eventually reaching the dentist’s section with five minutes to spare. 

“Mr. Moreno!” The nurse behind the reception counter said cheerily. “I thought it had to be a mistake when I saw you had an appointment.” 

“Please,” Marcus said. “Just Marcus will do.” 

The nurse nodded. “Of course. The doctor will be right out. You’re her first of the day, and honestly, I think she thought your name was a typo too. It’s been too long.” 

Marcus sighed. “Yeah. Missy chewed me out about that earlier.” 

“I’ll bet.” The nurse gestured to a row of chairs. “Take a seat. I’ll go see if the doc is ready.” 

Marcus sat down, rubbing his hands up and down his thighs in an effort to calm his nerves. 

“Moreno?” 

He looked up, heart suddenly beating fast. Standing in the doorway that separated the waiting room from the actual office was Dr. (L/N), looking very expectant and a tiny bit disappointed. 

———

Marcus stood, following you back into the office. His steps behind you were nervous, a high contrast to the confident clicking of your shoes. 

“Long time no see,” you said, pushing open a door and gesturing Marcus into the exam room. “What finally brought you back?” 

“Aside from Missy?” Marcus asked, sitting in the chair and rocking his left foot back and forth on the ankle. “I woke up this morning and it hurt to eat breakfast.” 

You nodded, washing your hands and donning a pair of gloves. “And there wasn’t any pain last night?” 

“Maybe a tiny bit.” Marcus watched you sit on a rolling stool, moving so you were just at his side. “But nothing I was worried about.” 

You crossed your legs, thinking. “Did you do any intense training in the past 24 hours?”

“Nothing involving my head.” 

“Well then it’s probably just a cavity or two,” you decided, rolling closer to Marcus’s head and putting both feet on the floor. “Let’s take a look, get some x-rays, and see if we can’t have you feeling better soon.” 

You adjusted the chair so Marcus was staring up at the ceiling, and at a large space mobile you’d hung ages ago. “Ready?” 

“As I’ll ever be.” 

You smiled, pulling a mask up over your nose. “Relax Marcus. I’m not gonna hurt you on purpose.” 

Marcus still squirmed a bit as you examined his mouth, your brows knitting tighter and tighter as you realized this wasn’t a simple case of a few cavities. 

“Marcus,” you said slowly, sitting him up and tugging your mask down under your chin. “You’re in your forties, right?”

“Yeah?” 

“Please tell me you don’t still have your wisdom teeth.” 

Marcus shrugged. “I don’t know. Why? Is that a bad thing?” 

“Most people have theirs removed when they’re teenagers,” you explained, pulling down the x-ray machine. “That way, there’s less risk of nerve damage. It’s not a bad thing to have them removed later in life, but it does come with higher risks.” 

“Oh.” The reassurance didn’t comfort Marcus much as you softly directed him through the various x-rays. 

You pulled the piece of plastic out of his mouth as the final x-ray hit your computer. “Sorry about that,” you said, watching Marcus rub his face. “I know it sucks. But, good news, I have an answer for you.” 

You let Marcus turn so he was facing your computer. “It’s definitely your wisdom teeth,” you said, tugging your gloves off and pointing at the computer screen. “See? All four of them are coming in, which is impressive. I can probably take them out tomorrow, honestly. Those suckers can get really painful really fast, so we’re gonna want to take care of it as soon as possible.” 

Marcus paled. “Tomorrow?” 

“That would be best.” You put a hand on his shoulder. “Hey, it’ll be okay. I do one of these surgeries like, once a month. I know what I’m doing, and you’re going to be just fine.” 

“Okay,” Marcus said, nodding and staring at you. “I believe you.” 

You smiled. “Perfect. So I can schedule your surgery for super early tomorrow, I’m thinking around seven, maybe seven thirty. We wanna get it out of the way early because you can’t eat anything for twelve hours beforehand.” As you explained, you gathered some papers from a desk drawer. “I assume you want general anesthesia.” 

“Is that the option where I sleep through it all?” 

“Yep,” you said, stapling the papers together and handing them to Marcus. “As per protocol, we’re going to need reassurance you’ll be with a responsible adult guardian for at least forty eight, if not seventy two hours post surgery. The first twelve to twenty hour can be brutal, so you definitely want someone there during that.”

Marcus shook his head. “I haven’t got anyone besides my mom, who I assumed would be taking Missy while I healed.” 

“That’s okay,” you promised. “We can get someone here to care for you for two days. You’d have to stay here at headquarters, but you’d be comfortable and cared for. Whatever you do, I’ll call in some pain prescriptions and the like for you to pick up after work today. Just see the pharmacy out front and they’ll give the pills to you.” 

You stood, gesturing Marcus up. “So, to recap. Get here early tomorrow, no food after seven tonight, and wear comfy clothes. Most patients go with sweatpants, but you go with whatever is most comfortable to you. Bring a change of pyjamas and your prescriptions if you’re staying with us, and I’ll see you tomorrow Mr. Moreno,” you said as you led him back to the lobby. 

Tomorrow came faster than anticipated, and before you knew it, it was seven AM and you were waiting for Marcus with your nurse beside you. 

“Damn his mouth is messed up,” the nurse mumbled, looking over the x-rays. “All four?” 

“All four,” you agreed, smiling as the lobby door opened. “Mr. Moreno! Follow me. I assume you stuck with the rules I gave you yesterday?” 

“Yeah,” Marcus said, handing you the paper bag with his prescriptions and a small drawstring bag that presumably had clothes in it. “I’m gonna be staying here.” 

“Perfect,” you said, pushing open the operating room door. “I see we’re dressed for the occasion.” 

Marcus turned red, looking down at his soft black sleep pants and a worn out Fleetwood Mac shirt. “Yeah.” 

You put Marcus’s stuff down on the counter, handing him a small white cup. “That is a super powerful mouthwash,” you explained. “Take it, and do try and keep it in your mouth for a minute. I know it tastes horrible.” 

Marcus did try, but he only made it to thirty seconds before he had to spit out the disgustingly bitter mouthwash. 

You laughed at his face, pulling on your gloves. “Alright Marcus, that works.” 

He smiled softly, relaxing a tiny bit. “Thanks.” 

“I wouldn’t thank anyone who made me take that stuff,” you said, grabbing a thin tube and holding it out. “That goes under your nose and over your ears, just like that,” you praised as Marcus threaded the tube over his ears. “Now, can I see your hand?” 

Marcus let you clip a heart rate monitor to his right index finger, watching as you walked to his other side and held up the final thing. “And last, but not least.” 

Immediately, Marcus looked extremely nervous again. You put down the IV line and rubbed his shoulder, trying to work away some of the tension. “Hey. Look at me. Just a pinch, and then you can take a nice long nap, okay? Deep breaths Marcus, deep breaths.” 

Marcus took a breath, and you carefully took your hand off his shoulder. You slowly directed his head onto the chair’s headrest, still murmuring reassurances. “That’s it. Count the stars on my mobile out loud. I can’t remember how many there are.” 

“Okay.” Marcus looked up, slowly counting out loud as you found his vein and stuck him with the IV line as quickly as you could. You administered some of the anesthesia, smiling as Marcus’s numbers began to slip and slide, until he wasn’t even counting as much as he was just mumbling out random mushy words. 

“Goodnight Marcus.” 

You gestured the nurse in, and she smiled, taking Marcus’s glasses and setting them on top of his other things. You finished off the anesthesia, watching Marcus’s eyes close. 

When he woke again, it was to you pulling the IV line out and taping a cotton ball to his arm. “Wa’s happ’nin’?” He slurred around the cotton and the drugs. 

“The surgery was a success,” you explained softly, despite Marcus not really understanding you. “All four teeth came out with no issue, and we’re about to take you to recovery. Oh, Marcus, keep your head up.” 

Marcus struggled to keep his head upright, and you giggled, holding your hands out. “C’mon. Let’s get you into a real bed.” 

You’d been through this with many patients before Marcus, but he seemed to be a stand-out, as you had some trouble getting him in the wheelchair and down the hallways into the recovery wing. He definitely fell under the ever entertaining category of ‘toddler high’ patients. His slurred words and puppy dog eyes made you laugh more than once on your way to his room. You actually had to stop and pause to laugh when he slurred out that he thought you were an Angel. He simply watched you with an exaggerated worried expression, half his words getting lost as he tried to mumble something out. 

“What was that Marcus?” You asked, wiping your eyes and continuing down the hall with him. 

“You’re tho prethy.” He said, head tipping down. 

“Head up,” you coaxed softly, smiling despite yourself. “Look, there’s your room.” 

Getting him in the room, which was more of a small, one person condo space, was thankfully the hardest part. But once you were in, he was very sleepy putty in your hands. 

“Okay Marcus,” you said gently, helping him out of the wheelchair and onto the couch, piling a few pillows beneath his head “Do you want anything before you go to sleep?” 

Marcus looked up at you. Between his cotton stuffed cheeks and his wide doe eyes, he looked a tiny bit ridiculous. You smiled, pulling out your phone and snapping a quick picture while he was still drugged as hell. “Marcus?” 

“Mittenth.” 

“What?” 

Marcus pointed to his bag. “Mittenth.” 

You walked over to the bag, opening it up and finding a black and white stuffed cat right on top. “Oh. Mittens.” 

You handed the cat to Marcus, who immediately snuggled it to his chest and rolled over a bit, falling asleep instantly. 

Again, you couldn’t help but stare. He looked so innocent like this, all curled up and sleeping. You hesitated to call him adorable, but if the shoe fit.

You sighed, picking up your phone and trailing into the single bedroom. Changing quickly into your leisure clothes, you texted one of the people at the pharmacy and requested a few ice packs and a wisdom tooth slushee. Both things were delivered in a matter of minutes, and you placed them securely in the small freezer to wait for Marcus. 

When he woke up, he was significantly less high. Looking around, Marcus poked his cheeks and made a face. “I can’t feel my nose.” 

“The entire bottom half of your face is numb,” you pointed out from your position at the two person table in the kitchen. “And believe me, you’re gonna want it to stay that way.” 

Marcus sat up, looking over at you. “I’m hungry.” 

“No solids for a while,” you told him, standing and grabbing his slushee. “But you can have this. And before you ask, yes you have to use the spoon.” 

Marcus pouted, but took the slushee. “But the cotton.” 

You nodded, settling on the couch next to him. “Open wide.” 

Marcus did, allowing you to shove two fingers into his mouth and fish out the cotton. “Still bleeding,” you mumbled to yourself. “We’ll shove more in there when you’re done. For now,” You tipped the slushee at him. “Eat up.” 

You turned your attention to the TV while Marcus ate slowly, taking tiny bites and occasionally sticking his tongue out. “It’s really numb.” 

“That’ll fade by tomorrow morning,” you promised. “At noon I want you to take your first pills. Then you get more at one.” 

Again, Marcus pouted, but simply sank lower into the couch cushions and mindlessly watched whatever was on TV. “Is my face swelling?” 

You shrugged. “No more than other patients. But yeah, just a bit.” 

“Do I look stupid?” 

The question made you laugh. “Marcus, I’ve had so many ridiculous patients. You’re no worse than some of my other ones, I promise.” 

Marcus accepted this and continued to take small bites of his slushee. “Why’s it gotta be blue?” 

“Because blue isn’t even remotely close to red.” You didn’t even look up as you answered. “Same goes for when little kids get teeth pulled. You want something that’s soft, easy to swallow, and isn’t the color of blood.” 

“Oh.” 

You nodded. “Yeah. How’s your mouth feeling?” 

Marcus mulled it over, eventually deciding on saying “Kinda achy.” 

“I’ll give you those pills soon,” you said. “It’s gonna be tricky, considering any kind of anything touching those holes in your mouth is gonna hurt like a bitch.” 

“Even water?” 

“Even water.” 

Marcus groaned, and you shrugged. “Sorry. But you’re the one who waited until now to do this.” 

When Marcus finished his slushee, you grabbed a pill bottle off the kitchen counter, quickly glancing at the label and nodding. “Two of these,” you said, opening a cabinet and taking out a glass. “Come here.” 

Marcus trudged over, leaning heavily against the counter’s edge. You put the two round pills on the counter, along with the glass of water. “Best to do it quickly. And one at a time.”  

Picking up one of the pills, Marcus carefully put it on his tongue, taking the glass with a hesitant hand. He took a sip, swallowing quickly and audibly. “Can’t I use a straw?” 

“Yeah,” you said sarcastically. “If you want dry socket, go ahead.” 

“Do I want to know what that is?” 

“Nope.” You pushed the second pill towards Marcus. “Take that, then you can lay back down.” 

Marcus sighed, mirroring his previous action. However, instead of simply swallowing with a tight face, Marcus started, eyes filling with tears as he spit the water into the sink, the pill clattering against the metal. 

You immediately began to worry as Marcus cried. It wasn’t a small tear or two either. He was full on sobbing, gripping the edges of the sink so tight his knuckles went white. 

“Marcus,” you murmured, putting a hand on his arm. He looked up at you, and you put on your most comforting smile. “Hey, it’s okay.” You picked up a towel and slowly wiped the residual water off his face. “C’mere.” 

He collapsed into your arms, going limp and continuing to cry. You rubbed his back, heart tightening whenever he let out a whimper of “hurts.” 

“I know,” you said softly. “I know it hurts. But you have to take the pills.” 

“Can’t,” Marcus hiccuped, burying himself deeper into your sweater. 

“Marcus,” you said firmly, slowly untangling him from you. “I know it hurts. But you’ll be in more pain from not taking the pills. Please, for me?” 

He took a breath. “Can we watch TV afterwards?” 

You smiled. “Of course. I can give you ice for the swelling too.” 

Marcus nodded, looking into the sink. “Do I take that one?” 

“No,” you said, fishing a new pill out of the container. “It’s in the sink, I’m not gonna take that risk. Here.” 

Marcus stared at the unassuming white pill in his hand. “Which one is this?” 

“The acetaminophen.” 

“The what?” 

“Tylenol.” 

Marcus nodded, popping the pill into his mouth and quickly gulping down the water. This time, he avoided hitting his stitches and simply handed you the glass. “I’m not doing that again.” 

You took the glass, putting it in the sink. “You have more pills to take in an hour.” 

Marcus groaned. “TV?” 

“Of course,” you said, walking to the couch and smiling as Marcus fell onto it. “What do you wanna watch?” 

Marcus turned his red rimmed puppy dog eyes on you. “Say Yes to the Dress?” 

You laughed. “Are you serious? We can, but that’s not what I expected at all.” 

“I like trash TV when I feel terrible.” Marcus grabbed Mittens and cuddled the stuffed cat to his chest. 

You found the show, setting it up and standing. “More cotton. You're probably still bleeding, and we definitely don’t want that. Open.” 

It took some finessing to get two more wads of cotton into Marcus’s mouth, but you succeeded, despite his complaints of feeling like a cartoon chipmunk. 

 “I’m gonna go start on dinner,” you said.  “Are you gonna be okay here?” 

Marcus pouted. “Do you have to start now?” 

“Yeah.” You gestured to the kitchen. “Don’t worry, I’ll only be gone for twenty minutes. Soup just needs to sit for a while.” 

Slightly consoled, Marcus zoned out at the TV while you got to work making a simple chicken noodle soup. 

“Done,” you said, wiping your hands and walking back to the couch twenty minutes later. “Marcus, are you still awake?” 

Marcus grumbled, holding his hands out. “C’mere.” 

You passed him an ice pack, and he made a face. “Not what I want.” 

“What do you want?” 

As if somehow knowing they were your kryptonite, Marcus gave you his puppy dog eyes. “Wanna hold you.” 

You sighed, but crawled into his arms anyway. When you finally settled, he was on his back, head and neck propped up on the arm of the couch, and you were on your side between the back of the couch and Marcus. He was warm, wrapping one arm loosely over your waist and using the other hand to press the ice into his cheek. 

You quickly slid into a nice comfortable headspace, occasionally smiling when Marcus commented on the wedding dresses on screen. 

“You dropped Mittens,” you realized after a while, shuffling to grab the discarded toy from the floor. 

Marcus took Mittens, gently placing the cat on his chest, so that it was secure on his sternum. 

“Does Mittens belong to Missy?” 

“Belonged to Clara.” 

“Oh.” You saw the change in demeanor, noticed how Marcus’s face steeled when he said her name. He rarely talked about Clara, especially at work. “I’m-“ 

“Nah,” Marcus said, shaking his head. “It’s the past. I’m happy now, and so is Mittens.” 

You nestled deeper into his chest. “Happy right now?” 

“Definitely happy right now,” Marcus said softly. “Very happy, even though I can’t feel my face.” 

“Even if you could,” you mumbled, knowing where this was headed. “You can’t kiss anyone for a while.” 

Marcus grinned. “I guess we’ll just have to wait then, won’t we?” 

You mirrored his mischievous smile. “You can’t kiss,” you said, scooting upwards, until you were laying on top of Marcus, your belly on his ribs. “But I can.” 

You lay gentle kisses across his cheeks, smiling when he laughed at your insistence upon kissing his nose. His cheeks were cold from the ice and tender from the swelling, but Marcus never tried to stop you, so you continued downwards, kissing the pulse points on his neck. 

“You’re a damn tease,”  Marcus huffed. 

You simply smiled into his skin and tugged the collar of his shirt down, pressing firm kisses into the points of his collarbones.

“Hey,” Marcus nudged your head. “Can we finish this when I don’t have a mouth of stitches? I still can’t feel my tongue.” 

“Of course,” you said, pushing his shirt collar back up and laying your head on his sternum. “How long?” 

“Hm?” 

You shrugged, watching a woman try on a stunning wedding dress on the TV. “How long have you wanted to kiss me?” 

Marcus thought it over. “Last year,” he finally decided. “When Missy had three teeth out. You were so kind, and I just melted.” 

“But you didn’t fall in love hard enough to ever pay me a visit,” you teased, tracing the faded symbol on his shirt. 

“Didn’t ever want to go under and realize I’d spilled everything,” Marcus confessed. 

You smiled. “Too late. You said I looked like an Angel in the hallway.” 

Marcus turned bright red, and you laughed at him. “It’s okay,” you promised, kissing his cheek that didn’t have the ice pack. “I think you’re pretty handsome yourself.” 

That night, after dinner and more pills and ice cream for dessert, you and Marcus settled down in the only bedroom, clinging to each other as if your lives depended on it. 

Waking up was hard. Marcus was well enough to go home, most of the swelling gone and the numbness completely faded. 

“So,” you clicked down the halls of the dentist’s office, Marcus behind you. “No really hot liquids for another few days, and try not to do solids until then either. That antibacterial mouthwash should be used twice a day, and you can start brushing your teeth again in two days. Remember, no straws, take your pills, keep icing your cheeks, and if I see you in this office before this time next week, I will be calling your mother.” 

Marcus nodded as you pulled open the lobby door, where Anita and Missy were waiting. “Anything else Doctor?” 

You shook your head. “You should be all clear Mr. Moreno. I’ll be seeing you for your check-up next week. Don’t you go skipping out on me now.” 

Marcus smiled. “Wouldn’t miss it for the world,” he promised, leaning a bit closer to you. “And I cannot wait to kiss you for real.” 

He pulled away, leaving you flushed and dizzy. “See you next week Doctor.” 

“See you next week Mr. Moreno.”

If you liked this, I do dialogue prompt requests as well! Go request something if you want!

[lizzy-frizzle]

I’m going to start this by saying, I have bias. Everyone does. I do not intend for this to come off as “the thing you like is bad”, but moreso “the corporation that controls the thing you like is manipulative”.

My background; I am a 26 year old trans mom, I have a history with addiction, particularly gambling, and spend most of my time playing video games. I have gone to college for about 3 years for my psychology degree, and while I do not have my degree, I have been studying psychology for roughly 12 years. This is to say, my views will reflect this background. Just because I present this information like I do, does not inherently mean I’m right, though it also doesn’t mean I’m wrong. Try to view things with a critical mind, and know that most topics have nuance.

Ok, so lootboxes, booster packs, gacha games, all of these are gambling. This is not really an argument. You are putting money into a service of sorts, and receiving a randomized result. Be that a fancy new gun, that same boring legendary you have 5 of, or that final hero you’ve been trying to collect. You don’t know the outcome before you give your money. As defined by the merriam-webster dictionary: “Gambling; the practice of risking money or other stakes in a game or bet”

You are risking your money in not getting an item you want. There are ways this is handled acceptably, and ways this is handled poorly. Gambling is also illegal to people under 21 in a lot of places, but places online aren’t quick to tell you why. I don’t have any sources because every source requires a paywall to get any information, but pulling from my own personal experience and what I learned in college, it’s because children are very impressionable. I say “I like pokemon” and suddenly my 2-year old can’t go anywhere without her pikachu. I remember distinctly playing poker with my mom and her friends when I was 12. When you normalize gambling, what it does is lower the risk aversion of gambling. You are less likely to see a threat in playing that card game, because when you are that young you have no concept of money. You don’t know what a dollar is, so why not throw it away so you can have fun. This is...I hesitate to call it fine, but it’s mostly harmless. The issue is with children and their lack of knowledge of money. When I grew up and got a job, it’s a lot harder to tell my brain, “hey, don’t spend that money, you won’t get it back and you won’t get what you want.” Because my brain just acknowledges the potential for what I want. I want to buy the booster pack so I can have the potential to get that masterpiece misty rainforest. I want to buy that diamond pack so I have the chance to get the cute hero. I want to buy that lootbox so I can get the battle rifle that does a cool effect. These are harmless concepts, but very dangerous.

Make no mistake, companies know how psychology works, and will use it to their advantage. MatPat from game theory states that companies have even go so far as to have systems in place that change the odds as you’re losing, and monitor your skill level to put you up against harder opponents, to see the better weapons and go, “Oh I want that!” and entice you to buy more lootboxes. As it turns out I found an article covering what he was talking about, Activision had actually acquired a patent to arrange matchmaking to do just that [x], and the article says it’s not in place, but my trust in companies is not high enough to actually believe them.(honestly, matpat made a 2-part video series about lootboxes, and I’d recommend watching them)

So, companies are trying to manipulate you to buy more gambling products. There’s proof of it. It’s also more blatantly obvious in games like Magic the Gathering, where they release fancier versions of cards at rarer probabilities. To better explain it, from a collector’s standpoint, you want the fancy card cause it has value, it has value because it’s rare, rarer than the other versions, so if you’re on the lower end of the income ladder you buy a pack, or two. After all, you could get lucky and get it. On the higher end of the income ladder, you buy the card outright and hoard it. Maybe sell it off later if you notice the price goes down. From a player perspective, you see a card is being used by tournament players, you want to win more games, so you want those cards, which encourages you to buy products and try to get those cards. That’s predatory behavior. It’s predatory from the company’s perspective because that poor person might not be able to afford the card outright, but $5-$10 isn’t much, plus they always entice you with that Chance. They also further this desire for the cards by making it limited runs, such as the secret lair packs, if there’s a low amount purchased and it’s made to order, or worse, if they limit the order capabilities themselves, that drives up the value, and provides further incentive to buy the cards and packs. This not only creates an impossible barrier between the poor and the rich, but also heavily encourages people buy their gambling pack than people would have in other conditions.

For the record, I love magic the gathering, I’m not saying the game itself is bad, this is just a VERY predatory marketing tactic.

Let’s switch gears. Gacha games. I play AFKArena, because like I said, I have a gambling addiction and cannot stop myself. In AFKArena, you collect heroes, and battle with them in various ways. If you collect more of similar heroes you can rank them up. If I’m to believe what I’ve heard, it sounds like this is pretty common for gacha games. So what makes it bad. In AFKArena you use diamonds to summon heroes, now, you can acquire diamonds by beating specific story chapters, logging in every day, random limited time events, or paying for them with real money. AFKArena hero drops don’t seem that bad compared to the free diamond amount they dish out, which has resulted in me not spending all that much money on it, all things considered ($20 over 2 years). I believe that for a mobile game like this, that’s fair. I get way more enjoyment out of the game than I do most $60 games, so it balances out. However, this isn’t the case for every gacha game, and my trust in companies, as previously stated, is very low. The issue lies in them making the rates for good heroes so low that you HAVE to spend money on the game to really get over a roadblock of sorts. I do think that there is this issue in my game and I just didn’t notice it, someone with a lower tolerance or patience might absolutely have the incentive to drop hundreds of dollars on the game over a month. There are people of all different flavours, and it’s important to keep that in mind when discussing these topics, just because a marketing technique doesn’t work on you, does not mean it doesn’t work on anyone. After all, they have those $100 packs for a reason, you might not be that reason but someone is. That’s predatory.

I feel like I’ve gotten off track, let’s get back on the rails. Where was...gambling...predatory…ah, kids. So my biggest issue, is that Magic the Gathering is marketed towards 13 year olds. Not directly, but the packs say 13+. AFKArena and any mobile game for that matter, can be downloaded by anyone with a phone for free, with minimal mention that there’s microtransactions. AAA title games like Destiny 2, Overwatch, Fortnite, etc. are probably the worst offenders. A kid spent $16,000 of his parents money on fortnite in-game purchases, and that’s not the only time this has happened [x] [x] . More often than not, what happens is, the kid wants to play a video game, like halo on xbox, or destiny, or something, they ask their mom for their credit card, and the system saves it. I mentioned before that kids do not have a concept of money or its value, so giving kids unlimited access to the credit card is going to result in this kind of thing happening. I’m not blaming the parents for not being hypervigilant, sometimes you are really busy, or disabled, or whatever the reason, and you don’t notice the system just saved your card. I’m not blaming the kids cause their brains are literally underdeveloped. I blame the corporations, because they make the process as easy as possible to prey on kids and people with gambling addictions. (as a personal anecdote, I found that if I want a magic card in MtG:O, I’m way less likely to try and buy it if I have to get up and get my card, I’d recommend not saving your card if you suffer from gambling/addiction problems)

So after all of this evidence, how can anyone still view these things as anything but predatory? The answer is simple. You’re told they aren’t. Businesses spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on really good marketing, and public relations. I tried to google why gambling is illegal for people under 21, and got nothing, I got a couple forums asking the question, and a couple religious sites saying it’ll make them degenerates. I try looking up sources to prove the psychology behind these concepts, but they are locked behind paywall after paywall after paywall. Businesses and capitalism has made it so incredibly hard to discover the truth and get information you need, and it’s on purpose. They want you to trust that that booster pack is a good idea. They want you to spend money on lootboxes (look at all the youtubers that shill out for raid shadow legends, or other gambling games to their super young fanbase [x]). They want you to lower your guard and go, “well, it’s a video game, how can it be predatory?” “it’s a card game with cute creatures on it, surely it’s not that bad”

But it is. So why did I make this post? I dunno, my brain really latched onto the topic, I see so many people enjoying gacha games, but I’m worried that it’s going to ruin lives...I just want everyone to be informed and critical of what is going on.

[evakuality]

Mia, episode five

1.  One thing Druck is super good at is these aesthetic shots.  This whole opening bit reminds me of the scene with Amira when she’s praying in her room.  Lots of beautiful shots of the room, curtains and stuff, which are just super pretty with a few hints of colour.  I dunno, this is just an aesthetic I like and I appreciate that Druck caters to me.  Mia is so cute, too!  Like both the way she looks and also how kind she is.  She still doesn’t really like Alex a lot (though you could see in that montage from the previous night that she’s warming up to him) but she still feels like she should leave things looking nice.  These little post-it notes are sort of cute too, and you can see that she thinks they’re sweet.  I don’t like this Bjorn though.

2.  Interesting that we get a clip specifically one week later.  I have no idea how that must have felt while this was live, and I’m really glad that I didn’t have to live through these long gaps in any of the things I did watch in real time.  This one was reasonably low key though, so maybe the wait wasn’t as agonising.  If you didn’t know who Bjorn is (I’m assuming the Niko character) then nothing in the last couple of clips would have felt all that alarming.  But Mia’s so flirty here - that one conversation at his house must have really charmed her.  Pity we didn’t really get to hear a lot of it because he still hasn’t charmed me!!  And actually that ‘show a montage of how things are going while a song and/or other conversation plays overtop’ is a huge thing Druck does, I think.  I feel like in some cases (Matteo and David after their first pool kiss moment, for example, or Hanna and Jonas breaking up) work quite well.  But here, I think we needed to hear more of Alex to actually believe that Mia would be this flirty with him.  For me, this is too big a turnaround from her very cold manner with him at the piano and an actual proper look at that conversation might have helped.  But also, I am super biased because William and so maybe a more reasonable person might like it okay.  This bit with Linn is weird.  Genuinely creepy, and I’m not sure why they’re setting her up to feel like this.  Maybe some sort of hint of the creepiness to come with Bjorn (I’m assuming it’s coming, anyway).

3.  I don’t get this bit with all the pictures at the school.  I assume it will become obvious later but I’m not sure what exactly they were trying to do with this.  You’d think they run the risk of having the whole Abi chaker clan thing shut down - if this happened in my school there’d be so much trouble.  A groups of kids once put post-its all over one teacher’s room and they got in SO much trouble for it, and that wasn’t obscene like this is.  This thing here seems so targeted at the Abi thing, using their plan specifically, that it feels like someone outside the group wants them not to be allowed to run their theme.  Or someone in the group who wants a different motto maybe.  I don’t know, but it feels very mean and very specifically directed at this group of people.

4.  Hmmm, I’m with Leonie on this one.  I’d be giving Carlos the super evil stare too.  It may be ‘funny’ to some of these people, but given that there are younger kids at this school (I assume, right?  They still have classes running for the smaller ones at the end of Matteo’s season, allowing their prank to go ahead) this is sure to go down really badly with the school itself.  I’m rolling my eyes at the ones who are outraged that the school is considering reporting it - what did they expect?  Also, surely they can figure out who was doing it - people were literally throwing handfuls of the pictures over the stairs.  Surely they could work out who it is.  It’s pretty clear that Alex still thinks this is funny and I’m losing patience with him.  Every time it seems like maybe he’s getting less gross he goes and acts like this again.  Bleh.  I’m not often rooting for Leonie and feeling for her, but wow today I really am.  This is shitty and she has a right to be angry.

5.  Ew, Alex, why are you stalking Mia again?  She’s made it pretty clear she’s not happy with you.  Turning up out of the blue like a creep isn’t a good way to go about winning her over again.  His ‘we were drunk, what can you do?’ is so... stupid???  They’ve lost money from this, the school is really angry, they could easily have some pretty bad consequences and he’s all ‘meh, it was a drunken prank’?  I know money isn’t an issue for him, but there are issues here beyond the money.  I’m also kind of annoyed that everyone keeps suggesting she’s upset because she’s jealous.  I’ll be really annoyed if the show carries on this way - this isn’t just a silly little prank, and people have every right to be angry and annoyed.  Diminishing it to jealousy isn’t cool.  Is Leonie also jealous?  The people who are angry and upset they’re being blamed and their money has been taken?

6.  I do love scenes where the whole girl squad is together.  They make me happy and I miss seeing them together so much.  But OMG, Alex is blackmailing Mia again????  I mean I guess it worked the first time so why wouldn’t he?  But this is seriously shitty behaviour.  Honestly, in clip one I was mildly starting to warm to him with the post-its and all, but he’s managed to speed run right back into ‘asshole’ category.  This was the problem in the og as well - William was such an asshole, that in order to make him likeable, we had to see a much more genuinely villainous character.  Alex is still super dislikeable and so we need someone ‘worse’ to make him look palatable, which I assume is coming.  We’re halfway through - we should like him by now.  I dunno.  Maybe some people do?  But he still has done nothing to make me think he’s nice or someone who Mia might be attracted to.

7.  Oh a long Friday clip?  Almost half the episode?  I guess it’s going to be a rough one for Mia then.  More reflections again - her whole face in the mirror now, but it’s surrounded by graffiti.  I’m always fascinated by the way mirrors and reflections work, and it’s fun to see Mia slightly obscured in her mirrors even now.  It’s not as disjointed as it was at the start but it’s not a fully clear reflection either.  I may not like the way Noora/Mia’s story goes but I do like some of these things which show the progress.

8.  I feel kind of sorry for Jonas, because that break up wasn’t his choice.  But seriously, he seems to be blaming this on Hanna a bit and like ????? He chose to make her feel small and unworthy through her whole season.  She’s allowed to try to figure herself out outside of him and his wants and needs.  Eh, I know he’s hurting and all, but that’s actually his issue and he shouldn’t be pushing it on her.

9.  This scene with Mia and Alex bothers me.  He still seems to have no idea why she might find his actions (selfish and self-serving and filled with blackmail) offputting.  ‘I fixed it, so we should totally be together now’ is such an immature and childish take on this.  These types of guys need to grow up and learn that they can’t just buy and/or coerce their way into whatever they want.  I like the way they decide to have Kiki walk past just as Mia has to choose whether to say she doesn’t want Alex or not.  It adds a poignancy to it and Mia obviously chooses to stick by her friends.  I do wish it felt more conflicting, like if Alex genuinely had changed or had shown he has depth or something it would be a bigger ‘wow she’s rejecting him for her friend’ but instead he’s still such an unpleasant character that I don’t care.

10.  I’m not sure why Mia does the brushing off of the makeup - I feel like it made more sense when Noora did it (I mean I watched it once a very long time ago so who knows, but my memory is that it was her way of trying to reject being ‘pretty’ and having guys liking her because it was messing her up).  With Mia, I don’t understand.  Someone help me out?

11.  I still don’t get what Mia sees in Alex.  Again, I know I have a really big bias against him because of William and I know it was always going to be tough for him to be someone I care about.  But even so, this feels like a huge whiplash when she says of course she likes him.  I’d get it if we’d seen any of his development, but every time he took a mini step forward he shoved himself right back into dislikeable territory.  Once again, I mourn the actual conversation between Mia and Alex.  This all feels far too fast, and the fact that this is suggesting his blackmail is all good is very worrying.  All the post-it notes in the world can’t make me think he’s nice enough to want to kiss.

Overall, I didn’t really like this one.  I feel like the pacing is still off; I don’t believe the speed at which Mia has fallen for him and honestly it hasn’t been very long since Kiki was with Alex and had her heart broken.  The fact that Mia even saw her and told him she doesn’t like him only to turn around immediately and change her mind is strange to me.  Mia has always come across as a caring person who tries to do the right thing and help out her friends.  That she has apparently no qualms at this point is difficult for me.  They’re acting the hell out of this, but I can’t buy it.  Unfortunately.  Sadly, because this is based on a very flawed original, I don’t think it’s going to make me enjoy these two.  There are things that I’m interested in seeing as we go forward but most of those have zero to do with Alex.

[dracothedeatheatingcupcake-ao3]

TPWP One Shot: The Problem with Apologies

Hey guys!!! 

So! Yesterday, someone commented on how Mondo had never really apologized to Taka about anything, and I realized that... yeah, I never did have him do that, did I? I always intended on it, but it never fit with the story and the more that time went on, the less sense Mondo apologizing would make sense. I always assumed that Mondo did apologize at some point, though, but I know y’all can’t know that unless I write it. 

So! I did! 

This is a little mini one shot that fits in between chapter 11 and chapter 12. Which, for reference, is right after their first sleep over after they became friends, but before the pool game between Mondo and Sakura, the chapter that we learn about Taka’s first “friend.” 

I will eventually be adding this to AO3 and FF . net, but it’s going to go into it’s own story, something made for these little mini one shots and things like that, if I ever have anymore. If not, it will just be by itself. I don’t want to actually add it to TPWP, since it would mess up the chapter numbers, which I use for my own reference as to when things happened. Plus, I’m... not entirely sure how well it fits in that location??? It’s been a while since I read/edited those chapters, and while I think it fits, I’m not entirely sure. So, leaving it as a bonus thing makes most sense to me. I’m posting this here now, though, since it’s done and since some people have been wanting it. :-) Think of it as a reward for following my Tumblr, ha. 

It’s about 4K words, so pretty short for my standards, but I kinda like it. :-) I hope it’s a good apology from Mondo for how he acted in the first 10 chapters, before they became friends.

~~~~~~~~

The Problem with Apologies

Taka sits beside Mondo on the couch, working side by side on their homework. Ever since they became kyoudai (!!) a few days ago, he and Mondo have been doing things like this a lot. Working on homework, studying together, things like that. It’s honestly been a lot easier to tutor Mondo now that they’re friends (and now that the biker is using his glasses, which he’s been fairly good at doing. When they’re alone, at least), which relieves Taka greatly. Part of him had honestly been concerned that things would go back to how they were before, even with their newfound brotherhood, but so far… so far that’s not been the case. Thank goodness…

 It’s also been kind of… nice. You know? To have someone beside him to study with, enjoying the quiet with them, helping them when they need it. And Mondo definitely needs it, there’s quite a lot he doesn’t know in relation to, well… everything. But he’s been trying his hardest to listen to Taka when he speaks, to not get frustrated and yell, doing all he can to accept Taka’s help. And in return, Taka has been doing his best to realize when Mondo has had enough and stop before he reaches that point, and it’s all just been… good. Nice. Really, really nice…

 Currently, they are both working on their algebra homework, a subject that Mondo is actually pretty good at now that he can see the numbers without struggle. He still needs help figuring out how to do some of the problems, but once Taka explains it, he usually understands and can do the rest of the similar problems without issue. It honestly makes Taka feel so proud of his kyoudai, his heart fluttering with the feeling. 

 Minutes pass as the pair work, Taka going back to check his completed answers once he finishes the page they were assigned. No words are uttered as they work quietly together, the atmosphere amiable and light. Mondo is relaxed beside him, and everything is just… good. So very, very good…

 Of course this peace had to be broken eventually. It always does…

 It’s right as Taka has finished going over his work for a third time (you can never be too careful!!) that Mondo finally puts down his pencil, leaning back on the couch. Taka— assuming this means that Mondo is done— turns to face his new kyoudai, smile bright on his lips. The smile dims when he sees the troubled expression on Mondo’s face, the biker looking at the ground with a frown, seeming very unhappy about something. So unhappy that even Taka can notice it, which is saying something considering how bad he normally is at reading facial expressions. It concerns Taka greatly, not wanting his new friend to be upset about anything, really. 

 As such, Taka carefully does his best to ask the biker what— exactly— is wrong, hoping that he’s not offending the teen.

 “K-kyoudai? Are you… alright? You seem… perturbed…” Taka asks softly, nerves filling him at the thought that he said something wrong, and that Mondo is going to yell at him for bothering him. Yes, they’re kyoudai now, but… b-but that doesn’t mean that Mondo won’t get annoyed by him, that he won’t get angry like he has before, that he… h-he won’t yell and storm out and say he doesn’t want to be kyoudai anymore, and… a-and…

 “Huh? Oh, uh… n-nah, I’m good, man. Just, uh… thinkin’ ‘bout shit, ya know?” Mondo mutters after a moment, breaking Taka from his thoughts. Taka looks back at Mondo and sees the biker looking at him, though his eyebrows are still furrowed, and his lips are still turned down. Hm… that doesn’t seem good… “The fuck does that word even mean, though? Per… whatever ya fuckin’ said. Swear yer makin’ up half a’ these words, shit.” 

 Unbidden, Taka finds himself smiling softly, some amusement filling him at the now typical question, even despite the concern he still feels. Mondo always is confused by the terminology that Taka uses… at least the teen feels comfortable enough around him to ask about it! It’s… something. 

 “Ah! My apologies! Perturbed means upset or unsettled, kyoudai! And I… I apologize for my assumption that something was wrong! I’m… not very good at reading facial expressions, I will admit…” 

 Taka’s cheeks blush red at his unintended confession, his eyes falling to the ground with his shame. He’s been trying his best to be a good friend to Mondo, but there’s so much he doesn’t know and it’s times like this that that becomes apparent. He… he wishes he knew more about being around other people… he wishes he could be a good friend to Mondo… he… h-he… 

 Taka startles when he feels gentle fingers touch his cheek, his eyes wide as his lifts his face to look at the teen before him, heart clenching at the sad, somewhat guilty look he finds there. Oh… oh dear, that wasn’t what he wanted… not at all…

 “Hey, Taka, it… it’s good, bro. Not a fuckin’ problem. An’, uh… shit. Guess ya could say I’m fuckin’, uh… perturbed, or whatever… j-just, uh. Ya know. Thinkin’ ‘bout shit.”

 Taka can see Mondo fidget on the couch beside him, the biker taking his hand back now that Taka is facing him, and he… he wishes he could help his kyoudai with whatever is bothering him… if it’s bugging him this much, it must be serious and he… he wants to help. If he can…

 “A-ah, I… I see. Um… would you… like to talk about it? Y-you do not have to if you do not wish! Please do not feel pressured! Just… I- I am here… if you’d like to talk…” 

 Taka does his best not to fidget as Mondo stares at him following his offer, his cheeks bright red and burning hot. He feels like such an idiot for offering such a thing, of course Mondo doesn’t need his help, Taka is terrible at social matters, terrible at being comforting, terrible at… at everything relating friendship, really, g-god…

 “Oh, uh… s-shit man, I uh… I don’t wanna bother you with this shit, ain’t yer problem… t-though, uh… shit. Shit, I… I guess it kinda does involve you, so maybe… uh… fuck.” 

 Taka watches as Mondo continues to fidget in his seat, his face pinched and tight, the biker clearly uncomfortable but Taka has no idea how to help. Or what Mondo means when he says that it… it involves him… hm…

 Feeling very uncertain, Taka does his best to shove away his anxiety and smiles shakily at Mondo, hoping that what he’s about to say will help, not make this worse…

 “Ah, I… I see. Well, just know that I am here for you, kyoudai, and if there is anything you wish to talk about, I am more than willing to participate! We are friends, and friends help one another! R… right?” 

 The sad, sympathetic look Mondo gives him for that comment makes him feel weird inside, his stomach squirming at the look. It’s not the first time Mondo has looked at him like that, especially after he makes reference to the fact that he never really had friends growing up and thus doesn’t really know how friendship works, and he… he doesn’t like it much. Hm… oh dear… 

 “Yeah… yeah, friends do help each other, kyoudai. I just… I don’t wanna bring up shit that doesn’t matter, ya know? But I can’t help but think that maybe it does, an’ I just… f-fuck, man. I dunno. Don’t even know why I’m thinkin’ ‘bout this shit now. Just… shit. God fuckin’ dammit…” 

 Taka’s heart clenches further at the grimace Mondo has on his face, and Taka really has no idea what to do. Should he… try and comfort? Reassure? Say nothing and let Mondo handle it on his own? He… he doesn’t know, he truly doesn’t, and he doesn’t want to mess up and ruin things between the two of them, certainly not now that they finally worked everything out and things are good and… a-and…

 “Shit. Okay, look, I… I was thinkin’ ‘bout these last few days, right? How… how this shit is nice. Doin’ fuckin’ schoolwork beside ya, not needin’ ta talk ta fill the silence or shit. It… it’s fuckin’ nice, ya know? Ta me at least. An’ I, uh… I was thinkin’ ‘bout how I’m glad we’re kyoudai now. Shit, Taka… words can’t describe how happy I am that we… we’re fuckin’ kyoudai,” Mondo admits, looking kind of embarrassed, but mostly genuine. Taka is confused, though. That… that doesn’t sound bad… right? So why… w-why does Mondo feel perturbed? 

 Taka doesn’t get a chance to ask before Mondo is continuing, the biker sighing and shifting awkwardly on the couch, looking decidedly uncomfortable, though on he goes…

 “But… shit. I couldn’t help but think ‘bout the shit I did ta ya. B’fore we became kyoudai. An’ how I… how I fuckin’ treated ya. The shit I did. The shit I said. An’ I… I fuckin’… shit…”

 Mondo trails off, the unhappy, uncomfortable look growing worse. It makes Taka’s heart clench, and he’s reaching out to gently touch Mondo’s hand before he can tell himself not to. He feels his heart skip a beat when Mondo’s lavender eyes immediately meet his, the emotion swirling in their depths too much for him. But he can’t say nothing, can’t let Mondo be upset about something like this, so he pushes the emotion within him down and does his best to smile reassuringly. If such a thing is even possible for him to do…

 “Ah, kyoudai! You needn’t worry about things like that! I… I’ve forgiven you for everything that happened before we became friends, you know that! We… we are good, my kyoudai! You needn’t worry about what happened before! It’s in the past and it doesn’t bother me, kyoudai! It… it truly doesn’t.” 

 Taka can feel his throat get thick and his heart clench again when Mondo gives him a sad look, his smile forlorn and twisted. Oh… oh no, Taka doesn’t want that, he… he…

 “But I… shit, man. I never fuckin’ apologized fer any a’ it… did I? The shit I did. How can ya fuckin’ fergive me if I ain’t done shit ta earn it? Ya… yer too fergivin’, man… s-shit…” 

 Something about the words hurts Taka inside, his heart clenching painfully at the softly spoken statement. He gives Mondo a slightly desperate, pleading look, wishing he knew what to say to make Mondo stop looking at him like that. Like he… he’s unhappy with him, g-god…

 “I- I… t-that doesn’t matter, kyoudai! If you- you apologized or not! You have shown me through deed that you regret what you did and I… I know that things are different now and that we are- are friends now. And that… M-Mondo, that… that means more to me than words can say, truly… and I… I don’t need an apology, Mondo… kyoudai… i-it’s truly okay…” 

 The sad look in Mondo’s eyes gets worse, then, the biker letting out a soft, unhappy sounding sigh. It makes Taka’s eyes water, his breath shuddering in his chest, wondering what he did wrong, why- why Mondo is still unhappy, he- he forgave him, didn’t he? I-isn’t that what Mondo wanted? To be forgiven? Does he want something else from him? God, if Taka knew what he wanted, he’d give it, he swears he would, he just… he doesn’t want to lose Mondo, not so soon, he can’t… he can’t…

 Taka startles when he feels a warm hand grasp his own, their fingers twining naturally. It makes Taka’s heart race for a different reason, his cheeks flushed from more than just embarrassment now… 

 “Shit, Taka… fuck, bro. Ya shouldn’t hafta settle fer second rate shit just ‘cuz… I dunno. Ya think ya gotta. Ya don’t fuckin’ deserve ta be treated like shit… ya… ya do know that, right? That the shit I did ta ya was fuckin’ shitty an’ ya… ya didn’t fuckin’ deserve it? Taka…” 

 Taka squirms at the things Mondo is saying, feeling very uncomfortable right now. Part of him wants to pull away from the biker, to stop this conversation from happening, not wanting to talk about this, but… but he… god. He doesn’t know. He doesn’t want to offend Mondo, either, and he just feels so conflicted… hm…

 “I… I know that, I… I just… I’ve forgiven you. I- I… I don’t know what else you want me to say, Mondo… k-kyoudai… I… I’m sorry…” 

 Mondo sighs again, the sound carrying more emotion than Taka can decipher, and it makes him feel awful. God… if only he were just better at this sort of thing, then maybe… maybe Mondo wouldn’t be upset, and they could go back to working quietly together without worrying about- about what happened in the past, about useless apologies and… and things like that. He just… he wants to focus on the future, not the past, he… he wants…

 “Taka… fuck,” Mondo mutters softly, sounding so very sad. It guts Taka and he hates it and he just… he wants… but then Mondo is shifting closer. Their hands are still twined, but now he is pressed closer to Mondo, can feel his overwhelming warmth, and it’s so much, too much, and Taka doesn’t know what to think, and he just… h-he just… 

 “Taka. Kyoudai. I ain’t mad at ya… okay? None a’ this shit is yer fault, man. I don’t expect shit from ya, ‘cuz y’ain’t done nothin’ wrong. It… it’s me who’s fucked up here. I’m the one who did all that shit ta ya. Who acted like a fuckin’ jackass an’ hurt ya. Y’ain’t done nothin’ an’ it ain’t you who’s gotta apologize. This ain’t yer fault. Okay? It ain’t.” 

 Taka can feel his eyes water more, his insides hurting at the soft, gentle words. Mondo… he… he isn’t mad, he… he’s…

 “An’ I… I am sorry. Ya know. ‘Bout the shit I did. Know that sayin’ it ain’t enough, know I gotta prove myself ta ya an’ fuckin’ make up fer my fucked-up bullshit these past couple a’ months. But I… I’m so fuckin’ sorry I did that shit ta ya. That I acted like a jackass an’ hurt ya so fuckin’ bad. That I… I made ya cry so many goddam times. An’… an’ that I called ya that word. That fuckin’ slur. Ain’t shit I can say ta excuse that shit, any a’ it, so I’m not even gonna bother tryin’, but I… god, I’m so fuckin’ sorry, Kiyo… I really fuckin’ am…” 

 Taka can feel the first tears start to fall then, his insides roiling so unpleasantly at the apology he didn’t expect, and… and didn’t really want. He… god, he didn’t want to think about all of this, didn’t want to think about the things Mondo did to him, the pain he went through at the hands of his now beloved kyoudai, he… he doesn’t…

 “A-an’ now I’m makin’ ya cry again… f-fuck, I’m so fuckin’… I’m so sorry, Taka, I… I’m so fuckin’ sorry… didn’t mean ta make ya cry… hate seein’ ya cry, I… Kiyo…” 

 Taka shakes his head, frantic and fast, and he looks Mondo deep in the eyes. The pain he finds there hurts him badly, and he can’t help how he shifts even closer to the biker, wanting to- to be closer, to… to get comfort, to provide comfort, he- he doesn’t know, he… he doesn’t…

 “M-Mondo… k-kyoudai… i-it’s okay! I… I told you, I forgive you, it… it’s okay… a-and it’s not your fault I’m crying, I promise! M-Mondo, I… I’m sorry…” 

 Mondo lets out a soft, unhappy noise then, and before Taka can feel afraid that he messed up more, that Mondo is unhappy with him again, he… he feels…

 He feels Mondo pull him close… the biker’s arms around him, warm and secure, pulling his head to a warm, broad chest. Taka doesn’t know what to think as this occurs, doesn’t know what is expected of him, but he can feel some of the pressure inside of him fade as he allows himself to go easily into Mondo’s arms, the steady thumping of his kyoudai’s heartbeat more soothing than words can say. 

 “Kyoudai… shit, man. Y’ain’t gotta apologize fer that shit, okay? I don’t need ya ta apologize fer that kinda shit. Y’ain’t always gotta apologize. My fucked-up bullshit ain’t yer problem, man. Neither is my fuckin’ guilt. I hurt you, Kiyo. I should feel some guilt fer that shit, even if ya do fergive me. Yer too fuckin’ fergivin’, man. I… shit…” 

 Taka says nothing as he buries his face in Mondo’s chest, his breathing more ragged than it likely should be. He can feel Mondo’s hands rub soothing circles on his back, and it makes him simultaneously feel better and worse. Silence descends around them after that, the only sound Taka’s soft sniffling and Mondo’s quiet breathing. It’s… it’s oddly peaceful…

 Before long, Taka feels okay enough to pull his face back from the nest he’d made on Mondo’s chest, though he doesn’t remove himself from Mondo’s arms, not… not wanting to leave the warm embrace just yet… and while part of him wants to ignore the conversation they just had and continue on without ever talking about this stuff again, he… he doesn’t want Mondo to think he’s upset with him, or that he doesn’t actually forgive him, or… or anything like that… 

 “I… I understand, kyoudai, I just… y-you’re the first person to apologize to me, y-you know. For how you… how you treated me… but it- i-it’s unnecessary, kyoudai… you’ve proven through deed that you regret what you did, which is already more than what anyone else has ever done, so you… y-you don’t have to say it… I- I… I don’t want you to say it, I…” 

 Taka can feel the burning look Mondo is giving him, though he can’t bear to look Mondo head on to see the look himself. He can’t… h-he can’t… 

 “Ya deserve ta be apologized ta, Taka. Ya deserve ta have people acknowledge the shit they did ta ya. Ya… ya shouldn’t hafta blindly fergive people who can’t even be bothered ta say that shit, I… Taka…” 

 Taka bites his lip, shrugging stiffly, unsure how to explain what he means. God, is it hard…

 “I… I know that, kyoudai. But… I- I don’t know. I- I don’t… I don’t like… h-hm. C-can we please stop talking about this? W-we still have some more homework to finish, I know you’ve not done our physics assignment… and I wanted to go over it to make sure I did it properly… M-Mondo… p-please…” 

 Taka can feel the burning look intensify, can feel his stomach squirming in response, and he wants so bad for this conversation to be over with already, to not have to keep talking about this, to just… j-just be done with this already, please… he’s forgiven Mondo, he has, he doesn’t know why the biker refuses to accept this, he… what more can he give, he doesn’t know, he just… just… 

 “I… shit. Fuck. I… yeah. Okay, Taka. If ya wanna move on an’ do our fuckin’ homework… okay,” Mondo mumbles, his tone clearly unhappy, but Taka can’t fix that. He… he doesn’t know how to fix that…

 Instead, Taka nods stiffly and moves to grab his book bag that he keeps all his textbooks in, hating himself for his inability to be what Mondo needs him to be. He feels some regret at being forced to leave his kyoudai’s embrace to grab the book, but maybe… maybe it’s for the better…

 An uneasy silence fills the room as the pair grabs their stuff and prepares to work on the assignment their teacher gave them. Taka had already finished the work a while ago (like he’d already finished the algebra work, though he’d pretended he hadn’t for Mondo’s sake), but it’s always good to practice! Practice… practice makes perfect… 

 However… before Taka can start talking about the assignment and explaining to Mondo roughly how it works (even though he’s not one hundred percent sure himself, he’s not the best at physics after all), Mondo… Mondo speaks again… oh, god… 

 “Hey. Taka. Know ya… ya wanna move the fuck on, an’ I’ll respect that shit, okay? I get that my apology made ya uncomfortable, an’… shit. If ya don’t like it, I won’t do it again, promise. But, Taka… know that I mean it when I say ya don’t deserve ta go through that shit. Okay? An’… an’ while I won’t try an’ do this kinda shit again, don’t wanna make ya upset… know that when I fuck up? I am sorry. An’ I… I will do everythin’ I fuckin’ can ta show ya how sorry I am. ‘Through deed,’ as ya put it. I may be a fuckin’ criminal biker, but I know when I fuck up. An’ I… I won’t make ya uncomfortable, Kiyo, but I ain’t gonna do nothin’ when I fuck up. So… I’ll just hafta show ya how sorry I am. I guess.” 

 The comment hurts Taka as badly as all the others, knowing he doesn’t deserve it, but he doesn’t say that. He just nods stiffly, eyes firmly on his textbook, waiting for Mondo to open his to the right page. Which— after a tense moment— Mondo does, the biker sighing softly again. 

 After that, Taka begins talking about the assignment, voice a little too shaky, but he does his best to explain everything the best he can. As time goes on, it gets easier to talk, Mondo chiming in here and there with his own comments on the work. It takes a while, almost half an hour, but by the time they finish the work, things between them are easy again. Taka’s smile is real, and Mondo’s eyes no longer hold the heaviness that Taka couldn’t help but notice. And that… that’s good. It’s… it’s good. Taka determines to forget this ever happened, not wanting to dwell on negative things that don’t matter. 

 However…

 However, as he and Mondo are cleaning up, Taka having a meeting with his local Morals Committee that he’s been working on in his spare time… he feels the urge to say something. Not anything big, but just… something. 

 “Hey… Mondo?” Taka asks softly, fiddling with the bag strap he has hanging across his chest, eyes on the ground even though he knows how weak it makes him. He can feel Mondo’s curious gaze upon him, and it almost makes him lose his nerve entirely. God…

 “Yeah? What’s up, kyoudai? Somethin’ the matter?”

 Taka bites his lip, shrugging uncomfortably, not knowing how to say what he wants to say, but knowing he wants to say something. What a conundrum… 

 “N-no, nothing like that. I just… well. I wanted to thank you. For… for what you said earlier. I know I may not have seemed the most appreciative, but I… I did appreciate your words. Your… y-your apology. It’s just… I don’t need that, kyoudai. I really don’t. Having your friendship is enough for me. I promise you that it is, my dearest kyoudai. I promise.” 

 A pregnant silence fills the room this time, Mondo’s eyes heavy upon his person, and it makes Taka feel very uncomfortable, though he does his best not to fidget. He still can’t meet Mondo’s eyes, and he… he hopes that’s okay…

 “Shit… yeah, I, uh… I get what ya mean. I… shit. I’ve never liked getting apologies either, ya know. Daiya, he… he’d apologize sometimes fer shit that wasn’t really his fault, or even shit that was, but I… I… shit. Never much liked it. So, I… I get it. But that don’t mean I don’t feel it, okay, Kiyo? Sorry fer hurtin’ ya. An’ if I ever hurt ya again, real bad, then I… I can’t promise I won’t try an’ apologize then. But unless that shit is big, I… I’ll try not ta do it. Okay? ‘Less ya tell me otherwise. That… that’s all I can offer, heh…” 

 Taka finds some hidden strength in him to look his kyoudai in the eye, a small half smile on his lips at Mondo’s words. While it may not make sense, he… he’s honestly glad Mondo promised that. He understands the importance of apologies and he thinks it’s good to apologize to people you’ve hurt. But he just… for himself, he… he doesn’t need that. He doesn’t really even want that. He just wants to move on and forget it ever happened, really. 

 “I… t-thank you, kyoudai. Thank you.”

 After that, he and Mondo exit the room, the biker lifting a hand to wave goodbye as Taka heads to the location that his Morals Committee meets. So far, it’s only him, a couple reserve students, and one staff member, but that’s okay! Taka has started Morals Committees with less people before, and they clearly did well enough that it got him here, didn’t they? So, he’s not bothered by it. All he needs is time, effort, and dedication!

 With that… anything is possible. 

 ~~~~~

(In case anyone is confused, Taka’s problem with apologies is that they embarrass him. He doesn’t think he deserves to be apologized to, nor has he ever been apologized to before by anyone, so having Mondo apologize makes him very uncomfortable. I have a similar problem, though I’m not that bad with it, ha. I also put it to kind of explain why Mondo doesn’t apologize that much later in the story. Maybe it’s a bit of a cop out, but eh. It’s something, and I hope y’all like it.)

[platypanthewriter]

Growth

Harringrove April prompt 27: Growth! Max really wants Steve to know Billy's changed.  Steve has doubts...at first, until he and Billy get a chance to talk.  Also, yay, touchstarved AU.

“Sooooo Billy’s been getting better, you say,” Dustin said loudly, as he climbed into the passenger seat, and Max climbed in behind Steve.

She groaned.  “Yes!” she said, like Dustin was deaf, leaning around to yell in Steve’s ear.  “He’s much better.”

“Why are you yelling,” Steve muttered, leaning to see through the back, so he could back out of the parking space.  

“Since he saved El,” Dustin practically shouted at Steve, and he eased off the gas to stare over.  “He saved her,” Dustin said again, like this was news.  “Billy did,” he added, like Steve was maybe brain-damaged, or Max had forgotten about her brother landing in the hospital.

“I know,” Steve told him, raising his eyebrows.  “I remember.”

“He saved El,” Max said, and Steve stared at her in the rearview mirror, until a thought occurred to him, and his eyes narrowed.

“...are you two high,” he asked, sniffing the air, and Max punched him in the shoulder.  

“No!” she shouted, kicking his seat.

“Hrm,” he said, pulling out of the parking lot, but keeping a wary eye on both of them, and then...Steve started to put the clues together.  “Holy shit, wait, are you from the future?  Trying to figure out the, y’know, the timeline.  Oh my god, can you go through time in the Upside-Down?!”

“Shut up, Steve,” Max sighed heavily, her face smushed into the back of his seat.  

“I mean, it’d be worth a try,” Dustin said, brightening, and Steve sighed with Max, disappointed.  

“We were talking about my brother,” she said, flatly, like Steve had tired her out.  

“Why?!” Steve asked bluntly, turning on the road towards the Wheeler’s.  “Because he hasn’t given anybody a concussion recently?”

“...three months since the last head injury incident,” Dustin whispered, snickering, and Max smacked his shoulder, growling like her brother.  

“He’s better,” she hissed, thumping back against her seat, and crossing her arms.

“Uh, yeah, yeah he is,” Dustin said, grimacing, and Steve stared over at him, and into the rearview at Max, and came very close to running a red light.

“What is going on with you two,” he breathed, staring between them, and starting to wonder about weirder theories, like doppelgangers, or possession.  “Shit, can the Mindflayer get two people now?”

“...I’m telling him it’s hopeless,” Max said, looking at Dustin, and he grimaced, and sighed.

Steve couldn’t stop wondering what the hell that was about, and the next time he had a few hours, he drove down to the pool, and watched Billy’s water aerobics class—which he knew he was in, because now that he thought about it, Max talked about Billy a lot.  He did look better, Steve thought grudgingly, for a given of ‘last time I saw this person, he had a hole in him the size of a basketball hoop.’  

It was hard to imagine him having changed enough to warrant Max’s unending praises, and Steve clenched his fists, remembering Billy’s fists hitting his face, and the way Max had flinched away from her brother’s hands.

He wandered back into the locker rooms, biting his lips.  

Since the water aerobics class was mostly grandmas, Billy wandered back in alone, and shuffled into the shower to lean against the post in the center.  His legs shook, a little, and Steve felt kinda shitty all of a sudden for just standing there watching.  The bench was hard as hell anyway—and what was he even gonna say, he asked himself, groaning.  

He stood up, brushing his pants off automatically, and then he heard Billy’s voice say “...Steve Harrington?”

“...no?” Steve tried, turning around with a grimace, and Billy snorted a laugh, shampooing his hair.  

“The hell are you doing in here?  Dressed?”

“Hrm,” said Steve, wondering about that himself.  Billy did look so much better, Steve could see Max’s fascinated relief.  He could stand and take a shower, the water running over his muscles, even if he needed to lean one hand on the showerhead post while he washed his hair.  His scars were thick and ropey, but healed—and as Steve thought it, he realized Billy was working his jaw, a little, glancing at Steve’s face.  

With a sinking feeling of guilt, Steve grimaced, trying to imagine how he’d feel if he made it through something like that, and then people stared at him in the shower.  

“My scars gonna give you nightmares, Harrington?” Billy asked, laughing a little breathlessly, and gripping the showerhead post.  

“What?! No!” Steve said, making a face, realizing that was worse, feeling his face heat at the teasing tone of Billy’s voice, and deciding on a distraction.  He dropped his eyes about a foot and a half.  “Just pitying you, man, I never noticed your tiny-ass dick before.”  He grinned, proud of himself, as Billy stared over.

“What,” he said flatly.

"I guess you're a grower," Steve said, eyeing Billy's dick. "I guess? Or is it just that size?  Too bad, man," he finished the killing blow, only to have Billy start laughing so hard he staggered, and Steve ran in to grab his arm, steadying him down to the ground.

“Oh my god,” he wheezed.  “What the fuck, Harrington.  Brutal.” 

“Sorry,” Steve said, grimacing, and starting to snicker along.  “Sorry, I just—I wasn’t thinking anything shitty about your scars, I just...figured that was better?”

“Is it, though?” Billy cackled, leaning on one arm and panting, his eyes shut tightly against his dripping shampoo.  “Is it really?”

Steve laughed harder, grimacing again as he watched Billy try to stay upright, the arm he was leaning on shaking.  “Scoot to your left,” he told him, “—get back in the shower spray, I’ll help you with your hair.  I’ll be right back.”

“...how long am I supposed to wait,” Billy muttered, wincing as he tried to scoot himself along the sandpapery anti-slip floor.

“Just a sec,” Steve said, backing out of the showers, with an eye on Billy Hargrove, in case he drowned.

The floor at the pool was familiarly pebbled and rough as Steve pulled off his shoes and socks.  He yanked his shirt off for good measure, tossing it on the bench, and then walked back in.  “Okay, I’m gonna spray you in the face,” he said, and Billy sputtered a “What,” as Steve stuck his hand under the showerhead, and directed it onto Billy’s hairline, to rinse the shampoo off his face.  

“...oh shit, thanks,” he muttered, scrubbing at his face, and Steve held the water there while he rinsed and wiped his eyes.  

“You want me to help you get back under the shower?” Steve asked, once Billy’d blinked and squinted around a little, and Billy shot him a glare.  

“I think you better,” he huffed.  “Come in here and insult my dick.  Makes us ev—” he winced, and stopped, sighing.  “...sorry about all the shit I did last fall.  Showing up at the Byers, and...everything.  Max said you were okay,” he said slowly, glancing up.  He looked tired.

“Oh,” said Steve, startled.  “Uh.  Sorry I insulted your dick.”

Billy snorted a laugh, shaking his head, and Steve turned the shower off, stepping in to yank Billy up and help him stagger back under where he could finish washing his hair.  The shampoo was starting to drip into his face again, and Steve crouched to wipe it off with his thumbs, feeling Billy laugh against his hands.  He was bracing himself with both arms, and Steve was feeling doubtful.  

“You got this, man?”

“Just need to sit for a while,” Billy muttered.  “...long night.  You can go—”

“I’m not leaving you lying on the floor,” Steve told him, indignant.  “Come on, man, I’ll wash your hair.”

“What,” Billy said, but Steve ignored him, turning the water back on, and squirting more shampoo into his hand, because he’d seen Billy only get half his head while Steve made him laugh so hard he sat down.  

The shower soaked into his slacks, and he grimaced, but there were scars all up Billy’s hunched shoulders, too, and he was trembling with the effort of staying upright, so Steve tried to focus on working the suds through his hair.  Billy’s curls clung to his fingers, and Billy flinched, sometimes, when Steve lifted a hand away to wash a new part of his head, so Steve started narrating.  “Gonna rinse around your ear,” he said, and Billy tilted his head obediently, clenching his hands against the floor.  

“That’s good.  Now around your face,” Steve said, like he was helping with Holly Wheeler’s bath, but bathing a person of any size seemed about the same, really—Billy was heavier to help in, but at least Steve didn’t have to keep distracting him with squeaky hedgehog toys.  He tipped Billy’s chin up, shielding his eyes, and Billy sighed, shivering, his head heavy in Steve’s hands.  

“...you need conditioner?” Steve asked, frowning around, and Billy swallowed—unhelpfully—but then Steve found the bottle, rolled against the shower post, and began working it through the length of Billy’s curls.  Billy’s hands twitched and shook, and Steve wondered how the hell he was getting home, even if Steve got him out of the shower and dressed.  

His breathing was going weird, gaspy and uneven, and Steve started to worry he was hurting him, somehow.  He slowed down, a little, gentling his touches, and Billy pulled his knees up, hugging them to his chest.  

“Shit,” he mumbled, panting.  His skin was red even for in the shower, and finally, Steve got it.

“...shit, dude, you been lonely, huh,” he said, laughing.

“Shut the fuck up,” Billy laughed, groaning into his knees.  

“Shutting up, just keeping on with my sexy, sexy shampoo job,” Steve told him, letting his fingers linger as he cupped water up the back of Billy’s head to rinse the conditioner out, and Billy made a strangled noise into his hands.  

“Fuck you,” he moaned.  “Why are you even here,” and Steve laughed, putting his hand over Billy’s eyes to tip his face into the spray again.  

“Max said you’d...changed, I dunno,” Steve told him, feeling the odd sensation of someone else’s stubble under his hands as he held Billy’s chin, rinsing the sides of his head.  “She kept saying it like I was supposed to care, you know.  Thought I’d see what was going on.”

“...and?” Billy asked, softly, as Steve splashed some water on his hunched-up collarbones, trying to rinse the conditioner all the way off.

“Shit, I dunno,” Steve told him, laughing.  “Talked to you for like ten minutes, and I don’t think you, y’know, uh, I don’t think you grew exactly the way she meant.”

“Jesus fucking Christ,” Billy groaned into his hands, curling up tighter, and Steve snickered.  

“Guess it’s a little...frustrating, recovery from something like that,” he whispered, and Billy elbowed him, laughing.

“Go to hell!”

“That’s the Billy Hargrove I remember,” Steve said, handing him the soap.  “Here, finish up whatever, I’m gonna find your locker and get your clothes out.  You need a ride?”

Billy stared at him, head cocked away from the water.  “...that’s it?” he whispered.

“What?” Steve asked, feeling like he was being pretty nice, all things considered.  “You want something else?”

“...no,” Billy said, looking down at the soap.

Steve wandered off, trying not to listen as Billy took care of his little problem.  Not that little, he thought, remembering his assessment of Billy’s dick, and snickering guiltily as he opened lockers, trying to Sherlock Holmes it based on water trails, but the whole floor was wet, and he didn’t see any wet handprints glinting helpfully in the lights.  

By the time he wandered back, Billy had his legs sprawled, his cock properly limp and unobtrusive between them, and Steve turned the shower off and half-carried him to a bench.  He sat down while Billy dried his hair and toes and struggled with socks, and then couldn’t watch anymore.  He crouched down and put Billy’s shoes on, tying them for him, and helped him with his shirt.  Billy was swaying a little by that point, his eyes drifting shut, and Steve thought maybe it hadn’t been a good idea to encourage him to jack off in the shower, even if he’d probably sleep like a log.  

“C’mere, Billy,” he said, scooping him up, and Billy sighed against his ear.  

“...sorry,” he mumbled.  “S’ry ‘bout my dick.”

“Your dick is your problem, buddy,” Steve told him, hefting him up again as he walked.  “And whoever you’re dating, I guess.”

“...fuck you,” Billy whispered.  “Fuck you, ‘s…’s’okay.”

“Yeah, it’s an okay dick,” Steve reassured him, unable to believe he was having this conversation.  A woman stared at them as he tried to unlock his car, and he beamed back at her, half-tempted to do something outrageous, like start barking dick measurements, but she harrumphed and wandered off.

“Still got my mouth,” Billy mumbled sleepily, as Steve loaded him into the car.  “An’ my asshole.  ‘F’you don’t like my dick.”

“Your dick’s fine,” Steve told him, sliding the seatbelt around him, and starting to blush as hard as Billy’d been, because what the fuck.

“S’a grower,” Billy said.

“Yeah, yeah, you grow, I get it,” Steve agreed.  “Super impressed, man.”

That seemed to wake Billy up again, a little, and he watched Steve get in the car.  “...is that what Max said?  That’s why you’re being so nice.  No,” he laughed, grimacing.  “Max said you’ve always been nice.  Shit.”

“...I haven’t,” Steve said, starting up the car.  “I mean, I had to grow up some.  Too.”  

Billy nodded, slowly, biting his lips together.  

It wouldn’t be so bad, Steve thought, to swing by and see Billy again.  Have another dude around who knew what Hawkins was like, and who seemed...kind of cool, now, now that he wasn’t being such a prick.  “I’m glad you’re okay, man,” Steve told him, honestly, and Billy’s smile was quick and bright.

“Yeah, back at you,” he said, sighing.  

He slept for the rest of the ride.

Here are my other Harringrove April prompts!