#TPWP mini

[dracothedeatheatingcupcake-ao3]

I doubt literally anyone else will care about this, but this has been a mini goal/desire of mine for so fricken long now, so I wanted to at least share it here, ha.

Anyway, TPWP is one of my more popular fics. It took a while to get there when I was posting, creeping up with the kudos and hits and everything each week, but by god did it get there. Once I finished posting it and it plateaued in statistics, the only fic that was above it in terms of popularity was my old fic, A Pirate’s Life (APL), which I had written when I was like 17-18 I believe. And APL is not a bad fic, no. It’s just definitely unpolished and a bit rough in spots. And the ship itself is a bit ehhhh, though I always liked the fanon interpretation of the ship much more than anything from canon. I’m digressing though.

Anyway, I always privately hoped that TPWP would surpass APL in popularity, since I much prefer TPWP in terms of writing ability and the ship itself. I also wanted my most kudosed and ‘popular’ fic to be something that reflected my current writing level and ships, not something I wrote and liked when I was newly an adult. While I know now that the number of kudos on a fic ultimately doesn’t matter too much and doesn’t really say if a fic is popular or not, TPWP having more kudos than APL was always a private goal of mine, something I privately wanted and hoped for.

However, after I had finally finished posting TPWP and the last of the rush of kudos came in from that, I saw that TPWP was almost 200 kudos away from APL, and given the fact that fics will often stagnate in kudos/hits once they’re complete and haven’t posted in a couple months (at least in my experience), I had a feeling that I’d never really make this goal. And it was a little disappointing, but I never let it bother me too much. Plus, starting last year I had a new most popular fic (thanks, Luigi and the Beast), so I had something else that reflected my modern writing style and ships, so it wasn’t that big of a deal anymore in my mind.

Still, part of me wanted TPWP to surpass APL, and today, it finally happened. While this can obviously still swap since I do still get kudos on APL from time to time, the fact that TPWP not only managed to reach APL’s kudos count, but surpassed it even once? I never thought that would happen, to be honest. I never thought that TPWP would manage to get almost 200 extra kudos once I stopped posting regularly, since in my experience that doesn’t happen often. Usually I’ll get a decent amount once it’s no longer an active fic, but not enough that it would surpass another old fic that was gaining passive kudos too.

Anyway, I’m not so sure where I’m going with this. As you can see from my screenshots, it’s like 5am where I am now, and my brain just woke me up and refuses to let me go back to sleep (a common occurrence these days, for some reason. I’ve long since stopped asking why my brain does what it does in regards to sleep. It’s better that way), so I’m kinda rambling.

The point, I suppose, is that this was a goal of mine for so long now, and I’m honestly kind of proud and happy that I finally reached it. While I do have problems with TPWP, ultimately I am very proud of it and it makes me so, so happy that people are still enjoying it all of these years later. When I started writing fanfic over 13 years ago at age 13, I never would have expected to be here. My writing was meh at best and I struggled a lot with getting my thoughts and ideas across. There’s a reason I will never post my fanfiction.Net username, even though my oldest fics are still posted there. Writing was just something I did for fun and as a way to show my love for my fandoms; it was never anything serious. But I always wanted to write a fic that mattered… you know? That stuck with people. That people genuinely liked and that maybe even helped them. You know?

I think I managed that with TPWP. I’ve gotten so many comments over the years thanking me for writing it, people saying that they will go back to it and reread it from time to time, that it helped them, etc. I was always so grateful and happy that I was able to write something that resonated with so many people, which had been a dream of mine ever since I started writing and would cry tears of frustration when I struggled to get my thoughts across how I wanted to.

And, like I’ve said. I know that kudos/favorites are not the only metric to determine if a fic is popular or ‘good.’ However, it has always been a good base for me to gauge interest in my fics, to see roughly what people think of it. And, even though it prolly shouldn’t, the amount of kudos/favorites on my fics has always mattered to me. Ever since I was a young child I’ve had an intense desire to be liked. But more than that, I always wanted to be ‘the favorite.’ To be ‘the best.’ Even when I knew I never would be, simply because I lacked the skill or patience to be ‘the best.’ I still would always want that, and it would hurt me deep inside to know that I just… wasn’t. Yes, I was smart, but I was never ‘the smartest.’ Yes, I was well liked by my peers, but I was never ‘popular.’ Yes, I was always doing well and could hold my own in most things I tried, but I was never (and would never) be ‘the best.’ I just couldn’t. I was either too unskilled, too impatient, too shaky (physically, in some cases), too… everything, and I could never, ever be the absolute best at anything, really. I just physically couldn’t. I’d never be the best singer, I’d never be the best artist, I’d never be the best writer, I’d never be the best chef, I’d never be the best creator, and I’d never be that elusive ‘favorite.’ Never, never, never.

And it hurt. A lot. Growing up and even to this day. But I’ve gotten so much better with it over the years. With the knowledge that I will never be ‘the best,’ that I will never be ‘the favorite,’ and that this is okay. And, in fact, not only is this okay, but it’s expected. Perfection is a myth and it’s impossible to achieve. I spent over 375k words trying to showcase this fact, because it’s something I still, to this day, three months past twenty-six, struggle with. But I’m getting there. By god, am I getting there. And by removing that desire to be ‘perfect,’ to be ‘the best,’ I’ve improved so much in every field I create work in. Once I did away with the desire to create something ‘perfect,’ I was able to make things that were just ‘good enough.’ Is this art project I spent hours working on made more of hot glue than its actual art medium? Yes, but it’s made. And it looks nice enough. And while it will never win any awards, I like it. Is my writing repetitive, derivative of itself, sometimes rushed, and more focused on angst than plot? Yes. But it’s made. And it’s good enough. And people like it. And, most importantly of all?

I like it.

I like it. Even if it isn’t ’perfect.’ Even if it won’t win awards. Even if no one else on the planet likes it, if everyone looks at it and goes ‘… okay, so what?’ I like it. I spent so much time and effort creating it. I did everything I could to make it properly. And it doesn’t matter if it’s a bit lumpy. If it has exposed seams. If it doesn’t look like other people’s creations. It’s made, and I made it, and I put my heart and soul into it, and that? That’s what matters. I learned while making it, and next time I make something similar, I’ll do better. And the time after that? I’ll do better again. And again. And again. I’ll never reach ‘perfection.’ I’ll never make something that people will look at, gasp, and think ‘my god, that’s the most perfect thing I’ve ever seen.’ I’ll never reach that impossible goal that I made for myself when I was a young preteen, painfully insecure and wanting to find validation in others. I never will reach this goal, never, ever, ever, ever, ever.

But I will get better. I will improve from what I’ve done before. And I will get stronger in every possible way I can, and I will forgive myself for the ways that I can’t. I have a lot of limitations, things I cannot physically or mentally overcome. And I will forgive myself for it. I will. I will.

And I guess, at the end of the day, that’s my point here. That perfection is a lie, that there is no end, that there is only improvement and self-appreciation. APL represents this a lot for me. At 17-18, I still struggled with this so much. I spent all of my high school years riddled with self-hatred and anxiety, wanting to be the best, but riddled with the knowledge that I never would be. I crashed and burned in middle and high school because of this. I was so terrified of never being all I wanted to be that I let myself burn to ash, to give up completely, because that was better in my mind than trying my hardest and failing. I always failed at what I wanted to do, and I was so focused on that supposed ‘failure’ that I failed to see how far I had come. I failed to see that while I wasn’t ’the favorite,’ I was still well liked. I failed to see that while I wasn’t ’the best,’ I was good enough. I was good enough. And I always would be. This is something I didn’t realize at 17-18, not yet.

But I do now. I do now, and TPWP represents that for me in many ways. Perfection in a myth. Unilateral adoration and love is impossible. And no matter what, every time you create you will get a little better, a little better, a little better. And so, the only thing you can do is create. And love what you create. And keep trying no matter what, all so that you can create more in the future and grow. So you can do what you love without fear of failure.

Anyway, this has gone on much longer than anticipated. It was just supposed to be a quick ‘haha look! I succeeded at an old, useless goal! :-D’ But somehow it turned into this. But that’s okay. That’s just who I am. I like to ramble. I like to get my thoughts out there into the world. I’m pretentious and think way too deeply on things that matter to no one else. It matters to me. It matters to me. And it doesn’t matter if no one ever reads this, or if people read it and roll their eyes at my pretension. I wrote this for me, to just get this out there in the world, and at the end of the day, that’s what matters. That’s what’s important. Not what the ‘invisible audience’ in my head screams at me every day.

I hope y’all have a good day. :-)

[possessingtheproperspirit]

Question 8 and 38

(also when is a good time to start pestering you for the next update on TPWP 🙈)

Sending warmth.

(any time is an okay time for pestering haha! I have been slogging away at ch16 for a week now, annoyed at how little was happening, and then today I had an idea for re-shaping the chapter that I am much happier about, so hopefully it will start flowing now!! 🤞🤞 god bless the patience of my TPWP readers)

8. Share a snippet from one of your favourite dialogue scenes you've written and explain why you're proud of it.

This is a stupidly long snippet, but it was the first thing I thought of when I saw the question.

She takes a biscuit, and a large bite, before she says anything. “I just felt a bit dizzy. You didn’t need to do all this.”

“Lily Evans Potter,” Sirius intones solemnly, “there is no ‘all this’. We would do it in a heartbeat, for the protection of you and Mini Prongs.”

“But I feel fine now,” she points out. “And the dizzy spell, such as it was, happened yesterday.”

“Yesterday, today,” James replies cheerfully. “What is time, really, but a social construct?”

She frowns. “What?”

“Make sure you drink that tea before it goes cold,” he adds, carefully placing the mug in her hands. “You have to stay hydrated.”

Sirius busies himself plumping the cushions around her. “So, as happy as I am to play handmaid to my favourite redhead, I’m sure you didn’t ask me round for this.”

She catches James’ eye, and smiles. “No, that’s true.”

“So what is it?” Sirius asks, leaning back against the other end of the sofa, propping his feet up next to hers. “Don’t tell me—you want me to be there at the birth. I’d be honoured, truly, and I’ve been practising breathing techniques for the widening of the cervix just in case.”

“No,” she says quickly, “no, no, don’t ever mention my cervix again, Black, do you hear me?”

He casts her an affronted look. “Charming! I’m a very relaxing presence, I’ll have you know.”

“We don’t need you as a birth coach,” James pipes up. “We need you to be godfather.”

The silence that follows is so all-encompassing that Lily briefly wonders if their friend has slipped into a coma. Finally, though, he finds his voice. “Godfather?”

“Yes,” James confirms patiently.

“Me?”

“Yes,” Lily agrees. “You.”

“Godfather?” Sirius asks again. “As in, sleeps with the fishes, I’ll make him an offer he can’t refuse, on this the day my daughter’s to be married?”

James sighs heavily; Lily can see the regret in his eyes that he ever took Sirius to the muggle cinema to watch that film, let alone took him to see it four times in one summer. “No, the less crime-riddled version. You know, a normal godfather.”

Sirius nods slowly, clearly still processing the information. There’s a pause. “Me?” he asks again.

“Oh, for fuck’s sake, Pads—of course you,” James rolls his eyes. “You’re my best friend, my brother, we both trust you more than anything, you’re—you’re fucking family, okay? And we know that if anything happens, you’d—"

“Hey, whoa,” Sirius interrupts, “nothing is going to happen.”

“Okay, fine,” James waves a dismissive hand. “You’re going to be a great godfather, mate. So, we’re not asking. We’re telling. You’re the godfather. Alright?”

Sirius looks over at Lily, and she smiles back. “Alright, Black?” she adds.

He laughs, blinking fiercely all of a sudden—she knows that if he cries, she will too. “Okay. Fine. You twisted my arm.”

“Good,” James grins. “That’s settled, then.”

Sirius pauses before flinging his arms around them both, into a strange, awkwardly-angled hug that feels wonderful nonetheless. “Thanks,” he laughs again, a bit breathlessly. “For—you know.”

“We love you, Sirius Black,” Lily replies, giving him a squeeze. “Even when you’re being a certifiable nuisance.”

“Oh, Evans,” he sighs, and presses a sloppy kiss to her cheek—she squirms out of the hug, laughing. “You say the nicest things.”

James can’t seem to stop beaming. “We’re going to talk to Moony and Wormtail, too, make sure they know they’re still important, still part of the baby’s life and upbringing and all that—just, tricky to have three godfathers, you know?”

“Absolutely,” Sirius agrees. “And when you’ve got the best, why go for the rest?”

From Expectant. I just really enjoyed writing this scene—Sirius being a pain in the arse is one of my favourite versions of him, and the zippy dynamic between him and James, and him and Lily, and then all three of them, is just pure fun. I feel like I did their friendships justice in this scene.

38. Talk about a review that made your day.

Okay, this is hard, because I love ALL my reviews—people are so wonderful and kind, and it means so much when anyone takes the time to leave a comment. Just one example of a review that made my day was probably when @aeridi0nis binge-read TPWP and left me a lovely, long comment on whatever chapter I'd written up to at the time. It's always beaming-smile-inducing when someone catches up with something that has been going for a while, maybe because I know how daunting it can feel to see you're already like ten chapters behind on something (and TPWP chapters are usually 8-11k, so it's not an insignificant undertaking), so it utterly delighted me that she got stuck in anyway and then took the time to write such lovely, kind things. ❤❤❤

Thanks for the ask, lovely @dearginevra! 🥰

Send me an ask question if you want!

[spine-buster]

Happy final TPWP Monday. It's going to be so weird not refreshing your blog every Monday. I've been here since chapter 3.

Don’t worry! Though it’s the end of the “official” chapters there will still be epilogues! I will also still be writing, just not this series anymore. I’ll be starting my Brock Boeser mini-series!

[nineteensixtieschikadee]

Mini Rant about S8 E3

Imma make an actual post about this, but I NEED to get this out.

Im so sorry but what? DONT GET ME WRONG. Arya simply killing the Night King, IS COOL and FULL OF IRONY, and is sorta poetic? And all that. But this was too easy. There HAS to be more. What? 3 episodes with Cersei? There’s another battle going to happen, and I don’t think this is over yet. In the books, I believe Arya will play a VERY, VERY important role for the endgame of ASOIAF. George confirmed that she is one of the core 5 and will live till the end. Jon, Dany, Tyrion, Bran and Her. But she ISN’T TPTWP. Yes, Mel prophisized Arya shutting blue eyes. BUT... That isn’t in the books. This could however interpret something like her being Nissa Nissa and she will be the REASON why the blue eyes will shut forever? But Im sorry, what’s the payoff in Arya’s arc if she was the one who killed the Night King? At least in the books, her arc isn’t connected with the Others. NOT YET. Idk, it feels too easy. They spend 7 seasons building up the WW and death, that they just die in the 3rd ep? Yeah, it isn’t over yet. While prophecy may not be accurate, they still have a payoff in the end. Arya killing the Night King, is NOT a payoff. At least not for Arya. What about all the buildup with the other characters who were suppose to fight the Night King? What, did D&D just make Arya kill the Night King because Jon and Daenerys were predictable? What about their roles? This isn’t about unpredictablity. That’s not really what Game of Thrones is... It’s deeper than that. It isn’t over yet. It can’t be. Again, WHAT WAS THE POINT OF BRINGING JON BACK FROM THE DEAD IF HE’S LITERALLY GOING TO BE A DUMB IDIOT AGAIN LIKE HOW HE WAS BEFORE HE DIED? Like Mel said, he was brought back for a reason? What is that reason? I’m probably in denial, but this doesn’t make sense. It doesn’t make BOOK SENSE. They say Winter is Coming. The fucking apocalypse is coming, but where was it? WW don’t even reach Kings Landing? The whole point of the WW and North of the Wall arc is about how people don’t believe in them. That the shit in Kings Landing doesn’t matter if all of them are going to die in the end. They’re “myths.” And only a FEW PEOPLE know about them and realize that they are threat. But here in the show, the people don’t even feel the wrath of the WW. The Others in the books are FAR MORE COMPLEX. They’re NOT JUST zombie killing machines. I mean, the Night King doesn’t even exist in the books, but what happened? The WW arc is over now? After all this buildup in the books and the show? What now? Is that it? Why was it so easy? What about the other characters? Where was the SYMBOLISM? The prophecy? The magic? BRAN STARK? What the fuck did he do? Nothing but set Arya up to kill the Night King. You’d think he’d have MORE to do, because he’s one of the more unique characters. His WHOLE ARC built up to fight the Others. But he did nothing but warg into ravens to do what? NOTHING. What is his REAL PURPOSE? Also, the reason I’m not buying Arya killing the Night King, is because WHERE WAS THE BUILDUP TO HER KILLING THE NIGHT KING? This is difficult bc IF Arya were to kill an important Other in the books, WHO WOULD IT BE? NK doesn’t exist. Arya is built up to potentially be NN in the books tho. But really Mel? You say Stannis was AA. Then you say Jon is TPWP and that Jon was brought back for a reason. Now you say Arya? This battle was cool and all, but damn, it was underwhelming... WHERE IS THE WAR FOR THE DAWN? This can’t be the 2nd long night. The shit they’ve been hyping up since episode 1. And BOOK 1. The 1st long night lasted a generation. This was just a Winterfell massacre, like Hardhome. Is it just going to be the Cersei Kings Landing Throne battle now? I’m so confused...

(Please feel free to counter-argue me. Im down for a debate lol)

[lovingzombiechaos]

My Masterlist

All Walking Dead. Mostly Negan and my OC Nayna. Right now, aside from the one-shots and The Price We Pay, all links lead to AO3. Eventually, I will post everything in neat little mini-masterlists on tumblr. 

One shots- Cheater, Cheater-You and Negan make a bet over Mario Kart with unexpected, yet thrilling consequences.

Put Up, or Shut Up- Pure smutty goodness between Negan and Nayna. 

You’re Still a Dumbass- AUish. Shortly after their arrival at Alexandria Rick and Nayna realize their feelings for each other. Smut ensues. 

Regular fics

The Broken Road series

A New World-- Prequel to The Price We Pay. The things she has to do to survive don’t bother her. The new world order, where the dead eat the living, the living kill for fun and morals are permanently gray. Nayna has finally found where she belongs. (Coming soon...)

The Price We Pay-  She makes a deal with the devil himself, but the price is worth the sacrifice. Especially when that price leads her to the very thing she’s craved all her life---love. Life as Nayna knows it will never be the same. (Currently in progress).

The Threat Beyond--Sequel to the original version of The Price We Pay. Peace only lasts so long...(Currently on hiatus until TPWP is officially finished).

Fate Intertwined

When Worlds Collide- AU. They’re just two people trying to make it in the world. When they find each other, nothing is the same after. All they had was love. All they wanted was love. But sometimes, love just isn’t enough...(Finished).

Star Crossed- AU. Sequel to When Worlds Collide. Life after divorce isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. (In Progress)

Other fics

Lost At Sea- All William "Rigs" Riganti wants to do is get back to his wife. The wife he left behind when he went to sea. The wife he took for granted. But the rise of the fallen means Rigs may never see her again. Everything he does, he does for her. (In Progress)

If You Think You Can- Jo’s a murderer. Negan is a sociopath. Can they merge their ideals to defeat the dead? (On hiatus until the conclusion of the Here’s Negan series)

The Mulligan- What if everyone could go back to before the dead walked? What would they change? What would stay the same? (In Progress)

[dracothedeatheatingcupcake-ao3]

The Problem With Perfection mini update

Hey all!!

Ha, didn't think I'd be posting even a mini update for TPWP in the year 2024, but here we are. It's not anything major, I just wanted to say that I finally, after years of disgruntlement with it, have decided to change all instances of Mondo saying "yer" to "your" and "you're."

Was this necessary? No. Has anyone complained about him saying "yer?" No. Did I decide to do it anyway because it disgruntled me when I was rereading TPWP recently? Yes. Ha.

I don't know, I never was the biggest fan of me having him say "yer," but by the time I realized I really didn't like it, I had already completely finished TPWP, and was more than halfway done with TPWM, and that was just... too much, oof. And honestly, changing over all the "yer's" for their respective word took most of today, honestly, and I only did it for TPWP, won't even bother with TPWM, oof.

Anyway, I just wanted to share this in case anyone wanted to reread it and was confused, ha. I also got rid of chapter 31, which was just a meta thing talking about the fact I had posted the sequels and TPWM anyway. I had always intended on deleting it, but then people commented on it and I didn't want to get rid of the comments. But it was also bugging me, so I ripped the band aid off, so to speak.

Anyway! Just a mini update, ha.

[dracothedeatheatingcupcake-ao3]

TPWP One Shot: The Problem with Apologies

Hey guys!!! 

So! Yesterday, someone commented on how Mondo had never really apologized to Taka about anything, and I realized that... yeah, I never did have him do that, did I? I always intended on it, but it never fit with the story and the more that time went on, the less sense Mondo apologizing would make sense. I always assumed that Mondo did apologize at some point, though, but I know y’all can’t know that unless I write it. 

So! I did! 

This is a little mini one shot that fits in between chapter 11 and chapter 12. Which, for reference, is right after their first sleep over after they became friends, but before the pool game between Mondo and Sakura, the chapter that we learn about Taka’s first “friend.” 

I will eventually be adding this to AO3 and FF . net, but it’s going to go into it’s own story, something made for these little mini one shots and things like that, if I ever have anymore. If not, it will just be by itself. I don’t want to actually add it to TPWP, since it would mess up the chapter numbers, which I use for my own reference as to when things happened. Plus, I’m... not entirely sure how well it fits in that location??? It’s been a while since I read/edited those chapters, and while I think it fits, I’m not entirely sure. So, leaving it as a bonus thing makes most sense to me. I’m posting this here now, though, since it’s done and since some people have been wanting it. :-) Think of it as a reward for following my Tumblr, ha. 

It’s about 4K words, so pretty short for my standards, but I kinda like it. :-) I hope it’s a good apology from Mondo for how he acted in the first 10 chapters, before they became friends.

~~~~~~~~

The Problem with Apologies

Taka sits beside Mondo on the couch, working side by side on their homework. Ever since they became kyoudai (!!) a few days ago, he and Mondo have been doing things like this a lot. Working on homework, studying together, things like that. It’s honestly been a lot easier to tutor Mondo now that they’re friends (and now that the biker is using his glasses, which he’s been fairly good at doing. When they’re alone, at least), which relieves Taka greatly. Part of him had honestly been concerned that things would go back to how they were before, even with their newfound brotherhood, but so far… so far that’s not been the case. Thank goodness…

 It’s also been kind of… nice. You know? To have someone beside him to study with, enjoying the quiet with them, helping them when they need it. And Mondo definitely needs it, there’s quite a lot he doesn’t know in relation to, well… everything. But he’s been trying his hardest to listen to Taka when he speaks, to not get frustrated and yell, doing all he can to accept Taka’s help. And in return, Taka has been doing his best to realize when Mondo has had enough and stop before he reaches that point, and it’s all just been… good. Nice. Really, really nice…

 Currently, they are both working on their algebra homework, a subject that Mondo is actually pretty good at now that he can see the numbers without struggle. He still needs help figuring out how to do some of the problems, but once Taka explains it, he usually understands and can do the rest of the similar problems without issue. It honestly makes Taka feel so proud of his kyoudai, his heart fluttering with the feeling. 

 Minutes pass as the pair work, Taka going back to check his completed answers once he finishes the page they were assigned. No words are uttered as they work quietly together, the atmosphere amiable and light. Mondo is relaxed beside him, and everything is just… good. So very, very good…

 Of course this peace had to be broken eventually. It always does…

 It’s right as Taka has finished going over his work for a third time (you can never be too careful!!) that Mondo finally puts down his pencil, leaning back on the couch. Taka— assuming this means that Mondo is done— turns to face his new kyoudai, smile bright on his lips. The smile dims when he sees the troubled expression on Mondo’s face, the biker looking at the ground with a frown, seeming very unhappy about something. So unhappy that even Taka can notice it, which is saying something considering how bad he normally is at reading facial expressions. It concerns Taka greatly, not wanting his new friend to be upset about anything, really. 

 As such, Taka carefully does his best to ask the biker what— exactly— is wrong, hoping that he’s not offending the teen.

 “K-kyoudai? Are you… alright? You seem… perturbed…” Taka asks softly, nerves filling him at the thought that he said something wrong, and that Mondo is going to yell at him for bothering him. Yes, they’re kyoudai now, but… b-but that doesn’t mean that Mondo won’t get annoyed by him, that he won’t get angry like he has before, that he… h-he won’t yell and storm out and say he doesn’t want to be kyoudai anymore, and… a-and…

 “Huh? Oh, uh… n-nah, I’m good, man. Just, uh… thinkin’ ‘bout shit, ya know?” Mondo mutters after a moment, breaking Taka from his thoughts. Taka looks back at Mondo and sees the biker looking at him, though his eyebrows are still furrowed, and his lips are still turned down. Hm… that doesn’t seem good… “The fuck does that word even mean, though? Per… whatever ya fuckin’ said. Swear yer makin’ up half a’ these words, shit.” 

 Unbidden, Taka finds himself smiling softly, some amusement filling him at the now typical question, even despite the concern he still feels. Mondo always is confused by the terminology that Taka uses… at least the teen feels comfortable enough around him to ask about it! It’s… something. 

 “Ah! My apologies! Perturbed means upset or unsettled, kyoudai! And I… I apologize for my assumption that something was wrong! I’m… not very good at reading facial expressions, I will admit…” 

 Taka’s cheeks blush red at his unintended confession, his eyes falling to the ground with his shame. He’s been trying his best to be a good friend to Mondo, but there’s so much he doesn’t know and it’s times like this that that becomes apparent. He… he wishes he knew more about being around other people… he wishes he could be a good friend to Mondo… he… h-he… 

 Taka startles when he feels gentle fingers touch his cheek, his eyes wide as his lifts his face to look at the teen before him, heart clenching at the sad, somewhat guilty look he finds there. Oh… oh dear, that wasn’t what he wanted… not at all…

 “Hey, Taka, it… it’s good, bro. Not a fuckin’ problem. An’, uh… shit. Guess ya could say I’m fuckin’, uh… perturbed, or whatever… j-just, uh. Ya know. Thinkin’ ‘bout shit.”

 Taka can see Mondo fidget on the couch beside him, the biker taking his hand back now that Taka is facing him, and he… he wishes he could help his kyoudai with whatever is bothering him… if it’s bugging him this much, it must be serious and he… he wants to help. If he can…

 “A-ah, I… I see. Um… would you… like to talk about it? Y-you do not have to if you do not wish! Please do not feel pressured! Just… I- I am here… if you’d like to talk…” 

 Taka does his best not to fidget as Mondo stares at him following his offer, his cheeks bright red and burning hot. He feels like such an idiot for offering such a thing, of course Mondo doesn’t need his help, Taka is terrible at social matters, terrible at being comforting, terrible at… at everything relating friendship, really, g-god…

 “Oh, uh… s-shit man, I uh… I don’t wanna bother you with this shit, ain’t yer problem… t-though, uh… shit. Shit, I… I guess it kinda does involve you, so maybe… uh… fuck.” 

 Taka watches as Mondo continues to fidget in his seat, his face pinched and tight, the biker clearly uncomfortable but Taka has no idea how to help. Or what Mondo means when he says that it… it involves him… hm…

 Feeling very uncertain, Taka does his best to shove away his anxiety and smiles shakily at Mondo, hoping that what he’s about to say will help, not make this worse…

 “Ah, I… I see. Well, just know that I am here for you, kyoudai, and if there is anything you wish to talk about, I am more than willing to participate! We are friends, and friends help one another! R… right?” 

 The sad, sympathetic look Mondo gives him for that comment makes him feel weird inside, his stomach squirming at the look. It’s not the first time Mondo has looked at him like that, especially after he makes reference to the fact that he never really had friends growing up and thus doesn’t really know how friendship works, and he… he doesn’t like it much. Hm… oh dear… 

 “Yeah… yeah, friends do help each other, kyoudai. I just… I don’t wanna bring up shit that doesn’t matter, ya know? But I can’t help but think that maybe it does, an’ I just… f-fuck, man. I dunno. Don’t even know why I’m thinkin’ ‘bout this shit now. Just… shit. God fuckin’ dammit…” 

 Taka’s heart clenches further at the grimace Mondo has on his face, and Taka really has no idea what to do. Should he… try and comfort? Reassure? Say nothing and let Mondo handle it on his own? He… he doesn’t know, he truly doesn’t, and he doesn’t want to mess up and ruin things between the two of them, certainly not now that they finally worked everything out and things are good and… a-and…

 “Shit. Okay, look, I… I was thinkin’ ‘bout these last few days, right? How… how this shit is nice. Doin’ fuckin’ schoolwork beside ya, not needin’ ta talk ta fill the silence or shit. It… it’s fuckin’ nice, ya know? Ta me at least. An’ I, uh… I was thinkin’ ‘bout how I’m glad we’re kyoudai now. Shit, Taka… words can’t describe how happy I am that we… we’re fuckin’ kyoudai,” Mondo admits, looking kind of embarrassed, but mostly genuine. Taka is confused, though. That… that doesn’t sound bad… right? So why… w-why does Mondo feel perturbed? 

 Taka doesn’t get a chance to ask before Mondo is continuing, the biker sighing and shifting awkwardly on the couch, looking decidedly uncomfortable, though on he goes…

 “But… shit. I couldn’t help but think ‘bout the shit I did ta ya. B’fore we became kyoudai. An’ how I… how I fuckin’ treated ya. The shit I did. The shit I said. An’ I… I fuckin’… shit…”

 Mondo trails off, the unhappy, uncomfortable look growing worse. It makes Taka’s heart clench, and he’s reaching out to gently touch Mondo’s hand before he can tell himself not to. He feels his heart skip a beat when Mondo’s lavender eyes immediately meet his, the emotion swirling in their depths too much for him. But he can’t say nothing, can’t let Mondo be upset about something like this, so he pushes the emotion within him down and does his best to smile reassuringly. If such a thing is even possible for him to do…

 “Ah, kyoudai! You needn’t worry about things like that! I… I’ve forgiven you for everything that happened before we became friends, you know that! We… we are good, my kyoudai! You needn’t worry about what happened before! It’s in the past and it doesn’t bother me, kyoudai! It… it truly doesn’t.” 

 Taka can feel his throat get thick and his heart clench again when Mondo gives him a sad look, his smile forlorn and twisted. Oh… oh no, Taka doesn’t want that, he… he…

 “But I… shit, man. I never fuckin’ apologized fer any a’ it… did I? The shit I did. How can ya fuckin’ fergive me if I ain’t done shit ta earn it? Ya… yer too fergivin’, man… s-shit…” 

 Something about the words hurts Taka inside, his heart clenching painfully at the softly spoken statement. He gives Mondo a slightly desperate, pleading look, wishing he knew what to say to make Mondo stop looking at him like that. Like he… he’s unhappy with him, g-god…

 “I- I… t-that doesn’t matter, kyoudai! If you- you apologized or not! You have shown me through deed that you regret what you did and I… I know that things are different now and that we are- are friends now. And that… M-Mondo, that… that means more to me than words can say, truly… and I… I don’t need an apology, Mondo… kyoudai… i-it’s truly okay…” 

 The sad look in Mondo’s eyes gets worse, then, the biker letting out a soft, unhappy sounding sigh. It makes Taka’s eyes water, his breath shuddering in his chest, wondering what he did wrong, why- why Mondo is still unhappy, he- he forgave him, didn’t he? I-isn’t that what Mondo wanted? To be forgiven? Does he want something else from him? God, if Taka knew what he wanted, he’d give it, he swears he would, he just… he doesn’t want to lose Mondo, not so soon, he can’t… he can’t…

 Taka startles when he feels a warm hand grasp his own, their fingers twining naturally. It makes Taka’s heart race for a different reason, his cheeks flushed from more than just embarrassment now… 

 “Shit, Taka… fuck, bro. Ya shouldn’t hafta settle fer second rate shit just ‘cuz… I dunno. Ya think ya gotta. Ya don’t fuckin’ deserve ta be treated like shit… ya… ya do know that, right? That the shit I did ta ya was fuckin’ shitty an’ ya… ya didn’t fuckin’ deserve it? Taka…” 

 Taka squirms at the things Mondo is saying, feeling very uncomfortable right now. Part of him wants to pull away from the biker, to stop this conversation from happening, not wanting to talk about this, but… but he… god. He doesn’t know. He doesn’t want to offend Mondo, either, and he just feels so conflicted… hm…

 “I… I know that, I… I just… I’ve forgiven you. I- I… I don’t know what else you want me to say, Mondo… k-kyoudai… I… I’m sorry…” 

 Mondo sighs again, the sound carrying more emotion than Taka can decipher, and it makes him feel awful. God… if only he were just better at this sort of thing, then maybe… maybe Mondo wouldn’t be upset, and they could go back to working quietly together without worrying about- about what happened in the past, about useless apologies and… and things like that. He just… he wants to focus on the future, not the past, he… he wants…

 “Taka… fuck,” Mondo mutters softly, sounding so very sad. It guts Taka and he hates it and he just… he wants… but then Mondo is shifting closer. Their hands are still twined, but now he is pressed closer to Mondo, can feel his overwhelming warmth, and it’s so much, too much, and Taka doesn’t know what to think, and he just… h-he just… 

 “Taka. Kyoudai. I ain’t mad at ya… okay? None a’ this shit is yer fault, man. I don’t expect shit from ya, ‘cuz y’ain’t done nothin’ wrong. It… it’s me who’s fucked up here. I’m the one who did all that shit ta ya. Who acted like a fuckin’ jackass an’ hurt ya. Y’ain’t done nothin’ an’ it ain’t you who’s gotta apologize. This ain’t yer fault. Okay? It ain’t.” 

 Taka can feel his eyes water more, his insides hurting at the soft, gentle words. Mondo… he… he isn’t mad, he… he’s…

 “An’ I… I am sorry. Ya know. ‘Bout the shit I did. Know that sayin’ it ain’t enough, know I gotta prove myself ta ya an’ fuckin’ make up fer my fucked-up bullshit these past couple a’ months. But I… I’m so fuckin’ sorry I did that shit ta ya. That I acted like a jackass an’ hurt ya so fuckin’ bad. That I… I made ya cry so many goddam times. An’… an’ that I called ya that word. That fuckin’ slur. Ain’t shit I can say ta excuse that shit, any a’ it, so I’m not even gonna bother tryin’, but I… god, I’m so fuckin’ sorry, Kiyo… I really fuckin’ am…” 

 Taka can feel the first tears start to fall then, his insides roiling so unpleasantly at the apology he didn’t expect, and… and didn’t really want. He… god, he didn’t want to think about all of this, didn’t want to think about the things Mondo did to him, the pain he went through at the hands of his now beloved kyoudai, he… he doesn’t…

 “A-an’ now I’m makin’ ya cry again… f-fuck, I’m so fuckin’… I’m so sorry, Taka, I… I’m so fuckin’ sorry… didn’t mean ta make ya cry… hate seein’ ya cry, I… Kiyo…” 

 Taka shakes his head, frantic and fast, and he looks Mondo deep in the eyes. The pain he finds there hurts him badly, and he can’t help how he shifts even closer to the biker, wanting to- to be closer, to… to get comfort, to provide comfort, he- he doesn’t know, he… he doesn’t…

 “M-Mondo… k-kyoudai… i-it’s okay! I… I told you, I forgive you, it… it’s okay… a-and it’s not your fault I’m crying, I promise! M-Mondo, I… I’m sorry…” 

 Mondo lets out a soft, unhappy noise then, and before Taka can feel afraid that he messed up more, that Mondo is unhappy with him again, he… he feels…

 He feels Mondo pull him close… the biker’s arms around him, warm and secure, pulling his head to a warm, broad chest. Taka doesn’t know what to think as this occurs, doesn’t know what is expected of him, but he can feel some of the pressure inside of him fade as he allows himself to go easily into Mondo’s arms, the steady thumping of his kyoudai’s heartbeat more soothing than words can say. 

 “Kyoudai… shit, man. Y’ain’t gotta apologize fer that shit, okay? I don’t need ya ta apologize fer that kinda shit. Y’ain’t always gotta apologize. My fucked-up bullshit ain’t yer problem, man. Neither is my fuckin’ guilt. I hurt you, Kiyo. I should feel some guilt fer that shit, even if ya do fergive me. Yer too fuckin’ fergivin’, man. I… shit…” 

 Taka says nothing as he buries his face in Mondo’s chest, his breathing more ragged than it likely should be. He can feel Mondo’s hands rub soothing circles on his back, and it makes him simultaneously feel better and worse. Silence descends around them after that, the only sound Taka’s soft sniffling and Mondo’s quiet breathing. It’s… it’s oddly peaceful…

 Before long, Taka feels okay enough to pull his face back from the nest he’d made on Mondo’s chest, though he doesn’t remove himself from Mondo’s arms, not… not wanting to leave the warm embrace just yet… and while part of him wants to ignore the conversation they just had and continue on without ever talking about this stuff again, he… he doesn’t want Mondo to think he’s upset with him, or that he doesn’t actually forgive him, or… or anything like that… 

 “I… I understand, kyoudai, I just… y-you’re the first person to apologize to me, y-you know. For how you… how you treated me… but it- i-it’s unnecessary, kyoudai… you’ve proven through deed that you regret what you did, which is already more than what anyone else has ever done, so you… y-you don’t have to say it… I- I… I don’t want you to say it, I…” 

 Taka can feel the burning look Mondo is giving him, though he can’t bear to look Mondo head on to see the look himself. He can’t… h-he can’t… 

 “Ya deserve ta be apologized ta, Taka. Ya deserve ta have people acknowledge the shit they did ta ya. Ya… ya shouldn’t hafta blindly fergive people who can’t even be bothered ta say that shit, I… Taka…” 

 Taka bites his lip, shrugging stiffly, unsure how to explain what he means. God, is it hard…

 “I… I know that, kyoudai. But… I- I don’t know. I- I don’t… I don’t like… h-hm. C-can we please stop talking about this? W-we still have some more homework to finish, I know you’ve not done our physics assignment… and I wanted to go over it to make sure I did it properly… M-Mondo… p-please…” 

 Taka can feel the burning look intensify, can feel his stomach squirming in response, and he wants so bad for this conversation to be over with already, to not have to keep talking about this, to just… j-just be done with this already, please… he’s forgiven Mondo, he has, he doesn’t know why the biker refuses to accept this, he… what more can he give, he doesn’t know, he just… just… 

 “I… shit. Fuck. I… yeah. Okay, Taka. If ya wanna move on an’ do our fuckin’ homework… okay,” Mondo mumbles, his tone clearly unhappy, but Taka can’t fix that. He… he doesn’t know how to fix that…

 Instead, Taka nods stiffly and moves to grab his book bag that he keeps all his textbooks in, hating himself for his inability to be what Mondo needs him to be. He feels some regret at being forced to leave his kyoudai’s embrace to grab the book, but maybe… maybe it’s for the better…

 An uneasy silence fills the room as the pair grabs their stuff and prepares to work on the assignment their teacher gave them. Taka had already finished the work a while ago (like he’d already finished the algebra work, though he’d pretended he hadn’t for Mondo’s sake), but it’s always good to practice! Practice… practice makes perfect… 

 However… before Taka can start talking about the assignment and explaining to Mondo roughly how it works (even though he’s not one hundred percent sure himself, he’s not the best at physics after all), Mondo… Mondo speaks again… oh, god… 

 “Hey. Taka. Know ya… ya wanna move the fuck on, an’ I’ll respect that shit, okay? I get that my apology made ya uncomfortable, an’… shit. If ya don’t like it, I won’t do it again, promise. But, Taka… know that I mean it when I say ya don’t deserve ta go through that shit. Okay? An’… an’ while I won’t try an’ do this kinda shit again, don’t wanna make ya upset… know that when I fuck up? I am sorry. An’ I… I will do everythin’ I fuckin’ can ta show ya how sorry I am. ‘Through deed,’ as ya put it. I may be a fuckin’ criminal biker, but I know when I fuck up. An’ I… I won’t make ya uncomfortable, Kiyo, but I ain’t gonna do nothin’ when I fuck up. So… I’ll just hafta show ya how sorry I am. I guess.” 

 The comment hurts Taka as badly as all the others, knowing he doesn’t deserve it, but he doesn’t say that. He just nods stiffly, eyes firmly on his textbook, waiting for Mondo to open his to the right page. Which— after a tense moment— Mondo does, the biker sighing softly again. 

 After that, Taka begins talking about the assignment, voice a little too shaky, but he does his best to explain everything the best he can. As time goes on, it gets easier to talk, Mondo chiming in here and there with his own comments on the work. It takes a while, almost half an hour, but by the time they finish the work, things between them are easy again. Taka’s smile is real, and Mondo’s eyes no longer hold the heaviness that Taka couldn’t help but notice. And that… that’s good. It’s… it’s good. Taka determines to forget this ever happened, not wanting to dwell on negative things that don’t matter. 

 However…

 However, as he and Mondo are cleaning up, Taka having a meeting with his local Morals Committee that he’s been working on in his spare time… he feels the urge to say something. Not anything big, but just… something. 

 “Hey… Mondo?” Taka asks softly, fiddling with the bag strap he has hanging across his chest, eyes on the ground even though he knows how weak it makes him. He can feel Mondo’s curious gaze upon him, and it almost makes him lose his nerve entirely. God…

 “Yeah? What’s up, kyoudai? Somethin’ the matter?”

 Taka bites his lip, shrugging uncomfortably, not knowing how to say what he wants to say, but knowing he wants to say something. What a conundrum… 

 “N-no, nothing like that. I just… well. I wanted to thank you. For… for what you said earlier. I know I may not have seemed the most appreciative, but I… I did appreciate your words. Your… y-your apology. It’s just… I don’t need that, kyoudai. I really don’t. Having your friendship is enough for me. I promise you that it is, my dearest kyoudai. I promise.” 

 A pregnant silence fills the room this time, Mondo’s eyes heavy upon his person, and it makes Taka feel very uncomfortable, though he does his best not to fidget. He still can’t meet Mondo’s eyes, and he… he hopes that’s okay…

 “Shit… yeah, I, uh… I get what ya mean. I… shit. I’ve never liked getting apologies either, ya know. Daiya, he… he’d apologize sometimes fer shit that wasn’t really his fault, or even shit that was, but I… I… shit. Never much liked it. So, I… I get it. But that don’t mean I don’t feel it, okay, Kiyo? Sorry fer hurtin’ ya. An’ if I ever hurt ya again, real bad, then I… I can’t promise I won’t try an’ apologize then. But unless that shit is big, I… I’ll try not ta do it. Okay? ‘Less ya tell me otherwise. That… that’s all I can offer, heh…” 

 Taka finds some hidden strength in him to look his kyoudai in the eye, a small half smile on his lips at Mondo’s words. While it may not make sense, he… he’s honestly glad Mondo promised that. He understands the importance of apologies and he thinks it’s good to apologize to people you’ve hurt. But he just… for himself, he… he doesn’t need that. He doesn’t really even want that. He just wants to move on and forget it ever happened, really. 

 “I… t-thank you, kyoudai. Thank you.”

 After that, he and Mondo exit the room, the biker lifting a hand to wave goodbye as Taka heads to the location that his Morals Committee meets. So far, it’s only him, a couple reserve students, and one staff member, but that’s okay! Taka has started Morals Committees with less people before, and they clearly did well enough that it got him here, didn’t they? So, he’s not bothered by it. All he needs is time, effort, and dedication!

 With that… anything is possible. 

 ~~~~~

(In case anyone is confused, Taka’s problem with apologies is that they embarrass him. He doesn’t think he deserves to be apologized to, nor has he ever been apologized to before by anyone, so having Mondo apologize makes him very uncomfortable. I have a similar problem, though I’m not that bad with it, ha. I also put it to kind of explain why Mondo doesn’t apologize that much later in the story. Maybe it’s a bit of a cop out, but eh. It’s something, and I hope y’all like it.)

[dracothedeatheatingcupcake-ao3]

Fun fact: I was checking my record of the statistics for TPWP and was comparing them to the stats for TPWM (as I like to sometimes do, just for fun), and discovered that at chapter 20 of TPWP, the story had about 220k words (225,156 exactly).

TPWM has 320K words (322,341 exactly). That's almost exactly 100,000 words more at the exact same chapter. And, technically, that's one less chapter, since the chapter numbers are not in sync.

I'm sure no one else cares about this, but it makes me laugh, especially when thinking about how TPWM was supposed to be a short, barebones, mini fic strictly showing Mondo reacting to big moments in TPWP. And instead, I get... this. I swear, it's going to be at least 500k words by the end. It's already 100k more than TPWP, I don't think it's going to be hard for me to get an extra 20k or so in there. 😩 I mean... the amount I've written so far of chapter 23 is already double the amount from chapter 24 of TPWP. It's only 7k words compared to 3k words, but still. (And that's only maybe a fourth of the chapter's total length. Yeah, y'all can see why this is taking me a bit, oof.)

So yeah, just a fun little fact I wanted to share 😅 I've not had much time/energy to write more of TPWM recently, but hopefully soon. Grad school is being difficult, though. Not the content, but the fact that my school seems to be incompetent. Work and friends are also getting me down, so we'll see if I can muster the energy to write. It usually helps make me feel better, so I hope my weariness dissipates soon. Maybe I'll do my own quasi NaNoWriMo thingy... make writing 50k words of TPWM by the end of November a goal. Maybe then I'll finish a chapter or two 😂😂

[possessingtheproperspirit]

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ on TPWP(I love every word in that fic, any chapter/section you want to talk about is perfect)

Oh you are so kind!! I have taken a few days to answer this ask as I couldn't decide what to focus my answer on 😂 but in the end I chose TPWP Chapter 12: Even When I Numb Myself.

This chapter has everything I enjoy writing: utterly bleak sadness, shifts in timelines, a character coping in a way that I can totally relate to, a party, and 2D-shape jokes.

Normally I'm the person who writes every scene in order: I don't like to skip ahead or go back to fill in gaps, unless it's because I've suddenly realised something needs slotting in that isn't already there. But with Chapter 12, I wrote all the 'before' scenes first, because it seemed easier to me to tap into that overwhelmed, desolate feeling that Lily has in one run, and then once those were done, I went back and wrote the 'after' scenes which slot in between.

Much to the distaste of various other lovely writers on here, I'm not much of a planner—I think this chapter was jotted down as "Lily finds out her mum is dying", and that was it. I knew I wanted to hit a few particular emotional beats, a few mini-headlines if you like: her dumping Rafe (the rotter); some kind of conversation with Marlene, who'd felt a bit neglected; her making up with James whilst also finding out he's now dating Cadence. Beyond that, I didn't have a clear idea of how it would all pan out.

I think I was mid-way through writing it when I remembered that Lily's birthday is at the end of January, so a party could be on the cards, and that opened up the fun of her getting wasted and giving her friends even more cause to worry. I didn't want there to be too much obvious pining on her part over James—at this point, she thinks of him as a friend and isn't quite sure why seeing him with Cadence feels a bit odd. So the conversation where he finds her out on her own in the corridor was fun to write, finding ways to show that she is thinking about Jadence (Cames? Always fun) but that she's fairly convinced that she's fine with it, probably, mostly.

Oh! And the party gave me another opportunity to showcase the Mac and Black dynamic duo, whose friendship I did not plan (see above) but which has been a delightful element of the whole fic. Their chat about James, about how Mary could've been the one who was dancing with him at this party, and her admitting that she likes James but loves Lily more...that was a really satisfying admission to write. Most of these wonderful idiots are so much more aware of other people's feelings than they are of their own. Poor Mary.

Double oh! I knew I liked this chapter. Just noticed it's also the one where Remus admits he read Sirius' letters that he'd parcelled up as a Christmas present. They don't really address any of the important stuff in them—that would be too easy, wouldn't it—but at least it's out there. And Pete ate twelve sausages.

Also, this was another chapter in the Break Up column for Pete and Iris. The star-crossed lovers.

Overall the party was a fun balance to the, well, misery of the rest of the chapter, and I enjoyed little insights into the wider lives of the characters, such as...

Marlene is arm-wrestling fourth-year Kasim for some reason

Dorcas thinks people are going to have work harder to see her in her underwear

In defence of Lily and her heartbreak, James had pranked Rafe so that any reflective surface howled and begged for mercy when he looked in it

The line "mmm! water!" shows James at his peak as encouraging dad!friend

Okay I think that's all the rambling I can subject you to. 😂 Thank you for sending this!!