#work is a stressor today when usually i try to be more positive

[mj-1992]

life of a healthcare worker: short staffed and call offs every shift, without fail.

[rin-and-jade]

Petrified like Medusa: A Post about Catatonic Dissociation. (more like how catatonia and dissociation work, creating a devastating combo. oof!)

Have you ever got that feeling where you cannot move your limbs, say a word, or even breathe? Do you feel like all your functions had stopped as if it's a statue? Where everything ceases to a halt as your body betrays whilst doing your daily activities? Something else might felt wrong and odd too;

It's not just your imaginary,, it is something real that us, systems sometimes experience. May this post bring you understanding of today's topic!

The difference between catatonia and dissociation

Catatonia is similar to freeze response, the only difference lies on the reason, which is: it is usually a byproduct of something (usually by overwhelm), while freeze activates from stressful situations. Being catatonic means:

Stuck in a position, no matter how uncomfortable or what pose you're at.

Find it hard to execute/keep up with basic actions such as eating, drinking, breathing, or even blinking!

You find yourself actively struggling/fighting against the heavy friction of the unmoving body. Or is absent from any forms of thoughts, seemingly empty inside out.

Stiff, rigid movements, making soft skills harder to perform.

--

Dissociation on the other hand, is an active defense that works by flinging you out from there by any means. Making you feel physically + emotionally detached, and mentally not engaging the situation. It is a veil that blurs the details and such, minimizing as much damage as possible.. it can look like:

The world looking a bit slow, distorted, or unclear.

Tactile sensations and sounds feel toned down and damped.

Your thoughts and movement may or may not get sluggish/lagged.

Memories feels fuzzy, preventing clarity of the situation.

How it affects us, systems..

Catatonic dissociation can happen when we are faced with inevitable, stressful moments. Depending on how bad the situation is,, when you're dissociating, catatonia can slowly creep up on you and petrify everything from top to bottom.. like medusa; This alone can hinder the communication and body coordination in systems.

Luckily, you can be aware of the warning signs soon before it sets in, pay attention to:

Feeling a huge reduction in movement, or have confusion of it.

It's harder to speak clearly, possibly restricting volume or vocals.

You are unbothered when someone is pushing you, for example. And stayed passive/still trying to process what happened.

Finding yourself standing/sitting/etc longer than you'd expect to.

A change in switching patterns, or show clear struggle in attempt.

Things feels like it skipped a beat, and you 'snapped out' every few moments. As if you were put into a trance.

--

Additionally, catatonia-like dissociation can also happen when you are in the middle of the process of a switch, feeling extra blank and unmoving until a new fronter completely took over, too! To minimize discomfort and possible injuries, practice caution by choosing a safe, comfortable spot beforehand.

The takeaway and tips to overcome this:

This episode is temporary, lasting from a few minutes to an hour or two (there might be instances that it will be longer). Frequency is subjective,

There are things that can be done to ease and lesson such discomfort or struggles; starting from planning a tactic for this situation, minimizing current triggers/stressors, finding a spot to lay down/sit although it'll be hard.. so take this step steady, and stay comfortable until it disappears by itself. Grounding techniques could help, though i have not tried them myself, feel free to test the theory.

Lastly, this concludes the end of the post! Thankyou for helping me decide which to do first, so please expect the other one to be out in a few weeks as i go down the rabbit hole, yet again. If you find this interesting, or helpful, or worthy of being shared to other people, i will appreciate every one of you who had read 'til the bottom of the post <3

- j, a very happy one

[darkwood-sleddog]

i am so proud of zombie.

she's my most vet nervous dog, partly because of a bad vet experience not long after bringing her home that was in no part the veterinarian's fault (somebody had their aggressive mastiff essentially on a shoe string as they came through the door and she was on the scale and he lunged at her), but also in part due to the masks being worn during the pandemic. this made the vet even more averse for her so my veterinarian and i had worked closely together to make appointments more comfortable and less stressful.

this included action items like:

-not bringing her into the back and doing all necessary procedures in the exam room with me present.

-having me manipulate her face during any part of the exam that required it such as showing teeth, holding her head still for eye exams, holding her mouth for oral vaccinations etc.

-having both the vet tech and vet present for vaccines and blood draws as well as myself, with me stepping in to hold zombie's head.

-limiting her vet visits to as few as possible a year.

-bringing a muzzle she is trained for just in case that we've fortunately never had to use.

she's not very willing to participate in cooperative behaviors when she's super nervous, but care does have to be done in a thoughtful way. the above has worked out super well because the vet techs party time feed her treats while the vaccine is being administered, i provide praise, and as soon as the vaccine is done she is released and given a cool off period before we do the next one.

she used to be so tense and stiff, trying to run and flee from the doorway of the exam room, refusing food etc. but she really showed improvement today, like massive improvement.

she was happy to be at the vet office location and joyfully got on the scale, showing off tricks (she's a trim 74 pounds right now so i'm v pleased with that too), she only hesitated at the exam room door instead of trying to flee, she actually greeted the vet tech and our vet and demanded attention. she took treats with gusto, i barely had to hold her while her vaccines were administered and while they did a blood draw. she was perfect, it was the most positive vet experience she's probably had in her time with us, which is a majority of her life.

she doesn't go to the vet often (and she's my most consistent dog in terms of she's never had a major health worry or anything, weight and behavior are usually consistent etc.), so it was kinda shocking that she made such major improvement since last time, but it just goes to show how important the reduction of stressors can be.

[trenidy-della]

I almost feel like I have been handling the recent stresses in my life too calmly.

My youngest step son was diagnosed with epilepsy on his first day of high school. He had an amazing first day and then was sitting at his computer like he normally does in the evening and just collapsed with a seizure. He went to the hospital via ambulance and had two more grand maul seizures through the night. He had one more later in the week, but it was a small tonic seizure. He has been free of them since his meds were upped to a higher dose for the last month. Then he had one at school today. He apparently felt it coming and got himself to the nurse before it came on. Then we were sitting at dinner this evening and he felt another one coming. It came on slow with an eye twitch that spread to a full clonic. It didn't last very long though the whole thing is tense and does feel like it is taking forever in the moment.

For both the initial incident a little over a month ago and today's I feel like I have handled it with more grace than expected. My anxiety is pretty high, but I am still functioning and getting stuff done. When my anxiety level gets too high usually I struggle with shutting down.

And while everything with the 14 year old is stressful enough, I have more on my plate than that. I have a new role as a Math Department Chair at my school, a department more than double the size of the staff that I had last year. We have been down two full teachers the whole year. Well mostly. We got one position filled briefly and then they quit after a week. So that has been great. (I am trying not to believe in curses, but damn, if the math department isn't cursed sometimes.) I FINALLY am supposed to have the department fully staffed by next week but I have been fielding a lot of angry parent emails and phone calls. I don't always do well with parents, and have spent a decent number of years in my career as a teacher actively avoiding parents if possible. Yet somehow I am almost revelling in dealing with the parents, as much as their disgruntled nature at the moment is stressing me out.

I've been able to count on everyone coming to work, or letting me know when something is wrong. The team comes to me and communicates with me. Which is awesome so that we can plan ahead and take care of issues as soon as possible, like covering classes this afternoon when one of the teachers got into a car accident this morning on the way to work. (She is okay. Very shaken up and had her airbag deployed so she will be out a few days.) This communication was not what I was getting from my smaller department last year. (One of the members of my team last year did a no-call, no-show AGAIN this year. I wrote him up for it at least 3 times last year. Their new manager is trying not to lose her mind.)

In addition to Department Chair and Sick Kid, I have also stepped up one of my secondary job titles of Lead Technology Liaison. I'[ve been meeting with the IT staff regularly to help finish the last of our transitions from our old parent company, and make sure that everything that we are doing in the process makes sense and is as seamless as possible. They are a great group and I am really enjoying working with them. It feels like we are finally making some positive changes that we were not able to make with our multinational giant corporate conglomerate overlords from before.

Oh... and did I mention that my Math Department is also onboarding as many people as all of the other departments combined? We had to clear house last year because of soooo much awful dead weight that was contributing to the downfall of our academic program. (When the kids say they learned nothing, I very much believed them.)

And while the list of stressors imply that I should be ready to collapse under the weight of it.... I feel like I'm not. I feel like I am rising to the occasion far better than I had to last year's challenges. I feel like I have calm and rationality in the face of it all, even when I feel like I have no reason to be.

I'm still not drinking, which I think has helped. I have continued to go to the gym and I work with a personal trainer at least once a week. My eating habits are okay... my sugar consumption is a little fucked since that seems to be the one place where my stress is really manifesting. Some dark chocolate something is just... *chef's kiss* when I want to run screaming from my responsibilities. I otherwise eat pretty healthy. Mostly "low carb" but high fiber and high protein.

I also did not expect this to get this long.

[binniedeactivated]

— #txt reactions.

(toxic txt....)

a/n; hey guysssss <3 toxic txt under the cut

╰┈�� soobin --- it finally happened and you couldn't be happier. you were waiting for this moment since you first got the job. especially since you worked your ass off in that place day and night, picking up the slack that your coworkers left for you. you were excited that all of that work didn't go to waste and that your boss finally saw the value you held at the company. when you finally came home you just wanted to do a happy dance across the kitchen floor. a $25,000 raise and a promotion was enough to make you dance like no one was watching. except, someone was watching and it was your beloved husband soobin, who was currently cooking and smirking a little at how giddy you looked. "someone's excited?", he spoke, stirring the food in the pot. you turned to hang your coat on the coat rack trying to hold back how much you wanted to just run around the house. "I have good news baby". he fetches the seasonings across from him. "what is it?". you exhaled, "remember when I'd come home complaining about work and how lazy my coworkers are and how they never do anything?". soobin nods and hums. "mhm?". your heart started to pound. "well.. I don't have to do that anymore because i finally got a raise and a promotion! And I'm making more money than them now. I even get to manage several locations I'm so excited!". you were expecting a lot of reactions out of soobin, but one thing you weren't expecting was for him to go completely cold after that sentence. he didn't smile or jump around with you. he just stood there and continued cooking as if you didn't say anything at all. "soobin?". he hums in response. "did you hear me? I just said I got a promotion and a raise". he nods his head. "yeah I heard you". you throw your hands down at your sides, getting pissed. "so? you're not going to be happy for me?". he leans his hands on the counter giving you a deathly stare. "you don't ever think before you take things? like honestly. how are you going to manage several locations that are much too far from the house? that position is too much". he said annoyingly. you couldn't believe he was being like this. "it's a position that's going to get me closer to the position I really want to be in. why are you turning this into something negative?". he continues stirring, "because it is. it's a dumb decision".

╰┈➤ yeonjun --- as soon as you guys started this type of relationship you agreed it would be a strictly friends with benefits type of deal. no romance or anything of that sort. just sex. good enough sex to satisfy you both throughout your stressors of life. you couldn't get enough of yeonjun and he couldn't get enough of you. he knew exactly how to handle you. but as yeonjun came and went from tour to tour around the world, you had kids. two of them. and it was getting difficult by the day caring for them by yourself and taking in all the finanical responsibility especially if their father was a pop star. yes, yeonjun was their father and you had yet to tell him. in order to cover things up you told him you were screwing around with one of your exes, which yeonjun didn't really care about since he was only with you just for the sex anyways. well, that's mainly what scared you. he didn't care about you or your life, just sex with you. it was the weekend just before yeonjun was scheduled to go on another tour again, and after another session with him he had fallen asleep beside you. money was getting tight and you were on the verge of almost losing your home due to caring for the kids. you decided that it was time he knew, so that he could at least help you. you shook him gently until his eyes fluttering open. "yeonjun? we need to talk". he rubs his eyes and yawns. "about?". you bit the sides of your tongue nervously. "i haven't been honest with you". you admitted, leaving yeonjun to immediately give you a heart wrenching stare that gave you goosebumps. that was another thing about yeonjun. he had a temper equivalent to a lion's roar. "what are you talking about?". you breathed. "those kids? that I told you were from my ex...they're not. they're yours. I had them while you were touring and I hid most of my pregnancy from you and I'm sorry. I'm struggling to raise them alone and I really need a father figure to help me with this". he immediately exhales and facepalms himself in distress. "why are you just now telling me this shit?". "I was scared of what you were going to say". "you don't just drop that on someone. especially while I'm in the midst of another tour-- i can't do this right now". he grabs his shirt and wrestles it over his head. "where are you going?". "I'm leaving. I have to deal with this when I'm ready to deal with it". he lifts himself off the bed and you panic when he walk towards the door. "yeonjun I'm telling you I need help I can't do this alone". he doesn't even look at you before he shuts the door behind himself. "I have to go".

╰┈➤ beomgyu --- "well I think this house is perfect for you both and I can't wait to see you two moving in it". you nodded at your realtor, doing the last walk around in the home you and beomgyu dreamt of having. you wished he could've been here, the moment you guys were finally going to pay the closing costs and settle things just before moving in. but unfortunately he told you that he had to work almost all day today and he wouldn't have the time. you thought this was kind of a special moment but you didn't want to make such a fuss about it. you instead did things on your own, pooling out your wallet to pay the money that would make you and beomgyu home owners. but once you unzipped your wallet you realized that every wad of cash that you held within it was gone. your stomach churned at the sight, not believing this was happening to you at this moment. you gave a nervous chuckle at your realtor, doing another search through your purse trying to figure out if it dropped in there perhaps. you could've sworn it was in your wallet beforehand. looking through your purse hadn't helped, you could only find a couple of old crumpled dollar bills. what was once the most happiest moment of your life quickly became the most embarrassing. and to make matters worse you recalled that beomgyu had been spending more than usual lately, thousands at a time in fact and claiming that it was for work. nothing made you more angry than being embarrassed like that in front of your realtor and possibly loosing the home, most of this anger is the anger that you unleashed on beomgyu as soon as he walked in the door that night. "so what the fuck gyu? what the fuck was that today?". he kicked his shoes off at the door tiredly. "what are you talking about?". he asks even though he knew already. he expected this to happen."you know that house that we already started buying? yeah the closing fee had to be paid today and you knew that. where did all that money go?! why the fuck are you spending so much money?! that was the house that we always wanted". "I didn't spend the money. I don't know what your problem is, blaming me when you're the one being irresponsible". "you're a liar! that closing money was in my wallet for weeks. now all of a sudden when I'm about to spend it it's gone. you have bad spending habits and lately they've gotten worse. where's the fucking money gyu?". he said nothing, just continued walking passed you and getting ready for bed like you weren't even there. he knew what he spent the money on. strippers and explicit services from different women. but that was the last thing he was going to tell you. you swallowed hard and continued speaking. your cheeks burned with fury. "and to top it all off you knew I wanted that house to be ours so we can build a family and start our life in it. why do you do fucked up shit and just not care?". he finally shifted his attention towards you, looking more mellow than anything else. "you need to calm down. alright? I didn't spend it. and if anything, we can find a house somewhere else. it isn't that serious and you need to stop blaming me for everything".

╰┈➤ taehyun --- it always got like this when taehyun was drunk. and taehyun drank pretty often. he wasn't a stranger to liquor and that's what made you most afraid when he got a hold of any. especially on a night like this. your job was having a banquet in celebration of your boss and you were required to attend. you bought a beautiful gown for yourself and of course a lot of expensive makeup and jewelry. you wanted to look your absolute best since almost every executive you could name would be there. but unfortunately taehyun was home, drinking and watching you get ready. he winced at the burning sensation of the liquor slithering down his throat. "where do you think you're going?". you could see him through your long mirror, looking like a drunken mess. his eyes were hazed and he didn't really look like himself. not the sweetheart taehyun that you once knew, the one that used his funny and romantic personality to reel you in the beginning. "I'm going to a banquet taehyun. it's for my boss and I can't be late". he swallows and takes another look at you. "you think you're going anywhere looking like that? what? are you planning on leaving me?". you should've. you should've left him a long time ago as soon as he started to show signs and you knew it. "It's a banquet taehyun. I have to look my best. I can't be looking crazy in front of everyone". he did that fake laugh that you hated. "stop being a liar. you think you're leaving me, and I'm not letting that happen". you shake your head. "don't start this. not tonight. I told you I have somewhere to be and I'm telling the truth. If I were leaving you I would've been gone already". he gives another throaty laugh before taking another swig of his drink. he was nothing like you thought he was when you first met him. "please. you would've been gone already? do you really think there's people out there that want you?". you snapped your head back at him in shock. "what?". "I said do you really think there's people out there that want you? you're lucky that you even have me. you haven't left me not because you don't want to, but because you can't". you clenched your jaw tightly in a fit of rage. "what?". he smirked. he liked whenever he hit a nerve with you. "you heard me. you made me like this. drinking all the time and shit. you drive me crazy. you see how much you've ruined me? you're a toxic piece of shit and no one else is going to put up with you".

╰┈➤ kai --- you both talked about this already. way before your relationship had even started heuning assured that he was completely fine with it. you had a son from your previous boyfriend and kai offered to care for him even though he wasn't exactly his. your son wasn't the problem but it was your ex that drove kai up a wall. he hated the way that your ex was still in love with you. he hated the way he looked at you. he hated the way he talked to you, sweet, and almost as if he was trying his absolute best to win your heart back. what you didn't know about kai was that his jealousy streak was far beyond anything you could ever imagine. so much that he wouldn't even be able to stomach the thought of you with someone else. or you having friends even, taking away the time you could've been spending with him. his jealousy went to unbearable lengths, most of which you haven't seen because he hid this trait from you. it was your son's third birthday, you were throwing a party from him in the backyard of your home. it was the cutest thing kai had ever saw and he wanted to just jump in the bouncy houses along with the kids. but instead, your boyfriend put his childlike traits away and steadily watched you and the father of your child talking across the yard. he couldn't tell what the conversation was about but he saw the man smiling. it didn't take much for kai to make assumptions and as of now he assumed he was flirting with you yet again. he approached the both of you, sliding his arm around your waist and kissing you on your cheek right in front of him. he could see the anger simmering in the man's eyes but kai didn't care. he does that smile that he does for everyone. the smile that made him look like an innocent child "baby I think jae had an accident in the bouncy house", kai informed you. you hurried to the child's aid just like he wanted, leaving him and the man alone. kai reaches into his back pocket and discreetly flicks up his blade, pushing it against the man's clothed stomach. the man's eyes grew large at the sudden threat. kai smirked at his fear. his smile faded and his eyes grew incredibly dark. "flirt with my fiancé again and I promise this blade will go straight through you".

[tttinytrash]

So @shamedump, you made a mistake saying using your boys was ok. Forever ago on their blog (which if you haven’t checked them out yet you should) there was mention of Mage bitties, their Nightmare that’s more of a overly blunt but well-meaning boy than canon Nightmare, growing into biggies and a few of em running a place you could go to have them drain negativity off. They get fed, you’re less stressed, win-win! This has kinda been an idea I pop back to when I’m feeling particularly stressed and I decided that since they said using their ideas was ok with credit, I’d go for it and actually write something. So Mage, and all the subsequent ideas of how their powers work, what their body is like, (I even borrowed the mousepad analogy) and whatnot is all Dumpling. I simply extrapolated a story out of it. Any misrepresentations of the character I’ll pretend comes from the fact that they’re bitties/biggies and therefore personality can differ a little from the source material. At least, that’s what I’ll say to make myself feel better lol. 

Your cousin had dragged you to this place, and you had immediate reservations upon arrival. The place was run by biggies, which wasn’t the issue. You really just couldn’t help that they looked intimidating. 

Every biggie in the shop had black goop covering their whole form, and four extra appendages sprouting out of their back. They were somewhat taller than you, and definitely broader. Despite all this, you knew they couldn’t help their appearances and made no move to actually be scary, so you pushed the anxiety down (to join the plethora of other anxiety in the pile) as your cousin approached the desk. The biggie at the desk was pleasant enough as she checked you in for your appointment, then came back to sit in the waiting area with you.

“Just gotta wait for a chair to open, cous. This will be the best decision you’ve made all week, I swear!” She assured you as she took her seat beside yours.

You agreed absently, watching the other humans, monsters, and biggies wander through the store. The Mage biggies, as their type was called, each stood behind comfy looking chairs with their client seated before them facing a big mirror on the wall. It reminded you a lot of a hair salon, actually. One tendril from their back wrapped around each wrist, while their hands gave a shoulder massage. Actually, the one on the end of the row was braiding his client’s hair. That observation struck you as pretty cute, and managed to sap away some apprehension. 

“little less scary now?”

You all but leapt from your seat you jolted so hard.

Your cousin tried and failed to muffle a snicker at your expense as the biggie continued “whoops. sorry, wasn’t trying to sneak up on you.”

“N-no, It’s fine. Just kinda got caught people watching.” you assure, trying your best to laugh off the mortification.

“it’s fine, we get it. i’m jethro. i’ll be taking care of you today.”

“Nice to meet you, I’m y/n.”

“Ooh, such a good name!” your cousin interjected.

“heh, thanks. my adopter was into some cop show. guess my attitude back in the day reminded him of somebody. anyhow, my chair is right this way, y/n.”

Your cousin excused herself and left you to your appointment, which had been the deal. You were too nervous to wait alone at a new place, but knew you should be ok from here. Jethro guided you to one of the indeed very comfy chairs and took his position behind. His tendrils grabbed a stool from against the wall and set it behind the chair so he could sit as well. Despite being behind you, he was able to look at you easily by turning his one eyed gaze to the mirror set on the wall in front of you.

“this is your first time, right?” Jethro asked, so far keeping his hands to himself.

You confirmed that it was.

“right. so i assume there’s questions?”

“Yeah, my cousin said you guys drain negativity. How literal is that?”

“exceedingly. we can sense emotions, especially negative ones. we can also feed off of em. again, literally. we remove them through physical contact and they’re converted into magic in our bodies.”

“You guys eat our bad emotions?”

“yep.”

You realized something. “...You sense them too.”

“Yep.”

“Does that include nervousness?”

“yep.”

“So you knew I was literally scared when I walked in.”

“yep.”

“I am so sorry.” Ugh, now he probably felt how mortified you were. Now he thought you were a racist! You were far from one of those monster hating bigots! Shit, maybe you should just leave-

You flinched when two cold pressures settled on your wrists, and your mortification ebbed.

“you’re fine, told you we get it.” Jethro cut your shameful spiral short, and you realized he’d wrapped his tendrils around your arms.

The appendages were cool to the touch, and the grip was light enough you could easily break free if you had any desire to. Thing is, you didn’t. You felt the stress that had been building up simply start to vanish. It left you feeling hollow, but calm and gratitude quickly filled the void. You could definitely tell those feelings were literally being taken away from you.

“now, since i’ve absorbed those negative feelings i know roughly why you came in and i’m also here to talk you through all of it rather than just making it go away if you want. but usually people just go quiet on their first time, up to you. given your reaction here, i’m assuming you want to enjoy the clear head space awhile instead?”

You nodded, feeling ever so slightly loopy. Was that an affect of the draining?

Jethro made an amused acknowledging sound. He reached forward, using his hands to apply pressure to the tense muscles around your shoulders and neck. You melted into the pleasant touch, briefly feeling shame for so visibly reacting before that too was wicked away.

“heh, i sense a return customer.”

You smiled, oh hell yes you were.

-----

You became a regular immediately.

All the guys in the shop were great, but Jethro definitely ended up your preferred siphon, and he was who you made appointments with.

You were in a session with him now, and it was nice to have him act as a sounding board as to how to deal with you day to day stressors. You’d picked up a few calming techniques you used on a daily basis by now, and your sessions had reduced in frequency by this point. It was almost a friendly catch up session between you two whenever you made a booking, but you still absolutely appreciated his services. 

As you two casually chatted near the end of your appointment, another biggie walked out from the back room. You’d seen a few clients go back there, only to emerge hours later. That was the “Special Treatment” room, and you were curious what that entailed but had never mustered the courage to ask. This curiosity meant you were very keen on observing the biggie that had just exited and therefore delighted when he took a seat in the vacant client chair next to yours. 

Jethro greeted him as he settled, and you noticed the newcomer had his hand laid on his belly as if to steady it. 

“special treatment?” Jethro asked.

“yeah. they totally fell asleep, but i’m not gonna bother them just yet.” the other responded.

“heh, they must have needed it then. nightmares, i guess?”

“yeah. pretty bad. all the more reason to let em rest.”

The conversation drifted from there, and you eventually got looped in and belatedly introduced to the other biggie, who you learned was named Obsidian. Throughout the conversation, you didn’t miss that Obsidian had his hands folded over his middle, and kept swiping his thumb across the surface whenever the special treatment client had been referred to.

You left the store contented but all the more curious. Maybe you’d finally ask when you came back next time.

-----

God this sucked.

When it rains it pours, apparently. It started with your manager breathing down your neck at the same time a bunch of impending deadlines were looming for school. With a cherry on top of family drama, you felt like a frayed nerve.

Your next siphoning session was two weeks away, but damn did you need the support now. You’d tried your calming strategies, which while they kept a panic attack at bay weren’t enough. You’d tried handling this on your own but it just wasn’t cutting it after a few days of the stress piling up on itself in your head.

You walked into the shop, hoping beyond hope that they took walk in clients.

Obsidian was apparently slotted for receptionist duty today, and he seemed to take notice of you before you were able to even say anything. His head jerked up as if he’d heard a loud noise and once his gaze settled on you, recognition dawned quickly. “y/n? what happened?” The concern made it clear that your black cloud of anxiety was exceedingly obvious to the empath before you.

“Everything, it feels like. There wouldn’t happen to be any openings today, would there?”

“i think we can swing something. gimme a sec.” 

The biggie disappeared in a shortcut, chair rattling down from its tilted position loudly. 

You flinched at the sound at looked around the shop for reactions. There weren’t many people, two biggies had clients and were politely ignoring the commotion you felt you’d made. You recognized one of the clients distantly, but your attention was quickly diverted to two figures emerging from the staff lounge. Obsidian lead Jethro, much to your delight, towards you. Jethro’s expression softened visibly at the same time you felt the happy thrill of recognition.

The expression settled into concern again by the time he’d approached. “you’re more negative now than when we first met, kiddo.” He said instead of a greeting. Blunt, as usual.

“I believe it. Sorry to drop in without a booking-”

“you’re fine, stoppit. you apologize too much. you’re probably due for a special treatment if you’re game for it.”

You perked up despite the dark knot in your soul at the mention of the mysterious back room. Your curiosity was piqued again, and you were up to try anything to get your head back in order by this point. So decided, you nodded.

You were lead into the back room, and you eagerly took in your new environment. There were a couple huge, very plush looking beanbags in the center of the room. A water cooler was off to the side, and a little table next to it had a hot water dispenser and tea bags. There wasn’t a ton of other things here, besides a few odd indoor plants and a distinct lack of mirrors compared to the salon-esque layout outside.

You belatedly realize that Jethro was trying to get your attention, and rush to respond. “S-sorry, what?”

“was askin’ if you wanted a rundown. this is your first time back here, you outta know what you’re agreeing to for both our sakes.”

“Ok, what happens next then?”

“well, you’ll recall that we consume negative emotions, and that we run off magic just like other monsters?”

“Yeah, of course.”

“this is an extension of that. some monster types have the ability to take others into their bodies harmlessly. if i do that, i’ll be able to sap even more negativity and also tease apart what triggered the emotions. that way we can work through it more specifically than in previous sessions, plus the negativity drains quicker.”

You blinked at him. That was one of the longer spiels you’d heard from him ever, but you were lost as hell. “That sounds great, but what did you mean about the taking into...?”

“yeah, it’s pretty similar to what you’re probably thinking. i’d essentially have to eat you.” he shrugged casually, like that was obvious.

You flinched away, feeling your heart rate spike.

“we don’t have to, if you want to try a normal session.” he offered, hands in pockets and expression neutral.

You go quiet in thought and he lets you. Everything from your previous session clicked into place, and you realized that when you’d met Obsidian he’d had someone inside while you three talked. You also realized the dim recognition you’d felt in the front room was that the client in the chair today was the same that’d disappeared into the back room with Obsidian. 

The train of thought came to a halt as you realized worrying was stupid, this was Jethro for frick’s sake! You trusted him easily, so extending that trust to allow what he clearly thought was the best move for you took little effort.

“If you think it’ll help, I’m up for it.” You say, determined.

He had a soft, almost relieved smile as he nodded in reply. 

He didn’t waste any time, and wrapped you snugly in all four of his tendrils. You were surprised by how little effort it appeared to take to lift your whole form off the floor. He flopped into one of the beanbags unceremoniously. 

So that’s what those are for. you thought as you watched him settle comfortably in the soft cushion.

You couldn’t help but tense when you were brought over his upturned face, and tilted so you were almost nose to nose (...nose to nasal bone. Whatever.) with him leaving your body hanging parallel to the floor in his grip. 

You’re not afraid, but you’re certainly nervous. Until you’re just not. You’ve done this enough to know he’s siphoning the nerves away, but this time you apparently don’t have much in the way of other emotions and are left with a hollow feeling. That utter lack of emotions leaves you to do nothing beyond going limp to make the next steps easier and watch as his mouth approaches to engulf your head. You duck your head down and find it pillowed on a tongue, cool to the touch and jet black. The light is almost immediately cut off as you’re pushed deeper in by the four tendrils around your torso. 

A wet gulp squishes into your ears and you feel a pressure over the crown of your head as your skull presses into the throat. You briefly wonder how a skeleton has such human like fleshy bits but chalk it up to the ooze over his whole bony form. A tendril slid off your body as its assistance was no longer needed, leaving a cool sensation and a slight tingle akin to mint in its wake.

Another wet sound and you’re in deeper. The sounds quickly pick up and settle into a comfortable rhythm, drawing you in with apparent ease. You eventually slide into a roomier space and flip into a somewhat seated position. You hear a sigh above you, and finally curiosity, relief, and a few other emotions take up residence in your head again. 

“you good?” You hear him ask, voice close but also somewhat muffled. 

You respond in the affirmative.

“good. get comfy, do whatever you need to. once you’re settled i can stop focusing on the anxiety of this arrangement and instead deal with what brought you here.”

You scootched into a comfortable curled position and forced yourself to cycle a breath. You used your favored calming technique and found that your nervousness first came back before ebbing completely. He’d stopped siphoning it away, but you felt fine now. You decided that you could take this opportunity to feel out your new surroundings for a moment, since Jethro pretty much gave permission. You decided to start pretty literally, pushing outwards on a wall with light pressure. Your fingers sunk in, the texture was like pressing on a gel mousepad. Cool to the touch, but you weren’t about to start shivering in here. 

The whole area was dim, but the grooves in the wall dully glowed with turquoise light enough to see your surroundings and to see where your hand was in relation to the rest of you. You weren’t blind in the pitch dark, much to your relief. (Not that you had considered that issue before agreeing to be taken in.) 

You ran your hand along the wall to further investigate and found friction minimal while not feeling wet. You didn’t quite realize you were rubbing at the wall before you until you heard a light chuckle and felt an opposing pressure from outside. You understood immediately that that was his hand pressing in at you from outside and used both hands together to push at the appendage and interact. After a moment he changed to rubbing at you like you had him, asking “did you want to address what brought you in or keep on playing in there?”

“Ha, sorry. Yeah, we should start. What do I have to do?”

He let out a long suffering sigh. “y/n, you still apologize too much.” He sounded exasperated, but was also teasing you.

“S-” You were about to apologize, but caught yourself. Well shit, you didn’t know what else to say if not sorry.

Jethro laughed a little at you, before moving on to his next point. “all you have to do is relax. first i have to figure out what went on with you, then we can talk.”

You felt the difference starkly between a normal session and this one. You could feel the stress sap out of you, and what you had to imagine having your life flash before your eyes was like but instead directly related to your recent stressors. It felt like it lasted awhile while simultaneously feeling like no time had passed.

The following discussion was long, but sorely needed. By the end you felt relief, gratitude, and a renewed determination. At some point the chamber you were in had seemingly formed itself a small puddle of what was apparently liquid magic. Jethro had already explained that it was essentially the excess magical energy his body had converted your stress into, and you thought it was much less noxious in this form. It was warm to the touch and flowed like water the best you could tell in the dim light. It had a faint turquoise glow that still managed to not cast too much light just like the rest of his magic. It filled a few inches at the bottom, so while you had your legs crossed it lapped as the tops of your knees and around your hips. You scooped some of the liquid up and absently let it fall through your fingers onto your knee.

The only problem with this was that such warmth in addition to the emotional exhaustion you were already feeling combined to make you about to fall asleep. Maybe you should ask about getting out?

“you nodding off on me in there? your heart’s slowing down.” he asked, interrupting your thoughts.

“I think so. Guess I should get out.” You found that you were loathe to move, though. You stretched your legs out, pressing your feet into the opposing wall.

“i can let you out, sure.” he said easily. A pause, then he adds “unless you’d rather sleep.”

You blink. “In here? Don’t you want me out?”

You felt the wall behind you tug upwards, seeming like he shrugged. “i don’t have any other appointments today.”

“...If you don’t mind?”

“since when do i suggest anything i’m not willing to do?”

You chuckle “Fair enough. Well, thank you.” You pat the wall and reposition to a reclined, curled position.

He gives you a pat back, “don’t mention it.”

The last thought you had before sleep overtook you was that for how crap you felt before, you felt pretty good now.

[autisticchicc]

Unstructured Autism Rant

A/N: For COVID reasons, mask is purely metaphorical in this piece, not an actual face mask, the work scenario was something that happened pre-COVID.

Trigger Warnings: In-depth descriptions of autism-related struggles and meltdowns.

Disclaimer: This is my personal experience with autism, that is not to say that this is the experience of every person with ASD.

“Have I solved your issue today?” I ask the customer on the other end of the phone. I have; I don’t know why I’m asking this. The customer confirms I have, and I wish them goodbye, a good day, and thank you for calling the business. I don’t care if they have a good day, and I why on earth would I thank them for calling us? The entire interaction went on for far too long for my liking thanks to small talk and the customer pushing pointless information about themselves onto me. He told me he was sketching by the riverside, but why do I need to know about that? How do I respond to a piece of information that does nothing to or for me? Upon hanging up, I breathe a sigh of relief. The mask slips off my face slightly as I rub my temples.  

The relief is short-lived, as one of my co-workers comes over to my desk to talk about something. I take a deep breath and pull the mask back on properly before forcing myself to engage enthusiastically in this conversation. I don’t know this co-worker that well, I know nothing about how she talks, her personality, or her humour, only that I have a huge margin for error in this conversation. I concentrate intensely, trying desperately to make sense of her rapidly changing facial expressions and knowing when it’s my turn to talk. After interjecting at the wrong time on several occasions, I give up and just respond meekly when there’s an obvious gap. I feel embarrassed and awkward, and when she walks away, I kick myself. Why is it so hard to have a simple conversation? I’ve yet to make any friends at this job, and I don’t think I ever will at this rate.

I swivel back to face my two screens and lament the lack of a blue light filter on this software. My eyes ache, and the dog (yeah, don’t ask) on the upper level of the open plan office keeps barking. The occasional trilling of a phone irritates me more than usual as the late afternoon sun glares through the floor to ceiling windows at my photosensitive eyes. I can’t close the blinds because my co-workers love the sun, but I’m rapidly approaching a meltdown thanks to overstimulation, exhaustion, and following vague instructions all day. It feels as though every piece of sensory stimuli is stabbing at my eyes and ears. At the end of my shift I clock out and leave without saying goodbye to anyone. I don’t know them well enough to feel comfortable going out of my way to say anything in the first place.

Upon exiting the building, I cover my ears with my big headphones, the relief that washes over me is immense. All those invasive sounds are gone now, and I can listen to whatever I want. I still feel on edge, still teetering close to a meltdown, so I choose not to worsen it by listening to something that would fuel my anger. Sometimes it’s necessary, sometimes I desperately need to hear the pained screams of Pete Steele, the aggressive guitars and lyrics of Body Count. But today, I need something that isn’t going to give me the encouragement to punch the first person that triggers my rage.

For me, music is transformative and transportive. When I listen to particular songs with noise-cancelling headphones, it’s allows me to go somewhere in my imagination while my body moves to my real destination on autopilot. I decide on an uplifting song by The Knocks and Big Boi, Big Bills. It’s a song that makes me feel like a character in a movie that has just moved to a new city and is pursuing an exciting new life. To an extent that’s sort of true for me, minus the excitement and plot armour. Either way, it’s an uplifting song for me. So much so in fact, that I listen to it on repeat all the way home. If something interrupts the song, like an announcement on the tube or having to pause it, I have to restart it or it’s not the same.

When I eventually arrive home, the transformation happens. The moment my bedroom door closes, and I turn my headphones off, it begins. The outcome of this transformation can be vastly different depending on how my day went. It might be that it was a successful day socially, so I leave my phone out of sight and silently bury myself in a hobby for hours in order to recharge. It might be that the mask comes off and I begin to scream and sob, breaking anything I can to stop myself from self-injuring, burying the heels of my hands into my eyes to block any light. The transformation varies, but it is always the result of the same thing: suppressing who I am.

Much of being autistic and being forced to operate in a society catered to neurotypical people, for me, is suppressing my natural instincts and behaviour. Even when I have a positive day socially, it’s often contingent on how well I assimilated with other neurotypical people in that particular interaction. This is frustrating because not only am I exhausted because hardly anyone accommodates for me, I am also measuring the success of my day on other peoples’ standards. Many of my interpersonal relationships also operated that way until fairly recently, I was forced to behave and communicate the way that other people expected me to rather than what felt natural to me. There is only so many places and so much time I can maintain this act for, and so I was forced to simply cut those friendships off. I am no longer willing to negotiate my needs with people that clearly don’t like me enough to respect my disorder.

The friends I keep are mindful, lovers of the eccentric, embracing that which is different and persecuted for it. Often times I find that the people closest to me also have parts of their identity that mean they must also wear a mask of sorts when moving through society, be it racist society, patriarchal society, or queerphobic society. Our arms interlink on the fringes of an abstract hierarchy, turning away from the status quo and pursuing a life in truth and diversity. One day I’d love for everyone to be able to live authentically, for discrimination, isms and phobias to fade away into the past. I don’t see it happening in my lifetime, or perhaps ever, but I hope it does eventually.

In an ideal world, I would only interact with those aforementioned friends and no one else, but as we’ve established, that is not the world we live in. The reality is, I almost never get to interact with people who accommodate for me. I deal with people touching me without permission which makes my skin crawl, forcing me to take my headphones off when I’m fending off a meltdown, managers who don’t give me the specific step-by-step instructions I need, classmates who don’t understand that I don’t talk because I’m too shy, not because I’m unfriendly, lecturers that forget I can’t operate well in group work and can’t be in classrooms with harsh, fluorescent lights… The list is endless. Even going to the shop is a struggle, because the employees have no way to know. Although Tesco’s have been considerate and ‘progressive’* enough to introduce sunflower lanyards (https://www.tesco.com/help/invisibledisability/), most stores have absolutely no assistance in place for customers with hidden disabilities. I just have to hope that they don’t speak to me and that I don’t end up getting overwhelmed and having to ask anyone for help.

In a lot of ways, this pandemic has meant that I can avoid quite a lot of the scenarios that would usually cause me stress. I no longer work (admittedly, this causes more stress than it relieves), I don’t have to attend class in person, there is little to no in-person socialising, family events are cancelled, seasonal holidays are cancelled, queuing and crowding is no longer allowed (without distancing), etc. That has all been excellent and a relief. But on the flip side, it has given rise to a whole host of new problems. I hate being on camera or speaking in online lessons, there is no way for me to remind the teacher subtly I can’t do group work, masks trigger heat-related meltdowns for me, the financial instability of being unemployed has been a huge stressor, and the lack of government support is utterly enraging. 

Overall, it’s been a huge adjustment. The job that I talked about my experience with at the beginning of this rant is long gone now, so many things have changed. I have never dealt well with change, but this year has forced me to. In some ways I suppose you could say this is a positive development, exposure therapy is best at times. I just wish it had been more on my terms and not at the hands of a viral pandemic. 

[throughthewwods]

100 Days of Productivity 🏖 . Day 19-21

💙 I let my mind relax

💚 I let my body relax

💜 We did mom-daughter bonding stuff

🐾 lots of GSD training

Working more on him walking alongside me instead of in front of me, which he is stubborn AF about.. so much so that he has learned the sound of my feet when I’m about to correct him, but doesn’t care enough to stop 😆

did loose leash training and off leash training.. loose leash I have to remind him to start pulling a lot. Irritating. He does great off leash, which is delightfully surprising.

The socialization is working. He is rarely skittish of people and other dogs now. He’s also gotten better about not disjointing my shoulder when he wants to greet another dog or child.

His self restraint has improved greatly, which is to say that before it was almost nonexistent. Now when I ask him to sit, stay etc. he listens much better for longer.

He’s much less barky

💚 Did a lot of walking

💙 skin care is finally paying off.

A lot of the cystic acne has cleared up and I’m feeling comfortable going places without make up again, which is really nice for my self esteem..

🧡 had a couple more sessions with people on the helpline,

which finally went a little deeper. Unfortunately, both of those people only have a couple sessions left before their part in the study is over. I explain to my research Director that in future studies if we’re only going to offer hour long sessions, which is reasonable, then we should probably offer more weeks because it’s harder to go deep over text when an hour flies by so quickly. Since this has to be entirely non-directive, it’ll usually be chitchat for the first 45 minutes before something of content is shared for me to build off of, but by then I don’t want to open a sensitive topic then leave them hanging. I think our original plan to have ‘on demand’ support, divided up as volunteer shifts behind the scenes, probably would’ve gone better.

⭐️ returned a laptop we had out on loan

📚 got feedback from my stats professor and watched a couple lectures about my final project

🧡 got a reply from my department chair about my letter of recommendation

He said he would work on it next week, which I really appreciate. There are so many things as a first generation student that would’ve been helpful to know that.. you often don’t know you don’t know until the mistake has already happened... Even my efforts to ask people ‘who’ve been there’ questions hasn’t really been enough to circumvent the lack of knowledge that gets passed down from generation to generation. For example… many have emphasized the importance of building relationships with relevant people and that I will need strong letters of recommendation. However, nobody mentioned that when asking for a letter of recommendation, it’s usually with a month or more’s notice. also there are some quirks about the application process that nobody elaborated on.. I’m sure they would have explained, but I guess I didn’t ask the right questions or they assumed someone else would tell me.

So.. My ignorance has me feeling like a bit of an ass and grateful for everyone’s flexibility.

😬😅

The kindness of my department chair got me to thinking about the last appointment with my counselor, which left me adrift with a realization about myself, but no idea what to do with ‘that’. I have no idea what could help with the feelings of despair when I am floundering, barely hanging on wishing I had a support system then having to digest all over again that no matter how hard I work to better my circumstances blows keep coming and no matter how hard life gets, no help is ever coming (mainly grieving that I come from a family that is extremely dysfunctional, so although I feel dauntingly alone at times fending for myself as per usual, ‘this’ is still the better option or that my own familiarity with dysfunction and poor boundaries selected a toxic village; which I’ve since estranged myself from for years now.. These choices are surely healthier, but the isolation is particularly heavy when I’m barely hanging on) … then I shut down, rest until I have it in me to yet again fight the good fight and rise up from the ashes (not a secure foundational to build on.. lots of putting out fires and damage control then rebuilding)

Moving on to less depressing thoughts… 😺🌈🦄🍰

Most of the time I enjoy my alone time, so I rarely get lonely in the conventional sense.

Maybe I could try joining special interest groups on Facebook again for the camaraderie? 

RB helps. He is thoughtful in many ways, but mostly it helps to have a best friend again or to feel like there’s finally someone ‘with me’ in this, which has never been the case.

Maybe I could ask fairy godmother for help more often before I’m buried?

However, I don’t like having so many eggs in one basket. I need to branch out. At the same time, Covid prevents me from ‘mingling’

So… my ‘behavioral’ and ‘social’ solutions are what they are..

That leaves the Cognitive

That is the wall I’m not sure how to get around.. For a lot of people the solution is leaning on God/s, which is probably not going to work for me at this phase of my life where I don’t believe in a humanized deity that is concerned with human drama or wellbeing. I can’t change who my family is, but I do make a point to not talk to them, particularly my mother, very much when I am going through a hard time because it pokes the wound and exacerbates the depression. I guess I could work more on processing my grief, but that doesn’t help me with the finite stressors that are actually triggering the hyper arousal stress response. I do have people in my life I can call to chat with, which sometimes I do and sometimes I don’t depending on the severity of my circumstances because their well-intended platitudes feels a lot like someone clapping for you from the dock as you’re drowning, “We believe in you!” Thank you I guess? 🤷🏻‍♀️ 😅 After nobody bothered to call me when I finally was accepted into grad school I have decided several one-sided connections aren’t worth my emotional energy anymore where when we do talk they go on and on about themselves, but clearly couldn’t give a damn about me. It’s ok, but I don’t need that drain.

So these are things I can do for myself that reduce negatives pecking at my attitude.

I just don’t know about adding positive buffers because… refocusing on the people I can count on tends to just sort of remind me how very few there are.. heh. And self-pep-talks, “something something what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger” is already burned up fuel at that point of despair.

Then today I realize that i’ve been terribly sad at times that I don’t have supportive friends and family,

but I’ve overlooked how understanding, supportive, and flexible many professors have been.. people within the administration who have been willing to work with me even when I make mistakes and help me find solutions..  supervisors willing to take a chance on me. my caseworker who has known me for over a decade who has always vouched for my character and is going to support my petition for the masters degree scholarship..

💙

when I think about all that cumulatively, I feel..lighter. No, I can’t invite any of these people over for dinner. They’re not the shoulder I cry on,

but their support has been invaluable. I could not have gotten this far without their help and encouragement.

I have not been so alone on this journey.

[purplesurveys]

1056

survey by katesmarie13 

(Merry Christmas! Or Happy Holidays! Or Happy Friday! <3)

Okay, just a few basics first...THEN the new stuff.

Your full name? I only feel like sharing the name Robyn today.

Your hometown? Manila, kinda. I won’t give away the city I currently reside in.

Age? 22, and a waste of a year it was. I’m so tempted to just turn 22 again in 2021.

Now for something different and completely random...

When you're having a bad day, what comfort food do you reach for? It differs per bad day and it also depends if I can afford to get whatever it is I’m craving. Though for the most part, I’ve found myself pining for samgyupsal the most often. It’s just the ultimate problem-fixer and makes-the-sad-go-away-er.

Do you have an item that is your good luck charm? I don’t really believe in those, so no. The farthest I’ve gone with a certain item and luck is how I insisted to use the same paddle that was available in our gym whenever I trained for table tennis back in high school. The reason I don’t think it has anything to do with luck is because I simply thought I had the best grip with that paddle, not because I was convinced I can win any game with it.

If so, what is it? See paddle situation aboe.

Your favorite thing about your job (or school)? It’s in the media/public relations field so there are lots of freebies and treats that come with the job that make what I do worth it, and a lot more fun. The entire team also consists of Gen Z-ers and younger Millennials, so there are practices we follow that bigger corporations might not have, like longer office shutdowns during Christmas (we don’t get back to work until Jan 4th), reminders to take mental health breaks, and a no-video-meetings rule every Friday afternoon.

Least favorite thing about your job (or school)? It’s very, very hectic so I have the tendency to get overwhelmed as early as 10 AM. There’s never any dead air and I don’t get rest for nine hours straight (my shift is technically eight hours, but I work through the allotted 1-hour lunch break as well). OT is also common, but at least I get paid for it. Demanding clients who micromanage and/or ask for too much work to be done from our end also make the job stressful.

Does global warming and the hole in the ozone truly bother you? Of course. My heart sinks every time I come across a new article saying glaciers are melting, that animals living in polar regions are suffering, that sea ice continues to drastically decrease, etc.

Do you have a "funny" toenail? I don’t think so? All my toenails look...the way they’re supposed to look like, lol.

How many times have you moved in your lifetime? The times I can remember, just twice. But my parents moved around a bit when I was still an infant.

Do you watch professional wrestling and is it real? I do watch and keep up with it, just not as much as I used to. I don’t recognize most of the new faces anymore, and I wouldn’t be able to give you a decent breakdown of the current storylines in any promotion, not even in WWE. The angles, results, belts, and characters all aren’t real, but the movesets (especially the submission holds) risks, and injuries very much are. Are we going to debate this in 2020 still? Lmao.

What's your favorite thing to microwave? Don’t microwaves just heat stuff up? I dunno if it heats a certain food better than others lol.

Could Pop-Tarts survive a nuclear attack? I doubt it.

Does anyone know where the UP (Upper Peninsula) is? Can I give you a different UP? That’s where I went to in college, heh heh.

What's the regular unleaded gas price where you are? I have no idea. I never paid attention. I usually just give the gas attendant anywhere between P300 to P700 and see how far up it would fill my tank.

Do you know someone who's been injured in Iraq? I don’t know. Probably not. None of my relatives who migrated ever signed up for the US military.

Do you remember what a Puff-A-Lump is? I’m pretty positive I’ve never heard of it before.

Least favorite TV show? Game of Thrones.

Favorite canned soup? I don’t consume that.

How far does your belly button stick out or sink in? How can I even measure this?

Do you have a particular coffee mug you drink from? Yes, but I’ve described it so many times in surveys from just this month alone.

What does that mug say/have on it? The first line reads “Seattle, WA” then “Starbucks” in big bold letters, then “Coffee Company” below it, and the last line reads. “Est. 1971.”

Your take on declawing cats? I don’t like cats a lot but this does not sound like a responsible thing to do, and it also sounds like a painful procedure for a poor cat.

Do have smoke detectors in your home? No. That’s not really a requirement or standard practice here.

Would it be easy to erase YOUR identity? I suppose it’s technically easy to hire someone who can do that (a la Breaking Bad), I just would not be willing to do it and give up who I am for anything in the world.

Do you know anyone named Sam? Lots. My cousin is named Sam; I also went to school with multiple Sams.

How many drawers do you have in your room/office? Five.

What was your favorite snuggle toy when you were a child? I was happy with a pillow. I was never into stuffed toys all that much.

Great! A few firsts then...

What was your first pet and their name? I had a goldfish that I simply named Goldy. I vividly remember this because Angela’s first pet was also a goldfish; and there was a time we did show-and-tell in first grade and she bought her pet. We had been bickering that day, as 7 year olds do, and I remember being an absolute asshole and snickering when she introduced her fish as Fishy because I thought it was a cheesy name and that Goldy was far superior. Sorry Fishy. You had a great name.

When your mind wanders, where does it go first? My biggest stressor for the day, usually.

Your first knick-knack (item you placed in your room/house)? I have no clue. I was 10 when we first moved in here, and a completely different person.

First "real" piece of jewlery? (This goes for the guys too) I’m going to forgive this survey for being a little sexist because it’s nearly 15 years old; but anyway, I’ve never had any expensive jewelry of my own. All the pricey ones I’ve ever worn are owned by mom.

What did you do on your first date? We went to a museum and had early dinner at an Italian-American restaurant. We also had coffee after, and then she slept over at my place where I let her play GTA V on our PS3 because she wasn’t allowed to play it in her house.

Who was your first best friend? Kaye. I can’t trace her down now because she has such a common name, but I hope she’s been doing well.

When did you first realize that life isn't easy and fun? I was 12, going through puberty and a generally not-nice time of my life, with everyone in the house hating and isolating me.

And lastly...

The last thing you thought about before you fell asleep last night? I briefly thought about how many hours I need to sleep to get a decent rest, but I passed out in like 10 seconds.

Your last argument? Last night my mom and I had an argument about where I last placed my phone because I had already misplaced it two times prior during the day.

Your last words to someone...? “You’re wearing black; it’s not too obvious” when my mom was complaining that she looked a bit big in her outfit for today.

The last place you'd go? I’m not very sure about the wording here. Do you mean the last place I went to (outside the house to pay for a delivery)? Or the last place I’d want to go to before I die (no clue)? Hahahaha.

The last thing you'd find yourself wearing? Again, not so sure about the grammar here.

What will be the last thing that you do today? Trying to doze off.

[ofmermaidsandmarauders]

quarantine diaries 2020

my submission for the april @jilychallenge! 

check it out on AO3 or FF

Week One, Day Four

“Hey, Lil? Do you know where the backup Lysol wipes are?” James’ voice was muffled due to his head stuck under the washroom sink, searching for said container.

“Yes, you put them in the bathroom closet. Remember? You didn’t want to bang your head on the-” Lily’s voice trailed off as James did just as he had predicted in the previous days, the back of his head smacking on the chestnut door frame. Her soft chuckles filled the space and the sound made him smile, despite the dull throbbing in his skull.

“Riiiiiight.” James moved to the closet and grabbed the wipes, doing another washing of the counters and sink. Lily stood in the doorway with a small smirk on her face as she watched him with amusement settled on her features.

“James, neither of us have used the bathroom since you came in here and did a deep cleaning of the washroom two hours ago. I don’t think this is necessary,” she teased, stepping into the bathroom. Lily stopped after a few steps when James held a hand up to keep her from coming any closer.

“Lily, we must take this virus seriously. They said during the press conference that we must be cleaning every few hours to ensure that things stay clean!” James sounded exasperated as he tossed another wipe into the wastebasket and then stared down his girlfriend. 

“Who said to clean every few hours?” Lily asked, genuinely sounding concerned for this directive.

“The government, Evans! Do you even watch the news?” James pushed past her at this, his eyes rolling back. Lily had to stifle a giggle as she followed him out to the kitchen, knowing that this cleaning routine would continue until he became sick of the scent of bleach products.

Week One, Day Six

 “Hey Lily, do you think I’d look good as a blonde?” James called from the bathroom, turning his head slowly back and forth as he studied his bone structure.

“You’re not dying your hair to look like, Joe Exotic!” Lily yelled back from the kitchen.

“Damn it. Lily said I can’t do it, Sirius,” James muttered, shutting off the fluorescent light as he picked his phone back up. Lily grinned to herself as she heard Sirius swear over Facetime, his plans obviously foiled.

Week Two, Day Three

 “Lily!” James scolded, stepping in front of her from moving any further into their home. “You need to put your clothes in the wash immediately, what are you doing?” He sounded very concerned, pulling his own sweatshirt over his head.

“I’m going to take it off in the bathroom… Where I’m going to go shower… And will put on clean clothes…” She took a few moments to tell him this, not fully understanding his point.

“During the press conference yesterday we were told that we should change our clothes and put them in the wash immediately after coming in from outside. I swear, if it weren’t for me you’d probably be sick by now!” 

“James Potter, you are being ridiculous. We were out in the garden, not interacting with other people.” Lily rolled her eyes and then pulled the sweatshirt over her head, taking her top with it. She couldn’t help but get annoyed with the constant stressors of James and the press conferences, but she understood he was trying to keep them safe.

“Oh… Well, thank you.” James’ cheeks turned pink, despite having seen her naked hundreds of times. He chewed on the inside of his cheek as he cast his gaze down to his feet.

“You won’t catch coronavirus from looking at me, James.” 

“I know, I know. I’m sorry,” he murmured, stepping towards his partner. Lily glanced up at him, the corners of her lips tipping up a fraction.

“I’m just nervous. I don’t want either of us to get sick. It’s week two inside and I feel like I’m already losing my mind. I want to just go back to normal and have our friends over for a board game and movie night. Not that I’m not happy to be stuck inside with you…” His ears tinged pink as he realized he might be offending her. Lily, obviously not offended by the remarks, took a few steps forward and held his face in her palms.

“No touching faces,” James breathed out in a warning, though a smirk spread on his lips after he said it. Lily rolled her eyes and then tipped her own face up to meet his for a brief kiss. “Let’s go wash up.”

Week Three, Day Five

 James spent a few hours perusing social media, abandoning all hopes of working on the new advertising campaign that he was supposed to be developing and was due the following Monday.

“What should we have for lunch?” Lily asked, raising an eyebrow as she entered the spare room and noted James’ slouched position in his chair. She sat down at her own makeshift desk, opening her laptop as she opened Postmates to decide between restaurants.

“Hm?” He murmured, only half registering what she asked.

“I thought we could order in for lunch rather than try to put something together and be only half satisfied. Maybe falafel? Or barbecue?” Lily’s stomach grumbled as she glanced at the pictures from her favorites screen on the delivery app, only to be disappointed to find that the falafel shop was closed.

“What? We can’t order out. What if one of them has the virus? Then we contract it because we ate their food. No, no. I’ll just make us some mac and cheese again, don’t worry about it,” he quickly remarked, waving his hand as if the thought of ordering was absurd. 

“James, I’m not eating mac and cheese for lunch, again. No mac and cheese. No grilled cheese. No ham and cheese. I never thought this would happen but I am so sick of cheese. I just want something satisfying that we don’t have to cook. And the likelihood of us catching the virus because we ordered from a restaurant is so slim. I need you to… Just chill. Okay? I’m ordering us burgers for lunch.” As she clicked through to place their usual meal, she watched James as he huffed a bit, glancing down at his phone a few times. She could see that he had more to say on the matter but was keeping it to himself. “What?” “Well, if we’re ordering I’d prefer falafel.” 

“Too bad, they’re closed for two weeks,” Lily retorted, placing the order before he could say anything else.

“This virus has taken everything from me!”

Week Four, Day Two

 Finding some jolt of productivity, James finished two projects that he had been putting off for some time. At the end of the day, he realized he hadn’t taken the time to watch the daily press conference with coronavirus updates. For a moment, James sat back in his chair and started to freak out. How will he know what the statistics are for cases? How will he know the proper conduct for going out to the store should the need arise? His breathing quickened as he tried to think of all of the unknowns that had occurred.

Then, a follow-up thought occurred. It was the first day in weeks that he hadn’t had a gripe in his stomach as he watched the news, awaiting updates, hearing the death toll rise, wishing the world would go back to normal.

For the first day since quarantine started, James had been able to relax. He had taken the time to focus on his work rather than the impending doom happening outside of his door.

Lily popped into the room just then with a wide smile on her face and a mask in her hand. 

“Up for a walk?” She inquired, waggling her eyebrows as if she had suggested they engage in something much more sinister. Usually James turned down the opportunity for a walk. He was fearful of running into a stranger that would be a carrier without a mask. Instead, he felt motivated today. A walk would do them both some good, even if the mask was a bit difficult to breathe through.

“Let’s go,” he responded, taking the mask from her hand and pressing a kiss to her forehead. At least he had Lily to keep him happy.

Week Five, Day Six

 “I think if I have to stay in this house for another second I am going to go absolutely bonkers!” James exclaimed, slamming his fists on his desk. He was sick of waking up and walking into the other room to go to work, then ending his day and transitioning back to his bedroom. He needed space, freedom to do something.

“As opposed to your usual, calm and stable state of mine?” Lily teased, arching an eyebrow as she walked towards him, her arms outstretched. She placed her hands on his shoulders to try to calm him down. “Hey, it’s okay. Why don’t we go for a walk or something?” She looked outside at the impending storm clouds and chewed on her lower lip. “Or maybe we could go for a drive instead?” 

“No, no. I need to be out. Like, out as in out with friends sitting at a bar and just having a pint. Or wandering aimlessly around the shopping centre until I find a store that I want to go into. I just want normal,” James whined, pressing his chin to the top of Lily’s head, his hands holding her hips. “Why can’t life be normal?” 

“I know, James. It sucks, but life isn’t normal and the best thing we can do is stay home and keep ourselves and others safe.”

“Yeah, but it doesn’t mean I can’t absolutely hate it,’ he mumbled beneath his breath, tucking his face into her neck now. “I think if I didn’t have you I would’ve gone insane by week three.”

“James, you wouldn’t have lasted a week.”

Week Six, Day Six

 “Sirius, no. You absolutely are not coming to sit outside my door and talk with me through the glass.”

“Why not? It would be fun. I miss your face, James!” Sirius pleaded over the phone, his handsome face filling the screen. James was adamant that he would not be participating in any social distancing meet-ups. He had read the statistics and knew that neither he nor Sirius had the actual willpower to stay six feet apart from one another. The two were like magnets and would accidentally break the social distancing. It was a risk he was refusing to take.

“You can see my face right now, Sirius. Don’t be ridiculous about this. You can see me when a vaccine has been found,” James told him, a sad smile on his lips. James really did miss his best friend.

“That could be over a year from now, mate. You’re the one being ridiculous about this.” Sirius was stubborn, but James’ anxiety was more stubborn. Sirius knew he was arguing for a losing battle. He wouldn’t be able to change James’ mind. Lily had been checking in with Sirius as well and had been trying to convince James that this would be a good idea, but he had held firm with her too. Even while laying naked in bed, where she was sure she’d be able to change his mind. 

“I know, I know. It sucks. I just…. I can’t risk it. I can’t let either one of us get sick. So we’ll stay here in Godric’s Hollow until it’s safe to go out again. Stay safe.” James waved and then hung up the call, feeling a wave of emotions take hold, ones that he couldn’t specifically identify. He put his head into his hands, taking a few deep breaths as he tried to just figure out what was going on in his head. James felt like he wanted to cry. A hard cry, like one he hadn’t had in years. He felt his eyes fill with tears and he became instantly angry at himself. 

James knew he was privileged. He and Lily both had the opportunity to work from home. None of their friends or family was sick, and they all seemed to be staying inside as well. There was nobody close to them they really needed to worry about, and yet James felt like all he did was worry. He just wanted to give his best friend a hug. It felt so stupid, something they didn’t even do regularly, but he couldn’t help it.

A soft cough came from the doorway, the light creating a halo behind Lily’s head.

“James? Are you alright?” She asked softly, stepping into the room. Lily knew the answer, but asked anyway. Giving him the opportunity to verbalize his thoughts felt important, especially as he had a conflicted look on his face. 

“I’m just being stupid, ignore me.” Despite his flippant tone, James’ hands stretched out to hold hers tightly.

“It’s not stupid. You’re allowed to be sad. And angry. And whatever else you’re feeling. You’ve been such a rock through all of my mood swings. I think you were bound to have one,” Lily reassured him, letting her hand slip from his so that she could massage his scalp.

If he was her rock, she was his lighthouse. She brought light in when he felt dark and brightened his spirits until he felt like he could continue on. 

“I just… I know we’re so lucky to have the privileges we do, but I just wish I worried less about the people I love. There’s no reason to worry, I know that, but I still do.”

Lily sighed and pressed a soft kiss to his forehead, wiping under his eyes. “I think it’s absolutely normal to worry. We’re living in the middle of a global pandemic. It’ll be alright. And in the meantime, I’m here for you to share your worries with.” “Y’know, I worry about you most of all, Evans.” His lips quirked up into a small, cupping both of her cheeks.

“I worry about you more,” she teased, letting her lips hover over his for a moment.

“No way. I worry about you most.”

Week Seven, Day Four

 “Lily, NO!” He yelled, holding both of his hands up. “Stay back!” James reached across the counter to grab the Lysol disinfectant spray, holding it up as a weapon between them.

“Wh-what? James! You’re being ridiculous. Help me put the groceries away!” Lily was holding back her laughter, opening random cabinets to put away cans and cereal boxes. 

“We have to stay at least two meters apart at all times! Otherwise I could catch coronavirus if you have it. You could be asymptomatic!” Although his logic would be sound if she was a delivery driver, she was his wife and they had been living together for weeks now. She relayed this information to him again but he refused to listen. “All news organizations report that at least two meters between people, even loved ones, is important to avoid spreading germs!”

“James, you used my toothbrush last week until you could run out to the pharmacy for a replacement after yours fell in the toilet.” She rolled her eyes, pausing as she turned to him. Lily pretended like she was going to launch herself at him from around the island countertop, his eyes widening as he jumped back. “Lily!!” He screamed, the Lysol container flying into the air. He scrambled to catch it but the container fell to the floor with a clang, bouncing as it rolled over to her feet. 

“Hm, it seems I have the disinfectant now. How will you ever protect yourself?” She teased, tossing it back and forth between her hands before she set it on the counter. 

“Stop being ridiculous and put the groceries away.”

“Fine,” James muttered, but not without ensuring there was at least some distance between he and his wife at all times.

Week Eight, Day Four

 One more day and it would be Friday. That’s what he reminded himself as he climbed under the blankets on their large bed. James closed his eyes for a moment, only opening them as Lily joined him in their bed. It had been a long day of working at home, both of them fielding phone calls for their respective roles. He had been grateful when the day was done and they agreed to order in for dinner. 

Reaching over, James pulled Lily closer to his side of the bed. Her nose pressed against his bare chest as she lay silent for a few moments.

“It’s been a rough few weeks, hm?” She whispered, her left hand raising to rest on his cheek, thumb tracing his lower lip.

“Yeah. I know I don’t say it enough, but thank you. Thank you for putting up with me, and loving me, and just being you. I think I’d die without you, Evans,” he murmured softly. His lips pressed a soft kiss to the pad of her thumb before catching her hand in his own, holding it against his chest. 

“No one else I’d rather be stuck in quarantine with.”

[mohammad-mujahid]

Best cardio workouts for weight loss (How to loose upto 50 pounds in a month)

People all over the world are now fighting against overweight. It is too much dangerous that can lead to several disease. But there's nothing to worry about. It's pretty easy to loose weight at home with cardio workouts.

There's quiestions that might come up into your head that, Is it true that the most effective way to burn fat is through cardio? What cardio is best for losing weight? How to loose weight with cardio exercise at home? Today I’ll be covering all this questions and some extra benefits including weight loss  in this article.

What is cardio?

Cardio is physical exercise to raise your heart rate. Traditionally, cardio includes running, cycling, swimming, and other aerobic training. However, weight-bearing exercises are also great example of cardio. Some of you may find hard practicing cardio at gym or outdoor. So, here I got the best cardio workouts at home

The key rule of cardio training at home is a fast pace of exercise and a training duration of at least 30-40 minutes. Ideally, use the stationary bike as a warm-up, followed by a full circle workout.

Recall that circular training involves performing the exercises of the program one after the other, with a minimum of rest time. Despite the fact that the exercises themselves are quite light, the fastest possible rhythm turns the workout into full-fledged cardio.

Best cardio for weight loss at home:

There has plenty of cardio workout which helps to burn fat. Among them the the ones that i explained here are the simplest, yet efficient and easy to boost weight loss. All of this can be performed alone at home.

Burpee

Burpee is one of most effective cardio exercises all over the world to burn fat as it uses  the whole body. Studies have shown that burpees burn upto 50% more fat than any other cardio exercises. It boosts metaboilsm which helps to burn  more calorie throughout the day. To perform a perfect effective burpee start from a squat position with hands on the floor in front of you. Kick your feet back to a push up position. Immediately return your feet to the squat position. Leap up as high as possible from the squat position.

Swing

This cardiovascular exercise is another of the most common and effective. And it is perfect for working the gluteal and quadriceps muscles. Also increase your heart rate to the maximum. It consists of taking a weight with one or two hands at the height of our shoulders and passing it under the legs (which should be slightly apart). The movements must be constant and keeping the back as straight as possible at all times. It is a difficult movement to perform at first, since it is not a common movement that our body is used to, but it is undoubtedly one of the most effective.

Shadow boxing

Get into a guard position and begin to simulate a fight with hitting and dodging as if you were in a real fight. Do it rhythmically and without hitting the air too hard to avoid injury. It 's a perfect cardio workout at home for weight loss. It works your legs and arms, and you should include it in any bodyweight workout to get some extra benefits. Shadow boxing is a sneaky killer cardio workout. While burning upward of 400 calories per hour, shadow boxing also helps you develop foot speed, hand coordination, and technique. And best of all, it can be done anywhere, anytime for a quick and heart-pumping fight session.

Did you ever heard about the liquid weight loss tonic? Here’s the great Okinawa flat belly tonic which is worth a try

Box jumps or jump box

stand in front of the box, gain momentum and jump on top of the box. You can help your arms to jump higher and not lose your balance. This is another effective exercise. Because  the simplest exercise is usually the most effective. Jump box increases your heart rate, challenges you to do it more and more complicated, higher and more times. This is why jump box is the best at home cardio. Moreover, you can do this exercise with the Tábata method, so it will be more fat burner. 2-3 sets of 15-25 jumps can bring the best output for far fat burn.

Jump rope 

Go back to childhood! One of the best cardiovascular exercises to lose weight is to jump rope! Not only does it burn tons of calories, but it helps increase bone density, strengthens the legs, and strengthens the heart. If you incorporate a few minutes of rope jumping into your exercise routine, you will be able to reach your weight loss goal without even realizing it. Not in vain is it used so much in boxing training, it is the best way to keep those extra kilos at bay without having to change category. Done correctly, the impact on the joints is less than running. Jump rope burns almost 400-700 calories per hour.

Jumping with clap hands

You can start your home cardio workout with clap jumps. Starting position will be standing upright, feet shoulder-width apart, arms along the body, stomach pulled in. While inhaling, in a jump, spread your legs to the sides, at the same time making a clap with your hands over your head. As you exhale, return to the starting position. 12-15 repetitions in a fast rhythm.

Squats with support on the wall

After completing the previous cardio exercise, without resting and keeping your heart rate high, do a static exercise to strengthen your leg muscles. Hold the squat position against the wall, keeping your abs and glutes tight. 30-45 seconds motionless

Squats with body weight

Continue without rest to squats with arms extended forward. Starting position should be standing upright, feet shoulder-width apart, hands on the belt. As you exhale, lower yourself down, as if sitting on a chair (to observe the correct technique, you can use a chair or fitball) - your arms are extended forward. Go back up, repeat 12-15 repetitions in a fast rhythm.

Squats with extra weight

Hold an extra weight at shoulder height and, with your eyes and chest forward, do the squat slowly. It burns lower abdomen fat better.  If squats are already a great exercise to crush calories, imagine if you also added extra weight with a dumbbell or anything. The effect is greater and also your legs and buttocks will be toned in a little while. 

Push-ups from the floor

The starting position is a plank on outstretched arms. As you inhale, slowly lower yourself down - hands at waist level, elbows at an angle of 45 degrees to the body. The press is tense, the spine is straight. As you exhale, push your arms up sharply (this will increase cardio efficiency), then linger at the top point. Repeat 12-15 times.

Push-ups with body rotation

Advanced exercise, suitable for people with a good level of physical fitness. When performed at the end of the workout, it allows you to achieve maximum cardio effect. First, do a regular push-up from the floor, then push off and raise your hand up, keeping your body stretched out in a line.

Reverse push-ups

Upper Body Strengthening Exercise - Triceps, deltoids, upper back, and upper chest are the main stressors. When doing cardio, focus on pushing your body forcefully upward, trying to fully extend your arms. 12-15 reps at a fast pace.

Static crunches on the press

Starting position - lying on your back, legs bent at the knees and standing on the floor, arms extended up. As you exhale, by activating the abdominal muscles, begin to stretch forward, lifting your upper back off the floor. Hold in the top position, keeping your abs tense. 2-3 sets of 30-45 seconds

Running in place with high leg raise

This is one of the most powerful cardio exercises in a home workout program. Make alternating lifts of the legs bent at the knees as high as possible - for balance, helping with your arms. Keep your abs tense, and watch your inhalation and exhalation cycles, trying to breathe faster.

Horizontal running

Accept the plank position and pull the knees to the chest, quickly changing from one leg to the other. The body forms a straight line, the back does not bend or arch. If it gets harder for you try pulling the knee to the chest in the bar. It’s good for thigh fat burn. Try 1-2 sets of 15-20 steps tor better result.

Lunges

Starting position is standing upright, feet shoulder-width apart, hands on the belt. As you inhale, take a step forward while bending your knee. Make sure that the cabinet remains upright. As you exhale, come back, then repeat for the other leg.

Side plank on the elbow

This exercise helps to strengthen the transverse muscles of the core, as well as the muscles of the buttocks and thighs. When doing it, make sure that the elbow is located exactly under the shoulder joint - this will help to avoid injury. Don't drop your hips down or lift them up too high. 2-3 sets of 30-45 seconds.

Effect of cardio on weight loss:

The mechanism by which regular cardio training leads to weight loss is not at all burning fat or calories, but rather building the body's ability to build available energy stores for exercise. This energy is taken from carbohydrates and stored in glycogen.

In order for the body to use fat for fuel, it is necessary to first empty the carbohydrate stores stored in the muscles in the form of glycogen. Therefore, cardio for weight loss should be long (at least 30-40 minutes), or should be done immediately after strength training.

The most effective cardio for burning fat is a long session with a moderate intensity. In this case, the burning of fat and the consequent loss of weight are part of the recovery period after exercise, which is achieved exclusively in the case of a general lack of calories in the diet. That is why proper nutrition and diet always take first place in the fight for an athletic body.

Benefits of cardio exercise:

Keeps the heart in shape

Your heart is a muscle like any other; so to keep it healthy and strong you have to work on it! By increasing the heart rate in a constant and controlled way, the heart is strengthened and the risk of heart disease decreases. To improve overall cardiovascular health, the American Heart Association recommends a minimum of 150 minutes a week of moderate aerobic exercise, or 75 minutes of vigorous exercise.

Improves mood

Cardiovascular exercise causes the brain to release endorphins, the chemicals responsible for balancing your mood and keeping depressive thoughts at bay. For many people, cardio training is the first step in fighting depression and fighting stress. Even a brisk walk can perceptibly improve your mood.

Strengthens the immune system

Unless you run when the pollution is very high - a risk more than usual if you train in large cities, before exercising outdoors, check the pollution levels. There is no danger that cardio training will damage the immune system. On the contrary, cardiovascular exercise in most environments strengthens your immune system, helping you lower the risk of bacterial infection and prevent disease. But if you go with the indoor cardio exercise then nothing is more better then cardio exercise to strengthen the immune system.

Improves blood circulation

By increasing blood circulation, you help your body better eliminate toxins and reduce the risk of stroke or heart attack. It also contributes to reducing the cases of chronic venous insufficiency, the inability of the veins to carry out the adequate return of blood to the heart, which causes it to accumulate in the legs, giving rise to different ailments. In addition, cardio levels the level of insulin in the blood (responsible for the onset of diabetes) and the production of proteins that fight against bad cholesterol that accumulates in the arteries.

When doing cardio at home, the rhythm of the exercise plays a role. The faster, the more calories are burned. In addition, the level of physical fitness affects - in particular, the ability to consciously involve muscles in work. On average, doing the above cardio workout program burns between 400 and 900 kcal per hour. If you complete the exercise program quickly enough, repeat it again. In order to train in a more active mode (and therefore increase your heart rate), before starting your workout, make yourself a strong cup of coffee. Due to its stimulating effect, caffeine increases the effectiveness of cardio, helping to burn more calories.

The conclusion

Cardio has become one of the most effective way to loose weight. Many weight loss trainer are now suggesting cardio over any other exercises or weight loss program because of it's easiness and efficiency. I hope all these information is useful to you and also that you have learned something new! But remember the most important thing, you won't loose a single pound of weight untill you get into it your weight loss program. So, whatever is your plan to loose weight, cardio exercise or any other practices, you start doing now from today. The more time you take to start the long it will take you to loose weight. And the last thing, you can comment which program you are going to follow or you can ask any quiestion you have in your mind.

[twilight-resonance]

The Low, Interwoven

Ah, let’s see. I’m quite certain I had some particular things I wanted to write about earlier, but I can’t for the life of me remember what they were. Mostly I remember having a laundry list of mundane everydays to ramble through, so I’ll go ahead and start there and see if I remember the rest along the way.

The last few days. I didn’t write yesterday because I felt like crap. For the most part I've been handling COVID isolation well, but it’s become apparent that I need to throw a tantrum every few months about how much everything sucks and how much I’d rather be doing a million things anywhere else right now, and once all that pent-up frustration is spent I’m good again for a few months. Probably not unrelated, my focus has been absolute garbage this week. Something I’ve been working to recognize more often is that when my focus is garbage there’s a good chance I’m actually just angry, but so far I’ve had a lot of trouble actually remembering that might be what’s going on in the moment. So instead I just felt frustrated and guilty at not being able to focus or work on anything, and that compounded of course. Topped off by watching the last couple episodes of Babylon 5 with Hearthsnail last night, and those last couple episodes being very sad. So that didn’t help either of us. I was too angry to go to bed, so he ended up napping on my back while I did some coloring for a while until I’d blown myself out. Then sleep.

Sigh. Fun things. Then my dreams were full of all kinds of unnecessarily just shitty things. Like going to get a pair of contact lenses, actually grabbing and opening two buds for each eye (I wear dailies), and then realizing that not only had I wasted one pair, I’d wasted both because I didn’t actually need contact lenses. It was just unnecessarily shitty, and I think the whole night was like that. That, and there have been some recurring themes in my dreams every night this week that I don’t appreciate either. Maybe I’ll get there, maybe I won’t - we’ll move on.

Today was on the up again. I decided early in the morning during a period of half-awake that I was not going to try to make myself work today, and just let what would be, would be. See if that got me out of the rut, since pushing certainly didn’t. The rest of the day was fairly nice, sans a low point in the evening. We took a short walk between Hearthsnail’s office hours and my writing group; it was a very nice day out. Sunny, and warm, and not quite springlike but there were more smells than you typically get in winter. I ended up talking most of the time, which is somewhat of a reversal - usually Hearthsnail’s the rambly one - and that was nice too. Got home, showered real quick, and made it to the table just in time for the writing group.

Writing went well again. I did another one of those concept writing pieces for a story I’d been considering writing; it was a follow-up scene to the one I’d written Wednesday, and did a lot to flesh out parts of the magic system and world details but especially character details. It’s been ages since I’ve written real dialogue, and it was intimidating at first, but it turned out well. Surprise surprise, every character there is a shitter to a one. Then again, with a group of mercenaries/bounty hunters, what do you expect? Anyway - I didn’t finish the scene, which gives me something to go back to next time. I did eventually peter out, so that’s all right. It’s been... nice. The writing still doesn’t quite feel like it used to and doesn’t feel like it’s all the way back yet, but in a purely functional way there’s actual writing going on, so that’s immense progress all on its own. 

Went from writing to starting dinner, because I was making twice-baked potatoes and the potatoes have to bake in the oven for an hour before you can do the rest of it. In the midst of doing that, Hearthsnail hopped on a chat with his sister and brother-in-law and we ended up playing Betrayal on Tabletop Simulator (which we’ve been using a lot the last week or so). They had a version that had been reskinned as a D&D adventure, so we tried that and that was a lot of fun. That and I just like the Betrayal games, so that’s always fun. Had my low point in there somewhere, but recovered well enough. Something about various stressors simmering up at roughly the same time in a quiet moment and needing to be soothed back down.

Had work to do after that - all the bimonthly copy-past-format work that I’ve been doing for Hearthsnail’s union. Turns out that last time I did it, none of the links worked - learning that was one of those stressors I mentioned - so I spent some time trying to figure out what went wrong. So far, best guess is it has something to do with the way that everything copied and pasted rather than my links not working, but we’ll see. Finished the format work (with a small gap in the middle because my focus is still a bit garbage even if it’s recovering), then went on to writing an email.

Email was about some fire-ecology-oriented volunteer work being asked for at one of the local state parks. The vast majority of the things they listed were things I could do, and I sort of just... decided, fuck it. Why not. Sending the email was simple enough, and now I'm just waiting to hear back. Between the union work and that, I felt a bit better about things afterwards. It’s been hard not having “real” work this whole year and feeling like I'm not contributing enough to the household. I feel guilty about Hearthsnail working so hard while I just... sit around and do nothing? Play some Animal Crossing, maybe, and wash a dish or two every once in a while? I know it’s more than that, and that I do more than that, it just doesn’t feel like it most of the time. It doesn’t feel like most of what I do is worthwhile, and I worry sometimes that I’m becoming too used to not needing to do anything. That’s its own thing, though, and has as much to do with self-worth issues as it does with anything else.

Anyway, nudging at those things felt good. And I suppose there’s the potential on the latter that it might hook me into a paid job somewhere down the line, if I stick around. Oh - there’s also a city council position that needs filling, and I briefly amused myself with the possibility of applying to run for that. Opted not to largely due to the aforementioned self-worth issues - still have a lot of work to do on that front - but also because I’d like to have been listening in to more city council meetings here than I have been. Mostly the meetings I tune into are for the city up north, because those have to do with Hearthsnail’s job. Maybe another time.

That’s mostly been today. I nudged a bit at working on prep for tomorrow’s town hall, mostly because it needed doing and I haven’t yet. Got some things sorted, anyway, even if there’s more to do. Hearthsnail went to bed, though, and this is more important. So now I’m here.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Now to see if I can make headway on any other processing. 

...

...That I immediately got up to collect the coloring book and continue coloring again tells me that it’s not ready to happen this night. 

Besides, it’s 3AM, and I ought to head bedwise sooner rather than later. Maybe make it up in time to finish town hall prep before it’s time to run. Goodnight, world. Watch again another night.

[yoonminnow]

And They Were Roommates | 04

→ pairing | Jungkook x reader

→ word count | 7.5k

→ genre | roommate au, coming of age, smut, angst

→ summary | Your falling out with Jungkook weighs heavily on you as weeks pass without even a word between the two of you. Unfortunately, that’s not the only thing you have to worry about when you get some unexpected news on your birthday.

→ warnings | Explicit sexual content, smut, language, light drug use, infidelity??

Previous Chapters: 01, 02, 03, 3.5

Your half-empty coffee cup sits balancing atop your knee, supported by one of your hands. You had placed it there with the intention of stilling your bouncing leg, a nervous habit you have picked up recently. But it only seems to surface when Jungkook happens to be in the same room as you. Unfortunately though, even with the hot liquid sitting precariously on your thigh, you still felt the urge to squirm and fidget in your seat.

It had been just over two weeks since you and Jungkook had your confrontation, if you could even call it that. You still can picture the flat stare that Jungkook had fixed you with in the hallway, the image of it contrasting harshly against how you had always pictured Jungkook up to this point.

For days, you tried to imagine what it could have been that marred his features in such a way. Was he annoyed? Or maybe it was anger. You wanted to talk to him the following day, but he was out of the house from morning until night. The next day was the same, so began the theme for the days to come.

Tuesdays were normally the days that you and Jungkook spent marathoning episodes of whatever show you had been hooked on recently, but before you were even able to see him that day he was out the door. Later that night, he had turned up with Sooyun while you were sat on the couch. You greeted her while Jungkook remained silent, and soon after, he brought her to his room where they stayed for the night.

The days continued like this, Jungkook leaving the house early in the morning as you were waking up, and arriving back home after you had fallen asleep. On days where he was home, he was usually with Sooyun, or if not he was in his room with the door shut tightly.

A dense weight has settled in your stomach, the guilt of knowing you were the cause of this eating at you each time Jungkook avoided your gaze. When it had begun, all you wanted to do was talk to him about it, but it feels now that the window of opportunity has closed. Over two weeks have gone by without a single word exchanged between either of you, and it doesn’t seem like Jungkook has any intention of breaking soon.

The tension is palpable now as you sit at the breakfast bar with your coffee bouncing lightly on your leg while Jungkook sits across the room on his phone, slowly finishing off his breakfast. You nearly gave yourself third-degree burns earlier when you jumped in surprise as Jungkook walked into the kitchen right when you were pouring scalding coffee into your mug.

Now the two of you sit in silence as the minutes drag by. You debate escaping to your room, but this is the closest you two had been in a long time, and you didn’t want to spoil the atmosphere completely by scattering away to hide.

You’re tapping absently around your phone in frustration when a sleepy Jimin wanders into the kitchen in search of his mug.

“By the coffee machine,” you offer.

Your voice prompts Jimin to look up from his fruitless search for a moment. His puffy eyes fall on you first, as if he hadn’t realized you were there, then they travel over to Jungkook’s hunched figure across the room and back again.

“What?” he finally asks, voice soft and husky from sleep.

You laugh as you hop down from your seat to pour him a cup of coffee. The process of gathering the milk and sugar is made infinitely more difficult when Jimin chooses to cling to your side, chin resting on your shoulder as you mix his drink together. You’re only able to escape when you twist in his grip to push the mug towards his chest, his eyes finally opening wide at the sight of the hot drink.

“Thanks, noona,” he says before lifting the mug up to his nose.

“I feel like I’ve aged since living here,” you laugh, taking the mug back from Jimin so he can let the sleeves of his sweater fall over his hands. You place the mug back into his covered palms before reaching for your own cup.

“Speaking of, isn’t your birthday coming up?” Jimin says, innocently blowing steam off the surface of the brown liquid.

“Wha- how did you?” you stumble.

Jimin answers with the quick jerk of his head towards the boy who is sat quietly across the room, still thumbing through his phone. Your forehead wrinkles as you stare at the boy in confusion. Why had he chosen to tell Jimin that? You barely even remember divulging that information in the first place, and you had only told him off-handedly because he needed it to find out What Naruto Character You Are on a Buzzfeed quiz.

“We wanted to throw a party here for you,” Jimin says, bringing your focus away from the brooding boy.

“Oh, I don’t know Jimin.”

“C’mon, Y/N! It’ll be fun, I swear.” Jimin says as he tips his chin down to hit you with a puppy dog face.

Your lips tighten as you release a breath. “Nothing crazy, okay?” you submit. “Something lowkey.”

“You want an Avenger’s themed party?” Jimin asks, raising an eyebrow.

“No, ‘low-key’ not ‘Loki’, you dork.” you laugh as you turn to go sit back at your stool.

“Oh, yeah yeah. I’ll handle it.” Jimin laughs, bringing the mug back to his face.

You roll your eyes at the boy as you plop into your chair. You try to subtly shift your gaze back over to the space across the room, but you can’t hide the slump of your shoulders when you find that the seat Jungkook had been sat in is now empty. You gulp down the last of your bitter coffee in the hopes that it will burn off whatever the unsettling feeling was that has found its way into your stomach.

..

Another week passes without a word from Jungkook, and, as if the pressure of your falling out with him hadn’t been enough of a stressor, you had also been spending the past few weeks of your time knee-deep in journalist job posting websites and interviews, all of which had lead nowhere.

Your time spent at home was now filled with job-hunting, and your time at work as a bartender was filled with bitterness. You were supposed to be doing more at this point in your life, isn’t that right? You had followed the plan. You went to school, to college even. You worked hard and earned good grades. You paid the absurd tuition fees and accepted the debt. So, why is it that you are currently driving home from your third interview this week with rejection weighing heavily on your mind? So far, you had tried for two blog writing positions, three online newspapers, and most recently as an editor for a trashy magazine company. But they all turned you away with the same vague excuse. Not enough experience.

If you had known that the value of a college degree was worth the cost of the paper they print it on then you would’ve skipped the schooling and saved yourself the trouble, but that isn’t your reality.

Your reality is that you have bills and loan payments fast approaching with no job prospects in sight, and you had just been turned down by a company that you would have never considered even applying for just a few months ago.

Your hands are gripping the steering wheel just a bit tighter than usual as you pull into the driveway of your house, your knuckles whitening as you twist your fists around the rubber.

Jaehyun’s car isn’t in the driveway. Is he in class today? You can’t seem to recall. He has been out a lot recently, but with so much on your plate, you hadn’t yet found the time to question it. What you do notice though is that Jungkook’s car is in the driveway.

Great. As if your mood hadn’t been sour enough, you now had to worry about walking on eggshells around the boy who, just a few weeks ago, you would have considered one of your closest friends. The worst part is that it is all your fault. Your finances, your inability to get hired, your falling out with Jungkook. You are at the root of it all, and you don’t know how to right any of your wrongs.

Your head drops to your hands as you sit still buckled in your car. The tension in your neck serving as a reminder for how wound your body has been lately. You rub at your eyes trying to will away the thoughts that are cycling through your head, but it only seems to blur them all together into one overpowering shout. You’re failing.

You feel the shake in your chest before it spreads up to your throat, tightening the muscles in your neck and making your breaths noisy and strained. Your hands shake as they press firmly against your temples, which have grown hot under the heels of your palms. You feel your eyes burning with the threat of tears, but they don’t ever fall. Rather, your chest heaves sporadically as you attempt to bring more air into your lungs, but the constriction of your throat leaves you practically gasping for air in short jerky breaths.

You’re failing. You’re failing. It’s repeating in your mind like a mantra, drowning out everything else. Your vision tunnels until all you can see is the center of your steering wheel, and your ears are filled with the white noise of your blood pulsing. Just when you think you’re about to keel over from the overstimulation, a loud sound jolts you upright.

You blink hard, trying to focus your attention, but the task is more difficult than you expect. The sound increases in volume, becoming sharp and rhythmic. At first, you believe it might be in your head, but you soon realize it’s coming from the left of you. With your mind still clouded, you turn and force your eyes to focus on the figure standing outside of your window.

“Jungkook?” your voice whistles through your constrained throat.

“Unlock your door.” The boy over exaggerates the mouthing of the words, which is a good call considering you can hardly hear him over the rush of blood in your ears.

With an unsteady hand, you reach over and flip the tab on the door to unlock it. You move your fingers to the handle so you can push it open, but before you can touch it the door is swinging open in front of you. You glance upwards to seek out Jungkook’s face, but he is quickly dropping into a squatted position so he is eye-level with you.

“What’s wrong? Are you okay? Are you hurt?” he rattles off, eyes first searching your own before scanning your face and body for signs of injury.

“N-no, I’m just-” you stutter out, voice warbling as you attempt to piece your thoughts together. How could you even begin to explain what was going through your mind? You yourself aren’t even sure what had happened. You just--panicked.

His eyes remain wide as he waits for you to speak, one hand gripping the frame of the door and the other hanging over your hand that sits motionless in your lap as if he had gone to reach for it but stopped before he carried through.

You feel your bottom lip quiver before you sense the warm trail of the tear making its way down your cheek. You only become aware of it when Jungkook’s eyes trace its path, and you reach up to gather the drop on your fingertip.

“I’m sorry,” your voice shakes out. “I just had a bad day.” The threat of more tears build on the edges of your eyes, and, despite your efforts to rein them back, a few more spill onto your cheeks.  

You look down in shame as tears begin to fall freely, your shoulders rising and falling with the deep breaths you are sucking in to calm yourself down. Jungkook may just be the last person you want to see you like this right now. Your display of weakness would surely only serve to further the gap that had been growing between the two of you. You shake your head in disbelief as it hangs between your shoulders, but you are stilled when a pair of hands come up to press against the sides of your face. Jungkook’s warm palms cup gently around your jaw, the tips of his fingers finding their way into the hair at the base of your neck. He lifts your head up to face him, his thumbs swiping across the bottoms of your cheeks to rid them of wetness.

Your breath stills when you notice how close Jungkook has placed his face to yours, just inches separating the ends of your noses. You can’t help the way your sights travel across his features, soaking them in as if you haven’t seen him in months. It’s only when he speaks do your eyes snap back up to his.

“Y/N, what happened?”

You sigh, letting the weight of your head rest in his palms. “It’s just job stuff,” is what you settle on. “Don’t worry. Really, I’m okay.”

Jungkook sits for a moment longer, his hands sliding beneath your jaw so you could feel the rhythmic pulse of your heartbeat against his fingers.

“Do you want to go inside?”  he asks with the tilt of his head, to which you nod and let a weak smile settle on your lips.

You can feel Jungkook watching you carefully from his peripherals as you pretend to watch whatever Netflix drama you had thrown up on the TV. You had stumbled like a newborn deer when you first got out of the car, legs weak from exhaustion, and since then he hasn’t been more than a handful of feet away from you, even after you changed and claimed your place on the couch.

“Jungkook, I’m fine,” you assure him for the fifth time.

“I’m sure you are,” he shrugs, grabbing a handful of popcorn from the bowl you held in your lap and shoving it in his mouth.

“Well, if you’re so sure then stop watching me.”

“I’m not watching you,” he scoffs. “I’m just making sure you don’t pull another Bambi.”

“I told you, I was just tired,” you whine.

“Sure, because it’s normal to have a breakdown in your car when you’re just tired.”

“Jungkook…” you sigh out.

“Look,” he speaks softly, turning towards you on the couch. “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. I’m just- worried about you okay?”

When you turn to face Jungkook you notice the crinkle between his brow as he looks at you, the downturn of his lips. The worry is written clearly across his face, and you really don’t care for the way it taints his soft features. It’s even worse knowing you’re the cause of it, so, with a long exhale, you decide the least you can do for the trouble you’ve caused is to let him in. “I’ve just been having a hard time getting myself together,” you admit. “I got turned down from a job today, and not even a good one.”

Jungkook’s face softens as you confess. “Y/N, that’s okay. There will be others.”

“It’s not the first one I got rejected from,” you admit. “ I don’t know, it’s just- I should just be doing more, you know? I should be further along than I am now.”

“Who told you that?” Jungkook jumps in.

You open your mouth to answer, but the words get caught when you realize you don’t really have anything to say. Of course, you weren’t where you were supposed to be. Wasn’t that clear? After college was when you were supposed to get it together. You were supposed to find your career. You were supposed to build a savings account. You were supposed to start your life. But who had told you that? You can’t seem to remember. Your attention is brought away from your noisy thoughts when Jungkook speaks again.

“There’s no point in punishing yourself for this. There’s nothing wrong with where you are now,” he says as he gestures broadly around the room. “Besides, if you didn’t end up here after graduating then we would’ve never met again,” he smiles at you, and you have no choice but to mirror it. “And eventually you will find something great, but it doesn’t have to be right this second.”

You know that he’s right. Stressing about finding a job wasn’t going to make it come any faster, and beating yourself up over failed attempts does nothing but make you obsess further.

Jungkook’s words are the same ones that you hear from time to time echoing somewhere in the back of your head, but more often than not they are overpowered by louder messages. Ones that tear you down further rather than build you up. Sometimes though, all it takes is a voice from the outside to flush out the noise that blocks your rational brain. The weight of your mind surely isn’t lifted entirely, and you know these concerns will cycle back again, but at this moment you are thankful it is Jungkook’s voice that is helping you find your way back.

You let your smile linger for a few moments longer, watching the warmth spread across Jungkook’s face. “How does a kid like you get so wise?”

“Kid?” Jungkook’s face drops at your comment. “I’m at least five years older than you in mental age.”

A puff of air escapes from your lips as you attempt to hold back a laugh, but it causes Jungkook’s face to wrinkle up in a mock pout. “What?” he asks.

“I’m sorry,” you laugh, “I just don’t think you’re allowed to say that while I still have pictures of you in that Pikachu onesie on my phone.”

“You said you’d delete those!” Jungkook makes a lunge across your body for your phone but misses when you scoop it up and hold it out of his arms reach. He huffs, pulling back his arm to cross it over his chest. “Besides, does a love for Pokemon exclude you from being an adult?”

“No, but pajamas with tails might knock off a few points.” you joke.

“If that’s the case, then I’ll just stay a kid.” Jungkook shrugs.

“Good, I’ll be right there with you.” you smile as you toss a piece of popcorn into your mouth.

Jungkook scoffs and shakes his head, a comfortable silence settling over the room as the sound of the forgotten TV hums in the background. A sense of relief you hadn’t realized you’d been craving works its way through your body, and you know it has nearly everything to do with the boy sat just a couple feet away from you. You features relax as an easy smile arises from your lips as you glance over to Jungkook, but you are surprised to see that his features don’t mimic your own. A deep line is set in between his brows while his bottom lip is pulled in between his teeth as he worries it back and forth.

“Jungkook?” you softly call his attention.

The boy turns to you, releasing his lip from his teeth. His eyebrows raise in question, but you can see that his eyes are still a bit distant from wherever his mind had been before.

“Are you okay?” you carefully question.

“Mm?” he hums, confused.

“I’m just wondering, It’s just, you seem a little- off.” you hesitate. Though things between you have lightened considerably, there’s still a part of you that fears your words could shatter the moment, so you choose them carefully.

You fear that maybe you have crossed an unspoken line when Jungkook’s gaze focuses away from your face. His eyes scan as if he’s searching his mind for something. The boy sits quietly for a time that borders on unsettling, and you are about to retract your statement when he finally speaks again.

“I’m sorry,” he says, eyes coming back to yours. “But, it’s nothing. Really.”

Your chest deflates. It’s clear something was on his mind, and though you respect that he doesn’t want to talk about it, it does sting that he’s chosen not to let you in. Even so, you accept that maybe it’s none of your business what has him so distracted.

“You don’t have to apologize, Jungkook,” you assure him. “But you know you can always talk to me, right? About anything.”

Jungkook shifts in his seat, eyes again losing focus.“Yeah.” he nods absently. “I know.”

**

Birthdays had never held much significance to you, yours in particular. In fact, once you moved out of your parents’ house you very rarely even mentioned your birthday so as to avoid any of the fuss that generally surrounded it. Last year, you had spent the day curled up in your apartment with Taehyung by your side watching reruns of Friends, arguing over who was more of a Monica between the two of you.

You had never felt the need to psychoanalyze why exactly you felt this way, but as the hours tick by closing in on the time that guests will be arriving for the party Jimin had planned for you, you begin to think that maybe some therapy couldn’t hurt. Your heart rate picks up again as you rummage through your closet trying to fashion together a presentable outfit. Maybe it was all the attention birthdays garner. You had never been one to enjoy eyes on you. Or perhaps it was the reminder that another year had passed and you were essentially in the same place as you were last year.

The reasoning of why your nerves are so unsteady isn’t really as important now as how exactly you should steady them, especially since you’ve now managed to screw up your eyeliner for the third time tonight since you can’t hold your hand still.

A mix of a groan and a whine leave your throat as you reach for a wipe to clean off your eye again, the sensitive skin becoming red and raw from your less than gentle handedness. You are just about to give up on makeup entirely when you hear a soft knock at your door. A quick glance at your phone shows you still have about two hours before any of your invites should be coming, which takes some of the edge off.

“Come in,” you call out, opting to fuss with your hair rather than your face for the time being.

Jungkook peers hesitantly through the door before entering, a funny habit of his you’ve picked up on since living with him. He’s always very conscious of others, even if it seems that he’s in his own world most of the time he is actually quite sensitive to other people's’ behaviors and moods.

You smile over at him to reassure he is welcome in before he saunters over to you.

“What’s up, Jungkook.” you look up at him from where you sit at your desk, makeup strewn across the counter.

“Well,” he begins, rocking back onto his heels. “I just wanted to catch you before you got too busy at the party tonight.”

“Hm, why?” you eye him suspiciously. Your gaze travels over the length of his body to study his nervous movements, and that’s when you notice his hands hidden behind his back.

“Jungkook, no!” you say with a stern voice. “I said no gifts!”

Jungkook’s smile creeps onto his face despite your scolding.“It’s just a little one, I swear. Don’t be mad.”

From behind his back, he produces a small rectangular package wrapped in plain brown paper. He holds the modestly wrapped package out to you, but when you refuse to accept it he instead places it in your lap with a laugh.

Your head falls to analyze the package, your hands passing over the rough paper before you curl the tips of your fingers under one of the folds. The paper tears away with little effort to uncover soft dark leather. You peel away the rest of the paper to reveal a beautiful leather bound journal. You look up to Jungkook in surprise once you’ve opened the gift to find that he’s already watching your face, lip pulled under his teeth to be gnawed upon.

“Jungkook, this is-” you pause, flipping the book over in your hand. The leather is pliable and soft under your touch and embossed with the image of a world map. A long thin leather strap circles the journal in order to secure it shut. If you had gone searching for a journal yourself you couldn’t have chosen a more perfect one than this. “This is really beautiful,” you finish, running your fingers along the embossment.

“Really?” the boy exhales. “I just saw it the other day and thought maybe you’d like to use it for your writing.”

“Jungkook,” you say, still struggling to string words together. “This is so nice.”

You place the journal on your desk so you can stand. Without a second thought, you encircle your arms around Jungkook’s shoulders, pulling him into a hug that you hope speaks where words seem to be failing you. You come up on your toes so you can prop your chin on his shoulder, but the lack of balance means that you have to lean onto him, your torsos connecting at nearly every point.

Though things have gotten much better between you and Jungkook in the past week, it had still been over a month since you had shared any sort of physical contact with him, the last time being when he had you sandwiched between his body and a brick wall. Though the intent here was worlds away from that night, it doesn’t stop your mind from jumping back to the memory.

You’re not sure if Jungkook has noticed too, but judging by the way his body goes rigid against yours you can guess that you are on the same wavelength. You begin to pull away, feeling a bit remorseful for initiating the hug in the first place, but Jungkook’s arms suddenly lift from there place at his side to encircle your waist, pulling you snuggly into his body. His cheek presses warmly against your own as he straightens out his back so your toes are barely touching the floor. The awkwardness fades away as you simply let yourself bask in the comfort of his embrace.

“Happy Birthday,” he says into your hair, the movement of his words tickling your neck.

You’re so tempted at this point to pull back your head so you can be face to face with the boy, but rather, you opt for nuzzling your face into the crook of his neck. You pull away only when Jungkook sets you back down fully on the floor, his grip loosening from your waist. You step back from the hug on weak legs, doing your best to stand straight.

“So,” Jungkook is the first to break the short silence with the clearing of his throat. “Are you ready for tonight?”

Oh, right.

“Yeah, can’t you tell?” you laugh, motioning down the length of your body at your sweatpants.

“Shut up, you look nice.” Jungkook snorts, his eyes remaining on your face.

You let out a breath as you flop back down into your seat, mentally readying yourself to reincite your battle with your makeup tools. “If I’m being honest, I just can’t wait until this is over.”

Jungkook hums as he lets his view pass over your slouched body. “Okay, here’s the deal.” he begins. You cock your brow, urging him to continue. “You have to really try to enjoy yourself tonight-”

“Jungkook, I-”

“Ah ah ah,” Jungkook interrupts. “But, if you start to feel overwhelmed then come and find me.”

The wrinkle or skepticism in your forehead softens at the offer. The gesture is sweet, and truthfully it sounds like a fair deal. But there is one factor that causes you to stall.

“Won’t you be busy?” you question.

“Not with anything important,” he clicks his tongue.

“Isn’t Sooyun coming?” you almost wince as the question leaves your mouth. Not because you minded Sooyun coming over. In fact, the few times you had a chance to talk to her she seemed really great. It was more the act of exposing one of the many elephants in the room that made you hesitate.

Jungkook blinks, clearly caught off guard by your sudden bluntness as well. You quickly realize that this is the first time you have mentioned something about Sooyun since he started to have her over.

“That’s not- Don’t worry about that.” he trips over his words. “I didn’t invite her.”

“Okay, sorry.” you shake your head before looking up to Jungkook to shoot a reassuring smile.

“So is it a deal?” Jungkook ticks his head upwards before holding his hand out to you.

You roll your eyes before placing your hand in his. “Deal.”

You begin to loosen your grip, but Jungkook’s tightens in contrast, pulling you up onto your legs from where you had been sat.

“Wanna watch the new Food Wars episode?” he asks brightly, releasing your hand from his own.

You take a moment, glancing back at your desk of makeup before you exhale.

“Yeah, fuck it.”

**

The “lowkey/Loki” party is in full-swing by the third hour. Your lack of desire to plan meant that you had left Jimin in charge of the guest list, and though he had organized everything with only the best intention, you now found yourself surrounded by upwards of 40 people you either hadn’t spoken to in years or straight up didn’t know.

After a handful of birthday shots, Jimin began making the rounds as a host and you lost track of him soon after. Jungkook was somewhere on the back porch the last time you had seen him, and Jaehyun was stuck at work until later in the night. This meant that you had to engage in one of your most hated past-times. Small talk.

At this point in the night, if one more person asks you what your major is you swear you’ll put your head through the window.

The one thing that had been keeping you tethered to your sanity was the promise of Taehyung showing up at some point to stay by your side, but at just past midnight you receive a highly apologetic text from the man explaining how he wasn’t going to make it because of car issues.

Y/N (12:03)

Do you need me to come pick you up tae?

TaeTae (12:04)

No you can’t leave your own party!

Besides the tow truck guy is already here and he’s pretty cute.

Y/N (12:06)

At this rate you’re going to have a more eventful night than me ;(;

TaeTae (12:06)

I’m sorry, Y/N. I swear I’ll make it up to you soon.

Y/N (12:07)

Don’t worry about it. Let me know when you get home okay? No free rides from Mr. Tow Truck.

TaeTae (12:08)

Dirty!

You scoff as you slide your phone back into your pocket, but the realization that your one escape is gone soon settles in.

The temptation to slide back into your room is very compelling, but your promise to Jungkook rings in your head like a bell. You have to try to enjoy yourself.

In a last-ditch effort, you push yourself up from your seat on the couch, forcing your legs to move towards the flock of people that have gathered on your back patio. Your senses kick into overdrive at the sight of such a large crowd, and that might explain why the smell of beer and acrid pot is so pungent upon you stepping outside.

You quickly scan the sea of bodies in search of just one familiar face, and your eyes light up when they fall upon a lively Jimin tucked into the corner of the yard, his laugh echoes loud over the drone of the other party-goers. You quickly begin to make your way through the crowd in search of your friend, but your attempts are stunted as the wall of bodies seems to grow thicker the deeper into the crowd you venture.

One spilled drink down your leg later, you find yourself on the other side of the obstruction. A feeling of relief floods you as you bring your hand up to your mouth to call out to Jimin over the pounding music, but you lose your voice in your throat when a bump from the side causes you to stumble on your feet.

A lanky arm wraps around your waist before you can fall, for which you are thankful. What you don’t appreciate is how said lanky arm remains looped around your waist even after you’ve gained your balance back.

“Woah, sorry about that.” your savior, or captor, garbles out.

“No worries,” you say blankly as you brush down the length of your shirt to straighten it out. When you reach your waist you not so subtly swat at the boy's hand, but he’s either too smashed or too oblivious to get the hint.

“I haven’t seen you around before.” the boy continues.

“Oh really, because I’m here pretty often,” you force a smile onto your face as you just take the situation into your own hands, quite literally, and pull his hand off your waist, placing it by his side.

“No way, who do you know here?” he persists. “Maybe we’ve met before.”

“No, I think I would’ve remembered you.” you insist as you scan up and down the slender boy’s body. You weren’t lying either, the kid was decked out. From the leather pants to the dangling earrings, you know for a fact you would’ve remembered him. “I’m Y/N, by the way.”

“Oh shit, you’re the birthday girl!” he announces a little too eagerly, and several heads turn to you, making your cheeks burn from the attention. “Well listen, birthday girl. If no one is watching over you tonight, then I sure as hell wouldn’t mind-”

“Oh, BamBam!” A familiar voice calls from behind you. “I didn’t know you were coming tonight.”

You turn away from the man allegedly called BamBam to face an approaching Jungkook with a world of gratitude radiating from your eyeballs. Jungkook stops once he is beside you, his hand swiftly snaking around your waist to pull you into his side.

“Yeah, uh, Jimin invited me” BamBam responds as he jerks his head up to point his chin in Jimin’s direction.

“Ah, I see you were getting to know the birthday girl,” Jungkook says as he lets his hand travel from your waist down onto the curve of your hip. You notice that BamBam’s eyes follow the movement.

“Oh, yeah. We were just talking, man.” BamBam begins to bring his hands up in front of him. The sight of the boy’s defensive gesture forces you to laugh, and you have to shield your giggle behind a well-placed clearing of your throat.

“Don’t worry about it,” Jungkook plays along. “But, if you don’t mind, I’m going to steal away the birthday girl for a little while,” he finishes, grip remaining steadfast on your hip.

“Alright, yeah,” the lanky boy nods, looking relieved that he’s found a way out. “I’ll, uh, see you around, Kook.”

Jungkook promptly tugs on your hip to turn you away from the other. A grin breaking out on his face the moment it is hidden from view. The two of you walk further away from the crowd of people, smiles gracing both of your features. You finally turn to Jungkook once you’re out of earshot.

“God, thanks for swooping in like that,” you exhale dramatically.

“You looked in need of some help,” Jungkook laughs, his bright smile lifting your spirits almost immediately. “What was he asking you when I came up?”

“I think he was about to offer me some birthday sex,” you relay, a shiver traveling down your spin shortly after.

“Man, BamBam is honestly a great guy,” Jungkook insists as you cock a brow upwards. “I swear he is. He just gets a little...feisty when he drinks.”

“Well, I guess I can’t blame him for that,” you concede.

Now that you had distanced yourself from the humming bass of the house it was much easier to hear your thoughts. However, at the moment all they were doing was pulling your attention to the fact that Jungkook had still yet to remove his hand from your hip, and unlike BamBam’s hand, you very much welcomed the gesture.

“So, uhm, are you overwhelmed yet?” Jungkook asks as he looks down at you, his cheeks dusted pink from alcohol.

“W-what?” you question. The heat of his torso pressed against yours suddenly making your whole body warm up.

“From the party,” Jungkook elaborates. “I said if you’re overwhelmed to come find me.”

“Oh, uhm,” your words slip messily over your own tongue. “Yeah, I guess I could use a little break.”

“Okay,” Jungkook smiles out, letting his grip fall from your body and down to your hanging hand. He wraps his fist loosely around your wrist before guiding you forward towards the back of the house.

**

“Oh my god, Jungkook! This is really beautiful!” you gasp as the boy pulls you up onto the roof from the last step of the ladder. The house you share isn’t very tall, and it certainly isn’t big, but it doesn’t really matter because from this height you’re able to see nearly all the lights of the city stretched out in front of you.

“Yeah, I thought you might like it.” Jungkook’s voice appears from behind you, guiding you slowly up the slope of the rooftop. “I’ll come up here sometimes when the air gets a little thin down in the house.”

“Mm,” you hum when a light breeze blows your hair back off your shoulders. “I can see why you like it.”

You hear Jungkook’s shoes shuffling behind you, shifting on the damp tiles of the roof before he sits down. His body is angled up along the slant of the roof so he can stare out into the city. You soon follow suit, laying your body out comfortably along the rooftop, your torso aligned with Jungkook’s.

It isn’t lost on you, the way this night seems to mirror the night you and Jungkook first kissed. If you let your mind drift it was almost as if no time had passed between then and now. The air held the same smell as it had that night, thick with smoke and cheap alcohol. The comfortable silences that filled the space between your words held a similar weight as they had before. Even the vibrations under the roof tiles felt familiar.

In your head you could still picture the younger version of yourself, still full of optimism and excitement. The world had seemed as if it was black and white back then. Things were right, or they were wrong. People were good, or they were bad. The world was simpler when you could view it in that way, and if you filtered your thoughts out for just a little longer, it almost felt like that’s how it was.

But it wasn’t the same. You and Jungkook weren’t the same people you had been all those years ago.

Now your body has aches from laying on the unforgiving cement tiles, your joints not being as tolerant as they once had been. Your bones can’t fight off the chill as well as they had when you had just begun college and the last of your baby fat still clung to them. The slide of Jungkook’s palm into your own was rougher now, more boney and callused than it had been before. The difference between right and wrong was no longer a straight line. Sometimes it became blurred, and at other times you couldn’t even see where one began and the other ended.

Jungkook’s palm felt warm against your cheek as he turned your face to look at him, but the depth of his eyes reached deeper than they had when you first got the chance to look into them. You lean in to close the remaining distance between your lips with less hesitance than before, and Jungkook presses his mouth against yours with a fervor that contrasts with the gentle kisses he had given you that night.

When Jungkook deepens the kiss, he pulls you under him with a deftness that can only come from experience. The pressure of Jungkook’s torso pressing against your own felt different than it had the first night he had kissed you too, and the weight of his hips that settled between your own was a weight you hadn’t felt before. Maybe it was the lack of shyness that accompanied his movements now, or maybe it was something that had changed in you. Whatever it may be, the press of his hips into your center brought out waves of arousal that felt new to you, and the slide of his lips against yours held an insistence that had never been present before. One that causes your head to spin. But something else is building in you too, a pressure settling deep in your stomach.

You certainly weren’t the same naive girl who had once believed that a person could either be good or bad. You had seen enough, done enough, to know that the distinction was never quite that simple.

No, the girl you had been before would have thought that an instance could dictate whether or not someone was good or bad. One mistake or a slip of judgment could mark you for life. No matter what you did you would always bare the label of your choices.

The person you are now may tread on the line of right and wrong that others have drawn in the sand, and you may not know the difference between good and bad, but what you do know that the younger you did not realize is that owning up to your mistakes does count for something. Accepting the blame where blame is justified may not erase your faults, but masking your mistakes under lies and excuses is just the same as committing them over again.

You turn your face away from Jungkook’s hungry kisses with this thought resonating in your head. You urge Jungkook’s off of you as you sit up, an apology spilling off your tongue repetitively.

“Y/N, what happened? Did I hurt you?” Jungkook questions, eyes wide searching your face.

“No, I just have to- I really need to tell someone something,” you utter out. You figure a vague explanation is better for now until you’re able to sort everything out in your head. “I have to go, I’m sorry,” you say as you stand up to walk towards the ladder.

“Wait, Y/N. Please don’t be mad.” Jungkook pleads. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to.”

“What?” you question as you turn to face the boy. “Jungkook, I’m not mad. I just- can’t do this right now. Not yet. I need to handle something.”

Jungkook’s head tips sideways as he keeps his eyes locked on yours. You consider for a moment letting him in, but you know that it’s your obligation to come clean first. Jungkook can wait a while longer.

“I’m sorry,” you repeat again. “I’ll come find you later.”

You shakily make your way down the ladder before tucking yourself into the far end of the yard. The music is less than a dull thud from where you stand, making it easy to hear the dial tone ring as you wait anxiously.

The dial tone gives way to a generic voicemail message, one which you cut off abruptly in favor of trying the call one more time.

A disappointed sigh leaves your throat when the voicemail message it recited back to you for the second time, but this time you let it follow through to the beep.

“Hey...Jaehyun.” you start, losing all the motivation you had built up previously. “I think we need to talk.” your voice shakes with uncertainty as you think of how to sign off your message. “Call me back when you get this, or just...I’ll see you when you come home. Okay, bye.”

You tilt your head back in a groan as you end the call. You were not looking forward to this talk you were going to have, but it needed to be done. You had already let things get out of hand, and it was your responsibility to concede your mistakes.

You roll your phone in your palm a few times before bringing it up to your face. You quickly thumb down the screen to read over your notifications that had gathered over the past few hours. A few tweets followed by a stream of goodnight texts from Taehyung were all you seemed to have missed, but as you reach the end of your messages you realize you had overlooked an email from earlier.

You tap on the notification with confusion painting your features. The email is from your old professor who oversaw your work at the school newspaper. You hadn’t been in touch with her since before graduation when you asked her to keep you in mind if anything interesting popped up. You had left her with a copy of your portfolio and resume just in case, but you hadn’t expected to hear from her, especially after months of no word.

As your eyes scan the contents of the email you suddenly feel the urge to sit down, a powerful wave of lightheadedness overtaking you. Your emotions must be written clearly on your face because before you can even comprehend it Jimin is in front of you, cupping your face in his hands.

“Are you okay, Y/N? You look sick.”

“I-” you begin, scanning the email again to make sure your eyes weren’t tricking you. “I got a job.”

“What? Y/N, that’s great!” Jimin exclaims.

“But,” you continue. “I have to leave Korea.”

[queengeekrose]

My silent struggle

I have a secret.  It’s one no one, not even my own family, who lives in the same house with me, has figured out, until very recently when I talked to them and told them, and it’s one I’m not proud of.  It’s time I talked about it.

It’s not exactly a secret that I’m overweight.  I have been my whole life.  I was even a very large newborn.  I get it.  And with my other health restrictions, I can’t exactly get a lot of exercise or move around a lot.  I have never been a gym rat or a fitness queen.  Everyone who knows me knows this.  Having asthma didn’t help these matters any either -- it’s hard to get excited about trying to do something that makes it hard to breathe.  I was also never particularly gifted at most sports or coordinated.  Let’s call a spade a spade here.  I’m clumsy and some of the other things going on in my life made that worse.  Anyway, I’m not athletic.  I don’t exercise much.  It’s hard for me to lose weight.  So I’ve always been called fat or chubby, or tubby, or plump (one of the kinder ones, usually by friends parents), or round, or rolly polly, or chunky, or some other, less than kind way of saying the same thing.  I mean ALWAYS.  It started when I was three, for fucks sake, going to a storytime at a public library, and other kid asked who the new fat girl was.  It beat me down and wore on me, year after year, decade after decade, become an ingrained part of who I was, what made me feel bad about myself in some way. 

It’s also not a secret I struggle with major depressive disorder.  Or PTSD.  Both of them are major factors in my life at this point and getting them diagnosed and starting treatment for them has helped me a lot.  I still have bad periods, like I’m going through now, where things just seem like an endless struggle to do the most basic tasks, but I know I can get through this because I have before.  My mental health will always be a factor in my life, I suspect, just because I have been through so much, even if the rest of my life were to suddenly be all sweetness and light.  Actually, that would probably make me a bit mistrustful too, just because of some of my history, but that’s a story for another time.  Today we are focusing on something more important.

Anyway, depression, self-image, a heft dose of self doubt, a smattering of self-hatred for being overweight for so long, and me, listening to some of those voices from my past, telling me I wasn’t worth the effort, the time, the expense, the love, the FOOD, ended with me silently spinning into a cycle of self abuse.  At first, it was things like literally picking at scars, cuts, or my skin until I bled, as close to cutting as I ever got.  Then, when I realized what I was doing, and I was diagnosed as a diabetic, and was forced to change my diet, I stopped.  Diabetics are more prone to getting infections because we heal slower and our body can be more at risk, so I decided it wasn’t worth it.  Instead, I decided to make a different change.  Now, please, keep in mind, none of this was actually done with me consciously thinking about it.  My brain just decided it would be the best way to handle things without me really making a choice that I knew of, other than to alter my diet to eat a more diabetic friendly diet.  I thought I was just cutting out sugars and carbs.  What I was really doing was starting down a very slippery slope.  One I’m still struggling on today, four years later.

The decision to cut carbs and sugar seemed easy for me.  I had a lot more willpower than I realized it seemed and suddenly I was just avoiding a lot of foods entirely and my blood sugar came under control in no time flat.  It amazed the doctors.  They had to take me off ALL the medicines, insulin included, except the very minimal maintenance medicine I still take now.  My blood sugars and long term blood sugars (A1C’s) measure more like someone who is not diabetic at all, most of the time, well below 100 daily (and below 5.8 for my A1C).  In other words, I no longer needed to maintain that super tight control and even push further.  My initial A1C had been very high, partly due to an infection, which as I understand it, often throws your body off, and I didn’t know I was diabetic at the time, so I hadn’t been taking very good care of myself either.  Now, I was doing better and going to the doctor, getting things checked, and trying to make a positive, or so I thought, change in my life.  I was even losing some weight!  That was an unexpected bonus. 

Now, as some of you no doubt know, at the same time I was diagnosed diabetic, my legs started giving out on me, due to an unrelated neurological condition.  The doctors have spent several years, countless procedures, and innumerable hours looking at me, my medical charts, going over my spine (they did multiple spinal taps and MRI’s), my legs (nerve biopsy, nerve conduction study, and countless tests of every sort imaginable), and even just focusing on my feet.  They found that the nerves were dead and dying from the inside out, but couldn’t find the cause (and the way they were dying, perfectly evenly on both legs, was extremely odd).  I definitely had something wrong, but they were all stumped.  Oh, and I had a VERY severely crushed spine that I hadn’t known about, probably from a car crash many years ago.  So I was told I needed to use a wheelchair whenever I was outside the house, so I didn’t fall, and even in the house, I should be careful.  My legs can randomly give out on me.  This didn’t help my mental well being, as it seemed like the doctors were kind of just giving up on me, saying “Oh, well.  Yeah, there’s something wrong, but we don’t know what.  Too bad for you.  Hope it gets better.  We’ll be interested to watch, if you let us.”

That was really the beginning of the dark times in my mental struggles.  I became passively suicidal.  I stopped eating almost completely and was often nauseous when I did eat.  I didn’t realize at the time what that was the beginnings of.  What I was starting to struggle with.  What I am still, two and a half, nearly three, years later, still struggling daily with.  ANOREXIA.  To look at me you wouldn’t think I had that problem.  I’m still overweight.  But here’s the thing, you can’t tell by looking at someone what’s going on in their head, heart, or body, most of the time.  I have had several extended family members struggle with anorexia, but I don’t think anyone in our family ever even thought I might be close, even when I said I hadn’t been eating.  No one paid attention.  I was giving them subtle warning signs, looking back, but the red flags all went unnoticed and flew under the radar.  I don’t blame them.  It took me a long time to realize I had been doing this to myself. 

So now my real work begins.  I need to find a way to somehow cope that isn’t so self destructive.  Hopefully, this time around things will be a little easier, as far as that goes.  Some of my stressors are gone.  My life is still rough and rocky, but such is the nature of life.  Some people just have more of an uphill battle than others.  I just wish mine were less of a mountain to climb at times.  And I know some of this is self-inflicted now, but it was never my intention to do this to myself, or to anyone in my family.  I now have to try extra hard to remember to eat everyday, and not skip, just because that’s what seems easier, and more what I want to do.  I can’t say it felt bad losing over 40 pounds in a year, even without much exercise, but that should have been a clue to everyone too, I think.  Even for someone who’s very overweight, that a lot.

Well, I’ve rambled long enough today.  I just wanted to get this out here.  If anyone is going through something and needs to talk, my DM’s are open, and I do have a Discord.  Send me a message and I can send you a link.  Depression, mental health, and eating disorders are all heavy stuff, but they need talked about.  I’m a firm believer that by keeping this stuff in shadowy back corners, we give it more power.  Bringing it into the light helps people and takes the stigma away.  It helps more people understand it too.  ANY ONE can suffer from an eating disorder.  ANY ONE can struggle with mental health.  You never know.  People wear masks in public to hide their innermost thoughts and feelings, so we don’t know what’s going on inside.  Sometimes reaching out is all someone needs.  Don’t be afraid to reach out if you need help, or to reach out if you think someone needs it.

Peace Folks. <3

[thebookofelliott]

7.14.19

Sunday. 10:45am.

My first attempt using this new sideblog exclusively for journaling. In brief, I’ve experienced a weird spike in anxiety this year and I’m not sure why or what to do with it. I tried journaling by hand a few months ago but it hurt my hand too much, lmao.

So here we are! I like writing. I want to be very, very good at it, but as of right now, I’m incredibly okay. This will ideally be a way for me to work through some emotions and thoughts, to put them down with no judgment (positive or negative), and to just be with myself a little bit every day. I’ll also try closing out every entry with three things I’m grateful for today. Just trying to keep myself actively looking for the positive stuff. 

Today I’m at the aquarium. I’m working the sea lion presentation. I like this presentation for the most part, but there are some days that are harder to start than others, and today was one of them. It doesn’t help that it’s the dead of summer right now, so we’re at peak season. That means a crazy crowded aquarium, plus seven back to back shows for me today from 9:15 to 5:45. Oof. 

Currently nursing a Dunkin’ Donuts coffee. I wanted to get Caribou but I remembered when I got in my car that I desperately needed to get gas and wouldn’t have had the time to do that and get Caribou, so I opted for the quicker, decidedly less cosmopolitan Dunkin’. I get a large hot coffee, four creams, four sugars, and it’s usually perfect. Today, they didn’t include the sugar, so it’s not nearly as sweet as I want it. That’s fine. There are worse things. 

After work today I have to drive across the state to my other job to catch a preview performance of Children of Eden. I would rather do about a hundred different things instead of that. That will probably get out around 9, and then I need to swing by a FedEx or a Walgreens to print out a couple headshots. I have two auditions this week and one next week, and I’m fresh out, so there’s more money I’d rather not spend. 

Money has been ridiculously tight lately. I’m attributing part of that to a vacation I took with my family about a month ago that took me away from the aquarium (the better paying of my two jobs) for four whole days, but there are a number of factors as well, like rent going up about $20 and my generally bad handling of money in the first place. I’ve applied to a full-time job that would help me out in that regard, and that would be a major stressor off my plate. 

After I publish this, I’m going to make myself do 15 push-ups before this next sea lion show. Since I don’t have time to go the gym today, I can at least make myself do some push-ups and/or crunches after each show. Something to keep me awake and to pass the day! 

I also need to work on a dramaturgical report on Stephen Schwartz that I’m putting together for a summer camp. And I should work on this audition tomorrow night. But truth me told, I’d rather watch Stranger Things season 1. We finished season 3 last night, and I enjoyed it for the most part (I posted deeper, actual thoughts on my main blog, so I’ll spare this one the spiel), but I still haven’t watched the first season all the way through. So my heart wants to do that in between shows.

Anyway, this is not an exciting entry. And that’s okay! To anyone reading this, thank you for being here. I appreciate you. 

Today I’m grateful for:

coffee

family

podcasts

[brerediddy]

taking care of you

summary: newt's going on his third day of no sleep when hermann notices that something is wrong. (newmann; h/c & fluff.)

Newton came into the lab a little too bright and chipper for Hermann’s taste. The physicist had all but inhaled two cups of coffee and he was still half-asleep. The apocalypse allowed for no vacations and it was beginning to catch up with him. Hermann wondered why it wasn’t hitting Newton; he’d been working all the same hours—perhaps more, with the few times Hermann had found him tinkering around in the lab during the wee hours of the morning. And yet, here Newton was, as energetic as ever.

Before the shorter man had even reached his own side of the lab, he’d already been speaking a mile a minute about his latest research. Hermann tuned back in on the end of the rambling, trying to focus on his words. “So anyway, if I can just manually reconstruct the DNA into something like a mutation, then I could potentially just find a mature enough cell to get it back into the kaiju. Right? That logic makes sense, doesn’t it?”

Hermann shakes his head to keep up, his chalk-filled hand dropping to his side. “You recognize that I’m not an exobiologist, right?”

“Well, right, but. You usually have some input. I figured today wouldn’t be any different.” Newton peered at him through thick lenses, his eyes narrowing. “You feeling okay?”

“I’m fine, Newton. Just tired.” Hermann pinched the bridge of his nose. “I’m sorry. Let’s try again. Explain your theory one more time, please.”

Newt dove back in with the same excitement in his voice. He was bouncing on his feet and gesturing wildly with his hands. His eyes were wide, green irises shining. After his explanation, Hermann nodded. “Yes. Your logic is sound. At least, from my perspective.”

“Thanks, man,” Newt said. He typed a few lines on his computer, scanning it for errors. Once he was satisfied with his note-taking, he turned back towards Hermann. “So you can’t sleep either?”

“It’s not that, exactly,” he said, making a few marks on the chalkboard. “I sleep plenty. My brain is just tired. It must be from the stress.”

“Yeah, dude, probably. You’ve been working hard.”

“As have you,” Hermann agreed. With that, they lapsed into comfortable silence. Newt put his headphones in, blasting loud guitar riffs and heart-beat drums. Hermann fell into the easy melody of muffled rock n’ roll mixed with scraping chalk. This, he was comfortable with. The stressors could be ignored. Just he and Newton, working separately but together. Every few moments, he picked up on the shuffling of the other man’s rubber gloves or his tapping feet, but it was all a sign of familiarity more than anything else. Even in the end-times, there were small comforts to be had.

After a few hours had passed, Newt took his headphones out. He freed his hands from the blue-stained gloves and crossed the room towards Hermann. “What are you working on?”

Hermann gave him a little hum, placing his chalk on the small metal ledge before explaining. His cane lifted to point out the various sequences of numbers. “I think that if I can take these numbers here and find their connections to the timelines of the attacks, I can understand why they’re choosing the locations that they are.”

“Sounds good,” Newt approved. He looked over the information that the taller man had pointed out, not fully understanding the numbers but knowing enough to make sense of it. He swayed on his feet a little bit while staring up at the tall board, his head feeling airy. Airy. He should get some air.

Newt took a deep breath to steady himself. He was fine. He didn’t need to leave the lab just to make the trek all the way outside. He blinked a few times, clearing away the stars at the edge of his vision.

“Newton?” Hermann’s voice said, seeming far away. Why did he seem so far away?

All at once, he was back to reality. “Yeah, sorry. What?”

“I asked if you were alright.”

“Oh, me? Yeah, dude, I’m fine. Just got a little dizzy. I’m good now.”

Hermann’s brows creased right in the center, like Newt knew they did when he was anxious or frustrated. “When was the last time you ate?” He glanced at the clock, noticing that lunchtime was almost upon them. “I can grab you something if you’d like.”

“No, no, I’m okay.” Newt ran a hand through his hair. He had actually remembered to eat breakfast that morning. He had been up all night, again, but he’d had a nice meal. He didn’t know what else to do with all the time on his hands.

“You’re sure?”

“Positive,” he said. He gave a quick thumbs-up and then turned on his heel to go back to his station. “Just needed to get out of this kaiju for a minute.”

“I understand,” Hermann spoke. He glanced at the lab couch, unoccupied, on the other side of the room. “We should take a break. I could use one, too.”

“Yeah?” Newt asked, noticing the softness in the other man’s voice. He looked back at Hermann, following his visual line to the couch. It did look nice. Besides, a small break couldn’t hurt. The apocalypse would still be there when they returned to their work.

Hermann smiled fondly, taking Newt by the arm. His grip wasn’t tight in any sense of the word—it was more for guidance than anything else. His cane ticked away at the tile floor until they made it to their destination. Newt all but collapsed into the cushions, letting out a long sigh. He’d been on his feet for too long. Ever since he decided against sleep for the third night in a row, he’d been pacing and moving and standing over his specimens.

Hermann watched his lab partner with a careful eye, observing the exhaustion on his features. He lowered himself onto the couch with grace, leaning his cane against the arm. Up close, now, he could see the deep circles under Newton’s eyes. Of course, everyone at the Shatterdome had circles under their eyes. Everyone was always tired and stressed and on the verge of collapse. But Newton hadn’t looked quite this tired before; at least, not in recent memory.

Wordlessly, Newt closed his eyes and tilted his head back against the worn cushions.

Hermann balanced his elbow on the couch’s arm, resting the side of his face in the palm of his hand. He didn’t close his eyes but he did let out a few long breaths to attempt relaxation. “Newton?”

“Yeah, Hermann?” Newt didn’t change his position in order to respond. He opted, instead, to speak to the ceiling with his eyes closed.

“How long has it been since you slept?”

The question caught him off-guard. He hadn’t expected Hermann to notice anything. Usually, the other man was too focused on his own work to think about Newt’s health. Then again, he had asked earlier if the shorter man was alright. He had even offered him food. Hm. Maybe Hermann did care. After a pause, Newt gave a small shrug. “Not really sure.”

“How can you not be sure?” Hermann asked, his posture straightening up in alarm. Newt was going to be the death of him. How a man in his mid-thirties could be so terrible at taking care of himself, he’d never know.

“It’s hard to keep track. All the days keep blending together,” Newt explained. He finally opened his eyes, squinting at the harsh yellow lights of the lab. “I think it’s been three nights. It might be more, but I’m pretty sure I remember getting a few hours before that.”

“ Newton ,” the physicist said sharply. No wonder the other man looked so utterly beat. “You need to sleep.”

“I’m fine. Thanks for the concern, but really. I know how to function without.”

“I don’t doubt that. What I’m worried about is your brain’s ability to function without. Does our K-Science unit not depend on your cognitive abilities?”

“Sleep doesn’t have anything to do with my research.”

“Newton. You’re a biologist , for God’s sake. You should know how important rest is for your brain. What if you fall over into some kaiju blue? Then what happens?”

Newt crossed his arms over his chest, feeling a singe of defiance inside. “It’s not my fault, okay? I wish I could sleep. I just can’t. I’ve made my peace with it and you should probably do the same.”

Hermann gave this pause. He hadn’t considered this. He’d assumed that Newton was forcing himself to stay awake, pushing through his fatigue to continue his research and development. “What do you mean?” His tone was much softer now, eyes fond. He just wanted to help. He wanted the other man to stop looking so fragile, with his pale skin and shaking hands and purple crescent-moons under his eyes.

“I just. I lay there and I can’t get my brain to shut up. I take melatonin but I just keep thinking. Then, even when I’m almost asleep, something will wake me up. I’ll think of something and I can’t afford to lose it, so I need to get up and write it down. Or-Or, I get anxious. I’ll try to forget about the science, but when I do, there’s only one thing left to think about and that’s what’s going to happen if we don’t solve the problem. And then sometimes I have this vision of us at the lab, and a huge kaiju bursts through, and I have to watch you—” Newt stopped himself suddenly, his mouth clamping shut in an almost comical manner. “Sorry. I just. No one’s asked me about this before.”

Hermann was horrified. He hadn’t known that his lab partner was suffering. How had he not noticed before now? He reached out a hand to rest against Newt’s shoulder. He squeezed softly, noticing the way his tense muscles relaxed under the grip. “It’s alright. You’re alright,” he murmured, soft enough just for the two of them.

“I’m alright,” Newt repeated, burying his face in his upturned palms. “Sorry.”

“You needn’t apologize. Everyone struggles sometimes.”

“Not me. I don’t. I do my work and I study what I have to and I’m fine. I’m totally fine. I’m a—”

“Yes, yes, you’re a rockstar,” Hermann interrupted. “I know. Regardless, you still need to take care of yourself. I’ll help you.” He gave a small nod of his head to showcase his willingness to assist the man.

“I don’t understand,” Newt said.

“I’m willing to help. If you want.” Hermann squeezed Newton’s shoulder again. “I could stay with you until you fall asleep.”

“You’d do that for me?” The fondness and surprise in the biologist’s voice was genuine. “I mean, you don’t have to. I don’t want you to waste your time, dude..”

“It wouldn’t be a waste. If you would sleep better with a little help, I want to do what I can.”

“Thanks, Hermann,” Newt replied, a small grin on his face. He yawned and then popped a few knuckles. “Well, I should get back to it. Those genes won’t mutate themselves.”

Hermann cracked a smile that was reserved only for him. “Well, they might.”

Newt propelled himself off the couch and back to his feet, offering a faux salute to Hermann. The physicist gave a little hum of laughter at the motion.

And then Newt was falling to the ground. His eyes closed, his legs gave out, and he collapsed. Hermann moved before he knew that he was moving. He threw himself at his lab partner, collecting him in his arms and bracing for the hard floor against his body. He cradled Newton against his chest and tried to break the fall as best he could. His leg screamed at him in pain but he couldn’t focus on that right now. As he lowered the biologist to the ground, he placed a palm on the side of his face. “Newton. Newton. ”

The moment was agonizing but cut short when Newt stirred. His eyes opened, squinting against the lights. He moved his head slowly to observe his changed position. When he noticed Hermann’s position above him, his brows furrowed. “What’s happening?” he asked. “Why are we on the floor?”

“You collapsed, Newton. Are you alright?” His voice was frantic, not masking any of the concern lying underneath.

“Y-Yeah, I’m okay. I don’t remember falling. I was looking at you and then everything went black.”

“You passed out.” Hermann scanned his lab partner’s features and realized that his palm was still caressing the other man’s face. He removed it quickly. “Let’s get you up.” He placed a hand behind Newt’s back and another on his arm, guiding him. Newt winced at the pain in his head and the stars that seemed to form with the motion. “Slowly. Be careful,” the physicist reminded gently.

“Careful. Got it,” he affirmed. He tried to portray a cool demeanor, but his head hurt so badly. As he got to his feet, Hermann’s arms still keeping him in place, he let out a breath. “Oh, god,” he whispered. “My head, dude.”

“That’s understandable. With the lack of sleep you’ve had, this was bound to happen sooner or later.” The taller man kept his hold on Newton, unwilling to risk another fall. “Let’s get you to bed.”

“No, I’m okay. I just need a minute.” Newt rubbed at his eyes, wavering again with the loss of vision. Hermann’s hands kept him steady, though, and for that he was thankful.

“Absolutely not,” Hermann objected. “You’re going back to your quarters. You need to lie down.”

The shorter man opened his mouth to argue but decided against it after seeing the stern look on the other’s face. He paused before saying, “Yeah, okay.” He blinked, his eyes feeling heavy. Newt felt himself leaning more and more into the physicist’s side involuntarily. In response, Hermann’s arm came up to wrap around his shoulders. Newton was too tired to really consider this, but he made a quick note in the back of his mind to memorize the feeling.

“Alright. Let’s get you to bed,” Hermann said, his voice soft. He was being so gentle. Newt was sure that if he were fully aware of what was happening, he’d be lovesick. At least, more than he already was.

They ambled their way down the hallway, Hermann supporting his own weight and Newt’s on his cane. Once they made it to the biologist’s room, the taller man typed in the passcode.

“How do you know my code?” Newton asked, his eyebrows raised. They crossed over the threshold, his feet moving on their own accord.

“You’ve told me a thousand times that it’s your birthday,” Hermann said dismissively. At the other man’s shocked expression, he added, “I do listen to you sometimes, you know.”

Within the next moment, Newt was sitting on the edge of his bed. Hermann put his cane down, leaning it against the bedpost. He sat down next to the other man and brushed Newton’s hair from his face. “Feeling any better?”

“A little,” the shorter man said softly, his green eyes locked with his lab partner’s. He shook his head enough to clear his mind and said, “Thanks. You didn’t have to do all that for me.”

“Of course I did. Believe it or not, your wellbeing is important to me.”

“I’m fine, really—”

Hermann held up a hand to silence Newt’s protests. “You’re not fine. Had I not been there to catch you, you could’ve seriously injured yourself in the fall.”

“Right, but. Wait. You caught me?” Newton’s face went from a soft fondness into a hard stare. “Hermann Gottlieb, tell me you didn’t.”

“I didn’t want you to further injure yourself. I don’t know what the problem is.”

“Are you okay? Did you hurt your leg? Dude, I’m heavy. Seriously. I don’t care if I’m about to bash my brain in, don’t catch me.” The biologist placed a hand on Hermann’s shoulder, looking at him in absolute earnest. “Promise me you won’t do it again.”

“Newton, I’m fine,” Hermann said, rolling his eyes in a way that was reserved only for the other man. “I didn’t hurt myself,” he lied. “Besides, I didn’t consciously make the decision to catch you. You were falling. My body kicked in far before my mind did.”

The other man peered at him through thick-rimmed glasses. “Fine,” he allowed. “As long as you’re okay. Then...thank you.”

“You’re welcome. Now, back to my original point, Newton; you must take proper care of yourself. I know you said you can’t sleep and I understand that, but this is the point where you must ask for help. You cannot keep going on like this.”

“I didn’t know who to ask. To be honest, I didn’t even think you’d notice that there was a problem in the first place.”

“Newton,” he said, a small edge to his voice. “You really believe that I care so little for you?”

“Well, no, not anymore. I know you care. I mean, Herms, you broke your ass to help me. It’s just that before...you know. I thought I was kind of a nuisance to you.”

Hermann shook his head. “You were never. I appreciate your partnership and I value your company. I’m sorry that I didn’t make you aware of that sooner.”

“No, dude, I should be apologizing to you for making you worry and ruining your day in the lab.”

“You’ve ruined nothing,” Hermann assured him, the hint of a smile on his lips. “Now, what do you say we get you into bed?”

“All you had to do was ask,” Newton quipped, offering a small wink to the other man. The physicist rolled his eyes yet again.

The biologist began working on his tie, trying to undo the knot that had been so thoroughly embedded in the material. Normally, he was able to simply slip it on and off, but the wear and tear of the fabric was proving to be an issue. He struggled with it for a minute more before Hermann’s long fingers interfered.

“Let me,” he said, tone quiet and eyes focused on the task at hand. He worked at the knot with patience until it was finally loose enough to come undone. Newt could feel his face heating up at the closeness of their contact, but he simply stayed still and watched the process. Finally, when the man was free of the tie, Hermann placed it on the nightstand with great care.

Newt slowly removed his shirt, not finding it in himself to be insecure around the other man. In sharing a space for so many years along with their fair share of lab accidents, he didn’t have much to hide anymore. The white shirt came off, crumpled, and Newton threw it to the ground with absolutely no regard. He slipped his pants off in the same manner which left him in only his flame-patterned boxers. He found himself sitting next to the fully clothed physicist, but he didn’t have the energy to think much of it. “Much better,” he mumbled before standing up and walking around to the other side of the mattress. Unceremoniously, he lifted the covers up and climbed underneath. As soon as his head hit the pillow, he could feel the exhaustion seeping into his brain.

“There you are,” Hermann murmured, his palm flattening out the duvet on top of Newt’s chest. “You just need to get some proper rest.”

“Thanks, man,” Newton said, his eyes closing on their own volition.

“No need to thank me. I’ll stay here until you’re asleep.”

Newton smiled a little bit at that, blinking his eyes open. Half-lidded, he tilted his head towards the other man. “Might be a while. You can take some of the bed, too, y’know. More comfortable.”

“Perhaps I will,” the taller man spoke, looking at his lab partner with nothing short of adoration. He shifted his position on the bed until his back was propped up against the headboard and his legs stretched out in front of him. Next to him, Newt crept a little bit closer.

The biologist asked, “You promise you won’t let a kaiju in here?”

A tiny huff of laughter at the request, and then, “Of course not. Nothing can hurt you while I’m around.”

“Not worried about me,” Newt corrected, closing his eyes again. “I can take ‘em. Just don’t want anything to happen to you.”

“Nothing is going to happen to me,” Hermann promised. On an impulse, he placed a hand on top of Newt’s head, his fingers carding through the thick hair that was once perfectly styled. “Get some sleep, Newton.”

“You’re too good to me, Herms,” the shorter man hummed, barely above a whisper. He was breathing more steadily now.

“Nothing’s too good for you. You deserve the best.”

Within the next few moments, a couple of light snores slipped from the sleeping man. His head turned in his sleep, subconsciously searching for Hermann. The physicist removed his fingers from the man’s hair and shifted so that his shoulder was down at Newton’s level. In mere seconds, his head found its way onto the surface. He cuddled into Hermann with a contented sigh.

Hermann had planned on leaving the man in peace once he finally drifted off, but he couldn’t go now. No, not when Newton looked like that. He was so pliant and relaxed and...cute, for lack of a better word. It wouldn’t hurt to stay a little longer. Besides, what if Newt woke up and needed him? He should stay.

The warmth and comfort emitting from the sleeping biologist lulled Hermann into a relaxed state, his eyes slowly closing. A little nap couldn’t hurt.

As he fell asleep, Hermann considered the man next to him. He felt a strange warmth in his chest, looking over at him. He’d known for a while that he had more affection for the biologist than was normal, but this was new. The other man had been sweet and appreciative and happy. In that moment, he decided that there wasn’t anything he wouldn’t do for Newton. He’d follow him to the ends of the earth. And perhaps even more than that, if it’s what he needed.