#women) and that I thought I didn’t have dysphoria

[la-principessa-nuova]

first off i want to say that everything you’re describing here are all very much thoughts that went through my head at some point, and not just say that they will get better, but to give you the additional datapoint that i had all these same thoughts and yet for me it has gotten better.

I ended up writing a lot so i guess read whatever you feel like (as always) and i’ll put it after the fold so it doesn’t take up too much space on people’s dashboards:

that creeping sense of doubt of what if it’s all wrong or what if i can’t do it can be so hard to go through, and I’m sorry that you’re so deep in that right now. it did get better for me with time. it still comes into my head from time to time, especially when i’m around people who are deadnaming/misgendering me a lot or in an environment where i’m not out, but it definitely gets easier to deal with, a little bit just over time but especially as people around you start respecting your name and pronouns and treating you like a woman (either bc they change or bc you change your surroundings but either way).

for me, the thing that has helped the most in combatting the doubt, and you mentioned this already, is that counterpoint that when you think about going back, about having to pretend to be a man again, it feels so bad to think about. Because once we’ve had a taste of self-actualization, the pain of hiding and being someone else is just so much more noticeable with the context and the language/mental model to describe it. But that feeling is such a clear and present form of gender dysphoria that always reminds me why I’m doing this.

When I question if I could really be a woman because it seems so uncomfortable to push through all the conditioning that I’m not allowed to be, I think about being a man and it seems so foreign and so wrong that it helps me distinguish the feeling of truly not being a gender from the fear of the unknown and the fear of putting myself and my femininity out there to be rejected.

And when I fear that I will never pass and be read as a woman, I think about all the years that I was failing to pass as a man. All the rooms full of men (and boys earlier on) who tried treating me as one of the guys and it felt so wrong, and when I would use one of their phrases to fit in and it felt so gross coming out of my mouth. Never fitting in, never being truly part of things. Physical features are actually way easier to change than how we think and feel.

And when I think about the same situations with women, while there was a discomfort, introspecting on that made me realize that what I was feeling was that I wasn’t allowed to be there. I feared rejection from the group I wanted so badly to be part of and yet had been conditioned to believe I could never be. I felt like my presence in those settings was obtrusive, offensive, and threatening. These were all things I needed to work on (and still do to an extent) that clouded my sense of belonging within those groups.

i think it might help to show that this stuff gets better if i share a bit of my own story.

i first realized that the feelings i’d had about being more feminine and not like one of the guys meant that i was trans when i was 19, sitting in my dorm. it was the first time i had been away from home with peace and time to myself to think enough to do some deep introspection. i processed a lot of what i’ve mentioned and a lot of what you’ve mentioned at that time, and it was so overwhelming.

i didn’t think i could ever even tell my parents, and they handled all of my medical appointments and things still, so there was no way i felt like i could “medically transition” (whatever i thought that meant at the time). so after initially figuring things out, I just stopped thinking about it. I got busy with school and getting a job and I let that stuff keep me distracted, and every now and then when I had some time alone I would think about the fact that I’m trans and my gender and just feel this huge sense of cognitive dissonance as i continued to tell myself it’s not an option.

I convinced myself that even though I was technically trans, I didn’t need to transition, I could just get through life knowing for myself and hopefully one day I can find a partner who will be respectful enough about trans stuff that I can be open with it about her and that will be enough. But I was lying to myself, and eventually that all caught up with me when I moved out of my parents’ house and had some free time to introspect again and privacy to not be embarrassed reading about and watching videos by trans people explaining everything.

And then finally after 8 years I had a moment where it really sank in that I had to transition. I realized that while I could maybe keep myself alive and go to work and find some little joys along the way, I could not live until I transitioned. I realized that I could never relate to a partner who is expecting me to be a guy, and that at best I could hope to make it to old age and die sad and alone with no real friends and no partner. I realized that my creative pursuits were suffering because I wasn’t experiencing life. And I finally realized how many things that, even knowing I was trans, I hadn’t realized were manifestations of gender dysphoria.

And even after that, I still had doubts, and for the first 6 months or so after that they were so strong that I was afraid to come out to anyone irl because I didn’t want to pass the point of no return where I couldn’t just quietly throw away all my feminine things and go back to before. Even now they come and they go, but I know how to get through them without letting them send me so far into a spiral.

And when I started transitioning, I felt like there was zero hope of it working. I felt like I looked so masculine and like I could never be read as a woman, let alone completely “pass”. I thought I’d get laughed out of the room if I ever told anyone I was a woman and asked them to call me a different name and use she/her pronouns, especially my parents. I thought I’d pass so poorly nobody would ever see me as woman. But already, only 9 months into HRT, people do, and people have even earlier on.

But in some environments, people who know me from before still see me as a man in a wig, and it hurts, but it’s getting better with time. My conservative dad who had said severely transphobic things over the last few years, just a couple weeks ago, called me Sabrina for the first time. And in the conversation afterwards referred to me as his daughter. It gets better.

You will learn how to handle these struggles and avoid spiraling with time, and even if you never pass, the world will become more accepting in the long run.

As for your fears about the difficulties of transitioning, they are very valid, but while stressful and difficult, I have found them much easier to handle than the moments/contexts where I’ve had to boymode a lot and started to get sucked back into the before-times.

I’ve also come to realize that I was overestimating a lot of the difficulty and that fear was the hardest part both to experience and to overcome (although context: I have OCD and that definitely played a role, and also I live in a very blue state). The biggest step that reduced the most stress for me around transitioning was finally actually accepting that it was my life to ruin as I wanted. That I can disappoint my parents and that’s fine actually. That I can dress in ways that clash or don’t quite work and that’s fine. That I can not quite perfectly cover my stubble or make my body shape conform to feminine standards and most people won’t notice or care or think that means I’m trans even.

And also that outside of your family, people tend to care a lot less and get used to change a lot quicker, and if they don’t, you’re not stuck with them. The one exception I’ll say is possibly school, if you’re still largely with a cohort of people you’ve known for a long time (idk how common that is with like some in sixth form and some at college if i understand the uk school system correctly).

So for me there was a lot of like accepting that I can do it wrong and adjust and eventually I’ll get there. And that I have to woman badly to learn how to woman well. Like I have to actually put on makeup if I want to get better at doing it. I have to talk to cis women about things I still feel like I’m not allowed to in order to get comfortable with it. And learning to separate out those insecurities to know how to deal with them one by one.

idk i kind of rambled for a bit but hopefully some of this makes you feel less alone and maybe gives some advice on dealing with things. (and oh god i’ve been writing for 2 hours??? why can’t i do that for my book like i do for tumblr posts?)

i think im starting to accept that im a girl and. im just heartbroken

i feel robbed, i couldve been so much happier and im grateful that ill get to be, but its all so much more complicated. its not fair

i shouldnt feel as calm as i do. it seems so up here but i feel like its just stress masquerading as quiet. i just dont have the words anymore

they should get to work on that button

[djnusagi]

when I was 12 I learned what trans people were, and it was immediately obvious to me that I was one. not only did I now have a name for the unbearable pain I’d been dealing with for years at that point (gender dysphoria) but I had a possible cure for it (transitioning). I was already speaking to my school counselor regularly, as I was a very obviously autistic child who was prone to frequent bouts of uncontrolled crying and emotional breakdowns. I told her I was trans, and she was immediately accepting, but with some caveats.

it was great that I was trans! she wanted to help me in any way she could. BUT, she frequently told me about her son, a gay cis man who wore women’s clothing basically all the time. he loved being gay and a man but also wearing dresses and makeup. and sure it was GREAT that I was trans, but it would also be great-and in fact EVEN BETTER if I was just a cis male who crossdresses all the time like her son. this had 0 appeal to me. my problem was gender dysphoria, not clothes, and my dysphoria was caused primarily by my social role amongst my peers and my ever changing body. I wanted hormone blockers. I wanted to be a girl. I wanted to transition. I didn’t want to “crossdress”.

she helped me plan what I’d say when I came out to my parents which ultimately didn’t matter. they were mostly just angry and confused. my mom immediately asked if I liked boys or girls. I said “both I think” and she almost fainted.

after the initial shock she got fixated on a possible alternative. maybe I was just a really girly cis boy. maybe we could compromise. I could wear all the dresses I wanted in exchange for never transitioning. she’d be willing to deal with that. I said no. I had next to no interest in wearing dresses. I wanted blockers and then hormones and I wanted to live my life as a (probably somewhat tomboyish) girl. but she insisted up and down for years it’d be better for me to just be a male cross dresser. in fact, that was the more “enlightened” choice. that transitioning was regressive if you really thought about it. and cis male girlyboy crossdressing was the more “progressive” way to be. she wouldn’t stop pushing that. and it never fixed my gender dysphoria. she is now a terf.

since the very moment I came out as trans to anyone I had people telling me it would be better if I was just a cis male crossdresser. and in the 12 years since I have not stopped hearing that line.

[scoonsalicious]

1.2 Bucky

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Fem!Reader

Summary: Lily McIntire, trainer for new SHIELD recruits at the Avengers Tower, has been in love with her best friend, Bucky Barnes, from the moment she met him. She's been content with her role of the #1 girl in Bucky's life, even if it means she has to sabotage a romantic relationship or two. It'll be worth it when he realizes that they're meant for each other, right? There's just one small problem: Lily McIntire never expected Bucky Barnes to fall for You.

Warnings: (For this part only; see Story Masterlist for general Warnings) Language, mentions of alcohol consumption, some mild derogatory language against women, by women.

Word Count: 960

Previously On...: Natasha Romanoff invited you out to meet her single Avenger teammates. There's only one she warned you to stay away from...

A/N: For Bucky and Lily's POV sections, Major is referred to by name, and without use of you/your. It just made my life easier, lol.

NOTE! The tag list is a fickle bitch, so I'm not really going to be dealing with it anymore. If you want to be notified when new story parts drop, please follow @scoonsaliciousupdates

Thank you to all those who have been reading; if you like what you've read, likes, comments, and reblogs give me life, and I truly appreciate them, and you!

He clocked her the minute she walked through the door of the bar. How could he not? She was stunning, what with the way she carried herself as she moved through the room, the way her hips swayed as she walked. Bucky liked to think of himself as a gentleman, but just the sight of the unknown woman in front of him was inspiring decidedly ungentlemanly thoughts. 

He couldn’t believe his luck when she walked right up to Natasha, giving her a hug and joining her and Wanda at their table. His mind had been running, trying to come up with an excuse to approach her; he couldn’t believe he’d ended up with such an easy in. 

“Remember how we talked about staring, Tin Man?” Sam said, coming up alongside Bucky and noticing his distraction. “How some girls might find it downright creepy?”

Bucky ignored his friend’s jab at his expense. “Who’s that?” he asked, jutting his chin toward where the woman sat with his teammates.

Sam cocked his head, considering the girl who had captured his friend’s attention. “I think that’s Nat’s friend… (Y/N)--something. Nat said she might be joining us. Heard the girl was pretty, but damn!”

Bucky turned to look at his friend. “What do you mean, you ‘heard she was pretty’?” 

Sam shrugged. “Nothing. Just that Nat said she was inviting her pretty, single friend out with us tonight and maybe those of us without girlfriends might want to consider putting a little extra care into our appearance.”

Bucky glanced around at his friends– they did seem a bit more put together than usual, even Parker. But then he frowned. “How come Nat didn’t say anything about her to me?” He couldn’t help but feel slightly offended at being left out. Did Natasha not think he was good enough for her friend?

“Come on, man,” Sam said good naturedly, slapping Bucky on the back. “You may not have a girlfriend, but you sure as shit ain’t single!” 

Sam started laughing, but Bucky wasn’t sure he understood the joke. That happened a lot, unfortunately. There was so much about this time he just didn’t get, and he often found himself too embarrassed to ask for clarification. 

“What’s so funny, boys?” Bucky felt a small arm slink itself around his waist, and Lily was pressing herself into his side. He smiled down at her, wrapping an arm around her shoulders and squeezing her gently. He was never too embarrassed to ask Lily to explain the crazy ways of this modern world to him; she always approached his time-dysphoria, as they’d come to call it, with compassion and understanding. He was infinitely grateful to have her as a friend. One of his best.

“Exhibit A,” Sam said pointedly to Bucky. He turned to Lily. “Buck’s just curious about Nat’s new friend,” Sam said, a sly grin taking over his features. “What do you think, Lil? She’s hot, right?”

Bucky felt Lily stiffen beside him. “She’s alright, I guess,” Lily said after a minute of looking the woman over. “If you’re into that basic, skanky look.”

Bucky watched as Nat’s friend took off her leather jacket and draped it behind her chair. God, the skin of her back and shoulders looked so soft, he caught himself wondering what it would be like to run his fingers across it. “I think she’s gorgeous,” he found himself saying.

Lily looked up at him in surprise. “Really, Jamie? I have to admit, I’m surprised. I thought you had more refined taste than that.” She gave him a disgusted look before disengaging herself from his hold and walked back toward the pool table to line up her next shot.

“Yeah, Jamie,” Sam mocked once Lily had moved beyond earshot. “How dare you find the attractive girl attractive, you asshole!”

“Knock it off, Sam,” Bucky said, trying to ascertain why Lily would seem to have a problem with the way the woman looked. He thought she looked amazing. Easily one of the most beautiful women he’d ever seen, in this, or any of his decades.

Sam chortled. “Man, you hate being called ‘Jamie.’ Why haven’t you asked her to knock it the fuck off by now?”

Bucky shrugged, putting thoughts of Lily’s words aside as he glanced at the woman sitting with Nat and Wanda again. “I dunno; she likes it, and it’s been four years already. Feels kinda weird correcting her on it, now.”

Sam rolled his eyes. “Yeah, cause God forbid your friends actually call you what you want to be called.”

When he didn’t respond right away, Sam looked over and caught Bucky staring at you. “Hello,” he said, waving a hand in front of Bucky’s face. “Earth to Barnes? You okay over there?”

“Yeah,” said Bucky, blushing at being called out. “It’s just… she’s really pretty, you know?”

Sam sighed. “Alright. Now, I was gonna make my own play, but seeing as it’s been a dog’s age since you got any action, I’m gonna be a good friend and be your wingman on this one.”

Bucky smiled and turned back to the high top, delighted to see the woman looking back at him, this time, the sweetest smile playing across her lips. “Thanks, Sam,” he said. 

Sam gently nudged him with his elbow. “Don’t mention it, pal. You know I can never say ‘no’ to a charity case.”

“Guys,” Lily called over to the two of them. “We’re starting a new game, come on.”

Bucky looked back, giving the pretty girl one more glance. Were her lips as kissable as they looked? He wondered. Get it together, Barnes, he chastised himself. You’re 106-years old, not a fucking teenager. 

But damn if she wasn’t making him feel like one tonight.

<- Previous Part / Next Part ->

[angelsstranger]

not to bitch and moan but today i (he/him tme transsexual dyke) remember my transmasc roommate of days past and the time he saw me wearing a skirt and said “if i dressed like that I would want to kill myself”

always sort of insinuating that a “real” trans person couldn’t be gender nonconforming..

and eventually of course devolving into the “trans women actually have more privilege than me somehow and i feel threatened by them” which turned into “in the future i dont want to live with AMABs again” yes that second one is a direct quote there was so much more to the convo it ended our friendship quite abruptly and messily.

but my point being transmascs using their own dysphoria and their bigotry they inherited from their family as a weapon against trans women is soo much more common than you think it is. this person was supposedly a leftist and was friends with/trying to date many trans women at the time. it unsettled me how he would imply he found these women untrustworthy at the time but also he approached specifically trans women again and again looking for their patience nurturing and support even asking them for money and favors. before again pivoting and returning to the i think shes a bit TOO into me and its creeping me out.

my takeaway was basically it is your responsibility to tell trans women if they are seeing or hanging out with someone who says terfy shit behind their back. protect your community to make sure nobody has to experience that type of violence (to be clear the violence im referring to here is: someone trans or cis who wants to date/sleep with trans women but continues to imply trans women are dangerous or untrustworthy, eventually discarding each woman they bring into their life for vague reasons which all stem back to transmisogyny)

i was so distracted by how every time i tried to discuss with HIM the harm he caused he would break down cryinf about how fragile he is and all the trauma in his life and i was hesitant to let my friends know the transphobic things he said about them because i thought it would hurt them a lot (ignorant on my behalf. once i finally told my friends i realized i should have warned EVERYONE the very first time i saw this behavior) i didn’t want to seem like i was shit talking him or being rude to the women he was seeing but by the end of our friendship that was one of my greatest regrets. I personally try to honor this mistake by fucking never letting something like this slide ever again and being a reliable friend to the trans women in my life by telling them honestly if i don’t trust someone i see them associating with. that type of passivity in our communities is something that also puts trans women at risk.

since coming back to tumblr ive seen a lot of transmascs harrasing trans women here and the sense of entitlement and the need to frame trans women as a threat to your individual comfort and safety is incredibly harmful and selfish. it reminds me of that shit i watched going down two years ago with my room mate and i really don’t like seeing terf ideology spread by other trans people. check yourself and imo leave trans women the fuck alone if you are still unlearning that shit. stop inviting trans women on dates and hangouts if behind their backs youre insinuating they are untrustworthy or violent in some way. that is so evil ok send post

[thehypnone]

Symbol on the Surface Chapter 14

WC: 1,7k

Relationship: SwissAlps

Tags: Transmasc Swiss, Pregnancy, Fluff, Humor, Maternity Shoot (a joke turned serious turned horny), Fade To Black

Yes, he will gain three beautiful children in exchange for Swiss looking like this, but it still makes him a little…sad. There’s no denying that Mountain will miss Swiss being pregnant.

Notes: Tysm to @jimothybarnes for beta reading :3

Chapter 1 here or on AO3.

Read chapter 14 under the cut or on AO3.

Swiss finally got some proper clothes for Christmas. Clothes that actually fit him and his stomach—that don’t squeeze him anywhere, but don’t excessively hang off of him, either.

Mountain can’t help but stare at him every possible second.

The multi ghoul whined about the clothes a little at first, mostly because the human world still is quite…old-fashioned. Masculine, or even gender neutral, maternity clothes simply do not exist, and even though the gifters tried their best to find the most neutral pieces, it’s still obvious they’re all meant for women.

Well, there’s one piece of clothing that Swiss hadn’t seen yet; that Mountain ordered himself and has been hiding it and contemplating whether or not to show it to his mate.

Before getting knocked up, Swiss never minded—and actually enjoyed—wearing very feminine-coded clothes. He loves lingerie and tulle and lace and corsets and flowy skirts and…well, the thing that Mountain’s gotten is a bit of all of that. 

Except, with how Swiss’ dysphoria has been spiking as his pregnancy progresses, the earth ghoul isn’t so sure it’s a good idea. He’s been all but dreaming and fantasizing about seeing his mate in it, he would love to, but he’d never ask it of him if it’d make him uncomfortable.

It has been sitting tucked away in secret for a couple days, when one day Swiss suddenly got very excited about a text message. Mountain didn’t manage to see what it said before his mate was storming out of the door. Well, maybe…waddling would be the better term, considering how massive Swiss is and how it affects his walking.

The earth ghoul shrugged and decided to wait for him without worry and Swiss came back a couple of minutes later with a huge grin and holding a package on top of his bump.

“What have you got there, my heart?” Mountain asks curiously, raising an eyebrow.

“You’ll see in a minute, I gotta try it on,” Swiss chuckles, disappearing into the bathroom to…apparently try said it on. His mate puts down the book he’s been reading and waits for the multi ghoul to reemerge, incredibly curious as to what Swiss is up to.

Mountain hears some shuffling and quiet giggles and soon enough the door opens.

He bursts out laughing so suddenly and violently his ears are ringing and his stomach hurts and he chokes on spit. He doubles over himself, unable to breathe from how hard he is laughing. Swiss is no better as he stands there, holding onto the wall.

He’s dressed as an avocado, with his belly poking out as the seed of the fruit.

“Oh–oh, Lucifer, I’m–” Swiss breathes out between snorts, “I’m gonna p–piss myself.”

Mountain wishes he were able to reply somewhat coherently, but he…well, can’t. He just starts laughing impossibly louder. It’s a good five minutes, if not more, before either of them calms down enough to be able to breathe normally and speak.

“You are,” the earth ghoul pants, “something else, darling.”

Swiss only grins, posing proudly in his costume. “I saw the ad online and couldn’t help myself. I think I make a rather sexy avocado.”

“Yes, well,” Mountain chuckles, “we’ve always known you’re a fruit.”

That elicits another bout of laughter from the both of them.

“I think we need a maternity shoot with me in this,” Swiss proposes after a couple minutes, when he’s sat by his mate at the edge of their bed.

“Oh, absolutely,” he agrees with a smirk. The idea makes him think of something else, though; of the box he hadn’t dared to mention—and he still doesn’t, but the thought is nestled in his brain regardless.

The next day half of the pack is engaged in the ordeal, though most of them are there just for the show.

Rain has been elected as the photographer considering his…experience in the field. It turns out he has some quite professional equipment, too, and so he and Aether have carried it down.

The ghoulettes are the styling team, in charge of Swiss’ outfits and hair.

Still, it’s all mostly for fun, so he’s only got the avocado costume, as well as a couple others. His Prequelle mask, the Impera helmet and uniform and some other clothes, too. He thought that if they’re going to be going through the whole thing of setting everything up, he might as well get more than five photos.

It’s all fun and games, it is not and was never supposed to be a serious thing, but the way Swiss is posing, holding his stomach with care throughout it all, makes a weird ache settle in Montain’s chest.

Swiss is so beautiful like this and in less than two months it will change, and he doesn’t suppose they’ll try for kits again. After all, there are going to be a handful already.

And yes, the earth ghoul will gain three beautiful children in exchange for Swiss looking like this, but it still makes him a little…sad. He doesn’t think it’s fair, considering how many problems the multi ghoul’s current state causes, but there’s no denying that Mountain will miss Swiss being pregnant.

He thinks he should do whatever he can to…somewhat preserve the way his mate looks. It makes his thoughts circle back to the box under their bed and Mountain realizes that this is his only chance to see Swiss in it. If he doesn’t agree, that’s okay, but the earth ghoul might just hate himself for not asking and wasting this opportunity.

In a bout of bravery, he decides to ask.

“While we’re…taking photos,” he starts, “there’s something I got that I’d love to have a picture of you in. If you’d be comfortable with that, of course.”

“You did?” Swiss’ eyes light up a little. Mountain hopes they won’t dull too much when he sees what it is. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

“Uh, it’s…I didn’t want to make it weird, it’s–quite feminine,” the earth ghoul admits, blushing a little and hanging his head.

Swiss hums in acknowledgement, “Okay, well…I want to see. Then I’ll decide.”

Mountain nods—happy that his mate agreed to at least consider it. “I’ll go grab it.”

He runs out of the door and down the halls toward the Den, already vibrating with excitement. He has to calm himself down—Swiss hadn’t decided just yet.

When Mountain comes back with the box, the multi ghoul first takes it behind a curtain to assess.

“I would really, really love to see you in it, my heart,” the earth ghoul all but pleads, “but don’t force it if you don’t feel like it, okay?”

Swiss nods with a smirk and disappears. After a moment he yells out that yes, he’ll put it on for a couple photos, and then he’s calling in his styling team.

The earth ghoul is biting his lip as he waits for his mate to come out. If he also adjusts his pants while he’s at it, that's his business.

When Swiss does walk out from behind the curtain, it’s not only Mountain’s jaw that drops. Swiss loves the attention like no one else, but this time the stares and murmurs of his pack make him blush.

He looks absolutely ethereal in that piece. The dark green makes both the golden sheen of his skin and his eyes pop and the golden jewelry that the ghoulettes have put into his hair truly makes him look like a dark angel.

Swiss is so, so beautiful.

Mountain feels like he could cry about it, and if he’s being honest, he just might. How did he get so fucking lucky?

“I know I’m hot, get over it,” Swiss scoffs with his usual sassiness, even though everybody present can see he’s not exactly feeling that confident at the moment.

Mountain scrambles up from his chair and as if in a daze he shuffles over to Swiss, wraps an arm around his middle and bends down to kiss the air from his lungs. The multi ghoul huffs into it at first, but quickly reciprocates, grabbing his mate by the shoulders. Mountain just couldn’t help himself.

“‘M gonna need some other photos with it, too,” he mumbles into Swiss’ lips, making him chuckle. “‘M never gonna get this out of my head.”

Swiss trills and kisses him again, ignoring someone’s groan of ‘get a room’. He kisses him until he feels something twitch against his stomach—he then pulls away and smirks, looking down.

Mountain’s face is as red as a tomato, but he doesn’t care that much.

“Let’s take these photos before our big boy here ruins my outfit,” Swiss giggles, gently pushing Mountain away. He whines, ears drooping, but pulls down his sweater some more and moves back to watch his mate pose.

He might be drooling a little as he does, but then gets snapped out of it when Rain calls out for him, “M’kay, daddy, go up to him. You need some photos together.”

Mountain all but throws himself forward to get his hands on Swiss again.

He can barely contain the overwhelming hunger for his mate that’s taking over him, but somehow he does—following Rain’s orders on how to pose on autopilot. The moment he hears the water ghoul announce that they’re done, Mountain turns Swiss over in his arms and clashes their lips together.

In no time at all Swiss is laid out on his back on the floor with the earth ghoul hovering over him.

“All of…you…hmpf–out,” Mountain growls between hungry kisses he’s trailing down Swiss’ neck. The pack giggles, but indeed does, respectfully, turn to leave.

“W–wait,” the multi ghoul pants, though, “Rain, can you…stay? Take some photos.”

Mountain’s cock kicks wildly where it’s still trapped in his pants at that.

Fuck.

He doesn’t really notice if Rain does stay or not, or what the rest of their pack do. He doesn’t really notice anything beyond Swiss as he worships him with his hands and mouth right there, on the practice room’s floor.

The image of Swiss in that outfit would never leave Mountain’s brain, anyway, but the photos that Rain takes—with his tail down his pants at the same time—are going to make sure not one detail escapes his memory.

Taglist: @arkeusruin @skele-bunny @everybodyshusband @ratsummer @jazz-bazz @mac-and-thefox @karmicbias @wine-irytatus @ghoultrifle (if anyone from here wants to be removed lmk, and also if anyone else wants to be added)

[strawberijasper]

the post where you talked about it is kind of old, but i was just wondering if you’d share some trans girl!deku thoughts?

Holy shit this is an old ask I’m so so sorry anon!

But I would love to talk about trans girl!deku, I will always jump at any opportunity for me to yap about my hcs/AUs lmao.

My hcs for mtf!Deku vary a lot but what I come back to the most with her is usually how I think UA Deku would navigate being trans. I just think that coming of age story is always interesting, especially as someone who realized I wasn’t cis pretty young.

I feel like Izuku would have started to realize probably in her 2nd or 3rd year at UA, I just think in general Izuku would have realized pretty late (although the idea of Izuku showing up in 1st year fully socially transitioned would be fun, it’s crossed my mind mostly because I think it would be funny from Bakugou’s perspective). I feel like Izuku’s hyperfixation on heroes and becoming a hero would have played a big role in her not even thinking about her gender.

Izuku strikes me as the type to push feelings to the side when she’s got tunnel vision on something. Any “weird” feelings and insecurities she had that weren’t related to being a hero just weren’t as important. It’s very out of sight out of mind I feel. Until later on in highschool, those bottled up feelings of something being wrong would all start bubbling up after years of ignoring them.

It would be little things like lingering a bit too long in front of the mirror while getting ready for class, examining herself a little too closely, scrutinizing every detail that felt wrong but not knowing why. It’s something she would have done for years but just didn’t think about. Or overhearing the other girls in the class talk about their weekend plans, seeing their bond and feeling a pang of jealousy that she can’t explain. Lingering gazes at the girls uniforms or more feminine clothes in general, looks that likely got her teased by her male classmates (Denki, Sero, and Mineta) because they got the wrong idea.

I think she’d start journaling because of this. Izuku I think has a hard time processing her thoughts and feelings, so writing them down helps. It would be like a secret on lock down journal that she doesn’t ever take out of her room. But through that it would help her understand what’s been going on, so research, and realize that those insecurities she’s had her whole life was actually dysphoria.

I think the first people to notice would be Uraraka and/or Bakugou. They’re Izuku’s best friends so of course they’d notice something was up, and Bakugou especially pays way too much attention to Izuku for him not to notice. I’m not sure who she’d tell first though, I want to say Bakugou just because historically he’s been the first to know basically everything about Izuku, but I think it would come down to who confronts her first. But they’d both be supportive.

Uraraka would be more open with her support, she’d reassure Izuku that she loved her and would support whatever she wanted to do. She’d help Izuku out with experimenting with different stuff like her hair, makeup, clothes, etc. Bakugou on the other hand I think would be very awkward if someone were to come out to him, so his response, while supportive, would come off as dismissive. But it’s not, and he makes it very clear in his actions how much he cares about Izuku’s comfort. You’d think that someone who’s known her their whole lives would struggle with accidentally using the wrong pronouns, but I think Bakugou is built different, he’d have no problems whatsoever.

I have more thoughts about her coming out process but this post is running the risk of being only about that. But tl:dr I think the class would be very supportive and would absolutely fight anyone who is transphobic towards her.

I feel like once Izuku is well into her transition she definitely models a lot of her aesthetics after her mom and Uraraka, since they’re like the most important women in her life, plus it helps that Uraraka definitely shares her closet with Izuku.

The girls in UA would have a blast inviting Izuku to their regularly scheduled slumber parties to give her the girlhood experience ever.

I don’t think Izuku would fully transition until after they all graduate, but when she does it’s 100% thanks to Bakugou being fucking crazy. You thought him spending 8 years raising the money to have Izuku’s hero suit made was wild? Try raising the money for her transition on top of that. Bakugou is the definition of a wife guy, “whatever you want my queen” he is capitol w Whipped for Izuku in every universe.

One last thing I will say in this post about Izuku coming out, I think All Might would be, of course, supportive. But I think him and Izuku would have a very emotional, heartfelt conversation about it, they’d both cry and hug. All Might would tell her how proud he is of her, how strong he thinks she is. He would tell Izuku that he believes she’s going to change the world and make waves, not only being quirkless, but also trans. Idk that’s something I think about a lot and it makes me very very emotional.

Anyways, this post is ungodly long I am so sorry anon BRKHFFJF, I tried to reign myself in but nope! Yapper’s gotta yap ig. I hope this is enough mtf!Deku content to make up for the fact that this ask is from October, thank you for the ask and giving me the opportunity to talk about this again!

[fantasynexus]

A Post about Taash From the Perspective of an Autistic White Woman

Note: this is a opinionated piece with some hint of self reflection.

I relate heavily with Taash in multiple facets of thier character; personality, relationship with thier Mother and identity not just gender dysphoria but cultural identity.

Being an Autistic Woman

The very first interaction I had with Taash is when I realized they are exactly like me. From how they speak, act and most of all from thier special interests in Dragons.

The uninterested attitude when they realize that someone sent people to help them with something they’re an expert in. They’re annoyed, because someone is questioning their ability to get the job done but they deal with it because they’re now stuck with us.

We ask questions and get one word answers she’s still annoyed because of the unexpected turn of her already laid out plan, until we encounter more Antaam. Once she realizes that you can pull your own weight and genuinely interested in Dragons and not wanting to just kill this specific Dragon is when she really starts to open up.

This comes off as rude to Neurotypicals while to me it’s just her being straightforward and honest. It’s a habit I’ve picked up as well, when asked, “How was your day?” I don’t give the long explanation of every facet of my day. I say, “It was fine.” and move on from the question or how I don’t understand the need to say “You’re welcome.” After you’ve been thanked. That’s to say I don’t feel the need to expand onto my answers.

I also don’t like it when people tell me how to do/ insert themselves into an activity / hobby I’ve been doing just fine on my own. Unwanted Criticism on my artwork annoys me. My Grandma still tells me to stop at stop signs even though I’ve been driving for well over ten years and have never ran a stop sign.

Apparently saying, “I know.” Is considered rude to my Grandmother and my comment is met with a “Well I don’t know that you know.” Despite the fact it should be common sense; a 1+1=2 situation.

It took years for my Grandmother to understand I don’t like last minute plans or to warn me a day ahead if she needs my help with something. If she stops me out the door when I’m already dressed to leave for the park or river and she needs help with yard work then in my mind my plans are ruined for the day because in my brain it’s linear, it doesn’t branch out and reorganize instantly.

Overbearing Maternal Figures

When I was 14 my Grandmother gifted me a book called, “Act Like a Lady, Think like a Man” by Steve Harvey. I never read that book because 14 year old me thought it was stupid.

I don’t dress feminine enough for her; I don’t wear enough make up, I talk to masculine, act to masculine and dress to masculine. She hates the fact I don’t care what random people think about me.

This is still a point of contention with my Grandmother to this day, which if I’m getting the underlying context of Taashs’ dialogue when they refer to themselves or their Mother. They experience the exact same issues that I have.

Taash is forced to hide their Fire Breath, which among the Qun is considered a Masculine trait. They speak how their Mother called their hands ‘Big and Clumsy’ when made to upkeep her Dar-saam, a feminine tradition among Qun Women. When Taash brings up Clothing it’s obvious their Mother said something about how they dress.

Their Mother at every point we see or gain a mention of her at the beginning and mid point of the game is constantly critical of Taash from the way they talk, act and dress. Does that mean she doesn’t care for or love Taash? No, because if she didn’t she would have left Taash and returned to the Qun (if she could).

The overbearing and set in their ways maternal figures do love the child but most of the time they refuse to stop seeing you as a child. They coddle you, they want you to fit their ideals and expectations even when you don’t want to. They refuse to expand their world outside what makes them comfortable.

You can see this when Taash prepares Rivaini dishes for their Mother. Even when it’s literally just Bread, Meat and Cheese. It’s still to “Rich” for their Mother. She refuses to eat it despite being a guest at the Lighthouse. Despite getting an answer to what Nonbinary means she redirects Taash to try Qun terminology that doesn’t fit what it means to be Nonbinary.

Aqun-Athlok: Someone Born one Gender but living like another.

There is no in between for that word, for the Qun, you either take on a Masculine or Feminine role within the society.

Being Disconnected From a Culture You Were Never Part of

My Grandmother immigrated as an infant with her Mother; Father, sisters and brother to America from Italy. My Grandmother is a Immigrant but it’s plain to my eyes how disconnected she is from her Mother and Fathers culture.

The closest thing to Italian cuisine she ever makes is Spaghetti, she doesn’t speak Italian, she doesn’t participate in any Italian traditions or cultural events. Yet she still calls herself Italian and calls her children and I Italian by proxy and she can do that she’s more connected to it then I am.

I don’t consider myself Italian, I consider myself a White American. The only connection to Italy I have is through her and when she’s gone that connection will be gone because I’ve never experienced or participated in true Italian culture.

Taash is more connected to the Qun thanks to their Mother. They can kinda speak the language, cook the food and even participate in customs of the Qun but it’s obvious they’re not really into it. They do it because their Mother wants them to do it. They’re far more interested in being a Dragon Hunter and pillager for the LoF over being part of the Qun.

Hyper-fixations and Special Interests

The very first thing that tipped me off to Taash being Autistic is how they automatically start talking at long lengths about Dragons; the different types, where they live, how they hunt and what they eat.

It reminded me so much of how I talked about World of Warcraft Lore and Characters. How I could recite every sliver of lore, tell when someone didn’t play Vanilla wow just by how they said “Sylvanas WindRunner would never burn the World Tree! They ruined her character.” When I can recount multiple times seeing Forsaken in the Royal Apothecary testing plague concoctions on Horde and Alliance alike. Her resurrecting dead humans into more Forsaken for her armies and plague bombing the city of Gilneas but that’s going way off topic.

Gender Identity

I dislike getting into this discussion because of how uncomfortable it makes me because of my own Gender Dysphoria. I consider myself a Cis Woman? Kinda? Sometimes I want to be seen a cocky asshole to women but a hot bombshell to men. If that makes any sense?

^This Clothing Reference I made for a Bard OC for Baldurs Gate 3 made me experience Gender Dysphoria so bad that I stopped drawing for well over a year. Noting I’m literally shaped like one of those Pomegranate Juice Bottles and nothing like that picture.

While I can relate to Taash’s Gender Identity struggles and finding themselves. It’s not the main thing I relate to (I’m sure you’ve figured out by now.), I’m still struggling with it and I’m not ready to go down that Rabbit Hole myself.

The Emmrich Situation from a Necromancer

This is the make it or break it for if you like Taash or not. When I saw they called him a Skullfucker I laughed it off and moved on. It is out of line to call him that and it is out of line to seemingly refuse to call him Emmrich when he asks.

I cannot imagine hating them to the point of name calling, I’ve seen someone on Reddit Rage Post, calling them a “Narcissistic Spoiled Cunt”.

Taash is Autistic and with Autism comes all the very shitty draw backs of it. Including having issues expressing discomfort until it builds up and explodes out like it did with Emmrich.

I react like Taash, I keep my discomfort to myself until I have a meltdown and it’s not something I can control when it happens. I especially keep silent about my discomfort if it’s involved with a coworker I’m meant to get along with and that every one else also gets along with them. Example: Coworker won’t stop talking about politics, I don’t engage I keep it to myself because I don’t want to start any sort of confrontation. I attempt to avoid and ignore said coworker unless I need to speak with them. Finally they say one political take out of many things towards me and I finally make a complaint to my Boss. Now I’m silently raging to myself on my break about how I’m to mentally and emotionally drained from working this job why can’t they just talk about sports and their kids?

I can tell Taash kept it to herself at first and because of the lack of communication she has she resorts to name calling in hopes he’d stop talking to them. It all comes down to a melting point ends with confrontation and settles into understanding.

The funny thing about this whole interaction is that you start off with Emmrich CONSTANTLY worried about making everyone uncomfortable but when he becomes comfortable in the group he ceases to realize that he’s making Taash uncomfortable.

And don’t act like you would be comfortable talking to someone who constantly talks about dead bodies. Because IRL you wouldn’t. You would think they’re fucking weird. It’s not even just dead bodies. It’s the entire Nevvaran culture around Necromancy.

I work as a CNA, if the first thing I talked about, to complete stranger, is every single step it takes to prepare a dead body. How cold the skin is and how you have to move quickly to reposition them before rigor mortis sets in. The sound of a Death Rattle and the smell of Sulfur coming from a dying persons mouth. Or how an arm despite being totally necrotic (Avascular Necrosis) can still cause immense pain to a living person.

I would be getting looks especially if it was the only part of my job that I talked about and there is more to Emmrichs’ job and life then Necromancy. Example: PLANTS! I’ve never seen his Apothecary hobby mentioned to anyone else besides Rook until you urge them both to find something else to talk about.

That concludes my Tedd Talk, there can be civil discussion about it or none at all. I don’t feel like being judged for my personal life experiences or how I relate heavily to Taash. I kinda just want people to understand Taash the way I do.

[feminist-furby-freak]

Well can you explain Gender Ideology with who uses it and where? Can you show where I can find it? Can you describe it without conspiracy theory or recycled homophobia? You are welcome to try.

So I think some of the confusion might come from the language. I know you’re being facetious with this comment but anyway. I am literally a gender studies major so this will probably be more in depth than what you’re asking but maybe someone can benefit.

Gender Ideology™️ isn’t some sort of official concept and doesn’t have an agreed upon definition or foundational text like other social theories. It’s a way of conceptualizing sex and gender. Other analogous frameworks would be biblical gender roles, the Christian fundamentalist ideas of men and women, or postmodernist queer theory, something like Butler’s Gender Performativity.

You’re right that gender ideology is vague and non-specific and I think this is because of the interaction between academia, politics, medicine, and popular culture. Sure, academics and theorists influence society, but rarely in such a direct way (please feel free to correct me). For example, the American civil rights movement and women’s liberation movement had academic elements, but were not governed by how academics theorized race and sex, they were based on people’s lived experiences. Transgenderism, I think, is the opposite and somewhat of an escaped lab experiment. Towards the end of the 20th century, academics began to write about gender in more provocative and philosophical ways. Obviously, this was not the first time anyone had done this, but there was a huge shift in the way academic spaces thought about gender in the US after women achieved full legal rights (which didn’t happen until the 1970s btw). I’m sure the fact that women and gays/lesbians could finally be scholars and professors was important as well. Anyway, I might disagree with Butler, but her theory work is at least intellectually robust. And if you read Butler, it’s very obvious that she is first and foremost a philosopher, not a sociologist or an anthropologist, and this is clear when you hear her speak (which I’ve done btw). Contemporary transgenderism, as a social category, is a direct result of these theorists. There is a lot of misrepresenting or even rewriting history but “transgender” as we understand it today did not exist 20 years ago. We like to call people like Marsha P Johnson transgender, but he didn’t identify that way. He called himself a gay man, a cross dresser, a drag queen, a transvestite etc etc. TRAs often say “trans people have always existed” and homosexual behavior and gender nonconformity (and maybe even sex dysphoria) have always existed but trans as a concept undeniably has not. I could talk a lot more about historical falsehoods and Transgenderism but for the sake of getting to the point I’ll move on for now.

Gender ideology, is how groups like radfems refer to the Frankenstein monstrosity that is the framework Western left/progressives use today to think about gender and sex in order to be inclusive to transgender identifying people. The main ideas are that biological sex is not real and neither is sex-based oppression. It maintains that social and medical transition is necessary for transgender people to live, and that medicine is able to change someone’s biological sex (it can’t). Being transgender is not just dysphoria but some innate sense that someone’s soul is differently gendered than their biological sex (except biological sex is also somehow not real, one of many paradoxes). A woman is “someone who identifies a woman,” even though this phrase is completely meaningless. Because gender is not tied to biology sex, it relies on social ideas. As a result, gender ideology reinforces regressive gender roles and stereotypes, without which it cannot exist. 20 years ago we said boys can play with dolls and it doesn’t mean they’re gay because gender stereotypes aren’t innate and are very harmful, today “we” say that boys who play with dolls are actually girls and need to be given a pink makeover and put on medication. While society was beginning to move away from gender, gender ideology has brought it back to the center and gender is once again considered to be central to one’s identity (and personality) and maybe even the most important fact about them. For this reason “misgendering” and similar actions are considered violent attacks on personhood. Crucially, gender ideology converges with conservative gender ideals through its obsession with gender and performing femininity and masculinity.

[eldritch-bf]

Herbert West identity related headcanons:

ftm (obviously) gay and demi

if he’s 24 in 1985 then he was born in 1961 oof

I’m also using some info from the novelization as canon so he is Canadian and his parents died in a chemical fire in the house when he was 12-13

was forced to take ballet when be was 5-10 (something Jeffry Combs joked about in the commentary from Bride)

his parents were neglectful of him and didn’t really care about him wanting to have short hair or boy clothes plus they chalked it up to his presumably undiagnosed autism

realized he felt weird about the older boy in the foster home (13-18) but didn’t really understand it; mostly he is jealous when girls take away the boy’s attention; closest friend he ever had as they were alone together but Herbert knew he could never act on it so he kept those feelings to himself

he wants sex but only from someone he’s emotionally connected with which itself is rare and at the same time intellectually he considers sex to be debasing, while also being curious about the sensation and knowing the benefits of the chemicals produced during orgasm

this is coupled with the fact that at least before starting T any thought of sex or masturbation made him extremely dysphoric and repulsed so his whole relationship with sex is very complicated

he is deeply repulsed by femininity bc it reminds him of his childhood spend as his agab and the stupid gender norms his parents thrust upon him including dismissing him being a scientist just because he had the wrong parts

he is canonically annoyed by pretty much all sounds and I suspect higher pitched sounds including women’s voices are worse; lower register sounds like thunder and men’s voices can be calming to him

upon moving from Canada to the U.S. as a student at NYU he used his new name on everything and making a clean break from his old identity was a big reason why he picked a different country to study in

hated NYU and the only good thing was it was easy to synthesize testosterone

T made him so fucking horny and also eviscerated his dysphoria; man was cranking it fucking constantly for a year straight and did some of his best work before moving to Switzerland for 3 years

Dr Gruber immediately figured out what his deal was but didn’t say anything and just treated him normal and for that Herbert was extremely devoted to him; Dr Gruber also did his top surgery in Switzerland despite having never done such an operation before

Dr Gruber was the one and only member of his support system the only person who knew everything about him and understood him and accepted him, losing him was a devastating blow and Herbert decided he would keep himself closed off

Also Dr Gruber didn’t have anyone either and adored Herbert and according to the book fucking left Herbert his money when he died which paid for his tuition and moving costs etc

if I didn’t genuinely like the father/son dynamic they have, I would absolutely say he was fucking that old man

So he was cool and clipped to Dan when he first met him and when he moved in trying to keep Dan at arm’s length away but he saw how smart and hardworking Dan was and he knew how difficult it was to conduct this research alone and he desperately wanted the company

and Dan reminded him a lot of the first boy he ever had a crush on and it would give him a certain satisfaction to vicariously have his first crush through Dan yet also knowing that Dan is way better than the idiot teen boy he was in the foster home with who never gave him the time of day; he’s also pleased with the idea of dragging Dan (normal, supposedly heterosexual, law-abiding) down with him; he’s pulling the brightest kindest handsomest hardest working med student out of Miskatonic into his orbit and making Dan’s life revolve around him

literally “look at the bad bitch I pulled by being a little freak” absolute nightmare Herbert West takes personal pleasure in ruining sweaterboy Daniel Cain’s life

the chaos of everything they do is so much more important that when Dan finds out Herbert is trans and gay it doesn’t even phase him.

(Daniel Cain is bisexual and basically decided it was just easier to be pretend to be straight and get a girlfriend so he ignored his feelings for men. But now with Herbert he doesn’t have to.)

he is completely shocked by sex with Dan however despite knowing that Dan is experienced he was not prepared nor was Dan prepared for how awkward yet demanding the virginal Herbert West would be, yelling at him one moment before becoming cock stupid the next

[lord-of-the-margins]

Recent thoughts on Transgenderism

Tumblr, I think it’s time we approach the gender talk.

I’ve been very angry at liberals since about 2022. Before that (2019-2021) I was terrified of them. I grew up as a liberal in a very liberal area. I knew one moderate conservative. All I’ve known is liberal perspectives and ideologies for most of my life. I went to Evergreen State college for years (super senior). I lived in the epicenter of woke.

I’m not going to be a liberal ever again. Being around a lot of liberals, like in a city, makes me nervous. That’s how bad things have been in my little world. All the bridges have been burnt and every knife has somehow found its way into my back. I’ve since taken them out and re-calibrated my expectations.

Still, I have gender issues. They’ve gotten a lot better. And gender shit is still consuming society for no real reason other than to spread misery it seems.

Because of how horrifically poorly liberal society handles the issue of transsexualism and transgenderism, I’m scared to share the new insights I’ve made regarding gender dysphoria. The way the left fetishizes and commodifies mental illness is truly disturbing. The teenage impulse to commandeer and mimic mental illness for attention is never discouraged at any point. Not even in fully grown adults.

If I tell you what I’ve discovered, I’m afraid you will destroy yet another portion of the DSM in a misguided attempt to validate me. It is not validating. You are harming people. I needed the DSM to figure out what was happening. I needed psychologists to push back on my impulses. I’m glad they did. They can no longer do so without fear of being slandered as transphobic.

I look at the work you’ve done on behalf of the trans community and it reads as a collection of demons trying their best to fix society.

So yeah.

I like Tumblr for reasons other than politics. I don’t really want to talk about politics on here all that much. But this national gender dysphoria the younger generations all seem to have is hard to ignore. It can also be offensive. I’ve felt as offended by Zoomers and Alphas trying to be inclusive as I did from Gen X trying to hurt my feelings. So that’s been a fun little discovery I’ve made about myself and the world. Maybe you just can’t escape it. It’s part of life either way. And if you’re fucking around with gender, it’s inevitable. Maybe constant offense needs to happen just to make this demented form of self-expression that less attractive. Because a trans identity is not an attractive endeavor. It doesn’t make for attractive men and women. If you must do it, you need a thick skin just to look at yourself in the mirror let alone to hear what anyone else has to say about it. It’s signing up for a lifetime of disappointment and can only be explained through mental illness.

To conclude, what I found behind the mental illness was even more mental illness. Given liberals’ inclination to celebrate, imitate, and capitalize on mental illness, I don’t think it would be wise for me to tell you about what I did to make the pain of gender dysphoria go away.

What I will tell you is that I had to recognize that I suffered incredible abuse growing up. Truly exceptional abuse. I’ve been studying books on the matter on and off for about four years now. I had to learn a lot of new things and it was very overwhelming at first. It changed how I saw myself and even how I view reality. It’s been quite a journey.

None of the resources I used were made by anyone in the trans community. None whatsoever. All the people who helped me wrote their books in saner times. Your big gay trans social justice movement didn’t help me one bit. Just like feminism has never really helped me personally. Because exceptional people don’t need a parade to get their foot in the door.

Whenever I get close to woke people, I get nervous. I’ve gotten better at sensing that malevolent energy. Since I grew up with it, it took some time to suss it out. It took a massive fuck up, followed up with sticking to my convictions, to feel about fifty knives in my back before it finally sank in.

A lot of damage has been done and yet there are people under the left’s banner I could still care for. People who make uplifting art that has truly helped me. If I hadn’t found them, I wouldn’t have bothered writing this. So I guess this is for the innocent, the clueless, the kind.

I would only consider seriously talking about gender dysphoria with the public if and only if the DSM once again recognizes transsexualism and transgenderism as mental illnesses and the American Psychological Association allows its practitioners to discourage transitioning.

[grizzcore]

I identify AS a lesbian , that is how I perceive myself and what to me is a truth about my personal and full lived experience, I adore butches and specifically MY butch. I was known to be a lesbian at a very young age. I only had crushes on little girls, i had a huge crush on my lesbian aunts butch partner and I was not good at hiding this. (Very cute photo of me staring at Lisa available at request) I didn’t behave like a lot of little girls, I was a tomboy, I was also very clearly lesbian and this lead to being “othered” a lot , especially by adults who did not want me around their children because of my homosexuality

At age 11 I was diagnosed with gender identity disorder, and at 12 I started going by he/him pronouns and the name Oliver at my Ohio public middle school. I was technically out as agender but did later identify as a trans boy/trans man. In my teen years trauma and dysphoria complicated things for me, I dated much older women and afab NB people who did a lot of emotional damage to me , and with my trauma around lesbianism I ended up identifying as a gay trans man for a long while. From 16 to 21, this is what I considered myself publicly - though I’ll admit that on some level I always knew deep down I was a lesbian, and that I was sort of making this identify for myself to fight against that.

I identify WITH gay men , because for many years I thought that is who was, I took testosterone, which I don’t regret at all btw and would and maybe will take again one day, I love being a t lesbian- - I was with gay men intimately, both my age and much older, i was bullied for being both a lesbian and a gay man at the same time because again, I transitioned in a semi rural Ohio public middle and highschool setting starting in the year 2012/2013. i was in gay mens spaces in real life, I felt very real community with gay men and they never treated me very differently than other gay boys just for being transmasculine. Sex with them was not emotionally fulfilling me, but I did enjoy their company and companionship for a while I thought I may be asexual. (Don’t so many of us, lmao)

But No, I was most certainly a lesbian with too much trauma hanging onto that label to connect to it for a while (and many people in my direct personal life kept informing me of this, lmao, which made me double down in a very childish way)

Me and my partner are both afab and identify personally as lesbians- but on many occasions we are perceived socially as gay men because we both previously identified as gay trans men, took t and socially transitioned. Then we dated each other. I told Theo about a year in I thought I may be a lesbian and that transmasculinity to me was an extension of a lesbian gender identity and I didn’t want them to feel invalidated by this as they at the time were a binary trans man to my knowledge. They told me they felt the same way and we had one of the most eye opening and relationship strengthening conversations we’ve ever had. We’re both lesbians , with dysphoria, with no connection to a male identity- just a masculine one.

So were lesbians, who look like gay men and often are regarded as gay men by strangers , we’ve experienced homophobic violence geared toward gay men, other lesbians tend to recognize us as lesbians, but gay men - especially trans men and especially t4t trans men also recognize us as gay trans men socially - and im okay with that! i actually LIKE that.

I don’t care if people see us a lesbians or gay men or both. I have community in both places, I feel safe in both places, I have love for both communities. I have lived in both communities, been fostered and loved in both and don’t feel these communities in real life are half as separated as the internet leads many of you to believe. I was in the gay bar scene at too young an age but I am thankful for the community I feel as someone with what a lot of people could consider a pretty complex gender identity now that I’m an adult still in those spaces

And now that I’m experiencing a sort of complex gender fluidity I could only best describe as “genderfluid but the genders are ‘butch’ and ‘femme’ as genders, not male and female” where I’m exploring femme identity and my relationship to butchness is shifting back and forth, I feel a new strange sort of identification happening to me wherein a lot of people in this irl space are assuming im some sort of drag queen - which I’m ??? Not entirely sure how I feel about but i think I’m overall okay with it in a Chappell Roan femininity is performance sort of way

In short what I’m saying is : my gender is lesbian, but I am aware my SOCIALLY PERCEIVED gender is often that of a gay man, and other queer people seem to vary widely in how they perceive me and my relationship on a scale of “lesbians” to “t4t” to “gay men” often reflecting their own identity

And I’m like! Okay with that and acknowledge these identities as also being a valid part of who I am because they affect the way other people treat me in these spaces I share and the life I live.

[justanothersanjilover]

One Piece Modern Gym Au Wip (Part 10)

Zoro walked into the room first. He could hear someone rummaging in back, and saw someone bend over a few boxes, but paid no actual attention to it.

„So, where is it?“ He asked and looked for a machine.

„In the back,“ Nami answered and gestured for him to got see for himself. „I think you‘ll know what wrong when you see it. I have to go back.“

And with that, Nami left and closed the door. Zoro spun around as he heard the clicking of the lock.

„Oi! Witch! What are you doing?!“

He walked over and pulled on the door but it didn’t open. He let his fist hammer against it, but Nami didn’t come back.

„The fuck is wrong with you?!“ He yelled against the metal in front of him.

„Z…Zoro?“

The voice behind him made him freeze. Of course! Anger bubbled up inside him. Of fucking course!

„Was this your idea?“ He grumbled without turning around.

„What? I don’t…“

„Wasn’t it enough for you to come to Luffy’s place? Now you getting Nami involved? And for what?!“

„Zoro, I think you don’t understand! Let me…“

Zoro wiped around marching right into Sanji‘s space - but this time Sanji didn’t move. He stood his ground, starring Zoro in the eye. He wouldn’t back down! Not this time!

„Fine! Tell me! That the girls are right! That I‘m disgusting! That I‘m an idiot for doing it! Say it to me and then leave me be!“

Sanji looked irritated. What was he babbling on about?! The girls talked about another girl, not a ma…Oh…Oh! Sanji‘s eyes went wide. Oh shit! Why hadn’t he caught up on that earlier?! Fuck!

„Zoro…“

„Get it over with! There is no one stoping you!“

Now Sanji scoffed and took another step toward Zoro, closing the little distance they had left.

„You are an idiot!“

„I,“ Zoro started to scream - started to defend himself - and then stopped as he realized he didn’t have to. „What?“

„You‘re a fucking idiot!“ Sanji jabbed a finger against Zoro’s chest. “You actually thought this whole time, that I’m on the side of those two girls?! Even when I didn't know what exactly was going on in their conversation! I didn't even know who they were talking about, you oaf! You’re such a dumbass!”

Zoro stared at Sanji in disbelief. This whole time, he thought he had poked fun of him when he said he didn't know any new girl coming in. Wasn't it obvious they talked about him? Wasn't it obvious that he…that he’d undergo some surgery? Did he really pass that well?

“You mean…you didn't…you haven't noticed?” Zoro asked, almost to quiet for Sanji to hear.

“No! I didn't! How could I? Do you look in the mirror sometimes?!” Sanji smacked his head lightly - almost playfully. “You look so buff and mannly…how should I know?!”

He took a deep breath and a step backward to calm himself and distance himself a bit from Zoro.

“Listen, I’m sorry I made you think that I was making fun of you. That wasn't what I wanted. I really just wanted to know who they were talking about - mainly to tell that person not to listen to such idiotic words. Those girls? They need to drag others down to feel good about themself. They aren't worth your time, okay? Don't let them drag you down!”

Zoro stared at him for a solid minute and tried to understand what had just happened.

“You…you don't think I’m wrong for getting the surgery and taking hormones?”

Sanji chuckled and shook his head.

“Why should I? You are as you are. What would be the other option? You being depressed or…suicidal? I saw what dysphoria can do to a person - you are not the first trans person I met. That's why you’re so fucking dumb! If you had said anything about it, all this drama wouldn’t have happened! Did I give you any reason to think that I’m transphobic?”

“No…I just…I assumed you maybe are…the way you view women. I haven't met a guy that's not some kind of transphobic or homophobic with that attitude.”

“Well thank you very much for putting me in the same box as those assholes! You don’t even know why I treat women like I do.”

Sanji crossed his arms in front of his chest and looked to the side.

“I’m sorry…” Zoro mumbled, rubbing the back of his neck.

“Pardon? I couldn’t understand you.”

“I’m sorry, okay? Fuck, I really messed this up, didn't I?”

Sanji smiled and bumped his shoulder against Zoro’s.

“I give you another chance if you help me sort the boxes Nami needs to get over there.”

“Alright. Don't want you to exhaust yourself and get sore muscles from working too hard,” Zoro teased.

“Asshole!”

“Idiot!”

After shoving each other and giggling, they got to work. The boxes were sorted and put on the other side of the room in no time. It took Nami almost an hour to get back and open the door.

The picture she got was quite something. Zoro sat against the wall, legs crossed in front of him. His head hung low because he was asleep. Sanji was pressed against his side, arms crossed over his chest, head resting against Zoro’s shoulder. She smiled softly while taking a picture with her phone.

prev | next

First Part

[hellfireswhore]

Broken Ribs (pt.2)

Carl Grimes X FTM! Reader

Summary: Over time, Carl Grimes grew on you. You finally realized you had feelings for him and planned to admit them to him, but things didn’t go as planned.

Warnings: Angst, fluff, language, violence, dysphoria, self-harm, suicidal thoughts

Pronouns: He/Him

(Part one here)

»»————-　♡　————-««

Ever since you joined Ricks's group, you’ve been through a lot of traumatic events.

The governor, the prison falling apart, getting separated from the group, some of the group members that you called family passing, and Terminus.

It all changed when you found Alexandria.

A secure and safe camp where your group could stay and hopefully even settle.

It was difficult to settle for you due to all the incidents that have happened in Alexandria. Especially being attacked by people with W’a on their forehead, the walls collapsing causing walkers to break in, and lastly, Carl’s eye getting shot out.

You were there for all of it.

Carl was your best friend. He was there for you when you were both complete strangers to each other. You had to be there for him like he was when your ribs broke back at the prison.

Every incident brought you closer together. Although, it made you gain feelings for the brunette boy. You realized this when he was in danger. You couldn’t live with the regret of not being completely honest with him if he was gone.

The problem was he and this girl named Enid also grew close to each other.

This made you realize you needed to do it now or never.

You refuse to lose him.

“Michonne, I’m terrified.” You spoke to the women pacing around your room in the house you shared with Rick, Michonne, Judith, and Carl. “What if he says no? And I just ruined our friendship?” You continued. Michonne was absorbing this with her arms crossed, smiling, eyes following your anxious movements. “Y/N, after all, you’ve been through, this is your biggest concern?” She spoke.

“This is different! I’ve never felt like this!” You replied, starting to bite your nails, continuing to pace. “Awe yes, a teenager in love with their best friend. A mixture of feelings. But hey-“ Michonne stopped you in your tracks, making you and her make direct eye contact.

“If you don’t do this, it will eat you up. You have the choice to share how you truly feel, not a lot of people have that choice. No matter what happens, Carl will still be a part of your life because you are a part of his and ours.”

Michonne’s words gave you the exact motivation you needed.

You nodded in agreement and she pulled you into a comforting hug to reassure you, no matter what happens, it’s gonna be okay.

“Now, Go! Before the walkers get 'em!” Michonne piled you back causing you to gasp. “Don’t joke like that, dude!” You lightly pushed her shoulder causing her to chuckle. “But seriously, I saw him head over the walls, you should hurry before it gets dark.”

“Are you kidding?!” You burst out. You grabbed your bag and quickly head out of the house towards the walls.

You started to climb over the Alexandrian walls with caution to avoid getting caught by the guards. Once out, you started to walk into the woods.

You have no clue where he’d be, so, you used your knowledge of tracking that Daryl taught you back at the prison. Daryl was like an uncle to you with all honesty and you appreciated how he tried to understand your gender identity. Same thing with Rick, although, he’s like a father figure. You loved your found family.

Pulling out of your thoughts you heard a conversation from afar. With instinct, you approach quietly and hid behind a tree. You focused your eyes on the conversation and saw two people.

It was Carl!

And…Enid?

“I thought he was alone?” You thought to yourself. You were hoping to find him alone so you could admit your feelings. But, time had other plans.

“We’ve been walking for forever, can we please stop?” Carl announced. Enid stopped in her tracks. “Sorry, I have a lot on my mind.” She replied. “What’s up?” Carl replied. Enid turned to face Carl, “I’ve been thinking about you..a lot lately.”

What the hell is that supposed to mean??

You continued to hide behind the tree, still eavesdropping on Carl and Enid. Your heart started to pick up a little.

“How so?” Carl replied. Enid moved closer towards Carl, “I don’t know if I can bring myself to speak it.” She paused, “But I can show you.”

Your eyes widen at the sight.

Enid is kissing Carl

Your Carl Grimes.

Your heart is aching, feeling as if it’s bleeding. The more you stand there, staring at them. Your eyes water, threatening to spill.

You slowly back away from your hiding place. You had to get out of here. You couldn’t stand to see this any longer. Although, you overlooked a tree root picking out the ground, causing you to fall backward.

Carl turns around, breaking the kiss. Hand on his holster ready to defend himself, but, he only saw you.

“Y/N?” Carl spoke. But before he could say anything else, You got up and ran off. “Y/N, wait!” He yelled, wanting to go after you. Then, he felt a hand on his wrist, resisting him to chase after you. “Let him go. He’s fine. He only fell.”

Carl turned around, but his face was serious. “Are you kidding me? He’s alone. I’m not leaving him out here.” “But you’ll leave me out here?!” Enid added.

Carl huffed in frustration, “Y/N is my-“ Carl paused, catching his words “-I need to know he’s okay…just go home.” He finished, walking away from Enid to find you.

You ran.

You ran as far as your body could take you.

It was now dark and you could barely see anything or anyone in sight.

Your legs became limp, letting your body fall into the grass.

You had no idea how long you’d been running. You'd do it again if it kept your mind after what you just witnessed.

You were too late.

When that thought came to mind, you broke down. Tears spilled from your eyes. Your lips shaking and your breathing is uneven. A pain grew in your chest. Making you realize you are back to where you started.

Overbinding.

But, this time, you didn’t care.

Dysphoria already made you want to cause harm to yourself, but the mixture of heartbreak, made you want to die.

Hyperventilating took over you and you didn’t even notice the walker in front of you. But, you didn’t care. If you couldn’t be who you wanted to be with someone you loved, you didn’t want to be here anymore.

Suddenly, the walker was stabbed in the head, falling to the ground revealing a boy with a sheriff's hat, Carl Grimes.

“Y/N! Y/N, are you okay?” The boy questioned, fear written on his face. You didn’t answer, only your hard, fast breaths came out. Carl was checking for injuries on you. He lifted up your shirt to examine more and only saw the bandages on your chest. He remembers Hershel informing him of this binding technique. Concern falls onto his face.

“I thought you stopped binding like this? We need to get this off of you. You’re breathing is uneven.” You started to cry again, making Carl treat you carefully. “I know, I know, I'm sorry. But I need you in one piece okay?”

Oddly enough, you weren’t crying because of the bandages coming off, but Carl decreased your dysphoria. Maybe it was because you felt like yourself and didn’t have to prove that you were a boy, because, through his eyes, he sees you as a man.

But your tears spilled because you couldn’t have him like this daily.

He finished removing the bandages and covered you back. You continued to cry still lying in the grass. “Please don’t cry, Y/N. I hate seeing you cry.” Carl spoke softly, reaching to pick you up from the ground into a hug. You hugged him back, crying Into his shoulder. He ran his hands over your back hoping it would calm you down.

Why was Y/N still crying? Was it the dysphoria? The close-to-death experience? Hun seeing Enid kiss Carl-

Wait…

Carl ran a Problem in his head. It couldn’t have been the dysphoria. You’ve mentioned to him once or twice you’re comfortable not binding around him. And the walker? It was only one. You could’ve taken that walker out like that, even in this state. The kiss? Why else would you have run away and ignored his calls toward you.

It all started to click.

After a few minutes, your cries turned into soft sniffles. Once he realized you were calm, he pulled back to see your face but kept his hands on you.

“Y/N, be honest, why were you there with Enid and me? Carl questioned. Your heart picked up, fear picking itself back up. Where did your confidence go?

“It’s okay, I'm not mad. You can tell me.” Carl reassured. Those words gave a tiny amount of strength. You already knew who we wanted, so why not just admit it.

“I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but…I wanted to tell you that I’ve grown to care for you. Deeply. Like..” you paused, preparing to spit out the words you’ve wanted to say for so long.

“I love you, Carl Grimes.”

You lowered your face, hiding your watery eyes from him. “I-I know you like Enid, but I wanted to tell you because you deserve to know.” You stuttered. Lips beginning to shake again.

“I don’t want, Enid.” Carl broke the silence. You froze in place, trying to process what he just said. Suddenly, you felt hands on your cheeks, lifting your face to see Carl. Your eyes were focused on his, noses almost touching, you could practically feel his breath.

“I want you, Y/N. It’s always been you.” Those words were enough to make you close the distance. Carl instantly kissed you back, making you put your hands on his hands which were still on your cheek. You pulled away for air but kept your forehead against Carl. He grazed his thumbs over your cheeks, removing your cheek-stained tears, and smiled.

“I’m so in love with you, Y/N L/N.”

»»————-　♡　————-««

A/N: I decided to continue to "Broken Ribs" one-shot into a part two bc I kinda left a cliffhanger in the original and couldn't do yall like that! This is the final part so there will be no more updates on this scenario. But, I will continue to write an FTM reader for Carl! just other scenarios. I hope yall enjoyed this!!! Also, I do accept requests so id love to hear what yall would like to see! (atm only for TWD)

[cobainqueer]

Reclaiming the Past: was Kurt Cobain trans? By: Daniel Rowley

Queer identities have frequently been erased from history, but we have always existed.

For sexuality, this is easier to evidence without causing a stir — we accept that men fucked men and women loved women in Ancient Greece, though it says much of the modern heteropatriarchal understanding of gender that we understand these relationships in these terms.

By viewing sex as enforcing power imbalance, and love as something separate and pure, the assertion is that ‘cultural differences’ mean these relationships are not queer. The academic equivalent of ‘No Homo’.

However, queer people see themselves in these examples through history, and there is nothing to say these people would not see themselves in us too.

Our current culture centres labelling and coming out as core experiences, and thus the metric by which it is appropriate to call someone gay or trans, whether they say or do something relatable to that experience or not. But this is grounded in the experiences of the living — living people must be given space to come to their own conclusions about their identity and disclose it on their own terms.

The dead do not have this luxury.

Whether they would have eventually come out or not, we only have textual evidence to go off when asserting whether someone from history may or may not have been gay or trans, and it does no harm to use modern terminology to do so. It allows new generations to feel less alone if we describe such people in ways relatable to them, and when we do not our culture assumes an identity as the default regardless.

This is where we come to Kurt Cobain.

There is a wealth of textual evidence for the fact that he experienced gender dysphoria in his published journals and other personal accounts. These journals were largely written between 1989 and 1990.

In interviews, he spoke of being confused regarding his sexuality because of how deeply he related to girls:

“Yeah, I even thought that I was gay. I thought that might be the solution to my problem.”

The mistaken belief that femininity would mean he was gay makes sense within the strict view of gender norms when he was growing up, and the way he rationalises it in the 90s has not evolved much. It is a part of him he has tried to make piece with but is still more intimate than external appearance.

“Throughout my life, I’ve always been really close with girls and made friends with girls. And I’ve always been a really sickly, feminine person anyhow, so I thought I was gay for a while because I didn’t find any of the girls in my high school attractive at all.”

Imagery around birth seems to fascinate him in both his journals and lyrics. The male seahorse giving birth is something many trans feminine people will relate to through the gender dysphoria around wishing to experience pregnancy.

The song Been A Son includes the lyrics ‘She should have been a son’ and the way it repeats has striking similarity to the later song True Trans Soul Rebel by trans woman Laura Jane Grace, instead reflected at the self — ‘you should’ve been a mother, you should’ve been a wife, you should’ve been gone from here years ago, you should be living a different life’.

You Know You’re Right? similarly contains the lyric, ‘She just wants to love himself’.

Many of Kurt’s songs appear to be conversational between ‘male’ and ‘female’ persona’s with the male aspects taking on more negative qualities.

“I definitely feel closer to the feminine side of the human being than I do the male — or the American idea of what a male is supposed to be.”

He always refers to himself as ‘male’ not ‘a man’, and also writes about wishing he had breasts — the most obvious sign of gender dysphoria within his writing:

Here he mentions his breasts lactating, and adds that he continued to enjoy playing with dolls while his peers were undergoing puberty:

We can never truly know how he might have identified. Which is fitting with the quote:

“I’m not a man, I’m a miserable pile of secrets.”

Though it should be seen as just as bad to assume someone is cisgender as to assume they are trans. It is only speaking ill of the dead if you believe transness itself to be bad.

I am not asserting that he was trans. This is merely an analysis of his own words through a queer lens — one many trans people find deeply relatable to their own experiences and see a form of kinship in.

[poisonappleeater]

Regina x Trans Male Reader !!

regina mills x trans male reader (reminder that this is just in relation to my personal transmasc experience, everyone’s can be vastly different!!)

prompt: regina helping you out w/ dysphoria after rumplestiltskin says some crazy transphobic shit (takes place in storybrooke)

i also tried to not actually trigger anyones gender dysph lmaooooo so i do not get specific about it

Rumplestiltskin looked you up and down with a cold stare.

“I believe that you’re to use the women’s bathroom, dearie.” You felt your face go hot with frustration (and maybe even some embarrassment). God dammit. You just wanted to wash your hands in peace. To be quick and quiet was the best option, so you took a deep breath and scrubbed the soap off your hands with much more vigor and velocity than you had just a few seconds before. The water scalded your hands and turned them a little pinker. Mr. Gold scoffed through his nose.

“Even your low pain tolerance agrees that you are not a man, and it’s likely that you never will be.” Silence no longer felt like your best option. You’d come to Storybrooke as soon as your best friend, Aurora had told you that it would be easier to live as yourself, as a man, in a more modern realm. You didn’t consider that Rumplestiltskin would be trying to get under, well, your skin.

You spoke, as lowly as possible, “What would you know about being a man? You sacrifice your relationships for power. What does that make you?” His gaze faltered, and you felt like you had gotten to him. You also felt just a bit concerned for your safety. Gold took a steady breath and a thourough pause.

“I think that makes me a powerful man. At least more powerful than you. Correct? I recall you coming to me for guidance.” You scoffed, but your lip auivered. Seeking help from Rumplestiltskin back in the Enchanted Forest didn’t make you any less of a man. Everyone had at least once looked for help from the Dark One. Before a salty tear could escape your eye, you fled the men’s restroom and stepped foot back into the welcoming, red-and-blue ambience of Granny’s Diner. You released a shaky sigh and looked for your girlfriend.

Regina. There she was. Even the thought of her made your cheeks warm, despite your prior encounter with Gold. She was chatting comfortably with the Charming’s. Your need for your girlfriend’s warmth made you nearly start running towards your table. She spotted you instantly and smiled genuinely. It was clear you were equally enamored with one another.

“Hey, Y/N,” Regina greeted warmly. She noticed how fast you were walking.

“Hey, hey, slow down, it’s okay.” The well-dressed woman placed a hand on your back and guided you to sit beside her in the booth’s cushiony seat, with your leg touching hers. Regina laughed a little at the sight of you adorably speed-walking to the table. Taking a second glance at you, though, she could tell something bothered you. Your girlfriend’s face darkened with concern.

“Did something happen in the bathroom sweetheart?” Her arm wrapped further around you. Her line of sight travelled behind you when Rumplestiltskin came out of the bathroom.

“That son of a bitch.” Gina was livid. She tried to fathom how Rumplestiltskin could have possibly threatened her boyfriend. He could be up to literally anything. The vein above her right brow bulged so severely you thought it’d burst. You had to admit, her anger was hot. You felt her starting to stand up.

“No, no, Gina. It’s really okay,” you reassured. “No magical threats or sketchy deals were made. Promise.” The woman with burgendy lips looked into your eyes to ensure that you told the truth.

“Okay.” She sighed and crossed her arms, then sat down to kiss your cheek. You leaned in happily. The rest of dinner with the Charmings allowed the two of you to forget about Rumplestiltskin.

…

You locked the front door behind you and Regina and were suddenly too aware of your own body. Friendly chatter from Emma, Killian, David, Snow, and Henry filled your ears just minutes ago. And now, the quiet of Regina’s home flooded your mind with the words of Runplestiltskin.

“Hey, Y/N, baby?” Regina had both hands around your cheeks. You were sitting on the couch. You don’t remember moving at all since getting home. “I was asking you about a movie you wanted to watch, but-“

“Yes! Yeah, I’m sorry. We wanted to watch that movie. I’d love to,” you blurted. You gave your lover a half-smile.

“No. Gold said something to you. He’s plaguing your pretty little head,” she cooed. She sat down beside you and provided you with space to talk with her properly. You smiled at the gesture.

“It was nothing new. He said that I’m not a man. I can’t do anything about that. I feel like a man, but I don’t have the parts.” Regina intook your words with great conscience. Her glossy eyes looked into yours. She spoke after contemplating for a moment.

“If there’s anything I’ve learned from this realm, it’s that rules that we used to abide by back home were not laws of nature. They were laws made by people. And people can be so stupid, my love. That means that we, as smarter people, are allowed to live by rules that fit our logic. And according to my logic, you’re a man, sweetheart, regardless of what body you have. I know that because that’s what you’ve told me, that’s how you truly feel, and that’s how I think of you. You are whatever you think yourself to be. I love you for it, my sweet boy.”

“I love you, Gina. Thank you.” She took her time to memorize your handsome face for the thousandth time.

“Can I come close to you?” your lover asked, gently. You nodded and placed your head in her neck. she took you into her arms and stroked your hair.

“I still want to kill him,” Regina confessed. Her sharp words contradicted the gentle pets that she gave you.

You laughed. “Sure, Gina, just not today.” She couldn’t be upset when you were so calm and cute. Regina kissed your head and chuckled into your ear. You loved the sound of her laugh and the smell of her shampoo. Apple. So fitting.

“Okay, not today,” she sighed lightheartedly. “How about that movie?”

…

Soon, you had both showered and gotten ready for bed. There was no better feeling to you than being clean, on the couch, with your girlfriend about to watch a movie. You laid atop her chest while her legs entrapped your middle. Rumplestiltskin’s comments remained forgotten, and you and Regina remained content.

—

Hope this was okay!! Feel free to comment on anything, if anyone sees this. I’m kinda new to actually writing ff

[wearequeer-andwearehere]

hii there! :)

can i b a trans guy without medically transitioning? i cant for a good many years, but also,,, i dont want to (i have several adjacent health issues that would make it difficult, also i’m neutral abt my body - i dont really have dysphoria over it and it doesn’t bother me). but i’m terrified that i’ll never be taken seriously. i don’t mind being misgendered by strangers or acquaintances (i’d actually describe myself as genderqueer if i technically had to, it’s not the label i identify with but it makes the most sense like objectively. i’m happy w/ he/him but ok with they, she, etc), but i would like it if my friends would see me as a guy. but i’m also scared to even like, ask that of them. bc i really really don’t look like a guy, or even slightly androgynous, and i kind of have this sucky internal mindset that i won’t be seen as a real guy unless i make an effort to look like one, even though that’s not what i want. i’m working on it, but it’s also… my romantic life plays a big role in it. i’m currently identifying to a lesbian to my friends bc i like girls. and it’s just girls that i like. so if I live true to myself and do say that i’m a guy, I’m also like… who would want to date me, because i’m a guy who uses he/him pronouns and ‘male’ terminology like boyfriend, but physically, i have a lot of ‘girl’ features, like big boobs, and i don’t want bottom surgery either (neutral abt my body), so i just really don’t know. it’s really hurting me bc when i realised I was queer i thought I’d find a home in the queer community and i did, for the first time ever, but as I’ve thought about my identity a bit more all my queerness causes me is stress bc I’m constantly worried that no one not even other queer people will ever take me seriously or allow me to use the labels I use or will ever want to date me (bc… like, I’m not straight, but also how can I call myself a lesbian if I consider myself a guy? It’s all complicated, to me, but I feel like I’ll be ostracised from lesbians for not being enough of a girl — even though my gender is complicated and trans guy is just the best way to explain it and the best label that fits for me — and ostracised from trans people for not being trans enough and ahhhh I’m just. Really stressed about it all, and am constantly wishing I could just be true to myself, even within the queer community, but don’t know how to…

Hey, listen to me. You have a place in the queer community, okay? If you say you’re queer, you’re queer and we love and accept you.

Yes, you can ABSOLUTELY be a trans guy without medically transitioning! I understand with health issues it can be difficult for some people. However, you do NOT need to justify your choice to me, or to anybody, okay? If you don’t want to medically transition, then don’t medically transition! That’s the end of it. Being trans is about just being Not Cis. Transitioning medically is part of it for some people, but maybe it’s not for you, and that’s okay! You can still be trans.

A lot of queer AFAB people who start to realise they might be more masc aligned start feeling guilty, wondering if they’re predatory. I also experienced this. I used to identify as a bisexual girl, then nonbinary, then I started realising I felt more like a guy. I was terrified. I didn’t want to be a creepy straight guy, I didn’t want to make the women around me or women I was attracted to feel unsafe.

Eventually I realised, it’s not BEING MALE that makes you creepy, it’s being a CREEPY guy. It’s a mindset that’s a bit hard to put into words. Being male and being attracted to women is not inherently creepy. It’s only creepy if you’re weird about it, and it’s very easy not to be.

Some lesbians might ostracise you, that’s true. However, the vast majority of the lesbian community has a long history of transmasc and trans guy lesbians. The queer community is about love and support no matter your identity. You are loved.

Seeing someone as a certain gender because of their body parts is something people can get over. I might look feminine, but I know my friends and partner see me as a guy because that’s who I am to them, a friend, a brother, a boyfriend.

If your friends can’t see you as a guy because of something as unimportant as your body, then that’s on them.

“Who would want to date me” there’s people who would, trust me. Look, when you have low self esteem, especially if you’re trans and your self hatred is related to that, it’s hard to believe you’re loveable, but believe me, you are.

I still struggle with dysphoria and wonder why anyone would love me when I’m a guy but I feel like I don’t look like one, but my partner always assures me I’m loveable, and you deserve that too.

Trans people can find loving, caring partners who love you not inspite of your transness but because it’s part of who you are and they love YOU.

Kid, be yourself. You’re welcome in the queer community. Be true to yourself, be who you are, and you’ll find the right friends and the right partner.

I hope you have a good day/night, and I’m sending so so much love. May a ray of sunlight shine upon you sometime soon, my friend. Sending warmth <33