#was that he’s demi but sex gives him dysphoria before he starts T

[eldritch-bf]

Herbert West identity related headcanons:

ftm (obviously) gay and demi

if he’s 24 in 1985 then he was born in 1961 oof

I’m also using some info from the novelization as canon so he is Canadian and his parents died in a chemical fire in the house when he was 12-13

was forced to take ballet when be was 5-10 (something Jeffry Combs joked about in the commentary from Bride)

his parents were neglectful of him and didn’t really care about him wanting to have short hair or boy clothes plus they chalked it up to his presumably undiagnosed autism

realized he felt weird about the older boy in the foster home (13-18) but didn’t really understand it; mostly he is jealous when girls take away the boy’s attention; closest friend he ever had as they were alone together but Herbert knew he could never act on it so he kept those feelings to himself

he wants sex but only from someone he’s emotionally connected with which itself is rare and at the same time intellectually he considers sex to be debasing, while also being curious about the sensation and knowing the benefits of the chemicals produced during orgasm

this is coupled with the fact that at least before starting T any thought of sex or masturbation made him extremely dysphoric and repulsed so his whole relationship with sex is very complicated

he is deeply repulsed by femininity bc it reminds him of his childhood spend as his agab and the stupid gender norms his parents thrust upon him including dismissing him being a scientist just because he had the wrong parts

he is canonically annoyed by pretty much all sounds and I suspect higher pitched sounds including women’s voices are worse; lower register sounds like thunder and men’s voices can be calming to him

upon moving from Canada to the U.S. as a student at NYU he used his new name on everything and making a clean break from his old identity was a big reason why he picked a different country to study in

hated NYU and the only good thing was it was easy to synthesize testosterone

T made him so fucking horny and also eviscerated his dysphoria; man was cranking it fucking constantly for a year straight and did some of his best work before moving to Switzerland for 3 years

Dr Gruber immediately figured out what his deal was but didn’t say anything and just treated him normal and for that Herbert was extremely devoted to him; Dr Gruber also did his top surgery in Switzerland despite having never done such an operation before

Dr Gruber was the one and only member of his support system the only person who knew everything about him and understood him and accepted him, losing him was a devastating blow and Herbert decided he would keep himself closed off

Also Dr Gruber didn’t have anyone either and adored Herbert and according to the book fucking left Herbert his money when he died which paid for his tuition and moving costs etc

if I didn’t genuinely like the father/son dynamic they have, I would absolutely say he was fucking that old man

So he was cool and clipped to Dan when he first met him and when he moved in trying to keep Dan at arm’s length away but he saw how smart and hardworking Dan was and he knew how difficult it was to conduct this research alone and he desperately wanted the company

and Dan reminded him a lot of the first boy he ever had a crush on and it would give him a certain satisfaction to vicariously have his first crush through Dan yet also knowing that Dan is way better than the idiot teen boy he was in the foster home with who never gave him the time of day; he’s also pleased with the idea of dragging Dan (normal, supposedly heterosexual, law-abiding) down with him; he’s pulling the brightest kindest handsomest hardest working med student out of Miskatonic into his orbit and making Dan’s life revolve around him

literally “look at the bad bitch I pulled by being a little freak” absolute nightmare Herbert West takes personal pleasure in ruining sweaterboy Daniel Cain’s life

the chaos of everything they do is so much more important that when Dan finds out Herbert is trans and gay it doesn’t even phase him.

(Daniel Cain is bisexual and basically decided it was just easier to be pretend to be straight and get a girlfriend so he ignored his feelings for men. But now with Herbert he doesn’t have to.)

he is completely shocked by sex with Dan however despite knowing that Dan is experienced he was not prepared nor was Dan prepared for how awkward yet demanding the virginal Herbert West would be, yelling at him one moment before becoming cock stupid the next

[airagorncharda]

So tomorrow I’m getting top surgery!! Here’s some TMI thoughts on that, so I can get it out of my system! Or, as my friend put it, “Get it off [my] chest, eyyyyyy” (finger guns included)

So I’ve known that I wanted top surgery since I was at LEAST 16, and I have evidence that I had chest related dysphoria from as early as when I developed breasts. Which for me was like age 11. I’m excited about this finally happening, since I’m fucking 27 now, so it’s BEEN A LONG TIME COMING.

And my fiance is taking 2 weeks off to take care of me, which is great and basically takes all pressure off of me for my recovery. I took care of him after his surgery too, but still, I’m enormously grateful that he’s able to.

People keep asking me if I’m nervous or if I’m scared or if I’m excited. And the answer is yes, but maybe not in the ways people expect? And it’s all been rattling around in my head, so I figured I should just write it down. This way it’s no longer rattling around in my head, and also I’ll have a record of it for 10 years from now when I’ve inevitably forgotten most of this. And maybe other people will benefit from reading this too (whether it’s my friends who care what’s up with me, trans people wondering what it’s like for other trans people the day before surgery, or cis people who are curious and want to learn more about The Trans Experience [TM]). 

Issue #1

My parents want to be there at the hospital for the surgery, which is... a mixed bag? I do love my parents and they want to be supportive of me, and (maybe more than that) they’re scared for me because surgery is scary (more so to them than to me). And it’ll be nice to see them and it’s nice of them to want to be there, and it’s nice that they’re going to be doing grocery shopping and stuff too. I appreciate it all a lot. Buuut when my fiance had his surgery it ended up being just me at the hospital and it was VERY low stress as a result, so I’m a little worried having three people there (and having it be them) is going to be a source of stress? 

Also they’ve been supportive of me my whole life in so many ways, but me being trans is really not one of those ways. They’ve been VERY hesitant to support me about this in any way, and even though they’ve finally come around to seeing me as a guy, I’m still very wary of the whole issue with them. It’s taken so long, and been so frustrating, and I don’t have the energy to deal with that right now, nor should I have to when I’m FINALLY getting my surgery that I would have gotten YEARS ago if it weren’t for THEIR baggage and issues about my being trans.

Because of all that, I both appreciate their support, and also feel like it’s... I don’t know, too little too late to have the effect it should rightly have? I don’t feel like they support me as a trans person, I feel like they’ve just figured out they can’t stop me and grudgingly accepted that. So while I’m glad they WANT to support me, I don’t actually feel supported by them.

Issue #2 (where the TMI part starts to happen)

I really really really don’t want to lose sensation in my nipples. I enjoy sex and I enjoy nipple stimulation, and it’s one of the only things about my chest I’ve ever LIKED. It’s one of the reasons I’m choosing to get the type of procedure I’m getting (Inverted-T/T-Anchor), but even WITH this type of procedure, there’s STILL A CHANCE that I’ll lose sensation. Nerves aren’t in the same place in all people, and they’re microscopic so they might get cut depending on where in my tissue they are, so it’s possible that after tomorrow I’m never going to have sensation in my nipples again which is slightly freaking me out and makes me want to cry. 

The idea of not getting top surgery at all and having breasts forever makes me want to not exist, so there’s no contest, but if I do lose sensation I’ll be really upset about that. I’ve been avoiding focusing on it too much but it’s definitely stressing me out, and I’m not going to know one way or another until after I’m healing. 

Issue #3 

While I’m recovering, I’m going to be spending a lot of time in bed propped up on wedge pillows and unable to lift most things (anything over 5lbs is too much). This means that my cats, who love cuddling me and climbing up on my chest, are going to have to be exiled from our bedroom while I recover, which is of course when I’ll MOST want to cuddle them. I’m sad about that, and trying to get in as many kitty cuddles as I can before tomorrow.

Issue #4

I have come to the conclusion that I’m nonbinary, and while that has no effect on my desire to get top surgery, it DOES mean that how I talk about getting top surgery with people who don’t know I’m nonbinary (like my parents and my doctors) feels sort of uncomfortable and weird. 

Breasts don’t make anybody a gender, they just exist. The reason I’m getting mine removed is that they cause me physical discomfort through dysphoria, NOT because I’m a man (which I’m sort of not). I don’t like that people assume that getting them removed is going to make me feel more like a man, or that surgical transition means I’m binary. 

Issue #5 (more TMI)

And, relatedly, there are days and situations when I LIKE having breasts. I like they way they feel when they’re touched (especially during sex). I find them sort of amusing when I’m lying down and I can jiggle them. I find it hilarious that my cats like kneading on them, and I sometimes like cupping them with my hands and looking at my cleavage. 

I DON’T like looking at my body with them. I don’t like the way they feel when they move (especially during sex). I don’t like the way they feel against my arms when I’m trying to sleep, or they way they fit into clothing, or how clothing looks on me because of them, or the way I get acne on the underside of them because of sweat. 

But there ARE things about them I like, and on days when I feel less masculine, or when I’m relating really strongly to a character who has breasts, or when I’m having sex, I like things about having them that I’m never going to experience again after tomorrow, and that’s a little scary.

Issue #6

I didn’t get my newer laptop keyboard fixed, or my tablet fixed, so I won’t be able to make art, and I’ll be relegated to my old laptop for writing while I recover. This isn’t a big issue but it’s just mildly annoying. I prioritized other things (getting my car fixed, having a relaxing holiday, etc.), and I don’t regret it, but I do wish I had my tablet working.

Issue #7

When I got my wisdom teeth out, they gave me laughing gas to fall unconscious, and it gave me tunnel vision and totally freaked me out, and those like 3 seconds were the worst medical experience of my life. I'm nervous about that, because I don’t know if they’ll be giving me that again. 

Issue #8 (more TMI)

I’ve been temporarily off T for a while, and I currently have my period. Which is not timed very well, and I’ll have to figure out how to either put in a tampon without really moving my arms too much, or I’ll have to suffer with wearing pads and panties instead of boxers for a couple days, which will suck either way. Obviously I need to make sure if I’m wearing a tampon that it doesn’t stay in too long, which may be complicated since the medication I’ll be on for the first few days is likely to make me sleep a lot. On the other hand, panties are fucking uncomfortable and I’m not even sure I own any anymore. I could put a pad into a pair of boxers since I’m going to be barely moving? Or I could just layer a few old towels under me and give up. At least I’ve had it for a few days so it won’t be so heavy.

Now on to the things that are exciting:

Excitement #1

Not having fucking breasts, holy shit! 

As I said, I don’t like looking at my body with breasts, the way they feel when they move, the way they feel against my arms when I’m trying to sleep, they way they fit into clothing, how clothing looks on me because of them, or underboob sweat and the acne it causes. And without them, I won’t have to deal with any of that bullshit anymore!!

I’ll be able to fucking go clothes shopping and not want to burst into tears! I’ll be able to figure out what my actual preferred wardrobe aesthetic even IS and (since I asked for and received a bunch of clothing store gift cards for Christmas) I can actually BUY CLOTHES ACCORDINGLY for the first time in like 15 years (rather than just buying what’s cheapest and fits, that I don’t hate, like I have been).

Excitement #2

Sleep without dysphoria. I get dysphoria related insomnia periodically and it’s 99% of the time about my chest and how they feel against my arm or how I can’t lie on my front with them in the way or just literally that they exist, and then I get into a mental spiral about it and I can’t sleep. I am SO EXCITED to never have to deal with that bullshit again.

Excitement #3

Passing publicly. 

I have a lot of anxiety around being percieved as a woman, and despite having a short mustache and beard, I still sometimes get misgendered. Not having tits is going to help that, and it will make it way easier for me to go outside and be around people I don’t know without anxiety. 

Excitement #4

As I’ve said, my parents took a long long time to accept that I’m a guy. And while I am nonbinary, I’m on the demi-boy/trans masculine side of being nonbinary, so I still used he/him pronouns and would prefer for most people to think of me as a guy, or at least that masculine is preferable to feminine. My parents (and other people in my life outside my friend group) took a long time to use the right pronouns and the right name, and I think my parents especially only really accepted it once I was on T and started visually changing in a way they could really SEE.

So I’m basically excited for the prospect of my parents maybe fully accepting me even more than they have thus far. I don’t know if it’ll be something that I can observe, but at least it will be something I’ll feel like is happening.

Excitement #5

Spooning. Being big spoon with breasts has it’s own appeal, but I already know I’m going to enjoy it more without them.

Excitement #6

Swimming. I want so badly to be able to swim without tits. Both because I will be able to go to the beach and not be immediately misgendered, AND because swimming with tits is just... it’s honestly just uncomfortable? And I get like sand and seaweed under them?? And I hate it?? 

Excitement #7 

Looking at myself in the mirror. 

I honestly just don’t do that at this point, because it causes dysphoria. I’d really like to be able to see what I look like. If that means I decide to change other things (exercise more or get a tattoo or literally anything) then that’s cool, but mostly I just... have barely even really looked at my own body in years and I’m excited to be able to.

I have a very hard time perceiving what I actually LOOK like, in terms of overall shape as well as attractiveness or anything, because my brain hyperfocuses on my breasts and they skew the whole image. I want that to be gone, and after tomorrow... it actually finally, FINALLY will be.

Excitement #8

All the comfort foods I’m gonna get to eat while recovering. I’m looking forward to mac and cheese, baked turkey and chicken, pudding cups, egg custard, mashed potatoes, ginger ale, and ice cream. My parents are going to bring over groceries which is going to be tremendously helpful and also makes me feel sort of like a little kid being actually taken care of when I was sick, which was nice. Getting active support from my parents is a weird sort of guilty pleasure. They support me in a lot of ways, but they’re also usually busy and I’m not good at asking for support from them either, so it doesn’t often happen at this point.

Excitement #9

My fiance has TWO WEEKS OFF to take care of me, which means we get to chill out in bed for two week, playing Pokemon and Tales of Berseria (which we got for Christmas), and watching Galaxy Quest and Ever After and Pride and Prejudice (which I also asked for for Christmas), and hanging out. I’m excited for him to be able to have a nice break and I’m excited to chill out with him even if it’s while I’ll be drugged up and recovering.

And on to some things that are neither exciting nor issues:

Thing #1

I was supposed to have a noon appointment, and on Friday they called and said they’d rescheduled it to earlier in the morning? Apparently they can and do reschedule surgeries without asking the patient first?? This seems really fucked up to me, BUT I’m glad that my appointment is earlier because it gives me a better chance of being able to go home the same day.

Thing #2 

My parents are going to be there for my surgery, and then when the doctor tells us what we need to get from the drug store, my fiance is taking me home and THEY’RE going to go buy all the stuff and bring it over. That way he doesn’t have to stop at CVS on the way home with me in the car, or leave me at home to go get them. I highly recommend this for anyone who has surgery, and more than one person willing to look after them.

Thing #3

I hope I’m awake and mentally with it enough to at least listen to my DnD group the day after my surgery. I’m totally not going to be, but I hope I am. I haven’t had to miss a session yet, and I love playing DnD with these guys!

Thing #4

I hope I can at least come downstairs some to hang out around my cats and the Christmas tree before it gets taken down for the season. I love how our tree always looks, and I’ll be a little sad if I have to stay mostly upstairs for like 2 weeks and then it goes away.

Summary:

People keep asking if I’m scared or nervous or excited. And like, the answer is yes to all of those things, but maybe not how people expect. 

I’m not scared that the surgery is going to go wrong and kill or mutilate me or something. I’m scared I’ll lose nipple sensation, that laughing gas will be unpleasant, and that my cats are going to think I don’t like them anymore for the next three weeks.

I’m not nervous that I’ll get scars or won’t be satisfied with the results or something. I’m nervous that I’ll be really bored, miss DnD, and have more trouble relating to characters who have breasts after I don’t anymore.

I’m not excited to “look like a man” (whatever that means). I’m excited to go swimming, and sleep on my front sometimes, and buy new clothes, and eat comfort food with my fiance while he has two weeks off from work.

It’s a complicated thing, and very personal, and different for everyone. No one else is likely to have exactly the same experience as me. 

I just needed to get this down before I go do laundry, eat dinner, take a shower, and cuddle my cats, because I have to be at the hospital in 12 hours. And I’m nervous, and scared, and excited.