#women that remind me that i indeed am bisexual

[lykantrooppi]

namari i give my life to you,

[fayes-fics]

Valuable Opinion

Pairing: Benedict Bridgerton x fem!reader, modern AU

Summary: Modern AU. Benedict’s opinion on festive lingerie is revelatory.

Warnings: 18+ smut, minors DNI, dirty talk, minor d/s tones, cunnilingus, mention of vaginal sex, flirting, lingerie.

Word Count: 2.2k sorry I can’t do drabbles it appears

Smutmas Theme: Lingerie

Dialogue Prompt: “I can’t believe I’m asking you this, but do I look fuckable?”

Authors Note: Day 1 Contribution to 12 Days Of Bridgerton Smutmas hosted by @hallownightsblog. I used this gif even though it’s regency not modern cos 1) Benedict on a sofa 2) that eyebrow twitch. The fleeting mention of car sex in this could probably be a fic in itself tbh, but that’s for another time lol. Enjoy <3

“Okay. I can’t believe I’m asking you this, but do I look fuckable in this?” You screw your eyes shut, embarrassed the words have even left your mouth. You hold your robe open towards the man sitting on your sofa.

In desperation, and with your flatmate Kate still not home yet, you turn to the only other person around before your date, Kate’s boyfriend’s gay brother, who came over to help her with something Christmas-related.

Benedict splutters into his drink.

“Fucking hell, give a guy some warning,” he mutters heavily, and when you peel your eyes open again, he is looking down, shaking his sleeve, attempting to remove some whiskey splashes.

“What?! Kate told me you’re into men; I figured a gay guy would be able to help me decide if this is sexy enough?” You shrug, retying the robe you wear, and going to pour him another drink on autopilot.

“I am into men, yes, but I am not gay,” his voice uneven, “I am bisexual. There is a difference.”

“Oh, so you….” You feel your cheeks burning as you pass him the fresh glass.

“Yes, I am also into women too,” he supplies, as it’s your turn to splutter.

“Oh god, I’m so so sorry,” your cheeks blushing hard.

“Don’t be… it was, well, it just took me by surprise, that’s all. We’ve only met once before,” he reminds you.

“Yes, yes, I’m sorry,” you mumble into your robe. “I’m just so nervous about this third date tonight….”

“Ahhh, the third date is the sex date,” he chuckles knowingly.

“Exactly,” you shuffle awkwardly.

“Well… speaking as a red-blooded male, who does indeed also find women attractive,” he begins, pointedly raising an eyebrow, his voice dropping into a range that makes your skin break into goosebumps and your nipples pebble. “From what I saw, I would say he is a fortunate man.”

You feel your heart pound as he follows it up with a teasing crooked smile and a quick wink.

“But,” he lingers on the last syllable of that word and looks up at you through long lashes, taking a sip of his drink, “if you need a second opinion, I could check again for you.” There is no mistaking the heat or intention in his tone.

Before you know what you are doing, you are standing in front of the twinkling Christmas tree and untying the robe again. Your breath is shallow and fast. You probably shouldn’t do it, but damn if this man isn’t gorgeous. When you thought he was gay, you could dismiss your attraction. Now, those hooded hazy blue eyes are concentrated on you and his broad chest is rising and falling faster than before. Well, this is an opportunity you can’t deny yourself. Screw your date.

This time the whole robe comes off, and you let it slip from your shoulders to a heap on the polished wood floor.

The lingerie set is a somewhat festive dark green and lacy; a balcony demi cup just covering your nipples, a tiny matching thong and a garter belt holding up sheer black stockings. You have been waxed and exfoliated to within an inch of your life, and you know your just moisturised skin glows in the soft light of the tree.

His gaze is so heavy you swear you can feel it slide over your body. You see his fingers twitch and his eyebrow raise a tick before he schools his face. His eyes give him away, though, now just a ring of blue around inky black pupils.

He exhales heavily. “I stand by my first opinion,” his voice cracks on the last word.

Unsure what possesses you, you saunter a couple of steps towards him, swaying your hips in the heels you wear. Then whip around, so your back is to him. A guttural noise sticks in his throat. The crest of euphoria it causes in your veins is like an intoxicating drug.

“Does it look ok from this side, too?” you simper over your shoulder. Out of the corner of your eye, you see that he is trying to rearrange his jeans subtly.

“Certainly,” he assures. “You, if you don’t mind me saying, have a fantastic arse.” The words are muttered fiercely, and every inch of your body feels alive. Dear god, you want to fuck this man until your teeth rattle.

You slowly turn back around; correction, you gyrate, tilting your pelvis down and rolling your hips. There is no mistaking the message you are now transmitting, either.

He growls, his eyes trained on your thong.

“Thank you for your valuable opinion Mr Bridgerton,” you drawl, emphasising his last name, elongating each syllable as if it were a delicious treat to savour.

He looks up, his gaze meeting yours, and there is heat and fire.

“Won’t you be late for your date…” he teases.

“Perhaps I’ve lost interest in it,” you shoot back coquettishly and gently pull your lower lip under your teeth.

“What a pity to waste such a sexy outfit,” he gusts, his hips twitching a touch, making the leather of your sofa creak.

There’s a palpable tension in the air that is thick and dark like molasses. You’re both goading each other now.

“Yes, such a shame,” you concur with mock sincerity, “I should go change, I suppose…” it’s as open of an invitation as you are willing to give him.

He snaps and takes it.

“Get in my lap. Right now,” Benedict orders quietly but commandingly through gritted teeth.

You can’t help the triumphant smirk that dances across your lips. “Make me,” you challenge, eyeing the doorway, knowing you could run and right now, he might just pursue you.

His nostrils flare, and his large hands (how have you never noticed how large his hands are before?) slide down over his thighs as he leans forward.

“If you want me to chase you, you will lose that race,” his voice is steely but heated, his eyes glittering.

There is an electric slide of want down your spine, and you shiver at the thought of him pinning you down victorious, his chest heaving against yours.

Again the air crackles with tension as you take a step towards him but intentionally look at the open doorway as if considering your options.

“What would you do if I win?” you inquire softly, looking back down at him.

“Whatever you want me to,” he exhales seductively, and the thought makes your stomach flip. You want to strip off your thong and ride that beautiful face until your thighs shake.

“And if I lose…?” you murmur.

His right hand shoots forward, and a single knuckle trails a hot line down over your belly button; your abdomen ripples like molten fire across your skin.

“You do exactly what I tell you to,” he answers, “like a good girl.”

You can’t help it. You flood your underwear.

“So tell me…” he intones, the knuckle now rubbing across the top of your thong, “are you going to climb into my lap or are you going to run?”

“I’m going to run,” you whisper breathily.

His knuckle falls away from your skin, but there is another leather creak from the sofa as he moves further forward. You are standing between his knees now. He is looking up at your face and is so devastatingly handsome you want to swoon against him.

“That was a tactical error,” he smirks lowly, “the only advantage you had was the element of surprise.”

“Indeed,” you agree, and your hands shoot out and shove his shoulders roughly, causing him to fall back against the sofa. You immediately straddle his lap and settle onto his slightly splayed thighs. “Surprise!” you rejoinder with a lopsided smile of your own.

“You little minx,” he growls as your hands pin his shoulder down, and you rock forward in his lap, dragging your thong over the bulge in his jeans.

Those large warm hands land on the dip of your waist, and you moan at the sensation. He pulls you snugly against his front, and you feel all sorts of lean muscle as he tilts his face to yours. All you see are his lips, ready to be kissed.

You cup his jaw and press your mouth down onto his.

Instantly you are swept into a passionate kiss, his mouth moving hot and insistent. Parrying for the upper hand, a peak of tongue meeting yours as you pant into each other’s open mouths.

His huge hands slide over your skin and cross over behind your back, embracing you tight. The insistent bulge is crushing the lace of your thong, rasping it against your clit in the most delightful way.

“We are going to fuck,” he states with a clarity you find refreshing, “but not here. If Kate walks in, as she is due to any minute now, this may scar her for life.” He points out, a thumb running over your lips. “So you had better tell me which is your bedroom or grab a coat and get in my car right now.”

“Why should I get in your car?” You frown.

“Because,” his lips are hot on the shell of your ear now, “I intend to make you scream, and I assume you probably don’t want to do that after your flatmate is home.”

He makes a very good point.

“I, on the other hand, live alone. And don’t care what my neighbours think,” he shrugs, raising a seductive eyebrow.

Your coat and evening bag are already in the hallway for your now-abandoned date. Benedict watches as you think about the options he presents.

“Or I can walk away, and we can pretend this never happened…” he offers neutrally, removing his hands from your skin and holding them up and away, giving you an out and telling you in shorthand this is all about what you want.

“Don’t you fucking dare,” you growl, and he smirks, the hands falling back to your waist. “What car do you have?”

“Jaguar EV,” he answers, a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth.

“You slick bastard,” you grumble, knowing you want a ride in it and a ride on him.

You climb out of his lap and go to your coat rack.

“Coming….?” You call from the hallway as you button up your coat.

He springs out of the seat and practically chases you to his car.

It’s sleek, understated and incredibly alluring, just like its owner. It’s a smooth, sophisticated ride too, and as he pulls up at a quiet overlook point on the way to his, you soon find out he is as well.

As you lean back against his steering wheel, him biting your nipples as you come shuddering on his delicious cock, you know this is something you definitely want more of.

——

You wake up in his flat the next day, and it feels like it’s the most natural place for you to be. Just as Benedict has you laid out naked on his oversized white quartz kitchen island, Kate calls you; he makes you answer it despite what he is doing.

“So someone isn’t home. How was the date?” Kate asks smugly with a giggle.

“He’s a fucking revelation,” you answer with a partial truth, even if you obfuscate who you are referring to. Benedict lightly bites your inner thigh with a rich chuckle.

“Wow, I’m glad for you, y/n,” she peals with laughter. “Wait, before you disappear back into sexual bliss, you didn’t happen to see Ant’s brother Ben before you left, did you? He was supposed to be here but never showed up.”

“I’m sure Ben didn’t forget; something probably came up,” you assure, not knowing how to answer in any other way, the man in question currently doing his level best to make you moan as he drags a heavy tongue over your folds.

“Ah well, I’ll call him,” she dismisses. “So I’ll see you, what, tomorrow maybe?”

“Sure, call him. And, umm, maybe see you in two days. This guy is something else, Kate,” you whisper conspiratorially. You know he is preening now.

Suddenly the phone is wrenched from your grip.

“Kate, it’s Ben; just a few things,” Benedict drawls as your mouth drops open in shock. “One, I would never stand you up. Two, please learn the difference between gay and bisexual. And three,” his face disappears between your legs again, “please don’t call us for at least, hmm, three days. In fact, don’t expect to see either of us until Christmas. Ok byeeee,” and he hangs up the phone, tossing it aside and spears his tongue right against your clit.

“Ben!” You yell and pull him up by gripping his hair at his scalp.

“What?!? And owww, by the way,” he pouts, signalling to his hair.

“What the fuck did you just do?!?!” You splutter breathlessly.

He shrugs demurely. “I killed many birds with one stone. Kate now knows about us and will tell the others; we have privacy.”

You have no answer; you just stare at him, mind-boggling from the whiplash of experiences.

“Now, if you don’t mind,” he argues pointedly, “I’m rather busy until at least Christmas, so please don’t interrupt me again,” he smiles devastatingly, and then he is back lapping your clit harshly, holding your hips down as you writhe and scream.

You come in record time.

What a Merry Christmas, indeed.

Benedict taglist: @makaylan @foreverlonginguniverse @iboopedyournose @wysteria-clad @colettebronte @aintnuthinbutahounddog @severewobblerlightdragon @margofiore @writergirl-2001 @heeyyyou @enichole445 @enchantedbytomandhenry @ambitionspassionscoffee @chaoticcalzoneranchsports @nikaprincessofkattegat @baebee35 @crowleysqueenofhell @bridgertontess @fiction-is-life @lilacbeesworld

[gatheringbones]

[“Several contributors to A Woman Like That acknowledged that exploring the territory of their own coming out in writing was unexpectedly difficult. Seasoned writers told me how arduous, even painful, it was to explore coming-out memories that had long been held under pressure at a depth. One novelist said that her family’s rejection of her as an open lesbian had been too agonizing to revisit; she was unable to complete her story. Another, author of a soul-searching memoir and surely no coward, wrote a haunting piece about her first erotic experience with a woman, but withdrew it when she remembered that the words “lesbian and bisexual” would appear in the book’s subtitle.

These are indeed powerful words. I am deeply indebted to the writers who are free to embrace them.

Many writers in this collection recall childhood desire, embryonic lesbian hunger, and the innocence and mystery of those feelings on the brink of collision with the straight world. One writer asserts that she was “born queer,” while another confesses to the sin of “converting”—implying that, contrary to current rules of political correctness, some feel they have chosen to be lesbians. Some write with youthful ebullience and wit of adventures as “sex-positive” lesbians, with almost a gasp of surprise at the seeming absence of oppression in their lives. A handful write of uncommonly loyal families that nurtured independence in childhood and remain a source of strength to their unconventional daughters. Some contributors write of harsh punishment rendered for sexual nonconformity and of the survival skills and moral intelligence they have wrested from their experiences. Two write of their incarceration in mental institutions as young gay women, and of the exhilaration of release. Another, stunned by the abrupt firing of teachers rumored to be lesbians, learns that even a “progressive” environment may be unapologetically homophobic; her knowledge of danger ultimately empowers her to speak against injustice. One writer, who tells of coming out to the sons of whom she has lost custody, speaks of having cracked open their small universe—a shattering, but one that allows light and the possibility of new knowledge and connection.

A number of writers in this collection tell coming-out stories that are not about a single defining moment but rather about a continuum of experience. They recall many passages—a gradual shedding of false selves, an ongoing process of self-discovery and self-naming. One writer, nearly deported from the U.S. for her outspoken political writing, equates coming out with the freedom to explore deeper places in her own psyche. A writer in her seventies tells movingly of her failure to name herself a lesbian at a reunion of those who as children were transported to safety in England to escape the Nazi death camps. Next year, she resolves, she will come out to them. Another, Another, in the form of a diary of a week in the present year, reminds us that, regardless of how secure our identities, we are forced to come out as lesbians each time we intersect with the heterosexual world, or remain invisible as we have been for centuries.”]

Joan Larkin, from a woman like that: lesbian and bisexual writers tell their coming out stories, 2000

[forabeatofadrum]

Hello and happy El WooWoo to you all. Thank you @aroace-genderfluid-sheep​ for the tag back and @you-remind-me-of-the-babe​‘s tag just arrived in my activity box!

Surprise, it is Thesis Wednesday after all! I know I said last Sunday that it’s going to be thesis free here, but to my dismay I found another Darling That I Might Have To Kill:

As indicated earlier, the term "queer women" is used instead of "lesbians". This is because there are more sexual identities than homosexuality. Yet homosexuality is the most common depicted in media (Bond, 2015; Sender, 2011). Bisexuals and pansexuals are depicted less because they threaten binary ideas about identity. This is why bisexuality is often portrayed as “one or the other” (Allen, 2022). Bisexual women are still portrayed as prone to cheating (Diamond, 2005). Asexuals are almost completely invisible, or they are not taken seriously by the media (Chen, 2020). Most of the characters are cisgender (Nölke, 2018) and trans women who appear in the media are often victims of (sexual) violence (Abbott, 2022) or they’re seen as a threat to cis women (Gill-Peterson, 2023). There has been improvement in recent years, with TV series such as Pose, starring trans women of color (Joyrich, 2022), but several articles indicate that there is still much room for improvement and argue for intersectionality (Annati & Ramsey, 2022 ; DeCeuninck & Dhoest, 2016; Rodriguez, 2019; Yue, 2014).

Basically, like other Kill Your Darlings, thesis edition, I don’t have to fully get rid of it. I just need to shorten it. This has proven to be quite difficult, since I think all information is relevant. Same can be said here with this snippet. But I guess I will have to cut out all from “Bisexuals and pansexuals...” to “... media (Chen, 2020)”, so that the core still stands: other sexualities are underrepresented.

The conflicting thing is that on one hand my advisor tells me to trim most of my theoretical background down (I mean, it is indeed too long), but on the other hand I need to show what the literature says about the core statements that I am presenting. This conflict is bigger with previous snippets that I have shared, but ugh, that is the pain of being limited to a thesis format. Might fuck around and obtain a PhD after all, only so that I have more room to include stuff. (That is a joke, I am not sure if I want to do a PhD.)

Anyway, I have also started the interviews. I had two today. Two more tomorrow. Two more on Friday... and so on. I need to transcribe a lot but the good news is that I genuinely love it. I absolutely enjoy hearing other people’s opinions on it. The two interviews of today also felt, well, inspiring almost. It was so nice. Aaaah.

The Dutch version, + a fun gif + the weather under the cut.

And now, te weather: @quizasvivamos​ @blurglesmurfklaine​ @coffeegleek​ @esperantoauthor @otherworldsivelivedin @caramelcoffeeaddict​ @sillyunicorn @bazzybelle @dragoneggos @raenestee @tectonicduck @nightimedreamersworld @urban-sith @thnxforknowingme​ @captain-aralias​@takitalks @justgleekout​ @cerriddwenluna​ @tea-brigade @ivelovedhimthroughworse @moodandmist @whogaveyoupermission @bookish-bogwitch @confused-bi-queer​ @ionlydrinkhotwater @1908jmd​ @special-bc-ur-part-of-it​ @larkral @chen-chen-chen-again-chen​ @cutestkilla​​ @nausikaaa​/@wellbelesbian​ @artsyunderstudy​​ @martsonmars​​ @facewithoutheart​​ @shrekgogurt @boyinjeans​

[bionicbabe0101]

Yep! I have identified as both bi and pan at various points in my life based on my own personal experiences and understanding of the identities. I would also like to kindly add that bi and pan folks are not confused, pretending, or just ‘want to be cool by belonging to the community, even though they are really straight,’ (something that I have heard so many times from people). Follow up reminder that presenting as straight does not invalidate my identity either… yep, I married a cis-het man, but am still pan!

It was a long time ago (I’m old folks and fucking loving it…40 is the shit just saying), but once upon a time, I went to one of those very liberal, very queer friendly colleges you hear republicans warn people about (an all women’s college even! A seven sister even!)…and came out as bisexual while I went to school there. The number of gay folks who wouldn’t even consider being my friend, let alone dating me, because I wouldn’t denounce dating men was…staggering frankly. It hurt to hear people that I was hoping to connect with tell me that I was just a tease, and that eventually I would leave them for men, so just fuck off already…now again, this attitude has shifted quite a bit, and I am grateful for it! Because I can tell you, it was harmful, and made it harder to fully embrace my sexuality.

Thanks for listening folks - we’re not enemies indeed!!! ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜🖤

this pride month take a moment to remember that bisexual and pansexual people are not enemies. the overlap between the two communities is massive and people choose terms based on their own personal comfort and description of how they identify and experience attraction. bisexual and pansexual people and any other mspec people are brothers in arms, friends, and lovers

[redjadethewriter]

Zero Tolerance: Stopping Bi-phobia and All Forms of Bigotry.

Hello there, social media-loving peeps.

Lately, I have felt compelled to write about abuse, although I'm not entirely sure why. It could be because I feel ashamed of making assumptions about certain individuals in the media who claimed to have been victims of abuse. At first, I doubted their stories, but it turned out they were indeed victims of abuse, and the evidence was undeniable. Unfortunately, no one believed them. Reflecting on this, I realized how wrong I was, especially since I dislike it when others make assumptions about me. I want to apologize for allowing my own trauma and triggers to cloud my judgment of others. It's important to note that intuition can sometimes be mistaken for triggers, leading to inaccurate assessments and hasty judgments. Believe me, I have learned my lesson. I thought I was a compassionate person, but now I see that I have a lot to learn about not jumping to conclusions about someone's character. The reason I hastily judged these individuals in the first place was because they exhibited certain traits or behaviors that reminded me of my abusive ex-partner. Although she may not have physically harmed me, she caused significant emotional and mental damage. As a result, even a minor trigger led me to doubt another woman's claim of severe abuse, preventing me from acknowledging the injustice she endured and the losses she suffered. To address this misconception, I used examples from two TV series, "Interview with the Vampire" and "Agatha All Along," to demonstrate that there is no such thing as a "perfect victim." If you're interested, you can read more about my thoughts on this matter in those blog posts. 

There's No "Perfect Victim" In Abuse: Interview with the Vampire

Agatha Craftedly Unmasked: My Take on Agatha All Along

Now, I am writing this blog to express my grief about various issues, which are all related to the topic of unfairly judging people based on biased assumptions. It has been a year since I ended my long-standing friendship with someone who I considered to be like a sister to me. And yes, I am still grieving. We had been friends for nearly ten years and had shared in each other's successes and failures. We even experienced similar life events. I got married first, and a year later, she followed suit. When I went through a divorce, she also went through one a year later. There were so many instances where our lives seemed to align that we both believed if something happened to me, she would inevitably face the same fate. We even had an inside joke about how people should not only save money for their wedding but also set aside a larger budget for the divorce, based on our own experiences with the financial challenges it brings. Divorces are definitely more expensive than weddings, but that is not the focus of this topic. 

I'm feeling heartbroken because of the reason we are no longer best friends. It all stems from misunderstandings, past traumas, triggers, and negative experiences, including the fear or aversion towards a certain  word–phobic. This isn't the first time I've encountered people close to me who have shown biphobia. I’m not bi by the way.  But It's not just limited to that, though; there are also transphobes, homophobes, and perhaps even heterophobes. It's disheartening to see how our society is divided due to preconceived beliefs and unpleasant encounters. However, what caused the division between my best friend and me was her biphobia. We are both lesbians who have been in relationships with bisexual women, even marrying them. The difference lies in our perspectives: she attributed her ex's negative behavior to her bisexuality, whereas I recognized that her ex had serious mental health issues that she refused to address. This ultimately led me to end my relationship with my ex, as she was taking out her issues on me. 

As I mentioned earlier, I have unfortunately encountered bi-phobia from someone close to me before. My first girlfriend was incredibly biphobic, which stemmed from her own negative experiences. Even in my twenties, I had a better understanding of how to address her concerns. I told her, "Hey...you were her rebound," as a woman she was upset about had recently ended a marriage and was simply exploring her sexuality. However, despite my ex identifying as a proud and out lesbian, my she had significant mental and emotional issues which caused her to be unkind when triggered. In her eyes, you could only be either a lesbian or straight, with no middle ground. This was my first encounter with someone who was possessive to the extent of questioning and contradicting my own sexuality based on my choice of friends. Since I had both male and female friends, I faced constant scrutiny. Therefore, I empathize with individuals who endure such levels of mental and emotional abuse from their insecure partners. However, I want to clarify that I never labeled her as "crazy". She was simply a woman controlled by her personal issues. Now, I also have my own struggles with my personal demons. In response to another blog post about cold people, I wrote a blog entry of my own, because of people's preconceived beliefs about me. That’s why I could relate to Rio’s character in Agatha All Along, when Agatha made backhanded remarks about Rio not having a heart and no scars. When in fact Rio has an emotional scar from hurting the one she loved, who is Agatha, by the way. The blog title: My Critique of a Blog About Cold People.

I used to be someone who was emotionally detached and disconnected from my feelings. In my twenties, I wasn't even aware that this was an issue, so I didn't realize how it was impacting my relationships. It also prevented me from standing up to people who displayed inappropriate behavior, whether it was directed at me or others. I never confronted those close to me who were being disrespectful. It bothered me when some of my friends were unfaithful to their partners to varying degrees. The main issue for me was witnessing actions that went against my personal beliefs. Specifically, I found it disrespectful and a breach of trust when a person in a committed relationship allowed someone else to flirt with them and engage in inappropriate acts. I never wanted to be involved in that kind of behavior. As a result, I distanced myself from those friendships and stopped spending time with them. Maybe it's due to my unique way of thinking, but I simply don't comprehend why people engage in such actions, or why friends would support their friends' negative behaviors. More importantly, why do family members enable bad behavior from other family members? It's no wonder why things are so messed up. We have come to accept and normalize these negative actions, and worst of all, we have normalized cruelty.

After all these years, I challenge people's preconceived beliefs and refuse to tolerate biased behaviors rooted in phobia. Therefore, last year, I made the difficult decision to end a long-standing friendship with my best friend. The reason behind this was her deliberate expression of bi-phobic views towards a bisexual woman she  was talking to at the time. Over the course of several months, I repeatedly attempted to dissuade her from engaging in conversations and flirtations with women she had no genuine interest in dating. It became apparent that she intentionally sought out bisexual women even though she desired only a relationship with a lesbian. This final incident served as the tipping point for me. While I am still grieving the loss, I have reached a point where I can no longer tolerate such behaviors from people, even though I understand they may stem from trauma and insecurities. 

Writing these blogs is like a journey through my thoughts, a way for me to express my grief. It also serves as a tool for self-reflection, allowing me to delve into my beliefs, thoughts, and hidden emotions. I remember a conversation I had with my ex-bestie during our last hangout. We were driving to the grocery store together, planning to buy some snacks for our movie night. She mentioned how she wished she could switch off her emotions. Looking at her that day, I felt compelled to share my perspective. I said, "Trust me, it doesn't bring any solace to life. By doing that, you lose the ability to experience joy, happiness, and other positive emotions." It was a topic she knew I struggled with, yet she longed for it. I expressed my own desire to feel the full range of emotions again, and I acknowledged her fortune in still being able to feel and celebrate her accomplishments, like when her play was adapted into a live performance. When I create something, I feel nothing. That's how valuable emotions are. So, I hope that one day she finds inner peace and resolution. I am constantly striving for my own, as I need to challenge myself too. 

[suffering-and-happy-about-it]

Love’s Wrecks (An Our Flag Means Death Series)

BEFORE YOU READ THE SERIES: 

Author’s declaration towards altering the cannon:

With all honesty and adoration, Our Flag Means Death is an amazing, colorful series full of an amazing cast that has soul and heart. Everything from performances to soundtrack, set design, and the story is thought through and somewhat historically accurate, give or take a few things. Most importantly, what this show does, is give us a canonically confirmed queer couple - more than one in this regard. Olu and Jim (a non-binary character), Lucius and Pete (they somewhat open and queer relationship), and of course, Edward and Stede by the end of the series. The journeys all the couples go through are realistic and heartwarming.

In this series, I am using a female reader as an outlet that perceives the story. I don’t want to use a male reader since I have no experience writing this format and I don’t wanna come across as rude and disrespectful towards the audience.   Historically, Blackbeard was rumored to have many relationships with women, however flawed and troublesome these relationships were just as he was rumored to be inclined to have Stede around for most of his short-lived career as a pirate. For as long as I remember, the show doesn’t inform the audience that Edward Teach (born on a beach) is specifically labeled under one sexual orientation (if I am wrong, please correct me) - the show informed the audience, very explicitly and clearly, that he is, indeed, a canonically queer character.

For said reasons, I chose to go with the fem!reader perspective and perceive Ed as a bisexual.

I want to apologize to all readers that might be upset with me altering the cannon in their eyes, I don’t want to bring any heteronormativity into such a pure, queer show. Also, I plan on talking and focusing on the relationship between Stede and Edward pretty thoroughly in the first part of the story. I wanna respect it as much as I possibly can.

I also won’t be focusing on Ed only; I’d like to kind of play and toy around with the group dynamic the crew has, I would like to give them their time and space to shine, to be witty and funny, to be friends as well. I wanna connect to the dynamic David, Taika, Rhys, the cast and everyone working on the show had established before.

I hope you, as a reader, will accept this reasoning and enjoy the series for what it is.

The declaration:

I wow to respect most of the cannon’s rules except these ones: - Lucius is “dead”, as Edward claimed. His survival is explained in the first chapter. - The crew is left behind on an isolated island. Also explained in the first chapter; I think it’s kind of logical that a ship of the size of the Revenge needs more men than what Edward kept onboard - and a skilled captain, he realized that. He kicked them off, sure, but he came back after a day or two.

Description: Heartbreak is one hell of a bitch. And one Edward Teach could tell you all about it. Yet thanks to Fate being a little trickster, there’s a person who enters his life to remind him of how nice it is of having someone he can confide in, someone he can care about, and someone he can trust. To remind him, what it means to have a friend for better or worse.

Tagging: @missdictatorme, @soliyra-the-sunbringer​

Pairing: Edward Teach x fem!reader | Playlist for the series:   h e r e

Read here: 

Part One: Fate’s Games 

Part Two: A Member of the Crew

Part Three: The Tea Brewer

Part Four: The Man Behind the Myth

Part Five:  One Step at a Time

Part Six: My Jolly Sailor Bold 

Part Seven: Basking in the Moonlight 

Part Eight: The Criminal Mastermind, Part 1. 

Part Nine: The Criminal Mastermind, Part 2.

[ayamturd]

bisexual│mcyt hc

warnings: small mentions of hate, fluff

prompt: (requested 1 & 2) “Hello uh I saw one of your posts about the dream smp reacting to you coming out so I was wondering if you haven't already done it can you do dream smp reacting to you coming out as bisexual?” 

“Hello yamturd so I was wondering if maybe you could do tubbo, Tommy and Ranboo reacting to reader coming out as bisexual or lesbian if you haven't already done it :)” 

pairings: irl platonic! dream, ranboo, tommy and tubbo ; c!technoblade

a/n: if i offend or misinterpret anything in this hc, please feel free to message and correct me otherwise. i will always try to correct or delete this post if asked so <33

sending my love to all those who identify as bisexual <33

wc: (1.5k) - m.list

dream - 

considering his prideful personality sometimes, you probably wanted to play with his ego and drop subtle hints

not anything too obvious, but enough to make him kick himself when he realizes

though it was admittedly difficult since he plays into the dnf ship so much that he thinks you’re also joking more than half the time 

imagine you two were in a voice call one evening and randomly discussing the recent fanon and what would be funny to turn into canon (to mess with the fandom)

you’ve been recently shipped with two other content creators, both of opposing female and male gender, separately and together

“Honestly, I wouldn’t mind hitting that.” “Which one?” “Both.”

He’d laugh, but you didn’t.

“Wait, you’re serious? You actually identify as…?” “Bisexual. Yeah, I’m pretty sure anyway.” “Y/n, that’s amazing.”

takes pride in the fact that you trust him, but would feign being upset that you messed with him for as long as you did

be jokingly offended if he found out someone knew before him

“Wait…” “Yes?” “You told Bad??” “Yeah, he was one of the first.” “W— Why??”

It was your turn to laugh while he gawked in disbelief.

“It’s Bad! Of course I told him.” “… Fair enough.”

hate is a given, and he’ll always be there to support and defend you

he’ll always ask your permission before taking any action, however, because he respects you too much and knows you can fight your own battles

dream is someone will show relentless support, whether that be through words or moral support, he’ll always be there for you 

c!technoblade - 

i honestly feel like you never officially came out to techno

as you began to recognize yourself as bisexual, you slowly expressed yourself around him more openly to the point where he unconsciously knew

it’d probably would have hit him in the most random moment after months of assuming he knew

imagine you’re in the midst of battle when techno paused entirely with wide eyes 

“Y/n!” “What!?” “Are you gay??”

you would tease him when discussing your love life in one-sided conversations with him; him basically choosing to ignore you when you talk to him

“Honestly, Techno, how could you not want to hit that?” “Please, just stop.”

(i’ve written this before but will stand by this that) he truly doesn’t care for your sexuality

you’re a friend, someone he trusts and relies on, he doesn’t need to consider who you’re attracted to since he sees you for your skills and friendship

the only, and only time he is mindful of your sexuality depends on others unnecessary comments about it

the smp is a known judgement free land, but there will always be someone with ignorant opinions that he is always quick to shut down (or kill)

nothing much can be said besides the fact that you’ll always be y/n to him: a loyal friend and someone he would fight the world for

ranboo - 

oh sweet ranboo, dear ranboo

considering how openly supportive and kind he naturally is, you didn’t question the idea of telling him

i’d like to imagine that unlike most where you planned or waited to tell, the moment you knew, he would know soon after

imagine you called him before he began his lore stream to hype him up

you both were talking about more mundane things to calm his nerves as people joined when you brought it up

“Oh actually, before you start, I wanted to tell you something.” “Sure, what is it?” “Well, I— I’m Bisexual.” “…You’re tELLING ME THIS WHEN I’M ABOUT TO START MY STREAM??” “Y/n! I’m so happy for you, that’s amazing!”

he’s incredibly patient concerning how you wanted others to know or when you were ready to be completely out

similar to c!techno with the same beliefs you’re still y/n, and nothing has changed besides you coming out as yourself

he’s your go to when days are rough, because he knows how to help you understand you’re still loved as the same y/n and nothing less

“Hey, hey, listen to me. I love you, y/n. We all do, and you’ll never be alone when things get rough, alright?” (love /p)

knows how to silently deal with hate in his chat unless it becomes evident enough to address it (doesn’t want to bring attention to meaningless words until it becomes serious)

ranboo’s your rock and makes show that he’ll never believe anything other than that you deserve love

tommyinnit - 

as someone who took pride in defending the LGBTQ+ community, you had no hesitation when coming out to tommy

if any, your reluctance would come from accepting yourself to the point to be open with other people

it’s not as if he didn’t accept you, he could never imagine doing so in the slightest, but he probably wouldn’t know what to say initially

imagine you both were in the midst of playing bedwars together in a recording for a video

he had been busy gathering emeralds while you remained at the base, and the comforting silence gave you the confidence to blindly address it

“Hey Tommy?” “What, y/n? I’m in the middle of something right now.” “Oh, um, I’m pretty sure I’m bisexual.” “…” “…Tommy?” “…” “T— Tommy?”

it’d be dead quiet for a few seconds before you heard the noise of him rustling in realization

“Wait wait wait, you’re serious? You’re bisexual?” “Haha yeah, yeah, I am.” “WHA—!”

he was happy for you, to say the least

tommy loves to joke, and one he loved to make would be your attraction to both genders

you like women? pog!

you like men? a shame, honestly

if you were publicly out, his favorite bit would be to include you in his obnoxious swooning

imagine he was streaming while talking about his love for women

“Boys, honestly, the ladies just can’t resist me.”

The ding of discord notified you entering the call, the sound of your laughter immediately coming through.

“I agree, Tommy, I definitely agree.” “Y/n! You are attracted to women, and I am also attracted to women. You can agree women are amazing, yes?” “I can, Tommy. Women are indeed amazing.” “Good lad!” “Tommy, you do realize I’m not only attracted to w—” “Shush, we don’t speak of that.”

he showed his support by normalizing your sexuality, his acceptance quick and easily integrated into your lives

(this is getting long but—) tommy was well aware he lacked some knowledge when being in the LGBTQ+ community, but openly voiced his ignorance as a sign of awareness itself

he was always quick to correct either himself or others, he refused to accept slander of any type in his streams

would probably try to keep it light heartedly, but scold nonetheless

tommy was your figurative cheerleader, always there to include and uplift you, whether that be through the smallest gestures or loudest cheers

tubbo - 

poor tubbo

since he wasn’t the most careful with secrets, you probably withheld telling him till you were ready for most to know

this isn’t to deter anything of not trusting him, he’s still supportive and loving tubbo that wouldn’t dare do anything purposeful against you

if anything, you might have forgotten that he didn’t know when you were casually taking about it within a group

imagine you and Ranboo were trying to get him to sleep one early morning but gave up

you started talking about personal stuff and the topic of your love life came up, specifically the attraction to someone of the same gender

“I don’t know, Ranboo, I mean, I think I like them but at the same time I’m not sure.” “That’s fai—” “Wait, y/n. You’re gay??” “Bisexual, actually.” “WaAA—”

his very sleep deprived state was extremely happy and emotional for you

he’s like the little duckling with a knife, like he loves you completely but will try to hurt anyone that offends you

like tommy, he has no personal knowledge when being in the LGBTQ+ community but will solely learn for your sake

whether you’re younger or not, tubbo never fails to remind you that he looks up to you

he gives his all and won’t hesitate to provide in any way he can if needed

“You matter,” he’ll always say, “you’re important and no one else’s opinion matter.”

is proud to be your friend and expresses his platonic love in full, for you’re you and are so brave to be yourself despite all

choosing not to tag my usual taglist just cause its a headcanon with a specific request <33 (huge ty to @basilly​ and @inniterhq​ though for the advice/motivation to finish this)

[samuraipussy]

See, this response I do understand and really appreciate, because we do indeed agree on a lot of things. Most of them, in fact. If you found my response to misinterpret what you were saying, it's due to how you worded the below:

You do have a lot of nuance in how you approach the topic and some of that nuance was missing from the original post, which did strongly imply that you think trans readings of the story (outside the acceptable pre-existing gender boxes recognised at the time) are in direct opposition to canon, historically inaccurate and/or disrespectful towards the source material and woc with those experiences. That is what I took issue with.

So I apologise for going in too hard if that was not your intention, but I did need to point out why I read it that way.

I also took it rather personally because, hey, I know Mizu's experience is not pure fiction because I am one of those non-western women who's had to crossdress for my survival growing up in a society dangerous to me. I am also trans and not a woman anymore. I don't appreciate the fandom-wide erasure and implication that this is a trans-exclusive experience or an experience that erases the womanhood central to it, or the amount of harassment, anon hate and suicide baiting directed at people like me in the fandom just for pointing out we exist. So if I sounded like a bitch, that might've been a factor. I'm sorry if the above was not what you were trying to say and I took it out on you.

Now to get onto what we do agree on, I do appreciate trying to provide the historical context and the reminder for everyone that no, people in edo-period japan would not be thinking about their gender or sexuality the way we do today, not with our words or in relation to everything else in their society.

I think part of where the breakdown of communication on this issue happens is the fact that "trans" in itself is an extremely wide umbrella term that can encompass a lot of concepts, including:

1. Transgender identities the way that they are widely viewed and understood in western countries today by the majority of the community or society at large.

2. The wider experience of someone who exists outside of the gender binary in any capacity. I think Mizu goes under this definition.

A lot of people use it in the first context towards historical figures, which is inaccurate, western-centric and does erase the plethora of experiences outside of our understanding today. So I do commiserate with the frustration and I agree entirely with everything you said.

I'd say it goes even further than queer identities/experiences. I wish we talked more about gender and sexuality at large, because we can't hope to even begin to understand how queer identities and experiences emerged at the time when the majority of people don't consider that the roles of (what we might call cis today) men and women were entirely different themselves. This is where you get issues like historical figures/characters who get called "gnc" by fandom even while fulfilling a perfectly normal gender-role in the time and culture they lived in, simply because it was different from what we consider normal of a man/woman today.

And even though I get frustrated with that too sometimes, I think it raises some other interesting points about how we use language to talk about historical/cross-cultural concepts and from what talks I've had with people in the field, it splits into two situations:

1. Someone who wouldn't have been considered queer at the time but we can read as queer by today's definitions, which is still worth talking about. I think Wakashu is a great example of this, where it's an accepted male gender role/subgender in the time they existed but would possibly be a queer identity today. Another one would be bisexuality as a practice in cultures and times when it was more or less the default, rather than an identity apart from the default.

2. Someone who was queer at the time but would not be so today because our gender roles and sexuality norms are completely different.

And the issue that I've seen expressed a lot is a failure in making it clear which way we are defining someone under the queer experience, especially doing so without providing the right context for how exactly that experience is queer. Because I think both perspectives are really valuable to analyse, if done correctly.

since my post about sexuality in bes took off, i've been thinking about making one about gender because people have been even more Chronically Western about that than anything. but the topic of gender has also been talked to death about this show.

still. i've yet to see a single person touch on the actual historical aspect of gender in this period of japan. (weeaboos where ARE yall??? i cannot be the only one left here jfc)

so, more below the cut.

okay. so. before westernization and christianity came in and obliterated and sanitized the culture, there were 3 recognized genders that i know of. there was possibly a fourth but my research only got me so far on that and i gave it up a long time ago. i'm gonna be talking about the 3 i do know about.

male and female were the obvious ones. aligns exactly how you think. cock and balls = male/man, vag and tits = female/woman. yes, there were many crossdressers of both genders. yes, there were people who by today's language and understanding would be considered trans. they, however, did not have these words nor have a need for them. you were either man or woman. or...

then there was a third, which was USUALLY but not always applied to adolescent males called wakashu. the closest thing you might refer it to is androgynous. earlier in edo period it was pretty much a catch-all for any adolescent male, but much later it became far more specific to the exceptional beauty of the young male. a wakashu was a sex icon, something to be desired and lusted after, so beautiful and alluring that even the most stoic and hardened samurai warrior could break and beg for their attention. and yes, we're talking about minors. wakashu were typically in the 6-17 age range. many delayed their coming-of-age ceremony (which would then make a wakashu a man) well into their 20s. and there are records of some who continued to identify as wakashu even into adulthood. a person could decide when it was time to move from wakashu to man, it wasn't so set in stone.

this time in japan did have a lot of strictness but there was also a whole hell of a lot of fluidity that was just so extremely normal for them. choosing to remain wakashu wasn't a big deal. want to go on to be a man? cool, congrats on all your man-related responsibilities now hurry up and find a wife. want to remain wakashu? cool, congrats on all the awesome sex you're gonna be having and the many things you'll be learning. either way was a good path. you were likely to have a bit more opportunities gaining power and land going forward as a man, but as wakashu you'd be expected to be an apprentice and learn more things from your teacher (while also sexually servicing him, extra bonus - most of the time.), so both had benefits. a samurai class wakashu, for example, would very likely go on to be a man since by nature of being samurai they have tons more opportunity. but a peasant wakashu would probably be more likely to remain wakashu and learn as much as possible and earn as much money as possible (since they were often prostitutes or performers as well).

so desirable were wakashu that sometimes female prostitutes tried to disguise themselves as one to attract more clients. they were often indistinguishable from women with their colorful and intricate kimono - sometimes the hairstyle was the only giveaway. and though the japanese didn't give a shit about the gender they were fucking, as i've covered before, true wakashu enjoyed a bit more freedoms with sex than did women pretending to be wakashu. like i mentioned in my previous post how they did have specific terms for who was giving and who was receiving in sex, certain aspects played into this. wakashu were expected to receive when with men, and expected to give with women. this would of course depend a little upon caste heirarchy too but that was the general gist of it. women on the other hand were expected to always receive. (and although straps were very much a thing, you'll find the double ended dildo far more popular amongst w/w relationships - at least in depictions. in reality it was probably an equal mix.)

the concept of wakashu has not entirely left japanese culture and has actually since been divvied up into the two aspects it represented: youth (shonen) and beauty (bishonen). hence why shonen manga and anime is so popular, why there are always always always bishonen prominent in manga and anime, why yaoi often has the strict dichotomy of uke and seme. and why shotac-n remains so wildly popular while the loli opposite has gradually declined with the introduction of censorship laws. the entire concept surrounding adolescent males is still very rooted in the role that the wakashu gender played until quite recent in history. (it formally ended in the meiji era, which was not that long ago.)

now with all of that said, where does mizu fall? she's still a woman. plain and simple. had she been born in late edo, she would have absolutely been considered an extraordinarily beautiful wakashu and lusted after constantly. people would be tripping over themselves to bed her. but being early edo that was not the case and she is still a woman having to disguise as a man in order to survive so she can fulfill her goal. that must be acknowledged. that is a key point that is brought up many times within the show. to ignore that fact is to erase who mizu is. she is masking as a man because she has been told since childhood being a woman would get her killed. because she has seen it far too many times how simply existing as a woman leads to a dead end. because she tried it and it turned out exactly as she was told. being a woman is not an option in her quest for revenge. if she weren't mixed race, though? i'd bet my left hand she would have embraced the hell out of wakashu and used it to her advantage. screw sex as an art, mizu would have made it a weapon. mizu wielding both a sword and the sexuality of wakashu would make her the deadliest thing in all of japan. however, that wasn't the case and we musn't ignore what is ths case. in her world, she is a woman forced to disguise as a man. period.

mizu by today's standard's is a whole different story, though. there is enough ambiguity that she can fit nearly any label you want to slap on her and that's fine. we have a lot more leniency with modern western terms. we have a huge spectrum of gender and you can toss her just about anywhere on it. you are all correct and incorrect simultaneously because any modern terminology applied to her is automatically headcanon. and just as i emphasized on my last post, headcanons, fics, AUs, ect, are exactly where these modern western ideals belong. it's awesome that she resonates with so many different gender identities - few characters in media can pull that off so well! yall should absolutely celebrate that! use her to express your gender euphoria! but do so while remembering who she is in canon. her canon experience is not pure fiction. there are still people in today's world that must disguise themselves out of necessity and quite often that ends up being women of color. there are people in living history who had to do that to survive.

you can respect the source material and also have your own unique headcanons and perspectives. both can be true.

[nuttyrabbit]

Giovanni Conti Bio

“Nutty, are you only going to show up to post about Archie Sonic and your OCs?” Yes, yes I am

Anyways, I decided to throw together a quick bio for Gambit’s dad because hey I figured his stuff out and I’m doing shit with him now.

Shoutouts to @pidgeonspen​ for doing his design for me.

Anyways, as always, everything’s under the readmore

Name: Giovanni Conti (Real name Brando Romilla)

Age: Approximately 50 years old

Height: 3'4"

Occupation: Auto mechanic/Conman

Location: Unknown, last confirmed sighting in Westopolis. Originally born in Lugaio, Spagonia.

Sexuality: Bisexual, though greatly prefers women to the point of denying any male attraction

Personality: Giovanni's personality is what one would expect from a seasoned conman: charismatic, self-serving, and conniving, the weasel finds success in his trade thanks to his natural talent in dealing with others. To his victims, Giovanni appears to be a charming, compassionate, smooth-talking individual who seems to go out of his way to help others in their time of need. But of course it's all a farce, a way to con unsuspecting victims out of their hard-earned cash. In reality, the man formerly known as Brando Romilla is the exact opposite. A selfish, grumpy, and temperamental weasel "behind the scenes", Giovanni finds himself unwilling to engage with the world around him outside of whatever con he's cooked up or to get out of whatever mess he's gotten himself into this time.

Giovanni's most defining personality trait however, isn't his sardonic attitude or his smoothtalking ways, but instead his paranoia.  Giovanni has spent the majority of his life on the run and it shows.  He often finds himself looking over his shoulder both figuratively and quite literally, hoping that his latest victim hasn't found out about him or that the law or the mafia or whoever he's crossed hasn't tracked him down to enact their revenge.  As such, Giovanni is extremely hesitant to give out his name unless absolutely necessary for the con, even going so far as to make up fake names in emergency situations, though the truth eventually comes out.  In addition, he trusts absolutely nobody and almost always looks for a way to backstab/escape any sort of partnership he's found himself on the receiving end of, willing or otherwise.

All of this being said, it isn't *all* bad for Giovanni personality-wise, for when the weasel finds something he actually likes, one can see a softer, more eager side of him come out. Despite his professed hatred of his previous job, Giovanni has a rather deep appreciation for the intricacies of vehicles and vehicle repairs, even going so far as to sneak into antique car shows to gawk at the new vehicles and reminisce about the "good old days" before it "got so complicated" in terms of technology. Oddly enough, he also loves vinyl.

Skills: Giovanni is of course, an incredibly skilled con-man, imploying a variety of cons and scams to trick people out of their money, ranging from simple "tourist trap" tricks such as "no change", "toll booth", and "free gift", to more complicated ones such as "flat tire" schemes and even reselling stolen/counterfeit items at a significantly marked up price.  His variety in terms of cons is helped by his ability to sell them thanks to his smooth-talking charismatic persona that he puts on during them.  As a result of his occupation he's also extremely adept at pointing out other cons/knowing when he's being duped.  Not only that, but he's even picked up some basic lockpicking/hotwiring and ID forging skills, though they aren't quite as honed as his other talents in the area.

Surprisingly enough, again despite his professed dislike of his childhood job, Giovanni is an incredibly skilled mechanic, being able to assess the issues with (mostly older) vehicles just from a few minutes of observation and testing alone and fixing it in record times. OF course he'll complain about how he's "too fuckin' old" for it, but he'll do a damn good job...and even enjoy himself somewhat.   He claims he would be unable to work on "new-fangled" vehicles such as Extreme Gear but if he were to get the chance, would find that he'd be a natural at it.

Likes: Antique vehicles, wine, the feeling when he pulls of a con, vinyl records, fresh pressed suits, rare steak, expensive cigars, older women, working on antique vehicles.

Dislikes: The law, organized crime outfits, his ex-wife, his kid, getting caught, prison, cheap beer, "new" technology, people who talk too much, his grandfather, working on vehicles (his relationship with auto repair is..complicated), staying in one place for too long.

Backstory: Brando Rombilla was born into anything but normalcy:  born to a pair of younger Spagonian lovers, the result of a tryst gone wrong, he was abandoned on the steps of his paternal grandfather, the widowed mechanic Angelo Rombilla, who would raise the weasel as his own.

Angelo was an old, stubborn, hardworking man who had spent his entire life toiling away as a mechanic, even coming to own his own shop...yet despite it all, he never quite had a lot to show for it, and Brando grew up in not quite poverty, but in...less than modest means

Despite this...unusual situation, Brando would, at least for a time, grow up as any other child would, going to school, making friends, and living as a normal Spagonian child would--at least until he hit the age of 12-13, where his father suddenly and inexplicably ground his childhood to a halt, pulling him out of school and telling him that he was going to be a "working man" from now on, that he'd have to help out at the shop and help put food at the table--and that is indeed what happened.

From then on, Brando found himself working at the modest repair shop, working the front desk, doing oil changes, and learning the ins and outs of auto repair--and he fucking hated it.

Not just because he'd been robbed of the experiences his peers were getting, but it served as a constant reminder of the (at least to him) pathetic conditions in which they lived and worked. In addition, it only served to exacerbate his sheer irritation at his father's stubbornness and near-perfectionist standards.

But over time, as he aged and saw his peers move on to bigger and better things, he realized something else: all this work, all this "good, honest, hard" work he'd been doing, that his grandfather had been doing, that he wanted him to inherit, it was getting them nowhere

The both of them spent years and years doing the same shit over and over, and they were no better off than when they'd started. They still lived like shit, ate like shit, and worked like dogs, and the idea of doing this his entire life revolted him.  Yet when he'd bring this up, he'd just get shouted down, beaten down, and told to get back to work. He loathed it all.

Then one day, around the time Giovanni hit 19--it all changed. In a moment of what his grandfather would call laziness and what Brando would later call ingenuity, he accidentally charged a customer for something they hadn't done--and with it, more money than he should've had.  It suddenly hit him, his way out, his way to actually do something about all of this. It started off slow, an overcharge here, a useless job done there, a job not done this way or that, even some front product sold off of lies.  Before Brando knew it, the shop was actually making money for once, and more than that, he was making money.  And the best part was, that for once, Angelo seemed like he didn't have a stick up his ass. He seemed...happy, over the moon really that things had begun to look up.  Things seemed to finally be getting better!

....until Angelo caught Brando in the act, after which the mother of all shouting matches ensued, of the grandson and grandfather screaming at each other about this and that, about everything--and saw Brando being thrown out of the shop, out of his grandfather's home--and out of his life

Out on his ass with only the money he'd pocketed and the clothes on his back to his name, Brando  by all rights should have been terrified about his future, livid about what had happened, but instead he found himself excited. Now that his grandpappy or his stupid shop wasn't a problem anymore, he could finally do something with himself, and he knew exactly what that'd be--putting to use the same bullshittery that'd gotten him here to begin with.

And so the young weasel found himself hopping all over Spagonia, honing his craft. Whether it be through  pinching wares from stores and selling them nearby at an outrageously hiked price,  snatching and selling bootleg items, or even using his mechanic skills to craft "wonder items" that were quite literally just old scrapyard junk,  Brando soon became quite adept at the art of the con.  However, with that adeptness came attention, and with that attention came the watchful eye of the law, which attempted to crack down on the weasel multiple times as he traveled about Spagonia.

Soon enough, his face and name were plastered on wanted signs, in local papers, and in time, he couldn't run any longer, finally being booked on fraud charges and placed in prison for ~ 3 years at the age of 22.   Upon getting out,  Brando realized that he couldn't exactly do his work here anymore, lest he get thrown back in for good.

But Soleanna wasn't exactly appealing either, especially since the SPD were notorious for cracking down on fraudsters.  He was at a loss at what to do, until he managed to catch a TV broadcast talking about Empire City and it hit him- EC would be the perfect place to disappear and get a fresh start.  It was big, it was far away, and it was full of suckers just waiting to be parted with their money Forging himself a new identity (quite literally) as "Giovanni Conti" , he smuggled himself on board a ship and soon found himself in Empire City, where he almost immediately got to work--and found the results to be not what he expected

While the toursts were complete suckers as expected, the residents were anything but, and he found himself on the run from the law once more--and in addition, the various criminal orgs that made their homes there and had no tolerance for being scammed.   Needless to say, the whole thing frustrated him, and with no other way to vent his frustrations, he turned to drinking, and with it, found himself at a small bar in downtown EC, drinking away his frustrations...and chatting up an equally frustrated, and rather attractive young woman. He didn't catch her last name, but certainly caught her first- Artemis

What should have just been a simple one night tryst suddenly got a lot more complicated once the young woman had tracked him down almost a week  later with some soul-crushing news: She was pregnant, and it was almost certainly by him.  To make matters worse, Artemis was an up and coming politician, someone in the running for the EC City Council, and she would be DAMNED if it came out that she got knocked up in a one night stand, that would ruin her career! Despite Giovanni's attempts at arguing otherwise, she also insisted on keeping the child, claiming that if word got out she got rid of it, it would ruin her career. Threatening to hand him over to authorities, she blackmailed him into sticking by her side for the following 9 months, appearing in front of the cameras as a pictureesque pair of parents-to-be, Artemis embracing the newfound attention and Giovanni absolutely loathing all the eyes on him, and not only that, but also moving in together to her (admittedly) lavish apartment.

This continued up on through the end of the pregnancy and into the birth of their son, who Artemis named "Tai", a (perhaps ironic) homage to an old Apotosian patron of Luck.  From then, things continued normally, well as least as normal as could be for the unwitting parents-to-be, up until the child was around a year old, when Artemis went on a sudden vacation.  Left alone with the child and feeling helplessly trapped, Giovanni contemplated making a break for it, perhaps faking his own death and figuring out the details later, when a hooded figure burst into the home and attempted to shoot both him and the child dead.  Through a near-miraculous stroke of luck though, the intruder's gun jammed, giving Giovanni the chance to brandish a knife and stab them in the jugular.  His heart pounding, his mind racing, Giovanni quickly put two and two together: someway, somehow, Artemis had tried to get the two of them whacked.  Quickly disposing of the body and without really thinking about it, Giovanni grabbed the child and made a break for it, bolting from the apartment and leaving Empire City under cover of darkness, trying to make sure he left no trace that he had left--or was even still alive.

Soon arriving in Westopolis, Giovanni and Tai found a small apartment to squat in for the time being. Quickly settling in, Giovanni quickly fell back into his old ways, and found the people of Westopolis far more vulnerable to his schemes than in EC. Still, the weasel wasn't happy. His "new start" that he'd hoped for had fallen apart before it'd even gotten the chance to get off the ground because of *her*, Artemis. Giovanni's frustration gnawed away at him--not helped by the tiny weasel at home, his little boy--the *mistake* that'd gotten him into this mess.   He often found himself verbally and physically taking out his frustrations on young Tai, even more so when it turned out the little brat wasn't even good enough to help him on cons.  He wished he could get rid of the little bastard once and for all, but for some reason, he just couldn't bring himself to kill him despite his best efforts.

Years went by, but nothing truly changed for the pair, until young Tai was 8 years old and Giovanni found himself on the bad end of a con gone wrong, having inadvertently found himself attempting to swindle an undercover cop.  Rushing back to the apartment he and Tai shared, he quickly grabbed whatever tools he could and attempted to disappear, leaving the young Tai behind for good.

Throwing himself out of the frying pan and into the proverbial fire, Giovanni had managed to disappear and evade the cops---and run right into one of his "victims": "Downtown" Ebony Hare--a "made man" in the Carnades, one of the major local outfits--and someone who he'd given a shoddy brake job.  Ebony recognized the weasel almost immediately and motioned to off him for messing up his car, but after Giovanni pleaded for his life, Ebony spared him-- on the condition that he work off his "debts" to him and the Carnades.

Faced with either paying his dues or paying with his life, Giovanni made the obvious choice and ended up doing quite a few small jobs for Ebony over the course of the next decade and change (approx  13 years) not only fixing his car but also fixing the other vehicles in the outfit--and giving a disgustingly large portio nof the proceeds from his other "work" directly to Ebony.  Once again, Giovanni was trapped doing the very thing he'd been stuck doing since childhood and not only that, but also indebted to a mobster who had no intention of letting him go.  He desperately tried to find a way out, but it was to no avail--until a near miraculous stroke of "luck".

The Black Arms invasion decimated a significant portion of Mobius, especially Northamer, and no place found itself worse off than Westopolis. For most living there, it seemed like the end times as  the city burned around them. But for Giovanni, it was an opportunity to finally disappear--and never come back.

The invasion soon ended, the repairs soon begun, and the Carnades began to operate once more--but Giovanni was nowhere to be found. Despite a thorough search of the city, the weasel had just...vanished, presumably killed by the aliens or escaping to parts unknown after.  

Giovanni's current location is unknown and those who know of him believe him to be dead, but there have been some apparent sightings of the aged con-man.  Some say they've seen him on the outskirts of Sand Blast City, others say they've seen him working his trade with another individual down in the Southern Baronies, and some even say that he's still in Westopolis, working his craft, and sticking close to the headquarters of the East Side Pack, a noted rival of the Carnades.

[deanssexplorations]

Birthday MFFFF(F?): “Wouldn’t Happen to Be Dean, Would It?”

Long-time readers may recall the MFFFF I threw for myself a few years back. It was nominally for my 50th birthday; ignore the fact that it happened two years after said date (!). It was an absolute blast, and one of the highest points of my sexual experiences to date. Given what a blast we all had, I’ve always had always had it in the back of my mind to do something like that again.

But these things are hard to pull off. There are schedules to coordinate, logistics to navigate, and it’s not every woman who desires to do something like this. Nevertheless, after a fair amount of canvassing within my network, I had (finally) assembled another group of female friends and we were just on the verge of pulling off an encore. It was scheduled for late March, 2020. 

One week after the lockdown.

Needless to say, that one fell through, but I always assumed high on my post-Covid to-do list would be to arrange another “mostly girlfriends” party. The first while after we got back into the swing - i.e., the second half of 2021 - was mostly taken up by reconnecting with pre-Covid friends, making fun new connections, and serendipitously curating the group party scene. Which was a bit of an unexpected bonus.

Now, I did have that one MFFF fall into my lap last summer. That was a fortuitous stroke and was certainly a fun evening. But being one female shy of the 50th (really 52nd) birthday MFFFF, it still felt like I had unfinished business. 

Don’t get me wrong. An MFFF is ridiculously fun and incredibly cool. I don’t take it for granted for a heartbeat. If anything, it was a reminder that I am indeed the luckiest man I know. Now it’s true that I’ve largely made my luck. Nevertheless, I stand by the statement that I’m the luckiest man I know. 

Finally, around January, I decided it was time to dust off my plans and figure out when and how - and with whom - to pull another crazy-ass party off. Some of the women who were scheduled for the ill-fated lockdown-era party were still in the mix, but others had moved on. Fortunately I’ve been making new friends and I thought a few of them might be interested. It was time to put out some feelers and see what would happen!

While my 50th/52nd birthday MFFFF was a thing of beauty, and each of the women there had a blast, it’s also true that many of them were doing it out of curiosity, as a favor to me, and/or just to be part of such an audacious new experience. That crew was mostly situationally bi-flexible, and while there was plenty of girl-on-girl play that night for the most part it was - not obligatory - but expected? - and while I know for a fact that the women certainly enjoyed themselves I also know that for the most part that that particular group of women would have found it even sexier if they had been surrounded by an equally large number of cocks.

So after that party I decided that for my next mostly girlfriends party I would exclusively target truly bisexual women. I wanted my guest list to be women who are genuinely eager to be able to play with other women. And oh yes, me as well.

Fortunately I have a few of them in my network. Jennifer heads the list. Not only have I been close friends with her for years now, but she has always been excited about playing with women and every time I bring up a potential foursome with her and Adam, she always asks if the other woman is into women. Jennifer is enthusiastic and sexy and very much enjoys playing with women. She has always headed the potential invitee list, and in fact she was the bedrock from the Covid-era party and the only woman who was on that party’s confirmation list who will be making it this time.

Second is Heather, who is equally OG on my list of friends, and who is nearly as enthusiastic about playing with women as Jennifer. But Heather’s enthusiasm stems from the fact that she loves all things sex. She is very fun and she and I have had a number of crazy adventures, on which I look back fondly. Heather has played with women on a number of occasions in my company, and she is absolutely down for it. Unfortunately she wasn’t available for the March 2020 party as she had taken a year-long sabbatical and was living in the midwest but she’s back in the Bay Area now and fully in the play scene. She wasn’t on board as first because she has a lot going on and wasn’t feeling all that sexy, but after our epic group play date last week she has changed her mind and says she’s going to try to get there. Unfortunately she does have a daytime conflict, and may have to arrive late. Which is why the fifth F in the blog post title is in question. But I’m planning for the best (I always do) and can’t wait for her to join us!

Then there’s Liz, who I met a few months ago, was a serial monogamist until she met me, and now she’s throwing herself into this dating style. She’s had a few ups and downs but, as she puts it, she’s learning a lot about herself and enjoying her experiences along the way. And, being very horny, having access to more cocks doesn’t exactly hurt. She was never into women and had never played with them until her first group experience - a first foursome with Glen and Laura. Liz really enjoyed herself and decided she wanted to try more. She’s also being a total champ and coming up with a play list, bringing a speaker, and even six champagne flutes for the party. Go Liz!

A recent addition to the party list is Gabi, who you may recall from a very recent post, was also not into women, was also a serial monogamist, despite the fact that she and have dated for several years, until the last party changed all of that. She had so much fun playing with the women there - including Jennifer and Heather - that she has not only been rethinking her overall dating strategy to bring more non-monogamy into play, but she has also decided to throw her hat in the ring and join me at our party.

Finally there’s Bella, the most recently-met friend of mine coming to the party. I’ve only known her about a week as I write this, and it will be less than two weeks when the party occurs. I met her and her husband once for a platonic lunch. All clothes stayed on. Unfortunately. But she and I click very well; we have much in common, and it’s clear to me her energy will mesh well with the rest of the group. And she’s very strongly bisexual. So I enthusiastically invited her - and she equally enthusiastically accepted. Keep in mind, she’s going to show up to a nearly all female orgy, without having met any of the other women previously - and, to top it all off, this will be her first female experience. 

Wow, that Bella. She’s got some balls on her.

Yeah, I already know. She doesn’t really.

[Editor’s note: the first version of this entry was going to end here, until I got a note from Bella just this morning. Here’s what transpired:]

So just this morning I get a text from Bella saying holy cow, you’ll never believe what happened. She had matched with a new guy on Feeld, and he asked if she had any sexy weekend plans. Being the flirtatious tease that she is, she told him yes, in fact, she was going to be part of an MFFFFF birthday sixsome this Saturday.

He said his interest was piqued, then followed up with:

“Nice! sounds like something a friend of mine does for his birthday. Wouldn’t happen to be Dean would it?”

As Bella said, small sexy world. 

[littlespaceporgs]

The Clone Wars Reacts - Part 5

Or Leah loses her shit at Jar Jar, thirsts for Aayla Secura for an episode and a half, and then swoons for Riyo Chuchi.

Welcome once more to the Reacts series! I’m a busy woman for now but I am setting up a schedule for this series which will be

Today we’re covering episodes 12, 13, 14 and BONUS! 15. This is because I got super bored during episode 14 and basically didnt write anything so, here you go! As per usual, major spoiler alert for season 1 of the clone wars! If you haven’t read the previous parts to this series, I suggest you do so that you can follow along! 

Part 1 - Episodes 1 and 2 Part 2 - Episodes 3, 4 and 5 Part 3 - Episodes 6, 7 and 8 Part 4 - Episodes 9, 10 and 11

Tags (if you want to join, my taglist can be found on my page!): @likeshootingstarsinthenightsky @girlvader @simping-for-fives @littlevodika @hounding-around @pro-fangirls-unsocial-life @onabouteverything @acciokenobi @catsnkooks @captainrexstan @roseofalderaan @fractiouskat

We’re well past the half-way point, so there is 2 parts left of season 1, and then onto season 2! So lets get into it!

Episode 12: The Gungan General

> heheheheheheheh jar jar I am KEEN

> I get hondo and jar jar in one episode

>> this’ll be funny

>>> actually no scratch that, this is gonna be hilarious

> oh and they woke up in a cell this will be fun

> HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA AND THEYRE BOUND TO DOOKU

> DISASTER I TELL YOU

> “if I keep my mouth shut you’ll devise a plan so get off the god forsaken planet?” “YES”

> this dude seems traitorous as fuck (im referring to one of the pirates, not dooku shockingly)

> I wish Ahsoka and Yoda were in this too, I want more disaster lineage

> ah he is indeed a traitor

> “HEIDY HO CHANCELLOR”

> JAR JAR WHOO

> “stop messing around, we’re landing. Secure yourself” “MESA TRYING ITS STUCK”

> promptly followed by jar jar falling everywhere

> oh and now he’s in the cockpit

> oh shit that senator guy is definitely dead right?

> “do control tour protégées insolence” “anakin, control your insolence, the count is concentrating”

> “do we know where we’re going?” “Ssh anakin” “DO we know where we’re going?”

> is it safe? Of course it i- riiiiiight

>> I forgot this was the clone wars for a second, this is gold

> FRIENDS DONT DRUG FRIENDS HONDO

> y’know, dooku’s quite amusing when he’s not trying to kill my favourite characters

> “are you now in command” “uh no, binks is the highest ranking” ooooohhhh boy

> ooooooohhhh and some mind tricks too, nice

> I hate to say this, but jar jar is actually smart

> holy shit

> beasties are nearby too, we’ll be fine. they run, we run

>> Dayum jar jar actually making good decisions?

> I present a real and accurate image of my reaction to this statement

> Mesa be having an idea oooohhh booooyyy

> obi wan that is no way to speak to your grandmaster

> be patient master the count is elderly and doesn’t move like he used to

> I would kill you both now if I didn’t have to drag your bodies

>> HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH this is the only reaction I’ll accept

> then falling all over each other is the only thing I’ve ever needed to see

> “ this is not going well” no shit

> my question is why did obi wan not drop Dooku?? Does he actually still care about this man?

> you’re right, I don’t think youre going to be friends 🤦‍♀️😂

> sneaky lying snake

> bruh they don’t even know you’ve got the Jedi captive??????????

>> so how does that work you dumbass

> no shit, you will look like fools obi wan

> “there be some bombad clankers” 😂😂

>> “huh YOURE right, bombad clankers” I love the shock

> YOURE RIGHT HE IS SMARTER THAN HE LOOKS, GIVE JARJAR SOME CREDIT

> oh boy anakin, just keep your mouth shut genius

> man electrocution doesn’t look like fun

> HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAH

> The next few lines of confused joy are me reacting to jar jar somehow single handedly taking out 3 tanks

> what the fuck

> JarJar I I’m what-

> JUST DID A GOOD THING, I DONT REGERT THIS THING AT ALLLLLLLL

> fuckin JarJar was great

> “KILL HIM HES NOT A REPRESENTATIVE, HES A PLAGUE” I’m ded 💀😢💀

> serves you right you snake, now dooku gonna choke your ass

> oooohhhhh that’s how these two twits (hondo and obi-wan) became friends

> “and... he knows where you live” Oof the subtle threat is real

> hem I love obi wan very much and his sarcasm

 Episode 13: Jedi crash

> I JUST SAW AAYLA I AM EXCITED I AM ALSO ATTRACTED TO HER VERY MUCH

> SHES HOT

> I LOVE HER

> AND HER VOICE JUST MAKES ME ☺️☺️☺️☺️☺️☺️

> I wish I was bly, not gonna lie

> I have a quick question - the 501st colour is blue right? Then why do they have a gold squad, doesn’t the extra colours just confuse things?

> I love seeing anakin and Ahsoka in action coolest thing to watch

> And anakin

>> I am also quite attracted to him

>>> imagine dragging your hands through that hair as he- wait no I have minors in my followers not gonna finish that

> Uh oh

>> Oh anakin you twit

>>> HE LOCKED HOMSELF IN WITH AN EXPLOSION JDGKJDJFKFKFKFKFF

> HES INSANE

> Are all Jedi so reckless? Just the good ones - love this by the way

> Oooohh shit for a STAR

> I mean like? I know anakin doesn’t die, but this shit is concerning

> Perfected the art of destroying ships and getting master almost killed? Sounds familiar

> I hate it when they just call them “padawan “ it just feels very impersonal like bleh

> Like I love aayla but god the Jedi preach some bullshit

>> God forbid someone raises a child and gets attached to it

>>> Like for fucks sake

>>>> Can you tell this is something I’m passionate about?

> Anyway, moving on

> Oh hi anakin! You’re alive!

> That bird lookin thing is tryna eat my boy 😤

> Oop - well that dudes dead

> Aawwwwwww aayla looks so sad, this makes me sad too

> Can we just appreciate this?

> Well these little critters are cute

> Ooooohhh I think I agree with this little dude

> You can skip the paragraph if you like, its just me going off about ‘peacekeeping’

> Alright gonna get mildly into it for a second, the clone wars really gets into it with episodes like this, displaying how the entire galaxy was starting to lose faith in the Jedi and their peacekeeping ways, in the movies we just got that people just started hating the Jedi because they became part of the war, but this really fleshes it out and shows just how slowly and gradually the loss of faith is. Because he’s right, the Jedi aren’t peacekeepers anymore, they bring as much destruction with them that the separatists do and have become symbols of war. They’re fighting for a good reason yes, but they can no longer claim that they are peacekeepers or that they played no role in this war.

> ANYWAY BACK TO REACTS

> AH MY TWO FAVOURITE WOMEN AND A PRETTY BACKGROUND AGAIN!! They really do be doing me a great service

Part 14: Defenders of Peace

> I’m really not into this episode, just saying it now

> Anakins just as bad as obi wan, like honestly just chill bro, fucking REST

>> MY BOYS DESERVE SOME GODDAMN REST AND I WILL DIE ON THIS HILL OK-

> Okay but is it taking a life if it’s a droid?

> Ugh this dudes ugly as fuck

> What did you think was gonna happen?? Of course your village was going to be ransacked

> I could go on forever about the pointlessness of this war like it just makes me mad palpatine you slimy git-

> My reacts this episode are really boring huh, I’m not into it 😭

*fully I didn’t write anything for about 10 minutes here because it’s just a little boring*

> HOLY SHIT NOW THATS A FUCKING WEAPON

> Yep sorry that’s it for this ep, I’m so bored 😂

>> Anyway, bonus episode because that one was short!

Part 15: Trespass

> YES OBIWAN WOHOOOOOOOOOOOOO

> AND IS THAT RIYO CHUCHI I SPY?????

> Hahahahahahahhahahaha it’s not tatooine, you got that right

> Oh god this dude already sounds like a dick (its the chancellor dude but not palpatine)

> Why’s he so defensive over it?

> Oh yikes, that does not look good

> Seppies don’t do that though - this is... odd

> Ah and the same thing has been done to the droids

> Off topic, but I think I’m going to make a clone wars drinking game that I can do while I do my reacts, so I’m going to make that this week, send me your ideas in the comments or dm me!

> Back to ep - pfffffffttt obi wans little taps and then anakin really goes WHACK

> Anyway I’m going to do this in the next couple days and then every Friday night I’ll watch a few eps and drink away

> Alright back to the episode once more

> Abominable snowman????

>> Definitely

> This is gonna go well isn’t it?

> “Well? Say something”

>> “Just shut up” *visible eye roll*

> What the fuck is their mouth

> Okay really obi wan, I think it’s pretty clear they don’t speak basic

> YEEEEEEAAAHHH THATS MY BOI ANAKIN

> Awwwwwwww that shits cute, fucking bear huugggg I want to be hugged like that

> I’m not fussed if it’s anakin, obi wan or kit fisto but please someone love me

>> Preferably kit fisto

> Anyway this dudes a dick (again, its the chancellor dude)

> They obviously have intelligence, and this dude has issues

>> I’m thinking he’s trying to compensate for something 👀

> Oof you really gonna tell a Jedi what to do?

> HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA the other people’s were there already

> Ugh he reminds me of my very racist grandparents oh boy

> You’ve been told like 4 times that it is not your jurisdiction anymore and you still can’t take it?

>> BRUH

> She’s so tiny and adorable and her voice is just 🥰🥰🥰🥰

>> Oh no

>>> I’m simping for another character

> Surely this guy dies

> HAHAHAHAHAH HE JUST GOT SPEARED SERVES YOU RIGHT MOTHERFUCKER

> What a dick, he shall not be missed

> She’s just, so pretty??? And smart????

>> FUCK MY BISEXUAL ASS CANT HANDLE THIS

> he’s seriously not dead yet?

> AAAHH RIYO YOU SMART GIRL YEEEEESSSS NEGOTIATE THAT PEEEEAAACCEEEE

> THATS MY GIRL SENATOR CHUCHI YEEEESSS

Welp that’s it for today folks, it was lovely, see y’all at some point this week where I say the drinking game rules and then next drunken Friday (even though these are gonna be released on saturdays but I write them on fridays?)

[eyebright-iris]

Review: Birds of Prey (and the Fantabulous Emancipation of One Harley Quinn)

“I’m the one they should be scared of.  Not you, not Mr. J – me.  ’Cause I’m Harley-fuckin’-Quinn.”

A triumphant riot of not just girl-power, but the true indomitable spirit of women who have been wronged their entire lives kicking back at the ones who have tried to ruin them.

Birds of Prey is truly one of the greatest movies I have seen in a long time, and this is after having seen some fantastic competition.  Finally, a Harley movie that actually cares about her as a character, as a person, that shows off all the things that makes her great and somehow doesn’t have to make her the film’s sole lead to give her the space she needs to perform.  She’s naïve, excitable, an emotional rollercoaster in a pair of rollerblades and the most delightful not-quite-villain to watch on screen.  Harley has broken up with the Joker and set out on her own, but she never forgets the clown look she is so known and loved for.  Where so many Joker depictions try to show of the madness of clowns, the scary side to make the Joker a formidable villain, Harley Quinn is joyous.  She’s a jack-in-the-box with a rocket launcher, pigtails and smiley-face mallet and maniacal glee in every bit of mayhem she causes.  Yeah, in her own words, she’s not a good person – but you want to be her best friend anyway because you can’t help but love her. Every outfit was sexy but not sexualised, all about Harley’s wild self-expression and not about how much of her ass could fit into each shot; you can feel that this was directed and produced by women; created by women, a project loved by the women behind it. There’s enough emotion to make you really feel for the characters despite the comedy, but manages to flip effortlessly between genuine emotion and humour without cheapening the authentic feelings like other films have done in the past (looking at you, Deadpool).

The film also makes brilliant use of its 15 rating with an explosion of foul language and violence – but none of it gratuitous.  The fights are gritty, lively, and feature none of the signature lady-fighting technique synonymous with Black Widow that involves bringing a man down with her thighs around his face.  The women in this movie punch, brass-knuckle or bare-knuckle; they swing bats and break limbs, they smash windows and noses and get punched back themselves because they aren’t reduced to something pretty for the time of the fight; the fights are fun, but never feel fake.  There’s enough weight behind the combat scenes to carry each of them without losing the fun of watching them.  The Booby-Trap fight scene is the obvious standout, the title scene of the movie where we finally have everything the movie promised us delivered on perfectly, but there are so many others – Harley’s raid on the police station with the shotgun is another personal favourite.  And good news – rumours of Harley having an ex-girlfriend are in fact true!  Bisexual badass Harley Quinn takes centre-stage.

But speaking of Harley, this isn’t just her movie: I couldn’t review this film without paying proper homage to the other characters.  Renee Montoya, a detective overshadowed when her partner took credit for her career-making case, watching him be captain while she never gets the respect she deserves.  For a movie with a cop as one of its leads I was surprised (very pleasantly) at the general tone the film takes towards the police (in colloquial terms, BoP said “fuck blue lives!” and I love it).  Renee’s a force to be reckoned with, a good heart in a bad city and she knows it. The film openly makes fun of how she speaks like an 80s cop movie, but only for the cheese of it all, because the intention behind the cheese, the desire to do good despite the rules, is what this film is all about and while I won’t spoil Montoya’s ending, I was ecstatic for her.  Oh, and did I mention she has an ex-girlfriend who appears multiple times in the movie?  Dinah Lance, Black Canary, is an iconic heroine of DC.  A crime lord’s club songbird with a bite, she clearly has a rough history with police and a lot of mistrust, but there’s a heart of gold beneath it all and she breaks all the rules she’s set for herself to save an innocent life.  Dinah also gets to show off her powers in a fight and it does not disappoint.  Lastly of the Birds, we have Huntress.  A mystery for much of the movie, she’s a lot of motorcycling around and mysteriously killing people for reasons unknown. However, when she does join the gang and come into the light, she’s incredible.  A ruthless assassin with not great people skills which make her formidable but adorably awkward as well, her character realistically reminds the audience that childhood trauma can indeed make superheroes – but that doesn’t magically undo the fact that it is, in fact, trauma.  Her interactions with Cassandra Cain are touching and she’s a fascinating case of someone with no real stake in the affairs that all the other characters are caught up in but takes a stand regardless because it’s the right thing to do.  Also, all these ladies are in fact very beautiful and powerful and kickass and I am very gay.

Cassandra makes the last of the protagonists and she doesn’t let her young age or small stature make her seem any smaller against her co-stars.  Fabulously cast and brilliantly acted, Cassandra is a little shit that people can’t help but take a liking to, but also very much a child in a frightening world who has no idea what she’s gotten mixed up in.  I can’t lie, it’s also very refreshing to see a kid being played and acted like a damn kid, not a thirty-year-old in a schoolgirl skirt.  The Booby-Trap fight where the Birds and Harley are furiously fighting dozens of goons whilst working to protect Cassandra is a really powerful scene, not just for the technicolour girl-power but also because the sight of women working together to protect a young girl in ways they themselves could not be protected is…*chef’s kiss*.

I don’t want to spoil any more than I may already have done, but the villains are phenomenal.  Ewan McGregor does an amazing job with Black Mask, terrifyingly unstable and violent, yet so entertaining at the same time. Also, queer-coded (or canon, if you take McGregor’s own words on the matter) villains are absolutely no issue with me when at least two of our main cast of incredible ladies are queer on screen in this movie (and yes, imo, the bad guys are gay your honour).

Conclusion:

A supernova of harlequin madness and an absolute resounding triumph.  Birds of Prey is everything we needed when Suicide Squad’s own neon-painted violence failed to live up to its potential.  The movie is vividly coloured and non-stop fun.  It’s lurid, violent, and perfectly Harley.

10/10

[amwritingmeta]

14x14: Dean and Cas and Questioning the Status Quo

Note: I found this in drafts and I believe I chopped it into smaller pieces, but I thought I’d post the whole long thing because it actually ties back to the lack of communication currently happening in S15 and the need to shake up the status quo. By, you know, someone actually speaking words. And the other, you know, actually listening. :) 

Let’s take a closer look at this, because it warrants a closer look, or so I’d like to argue: these two idiots are (and Sam too but Dean and Cas more prominently so in this ep) locked in a status quo that is informed by Dean’s inability to stop believing that what he wants is something he can’t have.

Know what I mean?

Now, I think the dance around this fact in 14x14 is quite elegant, way I see it, and though what exactly the gorgon represents is up for interpretation, the simple facts are:

Noah the gorgon in and of himself is a snake symbol, and per the ouroboros of the title, the snake symbolism in 14x14 might be leaning towards renewal, rebirth and a conjoining of opposites rather than, you know, the snake that brought knowledge to mankind and helped us rebel........ Yeah, kinda good either way you look at it, no?

Noah also Biblically brought the flood, which is a mighty symbol of rebirth, so he’s this double-edged sword where both edges spell renewal

Noah looks at you, assesses you and sees the truth of you, established with the truck driver, his note to Dean and with Jack - a bit of a narrative tie to Michael in 14x01, who blasted onto the scene reading the truth of people’s motivations left and right, and subtle foreshadowing of how Michael will shed Dean and go looking for a new skin *shudder’

Noah enjoys both men and women (yes indeed bisexual symbol and nope I am not the first to point this out of course)

That’s the basic makeup of Noah’s demi-god character, yeah?

Now a bit of a look at the interaction we have in the episode between Dean and Cas. (I have a very strong urge to refer to them as nothing but the two idiots for the rest of this post but) (I shall not)

1. Invisible Cas (and Jack)

It’s rather striking. The first image we get of Sam and Dean breaking through that door together, and alone, only for a mirror moment to come barely a minute later of them doing the exact same thing, only now Cas (and yes, Jack) is stepping through the door with them. *goosebumps all over*

What does it mean? Could mean a host of things. To me? 

Well, Noah can’t see angels. Right? Fair enough, he can’t see either Cas or Jack so it’s not like Cas is special here, not really, but what does Noah represent? I talked briefly in an ask about whether he’s representative of toxic masculinity and how I don’t think he is. 

He’s submitting to his fate, isn’t he? He’d rather not, but for survival’s sake, he doesn’t really have a choice. He’s performing ritualistic killings because that’s what’s expected of him. He’s not taking any real pleasure from it. Not very toxic, especially when compared to Michael the Dick Archangel, who breaks his promise to Rowena and slaughters the innocent’s of the bunker without mercy.

I would say Noah is more likely to be representative of suppression/repression, predominantly suppression in Dean, because oh, man, is Dean tying himself in very knowing knots this episode, and predominantly repression in Cas and Jack, which is why it makes enormous sense to me that he cannot see them.

You see, where Dean is completely aware of his emotions and is actively and consciously suppressing them - which is so fucking unhealthy - Cas and Jack are both shown, throughout the episode, to be unaware of how deeply their unconscious repression runs. I’ll talk about Jack in a separate post, but oh god. It’s lovely.

Sidenote

Suppression is a psychological term for when we consciously push down unwanted thoughts or urges. Used healthily this is where self-control lies, but when an unwanted emotion or urge is ignored out of fear, this suppression tactic can turn into a pattern of behaviour that may lead to unhealthy coping mechanisms (like drinking, casual sex, violent outbursts, addiction to danger etc) *side eye Dean Winchester* and irrational behaviour and lack of self-control due to lack of self-awareness.

Repression is a psychological term for when we push down unwanted thoughts, urges or very often memories into our unconscious, where our conscious mind is protected from having to deal with these particulars, because our conscious mind is kept wholly unaware that these particulars are a part of us. However, these repressed thoughts, urges or memories will push to be recognised, because anything we try to simply forget, that is deeply affecting, will never stay forgotten, and being unable to confront these buried thoughts, urges or memories may result in unhealthy outlets, such as the coping mechanisms and irrational behaviour mentioned above.

(long af)

2. Almost Liturgical

This scene is so incredibly wonderful for setting up Dean and Cas’ attitudes for the rest of the episode. Cas is observant and supportive and quietly brazen in making Dean be honest with him, and Dean can’t resist opening up, not when Cas asks him to. Prompts him to, even.

There’s so much softness from Dean here, and I’d say Cas sees it, and still doesn’t see it at all. Dean’s been looking at him with heart eyes for so long without it meaning that anything between them is developing or, I don’t know, renewing, that Cas just takes that softness and those heart eyes at face value.

There are subtle shifts throughout this scene between them, but the biggest one, to my mind, comes once Jack is back at the table and tells them he’s fine, because Dean then tries to swipe his opening up to Cas, as well as the severity of his reminding Cas of Plan B, aside by being flippant and adding this smile:

Which basically gets him a stern look from Cas -->

--> because no, Dean, Cas isn’t fine with everyone being fine. You can’t just make him be fine with Plan B, because Plan B is anything but fine.

And Dean looks contrite enough -->

--> and, I would say, realising exactly how open he just left himself to Cas’ scrutiny. Feeling exposed and vulnerable and a little raw and this isn’t helped by Cas putting himself in a position of having the upper hand by using a word that’s not in Dean’s vocabulary, because whenever Cas gets the upper hand it serves to remind Dean of? 

Yes, that Cas isn’t his to make heart eyes at.

Because? 

He believes, to his core, that what he wants, he can’t have.

I’d like to shake him. And shake him hard. Because even when Cas, over and over, through his actions and reactions, tell Dean exactly what he’s feeling, Dean still doesn’t see.

And so he goes from the soft expression and full on openness with Cas...

...to that ^^^ detached and Got Work To Do expression.

*shake shake bloody shake*

Now, of course, the fact that he’s being open and making heart eyes and feeling all sorts of things that are scary as all fuck to him and always have been - the scariest thing of all is love, right? - makes him go to great and unnecessary lengths to cover those feelings up to anyone who might be watching him.

And to suppress them to himself.

Stop wanting, essentially. Letting that hope flare that Cas could love him back only leads to pain and pain and pain, because in his low self-worth idled brain, his thoughts are stuck running along the same lines that they’ve always been running along, saying the same thing they’ve always said: why would an angel rescue him from hell? 

Which translates to: why would he ever deserve Cas’ love? 

In his head, he doesn’t deserve good things. 

And he’s perpetuating this conviction out of fear, rooted in losing his family at four years old, a loss that has cemented the belief of how Good Things Don’t Last, and this cementation has occurred in Dean out of sheer ego self-preservation, and Michael now is the ultimate proof of that. Michael in his head. Because Dean said yes. So -->

3. Overcompensation

This is Dean’s default reaction to Cas being in an obviously superior position, no matter how small that superiority might be. In 14x14 it’s something as simple as Cas having a deeper vocabulary and Dean being in the sudden situation where this is revealed to Jack, who couldn’t give less of a fuck, but since Dean just spent five minutes laying his soul bare to Cas, this moment is like a slap back to reality for Dean.

And what does he do?

He does what he always does. He tries to put himself in the superior position, because, truthfully, he knows he never really can be superior to Cas, because, um, angel. Yeah. Can’t really bypass that fact.

This ^^^ is all about Dean desperately trying to cover, trying to act like Cas knowing things beyond what Dean knows makes him, somehow, inferior. 

Look, Dean’s habit of pulling Cas down to Earth is never malicious in intent, but all to do with Dean’s insecurities and, in many scenarios, also directly linked to his falling in love and not believing, ever, for a second, that Cas the angel - as an angel - could or would or should love him back. 

The angle in 14x14, where he makes light of Cas’ superior vocabulary by putting him in with the brainy kids in AV Club - and look at how it sets up for Dean with his next breath trying to impress with his knowledge of Medusa, that turns out to be based in a movie that’s exaggerated the myth for entertainment purposes, which leaves very little of his knowledge to feel as impressive as Cas’ observations regarding the gorgon - the AV Club reference aids in Dean’s suppression of his emotions.

All the while this utter verbal denial of what it is that he truly loves about Cas serves to underline to us how he really feels deep down, and knows he feels deep down, which is why he’s scrambling to cover it up, terrified the truth is written all over his face, the way it is whenever he looks softly, softly at Cas and dares to open himself up to everything Cas means to him.

So instead, in dialogue, he goes:

-- Oh, look at the baby in the trench coat. Not so powerful now. -- Oh, look at the weird, dorky little guy. He’s not a commander. -- Oh, look at the nerdy dude who knows words. He is so not my type.

Yeah, okay, sure, Jan.

Meanwhile, Cas is like The fuck? -->

*darling Cas*

Now, when it comes to not seeing, we are presented with a baddie who eats the eyes of his victim to glimpse the future. Obviously he doesn’t snack on anyone’s eyes out of TFW 2.0, but he does carry a bit of the whole other side to him, where he can read people’s fate, with him in how he interacts with them, doesn’t he? It’s like he reads Jack’s palm, once he has him in front of him. And Dean and Cas?

Well, not the first one to point out that they’re both flat on their backs on the floor by the end of their encounter with the flood. 

I mean, their encounter with Noah. 

Who is actually the saviour away from the flood. Almost like their interaction with him constitutes the way out of drowning, for both of them. Funny that. But I’m skipping ahead.

First -->

4. Regards, Noah

Dean,

I see you standing alone by the truck stop reading this. I see you and the tall man and the red headed witch chasing me. I will always see you. Stop, or I will make you stop.

Regards, Noah

I’ll get back to this.

5. He’s a Lover, Not a Fighter

So, we arrive at the confrontation, which opens with the statement Noah makes of how he’s a lover, not a fighter. Interesting, isn’t it? Because this is truly the core trait of the entire TFW 2.0 --> innately they are not killers, they are protectors; they are not weapons, they are shields.

In the confrontation scene we also get a previously invisible and now not at all invisible Cas focusing on giving the antidote to the victim, while Jack keeps Noah distracted by listening to the fable. 

Cas is mildly on guard about the whole thing and finally comes right out and questions Noah’s motives for telling the story to Jack. When Noah gives voice to what could be read as Cas’ own worries concerning Jack burning off his soul, Cas attacks, because he doesn’t want to even think about the implications of what Noah is seeing, or unable to properly make out, in Jack -->

--> in this context, Noah as a manifestation of Cas’ suppressed fears about Jack’s choices.

Cas being in denial of how serious Jack’s situation is, is given to us in the El Saboros, because we see Jack alone healing himself, burning off his soul, and returning to the table with a ready lie of how he’s fine. Cas might not be convinced, but he’s also unaware of how Jack is still coughing up blood, and if he wasn’t suppressing his constant worry, arguably writing it off as him being overprotective, he’d most likely take actual action in order to stop Jack from walking down the dangerous path he’s stubbornly treading. 

(rather than the righteous path) (*clears throat*)

Back with the confrontation, where Noah very easily disarms Cas (demi-god that Noah is and all), slaps Cas twice, once across each cheek, and then kisses one of those cheeks, effectively paralysing Cas with gorgon poison. 

Cas goes rigid and falls to the floor, unable to move, but the antidote doesn’t work on Cas.

Why does the poison have the same effect on him as on a human, but the antidote doesn’t? Why does it take Jack sacrificing a piece of his humanity in order to tap into his angelic powers for Cas to be released from the poison?

Mh-hmh, let’s look at Dean before we try and answer, shall we?

Dean bursts in and Noah very easily disarms him (Noah can fight y’all) and knocks Dean’s head once, twice against the wall, rendering Dean unconscious.

Let’s glance back for a moment at how we got to here:

Throughout S13 Dean was confronted with toxic masculinity representatives leading right into him saying yes to having the most outstanding toxic masculinity representative literally possess him by the end of the season. S13 was all about making Dean aware of how toxic the ideal he’s modelled himself after for so long truly is, and he did begin to move away from it, this in order to be equipped to recognise Michael’s true colours, once he had to grant them absolute access.

S14 has been very much about confronting the past and all those suppressed/repressed fears and hangups being pushed to the surface. This while TFW 2.0 have all been asked - in not so many words - to find the answer to the question of What Do I Want? 

Dean’s reply to this question in 14x12 is so far from what the narrative is continuously angling for it to be, that only two episodes later that answer is not only nullified, but brings on a possible narrative punishment, because odds are that Jack, through self-sacrifice, is opening himself up to a world of hurt, and if Dean’s answer to the question of What Do I Want? had been different, if he’d reached that point in his individuation process where he could be honest with himself, then the outcome would have been different too.

But he hasn’t reached that point, and so the outcome is what we’re given in 14x14. So, what’s Dean’s answer to the question What Do I Want?

Plan B.

You see, Dean doesn’t believe that they’ll find another way to beat Michael, not really. Dean is humouring the people he loves, but he’s expecting them to be the ones to do all the emotional work and let him go, rather than him doing the necessary emotional work and confronting his fears, collected in the manifestation of his shadow-self: Michael.

Dean’s answer to the question What Do I Want? is to symbolically put himself into the box of societal norms that has dictated his relationship with his shadow-self for his entire life, and drown his ego, his consciousness, with the cycle of unhealthy suppression/repression that the darker side to his shadow-self is responsible for maintaining. (Dean’s suppressed longing for more, for a long and happy life; and his repressed childhood neglect)

Why? Because his fears run so deep that he doesn’t know how to confront them without annihilating his identity. To get to his true identity, though, he must confront these fears and understand the truth: that his fears are nothing but a construct, and that he can choose for them to no longer hold any merit.

6. Shake Shake Shake

Now, diving back into 14x14, where Dean and Cas are both flat on their back thanks to Noah.

So, let’s pull on the symbolical threads I set up at the start of this post. Threads that are very much tied to the Jungian doctrine of individuation, which I first wrote about here and have been reading up on since. (seriously it makes for deeply satisfying study) (Carl Jung was a great man)

Cas

When it comes to his worry for Jack, Cas deals in suppression, but when it comes to answering the question What Do I Want? Cas deals wholly in repression. He is not being honest with himself, and it’s given to us in his exchange later on with Jack, where he talks about humans as burning bright, unlike "things like us”. 

Yes, an unspecified thing is what he identifies himself with. 

He doesn’t identify himself as an angel, which, to my mind, is important, but for him to also step as far away as he can from humanity is equally pertinent because, well, this meta writer does believe that he needs to admit to himself what it is he truly wants for himself before he’ll be able to properly begin the final leg of his journey towards internal balance. 

Noah’s note underlines how he sees Dean, but Noah couldn’t see Cas, and to me this is all because Noah is much more narratively tied to Dean, while serving - as representative of suppression/repression - to narratively highlight these habits in all of TFW 2.0, but there’s another layer to it, where Noah is tied to Cas’ repressed true identity, meaning Cas is blind to his own repression.

(and Jack is blind to his own internal conflict, given to us in dialogue when he yells at Michael - childishly - that he’s not a child) (because Jack still is a kid)

Looking at the setup of Noah not being able to see Cas and Jack, it could be argued that he can’t see them, that he’s cut off from them, because they’re unaware of him, and so he’s unaware of them.

Awareness is key to confrontation. So, to me, it’s delicious that it’s Cas and Jack who grow aware of Noah and go to confront him, allowing him to see them, because it’s the ego’s awareness that allows for any internal imbalance to be confronted and worked through.

Moreover, Cas’ continued unawareness - his inability to recognise what it is he’s actually doing - of his own repression is what is keeping Cas complacent.

It’s keeping Cas accepting the status quo.

It’s keeping Cas paralysed in his own skin.

See what I’m getting at? Cas’ confrontation with Noah is brief, very, very brief, and Cas is disarmed very, very quickly and receives the kiss that paralyses him after being slapped, like a proverbial wakeup call, on either cheek, by the representative of his repression.

And, look it, when it comes to the question of why the antidote doesn’t work on him: if Cas had been human, it would’ve.

But Cas - being an angel - needs Jack to help him, needs Jack to burn off a piece of his soul in order to get the poison out, needs Jack to unlock his limbs and get him out of the paralysis. 

Jack, who in 14x08, was shown to be such an incredibly important tool for Cas’ individuation, since Jack is the one who symbolically (and literally) woke him, making Cas aware of his shadow-self.

And where Dean is unable to face his shadow-self due to his low self-worth making him fear what it will mean for his ego, aka his self-view and understanding of who he is if he were to confront his deepest fears, Cas’ low self-worth is equally exposed through his acceptance of the shadow-self’s threat to come and take him in his happiest moment. Cas doesn’t believe he deserves more, so for his happiest moment to be a point of punishment makes perfect sense to him, and this makes it incredibly difficult for him to break out of his complacency.

Better the status quo than the Empty.

Better a useful thing than daring to consider what would actually make him happy by truthfully answering the questions of Who am I? and Who do I want to be? and going for it.

*shake shake bloody shake*

The poisonous kiss from his repression, and Cas’ inability to get himself out of a state of paralysis without Jack’s help, doesn’t necessarily set up for what’s to come, but to me it does underline what is: as an angel Cas is stuck in a place where, as a human, he wouldn’t need help getting out of.

And this place that he’s stuck in takes a toll on the one person he’s tried, for seasons now, to protect - Jack - and this moment is entirely reflective of - and of course helps set up for - Jack’s choice to step into this exact same position for Dean, when he kills Michael. 

Dean

Oh, Dean.

Old patterns are a bitch. 

Actually, old patterns are turning into his greatest enemy, which gets me all kinds of squeakily excited for him. The lessons he’s been set out to learn for many, many moons now, are, at this point, hitting him so hard over the head they’re knocking him out against a wall.

Dean was fighting his toxic masculinity in S13. Growing aware of the ideal and moving away from it so that he can see Toxic Masculinity Michael for what he truly is, but because of patterns that have informed Dean’s sense of identity ever since he was a child, modelling himself on John and his mode of Feelings are Weaknesses that Will Get You and Your Brother Killed, Dean can’t bring himself to believe that there’s a way out of this confrontation with his shadow-self without killing the ego. Meaning without killing his conscious idea of himself. And because of the fear this brings of losing his sense of self completely, his incapable of believing there’s a way of beating Michael.

Even when Dean is sitting in front of the key to his own faith in the future, and yes, indeed the key to Dean’s faith in the future has always been Cas, and Cas is basically telling Dean that there’s no way Cas is ever giving up on him, and that they’ll find another way, Dean still can’t submit to his own need to believe, because his love of Cas is tethered to just as much fear as anything else, and confronting that fear, his fear of love and having hope for the future and believing that Cas does or could love him back, brings on just as much of an identity crisis as the thought of confronting his shadow-self.

And it’s all connected, of course. Because Dean’s internal fears don’t exist in a vacuum. But if he dared lean on his love for Cas and the faith and trust it’s always brought him, then he’d find the strength to confront his shadow-self and question all the lies it keeps filling his head with when it comes to perpetuating his low self-worth. Likewise, if he dared push past his identity crisis and begin to question the lies of his shadow-self that keeps his self-worth low, he would begin to feel the faith and trust Cas instils in him, and he’d start to believe in the love that Cas is continuously showing him.

But Dean can’t.

Dean is stuck in the belief that lingering in the status quo, and keeping to what he knows, is preferable, because there’s this huge thing in the way for Dean to be able to do anything else.

And holy fuck it’s formidable how this is now set up. (if I’m right in this reading)

The huge thing in the way for Dean to dare open himself up to his true identity is his inability to let go of old patterns, and 14x14 makes it explicit to me that this inability is rooted entirely in his neglected inner child. 

So what truly needs nurturing and attention and for Dean to grow aware of exactly how much he’s been neglecting it, is Dean’s inner child. An inner child that he’s been ignoring through his repression of his yearning for love. This yearning has been present in him since childhood and he’s repressed it by adopting the adage that feelings are weaknesses, and adopting this very harsh take on love in order to protect himself from a father incapable of providing the affection every child needs to feel truly safe and protected.

Moreover, Dean has been putting up walls to keep out the memory of the horror of his mother’s death and the guilt that’s haunted him and the mistrust it’s produced in him of anything good ever truly lasting for very long, and this, all this, is why he, in 14x14, teases Cas and tries to cover up how he’s really feeling and it gets him his head smashed into a wall by the representative of all of the above fears collected into his lifelong habit of suppression and repression of his true identity.

Noah sees Dean.

Noah will always see Dean.

And the narrative punishes Dean’s inability to break old patterns by having those old patterns knock him out cold, because clearly something needs to happen to shake up the status quo. 

Because the representative of Dean’s neglected inner child is...?

Jack.

And so Dean’s inability to do the shadow work needed, or to fully trust in those he loves, brings about the necessity for the representative of his inner child to step up to the plate and take matters into hand by expelling the manifestation of Dean’s shadow-self, while taking part of it into itself.

Yeah, I know right?

To my mind, Jack swallowing Michael’s grace is set to lead to not very good things.

Well, ultimately it will, I believe, but, oh, there may be quite a bit of glorious turbulence ahead. Or, at least, a huge push for Dean to face his internal imbalance and find a way to start all the emotional work needed if he’s to take full responsibility and stop running.

7. Off With Their Heads

This image is so powerful, because it serves so many possible purposes and can be interpreted in so many different ways, but here’s what I see:

A foreshadowing of the snake in Dean’s head (Michael) shedding his skin

An underlining for what Michael shedding Dean truly stands for: the first step toward internal rebirth/renewal for Dean

A plant for Jack picking up Felix and claiming him for a pet, which is deeply symbolic when looking at what Jack represents in the narrative, and what Jack himself needs for his own progression

But first, we get Sam also thrown across the room, very, very easily, by Noah the suppression/repression representative, because of course, Sam’s got his own shit to work through. Like his inability to take a moment for himself. His codependent behaviour runs so deep that he has no idea who he is unless he has people to look out for. And, good Lord, all the people under his protection getting killed by Michael after Sam insisted they bring Dean back. The internal conflict must be tearing Sam apart. *hands clutched to mouth* It’s not your fault, Sam!!

Once Sam hits the floor without getting knocked out (feels possibly significant here because Sam leading the way in letting go of the dependency and pushing himself into adulthood feels so important for Dean to finally allow himself to do the same) (but we shall see about that) we get Jack cutting off Noah’s head.

And looking at the fact of how Jack is the one to place his hands on either side of Rowena’s head, driving Michael out of her, you might say he cuts the head off both snakes in this narrative, right?

But, as I wrote here, he also swallows one of those snakes down, taking its essence into himself, while keeping a little piece of Noah in a glass box in his room, and so it can be said that he, symbolically, is tied to both symbols (suppression/repression/shadow-self) and is the last snake standing.

So. Turbulence.

Because Jack is no snake.

Jack has felt like a powerful symbol of internal balance for all of TFW and so for this symbol to now be in such absolute imbalance is quite possibly heralding Jack’s own dark arc, which could prove a necessary push out of the status quo that Dean and Cas and Sam are all in. 

Something to shake shake bloody shake them awake already.

Please. And thank you. :)

8. Access Denied

Cas has tried, on more than one occasion on the ride back to the bunker, to heal Dean, but he can’t. He can’t even see what’s going on inside Dean’s head.

*slow eyebrow raise*

Dean’s repression knocks him out -->

leading to Dean’s shadow-self no longer staying suppressed

leading to Dean’s inner child confronting the shadow-self with a declaration of how its not a child

Dean’s inner child swallowing the essence of Dean’s shadow-self down and declaring that it’s now itself again, restored to its former glory through taking into itself the toxic masculinity representative that’s the source of Dean’s repressed longing for love and his neglecting of his inner child in the first place

Oof.

Cas suddenly has no access to Dean because Dean’s repression runs too deep, and faith can’t reach where it’s not welcome, where it’s constantly shut down and mistrusted, and neither can love.

Especially not a faith or a love that doesn’t actually believe it belongs there.

The fucking status quo acting like the barrier it’s always been between these men, the barrier sitting like an enormous obstacle in front of open communication and honesty with each other, but foremost with themselves.

*so frustratingly amazing*

[readermagnifique]

Anne with an E Season 3 finale!

Spoilers.

Good grief I am in LOVE!!!

I want to have a character on this show for the sole purpose of having a bisexual affair with Winnie Rose, no I am not taking constructive criticism at this time.

Josie Pye counting the hours until she can get away from all the whispers and snide comments that she is definitely still getting, and probably mostly from her parents broke my heart she deserves to fly they all do.

Ruby is still a little gem and I love her.

Shirbert Part I: They are so proud of each other, look at those cute grins.

Moody still holds the title of best awkward comments.

"Congratulations"

"Congratulations"

You poor dumb dumb babies I love you both.

Miss Stacy is the best you can't change my mind. Potato lightbulbs forever indeed.

"7 days until we spread out wings and soar" Tiny babies, we stan.

"It's your future, not theirs"

"It's not your future, it's ours!"

This next scene was heartbreaking.

The Barry's were getting better and I hate them again now.

Matthew Cuthbert you are a cute potato and your one (1) flaw in life is pushing people away to protect them. We stan.

Mummy Lacroix learning to be softer is what I am here for!

Shirbert Part II: Beautiful! Sublime! This letter was everything we've been wanting to hear since day 1. Also definitely breaking his promise to Winnie to not say ANYTHING about not being engaged for 2 weeks, but we'll let it slide because you're cute as a button, and the pen mention at the end was the cherry on top.

I honestly expected her to completely miss the fact that the letter was even there. Never expected her to rip it, and was even better when she ran around trying to find the pieces, and GOT IT COMPLETELY WRONG! You are the most adorable tiny human, and this had me shaking my head not knowing whether to be frustrated or laughing.

Diana being almost catatonic at the idea of her future broke me. It is not being talked about enough, this was heartbreaking.

"I can't fly"

"My poor Diana, they've clipped your wings" This was beautifully tragical, and so so sad. Dalila Bela was phenomenal in this whole episode - more on that later.

Marilla being the best Mum. She has grown so much and she is the sweetest. This whole episode she was a damn star! I love her! She's done a complete 180° from where she started, from big things like being kinder and more open with those she loves, to small things like making a dress with beautiful, most definitely expensive, blue velvet for her girl.

Elijah redemption arc - I love a redemption arc, and they are the hill I will die on thanking you. And Bash learning to forgive him and allow him into his daughter's life - this was inspired, thank you Moira!!!

Marilla talking the Barrys round to the idea of Diana's desire to control her own life not being a selfish one was beautifully done. Just her being careful and considerate as she has always been at her core.

Miss Stacy and Anne both giving beautiful presents to each other - and MISS STACY WRITING KINDRED SPIRITS ON THE FRAME WAS SPECTACULAR!!! And her conversation about happiness was so sweet and caring, and mentioning depression in her own way did anyone else notice this?

Marilla being so excited about letters of Anne's past, and putting Matthew straight, just like he did earlier in the series.

Matthew crying; I can't cope with it. End of discussion, couldn't deal. He's too sweet.

Elijah is going to be such a good big brother now he's doing his best.

Anne packing away her room; so beautifully filmed, and so bittersweet. She has loved this little room more than anywhere else, and it's lovely.

Jane and Josie are friends again? They're stood together in the line, and no snide comments. They smile to each other while the matron was talking. Was there a deleted scene or something? Can someone write their reconciliation as a one shot? I want to see Jane learn like Prissy exactly what her family is.

Anne is definitely going to learn sign language, I will place good money on those odds. Just you watch her.

Somehow the matron reminds me of the librarian in Monsters University?

Anne putting her necklace on the bed meant for Diana.

The girls being excited and giggling in pure delight with each other, dancing and carefree, away from the small minds of their town. Beautiful and inspirational, and most of it is down to Anne, you cannot change my mind.

Miss Stacy screaming in excitement for Gilbert going to Uni! His yelling with her!

Mummy Lacroix learning from her son to help him forgive his own stepson. Redemption arcs all around in the Lacroix farm.

Siblings united at last. Mary would have been the happiest woman to see this.

AUNT JO! MY ULTIMATE FAVOURITE!!! LIFE GOALS!!! I LOVE HER!

Can we all just appreciate that Cole has been at art school carefully studying and perfecting the Gay Artist Walk™ and he is doing so well? The hips. The hands. Look at that beautiful carefully learnt carelessly elegant flounce! That is Growth.

Jo calling Marilla Anne's mother and how happy it makes her.

ANNE'S PRINCESS MOMENT! THAT DRESS! I CAN'T EVEN! ABSOLUTE PERFECTION!!!

Anne is the bravest of women, so strong, and all of those closest to her know this.

Cole and Jerry are the best brothers, you cannot prove this wrong.

Anne takes that moment to break apart on one that she trusts with her life, and one who she knows trusts her with his, and then just as quickly pulls herself back together again and carries on. She just needed that moment, and he knew to give it to her.

The cows are Pride and Prejudice and this is fantastic.

Matthew you adorable bean, and I cannot cope with you tearing up twice in one episode.

Anne with her dress, and gloves, and parasol. Mesmerising.

Mrs Thomas is hilarious.

"They were SCOTTISH!"

"He's DEAD! You know that." Cracking up laughing.

I want to know who Katie was? This is the second time she's been brought up. The imaginary friend who lives in glass cabinets. Other than that we know nothing, and I need to know more.

The book.

I want to have a character on this show for the sole purpose of having a bisexual affair with Winnie Rose, no I am not taking constructive criticism at this time.

I fully and completely believe that after they sorted out the fact that neither of them had any idea what the other was bloody talking about, Anne and Winnie are pen pals, and they're going to chat about Paris and Uni and become good mates. I am here for Anne's respect for other women, and you know for a fact that she has never said or thought a bad word about Winnie from day one, because none of it has ever been her fault. And Winnie has been understandably angry, but once she stops hurting over Gilbert (and has a bisexual affair with me that is definitely going to happen I swear) she will be happy to call Anne a friend, because she has always been loyal to her friends and never made a move on her man while he was hers, even when drunk and looking gorgeous after the exams.

The train. How amazing was every scene on this damn train. Diana going to Uni, hearing about Gilbert not going to Paris and not engaged, but also not going to queen's and definitely not sorting things her friend and this is unacceptable??? Her face??? Incredible!!!

Anne running in that dress is a vision.

Diana's face as she sits in the chair opposite Gilbert. And he smiles politely and has to do a double take because the FuRy??? Of this girl??? Phenomenal.

I am always here for whenever Anne has her hair down.

Diana going HARD for Anne. On a public train. Fully laying in to the smartest and dumbest boy in her class.

Diana is a wonder, all she needed was friendship with an unlikely redheaded orphan brat to unlock her imagination, and that redheaded orphan is the girl who has saved her from misery and drudgery and brought colour into her life, and she deserves so much better than the confusion Gilbert has been giving her this whole time and Diana is throwing EVERYTHING at him and I am here for this ride or die friendship!!!

"DIANA WHAT LETTER???" THE URGENCY THIS POOR BOY!!!

This running montage was perfection, then the silence just as they saw each other. Majestic.

That gentle hand on her cheek, asking permission, then the kiss.

And then Anne Shirley Cuthbert does the most Anne Shirley Cuthbert thing and pinches herself to check it's real.

And Gilbert So-Smart-And-So-Dumb Blythe still had to check that she loves him as much as he loves her and both of these reactions are the most valid thing I have ever witnessed.

And that second kiss; Anne "If I wanted to kiss a boy, couldn't I just, kiss him?" Shirley Cuthbert going for it, I am here for it on every level, I hope it's within the correct timespan for visiting suitors, because you're definitely not in the parlour Anne!

Anne not even getting mad that he's leaving just after he kisses her, she is so understanding what a damn angel.

And Gilbert desperately trying to reassure her before he has to run off again. That hand kiss, I am swooning over their romantical notions, the pair of them!

"DiANA???"

"Can I still be your roommate?" Look at this baby, with her witty quips and dramatic entrances! I adore that Anne has found a home among people who are just as dramatic as she is.

Mr Barry redeaming himself somewhat - "Take the carriage! Run boy! Accomplish your dreams!" He's learning, it's all we can ask for. Maybe next season I'll begin to like you again.

That hop out of the carriage, the return of the flirty eyebrows, that kiss; Mr Blythe! Straight out of a romance novel! He knows how to put his romantical notions into action.

"I have follow up questions."

Marilla and Matthew running with the book! The book itself! Mummy Shirley had red hair!!! Baby Anne's First Picnic!!! "Their handwriting looks like mine." !!!

"You are a wish come true, I never knew I was making" Marilla tear my heart out why don't you?!?!

Dear Gilbert I look like my mother.

This was a phenomenal, perfect ending to this series, we were not only fed, but giving a ten course meal, thank you Moira!!! Only thing I could have wished for was more Jerry, because he is a tiny baby, and more ka'kwet. Also the brutal and gruesome death of Billy Andrews would have been a nice bonus, but I'm happy to wait until season 4 that is definitely going to happen.

Now just give me a character on this show for the sole purpose of having a bisexual affair with Winnie Rose. Jo and Gertie 2.0! Meeting in a Parisian bookshop! Yes please!!!

[esquissers]

                                  ◟ believe   it   or   not   ,   i   am   indeed   a   mess   &   unfortunately   ,   you   are   being   introduce   to   me   sFKSDFJ   .   in   all   seriousness   ,   i'm   cc   ,   nineteen   from   the   cst   tz   with   she   /   her   preferred   pronouns   .   this   is   a   new   muse   that   i've   pulled   a   little   bit   of   inspo   from   other   muses   ,   but   i'm   trying   :)   something   :)   (   not   )   new   !   pip   is   a   cute   lil   nickname   but   she's   ...   not   cool   ,   to   say   the   least   .   pls   LIKE   this   if   you'd   like   to   plot   &   i'll   come   to   you   ,   or   ,   lmk   if   you   prefer   plotting   on   d*scord   !

                                           stats  /  wanted  connections  /�� pinterest

━━ (   jung   jinsoul   +   cis   female   +   twenty-one   )   oi   ,   have   you   seen   philippa   ‘pip’   bae   around   ?   she   lives   in   flat   17   in   bedroom   4   ?   i   was   meant   to   meet   them   this   morning   at   bean   me   up   before   our   lecture   but   she   didn’t   show   .   no   ?   well   ,   shit   .   if   you   do   see   them   ,   can   you   tell   them   i’m   looking   for   them   ?   they’re   a   3rd   year   architecture   student   from   nafplio   ,   greece   &   you’ll   know   it’s   them   because   they   might   just   remind   you   of   gold   framed   glasses   left   in   the   library   ,   playing   the   sims   on   your   laptop   during   lectures   ,   a   wall   full   of   half-finished   pencil   sketches   ,   lemon   water   ,   climbing   onto   rooftops   &   the   dream   of   building   something   better   if   that   helps   at   all.just   be   careful   ,   she   can   be   a   little   machiavellan   ,   hubristic   &   arriviste   sometimes   .   —-   oh   don’t   look   like   that   ,   they’re   usually   erudite   ,   habile   &   tactical   most   of   the   time   .

𝓲.     𝕒𝕓𝕣𝕚𝕕𝕘𝕖𝕞𝕖𝕟𝕥   .

full   name   :   philippa  bae  /  bae  soo  ah  nickname(s) :   pip  ,  suah  ,  pippa age   :  twenty  -  one gender   /   pronouns  :  cis  gendered   female   /   she  /  her  /  hers sexuality   :  bisexual  /  biromantic hometown   : nafplio   ,   greece major   :   architecture inspo  :  annabeth  chase  ,  regina  george  ,  macey  mchenry faceclaim :  jung  jinsoul

fun facts : doesn’t   talk   about   her   dad   but   will   mention   every   chance   she   gets   that   he’s   ex   mi6   ,   can   speak   almost   six   languages   but   doesn’t   speak   any   of   them   ...   u   know   ?   ,   major   abandonment   issues   &   for   what   ,   can   whistle   for   hours   without   stopping   ,   carries   around   multiple   sketchbooks   on   her  person   at   all  times   ,   is   mean  :(   takes   out   unresolved   anger   on   everyone  around   her  ,   got   kicked   out   of   the   library   her   first   year   for   starting   a   fight   with   a   librarian   ,   loud   opinions   ;   mean   words   ,   is   really   good   at   drawing   /   painting   but   only   Sketches   because   painting   is   reserved   for   ‘   pure   inspiration   ’   ,   should   be   an   art   major  but   doesn’t   think   she   needs   a   degree  in   drawing

aesthetic :  drowning   just   below   the   surface   of   an   ice   cold   river   ,   being   unable   to   hear   the   birds   chirping   in   the   morning   due   to   the   irrevocable   anger   ,   breaking   pencils   because   you’re   pressing   down   too   hard   ,   wind   so   cold   it   feels   like   it’s   cutting   into   skin   ,   a   lone   glacier   wandering   the   abandoned   waters   ,   a   forgotten   lighthouse   in   the   wreckage   of   ships   it   failed   to   protect   &   friends   are   family   despite   the   way   you   treat   them   .

𝓲𝓲.     𝕔𝕙𝕣𝕠𝕟𝕚𝕔𝕝𝕖   .

mom   doesn’t   get   much   of   an   explanation   ,   why   her   lover   swerves   in   &   out   of   her   life   so   jarringly   .   instead   ,   she’s   given   a   child   ,   someone   that   looks   a   lot   like   the   suave   man   who   visits   every   few   months   from   business   &   tells   her   that   she   loves   her   .   he’s   the   first   one   to   call   philippa   ‘   pip   ’   &   it   only   sticks   because   she   lets   it   ,   even   if   she   hates   the   name   almost   as   much   as   she   hates   him   .

pip   loves   her   dad   ,   maybe   a   bit   more   than   the   upset   mom   who   always   watches   over   her   &   ruins   her   fun   .   dad   ,   he   teaches   her   different   languages   &   how   to   find   a   killer   on   the   big   ,   intricate   maps   he   brings   homes   .   he’s   the   one   to   gift   her   a   sketchbook   &   a   box   of   special   pencils   ,   the   one   to   encourage   her   to   build   a   world   made   of   lead   &   her   imagination   .

he   doesn’t   stay   for   too   long   ever   ,   but   he   always   returns   &   she   always   waits   for   him   dutifully   .   mom   knows   now   ,   but   she   won’t   tell   pip   anything   .   all   she   does   is   make   sure   pip   knows   how   to   fight   dirty   &   how   to   make   sure   her   underhand   stings   .   ‘   women   fight   differently   ,   soo   ah   ,   ’   she   tells   pip   .   ‘   your   dad   –   you’re   different   from   him   .   you   have   to   learn   things   differently   .   ’

there’s   only   so   much   mom   can   put   up   with   .   pip   wakes   up   one   day   to   find   a   note   from   her   mom   (   written   in   korean   ,   the   one   language   she   struggles   with   learning   despite   her   ancestry   )   that   reads   that   she’s   gone   .   she’s   done   &   that   her   dad   brings   too   much   into   her   life   that   she   can’t   deal   with   .   he’s   not   the   man   she   thought   she   loved   ;   &   apparently   ,   neither   was   pip   .   she   wasn’t   enough   for   her   mom   .

pip   learns   quickly   she’s   not   enough   for   her   dad   ,   either   .   thirteen   years   old   ,   multi-lingual   &   left   in   the   world   on   her   own   .   dad   sends   money   &   he   sends   letters   ,   mostly   though   ,   he   sends   empty   promises   .   ‘   i   promise   you’ll   understand   one   day   .   i   promise   i’ll   explain   .   i   promise   i   love   you   .   ’   but   he   doesn’t   show   up   &   he   doesn’t   come   to   collect   .   he   sends   her   a   passport   &   tells   her   to   live   the   way   she   wants   .

online   ,   she   finds   a   good   enough   school   that’ll   get   her   where   she   wants   to   go   in   the   future   .   she   completes   courses   while   running   from   a   past   she   doesn’t   know   anything   about   .   strangers   ask   her   where   her   parents   are   ,   she   learns   how   to   lie   .   men   ask   her   how   old   she   is   ,   she   learns   how   to   con   them   into   working   for   her   .   women   ask   her   why   she   isn’t   love   ,   she   learns   how   to   wage   wars   &   win   .

seventeen   ,   pip   has   spent   time   all   around   europe   on   her   own   .   her   dad   still   sends   money   ,   but   he   doesn’t   send   letters   anymore   .   she   stopped   replying   a   while   ago   ,   but   he   still   signs   the   bank   statements   with   a   heart   .   on   her   ‘   graduation   ’   day   ,   she   gets   a   gift   in   the   mail   –   a   sketchbook   ,   a   box   of   special   pencils   &   a   letter   –   explaining   everything   .  

dad’s   a   spy   ,   he’s   dangerous   &   lethal   &   he   has   enemies   that   don’t   know   of   her   existence   .   mom   was   paranoid   &   abandoned   ,   left   to   her   own   devices   so   she   left   .   he   tells   her   everything   except   why   he   never   came   to   get   her   ,   why   his   life   was   more   important   than   hers   &   why   he   didn’t   love   her   enough   .   she   burns   the   letter   ,   along   with   her   sketch   of   him   .

she   forgets   what   he   looks   like   ,   she   forgets   what   mom   looks   like   &   she   rids   her   mind   of   them   .   eighteen   &   in   paris   ,   accepting   her   dad’s   gracious   checks   (   which   ,   shouldn’t   be   made   on   a   spy’s   salary   ,   but   she   won’t   complain   )   when   she   decides   it’s   time   to   go   back   .   one   year   wasted   ,   she’s   spent   in   paris   drinking   wine   &   bedding   lovers   .  

small   town   ,   obscure   location   &   a   good   reputation   .   larnswick   university   welcomes   her   in   with   open   arms   &   there’s   her   fresh   start   ,   even   if   her   past   will   never   get   away   from   her   .

𝓲𝓲𝓲.     𝕕𝕚𝕤𝕡𝕠𝕤𝕚𝕥𝕚𝕠𝕟   .

exterior   .   she’s   ruthless   ,   a   wolf   loved   by   a   silent   god   of   war   that   watches   her   fight   battles   .   raised   by   a   silent   war   ,   she   knows   that   in   order   to   get   things   done   ,   she   has   to   make   the   first   move   .   outgoing   ,   courageous   &   always   prepared   ,   pip’s   nothing   short   of   a   monstrous   war   general   ,   comparable   to   hurricanes   that   rip   land   apart   because   it’s   in   the   way   .   blunt   ,   sharp   &   cutting   ,   she’s   no   stranger   to   fighting   dirty   &   hurting   with   words   .   any   words   can   be   used   to   describe   her   ,   except   maybe   civil   ,   or   kind   ,   or   gentle   .

interior   .   lonely   &   a   little   bit   scared   of   an   earth   that   never   wanted   her   .   when   is   it   going   to   open   up   ,   take   her   away   because   she   doesn’t   really   belong   ?   always   the   one   to   end   things   so   she   doesn’t   get   hurt   ,   she’s   never   vulnerable   because   that’ll   end   badly   .   non   committal   ,   it’s   surprising   she’s   stayed   in   this   place   for   too   long   –   she’s   spent   five   years   of   her   teenagehood   running   from   place   to   place   .   selfish   &   cunning   ,   pip   comes   first   ,   because   that’s   what   she’s   learned   to   do   to   survive   .

midway   .   talented   ,   tactical   &   intelligent   .   there’s   a   lot   of   talent   in   her   fingers   ,   the   ability   to   mimic   life   with   a   few   pencil   strokes   .   she   possesses   a   need   to   build   something   permanent   ,   something   better   than   the   life   she’s   lived   &   she   doesn’t   know   why   ,   she   doesn’t   know   if   it’ll   bring   her   joy   –   perhaps   just   buying   a   cottage   by   the   sea   will   fulfill   her   life   .   pip   is   talented   ,   gifted   by   apollo   &   cursed   by   ares   .

𝓲𝓿.     𝕔𝕠𝕟𝕔𝕝𝕦𝕤𝕚𝕠𝕟   .

                                 ◟ uwu   ,   tysm   for   reading   this   my   favorite   people   !   all   my   wc   are   on   the   page   linked   above   ,   but   if   nothing   strikes   u   we   love   brainstorming   in   this   house   !   love   u   all   &   can't   wait   to   write   /   plot   w   u   !