#jar jar binks

[rodan94]

Watched 11/18/1994

5/10

Hugh Grant is fantastic in this; one of my favorite performances of the year. He has a certain "control" that a lot of characters like this usually lose halfway through the movie, which has been done so often it's become a bit boring, but he keeps it going, and honestly seems to understand the assignment more than the filmmakers. The two leads are pretty good too. Sadly, the writing is a big too pleased with itself, lacks any subtlety, and the cinematography, as well as the music I found to be so, so bland. Kind of got some trashy entertainment value out of it, but couldn't enjoy it any further than that.

I was only medium interested in this movie until I saw this review

[galactic-rhea]

One day i will create some serious art. But that day isn't today.

the individual art under the cut!

[badlydrawnstarwars]

going through it

[cc-tens]

YOU DONT UNDERSTAND, IM OBSESSED WITH THIS MAN

Like why is this so fucking funny to me

[izzystizzys]

As High Marshall Commander, a title foisted on him by the Galaxy’s fakest bitch aka Chancellor Palpatine, Fox theoretically has privileges and authorities like no other clone. In practice, he has a headache and gets ignored more obviously than before.

What he also has is a fancy new function on his personal comm unit modified to broadcast GAR-wide to all commanding officers, up to and including Jedi. It gathers dust next to his own modified button that sees much better use - a private channel to Stone, the only vod that will let Fox bitch at him to his heart’s content without hanging up (Thire) or bitching right back (Thorn).

It’s been a long shift of 72 hours, the maximum Stabby allows him to do without a well-placed hypo to the neck, when Fox finally collapses on his rickety cot in the Command quarters and hits the private comm connection to Stone without looking. He’s already rolling his eyes so hard it tweaks at the migraine that’s been building since hour 18 and heaving a put-upon sigh.

“Everyone is stupid, Stone, and asking to be thrown face-first from the Dome balustrades”, he begins, settling into a low, dead tone of voice to warm to the building monologue. It’s a marathon, not a sprint. “I swear to haran I’m going to wring Amedda’s stringy neck one of these days. I don’t know what magical Force gods his mother pissed off, but they made sure to punish her and the Galaxy at large a hundred times over. He sucks the joy and competence out of every room like a black hole of stupid. I’d call him a has-been, but I trust in the power of nepotism and also just don’t believe he ever was. I swear he’s doing it on purpose and - oh, kriffing Sith-damned hells, you know who’s definitely doing it on purpose?! The kriffing Chancellor, that wrinkly ass-faced ballsack!”

Taking a deep breath, Fox lets that sit in his chest for a moment, indulging in the feeling of bright weightlessness. “I swear he’s trying to keep the war going - no one man can be that incompetent and still draw breath, not even Amedda or Taa. Goddamn Taa - but anyways, kriffing hell, Stone, either the senility isn’t an act or he’s a bad cartoon villain from Dooby Scoo. Yes Sir, sending Senator Amidala to a Seppie-infested planet for negotiations is a great idea after her fourth bomb threat of the week. No Sir, I can’t hear you cackling evilly with Count Dooku under your lame two-credit robe as you’re definitely not colluding with the Republic’s enemies. What, you have a red lightsaber?! Oh, of course I don’t know what that means, I was dropped on the head as a tubie!”

Barely pulling in a harsh breath, Fox continues, palms pressing into his eyeballs hard enough to cause sparks. “And speaking of lightsabers and senile fucks, haran smite my ass off but who the kriff thought it’d be a good idea to give absolute tactical and military authority to the kriffing eldritch space monks! The Force didn’t bless them with the collective good sense it gave to a kriffing rock, and I’m tired of pretending otherwise! Has anyone kriffing read the Theed Convention of Sentient Rights in Wartimes?! NO?!! Well, color me UNSURPRISED, because war crimes ARE NOT! GOOD! BATTLE! TACTICS!!”

“They run around in crop tops, Stone, in crop tops! Oh, the Force provides - WELL I’M GOING TO PROVIDE MY FOOT UP YOUR ASS, AND IT’S GOING TO HURT BECAUSE YOU’RE NOT WEARING KRIFFING ARMOUR!”

“Sure, let’s send the preteens into active warzones under heavy artillery in kriffing party wear! Surely nothing will ever go wrong! And give them commanding positions equivalent to CC-clones, WHO WERE LITERALLY GENETICALLY CREATED FOR IT! WITH A DECADE OF INTENSE TRAINING! LET’S DO THAT, BECAUSE WE’RE ALL KRIFFING STUPID!”

He’s gesturing wildly at the ceiling now, face heating up as his blood boils beneath the surface. “And you know what really gets my lowers in a twist, apart from the preteen commanding officers and blatant kriffing high treason and war profiteering?! Is it the complete lack of recognition? Gratitude? Basic sentient rights?! No, Stone, no, I would take all that in stride if it meant I never had to see Skywalker and Amidala kriffing canoodle right in front of me again, and pretend like it isn’t the galaxy’s worst conflict of interest case in the making!”

“By all levels of Sith-hell, what the kriff is wrong with that woman? You have it all, you could have anyone, and you choose that twatwaffle?! And then they have the gall to lock themselves in a broom closet for twenty minutes straight and have me guard it! ‘Oh yes, Senator, naturally we all go rattling brooms with our good friends! Nothing dodgy happening at all! I definitely believe you were looking for detergent and have used a washing machine before!’ The absolute nerve on those two! And then last week - you’ll never believe this - High General Windu passed by, and I swear he looked like he wanted to throw himself off the roof! I’ve never been less impressed by anyone in my life, and I’m batch-mates with Bly!”

“Speaking of Bly, that little bitchtit - if I have to edit one more, one more kriffing propaganda piece of him staring at General Secura’s bits, I’m going to stab my eye out! And if I have to edit one more of Secura staring at his bits, I’m going to stab the other one out! The only good thing I have to say about them is they’re more subtle than Skywalker and Amidala, which means nothing really. I will never understand that woman - but then she’s worked with Jar Jar Binks for a decade and not had a nervous breakdown, so she either has nerves of steel or is on some good-ass drugs.”

“Girl, your choices. And you know what else is a choice? Kote kriffing roundhouse-kicking heads off droids when he has a perfectly good blaster right there! I don’t know what the Longnecks put in his tube, but I hope to kriff it’s not contagious. I’d say I’m glad he has Kenobi to keep him in check, but that man wouldn’t know common sense if it punched his nose clean off his face. Flirting with General Grievous, ugh. I’d say he can do better, but honestly, they deserve each other.”

“And Wolffe - “, panting, Fox pauses, considering. “Well, Wolffe is an asshole and stupid, and I hate him because he’s stupid and has a stupid face. Also he keeps drunkenly submitting adoption paperwork on General Koon’s behalf - I wish I could say something mean about that, but honestly, his existence is roast enough. Anyways, bitches are trying me today, and by bitches I mean everyone. Commander Fox signing off to go not commit treason, unfortunately.”

Thoroughly powered out, Fox sinks into his hard mattress with a deep sigh. Several seconds of silence reign, and then his comm unit starts blaring in alarm.

Somewhere in the Jedi Temple, Mace Windu is knocked flat on his ass by a gargantuan shatterpoint exploding.

[ventresses]

Star Wars: The Phantom Menace (3/?)

Star Wars + Text Posts & Headlines

[apath3t1c-pr1nc3]

I'm literally garbage at anything and everything that has to do with art please don't mind the hair and clothes I'm still learning 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏

jailed maul

[stealingpotatoes]

Jar Jar Binks is a sith lord

but how would he wear the helmet...

[gffa]

#SOMEONE SHOW THIS LEGO MULTIVERSE GAME TO GEORGE LUCAS #SHOW HIM THE DARTH JAR JAR SCENE #JUST TO WATCH HIS SOUL LEAVE HIS BODY #HE IS SO EXHAUSTED BY THE DARTH JAR JAR THEORY #THAT FAMOUS STORY ABOUT SOMEONE GOING UP TO HIM AT A PARTY TO ASK HIM ABOUT IT #AND GEORGE CUTS HIM OFF BEFORE HE CAN FINISH #AND IS JUST LIKE NO IN A WAY YOU CAN TELL THIS IS NOT THE FIRST TIME HE'S BEEN ASKED #YOU KNOW HE HATES IT BY THIS POINT #I WANT SOMEONE TO FILM IT AND I WANT TO SEE HIM JUST DEFLATE LIKE A WEEK OLD BIRTHDAY BALLOON #PLEASE DO IT IT'D BE SO FUNNY

[saphronethaleph]

Tartle

“Therefore…” Jar Jar said, swallowing slightly to get over his nerves. “Mesa propose given emergency powers, to…”

Then his mind went completely blank.

He couldn’t remember the name of the guy he was meant to be giving emergency powers to.

He couldn’t remember the name of the guy’s office.

Boss? No, no, that wasn’t right… big bombad boss-man? No, that wasn’t it either!

The whole room seemed caught in a singing tension, and Jar Jar wasn’t sure if he was thinking quickly or if everyone was staring at him and that just made it worse.

Then he had a sudden realization.

The point of these emergency powers was to make it so they could rescue Padme and Anakin and Obi-Wan – and the boss guy whose name he couldn’t remember hadn’t wanted them, he’d said so, he’d just said it was necessary to cut through all of the gridlocken arguing.

But – but it didn’t have to be the boss man guy.

“-Jedi Master Yoda!” Jar Jar finished, in a gasp, then practically collapsed back on the seat of the senate pod.

Cheers and shouts immediately filled the Senate hall, calling for the approval of the motion, and Jar Jar swallowed because he felt short of breath.

This public speakin’ business was way scarier than fighting an army! And that was plenty scary enough itself, too…

Palpatine’s eyes twitched, and he forced himself to relax his hand.

He had been… outplayed. Disastrously so. In a way he had absolutely not anticipated.

That idiot gungan had seemed like the perfect patsy, and it had been so important to his plans that everyone agree with the need for the emergency powers… and that nobody suspect how much he dearly wanted and needed the authority to cut through the factionalism in the Senate.

It had taken decades of work to create that factionalism, of encouraging different groups to vote strategically to obfuscate their preferred courses of action on different subjects, so that nobody but himself was aware that three quarters of the Senate would vote according to his wishes because so many of them were persuaded that he was their highest placed and most secret ally.

All to create the gridlock that emergency powers would be needed to cut through.

But now… now that idiot gungan had ruined everything. Someone had pulled his strings so masterfully that Palpatine couldn’t even see them.

[teathattast]

[go-see-a-starwar]

💗 Yousa are Kenough 💗 (source)

[galactic-rhea]

Draw an au where jar jar is the sith lord and anakin doesn't turn to the dark side cos he hates him more than sand

Actually, I will put my hands on the fire and say that, given that Jar Jar, besides Padmé and Obi-Wan is the only person that knew Anakin as a little kid in Tatooine, and then, he was also the only one besides Padmé to call him "Ani", and that he refers to him as a friend, and that Anakin in AOTC actually starts rambling about his insecurities about Padmé inmediatly and during a mission in Naboo, he never showed that much annoyance towards Jar Jar, I really, really doubt Anakin hates Jar Jar, I think he considers him a bit of a friend lol

[incorrectstarwarsquotess]

Can you do Anakin and Ashoka?

Of course!

Anakin: How stupid do you think I am?

Ahsoka: About the same level as Jar Jar.

Anakin, on the verge of tears: You fucking take that back.

[star-wars-forever]

[shiftythrifting]