#wish this was real and possible irl

[bananasfosterparent]

I find it funny sometimes when people suggest lamenting on your consort Tav being depressed and mopey over what and who they could have been if only they hadn't done that darned ritual *shakes fist*

But like... Efenity was... broke. Penniless. Homeless. Living on the streets in an abandoned house just outside the city that she shared with another criminal. She'd break into someone's house just to use the bathtub every other day. Agreeing to situationships with shady men who really only liked her for the dommy mommy vibes. Convincing herself that opening up and getting "official" with anyone was a mistake. That only leads to more grief, more pain, more loss.

Pre-game events, Efenity was working on a plan for stealing/skimming millions in gold over time from a charity organization run by a rich family. While she had high hopes to reach her goal of living in a mansion and living lavish (and alone) with her own criminal ring to support her... in reality she would have just gotten caught and arrested. Probably would just stew in her rage, angering the wrong people and winding up dead.. or defeated so much that she wishes she was.

Getting kidnapped and having a worm shoved in her eye was the single greatest thing that could have ever happened to her and there isn't a single thing in her journey that she regrets--except manipulating Shadowheart. But that's literally it.

If she's lamenting while sitting on a chaise with hand done embroidered demask designs and gold filigree backing, wearing her fluffy feathery robe while her Lord lays his head on her lap and she strokes his hair and ears about what "could have been" it ain't gonna be about something better.

While I totally understand the angst angle and would actually be comfortable checking out other people's versions of it, if I didn't associate it with such horrible negativity and discourse there's such a great power fantasy and positive dark romance here that gets ignored and poopooed by so many, without even the slightest consideration that maybe... just maybe... it's actually pretty darn valid and cathartic too, once you take off your Bias Goggles.

I wish more people were once again willing to let themselves explore their creativity in fiction enough to not care about the opinions of others not in your head, not developing your Tav, and not writing your story. YOUR Tav has their own unique story and it's ENTIRELY in your hands.

[welcometogrouchland]

they shouldn't let me stay up past midnight bc then I start identifying every single problem I've ever had. No solutions found. Net zero personal progress and 0.5 hours of sleep are achieved

[astrxealis]

hi guys please wish me luck for my college entrance exam tomorrow for one of my dream schools xoxo

[laughingtale]

tag rambling ab latest chapter (again) bc i am normal always

[smileymoth]

The Reunion

So guys we did it, i finally finished a piece of writing. It is about Etho meeting up with Bdubs again after Bdubs returns from the Rift. Very fun 1k fic. They hug 👍

***

After the rift had opened, many of the hermits had decided to join Grian on the guest of finding out what resides on the other side — which is how half the server had become a ghost town for Etho. 

And even after a week, they still hadn’t returned. A majority of his friends were gone, at least he still had Beef to hang out with, but he too tended to be busy. Etho hadn’t seen Bdubs for a while. He wouldn’t hear from him or the rest of his friends for who knows how long. He didn’t want to worry, but the feeling of loneliness had been difficult to forget about. His heart ached in hope that nothing bad had happened to them. He had considered following them through the rift to try and find Bdubs, but decided against it, in case he too would have got stuck behind a malfunctioning portal.

Sometimes he would go back to the monolith and walk up the stairs to Bdubs' bedroom and tidy up the plants, water them, weed them — he always loved gardening, so he tended the greenery with joy. Bdubs hadn’t asked him to take care of his plants, but he had felt like it would be the most logical thing to do. Every day after work was finished, he would walk up to the tree of whimsy and sit underneath it, reading until the Sun started setting before he flew home again. He refused to admit that he missed him, it felt stupid, yet in his heart he hoped that Bdubs missed him as well. 

The moment the rift had been fixed, one by one the hermits started to return from the other dimension, dragging along some people who most certainly did not belong to the server. First thing on Bdubs’ mind had been Etho. Etho, Etho, Etho;  he wished to tell him about the Empire they had built, how he had become a god, how the rift had broken, and he wanted to introduce him to his new friends who had followed through. He was still wearing the shiny glowstone cloak from when he became a god, he shone like an actual star that had fallen down to Earth when he walked around. 

When Etho noticed a spark of light approaching him, he pulled out his sword to protect himself, only to lower it when he noticed a pair of loving sparkly eyes. It was him, he was back. He had been so busy wielding, he had forgotten to check the communicator, he excused himself for not noticing. Before any other thoughts rummaged his mind, he was roughly pulled into a hug as Bdubs launched himself at Etho. "Etho!!! My love!!! I have missed you so!" He cheered, and as he was no longer in the Sun; the light no longer reflected back from him. He always called Etho his love, as he did with everyone else he cared for, and Etho found it incredibly endearing. 

"Bdubs..." he replied silently as he cradled his face into the crook of his neck, eyes closed in relief. "You're okay." 

"Of course I'm okay! Oh it was so much fun, I wish you had joined us." his arms tightened the grip around him. 

"Can you, first, tell me what you're wearing?" Etho muttered, hands racking up the weird textured fabric. They felt like crystals, sequins, like velvet, all at the same time, he was warm in the coldest way, it confused him to no end. 

Bdubs pulled away from him, hands still on the other's sides, "Sit down. This is important, now." he declared with a mischevious grin. 

"Ok..ay" Etho chuckled hesitantly, settling down on the ground, eyes glued to his friend. 

Bdubs' giggled in excitement as he jumped ontop of a nearby anvil, holding his hands and head up, "I became the god of the Sun!" he declared, to which Etho couldn't help but laugh. "What? Do you not believe me?" he sounded offended enough for the other man to close his mouth and stare. "That's what I thought," crossing his arms, he glared back. 

"Can you.. prove it to me?" Etho smiled apologetically, shifting in his position.

"If you insist, my love." He grumbled in a calm tone, hopping down the anvil and kneeling down right infront of Etho, "Now, look into my eyes," he put his hands on his shoulders, waiting for Etho to comply, "Ok, good, now... listen closely." he said, "I am the god of the Sun, and you will. You will, believe me." 

Etho kept holding the eyecontact he usually avoided out of uncomfort, now for sure thinking it was some sort of a joke that Bdubs was pulling on him just to get him to stare into his sparkly eyes. Bdubs knew how much he struggled to not shift his view anywhere but the eyes. His demeanor didn’t seem too promising, he knew him well enough, right? Those thoughts only remained until he was dazed by a warm bright light that hit him like a tidal wave. When he opened his eyes again, everything around him was blinding with light, Bdubs was smiling at him like the happiest man alive. All that he could do was look around in awe, everything shone, the flowers gleamed in gold and the cold warm feeling was overtaking him. But slowly the light around him disappeared, the world now looking dull compared to before. His gaze stopped on the man before him. He was left absolutely speechless.

"Sooo do you believe now?"  Bdubs chirped in joy, tilting his head to the side.

"...How could… How could I not?" He tried to find the words.

"Exactly. Never have I ever lied to you. I would n e v e r."

Etho chuckled at that, nodding in sarcastic agreement, to which Bdubs tugged his hair with a frown. "Ow!" he laughed as a response, furrowing his brows.

"How dare you think I'd ever lie to you." letting go of his hair, he moved over to sit by his friend’s side, wrapping his arms around him for comfort. "Well, as nice as it was without you insulting me, I sure missed this place." he murmured.

"And I missed you." Etho whispered back, feeling weird for saying it out loud. 

Bdubs only hummed happily in response, nuzzling himself against him, "I can't wait to sleep in my own bed again." 

[iridescentis]

losing my mind a little

[saphic-with-t]

Silly little gay girls

Kelly and Ari bc it's October

[bite-dispenser]

Sitting on my parents couch at near midnight dealing with the crippling anxiety that is existing as a disabled person in the U.S. and having to deal with the fact that if I don’t get some kind of healthcare in the next five years I will likely be plunged into inescapable medical debt due to my disabilities. Then the fact that I will likely be stuck to whatever job supplies me with said healthcare no matter what.

[chaysreality222]

‧₊˚ ⋅♡𓂃 ࣪ ִֶָ☾.✧˖ °

. ۫ ꣑ৎ . 𝐈 𝐒𝓗𝐈𝐅𝓣𝐄𝐃 𝓑𝐔𝐓 𝐓𝓞 𝓐𝐍 𝓤𝐍𝓚𝐍𝓞𝐖𝐍 𝓡𝐄𝐀𝓛𝐈𝐓𝓨 . ۫ ꣑ৎ .

i'm beyond happy to be making a post like this. as you can tell by the title, I'VE SHIFTED! but the catch is i shifted to some unknown reality. still extremely proud of myself and happy, but there's just an ounce of disappointment that it wasn't one of my scripted drs. i've been waiting to tell you guys about it, so let's get into it!

the night of june 24th, 2024, i had chose to take the night off from attempting to shift and just sleep because the previous night i had already attempted to shift through my lucid dream. i fell asleep on accident and woke up at least once, and then fell back asleep.

i fell into a dream where something personal had happened where it caused me to be really sad. to set the setting, it was extremely late at night and i had been coming home. i needed to shower especially to get my mind off things. i checked my phone that was on the bathroom counter before my shower and it switched from 1:30 something am to 3:33 am.

This is when i became lucid. tmi my armpits were extremely unkept. (i feel like this was my dream showing me an insecurity of mine bc i had just waxed and was afraid of the hair growing back weird omg. but after i had stopped feeling insecure and told myself that it's just a dream and it's not like that irl, it went back to normal).

after that moment was passed, i was so exhausted and as i was showering i decided to sit down for a second on the ground of the tub. i was so tired and sad that in my mind i was thinking about how i wanted to just shift so badly. didn't matter what reality it was, i just needed it at that moment.

i laid my head back on the wall of the tub, then my eyes started to drift closed. i started to experience shifting symptoms from inside the lucid dream. there was flashing lights i saw through my eyelids, i felt a sense of floating, numbness accompanied by tingles down my body, and the room felt like it was spinning.

i naturally had woken up. (i'd say i just opened my eyes but it felt like i had woken up like any other time i've ever woken up in my original reality). i noticed i shifted! i didn't even question it, because i didn't have to. just as we are right now, wherever you are reading this, that's how real and natural everything was. you know for a fact you aren't dreaming right now, this is reality. that's the closest way of how i could explain how i knew i shifted.

my surroundings hadn't changed though. it was still the same bathroom setting like i had been in like that dream which i found to be an exact replica of my original reality (or) bathroom. the lights were off but candles had been placed around the bathroom to create this peaceful ambience. it was really nice. i felt the hot water running down my skin as it hit the top of my head, as well as the steam. i could also feel the tiles of the wall and the tub beneath my bare feet.

i also didn't feel the immense sadness and heaviness i was experiencing in my dream anymore. you know when you woke up from being scared or sad in the dream, and you feel a sense of relief because it wasn't real? that's the feeling i had been feeling but also happiness and curiosity from me shifting.

as i was just standing in the water and taking it all in, that's when the ounce of disappointment hit me that i shifted to some place but my actual scripted drs. in which i understand you can shift to unscripted places, but you guys get what i'm saying. i guess it's my fault for not focusing on any of my drs and instead hoping for any reality possible. (please don't take the disappointment i had felt to any offense! i'm extremely happy i shifted, just wish it was to my waiting room dr, etc). but hey, i shifted and that is what matters!

then i decided to shift back! i had no reason of staying there any longer and a part of me didn't want to get out of the shower and open that bathroom door. since it was a random reality, i didn't want to mess around and find out.

i was ready to go back to my or! and even though i had been thinking about my or, i didn't just shift back like i always thought i would or was always afraid of happening when i had shifted to say my hogwarts dr. it was just like every other thought i've had about my drs here! just because you or i think about our drs during the day here, doesn't mean we will just be pulled out of this reality and shifted over there. i hope i'm making sense, but i'm sure you guys understand what i'm saying.

anyway, i set the intention to shift back to my or and said my safeword as i closed my eyes. it's hard to explain but i could feel my consciousness shifting back to my or? then i had woken up back in my or! i checked the time and it was around 4 am on june 25, 2024. i believe i had been in my dr for a total of at least 8-10 minutes. i couldn't believe i had just shifted realities, but i was also dead tired. so i went back to sleep! but i have to say throughout that day, i was exhausted and still processing my shifting experience. so exhausted, i didn't really have the motivation to do much of anything.

first of all, thanks to those of you keeping up with my shifting journey and never failing to continue motivating me. it means a lot to be apart of this community of caring and helpful people <3 next stop is my waiting room dr! also a quick question to the experienced shifters out there, does dealing with the exhaustion after shifting get easier? thanks! as always, happy shifting!

xoxo, c!

[thighguys]

Phan Fic Recs!!

here's a bunch of my absolute favorites for anyone who needs a distraction from the election <3 i will make a second post with shorter ones as well, this post will just be fics that are over 10k

Inheriting Love by Fictropes (22k)- Dan is a lawyer who executes wills in a small town in the English countryside, and Phil's aunt leaves him a house. One of the cutest fics I've read recently tbh, lots of banter and cows<3

Silver Arrows to the Heart by @evermorepeyton (137k, WIP)- How could i POSSIBLY make a rec list without including this masterpiece??? Dan and Phil are Formula 1 drivers, chaos ensues<3 sooooo much fun (and there are some really beautiful cool women in there too, just as a treat)

dancing on the blades (you set my heart on fire) by kishere (123k)- Dan is an amateur figure skater who scores a spot at the famous Lester training gym, where he meets the legendary Phil Lester and of course they fall in love... this one has sooo many cute fetus moments and wonderful cameos from Kath<3 absolutely love it

Like a Bowl of Oranges by cloej88 (@bitchslapblastoids) (47k)- Phil is a filmmaker looking to amplify queer stories in the media, Dan is a ghostwriter who's been writing a memoir on the side, you can guess what happens next. very VERY fun fic, lots of drama and lovely reflection, as well as the softest scenes between them. love this one (and the author :3)

The Odd Uneven Time by @yikesola (20k)- A 2009 fic from Phil's perspective, falling in love with a boy over the Internet. Absolutely WONDERFUL vibes, so so so cute (and it probably happened in real life ahaha)

Live Incidentally by yikesola (37k)- Phil makes novelty t-shirts and Dan buys them :) really funny, also some great Lester family moments

The Pianist Everyone Is Talking About... Is My Husband by @natigail (25k)- Dan is a famous pianist, Phil plays his songs on the radio, but nobody knows that they're actually married. Lots of chaos ensues, crazy fangirls can feel super represented, and Dan laughs at Phil about it all<3 this fic is so funny lol, highly HIGHLY recommend

Kick Me While I'm Down by jerserker (14k)- Dan and Phil join an adult kickball league! Phil just wants to make friends, and Dan... kicks everyone's asses <3 Really funny competitive Dan, fun times honestly :)

missing the obvious by Fictropes (14k)- Dan plays videogames in an anonymous Discord server at night, and during the day he goes to his boring office job and hooks up with his coworker Phil in bathroom stalls... I wonder how these two things could possibly be connected...

Our House by sierradeux (50k)- Dan is a real estate agent, Phil is a Youtube house flipper, they team up to cohost an HGTV renovation special and fall in love. With the house, obviously. But also with each other <3 this is one of my favorites guys I think it should be required reading for everyone on phannie tumblr

maybe this christmas by blackbirddan (13k)- it's November, im allowed to rec christmas fics now, right??? anyway, this one is HUGE for fans of the Lester and Howell families, just so so so soft and sweet and awesome<3

Strictly Come Dancing but make it GAY by natigail (176k)- i mean this one has a pretty self explanatory title... read for super hot dancer Phil, awkward celebrity Dan, and so so so many beautiful outfit and dance descriptions :3 seriously, I wish I could watch this season irl :( this is for sure in my top 3 fics of all time to be so honest

they grew up so nicely, didn't they? by natigail (15k)- Cornelia pov on meeting the boy Phil brought home, and then throughout the years. SO CUTE!!!!! really big for fans of outsider pov (me)

okie dokie<3 i will be making an under 10k rec list as well, so be on the lookout for that one!

[cookies-in-chees]

I wish those Mouthwashing fans would stop attacking everyone who draws Anya as pregnant. First of all I'm pretty sure (Im not an abortion expert so I might be wrong) even if they got back to Earth safely Anya would be too far along to get one so it's not realistic but that's not even my main issue.

Mouthwashing is a PSYCHOLOGICAL HORROR GAME that is about people's bodily autonomy being stripped away from them. Yes Anya could kill that thing in a perfect world, but the world of Mouthwashing is very specifically not a perfect world and Anya's pregnancy is incredibly important to the narrative. "But they said it was a good ending au" ok and usually Curly is still severely burned, obviously this is a good RELATIVE TO CANON AU, not the sunshine, rainbows and baby bunnies au.

Anya's pregnancy is the catalyst for everything that happens in the story. While yes there are definitely pro-lifers who are making content like that to push their agenda, that's not where most of this is coming from, and attacking random who people are drawing psychological horror art for the psychological horror game for it just makes you look like an asshole.

I know "Drawing something doesn't mean you condone it irl" Is largely used in shipping discourse but I feel like Mouthwashing fans should be able to understand that "Exploring dark/depressing themes in art, especially fan art of a game like Mouthwashing, does not mean that you think that this is the best possible situation in the real world"

Edit: Also (while I don't think people who do this are bad or media illiterate) I feel like just saying "Well in my AU Anya can just abort that thing and everyone else who does it differently is wrong" kinda misses the point of Mouthwashing. As I said Mouthwashing is a game about the horror of losing bodily autonomy and how these men have failed Anya, it is incredibly important to the narrative and horror of the game that Anya is forced to keep the baby. 

Obviously, I think people should be allowed to write AU’s where Anya has the choice of getting rid of the baby because it is a nice alternate universe but to me at least it feels like a bit of a cop-out. These au’s actively reject one of the main themes of this game and the creators tend to (not all of them, just some) act like they are better than everyone else who tries to engage with it because conveniently getting rid of one of the most important parts of the game's story and horror makes them feel better even if it ruins the narrative. Don’t get me wrong making an AU so you can feel better is great, I do that all the time, but you shouldn’t be harassing people for doing things differently. (Oh yeah and harassing people over AU’s is extremely childish and gross)

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

Hi there! trans guy in recovery from moral OCD and has a fauxcest/Mommy kink,

sometimes, kinks are metaphorical representations of things you have experienced before, or have conversely never experienced but wish you could. for instance, there are people who are into cnc kink and similar because of things that happened in their past, or because they struggle with feeling like they're allowed to want sex/arousal/whatever is being "forced" on them, or for other reasons that still fall into the above categories.

but just as often, people kink on things for no discernable reason, or they're not interested in investigating the why's so long as everything is as consensual and safe as possible. they kink on the labels of parenthood because of the taboo and power dynamic, and generally don't have any sort of fraught or inappropriate relationship with IRL parents.

and then, very often, these two groups overlap, and are joined by others with myriad uncountable reasons why they kink on what they do.

all of this to say, thought crimes aren't real, and unless you are actively pursuing unsafe, inappropriate, and/or actually non-consensual acts, you do not need to worry about your kinks and their deeper meanings--because there isn't always one, and it doesn't literally mean you want it to happen IRL in every single way it could realistically happen.

what I've found is most helpful for my moral OCD and anxiety around kinks and sexuality is figuring out what sort of container to put my worries in. very often, they're counteracted by the container "People Are Allowed To Have Fantasies And Play Pretend With Consenting Partners, And I Qualify as 'People', Too", but I invite anyone else struggling with the "morality" of their kinks to find their own container that makes sense for them.

also hi sex witch thank you for being such an amazing resource and sounding board 💖

⬆️⬆️⬆️

[howisjoostfanfictionforfree]

Twice as Many Shadows

Joost Klein x Vampire!reader

Real person fiction!

CW: 18+, MDNI, RPF, getting roofied, attempted sexual assault, body horror, reference to violence against animals, cannibalism, no smut yet sorry (that’s in part 3 heehee), obligatory club scenes, countless other cliches, please let me know if I’ve forgotten anything

Reader: vampire!reader, female!reader, not descriptive with reader’s appearance but I did give them a bit of personality and a backstory that I hope does not detract from the ability to self insert,,,, yeah I may have gone too hard on backstory

Other notes: Story takes place Fall of 2022,,,,Also big thanks to my irl bestie for his help identifying stray plot bunnies and big thanks to @joosthead for always encouraging me and giving me so much advice over time when it comes to writing! You’re amazing!!!

Word count: ~5,900

Real person fiction! Beware! 👻

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You’ve been so many places over the past few years but Amsterdam is a first.

The Netherlands club scene tickles you and Amsterdam is the center of it all. Bouncing from city to city and country to country has kept you sane but this place has you pausing for the first time in what feels like forever.

The energy of summer saturated the nightlife when you arrived and parties raged until the dawn. Festival season was loud and unignorable but even the mainstay clubs and bars were full to bursting for months on end. Anywhere a body could fit there was a party to accommodate.

Even now as long warm nights turn crisper and darker as summer turns to autumn, the Dutch party on and you find yourself carried away by the momentum they never seem to lose.

It’s easy to stay. Maybe it's just been long enough since you started all this that you feel like you can breathe normally. Maybe you're just far enough away.

Maybe it really is just something about Amsterdam.

You’re growing attached to this place. You dread the day you will have to leave.

He catches your eye at the club. You notice him first, of course. Can hear him from clear across the room despite the bone-rattling music and a hundred other people.

It’s a Friday night and you itch to be among the crowd. Close enough to feel like one of them and share in their moment. You wish it were yours. You will make it yours too, just like always. 

Something about the exact way he looks and the exact way he speaks to his group of friends is so striking you couldn't ignore him if you tried. He jokes with an open affection that just shouldn't be possible in words chosen so crass and shouted so loud. Never have you heard ‘cancer dick’ sound like an endearment. 

He is so yellow and pink and blue. Your three new favorite colors. Golden hair almost luminescent under the black lights. Cheeks as pink as his flashy jacket. Eyes bluer than the toxic looking drink in his hand.

You couldn't say whether or not he is conventionally handsome. The sight of him immediately fills a space in your brain you didn't know existed like a lock and key and bowls over your pre-existing notions of the word.

Every part of his face fits in perfect proportion to the rest in a way you have never seen and it has you floored.

There's nothing unusual about it, nothing you can put your finger on, just something absolutely entrancing. 

He isn't just beautiful either. That perfect face is radiating an attitude like no one else in the room. No one else looks as happy, as carefree, as genuinely joyous. You can hear it in his words, see it in how he dances like he doesn't care who is watching. You can tell he doesn't. 

How long has it been since you felt such strong attraction? It makes you stupidly nostalgic for how simple things like this might have been when you were human.

You could have flirted with him, danced with him, maybe even taken him home, gotten his number in the morning.

Now, he is everything you want, everything you want to be, and most definitely everything you can't have. 

Not like that at least. He wouldn't have you. 

He catches your gaze from across the floor. Yeah, you probably are staring aren’t you. But you don’t look away. One perk of your creature status is a much increased ability to not give a fuck. Even when you really really should. His eyes rove over you and his face breaks into what you would call a smirk. 

You want to see it fall as you bite a chunk out of him. 

Okay, time to leave. Better get out of here before you do something weird. Turning away, you weave through the crowd. You feel his eyes on you the whole way out.

Literally. Vampires can do that. 

The itch of his gaze evaporates as you step out the door and reach for a cigarette. Disgusting but necessary. Perfect for blotting out all the people-smells that you’re suddenly having a harder time than usual ignoring.

The first drag is fucking toxic but it’s immediately easier not to focus on the cocktail of male sex hormones the club atmosphere provided. You wonder which are his of the dozens dancing on your tongue. 

The overlap between sexual attraction and the urge to hold someone between your jaws still surprises you sometimes. Of course it isn’t always about sex. You could want to eat someone you hated just as bad. Most often it’s a complete stranger.

It’s like squares and rectangles. You might not think about fucking someone every time you need blood, but every time you do want to fuck, you also want to sink your teeth in. 

If you’re being honest though, this observation is based on fairly brief encounters with fairly drunk men. In reality, you haven’t gotten any in a while. Years in fact. Literal monster behavior seems to be a bit of a turn off for most men and sexy encounters always end the moment you get a good few gulps in and their struggling makes you start to feel guilty. 

You sigh. This is far from the first time you’ve wondered at this particular predicament. Why can’t a girl get some?

You flick the butt to the ground and grind it out with your heel. It’s about time to head home. You came out to have fun and you don’t actually need to feed right now. Even if you did, it would probably go poorly given the mood you’re in. 

You don’t have the archetypical problem of killing people when you feed, not that you’ve never killed anyone, but the trauma level for whichever poor person you choose on a given night can vary greatly depending on your state of mind and right now you’re feeling a little worked up. It might be more bloody than usual. 

Ideally, it’s always drunk people you feed on, as fucked up as that sounds, in the end they usually remember less. That or sleeping people.

God. So much noncon. 

But a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do. Blood banks actually ask a lot of questions and you’ve never felt like trying to intimidate a doctor into faking a condition for you, too afraid of catching their interest and becoming a science experiment.

There aren’t any vampires you've met yet that could point you in a helpful direction either. You never even got to know the vampire that turned you. 

The exact circumstances of your metamorphosis were actually a bit of a mystery. You had no memory of being bitten.

One night you came-to in the middle of the street, blocks away from where you should have been, shoulder bloody, and within the hour you were crawling out of your skin as you transformed. 

Outwardly, you looked no different, but that night your senses shifted and heightened and your bones and muscle tore apart and regrew stronger in far too short a time. 

It was a good thing you had been alone. You had been with your friends before. It was a girls night out catching the newest Spiderman in theaters.

Sitting there on the pavement, blood seeping into your shirt, you knew there was something off and you stumbled home without finding them. 

When you arrived you realized you were more than just in shock. It hurt. Everything hurt. You should have gone to the hospital. But how could you have known?

It came on fast.

By the time you knew there was something really wrong, you were too weak to make it anywhere in your agony. Too weak to even make it to your phone in your coat pocket hanging on the door. 

In the end, you are glad no one got to witness what happened. What you are sure would have been beyond explanation. The sight of your own flesh writhing under your skin is unforgettable. The tiles of the kitchen floor where you collapsed took days to clean. 

The only thing that kept you from totally freaking out in the moments afterward was the insane thought that maybe you had become Spiderman. As stupid as that sounds.

Not that you were a hero or anything.

That much was clear from the beginning when you stumbled outside to rip into the dog in the yard across the street after realizing you could hear your neighbors through the wall and it was making your mouth water. 

Dogs are disgusting. At least it didn’t die. 

You still watch Spiderman now and then on the days you're feeling a tad existential. Honestly, you wish you could be Spiderman. You don’t really know what you are.

Your heart still beats and you definitely don't sparkle, but your canines are extendable and people really do look delicious sometimes. You feel the need to feed on people but no one you've ever fed on has turned. You checked.

It would be nice if whoever bit you had stuck around to talk it out. In the end, vampire just seemed like the best word for it. 

Never mind the flesh eating part. 

What were you saying? Oh yeah, if you try and find someone drunk enough to not notice a little bite right now, you might accidentally decapitate them. A slight exaggeration, but still. 

The worn cobblestones glitter under the amber lamplights as you make your way down the street towards the tram stop, still thinking about that perfect face.

The breeze carries a real hint of chill now, letting go of the last traces of your favorite summer since you started all this.

The shadows on the water are deeper than you remember ever seeing them. They creep up over the edges of the canals to fill the street and swallow the alley you turn down. 

You make it only a few feet before a group of guys round the opposite corner and take up the entire width of the passage.

Even with the knowledge that they would ultimately move to the side, you don’t want to deal with the urges they might inspire in such a tight space. Not right now.

Somehow you’re only feeling more and more keyed up.

Making a quick decision, you turn around to head back the way you came. The thumping of the bass becomes detectable as you near the club again, rattling you physically to match your internal agitation. 

You round the corner to try going up the other street this time and collide harshly with the exact person you had been looking to get away from. 

What was even the point of being a vampire if you couldn’t avoid clumsy moments like these?

 You take a step back as you raise your hands up slightly in a placating gesture. 

“Het spijt me,” you say trying to dodge around him quickly as his scent absolutely floods your senses. 

Fuck, he smells good. 

The general mixed smells of horny male in the club had been enough when looking at him before, but here and now, you realize you are in real trouble. The way he smells itches something deep in you. You want to fuck him. You also want to bite him. Hard.

Go now. Leave.

He spins as if to follow you as you skirt around him. 

“No problem! Hey I saw you earlier, are you leaving already?” He says in perfect English. He must think you’re a tourist. Technically, you kind of are. 

“Is my accent that bad?” you say, pausing in step to look at him. 

What the fuck are you thinking. You need to go right now. 

He grins. ”Haha, yes a little.” 

You can’t help yourself. You can tell he’s teasing. He was charming before from all the way across the room and he’s just as charming right now. All blond fluff and cheekbones and effortless charisma. You turn to face him fully.

“Well, yeah, I think I’m done for the night,” you say carefully. 

He leans in a little, opens his mouth to say something else, but stops dead when he sees what must be your eyes turning pitch black. 

You feel the subtle tug as it happens. The proximity to something so fucking potent as he leans forward pushes you over an edge you didnt even know was there. You’re literally engaging night vision like you’re going to hunt him or something. Ridiculous. You haven't had this problem in years. 

“Fuck!” he stumbles back. “Your eyes! A-Are you…….What!?” 

You’re still just standing there and you can tell he doesn’t know what to say. For as much as pop culture loves the supernatural, no one is ever actually prepared to encounter it.

You can tell he isn’t drunk enough to forget what he’s seeing right now but once again you don’t care like you probably should.

You allow your gaze to flit from his shocked stare down to his lips and then, after a moment, to his throat. When you look up again, it’s obvious he’s blushing. His eyes have become so dark they could rival your own if it weren't for the sclera.

Less than a second later, the smell of his arousal hits you.

What the fuck?

It stirs you more intensely than you thought possible and you know it's now or never. Leave or absolutely traumatize this beautiful stranger. 

You summon all your willpower and turn tail and run.

You don’t even try to conceal your speed. It's dark enough and the risk has to be taken if you stand any chance of getting far enough away to save the situation by the time that willpower runs out. 

Besides, he’s already seen you. 

By the time you reach your street you’re panting. God, that was like four kilometers. Whatever fresh Twilight bullshit that says vampires never run out of stamina is just wrong. You may have done it in a nice neat ten minutes but still, that was rough.

The burning in your chest has you feeling decidedly less sexy and you walk the rest of the way home. 

Home was a small apartment you had found on the edge of the city where you could afford to not have a roommate and the landlady let you pay month by month instead of signing on for a whole year. It was always hard finding places like that.

In the few months you had been there not one of your neighbors was especially loud or smelly or nosey and you counted it a lucky find. It was a perfect spot really, and you were glad it was within your budget.

You had been working remote for the duration of your worldly travels. Even if things got tight sometimes, it was a good enough paying job and you wouldn't trade it for anything since it allowed you to move around when you wanted.

After your great murderous fuck-up, you had found it was very soothing to be out of country, even if you were sure no one was onto you. 

It would be pretty hard to pin anything on you with no body.

As far as you know, the poor guy is still considered missing. Well, you say ‘poor guy,’ but the guy was kind of an asshole. You had never been drugged before, but you could tell for him it was a practiced routine.

The horror of the night started at the bar at the local theater. Not a place you had thought to be on your guard. You were there with a few friends in full costume to catch this month's performance of Rocky Horror.

It was intermission and you were all milling about refilling drinks and stretching your legs and fighting to fit as many people at once into the lone photo booth in the corner. The bar was small and you did not expect to stop there for longer than it took to get a new beer. 

He came up next to you, too close from the get-go considering there was no one else standing there, and made conversation while he had you captive waiting for your drink.

He wasn’t from around there, was visiting he said, and wanted to know what people do for fun. You could tell he really meant he wanted to know what fun he could have with you.

As forward as he was, it wasn't unusually pushy and you were ultimately unbothered when you broke away to find your friends. You never even saw how he managed to dose you. 

You never found your friends.

You don’t even remember how you made it to his car. 

One minute you were walking back to your seat and the next, you were outside. It was cold. Someone was carrying you bridal style.

You were pretty out of it for a good minute. Not sure how long exactly, but long enough that when you started processing things again, you were pulling up by the side of the road near a cow pasture.

He clearly thought you were still out of it because he removed his hand from your thigh, cut the engine, and got out to go around to open your door without a word. 

God knows what he had in mind for you that night, but you never found out because as it happens, he was right, you were still kind of out of it. Not like he had intended, your metabolism already working through a dose surely meant to incapacitate, but you were still loopy enough that logic was miles away and a cold and creeping dread began to fill you as you realized your situation.

The inability to think clearly, though it was getting better with each second, was only more agitating. 

It didn't even occur to you at the time that he stood no chance, that this was all ridiculous. You had been different for too short a time back then.

He was a threat, and one way or another you were about to respond. 

He opened your door. 

You had never felt the kind of fear-panic-rage before that you did in that moment. 

You were up in a flash as soon as he opened it wide enough and dragged him with you into the field.

Your strength was unexpected and his last words were no more than a surprised shout before you ripped his throat out and drank.

Each time he thrashed, the panic fought to overwhelm you and you drank faster to quiet him. He couldn't hurt you if you made him stop moving. 

When he ran dry, the panic-rage still burned and it seemed only natural to take a bite. A real bite. You had to make sure he stopped. 

So you did. 

And then another bite. 

And another and another and before you knew it, he had no head. 

Then, he had no arm and then soon, he only had a leg. 

The only thing you didn’t eat was his clothes. 

When light started to creep over the horizon, you finally came out of your state. You felt both calm and horrified. The threat was gone, but you also didn’t know you could do that. Where did it all go? Forget the size of your stomach, your entire body couldn’t have fit his inside of it. 

It was a little startling at the time. 

You burned his clothes and drove his car to the bottom of a lake. It might have been enough, probably was, but after that you didn’t stick around long to find out.

All this was to say that you enjoyed where you were now. It had been a good couple of years and you were now only vaguely disturbed about your latent abilities. You had even gotten back to the point where you were going back to bars and clubs again!

There was a time when you stayed away after that. You had been slow to return to enjoying nightlife, but Berlin had done wonders in that department and Amsterdam only solidified it. There was something about the Dutch brand of party that made you feel alive.

Tonight put a slight damper on that feeling of progress though. You’re not sure what you would have done to that guy if you hadn't left that very second.

Even if the situation was entirely different, it was the first time since that disastrous night that you have felt so out of control.

You can’t say you felt particularly murderous but you did want to hurt him in ways that make you blush a little now as you trudge up the steps to your door and wrestle with your keys. 

Ugh. You can never repeat that night. 

You will have self control. 

You do have self control. 

Mostly. 

You should just calm down already. As you bolt the door and slip off your shoes, you resolve to make tea and forget about it. Besides, you didn’t really do anything and no one will ever believe him. 

The next day finds you completely normal and you spend your time working. You had a good night's sleep all things considered.

It’s such a good thing that vampires can sleep. Sure, maybe you would get more done if you didn’t, but honestly you think you would go crazy. You love your comfy little nest and you love turning your brain off. It needed to be turned off after that encounter. 

By next week, the entire thing is forgotten (filthy lie) and you feel like it is high time for another visit to the club. Boredom is killer and you can't resist anyways. Last time was surely a one-off.

You do yourself up and make your way downtown. 

The street lamps reflect off the water and the countless neon signs of bars and restaurants give the streets an ethereal glow despite the shadows, deep as ever.

They scatter in in every direction, multiplying in protest of the city lights and gathering themselves to obscure every corner.

The pounding bass spills out the door of every club you pass and the carefree Friday night energy of every person wandering the streets is tangible. 

Amsterdam is so awesome. 

You purposefully choose a new spot you found on Instagram, hoping to avoid running into him again.

You’ve never been big on social media, but ever since your life took you on the road it became critical to your navigation of the world. It took some getting used to, especially with no one in your life to ask more than superficial questions, but you figured it out. 

It still startles you occasionally just how non tech-savvy you can be. It’s not usually an issue but when you forget how to convert file types or struggle to navigate online forums you can't deny you’re a little behind the curve. Honestly, you might as well be a vampire from the 17th century not the 21st. One hidden away in a decaying manor far from modern technology. 

An exaggeration, but it really feels that way sometimes. 

You often pat yourself on the back for learning how to use the software necessary to do your job. Your career hadn’t required it of you before and it was only due to the fuckass pandemic that it had become an option. Now that you had the tech down it was very convenient to be able to do your job virtually.

That had been one of your biggest concerns in the beginning. How were you gonna fund your life on the run if you had to constantly search for new employment? 

When you get to the club it is delightfully similar to the photos and you spend your evening rotating between dancing your ass off and people-watching from the side when the smells and jostling get a little too exciting.

Yes, the club is exciting. The right amount this time around. You feel like a real young adult. You give yourself another pat on the back for your foray into normalcy.

It’s a smaller club on Lange Leidsedwarsstraat. By no means tucked away, but far enough from Leidseplein main square that there are far fewer tourists.

The ice is starting to melt in your drink. You can’t be bothered with it when there is so much to look at.

There can't be more than fifty people crammed in this tiny renovated warehouse but they manage to sport a variety of fashion and dance styles. Inevitably, you spot hakken amongst them. The tangle of decks and mixers on the small raised stage is huge and the lone DJ operating it all glows in alternating colors as lights strobe from behind to scatter over the crowd.

You work your way out of the corner and back onto the dance floor again. The upbeat song playing now hits just the right vibe for how you’re feeling. 

Doe de Fryslân bop

Wist je niet dat ik van Fryslân kom?

Dude, doe de Fryslân bop

Blaas het op als een fietsbandpomp

You bop along for a minute as the song demands and notice a group of several people shouting along much louder than everyone else. They seem to know every word.

One of them facing away from you turns in place as he dances and suddenly you’re locking eyes with the exact same guy. 

Jesus Christ, what are the odds. 

Well, maybe not terrible odds if you consider he’s probably a local. 

But still. Goddammit. 

His face instantly lights up and it would be kind of cute if you weren’t panicking. Those baby blues pack a punch. What happened to not giving a fuck?

Before you can move a single muscle to make your retreat, he is surging towards you through the crowd and  o h   s h i t   you did not expect that.

You thought he’d be running too. Even if he had been surprisingly horny in the face of inhuman eyes, you figured the freakish speed there at the end would have been enough to spook him.

Shocked, you fail to stop him from grabbing your wrist like he can tell you’re gonna make a break for it again. Vampire reflexes who? You open your mouth to protest but before you can say anything he leans in and bites your shoulder.  

What.

WHAT?

You realize you’re shouting it as he pulls away laughing. 

“Fancy seeing you here!” He is way too happy.

“You bit me!”

“Are you gonna bite me back?” 

“What!?”

“C’mon, I know you want to.” The way he waggles his eyebrows should not be attractive. It is.

“Excuse me?!”

“I’ve watched enough tv to know a bloodsucker when I see one.” He looks stupidly smug.

“Yeah, tv. You should probably stop watching so much.”

“Your eyes were beautiful y’know.” You feel your own heart stutter.

“I think you had too much to drink.”

“Please, that was not drunk at all, you should have seen how we ended the night!”

“Yeah, you definitely were. But you’re joking, right? You should know most girls aren’t into roleplay right off the bat.” Maybe you can embarrass him into leaving you be. 

He scoffs and brings his other hand to the back of your head so he can pull you in as he leans down to whisper in your ear. 

“Why did you run?”

You can tell he’s deliberately holding your face close to his throat and god damn him, you know what he is trying to achieve and it works. This close to the source, the other smells of the club can’t run interference.

His presence is just as overwhelming as the first time and the smell of his skin and the thump of his heart is so close now you can’t help your reaction once again.

You feel the familiar tug behind your eyes and the shadows of the room start to melt away. The little silver chain sitting against his clavicles snaps into perfect definition.

He pulls away to gauge your reaction, the sly motherfucker, but his grin melts into stupefied wonder when he sees exactly what he had hoped for. 

“There it is.” He whispers. His heart is beating harder than ever and his scent rushes forward to envelop you even though you are no longer pressed to his neck. He smells like adrenaline. He smells like arousal.

You pout as he drinks you in. He pulled a fast one on you. 

Realizing he’s still holding your wrist, you flex in warning. He grips tighter like he’s afraid to let you go.

“C’mon, I’m not gonna go around gathering a mob with torches and pitchforks, what’s the big deal?”

You hold his gaze. You remember very well what the big deal is. What you are capable of when emotions are this high. He has you feeling something, alright.

But, you have to admit, even though everything about his presence is sending you into the stratosphere, it is nothing like that night. This feeling, albeit intense, is a good one. 

When was the last time someone talked to you like this? After seeing what you were? Never. Maybe you overreacted before. Maybe you can control yourself. As much as you want to rip into his shoulder you're not doing it. You‘re enjoying looking at him too much.

He really is beautiful.

Right now it doesn't feel like you're in danger of a big deal 2.0. Just maybe something equally stupid.

“You know I’ll have to kill you if you out me right?” You look over at the rest of his group where they are still dancing. 

His eyes widen at your indirect confirmation- you are a vampire. His grip becomes stiff and you finally get a whiff of fear. Good. Even if you’re lying, he should know who he’s dealing with. 

He stutters a bit, “I-I told some of my friends I saw something crazy, but they don’t believe me I swear! They just think I was drunk! Like you said!” 

God, he’s outing himself already. He’s so lucky you’re not actually evil. You just laugh and begin swaying to the beat again. You break his hold on your wrist effortlessly now, just a hint of real strength, so you can grab his hand instead. 

“Don’t worry, I’m just teasing. Dance with me?”

Even in the low lighting of the club, you can tell with your shifted vision how hard he’s blushing. In spite of his fear, he smells like he’s ready to fuck you pregnant. 

God, he’s a freak. 

You love it.

He acquiesces after a stunned moment and begins to bounce along with you. After a minute, you see him start mouthing the lyrics and it strikes you again how well he seems to know them. 

“A favorite of yours?” you say. 

”I wrote it!” he exclaims, leaning in. “You like?” 

“Did you really?” You are genuinely skeptical.

He scoffs. “I did! I am huge Netherlands artiest, don’t you know Joost Klein? Also, I know the DJ so he plays my stuff.” You hear humor in his voice but you don’t know what part is a joke.

Joost Klein. Huh. You have never heard that name in your life.

“Wow, I feel so lucky to meet a celebrity.” You bat your eyes at him.

He clocks your bullshit immediately.

“Really! I can show you my stuff! Come to my studio and I’ll show you what I’m working on!” 

You smirk. You are really dancing quite closely now. 

“Wow I dunno, I never usually let boys show me their stuff on the first date.”

He chokes out a laugh “So this is a date huh?” his hands are on your waist now.

“I don’t know yet” You say. “Dance with me some more.” 

Because you are insane, you turn around and lean up against him. The music is a little slower and heavier now than the alt-pop rap playing before. Joost gets the message immediately and soon you’re grinding to the beat. Already, you can feel his bulge against your ass.

You let yourself get lost in the rhythm of the music and the feeling of him against you. It's easy to lose time when his scent and his touch surround you like this. You could almost forget the itch in your canines. 

His head bows and his lips skim your shoulder where he bit you. What a strange sensation. A role reversal. You still can't believe he did that. For a minute, you feel strikingly human.

You arch up into him and let your head fall back against his chest. His lips move up to your ear and he asks, “Can I have your number?” You twist yourself back around to face him. 

It’s getting harder not to just kiss him. 

You maintain eye contact for a minute, his gaze searching yours.

Without breaking the stare-down, you reach into his pocket oh-so-slowly and pull out his phone, offering it to him.

He is starting to look a little crazed but he breaks the eye contact to look down and open it for you. You punch in your number when he turns it to you and slide it back into his pocket, just as slowly. 

Hooking a finger into his belt loop, you look up at him under your lashes. Joost looks like he doesn’t know whether to fuck you now or fuck you later. If he can wait to get you home.

You don’t let him deliberate. 

Leaning up, you ghost your lips over his. “See you soon.” 

And with all the stupid supernatural guile you can muster, you sink backwards into the crowd and disappear. The last glimpse you catch of his face is one of outrage. 

You laugh all the way down the street. 

A side street without lamps lends the shadows you need for cover as you give it just a bit of a speed boost in case he gets the idea to go looking for you again. Lord knows you’ve bumped into him enough times now that he might think to try it. 

You aren’t even to the end of the street before you get a text.

        +31 06 5337496:  y r u so mean to me ( ｰ̀εｰ́ )

          +31 06 5337496:  when will you come to my studio?

          +31 06 5337496: ପ(๑•ᴗ•๑)ଓ ♡

You're still not sure what he really means by studio. Maybe it was a joke for his apartment. A studio apartment? Or maybe he really does make music. That would be fun. Not that you know much about Dutch music. Or Dutch. You sigh. It’s a process. 

Saving his number you write back.

        cap

          I am not mean

          had to get out of there before you turned full blood-                 

          sucker on me biting my shoulder like that

          Tuesday? 

The dot-dot-dot pops up and goes away no less than seven times before he finally replies.

          Joost:  (/>w<)/ yayyyy can’t wait!!

           Joost:  meet me at 16 Schimmelstraat at 14:00 :333

You can't help but snort at the way he texts. Definitely a funny guy. You have such good taste. 

It took him quite a while to respond compared to the speed at which he first texted you. You might be technologically illiterate, but even you know that means Joost had to think about something a little harder.

He does seem to get flustered by everything vampiric. Oh this was going to be so much fun.

On the other hand, Joost might just be a slow texter. 

You know where you would place your bet. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thank you so much for reading!! Sorry for the atrocious amount of backstory. I didn't realize what I’d done until it was too late (and I didn’t want to rewrite). I promise the next one will be more Joost-centric interaction and less boring exposition. Btw this series will include smut! Yay!!

[cy-cyborg]

Please stop giving your leg amputees weird robot toes. I don't know why this is as much if a pet peeve to me as it is, but there's a reason why even the most advanced prosthetics irl don't have them and its not because the tech isnt there yet (kind of).

Making that many joints so close together is very difficult and will make the foot increadibly heavy for function that can mostly be replicated by a sheet of bendy carbon fibre (what irl prosthetic feet are usually made of). That many articulated joints are hard to control (even on hands, it's a challenge, and your hands dont have to weight bare), they will add a lot of weight, and will mean more power will be needed. Not to mention the joints would be points of weakness in an area that will be, at some stages in the walk cycle, bearing the majority of user's weight. Unless your character is going to be using their prosthetic feet as hands to grab things like that villain from Kim Possible, they are more trouble than they're worth, and your character doesn't need them.

And look, if the reason you want to give them robot toes is because you have a thing for feet... why did you make them a foot amputee, of all disabilities lol? Odd choices aside, if that's the reason, just be honest about it, because why else is it always "sexy cyborg" type characters that have them?

Joking aside, the goal of a prosthetic is not (usually) to look as similar to "the real thing" as possible, it's to improve mobility. As such, sometimes the best solution will not be what looks the most "normal with a robot aesthetic twist". In the event looking like the real thing is the main goal, we already have the tech for that. Many prosthetics have silicone covers that look so realistic you wouldn't be able to tell unless you can see the top of the socket (where the artificial limb meets the real thing) and you don't have to give up much mobility or functionality to use them, since that carbon fibre sheet I mention just gets hidden inside the cover.

Signed an amputee who finds your pudgy little foot fingers unsettling and wishes people would stop giving robot ones to characters unnecessarily for the sake of making something that looks "normal".

[ID: an animated gif of a character from Kim Possible in a red dressing gown, using his hand-like feet to pour himself some tea. he places the tea pot down and it focuses on his hands, in a close up. the caption reads "and risk damaging these hands?" /end ID]

[naamahdarling]

Two days ago and I was comfortable enough that this was the right choice that I was able to make the call to have Smooch put to sleep. I am sure now. I wish I weren't. It hurts to see him like this. The vet is out or I would move it forward. We could do the emergency vet but I literally do not think I could do it without our vet and my favorite nurse. That feels selfish but when she answered the phone yesterday the comfort was... astonishing.

I'm trying to prepare. I've been waiting for this for a long time, which is why it's bearable at all. I have entertainment, I have an art project to memorialize him ready to go for whenever I feel like it. I have plans to make a couple of keepsakes. But there's going to be a hole in my life so much bigger than his frail little body. It's the end of part of me. He has been there in my future for so long, thinking about not having him there is like vertigo, or a reverse haunting of some kind. It's a Wrongness, part of the world about to be unmade. He is genuinely part of my identity. I'm all these things that I consider core parts of me -- queer, funny, creative, curious, a little clever, loving, an artist, a survivor, my friends' friend, my blood sister's sister, my chosen sister's sibling, my father's daughter, my boyfriend's partner...and I'm Dried Pickle Man's person.

Here at home IRL and online, and everywhere I go, to almost anyone I speak to at all, I have been his human for 13 years and 27 days.

And that isn't enough apparently, because Sid, too, is slipping away. I...I don't know that we can save him, either. His digestive issues are keeping him from eating, we can't stop the flare, a feeding tube won't fix it, meds aren't helping him. He's losing weight very fast. Vet is at a loss. I usually have a pretty good idea of what to do next or what needs to happen. I have nothing for him. The specialist might know. How the hell do we keep affording it?

And Raleigh. Oh god. Raleigh. If we can't afford the surgery or if it fails. What do we do?

What if we lose all three?

What if my boyfriend loses BOTH his boys? Raleigh alone is going to devastate him. Not just sad, like ordinary grief, I mean I have never ever in my life seen an animal love a human this much.

He's already struggling with his depression and ADHD. He will suffer and there is nothing I can do to stop this all from happening. I can't dig into a hidden well of trying harder, I can't outsmart it. I can't comfort him by saying that it is hard but possible to influence this. I hate seeing him in pain.

And I'm scared for me. I am afraid it will just ruin him and I will lose him too, until and unless he can recover. And I already spend so much time alone. Even my art is...gone. Too painful. Writing isn't really possible, either. My body barely feels like mine these days. I have so fucking little to hang on to. My cats are one of the last things I have of myself. One of the only good things I have in my day to day life.

It's all an absolutely terrifying cascade. Unlike a lot of situations where I'm scared of the future, this isn't me afraid of unlikely scenarios that are several crises away. This is very real. And I'm usually not scared for my boyfriend like this.

It won't kill us. You can come back from something like this, probably, I know people survive much worse and I'm bombarded with reminders of that a dozen times a day. But it can take such a long time to come back, and...sometimes you just...Come Back Wrong.

I'm not often genuinely completely helpless. I am helpless now.

[pikahlua]

I have literal zero horse in this race so good faith question: does "koi" (come) sometimes have the same potentially negative connotation as "come on/come here"? while you occasionally hear adventure-y protagonists say "come on" in an excited "come join me/let's go!" kind of way, the only way I've ever heard it used irl is in annoyance, like "come onnnn [implied hurry up], or a curt "c'mon let's go." as someone with limited Japanese skill and who knows Bakugou usually takes the shortest way to say stuff, the only thing that bothers me about the translation is the excessive ellipses the localization team uses in general—though here it feels like maybe it's meant to soften the negative implication mentioned above? also Bakugou being Bakugou him not saying hurry up or saying let's go actually feels like it's prioritizing Deku as an equal and a natural place to end. like there's no more doubt, it's just a direct statement to come join him/everyone because Deku deserves this.

MY WISH CAME TRUUUEEEE

(I know you're not the same anon though, and you are far more polite about it ❤️)

Gosh you've given me so much to respond to as well. Gonna break it down for you.

1. Potential negative connotations in "koi"?

Technically, yes, the word "koi" in Japanese does have negative connotations! That's because the verb is conjugated into imperative form, which is also known as "command form." Commands in Japanese are considered to be rude. It's about more than just a casual way of speaking--telling someone to do something is considered outright rude. The more polite way to phrase this word would be in request form as "kite."

But it's Katsuki. EVERYTHING he says is in the rudest form possible. That context is super important. It's why all his classmates have to warm up to him for talking like a wannabe yakuza all the time, even to older people. At some point, they all just accept Katsuki talks like this regardless of what he ACTUALLY thinks about the people around him. And to be clear, this applies to more people than just Katsuki. It's one way socially-equal guys talk to each other in Japanese. The casual/rudeness can easily be heard as dude-speak too (I'll address this more in a moment). So the fact that Katsuki is the one saying this otherwise rude word doesn't come across as actually malicious but rather as just familiar and casual and masculine.

To further elaborate, this "koi" Katsuki speaks is meant to show a change between him at the end compared with back in the summer camp arc. The "Stay back, Deku" he says before he disappears in Kurogiri's portal is ALSO spoken in command form as "kunna Deku." ("Kunna" is actually a contraction of "kuruna" btw.) It's command form of the exact same verb "kuru (to come)" but also in NEGATIVE form. The literal translation of what he says there is "Don't come, Deku," compared with at the very end where he says "Come, Deku." Now obviously those phrases just sound WEIRD in English, so of course the translators had to localize them a bit to make them sound like something an English-speaking teenager would actually say, hence we get "Stay back," and "C'mon."

And to round it all off, I'll address the dude-speak part now. Katsuki isn't the only character who says "koi," so we actually can see how consistent the translator was with this word for an entirely different character!

The dudest of the bros, KIRISHIMAAAAAAAA!

And yes, Katsuki reaching out for Izuku and saying the exact same thing Kirishima said is absolutely a parallel, and it's the most-obviously-on-purpose parallel Horikoshi ever drew.

2. Potential neutral connotations in "c'mon"?

Now, one may argue "Wait, it's not a consistent translation! Because 'come on' is not the same as 'c'mon'!"

To which I say, "Your regionalism is showing."

Anon, I'm gonna be real, I have a real hard time believing you have only ever heard "c'mon" spoken in an annoyed or curt way. I absolutely believe that's the way you hear it the most often, but I have a hard time not believing you've heard it in other contexts but your brain just interpreted those moments for you as "come on" despite the speaker using the contraction.

But! Because I truly believe that's what you do in your head without realizing it (our brains are fantastic at quickly correcting other people's mistakes in pronunciation and grammar that don't match our internal models of our fluent languages), I'm not mad at you or anything. I just want to bring it to your attention that either that's the case or else you live in a particular region where no one uses the word "c'mon" in other contexts. But this is such a silly specific thing to hold the translator to (and you clearly don't, so kudos to you). And even if "c'mon" is ONLY spoken in an annoyed fashion, well, @bakuhatsufallinlove says it best:

even if c'mon could sound annoyed......... it's kacchan........... his love language is gremlin fury he's a tsundere....... "C'MON DAMMIT" he yells flustered and embarrassed about how bad he wants to hold hands

It's still in-character for Katsuki to say something affectionate in such a rude manner! We just established this above! If anything, it's consistent for the translator to have contracted the word to "c'mon" because that's what they do to translate Katsuki ALL OVER THE PLACE in the story.

But if it matters to you, no, I do not read the word "c'mon" in an annoyed or curt manner. I read it as fairly neutral if a bit casual.

3. Ellipses

I'm not mad at you or making fun of you when I say this, but I just have to say it.

watch them come back at you and be like "IT WAS THE ELLIPSES I WAS TALKING ABOUT" XD

I JUST HAVE TO SAY I CALLED IT!

Really, I'm serious, I am NOT making fun of you. The reason I suspected this would be some people's major gripe is actually quite fascinating. Younger generations have come to see the ellipses in casual conversation as rude or sarcastic:

For many older adults, using several dots between sentences acts as a natural break or a means to distinguish different ideas. In contrast, younger generations often perceive this habit as puzzling, finding it confusing or even off-putting. "It drives me up a wall," remarked one Gen Z user, echoing a sentiment shared by many who encounter this texting style.

No, I'm not about to say MHA was translated by Baby Boomers. I'm laughing because I too am of a young enough generation to see the ellipses as awkward in a casual text-based conversation. It has a certain "tone" to me. But it's funny because there's something else going on here with MHA entirely.

This isn't casual text-based conversation. This is formal publication.

The ellipses has an ENTIRELY DIFFERENT meaning in formal publication. The ellipses used here in chapter 430 of MHA is about formatting consistency. Somehow, the people who complain about the ellipses in Katsuki's final line fail to see that the ellipses ARE USED FUCKING EVERYWHERE IN MHA. LIKE IT'S A FUCKING INFESTATION OF ELLIPSES.

Do you know how many ellipses are present in the translation of MHA chapter 430? 75, and only 8 of which are actual ellipses considered "spoken" by a character. The rest?

They're bridges connecting sentences spoken across multiple speech bubbles.

Hell, on the same damn page as Katsuki's "C'mon, Deku," ALL MIGHT DOES THE SAME THING!

This is not meant to be read as "You've also... ...earned this power fair and square!!" You're meant to ignore the ellipses. All they tell you is that this is a single sentence broken up into pieces on the page. It's the SAME for Katsuki's line! For the purposes of reading Katsuki's final line, those ellipses are effectively not there. They're bridges for the visual m-dashes or commas that the multiple speech bubbles might represent.

So don't knock the translator for consistently following a standard formatting convention. That's, like, his actual job lol.