#wish i did this in b&w
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mind if i cough in your ear all night? / mind if i resent you for a year tonight?
#have you guys ever thought about how wrought iron fence bars kinda look like cav swords#tlt#gtn#gtn spoilers#harrowhark nonagesimus#harrow nonagesimus#gideon nav#gideon the ninth#the locked tomb#song is i want you to know im awake/ i hope youre asleep by car seat headrest btw#csh#didnt know what to do w lighting so i just didnt do it#wish i did this in b&w#described#screen reader friendly
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i have so much band!au content in the pipeline my brain is Rotting but enjoy these two for now
jjk band!au
#my art#jujutsu kaisen#jjk#itadori yuuji#yuuji#ryoumen sukuna#sukuna#fanart#jjk fanart#jjk band!au#every time i dress sukuna i stray further from gods light. what is that. what did i do why did i do that.#the pants...the mullet mohawk..the tanktop that might as well be Off...am i cooking or committing a cardinal sin who can say#i realized that i probably couldnt give him rings bc the priss wouldnt want to scuff his guitar#which goes directly against my religion that says that any modern au sukuna has to b iced up#that being said the bracelets r probably pushing it but he needed /something/ so he can deal.#but oh my god the guitars like dont get me wrong im thrilled w how they turned out but god i wished for death#looks around accusingly whose idea was this >:c (me it was mine)#anyway i am feeding myself on this au this will not be the last u see of it :)#HARD pivot from emo yoi content oops
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Makima, devils and self-fulfillment
Dumping some Makima and CSM thoughts after a part 1 binge bc I think about her forever and ever. I’m sure I’m forgetting some devil lore, feel free to correct what i get wrong/what’s been confirmed. On the table of contents there’s why & how Makima got fixated on Chainsaw, her revealing liking for the country mouse and discussion of her nature & emotions & desires. Was the scorpion doomed to be a scorpion?
The most of this post was thought of during a conversation with @saccharineomens and I don’t think it makes sense to jump into the spiral it sent me on without first laying down the interesting groundwork theorizing she did:
"Thinking about how makima herself wants to be deified. I wonder whether she recognizes the difference between Love As Worship and the love that Aki, Power, and Denji had. She says she wants to help humanity by having Chainsawman eat the “bad” devils, but why does she want to help humans? Because she was ordered to by the Prime Minister? No, her drive seems much more personal than that, it seems like she teamed up with the PM for contractual reasons. (In the most recent chapters we see governmental members wanting certain devils to be eaten, too. What was Makima’s relationship with them? She’s too independent to just follow THEIR orders, she’s Control.)
So is she wanting to better humanity for the accolades, or out of the goodness of her heart? She sees the big picture. She sees any small sacrifice as worth it for the end result, and she’s ruthless. Perhaps she thinks that a more sedate human race would be easier to control? But Makima doesn’t loathe humanity. She never acts like she sees all humans as lesser. She loves humanity’s creations, like good food and movies. She just wants Good Things all the time
She says she prefers the country mouse BUT adds a story where she helps exterminate country mice like vermin. She likes the simplicity yet rejects the idea of being simple. Makima the complex individual you are"
~
The story itself seems to prefr the country mouse. Well- it strikes a balance, shows that a risk to live good & fully can be very worth it, but still that stability over ambition is preferable, proning having a simple happy life over fame, a simple job instead of a dangerous one, etc etc. And I do find Makima’s answer on this so so interesting, she prefers the country mouse, but this preference isn’t out of affection or sympathy but because of how relaxing it feels to exterminate them when they cause problems.
Order satisfies her. Her order satisfies her. She likes the action of rooting out disorder. Maybe this is the devil part, like how Power especially wants blood and drinking it, I feel there’s an itch to every devil, and for Makima it’s a very rigid world view/morality/standards & making things follow her rules and submit to her order.
And maybe this is why she’s attached to humans too, why she felt it was worth it to stick with the government- because devils are chaotic by nature (it’s a whole plot point that hell is essentially a free-for-all battleground for example), meanwhile humans are the species that universally rule Earth with systems they invented and instilled. They made then enforced rules, complex and intricate webs of them. She feels alienated amongst devils but she understands the humans’ need for an orderly organised society, and now she wants to be part of it. Control and conquest require social dynamics after all, requires civilizations or groups. War is chaotic while peace is, well, peaceful— Makima resents her sisters for being death, famine and war, things that throw the world in such chaos. She wants a world of perfect order, no matter how much collateral damage there will be if the end result is control.
This is even more interesting if you consider that yes, Makima is untouchable of her own design, she deifies herself with her omnipresent amount of control and the sway over others that she seeks and encourages— There is this urge to dehumanize her for it, that yes, she is the devil of control and that means she was never going to be any different, have any more feeling be any less uncanny. And I love part 2 so much for this, because it shows us the war devil and the famine devil and we see how frankly uncharismatic with poor self-discipline they are, Nayuta too, and it helps us realize just how much Makima’s success was self-made.
She admires Chainsaw Devil, the Hero of Hell, because he had his own code and his own rules and he made Hell, the chaos pit, submit to them unfailingly. Wherever he goes he decides what he does and what happens to the people he encounters but does so consistently, he has his mechanism and his rules that he always obeys, and he fulfills them every time. It’s still a mystery the why of Chainsaw Devil’s behavior back then and how it works exactly, maybe Pochita left hell because he was tired of these rules he lived by like chains, but still, he was a servant to his code. Makima would have been glad being killed and eaten by Chainsaw Devil because it’d have been becoming part of his design, his conquest, his domination, she’d have been part of that —his— order. Through her death she would be shaping his world and be part of a conqueror’s making history. Like how she appreciates the country mice that die for the sake of order. Like how sacrifices must be made to herself, like listing the name of every person whose life was lost to the Gun Devil— All for the ~greater good~, for her vision for the world. Conquest always thinks its reasons are justified.
And she does mention with the country mice thing that she goes out to a friend’s farm every year! She has a human friend?? That she visits yearly and she genuinely likes it?? Ultimately she lives a busy city life because of her goal and drive and her urge & satisfaction with overseeing shaping the world herself, but part of her, like so many characters including Angel and Aki and Reze, wishes she could live a slow peaceful country life. Moviegoing and dogs and mice in a farm- Wouldn’t it be so much simpler if Makima could find fulfillment and happiness in being a farmer, in keeping control of her own farm, getting satisfaction from exterminating vermin and expertly getting everything right, the right crops grown at the right time on the right soil? Here, too, in a way it’s trying to have full control of an ecosystem, but her goals would be easier to achieve and better, without ceaseless sacrifice or much pressure. But Makima wants grandiosity and her goal does matter to her on a fundamental and moral level, she does think she knows what’s best for the world, and with the power to change it why wouldn’t she strive to? Visiting the farm is just a break, just something she does in fall to help out and just in time to see the vermin extermination. It calms her, then it’s back to actual work.
In capitalism, even the one at the very top of the ladder is ultimately alienated from others and often unsatisfied by their lifestyle, always wanting more and more power because surely that’s the extra edge they must be missing to be content— like how Makima thinks she wants to dominate Chainsaw Devil instead of being his equal. And she says it herself too, she likes humans the way humans like dogs…….. And she keeps so many dogs :( Makima prefers the country mice because they’re calming to root out, maybe because she usually mainly deals with city mice. It’s very easy to equate humans to the mice in this allegory because it’s pretty direct and she’s already likened humans to lesser animals compared to her. She’s self-isolating by design for her design but she still craves relationships and contentment, and the dogs are the embodiment or her want for bonds and occasional simplicity because there is no possible ulterior motive, no way they tie back into her wider plan. They’re her personal life— something that feels so alien when speaking about Makima. Personality and individuality and likes and preferences and friends they visit every year. She likes how easily she can train a dog and how they become putty in her hands, at her beck and call, how much they love her and how much she enjoys their love. How simple and straightforward and easy it is. She keeps them because she likes being loved by them and loving them, and she’s gotten and raised so many. A conqueror always wants more and more and more, is never satisfied.
Devils and agency
Like Power the blood devil wanting blood and having a fixation on drinking it like with Denji’s, or how it was shocking that the violence devil was pretty tame and nice and how he himself theorized it was because he was a fiend and possessing a human body… There’s something to be said about nature vs nurture with the devils. The way they reincarnate and always embody their fear makes it seem categorically like nature, that they always always end up fulfilling the role they were named after and born to fill… Outside influence they’re helpless but to conform with. Like the humans accepting their spot in the social ladder and the shittiness of their living conditions and job under capitalism. Makima craved being equals with someone despite being the control/conquest devil, Angel Devil despite claiming to be a devil who likes to see humans dying was haunted by their deaths and wanted to avoid ones like Aki’s. The Ghost Devil being ironically haunted by Himeno, seemingly helping Aki in her memory out of… Lasting affection? Or maybe it was less about being haunted itself and more about it recognizing how Himeno haunted Aki, and acknowledging that, with the memento, paying her respect to the ghost of her. It’s Angel Devil’s devil nature that makes him like human suffering, so then is it his angel nature too to still care about their deaths? Is there truth to this or is that just personality, just our confirmation bias haunting every part of their identity like it might in their own view of themselves too? We do know different reincarnations of devils do have different personalities after all.
Yoru, war devil, is the most interesting one when talking about the nature vs nurture debate with devils. There is how through her we see the perhaps the most the consequences of a devil stopping being feared— we see a horseman for a concept as universal and horrifying as war be reduced to some bird who needs a contract with a human to have any power even just on the situation when meeting Asa. And through the story we get to know her better, and it becomes clear that her goal is fueled in good part by simply wanting to be remembered and respected through fear. Liked, validated, seen a powerful. But what is more isolating than war? Or control? We also see Nayuta accepting others’ house rules. If part 1 shows perhaps the futility of running away from the truth, with Denji’s memory, with escapist coping mechanisms, with passivity and denial under a corrupt system and with abusive relationships- running away from your own feelings and from the reality of things and from all that you are, more complex than simply human or devil or both or neither— part 2 builds upon the theme of cult of personalities, the chainsaw church, etc. The apocalypse is coming, but this celebrity superhero might save us all, or doom us all uh, dunno. The hero of hell reliving the cycle of pressure from responsibilities and expectations, maybe the part will end with Denji running away like Pochita did~
But yes, on the reverse, I think Famine is a very interesting example of how a devil’s namesake may be more innate than coerced by circumstances. One would think that a famine devil would only like inflicting famine upon others, not being famished itself, but Famine has a bottomless stomach that can never, ever be satisfied, sated. I struggle to find a psychological explanation for this, except that maybe instead of her being hungry it’s her feeling empty when she’s not eating, tasting and having that high sensory experience that releases serotonin in humans, sort of like drugs? But I do take this as a step towards the compulsion theory overall, feels like a reach in the consistency otherwise. And compulsion does not mean it’s something that they like nor that it’s something that they fight against, pretty neutral, just a nature that nudges you towards one path. Maybe it’s even just their go-to for entertainment. Maybe it’s the only thing that makes them feel right and whole. But still the debate remains, what is it, a compulsion or an urge or an itch or an active desire or a conscious chosen want? Does it change anything in practice?
And because of all of this earlier, devils being self-fulfilling prophecies with their role is not in unsignificant part nurture, because doing their atrocities is how they stay remembered— feared, powerful, known— hell and devils are a very isolating place and breed after all, and we do see devils can want companionship. Existentially, it’s their purpose and how they justify their place in the world, in the terrifyingly vast and unknowable cosmos.
We still know so little of what makes Chainsaw Devil so special, why his carnage is so self-controlled. Despite a chainsaw maybe being possibly one of the most "nature" thing you can be— a tool to cut things, a human tool that can be helpful for many things, something to be wielding by another at their judgement on what they decide, but mainly something to cut, a tool suited for carnage, to hurt and to destroy. A blade with a toothed chain, spinning around and around and around endlessly on the same road at the same pace. Such a…. Innately circular concept. And yet the Chainsaw Devil is his own, not driven by an urge or by chaos but his very own brand of order, his own unique assigned purpose, a "if you call i’ll come running to help" policy equalizing everyone. He chooses to withhold his destruction and interference otherwise, and then he chooses to be used. If it’s a choice, of course.
Maybe this is what inspired Makima so much, that Chainsaw Devil could decide what to make of himself despite expectations or innate role. Because even Hell he decided & managed to subjugate under his will and whim, with a precise vision and process. When Chainsaw Devil acts like Denji or is defeated, Makima clicks her tongue and loses her admiration and respect. Makima admired and liked Chainsaw Devil, but only as long as he matched her great image of him in her mind, as long as he followed he rules for what she thinks he should be like. She admired him for his unrivaled self-made success, but once he stepped out of that to truly embody self-fulfillment and agency, disappearing from hell to live on his own road at the beat of his own drum… Well. Surely that was a mistake she has to correct. However their second battle ends, the better conqueror will have prevailed and she’s happy about that, all in the spirit of domination and subjugation.
Imo Makima’s biggest tool, similarly capitalism’s most helpful effect for its own purposes, is complacency. Resignation and passivity helps uphold the system and go along the flow of the will of the people in power. Aki and Reze go along with orders even when knowing their job is trash, etc. In Angel Devil especially we see him go along with the flow uncaring about anyhing, and we discover it was in part due to Makima taking away memories that motivated him. If every devil decides this is just how things are and how things should be that’s what they’ll continue to be and do mindlessly, not pursuing a better life like Chainsaw Devil and Denj and not seeking to change the world like Makima. I think even Makima veils herself to a lot of things, she doesn’t like to think deeply about some things, like her desire for connection, or how making bad movies disappear is strenuous and unsustainable and requiring sacrifices at best— how her judgement is as subjective as anyone else. How liking the country mouse and her friend back at the farm and her dogs could be not devoid of sentimality. Wanting bad movies erased is her one biggest show of selfishness, of pettiness and individuality, it’s about her tastes, simple as. About how she can have tastes, and cry seeing a scene of people hug, and want things that aren’t logical, her ideology and mind twisted into a pretzel to avoid acknowledging that she doesn’t live and breathe purely for the mission she’s made a single-minded robot out of herself to accomplish. Nayuta is assertive and selfish and loud, Makima is manipulative and strategically both for her goals and for coping hollow.
Everything in her plans and goals she says is for the greater good, necessary evil, manufactured happiness the way she’ll have decided for people— and that’s the thing isn’t it, like with War, it’s the crack that shows it was all truly about herself after all. Her self-made deification still had the flaw that a self made it. Makima is not omniscient, and it’s not Chainsaw Devil the not-so-fellow-kindred-soul conqueror who gets the best of her, but a city mouse, a dog, someone she would have never thought to respect, Denji.
#Fumi rambles#Chainsaw man#makima#analysis#meta#The goal is moreso me dropping thoughts than being flawless on every aspect of the lore so if and when i get things wrong b merciful….#Maybe her liking of control is why she remembers the ww2 authoritarian fascists. I don’t want to say the word jic for tumblr search#Pity is never a factor When mercy is a sign of a talentless actor#And as you grow its hold on your throat starts to falter And once you go beyond pure humanity's border#You will come back like a dooooog 😭#This’d be a different topic but. I don’t think makima likes denji as much as one of her dogs. If so i’d say it was in the moments where#she brought him to movies but even then….. i think she has more fondness for her dogs bc w denji it was indifference and derision#I love you please humiliate me / strip my dignity and laugh my honey#God. God i’m fine. I’m so okay about csm#Makima has a cryptic but strong sense of morals?? That doesn’t align with ours obvi but#‘Someone like you has no right to wish for a normal life do they?’ What do you meannn what do you meannnnn#What is this contempt for denji. Does she see herself as moral or part of those that are city mice bc they’re undeserving of a calm life???#Maybe famine only feels fed on humans and their blood 🤔 or their fear. man idk idk idk idk but i wanna see more of her quirks#And before someone says ‘but every demon likes to drink blood’ power is especially fixated on it tho cmannnn#Did Angel lie when he said he liked seeing humans die?? Did his haunting thing become worse after meeting Aki?? Did he suppress it#because he feels like he doesn’t belong as a devil??? bc he’s suppressing his memories of the villagers he cared about??#Has he just been trying so hard not to care for so long. Passive bc he thought that’s all he could or should be#AGHHHHH#Spoilers#There’s a lot more i’d have liked to touch on like the popular theory that Makima was *raised* by the government#and i’ve seen a take that the ‘my friend at a farm’ thing is all euphemism from makima about her troublesome human killing job ykyk#but i think the phrasing is too literal and natural for that. The snow and soil talk everything. It’s a perfect allegory but it can be both
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discord mod ed
(insta request)
#edward nashton#fanart#doodles#b&w#i had fun doing this one#i have no idea what discord mods are like#im a touch too old to be fully into discord server cultures#also im horribly socially anxious even online so on group chats i mostly lurk historically#so i did this is fully from the prompt and what ive seen on memes about discord mods#i wish i had cat ear headphones like that.....
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figured i'd do this again..bit early i guess..
#to cheer me up.. i feel bad atm.. these things don't even make me feel very good tho bc i'm such a narrative/sketch-based artist..#but Proper Beautiful Finished Pieces are what grab attention and look good at the end of the year all neatly lined up lol.....#so looking at a “yearly review” where i can only choose 'the best image of the month' (??) is like...What have i even been doing...#i did a month by month look back on twt for myself instead..but even that doesn't express the quantity of comic-based stuff..#that i do put a lot of time/heart into..but alas i feel bad bringing even them back..RTing/reblogging my own art simply feels bad lol..#AND WHY IS IT ALL B&W...trying to accept that i LIKE doing that and sketching and scribbling..not like i'm trying to like..Get Artist Job..#this year was so profoundly lonely at times bc i spent all my time drawing instead of socialising and trying to find friends....#please please please have achieved more of your dreams in the future so you can look back at 2023 and think..#It was good that happened so that it got me further to the future. Or whatever i guess.....................#regardless i did have a great amount of fun drawing and improving this year and dwelling deeply & heavily on witch hat atelier.#art-wise and emotionally....march july & september were the best months i think..AUGUST WAS SO WEIRD SUMMER IS SO EVIL ALWAYS.#thank you very much if you are reading this for enjoying & leaving nice tags & such like <3 i've realised how fulfilling that is to receive#really keeps me posting stuff here instead of keeping it all to myself in my head#i wish everyone in this world could have a safe and happy end of year. i wish living in this world were easier
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I don’t Care about the ships WHERE IS JINX
#I’m so sad#I’m so sorry cai/tvi nation#I do not like that cop#I care about the siblings and the siblings alone#and ekko OBVIOUSly#Yk actually the ending was rlly good except the part where cait is still an enforcer b#and vi??? I don’t actually know if she is#ig she never quit#but she’s not wearing the blue so#idk#anyway I have a lot of thoughts#I’m really sad I was yelling in my room alone like a crazy person#AND MEL MY GOD HOW COULD I FOEGOR HER#I was blinded by the siblings im not gonna lie#but her arc was SO good#ok this got so rambly this was not meant to get like this#I wish we’d gotten like#1 more episode#to let the story breath a little bit#I think caits descent was brushed over tbh#I really fucked w the way they were going w it and then it just ended w a time skip#AND we don’t get Any resolution for it#I really hate the cop angle a lot#sorry I will never fuck w it#cait said and did terrible things and it’s really not… addressed#I would’ve loved to have seen her resign#I Wish vi could have dealt w how she betrayed her entire ideals and Became the very thing that tore her family apart in the first place#1-2 more episodes and more balls to go all in on the anti cop thing and I would have fucked w it meet#arcane spoilers
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Those sonic prime gjinkas from my day out today
#luriart#sonic prime#shadow the hedgehog#nine the fox#sonic the hedgehog#i guess. only twice. btw trust me on this his outfit changes w his shoes & gloves#rusty rose#thorn rose#knuckles the dread#prim the bat#prim rouge#<- ??????????#nine again. my son boy. why do all the sonic kids i wish i could adopt happen to be the type that would tell people kys#rouge the bat#just the once.#rebel the bat#rebel rouge#anyway okay so a] this was a lot of fun. i dont know if ive made this clear in my other gjinka posts but sonic's shirt says sega normally#but it reflects what he's thinking other times. Only for the jokes no one else seems to notice that the shirt changes#b] oughgh i have this obsession w the hair of these characters and making it make sense for them? nine has darker hair than tails bc tails'#hair is a] sunbleached and b] he bleaches it closer to his roots than nine#nine's hair is also greasier & straighter. it has less volume#my og amy has thick braids w heart shaped beads at the end but why the shit would the eggcouncil let her have Heart Beads???#shes their sick as hell robot. so her hair's grown out into dreads on their own. she has sort of a side shave but like. in the way that one#side is metal. thorn doesn't have the time 2 braid her own hair so she has half of it cut short and the other half grown out in a small afr#you'll never believe this but dread has dreads#prim actually gets rouge's natural hair!!! my rouge wears a wig and all the pieces that frame her face are gelled on#but if rouge [like. usual rouge] took her wig off she'd have a short buzz underneath. and i was so excited to draw it so i did#rebel keeps the wig. knucks is there at the very bottom but he has real tight braids#anyway one thing i was wondering while i was drawing is where the fuck did prim get the black shirt under her leaves shirt
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Leofric Haunting Uhtred in 3x02
Requested by @lllostgirlll
Bonus B&W:
#the last kingdom#sevenkingsmustdie#its about the haunting baby#its about the ghosts#I kind of wish I did this is b&w because that last one is very nice imo#I'm a fan of the b&w lol
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tbh I really think you should message her, because like. you deserve to know what was going on in her mind, if it wasn't fully explained to you. a relationship goes two ways after all
ughhh dont tempt me anon :( i COULD text her and ask her about everything i really am curious and sad about but i really dont want to be tempted cuz i just have this really bad feeling from past experience that if i try to reach out at this point in time when things are still really tense and awkward and depressing then its just gonna lead to more issues and i dont think i could handle her blocking me on every platform. like id much rather still be able to have the communication option to be available than not at all you know? but then theres like fucking instagram reels where everyone reaches out to their exes and then get married so some dummy part of my brain is like ok if i talk to her and ask her all the things i wish i knew maybe shell come back to me but its like the chances of that are so low and the potential consequences are too bad. i dont think she WOULD block me if i texted her my questions (as long as Im not being bitchy to her) but i just dont wanna risk it at all cuz i dont trust myself to be normal. i know i want to talk to her again but it would probably be a bad idea for me to text her when i know im not ready to talk to her. like theres a difference between wanting to talk and being ready to talk you know? but who knows. my plan is if its been like 8 months and im still hung up over her maybe ill text her and ask
#however what i did consider is getting drunk and then dming her friend on insta#that way im a) not messaging *her* and b) i can blame it on not being sober#but that is also a terrible idea cuz if i say something wrong she might block me anyway or her friend will never talk to me again#which yeah were not CLOSE friends or anything but idk it means a lot to me that her friend still talks to me so nicely#like idk how to explain it. it just means a lot that her friend still makes conversation w me knowing where we are#probs cuz im constnatly in my head like 'oh i bet theyre making fun of me' or being like 'fuck sunny!! you deserve better!' so the fact tha#her friend makes the effort to talk to me just makes me feel better in a way i guess#and if i sever that relationship to her friend then like its OVER you know. then i dont have a means to talk to my girlfriend other than#actually TALKING to my girlfriend#which sucks cuz her friend is considering rejoining our dance team next sem which i really would like#mainly cuz shes cool! but also it means my gf might pull up to the shows and maybe ill have a better shot at mending things next sem#idk man. like i so wish i could text her but i really shouldnt tempt myself i KNOW its a bad idea but all the signs are saying to text her#the signs being dumbass insta reels#and you anon#anon tag#asks
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portrait to end the month
#impzart#self portrait#b&w#injury#ask to tag#artists on tumblr#for a moment of self reflection. i cant tell if i ended this month off better than i started#artwise i have literally never been happier. i feel so fulfilled#academics are going way better than i could've ever expected#i got dx'd and now im on new meds for it#but uhhh socially ? i do not feel like a human person anymore#people i worried hated me for years while we talked did actually feel that way#people i thought i grew distant with did grow distant with me despite constant reassurance this wasnt the case#i wish i knew the degree it had gone to shit so i could've gone more scorched earth properly. but it is what it is#at least now there's new people i met that i like to talk to a lot#and that makes me happy#outside of that ive been getting more into indie ttrpgs. especially those short and easy to pick up. loads of fun!
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#riddlebat#edward nashton#fanart#doodles#long hair ed au#i did make an entire au in my brain to justify drawing edward with long hair#i think this is one of those drawings that make it very obvious i watched and enjoyed nbchnnibal#aaaa i really wish i was a better writer so i could make comics about them more easily#ive tried but i get bogged down with details really early on and i cant keep up#anyway this au is about bruce reaching out to edward like a year after the events of the movie#feeling like if he can help ed he can help himself#he doesnt do it as batman bc he feels he burned that bridge when they first met#and bruce is tryinig to be more of an approachable figure in gotham so its practice#ed wouldnt like that bruce is trying to connect and find common ground so he is mostly mocking#kind of trying to one-up bruce whenever he can#i am very sleepy so ill leave it at that lmao if i draw something else ill keep bothering in the tags#b&w
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honestly i wish i could meet up w online friends but i am so filled w terror that my anxiety would make me so offputting and hateable instantly n then i wouldnt have any friends left HBJJBA,,,,, like,,, i cannot express just how bad my anxiety is between my avpd and never learning how 2 mask my autism i am probably the most naturally unlikeable person in existence n then id have to live w that maybe if i had just figured out how to fix myself first and make myself perfect n palatable then i wouldnt hav fucked it up like every other interaction irl
#i have literally never made a friend irl#and i am being genuine#i am a certified loser#the only friends i ever had were from a young age just . playdated and then we stayed in contact but never really were actual friends#everyone else is just like. why doesnt IT talk.......... or ur so funny..(freak)#like i dont do anything BAD but i . dont know how to hold a lot of conversations#or i say things too bluntly (not mean but just unexpected i guess?)#and it makes people laugh but. at me#not . like in a fun way#i always stuck to the fact i could b funny at least but then i never actually made friends because none of them actually liked me they just#liked how weird n awkward i was & how fun it was to make fun of me w their actual friends#they included me in some things but it was always just 2 watch my reaction#i spent so many years in relationships like that#i always ended up in one no matter where i went#i always just told myself if i just wait eventually someone will come along who i can actually get along w#but then whenever there was someone theyd just. leave eventually#because the only place i had 2 meet people was church like. programs?#youth group n etc#and more recently i think everyone just kinda accepts im the quiet one#so they dont talk to me#n i dont know how to start conversations so i dont talk 2 them#honestly thats why i appreciated that one guy from the youth connections program#he still always talked 2 me and included me but not in a forceful way#he took no as an answer#n he was cool#he was such an open n funky guy i wish i couldve talked to him more#because even tho he did make an effort i was still so awkward n scared i didnt talk much#he was super into helping animals n stuff n everyone made fun of him for that n i felt bad because i think thats the coolest shit#but i never got a chance 2 say it because how shutdown w anxiety i get
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chinese dance clodius
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god when i go into yearning after a failed romantic endeavour im scraping the walls howling at the moon coughing up hairballs like i'm grateful for the experience but the Aftermath of horrific feelings for months and months makes me wanna throw up. i can logically be like it never would've been forever for reason a b and c but still i see their face and wanna delete every social media ever and live in a monastery until i'm normal about them again
#GODDDDD#GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#i just do not know how to deal with it cuz i don't wanna go thru the feelings for the millionth time and possibly cry for the tenth time#but also what else is my option. just listen to music and ignore it and hope the feelings go away with time?#GAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#GAHHHHHHH GAHHHHH GAHHHHRRGRHRHHH!!!!!!!#he never posts face pics his face is always obscured but now. i suffer.#anyways do i feel this way to this intensy because of insecurity and wishing to b a different person w a different life#even though i put up a wall with him and i didn't know him deeply he was always so kind and fun and gentle and mature#and on top of that so cute. like pick A struggle. why is there none#I MISS HIM i didn't just lose a romantic interest he was also my only friend besides my roommates in korea lol#i almost wish we never did anything romantic because at least then there's a chance we would still be casual friends and we would still#message occasionally#i wanna hear his voice i wanna know what he's up to and what he's thinking about#blegh#i liked him so much#self#ㅁㅅ
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I watched the lightning thief movie the other day and i loved it so much it made me sad
#i was 12 when it came out in 2010..... i think my entire life would be different if i saw it when it came out and i mean that so genuinely#like. in 2010 i didnt really know what fandom was but if i did my big fandoms wouldve been buffy which slay but no one my age knew it#or. the girls of the playboy mansion tv series which like. also slay but a) i was too young for that and b) the body image issues it gave m#but like. oh i would've loved percy jackson as a kid and im so sad i didnt see it or read it bc i truly think it could've fixed me#i wouldve been so obsessed w lukes actor tbh#but anyway. i loved the 2010 movie and i know people hate it bc its inaccurate but i didnt know that watching it i just had fun#next is sea of monsters then the tv show but also the books somewhere#maybe books alongside tv show? or after?#i want to watch everything without book expectations but also like. i wanna read them#i just wish i got into typical kid stuff lmao
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the eternal question: is scheduling w friends as an adult That Hard or am I just bad at it
#4 different people have left me on read today; 1 cancelled our plans 4 hours before we were due to meet#I've been sitting home alone for 2 days going insane. looking forward to One (1) coffee date & that fell through#idk why I'm taking it so hard this time I'm usually fine!! but I find myself wishing I didn't have the day off I wish I did have work :(#like it's tiring yeah but it beats sitting here not knowing what to do w myself#& I'm working all weekend & only leaving the house to see the doctor. oh joy#I've been productive ironing writing fixing the car. that's not the problem#I had 4 social plans this month. that's it#that's like seeing each friend once a month!! I can't keep this up!!#is this the norm for adulthood? :(#& on one level I don't want to bother people or be clingy#but on another level I'm baffled that they don't get lonely too#the news has not shut up abt the Loneliness Epidemic since 2021#but if it's true why do so many people take so long to reply when I reach out? if they reply at all#I'm not going anywhere w this. idk#just one of those days#everything so fuck everybody suck :(#boomers got it right w the whole showing up unannounced at people's houses for a social call with a pound cake#now I have to go through 5 layers of bureaucratic bullshit to see a friend#assuming they don't cancel the day of ofc (((((:#I just wanna be like hello knock knock I am here. tell me abt yr life today & listen to mine & eat this cake#& the worst is when people are like 'I'm cancelling bc I'm tired xx'#OK A) u knew we had these plans for two weeks#but B) I'm tired too! I still love u ur still my friend! let us be tired together!#'I won't be social today I'm tired' my love we could watch movies in silence we could knit we could ball yr socks. idc#'I have to do the big shop today sorry' so do I!!! let us do the groceries together!!!#every time I've pushed someone to come out when they felt depressed or to let me accompany them when they were doing chores#they were like u know what I'm so glad u did this. thank u. this is way better than how I had planned this night to go#& I'm like any time!! I love u!!#& then it just happens all over again next time oh sorry I'm cancelling I'm busy I'm tired#like did u forget what a nice time we had last time? what changed? :(
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