#will i ever get better?

[d0m1n1k774]

I think I get it now, I fear being happy.

I find solace and comfort in my sadness, and when I’m happy, there’s this overwhelming thought at the back of my mind, “you’re just going to get bad again.” And it’s true, I always fall back into bad thoughts and habits.

Every year it’s the same, everything seems to be going alright but then it just gets worse.

I want to try, and I do try. But what’s the point if I already know all my efforts will be wasted away, what’s the point if I know I’m going to get worse?

[philosophical]

I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired.

[enrapture]

Everything comes crashing down right as im in bed debating on sleep soon.

[wxvzkk]

i've been trying to sleep for the past hour and the entire time i've just been on the verge of throwing up and sobbing. my stomach churns and i just feel sick as i realize things. ive been off my phone and just sitting in silence as the expectations for myself fall and im truly nothing at the end of the day. i feel worthless and useless constantly and my mind is full of thoughts that make me regret everything. im trying so hard to resist the temptation and thoughts but its overwhelming. i have to force myself to stay in bed and not do anything. i keep the tears in so i dont wake up tomorrow with puffy eyes and an appearance i hate even more. i wish i could sleep in tomorrow and i wish i didnt have to see the people i care about but feel like im nothing to them. i get sicker the more i realize im yet a day away from being older but thats not what is making me sick. i hate it so much and thinking about it makes the tears harder to hide, it makes the temptation harder to resist. i feel guilt and regret and shame. i might throw up just thinking about gifts, about people spending money on me, the time my aunt and uncle are wasting on me. im not worth it and i know that but i let all these things happen and the end result is just me suffering and falling deeper in my own sorrow. i love everyone in my life so much but i truly dont know why they keep me around, i dont know why my family is proud of me and i dont know why im still alive. im trying not to cry right now but i feel nothing on the inside. i feel sick but i feel numb, i apologized to my sister earlier today and i thought the rest of the day would do good but the only joy i feel is when i let myself go but along with it comes suffering and thoughts like these. i let myself lay in silence with nothint but my thoughts but the only thoughts i have are overthinking and overwhelming. i try to think from my friends perspectives, on why im worth anything and why i would get a gift but i have no reasons. i dont feel anything towards myself except anger and pity so i have no way of knowing what anyone else sees. im disgusted with myself and im close to breaking any mirror i see. im genuinely reaching a point where my sadness is turning into anger, something i've tried to fix throughout my entire childhood but ultimately it always comes back. im reverting to all that i tried to change and its the past all over again but with new people. idk lolz maybe im just emo? anyways no more phone time for me because i'll just feel disgusted with myself and i'd rather fake sleep and have flashbacks than write how i hate myszlf while having them because i know i cant talk about them even if i know i want to but alas, its not something i'll ever be able to, not to my therapist, not to my sisters, and definitely not to my aunt or mom, though one deals people who experience the same thing i did, i think of myself as dramatic and i cant even see anything as comparable to those around me who had it worse, therefore i bury it inside and ignore it even if it causes more pain by doing so

[railroad-line]

its hard feeling so vastly different from your friends and not being able to explain why or how to them because they wouldnt understand.

i dont like the way my brain handles situations and i dont like the fact that i know im chronically and mentally ill. i dont want to get help or even accept the fact that im really mentally ill at the moment because i dont want to recieve constant “youll get through this” “believe in yourself” bullshit from anyone around me. i dont want to be treated as ill whatsoever but its difficult when all you feel is constant pain and voices in your head telling you that youre a wreckage in life.

a psychiatrist told me the other day that she suspects that i have pretty high functioning autism and adhd but i have to wait for months to get officially tested. im sick of waiting. im sick of knowing that i process everything differently and not getting an official answer as to why. people joke with me that i should be in special ed classes and while i do laugh at them, i dont laugh because i think its funny. i laugh because i feel like thats all people think of me as. everyone thinks of me as the weird teenage girl whos sick with blood cancer and chronic pain, whos most definitely on the spectrum, and who refuses to talk about anything other than music and other interests.

i hope one day i can come to terms with the fact that im different, and i hope that day will be the day i officially get diagnosed. whenever that is.

[catboy-beckett]

Kim Kitsuragi is a fascinating character because there's not that much fun or interesting or compelling about him. And yet somehow over the course of playing Disco Elysium the game rewires your fucking brain around him. He's the middest man you've ever seen in both appearance and personality but at some point he says something kind to you or something critical of you and you feel like you just got hit by a truck and you need his approval like you need oxygen and like how tf did this happen. what are you

[krussyarts]

Family

[dustykneed]

survival is an act of rebellion. jim loves you SO MUCH. i hope this finds all of us who need it today. please stay alive so we can make it out together. sending so much love and strength

[akanemnon]

That was faster than expected.

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MASTERPOST (for the full series / FAQ / reference sheets)

[fairycosmos]

me when i spend another day deeply depressed (i have been this way since i was 11 years old)

[chloesimaginationthings]

Abby and Into the pit Oswald have similar “friends”..

[bunnieswithknives]

As much as I love angst I think it would be funny if he just didnt give af

[anxi04]

tim and bruce have an odd relationship to the rest of the family. they don’t act like father and son but it seems like they have a “deeper” bond than the others

bruce seems to take tim’s advice more seriously, bruce actually takes a break if tim tells him, tim still gets benched but not nearly as much as he should, and most confusingly, tim benched bruce once. not alfred benching bruce, TIM.

normally bruce has to be forced to take a break, and normally by alfred, but if tim says “you’re benched for a week” bruce? listens?

they have no idea why. some of them ask dick if he knows since he was there but he’s just as confused

and then despite all that there’s also such a strain between them? it’s really on the line of a professional relationship and almost a care taker. it’s very confusing. and then the times bruce gives tim a present or anything like that and tim stops and stares at him for a second, like he’s dissecting bruce. no one is able to fully figure it. until bruce is de-aged to tim’s robin era.

tim is very adamant about most of them, but especially jason and damian, do not reveal their names to him. for the time being they have a strictly professional relationship with their father who doesn’t know them.

they finally get some of the picture when they see tim start acting as bruce’s caretaker. tim switches between being gentle “hey, you need to sleep” to screaming at bruce. it always works. tim knows exactly which version bruce needs and it scares the team cause that has to require some practice

they’re then also thrown for a loop when they hear bruce call out jason’s name in a shocked voice, which makes sense cause he doesn’t know jason is alive but jason still has his helmet on so what? and then they hear a voice none of them have heard. except dick goes pale and jason’s breath hitches. and suddenly tim is responding to jason’s name and acting weird, almost like what some of dicks stories described jason as. and it’s so fucked up when they’re watching time act like someone else and bruce going along with it

the dynamic they’re getting is also fucked up once again when, during one of bruce’s really bad days, tim straight up acts like bruce’s parent. and bruce reacts well.

they’re all horrified by this. the realization that tim and bruce’s relationship has so many layers and that they do act like father and son sometimes. except bruce isn’t the father and tim isn’t the son

[anemonet]

Technoblade....

[om0000]

"straight" "male"

[basedjamil]

silly little retainerswap au . . . baur was a bodyguard for one of kalim's ancestors; kalim is at NRC specifically so that sebek can go without abandoning his post. the vipers are the traditional retainers for briar valley's royalty and they REALLY disapprove of lilia for book 7 spoilers reasons