#mcspirk affirmations

[dustykneed]

survival is an act of rebellion. jim loves you SO MUCH. i hope this finds all of us who need it today. please stay alive so we can make it out together. sending so much love and strength

[fangirlshipper]

This is part of my favorite Mcspirk series, and now my favorite trope! So if you love Mcspirk, or even just Spones in this one, and forced sharing a bed, read this! It's so good 😊🥰🖖

Chained (3050 words) by LadyPolyester

Chapters: 1/1

Fandom: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies), Star Trek: The Original Series, Star Trek

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences

Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings

Relationships: James T. Kirk/Leonard "Bones" McCoy/Spock, James T. Kirk/Spock, James T. Kirk/Leonard "Bones" McCoy, Leonard "Bones" McCoy/Spock

Characters: James T. Kirk, Spock (Star Trek), Leonard "Bones" McCoy, Montgomery "Scotty" Scott, Christine Chapel

Additional Tags: Developing Relationship, Sharing a Bed, Touch-Starved, Hurt Leonard "Bones" McCoy, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Some Humor, Sexual Tension, Idiots in Love, Alien Technology, Sexy Times, Concerned James T. Kirk, Threesome - M/M/M, Protective Spock (Star Trek), Domestic Disputes, Epic Love, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Happy Ending

Series: Part 37 of Soul,heart and mind

Summary:

"Welcome, Siamese twins!" Scotty greeted them with a broad smile and a bow.

"It's not funny, Scotty! Get us out of these, we've been stuck like this for hours," Leonard, with a painful wrist and in a foul mood, said. He felt uncomfortable and tired.

"You look like a well-matched pair," Scotty remarked.

"We look like a damn mismatch," Leonard grumbled. "I'm a doctor, not a matchmaker."

"Affirmative," Spock replied, raising an eyebrow.

[ponnearponfarponwhereveryouare]

negotiations of home

Pairing: TOS!McSpirk

Summary: Spock takes the time to examine his thoughts (and feelings) towards the Enterprise's captain and chief medical officer. He decides the most logical course of action is to address his findings.

Rating: G | Word Count: 1862 | also on ao3

Spock had long since learned not to say thoughts tied to emotion. Such ruminations had to be examined critically and in such a time and location so as to not interfere with his work. Only in this way could he put logic first, by making a habit of it. He was not sure if this was the process other Vulcans applied, but it was the one that worked best for him.

He knew he was successful when he was able to apply this method around members of his family; with positive emotions and negative. Only in absolute private he might tell his mother he loved her, tell his sister he missed her, or tell his brother that they were still, always, family.

It was best not to think about the emotions that came up involving his father. Or the feelings around the fact that his family was two and a half parts human and two and a half parts Vulcan. Of not being a whole.

Those walls had begun to slip, of late. And that was because he was faced with emotions that were not tangled up in his Vulcan upbringing. Feelings that included a sense of being held together, a chance at healing his two halves.

Which brought him to the matter at hand.

"You're you, Spock!" Leonard snapped, though the anger was not directed at Spock himself. The doctor was pacing about Jim's quarters, while Spock sat at the Captain's desk observing him. "You're not broken! All you have to do in this life is be honest with yourself."

Spock raised a brow. "Is this a time for the old anecdote, physician heal thyself?"

Leonard managed to scowl deeper. "Damn it, man, at least I'm trying. Talking about these sorts of things with someone you trust and care about is important."

"Is that not what I am attempting to do?" Spock asked. Before Jim had been called away to deal with a potential issue among the Enterprise's current guests, Spock had gathered both Jim and Leonard together with the purpose of working through a line of thought that had followed him around for the past 30 days.

Leonard deflated a bit, rubbing his hands together in a nervous manner. Spock attempted not to stare, as the emotions that evoked were ones he had not yet begun to speak of.

"Do not worry, Leonard, I will not continue until Jim has returned," Spock said in a tone he hoped would be reassuring.

"How am I supposed to do that, with you calling us by our names?" Leonard protested, now tossing his hands up in the air.

"It is a personal matter, so it would be illogical to use your professional titles."

"And that's why I'm nervous! Last time you had a personal matter that you had to involve me and Jim in, you were dying or your father was dying." Leonard didn't return to pacing, instead, he crossed the room and kneeled beside Spock. His blue eyes were wide and filled with concern.

"My apologies. I did not mean to raise alarm," Spock said, reaching out towards Leonard. He wasn't sure what he'd do, but he needed such dramatics to end. It brought an uncomfortable warmth that was tempting to lean into. To drown in. “Please, stand.” Spock stopped himself before he actually could touch Leonard’s elbows.

Leonard seemed to take a long enough time pondering this request as to border on his usual teasing. He finally stood, pressing a hand against Spock’s knee as he did. He settled then into Jim’s other chair so that they were now directly across from each other. “So you’re not dying.”

“Not that I am aware of. Though as my doctor, I believe you are to give me such status updates.”

This returned Leonard to a... huffier state. “I’d be able to do that if you didn’t lie to me.”

“Vulcan’s do not lie,” Spock reminded him.

“Oh really? Then it seems like I’ll need a copy of whatever definition you’re using for the word.”

Jim returned to catch that last exchange. “Gentlemen. I see I haven’t missed anything.” He was smiling, coming to lean against the partition that divided his quarters.

Spock found himself calmed by Jim’s presence. “The Andorian ambassador is settled?”

“Yes, Scotty was able to change the climate control settings for her quarters to something comfortable,” Jim said, as he looked from Spock to Leonard and back. “Where were we?”

“Spock was telling us something that is a “personal matter",” Leonard provided. “I’ve got him to promise no one is dying.”

“Statistically in the breadth of the universe and even just among life as we know it, at this moment-”

“Shut it!” Leonard’s tone was supposed to be sharp, but it was too rounded by his own laughter.

“Very well,” Spock turned towards Leonard, both eyebrows raised, and remained silent.

“Jim, look what he’s doing now!” Leonard complained, leaning closer towards Spock, as close as he could get with the desk between them.

Jim’s laughter filled the silence, and he crossed the room to sit on the corner of his desk. “Spock, Bones, come now.” His face was in that easy grin of his, the one Spock associated with times when all was well. “Spock, what did you want to talk to us about?”

Yes, the mission at hand. One that he had set for himself because, given the nature of their work and luck, it seemed best to share his thoughts sooner than later. Spock had planned the words he would say carefully, trying to predict what response he might get. He would not call himself nervous, as that emotion tended to be one of the most illogical.

“Yeah Spock, sorry,” Leonard smiled kindly, leaning back again. His foot nudged Spock’s under the table in what must have been encouragement. Leonard rarely apologized for their mutual antagonization of the other, another sign he was taking this seriously.

“It has come to my attention that I hold you both in strong regard.” Spock thought that was as good a place to start as any, even as his practiced words seemed to fall away. He should have written them down... But that would have no doubt brought Leonard’s amusement and possibly ire. “I also know, while it is not the practice on Vulcan, for many cultures it is customary to let those you care about know of your regard towards them.”

Both Leonard and Jim were silent, which was not one of the responses Spock had anticipated. It was Leonard who finally spoke and said, “Are you sure you’re not dying? Because you just admitted to having an emotion. Several, in fact.”

“Indeed. It was our last away mission that brought me to further examine my feelings towards both Jim and yourself.” Spock had been the one, after 27.8 frantic hours, to find and rescue the captain and chief medical officer. Between coordinating the rescue effort, Spock found his thoughts consumed with things he wished to tell them both. “I... care for you both. My existence is greatly improved by your presence in it.”

He hoped that they could understand all he was not able to say. ‘Don’t leave me, I need you, I missed you, I-’

“Spock,” Jim’s voice was soft, and when Spock looked up at him, so was his expression. “I feel the same.” He then looked towards Leonard, and Spock followed his gaze.

Leonard looked between them both, and his blinking grew more rapid. When he finally spoke, his voice was rough. “Damnit, I don’t know what I’d do if I lost either of you. You’ve both managed to pick up my pieces and put them back together. I can’t remember the last time I felt complete.”

Of course, Leonard, who was better with emotions than either Spock or Jim, would put the words to it: that there existed between them something that exceeded a friendship bond. They had become family. Partners. A tension settled then, the question -

“What do we do?” Jim voiced it. “It’s not as if we can stop going on dangerous missions. That’s not the life we signed up for.”

“I know neither of you could be happy sitting by,” Leonard agreed. “You’re explorers to your cores. And someone who asks you to change your very nature isn’t worth keeping.”

Keep. Spock turned the word over in his mind. “It seems that what is in our power to change is the parameters of our relationship.”

Jim let out a breath that sounded like ‘yes.’

“If you’re suggesting what I think you’re suggesting, that’d be against regulation.” Leonard pointed at Spock. “Would you be okay with that?”

“Affirmative.” Spock had to focus to keep his tone even. This was not one of the outcomes he had let himself ponder. His desire for it would have become overwhelming.

“What about the ol’ needs of the many over the few?” Leonard said, and Spock knew he wasn’t arguing because he was against the possibility now hanging heavy in the room, more tangible than it had ever been before because it had been named. Leonard was making sure Spock was sure; that he was comfortable.

“You are both professionals, whom I trust not to let the personal adversely interfere with the running of the ship.” It was an easier answer than he thought. “I even theorize that such a change in our relationship could improve personal performance.”

“Now that is a theory that I want to test.” Jim moved to stand, so he could face them both fully. His smile was back and wider than Spock could recall seeing it. “I’d like to very much.”

Leonard was smiling now as well. “Why am I surprised that this has been the weirdest way I’ve ever been asked out?”

“Come on Bones, for science,” Jim’s eyes twinkled, and he reached out to catch one of Leonard’s hands. “But more importantly, for... love.”

Spock watched the way their fingers fit together, and almost missed that Jim had spoken the final unspoken word. He looked back towards their expressions, before standing himself and coming closer, to stand between them both.

“Of course I will,” Leonard said. “Spock?”

“Affirmative,” Spock said again, and added, while carefully watching Leonard’s expression. “It should prove fascinating.” Before Leonard could offer a retort to that, Spock held out his index and middle finger to him. A gesture he knew the good doctor had picked up the significance of.

Leonard’s eyes went wide once more, but he didn’t hesitate before reciprocating the gesture. Once he had, Spock felt a wave of affection he could not pinpoint as his own emotion or Leonard’s. Spock then offered the same to Jim, who looked like he had been given a gift to rival his captaincy of the Enterprise.

When Jim’s finger’s met Spock’s, the three of them stood visibly connected in a way Spock knew their lives had already long been. This, then, was proof that he would not lose them. At least, not without making sure they knew what they meant to him.

It spoke of a new beginning, a new adventure, shared between the three of them.

[boldlygo-boldlygoing-boldlygone]

And We Do It All Again - Chapter 1

Summary: Jim has two big problems right now. The first is that he is hopelessly in love with his First Officer and his Chief Medical Officer, and neither seems to return his feelings. The second is that he's stuck in a time loop where his ship is destroyed and his crew killed, over and over again.

Things can never be simple for James T. Kirk, can they?

Warnings: angst, (temporary) character death, swearing, time loops, suicide attempt in a later chapter (again, it’s in a time loop so it doesn’t really work) 

Pairing: McSpirk

Chapter 1 of 7

Next

A/N: This can also be read here on AO3! 

-

When Jim opened his eyes, a soft sigh fell from his lips. He'd been dreaming again. The same as usual- Bones and Spock, both by his side. Not as friends, not just as friends, but as so much more. Waking up alone was getting harder and harder. Jim rolled to his side, then closed his eyes. He hadn't bothered to clean up after his and Spock's chess match last night. The pieces were still scattered around the table and two glasses, one still half full, sat on the table. Spock had declined a drink, but Bones rarely turned down whiskey. It had been a nice evening. Quiet. Just the three of them. It had left him extraordinarily sad, however. Going to bed alone after such a peaceful evening felt cruel. If they'd have stayed, it would have been perfect.

Of course, for that, they'd have to return his feelings. Which they didn't.

Jim sighed again and scrubbed at his face, then threw his legs off the bed and shuffled to the bathroom. Once he was properly cleaned for the day, he dressed. He headed for the mess hall, smile rising without thought when he saw Spock seated alone, eating while reading from his PADD. Jim grabbed his own meal, then plopped down across from him.

"Good morning, captain." Spock greeted, setting his PADD aside.

"Morning, Mr. Spock." Jim smiled at his first officer.

"Our match last night was quite riveting. Your skill is improving."

"You mad that I beat you?" Jim teased. "We can always do a rematch tonight."

"That would be most pleasant." Spock agreed. "Will Dr. McCoy be joining us?"

Jim's heart skipped at the thought of being alone with both of them so soon. "I bet he will. I can ask him- now actually."

"Ask me what?" Bones asked, sitting beside Jim and eyeing the two of them.

"Spock and I are gonna have a rematch. You comin?"

"Depends. Will there be whiskey?"

Jim's chest hurt and his smile deflated. He'd used the last of it the previous night. "Not this time."

Bones shrugged and started eating. "Eh, why not. Should probably drink less anyway."

Jim felt his grin return. "Great! Meet in my cabin around 2300?"

"Affirmative."

"I can do that."

"Perfect. Now, Mr. Spock, we should head to the bridge."

"Correct, captain." Spock stood, nodding to Bones. "Until tonight, Leonard."

"Bye, Bones!" Bones waved them off, rolling his eyes as Jim lead the way to the turbolift.

"I must admit, I do find the recreational time spent with you and Dr. McCoy quite enjoyable." Spock commented as they rode it to the bridge.

"Aw, you're really turning into a sap on me, aren't you, Spock?"

Spock quirked an eyebrow at him, a small smirk on his lips. He stepped onto the deck without a word.

"Captain on the bridge!"

"Status report, Mr. Sulu?" Jim called, eyes following Spock to his seat. Damn those sharp Vulcan features. Damn his firm ass. Damn him.

"Starfleet sent us new orders this morning. There's a planet in our sector they want us to check out."

"Set the course. How long?"

"Only a few hours. We should reach it before the end of Alpha shift."

"Good." Jim leaned back and watched his crew buzz around him. He allowed himself to get lost in it all, filling out reports and other paperwork, sneaking the occasional glance at Spock or around the deck. It was a peaceful shift.

Until it wasn't.

"Sir, there's an unidentified ship approaching."

Jim frowned as Sulu called out the notification. "Hail them."

"Yes, sir." There was a pause, a moment where Sulu did as he was told. "They're not responding, sir." The frown deepened.

"Try again. And-" His order was cut off as the entire ship shook, an explosion dangerously close.

"We've been hit, captain! Damage to engine one!"

"Shields up, Sulu!" Jim shifted forward, hands clutching the armrest. "Arm the phasers and-" Screams cut him off as they were hit again, then again.

"Shields at twenty percent!"

"Fire back!"

Jim barked, eyes glued to the ship looming, unaffected, as they returned fired. "It didn't even dent their shields!" Sulu called.

Jim swore. "Can you get us out of here, Mr. Sulu?"

"Yes, sir. I just need to-" Sulu was stopped as the ship was hit again.

"Shields at ten percent!" Chekov called.

"Damn it! Sulu, get us out of here!"

"Sir, they destroyed one of our engines, I can't warp!"

Jim swore loudly. If there was a way out of this one, he couldn't see it. Right now, the best he could do now was save his crew. "Evacuate the ship! Everyone to the pods!" He ordered, hitting the alarm as he stood. Immediately, the bridge crew hurried out, red light flooding the darkening room. Sulu did not move.

"Mr. Sulu, that's an order!"

"The autopilot is down, sir."

"Yeah, well we're not going anywhere anyway." Jim grabbed his arm and yanked the pilot from his chair. "You're not dying today, Mr. Sulu." Jim snatched the photo of Demora off the console and shoved it into Sulu's hands. The pilot's eyes widened. "Get to your pod, now!"

"Yes, sir." Sulu nodded sharply and sprinted away, his daughter's photo clutched in his hands.

"Captain-"

"Come on, Spock, we have to go." Jim said, turning to his First Officer. Spock walked towards him, but another hit had him stumbling into Jim. The captain caught him and hauled him back to his feet. "Go on. I'm getting Bones and then I'll be right behind you."

"Doctor McCoy would not want-"

"I don't care." Jim was already running, well aware of Spock right on his heels. "Get out of here, Spock!"

"Negative. I will not leave you, captain."

"Damn your loyalty, Spock." Jim shook his head, but didn't argue as Spock caught up and ran beside him. Truth be told, he was always glad to have Spock by his side. Around them, crew members were frantic as they rushed to the escape pods, panic and fear overtaking the ship as each new hit shook the vessel. Jim could feel her coming apart.

His heart broke.

Right now, however, he was focused on getting to sickbay and dragging Bones out of there.

They practically fell inside as another blast struck the ship. Jim swore again. He could feel it; the shields were gone. "Bones!"

"Jim, what the hell are you doing here?" Bones snapped, eyes only briefly going to the captain as he helped Nurse Chapel drag a patient from their bed.

"Getting you out. Your patients are all cleared, come on."

"Yeah, yeah, okay." Bones glanced at Chapel again, but she was clearly fine. "Let's go."

"Good. Come on, I-" Jim was cut off as the world around him exploded. He gasped as he was thrown back, landing in Bones' office. "Bones! Spock!" The world spun as he fought to open his eyes, to understand. What he saw sent a bolt of ice cold horror down his spine.

Spock was clinging to the broken remains of a wall, Bones' hand clutched in his. Beds and equipment flew out the opening.

Time seemed to slow as Spock tried to pull Bones to him, his face growing greener with each passing moment. Bones had already gone blue. "No!" Jim screamed, watching in horror as Spock's eyes rolled back and he lost his grip. "NO!" Around him, the air buzzed and he knew before it happened.

The world exploded into pain and horror and despair as the ship fired again.

And then it went black.

. . .

Jim woke gasping.

[dustykneed]

hey psst. Stop scrolling ensign the triumvirate has some affirmations for you!

bonus:

ok you can keep scrolling now. But they think you did a very good job! And they want to remind you that you are loved, and deserve to be loved, and that you are, and have always been, enough.

(live long and prosper out there everyone! remember that they are so very proud of you for being here🩵💙💛)

next affirmations post here

[dustykneed]

psst stop scrolling ensign!! happy trans joy tsaturday (brought to you by the triumvirate <333)

doing this a little differently this time. but these are mcspirk affirmations in my heart... there's no wrong way to be trans. and we deserve to experiment, and present in ways that feel right to us, and to grow old and wrinkly and be happy. these guys support all of us and they know that it's possible to be comfortable in your own skin and that you always deserve to feel trans joy. they're proud of you. they want you to know that you will be okay and they believe in you.

bonus t4t4t mcspirk! look at them go <33

[dustykneed]

HAPPY (last day of) PRIDE MONTH!

i'm reasonably sure it's still june in the states. humor me

[dustykneed]

not really a question but i did want to let you know (since i chickened out of saying it in the tags when i rb) that i saw the first post with affirmations from kirk, spock and mccoy the same day that i also had a dream thay mccoy was swearing at me, telling me that im not allowed to commit suicide. and he wasn't screaming or anything, so it was actually weirdly healing and like...helpful. and seeing your art after that was an amazing addition too, i kept revisiting it through the week because that week was particularly heavy and it really lifted my mood

(sincerely hoping this ask isn't too weird)

hey brandy!! i'm so sorry it took me so long to respond to this ask but please know that it's not at all too weird or anything like that.

it means so, so much to me that the things i make could help lift the weight off your shoulders a little. i'm so glad that the affirmations found their way to you when they were needed and i mean it when i say it's the biggest honor i could ever imagine, to have my stuff be a source of comfort to you. please have this bones who wants you to know that you are worth the struggle and you deserve to be okay, and he is so, so very proud of you 🩵🩵🩵🩵🩵

[dustykneed]

hey ensign!! stop scrolling the triumvirate has some reminders for you. (they also want you to know that they still mean the affirmations they gave you last time-- and they hope you know that you are very important, and you deserve to be okay.)

bonus:

something something tits man ass man

anyways live long and prosper out there everyone!! You are loved and you are deserving of kindness.

[boldlygo-boldlygoing-boldlygone]

And We Do It All Again - Chapter 7

Summary: Jim has two big problems right now. The first is that he is hopelessly in love with his First Officer and his Chief Medical Officer, and neither seems to return his feelings. The second is that he’s stuck in a time loop where his ship is destroyed and his crew killed, over and over again.

Things can never be simple for James T. Kirk, can they?

Warnings: angst, (temporary) character death, swearing, time loops, suicide attempt in a later chapter (again, it’s in a time loop so it doesn’t really work)

Pairing: McSpirk

Chapter 7 of 7

First  Previous Next

A/N: Can also be read here on AO3!

-

Jim woke and sighed, his eyes catching the chess board, the whiskey glasses. A familiar sight by now. He thought about the confessions.

Without another thought, he rolled in his bed and grabbed his communicator. Bones and Spock arrived together, just as Jim finished pulling on his uniform.

"Jim, is all well?"

"Seriously, you better be dying. I was still asleep!"

"I need to tell you both something." Jim informed them, watching them enter the room from his seat on the bed.

"It couldn't wait until breakfast?"

"It's waited long enough." Jim looked at them both, love and a desperate need for them to know rising in him. "This may sound insane, but I promise, I am mentally and physically fine. Bones, you can even check after this, if you want." He began calmly. Both looked concerned, but he continued before they could interrupt. "I am in love with both of you. Have been for a while."

There was a long silence, a moment where they both just stared at her. Then, Spock spoke.

"Captain, I must ask, what has caused this outburst?"

Jim shrugged. "It needed to be said. I'm tired of hiding it." He was so damn tired. It had been so long and he was just so tired. It felt good to admit this. After the last few cycles, it almost felt natural.

"Jim, stop messing around."

"I'm not." He shrugged. "I'm in love with both of you. Whatever happens next is up to you guys. I don't expect anything, but I needed you to know."

"T'hy'la." The word was whispered reverently, Spock's voice shaking. Jim felt a smile tugging at his face despite his exhaustion.

Bones glanced between the two then straightened, shaking his head. "Idiots." He mumbled, turning for the door. Jim rose to stop him, but Spock beat him to it. Spock caught the doctor's wrist and pulled him back. "Leonard. Please, do not leave. I- I must confess, I have also been harboring feelings for both of you as well."

Bones didn't look convinced. "Look, you two are great for each other. You don't need me mucking it up. Just- let me go with my dignity."

"Shut up, Bones." Jim couldn't think of a time when his heart had felt so full.

"I must agree, Leonard."

"This is insane. Actually insane. You just wanna jump into a polygamous relationship? What's the crew gonna say?"

"It's the 23rd century, Bones. I think it'll be okay. And we don't need to rush into anything. Like I said, I don't expect anything. I just... I needed you to know."

"Perhaps we should continue this conversation after our respective shifts. It is nearly time for us to be on the bridge, Jim."

Jim nodded. "We can meet here at 2300, okay? We'll figure out what this all means." The promise of later felt so abstract, so unreal, but it was what they'd expect him to offer. So he offered it.

"Affirmative."

"I guess."

Jim stepped forward, love washing over him as he took the two in. Then, he grabbed Bones and pulled him into a tight hug. "I love you, Bones."

Bones returned the hug. "Love you too, kid." His voice was gruff, but Jim knew better.

In the turbolift with Spock, Jim put a hand on his First Officer's bicep. "I know touch is sacred to Vulcans, so I don't expect anything. I just want you to know I love you."

Spock looked at him, face as calm as Jim had ever seen it. "I love you as well, Jim."

It should have made him happy. Here was Spock, saying he loved him. After everything, it should have been a relief. Somehow it only managed to break his heart.

"Captain on the bridge!"

He sat through his shift, sneaking glanced at Spock (who was doing the same to him) and hating everything. It had been shockingly easy. They weren't his yet, but they were willing to talk. They were both interested.

Well, Spock was. Bones hadn't said it explicitly, but Jim could remember how he'd kissed him, how he'd gripped him. He knew Bones loved him. He suspected he'd always known, deep down. Until now, he'd just been too afraid to allow himself to hope. Of course, now knowing that didn't do him much good. Not when he'd wake tomorrow starting all over again.

"Sir, there's an unidentified ship approaching."

There it was. The worst ship in the galaxy. If only he could stop it. Steer the ship to some safe location. Maybe get aboard it and-

Get aboard it.

An idea hit him hard and he jumped up, body in motion even before his mind had fully considered this new plan. "Mr. Sulu, shields up! Mr. Spock, take the con!"

"Captain-"

"Do it, that's an order!" He called, already sprinting from the room.

He commed Scotty to meet him in the transporter room. They both arrived just as the first hit shook the ship. Jim jumped onto the platform, the seconds ticking away in his head. "Beam me onto that ship!"

"Sir, I don't know if-"

"That's an order!"

Scotty's eyes widened and he began punching buttons, clearly shocked. Jim wasn't one to bark orders like that.

He wasn't sure where he was when he landed, but he had a half-formed plan and that was further than he usually got. Jim took off, squinting at the signs and arrows directing him. As he ran, he shot any and all he came across.

"Enterprise to Captain Kirk!" There was a tightness to Spock's voice. A small shift, something most wouldn't notice. But Jim knew his first officer well. Spock was not pleased with him.

"Kirk here." Jim responded, slightly out of breath as he approached the engineering room.

"Captain, you must beam back aboard the Enterprise immediately. We do not know who is controlling this ship, but they are clearly hostile."

"Can't, Spock. Nothing else is gonna work, they're too strong. I'm taking it down from the inside."

"Captain-"

"Sorry, Spock." Jim snapped the communicator shut and shoved it back into his pocket, just in time. He sprinted into the engineering room, scanning for the most volatile pieces of machinery. It didn't take long to find them. Jim wasn't entirely sure what he was doing. He knew how the Enterprise ran. He knew what to do to keep her happy (though not as happy as Scotty kept her), but this wasn't the Enterprise. It was all cruder, more basic machinery.

Good thing he wasn't trying to keep this ship happy.

"Hey!"

Jim spun, phaser up and firing, but too late. He gasped, grabbing his side as pain seared through him. Huh. Being shot. That was certainly different. Boarding the enemy ship really had opened a world of possibilities.

Still, his aim was true and the last guard was down. He turned back to the equipment and set to work destroying anything he could get his hands on. The timer inside his head was running out. Jim counted himself lucky, then, when something exploded a few feet away from him. The force knocked him down and sent pain up his side, but he ignored it and scrambled to his feet, sprinting for the door.

"Kirk to Enterprise! Requesting immediate beam up, if you have the capability! I repeat, requesting immediate-"

It was too late. Just as he cleared the door, fire engulfed him, catching him and spitting him out. It was somehow just like being on the Enterprise as it exploded and yet so different. Briefly, he was relieved he didn't have to see Bones or Spock die again. As he was thrown out into space, he shut his eyes and let the darkness come, that thought a comfort as he slipped away. Maybe next time he'd figure out how to save them all. Maybe next time, he'd do better.

. . .

He woke slowly and repressed a sigh, keeping his eyes shut this time. Briefly, he wondered if this was a day when he stayed in bed. It was like his pain from the last day had followed him. Everything ached and he was so, so tired. Still, he should probably keep working. Getting aboard the other ship was new. Exploring that might bring new choices. He had to escape this damn loop somehow. There had to be a way. There had to be.

It was just so hard to keep going.

"Jim?"

And now he was hearing things. Great. This damn loop had finally driven him crazy. He thought repeating the same day would keep that from happening, but evidently not. Because now he was hearing Spock's voice, and-

"Jimmy, open your eyes."

And Bones. Great, just great. Like this wasn't hard enough as it was.

"We can see your vitals. We know you're awake."

Might as well get it over with. Sighing softly, Jim let his eyes fall open.

He wasn't in his room.

Immediately, he bolted up, eyes widening and head twisting, searching the area. He was in the sickbay, in a private room. Spock and Bones stood beside him. "Woah, calm down!" Bones grabbed him and forced him back. "You need to lay down!"

"I'm not in my room."

"No, you're not." Bones scowled. "What the hell were you thinking, beaming onto that ship? You're lucky Scotty had the brains to get Chekov to catch you or you'd be dead right now!"

"Chekov caught me?"

"Yeah, after that damn ship blew up and spit you out."

"Wait, the ship- Is the Enterprise okay?"

"Oh for God's sake!"

"Yes, Jim." Spock responded. "There was substantial damage, but because of your early order to put up shields and distraction aboard the other ship, we were able to avoid destruction."

"How many dead?"

"None. Thirty-six injuries, but no deaths."

No deaths. Not a single one.

"We very nearly had one." Bones scowled at Jim, jabbing a hypo into his neck. "You damn fool!"

"Ow, Bones!" Jim complained.

"Don't wanna get hypoed, don't almost get yourself killed!"

"I had to."

"No you didn't!" Bones' eyes were burning. "You pull this damn stunt right after telling us you're in love with us and you expect me to believe you had to? Bullshit!"

"Bones-"

"I was preparing my speech to convince you two to enjoy yourselves without me and then I find out you beamed onto an unknown, hostile ship? Seriously, Jim?"

"I'm sorry."

"You damn well should be! You're an idiot!"

"I am."

Bones stared at him for a long moment, then grabbed him and pulled him into a bruising kiss. "If you'd died before I had a chance to kiss you, I'd have brought you back just to kill you again myself."

"Noted." Jim let out a breathy laugh, chest bubbly with too many emotions to process. He could feel Spock's eyes on him, so he turned and raised two fingers, remembering the Vulcan way of kissing. The corner of Spock's lips turned up and he returned the gesture. Before Jim could speak, however, Spock's other hand curled around the back of Jim's neck. He pulled Jim into a human kiss. It was gentler than Bones', but still filled with emotion.

"As illogical as it is, I must agree with Leonard." He said once they'd pulled apart. "You must learn not to endanger yourself."

Jim let his eyes flutter shut and he laughed again, breathy and tired and so relieved. "I think I can do that. For you two."

Bones snorted. "Yeah right."

"Hey!"

"Lay back down. You still need to rest."

"I'm fine!"

"You were shot, you arm was nearly burned off, and you almost suffocated. Shut up and rest."

"Bones!" Jim moaned, obeying none the less. He let the doctor work, smiling fondly as he grumbled and Spock stood over his bed, watching with those sharp eyes of his. He thought about explaining his actions. Telling them about the loop, about being stuck going through the same day over and over. Giving them the highlights of his experience. But then Spock's fingers pressed rest lightly against his wrist and Bones' hands lingered a moment longer than necessary on his shoulder and he knew he couldn't ruin this. So he lay still and let their presences wash over him.

It was over. The nightmare was finally over. And in this moment, he didn't want to relive any of it. He'd tell them eventually. He'd explain why he'd done what he had, tell them about the highs and lows of his experience, about how much he'd seen and done and felt, but for now he just wanted to remain in the present and let himself feel loved.

And how so very loved he felt.

[boldlygo-boldlygoing-boldlygone]

And We Do It All Again - Chapter 6

Summary: Jim has two big problems right now. The first is that he is hopelessly in love with his First Officer and his Chief Medical Officer, and neither seems to return his feelings. The second is that he’s stuck in a time loop where his ship is destroyed and his crew killed, over and over again.

Things can never be simple for James T. Kirk, can they?

Warnings: angst, (temporary) character death, swearing, time loops, suicide attempt in a later chapter (again, it’s in a time loop so it doesn’t really work)

Pairing: McSpirk

Chapter 6 of 7

First  Previous Next

A/N: Can also be read here on AO3!

-

"Jim?"

He didn't bother opening his eyes as Bones walked into his office, the confusion clear in his voice. "Put me on sick leave. Please."

"What's wrong?"

"I just need you to tell them I can't work today. Please, Bones."

There was a heavy pause, then movement as Bones grabbed his PADD. A few taps, a ping, then Bones spoke again. "What happened?"

Jim sighed and sat up, making more room for Bones beside him. He could feel the worry radiating from the doctor and he hated himself for being the cause. "Have you ever been in love, Bones?"

Another pause. Jim wondered if he'd offended Bones and prepared to apologize. Before he could, however, Bones responded. "Yes."

"Jocelyn?" Jealousy thrummed in his head, but he ignored it.

"Once upon a time." Jim blinked. "I wanted to keep loving her, but... I just couldn't. We weren't right for each other, but we both wanted to be married. Wanted that life, ya know?"

"Have you been in love since?"

Jim didn't actually expect an answer. He expected Bones to ask what was wrong again, to brush him off or change the subject. Instead, he nodded. Jim couldn't help himself. "Who?"

"No one that's interested."

They sat like that for a long time, shoulder to shoulder, neither speaking and neither needing to. It was the kind of comfortable silence that used to fall over their dorm. It was the kind of silence that Jim had found in those moments with himself, Spock, and Bones.

Jim spoke softly. "I think I'm in love."

Bones snorted and looked away. "Spock?"

"Yeah. But... Bones, it's not just Spock." Bones raised an eyebrow and looked at him. Jim's heart quickened and he saw the realization fall across his best friend's features. He shifted closer, pulse racing.

"Jim-"

"If you want me to stop, you have to tell me now." Bones didn't answer, just stared at him, and that was all Jim needed. He surged forward, kissing him hard and desperate and completely. It felt so right that Jim wondered why he hadn't been doing it all along. He should have done this from the beginning- what would it matter? It's not like the day ever stuck. When they pulled apart, Bones could only stare. "What would you think about it? You, me, and Spock?"

"Spock ain't interested in me." Bones pulled away, the heat, the love in the kiss vanishing as he retreated. "But you two. You were made for each other. You should-"

"Damn it, Bones!" The ship shook violently and Jim knew he'd wasted too much time. "Damn it all!"

. . .

"Mr. Spock?"

"Yes, captain?"

So much time had passed. Jim wasn't even sure how many times he'd lived through this day. It was exhausting, he was exhausted. He'd tried so many things, but none of them worked. At least now he knew the time, down to the second, that the ship started firing. They had two point six minutes before it appeared, three point nine before it fired.

"I am deeply in love with you."

The bridge went silent.

"Captain?"

"Just thought you should know."

"Captain, I do not understand."

"That's okay. Mr. Sulu, shields up."

"What? Captain, there's nothing-"

"Shields up, Mr. Sulu."

"Yes, sir."

The next minute was heavy, awkward, as Spock stared at him, face neutral, but eyes- god his eyes- seemed to flash through a thousand emotions.

"Sir, there's a foreign ship approaching."

"Hail them."

"No response, sir. Should I-" That first damn hit.

"Evacuate the ship."

"Sir, we can escape."

"No we can't. Go." Jim didn't rise. He sat and watched as the ship fired again. "Mr. Spock, that includes you."

"I cannot leave you alone, captain."

"I'm ordering you to."

"I will not obey." Spock stood stubbornly by his side, hands folded behind his back.

"We're not going either." Sulu declared. "We can get out of here."

"Mr. Sulu-"

"Shut up, Jim." Uhura called. Chekov laughed, short and nervous.

Jim laughed too- tired and sad. It didn't matter. They would die either way. "Affirmative, Lieutenant." He watched, knowing he was helpless, as the crew fought with him, calling out orders and trying their damnedest to save their ship. When it was obvious the effort was futile, a lull fell over the bridge.

"At least most of the crew got off." Sulu murmured.

"You are the best crew any captain could have asked for. I love you all." Jim informed them, eyes locked onto the ship. Forty-four seconds before it blew them into nothing.

"And you the best captain we could ask for." Spock responded easily, his hand slipping down to grip Jim's. There was a cry of agreement.

Jim closed his eyes as the count reached zero seconds. "I'm so sorry."

. . .

He called Bones to the bridge four point eight minutes before the ship arrived. "What's wrong?" He asked gruffly, coming to stand beside Jim.

"Nothing's wrong. I just wanted to tell you I'm in love with you and Mr. Spock."

It was just like the last time, but this time they were both there, his two loves on either side, each holding one of his hands.

It wasn't the worst way he'd ever died.

[boldlygo-boldlygoing-boldlygone]

And We Do It All Again - Chapter 2

Summary: Jim has two big problems right now. The first is that he is hopelessly in love with his First Officer and his Chief Medical Officer, and neither seems to return his feelings. The second is that he’s stuck in a time loop where his ship is destroyed and his crew killed, over and over again.

Things can never be simple for James T. Kirk, can they?

Warnings: angst, (temporary) character death, swearing, time loops, suicide attempt in a later chapter (again, it’s in a time loop so it doesn’t really work)

Pairing: McSpirk

Chapter 2 of 7

Previous Next

A/N: Can also be read here on AO3!

-

Jim thrashed, legs tangling in his sheets, and ended up on the floor, clutching his chest and sucking in breath. Panicked, he kicked off the sheets and stumbled to his feet.

It was only when he realized he wasn't being sucked into the emptiness of space that he paused.

He stood in his room, blinking and taking deep, plentiful breaths. With a shaky hand, he glanced at the clock. Seeing the date, he exhaled deeply. A dream. It had only been a dream. His eyes turned, pausing on the chess board and glasses. A shiver ran up his spine.

Just a dream.

He rushed through his routine that morning, unwilling to admit even to himself that his hands shook a tad. Seeing them would help, he decided, and the sooner he got to see them, the sooner he'd feel better. Once he was dressed, he headed for the mess hall, trying to keep his face relaxed. Something caught in his chest when Spock was seated in the exact place he'd been in his dream, reading, but Jim pushed it away. Spock sat in roughly the same place every day. And he liked to be productive, so the PADD wasn't strange either. Still, he knew he was tense as he sat across from his First Officer.

"Good morning, captain."

"Morning, Spock."

"Our match last night was quite riveting. Your skill is improving."

Jim blinked, mouth going dry. He just knew Spock well. This wasn't weird, it didn't mean anything. "Thanks, Spock. Glad you had a good time."

The corner of Spock's mouth flickered down. "Are you well, Jim? You seem startled by my comment and you are, as Dr. McCoy says, fidgeting."

"No, I'm okay. Just had a weird dream." Jim threw his friend a reassuring smile and allowed himself to lightly touch his First Officer's forearm. Hands were a whole thing for Vulcans, he knew that, but a forearm should be okay. Besides, the contact made it easier to prove to himself that this was real and that he hadn't just watched the two people he cared about most die. "Anyway, let's have a rematch tonight. Bet you beat me this time."

"Not this again." Bones plopped down beside Jim, scowling. Jim grinned and let his arm- the one not touching Spock- wrap around his friend's shoulders. The contact did wonders in calming his racing heart.

"Yes, this again! You wanna come?"

"Depends. Will there be whiskey?"

"Not tonight. You drank everything I had last night."

Bones snorted and started eating. "Like you didn't help."

"Come on, Bones, it'll be fun!"

"I dunno if I can suffer both of your presence without a drink." Bones smirked, quirking an eyebrow at Jim. "But I can try."

"Great! We can meet in my cabin at 2300."

"Affirmative."

"I can do that."

"Perfect." Jim paused, pushing aside the words that came naturally. "Spock, we outta get to the bridge."

"Correct, captain." Spock stood and nodded at Bones. "Until tonight, Leonard."

"See ya, Bones!" Jim grinned as Bones waved half-heartedly, something fond flickering in his features even as he rolled his eyes.

Jim fell into step with Spock as they headed for the turbolift. Inside, Spock spoke up. "I must admit, I do find the recreational time spent with you and Dr. McCoy quite enjoyable."

"I'm glad, Spock. It's- It's quite enjoyable for me too."

He felt Spock glance at him from the corner of his eye, but he didn't comment further. They stepped on the bridge together, then separated for their respective stations.

"Captain on the bridge!"

"Status report, Mr. Sulu?" Jim asked, a strange nervousness crawling over him as his pilot responded.

"Starfleet sent us new orders this morning. There's a planet in our sector they want us to check out."

"Okay." Jim hesitated. It had only been a dream. They were on an exploration mission, after all. It was a common enough command, it wasn't surprising.

"Sir?" Sulu glanced at Chekov, then back at him. "Shall I set the course?"

Jim cleared his throat. "Yes, Mr. Sulu. Thank you."

"Yes, sir."

He forced his attention to turn to his paperwork (paperwork that felt too familiar, too much the same as before), though was unable to keep from occasionally glancing out at the stars. Time crawled by and he found himself painfully tense, worry circling his mind. It had just been a dream. A frighteningly realistic one, but a dream all the same. After his shift, he'd head to his room, meet Bones and Spock, and tell them about it. They'd calm his fears and assure him that he was, in fact, being ridiculous. It'd be okay. He just had to finish this shift.

Then Sulu spoke and he felt as though all the air had left the room. "Sir, there's an unidentified ship approaching."

Jim sucked in a breath and ground his teeth, forcing his shaking hands to steady. "Hail them."

"They're not responding."

"Shields up. Then try again."

"Yes, sir." As Sulu moved to act, the entire ship jolted.

"We've been hit, captain! Damage to engine one!"

Jim swore, a cold panic washing over him. "Are the shields up?"

"Yes, sir, but the hit came while I was putting them up. They didn't block the entire blast."

"Fire back immediately!"

"Shields at twenty percent!" Chekov called.

"Firing now!" Sulu tensed. "It didn't even dent their shields!"

"Get us out of here, Mr. Sulu!"

"Yes, sir. I need-" The ship shook again. The hit took the lights with this time.

"Shields at ten percent!"

"Sulu, can you get us out?"

"The engine is too damaged, sir, I can't warp!"

"Damn it! Evacuate the ship!" He commanded, slamming the button. Red light flooded the room and Jim strode to the console, already pulling Sulu up.

"The autopilot is down, sir, I need to stay and-"

"Get out of here, Hikaru! That's an order!"

"But sir-" The ship rocked again.

"Think of Demora!"

Sulu's eyes went wide. Jim felt guilty for the bluntness, but it got the man moving, and that was what mattered. Jim turned his attention to Spock immediately.

"I need to find Bones."

"I will accompany you, captain."

Jim nodded sharply, not bothering to argue. The memory from yesterday- the dream, the damn dream- rose, but he pushed it down and pressed on.

"Bones!" The ship shook, more violently this time. The shields were down.

"I need to get my patients off this ship. Go without me!" Bones barked, not even looking at Jim.

"Come on, Bones, we can't stay!" Jim insisted, even as he pulled a patient out of bed and helped Nurse Chapel get a grip on him. She dragged the man- the last patient, he realized, as Bones helped Dr. M'Benga with another.

"Alright, alright. Lead the way."

Jim moved, knowing the two were behind him. Fear gripped him as the world exploded again, however, and he was thrown into Bones' office.

"No!"

Spock and Bones, clinging for dear life.

"Bones! Spock!"

Spock's eyes rolling. Bones' face going blue.

"No! No!"

Spock let go. Jim screamed. The world exploded.

. . .

This time, he shot out of bed, eyes fearful as they found the clock.

Same time. Same day.

He wanted to believe to it was a bad dream. That he was stressed and his brain had come up with some weird situation to cope with that. But it had all been too real for that. He didn't know what was happening, but he had to stop it.

He barely pulled on appropriate clothing before taking off, sprinting for Spock's room. He pounded on the door as soon as he arrived, heart racing.

"Jim. It is quite early, is all well?"

"No. You have to listen to me. I dunno what's going on, but I've been through this day twice now and both times, the Enterprise has been blown up and we all die. I need your help stopping it." As soon as it was out, he knew how insane it sounded. He was certain Spock thought he had lost it, but he was simply staring. When he spoke, his voice was void of emotion.

"Why don't you come inside?" Jim blinked, confused, but let Spock usher him inside. "Were you able to sleep last night, Jim?"

"What? Yeah, I guess. Spock, you're missing the point!"

"I am not. I am simply assessing the situation. You are certain these events were real?"

"Yes. Like I said, I don't know how, but they were! We have to do something!"

"Indeed." Spock looked at him a moment longer, then cautiously raised his arms. "You are shaking. May I hug you?"

Jim blinked. "Uh- what?"

"Hugs are customary means of comfort in Earth culture, correct?"

"Well- yeah."

"Then I wish to comfort you. This has clearly caused you great distress."

"I guess." Jim was still confused as Spock hugged him. He couldn't recall if Spock had ever hugged him. "I'm just glad you aren't calling me crazy. I thought you'd think I lost it."

"Believe me, Jim. I do not think you 'crazy,' as you say." Spock released him, sincerity in his eyes even as his features remained neutral. "I do apologize, however."

"What? What are you-" He didn't have a chance to finish as he felt Spock's fingers at his neck. The world was black before he even hit the ground.

The first thing he registered when he came to were voices, low and worried.

"-clearly believed these events to be real."

"Jesus, Spock. You did the right thing bringing him here."

"Will you be able to determine what is wrong?"

"Yeah, I should. He's probably just been pushing himself too much. You saw how tired he was last night."

"Exhaustion could cause delusions."

Delusions? "Bones. Spock!" Jim forced his heavy eyes open and tried to sit up. He found he couldn't.

"Woah, Jimmy, relax." Their faces appeared in his vision.

"Spock, what the hell!?"

"I apologize, captain. You were clearly in a state of panic and I believed Dr. McCoy could best assist you."

"I'm not having delusions! The ship is going to get attacked! Let me up so I can stop it!"

Bones frowned, eyes worried. "Kid, calm down. We're gonna figure out what's wrong, okay? You're gonna be fine." He was being gentle. Bones was never gentle.

He really thought Jim had lost it. He struggled harder against the restraints, anger and despair and betrayal flowing through his system. "Damn it, Bones! Just listen to me!"

"You're not makin any sense, kid. The ship is fine."

"Yeah, now! But we're gonna get attacked!"

"Jim-"

"I saw the crew dying! I saw you both die! I need to save you, let me save you!"

Spock and Bones exchanged a look. A hand closed around his and squeezed. "We're right here, Jimmy."

"Don't touch me, damn it!" Jim thrashed violently, too angry to properly appreciate the gesture. "Listen!"

"I'm gonna put you to sleep again, kid. We'll figure this out, I promise."

"No, Bones, don't! Please, don't!" But it was too late. Jim glowered at Bones, then Spock, as he felt the hypo kicking in. "Damn you both!" He snarled before his body relaxed on its own account and he fell unconscious again.

When he woke the second time, the world was red. Bones was beside him, yanking his limp body- still weak from the sedative- off the biobed. Jim leaned again Bones, groaning as the doctor practically dragged him to the door.

"Leonard!" Spock skidded to a halt in front of them, then grabbed Jim's other arm and helped drag him towards the door.

"What the hell is going on?" Bones hissed as they stumbled to the door.

"We are being attacked." Spock explained shortly. Jim was too weak to say 'I told you so.'

"What? By who?"

"I do not-"

The explosion cut him off. This time, Jim watched, horrified, as Bones was sucked out of the ship. The only thing keeping him from the same fate was Spock's strong arm, his grip painful on Jim's bicep.

"BONES!"

"Jim!" Spock pulled at him, but it was obvious the lack of atmosphere was affecting him. Jim himself already felt lightheaded. Black spots filled his vision and he passed out before Spock's grip failed.