#why is my heart still this broken
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I don’t wanna hold it against my old friends but it’s so fucking hard to be around them now
#everytime I see my friends from that time he gets brought up#what he did to me#and then she gets brought up too#how she left and didn’t give a fuck#and how they’re so close now#and it breaks my heart all over again#I was so drunk I don’t remember crying last night but I know I did#I don’t want to hold it against my friends it’s not their fault they didn’t do this to me#but god I miss her so much.#him he can choke after what he did#but I’d let her back into my life in a second and forgive everything#why is my heart still this broken
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I hsve an idea. Could u draw rose and ianto as besties
absOLUTELY I CAN
they’re chatting shit (lovingly) about their tall, long-coat-wearing, time-travelling, death-cheating, alien boyfriends who have spikey hair
#Jack is nursing 10s broken nose off screen from where Ianto decked him imo Ianto would not let 10s nonsense with Jack slide#jk Ianto would not punch him he would just make him instant coffee instead of The Ianto Special and then stew silently#doctor who#torchwood#torchwood fanart#rose tyler#dwmmm.ask#ianto jones#SORRY I DISAPPEARED FOR AGES EVERYONE IM BACK HELLO !!!!!!#apologies to all the people who have sent asks that are sitting in my inbox im getting to them soon!!!#also I’m working on a big cool colab which I’m v excited about >:)#this is meant to have the vibes of the school reunion scene with sarah jane and rose laughing at 10!!#Ianto would be besties with all of 10s companions actually#him and martha are already besties & him and donna would get on so well snarky secretary duo#him and rose would not only bond over stories about the 9/jack/rose tardis team but also over being estate kids !!!#him rose and martha hanging out being the only under 25s 🚶♂️#s1 Ianto is the type to still get IDed for redbull#maybe that’s why he really wears the suit so people stop thinking he’s a 16 year old#anyway I digress thank u for the ask I hope this appeases you I love this vision and also hate drawing roses hair it’s SO hard#killer side part#but I loved drawing this bc I love ianto and rose friendship#ps theye matching colours on purpose bc they’re bffs#also like ianto in the audios constantly makes friends with random side characters you can’t convince me this man isn’t extroverted at heart
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It’s so embarrassing and heartbreaking being in so much pain over losing someone while knowing they don’t give a fuck if you live or die. Your favorite person becoming a stranger is a special kind of hell.
#I fucking hate having bpd#while I’m at it I don’t understand the fuckin audacity some people have to say they love you and do horrible things to you#I feel so stupid#I feel so stupid for believing all the lies#but I was so in love and put him on such a pedestal that I just allowed it all.#thinking about someone constantly and grieving over them and knowing they’re perfectly fine and to them you don’t exist#I’m still in such a state of grief and I don’t understand why time hasn’t healed#it honestly feels like it’s gotten worse w time#I just torture myself but I can’t help it my brain wants me dead#it’s so painful I feel so fucking stupid#being abandoned with no closure by someone who’s your entire world#for someone they were unfaithful to you with multiple times (I don’t even know how many and dony want to know) immediately#like that was the plan all along#he took our cat hundreds of miles away and I don’t even know if he still has her or if she’s still alive and I miss her every day#I never loved someone like that and it feels like the heartbreak is actually physically killing me#i spent 1/5 of my entire life with him#I was my prettiest and had the best body at the time and I wasted it on someone who didn’t appreciate me#not wasted. it wasn’t wasted. we had some incredible times together#I’ll never be that beautiful again#and now idk what do so bc i can’t decide which is worse: being alone and isolating or loving deeply and ending up horribly hurt all over#it’s all just so upsetting.#and I feel so stupid for allowing it all#he knows more about me than anyone and he made me feel like he loved me so much sometimes and then did horrid things and it’s so fucked up#nobody read this I’m so embarrassed and horribly broken#it traumatized me so much there was so much abuse and pain idk if I’ll ever recover#I deserved it but it still hurts my heart#I was so mentally ill and sick I know it had to have been miserable to be around me#there are so many things only he understands and knows about me and I need to talk about them I j wanna b able to b there 4 each other#but that girl is so beyond insecure and controlling so. if I want to talk to who fuckin gets me I’m just fucked#why lead someone on like that for years knowing you’re going to abandon them the second it’s convenient
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Maybe a Christian fiction writer just needs to tell the truth. Then tell a better truth.
#Yes it is a broken world! That is true! But a) brokenness doesn’t come in only one flavor (and for that matter neither does escapism#There are things I rather like to get away from in my preferred fiction#Like I’ll tolerate some of the things I like to get away from as long as the author doesn’t wallow in it before getting to the better truth#b) In this world you will have trouble#Doesn’t help me without#But take heart! I have overcome the world#And c) That the breaking will be mended in the end we Christians know and it’s at the heart of every really good story I believe*#but what of this often wildly beautiful in-between time called life that we currently experience? It’s still true too.#Taste and see that the Lord is good!#“Pine trees are just as real as pigsties and a darn sight prettier too”#*some may say that tragedies are the category that negate this idea and it’s true I haven't made a study of tragedies and what their#appeal is because they don’t often appeal to me but I’m sure there’s a reason#If only because light shines brighter in the darkness#So to circle back to my first point yes some stories need to not shy away from darkness but if it ends there you have to consider what#The point of it all is and whether it glorifies God. so it’s not as simple as no tragedies but I think you have to at least imply the#Better Truths#Anyway now I’m just rambling and people who like tragedies should come educate me on why#But the idea of telling the truth and then telling a better truth has been percolating for at least a month now and so I must now test#the brew so to speak
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is it weird that im so delusional about jeffdave, i got to see more clips yesterday and i genuinely believe there's something because fuck. you don't talk like that with just some friends., that's not normal friend behavior. their blatant almost direct flirting, they are doing this in our faces they know what they're doing.
dave joking about jeff spitting in his cock, jeff watching the stream on his idiot tv and like waiting for dave, their jokes all of their twitter interactions, how comfortable they feel with each other and the way they laugh when the other is around I hope im not developing any type of mental illness or some sort of conspiracy-obssesion because i cannot be making this up...... they're queerbaiting me god
i wish im not getting brain damage do you know how much this means to me i might take a hostage and blow up a building just to know if something REAL is there but tbh deep down i really know it..... jesus was killed for saying the truth
maybe they are aware of their relationship. maybe in a weird and not-so-aware way, like their bond is so close it has developed in something only both lf them can understand, they haven't even set they're dating and maybe that won't change, it's not your traditional couple, it's weird and it'd take a long time to understand it, and maybe,, they don't want people to understand......
#maybe something happened and they still treat each other like so weird boyfriends heheh i might be right#please ignore this insane rambling about jeffdave yaoi by a fujoshi-since-10#oh god oh someone heal my broken rpf heart i have been slightly recovering since septiplier and unus annus#oneygays#ugh i seriously need a 5-page long psychological analysis i can't take it anymore#jeffdave#why did i have to get the rpf autism why couldn't I get something like good at math autism or that
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big fan of pretty light
#messing around reshade#hex lens flare shader has my heart#i updated my mods and cleaned up some cc#but i still need to figure out why my counter ui is broken#but we're gonna keep tweaking this preset#and maybe see how it does with relight
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It's been rolling around in my brain the last few days for some reason, but I still hate the family backstory reveals for Sophie and Eliot. I've seen some of the meta for it, but quite frankly, it still makes no sense. If it had been something actually thought of and intentional in the original, I think it could have been so fascinating. I mean, Sophie's willing abandonment of Astrid to contrast with Nate's loss of Sam or Eliot's adoption in contrast with Hardison's and Parker's? Could have been excellent! But they came out of nowhere in Redemption and don't work with these characters.
Sophie was still actively using the fucking alias that she met Astrid under! She met with someone from her past on the show! Like. Quite frankly, that one is unequivocally bullshit that they made up and threw in and pretended could fit with the established canon. (And I'm sorry, but the idea of Sophie abandoning Astrid and never telling Nate about her just... So much of Nate's trauma was rooted in the loss of Sam, and I think that introducing this element after he's gone and unable to respond to it taints Sophie and Nate's relationship in a way bc I'm not exactly sure how Nate would've responded to learning about this but I think that it's something he'd have needed to know. I don't know how to fully express my thoughts on that but yeah.)
As for Eliot, I don't like the adoption aspect literally at all. The way that he would interact with his family and the memory of his family would be different, and I think that it's flat out ridiculous to think that he'd have never mentioned it to the team in the original show, especially when dealing with the kid cases. (I also dislike the biracial adoption as its own element because if Eliot was actually raised by Black parents in the... idk what 80s/90s? That just. doesn't feel congruent with how they write Eliot interacting with PoC, not necessarily in a bad way, but babe, he's written like a white southern man raised in a specific kind of culture that does not jell with that. It also makes Eliot look... really bad that he was apparently raised with the knowledge of how fucked up the military was and his parents' history and made the choices that he did.) Like the show may not have explicitly stated it but the implication of that relationship was vastly fucking different throughout the original show.
Just. These were not backstories that were congruent with their depiction and characters in the original show, and they're also just moves that I don't particularly like or find interesting directions for those characters. There's also something to be said about how it was apparently unacceptable for a woman to not have kids or someone not reconciling with their biological family when that was something that the original show handled a lot better. Out of all the directions to take Sophie and Eliot's stories, that's just not really one that I think was a good idea.
#i'm not sure if i worded this v well tbh which concerns me#bc like. like i said i dont like the adoption plot anyways but part of my problem with that storyline IS that billy is black#bc i don't think that the way eliot is written makes sense if he was raised by a black couple during that decade#bc the way that he would have engaged with his family and community and the world around him would've been different#especially bc he was raised in the fucking south in the 80s#bc i dont think eliot was ever racist in the original show but i dont think that he really knew#how it was different for poc in certain ways that dont make sense if he was raised by a black couple#like the previous implications of his childhood and specifically his father were v much in the stereotypical v pro military be a man cultur#that culture is also v rooted in toxic masculinity and whiteness#God i hope that makes sense bc i feel like that sounds v bad#but i'd love more black characters on the show and i think that for pretty much any other mc that'd have been fine#it's specifically eliot with the space that he occupies that i feel like it's a problem with his backstory#which also is why i dont like that he's adopted at all bc that's an influential part in how you first view your place and family and all th#that i dont think makes sense with eliot's character. like literally nothing about that reveal really feels like it makes sense with eliot#and to move over to sophie for a second i feel like bringing up the abandoned stepdaughter would have been pretty damn important#when sophie was struggling with the idea of who she really was beneath the aliases and the grift#and especially when she's in a relationship with nate who WAS a father like#and that she used the charlotte alias to meet with someone from her past but there wasnt anything about the fallout#which still makes no fricking sense either way#also insert something about sophie being an older woman without kids#(i know there's the ot3 but they're not actually in a position as her kids bc theyre still equals in a sense)#and needing to actually go no no she was a mom! and then bailed and did all this and blah blah but she's always been a mom in her heart <3#and adding in this relationship as if an older woman cant be satisfied or complete without kids#and i know that ppl might bring up parker but like lbr parker is positioned in a v different space narratively than sophie#ofc parker doesn't have kids she's positioned in a space as the Odd one the kinda broken one#her defying the expectations narratively doesnt necessarily work the same bc of her place#idk i kinda hope these dont end up in the main tags bc idk how ppl will respond nor how well i actually got across my points#but i do wanna tag them for my blog so#leverage#sophie devereaux
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Tag drop: Aventurine.
#aventurine. [ mr. cavalier gambler: uptight. overcautious. inferiority complex. you've won so much but you're still so afraid of losing. ]#aventurine: ic. [ they see only the straight flush. they don't know the other hand below the table clutching your chips for dear life. ]#aventurine: inquiries. [ time to make a move my friend. say goodbye before you shuffle off. it's… best to die without regrets. ]#aventurine: countenance. [ now go. and pick the clothes that you like. then choose your desired identity and use them well. ]#aventurine: introspection. [ “sleep is the rehearsal of death”? why does life slumber? because we are not ready for the final rest. ]#aventurine: meta. [ the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason. but you've never gone in any other direction. ]#aventurine: little notes. [ you will keep winning; having never lost before. but why you? why... must it be you? ]#aventurine: wishes. [ even if the chance of winning is close to zero. well... you can't win if you don't play; right? ]#aventurine: etc. [ the chance… no matter how small: the potential is what you hang onto. that is what justifies the gamble. ]#aventurine: ipc. [ … i'll give you that and much more than that. the ipc will give you whatever you want. even what you don't want. ]#aventurine: trio. [ three cornerstones who for a measly penacony... offered their everything. you're more united than the family. ]#aventurine: astral express. [ friends: the game has commenced and you cannot choose to decline… nor do you have grounds to. ]#aventurine: fate. [ if the dice of fate are always weighted then that is our destiny. why then... do we struggle against it? ]#aventurine: past. [ our paths will cross again beneath kakava's shimmering auroras. farewell: kakavasha. ]#aventurine: luck. [ he's only drunk on the moment that makes his very life quiver. hell is only one decision away from heaven. ]#aventurine: topaz. [ i never expected the beautiful and kind-hearted director topaz to resort to distorting concepts like that. ]#aventurine: topaz. [ but since i survived i realized: wherever you go that's where i'll follow; nobody's promised tomorrow. ] immobiliter.#aventurine: jade. [ it's often used as a counterfeit for jade. but it looks like jade… can be substituted for aventurine too. ]#aventurine: veritas ratio. [ unfortunately for him; i make for a more competent conversationalist than the other dimwits around here. ]#aventurine: black swan. [ nothing remains hidden from you… does it? i will find my place in the web of your schemes; memokeeper. ]#aventurine: sunday. [ is this what the harmony represents? is it built upon constraint and coercion? ]#aventurine: acheron. [ only by casting aside reason does one truly gamble. “emanator” — I know you'll match my wager. ]#aventurine: v. youth. [ but the sun could not kill me and the quicksand sent me back to the embrace of the guild and the ipc. ]#aventurine: v. penacony. [ i seem that way because i am nervous. maybe you can help. what do you say; put our palms together a last time? ]#aventurine: v. future. [ the once falling die has at last landed on its earthly rest. quietly… peacefully: it at last landed. ]#tag drop#[ ... i wanted to add in a tag for robin. but i think that may have to come personalized. ]#[ /rubs hands together. lets see if any of these are broken. ]#aventurine: robin. [ so she sings; but does she dance? ] avaere.#[ okay i changed my mind-- there's a robin tag. ]
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#quotes#sad thoughts#relatable quotes#alone with my thoughts#teen quotes#being alone#texts from last night#i have tears in my eyes#texts#sad post#real tears#3am thoughts#lost thoughts#drunk thoughts#i feel so drained#drunk texts#i am bothered#still not over it#not the same#im so weak#heart broken quotes#heart broken#damaged heart#why am i like this#never again#no longer you#loneliness#forever and always#left alone#left behind
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you'd think losing people would stop hurting as much after you've gone through it a bunch of times but I guess if humans can learn to love over and over with the same or even greater intensities it makes sense that the following pain of losing said people you give that love to is proportional each time too
#are you ever surprised at how much things affect you#because i genuinely cant wrap my head around why this hit me so hard. it doesnt make logical sense. ive been through so much worse#i should not gaf at this point. or at least only feel mildly sad for a brief while. not full on lose my fucking mind and literally not be#able to function for days on end#like i know life isnt over the world is still spinning i have a lot of love in my life#but it still hurts almost as badly as the first time i had my heart broken#i know that's a net good thing. i know that means im still human and havent completely numbed myself to the world#and my heart is bigger than it used to be#and its a good thing that i could love with enough intensity to feel the same amount of pain even in the aftermath#heck there are people i love so much more. so this is GOOD#but it doesnt make it any less painful in the present ijbol#anyway.#liveblogging.pdf
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#my broken mariko#マイ・ブロークン・マリコ#movie#flim#author why did they not get together??#they been loving each other since elementary#these two be saying heart fluttering words to each other and still not get together??#tomoyo x mariko
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Just finished ep 9 and I love it
Vyn in detention be like
Istg Vyncent is so funny. Like this guys idea to prove he has powers is to flash a knife. Yes, a fucking knife. And can we talk about his side quests??? They are just so ridiculous. Don't know if they were joking when they said that a pop up appears in his vision when he "acquire" a quest, but if not, it's a big ass hc for me
Charlie acting out Will stalking Dakota and Doug in the lickithy thigny straight up killed me--- him drawing a broken heart or a frowny face while just being drenched in water (that he could easily dodge) is just shdhcscosdnvoiwnijkdsco
Also, Dakota speech on "liars and what they get" gave me goosebumps. He knew that Doug was lying, but still give him a final threat just to be sure
#Dakota joining William in the water for an emotional support hug finished me off#On another note I really enjoy pd#I hold it in my heart with so much love butttttttt I really miss riptide#like I still haven't finished it and kinda want to continue it but I dont have time to listen to both campaign#why must I make difficult choice in my life#why suffer to chose between two#*draws a broken heart in a window*#jrwi#jrwi pd#jrwp prime defenders#will talks endlessly
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No matter how many times I rewatch Only Friends, I still don't understand how the writers did Boston so wrong x) Like, he has a shitty attitude and full of selfishness but he is nowhere near as hypocritical as other characters and honestly he talked shit a lot but only actually did like one awful thing, meanwhile the rest of the friend gang had a bag of their own flaws too and also plenty of awful and illegal actions, only some even claimed to be morally superior. And the show made sure to punch the first type of character into the dirt with no apologies while praising and giving happy ending to others.
But when you watch reactions of other people to the show, it really makes you wonder whether they simply followed the opinion the show wanted to give the viewers or did they not question the narration at all?xD
HOW.
#me still being flabbergasted as to why people squeal about mew after the show when my opinion on him turned 180#but also i had questions about april too so i guess my mindset is just more rational overall#i still think blackmailing to ruin parents career and spreading sa rumors is worse#then one night stand with someone who isn't boyfriend to your friend yet#Ruining someone's (and parents possibly) life and illegal filming VS getting your heart broken once#no brainer for me tbh#only friends the series#ofts#thai bl#bl series#also okay i can argue with shiw giving happy ending to topmew#because they clearly won't stay happy in future#but well technically show gave them a HE and stopped thete
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guess who has some days off work coming up and has come down with another illness just before it 😤
#jo's thoughts#I swear my body does this on purpose#and I blame it’s petty ass on loving me being stressed#it’s the only reason I can understand why I had panic attacks this week when there was nothing to panic about#the week before - when there was reason - fine / coping well#last week - broken / a mess / crisis encaged in a body#if any of you read the tags youre going to be so confused#but here we are#i heart you if youre still reading this#omg stop reading - but ily
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my hot take about descendants is that NONE of the core four were ready for a relationship until maybe like, the third movie (rant in tags)
#they were still adjusting to living life without struggling to survive#a girl should not be jumping into a relationship the same week she just tried her first piece of non-rotten food lol#thats not to say I don't like the canon ships#but mal married literally the FIRST man she met in auradon. at 18.#and even as far as in descendants 2 we see them still struggling to adjust in different ways (mainly mal)#in d3 they seem to have fully assimilated into life in Auradon (as much as a VK can anyway)#so it makes sense for them to THEN seek out relationships if that's what they want.#but disney ofc wanted to act like romantic love just automatically fixes a person's problems ig?? as if a relationship wouldn't just be#added stress given the position the VKs were in in d1#not to mention dating just like. wasnt a thing on the isle (mal even says this)#and I get that the kids are craving to be loved because their parents didn't gaf about them. But I wish the first movie focused more on the#finding that love in each other than romantically with outside people. a sort of “they had love in them all along” moment.#and then this fandom loves to argue about whether Jarlos/Janelos was 'rushed'. at least Carlos (and Jay +lonnie) waited a few months before#throwing themselves into the dating scene. Poor evie had her heart broken within like 3 days of being in Auradon. no wonder she was willing#to help steal the wand lol.#Anyway to wrap up this rant I didn't even mean to go on#I just think that kids who have spent the first 14-16 years of their lives fighting to survive and being put through continuous trauma on a#daily basis don't need dating right away. they need THERAPY.#if anyone here has seen stranger things its kinda an El and Mike situation were its like. the girl grew up in a lab and fell for the first#boy in regular society who was kinda nice to her lol. thats how I view Mal and Ben#same with doug and evie. he was nicer than chad but he still fell for her for her looks and she still fell for him because he was the first#guy in auradon to be genuinely interested in her. also evie had a whole “I dont need a prince” arc and ended up with a man anyway?#my problem with janelos was always that Carlos never quite worked out his mommy issues or his anxiety. I feel like he'd be afraid of hurtin#her even though that boy wouldn't hurt a fly. and we see Jane get pretty stressed out herself- have you ever been in a relationship where#both of you have anxiety? cause it either goes really well (you help keep each other calm) or REALLY terribly (you make each other spiral)#I actually really liked Lonnie and Jay (though I feel like it would've had a bigger payoff if she was in d3. not sure why she wasn't but I#wont dunk on that because it couldve been smth to do with her actress). I think Lonnie is someone who can 'handle' Jay well and match his#energy. And I like the idea of Jay finding someone he's loyal to after being commitment-phobic for 1 1/2 movies and the whole first book lo#and ofc I have to throw this in here: any auradon kid the VKs get with is never going to grasp even half of what they went through.#this doesnt mean they can't try to understand and be empathetic. but it will always cast a shadow on VK/AK relationships.
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i always said that once i stop caring what other people think about me it’s over for you bitches and it’s finally happened i’m literally untouchable
#everyone else my age like oh i’m getting married ! oh i had a baby ! me i’m becoming evil#i decided months ago that i’m done i live in the worst place in the country or on earth even and these asshole people are not getting any#more out of me. i don’t smile at anyone anymore. i don’t make eye contact. i’m done with this place and these rude ass people#so today i was at the gas station and pulled up behind someone and got out and the pump didn’t work so i got back in#and waited for the girl in front of me to be done bc everywhere else had a line anyway#so when she finally leaves the asshole in the jeep behind me is yelling at me through his window and literally about to rear end me#and i’m trying to tell him that one doesn’t work so he’s still yelling at me through the window and i keep mouthing IT DOES NOT WORK#bc he simply is not getting and finally he sticks his piece of shit head out the window and LISTENS to me and i said it DOESNT WORK.#it’s BROKEN.#and i realize he thought i was just waiting to be at the first pump and holding up the line but i don’t fucking care#so then he goes. oh. and he gets out and i said you can try it but it says it’s broken.#monotone bc i’m not trying to be nice#and he’s like oh ok. then i take back everything i said about you in the car LOL#and i said. ok.#and he said nah i wasnt saying anything about you#and i said nothing#then he’s a fuck face so he’s all embarrassed and acting like we’re buddies now#so he’s like huuuh. usually there’s an attendant walking around.. and i say i havent seen anyone. not looking at him#and he goes huuuh usually they put a sign or something out that it’s broken and i said nothing so like#the slimy piece of shit he is he silently gets back in his car and waits and then i leave and i’m like#in this circumstance 100% normally my heart would have been pounding out my chest bc i’m afraid of confrontation and who isnt afraid of#men yelling at them but this time i felt nothing except anger bc why the fuck are you trying to start something with me in the fucking gas#station go to another fucking line if you’re in that big of a rush and also learn how to fucking read when it says pump out of order#before you try to fucking rear end me which go for it btw bc i have dash cams and anyway#i’m so fucking sick of living here and i’ll never get out#but. i’m proud of myself for not being afraid or scared and just dealing with that piece of shit straightforward
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