#why does my brain make these connections
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voodoo by Godsmack is such bellatrix vibes to me idk
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Honestly I think the saddest thing about the Nightbringer timeline to me is just how alone Diavolo is. Tbh, the only person he really has at this point is Barbatos (and I would never devalue their relationship. It’s my favorite in the franchise. An elderich monstrosity swearing undying loyalty and being a friend and parental figure to an abused and othered child will ALWAYS get me)
even Mephisto, there’s a distance there because of their upbringing and the current political situation in the Devildom.
Yes, Diavolo says he helped the brothers for selfish reasons… and that’s true to an extent! But the fact that people who think he’s taking advantage of them for the sake of using them for the Devildom have been vehemently proven wrong. He’s literally just lonely, and is in fact going against the grain of how the nobility wants him to treat them as much as he can.
Is it healthy to keep people in his life by having them swear loyalty to him? No. But imo, it I do think it is a purposeful parallel to how controlling of his brothers Lucifer is. They are both pride demons with similar daddy issues, after all. Diavolo just didn't have a family surrounding him to look after
Except he’s on the outside of that. He doesn't want to be, but he is. At least in the current timeline we had those arcs where Diavolo was able to form more genuine connections to the brothers. I loved that!! But now in the Nightbringer timeline… he’s having to deal with so much and at the same time has none of those connections to the brothers any more.
Idk. It just makes me a hundred times more sad than anything else. Sorry not sorry.
Especially since Solmare refuses to let Diavolo romancers prioritize and care about him in any way.
#does this make sense? i honestly cannot write this kind of post my brain is too mushy to get my thoughts out properly lmao#i keep wanting to get this point across about diavolo but i feel like i'm not that best at it sowwy#this is why i dont write meta#obey me diavolo#obey me nightbringer#obey me#obey me shall we date#long post /#diavolo#thinking about the parallels of diavolo and barbatos being so alone and how they both said that the connections they made#re. the brothers for diavolo and diavolo for barbatos were all for selfish reasons... & shaking them up in the glass jar where they belong!#also anything they do wrong is objectively cute silly and funny on account of their pretty privilege
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Anyone out there got a solution for when you're feeling really stuck with your art and everyone and their mother tells you the solution is to do studies and figure drawings and other such things but even just thinking about doing those things makes you Spiral and want to Kill Yourself?
#monster noises#it's 1am no one will see this it's fine#it's a genuine problem though i Wish i could be aotherfucker who found it engaging and satisfying to do figure drawing#but i both A) had some bad experiences with this type of learning in highschool that i guess kinda make them triggering for me i guess?#and B) my brain doesn't seem to be able to like.. Learn Things.... That Way.... or at least not Obviously#i mean obviously i've improved as an artist over time in general#and i won't lie and say i've Never done figure drawing or studies or anything#but i never leave those situations feeling like i've Learned anything#mostly i've just sat for several hours growing increasinglyore frustrated#at my limitations and inability to achieve what i feel should come to me intuatively#and even if i Did feel like i've learned something i can seemingly never turn around and then apply it to something else#my brain does not make those lateral connections#it's why i can't do word problems in math.#and plus i also find stuff like figure drawing especially Rarely helps me make progress on the parts of my work i Actually want to improve#fluidity/mobility/stylization and surrealism#and only reinforces practices i want to pull away from#realism/'correctness'#all this combined leaves me just kinda stuck because i really can't power through my fear of these practicing methods#because i also don't find them useful#but i have no alternatives because it's like.. the only thing anyone suggests because theoretically is Does Work#but just not when you're Specifically Busted like I'm Busted#and so I just continue to stagnate until idk.. i find something else that can abruptly and suddenly launch me forward again?.#augh.. being an artist is The Most Enjoyable (_=<=)_
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🧸♡ ⋆｡˚
#it actually does make such a huge difference omg im like ... feels like i got thrown into the floor lost my breath#having someone i like so much to talk to abt things#and share stuff and details abt not only my days but their days too#and talking abt like books that we read or shows/movies we saw and etc etc#sending pics. sending voice messages. all of that#that was so amazing wth???#it sounds like such a mundane thing but it changed my enire baseline. it wasnt a littel thing to me#i didnt share as much as i wanted to because it takes me longer to settle into smth like this#or any kind of connection/correspondence/bond/rapport#im slow bc im so scared of ppl. scared of trusting. scared of opening up. rejection rejection all of that#yeah.. takes me a lot longer than the average person to settle into smth like this#avpd is its own special hell...#i miss it a lot and i wish there hadnt been all the other circumstances so i could've actually relaxed into it#and come out of my shell completely. which i was almost there. now that mental block is gone but it's too late....#i take too long... it is impossible to be patient with me. i really hate everything abt my brain#my desire overtook my fear and it was quicker than it ever has but not enough.. :(#i miss it sm and it made me feel so so much lust for life..#but it's gone now and i can really feel the loss of it#i wouldve done anything i could to save it. or nurture it. or whatever. but it was a sacred treasure to /me/.#it doesnt matter if i try to put out the flames in a burning house if the house is gone and there are actually only the flames left#and since to me it is so special. and like. the fact that this even happened is crazy to me stuff like this feelings and connection never#happen to me. it's like.. special to talk to someone u like & have an established rapport with on a regular basis#and tell them stuff and rant abt like a book or whatever. ask them details abt their life bc u know them and enjoy knowing them#i cant just transfer all of this to someone else. i dont feel like yapping abt the book im reading into the void or someone i barely know#i just dont know... i need that sm and it was so amazing w someone i like sm. & it makes me sad i takes me too long to get fully comfortable#bc of this time were it was the most intense and long lasting for me but also im in love lmao. but other times too...#i take too long and why would someone wanna wait like actually a year (which is how long it often takes me to pass a certain barrier)#im not special. im nothing that great. it is easy to find someone else who is x1000 better than me and wont take an eternity to warm up#i just feel so sad bc i try so hard and then all of my effort just goes down the drain and then i have to do it again if i meet someone#then they'll leave me behind too and get tired of me and not like what they see and then im back at square 1 again
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^me when i am a sensitive person
#ramblings#i hate feeling lonely#it literally hurts my heart#i have such a hard time forming connections both irl and online#idk how many times ive cried just this past month bc i felt lonely#and even when i am included in things im always an after thought#its been months but im still thinking about stupid christmas#i know the whole point isn't to get gifts#but i got one present. while i spent hundreds of dollars getting my family gifts#they even asked me what i wanted too#helped my cousin decorate for her christmas party and last minute i found out it was a secret santa#i got invited but was the only one not included in that#so yeah....#i dont have anyone to celebrate holidays with#my birthday was sad#i cried then too#not looking forward to tomorrow either#and i try to make friends and talk to people#but i feel as though i always initiate#and nobody seems interested in talking to me#which... i dont expect everyone to like me#but it really does hurt and it makes wonder what's wrong with me#also why cant my brain focus on something else#like doing something productive#its been ages since ive drawn anything#ive just been sad. that's the whole post.#bye now
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Another important thing though...
#is just like how takumi is already loved and cherished and has his own things going on#so much so that he's never excluded or 'chosen over'. when it comes to moe/alfonse/the dynamics there#and VERY MUCH . the same way takumi makes the choice/has the opinion himself 'yeah you guys are insane. LMFAO'#mani is never unwanted.#WELL. huge fucking disclaimers and citations needed BUT. BUT. the biggest thing IS#how eventually alfonse does come to love and care for mani. just in a different way he does w moe#and the takumi comparison is directly in reference to me deciding. it's not that deep actually#takumi again has plenty of connections and his own problems AND. his own feelings about things.#mani is somewhat similar. in the same way i'm using my authority to give it the agency#of. mani doesn't want alfonse to love it the way alfonse loves moe. moe doesn't want alfonse to love mani the way he loves moe.#alfonse understands this. respects this. and his feelings are mutual. he does fundementally have different feelings about them.#anyways again mani is just. a study in SO many things.#also it's extremely fascinating to pick every character's brain here when you factor in lif#for the record i don't think lif even knows mani exists (in. the non-existent way it does.)#i think his moe died before then.#but i'm moreso talking about like. digging into The Character Studies. why moe feels the way it does about lif#why alfonse feels the way it does about mani. and why both alfonse and moe feel the way they do about each other Specifically.#and the core differences between lif and mani. which informs how moe and alfonse feels abt them respectively#THERE'S JUST... A LOT..... GOING ON HERE........#mani tag
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♪♪♪!!!!!
OK U SENT ME 3 SO U GET 3 DIFFERENT ONES FOR FUNSIES
Animal - Magnolia Park
"Swear to God, I'm God, a reincarnate of a fuckin' demon"
Morior Invictus - Belly of the Steel Beast
"Witness me, friend,
I am awaiting
On thundrous hooves, I charge into
The valley of death"
ok the next song was Heartache from Undertale which doesnt have lyrics. and the one after that was I Am Not A Moron from portal 2. so. skipping those but u get the vibe
Secular Haze - Tub Ring
"Weave us a mist,
Fog Weaver
Hide us in shadows
Unfathomable wall-less maze,
A secular haze"
#love that morior invictus is here bc its actually from that podcast red valley#which???? im pretty sure you recommended to me hdgdjsb!!!!! fucking love that song#its so. gillion tidestrider. to me. not necessarily the lyrics but i think he would listen to music like that#I CANT TELL YOU WHY YET BUT SECULAR HAZE IS SUCH A WIWI SONG TO ME. DONT THINK TOO HARD ABOUT IT . YOULL UNDERSTAND EVENTUALLY#its one of those things that will not make snese anyway until the thing happens.#because my brain works the way it does and makes insane connections that dont make sense to anyone else but me 90% of the yime#just know. wiwi song.#asks#friends!!!#intertexts#lyric game
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(source)
I think about this interview question Ethel Cain answered way too much. And it only makes me think about Vessel and his lyrical patterns.
"I wanted to open myself up and pull someone into me and devour them. I had to put people inside me to love them."
"I just love the romantic implications of the desperation of getting someone so close to you that you have to devour them."
"I have to want to eat you. If I don't want to eat you then it's not real love."
Am I insane, or could you imagine Vessel saying these things? He pretty much does with songs like The Offering ("But I know you've got a taste, so just take a bite of me."), Nazareth ("Dripping from the open mouth, I'll show you what you look like from the inside."), Missing Limbs ("I'd drink you in to temper your belief in all my promises, to swallow my desire and choke on it."), and obviously Vore ("So let's get swallowed whole. I want to go where nobody else will ever go"). There are something like 23 Sleep Token songs that allude to eating/consumption in some way, I think? But cut me some slack, it's 3 a.m., and I'm barely back from a weekend holiday.
Anyways, I guess the point of this is that Ethel and Vessel should get together sometime and chill (their characters, not the actual people… even though a Vessel/Ethel Cain collab would fucking slap, holy shit👀👀👀 Someone call Spinefarm and AWAL stat).
#ethel cain#ethel cain interview#preachers daughter#vessel sleep token#vessel#this is why we need sleep token interviews#otherwise my brain makes random connections like this#at ridiculous hours of the night at that#hey alexa how does one articulate thoughts#cw cannibalism#cw vore
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me saying, "but it won't be a vanilla fic... it'll be a snz fic," with the same inflection as, "you wouldn't be my family. you'd be my lady," from ga/me of thro/nes. 😌
#idk why my brain makes these connections but it does#snz humor#snzblr#me implying on my non-snz blog that I have inspiration for a fic... but little do they know it's one they'll never see
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you know if you guys voted for stretch armstrong i probably would have shut up a lot sooner tonight
#so really this is all your fault /lh /j#i love thinking about h2o tho so im happy#VERY FUCKING TIRED THO WISH I COULD SLEEP#i think my brain is kicking into overdrive after being filled with cotton the past 3 days which. hey im glad ur back bud#CAN YOU SHUT UP NOW I NEED REST#i was just thinking because im probably not posting that essay i will summarize here (i saw#that privating it made it lose like 4 recently edited paragraphs and i don't want to type all that out again my memory isn't good enough)#it just boiled down to the pods basically making a self fulfilling prophecy by orphaning their sons and making them increasingly#desperate for connections to other people like them which is why i think erik behaves the way he does esp when ondina is around#like i am not excusing his actions in the slightest dont get me wrong here he really fucked up BUT#his last conversation with ondina before he goes to the chamber kind of sold that idea to me#how he scoffs at her saying rita says it's dangerous because she's 'old school' and of COURSE old school mermaids think all mermen are evil#and then starts adding on how he wants to do this for HER and get her home back for her by controlling it#like a bit of an add-on at the end to try and convince her#i think what he really wants is to be hailed as a hero. you know. validation and acceptance from the ppl who originally abandoned him#the OGs who made him feel like an outsider. the ppl who ripped everything away from him just bc of the way he was born (which is prob why#when he's trying to convince zac to help him he keeps bringing up their ancestors bc that's what unifies them)#i don't think he's an evil dude per se i think he thought stealing the trident stone from rita's grotto would be small peanuts in the past#once he finally got the pod to come home bc he genuinely (mistakenly) believed he COULD control the power of the chamber#i also think that's why the camera keeps focusing on his face when he's watching the others panic over#zac's sacrifice and i think he is feeling jealousy bc they are paying attention to him and not Erik#like that's not the face of someone who deeply regrets what they just did. my guy is just sitting there like 'that should be me rn'#i think that is why he also sounds so desperate to make things right with ondina afterwards. iirc he's just like 'wait no we can start ove#RIGHT?' and she's like 'uhhhh... no??????' (valid). my dude is lonely as fuck and he finally found a group of ppl like him and he messed up#big time just trying to get their attention and affection bc he couldn't just be normal abt it he had to go big or go home#like i kind of feel bad for him in a way#but i feel bad for everyone#i felt bad for denman the other day! that's how bad this is getting!!#i mean come on imagine making the scientific discovery of a LIFETIME only for all that shit to happen in a row#especially after you get your comeback. they just go right back to fucking you over again
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Kaeya is rather touch averse, cringing away from casual contact people give him under the guise of being distracted or idle movement. He's used to it, the Ragnvindrs and Adenlinde got him used to frequent affectionate physical contact, but it can still be entirely Uncomfortable if he's touched by someone outside those he is close to or someone he's otherwise Allowed to touch him.
#hc; kaeya#//Mentioned before; but am Elaborating on other aspects since Aven get brain juices flowing for this#//Unlike Aven; he's FAR more tolerable of people who touch him unprompted. & more willing to indulge for himself outside his comfort people#//Unless he himself had actively given the indication he doesn't want it; in that case THEN he's likely to anger & retaliate#//But yeah; his response is usually Discomfort & trying to get away from it one way or another. Can tolerate it to appear friendly; sure#//But would rather not want people to touch him so easily. Is decently okay with brief touches tho; like shoulder pats or the like#//Will actively lean into it & encourage further touching ONLY as a means to an end; adjusting any wandering hands only when going too far#//Esp if he can use that like a carrot on a string–if they concede to what he wants; they can touch him more. Maybe MORE than just that too#//He won't initiate any touch unless he deems it Absolutely Necessary; WILL internally scream if they Immediately reciprocate the contact#//Uses it as a 'reward' sometimes; a little pinch of the cheek; a hug; getting right into their space; if he sees they'll react favorably#//Maybe more if they have connection enough; like Huffman or one of his longer-running liaisons. Is p ok w/ sleeping w/ them as reward#//Sometimes he forgets some people don't like that he does this; like Rosie. Tries the tactic to get a favor then Remembers#//Absolutely apologizes; feels mortified when she scrutinizes him for it. Esp since she'd be one of few ppl who KNOWS just how Averse he is#to it in the first place. Him slipping up like that in front of HER is smth he'd STRESS over. She could hold over his head for all he knows#//How can he even joke abt it? Worse if she asks abt his way of doing things or indicate she doesnt Like that he uses himself as bait#//Has absolutely accidentally tried to seduce/bait sb like that who he absolutely should Not have. Like Jean. Ended up playing it off like#a joke between friends; but damn near had a panic attack from the guilt the moment he was safely in his office. bc Jean is SPECIAL to him#could he treat her like THAT? How could he almost let her SEE that side of him? His casual charm and facade are ONE thing#//But him actively doing something like THAT; esp for Jean of all people; is COMPLETELY off-limits; no matter his feelings#//Actually; especially BC he harbors feelings for her. Ppl like Lisa on the other hand; he is VERY comfortable doing this with/to#//She GETS the flirty habit & dishes it back without losing image of him in the way someone he regards at Jean's level possibly could#//And as far as Lisa knows; it's Only a playful habit; not a means to an end. The ones who prolly Know might be certain folks in the church#//But that's just bc he gets frequent checkups after every lil Rendezvous of his. Which is why he's got dirt on Every Single Person There#//Except Barbara; but he absolutely makes SURE she's not the one he's dealing with whenever he goes. Wants to spare her his messes#//Damn; veered a little but it's alright. 'A little'; HA. Nah; my tags are but the cluttered corkboard of my thoughts jhdbfjdf#//Diluc; Addie & Jean are the people he most Fears finding out abt his methods. Doesnt wanna THINK abt how they'd feel/regard him after tha#//Knows for SURE it'd be painful if the way they treat him changes even a SLIGHT. ESP Addie; he can bear the other two; but Addie???#//Nah; he'd be fucken DEVASTATED. That's the ONE person he knows hold true unwavering unconditional love for him; no matter what#//To do anything to damage that? He'd be so fucken GUTTED. He expects everyone to get fed up with/disdain him at some point. But not HER#//Keeps this shit on the down low by always having dirt on the people he gets Involved with; if not using keeping it up as an incentive
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being trans means you get dysphoria from the wildest of places
whats been plaguing me lately?
my presence on this site, which is mostly inhabited by women and nonbinary people
my presence on ao3, when we KNOW most fanfic authors are queer women
#WHY DOES THIS BOTHER ME#my brain always tries to find new ways to make me feel like im not man enough ahhhhh#it doesnt help that im in a career field that is largely dominated by women and i get those feelings irl all the time#hey toxic masculinity sucksss#other men in fandom spaces pls connect#trans#tian talks
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the fact that having trouble sleeping causes sleep avoidance for me is so stupid fhsdgjkl
"oh no i'm having especially vivid nightmares and waking up every hour or two and im so exhausted i can barely get thru the day without having a breakdown. hm i think the solution to this is to become afraid of and avoidant of sleep :)"
#YOU FOOL !!! YOU ABSOLUTE DILLWEED !!!#on that same note the sleep deprivation hallucinations are stupid too#''oh u havent been sleeping well? okay well lets just make u see scary things like spiders and weird dripping from surfaces etc''#WHY WOULD THAT BE A THING THAT HAPPENS !!! its so goofy 😭😭#the brain truly does work against me in many creative ways. i cannot help but be awed by how determined it seems to make things worse#perhaps i should be kinder to myself and let myself take it easy during the day but. i have things i want to get done !!#both in terms of cleaning and also like. social connection stuff. unfortunately the cleaning has been taking precedence#cleaning and food are whats been the priority and everything else falls to the wayside but im so frustrated w myself for that dsjkfl#scuttling around just trying to get shit done while i dread sleep and then occasionally making silly posts#but then never interacting w anyone else properly and wanting desperately to do so. rrhghghgh#i just hope my sleep somehow fixes itself soon dsgjkl#pippen needs 2nd breakfast
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🍂
#what am i doing wrong what am i doing wrong WHAT AM I DOING WRONG#why is it always wrong why can't i be stable why can't i just hold my shit together#why can't i know exactly what to do what to say why does it always have to be SHIT why do i make things WORSE#i feel so fucking hopeless im trying so hard all the time and it's not enough i feel like I'm always playing catch-up with my own life#my brain my body my psyche my money my relationships my marriage#it's all fucking crumbling why do i feel like everything around me is running away in different directions#i feel like I'm being torn apart i feel like I'm being ripped at the joints like some satirical cartoon of medieval torture#everything is falling apart around me and there's TIME LIMITS there's THINGS TO HANDLE and there's THE FUCKING DISHES#im so tired im so tired im so tired why am i so deeply miserable i want to take a flight anywhere i wanna LEAVE i wanna restart from 5y ago#i want a do-over because this is miserable i fucking hate it i hate my life rn#i haven't drawn a single line in DAYS im SO fucking miserable the thought of picking up a stylus makes me wanna throw up#i hate this fucking tattoo because I'll feel awful if i cut again#and i hate the connections and bonds bc I'll feel awful if i try to end it all bc i don't wanna put extra strain on my loved ones#i hate this#i hate myself i hate my life i hate my job i hate my brain i want do-overs please i just wanna have made better decisions#5 years or 2 years ago or just#a few months#i just wanna go a few months back#i just wanna try again#i don't wanna be stuck with a life that i got out of being reckless and stupid and idiotic and not planning better#i fucking hate this world and society im sick of it im sick#i wanna disappear into a vacuum until things get better#i wanna walk home one day 6 months from now and have a peaceful happy homemade dinner and see my cats sleeping together#and watch a fun show and then go out for a comforting coffee#i want so fucking little from life and i still don't get that#vent#to delete#do NOT message me abt this i just need to vent SOMEWHERE bc#i havent healed that other stupid fucking part of my brain that gets mad at people showing me compassion and worry#for some fucking reason
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The funny thing about owning a cat with severe anxiety and (suspected) brain damage is sometimes things that were ok yesterday are now far far far too scary today.
Case in point, yesterday the wet food dish was bringer of Food and Yum, today it's so so so so scary too scary can't go near it please feed me with a different bowl or I'll cry and cry and cry.
#honestly?#relatable#she (and the other two cats) are from an abuse situation and considering when they picked her up#her teeth were kinda jacked up and shes scared shitless of quick or sudden movement#im pretty sure she musta got kicked in the head or something#like when u look in her eyes u can tell that point A and point B aren't connecting#and she does some weird behavior stuff which is why i think brain damage#but she is loved and well cared for here#it's ok that she'll never be a lap cat and that if u try to pet her more than a few times she starts crying#she's safe here and ill meet here where she is#honestly when we adopted her we thought well we're never gonna see that cat#figured she'd find a little hidey hole and only ever come out for food and bathroom breaks#but nah she'll sit on the back of the couch#and if she thinks my mom's asleep she'll climb on top of her and make just thee most intense biscuits of all time#so i think she's happy here#even if sometimes her fear wins out
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made this visual of all the times williams theme popped up in this scene because im mad that i still cant figure out why it’s in there
#I keep looking at it expecting that if i just look long enough i'll see something 😑#but yeah still. no idea#it's absolutely impossible that they did this accidentally (like. lol. come on) but WHAT#I UNDERSTAND why dolores' theme showed up during the william sequence in 2x04. that one made sense like it seemed obvious#but why this scene for this?? why here??? what could this possibly have to do with him or her relationship with him or anything#does emmett have some sort of significance here that i didn't catch??#also before anyone comes in my notes telling me im overthinking this. no im not. this show's score is used very intentionally#i've mentioned that this is a variation on william's theme that first showed up in vanishing point so i thought maybe it had to do with that#but there's just nothing linking these two things in my brain lol. how would christina finding out about the closed system relate to william#I had this theory a while back based on a couple of small hints that potentially christina might be an amalgam of dolores and william#which would make this make a little bit more sense... but that's not the direction they seem to have gone since she just is dolores#the only thing that's coming to mind is that the ''walled garden'' is related to william somehow. which i guess wouldn't... not make sense..#the phrase ''walled garden'' was initially brought up as a way of explaining how the hosts have perfect memories that preserve everything#and obviously a major plot point in season one was dolores' perfect recall of william because she relived all her memories of him#and i have posited that a major part of season 5 is going to be william kind of being. reconstructed. into something closer to his old self#but that still feels like suuuuch a reach lol. like the dots still aren't quite connecting#My best guess is just that this is some sort of very very subtle foreshadowing that is meant to pay off in season 5#BUT WE MIGHT NEVER GET. A SEASON FIVE.#JUST EXPLAIN PLEASE JONAH AND LISA#grr!! it's gonna bother me until i know >:(#westworld
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