#because my brain works the way it does and makes insane connections that dont make sense to anyone else but me 90% of the yime

[stuck-in-the-ghost-zone]

♪♪♪!!!!!

OK U SENT ME 3 SO U GET 3 DIFFERENT ONES FOR FUNSIES

Animal - Magnolia Park

"Swear to God, I'm God, a reincarnate of a fuckin' demon"

Morior Invictus - Belly of the Steel Beast

"Witness me, friend,

I am awaiting

On thundrous hooves, I charge into

The valley of death"

ok the next song was Heartache from Undertale which doesnt have lyrics. and the one after that was I Am Not A Moron from portal 2. so. skipping those but u get the vibe

Secular Haze - Tub Ring

"Weave us a mist,

Fog Weaver

Hide us in shadows

Unfathomable wall-less maze,

A secular haze"

[wibble-wobbegong]

i need to meet another schizo and see if our neurodivergency clicks the way the other ones click with each other . im Failing at being nd bro

[tinukis]

(OKAY. I KINDA GOT CARRIED AWAY (i got REALLY carried away.) AND NOW I WILL PROVIDE VERY FEW INFO ON SABOSAN HISTORY AS EARLY AS 2014.)

sabosan existing on here since at least 2017 is crazy

(it's ask blogs and im lazy to know the lore but all ik is that sabo and sanji have kids while sanji is in extreme denial abt being gay)

i wanna know how far back sabosan goes... like at leasT 2015 or 2016??? (anime timeline) and maybe 2014 (manga timeline) idk im just guessing bc i dont know what year sabo returned so

OK BUT THE SLIM CHANCE THAT SABOSAN BECAME A THING LIKE ALMOST A DECADE AGO DRIVES ME INSANE I NEED TO INVESTIGATE WAIT

on pixiv in the sabosan tag (サボサン) the oldest works on there is from 2015. (i mean when u look up サボサン you get this cactus mascot which is p hilarious)

i theorize that sabosan became recognized because of zou/wci. bc thats when we learn about sanji's history. i notice that it seem to be more recognized by a few fans as early as 2016 (when wci started)

so those big brained individuals were onto something then. they saw two blonde characters that shared similar histories and went. "wait a minute. i can cook something with this"

and you know what sanji's good at? taking any ingredients and making something amazing out of it. thats what early sabosan fans did

there are Very Little content of them/i cant read japanese and i just mostly find the cactus mascot, but they were there. at Least as early as sabo's return. and at that time, fans did not receive sanji's past. they just took these guys like barbie dolls and made them kiss... anyway i need them to meet and i want to see the longtime fans react as theyve waited nearly a decade for that very moment

(kinda doubtful but let me dream!!!)

OKAY ANOTHER UPDATE (YES IM TYPING EVERYTHING IN ONE POST) i learned how to search dates on the bird app once more and. im seeing posts from jpn about sabosan !!!

one of my favorite ones:

the people understanding since 2016... that sanji goes well with ASL brothers :'D

ok found another tweet (and the users are still active !!) and translation seems butchered so im not gonna share but from what i could understand, this other user also likes sanji with ASL... this is amazing. LIKE im aware of the impact acesan had, especially bc of the anime including ace in alabasta (i understand deeply. i mean have you SEEN the way ace acted around sanji⁉️⁉️ lighting his cigarette... smirking at him when sanji turns his back... i know what you are. they Definitely spent an entire night (or more) alone together <3) but for sabo to be included to since this long ago, esp considering the two never met?!?? and the one connection is being royal blood...

again i cannot include everything, esp long posts bc the translation gets butchered but aaahh just ppl talk about the pairing, any potentials about it makes me happy... and gives me hope for the agenda to spread wider lol. what looks like that has been said is that a couple of people really like pairing sanji with multiple characters, esp ASL... and i understand so well. theres just something about sanji being so shippable

there are also fans speaking to other sanji ships fans, and they ask/say "i want to see your sabosan !!" it's great...

ahahhaa AHAHAHA FOUND ANOTHER POST I CAN SHARE:

sabo POP figure from 2016 (aaah i want it so bad...)

and the suit he wears in this figure, it does look like sanji's fit now that the user mentioned it 👀👀

okay i dug a little more and found another sabosan fan! at first i was unsure as they could be talking about another user or a cactus or something. but as it turns out, they are indeed a sabosan fan! they've said things like "i wish sabosan was more popular"/"i wish for sabosan" and this is dated back in 2016! plus one of my favorite posts (translated into deepL as i had a feeling that twt had butchered the translation and...)

they get it. they got it. as i mentioned earlier, the fans definitely knew what was up when wci happened. THEY WERE COOKING BACK IN 2016!!! which... i believe i should now start digging as early as i can. maybe for zou or dressrosa years!! bc certainly, this pairing was actually talked about during 2016-2017. it was wonderful to see!

oh my goodness... i decided to look from start of 2015 to the end, and so far in late 2015, the same user from the above translation, has been talking about them still! they mentioned sabosan fanworks, and how they read a heartbreaking fic⁉️⁉️ i cant tell you how happy i was to read that. sabosan being a thing and having angst works, even if i can't read them. (never mess with one piece fans, especially if they are fujoshi !! they'll find their ways. im honestly fascinated. i love fandom history if you couldnt tell by this post!)

plus, some fans calling themselves delusional for thinking of this pairing... if only i could be there with you, longtime fan.

and i'll be real here, i dont know of the popularities back then but the comparison of sanji and sabo being nobles are great :] (maybe bc i've just seen ppl being mean to sabo recently 😔)

okay im sure this post is getting wayyy too long so i'll try to wrap up my investigations. bc there are many posts to look through but sabosan being talked about as early as 2015 (as i write this) is just... very joyous news to me ;w;

im sure i will be missing lots of good posts (despite the horrible machine translations) but i am shaking hands with 2015-2017 fans in solidarity... at most 9 years later

!!! GREAT NEWS. 2014 posting!!

original tweet and deepL translation... dated mid december 2014. nearly a whole decade ago. i swear sabosan will go viral, way more than when zou/wci was in progress. im sure of it

i really cant put into words how im feeling or what im really thinking. just know im happy to find fans from 2014 !!

OH MY GOD.

⁉️⁉️⁉️ AUGUST 2014 BTW. and im assuming its supposed to be "sabo started with" or something but... the content. sabosan content. 2014. it's out there. SHAKES YOU. THE CRUMBS (also this user is a sabosan fan and i think acesan fan too as i did see mentjons of them... so this just...)

THEYVE BEEN HERE FOR A LONG TIME AAAAAHHHH 😭😭😭😭😭

NOW IM CURIOUS WITH HOW MANY POSTS IVE BEEN MISSING⁉️⁉️ yall the agenda must spread farther

ASL/sanji mentioned! august 2014

omg again from the same user

shaking your hand in spirit (april 2014!!!)

there have been fans of this pairing as early as april 2014!!!! and have been manifesting for their popularity for awhile 😭😭😭 (plus this user is still active! im not sure if theyre still into one piece but... i hope for the longtime/past fans to see it all soon)

i think my investigation into sabosan history ends here after a long post and hours of searching... unless i somehow find something earlier than april 2014, the earliest moment that sabosan was first talked about was in the year 2014. Q2 2014. back when dressrosa was still ongoing. do you know how insane that is? before wci.

i think we can come to a conclusion that sabosan was a concept as early as 2014 was all becaude of acesan. thats the pattern i noticed. ace/acesan was often mentioned. and i believe it's bc not only are ace and sabo brothers, but bc sabo aimed to eat the mera mera no mi. and if sanji were to meet sabo, sanji would be reminded of his late lover, ace. and the angst potential is so real... sanji looking at sabo... just as a replacement for ace? ouch

i know the fans were having a field day when they learned about sanji's blood family :']

side note: there are likely things lost due to users deactivating or whatnot... and i doubt i'd be able to search via wayback machine. and as much as i dont like pinterest for reposting art, there are pieces of the two ive never seen before

[rosekasa]

🥑🐝

hi anon!!!!

writers' truth & dare asks

🥑 ⇢ you accidentally killed somebody, which mutual(s) do you text for help?

immediately my best friend @renwatchesanime ahdjsja. they would bring out their apple pen and notability and our criminal law textbook

i think id also text @jattendschaton for emotional support because i feel like bren is the person ive sent so many vns to like 'am i bad person for this?? i feel like a bad person' and bren is very good at either reassuring me im not a bad person or honestly saying 'what you did wasnt ideal but i love you and understand you and you'll be fine'

🐝 ⇢ tag your biggest supporter(s) and say one nice thing about them

BUTTTTT I HAVE SO MANY 🥺🥺🥺 IM BLESSED WITH SO MANY PEOPLE ANON!!!

@mozzygan : morgan my beloved: someone who never lets anyone feel forgotten! it's such a wonderful trait to remember people the way she does, especially when she does so many awesome things day to day already!! i feel like someone's priorities say a lot about them as a person and this is so true with morgan

@asukiess : autumn my beloved, she's always cheering me on 🥺 she is such a beautiful person in terms of literally everything -- personality, appearance, her brain, her creations -- and it feels like she is so Fully beautiful that just being around her makes you feel beautiful too

@ladyofthenoodle : noodles has known me since i was sixteen and has always felt like someone i know would stand by me regardless of how active i was in the fandom. i think the thing about noodles that has always inspired me is just the insane level of dedication she has to things in her life -- her work, her fics, her friendships, everything. to me she is someone extremely purposeful and very admirable!!

@jattendschaton : brenu has also known me since i was a baby and she has made me feel so loved and safe in her presence, even back when i didnt really believe i deserved it. bren has such a loving soul and i think it really shows in everything they do. their writing, their art, their tags on reblogs, and ESPECIALLY in conversations, you can tell that they are extremely full of love. talking to them feels like getting a hug. you can't NOT feel secure with them, even if you don't feel secure in yourself.

@hakucho-art : mika is my opposite in the ways that are so important to me. she is all the ambition and fire and fierce steadfastness to get what she wants that i lacked before i met her, and the best part is it's so natural to her that she doesn't even do it consciously. she is the person i turn to when i need to be reminded to stop thinking so much about what's the right thing to do and instead just do the thing and figure out what's right later. they are so amazing in every way and literally a case study on how to be naturally successful

@renwatchesanime : ren is my best friend and is quite literally always there for me. like, i never feel like im ever in an unescapable bind bc i know ren will somehow help me out. my fav thing about ren since forever has always been their brain. they're so fucking smart that i was jealous of them before we became friends. their thinking patterns feel like they catch all the things mine miss, and they're so insanely good at connecting information together and making it make sense. they're quite frankly an absolute genius and they dont give themselves enough credit for it.

[lonelyroommp3]

the only thing i’ll say on the YA/kidlit discourse is that i do think there Are demographics of people that are basically only catered to (commonly) in YA. like i’m a trans girl and i actually don’t like YA basically at all, but it legitimately is hard to find other books like detransition baby or manhunt (already two completely different genres) that feature openly transfeminine characters in interesting stories. like i said i pretty much avoid YA like the plague unless i’ve had a specific recommendation so this really isn’t me being like “ummm but the only good books for queer people are teenybopper books” but i am legitimately sympathetic to other trans girls struggling to break into a market of books that barely ever acknowledge us beyond being a weird sex thing or a joke. the market is dire rn. btw do you have any recs

also just additionally for context: to clarify i am not talking about “representation” which is something i care very little about, but i do think it’s yknow nice to read books that factor transness & transition (totally unavoidable parts of my life) into their worlds and stories, or at least stories written by people who Dont Hate Me etc

i honestly can't say i have any recs because with the exception of a few frenzied months here and there i have, generally speaking, been in a reading slump since about the age of eighteen so i just have not read enough as of late to even begin to build up any sort of rec list. but what i will say is pretty similar to the post i already made which is - in most cases things are out there if you take the time to look. that is not meant to diminish the comparative lack of books by & about & for trans girls and women or express a lack of sympathy for your plight, and it sucks that whatever options i give you will not give anywhere near the same volume of results as they would if i was telling you how to search for books about straight cis women falling in love with hockey players or whatever (fr, i think everybody deserves to have a shitty hockey romance that represents them. this is what progress is really about), and you will probably have to search for longer to find something you really like or connect with, which objectively is a crap situation and gives you added work you didn't ask for.

with that said: one good place to start is lgbt specific bookshops - i'm uk and specifically london based so of course my frame of reference is going to be gay's the word, which i believe delivers at least within the uk and also has the option to filter search results specifically by identity (it's not perfect - there looks to be just one "trans" result so you'll have to actually manually dig to find books specifically focused on trans women). but you're always going to find books there that don't make it into the lgbt+ fiction sections at other bookshops bc, yknow, specifically queer bookshops have the space to specialise and go into much more depth. there's also the chance that if you contact these shops directly (i know gay's the word has a contact/enquiry form that you could probably use even if you're not uk based) the people working there will be happy to give you more specific recommendations

additionally, it is easy to shit on booktok, but i do think once you filter your way past the hundreds of identical accounts all reccing the same 3 romance novels it's honestly really democratised the book rec game, both in terms of reader recommendations and, as i said in my post (albeit in a snarky way that does not really do justice to the range of material of all levels of quality being plugged on social media nowadays), indie authors being able to plug their own material. i literally cannot even download tiktok on my phone bc it does some insane cocomelon shit to the adhd part of my brain, but i'm sure by searching general hashtags related to trans lit, transfem authors, etc you should be able to find accounts or at least one off videos dedicated to those specific recs (and that goes for, honestly, any category of identity be it gender, sexuality, race, ethnicity, disability, etc etc etc). plus, yknow, it's all about The Algorithm, so engaging with content made by transfem authors or writers otherwise including trans women positively in their stories (or content about those works) is just going to boost those stories to more potential readers and show authors, publishers, bookshops etc that there is a keen market for good stories about trans women

basically all that was a very roundabout way of saying like. 100% it's shit and annoying that as soon as you're looking for books about any marginalised groups you end up having to do increasingly elaborate google-fu just to find something halfway decent to read, while some other people can just walk into a chain bookshop and immediately find 50 books For And About Them on the very first table. but at the same time "having to do slightly more work to find these books because they're not in the immediate mainstream" is not the same as those books not existing, especially when we are in the goodreads booktok international delivery at the click of a mouse era, and so i tend to be wary of subscribing to any train of thought that mistakes the former for the latter

[omghallucinations]

Your brain is everything 😭 honey i do not understand half of the shit you are saying but you are SAYING it 💅 im new to astrology so forgive me if this is a stupid question or i dont make sense, but i was just looking at my chart and i realized something kind of cool? So hyunjin has a Pisces stellium, and I have a virgo stellium, but get this- he's a Pisces sun Virgo moon, aren't those signs opposite each other's? Aaaand on top of it, I'm a Virgo sun, Pisces moon *jazz hands* theoretically bc obv im never going to meet this man, would that be harmonious? Im not talking about those two ppl dating, but ive just been reading ur analysis for him and it hit so close to home for ME and idk it was really weird and trippy the way it resonated and how connected i felt to his personality. Or like could this explain why i feel such a draw to him? (Not in like a i wanna marry him kind of way, but like in a "the suffering in me feels the suffering in you" kinda way lol) any additional guidance or lessons would be appreciated or you can just skip this ask all together hahha. hope you're doing well 💗!

oh word!! i love this topic. and: yes for sure. imo pisces and virgo are both really karmic signs--pisces is the 12th house, so like the end of a cycle, and virgo is the 6th house, which is like purifying before the next step of life? so they both have that resonance, and often someone with those placements (especially a stellium) has a lot of karmic Stuff going on. i mean everyone does, but i think pisces, virgo and scorpio placements (and 4th/8th/12th house placements) have it on a really personal like "through yourself" level. (aquarius and capricorn and 11th house placements are also super karmic but i see it as more like The Universe works on you/through you more 😩)

and yeah it's common for people to feel a strong connection when their sun and moon reverse match, or even like sun matches their moon by itself! hilariously jisung is also a virgo with a pisces moon so you can look at that relationship--immediate strong feelings (of some kind 😂) that leads to a real emotional understanding or sensitivity. on one level you'll understand each other completely, and on another you deeply will not lmao. there's often some envy or projection mixed in, but more importantly both people can make the other one feel really secure emotionally. and ur lessons and Issues often overlap too. i wouldn’t be surprised if your lunar nodes are similar in some way too (either signs, element, aspect, houses).

like a virgo moon is a real particular placement (my gf has a virgo moon lmao) and that moon is incredibly almost pathologically critical in a way a pisces moon isn't (altho she has her own very Real Struggles, both these moons love to give u depression!!). a virgo sun needs to embody a version of that energy--like, picking out what is actually important, learning to get rid of ego, helping others, doing practical things--so you'll recognize that impulse in someone else’s moon. i feel like especially when your sun is someone else's moon, you can really Key Into that. tho tbh both ways it can be like a laser for REAL.

it’s so interesting!! i feel similarly about ateez wooyoung (my suffering recognises Your Suffering, although we are insanely different people) and i think it’s because we both have a bunch of yods (and quincunx aspects generally) and the yods have tons of planets/houses in common. My Issues recognize Ur Issues in a major way 🫠

[orgelposting]

bc of my idol spinterest i am quite fond of when jpop starts referencing kpop or the other way around i just think theres a point where it starts feeling more like youre trying to make money off a trend (this is with jpop referencing kpop in specific) rather than just like an Homage and it starts being deeply annoying to look at

i think a good example of doing it in a way thats Right is probably shhis bc their music is #1 good(for the most part fuck oh my god) #2 its not limited to just that one specific genre of terrible fucking edm #3 listening to their music you can pinpoint their influences and these choices that are made feel like theyre done by people that actually know what theyre doing. fly and flys intro being most likely a reference to after schools bang is so COOL to me because not only does imas actually have connections to after school (one of the members being on imas kr) but also referencing something as old as that feels like an actual appreciation rather than just a money grab compares to like oh my god just being a worse version of aespas black mamba

i need to edit this to include Motto which is essentially just a twice homage with the choreography referencing twice choreos and the mv having a location quite similar to one in the likey mv(iirc) and the song being so distinctly early twice that when i heard it for the first time my brain automatically put the TWICE! in the intro. and also idolish7s poisonous gangster which i dont actually care a lot for that song but its made by someone who worked with shinee in the past and the song is very obviously inspired by THE SHINEE WORLD DOO BOP out of all songs and its really fuckig funny to me

on the other hand theres like countless examples both in real and multimedia idols that are either Objectively good but have that distinct Youre trying to make money off of me feel (eg enstars' ruby love which if you listen to it its very obviously meant to be kpop inspired and is made by someone who has worked with nct but also it leaves me with a weird taste in my mouth bc it feels like You Are Trying Really Hard To Market To Me) (or like ldhs iscream whose music i really enjoy but it still leaves me with a weird feel) or the worst outcome which is Terrible song AND youre trying so fucking hard to market to me (48gs trying to do kpop inspired singles, criminally dinner, that one love live song i forgot its name for some reason my bad, etcetc theres way more im too lazy to think of them right now)

also like deresute doing the sheincore kpop gg outfits for fav+rica even though 1 of these characters dresses in decora kei and another is a FARM GIRL still pisses me off so bad like are you insane

[rbvcdeluxe]

haha okay time to fucking cry on tumblr cuz i have nothing else. literally feel free to ignore. i just need to dump my stupid fucking feelings

i hate myself. i truly do. i try to work on it but i genuinely cant do anything. I hate no reasons to be like this, yet i cant help it. im like this because i have absolutely no one close to me in my life, and whys that? because of how i am. i could swear its a fucking catch22 and its absolutely terrible. i try to get close to people and always fail, lots of reasons. i barely have time to slow down and talk to people or hell, even enjoy life on its least. i barely get to make friends and honestly thats a big part of what i need to stay in a position of at least not being insane. i try to make friends but OH i didnt have time, and when i have time? OH im incredibly annoying and selfish, insufferable to talk to. most people i have ever thought of as a close friend were actually people who hated me or just didnt enjoy talking to me, and on the other hand theres the people who after some time completely cut any connection to me and ignore me without any explanation at all. i just cant really explain the actual feeling of it all and it drives me insane.

i feel like im just here for and by myself. which honestly i wouldnt really mind, but just one fucking fact changed all of it. i just want to be loved. how am i even supposed to get that when this is how i am. i am self aware of most of my personality, im an absolute jerk, but i dont even feel capable of change because, again, im alone, and there really isnt a way for me to be better by myself only. and god, i cant believe im gonna bring one of my interests in whatever this text is, but i need to quote "The point is, people improve when they get external love and support. How can we hold it against them when they don't?" i try to be better. i want to try to be better, that is. but its hard without nothing to support myself with, its hard without motivations.

huge part of myself is affected my mental illness and neurodivergence. autism, adhd and ocd, and ohboy the ocd part is incredibly insane to me because when i was diagnosed, for some reason a few months after my brain just compelling forgot about it for at least like 2 years until a few months back. it was like a subconscious need of forgetting unwanted knowledge. it was like not wanting to be aware i had symptoms of it. my mental health and conditions is not something i talk a lot about with people, so rharw one of the reasons for why i forgot about it. and man, to be something i forgot about, it does affect me a lot. because of ocd, i barely get to enjoy life, i always have to be doing something because if not i feel something that can't be simply put into words. the closest i can give to explain the feeling would be like "hey! doing nothing! incredibly useless, you will die now!!" or shit like that. its something i cant fix even if i tried.

being affected by something that cant be changed is hard, but it would be less if i had distractions, closer friends to talk to and stuff like that. but, i have nothing. and why do i have nothing? the same reasons life is hard. i repeat, catch22.

feelings are hard to explain.

its a curse. a deal i never agreed on. but unbreakable until an end, unless whatever is right after.

[oops-all-feelings]

FEELINGS ARE WEIRD AND CONFUSING

making a lil brain dump because ive been going insane

hes been my best friend for years now. i love him dearly. it isnt romantic - i dont want to kiss or do other things, but i also dont really feel that way about anyone. im not attracted to him the way i am to girls - like i dont exactly look at him and go “wow hes attractive.”

but i can see a life with him, and id really like for that future to be real. living together, cooking together, cuddling on the couch watching movies.

and ill admit i get jealous of other people who are particularly close to him, especially potentially romantic connections. i dont act on it or say anything, but i can admit to myself that it does make me jealous.

i love him so much, but it doesnt really fit into the traditional romantic / sexual / platonic [friendly/familial] boxes. it kind of does and kind of doesnt. queerplatonic is probably the most accurate tbh.

but i also dont really want to put a label on what we are, beyond “best friends” because boy/girlfriend/partner have implications of how things will end. you either stay together in that specific way or you part altogether, and i couldnt bear to lose his friendship if things didnt work out, and i wasnt able to return to ‘just friends’ with my ex-gf because dating was basically rebranded friendship.

i know he cares about me in equal measure, but i worry that in an actual partnership, i wouldnt be able to provide what he needs. i worry he’ll find someone else who he loves romantically; someone simpler and less confusing to love; and would rather share his life with. i worry ill never meet anyone else who knows all of me and loves me as much.

also the fact that ive identified as a lesbian for years and now this has me questioning whether i should swap labels. because this isnt so much attraction? this feels like something that falls under my aroace label rather than lesbian/bi/whatever else. i dont even know man 🧍‍♂️

[hivemindscape]

Hello boys!!

I've been getting messages from the kindest people in my inbox, it was killing me to see you upset, so i decided to respond in this way.

I want to hug the crimeboys community. I want to hug you so tightly.

I am genuinely happy for those of you who enjoyed the finale. I envy you, because I did not.

There isn't a chance that I'll ever like it, either, as I've been turning it over and over in my brain relentlessly, reading people's takes when i can make myself to, grappling for a buoy, something to make it okay. In brief moments of the "no thought brain empty" state, I'm fine, but mostly there's intense frustration and confusion. And Big Sad.

In my opinion, this was an awful ending for these two characters. I hate that I'm forced to accept it, so I probably won't.

That being said, I'd rather you didn't message me asking why I'm of this stance, or moreover writing me an essay on why I'm wrong, I dont have the energy or patience to compose a pretty reply to that.

Keep in mind, most importantly, that everyone is entitled to their opinion on this lore, and is free to critize the writing, providing they don't go insulting ccs in their faces. If you see someone making fun of those who are processing their grief in public spaces, understand that the former people are emotionally immature and had poor upbringing. Yes, I said grief. What I've been feeling for the past 3 days was heartbreak and grief, with its physical manifestations. So I'm here to say it's alright if you breathe around a boulder too.

What you have to be doing as part of the fandom is have empathy and respect for people you do not know on the internet. Recognise you have no high ground to dictate what's the right reaction. Introspect a bit if you have an urge to tell someone to "chill": what impact that comment would have, and recognize that there's none. You'd just come across as an asshole.

I was intending to not go on a rant about that, but it's an apparent problem currently which I couldn't not address, as it turned out. You might be thinking "Bro they're speaking so seriously as if someone died". If so, the following should explain it well enough:

Ability and desire to give your heart to something fictional is a valuable, bright, very telling character trait. This is empathy of the highest order. This means one's heart is immense, and strong. Sorry for speaking cliche, but I do want you to read into what I'm saying.

Have you ever felt enveloped in a hug by someone's mere text message, when they said they understand, relate, and support you? This is incredible. You read fics and cry, you look at art and feel warmth in your chest, you talk with other fans and feel connected. This is a gift that we have, to be connected through this fictional story. And the media format that it uses does not matter here, only makes it surprising and unique.

So. You're valid to be satisfied with the ending. You're valid to be unhappy with it. It's valid to be deeply unhappy because of it. These characters meant the world to me. The trust I put in the content creators not to ruin them was immense. I'm currently figuring out where to go from here creatively.

I want to promise hovewer, that I'll do my best to recover from this shit, and bring comfort to you guys with my crimeboys art again. Its largely because of you and your love for my work that I've decided that. But also this fandom is the place where Ive felt the happiest with myself in my whole life. It's insane, I don't want to lose this.

If you have anything you want to send me, any fic or any art, you can dm me on twitter or instagram of the same name as this blog. I'm currently trying to keep distance from dsmp content (key word trying), but if it's something you're passionate about sharing, I'll go and appreciate it as soon as i can. It means a lot to me when you guys share your thoughts and your work with me Q^Q 💜💜💜

Your messages and your tags under the last piece that's blown up, have been a huge comfort to me. A Huge comfort. Thank you so so much for letting me know. I create art cause its the meaning of me, to be influencing people's emotions, leaving a mark, so I'm incredibly happy I could help you feel better in this time, and any other time. 🫂

Thank you guys. And I'm sorry.

[weirdmageddon]

five years too late let’s analyze this. the commentary has gotten me back into gravity falls reigniting thoughts and insights i came to years ago

i love everything about this commentary in general it hits the points of humor, genuine analysis of the characters, but most of all im so glad hirsch addressed that the droid not detecting any fear from dipper here doesnt make any scientific sense because that was a massive CinemaSins moment for me

IDK the fact that dipper can fucking stand after an airship crash because theres a bigger threat at hand is literally one of the defining capabilities owed to adrenaline lol...... IM SORRY im a biopsychology student if i dont point that out iwill seethe and die because that was just . its a grudge ive held for a long time about this episode but didnt rant about because it was something so minor and i’m sure nobody would care.

i was 13 when this episode came out and i’m almost 19 now, i had a special interest in biology and i still do but now i’m actually having college classes in biopsychology so i can give my arguments more oomph now. and i have to say, now that i know more about the brain and autonomic nervous system the more this scene bugs me, if that was even possible. and it says a lot of dipper and ford’s relationship.

if dipper clearly wasnt calm before, why would he be now just because he’s put up an outwardly confident facade? before he was in the flight but now hes in the fight. my boy just rode on top of a spaceship by nothing but a magnet gun that could detach at any time if it failed and then the ship crashed, he sustained injuries, is in emotional turmoil because he thinks his uncle is Fucking Dead and the threat of a security droid that detects adrenaline is on his tail and produces a Big Fucking Gun in response to dipper saying “i hAvE a MaGNeT gUn” and hes screaming and has his teeth clenched but sure there’s no adrenaline coursing through his body in that moment i can totally believe that

when dipper asks what happened, ford says “the orb didn’t detect any chemical signs of fear, it assumed the threat was neutralized and self-disassembled” but i don’t think measuring someone’s heartbeat alone is particularly relevant in detecting ... chemical signs of fear?? they dont really tell you this shit but noradrenaline (and maybe adrenaline too if the acetylcholine from sympathetic outflow always activates the adrenal medulla??, theres two pathways) is always active in small quantities to make sure your parasympathetic nervous system doesnt slow your heart to dangerous levels on its own, regardless of your emotions. it’s just a homeostatic mechanism. your sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems are CONSTANTLY modulating control of your organs on a see-saw, literally with every breath you take. simply standing upright causes specialized mechanoreceptor neurons in blood vessels to signal your brain to project signals to release catecholamines via the sympathetic nervous system to constrict your blood vessels so that blood is able to reach your brain and not pool in your legs. i have a deficiency in my body’s ability to adapt to this which is why i know so much about it. if i stand up my heart races to compensate. i’m not feeling fear, my body is just adjusting—albeit grossly and incompetently lol.

but what im saying here is that the security system is flawed. it’s a cool idea to have security droids detect fear, but in practice by detecting adrenaline, and not even directly by detecting the molecule itself—it’s done in a roundabout way by reading the heartbeat, could be a recipe for false alarms. like what if someone’s on beta-blockers. that’s not really an adequate way to measure “fear”; there’s so many variables that could interfere with the measurement the farther you abstract from what you’re really trying to detect. and besides, adrenaline is NOT just a sign of fear, it’s just for preparing the body for action. i know the sympathetic nervous system and adrenaline is constantly linked with the “fight-or-flight” reaponse to a stressor, but 99.9% of the time the sympathetic nervous system is used in your life is to balance out your parasympathetic nervous system to maintain homeostatic equilibrium for mundane things.

i think detecting amygdalar activation would be more efficient in detecting fear. the amygdala sends projections to the hypothalamus which then in turn modulates the autonomic nervous systems. but the amygdala is intensely activated specifically in response to a fear-inducing stimulus (it does activate in response to other emotions but they’re mostly negative and is most activated by startle and fear), and wouldnt be highly activated by many other confounding variables like measurement of the heartbeat could be. the amygala is one of the first stops directly from external stimuli.

to show you how integrated the amygdala is as the first step in registering fear after receiving input from sensory stimuli let’s look at the auditory-amygdala connection for example

see how the auditory thalamus projects to the primary auditory cortex and auditory association cortex? the cortex is where conscious awareness of what the stimuli is comes from. this is the “high road”. it goes sensing -> perception -> emotional response. but sometimes you can be startled without even processing what it is you’re sensing, like the startle response of an alarm or a phone ringing in a quiet house before you even register what it is. this goes sensing -> emotional response, without perception happening until after you’ve already felt the startle. that’s when it takes the “low road”. here’s a simplified version:

even if that were the case with these droids though it’s obvious dipper is still fearful on some level here. his body language, voice, expressions all give it away. for the amygdala, aggression isnt too off from fear so it would be detected equally.

the reason this is so important is because ford uses this as evidence for why dipper is special, “i did it?” “you did it. this is what i was talking about, how many 12 year olds do you think are capable of doing what you’ve just done?”

but like....did he really? i’m not saying this to shoot dipper down or make him out to be more of a wuss, he was incredibly strong-willed here and i dont want to take that away from him because it WAS growth on his part. but the underlying psychophysiological reactions of aggression and fear shouldn’t be that different and this was a total asspull. maybe the droid was so old that it fucked up. maybe dipper being covered in grime and dirt made it harder for the droid to measure the correct heart rate through photoplethysmography (im assuming since they use a camera and are non-contact).

and in all honesty everything i just said brings into question the interpersonal healthiness of ford’s judgements, what he thinks, his expectations, and how he communicates that. in this video alex already talks about how ford is projecting onto dipper. and i think ford may be projecting his expectations for himself onto people who are not him, and the fact that it’s on dipper here makes it far more unfortunate. you realize how much this boy idolizes ford, right? how much impressions matter? dipper even tells himself before he leaves in this same episode, “all right dipper, this is your first big mission with great uncle ford. don’t mess this up.”

even though it’s unstated, the implicit message dipper is perceiving from ford based on their dynamic is: “do you have what it takes for me to be proud of you?” and to accomplish this he must be like ford, even though he’s clearly not and he knows this. he says “i don’t think have what it takes. i was tricked by bill, i was wrong about stan’s portal, heck, i can’t even operate this magnet gun right.” then, by simple chance without even knowing what he did, he activates the magnet gun and pulls out the adhesive, which immediately takes the focus away from what dipper was telling ford about his feelings of inadequacy to ford saying, “yes! dipper, you found the adhesive!”

these thoughts of dipper’s hang in the air without resolve or comment from ford. we don’t know what ford would have said. but it then becomes painfully self-evident in the scene immediately after when the droids emerge and ford tells dipper, “they’re security droids and they detect adrenaline. you simply have to not feel any fear and they won’t see you”, to which dipper replies with an exasperated (and rightful) “WHAT?”

dipper goes in a panic trying to indirectly tell his uncle that this isn’t something he can do. and he is completely right and valid to be freaked out by that full stop. that IS crazy. you can’t control your fear. you can control how you interpret that fear in your higher brain regions but the physiological changes will stick around for longer than it takes to cognitively calm down. it’s easy for me to detach from my emotions to analyze them, but being able to do this does not come naturally for everyone. even i have an irrational fear of wasps and i can’t control it by detaching myself, my body is just automatically primed to get the fuck out of there. i know it’s stupid and i know it’s irrational and isn’t helpful to get myself worked up but i literally can’t stop how my body reacts no matter how i cognitively think about it. expecting composure from dipper in a situation like this when he’s being made to consciously be aware of his anxiety is absolutely fucking insane. look what you did, placing these cruel expectations on him, now he’s afraid of being afraid! this isn’t a case where two wrongs cancel out, they just stack on top of each other.

there’s a good reason these scenes were put side by side but it seems up until now it had remained unanalyzed.

what dipper fears from ford is disappointment. not living up to his uncle’s (quite frankly badly placed) expectations for a twelve year old with anxiety. not once did ford say or subliminally communicate “i don’t expect you to be able to do what i can since you are not as experienced as i am and that’s perfectly okay, no judgements”. you don’t put a child on bike before training wheels. you don’t throw a kid into a swimming pool without giving them swimming lessons. the way ford is doing it, there’s no room for trial and error or mistakes that are an opportunity to grow and learn; instead, it’s life or death. he only seems to pride dipper on what he can do while ignoring the underlying struggles that plague him and never making it known it’s okay for dipper to fail in front of his hero and that he won’t think anything less of him for it.

and that’s why i found the ending scene for dipper and ford’s adventure in this episode to feel so.. wrong. on a scientific and social level. because by the sound of it ford focused more on what dipper had done to dismantle the droid (the droid not detecting any fear) instead of how dipper displayed love and protection for him even if he was truly afraid. what if the science was accurate and the droid detected adrenaline while dipper was confidently standing up for his uncle. would ford still be proud of him regardless?

[togamicrying]

honey you e got a big storm coming

35, 39, 47, 48, 51, 56, 83 hee hee

MAPLE.

35. A character who should’ve got more character development?

like. sooooo many of them lol. can i say the entire cast of v3? because honest to god that's my answer -- even my faves in v3 leave Something to be desired

beyond that, i actually think that thh and gbd do a really good job of stretching characters to their maximum narrative utility before killing them off, and i do feel like in both games the most narratively flexible ones are the ones who live. i think if i had to say anyone from those games it'd probably be leon or sayaka just because the way the free time events work in trigger happy havoc work mean they get like three events and then they die and you never get to know more lmfaoo (but even then i still don't think their characters are Lacking in the way that the v3 cast is for me. sorry for being a v3 hater lol)

39. Smartest murder plan?

komaeda's, obviously LMFAO. god every time i replay sdr2 chapter 5 im struck by it all over again. like they literally had to guess!! even with nanami revealing herself! even then! they still had to be like well. hope his luck actually worked out! king popped off and the entire trial is SO good for advancing the plot and tying off hinata's dynamics with BOTH komaeda and nanami! the moment of sickening clarity when hinata realizes that he DOES understand how komaeda's brain works, and knows what his intentions really were? nanami and hinata's final goodbye? uuuugh sdr2 chapter 5 i love youuuuu.

rest under the cut bc Long.

47. A headcanon you have about a character?

*pushes two million unfinished drafts of Togami Headcanons to the side* i am going to talk about komaru. i think she's a butch lesbian and every time she's depicted as feminine in fanart my soul dies a little even though butch komaru exists solely in my head. i also think she's really sporty, but i've talked about that elsewhere hehe.

ok i'll talk about togami a little bit. it's 100% projection but i think he's agender. not in a way where he like. actively thinks about it -- even at Full Self-Actualization i'm not sure if i ever see him actually realizing it and actively thinking about himself in that way -- but i just dont think he as any particular connection to being a *man* outside of how it plays into his attraction to other men/his family's expectations of producing heirs. like he just kind of is how he is and doesn't feel compelled to make any particular effort to present as masculine. i could make a joke here about his gender just being Togami, but genuinely i do think that rings true. he's not a boy or a girl but a secret third thing (byakuya togami™️) does this make sense. like. to anyone (<- projecting and insane) whatever. i think he would look nice in a floor length skirt.

48. Favourite OST?

i... usually play the games on silent :X legit i know like 3 songs including mr monokumas lesson. just tried to remember what beautiful days sounded like and the wii sports theme is what my brain supplied (<- embarrassed)

i WILL say that i think drv3 has the best opening track of any of the games. its so jazzy and fun hehe

51. Character you thought you were gonna dislike but loved in the end?

mmm. hard to say, honestly? it's been so many years since i formed first impressions of the thh and gbd casts that i kind of dont even remember what i first thought of them? i have a lot of v3 characters who i thought i would like and wound up feeling kind of ehh about, but that's not the question lol

i think, Big Terrible Writing Choice aside, i was really surprised by how much i wound up actually *liking* korekiyo? like okay OBVIOUSLY they took his character in a terrible direction but before that when he's just like, a weird little freak? that ruled lol

in terms of characters that i've had full turnarounds in opinion over the course of 2012-2022? i remember not particularly liking/caring about kirigiri, sayaka, fukawa, souda, or gundam when i first read the playthroughs of their games, and now they're some of my favorites hehe. but that's less about me going *into* the games thinking i wouldnt like them -- because in both cases i went in completely blind -- and more about them growing on me like a fungus over successive playthroughs lol

56. Best free time events?

ok. take this with a grain of salt because i'm stalled out in my sdr2 replay rn so i haven't redone the free time events for that game in awhile/haven't done any v3 ftes besides maki's and ouma's because im a hater.

i think kirigiri has really good fte's. i love that she gets a little sillay in them and how subtle her progression from "why are you talking to me" to "i care deeply about you" is. i also really appreciate how the game cutting her off as an option for free time at certain points serves to make that progression feel really natural with the game's actual plot. love you miss kirigiri.

mondo's are really great as well, he's such a fun guy to interact with and him talking about wanting to be a carpenter and loving his stupid tiny dog and being too nervous to ask girls out all add such levity to his character and make it SO sad when he dies. like damn that biker gang leader trapped in a murder game really is just like. some guy in high school :-( i also loved that they brought him wanting to be a carpenter back in dr:s! made my heart soar uuuuugh i love you mondo, sorry i never ever talk about you

komaeda gets an honorable mention for his botched love confession. buddy you did So Bad.

83. Least favourite chapter?

[staring myself down in the mirror] i will not hate on v3 this time i will not hate on v3 this time i will not hate on--

chapter 4 of v3 was soooo boring guys. i hated the virtual world and idk if it was just me but the controls for it were just. nightmarish. whatever lets talk about the games i do like.

i also agree with @ovidiomedes about thh's c3 kind of dragging. it's one of my favorite trials, but the actual chapter is. really slow lol. i think part of that is due to the anticipation of chapters 4-6 which are some of my all time favorites across all three games, but i think it has larger narrative problems that contribute to that dragging feeling ://

[palmett-hoes]

per your post "every single one of the monsters is autistic and/or adhd" will you elaborate on that?, if you do i will love you forever (not that i wont if you dont do it)

oh boy i would love to!!! unironically nothing brings me more joy than writing long, convoluted character analysis posts

---

okay so i’ve written several posts before about why andrew is autistic. his moral code, the roundabout way he communicates, his body language, his stimulation-seeking behavior, his strict adherence to transactional deals, the emphasis on honesty, and a dozen other details. at this point i just take andrew being autistic as fact, not just an interpretation

h o w e v e r  i also hc that andrew is dyslexic, which is also a neurodiverse condition

- - -

similarly, i’ve seen more than one person interpret kevin as autistic, and i absolutely agree that it fits. not just the hyperfocus on exy but mostly the way he communicates. he’s very indirect, especially in his affection but very direct with his opinions. he tries to be helpful in a material way to the people he cares about, even if he comes off as negative. he wants the people he cares about to be safe and successful so he pushes them to work hard and reminds them in measurable ways how to stay healthy. he doesn’t factor in a lot of room for emotions, so instead he focuses on quantifiable things that he can improve. i personally act very similarly. approaching someone emotionally is hard for me, so when the people i care about have problems all i can think to do is try offering solutions, check up on their well-being, etc. practicality instead of conventional sentiment is extremely common with asd

- - -

so now let’s talk about neil. i had to think on this one for a WHILE but ultimately came to the conclusion that neil is adhd, probably hyperactive type. 

like obviously neil is high energy. i would say he probably does the most exercise of anyone on the team. morning run, morning practice, afternoon practice, night practice with kevin and andrew, plus he doesn’t have a car so he runs to class (on a BIG ass campus), and goes for an extra run when he feels stressed. that’s... insane, honestly.

neil reminds me SO MUCH of this post that goes:

“Was just informed by my mom that I do in fact have ADHD and the reason I thought I didn’t was because ever since I was seven whenever I got super energetic my mom would have me go chop wood so now when I’m feeling The ADHD I go chop wood”

(phenomenal post) and that’s neil to a t. tell me this isn’t exactly how neil handles his problems and also exactly what mary would have had to do to keep her unmedicated and very energetic son focused on the task of staying alive

neil also definitely has that ADHD on/off switch with his interest. the obvious being exy which is like the definition of a hyperfixation, but you can see it in other things: the way he runs totally hot or totally cold with people, his complete disinterest in his schoolwork, the way he can’t seem to sit still long enough to follow movies. but then there’s also the hyperfocus. doing the same drill for hours on end. watching exy game after exy game. staring at andrew until time falls away

what’s more, neil on many occasions shows racing thoughts, both in an anxiety way (and anxiety often goes hand-and-hand with adhd) but also as a way to quickly and accurately take in details about people to build a character profile of them. this is what allows him to connect with the foxes, how he manages to get through andrew’s puzzles, and even how he knows what to say in order to knock riko down a peg. his brain just works so fast and it takes in a lot of very specific details and disparate information to make connections.

but also like,, neil has a HUGE problem with time blindness. like the instant he didn’t have his mother around to manage and direct him anymore he lost all sense of time. he stayed in Millport for a YEAR. and what did he keep telling himself during that time? basically “i really need to move on, but not just yet.” for a YEAR! then he gets to palmetto and he’s like “i’ll cut and run in a month or two” then he doesn’t “i’ll be gone by halloween” wrong again “i’ll leave by the raven’s game” nope. like,, the boy just has NO sense of time and he can’t seem to make himself DO anything outside of an externally enforced schedule. and even then,,, HE HAD 48 FUCKING DAYS TO FIGURE OUT SOMETHING TO DO TO NOT GET MURDERED! 48 WHOLE DAYS. he didn’t make a plan, he didn’t write down any letters with goodbyes, he didn’t GO TO THE FBI LIKE HE’D INTENDED TO THE WHOLE TIME! nah he just made out with andrew and when he finally got to zero he was just like “ah shit, that was fast. oh well guess i’ll die” and that’s time blindness, babey!

---

let’s move on to nicky. 

now i think it would be really easy to say nicky is just adhd because he’s high energy and forgetful but tbh,, i don’t think that’s all of it. like if you really look at nicky’s character and especially at his problems, he has asd problems just as much as he has adhd problems.

so nicky is dual diagnosis asd and adhd. also nicky reminds me a lot of a girl i used to know who was autistic/adhd

so, adhd:

very generally speaking, ppl with adhd will struggle with sitting still, listening to and following instructions, planning/organization, following a schedule, and some social boundaries like “appropriate” times and topics of conversation

i would say you see hints of this with nicky. he’s definitely a rambunctious personality, constantly on the move, constantly stimulation seeking. he’s very tactile. he likes to dance, he likes to party, he complains about it but he’s an elite-level athlete. he’s also decidedly very chatty, and doesn’t seem to really pay attention to what he’s saying. he distracts himself and the people around him have to keep him on track. he has some trouble with boundaries. he’s a little all over the place. he’s almost a bit of an adhd stereotype

also one thing i find interesting is that when neil sees him in the library doing work neil is surprised to see he’s capable of that, especially bc when we see the upperclassmen doing work they generally do it in their dorms or on the bus and/or with other people around. that hyper-social nicky would be alone in a quiet place is weird. but this is like the most common tip for dealing with adhd. don’t do it in a familiar space. have a designated space and time to do work. limit distractions. just a lil detail

so now, asd:

in all honesty, most of nicky’s actual problems in the narrative could be viewed as stemming from asd symptoms. his number one issue being that he has a lot of trouble with nonverbal cues (and tbh, verbal ones too). the twins are mostly quiet. andrew especially (when he’s sober) communicates primarily nonverbally, and nicky seems to have a lot of trouble with this. despite knowing them for the longest on the team, nicky honestly seems to have the least insight into the way either of the twins actually thinks or processes things. he loves them, and he’s very forgiving of them, but he fundamentally doesn’t understand them. 

the twins, andrew especially, put up a LOT of nonverbal boundaries, and nicky sort of inadvertently keeps trampling all over them. he’s touchy in a way they don’t like. he talks a lot about their personal lives to other people. he treats them like they’re joking when they’re serious. etc. and like,,, you kind of get the sense that the upperclassmen feel similarly about him. beyond the homophobia, beyond the fact that he’s loyal to andrew, the upperclassmen still treat him with this sense of,, bafflement, i suppose? it’s clear that they don’t really understand him and he doesn’t really understand them. although, nicky IS curious about the upperclassmen, while the upperclassmen are pretty dismissive of him. it reminds me of when my sweet, floppy dog tries to play with my cat. their body language is different; they’re each receiving different signals than they believe they’re sending out

only,, nicky loves people!! he likes being around them, he likes talking to them. he’s interested in their lives and stories, but it’s very clear that he can’t read between the lines on people. he has an incredibly hard time with people who expect their actions to speak for them, which is most people, but is especially his cousins.

actually this is very much also an issue that i have: things need to be spelled out for me. the way i deal with it is i ask a lot of questions. ‘how do you want me to react to this potential situation?’ ‘what are specific things that make you most comfortable?’ ‘please explain to me exactly how you feel and what has prompted those feelings?’ and i’m always communicating vice versa like that with other people. a lot of specifics in both questions and answers

and the interesting thing is, when i was skimming through the books reviewing dialogue styles for another ask, i noticed that, actually, nicky DOES do this. with neil and the upperclassmen, nicky asks a LOT of quick, clarifying questions. things that ask after tone, that ask after intent. it’s kinda sad that he does this for communicating with acquaintances, but with the twins, the people he’s closest to, he makes a lot more assumptions. and i’m really proud of nicky for having this coping skill, because i can’t imagine it’s something he grew up doing. there’s no way he was raised in an environment that fostered this kind of open communication so it must have been something he learned about much later, probably in germany with the kloses, which would also explain why he’s a lil imperfect about it

---

now last but not least, aaron

this is another one i had to think through for a long time before it felt like it fit

much like how i felt that it would be easy to read nicky as simply adhd rather than also asd, i think it would be easy to say aaron is autistic simply because he is quieter, less rambunctious. however, i actually think he’s adhd, likely primarily inattentive type

in all honesty, aaron’s #1 character trait for the first two books is basically that he’s disconnected. detached. separated both from his family and his team. not in the same forcefully apathetic way that andrew is, more,, spaced out. he’s just kind,, there. not really paying attention to what’s going on, tuning in every once in a while only if something really catches his eye/ear then tuning right back out again. just sits in his corner and plays on his phone. and the thing is, from the moments when he does tune in, you can tell that he actually does care. he backs nicky when seth insults him in tfc, and we know he cares deeply about andrew even if he’s become disillusioned with their fraught relationship. he even hangs with his family, doesn’t seem to really try and slip away to other friends besides katelyn, he’s fine spending his leisure time with the monsters. so it’s not totally apathy, he’s just,,, tuned out most of the time

and, yea, that sounds like adhd. it’s not the type that most people are familiar with, and for a lot of people this causes it to slip under the radar. it can make it hard to get help or a dx because it doesn’t fit with how adhd “should” look or how someone “should” act, but difficulty focusing your thoughts and staying in tune with the current moment is absolutely part of adhd

addiction is also a huge problem for people with adhd. a lot of stimulants affect people with adhd very differently than neurotypicals, especially in small doses, and an adhd kid who’s struggled their whole lives with the disorder might try speed or god-forbid meth or fuck even coffee and suddenly find that things are a lot easier for them. they start to self-medicate, they don’t actually know what they’re doing, and then they’re addicted, and everything spirals out of control. we don’t know too many details about aaron’s addiction other than that his mother enabled him, but wouldn’t this fit? it’s also an explanation for aaron still taking drugs at eden’s, given that cracker dust seems to be a mild amphetamine. (aaron talk to betsy about the neurocog and get an actual prescription please)

(total throw away but aaron plays videogames and videogames are like,, adhd culture)

[newtedison]

my thoughts on the crank palace

i touched about this a bit on twitter (@newtedison_) but i figured i would Try and touch on my points more here (spoilers obv) again, its sort of lengthy

1. im gonna start with talking about the ending because i need to get it out of the way. either i havent read the books in a while and i forgot some canon (which could very well be true, i literally forgot that Bliss was a thing) or this ending makes no sense and is (somehow) setting up for a tdc sequel? so first off, newt was shot in the Head with a Bullet and somehow didnt immediately die? i know that that can happen in real life but it just seems so unlikely that not only would he not die, but he would survive long enough for someone from WCKD to transport him back to their labs and try to revive him. and who the fuck was he talking to? did thomas get newt’s journal at some point and i just dont remember? like i said, either im forgetting stuff or this ending doesnt make sense and is setting up a sequel which...i’ll get to later

2. why was this written? like, what was the point? i understand that this wasnt going to be all sunshine and rainbows but i feel like i was reading torture porn. like, literally all that happens is newt gets tortured (which is described in detail) by WCKD soldiers, has bouts of insane-fueled rage where he KILLS MULTIPLE PEOPLE, and then he dies. ??? what did this contribute to the canon? what was this trying to accomplish? truthfully, i never really wanted a newt-POV...well, anything except for maybe those little nuggets he wrote some time ago. but even if i HAD wanted a newt-POV novella, this is not what i would have wanted. he KNOWS that newt is almost universally the most loved character in this franchise. you can tell because he constantly uses him as a way to get fans in his good graces again. so why on earth would he take that character that so many people love and write a novella where its torture porn and a descent into madness before death? i am not interested in that At All. i’ve read fics (and even written a drabble) where newt is a Crank, and those were more respectful and easier to read than tcp. the parts where newt is having bouts of the Flare were literally exhausting to read; it was described in such vivid and torturous detail that it made me sick reading it. and it didnt help that newt is a character i care a lot about. i didn’t need to know what becoming a Crank felt like. the way it was described in the other books (and even the movies) told me everything i needed to know. the way thomas and everyone found newt at the crank palace in tdc and hes described as obviously not well, but not knowing what exactly happened to him...thats good enough on its own. the mystery of what exactly newt had to endure is part of what gives his journey more emotional depth. not everything needs to be written out and explained. not every gap needs to be filled in. 

3. me saying “the characterization felt off” is going to make some people roll their eyes because ‘duh, sami, the characterization will be off because he’s going insane’ to which i say...exactly. we weren’t really reading a newt-POV novella, were we? even if he isn’t past the Gone in the beginning, hes clearly not the same person we knew him as. the whole novella felt like an uncanny valley situation; i knew i was supposed to be reading about newt, but it felt like i was reading about someone else who looked like him. and that is part of what made this such a disconnect and made me lose interest at parts. not only that, but the world building and lore is inconsistent. newt makes a comment about how it used to rain in the glade, and apparently (as ive been told) that is simply not true. keisha having somehow working cell phone that magically connects her to her family also doesnt make sense. how would they have each others’ numbers? what are the odds that they BOTH found working cell phones in an apocalypse? i get that its a novella but you cant just throw something that crazy in there as a plot convenience. actually work on your plot and world building in a cohesive way, please. and another thing that doesnt make sense...

4. ...is newt finding out that sonya is his sister. if there was anything i would have wanted from a newt-pov novella, it would have been this. him finding out that not only is sonya his sister, but he already knows her post-WCKD. something that would have made this novella actually captivating, contributing something worthwhile to the canon that i would actually want to read, is if newt found out while in the crank palace that sonya was his sister; the Flare would remove that part of the Slice in his brain, and he would realize it was her. then, knowing that he couldnt go past the Gone before seeing her, he would try to find a way to get back to her. he could learn this after thomas and everyone originally see him, so it could match up with the canon. and then, by the time 250 comes along, hes lost all hope of that actually happening, and lashes out to thomas in a fit of rage. the journey of him trying to find his ACTUAL sister would have meant more to me than the story of keisha and dante. trust me, i love a found family trope as much as the next girl. but this series is FULL of the found family trope. it pretty much is the backbone of the franchise. so to see a blood family dynamic would have been a refreshing change of pace that i actually would have been interested in reading. also, the way that newt DOES find out about sonya is...underwhelming. he just randomly says “you remind me of my sister, sonya” to keisha in the WCKD truck. first of all, sonya is not the name you would actually know her by. you would know her by her birth name (which is lizzy? elizabeth?). second, why does he act like he didnt already meet her in the series? when the WCKD doctor tells him sonya is his sister and is alive, hes so surprised. wouldn’t he have known that already? why is there not more emphasis on the fact he already met her? that would have been a really interesting dynamic to explore, and im sad they didnt

5. the pacing and dialogue of tcp is so dragged out. i remember specifically there was a section where newt goes to talk to keisha after she starts abandoning dante, and i swear to god there was a page and a half of text before anything ACTUALLY happened or anyone ACTUALLY said anything. dashner described a launcher at one point as “the energy dependent electric firing projectile device.” that’s SIX words to describe a stun gun. a fucking stun gun! we know what it is! why did you have to use six words??? it just felt like everything was dragged and stretched to the longest it could possibly be and it added to the exhaustion i felt while reading it

6. okay i cant end it without talking about newtmas. its very obvious by now that newtmas is a VERY large part of this fanbase. its clearly the most popular ship and what keeps a lot of people interested in this series. even the marketing team for the MOVIES used newtmas as a advertising tactic (i.e.; using thomas and newt standing face to face as a thumbnail for the trailer, emphasizing newtmas based questions in interviews, even making a fucking facebook memories video for them. yes that last one is real). not only does dashner use newt as a way to lure fans in; he also uses newtmas. the parts that were sprinkled into this were so obvious that it didnt feel authentic. i cant speak for the original trilogy; i dont know the culture around ships back then, and i dont know how much it influenced his writing at the time. but the scenes in those books felt more genuine than tcp. by genuine i mean; he wrote scenes without a relationship in mind, but the chemistry had noticeable subtext that, while unintentional, was largely agreed upon by the larger audience. the parts of newtmas he added into tcp felt artificial and forced, likely as a way for people to take snippets of and use as a free marketing tool for him. one example you might have already seen; “he had already gotten used to his post-thomas, post-WCKD life.” the fact that dashner SPECIFICALLY used the phrase “post-thomas” rather than “post-his friends” or something similar shows that he is using newtmas as a hook on purpose. not only that, but to make newt’s last thoughts as he died “tommy. tommy will understand...” is...wow. first of all, i never wanted to know what newt’s dying thoughts were, but thanks, i guess? and second, when we all initially thought newt died underneath thomas with a gun to his head, i was pretty much inferred that newts last thoughts would probably be about thomas; they would sort of have to be, given the circumstances. so adding that in gives me the same feeling that “i’m coming for you, newt” at the end of the fever code gave me. not as offensive, but written very much on purpose. and the ending is implying that there will somehow be a sequel where thomas gets newt’s journal from...someone. at this point, i can only think that this sequel will retroactively make newtmas canon somehow. now that newt has been confirmed as gay, it could happen. which brings me to my last point...

7. hearing dashner confirm newt is gay was already mind-boggling before. now that i’ve read the crank palace...im angry. im very angry. i think its safe to say that newt is the character that suffers the most in this series. you can argue with me but hes definitely high on the list, if not #1. so; you take this character. you give him a horribly sad arc in the original trilogy, then decide to expand upon it and tell us, your largely QUEER fanbase, exactly how painful and torturous his last days were, in detail. and then you tell us he’s gay. something that is never mentioned in the canon, only in an offhanded reply to a tweet of someone calling you out. on a base level, i can understand why people would be happy. representation (i guess), seeing themselves in the character, having their headcanons be confirmed. great. but what i see is you telling your largely queer fanbase “hey, you see the only confirmed gay character? im going to literally write torture porn about him before killing him off and offer it to you like im providing a service to your community.” how fucked up is that? “hey, kids, if youre gay, you WILL be violently tortured and become violent and a danger to the ones you love. then you will die and your love will never be reciprocated.” what a message! and if he DOES end up retroactively making newtmas “canon” in some weird sequel...i will start foaming at the mouth. THIS is an example of how not all queer representation is good or genuine.

i’ve definitely forgotten some points but this is long enough already. let me know if you agree or if theres anything else you want to add! im interested in what you guys think

(8. I JUST REMEMBERED!!! if WCKD needed to study newt so bad bc sonya is his sister and is immune while he isnt, why did they let him run around the crank palace in the first place??? you cant test his vitals or anything you’re literally just watching him. what is the point????)

[goldrushzukka]

1, 2, 7, 8, 9. (Sorry, i know that's like...all of them)

1. what themes would you like to write about that you feel don’t get explored very often?

i love writing coming out storylines. it’s not really that they’re uncommon, i just find a lot of catharsis in them. 

2. what are some common elements of stories you are tired of seeing? what would you avoid writing about?

i tend to avoid writing sibling dynamics bc i’m an only child and therefore not really. qualified. i love reading it though!! 

7. favourite description in your WIP?

it was really hard to pick one so i have a few answers for this bc i love to talk about myself so. (under the cut bc JESUS this got long but spoilers for and i’ll do anything you say (read it here!) ahead!!!)

- from chapter 2:

Sokka looks at him, a fantasy come to life, and takes off his stupid sweatpants.

He throws them at Zuko’s head, and earns himself a short burst of that real laugh, shocked and unguarded.

“You asshole,” Zuko says. He sits up and grabs Sokka’s hand, pulling him down on top of him. Something comes alive under Sokka’s skin where Zuko’s fingers graze his wrist. He calls it lust and ignores the fact that it feels nothing like it.

Zuko kisses him, his mouth still in the shape of laughter, and the alive thing screams for his attention. Sokka buries it and hopes it won’t deafen him before they’re done.

im very fond of this whole chapter (i think it’s probably my favourite? it was definitely the easiest to write) but i really love looking back on this part particularly now that we’re in the angsty part of the story bc this is where it all started. yes technically it started in chapter 1 but this is when sokka starts to fall for zuko. this is the beginning of all those pesky non-casual feelings that he’s going to pretend don’t exist until someone else calls him out on them.

- also from chapter 2:

He’s forty-five minutes late already, and when he knocks, a woman made of pursed lips and sharp angles answers the door. She looks elegant and expensive the same way a skyscraper does. Or a cache of medieval weaponry.

“Oh,” Sokka says, digging into his pocket to find the map on his phone. “I must have the wrong place, sorry -”

She looks him up and down, her eyes narrowed in a way that feels violent and practiced, and her smirk turns distasteful. Sokka risks a glance down at himself, at his torn up jeans - not distressed, just torn - and the Madonna t-shirt he’s pretty sure actually belongs to Katara, and thinks she might have a point. The bag in his hand feels heavier when her eyes land on it.

“Zuzu,” the woman calls into the apartment, “your dinner’s here.”

“I didn’t order -” Zuko appears in the doorway, bitter frustration in his expression as he looks at the woman.

His eyes fall on Sokka, though, and his face clears into a light-pollution smile.

this is technically two so i will start with: i love azula. i haven’t found any room to bring her back yet but believe me i am LOOKING. she’s hot and mean and gay and i LOVE HER. oh also insider scoop but suki’s date from earlier in this chapter.......WAS azula. they probably won’t see each other again because once azula met sokka and connected his face to the Best Friends Forever picture frame on suki’s desk she stopped answering the phone.

pt 2: i’ve had a couple of comments mention the “light-pollution smile” line specifically and i am always so happy to read them bc yeah. YEAH. i’ll admit it. that line HITS. 

- from chapter 4:

He sets his phone down - only, he doesn’t. He misses the table by a mile, and in his scramble to catch his phone before it breaks on the hardwood floor and wakes Momo on the cushion beside him, his hand finds the lip of his cereal bowl, and then that’s falling, too. He manages to catch the phone, but something in his head gets lost in translation on its way down his arms, and he ends up with a boxers-only lap full of soggy Cheerios.

Momo gets a splash of milk on his back and hisses at Zuko for his crimes, and somehow that’s the worst part of it.

haley @fruitysokka said that this passage reads like an action movie and i think about it all the time. (thank u haley i love u)

- lastly this extended metaphor from chapter 6:

The soup is good, once the heat of it clears him up enough to taste it. It’s thick and warm and there’s enough pepper that Sokka gets a kick from it even in his condition. He feels it all the way down his throat and into his stomach, where it mixes with the prickly nervousness he’s feeling from Zuko’s attention.

He sets the bowl down on the table and asks, eyes stuck on his hands in Momo’s fur where he’s climbed into his lap, “How was the date?”

“It was good, actually,” Zuko says. “Jet seems like a nice guy. He’s very - uh - passionate, I guess you could call it? He’s a climate and human rights activist.”

The spines of Sokka’s nervousness turn to daggers.

...

“I said yes. We’re getting lunch on Sunday.”

The daggers are swords now, and Sokka’s heart sinks down, down, down, right to the hilt.

...

“I’ll text you when I’m home,” Zuko promises, and Sokka’s heart skewers itself on a second sword.

Zuko’s smile when Sokka says, “Thank you for the soup,” is a third.

The door closing behind him is a fourth.

The silence as Sokka shuffles back to bed is every single one that remains.

something something canon swordsmen something pride comes before the fall something chivalry fell on his sword from eden by hozier. you guys get it i dont have to explain myself

8. favourite dialogue in your WIP?

ok so i cant share my actual favourite dialogue bc it's a spoiler for chapter 8 and i technically haven't written it yet (it's in my brain just.....plaguing me) but it's GOOD i SWEAR so. once again i have more than one answer bc actually? i love this fic and im proud of it. deal with it.

- from chapter 1:

“Hey, stranger,” Sokka says, still watching him in the mirror. The corner of Zuko’s mouth ticks up.

“You’re not following me, are you?” Zuko’s tone is seductive, endlessly so, and Sokka wonders while he dries his hands if he has to put it on or if he just sounds like that.

“You give a guy one compliment and he thinks you’re stalking him,” Sokka mutters, and Zuko laughs, low and enticing. Not the genuine, endearing laugh of this morning, but one with an agenda.

Well. Sokka always likes a plan.

“Are you following me? ” Sokka asks. He spies a miraculous dry patch on the sink bank and tries to be casual about the way he hops up to sit on it.

“I might be,” Zuko says, and at Sokka’s raised eyebrow, he continues, “I saw you at the bar and I wanted to talk to you. Sue me.”

“You wanted to talk.”

“Amongst other things.”

as a chronically awkward person i am INSANELY proud of the flirting in this fic. no idea if it would work in a real life situation. excited to never find out bc im not about to use lines from my fanfiction on real women. 

- from chapter 2

“You must be Suki,” Zuko says. He meets her gaze, and his fingers go still under Momo’s chin.

“And you’re Zuko,” Suki replies, her smile all different shades of intimidating. “I’d shake your hand, but I know where it’s just been.”

i wrote this entire scene just so i could have suki say this. im not even joking. suki is my favourite part of this entire fic and its not even ABOUT her.

- from chapter 3:

When Sokka crosses the room and slips under the covers beside him, Zuko says, “I can leave, if you want. I can go home.”

...

He asks, still barely hovering over Zuko, “What if I don’t want that?”

Zuko swallows. “I can stay.”

“So stay,” Sokka says, and lays his head down on Zuko’s chest.

i just think it’s sweet. i like it a lot. makes my heart hurt a little when i think about it. 

- from chapter 4:

[Suki // 15:13] there is a LOT of chmpagrjn

[Suki // 15:13] cahpmhagne

[Suki // 15:13] chsanpghn

[Suki // 15:14] alcohol :)

once again: suki is the best part of this whole fic. i love her so much. she is the reason the word bestie exists. im really proud of the texting in this fic bc it’s my first time actually including it in fic and it’s turned out really well!!

- ok last one bc i just realised this is turning into a novel. from chapter 4:

“How’s my baby?”

Zuko glances down at Momo, batting at the untied laces of his shoes with one determined paw. “He’s doing just fine.”

“And how’s Momo?”

“He’s - what?”

are there better written, more narratively important and emotive lines in this fic? yes. is this the best part of the entire thing? also yes. i invented the jin/yue wedding because i needed a reason for zuko to have a key in what became chapter 6, but sometimes i think the entire fic exists just for this exchange. best dialogue i have ever written.

9. what scene was the hardest for you to write and why?

the start of chapter 6 of aidays was difficult. i kept wanting to skip ahead to the meaty parts - i.e, zuko and his soup - but i didn’t want to do sokka a disservice like that. it was also really hard to maintain the balance of accurately describing the delirium of illness while still being coherent for the reader? so that took me a couple of days to get right.

[dreaming-of-assclass]

Dont know if your still want asks, but what about more on Irina Cival War? Some points you want to talk about but havnt gotten to? Or maybe what about just stuff about the class 3-E teachers plus Aguri? What mischief is brought about by them?

I love the 3-E faculty so much. I’ll make a separate post for them in the future, someone please remind me UwU. Here’s one I made a while ago, though!

Oooh so about Civil War:

I’m currently still working out the “plot” and the order of the attacks, like who gets who out.

But someone else ( @heavenlyfury ) brought up the advantage that Red Team has in this version... like a massive advantage since Karma, Isogai, Hayami, and Nagisa are on the same team...against Irina.

Now is a good time to tackle this.

I think the concept of Civil War alone allows for an expansion on every individual’s abilities, and what they contribute to the class. Like in canon, we saw many of the students we formally deemed “average” to show their talents and surprise everyone.

In this AU, I don’t think Karma would take the reins alone as strongly as he did in canon. Like I don’t know if this makes sense, but it doesn’t hit him as personally? Karma just wants to guarantee his classmate’s safety, and recieve an acknowledgement that their trust was broken, as a collective whole.

I think Isogai would definitely be more of a leader this time around, like not just as a harmonious one. No, this man would go full commander, but still in a fair way, of course. He’s a cooperative person, but this whole thing hits close to home. He wouldn’t really get the chance to do his own personal attacks on anybody though. He would be more strategic and relegate people to different tasks, make plans, etc.

In this scenario, I feel like Nagisa and Sugino would be too upset to think as clearly as they did in canon. Neither of them are leader candidates in this AU, even though they certainly can be great leaders. They do take out a couple people each, and Nagisa does get to show off his assassin talent. But he is unable to progress because he gets taken out...by Kayano.

Now on the other team:

We have some aces here too. Don’t worry, they won’t be going down without a fight. The ones that come to my mind are Kataoka, Okano, Kayano, Kanzaki, Chiba, and Maehara.

A group of people who either specialize in close-combat, or long-range assasinations.

In this AU (aka my brain) Kanzaki and Okano especially get to show off their insane talent more. They’re not the cuties they are in canon, they’re way more badass and cutthroat. I really want to emphasize on Okano’s full-body strength and climbing capabilities, as well as the stealth potential with her. For Kanzaki, I just want her to go wild and show off her skills, especially the ones gained from video games.

Nakamura is also on this team, and we can’t forget, this girl is just as sharp and sly as Karma can be. She was his right-hand man in canon for a reason. Now in this AU, they’re going against each other and I love it. A battle of the wits. She definitely takes on the role of being strategist for their team.

Of course, Kataoka is leader. And she is a total badass, determined to lead her team to victory.

Oh, I almost forgot my girls Yada and Kurahashi! I absolutely would love to include a moment somewhere in this AU where they use their acting skills to dupe a member of the other team and get a kill in.

Before I forget to mention this, Kayano also gets a moment to show off some strength. But before she does, there might be a semi-emotional confrontation scene between her, Nagisa, and maybe Sugino. She’s the one to take them both out, I’m thinking.

And it’ll all end in a sniper showdown between Chiba and Hayami.

Basically, it seems as though there’s a big difference in strength between the teams, but there sorta isn’t. Both teams have their strengths, and they know how to cleverly use them. That said, the Blue Team is definitely still seen as underdogs in the beginning. But they quickly turn the tides around.

Hnnnn this AU is lacking the “big picture” kind of vibe that was in canon, and I feel kinda bad about that. There’s a lot more emphasis on inter-connected issues, and personal dynamics at hand. But I still love those a lot, and I think they deliver a different type of drama in writing, one that’s just as important in my opinion.

Thank you for the ask!!