#who even cares abt the job stuff anymore i got this now

[carcarrot]

some days you just have to appreciate the comedy of life

[nomairuins]

whining hours . sry

[choking-on-ice]

South Park College Headcanons

I lost power for most to the day today, so I sat at a coffee shop and just killed time writing down headcanons for every SP character I could think of.

there's alot of them, but hopefully somebody out there finds these fun

Butters

Gender fluid / non-conforming

Saved up enough to move into dorms away from their parents

Autistic and very gullible still

has learned to stand up for themself and their friends better

Got fed up in senior year and spiked Cartman's drink w/ laxatives and locked him outside at a house party

Ppl secretly fear them a lil after that

Kept their baby face and a bit of chub

Still plays for Stan's death metal band

has a strange relationship w/ Kyle (who's grappling w/ some denied queerness)

still an absolute sweetheart

drinks at parties and smokes w/ friends, even tho everyone assumes they dont

their parents still totally suck

Kenny

revolving door of jobs cuz he gets bored easily, but is always selling weed on the side

Ran into more drug problems through highschool after his troubles cheesing

Went to rehab with Tweek and Stan, got clean, and is closer to them than ever before now

Butters stood by him at the peak of his addiction and now he would (and probably has) jump in front of a bullet for him

Joined the robotics club in HS

Pursuing an engineering degree w/ an academic scholarship

Still works as Mysterion, just w/out the undies over his pants

thinks it's funny to cockblock his friends

is kind of a player, but not a dick abt it

flirts alot, thinks it's fun to flirt w/ Tweek and Butters bc they never grew immune to his BS like the others

the idea of one of them reciprocating any flirting is terrifying to him tho

cuz he has a massive inferiority complex and lives in denial that he has real romantic feelings for anyone

ultimate rizz

Stan

Still fronts his death metal band

hopeless romentic

Bonded w/ Tweek over their crappy home lives when Tweek starts delivering to Tegridy Farm

Grew closer w/ Kenny when he found out he was in the same rehab program as him and Tweek

stronk farmboy, also p tanned which juxtaposes his alt style

Opens up to smoking weed in college now that he's sober

emotionally intelligent

NOT emotionally communicative / available tho

bottles stuff up

only knows how to vent when drunk, then later thru music

Kyle

jaded w/ a chip on his shoulder

prone to knee jerk reactions

throws hands at the drop of a hat

usually throws the first punch

kept playing sports after hs - football in college and basketball recreationally

did debate w/ wendy in HS

still bffs with stan, even tho they dont have many shared hobbies anymore

Craig

autistic

rizzless

doesn't rlly need game tho cuz he's only had eyes for Tweek, and Tweek's a mess

monotone + flat expression intimidates some people

has rep of being an asshole, it's only half true

is considered rebellious, but he just sees it as doing what he wants to do not what other ppl want him to

slow to anger, has never thrown the first punch

grew up to be tall and broad like his father at his age

his dad pushed him into playing football, after HS he only plays bc his friends are on the team and doesn't care much about winning

likes old school indie music, underground shows, and obscure bands, isn't pretentious about it tho

when Kenny tells him about the Tweek's drugging Tweek (and the rest of town) he loses it and has to get talked down from strangling Mr Tweek

Tweek

autistic + adhd

loves deathmetal, hardstyle EDM, death rap, and hardcore music in gen

bonds w/ Stan in late HS as he makes deliveries for the coffee shop up to the farm

Kenny and him are acquainted since Kenny delivers ingerdients to the shop

loves fantasy - LoTR, D&D, etc.

Trans FtM (cuz i am and i project onto my faves lol)

Finds out from Craig and Kenny that his parents have been drugging him w/ meth in the coffee since he was a child

spirals after this and has trouble trusting people, questioning everything and everyone in his life

becomes rlly close w/ Kenny and Stan when they all attend rehab together

moves out before HS even ends, couch surfing for the summer until he can move into the dorms

sobering up lets him gain some weight and he begins to look less sickly

I have more on the other characters, but I have arthritis and typing this much killed my fingers already. Hope u enjoyed if u got this far

[wendytestabrat]

why c&k are BOTH narcissists (FROM THE VAULT [i’m guessing 2021])

UPDATE 2024: it amazes me when people will be like “kyle isn’t a narcissist!1!1!” 😩 just bc he doesn’t act exactly like cartman and bc he has empathy. like bitch not all narcissists lack empathy, that’s only ONE npd symptom in the dsm-5. i think most narcissists actually do have empathy (and in my opinion the narcissists who are empaths are wayy more nauseating to be around than the ones who lack it LMAO bc the empathetic narcissists know how to weaponize emotions against u and shit). honestly lack of empathy is seen a lot more commonly in sociopathy/psychopathy than it is in narcissism. or like when bitches try to defend or justify kyle for blowing up canada by saying “he isn’t like cartman bc he felt bad after!1!1” 😫 LOL SO WHAT?! i don’t give a shit that kyle felt remorse after he did that, it was still a shitty unforgivable thing to do that he shouldn’t have done in the first place. kyle feels bad after he does shitty things all the time yet he still repeats the same problematic behavior and never learns from it soooo. i feel like covert narcissism is becoming more widely talked abt now especially after that line in taylor’s song anti-hero “did you hear my covert narcissism i disguise as altruism like some kind of congressman” but yeah i was wayy ahead of my time talking abt this shit before that song LOL. i also feel like a lot of covert narcissists end up as therapists too which is why kyle was shown to be a therapist in the future. that’s honestly why i don’t trust therapists anymore bc i’m convinced the majority of them are just covert narcissists who get a sick kick out of seeing u helpless so they can preach their advice at you to put themselves on a pedestal lol. i’ve had a couple good therapists so i’m sure not all of them are like that and some are genuinely caring people, but the majority of therapists i’ve seen i got this icky feeling from them like they were using my pain and suffering to feel better abt their own shitty lives. bc like no one would choose a career where they get to listen to people’s problems all day unless that person had some fucked up issues themselves lol. i remember years ago i thought i wanted to be a therapist when i used to be an annoying overly empathetic nosy bitch like kyle LOL which was why i took a bunch of psychology and child development classes and now i’m stuck with a useless 2 year degree in that shit that i didn’t even want but that’s a whole story for another day. i don’t want a job where i have to listen to people’s problems all day no thank you 🤮 that subplot in the panderverse special where randy and the other dads were lashing out at colleges for giving them a degree they can’t do shit with hits HARD for me lol. college is an overrated scam i don’t make the rules i enforce them.

don’t get me wrong i think college can be a great thing which is why i loved it, but like only if you can take specific classes to acquire certain skills u need at that time. the whole system where u are rushed to pick one major and get a degree in only that thing is complete bs and doesn’t do SHIT for you. it should be about LEARNING stuff not getting a piece of paper that shows u did.

[mazzystargirl]

ok living up to pinned post w some true confessions/dark secrets… so basically after i tried to kms in 2021 fall and went to the hospital i entered a really intense slut era and like started impulsively spending money and stuff too and i didnt have a job so i was like oh omg having a sugar daddy would work out really well for me and also i wanted to do things that would be like damaging or whatever idk why i did it rly. but anyway i engaged in some sugar baby behaviors. and then that winter break i went home from school and met up w some of my friends who ive known since i was a kid. now i have to give a little bit of context here cuz its important. so i have these 3 friends, one of whom ive known since i was 3 years old (N) and the other two since i was like 7 (S and J). and we all live in a very tight knit neighborhood/cultural community where mostly everyone knows everyone. and so my 3 friends parents know my parents. i guess you can see where this is going… but anyway i told them i had a sugar daddy or like it came up in conversation idk. and that was that. then literally the following AUGUSTTTT my mom comes to me and is like oh so some people in the neighborhood have been saying that you’ve been engaging in risky behaviors with older men and that youve been meeting them in hotels. so obviously i denied it very emphatically and tried to pry out who tf she heard that from and honestly i was like what like who could have even spread that and she said J’s mom told her and was lowkey rly cagey about it bc she didnt want to “break her daughter’s trust” and had asked other aunties about the situation like wtfff… and then i remembered i had mentioned to them over winter break so she must have fucking told her mommmm. i decided to assume best intent and chose to believe she was worried abt me and thats why she told her mom so i messaged her like hi did u tell ur mom abt this and i appreciate ur concern but i would have appreciated it if maybe u came to me directly and checked on me it would have been better and u lowkey hurt my feelings cuz now im stressed and anxious and don’t know whos saying what abt me etc etc. and then…

she fucking LIEDDDDD she said she didnt say anything to her mom AND that her mom didnt say anything to my mom!?? which i know is fucking bullshitttt 😭 like it makes 0 sense like if no one said anything is my mom just pulling shit out of the air and if she was how would she land straight on the money like that it just doesnt add up. so i was like um ok ?? uh have a good day. and decided to let it go and i lowkey don’t speak to her anymore and i told N and S that im not speaking to her but they can hang out w her if they want. and i forgot abt it.

but now i just moved back home after finishing school and its lowkey been eating away at me. it hurts me that she was my friend for 13 years and its all up in flames and i never got any closure or an apology or even her to admit or acknowledge the situation?? it hurts me to be at home worried abt what people are saying or thinking about me. i know i shouldnt care but what other people think of me bothers me. im not ashamed of myself and my choices but i don’t want other people to think less of me. i don’t want to reach out to her bc what if she doesn’t care at all about the situation ??? i don’t want to be like this has been eating at me forever and it really hurt me and her to be like what r u talking about i don’t think about you at all. she also just got into med school and im happy for her for real like glad shes doing well its just like. she hurt my feelings really bad :(

anyway if you read this far… what should i do 🥲 is the only path forward trying to let go… tbh i think i just need someone to validate my feelings like am i right to be hurt or is it all my fault and should i beg for forgiveness 😭 like my friend N got coffee w her a couple weeks ago and brought it up to me twice what does that even meannnn

[a-preferable-alternative]

vent / thought train incomming (chuu chuu)

I think the only reason I want to experience getting loved so badly is because nothing has a worth for me anymore, yk?

Money: nah

My life: nah

Family: nah

Stuff: ehh (i like the small joy of getting stuff and putting it in my shelf but I doubt that the material worth matters to me)

The only thing I actually care abt are my friends and getting them happy through drawings and other small presents (cuz deep down i feel like thats all i can give them) and shit (cuz idfc abt money i just want them happy)

Maybe cuz i reflect these emotions? I feel happy when someone I like is happy... saying it like that makes it kinda disgusting lmao

"getting loved" is the next level of "getting liked" (I guess, at least my brian thinks so). This kind of affection is the only thing I want to experience because deep down I idolize it so much as "the only thing that will truely make and also keep me happy" cuz its like a 24/7 job. I always wished for a couple of irl friends to do shit with and yea... now I finally got them and think I cant go without them anymore.

And I dont like being alone due to the thoughts... It takes forever for me to fall asleep and in my brain, sleeping next to someone might fix that

But I cant start dating the conventional way due to being too autistic / having alexithymia. I don't feel any empathy for most people, sometimes even close friends (which got me into an existencial crisis several times). In hindsight, there were maybe like 5 people in my life who actually inwoked feelings of empathy / pity within me. It seems almost random who I'm having these feelings towards to. It's not a "oh, maybe you'll develope these feelings after time", no, they come either pretty quickly after getting to know that person or not at all... Even if I like someone, that doesnt mean that I'm feeling with them if they're sad / something bad happens to them. I often think "yeah if that person would die, I wouldnt feel a thing"...

I can't just go around looking for people until i find someone who I'm randomly having empathy for because it would probably take me decades. But I also dont want to pretend that I'm having emotions for someone just to experience getting loved, thats not the point.

Finding someone who is okay with my weird, excentric, asexual, autistic, disabled ass is a whole different topic...

I crave for something idealistic I will never have and its killing me

[spongebob-connoisseur]

abt the stuck in the wringer ask, if mr. enter meant him overreacting to the joke as a joke in itself then i don't know why he felt the need to say the writer's don't deserve jobs anymore like huh? i mean yeah the episode blows but is it really that big of a deal?

Tbh I don't get it either. I'll be honest I haven't watched that video in years so I'm going off memory. He was very harsh and he acted shocked that his fan base actually went after the writers while he was saying "these writers don't deserve jobs" "these writers should've never been born". Regardless of if he was exaggerating or if he genuinely meant it. I feel like if you have a sizable fan base then you should be more careful with what you say, and that especially since this all lead to death threats to the writers. I am surprised he didn't see it coming.

Ngl I am astounded by the way the SB fan base acts. I get it's because its so large so you get all kinds of people in there, but also sometimes it feels weird to get so overblown with stuff you don't like. I feel this way about cartoon fandoms in general but I don't watch as much cartoons as I used to.

I'm not guiltless either since I started off watching Mr. Enter's Spongebob reviews when I was in middle school😭😭😭 I fell out of interest with the show during that time and I guess I was more looking into a reason why I don't like the middle seasons anymore, "cuz they're bad, writers ruining it, etc". I look back on it now and find it ridiculous. I still don't like the middle seasons and I definitely had my fair share of trash talking it, even on this blog years back. I just don't agree with it as much anymore. There's plenty of reasons why they turned out like that (budget issues, experimenting and trying to keep up with the style of humor that was popular then, simple preferences, etc). They don't deserve the hate they got and the writers ABSOLUTELY deserved better than the shit the fanbase has given them.

Eh but the discussion of Spongebob is still fun to me. I think those negative cartoon reviewers weirdly was what got me back into the show because I actually had to sit down and rewatch the show again which made me fall in love with the show again, and now I am turning 24 tomorrow and I'm realizing that my current Spongebob obsession streak has been going on for 10 years now <3

I find it ironic with how it started since I refused to care for anything beyond the first three seasons and now I'm the biggest fan of the modern show plus the spinoff The Patrick Star Show. AND have a favorite character who ISN'T spongebob. Opinions change.

I just wish the way the fandom function would also change. The ghosts of those cartoon reviewers still echo on :((

[artfartt]

I have news!

I made 3 new aus!

But dw I didn’t forget abt the book thingy au

Tw: bright colors for the last one, and lots of reading

1st au (going from most recent)

So the magic rabbit au. Max is a magician that’s in need of a assistance and Sam is a dog man in need of a job, what perfect match! Sam always wanted to be a magician, but he was horrible at it, but Max never gave up on him. Max never gotten too attached to anyone, but Sam was something different, but of course because I’m writing it Max believes that this shouldn’t be allowed, so they just go on with their acts. Since Max has a bad reputation with other magicians, they get into some “freelance trouble” like being tied up on a spinning wheel and letting little kids throw axes at them /hj. Max does rethinks his feelings, but I’m not sure if he ever confesses to him since I came up with this yesterday, but he does go over Sam’s house so much they practically live together, so yeah.

2nd au

In The love doctor au, Max has every type trauma you can imagine (main character moment). He’s a sad, unemployed, lifeless soul. While watching tv one day, he comes across an ad about a nonprofit organization that helps cure people called ‘The love doctors’. He finally decides to go there after been told to go there by his therapist several times and was partnered with Sam. Sam worked day and night to help him. At first, Max was hesitant and uncooperative, but the more they go one the more he realizes that he likes Sam. Once he got cured, he got too attached and decided to cheat his way into staying with Sam more. In the end Sam finds out about the crush and Sam and Max now live together. Max taking care of the house, and Sam helping out patients. Every now and then, Max finds hisself sad at home, but Sam can easily cure him.

3rd (and final)

I wanted to redraw this since it was made a whole month ago so here’s the original

In the toy prince au they live in a society where they’re different regions that belong to certain kings and queens (and they’re all toys). Sam is the prince of “The Aces” (one of a few colonized lands) but soon has to make his choice on who will be his spouse. And because this is Sam we’re talking, he’s looking forward to marrying someone. Max is an orphan picked off the streets when he was little, and was chosen to be the royal jester. Ever since then Sam and Max has been best friends, but Max’s friendship for Sam has grown stronger over time. A bit too strong. Once the day comes for Sam to choose his wife, his mother breaks the news that he’ll be marrying princess ‘Queen Cat-toy’ (yes that’s her name) for treaty purposes with one of the regions. This marriage makes Max jealous because he’s Max, and because he’s afraid Sam won’t hang around him anymore. And that’s when he discovers his feeling for him, but he tries to reject them because “forbidden love” stuff. A few weeks later, Sam’s birthday comes around and he and Max barely talk anymore because Cat-toy needs attention and she keeps dragging Sam everywhere with her. Sam becomes sick of her but he can’t divorce her because she’s crazy and tries to threaten him by planning out a huge war. Because of this Sam realizes that he misses Max, in a way he feels like he shouldn’t. In the middle of the huge birthday party, he sneaks to go take a break from life itself, and Max follows. Max finally decides to speak his feelings and Sam and him decides they’ll be in a royal affair. Princess Queen Cat-toy soon finds out that about this affair and is trying to catch him in the act to get guillotined (I forgot to mention, Max gets sentenced to the guillotine several times because he and Sam like to go out on adventures around the village, and usually Max is the one to get in trouble even if it was Sam’s idea to go in the first place).

Fun fact: this one was inspired and made the same day as The Amazing Digital Circus

[butchyeons]

THE 3MIX FIC… ITS SOOO GOOD 😭😭😭 i really love the au and was wondering.. do you have any picture references on how they look / how you imagine them in the fic? or any hcs? i’m starving for more knowledge on them… 🤍🤍

omg tysm!!! i have sm to say abt this au ah. Ah!!!! i don’t have any picture references but as for hcs in general, here’s some

general stuff:

najeong are in their mid 30s (old to them) and jihyo just turned 30 (old to her)

jihyo is a traveling nurse (obv), jeongyeon is the head foreman of a construction company, and nayeon used to be an elementary teacher before her accident

najeong are high school sweethearts who got married pretty early (their early 20s) while nayeon was still in college. they both just kinda knew they were the one. and then when jihyo showed up, they knew she was also the one

they love each other so much it’s stupid

ok i’ll put the rest under a read more bc this post will probably be super long bc i rlly have. so much to say abt this au it’s crazy!!!! i rlly love the three of them so bad

jihyo:

as for appearances, i guess she’s like… imagine the futchest picture if jihyo ever but take away the boobs LMAO she hasn’t had surgery (she wants it, but it’s just a lot of recovery time) yet. she’s gotten some ffs, which was A Lot on her so she’s nervous abt doing anything else

she’s the shortest of the three- which pisses her off but najeong loves it abt her

she is on the autism spectrum just undiagnosed

she has a lot of sensory issues, esp when it comes to food or clothing

she has a weighted blanket that she uses a lot- she brings it with her when she has to go out on call. she doesn’t need it at home bc nayeon and jeongyeon always cuddle her while she sleeps so she’s good

her love language is touch! she’s almost always attached to najeong when she’s home. it’s shocking to her how much she loves physical contact with them, because she was mostly touch repulsed before they got together

her favorite food ever is kimchi stew (more specifically the one nayeon makes), so they eat it a lot while she’s home

she loves her job a lot even if it’s stressful sometimes. she had always wanted to be a nurse and to work with kids, so she loves getting to do it. she has a rlly strong desire to help people

she doesn’t talk to her family much anymore. sometimes her parents will message her to check in. they don’t even know about her relationship with najeong- and jihyo probably won’t ever tell them

she doesn’t experience a lot of dysphoria anymore. at first, she really did. but over the years it’s gone away- najeong take such good care of her and reassure her so much that it helped her a lot. she’s doing the best mentally that she has been in a really long time thanks to those two

she was much more femme when she first met najeong. but over time she became a futch- the clothes are just more comfortable. najeong don’t hold her to a single expectation when it comes to how she presents, so she doesn’t hold herself to one anymore either

she chose to take estrogen shots over pills because they were weekly. the pills were daily and she knew she might not always remember to take them. nayeon helps her with them now. jihyo isn’t scared of needles by any means, but she really appreciates having someone there with her. sometimes jeongyeon is there too, but her work schedule has her out of the house early so she’s not there all the time (as much as she wishes she could be)

jeongyeon:

she’s the tallest of the three. she has short hair- short on the sides but kinda long on the top (nayeon actually cuts it for her!). her skin is also pretty tan from working outside all the time. she’s also got a lot of scars from where she’s accidentally hurt herself at work LMAO she can be kinda clumsy. she’s got a stocky build, but it’s mostly muscle. she likes her tummy fat though. she calls herself a little bear

nahyo have to Fight her to put on sunscreen. she insists she doesn’t need it but they still force her to put it on every morning

she bathes like a man. uses bar soap on her damn face with no skincare routine. used to use two in one shampoo/conditioner before she met jihyo. but of course she’s the one with the best skin out of all of them

she likes to tease and play around a lot but it’s her way of showing she loves them

her love language is acts of service. she does most of the heavier tasks around the house. jihyo helps, too, but it’s mostly jeongyeon. she refuses to let nayeon lift a finger most days- and she was like that long before the accident. she can be that way with jihyo, too- but jihyo is so stubborn and will do shit even if jeongyeon insists she can do it

she runs hot. her body is so warm and she sweats so damn much that she has to take two showers a day (which is probably why, despite everything, her skin is so clear)

she secretly has been wondering about going on t. she’s always struggled with feeling a disconnect to her body (nahyo knows this), and she thinks being on testosterone would alleviate some of that. she’s perfectly okay with getting called masculine terms- in fact she kind of prefers them. her gender rlly is just butch, and she takes a lot of pride in it. but testosterone rlly appeals to her. this might get explored in a future fic!!

she’s never shaved a day in her life LMAO and that will probably never change. nahyo loves it about her. she has a natural happy trail

she can be bad about bottling her emotions up. usually she’s the “strongest” of the three- she rarely cries, and when she does it gets the other two worked up. her biggest flaw is that she struggles with communication sometimes. she doesn’t like being too vulnerable, but she’s working on it

she went to trade school right out of high school- she couldn’t afford college, plus she’s always liked working with her hands. she loves her job even if it’s hard. she has a lot of energy despite how much she uses every day

she wants to seem so tough and scary but rlly she’s a giant softie. only for her girls though. but she also isn’t afraid to get physical with anyone who threatens them. in high school she spent a lot of time in detention because she would get into fights over nayeon so often

nayeon:

i’d say she looks closest to how she did during more & more if you just added a few years of age on her, lmao. she keeps her hair at her shoulders. she looks good for her age though! a lot of people mistake her for being the youngest of the three

she’s partially disabled due to the accident. she’s actually on a form of disability because of it. she can’t stand for long periods of time without being in pain- her leg was broken so bad that they were even considering removing it if the surgeries didn’t go well. it basically had to be rebuilt. she still struggles a bit with mobility, especially standing up. sometimes she has to use a cane. her joints bother her when it rains, and she takes meds for it

she’s really scared of driving now. even though the accident wasn’t her fault and nothing could have been done to stop it, she’s still scared. so she stays home a lot. when she gets exceptionally stir crazy, the three of them will go out to the park that’s down the road from their house. since she’s still scared of cars, she only goes out if jeongyeon or jihyo is driving- after a lot of convincing

she’s been diagnosed with ptsd because of it, and she struggles with it sometimes. she has nightmares about it a lot

jeonghyo love to spoil her omfg. jihyo especially buys her a lot of gifts (jeongyeon lowkey hates gifts, but she shows her love in a lot of other ways). she is literally their princess- and she can be a spoiled brat but they adore that about her

she’s been considering doing online teaching again. since she recovered, she spends a lot of time at the house. she usually does the basic tasks- laundry, light cleaning, cooking. she’s the self proclaimed housewife and she really loves it! but she rlly misses teaching a lot

her love language is words of affirmation. she is very communicative, always telling jeonghyo just how much she loves and cares about them.

her meds make her a heavy sleeper. she nods off a lot without meaning to.

she was actually the one who noticed jihyo first. she had her eyes on her the entire night- kept talking about her to jeongyeon. they’d never done anything like it before, but when they saw jihyo, they knew they couldn’t let her leave without saying something. and we all know how that worked out

she loves singing. oftentimes she’s singing or humming to herself. she has a rlly pretty voice, and jeonghyo love to listen to her sing

she would actually love to have kids, but she never could. her and jeongyeon actually did try in vitro, but it ended as a miscarriage- which was how she found out she couldn’t have kids. it was hard for her. jeongyeon even offered to try and carry- but nayeon knew she didn’t want to, and didn’t want to put her through that. they’ve talked about adoption a few times. jihyo is up for it, but with her job it would be hard for her to always be present in their kids life. plus since nayeon’s accident, it would be even more difficult for her to raise a baby. now that they’re older, it’s more of a passing fun thought. for now, they’d love to get a dog or cat (which might also be a future fic)

ok phew i’ll cool it for now. i have nsfw hcs of them too LMAO so if you’re interested in that too just lmk and i’ll make another post. tysm for asking about this, i’m rlly attached to this au already and i’d love to talk about it more!! i’m sure i’ll write more for them in the future

[svturn-exe]

more re hc stuff ^_^ under cut bc i am just pasting in stuff i've already said on disc to a friend and some of this shit gets Long

👍wesker. has been conditioned to be impatient. if he wants something, he has to get it himself and can't wait for someone else to do it for him

william is way too anxious of a guy to make the first move, so wesker is the one who interrupts him mid sentence and goes I Want You apropos of nothing but hey, it works

if wesker wants someone to stop touching him, he has to Make them. and in the process that stops most people from Trying Him for a while. until the next idiot comes along

if wesker wants the experiments and mutilation to stop, he has to Kill the bastards responsible (perfectly reasonable, ngl. like actually)

and i imagine. killing marcus probably has wesker feeling good. great. amazing, even. like finally things are starting to maybe go well for him

and then having that blow up in his face when, for the first time, his award winning Go Getter attitude backfires badly, and he loses Everything in less than a month.

the remainer of stars want nothing to do with him - understandable, he did have to kill quite a few of them to make the (messy, rushed, impatient) plan work. but still failed in the end (so they sorta died for nothing)

chris wouldn't join him either, for reasons wesker doesn't understand (and won't for some time. his world view is a little skewed and his frame of reference is non existent)

and william is dead. because wesker couldn't wait to carry out the plan like they had discussed umbrella found out about their betrayal and now wesker is Alone

xx

👍claire joined the girl scouts bc she wanted to do wilderness shit, but got disappointed bc its mostly selling cookies. so she dressed up as a boy and used her brother's name to get into boyscouts and got every badge girlie is a survivalist and she goes hiking and camping frequently !!!

xx

👍thinking about ada and in-universe applications of the leon effect. spies, as in Real Life Spies, don't tend to have legal identities, and if they give you a name, chances are it's a fake one. so. headcanon time ada wong is not ada wong's birth name like, even without the trans headcanon. it's a name she came up with for the job wesker assigned her to do in raccoon city, in the event that she needs to give someone a name for whatever reason. and maybe she only really tells it to leon in the first place to get him to stop asking so many questions. give him the bare minimum to distract him from the more . Relevant. issues but then as this bright-eyed, stupidly trusting rookie tails her, even tells her off to being too calloused with kendo, and going as far as taking a Bullet for her. the way leon says that fake name starts to mean More . and it's as she's falling to her death that she realizes maybe ada isn't so fake of a name anymore. maybe she is ada wong and then some time after wesker plucks her from midair and they get out of the city she decides to say hey. i'm going by ada now

and ofc he pretends not to care, but he is curious about what happened to spark the change.

xx

👍the wallflowers - one headlight is a claida song specifically about like . leon made ada want a name. but claire makes her want to be a Person, instead of a half-real shadow of a human being that sheds everything about herself for every new job

ada goes into raccoon city that day as a half-real nobody with a mission, and emerges from its ashes as Someone

xx

👍thinkign abt aeon . their dynamic has a lot of potential either as a romantic ship or a burgeoning friendship

the delicate balance of tentative trust between them

ada, who was taught how to tell a near-perfect lie before she could do long division & has never wanted to - or had the opportunity to - hold onto something for very long. Permanent just hasn't been a Thing in her life since… ever

leon, who has been fucked over and betrayed more times than he can count. distrustful and wary but despite it all still tender-hearted. gets attached too quickly and too easily and all too desperate to see the best in people

smth abt. ada doing her best to try and regain leon's trust, and how to navigate life outside of being a spy. and leon having to relearn how to trust ada again, and not jump to the worst conclusion immediately and also they're t4t

[nomairuins]

and also it doesnt even matter if i miraculously get a job tmrw bc we don't have a car . and im too out of shape to walk anywhere bc everything is far away . so i genuinely dont jnow what to do

[cheemken]

Some more body swap au stuff bc the angst for this is dope hahah

Abt Cynthia this time cans y'all believe it hahaha

Anyways

So while drawing I was thinking of notes to add for more info and such, and then I got to Cynthia and Wallace and like, man

Cynthia being grateful that Wallace has long hair so she can still hide her left eye. It's odd for her. She's not used being able to see w her left eye again, then again, it's Wallace's body. His body was healthier, sturdier, he wasn't blind on one eye, he didn't have scars on his face. And it was,, she wasn't used to it yknow, she wasn't used to not feeling phantom pains or any kind of pain really, she wasn't used to actually having good eyesight anymore. Like, looking in the mirror, she sees everything; she sees how flawless Wallace skin is, sees how well maintained his hair was, could feel how soft it was, his body was built, and that was to be expected really as he's juggling three jobs he has to keep fit. It was weird for Cynthia, but old habits die hard as they say, and she brushed her? His? Hair to the left side, covering her left eye, she thinks she doesn't deserve to see w her left eye again.

But then, it's tempting yknow, for once she felt like her body doesn't have to force her to rest, she feels great really hahah. So she finally got dressed, she remembered she has to take care of Lisia. Oh no, she doesn't know how to cook. God that's embarrassing, she always relied on her grandparents' cooking until now, and she did try cooking once but ah, well, let's just say the Celestic Fire Dept had to rush to their home

Shit well, she has to try at least, eggs and bacon are easy to make, even Diantha can make those! And Dia is one of the shittiest cooks within their group

So she tried, really tried.

"uhm.. uncle, is everything alright? You're kinda burning them"

"ah, yeah, I'm sorry! I'm just.. really not feeling that well, if I'm being honest."

"oh, why didn't you just say so? I'll cook for us! You just rest up!"

Cyn was having real ass mixed feelings cause for once, wow Wallace really was a good uncle he taught his niece how to cook, and she was doing great! And on the other hand, wow a child is a better cook than her. They had breakfast, w Cynthia trying to strike up conversation, asking Lisia what she's gonna do, who she's gonna be w, smth her grandparents always ask her and her sister whenever they went out when they were younger. Maybe Wallace would ask the same too. And it seems she was right, for Lisia it was a normal conversation over breakfast, she answered all the questions, even shared some stuff abt her last performance, and Cynthia made comments she thought Wallace would say.

Once that's done, Lisia got ready for her own stuff too, telling Cynthia to just stay home, "just call me if you need anything, uncle! I'll just get some pain relievers when I get home!"

"of course, thank you, you stay safe okay?"

"I will!"

When Lisia finally left, Cynthia rushed back to Wallace's room, looking for his phone or for his pokenav. Maybe Steven was okay, maybe he can help her. When she found it, she scrolled through his contacts, finding Steven's name, and she pressed call.

Two rings, then three, finally Steven answered.

"what?"

That.. Steven doesn't answer like that

"Steven?"

"what are you talking about? It's me, Lance! Wallace, is this you?"

"no, it's Cynthia!"

"...what?"

Cynthia groaned, of all the people Steven could've swapped bodies w, the gods decided to swap him w Lance?? She's starting to believe this was some sort of karma, especially after Lance was starting to ramble on too, going on how he doesn't know where he is, in some kind of cave maybe. Cynthia sighed, telling him to just stay there, she'll get him, and maybe they can figure out what's really going on. Arceus grant her the patience, today was gonna be a long day.

[first-mistake-forever-more]

ive noticed while yr output has slowed down a bit, more shamelessly "inspired" artists have cropped up on ig. im not someone who thinks styles just suddenly are made by one person, but its obvious tht this strain traces back to you. do you care about any of that or feel a pressure to 'claim' the style and not be left behind? or are you someone who just wants to do their best to focus on making what they want, and then leave others to eventually give credit if they want?

Ok finally replying to this one ive had this one on hold here for Like a yr bc my feelings on th matter change all th time but lately it's been a lot of acceptance a& Just like feeling good about it that anything i made was important enough to anyone to make something inspired on it be it blatantly or not im just happy to inspire people like that i still have silly feelings abt it sometimes bc i feel its so ridiculous that id make something so apparently inspiring and appealing for a specific pocket of people on the internet when i was just making art for myself but i guess thats always how it happens right and sometimes but not that often anymore i get angry feelings about it too. I think it's so stupid people way older than me, art students too, just curate what I make and process it into a repeatable format and get clout & sell merch off of this and get job opportunities and become more "popular" than me. I get angry. I get jealous. It's Ok. these feelings are valid and I don't try to repress them but deal w them

DMs w a friend Like oliver shout out @asphaltfchewinggum said :

I don't worry abt that falling off part anymore bc i don't feel i will ever be left behind because im always coming up w new stuff and novel ways of expressing my feelings and ppl still relate to it and get inspired by it a lot as long as i stay true iv only been going up as usual since then. I think i still have very unique things to say so I;ll just dedicate myself to saying them. I think every yr my art becomes more and more unique and apparently appealing but I can't ever say that second one for certain.it doesnt depend on me

☝️some shit from December i didnt finish bc im developing my new style now my new things to say & new truths. Exclusive Leak

an old Pinterest board somebody made inspired by me(didnt even send it to me, it was supposed to be this private curation thing ig) My output slowed down bc since 2021 my life has changed a lot and become a good bit more fulfilling by itsdelf without the need of art, I miss the energy ihad in 2020 of working all day everyday but at th same time this new ifestyle is very fun and iv felt more assured professionaly and emotionally so its all good. 2022 started college and this year im not going anymore ! i didnt Like it and realized it would stunt my growth so i stopped going. Last year I grew a lot las a person and took on new responsibilities and i think it was the beast year of my life .its moments &moments and i think 2023 im working very hard again hopefully bc i got a lot of shit in check.

me yesterday morning looking very ugly almost asleep w some food i went out & groggily bought for my girlfriend. I love her soooo much ... she gives me similar gratification making art gave me but she does it by just existing. Not having to prove anything. I'm happy. I think loving is a form of art. I'm not that good at it but i'm learning. Living is a form of art too. I guess what changed is my life stopped being all about myself

"im still here" and here i remain

[ribbonpinky-art]

feeling melancholic and hopeless again. so im gonna just write out my emotions and none of it correlating. self pity post galore

im thinking about things. life is rough. so stressful. my mental illness is worsening by the day. lots of stuff happens behind the scenes that i choose to not talk about

and what im thinking about now, is that who was once one of my absolute comforts (junko).. im thinking abt that adorable little fumo plush of her i ordered several months ago is just sitting on top of my other plushies.. that i wasn't even excited to have her when she first arrived.

i didn't care.

and that hurt, knowing i didn’t, remembering how much she once meant to me.

same with my Chang’e. i want nothing to do with either of them now. they no longer bring me an ounce of comfort, only dread and remnants of a self indulgent story of kindness that once lifted me up. it all died. feels too idealistic. i feel like im too much of an outcast to let this story exist outside my private circles. i dont even want it anymore, or if i want to ever again

i think as of lately, focusing on oc’s (including ones i havent spoken of yet) has been better for my state of mind

doesnt help that im kiiinda only appreciated for my Junko works!!!! awesome!! i dont want to draw her anymore !!! fml!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! other people are better at drawing her than me anyway, ya wont miss me. lemme focus on my evil lady oc instead...

maybe im being melodramatic, and i do not care. perhaps in a few months i will be enamored with them again? idk. idc either

i feel more disconnected than ever to fandom, when i was seldom a part of any of it in the first place. im that person that exists on the outskirts, not really part of their community. im disconnected to people. i cant make connections with anyone, but i never could .. ok . i could, with a couple folks here and there. im grateful they want me around (not counting my partner of course, theyre the best thing thats ever happened to me. im not just lucky, im fortunate af we met at all)

im aware of my own issues- im autistic, im unmedicated when i probably need meds to regulate my emotions, i live in a toxic family. im triggered terribly easily, and when im hurt, it *hurts*.

 i fear that, because of my strange way of speaking and how a lot of my conversations are stilted, and what i perceive as unusual behavior-- i fear i make other people creeped out/uncomfortable. irl or otherwise. like, maybe ppl will be friendly to me at first, but after a year and i dont say much anything and im just this creepy, quiet weirdo to them now. and thats so silly. whats creepy about me?? im a pint size thing who cant even look anyone in the eye very well. is that creepy?? ok, i struggle to talk sometimes, i might be uninterested in conversation but i dont want to be disliked for it-- idk ((ok i have “Creep” by Radiohead set in my mind because of my mental state, and its kinda funny to me for some reason)

i genuinely feel like i lack intelligence. i suck at thinking. i suck at thinking of words, remembering things, and the tiny mistakes i do make are SO small that it should be impossible to make the mistake in the first place. was i always like this? i feel like i used to be smarter , lol

i am quite literally, a complete failure in my family. i cant stress the truth in that enough. even my grandmother is disappointed in me and only wants to see a text message from me saying i got a worthy job in my field. that only thing that matters to anyone, my one and only point of interest in everyone i speak to in my life even outside my family, is that i dont have a real job. thats it. everyone is waiting for me to be.. someone.

because im no one.

but none of them have been a particularly positive influence in my life, seeing as im stuck here.

i genuinely feel disgusting for existing. my body feels wrong to be in when i am visible to any human being. perhaps even to any animal and bug, too. i dont want to be looked at, to be remembered by anyone who wont understand me

nothing is changing!!!!! and when it is, its worse than before!! why cant i just be brave and GO

..

..

..

not all of this reflects reality. i beat myself up a lot. mirrin knows it. i know it.

it hurts

[felikatze]

ok wait sitting on the arval stuff more (three hopes spoilers riu dni)

also i havent done the arval paralogue bcuz like. on god i'm not replaying this game rn cuz i will get burnout so bad

also this was the recruit byleth route on azure gleam so. again i am NOT replaying immediatly because i like the game but i also like myself.

ok ok so i think arval eventually betraying shez was set up really well actually.

the game does a good slowburn job of setting up that at some point shez just doesn't care abt defeating byleth anymore.

shez and arval initially are united in purpose, partners in destiny, but when shez joins one of the houses and becomes an important commander in a war, their personal revenge starts appearing insignificant to them and is eventually outweighed by their newfound trust and love for their friends.

additionally as they realize the connection arval and their power holds to those who slither in the dark, they grow afraid of their own power. the power they got from arval.

in azure gleam (and other routes similarly, probably) their fear grows so intense after unveiling how much tragedy those who slither brought into their friends' lives that they ask dimitri to strike them down should they ever turn their blade against their friends.

and, yknow, shez themself wouldnt just kill their friends willy-nilly. "if i ever turn my blade on you" actually means "if arval ever turns my blade on you." by making this request they acknowledge the possibility arval would do this.

whereas shez's drive for revenge fades, arval's only intensifies. arval's wrath drives a further wedge between them and shez, who starts to feel horror at arval's intent.

arval likely regained some degree of their memory when byleth went sothis mode, as seen by how fucking mad they got even before truly becoming epimenides again.

so like yeah this plot development was well-foreshadowed. and i think the map where you fight shez slaps. absolutely banger moment.

howeverrrrr. after that. i can accept epimenides banishing the three lords to the shadow realm as a cost-cutting measure because every route needs to resolve the arval plot and it would be hard to justify doing it differently three times so whatever. have a convergence point i dont care.

BUT. arval accepts becoming epimenides as their destiny. "i was always meant to become you," they say. but like? shez doesn't? shez never seems to acknowledge that the arval they know is gone. this is why i expected arval to show up again! bcuz. shez doesnr accept that they are the one who killed arval.

throughout the endgame they will still occasionally reference arval as their friend and like. pretend talk to arval in a more "if you could see me now" type of way but

epimenides makes it pretty clear that they (epimenides refers to themself as a man so did arval legit just forget their own gender? arval has so much transgender swag) don't really value shez and them calling shez their partner in destiny just felt like mockery to be honest. like oh you're not doing what i want so i'm gonna take over your body against your will you peon fuck you. that's the vibe on epimenides.

and then you gotta ask yourself how much arval actually valued shez for them to just become epimenides without a fight? without hesitation? cuz yknow typically in stories like this the power of friendship will snap whoever out of it which is what happens to shez but not to arval. arval just accepts what they've become and they die for it. the end. fin.

again!!! arval accepts this!! shez doesn't! it's such a weird dissonance. ig it's kinda subversive that power of friendship doesn't actually save arval but it still feels like a rugpull.

also suuuuper bad taste in my mouth from the azure gleam ending where like. thales and epimenides and all those slither guys talk about purifying the world from beasts right? reclaiming their rightful home above the surface by killing sothis? and at the end rhea says that she will purify the land by killing those who slither in the dark.

so it's like. both sides r the same. and the implication that sothis is the one who banished the agarthans to shamballah or wherever to let humans live in fodlan instead is. eh. everyone is the hero of their own story ig.

maybe i just dont know enough abt fe3h deeplore (<- has only played blue lions routes bcuz replaying academy phase gave him burnout and he hasnt picked three houses up since)

anyway this is just my experience. and my opinion

tldr: tho arval's betrayal is set-up really good and the first half of it is epic the actual fight against epimenides feels lacking because of how differently shez and arval feel about the situation with no attempt by the narrative to reconcile this dissonance.

[essiekuko]

don’t be a bummer

it’s so apparent now; i have no interests or hobbies or even feelings anymore. it’s like i’m just spiralling downward more and more each day. i’ve lost all that youthful joy i had and i’m only 17. but i guess that’s the norm nowadays. i don’t even care for trends or fitting in. it’s like i have no other interests outside of getting sk1nny. the silence i share between me and my friend grows more every time we talk. and i can’t just rely on people to pull me out the house anymore. but then even when i’m out the house, what am i going to do? i have no other interests nowadays besides the thrill i get from st4rv1ng, and then just being sad, then studying, working, driving. all things i do to survive (besides sh). surviving isn’t a hobby. and i just can’t say i don’t care what others think of me - cause i don’t - but i feel like, since i don’t and there’s no expectations to be met, im too content with my life. it’s like i need trouble to start happening to me again for me to feel like im alive. it’s very unhealthy, i know. music doesn’t feel like an outlet for me anymore, and when i listen to it i just feel bad cause it’s supposed to be making me feel, but i’m not feeling anything. i have too much control, so i’ve already let myself go. life is so boring when ur not idk. struggling ig. but then at the same time, i’m still struggling cause i’m losing my mind by not doing anything. i could just wish i was the introvert friend that got adopted by all the extroverts. but then at the same time - who cares abt all that stuff. life just gets more meaningless as the days go by. it’s like, when u care less and less, nothing matters anymore. i feel like st4rv1ng myself is part of my survival too, cause i’m getting the pretty privilege with it too. u could only get by in life by being pretty, having a job and then a car and a place to live. also kindness, and as much as i sound so uncaring i’m at least kind, because there’s no point in being mean. i have no interests, passions or hobbies. committing crime is like the only fun thing to do. and even then i’m just too exhausted to commit some crimes lmfao. and girlblogging is somewhat of a hobby for me, it’s like my new outlet to replace music. now that i’m listening to summer bummer, it makes me feel better about this whole situation.

i am definitely bipolar because looking back at this post now, i relate to none of it omfg 😭🔫

like ik all feelings are valid, but at this time i was looking into things wayyy too deep cause i haven't left the house in what felt like ages. and i don't see my friend often, so i always get conflicting feelings whenever we meet.

then again, im just reading into it too much

i do have hobbies and interests and passions. and feelings, i do feel

i still need to study my chart ┐(‘～` )┌