#which trust me is quite weird
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I still haven’t understood if I find some people (characters most of the time) attractive or if it’s just gender envy
#i suppose it makes sense bc i’m not sexually attracted almost to anyone so it’s difficult for me to recognise the difference#btw i’m attracted to some actors just bc of their characters’ charm#and i’d never be attracted to them irl#which trust me is quite weird#bc it’s not a real attraction lol#hope someone here knows what i’m talkin about#i was thinking abt this while watching becoming karl lagerfeld#and experiencing gender envy for theo pellerin as jacques de bascher#personal#grey asexual#demisexual#asexual spectrum#aspec#lgbtqia+#queer#queer community#sexuality#becoming karl lagerfeld#theodore pellerin#daniel brühl#karl lagerfeld#jacques de bascher#mailmiocuoredipietratremaancora
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i wish to be your shadow , forever behind you , even if i am not good enough
plus some extra. they are quite literally metal boxes. i wonder how large they are in actually. im assuming human size? i also never realized just how complicated hokma's was.. i think its all the gears
#lobotomy corporation#lobcorp#lobotomy corp spoilers#hokma#hokma lobcorp#ayin#ayin lobcorp#im always worried about ooc but then a realize. IT DOESNT MATTER!!! i want them to hug#but then i think abt it and i dont know how to draw hugs. does it matter? NO!! you can tell what it is . good enough#anyways tagging w ayin is always weird because its not QUITE him (from my understanding im not even done im on day 47(pain))#its a mix of consciousness between a blank slate who processes and feels things in a similar manner but then memories put onto him that --#-- logically are his but even then theyre seperate entetied in a way even still (angela noted this in one of the days cant remember which)#so its like.... x and a put into one . i thinkk where its going w it is that each are different aspects ended up experiencing and processin#this grief and hopelessness in different ways? and then ending up being assigned a name as a reflection of different aspects born of the --#-- character that was the entirety of 'ayin'. different aspects isolated via extreme measures when they are ALL ayin just... yknow extremes#FROM MY UNDERSTANDING DONT CORRECT ME IM NOT DONE!!! IM NOT DONE!!!! ITLL HAPPEN 98 HRS SO FAR TRUST#((well day 47 when i queued this to be posted .. hopefully ill be past that and with a acceptable death count))#(((I did btw what the fuck hatbthe fuck whayt hfbf ck)))#I FROGOY i#x lobcorp
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Ok. Real question. How many people Actually have believed in Santa? Bc I never did, mostly bc my dad never bothered with the entire pretense, so the whole concept is just. Really fucking strange to me
Putting an actual poll bc I feel like I'm losing my mind a bit thinking about how apparently widespread it is. Like. It's just so... weird? Why is this the thing people have popularized? It makes no sense.
#speculation nation#polls#like ok my dad's an atheist raised by jewish parents so xmas has never really been a religious sort of holiday to me#we celebrate it bc it's fun to give gifts and spend time with family#but that's... it.#all the lore and mythos of xmas is just so weird to me#like baby jesus etc etc but now here comes saint nicholas with the steel chair! (breaking into your house to eat your cookies#and leave presents Only for the rich kids! why only the rich ones? uhmmm Dont worry about it!)#genuinely speaking my dad's worked at ups my whole life so growing up he'd say he (and the rest of his coworkers) were the real santas#said as a joke mostly bc theyre the ones Actually delivering the packages#but i took it to heart. told people at school that my dad was the Real santa.#no one believed me lol which i found quite frustrating.#but yeah i have never once in my entire life believed in Santa#and im content with that. it seems like such a stupid thing i will be honest.#'what about the magic of christmas' what about the poor kids who dont get gifts & feel abandoned by this all-powerful man?#in fact why do we Want kids to not think it's their parents giving gifts? they cant thank the right people if we trick them.#it's a convoluted setup that makes absolutely 0 sense to me#trust me christmas had more than enough 'magic' for me as a kid just bc of all the cool lights and all the free gifts#dont need some mythological man who can travel the globe in one night and is a professional in B&E#makes no sense for Real.#there was a time with my ex step siblings where me n my sister were told not to spoil the fun for them#so i had to pretend like santa existed as they opened presents marked from him#and even back then i was just thinking 'this is So Dumb'#this is an anti santa zone i guess. me and myself hate the popularized version of this strange strange belief system.
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the duality of misao being one of the few psychiatrists in arkham that has actually made progress with some of their patients and treats them like human beings, but also someone who does a complete 180° later + EATS her patients and gaslights people who ask about them into thinking they were never committed there is currently making me go feral. like girlll why are you like this JSJSJ
#ALL POWER DEMANDS POWER AND SACRIFICE: musings.#NO SLEEP OF THE INNOCENT. NOT FOR YOU: character study.#and whenever i say it's making me go feral i mean it both puzzling as well as intriguing to me that misao seems to not be on ANYONE'S-#side even when it may seem like she might just care about her patients bc she not only gaslights any of the staff and patients who ask abou#them into thinking that the person was never there BUT also destroys records of them ever having been there which would take quite a bit#of effort on her part to do and that is just. wow but like i said here misao is probably one of the only doctor's throughout the years who-#have treated their patients with empathy (even if most of it is faked on her part JSJSJ) and even does thing's like keep a cupboard-#full of snacks in her office for them so that they could have something better to eat than the cafeteria food...#and that is why i believe that it honestly wouldn't be too far-fetched for misao to end up having a redemption arc because-#she honestly doesn't like a LOT of the staff there because they still advocate for the use of barbaric practices like ECT on fully-#conscious people and as a regular treatment when it should be done under anesthesia / while the patient is asleep and be a 'last resort'#kind of thing you know? plus she has heard them talk about her behind her back before bc they think misao's 'weird' sooo yeah.#she isn't COMPLETELY evil but she still does thing's like eat people which is heinous in and of itself but even more so when there's-#a power imbalance between you + the other person because some people in there i could imagine would probably grow to trust her-#as an authority figure buttt misao would fully intend to take advantage of that so she could eat. and that is uhhh TERRIBLE to say the leas#tw: mentions of cannibalism.#tw: mentions of medical malpractice.#tw: manipulation.#tw: mentions of a power imbalance.
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me: this is too much exposition. you should not directly tell all the time. let dialogue and tone/body language descriptions do some of the work
also me: this isn't exposition it's literally the second paragraph of chapter one you're setting up the plot you gotta drop a little exposition
also also me:
#I go back and forth back and forth back and forth and then I do zero actual writing and it's bed time 🙃#I need to STOP fucking myself up but I can't. I used to trust myself. at least a little. when I'd write.#like I never approached it with a big ego. I was always sick to my stomach when I'd hit 'post' on ao3.#I was always like IS this good though?#but now I can't even get a rough draft out without sabotaging myself which is 🙃🙃🙃🙃#I don't know where this extreme self doubt came from. It's been plaguing me for over a year.#I abandoned 2 massive major wips in the last year that I had poured WEEKS into. FILLED notebooks.#and my self doubt consumed me and I was like I cannot do this. scratched out the notebooks.#deleted the word docs entirely#now I KNOW I have one that's good. I KNOW it is. I KNOW this cause I've thought up the WHOLE fic. all the way to the end#and I wanna read it so bad#and that's how I know like. I got a live one on the line baby#I just. freak out. and quit. and that's not me. I don't know why this is happening.#but it's really discouraging and tough#and I just wish I could drag myself outta this weird self doubt spiral#and write this damn fic cause I KNOW I CAN. or at least I COULD. a year ago? this would already be written#all like 9-10 chapter of it. it'd be done and up and I'd be like ha I did it!#now I'm fucked.#I'm now done venting for the night I give up sleep meds time 🤷♀️
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Grump and not so grump (Patreon)
#Doodles#Villainsona#Just Desserts#Lol#Happy to be the happy sona! Of course ♪#I fiiiinally got a haircut again yaaaay#Actually all the Reds did! We all went to the local barber and they do such lovely work <3#We got our hair cut on smol's birthday and we're all adorable!#It's really nice now that it's out of my eyes and off my neck - smol's is directly in her eyes tho lol#As long as she's happy haha#Continuing the happies trend <3 This was doodled before the brain weirdness but I'm mostly back onto it :)#Got brain-work to do about it |P But better is good! I like better!!#And I like pleased <3#There was plenty to be pleased about! :D Good dreams and good conversation and games and ah <3 Happies <3#Poor Charm gets none of the above! Haha poor lad ♪#The TVAU grump was just a spacefiller so not much more to that#She is cute tho even when she's grumpy#And then the Kaiein thing lol - so I mentioned a bit back about going to meet with one of Kaiein's ''inspiration sources'' ahem ahem#It's the same as before - they're honestly quite ineffectual once you get right down to it#I read basically everything they do in bad faith because there's no established trust - and also I don't care if they're trying to insult me#If they're trying to connect it's sad - if they're trying to be mean it's pathetic - which I mean? Good?? Lol#Them not having power over me in themself is a good thing I'm glad that's where I am currently#Basically they got me a how-to book on digital art - with an emphasis on Photoshop#I know SAI is a lesser-known program but they were the one who helped me buy it - they've probably forgotten#Maaahh it doesn't matter - not even into Evil Time about it it's just so nothing pff#Someday they'll learn that giving gifts isn't the be-all end-all to making friends. I know I would've preferred nothing :P#I'm just happy to be confident enough where I am that while I don't like it - it doesn't actually do anything to me lol#It's a better place to be :)
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who was that. that was not Janus who was that
#watched the new asides! hahahahahahaha i have thoughts#mostly positive which is not what i was expecting! i thought they felt in character for the most part#i enjoyed it#but that. was not Janus#youre telling me the master of deception the literal EMBODIMENT of deceit#would get SO drunk around people he quite frankly should not trust yet his arc has not gone that far#that he is saying everything on his mind and being extremely loose lipped#no. absolutely not#i feel like thomas was aiming a gun labeled /reduce character to alcoholism joke/ at logan and last second swiveled and shot janus#point fuckin blank#and the rest of the episode was actually good!!! it was fun!!!!!!! except for the weird drunk cardboard cutout they had standing#where janus should be#for a character like janus alcohol - if its gonna be used at all - should be used as like . a sign of character growth#a signifier of trust . he trusts the others enough to drop those walls . but that is NOT a point we should have hit now#he had a breakthrough with patton but roman hates him virgil hates him#that is not a situation where the embodiment of self preservation js gonna go welp! time to get blackout drunk!#im so . i just . come ON man#roman would get drunk as shit . at thjs point in his arc that even makes sense!!!#taking a bit of liquid confidence when maybe hes not feeling much of his own#though where roman stands in his arc after four entire years of waiting is . fuckin debatable i guess#anyway in conclusion that was not janus . thank you for coming to my ted talk#ts crit#ts critical#ts spoilers
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am i peeling back the layers…. uncovering the metaphors.. mirroring…..connecting dots…..stuff like that, girl?
#found a pearl in an oyster necklace in my bag a few weeks ago#been too weirded out by it to give it much thought#but it was right after my here’s a pearl im the oyster post#and i had purchased some baroque pearls a few weeks before that even#and pearl is my birthstone#which i always resented bc i felt it was ‘old lady-ish’#but now i feel a strange and incredibly strong sense of awe and admiration for them#i feel so obsessed and i’ve quite literally never thought them to be beautiful but now it’s plastering the walls of my brain#and im noticing it in so many songs i love#i hadn’t ever realized#im going pearl mad#mine#it speaks to me for a reason#that is all i know for certain#i am going to revel in my intuition and accept the answer she presents me#björk#caroline polachek#janis joplin#lana del rey#i trust what is being shown to me… i trust that i know how to interpret it#manifesting#abundance
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blegh
#✧ chatting !#not gonna lie i feel like its been getting worse#i thought my attachments and everythjng wld kinda ? fade after i came to terms w it but like. theyre still here#which is supersuper weird for me bc im rlly bad at feeling long term attachments for other people aside from my family#quite literally i think this has happened only twice before ? so this is the third time#its not like it feels bad or anything i just feel kinda. weird abt it idk#i dont rlly have anyone to talk to abt it either cause i dont rlly want it to somehow accidentally get spread#not that i dont trust the mutuals or anything . im just weirdly hyperaware of how horrible this cld go yk#gahhh. they shldve just killed off my emotions
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due to reasons I am again thinking about how difficult it is to build any functional kind of connection with svern because he always either Has a disconnect in place and is just Acting as if it's not there or has a knife ready to cut the rope at any given moment
#nobody FUCKING talk to me.#i accidentally deleted my original tags but it's divided into ppl who he dgaf about (never was any kind of connection) and#ppl who he gives some kind of fuck about (very rare)#and he gets WEIRD about that because a) ew vulnerability. b) bro still keeps Actual emotional contact to a minimum; and#c) well he's not stupid and is quite self aware of his own tendencies so he thinks it's a bad idea to care about him. Stop#and which is objectively true by common sense logic so#like he won't stop you and he does need it but he still thinks it's a bad idea. also he will leave at any time#because he has mad issues#wait til this guy learns about trust and boundaries (dubious outcome but one can dream) -via targentis#who opened the box (ooc)
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also uhm.
#weird rant soliloquy stream of consciousness thing incoming. be warned .#the thing with hinge guy is. i don’t think anyone has liked me in a romantic way in my 24 years#which i am not exaggerating or like pitying myself. it’s a fact (i don’t have anyone confessing to me or shit. got some vibes but. vibes *#*can be wishful thinking. i digress.)#and he’s so open about liking me it’s so weird to me . no one ever was ! to my knowledge!#i am also quite wary about it all. like it’s too good to be true yk? idk.#i also have been talking about it with my bestie and she told me ‘you are so overthinking this’ and i’m like. yeah but. i’m being ahead of*#*the game. i am a mastermind. /j. fr tho like i know it seems overthinking but it’s 1) my nature 2) i am taking care of myself. in this s-#situation it’s only me who can do that.#also he’s a gemini (like me so don’t be overly mean) so i’m a bit wary of scheming and the like#but i also know that it’s me and my trust issues. hoo boy my trust issues are making an appearance in this situation#ok i’m done .#rambles
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#i feel batshit crazy#and also incredibly lucky#I started my new job a bit more than a month ago#and it has been disappointing and boring so far#so like 5 days after I started I applied to another job#which seems 100 times more interesting and in line with what I am capable of doing#I passed all the interviews these past couple of weeks#and I GOT IT :)#i am so happy because it’s a killer opportunity#but also I feel absolutely terrible for my current employer#i received the news today so obviously I haven’t told my employer yet and I still don’t know when I will be able to make the switch#it’s so weird and unlike me to behave like this…I feel like a traitor#but also I don’t have any time to waste like…no#i don’t really trust my judgement anymore because I was also very happy when I got my current job and I thought it would be great#but i realize now that it was the idea of changing and the possibility to leave consulting that made me so excited at that time#I really hope the new position will fit me more#i think it will honestly. my future boss is quite young and was also a consultant in a top firm when we talked it was quite easy to connect#hmmm we’ll see#also I made it very clear that I wanted a break between the 2 jobs#to not repeat the mistake in December - when I had just a weekend between my two jobs#anyway !! I am very lucky#but also sooo stupid because I am achieving a lot professionally and it’s great and all#and yet I feel so behind and childish and incomplete because I am still so so so very single urghh#whatever. so much change has happened in the past year that now I am addicted to it and am acting very boldly so who knows what can happen
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Ill have you know i am a brown himejoshi
I like that Chilchuck says that he only stayed on to help with Falin bc he was paid upfront so couldn’t quit when he wanted to, but later admits to the orc teen that he could’ve quit, and didn’t because he was too stubborn to let her go. And the reason he regretted it was because he felt like by having that hope he ended up putting his friends in danger. And then also out of everyone in the party he was the one who ended up breaking down in tears because he wasn’t able to handle watching his friends risk their lives. That man cares more than anyone he just can’t drop his hatersona. Life is agony for repressed middle aged people who love deeply.
#Also not quite what I’m saying#I mean sort of but not exactly#I don’t think he’s embarrassed or shy about caring for his friends#I think it’s more that he still has issues with trusting his party bc of past experiences with other people he’s worked with#Which make him reluctant to say anything that could get him into a situation where he’s taken advantage of#Also it’s weird to call me white because i did character analysis#Like I’m creole I just have thoughts sometimes
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why is your cat so snuggly cats arent snuggly
Incorrect. As someone who has volunteered at two cat shelters now, has two cats in her house, and has seen many, many kitties [both kitten and adult].... they are snuggly muffins. Demanding snuggly muffins, at that.
But Flo is a huge snuggle bug with me especially, because I am Mother™, so I am the provider of love. Also she is very small and has too much love in her little body so it needs to go somewhere.
#from daydreams to text#legit tho the majority of cats I've met actually love cuddles#it's just on their terms and it helps if they're socialized young#I have met kittens who will sit on my boot so I can't move and they scream until i cuddle them#Keep in mind. those kittens fit in one hand easily. I am a titan to them#and they still scream at me like ''AUNTIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE I WANT UPPIESSSSSSSS'' and I have to stop cleaning and hold them#and usually sing to them. they seem to like that#Flo wants to attach herself to me like a living scarf tho#She especially LOVES hair. Not sure if she naturally does or developed that because I have long as hell hair#either way she loves to bury herself in my hair and cuddle in there and purr#but yeah like- not all cats are 'lap cats' for sure but it's a trust thing too. and their own terms#cats are naturally quite friendly; they're just different from other animals because of course#also they have weird habits which are deeply funny#I will never forget the cat who looked me dead in the eye while dumping out his food bowl to eat off the floor#I have never been more confused in my life#LIKE I JUST CLEANED THAT SKITTLES WHY DID YOU DUMP YOUR KIBBLE ON THE FLOOR???? TO EAT???? YOU HAVE A BOWL???? WHY?????
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I have my graduation ceremony tomorrow and i cant fucking wait
#i have a nice olive green suit and i actually feel really good in it#it's also my first real suit bc the other one i have i bought it in urgency for my granpa's funeral#so it has a weird meaning#and the goal was not 'i'll get a nice suit' it was 'i'll buy any black suit pants that fit me and a black jacket'#given my large hips it was not an easy task#i bziscally have nothing besides jeans bc nice pants in an acceptable price range just. dont fit me.#but !! i recently found out uniqlo's pants fit me quite well so i went ther for the suit#i mayyyy have had a slight panic attack in the store bc they didnt have the jacket in my size but i have issues w/ clothes shopping#but i was w/ my sister who 1/knows my issues 2/is really into fashion so i trust her#(i'll wear a black lace top but while in the store i had a white bra which made the top ugly af but she said it would look great)(#(i decided to trust her and it was a good call when trying the top at home w a black bra it was amazing)#with nice high heels i'll look incredible
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distortion god's fragment .
the story remains unchanging between the niwa and the hikari. the hikari's pride inspires them to push beyond both moral and mortal limitation. the niwa's pride inspires robbery and an equal arrogance. in a time within azumano the ancient ancestor of the hikari devoted the entirety of his life to the process of both summoning and taking control of arceus, the creation pokemon, for his penultimate masterpiece. it was at the exact moment of summoning that the ancient niwa ancestor, and the very first phantom thief 'dark' interrupted the process, causing the ritual to go completely of control. following the aftermath of the cataclysmic event, the hikari inherited a shattered fragment of the summoned avatar of arceus's power, further warped by the hikari's deep feelings of hatred, loneliness, and sorrow, thus becoming krad. the niwa were infected with antimatter and fragments of the griseous core, (one of the precious artifacts used to summon the mythical pokemon,) causing their very D.N.A to change and distort. this nameless fragment of giratina, or what ancient azumano called 'the kokuyoku' (black wings,) was born into chaos and confusion without its own body or its dedicated heart, until it came to take its hosts, dark's, name for himself.
ordinary human beings became even more terrified and mistrustful of pokemon following the incident. catastrophe followed catastrophe and the birth of dark and krad caused mass-persecution and punishment upon innocent pokemon, both natural and artificially created alike, the hikari themselves beginning to hunt them down as monsters that had to be dealt with before they could cause harm. in the midst of the endless guilt and horror of it all, dark was captured and transported to his very own distortion world by the means of a hikari-created pokemon named manisumea. curious as pandora, she ultimately released dark from his confines - only to be punished by the hikari for the act and left for dead.
furious over her mistreatment, dark made his decision to betray the hikari - and to devote himself to becoming a 'legendary' phantom thief, despite being ensnared in misery and irremovably attached to the niwa's bloodline like a curse. it's been 18 hosts since then, niwa daisuke dark's 19th, but time, at least in regards to anyone and anywhere apart from their own selves, has lost its meaning to them: thanks to the distortion god's power, dark is capable of traveling dimensions, often appearing in the midst of ominous distortions in an attempt to settle them and 'tame' the unruly pokemon inside when he isn't committing a public heist. his reputation is still of a criminal and a villain, and giratina's shadowy, ominous barbed wings on his back aren't helping, but he never confirms nor denies any accusation. the fault of all these things, after all, in one way or another, was his own.
----- quick notes.
dark's wings reflecting giratina's is the only appearance change. emotionally, and as nothing more than the product of what he perceives as multiple mistakes and ill influence, he severs himself from any concept of giratina's (or the 'kokuyoku's) actual identity. he'll respond if you to refer to him as either or if your muse has the historical/mythical knowledge necessary to identify him, but he might not be all that happy about it - having his own identity, being 'dark,' and being acknowledged for his bond with daisuke, or something that's become very human-like makes him much happier than being praised, worshipped, or damned as a monstrous distortion deity that he feels disconnected from.
dark is continuously the subject of public debate. is he human? is he a pokemon? is he a monster? are space-time distortions and all the outraged, rampaging pokemon HIS fault, since he's so often found at the center of them? why would they not be when he shamelessly steals just about anything that takes his interest, from artworks, treasures, to even people's pokemon? scientific communities and research related groups debate endlessly over him, and he's as admired for his unearthly appearance and skill in theft as he is reviled. all anybody knows is throwing a pokeball at his ass and landing it doesn't actually Do anything. except make him mad. wiz also remains his familiar for both theft and battle, and is a unique, artificially created pokemon that originally belonged to the hikari.
dark still has powers, and they still have limitations. the power of god and anime(tm) is a lot for an ordinary eety beety 15 yr old human boy's body to handle, but dark doesn't kill his hosts with the sheer force of it or his presence like krad does to the hikari. dark's moveset consists of the usual cautious debuffs: inflicting sleep or confusion on both pokemon or humans alike, but he's also capable of stronger, actual damage-dealing attacks such as shadow balls or dark pulses, (and non-elemental ones, such as fire or lightning strikes,) moves he only uses as a last resort. in a developing battle, dark's top priority will always be to safely run away and escape, he's one of those legendaries and opening/manipulating extremely minute distortions or alternate dimensions for the sake of this does not exacerbate his condition too much. dark can also both coherently understand and converse with the average pokemon - daisuke cannot.
if your name is volo and you have an extremely weird obsession with arceus then dark is making faces at you. this could be Good or Bad. not saying which is more likely though!
#*・゚⊰ 𝐎𝐔𝐓 𝐎𝐅 𝐂𝐀𝐑𝐃𝐒. ⊱ ✦ › OUT.#PKMN.#reference.#posts this and goes back to sleep#im probably too busy for replies rn but trust me i expect 2 grip farl's pla oc in a heartbeat#its over for shea and dark both...... sherbert lookin hedgehog ass + cringe hot topic distortion realm bro#weird extended pokemon-family dynaminc of th century i say#this is also embarrassingly enough the most coherent timeline of canon dnangel events i've ever put together#and its only for this au post#go me!#all these things have to remain the same or i'll cry tho. dark being born as a mistake out of another mistake#manisumea breaking and spurring his betrayal/chaotic good ass to MOVE#dark saying everything is his fault even when it isn't entirely- even when it doesn't 'have to be....'#in my head if dark and volo ever meet it's either a) dark vc GET AWAY FROM ME. GET A JOB. GET A LIFE#or b) we're going to commit So Many Crimes against god together <- also kind of pissed off at arceus#or option c which is a very blase 'buy my (super super super this is so super ultra stolen) shit. idiot'#<- would never trust volo with anything but a deal/transaction each for themselves#anybody else whatever. enjoy#zzzzz#dark's got shit mostly handled but if u let daisuke quite literally blast hellfire from his fingertips he just might cry#<- guy who wants nth to do with battling be it as a trainer or the actual fuckwbaakwljgkj POKEMON!!!
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