#which really just solidifies my working concept

[labyrynth]

very salty salt re: someone’s hotter-than-the-sun take on jgy/meng shi, mu qing, and class

just saw someone insist that bc meng shi was a famed courtesan at some point, she therefore was actually quite well off financially, and was not at all lower or working class, as if she not only had a say in her profession, but as if this did not all come crashing down after 1) aging, and 2) having a literal child

they also described both meng yao and mu qing as “functionally middle class” because obviously not being jobless or homeless means you’re middle class.

and also claimed that mu qing was personally responsible for xie lian’s downward spiral, and that mu qing’s decision to leave abandon xie lian was selfish, cruel, and—get this—fueled by CLASSISM.

OP i am beating you over the head with a stick. how do you fuck up class awareness/analysis THIS bad.

the whore and her bastard son are middle class because she’s fuckable and he knows how to read. uh huh sure.

the working class servant is selfish and classist for prioritizing his own family over his employer, the royal fucking family. why not.

here look OP i can string together offensive sentences too: you are fucking stupid.

[reachartwork]

re: why nightshade/glaze is useless, aka "the chicken is already in the nugget", from the perspective of an Actual Machine Learning Researcher

a bunch of people have privately asked me to answer this aspect of the five points i raised, and i tire of repeating myself, so

the fundamental oversight here is a lack of recognition that these AI models are not dynamic entities constantly absorbing new data; they are more akin to snapshots of the internet at the time they were trained, which, for the most part, was several years ago.

to put it simply, Nightshade's efforts to alter images and introduce them to the AI in hopes of affecting the model's output are based on an outdated concept of how these models function. the belief that the AI is actively scraping the internet and updating its dataset with new images is incorrect. the LAION datasets, which are the foundation of most if not all modern image synthesis models, were compiled and solidified into the AI's 'knowledge base' long ago. The process is not ongoing; it's historical.

i think it's important for people to understand that Nightshade is fighting is against an already concluded war. the datasets have been created, the models have been trained, and the 'internet scraping' phase is not an ongoing process for these AI. the notion that AI is an ever-updating Skynet seeking to cannibalize all your art (or that the companies using it are constantly seeking out new art to add to the pile) is a science fiction myth, not a reality.

(for the many other reasons why it won't work see my other post. really i just wanted an excuse to make and post these two sloppy meme edits).

cheers

[xamag-draws]

BBR thoughts 2024

Since I mentioned that I finally dusted off an old project of mine and was ruminating on how I'd remake it, I thought I'd elaborate a little, now that I've solidified some concepts. For funsies

This is gonna be a bit of a long and unfocused one, but I don't share my personal thoughts here often, especially the stuff about my projects I always marinate in. And for once it's something that people have existing context for, so hey why not

So for anyone who hasn't been following me for a gajillion years, The Black Brick Road of OZ was a webcomic that I posted around 2013-2015, back when I was in highschool going on college (which is kinda crazy to think about). It was sort of a darker twist on The Wonderful Wizard of Oz, although I definitely leaned a lot more into dark humor more than anything in those first few chapters

I don't think it's available to read anywhere anymore, and I know people have been asking me about it. So here's the full proper archive of BBR, as full as it can be with deceased Flash

I totally used it as an excuse to shamelessly and self-indulgently experiment. It had interactive pages and GIFs and was wayyy too overproduced for what I could handle or what was necessary, but I did have great fun making it while it lasted

Unfortunately, that excess and the fact that I've changed too much as a person by the time I was in college is what ultimately killed it. The direction I wanted to go in was practically unrecognizable from the original idea started back in 2011, so there were many old hold-ups that I felt ruined it

At the time I kinda wished I could start/rewrite it all over, but considering that I pretty much had the entire script done at that point, it felt like a pointless sisyphean task. So I just put it on a shelf and didn't look back for about 8 years, because I didn't know what else to do

Now to be fair, the nature of my art has always been iterative and cyclical; when I feel like my creative juices have run dry I prefer to leave a project to marinate and move on to something else; cycle through other old things and bring in new skills and perspectives into the mix when I'm ready again. Not very productive, but it is what makes me happy to work on my OCs; I'm doomed to hit a wall with them eventually and I need some time to be able to find a new direction

So that said, I'm glad that BBR was left to marinate for that long. I don't think I was prepared, emotionally or intellectually, to tackle it again until now. The Wizard of Oz book (and the entire series of them, really) has always been near and dear to my heart, but there's a lot of context around it that I'm only unpacking now that I'm older

I think I always inherently feel negatively about the stuff I've made in the past, like its faults always jump out to me more than the positives, especially the more time passes. I've never liked that, and I do really appreciate the kind things people have to say about BBR to this day. The fact that it still can be recognized and remembered is very sweet

When I left it, I already found it "kinda cringe", and that feeling only deepened with years. When I took my first look back at it, asking the question "how would I rewrite it now?", at first I took a very cynical approach, as in "everything would have to be torn down"

But the more I sat on it, the more I found that I still see some merit and charm in the ideas I was putting out; I just didn't know how to execute them at the time (not to pretend that I know what I'm doing now, but I certainly know more at least). Turns out a lot of my old concepts could be changed substantially with just a few small tweaks. So I'd say that's a nicer way to think about my previous work

If you haven't seen yet, I posted a first draft of my new designs for some of the characters (the main group, the Goods and the Wickeds). Definitely subject to change, but more or less how I see them now

I'm just playing with these concepts; by no means would I attempt to remake BBR right this moment. Call it a pipe dream among my other ones. But just for fun, this is the direction I'd like to take:

Nowadays I'd probably make it a visual novel, with more emphasis on the visual part than the novel because I'm no English prose writer by any means. It'd still let me play a little with the interactivity while helping cut some corners on the drawing part (only some, I imagine I'd go hog wild anyway)

I've always intended for some events inspired by the sequel books to take place in BBR's past. Stuff like Jinjur's revolt or Ozma's rule preceeds the main events here. So I think it would be fun to follow the past of a few key characters alongside the main story. One chapter focusing on the present quest to see the Wizard, then one focusing on the past events (that are maybe reflective thematically); rinse and repeat

I'm also sticking a little closer to the original text in some regards. Not everything that I enjoy from the books would be translated here, it's still just a very loose fantasy on the material; but I'd like to be closer in spirit at least

I like mature, wise and powerful Glinda, I like kind and vulnerable Tin Man, I like the Wizard being a pathetic yet loveable liar, so I'm sprinkling in more of that for example

I'd like to keep some whimsy, but make it more grounded and a bit more serious to be coherent in tone. I think the original TWWOOZ book was a more realistic fantasy in some ways, even for the standards of the time; I like its simple but vivid tactile descriptions and details like bringing attention that Dorothy needed to eat and sleep

I find it funny that Baum specifically was averse to making his books scary or unpleasant, finding that unnecessary for telling a compelling kids story, but they still can get pretty dark and disturbing, at least for our modern sensibilities. Let's just say that I intend to use the Evoldo and Chopfyt storylines for my purposes. In that way, I feel like a "darker" Wizard of Oz retelling can still mostly be tonally in line with the original and balance it with enough heart and occasional humor

I slowly grew to appreciate the quaint old-timey quality of the original series, as well. The first book is both timeless and very much a product of the 1900s. Originally I tried to give it a little modern or at least anachronistic spin, but it was moreso because it's what I knew best, so these days I'd rather intentionally lean into the time period. Still not fully historically accurate by any means, but at least directly acknowledging the influence

The events of the story span across 40 years of these characters' lives, so I'm drawing inspiration from the entire so-called La Belle Epoque: the time period around 1880s-1920s. Basically I'm cooking, and my soup is old Victorian fashion morphing into Edwardian fashion and slowly inching towards flappers

Some new Dolly outfits

Lots of crazy things, political changes and innovations were happening at the turn of the century, which I think is noted and reflected by Baum in the books as well; the character of Tik-Tok might not blow any minds now, but he was one of the first robot characters in literature at that point; and don't even get me started on Jinjur, etc. Plenty of really interesting stuff one could lightly ponder in an Oz adaptation these days

Aesthetically, art nouveau has always been a big artistic influence for me, and it'd definitely be its time to shine here. John R. Neill's illustrations of the Oz books often keep me company as well. Nouveau architecture in particular fits that fairytale whimsy extremely well imo

I'd allow myself a little bit of art deco here and there, but ultimately its intimidating geometrical splendor is an antithetical to the flowery nature of nouveau and I associate it with a completely different era. Definitely fitting some characters like my Wicked Witch of the West, but shouldn't be overused

One of my main problems with the original BBR was that eventually I lost track of what it was even about; and the original ending felt too mean and unfulfilling to be worth it. Now I'd like to stick to the theme of home and family as my main theme, but in a different, more bittersweet way than in the book

An interesting connection I made is that a lot of my aforementioned older key characters (the Witches, Jinjur, the Nome King, etc) all came from the same reformatory as kids, that's how they know each other. In my recent research I learned that in those reformatories it was usually frowned upon to release the children back to the families, which were seen as the original corrupting influence regardless of the circumstance. The reformatory did everything in its power to cut that connection and make itself the only family those wayward kids were supposed to know and love. That's an unexpected tie into the theme of home that I'd like to explore as well

So yeah that's the current state of it. I have a bunch of outfit concepts I'm slowly cooking, although I'm now sure whether I'd post them... But I do miss these funny guys, and I'm glad some people still do as well :)

[dduane]

...So once again it's the time of year when I return to this piece of digital art (or its earlier versions), tweak it a little in the attempt to get closer to what I see in my head, and repost it for Pride. (ETA, 3 June 2024: image tweaked a little bit more via late-night re-render because the upholstery wasn't rendering correctly, and as a result the kitty sort of vanished. Which would not be at all her style...)

At the moment I'm looking at These Two Idiots (for so they are) and considering with the usual bemusement how long I've been working with them. Of all the characters I've worked with in print, the only ones I've known longer would be the crew of NCC-1701—and very shortly now, for the first time as paid writing, a couple of gentlemen named Holmes and Watson.

I first "met" these guys in late 1970 in the form of the fellow college students on whom they'd be based: a couple of gents (not gay, as it happens) who were friends to me when I needed some. They were a tall dark guy and a short blond one with a mustache that came and went... so that, not even knowing the word "trope" at the time, I fell headfirst into one.

Less than a year after I met them, I changed educational tracks and schools, and we all drifted apart. But something about them stuck. The nature and depth of their friendship was unusual. So was one way it manifested itself: in ruthless snark that had no meanness or cruelty about it whatsoever—just affection.

In the late sixties I'd begun writing some very derivative fic strongly influenced by Tolkien. Rather to my surprise, though, as I started nursing school in 1971, the nature of that fiction started to change, and began rearranging itself around two characters who had a friendship like those of my college friends. With them as its core, a rather different kind of medieval-ish fantasy world started knitting itself together from various scraps of themes and imagery lying around in the back of my brain.

Even so early in the construction phases of this world, something the characters quickly made plain to me in the writing was that their relationships with one another were not what mainstream 1970s culture would consider conventional. They were gay... but that was a background issue,* and not at all the most important thing in their lives. They had far more important business to deal with—as became clear as their personalities and priorities started filling themselves out in the foreground.

One of them turned out to be the deliberate, analytical, methodical son of a provincial nobleman, all too aware of the expectations of those around him: that he might well eventually wind up running that province himself. Yet at the same time he also became aware that he had other problems, chief among them the discovery of a nascent power that would kill him young if he couldn't master it. And in the last thousand years, no one of his gender ever had.

The other presented himself more and more clearly as a difficult case: someone who wanted very much to be good at the family business, but wasn't... and knew it. Kind of a screw-up, repeatedly doing the wrong things for what he was sure were the right reasons. Yet, no matter how often he screwed up, he was also the kind of person who keeps picking himself up and trying again, because he's been told over and over that that's what people like him have to do: otherwise they're no use to anybody.

Imagine my shock when I realized that these two men—initially canonically enemies in their adolescence, then best friends as they grew, and eventually much more—were the (incomplete) answer to the question I'd once asked my Mom at the end of the bedtime reading of some fairy tale or other: "Why can't a prince rescue another prince?" Because one of them got himself more than once into situations where he really needed one kind or another of rescuing. The other one obliged him, while once or twice getting rescued himself. Those interlocking patterns started to solidify out of concept and into character detail and plot, while their world grew and proliferated into its own detail around them.

Then, without warning, in 1978 both world and characters decided they were ready to get real. I was abruptly dragged gasping and flailing under the surface of a novel that would begin the tale of what those two characters had yet to become. The period it took to produce that first draft was possibly the most interesting six weeks of my life... and that includes the six weeks during which I first scrubbed in on brain surgery. Day and night, for days at a time, I barely even existed except as something for a novel to come out of. When it was done with me, it just as abruptly dumped me back into my life and wandered away, leaving me staring around, blinking and wondering if anybody’d got the number of that truck. Nothing like it has ever happened to me since, which may be just as well. I’m none too sure that these days I could handle the strain.

The book—which sold a couple of weeks after it landed on its first publisher's desk—kicked off my career as novelist and screenwriter, and in its way proved that the world was at least somewhat ready for epic fantasy in which the basic culture was pansexual, polyamorous, and inclusive in ways that hadn't been attempted before.

So I owe them a debt, those two gentlemen up there: the tall dark curly-haired guy with the amateur strategist's mind, the blacksmith's shoulders, and the peculiar sword, his background thought always nibbling away at the question of how to heal the world's wounds: and the short fair gent who if he could would stay at home, live quietly in town, and work in the local library... except for when saving the world (or his found family) requires him to subsume his being into that of his ancestral demigod. Due to the success of the book in which they made their debut, these two became, in their way, the fairy† godfathers of the Young Wizards—and additionally enabled all that Star Trek fanfic I'd started writing a decade before to proceed to its logical conclusion.

More to the point, though, a lot of people in the 1980s and '90s who'd never seen queer representation in a fantasy novel, found it first, or at last, while following Herewiss and Freelorn down their road. It's been my pleasure to hold that space for new readers, and keep adding to it... because (if you ask me) it's needed more now than ever.

So, to the readership of the Middle Kingdoms works—now pushing half a century old—and everybody else who's celebrating the season: happy Pride!

*Not least because everybody else in their world is (at least potentially) some shade of queer, including God.

†(snicker)

[a-confused-spoon]

Jinx's haircut: how Powder and Ekko's story comes full circle

Hi! So, it appears Jinx will be cutting her hair short in season 2 (which is cool as fuck), and I’ve been seeing a lot of discussion on it, so I wanted to share my two cents 😊

I might refer to Jinx and Powder as if they are different ideantities, but I'm aware that's not how that works; it's just an easier way to express myself. Also english isn't my first language, so apologies for any possible wiritng mistake (this is a bit of a mess 😅)

* deep breath in *

As it has already been pointed out, this choice must have a deeper reason other than esthetic (I've been seeing the phrase "hair holds memories" used a lot), and what's even more interesting is that her new look resembles a lot how she used to look like as a kid; a bit bizarre, given how the entirety of season 1 showed us how Powder and Jinx's coexistence only brings the girl pain. As a matter of fact, the finale makes it clear to us that even she sees these two sides of herself as mutually exclusive.

So why and how exactly would this happen now?

What I keep going back to is the idea that maybe, just maybe, this has to do with her possibly "taking the lead" in Zaun; whether she actively becomes a leader or if she just "leads by example" (therefore passively), it doesn't change the fact that for better or worse she will be depicted as a leading revolutionary figure.

And fair enough: she singlehandedly killed half of the Council, the people who hold decisional power and have contributed to the misery on the other side of the river. After Vender's failed attempt on the bridge and Silco's focus on his own business dealings with Piltover among everything else he did, Jinx's attack on the city - something she does to ultimately solidify her identity as Jinx - opens a door that the Undercity was waiting to be opened for decades.

Here's the thing:

Being Jinx doesn't just mean acting on unbridled rage and being a menace to society; it means being feared by most, if not all, with the only possible exceptions being those who also accepted their inner monster. To put it in Singed's words, "If you take this path, they will despise you".

Being Jinx fundamentally implies loneliness.

Silco was consistently reminding her this: "I am your family; everyone else betrays us" / "Everyone betrays us Jinx! Vander! Her! They will never understand, it's only us".

In the official clip 'Enemy of my enemy' we find out that he only saw her cry twice, the two scenes we also witness as an audience, meaning he didn't see her cry once during the timeskip, and I'm sure it's safe to say that she most definitely did cry a lot given how she goes from episode 3 Powder (scared, couldn't grasp the concept of killing someone, heartbroken by the nickname jinx) to episode 4 Powder (a beast, kills in cold blood, has taken Jinx as her actual name)... it must've been an ugly transition, and it definitely didn't happen overnight; if Silco, who was the closest person she had all that time, didn't see it, then I think it speaks a lot on how alone Jinx really was in her darkest times.

For all the love he had for her, he reinforced this idea of isolation as an unescapable consequence of the right path, and I think this is also reflected in the lair that (supposedly) he found for her, especially when you compare it to the Firelights’ one:

The Firelights (this is important for later) are all about community and sharing joy as well as struggle and pain; they live in a place of healing, filled with life, without a roof so the sunlight can reach them during the day, and at nights living bugs that shine a light of their own fill up the hideout.

Jinx's place is diametrically opposed to this: it’s dark and looks cold, it's completely made of metal, the roof’s blocking any natural light and it hangs above an abyss with no bottom to be seen; the only company she consistently has are the puppets of her dead brothers and the only living thing that knows his way in is the only one that can understand, the only one she can rely on - aka Silco himself.

However, as Jinx herself knows, this may have worked for him, but it wasn't working for her for the longest time: she never stopped yearning for affection, love, friendship- that part of her never really went away; it was only being suppressed, suffocated, maybe unintentionally, and I strongly believe that it only worsen her trauma, and it's one of the things that made her spiral so bad into her depression, to the point of hallucinating.

I think that Silco's line in the baptism scene is particularly relevant here: "You need to let Powder die, so the fear of pain will no longer control you", where the fear of pain would refer to the fear of being on her own, of always failing and disappointing others, of being weak and never satisfying the desires, expectations, hopes that Powder carried within her to be “a valuable member of the team”.

If she lets Powder die (which again, she does in the final episode of season 1), this is no longer a problem: if she doesn't do teams, because teams don't want a jinx to begin with, that fear can't get to her; if she's a solo player, a self-sufficient loose cannon, she won't need to rely on anyone but herself because she's strong on her own and does not need the support of others.

If her power lays in the monster she is, the one everyone condemns her for being, then that childhood wish of hers just isn't a realistic option.

...but then this happens.

We know from the teaser trailer that in the operation Caitlyn's leading, 'finding Jinx' and 'neutralize any agent still loyal to Silco' are separate objectives. Which makes sense, since as far as they know Silco was the leader of a group of people, and now that he's gone Jinx is an individual under her own agency and her own agency alone. If initially she fights by herself, for herself because she can and fuck Piltover, then it all falls in line with what I stated so far.

But then we hear Sevika, who has hated Jinx's guts and who Jinx has hated back since day one, telling her to get the people together, to unite the Undercity as one because she can do that. Mind you, the girl has lived in Zaun all her life, she knows damn well that the end of Piltover is something the entire Undercity has been waiting for (“Imagine what the whole of the Lances could do!” from episode 2); yet despite this she needs to be openly told what is going on, that she’s not sizing the opportunity she’s created. She isn't, cause... her? Leading? A group of people? No. Not after the last time she tried to help, and most importantly, not after everything she learned under Silco.

Jinx can't fathom the idea of herself as a part of a part of a team. How can she? She literally just came to terms with isolation as ever present- and now, for some reason, the people of the city, who always either ran away from her or wanted her gone, are dying their hair blue in her image, trusting her, following her, painting murals of her as the bringer of revolution.

She isn't taking power forcibly like Silco did; she's just doing her thing, her Jinx thing, and Zaun, on its own, is choosing her as the leading figure.

Imagine how frustrating it must be for Jinx to look back and realize that Silco, her father- who has loved her, forgiven her, raised her, called her perfect, defended her, was there for her, saved her, guided her- was wrong, and put her in a condition of never ending existential pain when she could’ve had it differently the entire time; imagine how confusing it must be for her to look back and realize that it never mattered whether or not others understood her, 'cause she wasn't as unlovable or unforgivable as she thought herself to be in the first place, that Silco and Vi were never her only options.

Imagine how painful it must be for her to look back and realize that for all this time she could’ve had friends and be accepted and be trusted and rely on others because she never HAD to be alone.

...keeping this in mind, let's talk about Ekko and the missing flashback from episode 7 for a moment.

Admittedly we don’t have a lot of information, other than it took place not too long after the events of episode 3 (then again, to be fair, we don’t know a lot about their relationship as enemies as well: it’s all between the lines; I surely have my own opinions of how they feel about each other being on the enemy side, but I don’t believe it’s super relevant here). What’s for sure about this flashback is that it was a defining moment in both Ekko and Powder’s journey, especially for the latter. Someone surely died, and it 100% was Powder’s fault. It could be both the result of her very first crisis or her first intentional murder; in both cases it results in her deciding for herself to align with Silco as opposed to her best friend.

The way I like to see it is that, since the trauma was still very fresh, she might have been too scared of the idea of fighting alongside others after what happened last time, and she pushed herself to kill someone on purpose just to push Ekko away and prove a point (Silco’s point). I love the idea of the tragic irony of Ekko being the one person Powder managed to really save, and Powder being the one person Ekko couldn’t.

Personal headcanons aside though, the last part is the most important one here: Ekko couldn’t save Powder from Silco, and by extension everything he represents.

I’d like to point out that one of the most tragic aspects of the two becoming enemies (to me) is that, throughout those years, they reciprocally were the only living person the other shared a past with (well, Vi too, but she was in prison the entire time).

Silco not only takes over by force, he also marks as his all the places of said past: the Last Drop, Vi and Powder’s house… one line that always stuck with me from episode 7 is when Ekko tells Vi “All that’s left is Jinx, and she belongs to Silco”.

Not with Silco; to Silco. As if she too a piece of the past he turned into his property.

It’s like he understands that while yes, Powder made the decision by herself, that she wants to stay with Silco, he also knows that the man is the one to blame for... well, all of it; the kid was there when Silco showed up unprovoked at Benzo’s place, he knows things went downhill from there.

Ekko knows that he is the bigger problem and the bigger enemy. Even Vi, without knowing a thing about the past few years, can tell Silco put some shit into her sister’s head; Ekko can probably guess the same, difference being that Ekko has the responsibility of keeping other people safe, and he can’t risk it all for someone that, while possibly manipulated, ultimately isn’t collaborative. Ekko can’t jeopardize all he’s built and done for his former best friend, no matter how much it hurts him to be her enemy.

Back to season 2.

Like the entire fandom has already pointed out, there’s a 99.9% chance there will be an alliance between them and Jinx, especially when looking at Ekko’s new outfit.

Of course, this will not be immediate: my guess is that while Jinx works alone at the very start Ekko will be with Heimerdinger and following the arrest of the Firelights we see in the trailer maybe there’s a split. And even after Jinx takes charge so to speak, and possibly frees them, among others, from Stillwater, it’s possible there will be (and there should be) stages in the alliance: initial distrust, potential fight within the community- like yeah, let’s not forget what Jinx did to these people.

Even if they do go ahead with it, it is probably out of necessity more than anything else, with not one but two military forces against the whole of the Underground. It’s not like they’d be the most ecstatic faction about it, and the same goes for Ekko, which is why the new look will probably come in later.

But exactly like he could see Powder for a brief second on the bridge clearly enough for him to stop himself from beating her, he will, most definitely, see her again through Jinx's inner turmoil... that, and she also can’t keep her shit together when it comes to what she's feeling, the girl really is an open book.

And yeah, the situation would be pretty emotionally disorienting: she's being as Jinx as ever, but people like her now, which is something she used to want as Powder, who is supposed to be dead, and they're willingly following her like they willingly followed Vander and there's murals of her with him, though she's pursuing what aligns more with Silco's dream, but also turns out Silco was wrong about Powder, who might still be alive deep down- the whole thing is a big big mess.

Despite everything that I said about him, it’s not like Jinx would start to resent Silco. She could never, not after his last words to her. They mean the world to her, he means too much to her, and let’s not forget she probably hear his voice now too, along Mylo’s and Claggor’s; it might even be a calming voice to her, one she’s happy to hear even if she knows he’s not real… which makes it all worse and more painful to deal with.

In this scene from the trailer, it seems like Ekko’s talking to her (some have pointed out the blue hair out of focus). Since this is still the look in season, at this point in time Ekko (and the rest of the Firelights) are not truly committed to this alliance with Jinx, and vice versa, Jinx is still figuring out how to deal with all this unexpected appreciation.

If there’s one thing we’ve learned about Jinx’s way of dealing with inner conflicts, especially ones that deal with the memories of the past, is that it often leads to disaster. This is a bit of a long shot, but what if the reason Ekko’s so beat up Is because she unintentionally sabotaged one of their own attacks on Piltover? Or perhaps they were caught up in a tough situation because of something she did or didn’t do? My point is that if he really is talking with her while in this condition, she probably is in a similar one.

Regardless, they are on the same side, and they are having a conversation. This is very likely the first time they reach out for each other since the day she chose to not go with him.

And I think it’s believable that of all the people she now has beside her, she’d talk to Ekko: he has this leader stuff already figured out. He has and still is taking care of people and keeping them safe better than she ever will, and on top of that, he still is the only one in Zaun (again, aside from Vi) who has known her since before she was Jinx, and he spared her on the bridge. He’s the perfect person to open up to.

And, get this, not only Ekko understands the pressure of taking the lead: he knows what it means to look back at someone you were fond of and feeling the pain of being wronged by them. He knows what it’s like to look back at old memories of someone you trusted and wonder if all those moments together really were what you thought they were, he knows what it’s like to wish it could all go back like it was, just so that candid version of them you have in your mind can still be true, present and untainted by the ugliness that now ruins all those precious moments.

He knows, 'cause he went through it with her... and now he can finally reach her.

Ekko may have not been able to save her from Silco then, but he can save her from Silco now.

And since he has built a community that grieved together, went through pain and joy together, he simply does what he’s always done with the Firelights. Sharing.

He tells with her what has worked for him: “Sometimes, taking a leap forward means leaving a few things behind”- in the Franch dub he says “leaving a part of oneself behind”- meaning it doesn’t have to be all or nothing: she has the power to choose what to kiss goodbye and what can stay…

…and then she cuts her hair.

I think it’s important to note how these two moments are very similar in setting. I kid you not, the first time I watched the trailer I was convinced this was a scene where Jinx was burning Silco’s body after she killed him- which frankly could still be the case. I’ve also seen discussions being made for the little girl we see in the trailer being burned here, or Sevika, but I don’t think it’s either. Jinx is completely desensitized to death, even when Silco died her makeup isn’t this ruined. My guess is that this is something much deeper:

Jinx never properly grieved the past. Ever. So, maybe, she’s burning the part of herself she’s leaving behind. The hair she cut.

The hair Silco used to braid for her.

These two scenes parallel each other because “nothing ever stays dead”, but Silco must stay dead, for her own sake. For her own happiness: she is leaving him behind for good.

Only after this moment we get the new look for Ekko: he can work with this new Jinx, the one that now knows she can work within a team, even to the point of committing to the outfit (lol).

If in season 1 Jinx accepted her identity as it was defined by Silco, in season 2 she's re-inventing it under her own conditions: she gets to choose what "being Jinx" may or may not include. And it will always include a little bit of Powder.

Thanks for reading! 💚💙

[utilitycaster]

(well, my feelings on Laudna are documented but I do think Imogen is a great character)

Oh! I found your blog rather recently but did you write Laudna meta early on? Or did you mean when the recent Delilah stuff went down?

I do not want to go too far into it and I suspect some of it is untagged (I have to find a way to tag for myself and not for the main character tags when writing crit) but in short: Laudna just...isn't a well thought out character. At every single Q&A panel and 4SD Marisha's summary boils down to "I wanted to make someone creepy, and then I thought 'what about a sun tree corpse, and what if her patron was Delilah'" and it it kind of stops there. When you couple it with the fact that Imogen was terrified of having any conflict with her until it became the only option, it really was like...I know Delilah was a big part of her backstory but Laudna did very little with her until episode 77 of the campaign. Like, for reference, Fjord had already helped fulfill 2/3rds of what his patron wanted and then broken his pact, gone without powers for almost 4 episodes, and found a new patron by pretty much exactly that point. There was almost no engagement with what it means to be a sorcerer (which Imogen covers skillfully even with all the new stuff that was thrown at Laura) and it was very little with an anticlimatic payoff for warlock (which, see Fjord, but also I'm not a big fan of Yu and at least they covered that concept adeptly).

Like...I remember at an early panel Marisha said "I don't want to think anymore" and the thing is like...it shows. Made a nonromanceable character and then said yes when romance came up. Didn't initially plan to take more warlock levels (already undercutting the idea of Delilah having much of a hold on her). Envisioned her character would be over her trauma and then extremely wasn't.

There's PCs I've disliked far more, or had more trouble with - Laudna's never been unlikeable. But she's always been just...profoundly disappointing until I gave up on her not being disappointing and decided she'd be there and do some cool things occasionally and never contribute a lot in the way of story.

For what it's worth, and this ties back to some of my thoughts on Campaign 3 generally, I do think that the CR cast could do another campaign in D&D in Exandria and it could achieve the heights of (pick C1 or C2 depending on personal preference; mine is C2 but I respect a C1 answer). But it requires a real session zero. I think the cast counts their mini playtests as a session zero, and I get it, because with the main cast there's not that same need to set personal boundaries or lines and veils because they know each other. But there isn't that same full-group planning. They've been releasing their Candela and Daggerheart session zeroes and just put out their Moonward one as well, and they talked extensively about the Calamity and Downfall planning sessions, and it's just...again, it shows. I think C1 and C2 work because, as I said in my post just now about Marquet, the characters sort of set the world and the campaign came from them. Once you have a more set plot in a more solidified world, I think you need to have that kind of group discussion, and they didn't, and Laudna especially feels indicative of that because I think a few pointed questions and Marisha would have realized there needed to be more to work with.

[ranticore]

selected pages from Shapeshifter Problems, a small exploration of old old concept art & thoughts on shapeshifter tropes (specifically the question of the 'true form') i posted to patreon earlier this year. there's a bunch more haha. here's some OLD art and bg process for writing said the black horse. I don't like my old art but looking back at it I'm really happy how I've developed since, I used to make everything too sharp, straight-sided, or skinny. I had to make a conscious effort to change that and now it's so much better.

image transcriptions under the cut (just the text sorry)

Image 1: "These are more of those older designs - the horns were a deliberate play into devil imagery on Puck's part while giving Félix this form (all to cause more torment of course) but again I couldn't vibe with it. Such clear statements of intent didn't work for me.

The scars remain canon but not quite so stark, more a difference in texture (again, moving away from visual details). His forehead scar is ALWAYS there."

Image 2: "Félix. These are really old - from 2019-2020. They're the first attempts at Félix's horse form. At the time I was leaning into some goat-like attributes. I liked the idea of something that looked like an emaciated amalgam of many familiar creatures but if you look closer, it actually doesn't look like any animal at all. The original body shape and proportions were inspired by moose. I didn't know how to draw convincing horse shapes which is why he had these hands and claws for so long. I still draw the little flower wheel pattern on his sides sometimes... a secret just for me. His belly fur, squared off ear shape, and beard are still defining characteristics"

Image 3: "More old art from 2020. Bottom left is my first ever painting on my iPad using Procreate. I still prefer SAI for creature drawings, or at least the original sketches underpinning a lot of my art. Below on the bottom was my attempt at a scarier form for the character but I ultimately decided that it ran contrary to the atmosphere I was trying to create. Top left is my first 'real' horse painting and it includes the tail shape which has not ever changed, and feathers, which I nixed because I wanted to learn how to draw the feet and legs properly and not rely on covering them up with flowing hair (my favourite thing to draw)"

Image 4: "Like the black horse designs, these humanoid designs for Félix (circa 2019 - OLD art!) started very complex and simplified over time. I decided to avoid visual complexity, but made the mistake of solidifying specific 'rules' for how the Púca servants' bodies work, and I deeply regret this. Because I wrote Said the Black Horse in 2021, I was still operating under the old mindset and that caused it to become somewhat established canon.

In his original iteration his tattoos represented magical contracts between him and various faeries, so they were supposed to be always visible as a reminder of that contract.

<- a really early furry version, I was playing with the eye on the neck as a design feature. Ultimately I feel that although it looks cool, the medium he exists in is proser. So I needed to move away from visually complex designs and towards designs which were interesting to different senses instead."

Image 5: "As time went on the design simplified. I enjoyed making fun textures using procreate brushes. These designs lack his forehead scar but do include his impalement scar. If you've seen my Hanged Man card you'll know how he got that one. But when I made the charts like this about how his body 'worked' in 2020, again I ran into the same issue I always do when writing about faeries... the more I explain it, the most 'logic' and 'science' goes into it, the less it feels like a faery story to me. Overexplaining is anathema to the faeries of Inver. so even though I like these design notes they just don't fit in this setting."

[not-terezi-pyrope]

There's a recurring issue that keeps happening in fantasy discourse that keeps happening to creators where including monsters in your worldbuilding gets distorted into a sort of fascist intent as people get gradually lore desensitised to said monsters and they become more and more a "mundane" or "natural" part of the fictional world in people's minds.

Here's how it works, from my observation.

The monster, as a concept, is an ancient mainstay of all fiction as it is a mainstay of the human psyche, representing primal fears and the abstract (unrealistic!) horror of the other. It has carved out an important role in media as an element that is broadly understood to be a thrilling antagonistic force that is removed from anything in the real world.

An author wants to write a story about heroes who regularly encounter and fight multiple monsters, because this is mechanically important for the type of media or narrative (maybe a video game world needs many creatures to fight, the high fantasy protagonist needs a "monster force" to threaten the world, the ghost hunter type hero needs various ghosts and ghouls to fight off each week.

The story gets released into the world and people become used to the monsters existing, to the extent that they begin to lose the narrative lens of the monster in their minds. They begin to treat the otherworldly monster as an element of the world, and then the idea of the monster as a purely antagonistic or evil force begins to sound absurd, as it is for any type of being in the real world, especially if the monster is intelligent. People get interested in subverting these elements of the monster, and derivative works including the type of monster begin to explore stories in which the monsters are actually neutral/good, but misunderstood, actors, due to their monstrous appearance or similar.

This interpretation of the monster as another kind of person, or benign animal, becomes widespread, with the monster solidified as a concrete part of the world in a way that is divorced from their conception as an unrealistic, otherworldly threat.

People look back at the original source work, and go, "hey! Why was the author so intent on displaying this group of creature as inherently gruesome and evil? This sounds like fascism!" And it makes sense why they think that, except that they have forgotten that said author was writing about a type of monster instead of an analogy for a human group or race. As such, with enough time and reinterpretation, people can find grounds to accuse authors of fascism for the crime of merely writing about monsters, which kind of sucks as a thing to do, in my opinion.

I think the Tolkien/D&D style Orc is the prototypical example of this, although there are many others, really it happens to some extent with any sort of "monster species" where there is more than one horror creature in your world. This is not to say that you can't interrogate issues with how certain monsters are portrayed - why evil orcs are portrayed with darker skin colours sometimes, for example, or... Pretty much everything going on with a lot of goblin-esque creatures, but I think it's important to remember that this is a different sort of criticism from, for instance, "Tolkien and the D&D people believe that certain types of being are inherent evil and need to be wiped out".

Because we can't forget that they were not writing a real type of person or creature, but a type of monster, and monsters are understood to be an unrealistic, otherworldly narrative contrivance. You have problems making them fit into the real world with a just mindset because they do not exist in the real world, they exist as monsters, and were written with this understanding that there is a common understanding of what that means and how it should be understood.

I feel like people need to keep that in mind in their analysis, else pretty much any creative can be smeared retrospectively for writing about monsters whatsoever. I think monsters are pretty cool in fiction and important to the human psyche, and think that they have a crucial place, as long as we remember the lens through which they should be considered in their conception, which is inherently outside of material reality.

That's also not to say we shouldn't subvert and interrogate and adapt monster tropes either, but doing so doesn't mean throwing out the original ideas as having gone rotten.

[anemoiashifts]

how to detach for reality shifting.

⋅˚₊‧ ୨୧ ‧₊˚.

♡ stop putting your dr on a pedestal.

we’ve heard this before but really. i mean it.

im going to assume if you’ve wanted to shift you’ve asked people what it is, asked shifting creators other questions, looked into theories. you were trying to expand your knowledge by looking for answers outwardly. looking for information isn’t a bad thing, but obsessing over what shifting is / isn’t can make shifting harder because your focused on the “what-if’s” & not living as you are. deciding to set out & rationalize shifting & policing others can be detrimental in your journey. this is why i say, i don’t care what shifting is because it’s something. & that should be enough.

the truth is, there is no 10000% concrete proof that shifting is this or that. there is no experiment that solidifies one theory or another, demeaning it as “correct”. they’re all just theories for a reason. so stop trying to rationalize is. find comfort in the unknown. in my opinion, that is the first thing needed in detachment. the letting go & elimination of overthinking how something works & just allowing it to work within time.

⋅˚₊‧ ୨୧ ‧₊˚.

♡ “ill shift & things will be better. ill be happy, ill accomplish this. ill be better.”

your reality is a mirror of your thoughts & internal world. if you’re someone who thinks “this world is awful” you will subconsciously search for things that affirm those beliefs. i saw this example before & i think it really drives this thought home. if you see yourself in the mirror & notice your lipstick got on your teeth, you’re going to wipe it off your teeth. meaning, the mirror didn’t change. you did.

looking for external validation may unintentionally self-sabotage because you are not in the feeling of having it. you are searching for it which is you reminding yourself you do not have it yet.

don’t put off your happiness. allow yourself to feel everything you’re expecting in your dr at this moment. neville goddard once suggested the practice of living your life & imagine what it would be like if you had your desire. continue your imagination with the mindset that you’ve already shifted / manifested / achieved everything you’ve ever wanted until it shows in the 3d, when you are in full alignment. you are focusing on your desire, thus you will recognize it more & watch it show itself in your exterior. the 3d is a mirror to the mind.

⋅˚₊‧ ୨୧ ‧₊˚.

♡ so how do we detach ?

there is no step by step, how to guide. in its simplest terms detaching is accepting & not obsessing over an outcome (when it comes, how you will achieve it) because you know it’s yours already. detaching doesn’t mean not caring or not thinking about our manifestations or —in this case— our desired realities. it means not overthinking your desires.

detaching is ultimately trusting yourself & the universe. that everything will work out in your favor no matter what.

you must change yourself before anything else. once the concept of self is changed, everything else in your life will follow. you decide what you are worthy of. you decide what life you want to live. you are the only one who can truly define yourself. every one else, every other person you have come across, only has their assumption & interpretation of you.

⋅˚₊‧ ୨୧ ‧₊˚.

i want to take a moment to speak about timing. there is no set time your manifestation will come. everyone attracts at different rates. it takes some people days to shift for the first time, it takes others months and some it can take years. patience & persistence is vital in manifesting.

example. some people are able to solve math problems really fast & get every answer correct on exam. while others need more time to preform at the same rate as the students who are able to complete their work faster. the quality of the work is the same. vs if the person who needed more time on math exams rushed through every single problem resulting in getting the answers wrong. everyone goes at their own pace & that’s okay.

a second example. let’s say your baking a cake. you put in all the ingredients correctly, you have to correct sized pan. but when it comes to baking it — let’s say 45 minutes — you keep opening the oven door to check on it every minute. it’ll never cook. you have to give things time & the seeds you’ve planted time to grow.

⋅˚₊‧ ୨୧ ‧₊˚.

[mariacallous]

If there’s one generalization that can stand the test of time, it’s that Jews love pickles. They’re a briny bit of respite from a heavy meal, the snack that solidifies the romantic connection between the protagonists of “Crossing Delancey,” and the hook that keeps people coming back to Sweet Pickle Books — a one-of-a-kind used bookstore at 47 Orchard St. on the Lower East Side that also sells its own line of pickles. 

If you’re questioning just how, exactly, one comes up with the concept of a pickle book store —  let alone one that’s become an au courant hangout spot downtown — you’re not alone. Founder and owner Leigh Altshuler, a 30-year-old book- and pickle-lover, came up with the idea at the beginning of the pandemic. 

“I knew [the store] was going to be books and something and it didn’t have a name, and I knew I wanted it to be after family and being Jewish…and I was  just thinking about the lowest common denominator between the two and it was just like..pickles. And that’s where it all began.” Altshuler said. 

The idea of opening a used bookstore first hit Altshuler at the beginning of the pandemic. “I really became a big ol’ mushy weirdo about books,” Altshuler said. “I went into Mercer Books which was closing that day in March at 3pm, and I remember a cop came in at, like 2:53, and asked the owner why he wasn’t closed yet. And I was just like, ‘he has time!’”

“I walked home and I just thought it was such a shame that these stores are closing and who knows what’s going to happen,” she said.

A former communications director for New York’s legendary used bookstore, The Strand, Altshuler saw the myriad of empty storefronts across the Lower East Side as an opportunity to set up a shop of her own. After losing her marketing job at the McKittrick Hotel and getting over a breakup in her shoebox apartment, Altshuler opened Sweet Pickle Books in October 2020. It was both a financial gamble and an attempt to honor her personal affinity for the used book industry — a community that felt especially precarious during the height of the COVID-19 pandemic.

As for the pickles, Altshuler and her boyfriend originally experimented with dozens of recipes from during the lockdown by testing out different salt and cucumber varieties until they batched out the first 360 jars — which barely lasted a month. Now, she sources the pickles from a Texas-based farm, and regular customers can swap their book donations for a free jar of branded pickles or buy them separately in store or online, coming in flavors bread and butter, spicy, and dill for $9.50-$12.95. 

Which, for operating in a neighborhood that used to be known as the Jewish “pickle alley” in the late 19th and early 20th century, feels perfectly kismet. Altshuler lives about four blocks away in the Lower East Side, and while taking walks during the pandemic saw the empty storefronts and remembered how growing up, relatives told her about the influx of Jewish immigrants that were able to sell and make pickles for cheap in barrels and pushcarts. On the cross street that Sweet Pickle Books is nestled between, over eighty Jewish pickle vendors used to make their living, which is history that Altshuler is very grateful she gets to inform people about for the first time and inadvertently continue the legacy. 

“When I first opened, everyone said I was crazy,” she said. “My dad kept on saying to me, ‘Oh, if you do it,’ and I was like, there’s no more ‘if’ here, it’s happening!”

“I don’t even know why I had such a belief it would work,” she added, “but I think it was just a feeling.”

Now, two years out, Sweet Pickle Books is a quirky literary destination for locals and tourists alike — and browsing through the store, it’s easy to see why. The railroad-style aisles are lined with love-worn paperbacks that tend to hover below the $10 mark, a disco ball swings in the corner, and the smooth stylings of the Vince Guardali Trio softly murmur from speakers throughout the store. There’s a pickle costume that young customers frequently take photos in, and big names like Harry Styles and Fran Leibowitz, said Altshuler, have popped in.  

To the untrained eye, it may seem like a miracle that a first-time business owner successfully opened a brick and mortar store during a pandemic — let alone one selling actual books amidst a digital culture that mostly obtains information online. Some people think it’s odd that people would even be interested in books anymore, let alone used ones. But Altshuler knows better than that. 

“Everyone always asks me, ‘Do people read anymore?’ But book people literally show up and haul books across town because they love it and care about these things,” Altschuler said. “[Sweet Pickle Books] just became the lowest common denominator where people could go for a low price tag and have a real conversation about something.”

Growing up in a heavily Jewish suburb in South Florida where she regularly cruised around the JCC, Altshuler always considered both her culture and religion an innate part of who she is and how she moves about the world. “I basically had no idea that people weren’t Jewish because that’s just where I was from,” she said. “My boyfriend is from Australia and he had no idea that you get a bowl of pickles with your meal at a diner, and I thought every restaurant in the world had that.”

Altshuler still proudly self identifies as Jewish, and running a business in the ancestral heart of Jewish history has only made her connection to her heritage even stronger.  “I think [Sweet Pickle Books has] connected me to faith in ways I didn’t really expect,” she said. “I’m understanding the themes in different ways,  and seeing the importance of passing tradition on. And so much of that is centered around food, but also stories — and storytelling is exactly what a bookstore is. I feel like it just makes sense.” 

In this way, Sweet Pickle Books became a conduit for tradition that feels authentic to Jewish customers and accessible for those who would like to learn more. “A customer of mine found out that she was Jewish and came to me on New Years Eve with a babka and a Zabars mug and told me that she wanted to thank me for teaching her so much about Judaism,” she said,  “and she was so happy to have a friend to talk to about being Jewish.”

“I just didn’t expect to be that person for someone,” she added. “That’s a really wonderful thing that I feel like my Jewish mother would be doing cartwheels over.”

Incidentally bridging the gap between communities isn’t something limited to Judaism, though, as Sweet Pickle Books is known to attract customers of all creeds — from the older, New York born-and-bred book hagglers that Altshuler lovingly refers to as her “curmudgeons,” to the droves of TikTok tweens in handkerchief tops, hoping to go viral by posting about a crazy new pickle shop. By harnessing the virtues of old school tradition and trendy innovation,  “I really do want to be the bridge between the two,” she said.

“Sometimes I just look at the store and I want to cry because it’s so sentimental to me — like, it’s so real and important in New York history,” she added. “So many people don’t know this was a pickling district, and every day, I’m like, how else would these conversations happen? It makes me look up stuff, and I feel very special that I get to tell people.”

[imthepunchlord]

I'm actually really excited to see Marinette, Juleka, and Rose on a hero team together, and we will hopefully interact more as civilians since, for a long time, I felt that going off more realistic friendships, those 3 would have been an interesting trio. Marinette does have common interests with both of them. Marinette and Juleka both have an interest in fashion that goes hand in hand. Marinette wants to design and make clothes, and Juleka wants to be a model (though apparently, in season 5, she says she wants to become a mortician when she grows up, which was probably just said cause she's goth, but maybe she could do both). Marinette and Rose actually seem to have a lot of common interests, like pink, cute things, and stuffed animals, and both are pretty artsy (Rose is in the art club, and in Darkblade, she is said to enjoy scrapbooking). Plus, the show implies Rose and Juleka have known each other and been friends for a long time (with Rose being the only one to know about Juleka's photo curse in Reflectka), so it wouldn't surprise me that Marinette could have befriended one and the other was brought in later.

What's kinda funny is that I've talked about this before with my Discord buddies. As a lot of friends that become and stay friends is usually through shared interests. Not to say it's always so but that's the usual.

And a friendship between Juleka, Marinette, and Rose does make sense as, yeah, they share interest. Also Rose's interest in perfumes overlaps with fashion.

Alya and Marinette, I actually couldn't think of much they had in common. Most of what they talk about is Adrien and plans to confess, and occasionally hero stuff. From what I see of her concept art, Alya did seem to have some interest in fashion (not as much as Marinette and maybe early Chloe?). Shame that was removed as that really could've solidified their friendship.

Additionally, there are other friendships I'm surprised I don't see.

Nino's interested in film and Mylene has an interest in acting, shouldn't they be close buddies? Adrien also has a knack for it so that could be another trio. The movie also had Nino as a skateboarder, so that could open up him being friends with Alix too.

Nathaniel likes comic book heroes like Alya, that's something that could've connected them. Could've been funny to see Alya pestering Nathaniel to draw their herosonas.

Video game wise, Max should be friends with Adrien and Marinette.

Speaking of Adrien, he does basketball and fencing. Shouldn't we see who's on those teams? Also does he know and worked with other teen models? He can't be the only one in Paris. And given he's rich and friends with the mayor's daughter, shouldn’t he be apart of an elitist group? Know others in Paris than just Chloe? Especially as it is canon that the rich parents want their kids to know other rich kids.

[styrofauxm]

So...you're questioning if you are aromantic and/or asexual...

...and you don't know where to start.

Well, here! This is my compilation of all the things that helped me figure myself out. I would adore it if other arospec and/or acespec individuals added on as well.

Resources/Research:

1. Forums

Being able to talk to people about my experiences was really helpful and validating. Being able to see other people's experiences that were similar to mine was also so helpful.

For asexuality, there's AVEN. There's a specific section for questioning people as well. For that section, I recommend only posting, not reading other people's posts. There's also this FAQ section with a ton of helpful information about asexuality in general. Overall, I suggest browsing the site, and posting any questions you have.

(small disclaimer: in my time there, I found AVEN to be pretty unfriendly to aromantic people. I have it on good authority that the problem has been solved, but I want to be honest that my personal experience wasn't all sunshine and rainbows)

For aromanticism, there's Arocalypse. It's a smaller forum than AVEN, but also supportive and helpful. There's an Anonymous Q&A section, where you can post without an account, as well as a Discussion section where you can learn more about aromanticism. There's also a non-forum FAQ, with additional resources linked at the top. Similarly to AVEN, stay off the posts of other questioning people, browse the site, and post any questions you have.

If neither of those work for you, I recommend Reddit, but only as a last resort. The moderation there can be interesting, and there's a lot of in-fighting. But, in my opinion, it's important to have that space if you need it.

2. Videos

Seeing people talk about being asexual/aromantic is really helpful for solidifying that they are real things for real people, not just concepts on the internet. They also provide the information in a more streamlined way than forums do.

My number one recommendation for this is Ash Hardell's series on asexuality and aromanticism. There's 3 parts (One Two Three). There's a ton of good information there, presented by asexual and aromantic people.

My second recommendation is to just go to Youtube and look up "am I asexual" or "am I aromantic". This will pull up a lot of videos of people talking through their own experiences.

3. Articles

If you want to read about asexuality and/or aromanticism, it's better to use the forums. Articles about us are often outdated or include incorrect information. Similarly, the forums are awful at giving information about what sexual and/or romantic attraction is.

That's what articles are more useful for. There's a ton out there describing the experience of sexual and romantic attraction, as well as the development of it in humans. That's very helpful for figuring out if you actually feel it or not.

When looking stuff up about sexual/romantic attraction, make sure you use sources you can trust. Sexual attraction is an area where pseudoscience thrives. If you don't know the source, this site is great for checking if it is factual and unbiased.

Non-Research Stuff To Do:

1. Write down your thoughts

One of the issues I ran into while questioning is that I would figure something out, then a few weeks later, doubt myself on that. So I started writing stuff down. This both helps you remember stuff, and verifies that it happened.

2. Just try out the label(s)

Just use them. It doesn't hurt anybody, and you can always stop. You can use the umbrella terms acespec and/or arospec, or just use aromantic and/or asexual (which also function as umbrella terms). This will give you a feel for if the label is right for you. Remember, it's okay to be wrong.

3. Seek out positivity

Go find asexual and/or aromantic people who celebrate being asexual and aromantic. It's helpful in feeling comfortable enough to use the label(s).

What Not To Do:

1. Do not read other questioning people's stuff

This isn't helpful, just confusing. Trust me. Read it after you have yourself figured out.

2. Do not go through the microlabels

Going through microlabels is helpful once you know you are acespec and/or arospec. Not before. Put the queer wiki down. It won't save you.

3. Do not go into spaces that focus on issues

This also isn't helpful, just upsetting. These spaces are helpful for people who are confident in their identities. Not for people questioning.

Other:

Go through the notes! Hopefully, people have added stuff!

[twiniverse]

Temple Redesign for Twiniverse fan project thingy

Since I'm redoing a lot of old pages, it's probably time to update the Temple Fusion. Considering it's just an Obsidian made with Rose, Pearl, Jasper, Peridot, and Lapis... and then I just took out Jasper's gem and added Amethyst and Ruby... that's kind of boring. She's beautiful imo but she's just not unique to Twiniverse.

Sooooo I'm going to be redesigning her. And her name will be Onyx, based on black onyx with white and golden markings. She'll have some kind of crown that has both Pearl and Peridot's gems... and I'm thinking of maybe making her somewhat... cryptid-ish? Like a mothman kind of thing but less... animalistic?

Anyway I'm telling y'all this because... I am not good at designing monsters lol. That's a big reason I didn't redesign Obsidian to begin with. Soooooooooo what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna ask you guys for ideas.

This is not a contest. There will be no prizes. But I WILL reblog every "entry" and show them off later in a livestream.

Just kind of a fun thing. I most likely won't choose any one design, it will just really help me solidify a design by having lots of new ideas from fans!

All you need to do is make a post with your ideas, which can be something you've drawn or just a bunch of reference pictures and a description of what you think Onyx would look like. She does NOT have to be based on Obsidian or the Twiniverse Obsidian. She also does NOT have to have any design components I mentioned above (the crown, the cryptid thing, etc). Just whatever you personally feel like the fusion would look like =)

@ me in the post and tag it 'twiniverse' and I'll add it to a list of all the ideas I've got! And when I start getting the feeling I've gotten an idea of what the final product will be I will do a livestream and feature all of the suggestions as I work on the concepts for Onyx.

Just as a reminder, here are the five components! (Technically six lol). The outfits aren't important, so don't feel like you have to tick too close to them. And, just in case you want it, here's the OG Twiniverse Temple, but remember any design you might have does NOT need to be based off of this.

I just thought this all would be fun! Something to let people feel like they're apart of Twiniverse in some way. I understand that without prizes a lot of people won't want to join, and that's completely fine. I get it! And I won't be upset whether I get "entries" or not.

Thank you all once again for your patience and all that jazz. I'm trying to still be active even while I'm swamped with a million other things, and throwing myself into Art Fight on top of it, lol. Love all my followers! See you soooooon!

(AND IF I DON'T GIVE YOUR POST A LIKE/REBLOG AFTER A FEW DAYS PLEASE MESSAGE ME, I MAY HAVE MISSED IT. The like will signify it's in a queue)

[mintytea-exe]

Conceptually, and in pay off, chapter 20 of the silt verses is one of my favourite episodes so far. One thing I have always really enjoyed is the aspect of postmodernism in 20th century (and onwards) horror. When a piece of media draws attention to its own artificiality, which chapter 20 does through Hembry's delivery of the stage directions of all three characters (himself, Paige and Hayward). The focus on the episode as something that has been purposefully created is easily seen through what would otherwise be incorporated into the story of episode - the voice acting credits.

The choice to refer to them as simply the "performers" here (in stark comparison to previously references of them as "our disciples") is attention grabbing. Within this episode all about an artificial performance that Hembry creates for his god, the audiences attention is drawn to the fictional nature of the show itself. It makes incredible use of incorporating the form of the work, as an audio drama, directly into the way it tells its story. The way the stage directions in the transcript of the episode reflect Hembry's spoken stage directions add to and solidify this concept.

Really, I am just so obsessed with this episode's concept and the way it uses it to create such a horrifying outcome. I have not been able to stop thinking about it since listening to it.

[nemo-in-wonderland]

You know what?

While drinking my coffee just now, I was brainstorming between myself and myself regarding my own OC for Gale, and while I have *finally* a general idea of how I want her to look (palette is ready to go and also the general vibes to her)and about her personality ("A Tranquil Mischief"- I basically decided to make her Puck to her Archfey Patron Titania), when I was working on which class would she be, I was leaning to a multiclass Bard/Warlock.

But then I thought, "You have Aranea as a warlock already, are you really going for another one?"

(not even my own brain can tell me what I cannot do. I would do it out of spite, just because lol)

To which I replied to myself: "I can and I will. And you know what, I will retcon Aranea's original warlock concept, and so Gale's love is going to be a freaking Archfey Warlock - because fml it suits her mischievous personality to a T. Like, blame the fact that yesterday night I was rereading "Changeling: The Dreaming" for inspiration for something else entirely, and this morning my brain just connected everything together.

SO YEAH.

I have *finally* a concept to start building on, so now we will see where this will lead and if I will finally have an OC that sticks for Gale (I need to have an oc cuddling him fml. I need. it's a physical need at this point).

Also also, I haven't forgotten about my own Azriel and Asra, absolutely not! For Asra, I am going to pair her up with Rolan (because my no-nonsense druid can and will match his pompous energy to a T, and will bring him down to Earth when the Hubris starts flying too high). I can see them butting heads like there is no tomorrow, and EVERYONE can see that they really like each other, but they will deny this to the end of the Earth and back.

Azriel, instead is a mystery. While I want my swashbuckling tiefling to run around Faerun (because honestly, her whole design appeals to me on a whole other level) I am still pondering on HOW to use her, and part of me was actually thinking to reconnect her to be the youngest daughter of Mephisto and Aranea, born much later in life and that wants NOTHING to do with her Hellions family (which is something that is actually solidifying more and more in my mind tbh).

SO YES.

here you have your morning bulletin on what's going on in Nemo's mind before and while drinking coffee lolol

Now, if you will excuse me, I will fix myself some breakfast and doodle a bit while I am at it, because I will soon need my second coffee and I cannot do that with an empty stomach lolol

--Nemo

[amberlynnmurdock]

Blind Faith (Ch. 11)

Chapter Eleven: Logic Games

Pairing: Matt Murdock x Reader

Summary: You start noticing things about Matt you haven't noticed before. Nelson & Murdock receives an invitation to the annual Bar Dinner at the New York Courthouse.

A/N: Here's the next update! This chapter really sets the plot of the story. I guess this is the start of "Act 2." I can't wait to read what you all think is going to happen. AHHH. So much more to come! Enjoy!! :)

TAGS: @starry-night-20 @sumsytee @queerqueenlynn @mattmurdocksstarlight @marvelcinematiquniverse 

AO3 Link

Hell’s Kitchen 

Another few weeks have gone by without seeing him. 

You didn’t dare think of his name, whomever he was. It wasn’t fair you gave him all that time, all that attention, all that affection, just for him to take it for granted and hurt you the way he did. Never again. You solidified it by throwing his burner phone in your apartment dumpster. You really didn’t need him to save you anymore. 

At least the last few weeks have been more productive than ever. Instead of going out, you stayed in. You enjoyed the quiet in the apartment. It was just you, your LSAT textbook, and your corner desk that gave you a view of the city. If he ever crossed your mind, it was only for a second. A second that made your heart feel like it weighed a thousand pounds. And the moment he left your mind, the weight was gone. 

Well, it was the summer of falling in love with vigilantes, you’d say. A summer you’d never forget—a story you’d be passing down like an urban legend. No one knew of this but only you and him. 

Summer was almost at an end, but your studying wasn’t letting up. If anything, it only got more intense as each night went on. You fervently highlighted concepts of logic games, reading comprehension, and logical reasoning. You were on your second notebook now, a notebook filled with explanations of answers and helpful tips to keep in mind. It was satisfying to see how much you’ve gotten done. 

You snuck in a few studying sessions before work, too. You started getting to the office even earlier. It was easier to forget him when you weren’t at home. So being at the office was a helpful distraction. It helped you focus on things at hand, not things your mind sometimes betrayed you to think of. Instead of thinking of his hands on your waist, you felt how your office chair hugged your body when you leaned back. Instead of thinking of your lips on his, you felt your lips burn at your first sip of coffee. Instead of thinking of all the times you’ve waited for him on your rooftop, you waited for Matt’s arrival to join you in the office. 

And, maybe you never noticed this before, but you certainly were starting to now. One morning, Matt had come in shortly after you. You did your normal morning routine of fixing him up a cup of coffee, to which he politely declined. Slowly putting the cup back in its place, Matt walked by you in the kitchen, and you saw blood dripping down the side of his face. The gasp that left your mouth betrayed you. 

“What’s wrong?” Matt asked, his brows furrowed behind his dark red glasses. 

“I—you’re bleeding,” you said slowly, as you began to closely inspect his wound. It was coming from his temple, poorly covered by a thin bandage. You grabbed for a napkin and before dabbing his wound, you paused. 

“Can I help you clean it? It’s pretty gnarly. It might get on your shirt,” you offered in a small voice. “And you’ve got that hearing later today.” 

“Yeah,” Matt said after some hesitation.

You washed your hands before removing the small bandage from his right temple. Using the napkin, you dabbed at his wound gently—you couldn’t help but wonder how on earth he hurt himself like this. Then again, he was blind…but you didn’t want to offend him. 

“How’d you get this?” You asked as casually as you could. 

“I bent down to get something in my bathroom cabinet,” Matt explained, “I hit my head on the door. I must’ve missed when putting my bandage on. Y’know,” he shrugged sheepishly. You dabbed his wound and tried to ignore the small space between you and your boss. He leaned on the counter with his left hand, his head tilted in the dimly lit kitchen for you to have access to his wound. You were so close, you could smell a hint of his cologne. 

You found a first aid kit that was nearly out of bandaids in the kitchen. Noted. You would pick some up along with coffee and plates tomorrow. 

“I don’t mean for you to take this the wrong way, but have you ever considered a guide dog?” You asked. You placed a brand new bandage that completely covered his wound. Crumpled the bloody napkin and threw it in the trash. Matt let out a soft chuckle. 

“You’re not the first who’s suggested that,” Matt answered. “I don’t think I could handle a dog. I get by on my own fine, save for a few head bumps.” 

“True,” you felt obliged to agree. “Well, you’re all set. Hopefully, the bandaid lasts all day. If not, I can play Nurse again.” Play nurse. That sounded so wrong, you thought. Dammit. 

Matt grinned, tapping his covered wound. “Thank you.” 

“You’re welcome,” you said. Matt cleared his throat and left the kitchen for his office. You found your place in your seat, closed your LSAT textbook, and began to work on files for Nelson & Murdock. 

Later in the day, before Matt’s hearing, you changed his bandaid again, in his office. Door closed. Karen was on the phone with someone in the conference room and Foggy was locked in his office writing a brief. 

You changed Matt’s bandaid. He was silent as he sat in his chair, letting you clean his wound again. You had nothing to say. But you couldn’t shake the strange feeling you got when you noticed how pained he looked, even behind his dark red glasses. It wasn’t as bloody anymore; it shouldn’t hurt anymore. But you were close enough to see how hurt he looked. Jaw clenched, brows furrowed, eyes closed. He didn’t say anything. Did it hurt that bad? 

⠋⠁⠊⠞⠓

Another day in the week, you were really starting to go through the motions of forgetting about him. It was so hard to forget how he made you feel at night. Not just the way he pleased you, but the way he made you feel safe. How you felt so much yourself around him, a stranger in the night. Except he didn’t feel like a stranger at all. How could you feel so passionately for someone whose identity you didn’t know? 

These thoughts plagued your mind; it was hard to detach emotionally. Emily was a psychology major. What was it she said about physical and emotional attachments? It took longer for emotional attachments to go away? Well, it’s only been a month now. August was upon the city. And still, you thought of the emotions he stirred in you. 

Instead of leaving the office at five, like everyone else, you asked if it was okay for you to study for the LSAT in the conference room after hours. 

“Are you sure?” Foggy asked, scrunching his nose. “I mean, I don’t mind, but I can’t imagine being stuck in the office for more than eight hours.” 

“I want to,” you said, “the conference table is big enough for my books. Plus, it’s Friday night, and my roommates will be loud before they head out.” 

“As long as you feel safe,” Karen added. “Text us if you need anything. It can get pretty dark in this area.”

“I’ll be fine.” An image of him flashed in your mind. You didn’t need him anymore. You never did. 

“I’ll be staying late,” Matt interjected, coming out of his office. “I have a few files to catch up on.”

Karen exhaled a sigh of relief. You appreciated how concerned she was for your safety. “Okay. Okay, good.” After working here for a few months, you understood Karen has probably seen the worst of this city in ways you can’t even imagine. 

“Great! Well, I guess Josie’s is off the books tonight. Unless you guys wanted to meet us in an hour or so?” Foggy asked. 

“Maybe,” you were open to the idea. “Let me know where you are in two hours. And hopefully, I get enough studying in so I don’t feel guilty.” 

“Awesome! Hopefully, we’ll see you later.”

Karen and Foggy left, and Matt returned to his office. You sat at the conference table for a while, completely immersed in your textbook. Your mind felt clear and focused as you took notes and answered practice problems. Copying down explanations, reading passages carefully. 

A knock came on the conference door. Of course, it was Matt. 

“Hey,” he greeted quietly. “How’s studying going?” 

“Good,” you answered, “I’m starting to get the hang of it all. Taking practice tests. Logic games are a little tricky.”

Matt smiled, “Logic games were my favorite part of the test.” 

“It’s possible to have a favorite part?” You asked incredulously. Matt laughed. 

“Sometimes, it’s not about the analysis of the test, but your mindset going into it. Don’t treat it like something you have to do; treat it like a hobby.”

“Interesting,” you thought aloud. “Next study session, I’ll have to think of it that way. I don’t want to get burned out.” 

“Definitely don’t get burned out,” Matt agreed. “You’ll need to be sharp on test day.” 

“I know,” you said, “I’m finding a balance.” He leaned against the wall in the conference room, hands in his pockets. Your eyes trailed down to his hands. You saw how red his knuckles were. Bruised, basically. 

“Did you fall, or hurt yourself again?” You asked him. Caught off guard, Matt looked confused. “Your knuckles,” you added. 

“Oh,” Matt took his hands of out his pockets and kept them behind his back. “You know me.” 

You worried, for some reason. But you didn’t press the situation. 

“You know, I wouldn’t mind helping you with any LSAT studying,” Matt offered, “if you wanted.” 

“I’d like that,” you answered, your mind trailing off from his red knuckles. “I’ll use any help I can get. I don’t want to pay for any tutors.”

“I have some time now?” Matt asked. You thought for a moment. It’s been a while since you’ve done anything else but study, and Foggy’s offer of Josie’s was tempting. 

“Maybe we should meet them at Josie’s,” you suggested. “I could use a drink.” 

On your way to Josie’s, you walked with Matt, his hand gently on your elbow, cane tapping in front of him. You couldn’t take your eyes off his red knuckles the whole time. 

⠋⠁⠊⠞⠓

The following Monday, Foggy got the mail from the box outside. He flipped through the envelopes: bill, bill, Super Lawyers magazine, bill, and then suddenly, a large, tapered envelope with a gold stamp appeared in the bunch. It was from the New York Courthouse. Foggy ripped open the envelope and pulled out another tapered paper, with cursive writing and a gold trim. 

The New York Courthouse cordially invites Nelson & Murdock to the Bar Dinner. Please visit us on Friday, August 18th, promptly at 7 PM. Join us for a four-course meal and open bar. Please RSVP by the end of the week, and who will be joining us from your law firm. Maximum two guests. 

“Matt! Matt!” Foggy came running into Matt’s office, shutting the door behind him. “We got invited!” 

“We? For what? Is someone getting married?” Matt asked brows scrunched, one earplug in his ear.

Foggy sighed, “No, you idiot, to the Bar dinner! Our first invite!” Foggy read the invite aloud, and his face dropped when he realized the date. 

“Oh no,” Foggy said, “it’s on the 18th. I’m going to a wedding. Marci’s cousin—damn it! I’ll be gone the whole weekend. Maybe Karen can—“

“The 18th? Karen’s on PTO. Visiting her father in Vermont,” Matt remembered. “There’s always next year, Fog.” 

“No, Matt—we have to go this year. At least, one of us! And it’s got to be you,” Foggy demanded. “We need someone to represent us!” 

“I thought we didn’t care about these showy things,” Matt argued, “they’re filled with nothing but a bunch of pretentious Harvard grads who only care about rubbing shoulders and money.” 

“That’s true but—can’t we just play the part? For one night? Get some recognition, show these chummy lawyers what real justice is!” 

“By eating fancy dinners and getting drunk?” Matt scoffed. “Come on, Fog. It’s not that important.” 

“Well then, at least take advantage of the free food and make fun of the chummy lawyers. Come on, Matt. Please go. Hey! Take __, too! She would love that, don’t you think?” 

Matt’s stomach twisted at the mention of you, the idea of bringing you to a fancy Bar dinner, as his date. It’s been hard enough on Matt to pretend he doesn’t love you, doesn’t care about you like that in the office—to also go to an intimate Bar dinner with you? And pretend again? 

“Oh, Foggy,” Matt took his earbud out of his ear, took his glasses off and rubbed his face. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“Why not?” Foggy questioned, “It would be a great experience for her. Something fun. Get all dressed up, make connections.”

“Make connections with the same chummy lawyers we just talked about.” 

“Not all of them are bad. HC&B will be there, I’m sure of it.” 

“Wouldn’t it be weird, me bringing her as my…as my date?” 

“Matt, why are you even thinking like that? It’s for two associates from every firm. It’ll be coworkers, it won’t look weird.”

Matt sighed, his gaze falling short. “If she wants to go, I’ll go.” 

“I’ll ask her,” Foggy quickly said. “Or—actually, you should. Take her under your wing.” 

“I’ll ask her at the end of the day,” Matt said lowly, regretfully.

Foggy clapped his hands, “I’m counting on you, buddy. It’ll be a good time. Make us look good.” 

Matt forced a laugh as Foggy dropped the invitation on his desk. Matt ran his fingers over the texture of the paper and felt the cursive letters. He flipped the paper and sighed. It wasn’t getting any easier, working with you, talking with you. He was pretending all over again. 

⠋⠁⠊⠞⠓

You and Matt stayed after hours again. Matt wasn’t really working, though—he was building the courage to ask you about the Bar dinner. As you wrote fervently in your notebook, studying the LSAT, Matt listened to you from his office. You whispered to yourself the questions, thought out the answers. Your heartbeat was steady. Calm. It reminded him of how you felt in his arms on your rooftop, safe. Before things went badly. 

Ever since, Matt’s completely thrown himself into his work—and not his lawyer work, but his other work. He went out nearly every night and found crime to stop, at the expense of his body. So much, you were starting to notice his bruises and wounds. When you cleaned his wound that one morning, he told himself he shouldn’t let you help him. And it was worse when you actually touched him. Your touch that transported him back to your roof, when you’d let him touch you all over. He craved your touch again. When you helped him again later that day, the thought was so painful, he had to keep quiet. Keep to himself. Not let you know how your touch had an effect on him. 

Matt entered the conference room, knocked on the door as he usually did. You paused your writing. By the sound of your voice, he could tell you were smiling at him. A smile he can only imagine. 

“Hey,” you greeted him. “Treating this like a hobby.” You said in reference to his advice last week. Matt laughed. 

“Good, good. I still want to help you study, but you seemed pretty focused.” 

“Yeah," you said sheepishly, “I mean, if you want to join me now.” 

Matt felt the envelope in his back pocket crinkle. It could wait. Matt reached out in front of him to feel for the desk. He sat in the chair next to you, his knee accidentally nudging yours—you were that close. 

“Tell me what you’re working on,” Matt said. 

Logic games, of course. You read through the problems and explained your answers to him. Matt felt like he was half there, and the other half he was thinking of all the hurtful things he’s done to you, as your savior. Talking to you like you didn’t exile him a while ago was hard. It was like talking with lead, talking with a bitter taste in his mouth. He pushed these thoughts away, explained his view on certain logic game problems. It was a good distraction, but not long enough. Your laugh in his ears, your scent in his nose, your presence next to him—all terrible and lovely reminders of what he could’ve had with you if he’d just been honest. 

Matt left the conference room as you began to pack your things. He still hasn’t asked you about the Bar dinner. 

When he exited his office, you nearly ran into him as you walked toward him. Your chests collided. Matt’s heart pounded as he fought the urge to pull you in close like that. 

“Oh,” you jumped, “I’m sorry. I should’ve just waited by the front door.” 

“No, no,” he said, “It’s okay.” He didn’t change the distance between you both, which was very close. Matt felt the envelope in his pocket. “Did you need something?” 

“No, I just wanted to wait for you,” you said laughing softly. 

“Oh,” Matt smiled, “okay. Well, I actually had a question for you.” He reached for the envelope in his back pocket and held it up upside down. You gently took the paper from his hands and read the invitation. 

“I was wondering if you’d be interested in going,” Matt said, “with me. Foggy will be out of town and Karen’s on PTO. And he really, really wants our firm to be represented.” 

“Wow,” you said in slight shock, “this is pretty legit. I’m allowed to go?” 

Matt cocked his head and made a “why not” face. “If you want.” 

“Definitely,” you said, holding the invitation in amazement. “I guess I’ll have to get a fancy dress.” 

“I’ll have to rent a tux,” Matt chuckled. “Good. Then it’s a date. Well, you know—not a date, but—“

“I know, Matt,” you said softly. His gaze was down, his expression unreadable behind his dark red glasses. You felt the urge to take them off. 

He was still standing close to you, but you felt an invisible buffer of tension between your chests. An undeniable tension you wanted to get out of immediately—not because you were scared, but because you were curious—which you thought was worse. You swallowed hard. A warmth spread in your stomach. 

“We should get going, right?” Matt broke the silence. You backed away as he grabbed for his coat on the hanger. 

“Right,” you agreed. 

You and Matt walked outside, his hand on your elbow. When you reached the corner of the street, you turned to face him. You found he was already gazing in your direction, behind his dark red glasses. 

“Well,” you began, “get home safe, Matt. I’ll see you tomorrow morning.” 

“Be safe,” Matt added, holding onto your elbow as you made an attempt to walk away. You gladly fell back in his grasp. Matt’s hand let go of your elbow. His fingers gently traced the length of your forearm, fingertips stopping at your wrist. Your heart fluttered, feeling his fingertips dangerously close to your hand. Matt pulled away, and offered a smile. 

“I will,” you broke the silence, still feeling his soft touch. Like his touch, your thoughts lingered on the moment for the rest of the night.