#which makes me that much more scared as to what to expect for 2023 but there'll be a few good surprises there i hope

[sinterblackwell]

most surprising reads of 2022

(aka part II (part I) in my short series of highlighting books that didn't quite make the cut in my top 10 reads of the year (because again...we're now at 136) but still rewired my brain so completely in different ways that i had to talk about them somehow)

warning: this is also a long one. but i had a lot of fun with it :') it's actually convinced me to think about making my own book blog on some other site to have some kind of audience, because it's clear there's potential.

anyways, these were the books that shocked the hell out of me in ways i didn't expect and left a positive marker on my brain.

let the long-winded rants and shows of praise commence 🥂

(in order of read date)

- game changer (game changers, #1) by rachel reid (january 31)

"If you think the world finding out how much I love you is scary to me, you’re dead wrong.”

i have a very soft spot for this first book, and it was for reasons completely subjective that has me on the offense if anyone was to read this because of me and then just absolutely despised it :’)

those reasons stemmed from how i discovered this story in the first place, which was through a blogger’s story on instagram where i just so happened to stumble across a slide where they declared little mix’s “secret love song, pt. II” to be kip & scott’s song. this pair wasn’t even the blogger’s favorite couple, they will always scream about shane & ilya in heated rivalry, but for some reason, they felt the need to share how this song was kip to scott throughout the course of the book. the voices in the song were so angelic and so captivating, that it was what convinced me to read this queer hockey romance that had never been on my radar before this moment.

and maybe it’s because of this song that i ended up finding myself obsessed with this book because no, the writing isn’t the best—it’s pretty average, and the dialogue at times made it a little hard to fully be in the moment. and yeah, kip & scott aren’t one of my most favorite fictional couples ever, but there was just something about the way the lyrics of “secret love song, pt. II” were completely spot-on for these two’s story, how i understood exactly why the blogger felt the urge to connect this song and this story together and post it on instagram……

just because i didn’t think the writing wasn’t the best doesn’t mean that it was very poor; it had its highlights and being in scott and especially kip’s povs made their romance very endearing. i loved all the small & little details about how kip was trying to move forward in his life beyond working in this smoothie shop after having trouble finding anything else with his bachelor’s degree in history. i loved how even though this was my first hockey book in a long while, i was already so absorbed in this sport through scott’s pov, and i was absorbed with what it meant to him as someone who’s now an NHL superstar but was once a low-income kid who was barely hanging on as his mom fought to keep them going. i loved the exploration of scott’s coming out, and how he did have a circle to turn to once he stepped out of his fears that kept him in the closet; and i loved how the author went about making clear that he wasn’t the only closeted NHL player, and how significant it would be if he did make the choice to come out with kip by his side.

what i love love loved about this book though?? a detail i’m absolutely obsessed with?? there’s no drama. it’s the fact that there were literally so many parts of the story that could’ve been the trigger for even more drama and to push the characters further away from each other, but the author purposefully steered clear of it. it’s so completely laughable, and maybe just to me, because there would be instances where things could’ve gone so wrong if the characters hadn’t made certain decisions, or if the author simply wrote it just to write it. it felt almost cheeky these small nods to potential drama that would never actually happen because there really was no need, at least not for this book here. kip & scott’s story was really soft, and yeah there was still some trouble (“secret love song, pt. II” is their song for a reason), but i was in it for the long haul, i was invested.

that’s the surprise there. i came into this story with pretty wary expectations and to see them actually be met, and to have then found myself constantly coming back to it and rereading it while i was picking up other stories. well…….this isn’t one of my top favorite reads of 2022, but it has a special place in my heart for the reading experience—one that lasted weeks so….i wanted to give it a shoutout somehow :’)

(also literally had “secret love song, pt. II” on repeat while writing this to encourage me to let out all my feelings on this book here, so emotions are kinda raw right now lol)

- electric idol (dark olympus, #2) by katee robert (march 25)

“Tell me you’re spinning out just as much as I am. Tell me I’m not in the depths alone.”

this was surprising in the sense that the writing in the first book of this series, neon gods, felt so bizarrely average that reading this sequel here completely caught me off guard. for a good minute or two, i questioned how this could be the same author, which is probably just me reading too much into things, but it was a genuine reaction i will always remember i had.

i said this in the tags of a post once, but for an author who’s had a couple books already under her belt, neon gods reading like a meh debut was strange, and it wasn’t until reading this book here that i really got a sense of where their writing was at. i’m no professional critic, and so this is completely something i grasped from my reading experience.

i think it was the appeal of eros & psyche that helped make the story more engaging and gave a lot more for the author to work with because the way they explored eros’ toxic relationship with his mother and then psyche’s character herself was very interesting to me. i loved the chemistry between the two, especially since at first, things were completely on edge with the hit that aphrodite places on psyche, with eros being the one assigned to deal the killing blow. the way this pair interacted from the beginning was immediately charged because of this hit, and it made everything after feel so high stakes and their growing romance really captivating.

i’m glad that with this book, it encouraged me to continue on with this series as the overarching plot that’s become incredibly significant in all three books so far has grown stronger & stronger over time, so i’m really eager for what’s to come now that i know what this author’s capable of.

- icebreaker by a.l. graziadei (april 8)

this is one of those cases where it wasn’t the story itself, but rather the surprise lying at how attached i got to the main character, mickey james III.

the most that i knew about this book going into it was that it was a ya contemporary romance with hockey playing right at the center, and there was also a significant portrayal of mental illness, with the mc experiencing clinical depression. i also was aware of some mixed things readers felt regarding the romance in particular, which goodreads tags it as first & foremost (a common thing with other books that irks the hell out of me). with this criticism and knowledge in mind, i was on a very cautious edge.

so you can imagine how stumped i felt when i saw myself reflected in the main character.

i wish i can be able to flesh out all my feelings and lay it all out on the table here, blood & guts and all, how much mickey’s character spoke to me and how we’re two completely different people who still felt very similar because of small reactions he had throughout the story or just how tired he got.

Whenever I think of Alyssa and Hugh, or Dorian’s relatable music or Cauler’s face when he said “what would you do if I said yes”, I just get so tired, I want to crawl in bed and not come out for five years. It’s not even sadness. It’s nothingness.

.

It’s so obvious. I’m so obvious. Why can’t anyone see what’s really going on? I love hockey. I do. I swear. My brain just doesn’t let me show it or feel it or . . . or . . .

he would say certain things, most of it all inside his head, and i’ll be reading it and i’ll actually be tearing up because i’ll never get used to the feeling of seeing another writer just get it, and the fact that they don’t even know me makes it feel worse. it feels worse to see what mickey goes through and how he internalizes most of it, which just makes certain things go downhill. he’s like this other character, mina, from tashie bhuiyan’s a show for two, who i feel the need to defend with all my heart— the difference is that in this case, i know mickey, almost like how he knows himself, and anyone who brushes over what he goes through or paints him simply as an asshole will only gut me because it’s close to my own experiences in my own life.

the truth is much more complicated, and the things mickey says or does or even believes at times do put him at fault, but it doesn’t make him a bad person. and it doesn’t make him someone who never even tries. the hockey element to this story is very strong, and it was interesting getting to see a different angle of this sport through these characters who were playing as a team at a university. it was interesting seeing how far these expectations go for these young kids who might have the opportunity to get drafted into the NHL, but they have to make successful plays at first, both on and off the ice. seeing the commentators at their team games who would make these critiques about mickey when his mind was at its worst, it felt so personal…..i knew how biased it might’ve been but it really was just so personal. i was rooting for him a lot and i was rooting for other characters, too, and i loved how even when mickey felt alone most of the time, he still had moments with his big family and moments with his team that alleviated the story quite a bit.

i didn’t love nor hate the romance, it was pretty okay in my opinion—i liked the way the author didn’t just explore the kind of difficulties mickey was going through but that other characters as well, aka cauler, were—it just so happened to be for different reasons. it painted a picture of how rough playing hockey can be for different people, who all have their own strengths but that also means they have their weaknesses, too, and they’ll always be judged on that, whether it’s with their hockey sticks or through harsh words.

above all of that, what generally just really surprised me about this story is how much i connected to mickey’s character without expecting it, and it definitely put some things to light for my own life that even all these months later after first reading this book back in april, i still don’t quite know what to do with. i want to try, just as mickey tries. i don’t know if that’s enough but yeah, reading this story was enough for me at the time.

- café con lychee by emery lee (may 17)

Theo gives me this look that's equal parts reassuring and heart-stopping, and maybe that's just his way of saying that my secret is safe with him, but the voice in the back of my head is finally shutting up, and I feel like everything might just be okay.

the more time that passes between now & my time reading this book back in may, the more i feel sorta mystified that i gave it five stars. it’s nothing against the story or the author, and i’ll never change that rating (unless i did a reread and wanted to update it) because what i do have a clear memory of is how happy this book made me towards the end. in fact, i remember feeling so happy, that it literally brought tears to my eyes.

but the reason why i feel strange now is because of what i’ve heard from others regarding their concerns about the romance here, which could pretty much read as like a bully romance. the way theo regards gabi for a good first quarter of the book and the way he makes gabi feel raises a lot of concerns because it’s not like he necessarily goes out of his way to directly attack gabi, physically or verbally. more so, it’s just his general attitude towards him, and when they do interact, he’s very openly mean. it’s something theo accepts as a general part of his personality, but he does reconcile with that and how a lot of his attitude stemmed from some other factors in his life—particularly his family struggles—that made his time at school feel like a big weight on his shoulders. that doesn’t excuse him from how badly he treats gabi at times, and for that, some readers might feel put off by it, and rightfully so.

it’s something i have to reckon with because i do have a clear memory of theo being generally mean towards gabi, and it made for some really awkward/tense scenes because gabi experiences a lot of anxiety so every situation to him is dialed up at a panic level of over 50, so whenever he fumbled around theo and theo snapped, it was a lot to wade through. with that all in mind, i still gave this book the five stars and so i have to wonder the significance behind that. did i find the way that theo treated gabi in the beginning cute? did i think that theo was being mean towards gabi as like one of those classic situations where the guy teases/bullies the main character as a way to get their attention? no, not at all. regarding the latter, it’s very clear that theo had no attraction to gabi in the beginning.

so what did attract him to gabi, and vice versa? that was what the rest of the book was for, seeing this pair get to know each other beyond surface impressions and sort of bond over their shared passion of keeping their families’ businesses afloat in the midst of this new fusion restaurant that was blatantly stealing cuisines from other cultures to make their own profit (and it wasn’t even good!! but more customers kept flocking their way to there anyways). both theo & gabi have different strengths that build towards making this new business plan to save their families, and it was cool especially for gabi, to see him become more comfortable as the story went on and have the opportunity to be more creative.

i think what made me the most emotional at the end of the day, and is partly what lends to the surprise that was this story, is that i had read this after finishing a show for two by tashie bhyuian, which put me through the wringer in its depiction of a very poor familial relationship that the mc had with her parents. to read this book right after, café con lychee, and see the way that theo & gabi’s families were depicted and how they fought and forgave each other, i was so happy to see how not all teenagers have it so rough, but i also felt bad for mina in a show for two because she really deserved better than all her parents put her through.

in the case for this book though, yeah, there were two surprises: the way theo & gabi’s relationship developed over the course of the book as i genuinely started to like them together, in a first love kinda way + then seeing how impactful the hopeful depiction of their families were to me and my soft heart. both elements tied together really well for me that it ultimately lended itself the five star rating, and that’s something really cool.

(even cooler is how the next read after this one was the monstrous series by lily mayne, which is definitely something to be discussed in another post :’) )

- unwritten rules (unwritten rules, #1) by k.d. casey (july 14)

Sixty feet away on the mound, the pitcher throws. The ball releases from his hand, and Zach watches the arc and pattern of its movements as it nears its "commit point", when he has to decide whether to swing or stay put. It's a choice he's made thousands of times, with incomplete information, before a curveball bends or a changeup tumbles. One guided by his experience and instincts but also the confidence that his decision will be the right one. So Zach watches and considers and swings.

this was the first baseball romance i’ve ever read, and as someone who had been leaning more towards hockey romances, jumping into a different sport that’s much less about the action and more about having patience while out on the mound, it was so incredibly interesting. i never knew much about baseball before this—all i really knew was about this famous baseball figure, roberto clemente, a puerto rican professional player who had died in a plane crash. as a kid, i had went to two schools named after him, and that was as far as my knowledge went.

what eventually motivated me to read this slow character-driven story was a classic mood reader move where it was all pure impulse after seeing the second book, fire season, on libby. since that story hadn’t been released yet at the time, i felt motivated enough to read this first book in the meantime to see where it could go, and i’m really glad i did. while i really wasn’t prepared for how detailed and slow-moving the baseball content was, i didn’t mind it at all. i feel that even as someone who has no interest in this sport, for me to still be so invested in the story because of the character who was entrenched and was trying to figure out how to reckon with mistakes from his past while trying to move forward in the present—it was very powerful. the dual timelines of the story did such a good job of reflecting on that, and was one of my most favorite things about it.

while i connected much more to reid in fire season—which despite being the second book in the series, is set before the events of unwritten rules—i genuinely liked zach’s pov and i liked how the author explored his own coming out journey and how it looked like while playing professionally in the major baseball league. seeing the way he slowly bonded with eugenio and how they connected while in the midst of other players was so worth it in all the details the author included in the general atmosphere of the sport, whether it was in practices or the actual games. i feel that for any genuine baseball fan who loves a story that really dives into the second-by-second aspects of what it’s like playing the sport, you’ll find a lot of potential in this. because even for me, i really respected the author for how much knowledge she had and how clearly passionate she was about these characters and the game they were playing.

zach makes some mistakes and other characters edge around him because of it, and i can see some readers who might think he was a little boring, but as i mentioned in my goodreads review, i liked how disconnected from the story he felt because that was the point; zach had a lot of shit to grow from and be at his own pace.

what surprised me so much about this book was again, it was baseball, i’ve never read about it before, and the fact that i was actually engaged the whole time?? shocking, but also very cherished to me :’)

- all of our demise (all of us villains, #2) by amanda foody & christina lynn herman (august 30)

"We're the only ones still playing. So let's play."

**slight spoilers for this one**

i had read all of us villains late last year, one of the very few titles i was able to read in the midst of a reading slump, and so i'll always have a very soft spot for this ya fantasy duology. one thing i loved about that first book, and which made me love this sequel/finale even more is how dark it had gotten. it was such a cool story idea to have these stories of villains and actually portray them as such, not trying to muddle them down to seem more pleasing for a teen audience. it was phenomenal and absolutely heartstopping how far these characters would go to prove themselves to their families and to the world, and i liked how you could still connect to them with the issues that they had.

with this sequel here, i was just swept away at how good the characterization was, and how certain relationships were developed in a way i could only ever have dreamed of. to see certain characters come to life and others fall under death's spell, it was amazing the route these authors went because it really felt like they went all in. with gavin & alistair's relationship growth + briony & isobel's character arcs, all their endings were absolutely fit for the epic journey they went on from the moment they stepped foot into the Tournament.

there's so much action & betrayal but it was all about the final moments of one character who wouldn't walk out the Tournament alive because they were playing as the hero; the sad moments shared between two brothers who grew up in a family seen as most wicked of all of Ivernath; one character who looked at themselves in the mirror and felt fit for a corpse's grave with how rotten they felt inside in their desperate urge to win after others already decided for them they were fit for victory; another character who already had a gravestone waiting for them despite how larger than life they were and determined to not lie six feet under.

it was just an absolutely amazing finale, i enjoyed every minute of it and that was the surprise of it all, because these characters really made you work for it in trying to reach the final page.

- the president’s vampire (nathaniel cade, #2) by christopher farnsworth (october 31)

"There's more to this world than the things you can see," Lord said, "There are hidden chapters to history, and not all of them were written by men."

this one might be a bit brief because well, i have had such a chaotic reading journey throughout this entire series (exhibit a), i need a break just thinking about it. this was the book that made me discover the series in the first place, and it was the most mind-boggling of it all, which was everything. it's CIA conspiracy theories taken to the next level, and there were a lot of deaths in this one. it didn't feel like too much, surprisingly so, in fact it felt necessary for the story, and it was clear to the author that if he was going to be given free reign to write a series about a vampire who is sworn to protect the president of the united states, he was not going to be wasting the opportunity to raid every dark crevice of secrets the american government is likely to be holding in their arsenal.

i also really got attached to the characters, especially with cade & zach's strange partnership, which stood out more clearly in deep state, but in here, there were shadow organizations and lizard mutations to fight against and seeing them working together and get separated at various times made for very fucked up scenes of life & death.

it was because of this whole series that i really got into annotating as i was reading, writing a bunch of notes in my highlights that were not enlightening at all, they were just my dumbfounded reactions to some of the shit that happens in here. it was all very entertaining--dark as hell, but entertaining nonetheless......and also plain sad at some parts but well. the first book wasn't so much lighthearted but it was ridiculous a majority of the time, and it wasn't until i read this second book that things seemed to get even darker and feel much more serious--it was the surprise of a lifetime. i was all for it but i mean, you have quotes like this:

The real world was right in his face, and it was a small square of tile on the cold floor. It finally occurred to him that he was not the secret-agent hero of this movie. He wasn't the plucky sidekick. He wasn't even the damsel in distress, because no one was coming to save him.

and all you can do is sit there stumped as hell because well...damn.

- whisper by tal bauer (december 11)

And of everything, We created pairs. Heaven and Earth. Night and day. Sun and moon. Sea and Shore. Light and darkness.

David gazed at Kris. You, for me.

i think every book for every reader will always be completely subjective because there's just so many factors to it that can affect a reader's experience with said book. this was what happened with game changer as i briefly talked about way above, and it was the same thing that happened with this story here. there was certain knowledge i wasn't privy of for a good while and so whenever i thought of this story before actually having the courage to read it, i just felt this sinking dread because i had been under the assumption that a major character would be dead. and they would, but just as it's quoted in the actual goodreads summary for this book, the truth is much more complicated.

i've had such a memorable time reading all of tal bauer's books up to this point, and all of them had their happy endings--for some, it took quite a long and rocky journey to get there, but it was a happy ending all the same. with this story, i was genuinely sitting with the premature grief that this pairing, kris and david as i had known them, would not be so lucky. it took rifling through some non-spoilery goodreads reviews to figure out that it was really worth it to give their book a chance because wow, was it going to be heartbreaking but incredibly healing as well, and it was.

reading this 700-page long military fiction that is based on some real-life events/figures, with a lot of creative liberty used, it was such a long & heavy journey. there were scenes of extreme terror & torture that just made me feel empty for quite a bit, and to have to keep reading because there was still so much ahead for these characters, it was a time. it was a time to witness how the timelines of hush and whisper merged and completely rewired everything i thought i had known to make me that much more devastated.

i would never have imagined reading a story like this if it wasn't for the fact that it had been tal bauer who wrote this, and he wrote it so well. the romance was phenomenal, there's no questioning that, and the characters--kris & david's character arcs--they're put through so much and have so much trauma and guilt to work through. in moments where they try to take one step forward, they're immediately pulled back in the next minute, and it was terrifying as hell what they had to go through. reading to the end felt like a challenge of its own and once i reached the last page, i almost couldn't believe it but i was just so glad that i did.

.

.

and we're done!!

[theladybrownstarot]

Pick-A-Card: Just For A Moment Listen To Me ✧˖°˚˖˚˖⁺‧₊˚

𐙚˚ Here's my masterlist for more !

𐙚˚ Make sure you like/follow/reblogg and Comment for more pacs like these !

✧ Pile 1 .

Namaste pile 1 ! Let's begin with your reading:

˖° You know buddy you don't need someone's acceptance to enjoy , you don't need to stop yourself from enjoying when you want after a lot of work because you are a human to. It's okay if you feel quite uncomfortable socialising with others it's ok if you feel kind a negative but it's not okay if you reject yourself in the place already. Listen to me buddy that you need to get out of that place which keeps you emotionally confined , it's okay if you cannot make everyone happy , it's ok if you want to be alone and hidden for some time wrapped up in warm blanket sleeping in the nights. But buddy make sure you don't hold the comfort for so long because attachment leads to pain at the end 🤎.

✧ Pile 2 .

Namaste pile 2 ! Let's begin with your reading:

˖° You know buddy just loosen yourself like enough of being very strong when you actually need some time to get your guards down and let your internal self need some rest . There's nothing if things won't turn out as you expected because there's no perfection but opportunities hidden as a learning calling up for something and believe me there's something wonderful coming to you . You know someone said you are dreams not being enough if the don't scare you but that doesn't mean you will let your past define you always because in the end it's all the leap of faith . Buddy just accept , accept and accept to what's coming to you . Be open emotionally 🤎 .

✧ Pile 3 .

Namaste pile 3 ! Let's begin with your reading:

˖° Hey buddy ! why hesitating to love yourself when got the moment to ? You know go gentle with yourself first and then love others . Open up by loving yourself and go up with the pure intent . When you finally got what you want then why to reject it ? is the fear ? In the time of confusion you are your best guide so take some time and move inside and evaluate on what needs to be buddy because believe your journey has made you so much accomplished but in the last and forever of endings you will make the right and best decision be it bad or good 🤎.

──⭒─⭑─⭒────⭒─⭑─⭒──

©️ @theladybrownstarot 2023 all rights reserved. Any stealing or copying of work will be a punishable offence.

[decolonize-the-everything]

Had a tik tok in my Facebook memories that said something about how with anti-maskers it ultimately comes down to them perceiving doing things for others as weakness since they grew up in a hyper-individulistic society. It's them exerting autonomy and refusing to stop under peer pressure, largely just for the sake of fighting something since that's a strength. A value. "I don't let others tell me what to do because I can't be controlled"

Made me think that everyone else bought into the same type of individualistic rhetoric through pop psychology: having "good" boundaries means never needing others and always putting yourself before everyone else regardless of circumstance and especially if they make you feel any feeling you don't want to feel. ...Like guilty for not caring enough to keep wearing a mask in 2023. That's a strength. A value. "I don't let others tell me what to do because I love myself"

The conclusion here being: being needed/needing others is a threat to your autonomy which is a Value to protect.

And when you really think about it applies to more than masking; supporting BIPOC, watching the news, showing up to protests, etc.

"I'm already depressed, I can't handle it. I'm watching out for my own mental health by not participating"

"it's all woke which makes me feel like a bad person cuz Im a bigot so I only watch what validates my bias"

And personally I get a little suspicious when two sides defined by their opposite social values come to the same social conclusion.

You should too. This rhetoric is holding us back. Individualism is holding us back. People need people. It's not toxic or abusive or manipulative to admit that, no matter how much society has tried to make you believe otherwise.

Oppressed people needing allies and your friends who need help moving aren't violating your boundaries or "bad for your mental health" just because You don't want to show up AND not feel bad about it.

Can the generation that grew up screaming "I don't know how to teach you that you should care about other people" at boomers please stand up and take a heaping tablespoon of your own medicine.

And then show gen z how to swallow it because growing up in the social climate we millennials curated online hasn't exactly inspired feelings of confidence in others or the future.

Both of which we still care about right? We still care about other people and the future? Not just ourselves?

Just want to confirm that we haven't gone Full Boomer as a collective yet cuz at this rate I wouldn't be surprised if someone responded saying that being expected to care about their friends is akin communist dictatorship

And could this be a Red Scare Psyop meant to discourage you from finding community, collectivism, and mutual aid in a time where your hyper-individulistic behavior and beliefs are being exploited for record breaking profits in the name of capitalism?

[irondad-creator-awards]

Artist Spotlight - Monireh89

This week we're speaking to @monireh89, friend of the awards and artist.

Monireh was part of the Awards from the very beginning, creating art prizes for our winners and offering her art for promotion pieces. She's part of why the Awards were successful enough the first year to make us come around to The 2024 Cycle

In 2023 @monireh89 won The Best Sketch Award with this piece.

When did you start drawing, and what inspired you to become an artist?

I enjoyed drawing since Elementary school I think and when it was time to decide on a highschool, I fell in love with one particular art school in Prague so I took drawing lessons and suprisingly for me, I got in. It was an incredible experience for me and I learnt a lot there.

What do you enjoy most about creating your art?

Well, I enjoy the process itself. I love the feeling that I am creating some idea of mine and watch it come to life under my hands. And drawing Irondad is a guilty pleasure for me. I wanted to see more scenes between Tony and Peter in the movies and...damn we only got ONE hug So I was like nope, wanna see more. That's also the reason I want my drawings to be as realistic as possible. To have the feeling THIS really happened in the movies you know.

 Which artwork is your favourite and why?

Hmmmm....well, it is hard for me to decide between two drawings. First one Is an illustration for @losingmymindtonight fic about Peter sleepwalking where Peter is curled on Tony's lap and Tony is like...beaming at the Avengers.

The second one is an illustration for Not broken, Just Bent where Tony is hugging a really scared Peter. I love both of them because I think I managed to get the eyes/expressions right. Cause that is the core of every drawing....to look at it And feel the emotions of those characters just from their expressions.

What’s your subject to create art for?

For me, it has always been portrait. I love drawing emotions on people’s faces.

What inspired the winning piece?

The winning piece was Tony and Peter watching TV on a couch and cuddling over a bowl of popcorn. It was inspired by one of my favourite story by @eccentric-artist-22B Petey and the Hermit. This story is exceptional and always had a place in my heart cause the author is my friend. She send me a copy of the story before she published it and it was such a honor for me to read it first.

 Can you tell us a little about the experience of creating it — did anything stand out or was there a particular person that helped more than others?

So you ask if anything stand out while creating this piece, it was the author. An amazing girl whose stories are an endless pit of inspiration for me.

How did you feel to be a winner of the Awards last year?

How did it feel? Simply amazing! I joined Tumblr years ago with no expectations. I didn’t expect my art to be noticed much and this…this just made me feel like I was really accepted into this beautiful fandom full of incredibly talented people and it really made my day/year.

Thank you so much @monireh89 for answering our questions and your continued support of The Awards.

[sorencd]

HANDLE WITH CARE

pairing: todd anderson x reader

word count: 0.6k

a/n: the title is from this song! i love it sm hdhhd sorry it took me a bit to answer this anon!

masterlist

picnic dates were more preferable when you don’t have another person flirting with you when you clearly have stated numerous times that you have a boyfriend, you concluded. lucas, the bloke who undoubtedly fancied you, was blatantly flirting with you. and no matter how many times you’ve tried telling him to stop, ignoring him, and even moving spots to get away from him, he’d quickly be hot on your trail and insist on joining the two of you, invading both you and todd’s privacy.

“come on. just give me a chance and i bet i could treat you better than he could.” he gave todd a repulsed glance as arrogance dripped with each word that came out of his mouth, it irked you to no end. who was he to look at todd like that? where’d he get his confidence? “one date with me is all it takes. whaddya say?” that was your breaking point.

“can even the word ‘no’ not get through your extraordinarily thick skull? are you that hurt that you won’t take no for an answer? what, you’re too scared to tell the lads you got rejected?” you spat at him with a heated expression, “just piss off- actually, no. todd, let’s find somewhere else to eat.” you started returning the jars and containers back into the basket and tugged on todd’s hand, you two started walking to yet another space in the park, not sparing lucas a glance and anymore of your time. thankfully, he left you two alone this time. 

now, you were spreading jelly and peanut butter on toast while todd was munching on the cookies you brought with a dejected and spaced out face. “is there something wrong?” you asked, concerned. todd shook his head, trying to dismiss your question. 

“don’t listen to what he said, he’s just desperate.” you tried comforting him. thanks to the idiot from earlier, the once happy mood was now soiled, to your and todd’s dismay.

“but what if he’s right?” as soon as the words left his mouth, you stopped your peanut butter spreading and turned your head to look at todd, who already held a gaze on you. he was heartbroken because of what lucas said. his eyes carrying a doleful weight to it and his body movements no longer showed the lively side that only you and the poets get to see. you desperately wanted to wipe off that sunken expression.

“what if, just maybe, he’s actually better than me? what if he can make you happier than i ever could?”

you abruptly took a hold of both his shoulders, hardening the stare you had on him. todd was expecting you to get angry at him for thinking that way, he feared that his tendency to overthink and dissect everything that he probably shouldn’t even give that much thought into would drive you away from him. but instead, you hugged him. the most tender, warm, and genuine hug he could ever receive.

“don’t say that.” 

“but i want what’s best for you.”

“i don’t want what’s best for me, i want you. i don’t care if he’s somehow better, which i doubt.” you shrugged and rolled your eyes. in what world would lucas be better than todd? none. exactly. 

he tightened the hug and rested his chin on your shoulder, the both of you quickly forgetting about the food. what you said had him in tears, he had always wanted to hear those words he didn’t know he needed so much. in his hands, he found the perfect muse not only for the endless poems he’s bound to write, but the muse to his own love story.

“i love you, (y/n).” he broke away from the hug to give you a sweet kiss on the lips, you beat him to it first though.

“i love you more, todd. and besides! even if he was, which i again, doubt, i’d still choose you. because he’s not you. in every lifetime, every universe, i’d always choose you..” 

© sorencd . 2023 ─ do not copy, repost, translate or claim any of my works as your own.

[hirsheyskisses]

Hello!! Your spooky event looks so fun! Do you think I could get 1. "You're shivering. Are you really that scared?" + 6 with Eustass Kid? Thank you so much I look forward to seeing what spooky ideas you come up with!!

Don't be a Coward!

Spooktober (2023) Event 👻🎃

EUSTASS KID x READER

Summary: being foolish, fresh put of your teens, Kidd decided to take things a step up for halloween, going to explore a 'haunted' mall.. (also yes, the pun in this story was intended)

Kidd has ALWAYS loved Halloween. Ever since the two of you had been kids, he'd dress up as either the spookiest or coolest shit (often times both) and always insisted on helping you with your costume.

A lot of Halloween often ended with kidd and killer looking absolutely terrifying, where your costumes were often- badass. Dresses that lit on fire, exploding suits, or real life villain energy

But, where they loved horror.. and creepiness.. You'd rather not! You'd really rather not fuck with ouija boards, or go into haunted malls, or fuck with ghosts..

But kidd.. well, you're dating the man..

"I really don't think this is a good idea." You stated for the umpteenth time, being rewarded with another long sigh from your lover. "You're being a wuss. It's just rumors-"

Kidd grumbled, grabbing your hand and lifting you up to the window he'd just shattered, holding you by your sides. Hesitating for a moment before sliding through, attempting not to step on glass, you turned, "thats not the point! Well.. it's part of the point, but we're breaking an entering! Yaknow, doing the thing that's against the law!"

Watching him land beside you, he snorted. "Since when were you so concerned about the law? You broke a guy's jaw for catcalling."

Kidd began to walk, his eyes eager and- to some extent, childish. "He was following me and had it coming, would you rather I have let him take me?" You shot back, to which Kidd tensed a bit. "Never said it was a bad thing. I'm just sayin', it was still against the law." He muttered, a hand snaking behind your back to pull you at his side. Surprisingly, the mall wasn't too scary: trashed, sure, but with a man who cleared 6' it wasn't- entirely terrifying.

"Well.. that scenario shouldn't be against the law." You responded, and you also knew he agreed: Kid loved any excuse to beat down am asshole. Even if he was bit of one himself, he still held some semblance of respect.

The mall was dark, and as you went further in, the light became less and less, until you were squinting to see and cautiously stepping down to ensure you didn't step on anything. Your redheaded boyfriend, on the other hand, didn't hesitate. Instead, he walked with pure confidence, head swiveling from side to side. "I expected more from a haunted mall. This shots boring." He grumbled, glancing back at you. "Yeah.. I guess." You mumbled, focused less so on him and instead chose to peer into the open stores, finding knocked over shelves and ransacked compartments, slowly moving towards an old book store. Grabbing your phone and flicking on the flashlight, you began to move between the shelves, occasionally grabbing at a abandoned, dusty book. Surprisingly, there was a lot of them remaining: and in fairly good condition, too. A few classics, and a few of your old favorites you'd occasionally come across. You'd been there for a few minutes..

"Hey! Kidd! Look at this o-"

You finally lifted your head as you found an old book on mechanic work he'd wanted, only to realize one thing: Kidd was nowhere to be found. You could've sworn he'd been right behind you the entire time- you'd heard his lumbering footsteps!

He's probably just in another store.. you decided, making to exit the library with the book still in your arms. Now that you were alone, you were overly conscious just how big the mall was. Every step you took left you uneasy, swearing you heard footsteps behind you- swore you heard voices, but no- eyes in the darkness, impossible, yet everytime you tried to counter the strange chills you got you just felt worse.

You'd wandered for a few minutes, peering into stores, and growing increasingly worried. What if he'd had a heart attack?! Or what if he'd gotten kidnapped? So much could've gone wrong- yet-

- yet the moment you were shoved against the wall, you had no time to worry about him.

A blood curdling screech ripped its way out of your lungs and you raised the book, fully prepared to slam it into your attackers body and book it- only for your wrists to be pinned to the wall. Your knee prepared to buck upwards, but a deep, growly voice sounded in your ear.

"You're shaking, mouse. Are you really that scared?"

His hot breath fanned against your neck as you almost melted, "k-kidd?! Where'd you go-" your voice was breathless, and Kidd chuckled, pressing his face into your neck. "Was never far.. don't gotta worry so much, mouse. I won't let shit hurt you."

[absolutebl]

This Week in BL

Feb 2023 Wk 1

Being a highly subjective assessment of one tiny corner of the interwebs. Organized by which ones (in each category) I’m enjoying most. 

Ongoing Series - Thai

My School President (Fri YT) ep 9 of 12 - WinSound totally won me over in this ep. They were great. Their competitive style of romance, made me really happy. Double tsundere it’s so rare to get and not be annoying or depressing. Of course the mains were adorable too. 

Never Let Me Go (Tues YT) ep 8 of 12 - Solid little episode. Perth in the pool, thank U BL gods. Peeling the shrimp to rope, always a favorite of mine. Some awesome couple flirting and a nice romantic sex scene. What’s not to like about this episode?

Hit Bite Love (Sat YouTube) ep 2 of 6 - King is fucking adorable. Burger is clueless and (apparently) entirely straight. Shogun is one of the gayest characters ever put in high school BL. Heda is kinda awesome, basically a chaos wingman. Matteo is interesting. I genuinely like the central friendship between King & Shogun a lot. Queer baby besties! It’s Ming & Wayo-esk but better. Holy KINK FEST outta nowhere, BLman! I’m getting total whiplash with this show. Very Make It Right. What does it want to be? Who tf knows but I’m into it, that’s for sure. It’s accomplishing something, which most pulps don’t.

609 Bedtime Story (Fri WeTV) ep 11fin - my backup computer is down so I haven’t had a chance to watch this yet. Hopefully but next week’s report.   

Ongoing Series - Not Thai

HIStory 5: Love in the Future (Taiwan Weds Viki) ep 6 of 10 (or 11&12 of 20) - Jonny’s hair is driving me nuts. Hai Yi’s behavior is confusing me too. Office boys remain totally adorable. Very doomy mid run ep 6. Ah Taiwan, how unpredictable you are. 

Candy Color Paradox AKA Ameiro Paradox (Japan Fri Gaga) ep 7 of 8 - these weirdos make for very strange boyfriends. Frankly? K seems like a useless bit of business, if you ask me. 

Individual Circumstances (Korea Thurs Viki) ep 5-6 of 8 - I’m just annoyed with Mr. Tsundere at this point, he’s gone from grumpy to mean. I just want him to have a really good reason for having disappeared without saying anything, and good does not mean “sensitive pathetic authorial feels.” You don’t abandon your best friend just because you fell in love with them, that’s an unforgivably shitty thing to do. 

The End Of The World, With You AKA Bokura no Micro na Shuumatsu (Japan Sun Gaga ep 1 of 8 - Stars Toshiki Seto (Senpai, This Can't Be Love). The world is about to be destroyed by a meteor, so Masumi visits his old uni library to read as much as he wants until the end. There he meets Ritsu, his player ex. It’s a bit awkward, and I’m not sure about the premise (it scares me that it might be sad). It’s racier, gayer, and has better kissing than i was expecting (again a sign it might go dark). Also Is Ritsu a big time bi-slut player or is that Masumi’s perspective? Regardless I’m intrigued if wary. 

Finished this week

The New Employee (Korea Weds Viki) ep 7fin - They are so cute it’s unbelievable. I thought it was a good office romance ending, if not a great Bl ending. All in all this is a darn near perfect nugget of an office romance BL, sweet and much gayer than we have any right to expect from Korea. Rainbow rice cakes forever! 9/10

Between Us (Sun iQIYI) ep 12fin - It’s a serviceable series about hot swimmers flirting and dealing with family drama in a sweetly earnest manner, but ultimately it squanders the talent in play. I would’ve preferred a cleaner narrative arc, less angst and more plot, fewer couples, and a shorter series. That said, there’s nothing objectively wrong, sub-standard, or off-putting about this show. And it has lots of consent and other good qualities. It’s fine. Watch along here. 8/10

I Will Knock You (Fri Gaga) ep 12fin - I did think a lot over why I disliked this one. Because on the surface it’s just your standard slightly terrible Thai pulp, and I’m usually not that mean about them. I think in the end it comes down to the uke who just seemed to never warm to the boy pursuing him, and never really actually wanted to be his boyfriend. Also terrible dead fish kiss. 5/10 

Gossip

Apparently we have new scions (waves goodbye to BrightWin) - GeminiFourth: The Crown Princes of BL. If you’re wondering how their chemistry is so good (My School President), this article may explain it. 

In Case You Missed It

Caught up on 2020′s The Reason Why He Fell In Love With Me. (Gaga picked it up and I’ve been wanting to see it since it got announced in 2019.) 

TRWHFILWM Series 1 - 2 teachers who work together at the same high school, one outgoing and the other reserved, start an affair. Gave me Ossan’s Love vibes and that is my least favorite kind of JBL. It’s just far too cartoonish and slapstick and I don’t like it. That said, it has several kisses, a happy ending, and they are cute together. So if you can this style BL, it you might like it. 

TRWHFILWM Special - Completely ignores the first couple and the teacher premise, carrying over just one main character, and should have been a new BL (Boys Love flashbacks). I understand 2021′s season 2 continues this tactic. But I’ll watch it eventually. 

Next Week Looks Like This:

Not a lot actually, which is cool, I still got some 2022 catching up still to do. Why You Y Me, may be? 

Starting: 

Moonlight Chicken (Weds? YouTube) 1 of 8 -   

My Beautiful Man S2 - ??? sorry I’m scared of this one and not really paying attention, it being Japan and a desirable property, I’m assuming it will either be impossible to find or just show up on my dash in 2 places at once. 

Feb releases list is here. 

2023 forthcoming BL master post. (see comments some are inaccurate, NOT UPDATED)

THIS WEEK’S BEST MOMENTS

Hit Bite Love it’s classic terrible Thai pulp and I’m kinda loving it. 

Thank you very much GMMTV. 

FINALLY! 

Also FINALLY. 

More FINALLY (My School President). 

I love the acknowledged combative nature of this relationship. It’s great. 

(last week)

Current Kpop earworm? Under the Skin by &team, eh, it’s catchy I guess

[doingproblematicmedia]

I touched real grass today* and am still annoyed about this, so here we go:

We cannot pretend Hogwarts Legacy doesn’t exist.

I have seen so many posts saying that “if you talk about this, you cannot be a real ally. Playing and talking about this game will do real harm to real people. Do not support Hogwarts Legacy.”

And why does this make me angry? Because it’s reductive and doesn’t acknowledge the real world we live in.

Let’s start with the basics: paying for the game financially supports WB and JKR. A boycott aims to harm someone financially, and I believe that not paying for this game is a good goal, with some real measurable results. 

But I’ve seen as many posts condemning someone who would pirate the game. Pirating, which WB Media will count as a loss, doesn’t put money in JKR’s pocket, and therefore accomplishes the goal of a boycott: to hurt someone financially.

What is the goal of convincing people not to pirate the game? To make sure that people don’t play it? To make sure that people don’t talk about it?

I cannot condone this. Because Hogwarts Legacy will not go away, and it is important to talk about it.

Hogwarts Legacy is going to be one of the biggest games of the year, if not the biggest. Presales are through the roof. Millions of people are going to be playing this thing. It is not a commercial failure. It is not going to go away.

By silencing talk about Hogwarts legacy, we are silencing ourselves.

It is important to have a voice in this conversation. By trying to silence all talk about this game, we are shutting down critical discourse. Can a person effectively criticize a piece of media without engaging with it? Because a person plays this game, does that mean they are disqualified from bringing meaningful critical dialogue to the table?

If meaningful critique about this game is not offered, how can we expect to reach people? How can someone expand their thinking if the tools to expand it are not there?

There is so much talk about how engaging with Hogwarts Legacy will bring harm to real people. It is important to think about how our actions can do harm.

But critical engagement is not harmful.

And right now, the gaming press is not providing it.

As I write this (Feb 7 2023), the major outlets (at least the ones willing to touch it) have dropped their reviews. They almost all add some sort of sidebar disclaimer: We do not support JKR’s views on trans people. We support human rights and support people speaking with their wallets. Etc. 

Cool, ok. Are they talking about the plot of the game? The thing that Jews are worried is going to be “Blood Libel Simulator 2023″? No they are not. How are we Jews going to push back on antisemitic content in this game if we don’t even know what’s in it? We need to be able to address what this game is going to be implying about us. Antisemitism is on the rise globally. I am scared for my Jewish family. I had to listen to a Gentile relative tell me over Christmas that Kanye was a ‘genius’. 

Again, millions of people are going to be playing this. Not talking about any antisemitic tropes in it is only going to help them go unchallenged.

Critical works on Harry Potter are valuable. 

Over the past few years, there has been an exceptional body of work put out that returns to Harry Potter. Takes a look at the books with a new eye, an eye that is more attuned to the casual cruelty JKR wields. Examines elements that we brushed over as children. Contextualizes Harry Potter in its British Neoliberal context, and points out the moral failings of JKR’s allegories. Realizes how Harry Potter does not call for true revolution, but merely a comfortable status quo.

Critical works like these have helped so many reevaluate Harry Potter with a more mature view. By looking at JKR’s output, we are better able to understand her current bigotry and call her on her views. Trans analyses of the books have highlighted transphobic material that went unremarked upon in the 2000s.

Why stop here?

Is it because talking about the game supports JKR? Or is it because people are condemning anyone who even thinks about talking about the game?

I know I’ve seen a million posts on my dash along these lines. “I don’t trust you if you play this game. I will block you if you talk about this game. You are not an ally if you talk about this game.”

And this, this makes me angry.

Because I know you’re trying to reach people who will pay for the game without thinking about who that money goes to. People who will not acknowledge the real terror JKR is inflicting on trans people. People who will say “let me enjoy the thing.”

But you’re not just reaching them. You’re also saying, in effect, “any talk about this game will get you shunned, blacklisted, harassed. Engaging with this game means that you are not a good person. Good people don’t talk about Harry Potter anymore.”

Aren’t we always banging on against online purity culture? Saying that media consumption is not activism, and that you don’t get to be a good person just by consuming the “right” media? Because right now, you’re saying the opposite. That media consumption is activism. That you are a good person because you don’t consume the bad media. That any talk about this does real harm to people.

And to be clear, I’m not talking about personal blocklists. Curating your online space and blocking stuff that you don’t want to see is not the problem here. The problem is the rather explicit statement that anyone who talks about Hogwarts Legacy is immoral. 

And as a media critic, and a Jewish queer, I cannot accept this.

We must talk about the things that hurt us. We must continue pushing back against the bigotry of the Wizarding World. We must have a voice at the table, because no one is going to do it for us. Not the gaming press, not the suits at WB, and certainly not the world that produced millions of preorders for this game.

Once again, we cannot pretend Hogwarts Legacy doesn’t exist. The real question is: how will we talk about it? 

Because if we’re not talking about it, someone else will be. 

*A feat in a New England winter. Said grass was in a greenhouse.

[tonberry-yoda]

Hi , tonnberry may i ' ve request for final fantasy 😄 for Claude and Noctis with they married female s/o until they had children. I wonder how the two of them became a father to their children like what kind of activities?whether they can spare their time?, and how will they cope when their teenage son acts like a Brat ?

That's all from me , anyway i'm really like your blog don't forget to tag me in your update please!!!🥹🌹😩

Thank you so much for this , love your dear 😘

Cloud and Noctis as Fathers (f!reader)

notes - AHHH HI! Sorry this took so long, I've just been swamped with a ton of stuff, but I cleared out a bunch of requests and am more than happy to do this one for you! It's funny that I don't get a lot of requests even though my name is literally Tonberry lolol. Thanks for much for the request my dear! I hope you enjoy and have an amazing day <3 tag list - @cerezzzita (I remember you being interested in this one love <3), @kawaistrawberry21

CLOUD

he wasn't expecting to be a father when he was young

like being a father was the last thing on his mind

but after everything chaotic in his life, he finally decided to settle down and found the perfect partner, you!

only then was he fully prepared to become a father

you talked about it a lot and told Cloud that he would be a wonderful father

he thought you would be a wonderful mother, so after a while, you found that you were going to have a child! (or if you prefer to adopt, that would be super cute for the two of you)

at first, raising a child was very difficult

it didn't matter that Cloud had nearly fought god in his lifetime, raising a child had to be one of the most challenging things he ever faced

this also made him a little self concious

he was helping, but saw you doing a lot of the work

^ he would always step in though to help, no hesitation

his favorite thing was teaching his child how to grow into a lovely human

lots of playing and just being a kid, which neither you nor Cloud really had, so it meant a lot to be having that with a child of your own

lots of family adventures and traveling

for the first time in a long time, a smile hasn't left Cloud's face <3

NOCTIS

he would be TERRIFIED

he would be prepped, but terrified

you two talked about having a child, but even after talks, it was still scary

and you were a more natural mother, ready to help the child at any cost and already knew what to do

he just felt like some idiot in the back watching you

lets just say he spoiled you a little more than the baby because he felt bad for everything you had to do

he would still be a fun dad though

and the baby would have all their uncle chocobros to hang around

ignis teaches Noctis how to make food for the baby and through trial and error, he actually makes some pretty damn good food for the lil thing!

but having friends around makes raising the baby more fun, especially because you can trust them when you're too tired some days

Noctis though would love napping with the baby

^ you would walk into the kitchen to tell him that dinner's ready and find him napping with the baby on his chest and you definitely tear up and take TONS of pictures

he would be ecstatic, but he was more of a scared dad at first lol

he knew a baby would come eventually with him being king and all later, but he didn't know it would be such a hard thing

he's just thankful to you and his friends for being patient and helping out <3

~~~~~

final fantasy masterlist | pinned post | ko-fi

2023 @tonberry-yoda – do not repost or claim ANY of my work as your own! likes, reblogs, and comments are not only welcome, but appreciated

~~~~~

[aroaceconfessions]

I've always really struggled making and maintaining strong connections with people. Growing up, all throughout elementary and middle school, I would find someone who I could very easily call my very best friend (often of the opposite sex), where we would very quickly become inseparable in and outside of school. Then we would drift apart, usually fairly abruptly, and I would be incredibly confused. It wasn't until I was much older that I was told that this was because Xyz was getting tired of waiting for me to reciprocate their crush, or that they started to crush on someone else, or whatever.

If this happened once or twice I could understand it, but this sort of "I'll be your very best friend with the expectation you'll fall in love with me and then immediately drop you otherwise" sort of scenario must have happened at least five times, which was heartbreaking for me personally, who had zero interest in romance and never experienced crushes growing up.

During high school, I met someone who i instantly clicked with in a way that no one else ever had. Once again, we were instantly a duo who did everything together. This friendship lasted through all four years of high school, and all four years of undergrad.

That was until they confessed they'd been in love with me for years. This person knew more about me than anyone in the world, and knew my fears that I had with people falling in love with me, and I was so scared of losing this person too that I told them that I would try for a romantic relationship with them. We dated for two years, and I very, very slowly came around to the idea of romance, if only just with this person.

This all came to a head when they dumped me in perhaps the worst way they possibly could. They told me that they fell out of love with me, and that was that. They broke off all contact with me, and I was alone again.

Honestly, since that happened, I've had even more trouble with letting people in close out of fear that it's just going to happen again and again and again. I never really considered my lack of attraction as the stereotypical "something's broken with me" but losing this person in this way just felt like the final straw, that everyone only decided to be my friend or tolerate me because they built up this image of me being a cute romantic partner in their heads, and once they realized that's not me, they can't even bear to be around me. I really don't know what I've done to keep running into these people. I just want to have friends, but now I don't even know how to interact with people anymore in fear I'm just leading them on somehow. I don't think I could take another heart break.

Submitted June 14, 2023

[send-up-my-heart-to-you]

what is the story of you and violet like how did you start and how did it reach to where it did, of course only if you’re comfortable. ( i’m not trying to mock you or make fun of it, ik what you went through but since you said anything personal, i have wanted to know this. i’m interested in things which are none of my business. i pray im not sounding rude, i really want to come of as nicely as i can, but i can’t)

whole story below the cut, there’s a tldr at the end bc i added a load of unnecessary details. js brace its kind of a long one.

so we met when i was 12 and he was 15. i remember it was june 2020. i didn’t like him at first—got sort of a weird vibe. but then i got to know him more and, by september-ish, he became one of my best friends. by november, i thought of myself as having a crush on him (i didnt know i was aroace at the time) but i never made a move bc he was dating one of my friends, lets call her jude. we talked pretty much every day. i had to leave our friend group for safety reasons but he was my source of contact with the rest of my friends. i think we mainly talked on discord at the time?

flash forward to new years eve of 2020, and something happens. i’ll spare you the details, but needless to say my devices got confiscated. i still remembered his discord id, so i got my best friend to msg him and tell him what happened. i also got my favorite cousin to do the same, so he’d have two ways of talking to me.

keep in mind, my best friend and cousin both had it in their minds that i had a crush on him, so they’d both try to get him to like me. in june i think he broke up w jude. my cousin was also in regular contact with jude on instagram, so i got to msg jude at some point after the breakup and i distinctly remember her saying she’d be okay if i dated him but she personally was so unhappy w him. i didnt get that, but i think i later did

years pass w barely any contact. december 2022, i start dating someone else. january 2023, i realize i chose the absolute worst person and i break things off. then april 2023, i manage to get in contact w violet. we start dating the next day. (here he’s told me that he’s genderqueer he/she, but later he denied this)

i talked to him anytime i could and he'd send selfies a lot. i was scared about my parents so i asked him not to. he'd do it anyway. i didnt ask him to stop after that

he wasn’t necessarily a bad boyfriend, i js didnt rlly feel. idk. special? i’d make playlists for him and send voice recordings whispering “i love you” in arabic but i never got any of that back ig. the first few weeks were the best but after that? nothing. i’d send pics and he’d call me pretty and hot and say he’s so lucky to have me. later i found out he called every girl pretty when he’d see a pic of her.

i self-harmed for the first time when i was with him. what he did was ask me to send a pic of it so he could check if its bad. i told him i was suicidal. i dont remember what he said.

and then came june 15th, 2023. what a day. i talked to him at like midnight my time. i remember the last thing he asked was for me to send a selfie so he could show me off to his friend.

then my mom found out. and i was so scared of her getting angry at me that i downed 16 pills and got rushed to the hospital.

my mom didnt get angry. but my devices were confiscated again. and i couldnt talk to him. keep in mind, he knew i was suicidal. i was expecting some kind of response from him through my best friend because he was still talking to her at the time, but i didnt hear anything. instead, nine days after i tried to kill myself, on the 24th of july, he broke up with me. 

i didn’t blame him. when your suicidal gf ghosts you for nine days ofc you’re gonna wanna move on. it’s not his fault. i js felt kind of lonely, yknow? on the 30th i managed to log into my acc to talk to him, to explain everything, n all i saw was a breakup msg. i dunno.

in october-ish of 2023, i managed to get thru to him. i explained everything. he didnt give much of a response, but he did ask if we could keep talking. i said sure. we did keep talking and i invited him to tumblr bc i had more of a presence here than anywhere else. when my mom confiscated tumblr in november, i continued talking to him on google chat

in february 2024 he was my valentine js bc we were both single and alone and we thought itd be fun. i wrote him a letter. he didnt make me anything but its fine. you get the idea we were getting closer again

by this point i realized i wasnt receiving the amount of love i deserve, and i was kind of sad bc he’s not a muslim and i am, so we couldn’t get married, therefore we wouldnt have a future together (i’m the kind of person who wouldn’t have a relationship w someone if it won’t lead to anything in the long-term). he told me he wouldn’t become a muslim or study islam for me, so i respected that. i wouldnt forcibly convert him. but i also acknowledged that i couldn’t be w someone who’s not a muslim, so i asked him to stop talking to me. he said okay.

he’d still reblog stuff and send me asks—he even asked me to write a poem about him for my follower event. but around that time i had kind of been getting drained from exams and i didnt want boy problems on top of that, so i asked him to stop all contact w me. he respected that, as far as i know. he wished for me to have a nice life. i wished the same for him. and i blocked him. i havent talked to him since then at all, i dont think

so yeah. kind of lengthy story thats a whole load of nothing. i dont want you to go bother him about this. he was my friend before being my boyfriend, and he was with me during a dark time in my life. i respect him and i ask for you to please not send hate towards him. think what you will, just dont bother him. i’d be happy to answer anything else, but i think i js about covered everything.

tldr; we met when i was 12 and he was 15. we dated starting when i had just turned 15 and he was almost 18. he broke up with me after i attempted sewerslide. we continued talking for a while after reconnecting but i cut him off again last feb for religious reasons and we havent talked much since.

[goldenpinof]

Hi! Can I add my 5 cents to the discussion about the views? I'm one of those people who lost interest soon after gamingmas.

You're right, I don't have as much free time as I used to, so I'm quite picky with entertainment. I was very enthusiastic and nostalgic about spooky week and gamingmas. And good god am I thankful for those.

But what it comes down to is I just don't like their current format now, I hoped there would be changes.

I expected more irl stuff, longer gaming videos with actually good games, a podcast with banter, engagement with comunity. Instead it's the same old stuff. I'm sorry, but I don't care about the sims or the golf or the fucking wiki how articles.

I'm not saying post-gamingmas videos are bad, DnP are actually good entertainers. I just don't want to click on the videos in the first place, especially when there's so many of them in such a short time. I'm simply overwhelmed.

huh. interesting. so it is boring for you, but not because of the changes were made but because there were not enough changes.

you picked gwf and wikihow articles - actual good things left on the channel, hahahaha. i do understand what you mean about "more irl stuff" and "engagement with community" (not only chosen community aka twitter). i think they are kinda scared the podcast won't work, because their views are wibbly-wobbly. and the pod isn't gonna make them money right away unless it's on already monetised channel. they would have to invest in it without a clear certainty it will pay off. or they would need to find regular sponsors or a deal. which is, again, a bit harder with unsteady views. and a pod is also another big commitment. i think there are quite a few reason why they (mostly Dan) are not so sure about a podcast, and i didn't even list all of them. Dan should make a couple of decisions regarding his solo career for the joint podcast to work as a real long-term thing. maybe reviving liveshows would be easier, but for some reason he doesn't even want to do That.

if so much content is already overwhelming (which i agree with), add podcast to it. they would have to partially ditch the gaming channel that is quite profitable (for now, at least). but maybe, just maybe, there are changes on the horizon. if the views don't pick up after this forced break, they will have to react to it somehow. it's all fun and games until dnpg drops to ap numbers. the core audience is here and will be here for the pod, but is it enough? not only for money, but is it enough to give them new solo or joint opportunities? (and don't get me wrong, we still can be very powerful when we collectively want something. but would that be enough to convince companies that aren't familiar with how we can potentially work? we didn't convince anyone when it came to wad, not in 2022/2023. i sure hope we convinced them now, when more people came back. but it definitely wasn't the easiest thing to do. and with each new project, it will be similar, imo).

anyway, cheers to onlyfans. dnp are saying so many things, like they are testing the waters. let's see where it is going.

[findmeinthefallair]

Me, dishing out short metas about the Lions in the year of our lord 2023? More likely than you think.

I revisited some scenes and fondly see some common threads as to why Red selected Alfor, Keith and Lance. The official handbook (that lines up with the era of the show before the Head of Story, Tim Hedrick, was too boxed in and disallowed from following the story bible he put together) says determination and instinct on top of skill are key traits to pilot this most temperamental, most unpredictable and most unstable out of all five Lions. She's the speed demon of the team.

Alfor followed his instincts about researching quintessence to defy Zarkon twice. We know that Keith is fine with defying anyone, even Shiro at the end of the day if he has to. In my opinion, Lance's learning point was not caring what others thought of him and stop trying to do the "cool" thing. Defying that insecurity about self and thus being able to defy others in situations: wherein he would previously not be able to make that difficult decision. In early S3 he manages to be unflustered and stable to redirect Keith towards calm leadership.

So it's about making tough calls and sticking with the consequences, something shared with being in the position of Black Paladin. In fact, Red and her pilot has had to step in to lead and redirect the leader (Black) a few times. A failsafe if you will, to step in and take the reigns if needed.

She is second-in-command but she's also the wild card Lion. While by default she is unpredictable, she is the untameable one - more so than Black, I'd say - which is in a way what's most consistent in her, and is the most predictable thing about her. She'd expect any of her pilots to also have principles strong enough to defy upper command if such an act may actually be needed for the benefit of the team.

Which is interesting because..these qualities makes her not so different from her supposed polar opposite, Yellow, who is responsible for making the team morale as unshakeable as possible - "[the Yellow Paladin's] heart must be mighty" - plus civilian search-and-rescue. A consistency in principles and morals even if it is a high price to stick to them.

(While for Blue and Green, they're opposites in the sense that Blue requires spontaneity, while Green requires meticulous observation. Where they are similar is they are crucial in gathering intel. Blue's sonar ability, Green's cloaking ability)

You may need Red for offense but also defense for the team i.e. she pushes another Lion to safety twice in the show: Keith supporting Shiro in the S1 finale, Lance sparing Allura damage in S6 (which was good, since she has her Altean healing ability for herself and also others).

I really really would've wanted to see Alfor using the Rail Gun though. I wanted to see what would piss him off enough or make him scared enough to activate it. In all his screentime he never truly lost his composure (Allura is mostly like that too, she clearly gets it from him) but that one weapon requires a huge burst of unforced passionate emotion to activate: much like how a war cry works. Fitting for the Fire element she is matched to and the guardian spirit of.

Alfor is an alchemist and more cerebral which is so different from his two successors are like. His fire burned differently but he was definitely passionate.

[ri47]

[Q1-2024] A RI47 Heavy Industries Not-Quite Quarterly Report: The Power of Paranoid Thinking

So let's do a quick summary to avoid scaring anyone: Ri47's fine, Rin's (hello!) health isn't really any worse than it usually is, no major projects have been cancelled besides a standalone short story, we have a new mascot, and we're staring down the barrel of several simultaneous releases. 2024, god willing, if all goes to plan, is set to be a busy year... but a normal year.

That's it! You can scurry along now if that covered most of what you were curious about. It's rambles past here.

I promised I'd put something together like this, and since I've set aside the time today, when better to make some announcements and clarify some things going on under the bonnet. It's nothing especially massive, but radio silence felt less ideal as an indicator of the fact I'm hard at work

Without further ado, let's get into the thick of it

A New Face

You might have caught that there's a new face around here. The girl in the black hat is named Łucja (/ˈwu.t͡sja/) and she'll be taking over as the actual mascot for Ri47 Heavy Industries going forward!

There were a lot of motivations around making Łucja, but it can mostly be boiled down to wanting a design to represent the creative side of Ri47 which also doesn't appear as a character in any of the works proper. As much as Pagan is a dear character to me, she's just not an excellent mascot (or author mouthpiece, given that she's an awful person lmao)

She's entirely monochrome, she's got a distinct funny hat, and her outfit is partially stolen from a band I enjoy. Perfect.

Additionally, Łucja is entirely incapable of death, although it still doesn't feel great. It's probably best not to bother her with that sort of thing.

What's up with VesalBlood?

The next chapter of ALTERNE: Diesem Fernen Traum is nearing its release (about 80% done), so if you've been following that series, I hope that's welcome news!

VesalBlood's releases slowed down a bit in the final months of 2023 and the early months of 2024. I wish I could say it was because I was working on something more impressive, but the actual reason is that money is money and I needed to work on projects which produced that sort of thing

There is no actual hiatus on VesalBlood besides my usual glacial pace, but I'd be lying if I said that my work hasn't been eating into my ability to write at the pace I'd like. It's neither here nor there, but it simply is

In a perfect world, I'd probably devote all my time to finishing one long-term project at a time, but that's just not a viable way to be a working artist of my type under any economic system at the moment. The Kishar System setting survived the latter years of my schooling, so rest assured it's not going anywhere unless I go somewhere as well

There may be a few surprising announcements relating to VesalBlood coming at some point in the next few months, but there also might not. To keep a little transparency here, it largely depends on whether I get some calls back

What's up with Armored Blade Jetkaiser?

Armored Blade Jetkaiser continues apace, albeit I've had to delay it a bit as well, due to some surprise complications necessitating the reworking of some key aspects of the combat system

I'm still weighing whether I want to release the first pre-release editions without the dogfighting ruleset to get it out the door faster, but it feels like that'd be a bit of a betrayal. Maybe I'll put it up to a poll soon? Who knows.

At any rate, Armored Blade Jetkaiser is Armored Blade Jetkaiser, and that means it's a solo project that I'm working on in my second layer of free time (what I do after I do the things I do in my free time) so it was always bound to be a little extra slow

What's up with OMEN/CONSTANCE?

OMEN/CONSTANCE is coming. No delays are expected, because I didn't actually set a release date. At any rate, it's coming about as fast as expected!

It should be entering the final stage of work soon, since we're only a song or two short of release. Look forward to it! There might be a few surprises on this one

RI47? In My Project?

While I'm not at liberty to discuss the specifics of it quite yet, I'm going to be featuring on a few projects! Watch out! Or don't! I'll be here, regardless. I'll make a point of saying more once I can.

As it stands, the projects are game-related, and I don't have to actually make the games for once

Lovely! Lovely!!

Wrapping Up?

Mostly! Before I forget, I'll probably throw Chivalry Without Honour on Bandcamp as a single at some point in the next few days. If you enjoy that track, you can pick it up, probably!

Also, I've finally worked out the ideal portion of salt to cut the burnt taste from my instant coffee! I won't write it down here, because discovering that is an important (and personal!) milestone in every frugal caffeine addict's life, kinda like learning which brand of inexpensive vodka won't make you sick.

You've really gotta learn it for yourself! But it's worth it!

See you soon!

[sucker4sixx]

Barracuda

From 2023!

Plot: johnny and reader meet eachothers after a pretty shitty breakup...

Warnings: dirty smut, degrading, praising, public sex, sad topics, online bullying, alcohol, talk of death, anger, cursing

It had been a long, lonely six months since you and johnny broke up. You got invited out to a club by bam who you still kept in contact with after separating from the rest of the jackass boys, he insisted you came since he missed drinking with you and he would "help you find a new 'fuck bunny'" as he put it. It was no secret you where nervous to see johnny again, but that was to be expected. Johnny was the best lover you ever had and you hadnt seen him since week you broke up to give his old shirts back.

You wore a short dark purple dress with fish net tights and black heels, you wanted to blend in with bam as much as possible. *RING RING* you jumped causing you to tug on your earring that you where halfway through putting in your ear, the pain stinging as you flipped your phone open and balanced it between your head and shoulder "hey bam bam" "hey fuck face ill be out front in ten" "perf, thanks" you took five glasses of strong moon juice before leaving to get you more in the mood

The rasp of an engine screamed from outside your small house and you knew it was bam without looking. Quickly you pushed your feet into your black heels and shoved on a plain leather jacket, carefully trotting out to his purple lambo that reflected off the sun that set making the sky a peaceful orange colour "hey bammy" "stop with the stupid ass nicknames, turd" "only when you do" he went silent before giggling alittle "just get your fuckin seat belt on" "yes sir"

Arriving, bam took your hand leading you in, as planned your outfits matched with colour "hey y/n! I didnt know you where coming!" Chris spoke, smoking at the entrance "heya chris, its been awhile" "for sure, see ya inside buddy" bam nods a hello to him and you both walk in, the bar was decently busy. You where led to where ryan sat, beer in hand "hey ry" "hello m'lady" he smiled warmly up at you, you had seen ryan on the occasion since he was always hanging out with bam.

The cheap couch you three sat on was starting to hurt your arse so you decided to have a walk around to see if you could find anymore of the men who you hadnt saw in too long.

You reached the bar and made the mistake of resting your bare arms on the sticky counter, regretting taking off your jacket and leaving it with bam. "Hi, two cans of ciders please" you say to the bartender, sliding him five dollars. He continued to serve the people who had ordered before you giving you time to look around. Your eyes scanned the crowd of badly dressed 20yr olds untill they focused on a tall man who stood staring at you while a woman tried to dance with him "shit..." you muttered, turning back round. Johnny was the last person you wanted to see right now and oh god did he look hot, a tight white tee-shirt that showed off every inch of his toned chest and blue pants that you wish you where on your knees zipping the fly down on, but his ego and your dignity were the only thing stopping you "hi doll face" you heard from behind you only minutes later, deep raspy southern accent... wonder who that is "hey johnny" turning round and seeing the smug look on his face would make you rage so you decided just to keep facing the bar, composing yourself was the smartest decision you could make right now "who ya here with?" Go away. "Just bam" "you two are getting real close" the bar tender handed you your change and your two ciders, finally releasing you from him "whats it to you?" You asked rhetorically, walking back to bam and ryan.

You didnt want to tell them the previous events, scared of ruining their night or their mood "you didnt get any for me?" Bam asked, a dirty look on his face "no?" You laughed almost as if he was stupid for even asking, which he was. You couldnt help but look around to look for johnny whenever you where away in thought, the effect he has always had on you was strong and you felt like a highschool girl looking for her crush in the hall way.

"Hey bam, ryan" a voice spoke infront of you, johnny. Atleast it saves you accidentally pulling a neck muscle looking around for him "hey ass face, sit down!" Bam was doing this purely to annoy you, moving towards ryan so that johnny was forced to sit next to you. He didnt bother talking to you, laughing and talking with bam and ryan while you sat awkwardly, drinking the last of your cider. God you couldnt help but look at his chests, soon he will be needing a bra more than you will. Its kinda hot though "sweetheart, stop staring your getting drool allover yourself" your head snapped up and he sat smiling at you that god damn smile that made you wanna slap it off him "i was daydreaming, and dont call me that" "youve never been good at excuses" you just shrugged and went back to your cider to hint that you really werent interested in talking to him "so whats been going on with you?" Johnny asked, the smile away but surprisingly not due to your back hand "nothing much, its only been six months. You?" You already knew his life was so much more interesting "well... nothin" oh? "What?

Youve not been doing anything? I mean cmon your johnny knoxville your never not doing anything" he just shrugged and furrowed his brows in a guilty way "its hard when ive not got my partner in crime around" the last thing you needed was sappyness from him, you werent over him at all and spent every night crying into that one teeshirt you left behind "jeff i ment, hes been on holiday" "what a fucking gentleman" he laughed that laugh he usually done and nudged you slightly "cmon, cheer up im only jokin!"

Why is he so calm and so happy? Is he not hurt? Did you not mean a single thing to him? Its only been six fucking months and hes as happy as youve ever saw him yet your so down. He caught on to this pretty fast.

"Johnny, how do you do that?" You knew it might start shit but why shouldnt you know "do what?" Sigh "your so cheerful so fast" "reword that doll i dont understand" you turned your head away in embarrassment "just askin if you want a drink?" You gaslighted him to make him think he miss heard you, he raised his brow knowing full well that you where lying "yeah sure, lets go" you had expected him to decline like he always did (because he hated the thought of you slaving around for him) and escape to the dance floor. You sat on a bar stool, him sitting on the one next to it "two ciders and two beers" you say sliding the bartender a ten "love life?" Johnny asks suddenly, catching you off gaurd "huh? What? No!" A laugh escaped both your lips "no love life" you added for good measure "you?" He just shrugs "hardly" johnny clears his throat and looks around alwardly "so how have you really been" "yeah really good!" LIE "the quite life is definitely for me" LIE "Oh really? I thought that was just an excuse to get away from me"

-

You sat at home after coming home early from some stupid skit that would definitely leave johnny dead if it was preformed wrong, you stormed from the set and drove home. He doesnt consider your feelings and what your life would be like if he died from some stupid stunt.

You went home and opened your computer when a news tab popped up "johnny knoxville seen in public

HOLDING HIS GIRLFRIENDS HAND" what?reluctantly you opened it. It was just a picture of you two walking holding hands literally nothing out of the ordinary. You jumped to the comments to see if they would agree that thats literally nothing. Nope.

"Stupid skank!" "Shes too ugly for him!" "Im his perfect girl" "hes too hot, someone break them up"

News report after news report the comments where the same and looking at them was self destruction. Johnny had argued with you multiple times for seeing them or for leaving his work early because you where scared if he died. Recently he had been pent up due to work and had accidentally been taking it out on you.

"Im leaving i cant do this" you whispered to yourself, walking up to your shared room. You got the huge suitcase that u had bough for your holiday in spain only a few months before hand. Once that was full you packed your bags up with everything that couldnt fit.

One by one you brought the bags to the door, ready to lift them into your car

*CLICK*

The front door opened and johnny stood staring at you with an expression either of fear, worry or confusion"oh your home early" he just nodded, staring at your bags

"yeah i decided not to do it, you going on holiday?" You stopped for a moment to decide if you really wanted to do this but it had been on your mind for awhile, if you didnt do it now you would be happy "no pj, im leaving" suddenly he turned his back and locked the door "no your fucking not" "pj please..." he held his back against the door, a horrified look on his face and tears welling in his eyes "baby i cant let you go" "but its for the best" you wiped the tears that ran down your cheeks "your not thinking straight, you need to stop" he pointed an accusing finger at you"i am, please move stop making this more difficult" you walked towards the door and tried to pull him away from it "why are you wanting to leave me, i love you" his voice had gone dark and croaky and he didnt bother wiping the tears that ran down his cheeks away "this is too much for me, you hurt yourself without thinking of the after effects. I wouldnt be able to live if you got seriously hurt. Youve been seriously nagging me for ages i feel like your my parent! The things people say online about me are getting worse, i need a quite life away from..." you trailed off "me?"johnny asked, you just nodded, he grabbed you into a hug "no no no dont leave me i can tell them to stop, ill be better for you" "let me go" you pleaded, the tears streaming onto his shirt now. As if a switch went off he let go and stormed into the living room "fuck!" You could hear him shout, you took your chance and unlocked the door, pushing all your bags to your car "what the fuck!" You could still hear him screaming, trying to make sense of it all. Once your car was full you looked back to the front door that still lay open, no sight of johnny waiting to wave you goodbye. You left to go back to your own small apartment, seeing him appear at his door watching your car leave.

A week later you built up your courage to give johnny back a few shirts he had left at yours or just gave to you.

You arrived at his front door and knocked it loud so that he couldnt use 'i didnt hear you' as an excuse.

*CLICK*

johnny answered the door, he hadnt shaved or been to sleep in ages it looked like, his hair all scruffy and house dark and stinky "what?" His voice croaked "just giving you back your stuff" he took the shirts from your hands and put them on the table in the house giving you a chance to glance around and the un cared for home

"that all?" "Yeah i uh-" "bye" he grumbles over you, slamming the door in your face.

-

The bar tender slides you both your cans and the change, johnny cracks open a can and brings it to his lips "how are you doing?" You ask him "surviving" he gave a loose smile "definitely better than i was, that wasnt my proudest moment" he giggled drinking a little bit more of his drink "im sorry for leaving" the topic had gone sad and dense and you could feel the alcohol making a sour turn in your mood "do you regret it?" You took a quick swig of your cider and tapped your fingers off the can anxiously "you know... yeah i guess, but the comments about me where too much i dont think i could put myself through that again" he shakes his head "forget about all that shit, what about me? Do you regret leaving me?" He desperately searched your eyes, the same look that he showed when he saw u with the suitcases. Tears in both your eyes now, the silence dragged out too long.

His mouth opened to say something but you quickly stopped him by crashing your lips off his, he brought his left hand up to cradle your face, running circles on your cheek with his thumb as he usually did. Very quickly his tongue slid into your mouth, the bitter taste of whiskey and vodka from his and the strong moon juice and cider from yours dancing between your mouths. He pulled away, his eyes dark with lust that you have never seen before "i need you darlin, like real bad" suddenly his voice was deep and southern, the exact way that turned you on "ill call a cab" once again he shook his head "no i cant wait that long". With a tight grip of your hand johnny was dragging you from the bar to the single mens bathroom, bathroom sex sounded fun but you groaned knowing that mens bathrooms were already filthy enough.

As soon as the door slammed shut johnny was cornering you to the door kissing your neck greedily making you moan and hold the back of his head, encouraging him to continue. "Take your clothes off honey" he spoke with a rasp, moving himself away to remove his own clothes. Once you had finished you made your way to him, kissing his neck back while he took off his boxers revealing his dick that was already leaking and red "bend over the sink for me like a good girl" you obliged, resting your arms on the sink that was decaying at the corners, infront of you stood a mirror that had a crack near the top and was stained slightly.

Through it you could see johnny walking up behind you, eyes filled with dangerous amounts of lust as he crouched under you. An evil giggle sounded from under you, johnny gripped the back of your thighs tight while he slowly dragged the tip of his tongue through your folds making you gasp and buckle your knees. "Oh fuck" you whispered through your hand that covered your mouth. Slowly he started licking your clit to tease you, with every painfully slow lick your eyes would clench and moans fell out your mouth "johnny please... go faster" you forced out "pardon doll?" He knew fine well but used it as an excuse just to stop and made you huff "go faster" you desperately pleaded "faster?" "Please..." before you could finish speaking johnny shoved two fingers inside your dripping head and flicked his tongue over your clit repetitively making you quite literally scream in pleasure, gripping onto the sink for dear life.

"Johnny.. slow down" you gasped, struggling to even stand as he continued to plow his fingers into you and make out with your clit "dont act like you dont want this doll" he spoke from under you, he wasnt wrong.

You wouldve been angry as shit if he stopped. Loud moans continued to bark out your mouth, your forehead started to hurt from resting it against the mirror.

Only a minute later he had you weaker, melting against the sink while your legs helplessly shook. Curses spilled out your mouth "fuck... fuck johnny im going to cum"

"cmon darlin, cum around my fingers" with that ur moans where out of controll, he had suck a way with words. "Fuck im-" your moan was cut off by confusion as he pulled out "johnny what the fuck?" He got up and put his hands on the sink infront of you, looking at you through the mirror with a evil smile "god you look so hot when your mad sweetheart" his hand slithered to your neck where he held it up, not hard but hard enough. With a quick movement he shoved his cock into you, making your eyes roll back and a guttural moan scream from you "you want everyone to hear you? Hear you like the little slut you are?" He mocked, continuing to slam his hips upward. You forgot that the bar wasn't extremely busy and if anyone went near the bathroom door they would hear you without a doubt

"hm? Is that a yes? You like them hearing me stuffing you with my fat cock?" You nodded feverishly earning loud grunt from him "good girl"

Soon his strong thrusts became shakey, your mind somehow managing to catch on to the song in the back round, barracuda by heart the song that played when you and johnny first had sex. His grip in your hair tightened almost scalping you as his moans became louder, you looked at him through the mirror the realisation finally setting in. This is the last time, isnt it?

You shed tears as you came around him without warning due to your moans becoming silent from the distracting thought "fuck sweetie, you feel amazing... where should i-" "inside pi" he grabbed you into a hug as he continued to fuck you from behind, a clear reaction to the nickname that u hadnt called him in ages "fuck... oh shit" his grip tightened around your torso as you felt his warm cum filling you up.

He stayed like that for a few, hot breath making itself comfortable in the crease of your neck. You still silently cried without him noticing. "Fuck that was great" he finally spoke, pulling out and instantly cleaning you both up with the rough toilet paper that sat ontop of the toilet. "Yeah" you said blandly, pulling your clothes back on "doll? Look at me." Reluctantly you faced him, red puffy eyes giving away that you were crying "ah, shit.. did i hurt you?” You just shook your head, biting your cheeks to keep in the agonising cries that you let out everyday "speak to me" johnny pulled on his boxers and sat on the toilet lid, you standing like a lost child at the door trying so hard not to cry. Instead of just standing there you walked over to him and sat on his lap, resting your head on his shoulder.

"I cant live without you" you felt pathetic, so utterly pathetic. Sitting in the lap of the man thats heart you broke, crying into his shoulder. A small sniffle sounded behind your ear and you felt his big arms wrap around you "you mean it?" "Pi, breaking up was the worse decision of my life. I beat myself up for it everyday" he just grasped you into a tighter hug, properly crying now breaking your heart by the second, you broke such a strong man. "Cmon honey, lets go back to my place yeah?" He sniffed "yeah lets go"

Once you both decided it was okay you left, a couple of people drawing you dirty looks "y/n!" Bam shouted from behind the both of you, you turned round to see him standing with a random guy "thus is ted hes your fuck bunny for tonight" thats when johnny turned round and bam finally realised what was going on

"what the fuck!" He shouted as you and johnny ran to the door, calling a cab giggling like children.

The house was no different than you had left it apart from the pictures of you where not up on the walls anymore. You made your way to his bedroom and he offered you one of his teeshirts to wear to sleep.

Spooning him was like finally taking a drug that you decided to stop for some reason, his scent invading you but you couldnt care less

"Night doll" he spoke softly in your ear with a sleepy raspy voice "night darling" you replied, earning a huge grin from him that you could feel forming at your neck....

[yellowocaballero]

I loved NewWave and it's nominated for my top reads 2023, BUT THE JASON FICLET??? I thought it was going to be a light read but it hit me full force in the face because I didn't expect to identify so much with Jason! When I read your Jason it was like I was reading myself and I want you to know that I started reading it early at night and finished it at dawn because I constantly had to stop and cry because of how much my heart resonated with his! loved it

HI THANK YOU <3

I'm glad you identified with him! Jason is very much a character who's a little like me too. He's a born writer, and his way of using fiction to put the world in a framework that he can understand is very relatable. It leaves him a little out of touch with the reality of situations, but that's a feature and not a bug.

I can't relate as much to the racial undercurrent in the story, but I don't want to understate it. It has to suck for Jason to feel constantly compared to the blonde haired blue eyed 'perfect sidekick'. She provides something seen as valuable and ideal that Jason never could. Coming from Steph's viewpoint (and considering canon) the idea of her being unattainable perfection is deeply funny, but it's very real to Jason. Adding in Tim - who's identical to Bruce and comes from the same social strata - makes Jason feel like it's every man for himself.

That's what makes his connection with Bruce even more important, though. He's the polar opposite of Bruce in every way, but although Tim and Bruce are similar in a lot of ways, Jason and Bruce have a deep connection and understanding that Tim and Steph don't. They're both dreamers who make the world a stage, their need for justice comes from a place of great pain, and they love in quiet ways.

Jason's a special kid. Like Steph, he has so much value that he doesn't see. Unlike her, he wants more - he's hungry for it, that life with meaning and kindness. He's finally attained something good, and he's scared of losing it. He has so much to offer that he can't see, and the happiness of the story is when he's seen.

New Wave was my way of giving a character who's been routinely fucked over by canon and sidelined by fandom the spotlight. She's special and perfect and loved and recognized and important because...she's none of those things 'in real life'. I wanted to give that to her. Steph's a character I related to when I was her age, and I wanted to give that to myself too.

Jason came from a similar place. I do think canon & fanon are like...overly obsessed with him lmfao. There's a billion 'Jason joins the manor' stories and it's why I almost didn't write the story lol. But he's rarely given the chance to be a kid, one who exists in his own right - to join the Batfam out of his own choice, which is something bizarrely rare in fic. And kids like Jason are the forgotten ones, and it will always be Jason's dream to show the forgotten children that they're as much Robin as he is.

I'm glad it meant something to you ;-;. This story meant a lot to me too, which is why I can go onnnn about it lol. Thanks for reading and enjoying! <3