#which isnt a bad thing and logically i know it isnt but it still hurts

[forest-wolfie]

I probably shouldn't broadcast my feelings online but I feel other artists may understand this feeling I am dealing with rn

Copy pasted my whole discord rant about it under the cut, it's nothing bad I'm just moping about my art being garbage

I keep having some rough mental health drops at night idk what the fuck is goin on with me right now

I mostly just do not feel good about anything I make anymore

It's not even that they suck they are still nice and good like objectively! I'm just not confident in anything I do and it's hindering me and I can feel it

I just feel like I am not. Good enough compared to everyone else around me in particular which is just a me issue

It is just making me very upset and also very sensitive to critiscm and I don't know exactly what to do with myself other than just ride through it I guess

In order to improve though I have to leave my tiny box I've put myself in

It just makes me feel. Sad. Deeply upset

I wish I did not have to feel such things about my art and writing even though they really aren't that terrible they're just silly or ""cringe"" and I beat myself up for it

This is all a little disjointed but it's the best I can express how I feel currently

Like a lot of this recently had just made me feel like I want to quit art like. As a whole. Or just quit being creative

I just have to quit beating myself up and setting such high expectations for myself because I need to be told hey your owkr isn't the shit and it can suck

Which sucking isn't even A BAD THING!! But I percieve it that way and only upset myself! It fucking sucks man

I just wish I could love and enjoy my creations the way I used to. I want the drive to express myself again and not create just to have a silly image completed. I want the things I make to have joy in them

This is all a big emotional dump but I can't really hold it anymore, I'm just so upset that I'm even punching myself over small critiscms and things I could do to improve like this

I just have being perceived as bad when even then being bad at creativeness is not an evil thing

I don't know it's just. Painful

I just wish I could take crit and be able to draw stuff out of my mind that I enjoy without crying my eyes out over it because I'm told one thing about it could be better :(

It's embarrassing and I feel like an ass for it

I just want to be able to be at my full potential without feeling like an idiot for trying to learn and being given directions on HOW to learn

Makes me feel like I'm 16 all over again ugh

[deepwoundsandfadedscars]

Sat down to have a chat with my cousin before he flies home tomorrow to his wife, just cause I was anxious that she would try to twist it against me if she talked to him first, I explained my side of what the interaction was and the blatant lies she claimed, and he's not at all surprised and in fact is already planning on getting a paralegal when he gets home to start getting her the fuck out of his life

Me last night: hmm maybe I want another tattoo, I'm going to start talking to this artist *sends message*

My cousins wife: *sends an incredibly hostile message about how I've been ignoring her and she's gone above and beyond for me trying to be supportive of me, when in reality she hasn't texted me first since November and when I text her, she's very short with me and makes no effort to continue a conversation with me*

"Yeah hi, artist? Make that three tattoos"

[kavehayi]

estos celos!

jealous bfs headcannons - feat. hsr boys!

hsr boys include: blade, welt, luocha, danheng, gepard, ratio, aventurine

author's note: hello everyone! sorry i havent made anything in a while, ive been really busy💔 but i will say that i will start posting more and i actually mean it this time, i will make time to post! i love you all and hope you understand! this blog will undergo a layout change so be on the lookout!

BLADE • the not so obvious jealous but you can tell

does not seem like the type to make jealousy obvious at all

but when he is...be careful because he will get so damn possessive

in a good way! not in a bad way, bladie would absolutely never do anything to hurt you on purpose

when he's jealous, i like to think he tries to hide it but eventually you notice something is wrong

when you ask him what's wrong, he'll tell you straight up how he feels

he doesnt seem like the type to beat around the bush at all

he'll tell you why he's jealous to your face because he loves you and feels like honesty is better than keeping away secrets

but to be honest...he probably saw you with another guy and got upset

and yes i do imagine blade to be upfront about how he feels once you ask him about why he's off

WELT • very upfront about how he feels and i mean VERY

as soon as he feels jealous, he'll tell you straight up

like as fast as a click, he tells you immediately and discusses it with you

he's very logical but will get jealous at times, just be understanding is all he can ask

most the time you guys will come to a compromise and each time you guys never get into arguments

but there is sometimes where you guys will but he never intends to break your heart

hes a sweet man and all he asks for is for your understanding and support

when he does make you upset during your tiny arguments he wants you to immediately tell him

even if you're stubborn

LUOCHA • he's a doctor so obviously...tells you immediately

hes a doctor so he has to be used to telling people the truth

so obviously this wouldnt be too bad with your guys' relationship

when he's jealous, he'll tell you how he feels after the moment of jealousy ends

which usually isnt for a few days so maybe he doesn't tell you immediately but its fine!

he does tell you eventually though, and i think thats better than never telling you

DANHENG • a little bit more shy if im honest

he's usually straightforward ok? but...

when it comes to you, that man is an absolute softie that has no idea what to do when he's around you

the man stammers sometimes trying to form a sentence around you when you look amazing

so honestly, when he's jealous, he tries to hide it like blade does

but when you eventually notice that he's off, he'll burst

like a dam, the man is stuttering out sentences and trying not to sound possessive or clingy

eventually he does sound clingy as hell and everytime your heart melts hearing his concern with you potentially leaving him

and each time you remind him how much you love him

(self indulgent sorry guys...softie dan heng is my weakness...)

GEPARD • another softie who's even more shy

biggest softie in the universe, the man is a golden retriever bf i dont care what you say

you adore him but everytime you go out with someone else and leave him at home

better expect the man to send a bunch of clingy texts

when you get home he tries denying the jealousy allegations

but he fails, hes jealous, he has to admit it

after years of questioning, you finally break him and he admits it to you

he knows you love him but he still gets a bit insecure at times and thats ok!

a little reassurance never hurt no one afterall!

RATIO • completely blunt but also a little bit more guarded

the man is known for being blunt and open but when it comes to you

he prefers being more guarded on his feelings cause according to him

its the logical thing to do

but he'll never admit just how much he loves you, i mean the man keeps every little gift you get him

but goodness when he's jealous, you can tell

he gets very possessive and holds you close to him no matter the situation

once you guys are done with the situation, he talks to you about it

and you have to be understanding and reassuring with him because he does it to you so its only fair

besides, he'll never tell you but his biggest fear is...

losing you

AVENTURINE • a little guarded but he tries to be open

the man is guarded about his feelings and for good reason

it took a while for you to understand how he felt about you because he was afraid

he didnt wanna get hurt

but after some reassurance, you finally got him to admit he wanted to be with you

and so you prepared yourself for the hardships

and you made sure he knew how much you loved him

but when he got jealous, he had a hard time opening up about it

it'd be very hard to tell if he was jealous so you usually picked up on his body language or even his eyes

if he had his left hand behind his back then you'd know that he was hiding something

once you caught him, then he'd try telling you but you never forced anything

he loves you, and he'll always remind you it and even when he has a hard time opening up...

yknow its just how he is because of everything he's been through

just...dont be hard on him

hihi! send in a message if you want a part two! also please request what men you want in part two!

[legally-allowed-to-slime]

I understand your point in the gem stuff, but in the same way, pearls hole mission was to get a mounder to win. Scar was a honorary mounder.

She didnt 2v1 gem because she didnt want her to win, she did it so scar wouldnt lose. He was her ally at the end of the day, even if not for long, he decided to fight by the monders side rather than against them, which could’ve changed the end of the series DRASTICALLY.

i feel like both povs are so complex that there isnt a good and a bad side. Gem got hurt by pearl not being able to comunicate her feelings, leading her to believe that they were FULLY allied, and pearl just doesnt get how gem can’t understand that they were allied by the zombie apocalypse/murder camel, rather than an actual alliance.

Another thing is that gems allies sacrifaced themselves for her and were supper suportive, and seeing someone she consider an ally quote on quote “betray her” for the first time probably hit her the wrong way.

At the end of the day theyre both pathetic, get your shit together and kiss already/J/lh

if there’s one thing i’ve thought a lot about it’s sl!shiny duo. so trust me i know what you’re getting at, but my point was from gem’s perspective, pearl’s argument would be slightly insensitive.

look, it should be easy to see to anyone that pearl was closer to gem than scar. from gem’s perspective, it makes sense that pearl would choose her. she didn’t know about the impromptu mounders thing, and even if she did, that was as hasty and unofficial a bond as the murder camel. gem and pearl explicitly refused to fight each other in the finale till the very end, so i feel gem was expecting that this would follow through, while pearl, whose allies usually die by this point, had to make what was the “logical” choice. plain and simple, pearl betrayed gem. this is a true, irrefutable statement, regardless of any other factors. for gem, it’s quite simple: you betrayed me last season, so i don’t love you. for pearl, not quite.

so. from pearl’s perspective, as she said in WL, she was allied with scar. what’s strange is she tacks on that gem was trying to kill her allies, which, while true, ignores the moments where gem and pearl shook their heads at each other or were reluctant to fire, and the fact that pearl was itching to kill scott, gem’s ally. i think it might just be her making excuses after the fact even though her actual reason (scar was an honorary mounder) holds up better under scrutiny. i don’t think this says much about her character other than she is really bad at arguing with her exes

that was pearl’s fourth series, she should know by now how it goes in the finale. except she doesn’t. pearl’s never had an ally on the other side, like most other lifers. unfortunately pearl has the same, straightforward, sensible way of thinking that scott has, in that her conscience makes her place day one allies over everything else, not even gem, because it’s what’s “loyal” and what’s right. since her teammates were dead, scar was effectively closest to that definition. like i said, gem didn’t know this, which is why pearl’s choice must’ve seemed all the more abrupt.

anyway, pearl’s moral code just doesn’t have room for gem. because logically she has to support the one she’s been fighting along the whole finale, and she’s still really confused over joel and bdubs dying and doesn’t know what to do. sure, pearl and gem were close, but “technically”, she should side with the guy who wasn’t trying to kill her allies. this is a bit sad because scar does say later on that he just kind of came along for the ride and didn’t consider himself a mounder, which he does make clear when scott asks him why he’d side with the mounders, but which pearl disregards because her definition of loyalty is very black and white.

so basically, from gem’s pov pearl betrayed her so she’s mad, but it ignores the fact that pearl choosing scar makes sense on paper. from pearl’s pov gem is unreasonable for being mad, but it ignores the fact that pearl and gem were definitely closer than scar.

idk guys if they don’t talk next session i might lose it

[wolfnesta]

It’s just irksome when I see some takes get completely misunderstood

• ‘the IC is 500 so? nesta is 25 she’s an adult’- the point is that the 500 year olds are living and have lived with their trauma for much longer and should have more knowledge on these things. Not only because of that but because as leaders I would think they would know how to handle these things in regards to people living in their court but as the CoN members indicate, they don’t. But Mor said Nesta would ‘thrive’ so that makes it totally okay. Wtf??

• ‘Pointing fingers at Rhys every time Nesta does something bad is all they do’- acting like stanning Feyr.e and tolerate Rhys by extension is fine but proceeding to dedicate almost every other post to go on and on dissing Nesta is just plain shallow and hypocritical. They can dislike Nesta all they want but if they can’t keep the same energy towards other characters in the name of Fey.re mistreatment then I 🙃 can’t take them seriously. But it’s okay I get theyre just a victims of the narrative

• ‘Rhys doesn’t even want to be high king how is everyone so mad at him’- what Rhys wants or not isn’t the problem it’s this agenda that keeps getting shoved about how Rhys is so good. Which might well end up happening because of it. And that’s the problem. Because why try to make him morally grey then go on and on about how amazing and kind and ✨hurt✨ and ✨misunderstood✨ he is.

• ‘People believe head canons are canon/Interpretation aren’t canon’- as maybe it’s been noted by now in this rant canon is the problem. If someone has emotions for certain characters wether good or bad all of them are valid because like it’s literally a human right to express yourself. The unpopular part of our interpretation is that it seems sjm specifically fashioned her work so specific characters can be hated then ‘redeemed’ and because of this ended up having half of us see her mcs are actually quite crappy and her side ones don’t align with half the punishments they keep getting, which I mean— if seeing those interpretations bothers someone I recommend just blocking or filtering a tag it’s actually quite simple. Which takes me to my next point though

• ‘Just because Nesta has a reason to be bitchy doesn’t make it right/Nesta’s wrongs keep getting compared to others’- it’s ironic to hear this because this logic is exactly why I dislike the IC. The ‘comparisons’ are moments of examples. Take the HoW Elain visit scene. She happily comes by to see Nesta to explain things which is really nice of her right? despite not being present to show this support during Nesta’s intervention, but wait, Nesta walked by her once in the street without acknowledging her while she was going through depression but remember thats no excuse for Nesta to do this, which right, but So Why doesn’t the same logic apply here to Elain though? The intervention was done abrasively as it was but because they love her despite her being a bitch and so Nesta deserves this mistreatment in the name of tough love! What happened to the reason isn’t excuse logic? Then word for word proceeds to tell her not to act so miserable. People are set up to believe this idea through the entire series that Nesta is cruel and more so in acosf because Nesta says this herself and oh good lord 🙄 let’s only remember the parts where it was super evil of Nesta to blame Elain about their dead father let’s completely forget the completely offhand comment Elain had just made and not just in the visit but the complete disregard of her during the intervention. And remember reason doesn’t equal excuse. But apparently that logic only applies to Nesta. Then to proceed to say Nesta isnt even ‘trying’ and still see Nesta as the only mean one here blows my mind. Let me make sure it’s understood— this is not a comparison about Elain vs Nesta it’s the fact Nesta is portrayed as cruel and any trauma or reason behind her actions are still inexcusable and also proceed to make any mistreatment of her warranted. Where is the reason isn’t excuse logic for her?! Yet she keeps getting this trauma invalidation by the fandom left and right?? And it’s justified to mistreat her?? How this narrative can go on and on for the whole book and readers actually believe it is beyond me.

Just to name a few.

Nesta’s story was falsely advertised as a healing journey when really what we kept getting was a character that kept getting exploited over and over. The character trait that set her aside and made her so beloved to us fans was handled awfully and perhaps readers that don’t understand Nesta will never understand.

And I’m tagging every anti tag so if you come across this and feel offended then maybe you should learn to filter

[beatcroc]

How do you feel about Theodore Noisevelt? As someone with ADHD I can feel it oozinf out of him so bad I love him so much

noise is the one guy i've kept intentionally 1-dimensional/ comic relief because i simply enjoy tormenting him too much and if i gave him any real depth i'd start feeling bad about it shjsdjsdf. also i dont even TRY to reconcile the unmasked 'just some guy' Theodore J. with noise's regular look because theres just way too much mental dissonance there. hes not allowed to be normal like that theodore j. isnt real he cant hurt me

i started trying to come at this one like 3 different ways and it turns out i have a lot of trouble organizing my thoughts about noise too. he sucks and i hate him. by which i mean hes great and i love him. I think he's one of the best examples of how to make a character legitimately fun and enjoyable despite being a horrible little shitlord with zero redeeming qualities. You just gotta 1: keep it light, 2:CRUCIALLY: make him funny, and 3: as a potent extra bonus in noise's case specifically, make him a huge fucking loser who is only /almost/ able to fully convince you of the contrary.

Point 1 is like 90% just because this game is funny cartoons and leans hard into that, and noise is like, the MOST cartoons out of everyone. like when i say unmasked noise haunts me it's because he does not feel like he should be A Guy. he is a Cartoon Entity. but seeing as pizza tower can also pull a surprising amount of gravitas when it wants to, that last 10% is really just that like. Noise isn't really actively mean? He is an absolute hellion but he's not Mean. More than anything he just wants to get a rise out of people, and though this often entails being destructive, none of his bastardry really does much lasting or large-scale damage [compared to, perhaps, lets say, pizzahead]

2 wraps pack into both other points; he's funny both because it's cartoons, and because he's a huge loser. A tangential point to both of those that fits here though is that he's fucking like pathologically obsessed with peppino. Which is really par the course for like half the characters in this game, and i do think at least half the reason he targets peppino so much is just that peppino is Incredibly Easy to get a big reaction out of, but it also seems like there's more to it that just that? and for noise specifically there's like zero logical reason for it??? He is, in nearly all walks of life, far better off than peppino, and yet. Here he is. Seemingly quite jealous and insistent on tormenting [and perhaps even imitating?] this guy who is realistically quite far beneath him. And like. Why. Don't you have better things to be doing mr. TV star? You literally have better things to be doing but this is what you're dedicating yourself to you fucking little weirdo. And it's not even like a genuine hatred! It's a bit! They're still like lunch buddies off-camera or whatever! I forgot where I was going with this im moving on

Point 3 is just. He doesn't have any fucking friends? You can kinda get the vibe of this normally but getting his campaign REALLY drives home how much emptier all his shtick is than peppino's. And this would potentially be kinda sad if not for the fact that 1. He doesn't care at all and 2. It is his own damn fault. for being such a such a petty little gloryhound. like for the most part the cast of this game is pretty befriend-able but noise is only particularly interested in being the center of attention at all times; and he will lie, cheat, and kill to make sure it stays that way. and again hes allowed to do this because its funny cartoons. and also because no one cares. its just like yeah, that's noise, he's our local bastard, whatever. he puts on so much bravado and no one is phased by it they all know he is full of shit. he never drops the act because GOD FORBID he not be the coolest and best at everything forever and everybody else just kinda lets him believe it and/or let him believe he has them fooled. there's also the occasional peeks that he hates but then like BRO WHY ARE YOU DOING IT???? YOU CAN STOP. NOBODY WOULD MIND!! IVE SEEN YOU HAVING CASUAL LUNCH WITH PEPPINO!!!! anyway. i think thats pretty much everything i wanted to say.

tldr: thank you funny cartoons

[caffeinatedopossum]

Idk why but I feel like this awakened something in me. Public therapy session between me and myself was a success 👍

reminder.... bad people aren't worried that they might be a bad person.

Thanks 🥺

(skfjgh sorry I'm about to rant)

I used to think this a lot to reassure myself but now I think my ideas of what good and bad are have gotten more complex. Like, someone with good intentions can do a lot of harm because they aren't making any effort to reflect on the actual effects of their actions. And some people know they're a bad person but are okay with it. Or some people have bad motives to do good things so does that make them good or bad?

I think I'm just scared of being one of those people. I don't want to be someone who doesn't know or doesn't care how I effect other people and I don't want to be someone that tries not to effect people at all either anymore. I used to try that but it's impossible and it's also not what I want. I exist and I want to help people with that existence. Not to make up for my existence but to actually just help people.

But because of that, I think a lot about this. And I don't always know if it's good for me. I worry a lot because I care a lot but the worrying tends to take over

[zuffer-weird-girl]

Can i request chisaki au where kin gets her first period and angel isnt there? Just kai panicking cus blood is unsanitary and kaito being confusion, maybe kai sending eight percepts to store for pads?

"You sure all of you will be fine?" You asked carefully while putting on your jacket as your husband only arched one of his eyebrows at your question.

"That must be the third or fourth time you ask me this before you go out."

"I know, and I'm sorry but I'm just worried." You huffed while kneeling down to out on your shoes "you and Kaito has been in each other throats lately-"

"I hate the teenage years... wish he was a kid again so it would be easier." He growled and whispered the last sentence, which resulted in making you snort.

"That's what happens to kids. They grow. As I was saying; you and Kaito discussions and Kin-"

"What about Kin?" Your husband interrupted you knew again making you roll your eyes "She had been in her best behavior."

"I know. Daddy's girl and all." You huffed while standing up "But I'm not worried about that. Kin is nine years old now Kai; and we still didn't talked about when she is going to turn into a "woman"" You made the gesture with your fingers.

Your husband blinked and you sighed.

"Her period Kai..."

"That's not going to happen now dearest."

"Love but she is almost at-"

"No she isn't. She is still a brat." He sighed while crossing his arms over his chest.

"Kai. Her breast had started to grow and you were adamant on not buying her a bra... I had to convince you to buy for her for almost 2 weeks..." You deadpanned as he scoffed.

You approached him with a smile before pecking his covered cheek, adoring how even years after marriage you could still see a bit of color to appear on his ears and cheeks at your lil interactions

"I absolutely love how you treat Kaito and almost worships Kin, but you know better than anyone that she is not going to be little forever."

Kai was a logical man. He knew how things in the world worked. He studied anatomy when he was only a kid just to have a better understanding of his quirk. Sometimes you were scared at how much Chisaki knew your body better than you.

But apparently when it comes to his kids, his knowledge was thrown out of the window. Even if he refused to admit it.

"Don't you have somewhere to go woman?" He growled as you giggled.

"Alright, alright. But we will discuss this after I'm back, okay?"

.

.

.

"Checkmate." He mumbled as the teenager in front of him scoffed and glared deep into his eyes with a scowl.

"Don't you have a bit of pity on your own son?" Kaito complained while readjusting the pieces once again as he merely chuckled humorless.

"Actually, no. No I don't."

He would have laughed at the extreme offended gasp and wide eyes his skn made if it wasn't a sudden girlish scream echoing in the house.

"Kin?!" He almost screamed while storming over at the direction of his daughter's room and as soon as he barged the door open he saw his little girl gripping her brow hair as her golden eyes teared up. "What in all hell happened brat?"

"I... I... I think I'm going to d-die!" The girl whimpered as she walked in circles

"Die? You sound fine-ow!" Kaito winced at the slight slap on the back of his head.

"What do you mean die Kin?"

"I was felling a bit of pain around h-here-" She circled the said area "A-and it was starting to get annoying but then I just went to the bathroom and t-there is so much blood down there! Is it suppose to bleed down there?! I don't remember hurting myself that bad so I must be DYING!"

He could only blink before the sudden realization came crashing down on him like a thunder... he swore he could feel his soul almost leaving his body at the exact same moment...

"Eh... " the confused sound his son made didn't made him feel any better.

Basically because Kin right now was the only girl inside that house, his wife had gone out and he is almost losing his head ar nothing the trail of blood coming from her bathroom....

"DAD SAY SOMETHING!" She almost yelled as he blinked back to reality.

"You got your period." He blurted out as he was almost leaving the room before pattiing Kaito on his shoulder "Stay with her and calm her down a bit. I will be right back."

"You're seriously pushing this shit to me instead ingles of dealing with it yourself? Is your daughter for Christ sake..." Kaito deadpanned at being completely ignored before he sighed and went after his sister.

.

.

"Pads...?" Nemoto blinked in shock as Overhaul felt like diving himself onto a hole.

"Yeah... my daughter..."

"Oh! Right right." The man nodded "Of course master, I will be right back. Is the miss alright?"

"Yes. She is with her brother..."

Nemoto could only guess that the one that was most freacking out wasn't even Kin anymore, but Chisaki himself....

.

.

"I told you this would have happened..." You sighed with a hand on your forehead after Kin and Kaito explained the whole situation.

"How was I suppose to know that you can get these by 9 years old?!"

"Nothing. But surely leaving out daughter with her older brother while you went on a rampage to clean wasn't the best idea..." You deadpanned as Kaito and Kin could only sigh.

[squeiky]

Sometimes I get really sad and lonely and then I scroll through tumblr.

I think I have to start making a routine to walk outside, but i keep making excuses not too. The only outside place I want to be is on my porch and a park that’s 30 minutes away.

I’m really lonely apparently. It’s a side effect of having very little of a social life (aside from the few interactions on here. Since I don’t interact with anyone on any other site tbh.)

I think it’s just easy for me to be alone. Like I’m sure I developed some kind of abandonment issues and I’m fully aware of how it makes me feel- and that might be why i keep avoiding irl interactions.

Everything feels easier here. No anxiety no pressure. I know people here are okay and already know my goofy little self. I don’t have to worry about appearances and present how I desire. I don’t feel trapped.

I can scream into the void here. I can keep screaming and maybe one day, someone might just scream back. It’s a good feeling.

I keep feeling guilty for posting or rebloging so much. I look at other people getting asks or interactions as “successes”. I see comments and tags and it’s “success”. At what? Hell if I know. Perhaps some social game like popularity, or the fact that somebody is liked enough to have people talk to them.

Ugh, I used to read my old blog posts from an account long abandoned. Reeked of insecurity. I see myself falling back into that spiral over and over again whenever the darkness creeps up a little to closely. Like I can only eve ignore it for so long, until I’m back to screaming again like I am now.

It’s like that stupid feeling, like someone in the back of my mind is screaming “please be with me.” It’s crying all the time.

I don’t know what freindship is, I only see people in black and whites of “useful” and “not useful” the definition of useful isnt exact and varies person to person, but I recognize this is my thought process.

I guess there’s the guilt of it all too. Some underlying shame or guilt constantly pestering me. I hate annoying things and it’s really annoying.

I’m young, and I’m still figuring things out. Though that doesn’t really invalidate or solve how I feel now. Idk.

At some point in time I forgot how to talk to people in real life. It’s like when I do my soul leaves my body and I just go on autopilot. Only to return to a state of constant evaluation and analysis (which are my saviors).

Sometimes I just want to stay broken. Or maybe I was never broken to begin with. I don’t know. I’m sad and buttnaked writing this at 11:54 because I’m slowly developing a fear of sleeping (technically I just have s very strong desire to stay awake for no reason in particular.)

I fucked up with the alt descriptions for my art. I’m unsure if I’m making excuses not to make alts because it’s too much effort-or it’s something else.all I know is that I feel guilty about it.

I hate guilt (or is what I feel shame? I’m uncertain). I wish I never felt it. It’s a disgusting feeling that only does me bad. Usually I can just determine via logic when ive fucked up. But if what I feel is guilt then I do not like it. I wish it wasn’t there I wish it didn’t exist because it annoys me.

I cleared out my wounds too. I’m hopping I made it better by opening up a covered path that was clogging the infection gunk from getting out- and some dead skin. Getting hurt sucks.I thought I would be stronger. But I am reminded I am frail.

Screaming into the void in hopes of a freind. It’s a strange habit to have. Always screaming never a reply. I wish I could make things like this one person I follow. I’ve never seen them ever sad about their lack of interactions (atleast in this platform). I’m trying to be like that. But it sucks that I can’t register likes Orin the same way I do as reason people’s tags or comments or seeing their reblogs.

Since I’m always reblogging other peoples stuff, there’s always that nagging feeling when ever I make my own shit that it’s never enough.

One day though I think I’ll feel “enough”. I’ll drink champagne on that day and eat a chocolate cupcake. Just like a birthday celebration.

[eggs-can-draw]

Shuichi in chapter 4 does make me a bit upset but honestly I’m more understanding

The au:

He in his mind just met kokichi a few weeks ago, he does know him from before, doesn’t know they have know eachother since they were like toddlers, all he knows and sees is someone who is compulsively lying and after chapter 4 led someone to kill and be executed, show sympathy, then completely just wipe it off there face and replace it with apathy

Of course even in canon lying could be used as a defense mechanism, and his lying in the au to protect the fact he remembers and in the au kokichi is suffering fr but shuichi doesn’t know that

Sorry if that was wrong it’s just how I see the situation I also feel bad because shuichi had to accuse gonta or else they would all die, and I didn’t want him to be Executed just like kaito I really wanted to believe he didn’t do it but shuichi had to expose the killer. And because he’s finding the truth lol e kaede wanted he’s hurting the people around him, he is killing people for the truth (which makes me think of more things) and losing his support system who might I add has a hero complex that makes him ignore his own problems

I just think it’s a really complicated situation and feel like sometime people blame one charcter and of course that blame can be valid but your also seeing there actions in an impossible situation were every one is in the right and wrong

Sorry again just my thoughs on it, don’t think anyone’s to blame or a bad person

WELL THIS IS LATE!! Wanna preface my answer with the disclaimer that I wasn't and I'm still not Mad at Shuichi for what he said, it was a heated moment and you can tell that Kokichi was actively trying to antagonize his peers and well. He got to face the consequences of that yknow? I am/was disappointed in Shuichi, but I still understand/understood his actions. Also Shuichi's situation in ch4 was so fucking sad oh my goodness. All Of That followed by the Shit Show that was ch5 good golly. ok so let's get into AU TERRITORY RUBS MY LITTLE HANDS EVILLY. Using this as a small excuse to infodump about In Game Shuichi because I have THOUGHTS. I think that Shuichi has A Theory that something is up, (This is Kyoko I-Full-On-Dipped-For-A-Whole-Ass-Chapter-Because-I-Smelled-Bull-Shit Kirigiri's kid, he's got a nose for sniffing out bs) but it's not something that he's really thinking too had about until ch3, when Kaede and Rantaro come back acting a bit Different and hopping between helping Kokichi get away with a lie or calling him out on them the second they spill out of his mouth (implying they know his tells a little better than they used to, they underestimated how much of an overthinker the SHSL Detective can be) it kinda lost his attention upon watching them die again, and all the things going on in ch4 and 5 (regretted not looking into it later tho lmao, bit of a misstep on his part looking back, "I could have gotten us out sooner, we didn't have to go through that" type beat) Shuichi picks up on Kokichi's tells a little faster than canon but doesn't act on it because the Logical side of his brain points out that a Gut Instinct isnt enough to call out what could totally be the truth yknow? A brain that's been lied to and a gut that Fucking Knows having an internal conflict so he chooses not to act. Sorry that this got so far away from the main topic, you're pretty spot on for Shu tho

[worstdisastermaster]

Also, even tho Athena and Apollo 200% are in a tiff rn bc if the Trojan war, they r still besties. Look at their myths, their temples, their cults, their roles, their domains, etc. They r bros to the highest level- and Apollo loves his big sister *so much*. Much like how he refused to fight poseidon for the Trojan war, he's going to do everything he can for his beloved sister- even defending her beloved hero that he can't be too fond of himself.

Never mind that he knows *exactly how she feels*, ten times + over.

Honestly during the song I always felt like he was winking at her. He was so easily persuaded bc he *wanted* to be, he would have been content with any excuse, he was just putting up the song and dance for zeus

I also really wanna write a scene that's stuck in my mind. The reason Athena decides to meet tele and check up on ody is bc of Apollo. She was def avoiding him, but eventually he tracks her down. And it starts off with a fight, bc she's upset, and apollos barely gathered himself together to try and be compassionate, but it ends with her crying in his arms ab the woes of befriending mortals and "it HURTS 'pollo, it hurts *so bad*, how do you do this, again and again and again?" And basically have a really good discussion that helps the both of them return to that insanely tight-knit friendship from before- stronger then ever, for all that it's tentative now- and he's a very supportive bby brother and encourages her to try again. With his help, she has the courage to do so- to look at things a little less strategically, less like marble, and more logically, like the gentle but unforgiving honestly of a song. (Just like he needs athenas help to get out of his head sometimes, as he gets caught up in Feelings he's so sensitive I love him-)

Now, ofc, Zeus doesn't realize they made up- and both are fine to keep it that way, it's just another tactic, another way to protect themselves and each other. (And they look less like a threat if they aren't combined- especially if he thinks they are actively against each other, so distracted and focused on petty rivalry instead f being a threat to am insanely paranoid king) which is why he was summoned. Bc Zeus summoned the people he thought were least likely to agree, but my understanding of apollos character tells me he'd be the first, every time. Above Hermes, even.

Oh and, I feel like that's a huge part of why Hermes helps out too- bc of Athena. She just doesn't care ab mortals like that. Ever. But all of a sudden she *does* and Hermes is immediately more interested in it. Bc to me he seems like a god less worried ab his descendents, but very much concerned ab his bigger siblings and their lives and his standings with them and everything.

Hephy is... something like that. He's not as supportive as the others, but in his own way, he cares.

Aphys still mad at Athena, and therefore so is Ares. Oh and they are kind of rivals occasionally.

Hera just plain hates Athena as a *legitimate* child of Zeus that is not one of heras- wether or not hera had any desire to bear Zeus children in the first place holds no bearing here bc that was (relatively) normalized back then so people wouldn't have seen that as an excuse. Anyways.

Athena is either Zeuss first or second fav kid- I can't remember where arty falls on the list lol. So she has the best chance out of anyone. But... it's also zeus

And when did this become me discussing the song oooooooop-

Basically I adore Apollo and apollo+Athena friendship gives me life and my brain autocorrects the events to fit in as much of that interaction as possible

(WHICH ISNT TO SAY THAT HERMES HAS NO EFFECT ON APOLLO. Apollo adores his baby brother so much it's not even funny I just agree with all u said already so I'm just adding on XD)

I saw a lot of posts, where is implied that Apollo in God Games doesn't care about Odysseus and his situation at all. But what if it's other way around and Apollo just cares too much?

Mythologically Apollo and Hermes are friends. And looks like Hermes cares about his grandgrandson (Odysseus' grandfather is son of Hermes). Hermes was the only god who helped Odysseus even without being asked, just because Hermes wanted to help him.

I just imagine, that Hermes keeps an eye on Odysseus and constantly chatters to Apollo about him, calling him Ody. So thats why Apollo choose such a ridiculous reason as sirens, and uses "Ody" - he wants to help just because of his friendship with Hermes.

[dumbbitchfrommars]

im uninspired and feeling like my head is empty, because ive spent a longgg time hibernating in the safety and comfort of my own bedroom.

well a small lie - i did go out to buy groceries today. it seems were all in the same boat. its cold out! no one wants to go outside. but connection and social interaction is what brings us confidence and joy and comfort in the discomfort.

but yet somehow despite that discomfort (my anxiety about returning to the real world) i was completely fine. i was okay. because i think ive finally figured it out. i know how to take care of myself. i know how to make space in the world without feeling ashamed or guilty for it. or im learning. but im so so so much better than i was. a year ago, two years ago... etc.

ive been wondering why i thoughtlessly let myself fall into the trap of nostalgia and request an old friend that i cut off on instagram. hes probably wondering why now? and avoiding it. fair enough. im not going to rescind that decision - its done now. but still i question my logic in that moment. but thats the thing, i wasnt thinking. i was being hopeful. but either way - he doesnt owe me anything, even if we were to become reconnected i wouldnt want to reach out or make any plans together. which again begs the question of why i would even try get into contact again in the first place.

i guess i have just been feeling tired of wondering how everyone from my past is doing, and that things could and would be so chill and relaxed if id never jumped to blocking but actually calmly and slowly distanced myself. which is what i am capable of doing now - after a few years of practice.

but coming back full circle - this friend was not a true friend. my nostalgia is a rose coloured pair of glasses because i remember our friendship and bond and the fun we had and the mischief we got up to. but this person - was not a friend. he was ill intentioned and selfish, and didnt truly care for me. he disrespected me and hurt me time and time again. so no, he is not worth my energy anymore. once upon a time we were soulmates. but i changed. i grew up. we grew apart. it was natural. and for some reason... of all the people from my past i could have done it to... it was him?

to be fair i already did reach out to my ex in march. and then i changed my mind within a week or two. and then he reached out to me... isnt that crazy? the timing? the fact that god had us pass eachother by like doves in the wind or ships in the night... because despite our bond still being there - the memories, the connection, the impact we had on eachother - its not enough. it was never enough. again, i grew up, we grew apart, and it was natural.

so what does this all mean for me? my usual logic is to cut the cord and say goodbye. but my subconscious desire to love, be connected, and honour the relationships that made me the person i am today is becoming stronger and stronger. i can put aside my ego and hurt, because i healed. i let it go. it is in the past. the past stays in the past and all that matters is now. and right now - i am not the kind of person who just deletes a person from her life and calls it a day. people are not disposable. and while i respect that we are completely different people now, and our paths have diverged and we will never replace the connection we once had, it doesn't mean i want to let you go entirely. i remember you. i respect how much of an impact you had in creating the person i am today.

i also respect that i probably hurt you just as bad when i walked away. so while i am ready to let go and forgive and reach out, i dont expect you to feel the same. to receive that energy and respond to it. its in YOUR prerogative to simply ignore and delete that request in the same exact way i did.

but... i probably wont reach out to the other friend. some people stay in the past. idk. im lost now. my point is ive let go and forgiven. but nothing really has to change, only my behaviour moving forward. no mistake is worth my walking away. distance is my friend but i dont need to cut people off anymore. thats the easy way out. life isnt meant to be easy. i want to learn to do the hard thing... i am learning to do the hard thing.

this has been a healing experience. thank you, C <3

[thewertsearch]

GA: Hello Again GA: Are We Friends Yet At This Point In Time GA: I Would Speculate That If We Are Not By Now Then It Is Probably Not To Be TT: Pardon? GA: Furthermore Which Rose Have You Chosen To Be This Time GA: The Stupid Rose Or The Smart Rose TT: I'm a little busy.

I wondered why Rose was being so cold here, and was about to call the Horrorterrors out for sinking my ship before it left the harbor - until I remembered this tidbit from GA.

Rose is playing a role here. She’s supplying the ‘disdain’ that GA mentioned before, knowing that she’s ‘destined’ to give her the cold shoulder for the next couple of conversations. 

It probably helps that she actually is busy here. She’s got Underlings to fight, and who knows what the gods of the Furthest Ring are whispering in her head. Indeed, this GA-predestination mechanic is a pretty good way to obfuscate what Rose is actually feeling right now. 

Rose’s mental state has been a huge question mark from the moment she burned those journals. Just how much of this is an act, and what’s really going on in her head? 

GA: Please Take Note Of The Subtle Scorn Underlying The Selection Of The Word Attempting GA: Smart Rose Should Get A Kick Out Of That GA: Smart Rose Is All About Subtle Scorn Isnt She

I know this was all fated, but it’s hard not to feel bad for GA here. She's still trying to be playful, and by all rights, it should be working

TT: Honestly, I was looking forward to playing along and reading your Dumb Rose script for our next conversation. TT: But it turned out there was a perfectly logical explanation for it all. TT: Imagine my disappointment. TT: While I imagine yours, once you finally catch on. GA: I Suddenly Dont Understand Anything GA: What Are You Talking About

8=8 better be a doozy, because this just hurts to read. GA is just so... confused. At least we know she rallies, consults with Dave, and tries to become ‘responsible’ for Rose’s attitude. 

GA: It Was I Who Did Something To Provoke Your Scorn In A Previous Conversation GA: One Which I Have Not Had Yet TT: Yes, that is definitely a conclusion you have just now drawn. TT: The only thing left to do is ride out the next several conversations while you maintain that understanding. TT: And while I maintain the chilly facade you have grown to so enjoy from Smart Rose. TT: Which shouldn't be too difficult, because... have I mentioned? TT: I'm busy. TT: Goodbye.

You know, there’s something about this dynamic that I haven’t considered yet. 

This is Future Rose’s first conversation with GA in months. How do you think she feels about that, however much of her still exists within Rose? 

Maybe this is a little personal. Future Rose was, from her perspective, abandoned by GA, and this might be her petty little revenge. 

[grechsblog]

Oof reddit. I personally dont go there (ive got enough of Torment Nexus Disposition from twitter to even entertain that and it was 5 years ago- Trauma Runs Deep) but sometimes takes from there find me and i whistle like a kettle from annoyance every time

The fact that many people consider wwx 'morally correct' (and in vacuum he is and i will not take that away from him) REALLY rots their brain. His intentions are pure but his methods are not and that is fine! It is absolutely and completely fine and actually normal in therms of the novel. It doesnt make them any less corpse-y or dead-y and the fact that he had no other choice really should underline that fact instead of being posed as an excuse

I know how to love a bastard because my fav from svsss is shen jiu and i love him because i hate him. I hate so so much. I hate that he abuses his disciplines, i hate that he abuses his power, i hate his instant denial of any good thing, i hate his grating willful inability to be anything more than a jagged cheap jewel that stains your neck when you sweat and itches if you wear it too long. And i love to hate him for that. His origins are what Really sold me on him though- because after all that abuse and disuse and hurt and pain it was logical for him to be like that.

It was, but then came silence and peace and his wishes and he no longer needed to be snappish and picky and thorny. He got accepted in the sect, into the second most powerful peak there is to exist. His needs were met. He could thrive. He had a chance to be better, to Do better and the kicker is he didnt take it. He denied it. He chose to still be an asshole because thats who he Is.

Its not exactly same with wei wuxian- because wuxian isnt a bastard nor abusive nor jealous nor a fuckass nor any other thing shen jiu is- but the consensus is that He Did Bad. He did and chose it consciously. Proudly even. He doesnt deny how ugly it is sometimes. How ugly a life is sometimes. Which fucking pisses me off like no other thing when people go 'UUUU but hes GOOD which means his every action is a Beacon of True Righteous uwu' or, objectively worse one, 'UUUUU he wasnt in his right mind so of couserse he cant be held accountable uwu'

Which brings me to the next topic: how sane he was while all of that went down

My answer is Very. Very, very sane, which is exactly why he imploded after everything

I personally think that guidao does not deteriorate a mind by itself. I think it was confirmed that Empathy might? I dont exactly remember. Its also not confirmed if Empathy is guidao or just kinda something wei wuxian knows but anyway

Guidao is a tool, not a cultivation method. Or well, not orthodox cultivation method - ergo 'invite the energy into your body' type of deal. Wwx from my understanding controls resentful energy outside his body through a conduit (chenqing or tiger tally) so as to not use his own body as a conduit. We Do however know someone who did that and that would be the nie. Nie mingjue to be exact as the most recent and most glaring example

Yes guanyao did speed it up a notch or 20, but it was Said, repeatedly, that the nie die young. They die young due to their cultivation method which is revealed to be inviting resentful energy into their body. Which leads to qi deviation, which in turn manifests into snappish moods and rage swing and hard-to-please temperament. Very similar to what wwx had going on, but only on the surface

It is said in the novel that nie mingjue was uncontrollable at his tails end. The nie clan was scared of their leader. He was irrational and mad and powerful and absolutely batshit insane to the point of scaring literally everyone including (if im not mistaken) his own brother. He was a terror up to his ultimate demise. A danger

It was a completely different story for wuxian in those months with the wens. They didnt trust him at the start- and who would trust this 2m tall hellspawn that literally killed over half of an army of someone closer to demi-god instead than human? I wouldnt! Especially after another more real hell on earth that probably killed my kid or my parent in front of my eyes just for some fucks in gold cloths sick amusement.

And yet! And yet in in time the wens grew less scared of him instead of more. They let a 4-6 year old child near him. He let that child chew on his resentful conduit and no one stopped that. Because they liked him and trusted him and Did Not Feel Unsafe in his presence. It hadnt even changed after wen qings sacrifice. They literally all had an absolute blast in burial mounds and it was The most stable time for wwx mentally. Polar opposite to nie mingjues loss of mind no?

(Speaking of that flute chewing. For some unfathomable to me reason people think its negligence on wuxians part when its clearly just highlights that chenqing itself is not dangerous. Why do they think that? Hell if i know- hes literally really good with kids or he wouldnt be made jiangs head discipline in the first place. He wouldnt just let a-yuan chew on anything even remotely dangerous. I doubt jiang fengmian and Especially madam yu wouldve overlooked something like that)

As for wangji well. His intentions Were pure but he hadnt exactly stopped to ask what the hell wwx is even doing. Didnt ask if he was hurting. It didnt even crossed his mind. He just jumped straight to the conclusion that This Is Bad You Need To Stop and no way that bullheaded idiot would listen if wuxian had explained without prompting instead

Plus all that 'come back to gusu with me' perhaps is romantic and a declaration of undying love but- wuxian literally at several points asked 'for what' and in response only got silence. He asked if it was for torture and wangji didnt reply. He asked if it was for indefinite imprisonment and wangji didnt reply. What for? What for? What for? And no answer. I really dont think he wouldve gone with him even If it was harmful- and it wasnt even that

Wei wuxian is a smart, smart man. Confident. Complex. Good. It upsets me that he gets reduced to some helpless baby because its easier that way

If one more person calls wuxians ghost path 'demonic cultivation' with no /j attached i will take arms the way nie huaisan does it (cry)

[comfyswitcherblanketfort]

Silent Treatment

I was really vibing with both of these prompts today so I combined them 🤷‍♀️? I hope y’all Nonies are okay with it? It’s not exact but I think it captures the vibe? I hope?

Warnings: we got mommy issues up in this bitch, on both sides, abandonment, controlling/narcissistic parents, definition of ‘hurt’ isnt explicitly mentioned but is used mainly in the emotional sense, first fight, established geraskier relationship, it ends soft i promise

_______________

Jaskier was surprised by this new side of Geralt every day. He was gentler, attentive, sweet, and even verbally appreciative of Jaskier and the little things he would do. A lot of things were making more sense to Jaskier now that he was seeing Geralt express himself. 

The grunts, for example, were less of a disinterested placation and more of a way to respond without showing his hand. And now that he had no cards to hide, Geralt's grunts and sideways looks were few and far between. They’d been replaced with soft smiles and little murmurs of ‘you’re cute’ and ‘your eyes are very pretty in the morning’. 

Jaskier was constantly on his toes, not in a bad way, just - adjusting. Geralt seemed to drop his walls rather quickly, though that might have been because Jaskier started their relationship off with a big ole’ “I love you and would rather die than take another lover if it upset you.” Surprisingly, Jaskier was having a hard time keeping up. It wasn’t that he didn’t enjoy it, he just wasn’t prepared to be the one knocked on their ass from a nonchalant compliment. 

He started to loosen up a month or so in. Making jokes again, doting on Geralt in turn, and becoming just as comfortable with their newfound openness. 

Though it wasn’t long before he put his foot in his mouth. They were taking a bath together when he did, Geralt leaning back against his chest as they shared stories of sneaking out in their youth.

“...and then my mother, had the gal to tell me she just ‘wanted the best’ for me. As if putting a seven year old under house arrest for wanting sweets is in any way good for a child? Sometimes I envy you, dear. My mother was a terrible woman. I think I’d have been better off without her. I know my father would have.” 

Geralt had stopped scrubbing at the gunk on his arm and frowned at the wall. 

Jaskier felt his stomach drop as soon as Geralt’s muscles tensed. 

“No you don’t,” he murmured.

“I-” He almost started defending his position, which he had grounds to. His mother was a tyrant and a narcissist who bent everyone to her will and slandered those who wouldn’t bow until they fled. But he knew what he’d said. Geralt had never outright said he missed the good parts of his mother, but Jaskier heard it in all the little bits of stories he had dropped over the years. How he’d wonder what his mother would have thought of what he’d become, who he loved, the causes he’d fought for. Jaskier was all too aware he’d fucked up as he lightly rested his hands over Geralt’s hips, “Darling I didn’t mean it…”

Geralt rocked forward and stood abruptly, water making a sickening slapping sound when it hit the floor as he quickly stepped out, “You had someone to protect you. Even if she was wrong, she still fed you and kept you safe.”

“Protect me?” Jaskier knew he should shut up, a voice in his head was begging him to, but alas, he couldn’t have stopped if he wanted to, “She did what she had to to keep up appearances. Don’t think for a second she protected me.”

Geralt glared at him as he toweled off, “She kept you.”

“Until I no longer worshiped her! I was out on my ass at sixteen for questioning her at the family dinner table!”

Geralt pursed his lips and set his face in a stony mask of indifference, “Okay.”

“Okay?” Jaskier felt a chill, even in the hot bath, at the look on Geralt’s face.

He simply shrugged and dressed for bed, leaving Jaskier to marinade in his stupidity. 

Of course Geralt would see having any type of mother as idyllic compared to his childhood. But there was still a righteous anger burning in Jaskier’s gut as he crossed his arms and sunk into the water up to his nose. Just because it hadn’t been as bad as Geralt’s childhood didn’t mean the things Jaskier had to grapple with were fading any faster. The fact didn’t suddenly absolve Jaskier of the baggage he carried, nor mend his broken relationship. And logically, it wasn’t meant to, but Jaskier was having a hard time seeing anything but red. 

When he got out and went to bed, Geralt was already asleep, or pretending to sleep. Either way Jaskier was too angry to call his bluff and settled down to sleep without nuzzling into his chest. 

In the morning, Geralt was already up and packing, only humming in response when Jaskier said good morning. Jaskier tried to make light conversation, to loosen Geralt up even a little, but it was met with grunts and silence. 

If he’d thought the newfound praise and range of facial expressions were a surprise, this was whiplash. It was like being thrown back a decade, when he’d first decided to stick to Geralt like tar, before he would even call Jaskier by name. He did his best to give Geralt space, but he missed their banter and how Geralt had started holding Jaskier’s hand as they walked. Part of him wanted to lay into him, tear him a new one for telling him how to feel about his mother, but another part of him wanted to wrap around him and apologize profusely, both in words and gentle kisses. Even more than either of those, though, was the sinkhole of guilt in his chest over flippantly hitting Geralt right where it hurt most. 

Finally, Jaskier couldn’t take it anymore. 

They were sitting across the fire from each other, Geralt pointedly not looking at him as the sun sank below the trees. 

“Geralt?”

“Hm.”

Jaskier took a slow breath before he continued, having told himself all day to keep his head on straight when he said his piece, “It’s not okay.”

Geralt just frowned at him. 

“It’s not okay for me to treat something that hurt you so lightly,” he clarified, catching the slight upward twitch of his lover’s brow, “I don’t need to be thankful for someone who hurt me, either. But, I reacted poorly. I’m sorry for snapping. And upsetting you.”

Geralt set another branch into the fire, his eyes narrowed as he thought, “I didn’t… hm…” he frowned and chewed at his chapped lips as he pieced his words together, “I didn’t think she hurt you. I thought you were… griping about a strict rule.”

Jaskier breathed a sigh of relief at getting full sentence responses, “To be fair, I was. And putting my foot in my mouth.” 

The corner of Geralt’s lips twitched up as he shook his head, “I’m sorry I shut down.”

“All’s forgiven,” Jaskier smiled, “I’m sorry I-”

“I know. Come here.” Geralt interrupted, holding a hand out to Jaskier as if to hold it over the fire. Jaskier took up residence across his lap instead, wrapping an arm around Geralt’s neck and laying his cheek on his shoulder, pressing his other palm to Geralt’s chest. Geralt held him securely in place and pressed a kiss to his forehead as he gently swayed, setting a soothing rhythm. 

“I missed you today,” Jaskier whispered, not wanting to break the spell of calm over their little campsite. 

“Don’t worry, I still thought you were cute.” Geralt chuckled, the low rumble under Jaskier’s palm soothing what was left of his worry. 

“Oh good!” Jaskier chirped, loading his words with an extra helping of sarcasm, “Now I’ve had a taste of your honey-sweet words, I might never be able to live without them!”

Geralt cracked a grin as he ran a hand through Jaskier’s silky, fine hair, “We can’t have that.”

“Of course not,” Jaskier giggled, more from the giddy feeling of a lifted weight from his chest than their banter as he lifted his head to look down at Geralt.

The witcher pulled him in for a soft kiss, after all, Geralt was still Geralt. Actions would always come easier than words for him. 

“I love you.” he sighed as their lips parted, only pulling away far enough to get a breath.

“I love you, too.” Jaskier grinned into the next kiss, holding Geralt close for the rest of the night. 

[kaustic]

I understand everything youre saying and feeling, even the anger when i see people moved on. The dash should still be full of him, paragraphs and fanart and poems, yet it's just gone back to normal. And yeah i do understand that some people need *that* but i still... i dunno it feels wrong. His videos are bittersweet, and it hurts to hear his laugh because he will never get the chance to laugh again. And i sometimes feel like im the only one struggling this much with it, seeing so many people stopped even mentioning him and everyone is back to their normal posting. My cousin is 23, and i cant even imagine if she died because she is so young, and i cant even imagine what his family is going through, it must be the most unbearable thing ever. Im also still crying everyday, and not just a few tears but full on sobbing, usually more than once. I hate to hear people laugh at stupid things because how can you laugh when the world isnt as bright anymore? How can you keep being happy while the one who kept me happy is gone? It hurts a lot and it really feels like people already moved on. I hate the way life works.

Before I get into I just wanna say that anyone reading this should in no way feel guilty for posting as you normally would. You do what is best for you <3. The anger described is not a critique on individuals, but instead is an unhappiness that life continues on even after great loss.

yeah the anger part of it has been rough because you Know you shouldn’t be mad at other people but then you can’t help it. But then its not that you’re mad at individual people, its that you’re angry that the world keeps moving.

i think one of the hardest things to deal with when you lose someone is people going about as usual. I’ve been mostly offline since the news but seeing people post about things that aren’t him makes me feel sick. And not in a “you should be posting about him and you’re messed up for not doing so” but more of a “oh… this is the new normal isn’t it?”. I think that’s where a lot of that anger comes from (at least for me). The more normal things that you see people do, the more and more it really sinks in that this is the reality that we will be dealing with from now on. Logically you know people haven’t moved on and, even if they’re posting normally, grieving is still happening behind the scenes. And then you feel bad for feeling angry because people cope in whatever way is best for them and should not feel obligated to continue posting about him. But then the normalcy is a brutal reminder of what we’ve lost and how this is the new normal.

And for me that anger also comes from that loneliness that you described, feeling like you’re the only one still struggling. When you grieve someone you love, you usually have a chance at the funeral or spending time with family before hand where you can be around those who loved them as well. Humans aren’t meant to deal with grief alone and this whole thing, I’ve found, has been extremely isolating. We don’t get to attend a funeral or spend time with those who loved him in person. Sure, we know that there are others grieving but our brains don’t process it properly because its not face to face. Most of us are alone in our rooms dealing with this, which is why it’s hit me especially hard.

I’m sorry it’s also hitting you really hard, Percy. I hope you’re able to find brief moments of peace where you can enjoy things without guilt and give your brain a break from the intense emotions. <3333