#like thinking about this feels like it fundamental changed something in me
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YESSSSSSSS YES YES GOD. OH MY GODDDDDD. RIPPING MY SHIRT OFF LIKE THE HULK. YOU GET IT OP. I LOVE PLATONIC RELATIONSHIPS (Says the aroace guy . Like okay fork found in kitchen cmon now)
No cuz LISTEN. romance and attraction is something that is constantly front in center in society as a wholeâŠ.its a lot more understood than friendship or familial relationships. so it probably makes SENSE to hugo at least in concept.
Attraction is understood by a lot of people as like a biological instinct (And obviously its more complex than that but thats the most Basic idea thats been held for most of history i think). And hugos definitely been Attracted to people before. I think he kind of just sees it as a nuisance tbh. He just tries to gaslight himself into pretending it isnt there.
But platonic loveâŠ.you dont have that physical reaction yknow??? I mean ive had what i can describe as platonic âcrushesâ before but itâs differentâŠ.It could be different for other people ofc but in my experience platonic love kind of sneaks up on you. You might not even really notice its there. One day youâll just be looking at someone and youâre like, âoh yeah. This one. Theyre the one. Theyre safe.â
They affect you in little ways. like influencing the way you think or the way you speak and you dont notice until someone points it out. Youâll pick up on words they use and everyday things will make you think of them. ITS JUST. GAH!!! I LOVE PLATONIC LOVE!!
I think platonic love is SUCH an important part of hugoâs general role in the story because likeâŠ.This isnt his first rodeo remember? Hes done jobs for donella before. Hes probably crushed on a few people before. Maybe even people hes worked with. But clearly its never affected his performance before. none of these crushes have Permanently rewired his brain and this perspective he has of the world.
The reason team radical has such an impact on him is NOT just bc sheâs gay for varian. Itâs bc ALL OF THEM are the first people who have just Genuinely cared about her, with no ulterior motives, no strings attached, no romantic connotations, no nothing. Theyre the first people sheâs actually connected with and felt like she could be herself around. and theyâre the first to actually able to counter these mindsets that are so Natural to her- these mindsets that itâs every man for himself, that relationships are all temporary, and that sheâs not fundamentally deserving of love. Varian, nuru and yong showed hugo a new perspective on life. ALL OF THEM DID!! NOT JUST VARIAN!!!
Its why platonic varigo is genuinely so important to me and one of the reasons i think varigo are the âbest friends first/lovers secondâ kind of couple. its also why i dont really like them having chemistry like right off the bat. Because likeâŠThem being friends first is the only reason their relationship as it is is even possible. Neither of them really had friends their age before and thats Why they really connect.
if it wasnât for varian justâŠbeing a good friend, and him, nuru and yong all collectively showing hugo this new outlook on lifeâŠ.team radical would have just been another means to an end. Sure maybe hugo wouldâve had a little crush on varian or found him attractive, but it wouldnât have made him like, quit his whole job. He wouldâve just done the work and moved on with his life. he wouldnât have FALLEN IN LOVE like he did. Love and attraction are two different things and hugo didnt just have a crush on varian, he fell in love with him. and he fell in love (platonically, of course) with yong and nuru too.
THATS what changed him!!! Genuine human connection and love!!! It had nothing to do with romance!!! And i feel like people just tend to focus on the yaoi or whatever when likeâŠIt means nothing if we arenât seeing hugo form these bonds with the group as a whole and watching his outlook change as a result! without the core feature of genuine human connection and friendship the yaoi wouldnât even EXIST!!! đđđ
I especially need more library/betrayal scenes with the whole group bc it genuinely makes me so mad when theyâre Just about varigo and nuru and yong are just. Left behind? NOBODY EVER WRITES NURU AND YONG REACTING TO THE BETRAYALâŠ..NOBODY WRITES THEM HELPING HUGO WHEN VARIAN GETS POSSESSED. THEYâRE JUST. LEFT BEHIND AND THEN THEY SHOW UP AT THE END WHEN THEY HAVE THEIR GROUP HUG OR WHATEVERâŠ.SOMETIMES NOT EVEN THAT!!!
IT BREAKS MY HEART BECAUSE THEYâRE NOT JUST SIDE PIECES TO VARIGO!!! đđđ GAHHH. I NEED MORE TEAM RADICAL JUST ALL BEING BEST FRIENDS AND LOVING EACH OTHER!!!!! I NEED YONG AND NURU TO PLAY A PART IN THESE MAJOR PLOT POINTS TOO!!!!
I feel like we don't talk about how Hugo would be weirded out by the concept of having friends enough. Like we all pretty much agree that Donella, while maybe not being outright abusive, was at least not an amazing parent figure and made Hugo live a life that wasn't super healthy. But I haven't really seen anyone talk about how he probably has never felt platonic love.
I like the idea that it wasn't Varian that convinced Hugo to leave Donella, it was Nuru and Yong.
Hugo would have at least had a crush before, if not an actual relationship, he's aware that liking someone made you want to do stupid stuff, like quit your job, abandon your mother figure, and live with them for the rest of your life, but wanting to do that sort of stuff for someone you have no attraction to whatsoever? Huh?
I just love the idea that while Varian was a huge part in changing Hugo, it took friendship with no hint of romantic connotations to finally win Hugo over.
#pansy rambling again#hugo rottewange#vat7k hugo#varian and the 7 kingdoms#varian and the seven kingdoms#vat7k yong#vat7k nuru#team radical#varigo#varian
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Rio's Favorite Person
âWhat if I stopped killing witches?â
âAre you going to?â
âNo, of course not. But pretend. What if?â
âAll right, Iâm pretending. âŠI would be sad?"
âIs that all?â
âProbably more, um. Excitable?â
ââŠNot really what I meant, but good to know. Also, terrifying.â
âAgatha, are you asking if Iâm only in love with you because you kill people?â
âWell. I assume it is a big part of the appealââ
âHeh. I do like when you are insecure, beloved, itâs cute. Agatha Harkness, you are mine and I am yours, for all eternity. Nothing changes that.â
âWow. Somehow both condescending and creepy. You really wouldnât mind?â
âI would mind. I would be sad. I would sulk. I would do so right here, next to you, where I belong.â
ââŠYouâre really overdoing it today.â
âI was trying for reassuring?â
âWho said I was even worried.â
âAgatha, do you know you are my favorite person in the world?â
âBut why?â
âI was just asking myself the same question.â
ââŠâ
âThere, beloved! You do have feelings after all.â
ââŠmm.â
ââŠAgatha?â
âHmm?â
ââŠDonât get upset.â
âItâs fine.â
âAgatha, I didnât mean that. I was only trying toââ
âHurt my feelings? I know.â
ââŠYou do it to me.â
âI do. You deserve to get some of your own back.â
ââŠIâŠIâm sorry, all right?â
âHah! I knew you couldnât hold out!â
"âŠâ
âGoddess, you're terrible atâokay, okay, let's calm down, there's no need for this many vines.â
âThat remains to be seen. Say something nice, Ags. Quickly."
"Right. âŠYou know all that stuff you said before, about me not having to kill people? IâŠum. It wasâŠI liked it. Really.â
"âŠYou said it was condescending and creepy."
"It was. But it was also reassuring."
"Oh. âŠcuteâŠ"
"âŠI'm going to pretend I didn't hear that last part, okay?"
"I do mean it, you know. ButâŠ"
"Also don't stop killing people?"
"âŠIt is very nice."
"Anything for you, my sweet."
"And for your own pursuit of power, of course."
"Of course. I am fundamentally selfish and unfeeling, after all."
"âŠI didn't say that."
"Today."
"Come here, beloved."
"Wait, why? Why vines?! I thought we were past vines!"
"Because you're going to try to get away if I tell you all the reasons you're wonderful. This way, you can't escape."
"You really, really, really don't have to do that."
"I do. I hurt your feelings. I want to make it up to you."
"No, no, you didn't, I promise I was only being manipulative, I swear!"
"You are a beautiful once-in-a-generation witch..."
Sometime much, much later
"âŠFine. You win this one."
"I wasn't aware we were competing?"
"I mean, I won't pretend my feelings are hurt again."
"Heh. Pretend."
"...you really do spend a lot of time thinking about me, huh?"
"Yes, Agatha. I really do."
"Creepy. ...Don't stop, though."
"No, beloved. Never."
#agatha all along#agatha x rio#agathario#Rio is number 1 Agatha fan#She expresses things in her own way though#Idk about the title here
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What would have made the Veilguard companions more compelling?
I keep wracking my brain trying to determine how the marketing of this game was so focused on the companions, their rich lives outside of the narrative, and the journeys that they go on when I think that they are objectively the worst written companions to date. Not to say that their appearances arenât well designed or that they donât have really fun and cute moments, but they are simply less three-dimensional than previous companions. Fundamentally, my biggest grievance with the Veilguard companions is that I just donât find any of them nuanced or interesting. They are all good people, but they are not good or believable characters that fit this plot and interact with it in meaningful ways.
I have never been one of those people that ignore canon, but I have been perseverating on the missed potential of this highly anticipated game that weâve waited ten years for. So, I wanted to criticize some of these characters and explore some changes that mightâve made for a more compelling group of characters had they been written differently, but (hopefully) respecting the vision of who the characters are at their core because I do think that the skeleton of something great is here.
Disclaimer because this is long and critical: There are a lot of spoilers below. I havenât read all of the Dragon Age books and I could be missing things, but I also think that the game and the charactersâ journeys should speak for themselves as we go through the story. I also get that these are just my opinions, Iâm a STEM girlie by trade and a creative on the side! Not everything I suggest may be great or realistic for building a plot or realistic for writing the script of a videogame. I also donât mind conversations about these characters! I think that would be fun, I just donât want to be shat on for being very disappointed in this game when itâs been my favorite video game series for half my life and I went in very hyped and willing to excuse a lot!
Alright, if youâre still with me, buckle up!
First, before I outline the specific changes I would make to each character, I want to address that there are just flaws with the way BioWare decided to handle companions as a whole in this game. I want to mention them now because they impact nearly every character and I donât become repetitive:
1. Most importantly, the approval system is pointless and probably could be left out of this game for all it means to the narrative. It is nearly impossible to wrack up disapproval for the companions and you increase approval and bond by just taking companions out and completing a quest. If the companions like nearly everything that Rook does, then it means that they donât care enough about anything to have strong rigid opinions (which is good for a well-written character). If companions donât have an opportunity for meaningful agreements or disagreements, it means that the writing is not what people expect of a Dragon Age game based on every single installment weâve had so far. It is one of the few things that have stayed the same in all of the past games and one of the things that I think fans are really upset about and should have been nonnegotiable.
2. All of the factions (except for maybe the Grey Wardens) really just needed to be messier and more complicated. Not all of the factions were meant to be heroic throughout the series. As others have commented, the Lords of Fortune and the Antivan Crows are the most glaring examples of this. However, I think that the Mournwatch and Veiljumpers are not exempt from this either. The factions serve as crucial parts of our companionâs backstory and by sanitizing them, we are wiping key opportunities for character development. For example, it could be way more interesting to have a character who fundamentally disagrees with their faction, but doesnât know how to escape it. Or, what about a character who loves their faction and makes us feel conflicted about them because of their willingness to explain away the factionâs history? I could write (another) essay on this, so Iâll leave this point here.
3. We simply needed to have more conversations with all of the companions. All we have are these short, uninteresting cutscenes to learn about the companions. The player should be able to go up to the companions and ask them about the history of their faction, who they trust and care about in their faction (and why), their past, and their opinions about new information (on other companions, side quests, and plot points). None of these even need a cutscene, just voice acting. It would also help players feel more connected to the companions.
4. There needed to be more visible personal and interpersonal conflict. The companions read like coworkers to me. They mostly like each other and, even if they do have disagreements, they are never explored in the narrative. They donât seem to have any hugely conflicting viewpoints on any topic and, even if they do, they are benign. For example, what to pack for a camping trip or not wanting to talk about a particular topic (dragons vs. spirits) can be interesting in addition to more complex banter but the banter just feels inappropriate and irrelevant for the plot of this game. Overall, the companions rarely make a fit about anything. It feels like the writers didnât want any character to appear problematic, but they made them flat because none of them seem to have a hill to die on except that they should save the world. This might have been fine in a game series that didnât focus so heavily on companions and the way that ethics are shaped by personal experience, but this is not that imaginary game series.
5. The companion quests should have focused more on worldbuilding and getting to know the characters. I have little to say about this other than that the quests for Harding to try out her powers, training Assan with Davrin, shopping with Lucanis, and lighting candles with Emmrich, etc. were lazy, uncreative filler. I really cannot put it any other way. They should have all had quests that better explored their faction and, by extension, them. We barely learn anything in those quests and they are time wasters. Those are the scenes that should have been converted to a codex entry, not some of the important lore drops that we currently have in the codex.
6. Rook chooses one option of a binary for every companion towards the end of their personal quests. Iâm okay with some of these, I think that it made sense for Bellara and Davrin to ask Rook what to do in their personal quests because it felt more natural. A friend asking a friend for their input. On the other hand, some of these are really inconsequential, semantic, and mindset related (Neve) and others are such personal choices that it feels inappropriate for Rook to be involved (Emmrich and Lucanis). In a lot of these cases, it would have made more sense to have dialogue options sprinkled throughout the game that influenced companions to make their ultimate choices. Giving Rook so much power in these decisions makes the companions feel one-dimensional because it strips them of agency that any believable character would want. Even if they wanted Rook to make these decisions, companions should have felt more strongly towards the options and either praised or disparaged Rook for their decision.
7. Finally, I found all of the romances very lackluster. I was never someone who considered Dragon Age games glorified dating sims (I actually really donât like that take, even if it's all jokes), but I found myself missing the depth of relationships in previous games. All the relationships felt too new and shallow. Largely, I think this is due to points 3 and 4, but also due to a lack of reactivity with your companions. For example, companions barely acknowledge you getting them a gift or flirting. This could have also been helped by a few extra cutscenes with the companions.
That mostly covers the overarching issues that apply to all characters. Some of these things might come back in my individual discussions of the characters if it is particularly bad.
If youâre still with me, here are my thoughts on each companion and/or what I think would have made them more interesting:
Bellara
I came to like Bellara much more than I anticipated from the trailers and marketing. However, she is really emblematic of how the writers didnât want problematic characters. There is nothing in the game that would cause people to accuse her of being problematic, but despite being an elf (a historically oppressed and enslaved group), she is so quick to apologize for the actions of ancient elves who oppressed her ancestors thousands of years ago which is ridiculous and solves nothing. It also really seems like the writers wanted her flaw or quirkiness to be some kind of neurodivergence and nerdiness and that alone doesnât make a compelling character. I actually think it would be interesting if Bellara was, if not pro-Solas, pro-hearing him out because his intentions were in the interest of the elven people even though he made some shitty decisions. I think she would want to be interested in what Solas knew about the ancient elves and what their society looked like before the Veil. I think sheâd want to know as much as she could about the technology. I think it would be interesting if she guiltily admitted to wondering what the world would look like if the Veil came down. How different would it really be to what theyâre already experiencing? Could they not mitigate the problems? I think this would be an excellent point of tension between Bellara and Davrin (who is Dalish but might not understand her curiosity in the face of the blight) or Harding (whose people were so impacted by Solas and Mythalâs actions⊠more on Harding later).
Davrin
Davrin is actually my favorite companions in this game, but I still wanted more from him. I think it would be really interesting if, when the team is gathered around after Weisshaupt that Davrin really pushed back against the idea of sorting out their personal shit before progressing. Heâs a grey warden who, in his estimation, just failed his one purpose. I think that this would cause a bit of tension between him and some other characters, like maybe Taash whose concerns are more personal than anyone else's at the time. He is serious and straightforward, so I donât think itâd be out of character and it would make their friendship and training montage more satisfying later on if they had to move on from it. I would also expand on the fact that he was disappointed to not die when he killed one of the archdemons? It was touched on so briefly and he seems to emotionally resolve it in a few dialogue lines which I think is crazy, even considering that he wants to live to save the griffons and raise Assan. A âblow upâ about how the team needs to put their personal affairs aside while struggling to keep his own personal affairs together would introduce a little more depth to his plot line and expand on one of the more interesting things about him that we barely got any time with.
Harding
Harding was one of the most boring characters to me in this game because she felt so flat and there were so many ways to make her more interesting. Her character isnât helped by the Varric twist because the narrative requires that she doesnât grieve except for one scene despite knowing Varric for at least a decade. Personally, I think that changing her reaction if/when she finds out what Solas and Mythal did to the Titans and her people would make her more well-rounded and believable. From that point on, Harding should be anti-Solas and you should lose approval with her every time you entertain the idea of trusting him. Maybe she could even express disappointment/frustration/sadness for an Inquisitor who believes Solas can be saved or speak of them more highly if they think that he is irredeemable. Also, we shouldâve spent more time with her and the dwarven people. I think Veilguard was such a rushed and half-baked attempt at wrapping up that storyline. We learned so much about the dwarves in the last two games and we get to spend so little time with them.
Taash
Interestingly, I think Taash is one of the few companions with really obvious flaws. They are childish and impatient, but theyâre poorly written and their flaws are never acknowledged or treated as flaws by the narrative. In my playthrough, their relationship with Harding might have been an interesting place to explore and address that childishness. It was also a missed opportunity for them to explore Qunari and Rivaini culture. As other people have commented, the binary choice between being Rivaini or Qunari is odd in tandem with Taashâs journey of self-discovery and identity. I think that choice shouldnât exist and should be encouraged by dialogue options peppered throughout their larger quest. We were so close to exploring the rift that can form in families between first generation children and immigrant parents (and learning more about Rivain and the Qun by extension) when there is love but a fundamental difference in culture and lived experience. Instead, I feel like the narrative never gave us a chance to really hear Shathann out before her death, but Iâll give the writers a break because I think that they were going for tragedy and unresolved conflict and I don't know if I trust them to make that a conversation that fits the world and isn't anachronistic.
Emmrich
The thing that bothered me most about the Emmrich storyline was the final choice between Emmrich becoming a lich and bringing back Manfred. This is another choice that Rook should have influenced rather than choose outright. The number of times that you asked probing questions or commented on Emmrichâs desire to become a lich through more conversations about Emmrichâs fear of death and relationship with Manfred should have determined his final decision. Personally, it felt inappropriate for Rook to make that decision directly for him, no matter how much the game tried to justify it. I would have also liked to see his fear of death impact him more throughout his quest line and the narrative. The final quests are literally a suicide mission and he should have had more dialogue regarding it.
Neve
Iâm going to admit that Neve was hardened in my playthrough and I havenât explored her character in playthroughs where you save Dock Town, so this section might not be applicable to half of you. I didnât understand a lot of Neveâs motivation behind her actions. I didnât understand why she felt so passionately about her city or her jobs. Her drive felt hollow to me, making her personal quests feel generic. When I got to Neveâs quest where we gathered clues near the water in Dock Town, I was excited to finally learn anything about her, but it was devoid of any meaningful backstory. I would have written the quest to better explore Neveâs past, motivations, and personal relationships. The other big thing that stands out is that Neve is a noir detective and the VA has clearly gotten direction to sound like one, but her story is so devoid of mystery, intrigue, and many of themes that would make that more than aesthetic. And, like, isnât her whole faction about freeing slaves? Why not make her personal quest more closely tied to that?
Lucanis
Lucanisâ personal quests are so tied to the dynamics of his faction, so I think a lot could have been solved by making the Crows more morally grey. I think Teia and Viago could have stayed the same, but we should have seen more negative interactions between him and the rest of the Crows. Outside of Illario, Catarina would have been an exceptional vessel to explore the problems within the Crows and a theme like generational trauma or exploitation. The party banter between him and Davrin criticizing each other's factions could have been an excellent space to talk about the negative aspects of the Crows and how Lucanisâ feels about them, either defend some misdeeds or express how he feels conflicted about his past contracts. In my game (when you save Treviso), Spite also felt more like a mildly important accessory in Lucanisâ plot than a significant problem. Few characters had anything significant to say about Spite and he caused few problems. I actually thought Spite was fun for most of the game, but he needed to be more problematic because he gave the impression that he was included more to build an aesthetic for Lucanis than a character-defining plot point. Finally, I think Rook deciding what to do with Illario was a poor decision. I would have written this as a decision Lucanis makes on his own based on how Rook encourages him to deal with Spite through a more fleshed out character arc.
This pretty much summarizes my thoughts on all of the companions. As you can tell, I am very Normal about this game.
I wanted to like these characters so much and they have an unbelievable amount of potential. They are all so fascinating in concept and all of them are poorly executed either due to the relationship building mechanics of the game, because of the writing and dialogue, or a mixture of both. That said, there are brief moments when I like them and I get glimpses of what they couldâve been.
I just hope the characters are better explored in future games (if we get one).
#here is my silly little essay critiquing the veilguard companions and what i think would make them more compelling#this is very Normal behavior#dragon age: veilguard#veilguard critical#dragon age critical#bioware critical#datv critical#dragon age
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and tattoo #2, on the inside front of my bicep (photo angle was awkward). i. yknow. part of me feels like i have to justify myself here, explain my reasoning, but i don't think i do, actually.
#isat spoilers#in stars and time#i will do a little bit of explaining in the tags here#i can feel the difference between 'i'm obsessed with this purely because hyperfixation brain chemicals good'#and 'i'm obsessed with this bc it has changed me on a fundamental level'#like. i've put 3k hours into ark and never once considered an ark tattoo.#i know if i had ever gotten an xiv tattoo i'd still love it despite not playing anymore.#the fact that i've had this exact idea on my mind for the last month continuously is enough justification for me#it's a reminder to. be a little kinder to myself. give myself some grace for Fucking Up. and to ask for some goddamn help once in awhile.#to be less terrified of what people will think of me if i do something strange or different. idk.#thoughts that i know will stick with me for a long long time.#ANYWAY HAHA TIMELOOP GAME TATTOO GO WEEEEEEEEE#thank you to that one post about having a right to do what you want with your body as much as your future self does#extremely reassuring
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and another thing about qijiu is like -
anytime shen (jiu) qingqiu gets into an "altercation" its like:
yqy, thinking: what happened? i need to know from him what happened so i can protect him from the consequences, no matter what it was and no matter how much he might be blamed. and what would have happened if i wasn't there to do so? before, he paid the price for things that were my fault, and last time i left him- (guilt spiral, etc.)
yqy aloud: what did you do?
shen jiu, hearing this, thinking: he thinks i'd do that? how low is his opinion of me really? does he truly think there are no depths to which i wouldn't sink? and i thought it couldn't be lower. so quick to blame me and ignore anyone else's part in this. so quick to distance himself from his sordid past.
shen jiu, aloud: i'm sure it makes no difference to you.
choose your fighter: yqy's unconditional devotion and inability to communicate vs. shen jiu's self-loathing making him interpret it as disinterest and blame (and also his inability to communicate)
#svsss#shen jiu#yue qingyuan#qijiu#and the worst (best) part of this all is that if they could actually have a conversation where they communicate this#shen jiu would probably be really into the unconditional devotion thing#for someone who feels so isolated and unloved#to be told no matter how deep a hole he finds himself in or how he got there yqy will still care is like. a fundamental change in worldview#(though i think sj's self-loathing might first lead him to think that there SHOULD be conditions to caring about him)#(which ofc leads to more 79 conflict)#and weve also seen that generally if sj orders him to not do something yqy follows that directive#so this could work out so well#BUT because 79 is 79 this is basically impossible#if they actually had a conversation about this it would be more like#yqy: i want to know from qingqiu what happened.#sj: so you think i'm the kind of person that would do all of this? is your opinion of me that low?#yqy: no! what shidi has done doesn't matter#sj: it doesn't matter? i see.#sj: sect leader must act as censure for the entire sect. perhaps he might speak to the other involved party next time.#yqy: ...this one has failed you.#and then sj leaves the conversation thinking yqy's a liar and a hypocrite#and yqy leaves subsumed in even more guilt#and then when yqy changes his behavior and doesnt ask/blame sj immediately after an incident#sj is like: oh. he doesn't care? he's given up? he's really distancing himself now.#[rattles the bars of my cage] 79 MAKE ME INSANE#miscommunication as the basis for conflict can be annoying but 79 does it perfectly#as the miscommunication is based on differing inherent ways of understanding/interacting with others#and can absolutely not be solved in a single conversation#anyways sorry for the tags being longer than the actual post
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If Ulysses has a million haters, then I'm one of them. If Ulysses has one hater, then I'm THAT ONE. If Ulysses has no haters, that means I'm dead. If the world is with Ulysses than Iâm against the world.
#this is slightly joking but like also not but also like am mixed on Ulysses on many factors#infuriating because i sympathize with his pain but itâs like#he is a well written and fundamentally flawed character whose hypocrisy I found doubly in#black characters I can tell were designed by white people with a semblance of an understanding of activism and bipoc oppression#but not enough for the character to not feel like hand holding for the majority white audience#plus personal grips with the whole twisted hairs thing and reference to slave braiding patterns#Ulysses irks me as a black person on a weird personal level and I can go into debt on why him being black is a big detractor for him to me#like he continues this cycle of distancing himself from his roots before remembering over and over again through his actions#he leave so much in his wake that the courier ends up correcting or helping like in honest hearts and old world blues because heâs self#righteous in a subtle way even to himself that he believes he stand out of his one man rule when he does not play an active hand#saw a post talk about how you choose to continue moving through his story and can leave at any moment and this it is partially your fault#but what of the oath that is set before you and is forced to take that he set up#I do not have to walk it but when I do the steps are not my own but those taken for me#you have to go out of your way to change it which is not something he expects because heâs playing by a story heâs been perpetuating in his#head about you two and the effect one man has when heâs continually been that one man more so than you as many of his actions directly lead#to the one you go through also the irony in the flag he continues to bear being the real reason he has no home#like he reps it when the package is likely enclave and thus use the same symbol#also still canât get over how anyone could have delivered the package and he tries so hard to act like it was the couriers destiny or fate#when this was the one case of chance and that once man was likely a enclave engineer and how itâs really is never one man#it the process and heâs so annoying about it like heâs a cool character but if you donât believe in his philosophy or already went through#these ideas cause they are very common talking points in poc especially BIPOC spaces heâs just old hashings and stunted#fallout#fallout new vegas#Ulysses you upset me but Iâm like I feel you could be better if you werenât so incessant#I donât think I ever want to make a serious post stating this about him just because Iâd start yapping and itâd never get finished#ulysses fnv#fnv ulysses#lonesome road
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btw toddâs reluctance to join the dps because he doesnât want to read (which is then accommodated for) and is scared to put himself out there (which is also worked through) being read as todd not wanting to go AT ALL, and thus neil making the proper accommodations (âtodd anderson, who prefers not to read, will keep the minutes of the meetingsâ) and encouraging him to step out of the box that stifles him being seen as âforcefulâ or like he canât take no for an answer makes me insane with rage
#and him trying to stop neil from asking if todd not reading at the meetings is okay isnât him wanting not to go#its him not wanting neil to ask because (as someone with social anxiety) itâs EMBARRASSING ASF for someone to ask for things on your behalf#literally just think about it as the meme of âwhen i tell my friend im hungry and he tells his mom that *i* want food instead of both of usâ#and the whole âneil not knowing how to take no for an answerâ thingâŠâŠ dont get me fucking started#the kid whoâs had to take no for an answer his whole life? the kid whose first proper scene IS him taking no for an answer? are you serious?#being encouraging and accommodating and (admittedly) a little pushy when heâs got his mind set on somethingâ#âis NAWT the same as not being able to take no for an answer or bulldozing through conversations with people#he and todd DO listen to each other in those conversations theyre just on opposing sidesâ#âbecause their understandings of the world donât fully align at that point in time/the movie#which is totally fucking normal?????? because later on they DO properly align?????????#i feel so crazy about this every time i see someone say todd didnât want to go the dead poets meetings because itâs so obvious he DID#he was just scared#and you know what maybe it IS a little forceful#but given how dedicated todd is to shutting off and hating and isolating himself he NEEDS a little forceful to be broken through to#if no one ever pushed me to do things when i was scared (as irritated as it can make me) iâd never do SHIT dude#and obviously todd is the same way because he ALL BUT OUTRIGHT SAYS AS MUCH#âi appreciate this concern but iâm not like youâ IS about neilâs voice and opinions mattering to people but itâs ALSO aboutâ#âhim being outgoing and trying new things and putting himself out there#WHICH TODD WANTS TO BE ABLE TO DO!!!!!!!!#the moral you take away from todds growth is NOT that he has to change to be accepted because he DOESNT#its that he has to gain the confidence and belief in himself to grow and become the version of himself he WANTS to be#he NEVER changes on a fundamental level to make others happy (although his growth does make others happy) he just opens up more#and i dont know WHY some people think his arc is becoming a completely different person#like yall PLEASE#this isnt even an anderperry thing this is an issue even if you read them completely platonic#i blame the FUCKASS novelizationâŠ. dps book you will always be hated by ME#dps#dead poets society#neil perry#todd anderson
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Man, I really need to do some origin runs.
#bjk talks#the whole origin run thing is just a wild concept to me in general still#i can't think of another game that does them#i told a friend who hasn't played bg3 about it and she was like 'so like if you could play mass effect as garrus???'#it really is kind of an odd thing#but very cool#i can't wait to see what depth it adds to the chars#although i feel like actually playing from inside karlach's head is going to do something to my brain chemistry#it will either fundamentally change me or make me want to cry#maybe both
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Idk why but I feel like this awakened something in me. Public therapy session between me and myself was a success đ
reminder.... bad people aren't worried that they might be a bad person.
Thanks đ„ș
(skfjgh sorry I'm about to rant)
I used to think this a lot to reassure myself but now I think my ideas of what good and bad are have gotten more complex. Like, someone with good intentions can do a lot of harm because they aren't making any effort to reflect on the actual effects of their actions. And some people know they're a bad person but are okay with it. Or some people have bad motives to do good things so does that make them good or bad?
I think I'm just scared of being one of those people. I don't want to be someone who doesn't know or doesn't care how I effect other people and I don't want to be someone that tries not to effect people at all either anymore. I used to try that but it's impossible and it's also not what I want. I exist and I want to help people with that existence. Not to make up for my existence but to actually just help people.
But because of that, I think a lot about this. And I don't always know if it's good for me. I worry a lot because I care a lot but the worrying tends to take over
#like thinking about this feels like it fundamental changed something in me#it made me realize that the way i held my sister accountable when she hurt me wasnt wrong#which is a thing that frequently weighs on me#and it also made me realize that my anxiety isnt doing shit for me. its just hurting me and telling me i still need it#i DON'T need it. thats revolutionary#im starting to believe i am a good person simply because ive been a bad person and accepted it#it feels like this was the logical next step that so many people struggle to take#it gives me hope for myself and for other people#back to the stuff about my sister#i had a lot of conflicting thoughts on what happened between us#because it felt like she saw feeling guilt as a genuine threat. and i think i can somewhat understand that#but where she sought out reassurance i was lying awake in my bed. sitting with the guilt#letting it seep into my bones until i understood it fundamental#until it felt like an overly ambitious teacher but not an enemy#i know the guilt of my actions can't decestate me unless i do something devastating#its like a fire that i lit and its up to me to keep from fanning it too high or letting it go out#it illuminates my surroundings and gives me clarity but as long as my appreciation never turns to carelessness#i think ill be alright. i think ill keep doing bad things but react to them in a good way. i think i can allow that#if it makes me better i think i can allow that
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(one of) the most frustrating parts about the portrayal of drow society is that it wants to create Reverse Sexism without uncoupling itself from some. pretty foundational patriarchal ideas. it ascribes to the (tired, essentialist) notion that men are inherently good at certain things, and women are inherently suited for different things
but rather than the basic subversion of âwomen are warriors and men are the homemakersâ or even early feminist thought experiments like âtraditionally âwomenâs prioritiesâ are given importance over âmenâsâ (ie things are governed by council, importance is placed on childrearing, etc)â, menzoberranzan is âthis society still holds to patriarchal values and women are not as good at these things which is why itâs demonstrably worseâ.
the biggest tell is that they have to control the male population to maintain female dominance, the implication being that in a fair fight, men would easily overpower them. it assumes the misogynist ideas as fact that âwomen are inherently weakerâ and also âwomen are duplicitousâ so the drow fighting style is based on stealth and sabotage rather than ââhonorableââ face- to-face combat (letting lie also the assumption that the only avenue for ambition is through military violence, and therefore still making it so that they are reliant on men, even as disposable shock troops, for their success).
the only things that keep women in charge are by stacking the numbers on a systematic level, and through sexual domination on the individual level (because clearly the only real power a woman can have over men is her sexuality).
it is a society where âmen act like menâ but women donât act like women; it is evil because an act of god created an aberration against the ânatural orderâ of things, and there is no one to tend the hearth (because if the women wonât do it, no one will)
#thereâs just. so much to unpack#call me old fashioned but i think. if youâre trying to subvert something you should first understand how it actually works#now this is also mostly based off of what i read from the first couple drizzt novels and old lore on the wiki so like#itâs possible that theyâve tried to do a spit-polish retcon in 5e#but every time theyâve tried to do that with other things i feel like they also misunderstood the real issue so#either way i donât have a lot of faith that this would have fundamentally changed#itâs probably just something like âyep we acknowledge itâs problematic but thatâs bc lolth is eeeeevil so itâs supposed to be badâ#like iâm gonna be honest. i roll my eyes whenever Any fantasy society spends time codifying gender roles in this kind of way#thereâs plenty of other races that are like âmen are warriors and women are homemakers but both are equally important so itâs not sexist!!!#like theyâre not just reinventing the wheel of victorian Separate Spheres#but what gets me about this one is how clear it feels that no one thought deeply about it#âa matriarchy is when women act like menâ#i have no source for this but it FEELS like it originated as a reactionary response to second wave feminism#âwomen can do the same things men can do?? we should let them in positions of power??#this is what that looks like. checkmate feministsâ#honestly i have learned a lot more about the way men think about women from fantasy bc#it rly shows their asses when youâre ostensibly removed from the world we live in#and the things they place importance on#mine#dnd
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Arcane s2 spoilers
Powder in episode 7 is so unsettling to me. They neurotypicalized my girl. Sheâs in regular girl clothes and has a boyfriend and a stable job and is able to think rationally and also work towards her goals and reach her potentialâŠsheâs no longer #hashtag relatable. That whole arc had me like âput it back!!!!! I need that girl to be fucking insane!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!â
#sillyposting#and shitposting#as soon as they started the Ekko and Powder love story Iâm like come onnnn not my emotional support âIâm not like other girlsâ girl#JOKINGGGGGG kind of#the narrative framing a Jinx free of any neurodivergence as the ideal self she should strive to achieve makes me cringe#like of course they should frame recovery as a good thing#but there idea of a recovered or ânormalâ Jinx seems so far divorced from her character that she may have well been#*their#an entirely different character#I donât know. it feels insidious somehow#I canât explain the gut feeling well but it gives me vibes of autistic masking and the idea thereâs a version of you that is palatable#and good and all you have to do is work endlessly to reach this impossible standard of normality that you will never reach#with the cards you were dealt#itâs just the VIBES I get man#that actually might be the entire point of that section (assuming the writers are competent) but I fear people will walk away from it#thinking omg she could have been so normal without the trauma! and not unpack anything else about it#jinx was right when she said thereâs no world where she can be âgoodâ because thereâs not!!! not in the uncompromising way society#wants her to be!!!!#the moral of the story is that if the narrative would have had her recover (which I wish it would have)#everyone around her would need to come to terms with the fact that she is traumatized and there is no world where she is not fundamentally#changed by that trauma#but she can still work on becoming a better person in spite of it#even if she can never become that idealized non-traumatized girl that she will never be#does this make ANY sense#I will say. At least Vi kinda tried I guess lol#but the Ekko thing I donât know it just!!! hm.#something about itâŠ
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once again sorry to everyone for bringing this to your dashboards. but some of you are like, genuinely delirious. not even in a funny way. & i hope you die. i hope we both die. hand in unlovable hand etc etc
#Just so fucking bizarre to me how people can be Like This. there has to be something so wrong with your brain on a fundamental level#i canât even laugh about this or anything because i genuinely feel pity for these people. itâs so sad to me how youâre gonna be like 20#and then go in a niche tumblr community and create drama over Nothing. over Thin Fucking Air#like do you not have a life? do you not have college? or a job? doesnât it get tiring? donât you ever feel ashamed about all this#and the fact that they go and complain about the shipping and the âfandombrainedâ people as wellâŠ. oh my god#how are you going to be TWENTY. and DO THAT. are you seriously sick. ? do you need help#just say you are homophobic and that you hate kids and go. itâll save everyone a bunch of time for sure#anyways. as someone who has been a rain world fan since 2018. i love you embracing canon. i love you changing canon. i love you disregarding#canon entirely. i love you ships that make sense in canon & that make absolutely zero sense at all. i love you fancharacters that donât#follow canon rules. i love you âcringeâ fancharacters and self inserts. i love you self shipping. i love you oc x canon shipping.#and i love you taking inspiration from designs. i love you community & i love you artists & i love you art#i love you borrowing elements and being inspired and referencing something because you liked it.#are fandoms perfect? GOOD GOD no. is every Fan perfect? no. am i also sometimes annoyed or irrationally pissed off over a ship that#i think is stupid and is illogical. Yes! iâm only human! but i can still love and appreciate the whole CREATIVITY of it all. and the whole#Fun that people are having. i love you having fun. if i donât like it or if anyone else doesnât like it they can just Cope#instead of hateposting about it on main and indirectly bullying people who are most likely children. or lgbt. or both#anyways. please continue doing whatever you want. The world is your oyster and you only live on earth once#everyone else can fuck off
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my mum: you've been doing really good lately. every part of your life is really stable and you seem genuinely happy, it's great to see :)
me, who's felt like ive been going actually crazy bananas insane for months now: yeah haha
#sometimes i forget that 'being in total control of my emotions at all times' isn't just my cringe lore & is actually something im good at#like wdym my MUM said this. girl im experiencing horrors over here!#i got really offended by it? ilke i just smiled at her and agreed but inside i was like HELLOOOOO CAN ANYONE HEAR MEEEE#i just genuinely feel like i am so detached from myself and im entirely manipulative and i micromanage every facet of my personality#and change it day-to-day person-to-person and not in the Normal Human Way but in a crazy insane I Am Manipulating People Way#& it's a CONSCIOUS thing & like. idk who the real me is idk if there is a real me idk if id like her if i saw her idk if im a good person#but i look like im doing fine. i seem really stable and happy atm according to the person who knows me better than anyone#like that's the extent of my control on myself. even my mum cant tell. HUH#idk i feel like im being dramatic bc last week and this week ive definitely been feeling a lot better#and like maybe i was just having some sort of months-long episode but that doesnt negate the fact that while i was IN it no one could tell#not even the closest people to me that see me every day in the same house where im most vulnerable could tell#that's like. worrying surely. maybe. i think. whatever im just saying shit at this point#i always do this tho i go 'i fundamentally base my self-worth on how little i share vulnerability with people#and it's been a constant part of my personality since childhood that i dont talk about my feelings' and then i get SO pissed off#when people dont realise im going through shit. like girl what did you THINK was gonna happen. look inwards#hella goes home
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actually, having a kind of revelatory moment here of if HRT was something i have been considering for this long, but has remained inaccessible to me, then that means i Do actually have opinions about my appearance/presentation, so just because i can't take That Particular step doesn't mean that there aren't plenty of other avenues i could be pursuing (ie, clothing/accessories/etc.) that i just haven't let myself up until this point. like i don't have to shove it All aside just because there's one thing i can't get -- I'd probably still wind up a lot happier if I took those other steps I've spent all these years ignoring
#N posts stuff#like what i mean is; the nearest informed consent clinic is like 80 miles away. theoretically some people could pull that off probably#but i can barely do 5-10 mile drives so that's fundamentally inaccessible. the realization is that IF it was closer#the probability of me actually pursuing that is actually kind of high. not even because i feel a particular NEED for it#hrt is one of those things that for Me is like 'i just think it would be Cool. i don't need it but i might be happier trying it'#BUT one thing i've consistently had problems with is that i Do Not really buy myself clothes because i always get caught up on cost#like 'if i don't really care That Much why should i invest in it' thing. i've been in that rut for most of my life i'd say#complicated by the fact taht i do depend on my mom's advice/help for a Lot of things and we have fundamentally incompatible styles#so not being able to agree on things makes it hard to actually Pursue what i want in these areas#but if leading up to researching clinic options i was both thinking 'i'd spend the money on this' AND 'i'd completely#disregard my mother's opinions on this' in order to pursue it; then since it's inaccessible to me i Should be taking those core convictions#and bringing them to the things i Can change/access and take Those steps instead#to use a wildly different metaphor - the vacation thing of 'wherever you go there You are' -> HRT is the big expensive vacation#but if my clothes are still something i'm not happy with then how much genuine satisfaction would i get out of my appearance after#taking those Big Steps. since the little ones have been left completely in the dust. you know?#no one asked but tumblr is like the only medium i use where i actually go back and look at things from the past#so if i have some kind of revelation about my life it has to go on tumblr if i want to remember it.#(like sure i Could keep journals but actually reading back through them makes me nauseated lmao. so not very helpful in practice)
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It's amazing how quickly you can make someone turn on your company by making a stupid and insulting move
Force me to go through the front door and scan my card when I have backdoor business that never needed a card before (what? ...I was going to somehow... sneak in and... purchase things with a borrowed card? ...which I totally can't do from the front door after scanning it?)
Or like... twitterify your layout right after your users give you a bunch of money just cause they like you, and then refuse to walk it back
...or all the other things companies do that just kinda piss people off and then they refuse to acknowledge maybe it sucks and is stupid cause "hey, the customers didn't leave"... yeah... yet
#legit; as small as it is it gives me a hint at the direction things will head and that costco will get more and more anti consumer#and I'm in minutes going from an 'I love costco; it's how I afford to eat; go get a cheap pizza'#to 'you know costco is kinda frustrating and annoying and I don't trust their ceo... I'm not sure if it's worth your time and money'#like look back and; tumblr search willing; you'll find posts of me singing costco's praises; literal free advertising#cause while it's not right for everyone; man is it so much cheaper than places like walmart#but... I legit don't know if I can recommend it anymore#for one thing; when I signed up I just spotted the members desk; walked in the backdoor up to the desk; and gave them money#now... what? you gotta ask permission? I feel like there's a chilling effect on wanting to join... at least for my socially anxious ass#and again; I just whiff this as like when games companies add DRM that breaks the game... for people who actually pay for it#they're making me suffer a pain in the ass for no reason cause someone might not be giving them money#and now that person never will give them money... and frankly... if they don't pay the membership but spend $500 how much did you lose?#but like I said; I feel it in the air; that costco will start doing more and more anti consumer stuff#...do I think it's a good idea to join up when they're gonna slowly start turning this corner?#I mentioned that quote by the founder about killing them if they raise the price of the hotdog#but... the fact the founder felt the need to say that to begin with told me something#kinda gotten the impression that the ceo is greedy as hell and wants to drain the consumer (so... a normal ceo)#and this just smacks of netflix/disney#oh... did you hear about disney killing someone with a food allergy despite being told about it multiple times like when the dish arrived?#and now disney is trying to forced arbitrate cause they had a disney+ trial in 2019#you hear about that one? cause that's a real news story; I'll find you an article if you don't believe it#anyway; this smacks of cracking down on password sharing to make up for hypothetical lost revenue#and let me tell you... if I could switch to pirating my groceries I would; I would download eggs#so this doesn't change costco fundamentally; but it does make it feel more hostile and like it doesn't trust me#it makes things feel more adversarial instead of like a partnership where they get me good prices on good things and I give money#and I just wouldn't be surprised if they start doing more things I don't like#things that make things worse... things like raising prices to increase their profit#...makes me want to... work on figuring out how to make everything myself since no company is trustworthy#they'll all turn on you in the end; the moment the wrong person takes charge they'll start to metastasis#towards the cancer of infinite profits#not saying don't go to costco... I'm saying don't get attached if you do; I think they're ready to do what every company does these days
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ok time to try to blame someone else instead of me
#being dramatic but idk im also trying to think abt why i am this way#in part to the fact that i inherently view myself as a burden and always have since a child since i could like. comprehend the things my mom#was going through for my life & moving the america etc etc#but like yeah i was basically as independent as couldve been in the PH bc i had multiple ppl who could take me places and take care of me#but in the US it was just my parents and our family and our X amnt of cars#idk i just keep thinking about how much i miss doing anything in my life and how i used to be a dancer a martial artist a potter like#there was so much to me and now because i refuse to learn to drive and get a car i just. am locked out of everything#bc my aspirations cant work out on 1 vehicle in sparse & spread ohio#like idk maybe its the fact that i always was just like im not allowed to have friends im not allowed to go out in the summer#im not allowed to visit friends or extra places or events#never really been independent until i basically ran away and even now im just#only partially independent bc sure i have money and i have my own space but. im dependent on a driver and other ppls schedules and it just#idk i cant not see myself as a burden all i can think of is that im not a good enough woman let alone wife and thats something no one wants#like i barely know how to cook i barely eat i dont clean i barely wash i barely provide like. yeah idk also ever since i had a breakdown#i feel fundamentally just. changed especially about food. and idk i have been asking for others to cook for me more but i still am waiting 4#the next time someone says you can make it yourself and i starve for the next 24 hours#idk dude i literally cannot see myself as not a work of labor. its all mama ever ranted at me about. very verbally very constantly up until#i stopped being difficult with her being the head of the family of like 12#whatever. whatever#im done blaming someone else im gonna eat my words with regret and shame :/
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