#which isn’t gonna change
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internalised ableism sucks every dick in the world. what do you mean not only will random strangers be ableist to me (not even overtly), but my own brain will do the same thing????
#idk just lamenting#shit’s so fucking stupid bruh#i’m very much wedged between mourning the life i could be living and the fact that i probably wouldn��t be living such a life even if i#wasn’t disabled#it’s laughable really#like who do i think i am??#congrats dad your lesbian daughter won’t embarrass you since she won’t date anyone anyways#she won’t get a man she won’t get a woman or anything in between#i will always find a way to ruin everything#genuinely curious why i waste time wanting this when it’s never gonna happen and i should just make peace with it#it’s pathetic otherwise#genuinely don’t feel attractive or worthwhile currently#like yeah yeah my worth isn’t just in my attractiveness#but i don’t feel worthy in other areas either#i neglect my friends#i cant function as a normal human being#my own body constantly betrays me#and even if it didn’t i wouldn’t have anything to offer still#it is just made worse in the situation i find myself in now#which isn’t gonna change#so yeah#i’m not much of a friend to the few i have and genuinely don’t get why they like me#i have been and will continue to be a shit romantic partner#i’m a shitty daughter#just all around shit basically#god whatever i’m being so fucking stupid#ya know what my problem is?#i don’t know what it’s like to not be unbearably lonely#and whatever reprieve i get i spoil#idk delete later
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Can I be mega autistic here and vent for a second and ask if anyone else is lowkey scared for whatever the next RE game is HSBWHDNDJ
#having hyperfixations/special interests combined with a PARALYSING fear of change SUUUUUCKSSS MAAAAANN. IT SUCKS ASS#like realistically I KNOW it’s silly and I KNOW I’ve got nothing to stress over BUT ITS STRESSING ME OUT BAD AND THERES NOTHING I CAN DO#RE4R/Luis has been SUCH a massive comfort of mine and turned into a full blown special interest and I guess the thing I’m most scared of is#the fandom moving on and forgetting abt re4r/luis as a whole which again I KNOW is silly but I can’t control my brain!!!!#and also combined with the fact that Luis probably isn’t coming back to the franchise at least anytime soon is HEARTBREAKING man. like thats#my special interest!! that’s the thing I’ve poured hours of my time into!!!!! I’m scared to see people move on#he’s already a fairly unpopular character in the wider fandom too!! and the fact that the content we do have of him is ALL we’re gonna have?#I dunno that makes me so much more stressed out and anxious than I should be which. again. I KNOOOOOOWW IS SILLY BUT I CANT HELP IT MAN#THE AUTISM!! THE AUTISMMMMM#I dunno I’m expecting Capcom to announce their next game this summer fest and it’s genuinely stressing me out sm which I hate#I hate being so afraid of change it sucks so much man#anyways sorry for the massive vent I just had to get this off my chest cuz it’s been weighing me down massively and making me more anxious#than it has any right to BCNDNENDJXJ#and again the fact that there’s a solid chance we may never see him again at lest not anytime soon is so so so so so devastating to me it#again makes me so much more upset than it has any right to HDNSHENDJDJ#not to mention people who are already weirdly mean and nasty to people who DO like him. I’m Not having a Time rn
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#at some point i just need to accept my brother has essentially taken my dog#and maybe if i accept it ill get over it#im clinging to that dog with my fingernails and as per usual i have to be the eldest daughter#and just let my things be taken#im just. this isn’t worded well. im just. very tired of this.#i do EVERYTHING for that dog—feed him take him to the vet groom him bathe him#and just.#sigh.#ignore me.#delete later#i just still remember the time my dad told me i shouldn’t allow him into my room#so he’d be encouraged to go into my brother’s room#bc my brother was really depressed and refusing to take his antidepressants (which he STILL doesn’t take#THIS MAN IS 33 FUCKING YEARS OLD)#and i wish i had just said something like ‘do you realize how unfair that is to me?’#but ofc he wouldn’t bc im the eldest daughter. and no matter how many times i point out how unfair that is to my parents#nothing changes. it just. im expected to just deal with it.#with shit like my dog—MY. FUCKING. DOG.—becoming my brother’s#as if my mental health doesn’t matter#and listen im on antidepressants and they make a helluva difference#but that dog is mine. my one thing. and now he’s not.#sorry im also probably gonna start my period any day now so im hella fucking emotional#i just miss my dog.
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funniest thing they could do rn is to say that the girl in the fansa scandal isn’t actually hiyori, but just someone with a similar hairstyle
#i mean. y’know. it’s not out of the realm of possibility right? anyone could have short dark hair and bangs…#people can have the same hairstyle. even idols.#if i had a dollar every time i saw an idol with short dark blue hair in the idol series i’d have $3#which isn’t a lot. but there’s like one in every other group (yujiro lxl; yozora apparemanten; riina frusu)#so. like. my point is: ([redacted] anime notwithstanding) that could still be anyone.#it could still be retconned though. like asuka’s existence#plus the fansa scandal was from years ago… before nagisa’s first appearance even. a lot has changed since then#like. they threw out p much the entirety of hiyori’s first solo song. a *whole song* retconned just like that#so… who’s to say that they won’t retcon an unresolved two-off mv image?#this has truly been our honey ‘unsolved’ works#tune in next time for installment 6 of honey 10 works#(it’s never gonna come out is it…)#ummmmm… right. the fansa scandal sure was one of the evidence for yhy shippers huh…#but wellllll. guess we’ll see how the mvs go from here~~~~~~~~~~~
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all of a sudden today everything has kind of just gone silent in my corner of the internet and my friends aren’t on their phones anymore and now im alone
#i am better than i was yesterday but im still just feeling so heavy and bad and like i can’t do anything but think about this#this is gonna stick with me for a long time but i hope by tomorrow i can start moving forward a little more#everything is just quiet now and i have to deal with the very real fact that this happened and nothing can be changed#its a new reality now and im having trouble accepting it#but ill be fine#its just very quiet today as everyone processes this on their own#I know this isn’t true at all but now that it’s quieter i feel like everyone has already moved on and im the last one still in the trenches#that big sense of community we all felt the last two days has already fallen away at least in my corner of the internet#now its just normal… which hurts#anyway. i think ill watch this is us soon for some nostalgia and coping cause i need to grieve a little more#hope everyone is doing okay today#one direction#liam payne
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SOOO WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT SEASON 4???
(love your art btw!!!)
smeltbracket found dead in this kitchen
#okay in all seriousness though i fucking loved it#hands down favorite episode was earth rake#but also contending is stockiverse and.. Bouillabaisse..#i really love how family focused this season is. dont get me started on tervo. i love how much nicer everyone is to each other#except for them really juicing up korvo’s bitchiness in super gooblers (which i guess was meant to push jesse into her confrontation)#speaking of korvo his voice was a delight this season. just so expressive and is now up there with the rest of the casts distinct voices#i guess trying to ease back into finales that end with a season reset#and why didnt pupa change color??#overall it was pretty fucking great. had black spots in my vision during the invisible kitchen scene#tervo this season was fucking crazy my god what are they gonna do for the valentine special#UGHHH. they really keep raising the bar every season. SOOOO GOOD#this isn’t a very In Depth discussion of my thoughts sorry i need to spend more time in this seasons nooks and crannies#ooh ohh and the replicants this season were so cute too. THEY GREW TOGETHERRR#i liked the shlorp lore and little peeks into their past too#anyways i got sidetracked yeah amazing season#I FORGOT TO MENTION THE ANIMATION#THE ANIMATION THIS SEASON WAS BONKERS DUDE. LOVED HOW FLUID IT WAS AND ALL THE FUN NEW EXPRESSIONS THE SOLARS HAD#THAT SCENE OF THEM SAYING DEENOSAUR WAS LIKE MY FAVORITE EXAMPLE#gonna keep adding as i remember things im glad they wanted to explore jesses character more#but i dont like how they jeopardized korvos character for them to get there#kinda made him backtrack his progress for the sake of that episode :/ just a really big shift i wasnt a fan of#and they didnt make him feel remorse that whole episode either he didnt even say sorry :/#also terry was just chill with chris that whole episode? have we just moved past the hall of betrayals thing?#i guess jesse’s roast about him being sky blue really just set him off for the rest of the season#he needs to talk to someone professional#i feel like solars is a really weird blend of being umm. Emotionally episodic
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do you think Nadeko has a stance on free will and determinism?
I think Nadeko would not initially know what determinism means, art is Nadeko’s only good class.
But if you explained it I think Nadeko (of now) would probably have an arc abt it and think “I thought like that a few years ago, when I was really miserable in middle school I felt like I couldn’t really change anything and it had to be that way. But now a days I’m doing what I want so I find it hard to think that it’s all predetermined in some way. If so then fate is stranger than I could imagine.”
Nadeko really comes to believe in the human element of their existence over time so it’s probably not gonna b something (modern) Nadeko puts personal stock in
That or the thought would be something like “it’s kinda like shonen manga in a way isn’t it?” And then proceed to think abt the concept of fate in manga
For koi or otori or even before that Nadeko I think she’d go “…that’s interesting.” And then it would haunt her/feed into the complexes for a while, the fatalism of “I have to be this forever.” Is a big part of Nadeko’s whole deal and finding out about determinism would probably blend into the ambiguous concepts of fatalism that exists In Nadeko’s mind (I can see Nadeko easily conflating those)
Decent chance it could make nadeko worse solely bc of Nadeko’s complex on autonomy is just, like that. And adding unregulated words could easily factor into Nadeko’s mental list of excuses and justifications for not trying to self improve (or change anything about how much she hates her own pretty privilege and social dehumanization but is too comfortable in lukewarm misery to get out) or get some sort of help (that isn’t whatever bizzare cope was going on with Koyomi).
Ultimately it depends on which nadeko you ask
Bc like this is a thing that in narrative, changes
#summarizing the nadeko autonomy discussion for brevity rn may go back later#middle school Nadeko has no idea how to change as a person and what steps are even necessary to grow up and change to be better bc there#isn’t actually an easy way to do that and so she catastrophizes that it’s all over for her and she’s never gonna change and is stuck foreve#I feel like a lot of nisio’s fatalism vibes in works are like a product of shit like depression and feeling like you have no power abt it#which makes it interesting in how it changes over time#nadeposting#nadetalk
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Started knitting a kufiya pattern piece (solid bars, olive leaves, fishnet) and I’m actually really happy with how it’s coming out so far :]
Very early progress pics below cut - excuse my pyjamas
#ra speaks#personal#needlework#knitting#I tried a few different leaf patterns but ended up frogging them bc they were proportionate to the rest of it#I’m going w a more simple leaf pattern which means it doesn’t show up well until I get a few dozen more rows in#but bc I know they’re there I can see them and it’s like yessss yesssss#I’ve been planning this pattern for weeks bc I couldn’t find a pattern out there#and I hate changing colors and stuff so this is just a mono color textured pattern#which tbh I think will look nicer even if it isn’t a solid piece of fabric (eg. the net is lace instead of a pattern on solid fabric)#if I was gonna start over I’d make the bars a smidge thinner but the netting section is pretty big so maybe it’ll look fine once I’m done
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so I’m realising my intense anxiety for Hilda’s third season to come out is PROBABLY an autism thing
#like. it’s been 2 years of it being the same#the fandoms been in the same place and the show has too#and now it’s gonna change and it is giving me so much anxiety#when the special interest is so intense that you feel physically ill at the thought of new content because it’s just so overwhelming#<- that’s not my usual exaggerated ‘I’m so unwell’ thing either like I have layed awake at night feeling#sick LMAO#bc of s3#which is so frustrating because I’m excited! I love this show! I want more!#but because it’s so important to me. new content is going to have a big effect on me#and I don’t want it too cries#does that make sense? no? sick#it’s either an autism thing or there’s just something wrong with me either way I’d like this feeling to go away please it isn’t fun#hilda#textpost#it’s like I just want it to come out already so I can watch it and know what’s happening cause I hate not knowing what’s going on#i need to have. my information organised#and rn I don’t#and that makes me rlly anxious lolz#like I’m anxious for season 3 in a good excited way#but also in a geniunley bad way#I wish my brain was. normal lo#l#this got more venty than I meant it to sorryblads#might delete later#I’m sad hilda is ending bc it’s over and I don’t want it to be but#also it’s weirdly comforting to know that I don’t have to go through this intense anxiety again#cause I don’t get like this with other fandoms! dr who for example I’m living new content#but for Hilda I geniunkey feel unwell#it’s the same with the idea of there ever being new ducktales content#I care so much that it’s. bad for me lol??
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Confession: sometimes I scroll back through George’a old twitter posts (he doesn’t have a lot it isn’t hard) to check he actually made the tweets I remember when I feel particularly insane about people on tumblr misinterpreting him
#wank/rants#why am I awake? why are you asking questions weather boy#The guys who was the first person to publicly declare support of Lewis after Abu Dhabi and Nelson Piquets comments#is not gonna be besties with Max verstappen#BEGGING some folks to realise there’s a massive bridge between#bitchy driver who gets cocky but ultimately follows rules (seb Lewis george)#and driver who breaks the rules on purpose and expects to be allowed- (max and Fernando)#and the hate George gets isn’t even remotely equivalent to the hate max does#which is why I feel like people conflate him an max to argue that they are similar#max has earned it- by proving over and over he will defend bigots and blame everyone and his team before taking accountability#George takes account of his faults and advocates for change while still being self confident#you know#like seb did#when people hated him#this is a lot tamer than the rant in my drafts#posts I will probably delete after I have slept again
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Wine stains on porcelain
(Alternatively: @katkastrofa and I have created 5 OCs in 3 days and I suffer from chronic “I wanna draw the little guysssssss” disease)
#my art#artists on tumblr#the legend of korra#original characters#I have not figured out a tag system yet so for now this is all they’re getting#their names are liba and abyan and I’m very much obsessed :)#they’re the children of two of our other newest OCs. Himman and Summiya#the latter of whom just happens to be Zaheer’s older sister#but he ran away from home years before these two were born so he most likely isn’t even aware of their existence#I mean. I’m sure he suspects his sisters had children. but that’s the extent of what he knows#anyway#quite a few headcanons came to mind as I was drawing so I’m gonna type them out while I can still function#(haven’t slept for two nights in a row. I’m starting to doubt whether I’m actually alive or not)#Liba is older by about a year but once they grow up a little it’s barely noticeable and people assume they’re twins#over time they stop bothering to correct them because really. they’re so close they might as well be#they were both burn with port wine stain birthmarks on their faces. much to their mother’s dismay#she has a whole perfectionism complex and needed her children to reflect that to maintain the family image#thus they were taught how to hide the marks early on. but the powder makes them constantly sneeze#liba is very self conscious about it bc of what her mother put in her head. Abyan less so bc while he’s expected to be perfect#his future doesn’t depend on his looks. he always tries to comfort his sister whenever she spirals too deep. no matter that she’s older#when no one is around to hear he calls her Lili <3 it annoyed her at first so she dubbed him Yanyan in retaliation#but over time they both grew to love the nicknames and now use them unironically#they’re the ultimate partners in crime. their goal? gaining as much freedom from their mother as possible#and sooner or later they will manage to do so permanently. which will make Summiya fall apart. but that is currently Kat’s domain#speaking of. hi Kat. I know you’ve already seen this in pencil but look! I coloured them!!#the birthmarks were both kinda annoying and rather fun to do. maybe I’ll change them later. I was too tired to look at refs so I improvised#and there’s no detail in clothing since again. 0 energy whatsoever. but once I refine their full body designs I shall go all out#that reminds me I need to go collect my new sketchbook. might do it on the way home from the store#okay I’m getting distracted. is this my very unsubtle way of trying to influence Kat to write that Summiya fic?#maybe. maybe not. you can’t prove anything 😁
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so if you romance and ascend astarion you can kick him in the balls when he tries to turn you and it’s just very funny, he’s so pissy about it. so much for the most powerful vampire of all time or whatever, he stamps around like a toddler and then leaves forever
#i’m glad i saved before that choice so i can go through all the scenes i wouldn’t have got otherwise#(‘that choice’ meaning ascension)#im Fascinated by a whole bunch of stuff if you ascend him#like if you succeed on the detect thoughts (or maybe insight i forget) before he turns you to see what he think of you#it says something like ‘he will always see you as degrading yourself while you choose to be with him’ which is just BONKERS INSANE#like not confusing or anything. just wild to include. in a good way; like yeah of course that’s how he feels#and then the narrator follows it up with something like ‘but isn’t that what you want?’#like i’m glad they do actually try to impress upon you how fucked this dynamic is. they’re not trying to make you think it’s a good outcome#(i know there’s discourse about this and it’s very annoying)#(people who are like ‘actually it’s romantic and kinky’ uhh 😬)#(but then people who are like ‘how can anyone think this is ok’ and direct that towards anyone who enjoys playing it)#(like no it’s fun and genuinely interesting and i can see the appeal. just not when it comes to analysing the relationship)#(most people are aware that this is a bad dynamic they’re just playing a game chill out)#(like when i said 😬 about it being romantic/kinky i mean that from the perspective of analysing the story not personal enjoyment)#(anyway. moving on)#like i did that specific bit of dialogue probably a month or more ago and only once (because the test was really hard)#and it’s been creeping around in my head ever since. i love it lmao#i saw a video of that kiss where he makes you kneel a while ago and didn’t quite believe it was a real thing#but no it’s one of his actual default kisses. amazing#like i’m definitely gonna do a playthrough where i get everyone to make the power-hungry soul-destroying choices#and i might have to romance astarion again for that one because he definitely seems to have the most bad-decision relationship content#although he has the most relationship content full stop so it’s not surprising#but i think that’s the only one that notably changes your character during the playthrough rather than just the epilogue#personal#ash plays bg3
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#again. I am. upset with change and have been upset with change for the past like. month#idk the friend I usually play 14 and do stuff with is hardly on and barely talks to me much anymore#which is just like. her being busy and having a significant other#but there’s a lot of stuff we started together in 14 that I’m now doing on my own#and man. man it’s fucking lonely af#I’m doing diadem alone. I’m doing anima relics on my own. I’m doing other relics on my own#dailies on my own which has gotten me much braver about playing healer and tank but man. man it’s fucking lonely#and I have other friends I can play with but it’s like when you have so many projects you’ve started with a friend only to be left#to do them on your own…it sucks#I’m not upset over her having personal stuff but I’m still missing the times we used to play together#it’s been like this for going on two or three months which isn’t a lot to really think about but still#it feels like a long time#it’s not that my love of 14 is fading it’s more that the act of playing alone when you have so much joint investment isn’t all that fun#owen talks#idk if it last through the summer then idk what I’m gonna do
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“Look for the strengths in yourself” this. “Your trauma doesn’t define you or make you inherently wrong” that. Do it out of spite. Value yourself out of spite.
What? Those douchebags told you that you weren’t worth anything? Fuck them! Treat yourself like you’re worth something! Get back at those fuckers!
Those assholes conditioned you into thinking you were terrible by treating you like shit? Condition yourself back! Keep valuing yourself and doing self care over and over until you drown them out. Until they’re as stupid and small in your brain as they are in real life.
Fucking win the emotional manipulation game! Win it! Draw something shit because it makes you feel happy! What, you can’t say no to people because you’re not worth as much as them? Fuck that! Say no all the time! Treat yourself like the most important person in the universe because they would hate it!
#so had a epiphany with a client the other day#essentially this#spite is the best way to do anything#and yes I’m in the mental health field#which would shock the tumblr bot who saw my blog and tried to send me to a therapy blog#which was adorable but jesus#and shocking to people who’ve commented saying I’m way to cynical about mental health and asking if I’m okay#I’m so unbelievably stable I help other people get stable lmao#it’s just sometimes the sunshine and rainbows approach works for people#and sometimes it doesn’t#and I’m just incredible super blunt about how I feel and experience things#which is sometimes yucky when it’s mental health or cptsd or my experience being neurodivergent in this society#you have points when your brain isn’t gonna believe that you’re good#that things can get better#rationally you will but emotionally your brain has conditioned itself out of hope and self regard#so sometimes you gotta motivate yourself with anger and spite#those assholes don’t deserve your life#and then you’ll get to the actual hope and happy feelings point#and then you’ll drop again#because this is how it works#and yucky emotions are not always bad or shameful#sometimes spite and anger is justified and can motivate you to change#sometime stress helps you survive#sometimes sadness helps you stop and realise somethings wrong#fuck depression though that one is just bad#(I’m kidding lmao)#seriously for me who gets depressive spirals often#and likely will for my entire life#depression feelings tells me I haven’t been making time for myself#and I’m overwhelmed
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I’ll never understand younger siblings whining about their older siblings moving away like I bet yall were nasty and annoying too like wow all those years and you claim to adore the older sibling and post oh woe is me the older sibling abandoned me … girl … the older sibling didn’t have a parental certificate or anything.
#since when were we friends nor did I have any obligation over you or towards you#we are literally roommates here acting like we’re friends#dora daily#I say this cause I saw yet another younger sibling on tiktok trying to make themselves a victim like the older one is clearly avoiding the#whole family and changing their phone number so u guys don’t contact for a reason like wth did you guys do that’s so bad they would go#through all that trouble#‘older siblings will never understand how doing that affects us physically and mentally’ oh quit whining and cope#I didn’t have an older sibling I relied on only myself heck not even strangers help me when I’m in dire need#I think yall need to cope harder and wake up to the real world#not all younger siblings but a lot of them like my little brother 13yo is good id never want to abandon him but the rest … yeah bye#idgaf you should’ve not been an idiot because believe me ik kids mess up but not like this#and now she’s grovelling at my feet bye grovel harder#like just an hour ago or so she came up to me and was like I’m going to school for the first day are you gonna miss me#I said no because she always tells me no when I ask her if she missed me#and somehow she had the audacity to be upset like okay#the same girl who tells me to move out btw#my mum said oh u have to be her best friend cause if she has nobody here then she will have to rely on strangers#and she would find herself in trouble cause they don’t have good intent oh gee I wonder which person caused me to do that#it’s honestly ironic#like Eris and virtue happened because she couldn’t step up and be a normal mother byeeee#and anyways whyre you acting like having a sibling is essential#it honestly isn’t like why would I be nice to a girl who dogs on me and beats me up and is disrespectful#she’s not that young anymore she’s almost 12#‘oh they have different personalities’ well i hate hers and im not to be forced to like it either its my right
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Actually I don’t think I’ll ever forgive how Wash’s disability and subsequent ‘cure’ was handled.
#beans speaks#personal#rvb#red versus blue#the Carolina and wash plotline was a lil ehhh bc I don’t think they gave Carolina’s attitude abt his new limits a healthy foil#like it would have been see easy to have Dr Grey or Wash himself parallel her fear and frustration#and it could have gotten into such character depth too!#shine a light on her past trauma with losing people/them getting hurt to show that a lot of her perspective is ultimately selfish#which isn’t ‘wrong’ it’s normal considering what she’s been through but she needs to respect wash’s autonomy!#I haven’t seen 0 but. I heard. they gave him a. a fucking AI and it was all yippee he’s fine#as though that doesn’t go against like a major personal boundary of Wash (not a big fan of ai in his head) while also ignoring the whole.#yeah we just have to deal with this. it’s not fun and it’s gonna suck sometimes but it doesn’t change our love or respect.#sorry if I sound insane I also haven’t watched that season in a while and I’m. a lil. wooo tonight y’know#like as a disabled person w a progressive condition that is stopping me from doing things I used to be able to do#and will continue to limit my abilities as the years go by#it makes me wanna tear someone limb from fucking limb
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