#i’m a shitty daughter
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fiona gallagher // "i bet on losing dogs" by mistki
#fiona gallagher#shameless#fiona and her kids#fiona and monica#parentification#fiona gallagher’s childhood#parentified child#ami weaves a web#another sad fiona edit sorry!!!! SORRY#except not sorry. not really. lol#i have had this rattling around my head for days just needed to put it out there#mistki#mitski lyrics#making myself sad with this one folks!#also oh my god this was so hard to color match sorry if the editing looks shitty#EVERYTHING FROM SEASONS 1-3 ARE BRIGHT YELLOW AND EVERYTHING ONWARDS IS TWILIGHT BLUE KICKING AND SCREAMING#WHYYYYY#anyways!#particularly emotional about this fi and debbie scene oh goddd the way she’s cupping her cheek just makes me want to cry#GOD I JUST ..#TELL YOUR BABY THAT IM YOUR BABY !!!!!!!!!#i bet on losing dogs is just SO fiona gallagher coded#but also?? ELDEST DAUGHTER CODED IN GENERAL#GODDDDD#i always want you when i’m finally fine too#for a while i’m just. this is okay. everything is fine. and then BAM#I WANT TO BE MY PARENTS CHILD AGAIN PLEASEEEEE PLEASE PLEASE LEKALSLLLSLSLSLKDDK LET ME BE YOUR BABY !!!!!!!#PLEEASASSEREEEEEEEE#SOBBING AND CRYINF
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You can pry girl dad Mark Winters out of my cold dead hands.
#Okay hear me out he was one and he would be still if whatever happened to mama winters didn’t happen they were a super close family he was a#girl dad and then tragedy. And things were difficult for him and then obviously he became a villain. So he and Ashe are more distant now an#their relationship is more strained but at the end of the day he loves Ashe so much and would do anything for her as long as she got to be#safe and happy. He’s a villain but he’s letting her hang out with the prime defenders because he knows they’re good for her! He became a#villain so he’d be able to support her. He loves her so much and he has an odd way of showing it but I’ve seen just how much this character#loves his child so much despite it all he’s not perfect no one is but he does everything he does so Ashe will be safe and secure and once a#girl dad always a girl dad he loves his trans daughter very much and he’s always supported her and he’s still a girl dad no matter what#I just have so many feelings about Mark Wavelength#I take back the thing I said about them saving bino instead of wavelength back I take it back so hard oh my god#jrwi#jrwi prime defenders#mark winters#wavelength#I JUST READ A FIC AND HE WAS SUCH A SHITTY DAD IN IT HES NOT HES A GIRL DAD WHO LOVES HIS DAUGHTER SO MUCH#I’m a Mark Winters defender and will always be one from now on#Mark wavelength I’m only on episode fifteen don’t do something heinous that makes me eat my words please I believe in you
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The implication that all it takes to turn a sweet, kind, loving person into a tyrant and emotionally abusive mother is one (1) singular traumatic event is sure something.
#descendants#descendants 4#descendants rise of red#descendants ror#and the fact that the movie (and some of the fandom) presents it as normal and in a sense even justified is wild#like i’m not trying to downplay how awful what happened to bridget was for her#but decapitating people and being shitty to your daughter is not an excusable trauma response#and i know that dcoms and really have never been anywhere near the same plane of existence#but it’s still… a lot to digest
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oughggh something that makes me insane about the dynamic between Akihiro and Laura is that they're both outcasts who see themselves as Different than everyone else but the contrast is that Laura in the early days doesn't understand a lot of social skills and societal rules even if she has some idea she has a hard time following by them. but she Wants So Badly to be like other people, to be Human, she wants to fit in and she tries so hard to because she wants to be good, she wants to be better than her upbringing.
Meanwhile Akihiro has always understood societal rules and expectations, social skills, etc and is able to use them to fit in perfectly into whatever role he is playing at the moment, but he doesn't actually Care about following them at all. He's an outcast who has always viewed himself as being different than everyone else and he doesn't care at all about fitting in or trying to live in human rules. Because he doesn't care about anyone else, he doesn't want to do good, he likes hurting people because he has lost sight of their relevance.
It sets up such an interesting contrast between the two of them, Akihiro can fit in but he doesn't want to, Laura can't fit in but she wants to. Akihiro was groomed to be a killer and it's all he wants to be, Laura was created to be a killer but she wants to be good. Akihiro doesn't understand why Laura wants to do good and wants to fit in when she has such power, Laura doesn't understand why Akihiro limits himself by separating himself from society. They intrigue each other because they come from such similar places but have such different values and goals. But Akihiro is especially intrigued by why she is like this, and seeing this in her is what helped him change to be more like her.
#i think a HUGE part of why there is this difference between them is that#laura was literally FORCED to be a killer from the moment she was born. she had no choice. no other option.#she saw other Normal people living their normal and happy lives and wanted that for herself#because she never had that#akihiro on the other hand Was normal#had a normal life#and it was so traumatizing and shitty for him#where he was ostracized by normal people#so when he was given the chance to be Not Normal#to hurt back the society that had hurt him#he took it#obviously he was groomed and manipulated towards this#but i think his upbringing had a Huge part of this#theyre so fascinating.#fav: maybe power is all i have. or all i need#fav: no one owns me! i’m not a thing. i’m laura kinney! i’m the daughter of sarah. i’m the daughter of logan. i’m wolverine!!#r: i’m not here for the island#akihiro#laura kinney#x men
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The lesser choice.
So much I long to say, yet I am a coward.
I cannot voice my love, nor my regret.
You are my father, you have cared for me since existence.
I’m sorry I do this to you, sorry for treating you this way.
I wish I was better.
#my poem#original poem#poem#poems and poetry#poems on tumblr#poetry#poets corner#poets on tumblr#poetsandwriters#writers and poets#poem by me#shitty poetry#poetic#my post#writblr#female writers#writeblr#writers on tumblr#writing#writerscommunity#writing blog#writingblr#writing by me#I love my dad#daughter guilt#I’m sorry for being a shitty daughter#(comma)#you deserve the world#notes app#I’ll try & be better
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do any of y’all kin a character you hate like it’s so embarrassing😭
#i don’t really HATE her but i’m not incredibly fond of fiona yet i relate a lot to her#chaotic eldest parentified daughter of mentally ill mother who makes shitty decisions and self sabotages constantly😁#i mean i relate to debbie a lot and way more than fiona but still#im a hypocrite ik#text
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nearly got into a fight with my mother at christmas eve dinner last night bc she kept spouting off misinformation about vaccines. she literally tried to tell me other family members that they didn’t do human trials on the pfizer vaccine, which is just straight up false. and when i proceeded to tell her she was wrong, that they’re required to do a clinical trial before putting them in the market, and that i know this because i know people who participated in the moderna and pfizer trials and i had specifically put my name on the list for the trials half a year before the final vaccine came out, she tried to argue with me, by which i mean she just said “no they didn’t” and refused to listen to reason.
#usually i just let her run her mouth about whatever bullshit because she’s just straight up too stubborn and dumb to actually listen#but i’m not gonna let her straight up lie about vaccines in front of the rest of my family#although surprisingly she gendered my sister’s trans boyfriend correctly which she has straight up spent almost a decade#refusing to do with my trans friends and partners#and on the one hand i appreciate the growth but on the other hand it feels shitty that she never put forth any effort for me#she was complaining about how her middle daughter never talks to her anymore like gee i wonder why
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Watching Helluva Boss for that Hell lore and Moxxie is absolutely my favorite. (And Millie. I love her. Stolas is a lot different than I was expecting because I only knew his songs before this) And uh…
Moxxie: “You’ve had us tied up here for hours and you haven’t even had us confirm one thing- like what we are!”
Human Interrogator: “And what are you!?”
Moxxie: “I’m a Virgo!”
Me, absolutely losing it, enjoying the sass:
#freaking knew there was a reason he was my favorite so far#same zodiac#helluva boss#I definitely prefer Hazbin Hotel but I’m here for Moxie Millie and the LORE#Lucifer is doing a LOT better on the dad front than Stolas so far holy SHIT owl man needs to CALM DOWN HIS DAUGHTER IS RIGHT THERE#her mom is pretty shitty too though#helluva boss spoilers
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#i do not want to work tomorrow i want to lay in bed and be sad#i’m really realizing how miserable of a person i am i am always fucking Sad and when i do feel happy i cry when it’s over#and i can’t even resemble a human being without medication and i know that’s fine but i’m still always sad. it doesn’t go away#i feel like nobody deserves to have me weighing them down like i’ve cried in front of people three times this week and i know it’s fine#but i feel so fucking guilty about it and i feel guilty about everything i feel like i’m doing nothing right and i’m not dealing with thing#right and i’m not living right and i feel like it must be so fucking difficult to love me and i don’t know how people do it#i don’t even feel capable of asking for. any sort of love ever#i feel like i don’t deserve like anything. i feel like nobody actually wants to do things for me lol#every single dsy i’m like wow i want to be held and every single dsy i feel bad even asking for a hug from someone#when i need reassurance i’m afraid to ask because what if i’m just being annoying and overbearing and too much Bad#i never feel like too much good. only bad.#i know a lot of these shitty thoughts are just because i’ve been unmedicated (meds will be ready tomorrow lol) but it just like#it sucks to know medication just kinda hides these thoughts better and that deep down i feel like this because i don’t want to#i feel like everyone in my life doesn’t deserve someone who doubts everything all the time#i think my mother deserved a stronger daughter and i think my friends deserve someone that’s not always breaking and i just don’t feel Good#i don’t know why anyone keeps me around#sometimes i feel selfish for sticking around and that sounds so awful and i’m not gonna act on it but i just feel like a waste of a person#the last week has been so good and now i’m just a fucking mess and i feel so fucking guilty about that :)#i feel like no matter what i always just default to miserable#i don’t feel like i’m doing enough at all#i’m struggling in school i don’t work enough i can barely take care of myself#like i wouldn’t even properly take care of myself if taylor wasn’t helping me i feel so guilty about that all the time#i feel so guilty for even thinking any of this right now and i’m trying to remind myself that i’m unmedicated and i’ve had a long day#and my best fucking friend just went back home and i’m allowed to be sad about that but i just. feel like i’m making excuses i guess#it’s not immoral to be sad but maybe when i’m wanting to die all the time i’m the problem. idk#anyway i’m gonna go to sleep and i’m gonna try to convince myself tomorrow will be better#sndnsksjkakejdkalwosjhdkwosjdjsk. i will be fine
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#my father is in a manic episode and i just. don’t have the energy to deal with this.#like i just spent an hour wrestling my kid into bed#he keeps texting me ever more disconnected and verbose things#he’s going to be in town next weekend and i said i would meet him for lunch#and i’m dreading it and it feels like shit#i’m a shitty daughter i’m just#so tired of trying to regulate a grown man who refuses to help himself#it is not my job to support a man who has burned every single bridge#who refuses to take medication#who is suffering from multiple illnesses he can’t treat because he’s destroyed his liver#and still drinks#i can’t do this i am tired i don’t want to#personal#to delete
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My dad called me “stalker-obsessed” with Taylor because I knew when she was born…
#I wish I were joking but I’m not#we were at a dinner with friends and he said this#and I was like ?????#my friend was like ‘she literally has an album called 1989’#like that is the most basic information you could know about her so to go for that was weird to me#he was like when was she born and I was like December 13 and then he asked what year and then said I was a stalker#I don’t know something about dunking on your daughter’s interests in front of your friends is pretty shitty
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Don’t foucking touch me
#The father comes in all. “Oh I can take over” and immediately arm over my shoulders#I have no regret and will elbow you in your shitty ribs get the hell away from me#We all know it’s the eldest daughters job to pick up the slack of what the parents should be able to fuckign do#So let me finish here#Before I attempt murders with the kitchen items on my person#/hj I’m so fucking done
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it’s so fun how i’m not allowed to be frustrated or upset without my brother and mother ganging up on me for being frustrated or upset
#sharing a blanket with mom#mom keeps twitching her legs#my side of the blanket keeps riding up and tugging at her every move#i get fed up and give her more blanket to have more slack#i don’t say shit#cue my brother glaring at me like i just spit on her#and then my mother saying how Oh EVEn mY brEAthinG bOtHErs hEr#when hilariously the list of things that i do that bother her do indeed include:#breathing. how i shut the microwave. if i let a plate clink a little. my own fucking face.#but no i’m the terrible insufferable daughter and sister neither of them can stand#even though i am the one who makes them tea and never the other way around#and the only presents under the tree are the ones i put there#anyway this has been the shittiest week#and an incredibly shitty day#this is the previous post#randomness#eta: this is the same brother btw who wants me to tell him all my mental health issues and wors and plans#and to confide in him completely even though i have told him indon’t trust him#and who tells me my long distance friends are shit because ‘they only tell you want you want to hear’#even though all the knows about them is that they exist#and that i should instead confide in him or my aunt#and how has told me i should be grateful i am not on the street when inhave told him of the Whatever Flavor of Abuse at home#and told me too how my being depressed and unemployed (back when it was Really Bad) was sooo hard on mom. think of *mom*#…anyway rant over
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#i’m just putting all my thoughts here bc it’s easier than telling my friends the hard shut#bc i don’t want to worry anyone much less then#they all live so far away and only two of them have been able to see me and they can’t make time for a few weeks#i just don’t even have a desire to do anything man#i’ve spent all day laying on my couch staring at the wall#i haven’t eaten in days#i haven’t been getting my work done#this despair is deeper than a breakup it’s just a fundamental hatred of self#and the shitty thing is i felt okay with myself before i met him#i liked myself! and this relationship just tore me apart man#i only felt worthy when he chose to spend time with me#and even then he seemed like he hated being there#honestly? it seemed like he didn’t even like me at times#it wasn’t intentional he was never mean to me he put so much effort into being kind and patient and being with me#but i just feel like i have to twist everyone’s arms to love me man#i am fundamentally such a shit person i have to force people to spend time with me#i have tried so hard to be so upbeat for my friends and i feel like im failing them too#i am a horrible friend and a horrible daughter and i was a horrible partner#and sometimes i just feel like i don’t deserve to live like i just bring misery to everyone around me#delete laters
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Hasan Minhaj’s Bit from Homecoming King about playing your cards with immigrant parents…
#my dad is becoming more vocal about wanting grandkids#my extremely Latino father to his (assumed) single queer daughter: I can’t wait for you marry a man and have kids#me: sir I don’t know how many times I’m going have to tell you I’m not having kids like let’s just ignore the whole marriage thing#anyway people at my old job would be like: how come you don’t tell your family#me: not unless everyone gets cool about a bunch of stuff real quickly#and like I don’t hate kids#quite the opposite#and sometimes I do think about it but like#I am Not a suitable person to be giving birth and having kids#like Imagine me as a mother .#I am so irresponsible and I can’t undo becoming a parent#I mean I guess I could if I was a shitty person#but i don’t particularly want to be a deadbeat parent#anyway I’m just thinking about this because of recent developments at home and my dad bringing this up more#and I’m trying not to feel guilty about it#me literally exisitng: I’m dissapointing my father 😭#there was a post in here once that said something along the lines in order to live your life you’ve got to be ok with dissapointing people#in the sense that you can’t force yourself into living out your parents expectations#I think if I had siblings I’d feel better about it.#but as an only child I am depriving my parents on this#but also they’re not entitled to have that even if they really want it#I just wish I didn’t feel guilt about my decision#I don’t regret that I just feel sad😐#anyway that’s enough of that it’s Wednesday and I’m sleepy and my period just started
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At this rate I think I’m getting at most like 2 or 3 hours of sleep tonight 🫡
#I hate waking up at 6 I’m dreading tomorrow#im kinda vaguely hoping I idk. explode or something#im so nervous I have to do a presentation on something I’ve barely worked on I only had yesterday and today until like 1 pm to#and the thing starts at like… 10 am which isn’t that bad. but still too little time I think I’m utterly screwed#and I hate doing presentations#ugh. sorry for venting and stuff kinda ive just been hating stuff lately#but hey. I have a Thursday show to go to this month plus my beautiful daughter (bpib vinyl)#so it’s not… that bad#still shitty but could be worse
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