#which isn’t a lot but it’s funny that it happened twice with the same dm

[suddenlydeer]

DAY RESTORED MY DND CHARACTER IS OFFICIALLY TRANSGENDER

[bloodytornwings]

2000semocat / Scourgethecat

Promise this’ll fr be my last post about her, but I remembered something that I found funny and infuriating because it pertains to me and reminds me of a certain situation lmao. I’m not gonna talk about Scourge anymore after this post, I just wanted to get it out of my system.

See under cut.

For context, Scourge was running an “investigation” on another weirdo and suddenly brought up that she “didn’t see him as a friend anymore.” I asked why she would see him as one to begin with, and she said it was because he called her his friend on a discord call. I said that’s not how friendship works, she brings up her elementary school friends as the reason she “runs to people that could hurt her” and I say “you can’t let that affect you today, you just can’t.” I’d been very open about the fact I feel little to no empathy and I’m very straightforward and don’t like to sugarcoat things btw.

She shoots me a message like the next day saying that she saw my messages as victim blaming. I don’t think much of it and move on with my day after apologizing (to get her off my back).

Come to find out on the same day she sent that message, she had gone to somebody else’s DMs to vent about me, saying I made her cry, and that when I responded to her message I gave her a “panic attack” or some shit.

Even the person she vented to about me didn’t see how my messages were victim blaming her. Again, I don’t like sugarcoating things and I tell things straightforward.

Oh yeah, the other person who was apart of the whole conversation on June 21st wasn’t even mentioned in like, Scourge’s vents. It was only me being dogged on. She didn’t even talk to the other person about it, only me.

If I had a nickel for every time Scourge said a 15 year old gave her panic attacks and she used serious terms to describe something that didn’t even fit the description of said term, I’d have 2 nickels. Which isn’t a lot, but it’s weird considering it happened twice (aka during the angelwowings situation/mess where Scourge said Tulip “love bombed” her in her “testimony” against Tulip. The doc is still up if you wanna see it by the way, but it’s one of the dumbest things I’ve been apart of to say the least).

[j9only]

this week with J9

Joong went live twice for a lot of minutes. Talking to fans and just hanging out.  He mentioned that he didn’t see Nine’s livestream for BioTherm but that he did watch his performance from a few days ago. And confirmed again that they call each other to talk.   He sang a few song, including Love you 3000, Nicotine, and one of Nine’s group songs from Chuang. His auntie made him popcorn to eat during the live. How cute! And he said that Nine was so lucky to have worked with Jackson. Who is an idol of Joong’s. He also mentioned that he’s thinking of starting a clothing-line. Joong is also back to doing a lot of exercises and went on a photoshooting day out with his Auntie and he’s watching a lot of Anime on Netflix.  He had a cold at the start the week, and seems to have got sick again by Friday. So hopefully Joong will be better soon.  It might be nothing, it could mean everything, but Joong’s IG bio no longer contains any work numbers. Motive and Insight have been removed and now you can DM him for work. This obviously makes people wonder if Joong has left Insight and is simply sitting out his remaining contract with Insight for the month, or until his rookie project has aired.  Nine had a rougher week, with once again his earpiece malfunctioning during a stage performance. Other artists had the same issue that night, but it still sucks to have happen again to Nine, causing him to be out of sync with the dancing and needing to watch the others to see where they were in the choreography.  He also had little to no solos, prompting the Official Chinese fanclub of Nine to write a letter of complaint to his management. They feel that Nine is being treated unfairly by the company. And use examples such as his lack of solo lines and screen time during performances, and his lack of solo jobs. What we are seeing him doesn’t reflect the role belong to a nr.5 ranking idol.  I don’t know if wjjw cares enough to take it seriously, but personally I agree that Nine isn’t being given the change the shine. If this is cause by the tremendous amount of hate he got in the beginning, we don’t know. But I wouldn’t be surprised.  In an interview Nine said he was a golden retriever, if he was an animal. Which is funny cause that is what the fandom labels Joong, where Nine is considered a cat. ^^.  He also said that he finds it important to support others when they are down, because when he’s down he would like for other people to that. But he’s not down often, as he believes there’s always tomorrow. A new day to try again. 

[dnd-drunks-n-debauchery]

Recap/Highlight reel of Friday Night's session

Brought to you by @nevergonnarollagain AKA Cookie

Before we started the action, Locke asked me whether or not I wanted him to be a nice DM or a meaner one. I chose for him to be meaner because I thought it would be funny.

We join the action as our party approaches the gates of the city on our way out. In front of the gates stands an Aaracroakra wearing an apron and regular clothes. Jayfice recognises this Aaracroakra as Klilic; the pair had been dating at one point, which is how they know him. Klilic's appearance seems fairly normal apart from a greatsword on his back. (This is important for later on.)

Both Jayfice and Klilic are confused at first, with Jayfice believing that this is some sort of illusion created by their mother (who, spoiler alert, is kind of an asshole). Klilic holds out his hand for Jayfice to examine, and upon determining that Klilic is not an illusion, Jayfice grabs him into a hug which seems to make him a little uncomfortable although he does reciprocate.

Jayfice eventually pulls away and asks Klilic to come with us out of the city, but Klilic counters with staying in the city instead. Klilic has lived here all of his life and runs a bakery here, which would probably explain why he's so reluctant to leave. When Jayfice tries to explain that the city isn't safe due to their parent's plans, Klilic simply responds "Then make it safe."

As Jayfice continues to try and persuade Klilic to come with us, Klilic turns and looks up at the top of the gate. Jayfice's father walks out, speedwalking slightly before slowing down to do a slow-mo walk in an attempt to look cool. It didn't work.

Jayfice's father tells Jayfice that their mother is very upset, and that whatever argument that they've had can be sorted by coming back to the castle and having a diplomatic discussion. Jayfice tells him that they've got no room on their schedule, but their father counters with the fact that Jayfice doesn't have any bookings listed in their diary.

Jayfice's father attempts to persuade Jayfice to come back to the castle, also talking to their brother and trying to persuade him to convince Jayfice to go back to the castle. When Jayfice declines he tells them he won't stop us leaving, and as a show of good faith he opens the gates and offers to answer any questions Jayfice has about the plans.

Jayfice decides to take the opportunity to ask about the full details of the plan, and their father explains; the plan is basically to conquer the whole of Arrack. They've enlisted the help of the Brokensky (a well-known gang of criminals who coincidentally want to capture/kill Jayfice) and plan to act through the Brokensky to attack other cities and drive a divide between them to make it easier to take them all over.

Since Jayfice's father is aware of the Brokensky hunting Jayfice, he offers to help resolve the situation if Jayfice goes with him to the castle. Jayfice shows a split-second of interest, and their father notices this.

He extends his offer to answer questions to the whole group and Rosania speaks up, grumbling that anyone who works alongside the Brokensky is bad news. Jayfice's father admits that he felt the same way at first, but that things have run surprisingly smoothly with them, aside from a few contract issues which he blames on his wife making comments in the meetings.

Jayfice thanks their father for his time and sends the rest of the group ahead, staying back to talk to Klilic and try one last time to convince him to come with us. Klilic really doesn't want Jayfice to leave, and draws his sword in an attempt to persuade him to stay. The pair have an intense conversation about Jayfice not trying to keep in contact during their exile, then Klilic casts fireball at the rest of the group, knocking out Ned.

Javier attempts to zap Klilic but only succeeds in giving him a light static shock, which unusually doesn't ruffle his feathers. (Literally. His feathers don't react at all to the shock.)

Rosania reacts next, preparing to cast Dancing Lights in an attempt to distract Klilic from the fight. However, her wand seems to tell her that that isn't going to work, so thinking fast she instead runs closer and casts Thorn Whip, and the magical whip drags Klilic closer to her.

Harmony follows Javier's example, zapping the fuck out of Klilic. Again, much like what happened with Javier's static shock, Klilic's feathers are not affected by the energy from the shock.

Klilic yeets another fireball at us all and Harmony gets knocked out, breaking her arm as she falls backwards.

Javier gets pissed off when he sees Harmony's arm break and fireballs himself, knocking out Rosania and killing Ned. When he realises that Ned is dead he spins back round to face Klilic and starts glowing like fuck. It doesn't take a genius to work out that Klilic is doomed unless Javier is calmed down.

Jayfice is conflicted. They don't want to hurt Klilic but he literally just killed one of their friends. They eventually make the decision to Eldritch Blast him, much to the amusement of their mother, who briefly appears as a hologram and taunts them for this decision.

Klilic is upset at Jayfice for attacking him, and they shout at each other for a moment before he starts to attack them, slashing their chest twice and prompting Jayfice to use their Hellish Rebuke. (They're a cambion who keeps the form of an Aaracroakra, that's why they can do that.) Despite Klilic being burnt by the Hellish Rebuke, his feathers, once again, show no real traces of it.

Remember how I said that Javier was pissed that Ned is dead? Yeah. He shoots some kind of lightning out of his chest that temporarily blinds Klilic. Then he charges at Klilic and attacks him with his fire sword as Jayfice shoots Klilic with another two Eldrich Blasts.

Jayfice asks the others to help snap Javier out of his rage, and they respond by fucking shooting him. Harmony, who has been healed and is back up on her feet, sends a death glare to Jayfice before attacking Klilic as well.

Badly injured, Klilic attempts to fly away and escape, but Harmony casts a Void of Tentacles spell and grabs him in it before smashing him into the ground, killing him.

And while all of this is happening Rosania quietly fucking dies in the background.

As Harmony dispels the tentacle spell, Jayfice approaches Klilic and casts Spare the Dying to ask why the hell he attacked them all like that.

But it turns out that this wasn't actually Klilic at all.

The creature we had been fighting was actually a Grey Slaad (a shapeshifting creature from another plane), and he has a mind-control gem in his brain. He explains that the gem told him what to do and that he'd likely be made to attack again if he was released, and Jayfice stabs him to prevent that from happening. While Jayfice and the Grey Slaad are talking, Inora revives Rosania and Ned, getting them back on their feet with 1 HP each.

Jayfice's mother appears as a hologram again and mockingly congratulates Jayfice for slaying an innocent creature, then flies up above the city and announces that Jayfice made a deal with a devil and attacked the city, ruined their crops, and declares that there is a reward for whoever can kill them and bring them back. Then she turns to Jayfice and declares "Let the games...begin." (Like I said, she's an asshole.)

A whole bunch of people start charging to attack Jayfice and our party, and Rosania (who, bearing in mind, just died and got brought back to life so will be feeling rather disorientated at best) goes into a full-on panic and turns into a fucking Allosaurus. Jayfice attempts to take advantage of this situation, yelling at the mob to stay back lest they send their "Uh, uh...creature" to fight them. They also threaten them with a boomstick and pleads with their father to close the gate, but the mob gets through the gate because their father hesitated. Jayfice asks the "big creature person" (Rosania) if she can help them, and Rosania turns and runs away.

Jayfice attempts to intimidate the mob again by changing to their cambodian form and yelling at them, but it just makes the mob angrier. With no ideas left Jayfice asks the rest of the group to help and dives behind them.

And the group gives the mob the same treatment they gave Javier.

Which is to fucking shoot them.

The entire fucking mob dies much to the horror of Jayfice, who casts Spare the Dying before turning and running away. The rest of the party follows them, and Locke comments that the Spare the Dying that Jayfice cast saved like one person in the mob.

Rosania leads the sprint from the city, noticing up ahead that there's a group dressed up in black and blue, led by someone out in front dressed in green. She finally calms down enough to stop running and turn back into herself, and decides not to tell the rest of the party about the group approaching. Jayfice announces that they'll need to find somewhere to shelter for the night and Rosania takes charge, silently leading the group to look for shelter.

Rosania leads them towards a group of trees, and while it would be a satisfactory place to shelter for the night a little voice in the back of her mind tells her to go just a little bit further. Trusting this voice, she leads them past the trees and we eventually arrive at a small, abandoned  town. All of the buildings seem to have taken damage, but most of the buildings would be safe to shelter in. While there does appear to be smoke further in the distance, the party collectively decide to settle in at the abandoned town for the night.

We all head inside the tavern, noticing a rotten carrot and some rotted tatters that may once have been from some extravagant clothing in the corner. Upstairs there seem to be a lot of yuletide decorations, and one room in particular seems to be decked out in yuletide fancies.

During the night, Jayfice wakes up with a weird feeling that something's wrong. They can hear the crunch of snow outside, and sneak over to the window to see what's out there. They see a man standing next to the tavern looking shocked to have seen/heard activity in the town, and as they watch the man begins to cast some kind of spell.

Jayfice sneaks outside to talk to the man, and he explains that he's a potion-seller who lives in the potion-shop across the street. Jayfice offers the man some crackers, and as soon as they hold out the cracker box all the crackers are eaten.

Jayfice spots a fiendish woman and an elvish woman walking around talking, and lures the man inside before spying on the women. They seem to be talking about taking people's souls, and mention "the exiled one", before going their separate ways. Jayfice attempts to follow the elvish woman, but loses track of her in the dark. They go back to the inn and fall asleep again.

Jayfice wakes up again a short time later, hearing what sounds like hooves on the floor somewhere upstairs. They go to check it out and find the fiendish woman from earlier, who demands to know what makes them special enough that the assassin would spare them and change an agreement she made with her. Jayfice admits that they don't know, but that if she wants their soul she can take it. She decides to spare them for now and leaves, and an uneasy Jayfice stays awake watching in case she returns.

As they look out of the window, Jayfice sees someone walking around watching their window, occasionally stopping to flip a coin. Then off in the distance they spot the group Rosania saw before; a group of people dressed up in black and blue, led by someone out in front dressed in green.

This is where we ended the session, although Locke revealed during a conversation afterwards that when I chose for him to be meaner at the start of the session, I was determining the Grey Slaad's AC and how many fireballs he had, essentially making him a tougher opponent. In response to that revelation, I announced "Guess I'll be choosing route B more often!"

[kuriquinn]

Dear Mr. Kuri, thank you so much for your recent post concerning the young artist who was effectively censored from sharing his/her/their art on a particular subject (just... so sad). I was hoping to get your thoughts on how adults might navigate interactions with minors in this space. Specifically, extending our support for their work w/out necessarily... engaging with them. I know this sounds crazy stupid but before tumblr I wasn't really active on any social media and I had no idea (cont'd)

there were so many users under the age of 16 on this site. I've even come to learn that some identified users I had interacted with early on were as young as 13, and as someone in my 30's - tbh that scared the shit out of me. I totally agree that someone that young and impressionable would be crushed by the kind of criticism that poor artist faced, and would likely never create or share again... to their detriment. The thing is though, I feel really hesitant following any creator (cont'd)

that isn't 18 or older... What are your thoughts on following/reblogging/interacting with minors in fandom? I fully agree that they need support, especially from older users who don't care what some stranger on the internet has to say... but I just feel... like I don't know how to go about that the right way. I really REALLY don't want minors on my blog at all... sorry to bother you with this, just wondering how you'd suggest handling this. I didn't comment on the post bc I didn't (cont'd)

want to risk that young artist reading my inquiry and feeling even more alienated. As always, thank you for your time and insight. - Birk

I may go a bit off-topic here, but let me give this a try:

I think in, In the end, it all comes down to communication and mutual respect.

Adults have this pervading mentality that until a child hits 18, they need to be infantilized and sheltered, but once they pass that magical number, then it’s a free for all. So, for eighteen years, it’s all about sticking a Potemkin village in front of any idea, person or situation that a child might find uncomfortable (read: they don’t like the feelings it gives them; very different from actual harmful ideas/persons/situations). Then, these sheltered almost-adults enter public spaces and expect society to keep doing that…when it turns out that’s not how it works, they become toxic.

This is how poisonous movements like purity-culture develop online, or new fans who demonize older fans and adults as being perverts for enjoying the very same pastimes they have.

For those of us interacting with these people, the automatic reaction is to “cancel” that person, thereby alienating and isolating them even more in their bad behavior. Instead of taking the time to talk with and try to show them through actions that the world isn’t limited to what they know.

As adults in fandom, we know that a large majority of the fandom is younger, because we were them once. We were that 12-year-old discovering fanfiction existed or sharing drawings we made of our original Harry Potter characters or quoting our favorite movies and televisions ad infinite. We got shit for it in real life, so we had to create spaces of our own online.

We, in effect, built fandom so that it would be more welcoming for the generations that came after us. And while a lot of us stick to that unwritten knowledge, as the years pass, a lot more become gatekeepers. They set a standard of what a fan must know or do to be considered a “real” fan, and they’re mean about how they do that.

Is it any wonder that new fans coming in experience this behavior and then jump on the “adults in fandom is creepy” bandwagon?

These new fans coming in, especially tweens and teens, they still live in this false reality where they only get to enjoy themselves and be kids for a limited amount of time, and once they Become Adult they have to give it all up—and can’t figure out why all those old creeps online are still a part of such “childish” things.

That fault lies squarely on our society, which pushes kids from a young age to be thinking of what they want to do when they grow up so they can get out there and start producing, producing, producing for the state and becoming a “useful” member of society.

We as fandom veterans, need to do our best to teach them differently, and that comes right back to my point: communication and mutual respect.

Older fans need to respect newcomers, as much as the new baby fans need to learn to respect their fandom elders. There is no maximum age for fandom; there’s no minimum age, either, although the younger the fan, the more their parents should be keeping an eye out for the truly damaging stuff and teaching their kids how to avoid that stuff on their own.

Now, obviously, people don’t always announce online how old they are (though it does happen more frequently now than when I started writing), but regardless, there should be a certain etiquette to it.

When you interact with someone online, you don’t know if they are 15 or 50. And the way you interact with them shouldn’t change based on knowing their age. We should maintain the same level of respect for the new fans as the older fans.

So, as to how adults might navigate interactions with minors (especially when you know they’re minors)?

Treat them as any other intelligent human being: with respect.

Because how else are they going to learn?

My mom always used to say to us, “I’m not raising children, I’m raising adults,” which basically meant she was teaching us how to be adults. Kids don’t pop out of the womb magically knowing how to interact with the world, they take their cues from the adults that are already there.

Fandom babies learn how to be active participants in fandom from the people who are already there. And they’re more likely to listen to and look up to someone that treats them as a mature and capable being, than someone who dismisses them as too young or too green, or dismisses their knowledge and experience because they haven’t earned their metaphorical stripes.

Remember, a lot of these kids are coming to fandom because they need an outlet. In this age of helicopter parents, this is the only place where they get to be treated as an individual adult-in-the-making instead of the overly protected child or student that must be shielded from the world. A lot of them are trying to figure out how to deal with the horrors that happen to them or around them every day. That 16-year-old girl writing a rape/non-con fic under a pseudonym? She could be exorcising her own demons through the only way she has because no one in her life is listening to her. That 14-year-old writing about homelessness might know more about it than someone twice his age.

Expertise and experience knows no age, and as adults, we need to not fall into the trap of thinking it does. There are some kids out there that have seen and endured more than I can even imagine.

In recent years, there’s been this trend of treating kids like sexless beings until we, the adults, deem them capable of having a sense of sexuality. When the reality is, once kids start puberty, they’re developing that sexuality, and are trying to figure out what it means to them and how to navigate it, and the world. It doesn’t matter if adults are uncomfortable with it, this is what our human biology has decided for us.

And chances are, as much as adults try to curate the world and keep kids from seeing the darker, less safe stuff? They’re already doing it. I saw this when I was teaching, the kids are already accessing and interacting with stuff like sex, drugs, relationships… Whenever a faceless censor tries to block that sort of thing, they find a way around it. Humans are funny like that—we want the things that are kept away from us, whether harmful or not.

It’s our responsibility to help them think critically about what they’re seeing, and teach them to express themselves about it in a respectful manner.

So by all means: follow that amazing artist even if they are only 15. Their age doesn’t negate the fact that they have talent that needs to be nurtured and encouraged. Reblog the images and the fics that strike you, even if you find out the person writing it isn’t 18 yet. Send a shoutout via DM or review or comment to someone that you admire whether you know they’re age or not.

Unless you’re being actively creepy and offensive (and seriously, don’t do that, it’s gross whether the recipient is a minor or not), chances are these creators are desperate for some assurance that the medium they choose to express themselves in is having an effect on people—and that they have the power to make even adults sit up and listen.

So…TL;DR:

When interacting with younger fans, do so with respect. And if they say something problematic, don’t automatically cancel them and write them off as “obviously too young and immature to understand”. They understand more than you think and will seek out their interests whether adults think it’s appropriate or not. That’s how freedom works. But if we’re going to nip bad behavior like purity culture and agism in the bud, we need to start by treating minors in fandom as adults developing their worldview, not as infants to be sheltered.  

[onisiondrama]

PART 8 - video #14 & #15

(Click here for video mirrors)

[I just want to note: these are not my thoughts or words. I’m only summarizing what Greg / James is saying in his videos for people that don’t want to listen to him. I had a couple messages in my inbox from people who (I think) misunderstood what I’ve been posting, so I wanted to clarify I’m not defending Greg lol.]

the did nots

- Greg says someone named Kelly wrote him. He asked her to watch one of the many videos about him and tell him what the accusations were because he wants to address them because it’s easy and fun for him. - 4:25 His ex claimed she had a seizure and he was the cause of it. - He asks how could he be the cause of a seizure? Unless he hit someone over the head with a rock. Despite what people say about his brow, he’s not a caveman. - He didn’t call an ambulance and he recorded it for a Youtube video. - Greg says she faked the seizure. She had done it twice before. One of those times when he went to call an ambulance she popped up and snapped out of the seizure. If you met someone like that you’d understand, but it takes life experience to understand who they are. - 6:00 Claimed he groomed an underage person. - Says grooming isn’t calling someone a c-u-n-t. That’s like brushing your hair with razor blades and lemon juice. - 7:38 Greg targets vulnerable people. - Says it doesn’t make any sense. Are all these people damsels in distress? Are they incapable of defending themselves? Sarah was arrested for beating the crap out of a grown man. Not vulnerable, actually scary. So scary he spend the night in the garage because he was afraid she’d murder him. She had a full gremlin face. People like talking without knowing and call themselves reporters. - 8:31 Kai send and received explicit photos. - Says we no, Kai hates p-o-r-n. People make these claims with no evidence. You don’t have to give $20,000 to some a-hole, you just need legitimate concrete evidence. No one does that because no one has it. He’s seen people threaten to fake evidence. He’s seen screen shots of people who want to create fake evidence with deep fakes. If you wanted something done you should have talked to a lawyer and handled it privately, now the case is manipulated and contaminated. The livestreams contaminated everything. It’s a circus. - 8:00 Two people argued over who will take someone’s virginity. - He says “retarded” isn’t a good enough word for that. No one would argue about taking someone’s virginity unless you’re talking past tense. He says that’s totally different. They didn’t take her virginity. Kai did nothing and just layed there. [He talks about the crime against Sarah again.] People shouldn’t say Kai likes CP. That’s crazy, kids are disgusting. Nothing is attractive about them. Snot, my little pony obsession, backpacks, they don’t understand anything in the world. - 9:07 Claimed he instigated and had a threesome with someone then kicked her out shortly after she turned 18. - He says no. He says one person was receiving oral and he made love to the 18 year old but they weren’t kicked out shortly after. They were kicked out when they said he needs to impregnate them when they were “mano y mano” with each other in hopes the three of them would come together and be poly. He realized she didn’t care about the other person. - Greg abused his ex. - He asks if it’s the one that cheated on him and got pregnant with someone else’s baby? One time he called the cops on her because she threatened to kill herself and make it look like he did it. That person? Asks why no one considers the abuse toward him. Threatening to make it look like he murdered her is a crime. If he sold prescription pills, he’d be in jail. Sarah sold pills and she told him her mom tried to set her up to marry a guy for a green card and he’d pay her. Those are crimes. He thinks Sarah’s mom is innocent because after everything Sarah said about them they can’t believe anything. It’s loco Sarah shit. She admitted to doing cocaine too. - He dated Shiloh when she was underage. - He says you finally got something- [he cuts off and nods his head]. She was 17. They were both in areas it was legal and he was 24. The police looked into their relationship and checked stuff and they were good to go. Someone tried to get him in trouble, but he knew the law. When you love someone you don’t worry about taboo. - 11:08 Greg had an affair with her while he was still with Skye. - He says if his pp is 3,000 miles long maybe. He didn’t meet her until he filed for divorce. He says this person is an idiot and is spreading slanderous statements. How can you cheat with someone who is on the other side of the country? He laughs and says Skye’s last name isn’t Tantaga, that’s her username. He got a plane ticket when he was already filed for divorce. - 11:55 Shiloh may have been 16 when they first met. - He says he didn’t even talk to her until November 2010. He says look up her birthday she was 17 1/2. “Fucking facts yo.” Why don’t people care about the truth? -14:24 Greg made videos about ex girlfriends that were filled with lies. - He sarcastically says, “very specific, very proof.” No logic, just say “they lie.” - 22:17 Greg had photos from 12-17 in various states of undress on a forum. - Greg says you could just prove that if it’s true. Everyone forgets that website was 18+ and was heavily moderated. “Fucking idiot.” - 23:50 Greg removed forums because they were being investigated. - He asks what forums? He didn’t have forums and he doesn’t care about Hansen. He’s the one that called the cops on Hansen. The cops weren’t there for Chris Hansen, they told Greg to file an anti-harassment protection order against him. There’s nothing to fear. Chris Hansen is an old man and his last job contract wasn’t renewed because someone sued for $100 million and won. The only things to be afraid of are his douchiness and his creepiness. “Fuckin’ boomer.” - 26:10 Youtuber admits he gets more views when he talks about Onision. - Greg says finally something truthful. When this guy talk about anything that doesn’t have to do with Greg it’s like [thumbs down and laughs]. Greg tells them you know what you do and you don’t actually care. - Greg silences ex girlfriends by threatening to sue. - Greg asks when did this happen? He doesn’t remember that. If he did that it didn’t work. The girls are re-tweeting people threatening to burn his house to the ground. Sarah tweeted she wants to psychically attack him. He says she is going to be no one’s victim because she’s a fighter and he’s scared of her.  - Greg has 7-8 other victims, possibly more. - Greg says that’s a tough sell because these people aren’t his victims, they’re just people he dumped. He says it’s like high school when people break up and they start rumors about each other. Youtube is high school 2.0. - 29:00 Kai is a victim and was underage when the relationship started. - Greg says Kai was 17 1/2, but told Greg he was about to turn 18. When Kai revealed the truth Greg already fell for him. He doesn’t agree with the victim part because they’re still married. This Youtuber should let kai speak for himself and not speak for people and pretend to be their hero. “Douchebag” - 29:10 Greg violated the mann act, accuses him of human trafficking. - Greg says if that happened, then prove it. When and how did he violate the mann act? - 30:15 He forced someone into signing an NDA and forced her to remain silent after they kicked her out. - Greg says Sarah said she wouldn’t sign the NDA unless she gets what she wants, which was sex. Later on she apologized for r-a-p-i-n-g them. He doesn’t know if she denied it yet, but she probably will. What she did was extortion and was a crime. Says this guy should make a hate video about Sarah now if he really gave a shit. - Greg took advantage of Kai because he was a fan, but that’s subjective. - Greg says stop speaking for Kai. Nobody asked Kai. - Greg groomed Kai. - Greg gives the same response. He says Sarah said she wasn’t groomed. She said “if anything I groomed you” and they thought it was funny until it was real. - Kai had a tinder. - Greg says that was for a video. It was a joke. He calls the Youtuber a joke.  - Says he might respond to more because he doesn’t gibe a fuck anymore. He tells people to join OnisionFans.com to DM him questions.

oh my

- He apologizes from the heater noise. He says certain people get mad at him when he turns it off for videos because it makes the house cold. - He’s not sure if he’s being left now for speaking out. He doesn’t know what Kai is going to do now that he’s speaking out. - He wants to talk about the “investigation” (air quotes). He says he doesn’t take it seriously because he knows what actually happened. [Sarah NDA story for the 100th time] If an officer investigated the situation, he would arrest Sarah instead of Greg. Greg also has a witness who was also heavily pressured. You never heard this story from Sarah because she’s a fraud, a liar, she has BPD, she has a number of mental problems. Sarah wouldn’t say anything that would get her in trouble, but Greg said things that might get him into trouble about pressuring Kai. He did that because he felt bad for Sarah, but he should have had no sympathy for her like her mother. Her mother saw her for who she really was, one of the most toxic people he’s ever met. [Locked himself in the garage story.] When Sarah’s mad at you her eyes go from brown to black. - He says a lot of people will agree with him because it’s common sense. About Hansen and his crew, you don’t talk about a open investigations. You don’t try to monetize people’s pain when you’re trying to pursue them legally. You’re supposed to catch them by surprise.  - He says when Chris had a show about people who went after 12 year olds, Chris didn’t warn them and tell them he was looking into them. He didn’t make a 9 month series about how terrible they are, then tell them he’ll go to their house to get them. He says it doesn’t make any sense. - Chris is getting donations and ad revenue. These girls feel sorry for themselves because they were dumped. Now they’re vengeful and malicious and they want to get back at him because they probably still want to be with him. If he never dumped them, would they still be together? They never dumped him except when Shiloh dumped him for h-e-n-t-a-i. He thinks they would still be together. Why are they only mad at him after he rejects them? - Hansen is paid to say there is a crime here. Greg saw Hansen allegedly stated he didn’t care about any of them and just wanted money, but he doesn’t believe that. He also saw Hansen hired someone named Anonymous Gene to dox Greg and his whole family. Greg says that doesn’t make sense to dox his whole family. It takes an evil person to do that.  - When you have an investigation, you are supposed to stay silent then you catch them by surprise, take their stuff, and try to find something that would prove they’re guilty so they don’t have time to hide anything. - He has never spoken to Regina before as far as he knows. He thinks Regina is ugly. When Regina started talking to Kai when Kai was 17 so anything Regina has to say in nonsensical because of their ages. Kai denied anything was exchanged and isn’t interested in p-o-r-n. Kai is a beta male cuck, nervous, scared, anxiety disorder person, which is why he didn’t want Greg to talk about anything. Regina is a scumbag, horrible human. Regina is now working for Hansen and that’s a conflict of interest. You can’t have a witness work with someone who is making money going after someone. That’s absolute corruption. - Now people are saying they have evidence on him, they have a laptop. Spoiler alert, if you have evidence you tell someone they have it so they can get a warrant. It’s ridiculous because he has nothing of interest, but if he did the audience would have tipped him off forever ago. This was all handled horribly. He saw the other day he saw a public figure say”I hope we get this guy” with no evidence that Greg is guilty. You can’t do that, that’s slander. - The person who had the laptop before Sarah was a woman and she would have never looked at CP. It went from a woman, to another woman who apparently held onto CP for years, said she brought it to the police who did nothing, got it back, sent it to Vince, Vince sent it back. Vince got fired and changed Chris Hansen’s site to his mugshot. Greg says he was told Chris Hansen’s site now redirects to OnisionFans.com. He thinks that’s weird and funny. - Sarah started off by saying she was not groomed and only had her feelings hurt. Then people started working her up and her story progressively became something else. - This is the sloppiest investigation he’s seen in his life. He can’t believe the lack in professionalism. This isn’t a reality show, it’s real life. Greg is worried for Hansen because he put his whole career on this [he lists Hansen’s financial troubles] and if he doesn’t find something legit he’s screwed.  - [Sarah laying in his lap story.] Greg thanks Sarah for describing his junk as “perfect.” “It’s just so perfect.” [Sarah being loud story again.] He says she complained he didn’t use the wand on her after he broke up with her. [He shrugs.] Says he meant to but didn’t get around to it. - So your investigation is a guy who had sex with an 18 1/2 year old? This person sexually extorted and blackmailed them. You should investigate her. [He lists supposed crimes she committed.] Greg said she had no idea these were crimes until he told her. “Idiot.”

[is-this-a-skam-account]

“Anything You Want”

5 Times Lucas Ran Into Eliott, and the One Time Eliott Runs Into Lucas

Or, Eliott is the really hot yard worker Mika has hired, and Lucas is trying to find a summer fling but may be way in over his head.

1.

Lucas is certain there is nothing to do in this small excuse for a town. Every year of his life, for every summer since he was five, he has been doing the same things over and over. Going to the movies, going to the pool, going to get ice cream, or, his personal favorite, spending a night in with his friends. With only one small village within a twenty mile radius, there really isn’t anything to do. Now he is eighteen, the summer before his college years, and he has never been more bored out of his mind. He is sitting in his room at 9:21 just staring blankly at the wall, mind completely empty.  

He already reached out to his friends, yet all of them were either at work or at a family-function.  Lucas was thankful, however, that his roommates were out for the day. That left Lucas alone to strut around the unbearably hot house in nothing more than one of Yann’s large t-shirts Lucas had stolen and his boxers.

Lucas finally finds the strength to get out of bed and get himself something cold to eat. Preferably ice cream.

He grabs his phone off the nightstand, opening Instagram as he walks into the kitchen. He swallows hard and his grip tightens on the phone when his ex-boyfriend’s account is the first thing he sees. Oliver and Lucas broke up just a couple months ago, around April. Well, really it was Oliver that broke up with him. Lucas was confused as to why Oliver chose to break up, but then, when Lucas saw Oliver holding hands with another guy two days later, Lucas realized how stupid he had been. Obviously, he had been seeing someone behind his back. Thinking back on it, Lucas should have seen the signs. He should have noticed that they hadn’t been hanging out as often together. Oliver stopped spending nights with Lucas, always making an excuse why he would have to go home so early. Leaving the relationship left Lucas feeling hollow. He was left feeling like he wasn’t good enough for Oliver, that he didn’t satisfy all his boyfriend’s needs, even when he knew that wasn’t true.

There is still a pang of hurt that runs through Lucas’ heart when he sees the newest photo Oliver posted with his new boyfriend. Oliver had been the one to stand by Lucas during his coming out, so obviously there is still some attachments there.

Lucas turns his phone off and places it face down on the counter as he reaches into the freezer. He fishes out his small tub of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream before grabbing a spoon and going to sit on the couch and watch some Netflix. He doesn’t mind these lazy days, where he doesn’t go out and do anything, where he can stay home, binge watch any show, and maybe make a couple stains on the couch that Mika will later complain about.

He’s eventually is pulled back to Instagram by the times he’s on episode 3 of Grace and Frankie. He has a few messages from Emma, as well as a few from the meme group chat he has with the guys. Lucas opens up Emma’s message and the first thing he sees is possibly the most gorgeous man he has ever laid eyes on. He immediately clicks on the post, pleasant to find that it’s a video. Lucas nearly laughs at how stupid it is, some guitar sound playing in the background as the guy zooms in on his eye. But, dear god, is that guy attractive. Lucas closes the post to see what else Emma sent him.

@em.brgs: i think he is the most gorgeous person i have ever seen.

Lucas laughs before responding.

@lucallemant: i second that notion.

@lucallemant: why don’t you slide into those DMs. Been a while since you got dicked down ever since Alex moved away.

Lucas doesn’t expect a response so fast, but before he knows it his phone is vibrating with notifications.

@em.brgs: oh you’re one to talk. You just think you’re soo funny.

@lucallemant: i am, thank you.

@em.brgs: he’s so hot he makes me want to stab a pencil in my eye.

@lucallemant: well if you do that i really don’t think you’ll have a chance with him.

@em.brgs: haha, that’s so funny Lucas thank you for the self esteem boost.

@lucallemant: what i’m here for.

@em.brgs: and anyways, even if i was going to DM him (which i’m not because i’m not that desperate, unlike some people Lucas) it seems like he just got out of a relationship. I don’t go after guys who are looking for a rebound

@lucallemant: right, you just go after guys who are already in a relationship.

@em.brgs: hey! That has happened only twice!

@lucallemant: round of applause for emma everybody.

@em.brgs: ugh, whatever, i’m going to go message Manon about your non existent love life.

@lucallemant: have fun!

Lucas snickers as he exits the messages. He trains his attention back on the TV and takes another scoop of ice cream. About thirty minutes, and a whole lot of chocolate, later a loud buzzing noise jolts Lucas out of whatever summer-induced-TV-show-daze he was under. Usually he is able to just brush off the noises of his neighbors getting the lawns mowed in the middle of the day, but this sounded like it was literally coming from right outside his window. He placed the ice cream on the coffee table before getting up (begrudgingly) from the Lucas shaped divett he had made in the couch. He leaned over the love seat in order to reach the curtains he had closed when settling down to watch TV. Lucas peeled them back just enough to peer outside into their front lawn. He furrowed his eyebrows when he saw a guy mowing their lawn; what the hell was the guy doing? Lucas ran to their front door, getting ready to tell the guy off and ask him to leave. He had his hand on the doorknob when he spotted the note taped to the door. It was written in Mika’s handwriting.

“Lucas,” it read, “don’t forget that I have hired someone to do work on our lawn/garden this summer.” Lucas had forgotten, “he is coming by today around noon and will be coming by every saturday for the next few weeks. The payment is on the back of this letter and he will ask for it when he’s done. Also, make sure to give him something to drink after, just to be polite. AND DON’T BE AN IDIOT.”

Lucas drew his lips in a line after he finished reading the letter. He had totally forgotten about that conversation with Mika. Though, in his defense, you really shouldn’t have important conversations with people who are obviously drunk and just gotten home from a party.

He flops back down with a huff, resting his head against the wall behind the couch. Part of Lucas really wants to go back to the window and watch the guy out in the yard. In those few moments Lucas was watching him, he seemed to be extremely attractive. Well, that much Lucas could tell from his toned arms and lean build, legs that seemed to go on forever, and high cheekbones somewhat hid from view by a worn-out baseball cap. (Don’t judge him, he hasn’t allowed himself to ogle any eye candy ever since his breakup with Oliver). Lucas scoffed at his inner monologue and instead opted to make some lemonade; try and take his mind off his meaningless existence. If Mika was going to make him give the guy something to drink, might as well be something sweet.  

Lucas hooked up to the speaker in the kitchen as he walked in. He immediately started blasting his favorite artists: Nirvana, the Stones, Beatles, and, of course, the Clash. His friends always call him cliche for his taste in “old-style” music, but Lucas doesn’t really care. He sways his hips and jumps around the kitchen as he gathers the supplies for lemonade. He’s practically belching out the songs as he mixes the drink together and adds the ice cubes to help chill it. Oliver never liked Lucas’s taste in music, so they would always listen to his playlist made up of rap and hip hop. Not that Lucas has anything against those genres, they just don’t happen to be his favorites.

He’s about to pour the lemonade into two glasses when there is a knock at the door. Lucas glances at the drink and the door a few times before deciding to just pour it into the cups later and get the door first. Lucas obviously doesn’t think before opening the door, because as soon as he does he becomes painfully aware he’s still just in his boxers and t-shirt. Lucas becomes even more embarrassed when he comes face-to-face with the most godly human he has ever seen. Well, actually he has seen the face once before. On Instagram. Just a couple hours earlier. Lucas has to mentally make sure his jaw doesn’t drop open. He didn’t think it was physically possible for someone to be more attractive in real life than on social media, but somehow this guy managed to pull it off. Truly, he had everything. The height which made Lucas feel small (usually Lucas would protest this, but honestly it was kind of a turn on). He had the eyes which pierced into Lucas and made him melt on the spot. He had the perfectly shaped lips, a sharp jawline, even fucking perfect eyes.

“Uh, hi,” the guy says after a couple seconds of silence (and, it might be Lucas’s subconscious, but he swears he sees the guy trail his eyes up and down, soaking in everything Lucas is presenting at the moment), “you must be Mika? We talked over the phone.” He offers his hand and Lucas takes it.

“Oh, no, sorry I’m Lucas. Mika is my roommate. Well, one of them.” Lucas says and leans against the doorway. Lucas tries his best not to choke as he now blatantly sees the guy drag his eyes up Lucas’s form. He feels like he could drown in that gaze.

“Did he happen to leave any, uh, money as payment? Sorry I hate to be so pushy…”

Lucas jumps like he’d been burned and reaches behind the door for the note, grabbing the money. “No don’t apologize. Sorry, I forgot,” Lucas laughs awkwardly as he hands the envelope over. He takes it gratefully, “I didn’t catch your name.” Lucas says after neither of them make a move to walk away.

“I’m Eliott.”

Pretty name for a pretty guy, Lucas thinks. There is a blush creeping onto Eliott’s face which makes Lucas painfully aware he had just said that aloud. Lucas coughs to try and clear up the tension, “um, I made some lemonade. Would you want a glass?”

“I would, but I actually need to get going. I have another lawn I need to be at.”

Lucas nods, “well, I could give it to you in a to-go cup?”

That makes Eliott chuckle, “guess I can’t say no to that.”

Lucas smiles and offers Eliott to come in. He does so and Lucas closes the door behind them. Eliott finds his way to the kitchen with Lucas following closely behind. He lunges for his phone to turn off the music that was still blaring, a blush creeping on his face. He fumbles with it for a few seconds before turning back to Eliott.

“Sorry, uh, I was getting hype in the kitchen making this lemonade I guess.” Lucas jokes.

Eliott laughs, “I know, I could hear you from outside.”

Lucas blushes at that and forces himself to look away and get out one of their cardboard coffee cups. “Well, at least I was giving you something good to listen to.” Lucas comments as he pours the lemonade into their respective cups. As he turns around he briefly catches Eliott staring at a place a little south from his head and shoulders, which makes Lucas cock his eyebrow and hand the drink over.

“Thank you, for the drink.” Eliott says as they walk back to the door, “not so much for the music.”

“What do you have against my music?” Lucas asks offended as he opens the door and Eliott walks out.

Eliott shrugs, “nothing, just a little corny is all.”

Lucas rolls his eyes, “guess you’ll just have to play me your superior music taste next them then.”

“Guess so,” he says it with a wink, “bye, Lucas.”

2.

Lucas regretfully wasn’t there the following Saturday when Eliott was supposed to come by. He had picked up an extra shift at the coffee shop after Imane said she had an emergency to take care of. The shift wasn’t too busy, since most people don’t want hot coffee on days when it’s over 100 degrees. He spent the majority of the time sitting up by the register and fooling around with his coworker, Tyler.

Tyler was actually how Oliver and Lucas had met, since they were friends and Oliver came in to get a cup of coffee during Tyler’s shift. Oliver started flirting with Lucas, Lucas left a little note on the coffee cup for Oliver and the rest is history. Lucas was terrified that the breakup would affect his relationship with Tyler as a coworker, but it turns out Tyler was super chill and didn’t really care. He even said that Oliver was a douche at times, and that Lucas deserved someone better.

“Any big summer plans?” Lucas asks.

Tyler sighs and leans against the opposing counter from Lucas, “not really, college starts pretty soon for me so I have to start getting all that stuff ready. What about you?”

“I wish I could say I had something big planned, like a road trip. But sadly this summer is just as boring as the rest.” Lucas groans and rolls his head back.

Tyler laughs, “how’s Yann and the gang?”

“Good, they’ve been pretty busy though. Basile just got together with Daphne-”

“What?! That loser finally got together with her? Damn, Basile.”

Lucas laughs, “I know, it was a long time coming to be honest. He’d been pining after her since second year.”

“Well,” Tyler pauses, “I guess if they make each other happy…”

Lucas nods, “I can’t say I’m not jealous. Last summer I was the part of the annoyingly touchy couple.”

Tyler draws his lips in a line, “maybe you can still find that this summer. Anybody catch your eye?”

Lucas shrugs, “I wish. I miss being in a relationship sometimes. What about you though? How’s Clare?”

“She’s good, little difficult with her studying in the US though. I miss-”

Tyler is cut off by the ringing of a doorbell which signals the entry of a customer. Lucas immediately goes into full customer mode saying on instinct “welcome to Coral Cafe, how may I help you?” as Tyler rushes over to the area where they actually assemble the drinks. Lucas doesn’t look up right away as he fiddles with something on the cash register screen, getting ready to place in the order. When he does finally look up he feels his stomach clench and heart pick up all at once.

“Oh, hey! Lucas, right?” Eliott says as he continues his track to the register. Lucas feels like his legs are giving out, “I didn’t know you work here.”

Lucas couldn’t stop his eyes from drifting over to the girl standing beside Eliott, his arm around her shoulders. She’s beautiful, is the first thing Lucas notices. She has seemingly silky hair, large chocolate colored eyes, amazing bone structure, and her smile lit up the room. He just got out of a long-term relationship, he hears Emma’s voice in his head. Lucas has to visibly shake his head, it’s not like Eliott was interested in him. He’s mowing their lawn for god sakes. They had one conversation that’s it.

“Lucas, you good?” He hears Tyler call from his station just about a few feet away.

Lucas looks over at him, smiling and nodding before turning back to his customers, “hey, Eliott. Uh, what can I get you?”

“I’ll take a caramel frappuccino,” Eliott says and Lucas has to look down to hide his smile. Of course, the sweetest thing on their menu. “And uh, Lucille, what do you want?”

Lucas looks up, waiting for the request. She hums for a second as she looks over the menu; taking about an eternity to decide. Lucas sighs quietly and his eyes automatically trail over to Eliott. He feels his breath catch at the gaze Eliott has locked him in, basically drilling him to the spot. Lucas’s heart picks up, and he doesn’t dare look away. He could stand there for hours. It doesn’t help that the backdrop lighting from the windows illuminates Eliott like some ethereal being. And Eliott knows the effect that he’s having on Lucas, he’s obviously not an idiot. What Lucas wouldn’t give to knock that smirk off his face...

“I’ll take a,” Lucille’s voice drags him back to reality, “brownie. I’m not a big coffee drinker.”

Lucas nods and puts the order into the register. He states their total and Eliott fishes out his credit card. As he’s passing it over, their fingers momentarily brush and that meer touch has Lucas spiraling. He isn’t even sure he can swipe their credit card his head is spinning so much. He does it successfully, however, and passes the card back before walking over to grab them a  brownie from their pastry selection. As he does so he can feel Tyler’s gaze on him.

Tyler takes a few steps closer to Lucas and bumps their shoulders, whispering a quick “you okay?”

God, am I that obvious? Lucas wonders to himself before giving a nod and walking back over. He passes the brownie to Lucille and gives Eliott a quick wave as they walk away. That was the longest two minutes of his entire life.

When the two finally leave the coffee shop, neither of them sending another glance Lucas’s way, he feels like he can finally breathe again.

He lets out an audible sigh, guess Eliott got back together with his girl is a brief thought that crosses Lucas’s mind. Then again, it wasn’t really his place to worry about it.

“Lucas, dude, you okay?” Tyler asks and walks back over.

Lucas takes a breath in before answering, “yeah, why?”

He shrugs, “nothing, you just totally stiffened up when that guy entered. Something happen between you two? A hookup?”

Lucas whips his head around, “a hookup?! Why would you think that?”

Tyler frowns, “that dude was totally fucking you with his eyes dude. Like, hardcore. And I’m not usually good at spotting that stuff but like holy shit. His gaze even had me affected.”

Lucas rolls his eyes, “whatever. My shift is about to end, so I won’t have to deal with your bullshit for that much longer,” he laughs.

Tyler scoffs, “c’mon, you like me.” Tyler sing-songs as he wraps his arms around Lucas from behind.

Lucas wriggles out of the grip with a laugh, “right, in your dreams.”

When Lucas gets home from his shift at the coffee shop he spends an hour or so chilling with Mika and a very quiet Lisa in the living room. They watch whatever comes on TV because they can’t find the remote, which Lucas finds hilarious. Mostly, though, Mika is walking Lucas through his dating app and trying to convince Lucas to download it to get a new boyfriend or “even a friends with benefits” as Mika put it. Lucas found it easier to tune him out the longer the conversation dragged on for.

It’s not like Lucas would mind a fling. He’s never been “flung” his whole eighteen years of life, only ever being in one long-term relationship. He wonders what it would be like in a fling. From what he’s gathered it’s mostly talking and sex and talking and sex, which Lucas would not mind. Something like that for the summer before his college years would be a-okay with him.

“Lucas,” Mika whistles and waves his hand in front of his face to grab his attention.

Lucas blinks and shifts his gaze over, “sorry, I got lost in thought. As you were saying?”

Mika raises an eyebrow, “what got you so wrapped up there, kitten?”

Lucas shrugs, “nothing really, I was just thinking about what it would be like in a ‘fling.’ What is it like?” Lucas asks, knowing that Mika wouldn’t have any problem sharing his oh-so-many stories.

Mika shifts and brings his legs up to his chin, “well, it’s really nice in the beginning. The flame lasts longer than just a one night stand, but not as long as a honeymoon phase of a long-term relationship if you can understand?” Lucas nods, “it’s nice because you both don’t get sick of each other, since you both sort of know it’s going to end soon. The sex is usually awesome, but so is the talking. Everything evens itself out.”

Lucas hums, “that sounds nice.”

Mika smirks, “oh, yeah? Well, the problem is you can’t really get attached, since you have to have a mutual understanding that it’s going to end. That’s been a problem with some of my past flings.”

“Oh, for you?” Lucas wonders.

Mika scoffs, “no, kitten, for the other guy. People just can’t stay away from me.”

Lucas rolls his eyes and stands from the couch, “alright, that’s enough for me, I’m heading in.”

“What?! But it’s only seven!” Mika complains.

Lucas shrugs, “sorry, guess you’ll just have to talk to Lisa about your dating profile. Night, guys.”

Lucas obviously doesn’t go to sleep right away. Nope, he spends a few minutes changing into sweats and then the next hour or so scrolling through and switching between the same six apps over and over. It isn’t until about ten that the group chat of him and the gang starts to get active, and begin discussing if they want to have a small get together at Arthur’s place since his parents are out of town. Lucas isn’t one to say no, especially after not seeing the gang for the past week or so. He quickly changes into his signature “romance” hoodie and faded jeans before sneaking out of the house and grabbing his bike to take to Arthur’s. By the time Lucas arrives the boys are already two beers in and in the middle of a very intense video game that looks like it would give Lucas a seizure if he concentrated on it for too long. Lucas, instead, opted for nursing a beer in the small loveseat adjacent to the couch, Yann next to him.

It isn’t until the pizza gets there that they actually start up a conversation, mostly about how Basile and Daphne are doing. Though, when that conversation goes under they turn to Lucas for amusement.

“Any guys catching your eyes this summer, Lucas?” Arthur wonders aloud.

Lucas groans at the question, “everyone’s been pestering me about relationships. What’s with that this summer?”

“Well, it is the summer before we all head of to college.” Yann comments.

“Yeah! We just want our Lucas to get some good dick so he isn’t all grumpy the coming school year!” Basile adds.

Arthur butts in, shaking his head disapprovingly at Basile, “bro, seriously, sense the conversation. It’s like you’re not even talking about the same thing.” Basile grumbles and downs his beer in retaliation.

Lucas laughs at his friends before sighing into his beer, “I mean I want to be in a relationship, but maybe that’s my problem. Maybe I’m just looking for it too hard.”

“I can help set you up with someone, I have a few acquaintances who would be more than happy to satisfy you, Lucas.” Arthur offers with a playful wink.

“No, no, I think what our boy needs is an old fashioned night in the town. How about we just chill here, have a few more beers, than head to that bar we all like,” Yann offers.

Lucas nods and reluctantly gets up from his spot on the couch, “I think we’re all out of beers. I’ll just run out real fast and get us some.” They all agree and pass Lucas a couple dollars to help split the coast.

Lucas takes his time walking to the store, even opting for the one that’s an extra block away. He loves his friends, he really does. But it’s not like he needs or wants their help in finding him a boyfriend. That’s always been a topic really private to him, at least in the beginning. Eventually everyone starts questioning “why do you have hickeys on your neck?” or “where were you over the weekend?” Which, granted, they should have those questions but usually Lucas likes to keep the beginning as much of a secret as possible, just in case anything goes under.

Lucas walks into the store, and nearly getting blinded by the overly bright fluorescent lights.  He immediately beelines for the back and grabs the cheapest case of beer available. He digs out his phone as he heads back to the register located at the front of the store. Lucas snickers when he sees he has a new message from Emma. He opens it up to find another shared post of the guy from before. Or the guy who now has a name: Eliott. Lucas feels his heart pick up as he opens the post. The lighting in this photo is even better than the last one. His bone structure is to die for, not to mention those eyes-

Lucas is sent flying backwards, his phone falling out of his hand and onto the ground when he accidentally collides with someone as he turns the corner. He frantically apologizes, trying to locate his phone as quickly as possible. As he sees the guy turn around. Lucas’ eyes shoot up and he feels his mouth run dry. This was not happening to him. It couldn’t be.

“Oh, Lucas! Long time no see,” Eliott chuckles.

Lucas gives an awkward laugh, “yeah sorry, uh, I guess I wasn’t watching where I was going.”

Eliott smirks and bends down to pick up his phone, “distracted I see.” Eliott glances at what is on the screen and Lucas feels like he is ready to implode, he was looking at Eliott! “Well, at least you were looking at something worthwhile, huh?” He passes the phone back over.

“You know, I would try to explain it, but I think I would just be digging my own grave,” Lucas blushes.

Eliott laughs, and the sound echoes in Lucas’ ears, “I always appreciate an admirer. Especially one as cute as you.” Lucas feels himself choke on nothing, if he tried to respond he isn’t sure anything would even come out. Eliott breaks the silence as he nods at what Lucas is carrying, “party tonight?”

“Oh, um, no not really. Just me and the guys are chilling at Arthur’s place.” Lucas pauses and glances at what Eliott is holding in the basket, “wow, big homecooked feast planned there?”

Eliott laughs, “no, no. I can’t cook to save my own life if I’m being honest. It’s actually Lucille who offered to cook dinner, but she’s vegan so...lots of greens and other things in this basket.”

Lucas feels his heart constrict at the mention of Lucille’s name. But just as the feeling came on Lucas had to remind himself that for the love of God he doesn’t have any reason to be jealous, it’s not like Eliott would even be interested in Lucas. “That’s nice of her,” Lucas manages to say.

Eliott nods, “we haven’t seen each other in a while. I just moved back into town so,”

“Oh, where’d you move from?” Lucas wonders.

“I went to Paris for a modelling gig, then came back here.”

A model, of course! “Oh, that’s awesome. Is modelling what you want to do?”

Eliott shrugs, “I guess it’s an option. What I really want to get into is art.”

Lucas raises his eyebrows in surprise, Eliott hadn’t really struck him as an artistic type, “that’s awesome, dude!”

Eliott smiles, “thanks. Y’know I can do art, but I can’t seem to find the stupid sugar in this place,” Eliott says exasperated.

Lucas laughs, “I can help you if you want?”

“Would you mind?”

Lucas shakes his head, “of course not! Is it just sugar?”

Eliott bites at his bottom lip, and Lucas can’t help but watch. His eyes finally manage their way back up to Eliott’s eyes and...is that...a blush on his cheeks? “Actually, it’s sugar, brown sugar, brussel sprouts and spinach.”

Lucas smirks, “wow, guess you really do suck at grocery shopping.”

“I told you,”

Lucas laughs and thinks for a couple moments, “so sugar and brown sugar should be in the isle…” he lets his voice trail off as his eyes scan the shelves, falling on what he was looking for. He jumps into action, grabbing both off the shelves before turning back to Eliott, “so here’s these two. You really didn’t see these?” Lucas laughs as Eliott places them in his cart.

Eliott scoffs, “I guess I was too distracted by a certain someone crashing into me.”

“Alright, point taken.” Lucas laughs, “I think that brussel sprouts would be in the frozen foods section, which is just two isles over. And...spinach should probably be there too.”

“Thanks, Lucas, don’t know what I would have done without you,” Eliott says.

He shrugs, “I guess you probably would have just been stuck here wandering around for the next hour or so.”

That made Eliott laugh, “you’re probably right.” Lucas is just about ready to say his goodbyes when Eliott stops him, holding his arm as he tries to walk past, “I’m hosting a somewhat small party at my place next sunday, would you want to come? You could bring your friends if you wanted to.”

Something inside Lucas almost wanted to tease Eliott, have himself play hard to get and just see what the other’s reaction would be. Instead Lucas smiles and says “of course, I can get the information from you next saturday. Sound good?”

Eliott nods, “sounds perfect. Bye, Lucas.”

3.

Next Saturday it’s raining cats and dogs outside. Lucas is immediately disappointed, knowing that Eliott probably won’t show up while it’s raining like this. Though, not that Lucas would object to that. He wouldn’t mind to have some eye candy today, he sorta needs a pick-me-up.  

Mika spent the night at a “friends” house and Manon had left early to have, what Lucas could only guess was, a heated discussion with Charles. Lisa had...disappeared. To be honest, Lucas never really knows where she is. When he got up he had no idea what time it was. The sun was shrouded by the dark clouds, casting even darker shadows over the bleak town.

It’s almost twelve by the time Lucas makes his way into the kitchen. His eyes are still half closed as he fumbles through their cupboards looking for the bread. Lucas gives up on his search after what feels like an eternity of looking. He opts for the couch instead, the ol’ reliable. As he sits down he doesn’t jump to turn on the TV, or to turn on his phone, instead he sits there listening to the rain. It sounds like someone pounding ruthlessly on the window with how hard the rain was hitting it. He lets his head roll back and his eyes drift close. He thinks about just falling asleep on the couch, it wouldn’t be the first time.  

He can feel his subconscious taking over, or actually he can pinpoint the exact moment his subconscious takes over, because of the image of Oliver that appears on his eyelids. Lucas can immediately recognize the memory. It’s of their first real date, they had gone to the park after Lucas got off work. Oliver had packed them a picnic, and Lucas thought it was the most romantic thing ever. They had laughed practically all day, not once was there an awkward silence or even a moment that passed where Lucas felt like he didn’t belong. It all just felt so right. That was the day that Lucas felt like he was falling in love for the first time.

His eyes fluttered open, tears streaming his cheeks. He wiped them away violently, and rubbed his eyes with the sleeve of his sweatshirt. He seriously had to get over that prick. He knew it, his friends knew it, even Tyler knew it. Yet Lucas found it so hard to let go. There is a difference between being in love and falling in love, it seems. Lucas is obviously in love with his mom and his friends, maybe even Mika (though that may be stretching it a little). That type of love is guaranteed. You are guaranteed to love your friends in a way that is indescribable. But with Oliver, it was like falling in love was brand new. It made Lucas’s heart beat faster and his pupils dilate. It made his palms sweat and hairs stand on end. And then it was all gone.

A loud knock at the door startled Lucas out of his daze. It audibly made him gasp and jump off of the couch. He took another second to compose himself, and wiped under his eyes a final time before walking to the door. He unlocks the deadbolt and swings the door open just as a large gust of wind and rain hits him in the face. He blinks his eyes back open against the rain, sort of waiting for the person at the door to say something.

“Lucas, you okay?”

He would recognize that voice anywhere, “Eliott,” Lucas breathes out, like it’s the first time saying his name.

When Lucas doesn’t say anything else Eliott laughs, “that is me. Uh, may I come in? I’m sort of getting soaked.”

Lucas nods frantically and opens the door wide enough for Eliott to step through. As he’s slipping off his shoes and hanging his jacket by the door, Lucas asks, “what are you doing here? You can’t really work on the yard in this weather.”

“I know, but, I told you that I would give you the information for my party tomorrow. I didn’t really want to disappoint.” Eliott smiles over his shoulder.

Lucas bites at his bottom lip, trying to remind himself he shouldn’t get too excited, that Eliott isn’t here to just hang out. “Oh, thanks,” Lucas mumbles and closes the door.

“Sorry, is it a bad time? I can go…”

“No! No! You’re fine, why do you ask?”

Eliott shrugs, “you’re eyes are a little red. Either you’ve been smoking something or you’ve been crying.”

Lucas cringes and, on instinct, goes to wipe his eyes. He isn’t really sure what he’s trying to do, maybe wipe the redness away, “oh, yeah. I wasn’t smoking anything,” Lucas laughs, though that just made him sound pathetic.

Eliott pauses and they are suddenly surrounded by a very tense silence in the middle of a very small entrance. “I won’t ask for any details, since we aren’t that close, but if you want to talk…”

Lucas smiles, “thanks, I’ll keep that in mind.” Lucas nods his head in the direction of the living room and they start heading that way.

“It’s a nice place,” Eliott comments as they take their places on the couch.

Lucas laughs, “you’ve been in here before!”

“I know, but I didn’t really get to appreciate the structure and composition of the rooms-”

“Okay, okay, we get it you’re an artist.”

Eliott laughs, but slowly it dies away and they are left once again in a rough silence. “So, Sunday,” Eliott begins, finally breaking their pause, “it’s going to be super chill. It’s just going to be like thirty people tops, it starts around 7-8pm, though who knows when people will actually show up. And my house is just a couple streets away from here.”

Lucas smirks, “you came all the way over here to tell me that?”

Eliott shrugs, “no, I came all the way over here, in the rain, mind you, to hang out with the cute and devilishly handsome guy who lives in a house I work for.”

“Oh, you must be looking for Mika then,” Lucas jokes, “sorry he’s not in today-”

“Lucas!” Eliott exclaims in laughter, “I obviously meant you.”

Lucas bites his lip and looks away from the searing gaze Eliott has on him. Lucas doesn’t know how much more of this he can take before he combusts. “How do you do that?” Lucas asks. “Do what?”

“Flirt like that when you obviously still have a girlfriend?” Lucas asks. He nearly regrets the words as soon as they come out of his mouth because of the shocked look which appears on Eliott’s face.

“Lucas, I don’t-” Eliott begins, but then his words fade off into a very quiet “oooooh.” Lucas raises an eyebrow at him as he enters into a fit of laughter.

“What? What’d I say?” Lucas asks.

“Lucas, Lucille is not my girlfriend. She’s my adopted sister.” Eliott laughs again.

Lucas feels the color drain from his face as he mumbles a nearly quiet “oh my god,” followed by his cheeks erupting into flames. “I’m so stupid,” Lucas groans and goes to cover his face with his hands.

Lucas feels his face heat up even more and he rocks back and forth in embarrassment. “I can’t believe I just did that,” Lucas says as Eliott’s hands go to wrap around his wrists and pull his hands away from his face.

“You were jealous! That’s adorable.” Eliott laughs.

Lucas groans again, but this time can’t hide his face in his hands since Eliott still has grip on them, “I was not jealous! I’ve talked to you like three times before today! How could I be jealous?”  Lucas groans and pushes himself off the couch “what do you say we forget that all just happened and have a beer?”

“At 11 o’clock? Of course!”

Within just an hour they had both downed three beers, which actually isn’t too bad. But Lucas had ulterior motives. Because everytime he closed his eyes, Oliver appeared as a very real, very vivid image. He hoped that the alcohol would completely erase him from his mind. Luckily, Lucas had Eliott to help distract him as he told Lucas a story about one of his friends puking on a girl in a very animated way. Lucas appreciated the distraction, though he almost felt guilty in using Eliott to take his mind off Oliver.

The more Lucas drank, the more easy-going he became. He was able to laugh and joke around with Eliott. He told him a couple things he’d never told anyone, not even Yann.

“I’m still trying to get over my ex, who broke up with me and was fucking someone on the side the whole time,” Lucas says.

“I’m bipolar.”

“I broke up my best friend and his girlfriend because I thought I had a crush on him,” Lucas takes of sip of his current beer.

“I cheated on my ex-girlfriend more times than I can count.”

Lucas scoffs, “okay, at least you’re a worse human than I am.” He snickers when Eliott chucks a pillow at him. “I used a girl as a beard for a while,” Lucas mumbles.

“What do you mean?” Eliott asks and looks at Lucas through his half closed eyes.

“You know, when a gay guy uses a girl to pretend that he’s still straight? Wow, you didn’t know what that was/?”

Eliott shakes his head, “oh, I knew what it meant. I just wanted to be certain you were gay before I did this.” Eliott says and pulls out a joint from his pocket. Lucas tries not to think how long that’s been in there. He lights it using a lighter that had been left out of their coffee table.

Lucas watches as Eliott leans forward, closing the distance between them. Lucas doesn’t go to turn away, too caught up in everything Eliott. Eliott’s eyes holding him in place. Eliott’s hand snaking around his waist. Eliott’s other hand placing the lit joint between his soft lips. Eliott as he blows out, releasing a vast amount of smoke between them. Lucas opens his mouth and breathes in, holding the smoke as Eliott pulls the joint from his lips, and only releasing when he knows for sure Eliott is watching.

Lucas takes the initiative, pulling Eliott’s head down to meet his. Their kiss is chaotic. It’s messy. Full of lips and tongue. Lucas barely registers Eliott grounding the lit joint into the ashtray until both of Eliott’s hands are free and they come up to Lucas’s waist, pulling them closer. There is absolutely nothing soft in their movements as Eliott lays Lucas on his back. Eliott nips at the soft skin of Lucas’s neck, trailing hot kisses back up to Lucas’s jaw. Lucas doesn’t think through his movements as he pulls Eliott’s shirt off, followed by his own. Their mouths crash together, as if the mere two seconds they were separated was a decade. A moan is pulled from Lucas’s lips as Eliott grinds down, providing much needed friction. Lucas can feel Eliott’s boner pressed against his thigh, and Lucas is sure Eliott feels his.

Lucas finally decides that just kissing isn’t enough anymore and pushes them upwards with a force that sends Eliott on his back and Lucas straddling his lap. “Fuck, you’re beautiful,” Eliott mumbles and brings his hands up to Lucas’s hips, gripping them with enough pressure to leave possible bruising there the next day.

Lucas slowly starts moving down, pressing kisses over the expanse of Eliott’s toned chest until he gets to his denim jeans. Lucas quickly unbuttons, unzips, and pulls them away to reveal Eliott’s impressive erection. He spends no time in taking Eliott into his mouth, pushing him all the way to the back of his throat. Lucas gags a couple times (he wasn’t lucky enough to be born without a gag reflex) but he forces himself down. The moans coming from Eliott is enough of a reward. He pulls himself off, stroking up and down a couple times before kissing up his length.

“Fuck, Lucas, where did you learn to do that?” Eliott asks breathless.

Lucas smirks, “not my first time, baby.”

Eliott’s eyes roll back as Lucas goes down again, this time bobbing his head and twirling his tongue around the tip of Eliott’s cock. “Shit, you need to stop,” Eliott moans and moves a hand through Lucas’s hair to pull him off.

Lucas pants for a few seconds, trying to decode what Eliott had just said to him, his mind completely elsewhere. “Right, yeah,” Lucas begins, voice already hoarse.

Before Lucas can say anything else Eliott is pushing them back to their original position, Lucas underneath him. Lucas normally likes the more dominating position of riding, but he has to admit that Eliott’s broad shoulders and just their vast size difference makes Lucas feel more secure. Eliott works on Lucas’s jeans for only a couple minutes before they are tossed to the side and they are finally connected skin to skin. Lucas moans at the feeling, and he is so, so glad that his roommates aren’t home.

Eliott’s lips are roaming Lucas’s chest and he mumbles, “I’ve been dying to do this every since I first saw you that day in your loose-fitting shirt when you opened the door for me,” Lucas bites his lip when Eliott leaves a good sized hickey on his neck, just above where any shirt could cover it, “I just knew I had to see that pretty mouth wrapped around my cock.”

Lucas moans, he tries and fails to grind upwards, whining when it doesn’t work. Eliott chuckles, “you want me that bad?” Lucas nods and wraps his arms around Eliott’s neck. “Well, you’re going to have to tell me, babe, or else I won’t know what to do.”

“You know what I want, asshole,” Lucas rushes out as Eliott roams his hands down his chest, lifting up when they get close to Lucas’s crotch.

“I don’t think I do.”

“Oh, fuck you.” Lucas hisses when Eliott’s hands move to roam his backside, “I want you to fuck me, Eliott.”

Lucas can feel Eliott’s smile against his chest. Lucas closes his eyes when he hears Eliott spit into his hand, making impromptu lube, “I don’t have anything, don’t worry,” Eliott mumbles before sliding in a finger. Lucas’s toes curl and he grinds his jaw at the feeling. He hasn’t had sex in a while, so it’s gotten really tight. A few minutes later and Eliott has three fingers in, creating a steady pumping motion that has Lucas moaning for more. Every so often Eliott’s fingers will curl up, hitting the place that sends waves of pleasure and shivers through Lucas.

“Are you okay?” Eliott asks, and Lucas nods. He’s glad that Eliott keeps checking in. He never knew sex could be so pleasurable. With Oliver it was only every about satisfying his needs, rather than Lucas’s.

Eliott removed his fingers allowing Lucas some breathing time before Eliott starting aligning himself. “Ready?” Eliott asks. Lucas nods frantically and wraps his arms a little tighter around Eliott’s neck. Slowly he starts to push in, and Lucas sees stars. It’s centimeter by centimeter, but it’s seems to go on forever. When Eliott is finally flush against Lucas, he lets out a breath he didn’t realize he had been holding.

A few tears fall from Lucas’s eyes, but he has always been the guy to cry during sex. Something in his nature apparently. Slowly, Eliott starts moving, a much slower rhythm than his fingers carried. However, he still managed to hit Lucas’s prostate repeatedly. Everytime he pushed in Lucas would moan with pleasure. Pretty soon Eliott’s rhythm started to become erratic and Lucas knows they were both close. Stars were shooting across his vision as the pressure built up in his abdomen. He didn’t even need to touch his cock before he was screaming out and coming onto his chest. Eliott following only a couple seconds after.

Eliott collapsed on top of Lucas, panting heavily and sweat making hairs stick to his forehead. Lucas doesn’t think twice about moving some hair out of the way and placing kisses onto the sweaty skin. Finally, once their breathing patterns return to normal, Eliott asks, “did you dry come?”

Lucas laughs and brushes his fingers through Eliott’s hair. “I guess I did.”

Eliott positions his head on Lucas’s chest so they can make eye contact with each other, “you are unbelievable, Lucas.”

Lucas hums, “I guess I am. But props to you for hitting my prostate every time.”

Eliott laughs, “I guess that’s my specialty.”

“I’m going to go grab us some towels,” Lucas says and slowly shifts out from under Eliott until he’s back on his feet. He shimies into his underwear before marching through the house to find their cupboard of towels.

When he walks into the kitchen he tosses one to Eliott and begins wiping himself down. He sits beside Eliott on the couch, a silence falling over them. It’s charged with a question neither of them are ready to ask.

It’s a couple more minutes before Eliott speaks up, “so, what is this?” Lucas refuses to meet his eyes, looking everywhere but at Eliott. “Is it casual?”

Lucas’s eyes finally flick up to find Eliott’s, “casual, yeah. Sounds good.”

Lucas feels like he’s a hollow shell as he watches Eliott get dressed back into his jeans and t-shirt. He slips his own shirt on to walk Eliott out. Lucas opens the door for them and Eliott walks through. The problem is you can’t really get attached, since you have to have a mutual understanding that it’s going to end. That’s been a problem with some of my past flings, Lucas hear’s Mika’s voice in his head. They pause in the threshold as Eliott hands over his phone, and Lucas fills in his contact info before handing it back over. No words exchanged.

He closes the door without waiting for Eliott to get all the way to his car. Once he hears the truck drive away, he falls to his knees, breaking down into tears.

4.

Lucas purposefully evades the house next Saturday, trying his best to avoid Eliott because he knows as soon as he lays eyes on him his heart will melt. So, when Lucas gets a text from Eliott Monday night asking if he wants to go for a ride, he can’t refuse.

Mika gives Lucas a wary look when he walks past them in the living room. Lucas didn’t dress “to the nines” for a booty call from Eliott, which is exactly what it was. Though, Lucas isn’t necessarily complaining, the sex is really good. And as Mika said, so is the talking, though they do less of that. By the time Lucas is walking out the front door, Eliott is pulling up in his truck. He rolls down his window as Lucas walks up, and pokes his head down to give Lucas a beaming grin. Don’t smile like that if you don’t mean it, Lucas wants to say as he climbs into the passenger seat.

“Hey, baby,” Eliott says and gives Lucas a little peck on the cheek.

Lucas can’t help but smile, and he hates himself for it. “Hey,” he replies and buckles himself in, “where are we going?”

Eliott hums as he puts the car into drive, “you’ll see.”

The drive there is silent. Lucas stares out the window and watches as the suburbs become farmland. Even when they are barely any houses, they keep driving. They could have gone on forever, and Lucas would not have minded. Finally Eliott pulls over as the sun is setting over the horizon. They are in an empty cornfield that seems to stretch on for miles. It’s almost breathtaking.

“Where are we?” Lucas asks as he hops out of the car and walks around to the front, Eliott mirroring his movements.

“Well, my family used to live out here. We only recently moved to the city. But, anytime I got overwhelmed or scared I would come here.” Eliott shrugs and his eyes survey the horizon. “I know it looks like every other corn field out there, and to be honest it is, but there is something more peaceful here. More serene.”

Lucas smiles up at Eliott and takes his time in studying his expression. It only lasts a few seconds before Eliott glances down, locking eyes with Lucas. A hand snakes around Lucas’s neck and he’s being pulled into a kiss. It’s softer this time, less rushed. The feel of each other’s lips is familiar, and Lucas melts into the feeling.

He didn’t really get a chance to before, because it was so hectic, but Lucas studied the way Eliott kisses. He kisses like Lucas is air and he’s been drowning for years. He kisses like he’s never tasted or felt anything more beautiful.

And Lucas’s heart breaks knowing that Eliott has kissed others in the same way.

Lucas pulls away from the kiss, cutting it short. Eliott seems confused and pants for a couple seconds before running a hand through Lucas’s hair. “You okay?” He asks.

Lucas forces a smile, “yeah, yeah. Let’s get in the car.” He says and grabs Eliott’s hands, pulling him to the back seat.

Lucas pushed Eliott in first, making him land on his back. Lucas crawls in afterwards, closes the door behind him and he straddles Eliott’s lap. He quickly strips himself of his shirt, throwing it out of the way.

“Lucas…” Eliott whispers and starts to sit upright.

Lucas shakes his head and presses a hand to Eliott’s chest, pushing him back down. Eliott doesn’t protest, but keeps his hands positioned on Lucas’s waist.

Riding Eliott felt like an awakening. Being able to watch him slowly unravel and fall apart underneath had Lucas moaning. As they reached their end Eliott grabbed a tight hold onto Lucas’s waist, halting Lucas’s rhythm. He started thrusting hard upwards and Lucas completely unraveled. He came with a moan loud enough it could have been mistaken for a scream.

Afterwards they wrap themselves in a blanket Eliott had in the back seat. Lucas laid his head down on Eliott’s chest. To be honest, Lucas was practically laying on top of Eliott because of the thin seats. But neither were complaining. It was actually nice being able to rest his head on Eliott’s chest and trace different shapes over and across the large expanse of skin. Eliott had his arms wrapped around Lucas protectively, yet gentle as if he pressed any harder Lucas would shatter.

“I think you left some bruises on my hips,” Lucas jones after a little while of silence.

Eliott laughs, “good, everyone will know you’re already fucking someone.”

“That hickey you gave me has barely faded away and it’s been over a week.”

“You just bruise like a peach, it’s not my fault,” Eliott laughs again as Lucas punches his chest playfully.

After a while Lucas goes to shift his position, to take some of the pressure off of his left arm. But a rush of soreness shoots up Lucas’s back making utter a soft “ow!”

“You okay?” Eliott asks.

Lucas nods, “yeah, just sore.”

Eliott wiggles his eyebrows at Lucas as he lays back down, “I guess I did my job well then.”

“Shut up, idiot.”

Eliott grins and loops an arm up around Lucas’s head, pressing him impossibly closer. Eventually they both drift off to sleep. Eliott’s heart acting as a soft metronome.

When Lucas next woke his head was spinning. He tried to get a sense of his bearings, but it took him a good few minutes to figure out he was in a car. He groaned as he stretched out his legs and arms, only then realizing that he was being spooned by another person on the narrow car seats. Memories of the night before comes back to him all at once as he shifts his hips and groans out in pain. Damn, Eliott really did him rough.

“Lucas?” a husky voice asks from behind him.

“Morning,” he replies, and smirks as he rubs backwards into Eliott eliciting a low groan from the older boy.

“Mm, don’t do that, baby. I might just jump you,” Eliott mumbles into the soft skin of Lucas’s neck.

“Well, I wouldn’t necessarily refuse,” Lucas jokes and Eliott laughs.

“Okay, I definitely would but I think we should probably leave pretty soon.”

“Wow, you don’t have any balls anymore do you?” Lucas laugh and he can practically feel Eliott’s eye roll. “There is definitely an Eliott in some parallel universe who decides to ravish Lucas in this car, right here right now.”

“‘Some parallel universe?’” Eliott asks.

“It’s my theory,” Lucas explains, “that every time we have to make a decision, there is a different version of me in another universe who made the other choice. So in every life, I’ve tried everything.”

“I don’t know if I believe that.”

Lucas hums, “well, you’re wrong. Because there are multiple Eliott’s and Lucas’s laying together right now like we are. There are some who are still pining after each other. There’s one version where Eliott didn’t come in for a drink of lemonade the first day they saw each other. There’s another Eliott and Lucas who met at school.” Lucas pauses, and shuffles backwards to press his back against Eliott’s chest, “and there is an Eliott and Lucas who aren’t just having casual sex. Instead, they are telling one another that they love each other for the first time.”

5.

It’s been nearly a month since Lucas and Eliott started their “friends with benefits” relationship, and Lucas knows he’s in way over his head. Ever since that car ride with Eliott, slowly but surely, he’s feeling have grown from attraction to love. He tries to ignore it, he really does. Because they have a ton of fun together. And at times it is easier to forget, like when they are just talking normally or when Eliott is balls deep inside of him and Lucas is screaming to come. Those times are easier.

But then there is time in between. When Eliott presses gentle kisses to Lucas’s forehead, lulling him to sleep as he massages his scalp. Or when they stay awake afterwards and watch a cheesy Disney movie. Or when Lucas is having post-sex cravings, but his joints are too sore to move so Eliott offers to go get him whatever he wants.

It hurts because even if Lucas were to move on from Eliott, he knows he would never be able to find someone who satisfies him as much as Eliott does. And not just physically. Yes, their bodies match so well together, but also mentally. They can laugh and just enjoy each other’s company without it always having to be about the sex. So, Lucas drew himself a line, at least until his crush passes. That’s all it is, a crush. At least that’s what Lucas tries to convince himself.

He won’t allow any kisses on the lips from this point onward, he’s decided. It sounds stupid, since people would argue that getting kissed on the lips is less intimate than having sex until the early hours of the morning like Lucas and Eliott have been doing. But sex with Eliott is almost animalistic. Sure, there are days when he is calm and builds Lucas up to his climax, but really it’s all about satisfaction. Kissing on the lips is much more intimate than just seeking release. Kissing each other slowly is almost like telling the person “I like you, I like you a lot.” And Lucas doesn’t think he could hold himself back from murmuring a soft “I love you” against Eliott’s lips if they ever kissed again.

“Lucas is probably going to be with his newest fuck buddy this weekend,” Arthur says as he repeadtedly smashes a button on the controller pointed at the TV.

He had decided to hang with the Gang for the first time in about two weeks. Lucas actually turned Eliott down on an offer to make time for his friends, which Lucas saw as growth. Slowly trying to separate himself from everything Eliott.

Yet, here he was. Making himself into the conversation of his tight friend group.

“WHA- I don’t have a fuck buddy!” Lucas protests and sits up in his chair.

Yann rolls his eyes, “dude, even if you say that you have about ten hickeys on your neck. Obviously you’re fucking somebody.”

“Or you’re the one getting fucked…?” Basile adds, more as a question.

Arthur sighs in exasperation, “seriously, Basile. Sense the conversation.” Arthur shakes his head as he turns back to Lucas, “so who is he?”

Lucas sighs in defeat, “you guys don’t know him.”

“Try us,” Yann says.

“Fine, his name is Eliott. And before any of you say anything about it, we both agreed that it was something casual. Just like a, a summer fling if you will.”

Yann pauses and narrows his eyes at Lucas, “you like him don’t you?”

“What, Yann! You can’t just ask him-”

“Ugh, yeah! Okay I do!” Lucas juts in, cutting Arthur off. “He’s everything I’ve ever looked for in a guy. He’s nice to talk to, he’s funny, we have a crap ton in common, he’s hot, and, of course, to top it all off he’s actually really, really fucking good in bed. It’s just unfair!” Lucas groans, “at the beginning I was just using him to get over Oliver, but now it’s like I’m falling in love with him and I just can’t stop!”

“Have you considered the possibility that Eliott is falling for you too?” Basile asks.

Lucas shakes his head, “no, I mean he was the one who proposed we do it casual.”

“Well, wait,” Yann says and shifts forward on the couch, “did he propose it or did he just ask you if you wanted it casual.”

Lucas pauses, “I can’t...remember.”

Yann raises an eyebrow at him, smile growing wider, “okay, so. So far we have that he may or may not have proposed a casual relationship, but also that he obviously spends a lot of time around you, and he obviously likes to leave hickeys on you where he knows other people will be able to see them.” Yann pauses. “Maybe he doesn’t want the relationship to remain casual anymore?”

Lucas isn’t entirely sure how to respond, so he doesn’t.

“Right,” Yann breathes in, “so, why don’t you contact him?”

Lucas rolls his eyes at his friend, “I’m not going to confess my love to him over text, Yann.”

“Right, you shouldn’t.” Arthur jumps in, “why don’t you ask Eliott where he is? Then maybe you can meet him and have a talk with him.”

“Yeah! Do that, do that!” Basile says all too ecstatically.

Eventually all of them are chanting for Lucas to text Eliott. Lucas laughs as he pulls out his phone and types in Eliott’s contact. The idiot had named himself in Lucas’s phone: love of my life, my one and only with a few heart emojis to boot.

To: Hey, where are you right now?

From: Awe, does my baby miss me that much?

From: May I remind you that you were the one who said no sex tonight? ;) Cockblocked yourself, mister.

To: Jesus, you are too much to handle.

From: Mm, well obviously, I had you biting your arm so hard last time to hold back your shouts.

To: That isn’t what I meant, ugh! Nevermind, forget it

From: No, no, I’m sorry. What’s up?

To: Nothing, I just wanted to know what you were up to.

From: Well, since you turned me down :( I went to a party at a Idriss’ house.

To: Ah, okay.

From: ??

From: That’s it?

To: Yeah

From: You are very weird, Monsieur Lallemant.

To: Thanks

“He’s at a party hosted by Idriss.” Lucas reports.

Yann claps his hands in excitement, “well let’s go then! I know his apartment!”

When they walk into the party, they look like a group of deer in headlights. Lucas has never been a big drinker, so parties are not really his thing. And this party was...chaotic. Every person looked like they were drunk out of their minds and just about ready to pass out. Or there were the people in one room passing around the thickest joint Lucas has ever seen.

He grabs himself a beer, to at least look like he’s doing something, before walking around and looking for Eliott. He checks all the downstairs rooms, even in the basement. Still no sign of Eliott. Maybe he went home?

The deep bass of the songs playing starts getting to Lucas’s head, and he knows if he doesn’t leave soon he has the high possibility of passing out. He’s grabbing his jacket and slipping it on when he takes a glance up the stairs. He feels his heart stop.

“Lucas, where’s your man?” Arthur asks excitedly as he comes up beside Lucas. Obviously he doesn’t see the tears streaming down Lucas’s face or the slight flashes of anger as they pass through him. Lucas can’t form any words, so all he can do is motion his head up the stairs. Lucas watches as Arthur follows his gaze, and he watches as his smile fades away. There Eliott stands, pressing himself against a guy who clearly wasn’t Lucas. Because Lucas is the one watching them. Arthur turns away when they see Eliott and the other guy disappear into the closest room. “Lucas…” Arthur begins.

He shakes his head, “nah, it’s okay.” He knows he isn’t convincing either of them as another tear runs the length of his cheek, “I mean, we’re casual. He’s probably been...he’s probably been fucking other people this whole time, right? I’m not special. I’m just a toy. I knew that. It’s fine. It’s okay.” Lucas rushes out of the house. Everything suddenly becoming too overwhelming.

He makes it past the driveway and down the street before he’s kicking and screaming at a metal gate. He slams himself against it, punches it, and curses at it until his fingers are bleeding.

+1

To Lucas: Hey, what are you doing later?

To Lucas: Did you ever come to Idriss’ party?

To Lucas: Hey, haven’t heard from you in a while. Everything okay?

To Lucas: Did I do something?

To Lucas: Lucas?

To Lucas: Okay, you’re sort of freaking me out, are you safe?

To Lucas: Lucas, why aren’t you responding. I saw your instagram post.

It’s been two weeks since the night of Idriss’ party. Eliott had been repeatedly calling and texting Lucas, yet to no avail. Maybe Lucas was done with him. Well, ever since Lucas’s most recent post on Instagram, it’s been made clear that Lucas moved on. In the photo Lucas has his arms wrapped around a guy Eliott would describe as...decent looking. They’re both smiling and gazing into each other’s eyes. It almost makes Eliott sick. The caption ties the whole thing together: he thinks because we’re on a date he gets to eat my fries. It’s cheesy, and Eliott nearly smiled at it the first time he read it.

But then his heart was ripped out of his chest. Because it meant that Lucas was cutting all ties with Eliott. It made sense, especially if he’s gotten a boyfriend. He wouldn’t want a fuck-buddy around. But that was the issue.

Eliott was so caught up in their friends with benefits relationship he hadn’t even realized he was falling for Lucas. And he had been falling hard. When Lucas began cutting ties with him, he was plunged into a period of depression. He locked himself in his room, cancelled the job he had with Mika to avoid contact with Lucas, and even turned his phone off. It wasn’t until Idriss and Sofiane burst into his room that he actually got out of bed. They had demanded to know what was going on. Eliott explained to them the situation: Lucas had cut ties, he’d gotten himself a boyfriend, and Eliott is slowly dying without him

“Wait, Lucas as in Lucas Lallemant?” Idriss asks.

Eliott nods his head while shooting his friend a questioning look.

“Well, he’s friends with Yann, uh, yeah Yann that’s his name. I saw them at my party Friday, and Yann and I were talking when all of a sudden Lucas came rushing past us, he looked super upset. It looked like he had been crying. We overheard some of the conversation between Lucas and his other friend, blonde hair, glasses guy.” Idriss pauses, “anyways, we heard them him something about ‘Lucas, I’m sorry. I can’t believe he did that’ and Lucas responded with something along the lines of ‘well, I’m his fuck toy so I don’t know what I expected.’”

Eliott frowns, trying to understand what they could have been talking about. Then it dawned on him, he had been making out with a guy before going into a room together. Eliott was so drunk he honestly doesn’t remember half of it. He does remember than he ended up throwing up on the guy, so obviously they didn’t end up doing anything. But, shit, Lucas doesn’t know that. “Oh, fuck,” Eliott groans and runs his hands through his hair. “They must have seen me go into the room with that guy. Shit.”

Sofiane frowned, “what guy? Did something happen?”

Eliott shook his head, “no, no. I...I ended up not going through with it. I felt...guilty.” Which was part of the truth, his friends didn’t need to know the more embarrassing details.

Sofiane lifted his eyebrows, “bro, you need to text Lucas. Tell him what you just told us. He obviously has deeper feelings for you as well, he was super upset it sounds like.”

Eliott pauses, “you think so?”

Idriss and Sofiane nod their head frantically.

Eliott laughs at his friends, but his smile fades almost immediately after, “but what if he doesn’t feel the same way? Or just doesn’t respond to this text either.”

Idriss places a gentle hand on Eliott’s shoulder, “you don’t know until you try, do you?”

He gives his friends a parting smile as they slowly make their way out of the room. It takes Eliott a couple more minutes to make his hands stop shaking and reach to unplug his phones. He opens his messages to Lucas, his heart slightly breaking at all the messages Lucas has still yet to respond to. Eliott takes a deep breath, his fingers typing out a message. He doesn’t want to scare Lucas off with a sudden barrage of all of his emotions. So he opts for a simple: Hey, Lucas, I miss you and I really want to talk. Just talk. I have some stuff I need to tell you.

It takes a day for Lucas to respond. It was shocking to Eliott that Lucas actually read it and responded to his message. He thought he was going to have radio silence forever.

He had holed himself in his room, turning off all notifications except for ones coming from Lucas. So when he heard his phone ping from his bedside he scrambles to grab his phone. His eyes finally focus on the screen, and he can practically hear his heart shattering.

From Lucas: Please stop contacting me, Eliott. I’m trying to move on from you. I saw you with that guy at Idriss’ party and I realized that I can’t do this casual thing forever. I realized I was falling in love with you, and obviously those are emotions that would get tangled in your whole ‘no strings attached’ thing. You contacting me isn’t making it any easier. Just stop.

Eliott feels like he is going to throw up. That was it. He lost his chance. Lucas doesn’t want to see him anymore. Sure, he’d gotten a confession, “I realized I was falling in love with you.” But Lucas already moved on. Lucas now has that guy who he flaunts on Instagram. Eliott briefly thinks about contacting that guy via Instagram and telling him that Lucas’s been fucking someone on the side, but he isn’t that evil. Instead he goes back to hiding himself in his room. Drawing pages upon pages of a raccoon and a hedgehog, smiling, holding hands, hugging, kissing, watching TV, moving in together, sleeping together, everything that their alternate universe selves could go doing at this very moment.

But of course he’s in the one universe where they go their separate ways.

Eliott’s forced out of his apartment when he runs out of milk around 10pm. He had been making  cereal but was sourly disappointed when he found they didn’t have any milk. And neither Idriss or Sofiane are home to go get him some. He forces his legs into sweatpants and throws on his one sweatshirt before heading out the door. He looks like shit, he realizes, but he can’t find it in him to care. It’s now been a week since Lucas responded to his message. And in that week Lucas has posted another photo with his boyfriend on a dinner date. A dinner date Eliott wishes he could have been on with Lucas.

It’s slowly eating him alive, he thinks. The fact that he’s lost Lucas feels like it’s tearing him limb from limb. He regrets every waking moment that Lucas isn’t with him. That Lucas isn’t in his arms. Or when he can’t run out at one in the morning to go grab Lucas what he’s craving that very moment.

Eliott walks in like a zombie, barely having enough energy to pick up his feet as he walks to the back of the store. He grabs a random jug of milk, the weight of the carton pulling him forward. He watches his feet as he walks. He blinks slowly as the ground moves underneath him, and it begins to feel as if he isn’t even walking himself. Eliott bumps into something, and mutters a soft “sorry.” It’s when he hears a reply that he realizes he hadn’t bumped into something, but rather someone. He picks his head up to give an honest apology, but is met with the image of Lucas standing in front of the cereal. Their eyes lock for just a second before Lucas turns to run away.

“Lucas.” His voice halts Lucas dead in his tracks.

Lucas spins on his heels, coming face to face with a very disgruntled looking Eliott. He is probably the most worn-out looking Lucas has ever seen him. He’s in nothing but sweats, which Lucas didn’t even know he owned, his hair is more messy than usual, the dark circles under his eyes speak volumes on how little sleep he’s gotten, and he looks even thinner, almost like a shell of an Eliott he once was.

Lucas cradles the carton of orange juice in his arm and grips the box of cookies a little tighter, “hey, Eliott.”

Eliott doesn’t smile as he steps closer, but he tries to make a joke nonetheless, “big night I see.”

Lucas smiles, “well, Victor is over, so.”

Eliott feels his blood run cold. Victor. Most likely the boyfriend. “Ah, okay. Guess you had to find someone to replace me,” the joke runs flat. It doesn’t come out as a joke at all. All it does is make Lucas shift uncomfortably where he stands.

“Well, I don’t know about that,” Lucas mutters and Eliott feels his heart flutter for just a second. “He’s nice, though. Yann introduced us. But, uh, there is one major issue with him.”

“And what’s that?” Eliott smiles.

“He likes dipping oreos in orange juice.” Lucas nearly whispers it and quirks an eyebrow up at him.

Eliott shakes his head in disbelief, “well, that is obviously inhumane. Are you sure he’s human?”

Lucas laughs, god, how Eliott missed that sound. “Sometimes I wonder. Anyways, I should probably, uh, head out. Don’t want to keep him waiting too long.”

Eliott nods, sucking in a breath, “yeah, of course.” He wants to scream when Lucas turns back around, walking slowly towards the front of the store. Eliott wants to beg Lucas to stay. To talk. Even for just another minute. Just long enough to tell him how much he regrets every choice he’s made up till now. How much he wants to kiss him and tell him he loves him. And cuddle and watch stupid cheesy movies togther. He wants to eat oreos with milk, like a normal human does. He wants to just kiss those lips one more time. He wants to brush his hands through Lucas’s hair one more time.

He wants to whisper a soft “I love you” in the morning before Lucas has woken up because Eliott was too ecstatic to fall asleep with an absolute angel sleeping next to him. Just one more time.

But Eliott was stupid enough to go into that room with a guy he can’t even remember the name of. A guy whose face is just a blur. Lucas could be his, and yet he still managed to fuck it up.

Before Eliott can stop himself he is sprinting out of the store, dropping things on random shelves as he goes. When he breaks out into the street he frantically looks from side to side, searching for the brown hair that sticks up every which way. It’s pouring outside, a storm passing overhead, and it blurs his vision. He spots him, moving in and out of the crowd. Eliott feels his throat constrict and heart rate pick up as he frantically moves after him. But it feels like the closer he gets, the faster Lucas is moving.

Eliott almost thinks it’s a lost battle, about to give up when he shouts a quick “Lucas!” not even sure if the boy will hear it over the pouring of the rain.

Eliott can do nothing but watch as Lucas slows down and looks over the sea of people, finally locking eyes with Eliott. Eliott’s face breaks into a grin, and he doesn’t care how stupid he looks as he trips over himself trying to reach the man of his dreams.

“Eliott?” Lucas asks, as if he isn’t sure if Eliott is really in front of him.

“Sorry, I-” Eliott swallows. He didn’t plan out anything to say.

Lucas waits patiently, searching Eliott’s face for any clue as to what is coming next.

“Lucas, I just, I need you to know,” Eliott can’t get the words out.

Lucas rolls his eyes, “Eliott, saying sorry isn’t going to get me back in your bed. I need you to understand that I fell in love with you, and it’s just too painful for me to continue this friends with benefits thing we have going on if I can’t actually have you in my life. You can’t just be some drifter who comes in and out whenever he pleases. I’m sorry if you don’t feel the same way, but I need a foundation. And, and it breaks my heart that you aren’t ready to offer me that.”

Lucas is about to turn away, but Eliott grabs his arm before he really has the opportunity, “no, Lucas. I-that wasn’t what I was going to say. Sure, I am sorry. I made so many choices that I regret. But, God, it’s killing me every second you aren’t with me. To be honest I’ve never felt this way with anyone before you.” Lucas is about to roll his eyes, so Eliott laughs and says, “and before you roll your eyes at how cheesy I sound, just know it’s true. I made poor decisions because I was falling in love with you. And I still am. I’m continuously falling for you, Lucas. I love you.”

Eliott can see the shocked expression flicker across Lucas’s face. And then an expression that says “I don’t know how to respond to that.” Lucas takes a breath in, “but, I...It’s too late, Eliott.” Eliott bites his bottom lip, hard enough so that it distracts him from the breaking of his heart. “I can’t just leave Victor…”

“But you can, Lucas!” Eliott pleads and grabs hold of Lucas’s free hand, “I want to be your boyfriend. I want to have a life with you. I want to see where our lives are headed, together. I could even see myself marrying you, Lucas. Which sounds crazy, I know, but it’s true.”

Lucas searches in Eliott’s eyes, maybe he is searching for the answer to their problems, he isn’t really sure. “I need some time,” Lucas mumbles and slowly slips his hand out of Eliott’s reach.

Eliott shakes his head as he watches Lucas’s gaze turn away. In one last attempt Eliott uses his hands to cup Lucas’s face, forcing them to face each other. Lucas is about to say something, but doesn’t have a chance before Eliott’s lips on his. Eliott melts into the kiss. Lucas tastes like honey, sweetness must pump throat his very veins. Lucas responds, tilting his head to deepen the kiss. Eliott hears Lucas drop his bag of groceries in order to wrap both his arms around Eliott’s neck.

Eliott knows he needs to stop the kiss, because he’s trying to prove to Lucas he’s not just a sex toy, but the man that stole his heart. So Eliott slowly takes his lips away, and rests their foreheads together. “I love you, Lucas.” Eliott mutters against Lucas’s lips, “take all the time you need. But...preferably sooner than later. Because it’s killing me, Lucas.”

Lucas laughs breathily, and Eliott can tell neither of them are ready to pull away just yet, so he forces himself to make the first move. He steps away, untangling his fingers from Lucas’s hair. He walks backwards until Lucas is lost in the sea of people.

It’s another week before Lucas contacts Eliott. He’s just lounging around his house after his lectures at his university, obviously trying not to think about Lucas. But failing miserably. He practically jumps to his phone at the notification from Lucas. Next thing he knows he’s sitting in his car parked outside of Lucas’s house, trying to build up the courage to actually walk to the front door.

But before Eliott can unbuckle his seat belt Lucas is opening the door and standing in his doorway. Eliott notes that he looks positively ethereal standing there. Hips cocked outwards, hair a spikey mess, eyes red and puffy, and those lips mouthing Eliott’s name. Then Eliott realizes that Lucas is crying, and he’s only mouthing his name because he isn’t able to actually form any words without fear of his voice breaking.

That sends Eliott flying out of his car, rushing to cup Lucas’s head in his hands. They crash into the hug and Eliott feels Lucas smile against his shoulder, which eases away some of his worry. They stand there for what could have been eternity before Lucas whispers,

“I ended things with Victor, neither of us took it well.”

Eliott smiles, “well, I guess I’ll just have to take responsibility than.” He lifts his head off Lucas’s shoulder in order to cup his head in his hands and wipe away his tears. “I love you, Lallemant, so you better at least take responsibility for that.”

Lucas laughs, and the glassiness in his eyes fade. “Oh, I plan to.”

Eliott melts at the sight of Lucas’s smile. All he wants is for his boy to feel better. “Want to go watch a movie?” Eliott asks.

Lucas nods, “but only if it’s Oui-Oui.”

Eliott laughs, “whatever you want, baby.”

[femnet]

I was a celebrity's booty call. And I was also another celebrity's “side-chick”. For a while. It's not a good feeling, despite what fanfiction wants you to think. I have a feeling none of them have ever actually experienced what they write about in their stories.

This was all before I started seeing my boyfriend, just to be clear. The first one is a famous TV producer from the United States, and he started following me back in 2011 after I complimented him on how gorgeous his wife was and how lucky he was to be dating someone like her. I was born in 1994, so I was 17 when he started following and talking to me. He started liking a bunch of my tweets, and we'd just have conversations that soon after turned into more than just conversations. 

We were sexting. He would go on holiday with his wife and three kids and he'd send me a message first thing in the morning to tell me he had a hard-on. When I would tweet about a male celebrity I liked, he'd DM me and say he was jealous of that person for having my attention. Now, mind you, I was a virgin at the time and had absolutely no idea what to reply to any of this, but I humored his behavior and made stuff up. Apparently that worked because our conversations went on until 2015, when I deleted my Twitter. 

I was stupid. I figured it was only texts; we're never gonna meet, right? And of course, that is still true, we never met. But now I know that if he did this with me, the chances that he also did this with other girls behind his wife's back, and maybe more than just sexting, are high. Which is what ultimately really hurts me to think about. He's always been very vocal on his political opinions, on his drug and alcohol abuse, he's a big member of the social justice community, fighting for people's rights, and his tweets really take off a lot of the time. He gets a lot of positive attention. In addition to that, he's also a huge part of the show he produces, so people know him. They like him. Except maybe Republicans.

The second big time (in between were a couple rather meaningless flirts: all of the guys were taken, I was single and figured I had nothing to lose) was with a famous guy from my country, who also happens to play for a national team as well. 

I met him for the first time when I had just moved to the city I live in now. We had a mutual interest for sports, so I told him I was going to see one of his matches and he said he could get me a ticket, which I thought was kind. He asked me before if I had a boyfriend, and I said no. And I asked him if he had a girlfriend, and he dodged the question but because in my stupid mind I thought „he would totally tell me if he has a girlfriend“, I figured: that means no then, right?

Before I even saw him play for the first time, I went to his place. I stepped into the apartment and everything in there screamed: girlfriend. Her shoes, pictures of her and his family, pictures of their families together, her jewlery, her toothbrush in the bathroom. I had made it clear to him before that I wasn't looking for anything, but still we ended up making out and I told him there and then „I think you have other plans than I do“. 

We didn't have sex that night, I ended up talking to him about his girlfriend, actually, and made him tell me about her. They lost their virginity to each other, he told me funny stories about her, and so I asked him „then why am I here?“ and he said „it's been three years“, and then said he'd slept with someone the year before. Two years, now three, and he couldn't be faithful to her. 

That really made me realize how disgusting some people are, and the fact that he was one of many men I'd met between 2011 and 2015 was really starting to take a toll on me. I didn't sleep with him, like I said, but I felt some sort of responsibility towards his girlfriend. I didn't have a name and couldn't find any clues through his Facebook or their apartment, so I ended up going home and immediately asking him for another meeting, promising him sex this time. He got me tickets to his game, took me home with him afterwards – to this day I still listen to Style by Taylor Swift and think of him, because that song described that night perfectly – and we got to his place and immediately got down and dirty. I didn't sleep with him, because I had a plan in mind, but we ended up on top of each other, in our clothes, and I was about to take off his pants, but I realized that sleeping with him first and then planting my proof that I had been there wouldn't be right. So I got up and said I wanted to go home. 

I cried because I felt terrible, even though he was the one that should've been feeling like shit for doing this, but he didn't. I felt bad for his girlfriend (now wife), and I felt bad for being in his apartment. I never felt bad about what I did next, though: I had taken a pair of my underwear with me and put it underneath his couch, because I figured if anyone was going to look and clean there, it would've been his girlfriend, right? He didn't seem like the kinda guy who cared about anything and just kept his girl around as a housekeeper, really, who just happened to be gone for the month on an internship while he had me over twice, trying to have sex with me both times and effectively cheat on her. I personally already consider kissing cheating, but I guess that's up for debate.

I don't think she ever found my underwear, or maybe she did but she's too in love with him to think that this meant anything. Maybe she thought it was her own, maybe he convinced her it was hers. We talked for a little bit after that, I was an idiot and actually apologized for not sleeping with him, which is something I wouldn't do now. The last two or three years have really taught me a lot of self-respect, being 25 and having been through all those weird, awkward encounters... it really made me re-think my self-worth and how I let others treat me.

It wasn't really their stardom that got me. They were being nice and „not“ famous to me, that's the point. They were just like me and you and that caught my attention. But I did admire their craft and what they stood for, I had talent crushes, if you will. Having had those experiences with famous men and realizing that they're just awful, trash people, really broke down a barrier for me.

 The celebrities that are supposed to be some sort of role model and be a good influence on the world and young people – and don't even get me started that that isn't their responsibility – can be just as disgusting as your Average Joe. No, it's not that they can be that; they actually are that. I have trouble trusting famous men now. I don't want to be around them on my own, no matter how big or small their fame and success may be. I have been thinking about going to a convention in the UK for two men whose craft I admire, but I'm not sure if I really should. In the back of my mind I can't help but think „if I feel like this, how many thousands of other women have also gone through the same thing“... if not worse. 

I didn't have to sleep with those men but I still felt dirty and weird and just wrong afterwards. I know even if I had ever spoken up about these people, nobody would have believed me. If I didn't have pictures and screenshots I probably wouldn't even believe myself, and this is small scale. This is nothing compared to what other women have to go through with famous people who take advantage of their attention and their crush (or their need for a job) so much more than these men did of me. 

It's a strange world out there. Famous people, your celebrity crush… they're no different and no better than you and me. I've experienced this first hand, in a very unfortunate way that'll stay with me for the rest of my life.

[with-galaxies-in-her-veins]

hey, it's ya girl, and i'm back with some more relationship stuff, since apparently relationships are hard, and they suck, but oh well, what can we do, we're a world blinded by the facets of love 

today we’re going to talk about letting go and moving on

yeah, a strange concept, i know. but here’s the thing: sometimes you need to let someone go in order to allow someone new to come into your life. not only will this allow you to heal, recover, or whatever you need at the moment, but it’ll help the other person as well. maybe it's not your intention to "help" them, but if you do this, it'll make you feel so much better, mentally and even physically (as stress and depression take quite the toll on the body). there are a few scenarios i'm going to break down today, and the first one will be: breakups

breakups SUCK, and they're painful, and yeah, you might want to make your ex a sim and burn it in a house fire, but here's the thing: by doing this, you are giving that person headspace, therefore giving them power over you that they don't deserve. in some cases, breakups are mutual, and those are the easiest to get over, because you're not riddled with the guilt of dumping someone, or with the pain of being dumped (raise your hand if you've been here, rip). we're not here to talk about you dumping someone, though, we're here to talk about you being dumped, or, to put it nicer, broken up with. 

i know that it's hard, and i know that it hurts, but trust me - someone better will come along. someone who loves you for you, and will be the perfect missing puzzle piece to your Ravensburger. you, as an individual, are amazing, okay? you have this uniqueness about you that nobody else could even dream of replicating. it doesn't matter that i don't know who'll read this, because every person in the world has that unique spark in them, regardless of who they are. that spark is what makes people fall in love with you, and if they start to realize that they can no longer care for that spark, then it's not your fault. don't try and win back their affections, especially if they've already moved on. i've said this before, and i'll say it again:

"don't chase after someone who wouldn't even think twice about leaving you behind. sure, it might hurt to just block them out, but sometimes it's for the best. after all, if they were willing to just up and leave in the first place, what makes you so sure that they'll stay any longer? sure, it's going to be hard, but you can do this. toxic people are something that you'll run into every day, but it's your choice if you let them poison you or not."

it might seem harsh, but think about it - what would keep them from leaving you again? save yourself the heartache and move on, okay? you've got the whole world in front of you, and i know that you can do infinitely better than some sod who left you.

rejection

rejection. O U C H. since we're all on tumblr, i'm going to use internet rejection as this example. say you meet someone online that you really like. they're funny, sweet, smart, whatever you're into. things are going good, going great, you feel awesome and floaty and almost maybe a little in love, then suddenly, BOOM. bomb is dropped and they ghost you. even if you've never really met in person, you still form this emotional attachment to the person, which makes being rejected by them all the more painful, and that's okay. it's okay to be hurt by someone you've never met before, and it's okay to feel bad. what's not okay is soaking in the feeling and letting it ruin your life. 

another example would be when someone's interested in you, but you keep shutting them down for whatever reason, then they move on and you suddenly feel rejected. yeah, that sucks, but look, you shut them down, right? even though they CLEARLY showed interest in you, regardless of age (this is only okay if you're both legal, obviously), distance, medical issues, sense of humour, etc? so although it's okay to feel sad that they've moved on and are with someone else, it's not okay to play the victim here. it's not fair to the other person, and it's not fair to you. for one, you're better than some petty little anger at not being "the chosen one" anymore, and for another, it'll make the other person feel bad about being happy. so be the bigger person. don't worry, you'll find someone else who loves you, or shows the same amount of interest, if not more. so stand up, stop moping, and try being happy for the other person. if you truly care about them, then you'll want them to be happy, no matter what, right?

moving on

gotta get your move on, boi (or gal, or nonbinary pal, whichever applies to you). i'm not saying "go chase after someone else now," as that's just not healthy. let it happen in your own time, and don't push for a relationship. if it's meant to be, it'll happen, and your manipulating the situation will only cause it to backfire. 

so, onto the methods of moving on for those who don't quite want to move on:

block the person. i mean seriously, just block them, especially if they're only causing you heartache 

practice some self-care methods. journal, draw, create, just do something that'll help you take your mind off of things. bonus points if you love what you're doing 

if you're angry at the person, then make a sim for them and kill it. give it the worst luck possible, the worst life imaginable in the sims. this will act as your outlet of anger, and will prevent you from going off a the person (hopefully). obviously this isn't the most ideal or healthy way of coping and moving on (as i stated earlier), but i must say, it is quite effective. 

write a letter stating what you're feeling. pour your heart out, write a poem, insult them in ancient shakespearean language, just write. it doesn't matter if you don't ever send the letter, email, text, whatever, just compose it, then dispose of it, or save it to re-read later. one method that i suggest is to write down what you're feeling on paper, the rip the paper up into little shreds. if you're in a stable state of mental health, you can even burn it (just be sure not to start any fires!). if you write an email, then address it to a spam email account of yours so that you don't accidentally send it. if you choose to text or dm, type it out to someone else first, in case. if you're feeling particularly brave, you can send this message. the times i've done all of these are innumerable, and each time they've really helped me to sort out how i feel about what went down, even if i never actually sent it.

accept how you feel and let it go. if you're a big visualization fan, then find something to symbolize how you feel about the person (gifts they gave you that you no longer want, pictures, letters, etc. just make sure to take pictures so you don't forget that at one point, they actually did like you), and let it go. all it will be is dust in the wind, particles of the atmosphere being turned into something new. 

wallow. take one day off and just cry. wallow in self-pity. eat a whole pizza to yourself (just kidding, don't do that), watch sappy romance movies, just take the time to feel bad. this one day is the only day where you'll let your emotions fully take over, the only day where you're allowed to feel whatever emotion, as long as you don't act aggressively on those emotions. so grab some kleenex, put on a sad movie, eat some ice cream, and cry. you'll be okay, i promise.

i know that moving on can be quite difficult, and it can be quite painful, no matter how much you try to hide from those feelings. having a support system is so unbelievably important. if you don't feel like you can tell your friends or family, then reach out to someone you feel like you can trust. scream your feelings into the void, if you feel like that's the only way you can rant. just don't wallow in self-pity and make others feel bad for being happy just because you're in a funk. it's not worth it, and frankly, it's just a waste of time. 

you are amazing, beautiful, clever, intelligent, funny, everything that you were meant to be, and nothing, not even a little relationship problems, can take that away from you.

now here's a few questions i have for you: 

how did you feel about your relationship in the beginning? did you have a good or bad feeling? did you think it'd last? did you trust the person? 

sometimes your gut feeling, or your initial feeling, is the one that will be correct in the end. for example, when you start out in a relationship but feel weary, why do you think that is? is it because the person has a history of (insert here), or is it because of a vibe they have? LISTEN TO THAT FEELING, i cannot stress this enough, ahhh 

this is something that'll help you a lot in the future, but at the moment, it'll help keep you safe. that's all i've got for now, and honestly, i can't say i'm the most credible when it comes to relationships, but hey, if this helps you, then that's all that matters :) 

these words of wisdom were brought to you by: things i wish i had heard a few years ago

[sundaynightnovels]

11/11/11

i was tagged by the amazing @insearchof-solace​ for this & okay i haven’t actually read through the questions that you’ve given me, but let’s hope that i actually have answers for them  1. What story elements keep popping up in your wip(s)? It could be a personality trait, a setting, some sort of symbolism, anything.

oooh. well okay, right now i only have one wip, but from previous long-form things that i have written (and may / may not ever continue, depending)... of course found family is a huge thing, but also like... having trios as main character groups. yknow, there are always the iconic Three in any great novel / series, and yes i usually do have that too! for like all things out of season there are actually a few groups of trios, like the shou-zhen-lu odd family, the teng-jun-yu(m) eccentric gang, the jun-ren-jia messy relationship people... i also always like having flippant characters & serious characters. yknow what i mean? in any good comedy there has to be a serious character for the stupidity to work, so yea. (though my previous works were not... exactly... comedies). & i like writing banter. all the banter for me. 2. Do you mainly draw inspiration from real things/places/events/people? Or do you get inspiration from other fictional settings? probably more from other fictional stuff, idk. if i see something i like in a show i’ll be like hey how bout MORE of that thing . usually a lot of inspiration comes from sit-coms or something funny that i’ve read.  i do get some inspiration from real places / events but those are... not as often. probably because that requires a lot more research and sometimes midway through i’m like lkjasldjasdksa like i’m kinda planning for teng’s story to be set in around 1930s shanghai and i am not ready for that research yet 3. What major thing drives you to write your current wip(s)? i don’t even know right now. when i was writing the first draft, it was to just get something out there so i have something to work with. now that i’m doing the second draft i don’t really have much driving force except for my endless procrastination that drives my brain to a little of a duUDEEE DO SOMETHING NOW mode and then i write. probably.  4. Is there anything you hate about your characters? eh. hate is a strong word. i don’t particularly hate anything about them, but shou really is too noisy and he’s stuck in his head too much, do you know how difficult it is to write his scenes without getting sidetracked and writing maybe 10 paragraphs of some random digression that he’s made??? (there was a lot of that in draft one that i am slowly cutting away) making zhen do things / especially proper serious stuff is like pulling teeth. jun too. yu(f) is annoying because she is just so caught up with work , like i think almost 90% of her scenes in the book takes place in her room and that’s such a boring setting to work with! and i don’t like that characteristic particularly because i don’t relate (lol) so it’s difficult to write about. i still barely even know yu(m) but that’s my fault i guess. lu and teng are dolls.  5. Which two (or more) of your characters clash the most in personality? Do they ever meet? If they do, what happens? uh. zhen and yu(f) because well, one is lazy and one is irredeemably hardworking. they live in the same apartment block and when they meet, well, yu(f) tries not to engage / interact because getting involved with zhen (even if zhen’s not really doing anything at the moment) is always chaos. always. and she doesn’t need that in her life.  zhen doesn’t particularly want to meet yu(f) too because she finds her constant-rushing-to-work-and-only-talking-about-doing-work annoying, but she also doesn’t like it if she sees yu(f) actively running away / avoiding her so she will, just to be an ass, engage. they argue a lot. 6. How much of your wip(s) do the people around you know about? Are you planning on letting them know more? my current wip? nothing. HA. i might have mentioned to some of them that i’m writing something, but yknow they don’t ever show an interest and so i don’t talk about it.  to be fair, even if they did show an interest, i don’t know how i’d go about talking to them about it. OKAY actually i think there were many like a few who were like ‘oooo what’s it about’ and i just go ‘lol it’s just something really stupid but i love it’ and they don’t question after that, which is. very well i guess. 7. What about history, or which event in history, would you rewrite if it were all fictitious? i love historical fiction! just not sure if i’ll write much of them because laskjdlaskjd so much research (which i love doing, but not like, for the tiny details). especially in terms of clothing?? i hate describing fashion / clothes. i don’t think i’ve ever described clothes in my wip.. okay wait. i think there was once or twice. but still! i also feel like describing clothes are kinda a waste of time . or actually, describing any physical appearance in detail is a waste of time when it comes to me, because when i’m reading a book, no matter how detailed you’ve described your character , chances are, after that first introductory description, i’ve completely forgotten how the said character is supposed to look like and i just visualise them however i want in my mind based on... instincts, i guess. or simply based on what comes up when i’m reading the book. so unless it’s necessary for plot or whatever, i guess descriptions are not my thing. (oops i think i digressed there) okay an answer: don’t think i’d rewrite any historical event! probably 8. Which detail in a book you’ve read impressed you the most? Why? i wanted to give up on answering this because my memory sucks and i don’t remember, but something suddenly came to me! but i also can’t really describe it here because it’s quite a major plot twist but anyway. it was from the Young Elites series and it was great. if you’ve read the book / don’t care about spoilers, you can dm me to talk about it! it was just so . smart! 9. Have there been any happy accidents during the writing process or planning process of your wip(s)? what planning? the happy accident is that i finished writing it. HAHA.  10. Are there any motifs in your wip(s)? Why did you include them? i think i might have mentioned this in some other tag game / post / whatever, but a lot of the motifs are water-related like rivers, fog, things like that. because they’re related to life & death. yup. 11. An extremely rich and pretentious book collector wants to add your book/wip to their collection. The price they’re offering to buy it at would ensure that you would be able to lead a comfortable life (in every aspect, including nutrition and healthcare) until you inevitably die of old age, but they want all rights and claims to your book/wip. Do you sell it to them? If yes, how would you pitch it to them? nope, not gonna sell it to them. giving them complete rights and claims is a crazy idea. it means basically they can do whatever they want to my work and i know that they’d definitely ruin it with by forcing in a heterosexual romantic relationship (i have no romance in my book and i am keeping it that way!) and probably try to do this big twist / unexpected reveal (my book really has no twists) and insert an insidious conspiracy or plot-line, and well, that’d be a really different book then. i think my book is kinda unique because it doesn’t really have any of those points (or much or a plot, really, besides characters just talking and interacting in a common setting) so i’m sure by selling off my rights, my entire manuscript will get like a complete makeover that i might not be happy with. also, he’s a pretentious book collector. my book isn’t pretentious (i hope). it’s full of nonsense! go find some business elsewhere! i’m also pretty lazy to come up with new questions, so i’m going to tag a few people and if you want, you can answer to the same questions! @rhiannon-writes @coffehousecreations @gettingitwrite @lexaawrites @bookenders

[searchingmycolours]

attention PG / my love life

so i’m here thinking that most of my crushes were platonic (so squishes to be exact), except three relationships i had. one was with the first boy i ever kissed, the other with the father of my child and the last one with a friend of a friend of a friend (almost a stranger) that i met on a night club. my ex (the father), i loved him like i never had anyone else. well, until my son was born. i loved him in many ways: it was platonic, but also romantic, and sexual and aesthetical. until it became only platonic and kind of sexual (does this makes sense?). i didn’t have the urge to kiss him, or hug him or have sex with him on regular days, but when i craved for affection and/or sex (aka when i was feeling needy or my libido was high) i didn’t mind to be intimate with him and even reached climax. it never felt like before, though, when i had romantic feelings about him. i thought i had fall in love multiple times, but since i found out about squishes, i ‘m questioning that. i never pursued a relationship with them. i don’t know if it was because i was too shy or thought i didn’t deserve or know how to be in a relationship or if it was really lack of desire to be with them. 

i didn’t feel like i needed a boyfriend ever, but seeing all my friends dating made me feel like there was something wrong with me. that maybe i wasn’t beautiful enough, or interesting enough, or intelligent enough, or good enough to have someone to like me. or to want to be with me. it was true that i didn’t know how to be a girlfriend, when i kissed that first boy we supposedly were together but i ran away from him everytime i saw him because i didn’t know how to react. it was a confusing situation because i was 17 and he was two years younger than me. he also was in my sister’s class. people (read family) said to me that i was dating a child and that he didn’t really love me anyway, he wanted my sister instead but couldn’t have her so he chose me. i don’t know if it was true but even if it was, it’s a very hurtful thing to say. also, my sister is known (well, she isn’t. most people think she’s perfect, but i know the truth) to be manipulative. somehow she did the dirty stuff and i always got the blame. but that’s another story. well, that “love story” lasted for only two weeks, in reality just one because the last 5 days i didn’t have any notice from him. then i receive a text message, while he was on the same bus as me (we took it at the same bus stop, he acting like he didn’t know me - he was with a friend), saying: we’re done. he explained he was going through a difficult situation and that couldn’t be with me. to this day (and i’m 37 now, so twenty years from then) i still don’t know what happened. i got to know that my sister armed a big fuss and started talking bad about him to the whole school. the guy thought it was me that asked her. but i was too sad and i loved him too much to do such a thing. i also know that my sister didn’t do that to protect me. maybe it was the other way around. she wanted him, but he wanted me. and maybe she found a way to make his life miserable and break up with me. i don’t know, maybe i’m conspiring here. it still messes with me, yeah. because my first experience (and actually all of them) on love was a mess. i think that this set the tone for how i looked at relationships. i still don’t know how to navigate them with ease. then i had another relationship but it was purely platonic and i realized we were better as friends. we talked a lot through the phone and in person but the moment we decided to date we stopped having things to say. it was hours of dead silence on the phone because neither of us had the courage to hang up. it seems funny and pathetic at the same time, now that i reminesce that. one day he left town and a few months later i lost his contact. i never talked with him again, but i miss our conversations greatly. next it was this guy i met on 2002 or 2003. i didn’t like him but he was forcing into me and i didn’t know how to say no. so i began a relationship with him. by relationship i mean being on his car once a month kissing. and he trying to have sex with me, which made me very uncomfortable. all his conversations were about sex. i was a virgin and i wasn’t ready to lose it. specially for him. but it happened. i was so tired of saying no, that for him to shut up i said yes. it was an awful experience. i will narrate it, so if you don’t like graphic stuff jump to the next paragraph, please. he was on top of me, i don’t remember any kissing or caressing or any other act that showed love. it was pure lust and desire of sex. that kind of sex where you solely put your dick inside a woman, have your climax and go. he used a condom. it was hurting like hell, and i just layed there. i did nothing. he asked if it was hurting. i said yes but he didn’t stop. he just kept doing it until he finished it. “luckily”, it wasn’t for too long as probably he wasn’t having sex for a long time and all he wanted was a hole. oh, he left the dirty condom on the nightstand and I had to put it on the trash. that was the most disgusting thing about it all and probably the most traumatic part. i can’t explain why. but it was like reliving the whole situation and having to touch that part of him... i truly hated him (still do) for make me do that. i felt raped, twice. next morning, i was odly quiet. he noticed but didn’t try too much to make me feel better. a few days from that i broke up with him and he insulted me. then i started dating my ex, in 2004, we were together for 14 years. it was a relationship full of passion, love and fire. for the good and for the bad. we were toxic to each other, as none of us were properly loved before and we didn’t know how to manage our feelings or how to be happy together. but i was so blinded by love that i did everything i could to make it work. of course it didn’t work because i needed to heal myself first. the way i tried to fix the relationship was only destroying it more because i wasn’t doing it right. during that relationship i had a squishe for another guy. i also was going through a very low self esteem period. i didn’t feel sexy or wanted (not even from my boyfriend as we only spent time together to have sex...). i thought that having an affair would make me feel better, desired. so we kissed and tried to have sex. he was a virgin and even haven’t kissed a girl before. it didn’t work out, of course. i realized i had no true feelings for him and i also felt devasted for betraying my boyfriend. i decided to end the friendship. the guy felt hurt, and wrote a short story (he was an amateur writer) telling bad about all the girls he had a crush on, me included. i felt used, once again. but glad i decided to not speak with him again. my last “relationship” was three years ago (before the pandemic) with the guy at the club. i was euphoric by the atmosphere and the dancing. i love to dance. i had a few drinks but i was sober. a guy came hugging me from behing and i distanced. i just wanted to enjoy my own self. he respected my decision. and maybe that’s why a few moments later we kissed. and it felt so damn good we didn’t stop. haha he revealed himself a very kind person but i had to put him on “friend zone” because he had a habit, that i won’t reveal here, that made me uncomfortable. as for squishes, i had another one (still having?) that started four or five years ago. i didn’t even realized i was falling for him until i found out he wasn’t single and i felt sad. my thought only: fuck, i fell in love again. to notice that i was still together with my ex. at that time i thought it was a crush and i really became obsessed by him. or obsessed of thinking and talking about him. because it felt awkward when people told me things about his personal life that they shouldn’t tell me and that i think i didn’t have the right to know. he wasn’t my friend, just my instructor. i had nothing to do with his personal life. i had the desire to meet him, but never to have a relationhip with him. what i wanted the most was to get to know him, so i could know his imperfections and break the spell. so i could stop having a crush (squish?) on him. but, at the same time, i wanted him to know how i felt and i wanted to do things for him and help him in any way i could. but i also do that to my dear friends, or to people that inspire me. and he was an inspiration to me. i loved the way he loves his job. and how well he performes it. and how he is always trying to improve and to make his students comfortable and happy. i wanted (still do) to be that way as well. i find that i get little squiches for people that inspire me. be it boys or girls (i don’t refer to other <a>genders because i don’t know anyone on that range. yet). and i always become a little obsessed with them and want to know everything about them, so i can take a bit of them with me and feel confident in doing the wonderful things they are doing, and being the amazing beings they already are. if you read this far, thank you. and also: you’re crazy. but i like crazy. ;) send me a dm. like, really.

[jinggerbread]

LDR Hacks

Nothing lasts forever, even the distance between the two of us.

I am geographically separated from my boyfriend and yes, it sucks. This setup is something that both of us never imagined getting into, but I guess unplanned moments in our lives often lead us to the best destinations. Despite us both being not into commitment, we both embarked on this frustrating, torturous life of being in a long distance relationship. When I say long distance, I really mean it – he lives more than 8000 miles away and 14 hours behind my timezone. I know that the majority don’t believe in LDRs but in spite of our doubts during the early stage of our relationship, there are some important things that I have learned being committed to someone I don’t get to be with everyday. There are a lot of struggles LDR couples experience everyday  but if you badly want something, there shouldn’t be a reason not to find solution to every problem you have.

You are probably here because you would like to know how to survive long distance relationships, here are my 2 cents on how-to-LDR: 

1. It’s either you  have to talk super early, or super late. So either both or one of us don’t get the best of sleep everyday.

Remember that LDRs require a special form of communication, so if you want to always remind your partner that you think about him, at least send a cheesy line or anything that would make your partner smile. A simple compliment will do.

Tip: 

Try to schedule your day ahead especially if you have different time zones. Well, it works for us sometimes but in our case, we have made our everyday routine more natural. We both go to work so we don’t get the the entire day for each other but we always make sure that we always have a time to leave messages for each other.

2. You don’t get to celebrate special occasions together.

Pros:

This saves money! You don’t need to actually buy gifts for one another (yet).

Dates are not yet necessary.

You get to spend holidays and other special occasions twice. 

Tip:

Video call. THIS IS A MUST. If it is not that convenient for the two of you to do a video call, at least make time to do a phone call. It doesn’t need to be a super long conversation but just feeling the presence of your person on a special day will make you feel like you guys are spending it together. If neither phone call or video call is possible:

Send a special message and add a cute selfie. Trust me, this one really works.

We have actually spent the new year twice – I called him first minutes of 2018 my time and he did the same first minute of 2018, his time. 

3. Boring conversations.

Though this is something that we are really not struggling with, I’ll share some tips to spice your conversation up.

Tips:

Be humorous. This is essential. Crack jokes, make funny remarks about people (be careful with this), share funny stories about yourself or your personal experiences.

Make him curious. This will make him interested about you. Curiosity always make conversations intense. This will make him feel eager to talk to you each day. Changing topics in the middle of the conversation will make him beg for you to continue what you were saying. Make sure to spill the rest of your story in a timely manner though, because this might result to conflict. This isn’t good for people who doesn’t like cliffhangers.

Teach each other something new. Open a lot of topics. Don’t just talk about your relationship and your plan of meeting up every damn time because this might irritate one or the other. Learning new stuff every day is an achievement especially if it’s taught by your partner.

Be spontaneous. It is fun to talk in a very spontaneous manner, just talk about everything around you. This is a training for the two of you especially if you are planning to be with each other in the future for a long time.

4. Uncertainty about your future together.

Although both of you know that you love each other, there are still some instances that you will be uncertain about what’s gonna happen in the future. There are still some tiny doubts that rises in your heart sometimes.

Tips:

Focus on what is happening on the present time. Enjoy your time being apart. Be the best version of yourself everyday for him, and for yourself. Everything else will follow.

Risk. It is always worth it to give it a try, because whether you win or lose, you know you didn’t just let the opportunity pass.

Think of your relationship as if you are doing an online shopping. Imagine yourself looking at a very nice camera you saw online. You haven’t got to it yet. You just saw pictures of it. You just read its features through blogs/articles and heard good reviews about it. But deep in your heart, you know that you badly want it and you will do everything just to get one so you save up and possibly sacrifice some things just for the sake of getting one. You don’t have an idea if it is exactly it is gonna be once it is in your hands already, but you’ll buy it anyway.

Plan things. Whether it is a small or a big plan, do it. Make a timeline or a checklist. It will make both of you look forward to your future together. Maybe an Asian trip, a beach trip or a plan of living together in nice apartment in New York City will excite the both of you. Just make sure not to bug your partner about it all of the time especially if you both know that your plans are not achievable the soonest. Plan, but also set proper expectations. Set realistic goals to make sure to not disappoint your partner.

5. Fear of being cheated on or being not good enough.

This is a common fear even to the regular couples. “I am afraid that you might fall for someone else” or “I am afraid you might get back with your ex” or maybe telling your friend about your fear of your partner cheating on you are common thoughts of an LDR couple.

Tips:

Let him do everything he wants. Give each other the gift of space. Let him do everything he wants until he feels that “everything” isn’t necessary because he will finally realize that you are his everything. Giving him freedom about choosing what he wants to do will give him time to contemplate about lots of things. He will do it if he wants to. People have this urge to do things that you tell them not to. If you will keep on telling your partner not to do certain things, chances are he will be tempted to do it. Well I am saying this because it really does happen, but not with everyone. Again, keep everything natural. If you love each other, you don’t need to always remind him not to cheat because that shit is annoying tbh. A little reminder saying “I am afraid to lose you, I love you ;)” is enough.

Be aware. You need to know if the things you do especially the activities you do that require going out with other people is okay with him. Just doing things with the assumption of your activities being OK with your partner isn’t a good idea. Always consider his feelings. Be aware of what makes him jealous and once you already know about his thoughts, talk about it until everything gets clear.

Avoid anything that will potentially make a buildup of jealousy. Simply ignoring any texts from the opposite sex makes is a big factor. I’m sure that if you love a person, you will never be tempted to do it anyway. Remember, trust.

Making your relationship Facebook official. Reminder: This isn’t just to brag. This may sound corny, but I guess it isn’t love if isn’t cheesy (why are you even in an LDR if you don’t consider yourself corny). It doesn’t mean that you need to post each and every conversation you have to your Facebook timeline because that will surely annoy your friends and even your closest family members. This helps because this makes your partner feel that you are proud of your relationship. Make sure to talk about it though, because it requires a lot of courage. Being Facebook official is a big deal (especially to girls ;) ) In addition, this will prevent people hitting and sliding to your partner’s DM.

6. Satisfying each other’s sexual needs. 

WE ARE HUMAN BEINGS. This is one of the biggest problem once you engage yourself in a long distance relationship. It is a human need. It is an expression of love. It’s frustrating when you can’t even touch or even kiss your partner.

Pros:

Abstinence. It makes you abstain from any form sexual interaction given the fact that you are faithful to your long distance partner, hence no fear of having unwanted pregnancies especially to teenagers. 

Delayed gratification. It makes you long for your partner which makes the love making more satisfying when you finally get to do it in person.

Tips:

You need to both agree on this. You need to be comfortable talking about sex and being open-minded about doing all the crazy sexy stuff. 

Do not be excessively conscious about being naughty to one another. There isn’t much to worry about it in reality because this part of the relationship should happen naturally.

Make your partner feel good about himself so he won’t feel hesitant since online sex still remains as a taboo topic to most of the people.

Don’t forget to give your partner compliments and talk a little dirty to each other. DO NOT be afraid to be open about this to your partner because in the long run, if you’re really serious about being together, you will experience more crazy and naughty stuff together.

There is a lot more to discover about being in a long distance relationship, and I might update this post in the future because I know that there’s more that I get to discover about my current relationship along the way.  Every type of relationship is unique whether it be an LDR or a regular relationship where you get to be with the person you love. 

Everything that I have written might be too much to digest but as what I have mentioned, love should be natural. It looks like it takes a lot of effort and can easily be broken but in reality, there is not an end to a relationship born out of friendship, communication, understanding , trust, patience and love.

[curtisgrahamcracker]

✨My opinion so far/Theory to get to Level 18 on Dream daddy: A Dad Dating Simulator!✨

I’ll put this under read more just to be safe but If you do decide to read up, just know this contains spoilers! 💕

I’m defenetly down to talk about DDADDS with anyone, just not about things I haven’t touched on in the post! I’m still trying to figure everything out on my own ((If you want to talk about Level 18 PLEASE don’t call it something else aside from Level 18 since other names for it are spoilers on their own))))

Alright, so far I think everyone around me is well aware at how much time I’ve spent in the past days playing this game. I really didn’t expect to like it as much as I do! The graphics are really nice, the story is well written and the dad puns made me laugh so much. Of course no games is perfect and DDADDS isn’t an exeption but I don’t have a lot of “complaits” which, in my book, makes for a great game! I think the only thing I’d change is how cartoony the Main Character is drawn creates a disconect from how pretty and soft all the characters look. It’s not a super big deal but it’s still something that I wished was different. 

I love all the dads (with a preference to Craig, Damien and Robert). I think the only dad I’m not super in love with might be Brian just because I consider myself to be Humble and he brags just a little to much for me (he is a great dad non-the-less tho.) As far as my playthrough goes right now,This is my progress Brian Ending achieved: Good ending Went on Dates: 1, 2 and 3 Joseph Ending achieved: Neutral and Good (working to figure out level 18) Went on Dates: 1, 2 and 3 Hugo  Ending achieved:  Good ending Went on Dates: 1, 2 and 3 Mat Ending achieved: Good ending Went on Dates: 1, 2 and 3 Damien Ending achieved: Good ending Went on Dates: 1, 2 and 3 Robert Ending achieved: Bad ending and Good ending (I have no clue if he has a neutral one I didn’t try yet) Went on Dates: 1, 2 and 3 Craig Ending achieved: Neutral ending and Good ending Went on Dates: 1, 2 and 3 About Mary: I know that you can meet with mary at the bar twice. The first time she ask you to bring her home. right there and then you can either choose to bring her home yourself or call a cab. The second time this happen everything is the same except this time she’s mad. she basically go on to insinuate that it isn’t Joseph’s first time cheating on her (which wOW JOSEPH YOU FUCK). To my knowlege there’s no way she leaves the bar not Mad at you. you can try it all she’s always mad when she leaves. So far I know that if you don’t go meet Robert and Mary before the BBQ this won’t happen. (you’ll also more likely get it before your second date with Joseph.) Also You do get to learn about her a little bit more on Damian’s 3rd date which is really nice! I’m also thinking that Damien and Mary are related. They just look very alike? also wouldn’t it be funny that Mary’s last name would be Bloodmarch (maiden name? maybe a wink to Bloody Mary??)

                                     About secrets and Level 18

I “accidentally” died on Joseph’s date trying to get bad/low rankings thinking It might give me the bad ending. Surprisingly enough you can have A’s and bellow and you’re still going to get the neutral ending. I’m aware that you can Die on other dates and I did achieve them (on Craig and Brian’s last dates)

Another thing I’m eager to get to is Level 18. I mildly saw some tiny spoilers going around and I did my own investigating in my steam files. The text is there in the “configuration” file, the pictures are probably in there too which means that technically this is still something that can be played. (Again I didn’t read much in the file I found because I’d rather play it if it’s achievable.) I’m so curious to see how that route goes. I know it’s the bad ending but I feel like It might actually be more interesting.

From what I did saw There needs to be a knife and I know that Robert gives you a knife on your second date. So I’m thinking that If you manage to play your cards right you can probably get mary to steal it from you (unless she alredy has one). Plus I saw a screen cap of Robert that told the main character that he didn’t trust Joseph ((I have 0 clue on how they got there but I’m sure it’s because they were on the right track to level 18!))

This is all specualtion on my part but at this point I think this is requiered to achieve this ending. ((If anyone has the for sure way to achieve it plese DM me))

Again, I’m defenetly down to talk about DDADDS with anyone who wants to ASIDE from it’s anything I haven’t touched on yet! I’m still trying to figure everything out on my own ((IF you REALLY want to talk about Level 18 don’t call it something else, it’s a spoiler in itself so please. refer to it as Level 18)))) Thank you for reading this mess It was fun to writte! Good luck with your own dream dads!! :) <3

[news-mashable-yahoopartner-blog]

Instagram verification will make you Public Enemy No. 1

This piece is part of an ongoing series exploring what it means to be a woman on the internet. 

In a folder on my phone called “PUBLIC FIGURE,” I save screenshots of some of the most outrageous messages strangers have sent me since I got verified on Instagram, primarily because I still can’t believe I get so many. There are dozens of DMs that demand to know “why tf” and “how tf” I got a little blue badge. 

People will scrawl “who are you lmao” under a bunch of my photos all at once, which is a singularly mortifying experience that has no equivalent on Twitter or Facebook, where my profiles also have blue ticks. On a few occasions, I’ve commented on a celebrity or brand’s post, then watched as the replies to my original comment devolve into a fight over whether a person can buy verification and, if so, whether that’s what I did. To be clear, I didn’t. I’m a journalist and was verified for my job. My profile is categorized under “Journalist” and a Story highlight full of screenshots of my work appears right at the top of my profile.

The messages are sorted into my “requests” folder but are often accompanied by a push notification telling me a user “wants to send [me] a message.” I always know what it will say before I even unlock my phone to check. By far the worst one came from a user who asked how to get a tick a few times and when I didn’t answer, viewed my Story, noticed I was watching Gossip Girl for the first time, and sent me a spiteful DM telling me who Gossip Girl was, spoiling the show. 

In receiving this unexpected aggression, anger, and attention, I’m not alone. Several women verified on Instagram told me similar stories — with their experiences ranging from annoying to creepy to scary. And yet, men in media who I spoke to about this phenomenon generally have positive feelings about Instagram since being verified. No, this isn’t representative of all men, but it’s been shown that women are twice as likely to face online harassment and the men I spoke to didn’t report, say, getting unsolicited dick pics at a higher rate.

The DMs I get may seem trivial compared to revenge porn or other online harassment people face daily, but my “PUBLIC FIGURE” folder has evolved from an uncomfortable joke to a museum dedicated to the hostility that manifests itself in various ways for women across the internet and in real life. The messages may not necessarily be dangerous, but other manifestations certainly are, which is why they’re all worth investigating.

According to Instagram, the checkmarks are designed simply to “help people more easily find the public figures, celebrities, and brands they want to follow,” but among users, they function more or less as a mysterious status symbol. The general assumption is that Instagram either confers a marking arbitrarily on accounts with thousands of followers or the people behind smaller accounts buy them.

How I got the tick

When my former boss asked me if I wanted my Instagram account submitted for verification, it never occurred to me the small marking would be controversial. All I felt was a little excitement, but I tried to be cool with my response. 

I probably said something like, “Yeah, that would be super funny,” which, two years later, it still totally is, even though the tiny tick has brought me an outsized amount of harassment.

I don’t really self-identify as a public figure, celebrity, or brand; I’m a young woman who works in media, which bizarrely qualifies me for the badge as much as it qualifies Oprah. If and when I use my account to reach out to sources or act on behalf of a media company, it needs to be clear I’m not bluffing. 

At present, I have about 2,600 followers. Similarly, 2,900 accounts follow my Twitter, which is also verified and is where I actually post my work, but I’ve never gotten any harassing messages about my verification on that platform. Twitter’s indefinite pause on verifying users may contribute to that — or perhaps, a Twitter verification doesn’t have the same weight as one from Instagram on the social media totem pole. At any rate, I’m expected to have a badge on the app where I share links to my articles, not on the one where I share pictures of my face. Getting Instagram verification almost felt subversive, if self-serving. 

It also felt surprisingly validating to meet the standards for obtaining something so ostensibly prestigious. The feelings of success and belonging would prove short-lived, but there was a part of me, at first, that saw the badge as a sign I’d somehow made it, at least in terms of an admittedly subjective importance.

Like I said, though, I wanted to seem aloof with my boss, not like I actually cared. Online, it often seems like sincerity is the enemy of prosperity, but the dirty little secret is that we all do care. That’s why I ended up saying I wanted to be on the verification list with the rest of my coworkers even though I knew my friends were going to make fun of me for taking myself so seriously. (And they do!)

I was expecting the attention and ribbing from my friends, but I wasn’t expecting the explosion of outrage from total strangers. As it turns out, there are people who care a lot about their online image and have no problem making it known they, too, want a checkmark, even if it’s obvious they don’t know what its purpose is.

The "public figure" folder

The proof is in the “PUBLIC FIGURE” folder.

I’ve fielded emails and text messages about the checkmark, which always feel invasive, because I have contact information available on the page since, well, the whole point of the verified profile is to enhance my ability to do my job. I don’t usually respond to the messages or comments, but when I do, I just write that I work in media and didn’t buy anything. “I’m sure you didn’t get yours the right way because you don’t have much fans,” someone wrote back once, which is a pretty common theme among the messages, although the moralistic resentment over “the right way” added a unique touch.

Notably, four guys I’ve gone out with have brought it up in person, each with a different combination of annoyance and awe. One of them was an aspiring entertainer with no concrete acting credits. He admitted to googling me before our date (which was both our first and last one), then indignantly told me that if either of us should be verified, it was him, the actor. Another also worked in media and was frustrated no one at his organization knew anyone at Facebook, Instagram’s parent company, who could make it happen for him. I sipped my drink. What am I supposed to say to that?

I reached out to the Gossip Girl spoiler, who is purportedly a British teen, for this piece and they agreed to chat, but quickly retracted the agreement when I asked about the whole show-spoiling thing. The user did tell me I could quote this: “When I sent them things it was a joke and I never thought you’d open them because of your tick.” 

SEE ALSO: Instagram's 'Hashtag Mindfulness' boom: The good, the bad, and the ugly

It’s not a joke, though, and if it were, it would be much less funny to the verified women I spoke to than the verified men. (Instagram declined to comment for this article, as did a few verified users claiming to be selling badges in the comments of celebrity posts.)

What about the others?

Andrew Kirell, the senior editor at The Daily Beast who has 755 Instagram followers, says he gets more spam messages, but not necessarily harassment. Jon Levine, The Wrap’s media editor who has 2,105, says his harassment has neither gone up nor down post-checkmarking. KHarlles, a recording artist with 3,178 followers, noted that there has been an increase in DMs inquiring how he got his badge, but largely, getting verified on Instagram “was very positive” and has been useful to his career.

Polly A., a verified musician with over 12,500 followers on the platform, however, doesn’t agree that the tick is useful in any way. She’s noticed “no effect” beyond “annoyed” messages from unverified users: “I guess the only thing I notice is that some people almost make you feel unworthy for having one if you’re not ‘famous.’”

When asked about any effect she’s seen since getting her checkmark, a female journalist with a little over 1,000 followers asked to remain anonymous (as did every woman in media contacted for this story, for fear of further harassment). Granted anonymity, she confided she’s seen a definite increase in not only the sort of spam reported by Kirell and KHarlles, but “weird guys” and “creepy messages” from men. The dick pics and “inappropriate comments” she described aren’t uncommon for any woman online, but the amount she receives tripled after she was verified on Instagram from one or two a month to five or six. 

A second woman in media whose follower count sits around 3,000 said she, too, got an “insane amount” of spam DMs from people who wanted to purchase her account, but those halted and gave way to a wave of men offering out-of-line opinions on her appearance. 

Another woman in media I spoke to declined verification altogether simply because getting it would have meant she would need to make her account public, which she was unwilling to do. 

All of this raises a question, of course: Is it worth it? For women, especially, is solidifying a brand or public position through the use of the app’s verification badges really worth it? 

For the most part, in spite of creepy messages and straight-up aggression, no one I spoke to, whether in entertainment or media, said they fully regretted getting the tick. Almost everyone mentioned a bump in engagement and, honestly, a little self-aware gloating among friends (along with the same roasting by those friends that I correctly anticipated, too).

Moreover, media women who have seen an increase in the receipt of creepy messages or unwelcome nudes noted that yes, their messages to potential sources get answered faster and more reliably than messages sent by unverified colleagues. Even with my relatively low following, I, too, noticed that when seeking out sources for this story and others, I got a solid response rate I just didn’t see before I got that badge. When it needs to, the checkmark does its job. It also happens to bring a lot of anger and dick pics with it.

Whether being verified is “worth it,” then, depends entirely on what “worth it” means to each individual. We already know women experience more harassment just for being Online While Female. The extra visibility of appearing at the top of comment sections or searches can only add to that.

One artist, Thea & The WIld, who has 2,545 followers, shared a particularly rosy outlook about her checkmark and whether getting it was worth it. “[W]hen I search for known people I want to follow, I obviously look for the verification sign to avoid ‘fake’ profiles and weird content,” she said. 

She’s received a few nice messages from fans, she added, and while she’s concerned overall about the general addictiveness and vapidness of social media, she still gleans a little joy from her badge, which is probably the attitude we should all try to have: “For me, I think it just felt positive and probably affected some dopamine in my brain when that tiny mark appeared.” 

If I could go back in time to the moment my former boss asked if I wanted to get verified, I’d probably still do it, too, even though I audibly groan whenever I get a push notification alerting me that someone I don’t know “wants to send me a message” on the app. After all, it does its job of identifying me as a legitimate, trustworthy professional, even though one user did rather unkindly (but fairly!) surmise I must not be “one of the better known” journalists after I commented on an influencer’s post. Like other women harassed online, I’ve embraced blocking and deleting and I can’t recommend it enough.

Maybe one day I’ll grow into my badge and have the kind of account that seems like it ought to have one to the average user, but I know if and when that happens, I’ll face harassment for something new, simply for being a woman on the internet. In the meantime, at the risk of committing the most grievous online sin and seeming like I care, I invite you to follow me on Instagram. I’m verified, you know!   

Lindsey Ellefson is a journalist who lives in New York. Find her on Twitter, @ellefs0n.

WATCH: Queen Elizabeth II posted on Instagram for the first time

[checkyesifulikeme]

this is just me being emo over my boyfriend because a month or so ago we decided today’s our one year and i Love him so you don’t need to read this like at all but if you want to....b my guest! 

i never in 1 million years thought i would meet someone like dorian. NEVER. never never never. listen. the ~year or so before we met was my first time being single and feeling completely okay. feeling happier than i’d ever felt before just exploring my interests and making new friends and doing new things, i’ll always cherish that time because i really feel like that’s when i began to know me as i am today. i always felt so detached from who i was growing up. i never made many friends, throughout middle school i was almost completely alone save for my online friends who i love with my whole heart and am still friends with almost a decade later like.........what. but anyways i was so alone and feverishly rejected every aspect of myself that i felt made me so alone. i was too quiet, too shy, too anxious, too sad, too ugly, too hairy, not smart enough, not funny enough. i’ve criticized myself like this from as early as i can remember. on my 5th birthday i walked away from the little area in the park we’d cleared for my party and played alone by my favorite tree, probably pretending to be a jungle cat or something like that. only within the past couple of years did i realize that all of these things ‘hindering’ me are not actually hindering me at all. the only thing hindering me is my repetitive thoughts of “don’t be like this. you are *insert negative thing here* because you are like this. be like them. be like anything Other. just stop doing what You are doing.” and for a very long time i didn’t realize how damaging this was. i always looked up to my father as a child, like he could do no wrong to me i loved him so very much. but he used to be colder than he is now (he’s softened a bit w age/being w a pisces woman for 10+ years) so he had a very deadpan sense of humor and sometimes made remarks that dug deeper than i think he knew into my soft skin. my dad was never abusive, moreso just disconnected in a way many men are, i think. insensitive is a good word. and i’ve always been hypersensitive yet longed so deeply to be exactly like my father. calloused, but funny. able to pick up and play any instrument i wanted to. good at math. all of that! he built his own bass guitar. i think some of my intense obsession with self critique stems from that idealization of a semi-callous man from a very young age. i’ve always been deeply sensitive and easily bruised but i pretend not to be. i downplay my pain. i downplay my scars. i laugh while i tell stories of being blind-sided by my best friend all while i have a symbol of our friendship inked into the back of my arm (no i don’t regret it). i sat alone with the thought of my mother going to prison. i downplayed my pain. my ex cracked a joke about being my “new mom.” i went home and cried for hours.

but anyways. i’m so off track i really didn’t mean for this to turn into my life story but i have always been super self reflective as i said before. but ANYWAYS. dorian and i began talking after that year or so of being alone. i went from an abusive relationship i’d been in from ages 15-17 to dating an alcoholic 4 years my senior to dating his co-worker who i secretly couldn’t stand. and then i was alone and i was happy and i felt like Me for the first time since i was 15 years old. i was done running from sitting with myself. after said year went by i decided i wanted to say fuck it and just talk to some boys i thought were cute cause i knew i had it like that and was like let’s just be a silly lil ho! but that shit is hard first of all idk why boys do That like i was exhausted from it all bitch it wasn’t even fun. but anyways one of the boys was my Now bf dorian and i thought he was the biggest fuckboy like he exhibited prime fuckboy behavior. before that we’d followed each other for like over a year on twitter and i’d curved him twice so i didn’t rly want to DM him (i thought it would look suspicious of me or something) so instead i found his insta and followed it and played the Waiting game and it worked! we started talking and basically we had like the worst compatibility ever over text imo so i wasn’t that into it but he was cute as h*ll to me so i said fuq it baby! we ended up meeting a few weeks later when i drove 2ish hours up to his city with my then best friend to go to a *** *** concert (i will not expose who this is LMAO) so we had like. 30 minutes to meet beforehand and he was highhhhhhhh off his ass when he rounded the corner of the cafe we were meeting at bitch was toasted bitch was fried out his mind i’m telling U..and the entire time he just flamed my shit. and i literally could not tell for the life of me if he liked me or if he was just saying fuck it and doing whatever. oh also i bought him baby pink nail polish as a surprise because he’d mentioned missing having pink nails but he ran out of his polish so i was like ! on the drive up and stopped at a target to find him one (pretty big move for me TBH i’m so shy about people enjoying their gifts especially a STRANGER like..). but he liked it and i was happy. then that night we were texting once i got back to my city and we teased each other a lot but then the teasing turned into making actual solid plans for him to come stay at my house for a couple of days. i was extremely nervous as you can imagine like i’m a Woman and he’s a Strange Man from another City coming to stay in my Home but my crackhead ass did it anyways and i didn’t die and this all has a happy ending so! that’s good. great even. but yes he came down and stayed the night. the next morning while we were getting breakfast and talking was when i realized oh damn i might actually,,really like him? the night before i’d just felt sorta on edge and paranoid because i have a lot of #trama and don’t trust my own judgement very well due to prior abuse so i was just extremely on guard but my walls came down a tiny tiny bit the next day. we agreed on almost everything and liked a lot of the same stuff, like every other sentence was “me too!” to the point that i thought he was fucking w me just to impress me or something/i was worried he thought i was doing the same. we drove back up to his city that night w a friend of mine to go to Another concert (lana del rey, i’ll expose this one) and i just remember having this feeling deep in my chest. not even butterflies. like when you stick a marshmallow on a branch and shove it into the flames of a campfire and the fluff bubbles and pops and drips the coal below, coating it in a sticky hot glaze. that’s how my heart felt. i listened to the shadows by peter & kerry and chanel by frank ocean and passion fruit by drake (lmfao) and felt like a marshmallow perpetually engulfed in flames. i felt so happy i could cry. i felt a little scared too but mostly happy. that’s also something i’ve read before that always stuck with me. something to do with when you meet the right person it’s not supposed to feel like an excited delirious fit of insects in your belly it’s supposed to feel calm and warm and comforting. and that’s kind of how it felt. i don’t know if that’s a 100% worldly truth because i don’t believe there is ever any one right way of Experiencing anything but i just remember thinking about that quote sometimes and being like “huh.” 

after that initial feeling of falling in love it just kept going. we saw each other for 2ish days every week from then on, until he evntually moved down here at the beginning of august. we’d only been dating for 6 months but a combination of unexpected situations just sorta pushed things along rather quickly. but i wasn’t nervous. which was strange because both of my longer term relationships got a bit rocky around discussing our futures together. i always claimed to dislike thinking too far ahead but in reality i disliked thinking about being tied to said people in said way. but with dorian i just felt joy. we stopped at ikea “just to look” on the way down and bought a vegetable knife, a cat bed for winnie and wesley,  a collapsible tunnel they never played in, 2 giant asymmetrical mauve plates, tupperware with yellow lids and lots of other miscellaneous stuff we didn’t really need nor did we have the money for.

as hard as 2018 was for me i would never reverse a second of it. not for anything in the entire world. i slowly lost all of my high school friends. i slowly lost my mind a little bit too. but he stuck with me through every bit of it. i can’t even begin to get into every wild ass thing that went down throughout the past year but we stood together through it all and that feels so fucking good. i sat on the phone before we lived together and listened to him cry because the world is too cold and i cried with him because i was freezing. he picked me up and carried me home when i ran out of the house crying so hard my head was spinning and i couldn’t see past my tears after the end of one of my longest friendships. a man stared at us from across the street and i sobbed until i couldn’t breathe. 

we’re not perfect people and sure anything could happen. we could break up tomorrow. sure. believe me i know that anything can happen. like i said earlier, i have a sizeable matching tattoo with an ex best friend who i essentially thought i’d end up buried next to. but like i said earlier, no, i don’t regret it. and i would never regret love like this. but i also don’t think i will have to. never have i met someone who wants to understand me so fully. who loves me so unconditionally. who gave me the time to open up and decipher my thoughts and feelings and didn’t get tired of it. who helped me to realize that it isn’t me not functioning like ‘every one else’ that’s the problem, it was the self hatred bred from me believing that in the first place. acceptance. he accepted me as i was and i accepted him as he was. i remember saying i felt like i needed someone like me when it came to relationships. growing up i was very drawn to “opposites attract!” and sayings like that, most likely because of my self deprecating disposition, but after the end of my second relationship i knew i was wrong. my whole life i have felt misunderstood and disconnected and alone in my head and like the butt of every joke like a punchline on loop. he was the first person to ever really take me out of that. to sit there while i cried and babbled incoherently about how i just couldn’t put the words together to express why i was upset or tell anyone where it hurts. why i was anxious. why i was mad. i remember clearly sitting with him in my old apartment while my ex roommate/best friend was at work and  crying and saying i didn’t know how to ‘say it’ and him explaining back to me everything he’d heard from me so far and his interpretation and i cried and cried and cried and i felt seen for maybe the first time in my entire life. i don’t know what’s in me to make me feel so incredibly separate, and to in turn isolate myself out of this immensely penetrating sense of isolation, but he was the first to extend a hand and actually mean it. i’ve been too many people’s empty shell of a girl to project everything they wanted to see onto. it’s easy to do that with someone who rejects themselves because what is there to lose if you’re not afraid to lose it? i wasn’t perfectly healed when we met, i will never be ‘perfectly’ healed. he was not either and i do not expect him to be. i’m only 20 so really what do i know about life at all. nothing lmao. but i know that dorian is my fucking rock. and i’m his fucking rock. and if i asked him if he wanted to move to another city tomorrow and build a house out of rocks we collected on the drive there he would say yes. and i know i’ve never felt afraid with him. i know i’ve never felt demeaned or belittled or laughed at. i know we play like teething puppies who roll around and bite at one another but are always having fun and if one of us goes too far the play immediately stops and we lick each other in apologies and forgiveness and start our play again. i know we can say ‘i’m sorry’ without the slightest bit of hesitation or resentment because what’s the point of meaningless pride in all of this. don’t we hate that shit anyways? i know i stopped off the freeway and chased a dog with you and both of our best friends at the time a mile or so down the road but he just kept running farther and farther away until we eventually gave up on catching him. i know after that we drove back to my city holding hands and listening to the playlist i made you while we drove 80 mph through the inky black desert. i know i glanced over at you mouthing all of the words to a few of the songs. this is one of my favorite memories. the beginning of our love in it’s most raw form, to me at least. i know we texted each other paragraphs and you couldn’t pay me to take me away from those conversations. i know the entanglement of my volatile emotions and pride gets in the way of things sometimes but i also know when to cut it because that shit’s stupid anyways. i know our composite chart has our moon, mercury and venus in the 7th house and that made me smile because the girl on twitter who read sza’s chart said that was a favorable aspect for marriage. i know that i don’t really believe in marriage but i wouldn’t mind celebrating our love and making the playlist for the wedding and probably getting mad over people talking over “this part!” i know that you’ve never once discouraged me or limited me. i know that we’ve been through things together that would cause most to trip and break a bone or two, at least. but not once have i questioned my love for you. i’ve said doubtful things once or twice, but please understand and believe me when i say that it was only out of habit. isolation. i push back when things hurt. it’s easy for me to leap to worst case scenario in the blink of an eye. my formative teenage years were spent with someone who yelled at me and guilt tripped me and demanded and demeaned and demanded and demeaned and when i left for the second time they didn’t demand anything from me that time. it was a couple of hours later when i got a call from my mother telling me they’d attempted suicide immediately after leaving my house. i felt as collapsible as the tunnel our cats never used. everything i was afraid of came true. i’ve lived in fear for a very long time. you’re the first person to show me there is nothing to be afraid of and to love me with no strings attached. you just wanted to understand me as much as i wanted to understand you. you made me feel wanted, but after i’d began wanting myself, too. i’m just happy we met when we did, and i hope you are too. we’re both damaged in different places but maybe the damage only allows for more love to leak out and accumulate in our bloodstreams- just in different ways than we expected. i love you dorian. and i can’t end things i just ramble and connect and ramble and connect until i stop somewhere suddenly. i just love you i love you i love you i love you i love you. i know that i saw angel numbers before we ever met and that angel number turned out to be my life path number (which i found out about a year later). 333. 333. 333. 333. i know if you add 1 to either digit of my birthday you get your birthday (17 & 28). i know we both loved my chemical romance and fetty wap when we were younger. i know your moon is my sun and your rising is my moon and in some strange way that correlates to you telling the same jokes i’m thinking but don’t always have the energy or will to say. i know that i played you a song off the playlist i made for you before i told you it was made for you and you knew it and had sampled it previously and i thought you were fucking with me because it’s not a very well known song. i know that you texted me telling me you found the song and scrapped it and rewrote and recorded it for me and named it after the color of my nails. i know that you are everything i’ve ever wanted in love but could never put into words much like everything else i’ve felt deeply in this life. i know you don’t rush me at thrift stores because you like them as much as i do. i know you and you know me and that’s all i’ve ever wanted. i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you. 

--

The Shadows / Peter & Kerry

Relax my hands on the table Uncurl my fingers to reveal superficial indentations Crescent moon shapes mark the surface of my palms It's twilight: your shadows lurking over again Your shadows lurking over again Try to hinder foolish pride From shooting out my mouth like a gust of wind And blowing out your light All I want is you to shine And I'll wait here with you until sunrise I'll wait here with you until sunrise I'll wait here with you until sunrise I'll wait here with you until sunrise I am blinded by your light Your dark shadows always lurking behind you I am blinded by your light Your dark shadows always lurking behind you And I'll wait here with you until sunrise

[howneatisthat]

In another wreck

It appears I only write here if I’m sad or in my feels. But I suppose this is my outlet to do so. Where do I begin, I’m so lost. So there’s this girl that I like, she’s super cute, hot, smart, funny, quirky, unique, peculiar. And now I’m already upset I’m talking her up so much because does she even deserve it? I have no idea. I don’t know how I feel, if I’m upset, disappointed, sad, bummed, at her, at me, at the situation. There’s so much and it’s fucking me up all over again. That and mixed with drugs which is never a good thing. And I’m not doing drugs because of her, I did drugs to enjoy them with her if that makes sense. I didn’t do it particularly for her, I wanted to share an experience with her, and shit, it made things worse, the after affects at least.

Fuck, I don’t even know why I’m venting this, I’m beginning to get a little frustrated just thinking of the situation. I was supposed to do this and have myself cry because I believed that would make my heavy heart feel better but now I’m just like erghhhh.

I just took a break from writing and got sad again. What in the hell is going on. I wish I had a chance to record my thoughts quicker. As I’m writing, my thoughts slip my mind. Over the past 48 hours I’ve come to so many revelations and have cried to myself yet I don’t have those feelings here to express any longer.

My heart hurts. Yesterday when I came to that realization, I was content. This morning I think I was the most content. I sat on the bus and let me thoughts flow. It all made sense. I blamed no one, things were how they were and I was thankful for experiencing it. But at this very moment it’s hard for me to get back there. I’m so lost, I was hoping to be good so that I may move on but these cares are back, these casual feelings and shit that I don’t want. It’s hard to explain. I thought I was over this hump, not the hump of caring, but being over something. It can’t hurt me if I truly let go and not give a fuck about it.

I’m currently waiting for a text that’ll never arrive and now I’m in a shit situation. I know she’s seen it.

Is she messing with me, I honestly don’t know. I feel for her and her situation which I am deathly afraid to speak about but holy crap, I also want to feel bad for myself, is that okay too, shit? I have feelings too. Can I feel sorry for myself a bit. I know I try and advocate never feeling sorry for yourself, but holy fuck, I’m fucking hurting.

I haven’t even started writing about the damn story yet. Do i just start, fuck it I’m starting from the got damn beginning from what I can recall until now. I have nothing but time, I can’t even focus on shit anymore anyways, I hate how much fucking power I’m giving her, she doesn’t even fucking deserve it!

I don’t want to think negative thoughts about you. I feel that you aren’t trying to do anything malicious but at the same time it’s very possible. Sorry for getting sidetracked, I was supposed to start the story but I think of something else and feel the need to write it down.

We don’t talk anymore (Selena Gomez), and that shit wracks my brain as to why. I have reasons and it sucks because I can’t even come up with an answer. Fuck I hope to obtain closure, it’s a sucky feeling.

Okay, fuck, I’m starting. So it’s Valentine’s Day and I dm this girl on instagram that I see from tinder. She actually responds, what in the hell, this practically never happens. But at the time I was trying to get at the girl in my last post (go figure.) Anyways I probably should’ve hung out with her but I ended up chasing the girl in my last post. We continue to talk and text and actually vibe a bit, what the hell? She’s down to hang out but I don’t get back to her because I’m caught up trying to get something going with the other girl. The next day, we’re still texting. She’s actually pretty down to hang? I tell her ooops, I’m actually leaving soon (I was in Vegas on a work trip at the time), fuck. Let’s hang out if you ever come to CA? She’s actually super down, oh wow. We continue to text and chat it’s pretty awesome. I’m pretty much over this other girl, and then I drop this other other girl that I was also messing with at the time (but that’s a whole other story).

So yeah, I tell her we’re doing stuff in CA, she’s excited, I’m excited, we’re getting plans situated, she even has an idea to come to CA twice! I’m ecstatic. We have a legit connection, she’s being cute with me, and that gives me signs that maybe I can open up a bit and be cute with her, share myself a little although I’m a bit weary. I tell her about a weekend where my friends and I plan to have a beach house, I hope she can come. And she does too. I tell her that my work schedule is kind of sporadic, so I’m not even 100% sure I can make it. She playful gets mad at me and says I better be able to go, she’ll be so mad if I don’t! This is the kind of energy she was sharing with me and putting into me. She sent me sad faces and happy faces and exclamation points etc. We shared so many things with each other, stories, things about ourselves, just playful banter and texting. She was so quick to respond to my messages, we even sent each other little insta stories of ourselves. That shit was cute af. (We don’t do that shit no more).

So the date finally comes, I meet her as she drives all the way from Vegas to Newport Beach to meet us at the club to go hang out. I’m pretty nervous. I meet her, she seems cool, I try and look out for her friend. I figure if I can get on her friend’s good side, I should be good and it’ll help secure my chances of her liking me? I learned this from the movie Hitch and it just made so much sense. So I tried my best and it worked okay for the most part. I got some time to be alone with her and pulled her in for a small kiss and she smiled. And then we kissed again. I was happy. The night goes on, we head back to the air bnb, we’re vibing alright. We’re all getting along with friends and all. We end up hooking up briefly, in the side of the house mind you (I wore protection because I smart). And then we took it to the car. It was late and I think her friend was waiting up in the house so we go back. I wish there was more time. Not for sex, but so we could vibe some more. Her friend is staying in the same room as us, I don’t really mind too too much but yeah. That morning we fool around a bit, it was fun. But wow did I want to have some nice pillow talk and alone time.

We go to the beach from our beach house, hang out, take photos, etc. She even ask her friend to take a photo for her with me. For some reason this really surprised me. It’s a nice day, go eat sushi, spend time together, things are good. But then they have to leave, sad face. They have their trip planned, I hoped they would stay longer but they were going to be in LA. I continue to text her a bit through the day saying I miss her a little. Or maybe she did, I don’t remember who said it first. So the night comes and I’m hoping maybe she’ll come by, or maybe I’ll see her tomorrow. I have to drop my cousin off around LA so i try and catch them before they leave back to Vegas. I pick her a flower because I really want to give it to her, but ultimately things don’t pan out. I send her a pic of the flower and I think she likes it? I’m usually never this sweet or open with a girl in fear of coming off too soft, it makes me feel weak and vulnerable by showing too much feeling but I made a promise to myself I would try and open up more. One very important detail about me is I’m unreasonably scared of being played. I never want to be played so I never put myself out there, can’t get got if I never give them an opportunity right? It’s just my defense mechanism. We end up facetiming that night and chat a bit, it was nice. It was really nice actually. It was one of those we didn’t want to hang up type calls, the movie kind where it’s like no you hang up, no you hang up. We just wanted to stay connected with each other. It was so corny but holy crap it was sweet. It went on for 10 minutes or so, I’ve never had that happen, I felt so cheesy, but my smile was cheesy with it.

The next day or two she talks about coming back in a week! I’m so excited, wow. Things are good, we are talking pretty consistently texting, calls here and there, insta stories etc. But bad timing on her trip, I have plans, visit my grandpa at the cemetery and my grandma’s birthday that weekend. It’s okay. We plan for a different day. I make a joke about not being free, it’s April fools that day and somehow shit backfires and everything changes. That was when things shifted completely, I have no idea what happened. Time goes by and she isn’t too strong on visiting me. Her enthusiasm isn’t there anymore, we don’t really talk as much or call or whatever anymore. Responses are shorter, messages are left on read. I try not to think much of it. Things aren’t as great as I thought they were. I don’t really bring it up because it could probably be all in my head, and I don’t want to come off as too needy. And I’m sure this wasn’t all just due to that joke. But yeah. I don’t recall when this was but I do remember us talking about how well we are with each other, how well we vibe off one another, easy to talk to, share similar yet very different ideas. She would message me late at night or call me when she was drunk and needed someone to talk to, I liked that she looked for me for support. I’m fascinated by her and even share a lot of deep things about how I feel about her. I’m honestly never this open to any girl. This year I promised to be a little more open to girls even if it means getting hurt. So I opened up and shared a lot, things that are never said. I never tell a girl how pretty they are, I usually just make fun of them. That’s my weird jackass way of flirting usually. But with her, I never wanted to hurt her, I just wanted to care of her. I wanted to tell her how pretty she was, how nice she looked. She asked me what I liked about her and I told her, I even told her I adored her. Her response was kind of like “what, really?” At that point and even now I don’t know if that was the best idea. I feel like I might’ve made myself too vulnerable and weak if that makes sense. Maybe she’s manipulating me because she sees how much power she has over me? I don’t know but I try and accept it and be content with sharing that part of me with her. She told me that she liked me and was interested in me because I appeared confident, funny, unique, curious, wanted the best for people, and that we just vibe well. She said she doesn’t usually meet too many people like that and would like to keep them in her life. That’s interesting, I don’t recall when this conversation was, before or after April fools but things changed slowly.

So things aren’t as great as they were before. We talk less, not as much insta stories shared or responses or snaps or whatever. Less phone calls and facetime, all that. Things begin to rack my brain hard. What’s going on? And then 4/21 comes around. The date is important because it follows 4/20. I don’t want to get into too much detail because fuck, it’s still so hard to talk about. Let’s just say it was a life changing event. I know this is my journal and all but can i really put this out there? I’ve already shared so much. Basically, I find out that she was sexually assaulted (I was high when I heard the news) and she stopped responding to me after a few messages. I go into panic mode and it’s super late at night. I reach out and try and contact her friends who I’ve never met before and it’s like 1am in the morning asking if they know if she’s alright. I get up in the morning and finally get a response, I’m thankful. This was another turning point. I messed up by trying to help, she doesn’t want my help, she tells me to not contact her friends and this is why she doesn’t share shit about herself. All this time, all I ever wanted was her trust and for her to share herself with me and when she does, I tell the world that something is wrong with her. It sucks, it sucks that that is what went down, maybe I could’ve handled the situated better but I was worried. I was so worried for her. It’s unfortunate and now she’s probably lost all trust in me, she probably feels like she can’t confide in me. That’s all I really wanted, I just wanted to help but I got the exact opposite of what I wanted.

The next few weeks are fucking haaaaaard. I can’t focus, all I can think about is her. I don’t know how to talk to her, I don’t know how to interact with her. It’s all so difficult and confusing. I just want to take care of her and help her but I can’t. We don’t talk for a week or a little more. Time passes and I’m in Vegas again. I ask if she would like to see me, she said that she would weeks prior, I don’t know if she will anymore ever since all that went down. We finally meet, I give her a hug but it’s kind of off. I try and grab her hand and pull it in but she says she doesn’t want to be touched. I respect that completely.

I show her around, it’s pretty awkward. We finally find a place alone, she sits on one end of the couch, me on the other, I wanted to respect her space completely. We talk but it’s strange and difficult to dance around what happened. We eventually get into a little groove and it’s okay. It’s getting late and she has to go as she hasn’t really gotten much sleep from work and all. I ask her if she can help me pick my outfit since I’d be going out that night, she says sure. She says I look nice, I smile. I give her a gift, it’s a minute timer with purple sand. I thought it was weird and unique and she was weird and unique so yeah. I think she liked it? I ask if I can take a photo of her as all the photos from the beach house trip were lost. She says sure. Things go okay, not amazing but I feel like it’s progress. I walk her out and I jokingly reach my finger out to say bye to her, she hugs me. And then gives me a peck on the lips. That surprises me. I try and convince her to come out with us as I honestly just want to spend time with her, but she goes home, I completely understand of course. It’s worth a shot?

The night passes, it’s the next day, it’s time to leave, I text but I don’t think much came from it. I ask her if there��s any chance I’ll see her in CA soon? A few days go by and we don’t really talk. I confront her about it as I’m in my brain and it’s messing with me. I ask her if she’s no longer interested in me? It’s totally cool if she’s not, she free to feel how she wants to feel. I’ve learned and accepted you can’t force anything on anyone, I just want to know the truth is all. She says she’s offended I would even ask that (this is very ironic to me because I said this same response to a girl who was super into me and I only kind of sort of liked her. Sometimes I think this is the universe getting back at me for being with that girl, was I leading her on and now it’s my turn?). She explains that she’s gone through some crazy shit that has made her feel less than human the past couple of weeks and has been working and focusing on herself. She hasn’t had time for me. She tells me she had to go through a wall to even hug me, it was difficult to do. It was a lot for her, she doesn’t know who she can trust. She needs time and patience. I tell her that basically I don’t know how to talk to her anymore. What’s okay to say and not to say. How to help, etc. She says why cant I just text to text? I tell her I really don’t know how anymore, I’m lost. Also that I struggle with showing emotion and tend to pull back if it isn’t reciprocated. I go on to say I try and pretend everything is okay, it’s my defense mechanism so that no one can hurt me if they don’t know that I care. I laid it out and opened up a deep part about me. I tell her I feel like a complete dick. I apologize and try and explain myself. She posts the gift I got her on instagram and tags me in it (but I don’t know if she did it because she genuinely wanted to share it and show it on her story or she did it just to please me and show that ‘she cares’. The timing is tough to say honestly, and I feel bad for thinking this was about it, but it would’ve been nice if she posted it prior to me asking?)

And that’s that, not too much conversations after that, a few messages here and there, but still don’t feel ‘good’. I thought things were better after that convo but no. We talk a little here and there but it’s all very short and bland. I’m hurting but try not to think too much into it. She’s gone through a lot, I can’t blame her. I need to take a mental break. I’ve read to do so as it’s unhealthy to go through so much, do what you need to do for yourself you know? I hide her instagram and snapchat stories from my feed. I feel if I see her stories and she doesn’t respond or message me I’ll feel some type of way. And I know, I know, I know she isn’t obligated to respond or text me but I can’t help but feel hurt by it I guess. As time goes, I feel a little better as I think of her less. Out of sight out of mind right?

Some time goes by and still very minor talking, I start to think and realize maybe I put her in a place she didn’t belong? Maybe I put her on this great pedestal where we’d be great friends with an awesome connection and this and that when all she really wanted was a guy to be around every now and again? I try and put her there too. Try and put her in a place where she’s just a buddy to me, try not and elevate her status. I recall her telling me I shouldn’t hold back my feelings, she isn’t one to chase. She told me to open up a bit. She even said things are a push and pull, it takes two to tango type thing. Well, she isn’t exactly putting herself out there anymore so I figure why should I? Time passes and she messages me to see if I’m still going to edc. That honestly surprised me. She wanted to meet up, she seems pretty legit on the idea, we’re getting the ball rolling.

I try not to get my hopes up because I’ve learned if you don’t get your hopes up you can’t be disappointed right? A little talking here and there, and she even throws around a couple exclamation points. I tend to notice the little things. Minor things speak volumes to me. I tell her I’m gonna be around Vegas prior, she said she wants to hang maybe. I tell her we’re probably just gonna run errands, she says she’s okay with that, and again that surprises me. She just wants to hang out? That would make me happy. I get in the next day late, we can’t run errands as it’s late, but she needs some stuff for edc, I have some stuff so she comes by. She comes with her brother which is fine, I’ve seen him on facetime and she talks about him a lot and I actually messaged him when I was in my weed high panic. He’s a nice chill guy. She gives me a little hug, not much, I wasn’t really sure what to expect to be honest, I don’t know how she feels about me at this point. I walk them up to the hotel, we get there and it’s a bit weird because we’re not really doing much, I give them their stuff and walk them back. We get to the escalators and her brother goes up. She hugs me and gives me a kiss, again I’m surprised. She said “You better meet up with me tomorrow”. That makes me kind of happy, she seems like she wants to see me.

So the next day it’s edc. I go to the meeting spot she gave me, which is marked next to things that don’t even exist. The map is incorrect and things are moved around as I learned after that day. I waited for her and she wasn’t there. i wasn’t exactly sad or bummed out, I just figured she was too messed up and it was just unfortunate. I waited and waited, probably dumb of me, but yeah, I really wanted to see her. I actually lost my group of friends because I waited but I didn’t care. I see them all the time, I never get to see her. So that was a failed night, all my messages finally got to her the next day as there’s never any service for these events. We text a little bit the next day, I ask her how it all went, etc. She said she was really messed up and stuff. Said she cried when she saw the fireworks because she gets overwhelmed, that and the drugs. I ask what it’s from, she just says it brings her back to a memory from 2014. Says she’ll probably cry again if she sees it.

I try and get things set to meet up on Sunday, things are planned and they seem okay. She texts me that she’s in the venue. I meet up with her, she kind of gives me a side hug, I don’t really know how to take it. I guess with everything that was going on and how we finally got to see each other at edc, I was expecting a kiss maybe? But definitely not a sidehug. She wasn’t very enthusiastic, I don’t know. We walk to one of the stages and it’s pretty awkward to be honest. I try and talk a little but it’s loud and she’s just kind of dancing so I’m kind of dancing. She says she has to meet her friends so I go along with her. She meets up with her ex bf which isn’t much of a big deal since they’ve remained friends for quite some time. She has a few ex bfs that are still her friends. I say hello and yeah and follow them along to meet their other friends. The way they’re walking makes me feel left out to be honest. They were walking side by side and I’m in the back. I begin to feel like a third wheel to be honest. We go to another stage and dance and whatever. They dance side by side while I try and do my thing behind them. And then we go meet up some other friends and he leaves. We walk around and every time she leads, she’s always in front of me, never turning around to see if I’m still there or checking up on me, not side by side talking to me. I don’t know what to do, what to say, how to feel? We go around and see some stuff, a little chatter here and there but I feel no vibe or connection whatsoever. At this point I’m thinking does she even want to be around me? I don’t want to ask that because it could all be in my mind? Maybe this is just how things are for her, this is how she raves? I ask her if she took any photos for her instagram and she said no good ones because she was so messed up the other night. I offered to take some photos, they were only okay. By the end of it she mentioned we had to find someone to get someone to take a photo of us together. I honestly didn’t think much of it because I don’t know if she really meant it or just said it just to say it. We meet up some other friends and also her ex bf again. Their rave group isn’t conversive. They just kind of keep to themselves and dance a bit. But again, she is dancing side by side with her ex while I’m in the back. I don’t know what to do, where my place is in this group, I don’t want to talk when no one is talking, or be super weird so I just follow their lead and just dance and keep to myself. I noticed her ex bf moved a little and danced a little away from the group, maybe for me to dance with her? To be honest, I was extremely afraid of touching her at all. For two reasons, one, she told me she isn’t that kind of roller, when she rolls, she doesn’t really like to be touched and doesn’t really like to talk and to just kind of be in her own zone so I left it at that. And two because of the whole incident and how I don’t know if she wants to be touched. One big thing that I learned about myself from all of this is that I am deathly afraid of touching someone who doesn’t want to be. That’s a big reason I never make a move on girls I learned, I don’t ever want to come off as a creep or to make anyone uncomfortable. And that could be looked at shooting myself in the foot like “oh man, you gotta make a move, she’s probably diggin’ you”, but to me, it’s not worth it. It’s not worth me gaining the opportunity to touch someone, the pleasure from that does not outweigh the weight of me touching someone who doesn’t want to feel uncomfortable around me.

Anyways so yeah, I dance and don’t really do much, we’re all dancing by ourselves, I don’t know what she wants from me. I decide to roll because I know she was rolling. Things continue and the set ends. We leave and go somewhere else with her friends. They kind of link up so we all don’t get lost. I think she reaches her hand out so i grab it. I think she notices and I’m not sure how she feels about it to be honest, I kind of caress my thumb on her hand and I don’t know how she takes it. We get out of the crowd and everyone lets go, she lets go and hooks onto my arm side by side and then shortly lets go and continues walking. I am confused as fuck. So we go around and yeah. Same stuff really. I don’t really recall too much but I honestly felt like a third wheel or felt like she didn’t want me to be there and was just pitying me. She would talk to her ex bf conversing no problem while I was left in the back. We met up with some of her best friend and the same thing, they talk just fine and me I’m just kind of there. I feel like everything I do is wrong, I give her gum, she doesn’t like that gum. I say something she doesn’t really respond and is kind of whatever about it. I remember we were sitting down and I’m rolling pretty hard. I like to talk when I roll so I’m fighting the urge to say anything. She mentions something and it reminds me of my past edc experience, next thing I know I start telling a story, she stops me and says I already told her that story. I’m just kinda like, well fuck to myself. But it is what it is you know? It was interesting, I never thought it was possible but I actually had a bad roll. I thought it was impossible to feel sad or anything when you’re rolling, I thought it was nothing but positive vibes and everything. Nope. I thought about a lot of stuff. I realized that she wasn’t who I thought she was. Maybe it was my fault for projecting her out to be something that I wanted. All I ever wanted to do was cuddle her and befriend her but she just did not give me that vibe like she wanted that at all that night. Yeah sure, her rolls are different, but she still talks to other people? What the hell does that mean for me? I just didn’t know what to think. I was sad. I really was. I had a smile on my face but boy was that a fake smile. I couldn’t help but think, “so this is how it ends hmm. Why do I feel like it’s over. Why do I feel like this is it. This is my last time seeing her.” I kind of just accepted it.

We go on and go around the venue, dancing here, dancing there, me alone. I’ve never felt more alone next to someone I cared about. It was intense. I felt pitied, it’s a completely shit feeling. If you don’t want to be around me, please don’t pretend. It’s hard to describe but being pitied hurts so much. It’s basically being lied to to spare your feelings and then some, it’s extra. I think it’s the whole pretending thing and it makes me feeling like for a lack of a better word too stupid to realize it’s fake. Like I’m a charity case, a special needs person, shit example but that’s all I can think of right now. I don’t need to be pitied, it sucks, a lot (again, is the universe getting back at me, I can honestly say that I have done something similar, or maybe it’s the exact same and I just don’t want to admit it. I’ve certainly learned from this, lesson over hopefully.) The night goes on and the fireworks start to fire. Oh boy here goes. I just gaze up at the sky, trying to embrace and enjoy them. They’re absolutely beautiful, they really are. I look over and see her friends recording it, they do their thing. I kind of look over and see if she’s crying, I don’t think she is? But I think she is somewhat mesmerized or in thought. I recall looking through her instragram photos and it had edc fireworks. I looked at them again previously to confirm my suspicions. One in 2015 saying she was happy to be under the electric sky with the man she loves for the second year in a row. And then I looked at the 2014 photo. It was her and her ex bf in 2014, the one that was there. It kind of makes sense. I don’t remember if her ex was still with us at the time watching the fireworks or not. I think probably. But yeah, I know I have no place to assume or to pass judgement or whatever, but I have a hunch she really still cares for him. I’ve seen it before with couples who remain friends that get back together, on several occasions actually. So yeah, the night goes on, the same stuff. I aint shit, I’m just there being there. She eventually has to leave, and I see her talking with her ex bf a little bit, she gives him a pretty good hug. I pretend not to notice. She says bye to her other friends, then she says bye to me and gives me a little side hug. I guess that’s it hmm.

Typing this down kind of reaffirms things for me actually. I don’t really know the truth nor don’t know if I ever will? But I feel that I shouldn’t have been there and that I probably really don’t mean much. I wish I did but I don’t. But it’s okay, it really is. I truly truly want her to be happy, holy fuck that would be awesome. I don’t really know where to go from here. After she left, I was still with her friends, it was pretty strange really, I find my friend, we leave, end.

The next day completely shocking to me she texts me saying “thanks for spending the night with her exclamation point. I know I don’t talk much anymore and I’m not all that fun, but I appreciate and enjoyed it.” I honestly didn’t know how to take that. I woke up in a complete funk and that was the first thing I saw. I had a nasty comedown in the morning, I couldn’t think I couldn’t eat, could barely speak with anyone. I ate at a $45 buffet and took six bites. I had no appetite the next day either (today). I couldn’t converse with anyone, I was depressed. I felt bad because all my friends were around. I just told them I was tired which I was but it wasn’t the whole story. I didn’t answer her text until later that night when I finally got back home. I honestly didn’t know what to say. I couldn’t tell if she was lying to me, if she was saying it just to say it, maybe to make me feel good, I honestly don’t know. Maybe she actually genuinely felt that way, she had a good time, I’ll never know the truth here no matter what she says I feel. I respond with  “Just got back. I’m glad you enjoyed it! I couldn’t tell if you didn’t want to talk to me or if you were just in your zone from rolling.” She didn’t respond. Here we are now.

So now what? I have no fucking clue. I don’t know what to do. I’ve gone through a lot of scenarios and this and that and what I want and what is even going on etc. I think at the end of the day, I just want closure. I just want us both to end on good terms, if it’s the end which I feel, I just want everything out there. I want us to communicate really. I want to know what’s going on, it’s totally okay if she was using me for emotional support, that’s fine. I just want answers, I believe.

I tired, I sleep. I reread and revise later. G’night.

Edit - I’m going to use this portion to interview and ask myself questions.

1.Why am I upset or feel mad or any type of ill will?

-I realize it is because I am in pain. Because I am in pain I feel the need to blame someone although they may not deserve it. That’s probably why anyone feels that way. They’re hurt so they blame the outlet which hurts them. But ultimately it’s not their fault that they hurt you. I choose to be hurt. I can easily take myself out of the situation but I continue to live through it. I could cut all ties and move on with my life but I don’t because I choose to be in it. I am coping on my own although it may not be the best for me but It is making me stronger, it is teaching me a lot about myself.

-I learned that I yearn for affection and connection. I always sort of knew that about myself but I didn’t know how rare it was to come close to making connections with people were. With 7 billion people on this planet, and only interacting with a fraction of them, only a handful do I really feel a bond with. I wish that my bond with her lasted longer, I’m bummed of course but I don’t blame anyone. It’s just unfortunate is all, and I know that. The circumstances are what they are and I have to take it as it is and learn. But I am so grateful, I am so grateful to have experienced this even if it was for a short period of time. It’s been so long since I’ve found a connection with someone, it was so nice to have it be reciprocated. As the saying goes, don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened. I feel what I feel now and that’s okay. Embrace it, feel what it feels like to be hurt. This is what life is made of. This is what gives me the energy, you really have to take the bad with the good, it’s what makes life as amazing as it is. I really do feel alive, for something to give me pain, it only shows that it had made me so happy before. I have a heavy heart writing this and tears rolling down my cheeks but I smile. I try and smile. I’m no longer smiling, I am only crying. But again, this is okay. I will let myself cry. I will let myself sob. I’m really not sure why I’m crying right now, but it is okay. It is okay to cry. To be emotional is just apart of human nature. Let it run it’s course. I know it’ll be a brighter day. I know I will smile again. Just enjoy the sadness for now.

2.Why do I feel pain?

-I am actually not sure why I feel pain. I am still recovering from crying at the moment so it is difficult to get my thoughts straightforward as my answer to number 1. I am very emotional right now. I may have to answer this question twice from two point of views. Emotional vs logical. I feel pain because my feelings are not reciprocated. It is unfortunate and it hurts. It gives me a sense of less worth than the other being. And I know it isn’t true. This is our minds playing tricks on us. But the mind is a powerful thing, and at times our greatest enemy. We are with our minds for our entire lives. We do not choose what we think about or how we get to the thoughts we have. Of course we can fight it and distract ourselves, but sometimes it’ll run into things you don’t want to. I have yet to determine whether or not it is good to think about those thoughts or try and block them off. Mentally it can destroy you and put you in a very dark place, yet covering it up and never addressing it, is that really better? To tuck it away and not face the issue? It’s tough to say and I’m still learning. I’d like to believe I’m pretty 50/50 on this perspective. I’ve been in mental ruts before and depressions and they are god awful. Sometimes we just dwell because we don’t want to let go of something. We hold onto it because we feel we’re giving up on it if we stop thinking about it. And then other times you just feel like you have to finally stop. You make a mental choice to be done and to hang it up, you stop thinking about it and you choose to have other things sidetrack you on purpose. Of course the only example I can think of is breaking up with my ex. For about a year and a half it took me to get over her, but it was because I didn’t want to get over her. I don’t know when it happened but I made a mental decision in my subconscious possibly to stop and move on. I began doing things, I began thinking of other stuff. The saying is true that time heals all, but only if you want it to or you allow it to. I am no longer emotional and have become more logical as I’ve been answering this question but I do not know if I even answered it?

-Let’s try again, why am I in pain? I am in pain because my feelings are not being returned. I put myself out there and because it’s not returned, I suppose it can be viewed at as being disrespected? I suppose it depends who you ask, everyone’s perspective is different. If I ask someone a question and it goes unanswered, is that disrespectful? But is the other person obligated to answer the question? It’s tough to say, I suppose this is where the anger or ill will comes from. Depending on who the person is, they can feel like they are being disrespected if they feel they are not getting what they deserve. I hope I am being coherent in my description and understanding.

-I’m going to continue and answer this. I am also in pain because things are no longer how they were before. But why am I comparing it to what it once was? I feel once a bar is set, a high, we as people see the capabilities of what is possible and obtainable. We can reach that bar again but we don’t and then we ask ourselves why? Why are we not there? We’ve done it before, is there a problem now? Is it my fault? Is it their fault? Did I change or do something wrong or vice versa? These are questions that I’m still actually unsure if they answer what we truly want to know. We have this imaginary bar that we make up, this level of high that we feel from the beginning stages of talking to someone and connecting; we want it to last forever. But as time goes on, this bar meter does not fill up as full, my happy isn’t at what it could be, and my dopamine levels aren’t where I thought they would be, and as a result, is this why I feel sad/pain/disappointed? I suppose the biggest part is the disappointment when it’s all said and done/over with. We give each other these expectations because we know what we are capable of in this relationship that we have established. Is it wrong to? I don’t think so, but from what I’ve learned and have tried to train myself to do is lower my expectations. Call it self defense but if I have little expectation, can I still be disappointed? And from disappointment, can I still be hurt?

-It’s really a conundrum at this point because what does this mean for future endeavors? Is it wrong to set the bar low so I don’t get disappointed? If I never expect anything from anyone, that must mean everything that they do/all of their actions must be viewed as great as I expect nothing more than mediocrity. But I’m sure that is difficult to maintain, low expectations. It’s difficult to not have expectations of people, I feel this is just something we learn as people as we develop. Similar to a child and I’m sure this relates to Pavlov’s dog, we are conditioned in a specific type of way and we react to things from the conditioning that stem from expectations and past experiences. We learn and we take the knowledge that we gain and take it with us. Of course there’s the example of ringing a bell, giving a dog a treat and the dog will now think it’ll receive a treat once the bell is rung. Translating that to me, when I receive a buzz on my phone, a quick text message response, dopamine fires from my brain and I am happy because I am receiving acknowledgement from someone that I want. Every time my phone buzzes, it’s possible to be from that someone that I want to talk to, I’m now conditioned that way. As it happens less frequently or the buzz from my phone is not from who I want, I will feel some type of way, perhaps upset, sad, disappointment, etc.

3.Do I still like her?

-I do still like her, I do still have feelings for her.

4.Why do you still like her

-That is a very difficult question to answer. At this point is it chemical, emotional, logical? I’m very unsure. If I break it down logically, did she do anything ‘wrong’ to me? Even that in itself is a difficult question to answer. It depends who you ask. But I suppose I am asking myself. I honestly don’t know how to answer this. She hurt my feelings, but is that wrong? I’ve hurt people’s feelings, but is it right or wrong or justifiable? Again, it goes back to how you view things, I myself am very in the middle. She ‘possibly’ led me on, but I don’t know the answer to that because it is speculation, something I don’t know if I can ever obtain the answer to? She never actually ‘did’ anything to me? Perhaps she might’ve pitied me, but at the same time, I don’t know if that is true or not, so what is next? We can play hypotheticals. So if she did lead me on, then no I would not like her, I would feel justified to being hurt by her. The same goes for if she pitied me, I would feel pain, and I would no longer feel for her because of her malicious behavior. And to play even further, say she admits she was pitying me, what do I do then? I would feel sad. I would feel sad for myself, but I would also feel sad for her. Why would she do that? What would make her go out of her way to do that to someone? What gain does she receive in pitying someone if they know they are being a charity case?

4.What do you want from her? Now? After this?

-Ultimately I would like closure in the grand scheme of things. I would love to sit down and talk and just have a discussion. If we don’t vibe like we did before, I’d like to know why. If it comes down to, she just doesn’t feel the same way she used to then that is perfectly okay. Feelings change and I understand that completely. Feelings can’t be forced onto someone, we can try but ultimately it isn’t real. But what if she wanted it, and gave it a shot and that’s why I became pitied? I suppose I can’t blame her if that’s the case. Things just didn’t work out, I can appreciate the attempt in putting in the effort though although it fell through.

-Of course I’d love to go back to what we had but really, is that possible? I feel like we’re so far from the tree at this point, can that really be obtained? I’d like that very much but it just doesn’t seem plausible.

5.What if you try and talk to her and she ghosts you?

-Wow, that is gonna suck major balls. I would hope that she would have the decency to give me closure, but at the same time I don’t know her well enough to know that she would even give that to me? To think the absolute worst of her, and not because she’s actually a bad person, but to put myself in this situation I have to be prepared for the worst. If she ghosts me, what can I really do? I suppose I can keep reaching out but at what point do I give up? Or at what point do I just feel stupid for continuing to try? I’d hate to become upset at her for ghosting me, because some how I then end up looking like the crazy one. “Oh, he won’t leave me alone, he keeps texting.” I mean, it’s very possible this could happen. She’s talked about how she broke other boy’s hearts and pretty much disregarded their feelings, how am I any different? Honestly, we only talked for 3 months on and off, this legitimately is ‘nothing’, we didn’t date, we weren’t in a relationship, we were just ‘talking’. Depending on who you’re asking I could be making a huge deal out of this, got me writing in blogs and shit writing out essays and whatever. And to her, she could be like, eh whatever, it was fun but I’m just not fuckin’ with him like that anymore. That’s a shit reality but it’s a very possible reality.

-Man, that is scary to think, but it is what it is? I got played boys. You played yourself as DJ Khalid would say. Holy cow, one of my biggest fears and here it is, it’s happened(ing). It really sucks, and it really really was/is hard to deal with. Is it worth it? I suppose because it was real feelings for what they were, but yeah. I guess this is the whole feels/getting played conundrum.

6.What have we learned from this?

-I don’t know. I for sure don’t like getting played, that’s for fucking sure. What does this mean for putting my feelings out there? I still don’t know, I’m still hesitant, look at where it got me, fucking hurt, lol. This is a tough one to answer, I guess I’ll know the answer as time goes by and I’ll be able to look back at this from a different perspective. I’m sure I’ll be appreciative of this in the future but yeah.

-I did learn that I’m scared to make moves on girls because I don’t want to come off as a creep/rapist. No thank you.

-I am more in tune with my feelings and what I truly want. I yearn for connection and I have to accept that about myself. I’m a soft dude, it’s up to me to show it.

-I’m pretty much done with my drug use, I’m also pretty much done with partying. I’m not saying I want to get a girlfriend and settle down and get married or whatever, but I just like connections and affection. It is really nice.

-I don’t think I can have meaningless sex? I just don’t think it’s for me? Maybe in the future, but I just find it difficult. I truly think I need a mental connection to have sex with you. It might not have to be major, but I need to vibe right. I’m just hoping I don’t hit it off with a girl one night and we hook up and then I get attached. That is DEFINITELY not a good look. She’s just looking for a one night stand and I’m trying to hold onto the connection. These are gender roles that I’m assigning and I guess ashamed of, but society makes me feel bad about it I guess.

-I like cuddling a lot, a lot a lot. Maybe more than sex? But then again, maybe because I’m not that good at sex. It’s a vicious cycle, it really is. But cuddling is awesome. Pillow talk is A1.

-I think I’m done? Peace. Hopefully I’m content. I’ve written a lot, I’ll probably revise what I need to but yeah. Go me! Be a better me. Let’s go.

I slept so content last night, my mind was at ease. But I woke up missing her. Fuck me right? I think I’ve conditioned myself to miss her in the morning. For some reason I’m still hoping to see a text from her in the morning when I wake up. I know this definitely isn’t healthy. This is probably all the shit my ex felt when she would wake up and not receive any good morning texts from me. I probably did it before, and then stopped. She knew I had the capabilities. It’s a shitty feeling, I’m somewhat happy that I get to experience this though because now I know what it feels like. This whole entire experience is almost like a slap to my face. I’ll definitely take a lot of this more into consideration going into my next relationship with someone. Think positive right?

I have a lot more questions to ask myself now though, like why do I still expect a text from her, why do I miss her, etc. I’ll get to it later, just jotting it down for now.