#which is why i ended up using it for an experiment bc it wouldnt matter if it got wasted
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
Text
So I made this jumper a few months ago, (it's the first thing I've ever crocheted with a pattern) and it ended up a little too short for me to be comfortable wearing.
I had decided to undo the whole thing to salvage the yarn, but got one of my best friends to try it on first just in case, and they LOVED it, and it looks so good on them too! So it belongs to them now.
I was actually really disappointed when I decided to frog the whole thing, because I was pretty attached to it by the end, i learned a lot and it gave me the confidence to try more patterns, so I'm super happy that my first jumper is actually going to be worn and loved after all.
#hollow makes things#crochet#i always thought i couldnt do patterns bc of the dyscalculia#but watching someone do it on youtube is way way easier than trying to decipher a written one#and if i can understand the flat shapes needed then i can wrap my head around it a lot better too#also i had so much regret buying a ten pack of that yarn lol#i thought it would be less dark and be heavier on the pink and green#which is why i ended up using it for an experiment bc it wouldnt matter if it got wasted#but then i fell in love with the glitchy effect when it worked up#cameras fucking hate this thing
21 notes
¡
View notes
Text
ITS PERSIST AS YOU SEE IT, NOT PERSIST UNTIL YOU SEE IT
some of yall have the mindset of: âpersist until you see itâ instead of âpersist because i know its doneâ. persist until you see it is so 3d oriented like if you dont see it, you get discouraged and then think your failing and then you lose faith and it leads to such a up and down cycle. this is law of assumption. assuming means you believe something without any proof. why would you persist until you see it if your job is to assume it done? assume its done bc you experienced it in imagination already (using any technique or simple decision). this means its actually persist as you see it (you see it in imagination and inevitably you will see it in the 3d because thats law). persist because it literally is yours. the key of law of assumption is that its already yours the moment you claim/assume it so. since the 3d is just you (imagination) it really is done. the moment you imagine it, you experienced it. assuming = go straight to the end. persisting = you continue to experience and choose the same outcome again and again. why wouldnt you want to keep choosing/experiencing what you desired which is now your reality? persisting means you have faith that inner self does have it no matter what the 3d shows. the 3d never mattered. if it did, why do people manifest in the most shitty circumstances? persist.
kisses, jani â
#etherealkissed#law of assumption#loa blog#loassumption#manifesting#edward art#neville goddard#3d#consciousness#4d reality#desired appearance#desired self#desired life#desired body#imagination creates reality#imagine#imagination#assume and persist#affirm and persist#affirmations
3K notes
¡
View notes
Text
the people in charge of nutrek dont care about the ideals and premise of star trek and star trek: picard is its biggest tell. its a story that would have been much better if they hadnt brought back legacy characters but also would have been much better had it not been written at all because nobody wants more space cops
the moment picard decided to wash his hands clean of the romulan android situation was the moment i knew that oh this isnt the picard everyone has come to know and love. at his core who he is someone that would not let anyone die if he could help it. like thats his thing if he has the power to help he will!! and yeah sure thats shown in pic too but he literally was like âfuck you federation im not gonna help u ignore the romulans cries for helpâ when he fr coulda just asked for forgiveness after helping with the power he had as a respected captain or whatever he is. something EVERY oldtrek captain has done time and time again
and yes! characters and their ideals change over time but not fucking like THAT
pic takes a tragedy, a genocide, and takes the romulans, a species that has for the most part always been the enemies of the federation and makes them easy prey. it makes them evil except for those that defected or disguised themselves (look up white passing and what it was actually for and why its a thing). and to put it into more understandable words:
lets say the federation is usamerica (bc for all intents and purposes thats literally what it represents) and that the romulans represent people of color and jews. pic serves for us on a platter that the genocide was just another thing that happened and âits okay they died anyways. romulans have never been on the side of the federation and never wanted to be anyways so no lossâ this is what the federation believes
pic has been severely affected by white supremacist and antisemitic ideology and like while yeah science fiction is used to discuss and challenge the oppression we experience today, youd think a franchise that has always preached about diversity inclusion and acceptance would finally get over mass genocide of a âlesserâ race as a form of storytelling. its uncomfortable and not in a way in which it makes you think but in a way that shows that even hundreds of years in the future vitriol prevails and it fucking sucks. its harmful towards people of color and jews when even in science fiction we cant escape that someone out there wants us dead
weâve had enough of white supremacy and antisemitism taking a lil seat at the table to cause ruckus there are 100% other things that could have created and interesting dilema. the federation is literally on some cristobal colon shit n the more nutrek that gets made the less star trek holds up the ideals of diversity inclusion acceptance and love that it preached from its inception. we are instead given a narrative that yeah no matter how long you fight no matter how hard you fight you will NEVER win because systemic racism always wins in the end. its a tired and weak narrative and just goes to show if you dont have any other engaging stories to tell just stop telling the stories and stop ruining characters by making them do things they absolutely wouldnt even stand for
we r stuck with characters that suck up to other characters just because of their legacy and the writing when everyone deserves to be way more mad at picard. sidenote all of the genuine progress that has been made in television with diversity and representation has gone like 20 steps back when it comes to portraying people of color bc not ONE from the main crew passes the paper bag test (again ive only seen season one) which further goes to show white supremacist ideals subtly shining through
the point of star trek is that there will be a better more welcoming loving kinder future than the present and the past. and yeah theyve never been good at portraying that exactly because hope cannot exist without despair. but if you do not learn the mistakes of the past you are bound to repeat them and clearly these writers have not been studying the source material
hope this helps idk man i just b saying shit sometimes sorry if some stuff is repetitive
#inspired by @trillscienceofficer âs liveblog of stpic#havent watched since season 1 so if some stuff is inaccurate whoops#and this doesnt even cover my issue with seven as a character but#i cant really say much bc id want to watch the whole thing to make more inferences abt her#tng has also already established the whole are androids sentient thing with data which just feels redundant in pic#star trek picard
59 notes
¡
View notes
Text
The fandom needs more aus so Im adding one I just made
Recently bereaved of her childhood and best friend Yusuke, Yukimura Keiko opens the window one evening to admire the sunset. She's surprised to see a flock of furious, angelic birds attacking a humanoid figure-
Who soars upwards with a heave of jagged, dark wings.
When that is thwarted, it somehow ends up closer to Keiko's neighbourhood instead as another attempt to escape. Bewildered, Keiko waves and yells without thinking for it to come here, come inside here!
The figure hesitates for only a moment, and then dashes into the open window, crashing somehow into every little part of what is now formerly Keiko's bedroom.
Keiko doesn't know it yet, but the young demon from hell's name is Yukina, and it's looking for it's brother - a half-demon.
It's being pursued by Heaven in the hope to collect a valuable hostage; indeed, the ward of a demon lord (Rui) would have merit when they seek demonic allies against the demon king to kill him. An alleged Eater of Seraphim would be a good ally indeed.
Additional notes because I made them tags @ first and then they got so long I felt bad for whoever might read them:
Fire and shadow powers for yukina bc im a little bored w the ice magic and wanna experiment w that too
Keiko becoming a witch to help protect Yukina better by making a contract w it would also be a very cute and major part of the premise
Yukina knowing abt witches in theory and having only met a few of them would also be cause for shenanigans - like knowing what a pharmacist is and does but having little idea abt what it entails aside from "wonderful person who is very patient while I'm fumbling to get my ID out for them so they may give me my prescription and/or inform me of how much that'll cost"
"Can you be a pharmacist?" "Sure, how hard can that be?" Very hard but very funny to watch from a distance and after the next big problem is over.
Yukina enrols into Sarayashiki and it wears the boy's uniform and we have an entire episode dedicated to being able to choose your uniform regardless of the gender society is putting on you. Akashi and Iwamoto are ofc the villains here. Keiko rationalises that Yukina's a demon, ofc it wouldnt have the genders humans have; she has no idea Yukina has single-handedly inspired several people to transition and experiment.
Hell and earth differences. Yukina keeps using all the hot water and one time it and Keiko have to try to fix the bathroom, that's how hot Yukina ran the water.
Home sickness! Yukina having an arc of deciding it'll actively look for its brother!
Backstory episode... Yukina actually being chased out of hell and escaping to earth.
Keiko at an early point: You can't tempt me to do bad things to people! Not even if I think they deserve it! I mean it! not even a thumb-tack in their food!! Yukina: Why would you do that, that sounds so mean. Keiko: (rlly wants to have an excuse to do that)
very anime too to have a cute plot at first and then reveal the BIG SADS
âEater of Seraphimâ being Rui who ate Hina's heart as she was dying to gain enough power to fight off other demons or invading angels bc she needs that and Hina told her to
Hina being a seraph bc Im not immune to the Your Wings and Mine webtoon and I wanna cry when I hear her name or see it written out
Kurama is half demon half human. Don't think he was Yoko Kurama in another life here(??), I think in this case this is a case of him being possessed by a demon and dealing w the fact that the demon doesn't seem to realise it will die no matter if Kurama tries to feed it or not. It doesn't know it's a demonic ghost, which is something that shouldn't exist.
very embarrassed when he realises these two idiots are babies in the matters of witchhood and contract-making, which is embarrassing when one of them is literally from hell and the ward of a demon lord whose position is only "lesser" bc she doesn't desire anymore land than what is sufficient to protect her child(ren). ".... I wasted. An entire day. To harass babies." He can never let the them know.
hiei was sent to earth to protect him & he has no idea hes not human. for maximum funsies he's at catholic school & hes nicknamed a "demon". We won't meet him till episode 60 (out of 75 and then a movie)
cant decide if i want botan to b an angel or a witch.... what abt an ojamajo doremi thing where keiko accidentally curses her to become her witch tutor or she becomes a toad. or she does become a toad but its only at night hell yes princess tutu vibes as well
Botan the botany witch please GOD. PLESE: GOD:.
Yeah yeah yeah Botan botany witch playing heaven and hell as a freelance witch and not thinking about how she's contributing to the conflict, "I'm just trying to make buck!" (she's doing just fine and could be a witch on commission working a different job part/full time).
Botan clocking Yukina as a demon and the Rogue Demon Ward Who's Escaped to Earth immediately when it and their classmates are there after school or for a school outing and kidnapping it. Keiko saves it and turns Botan into a toad. Botan becomes the blackmailed mentor figure.
Gasp. Witch exams. Bc Keiko needs to do them to become certified bc its when someone uncertified calls a witch a witch that a witch turns into a toad... it was only bc Keiko has a contract already that Botan was lucky enough to only be turned toad SOMETIMES.
shizuru a witch or a priest... Priest on monday-wednesdays, witch thursdays-sundays yeah thats funny we keep that. It's the 90s anime shenanigans that will leave a viewer feeling "If this was a man and a woman, Botan and Shizuru definitely would look like Duck trying desperately to hide she turns into a duck sometimes and Fakir knowing this and fucking with her at every turn anyways."
No, Shizuru priest but her parents are witches. Kuwa could be a priest but is working on if that's the path he wants.
#yyh things#keiko#yukina#it/them pronouns for Yukina bc I wanna experiment more w its gender#yyh things alternate universes#oh this would be good for being set in the Phillipines#shoujo devil & witch au
0 notes
Note
srry for itzy asking in the middle of ur dnd liveblogs but. anyway
YEs i absolutely agree w u abt the group identity thing. i only rlly started listening to kpop this year, and i liked itzy a lot immediately personally bc ! ur right their songs before this year do all have a similar vibe that the stuff this year hasnât rlly matched as much as i had expected it to? idk its been. a bit odd. a bit bizarre to me. i only liked their japanese releases from this year up until now (both voltage and blah blah blah, they had a sound i found somewhat similar to mitm, like sort of a bit darker and leaning more into the girl crush (?) side of their music is the best way i can describe it. i never know if im using girl crush right tho)
i did rlly love chesire tho, it reminded me of mitm too. i do miss the more intense choreos mostly bc itzy is one of the few groups i care to watch performances for and i like their old choreos a lot theyre so fun :( and they are also kind of known for dance/performance so im curious as to why it feels soooo. lackluster? besides that tho. it feels like a more fun version of mitm to me and is a Great improvement from sneakers imo
but yeah. i do wonder if theyre going to lean more girl crush itzy (like mitm) than fun itzy (like icy ish? and ig sneakers lol) in the future? which personally i wouldnt mind too much bc im a girl crush enjoyer to a fault, but i do like fun itzy as well and i will miss it if it starts to fade. i like it when its more of a combination, which is why i like cheshire sm i think. very curious abt what their plan is tho lol
ITZY asking is welcome no matter the circumstances :p (though I got to it late)
I had a really similar experience -- I actually went into all of this with the express purpose of getting into one group and then found myself a huge ITZY fan by the end of it. And I like their Japanese releases a lot too (although, biased)
Yeah I think maybe they've decided to make ITZY more approachable (in that, easier dance, more people learning it, can be turned into a tiktok trend as well) and I don't mind as long as they're having fun and the music's decent but I do think of intense dances when I think of ITZY and I really hope they don't get lost in the shuffle without that. I feel like carving out a niche is so difficult and that strong performance skill has been with them since debut
I do love Cheshire though I think my roommates got annoyed by me la-la-la-ing all day
1 note
¡
View note
Note
I love your blog soooo much!!! everything you say is just soo true. The thing about focusing on what we enjoy is so liberating. I focused way to much in trying to understand my undesirability to men, when I can just forget about men and not give them my imaginary time and just enjoy my attraction to women <3<3
aw thats sweet im glad that sentiment is helping u to find comfort and enjoyment!!<33 its so sad to me how many ppl think ur identity designates what u enjoy rather than vice versa...
as a lesbian talking abt it always feels like ur opening urself up to that judgement so i always immediately want to be like 'but i am personally really disgusted by men and the idea of having anything romantically or sexually to do with one is hideous to me!!!' but i always stop myself bc its like well... it wouldnt actually matter how i feel towards men though, because my autonomy is absolute on its own and if i know that i WANT to be involved with women and not with men then like.. the conversation can end there! in the mainstream imagination i feel like so many gay men's stories start w the realisation of their attraction to men, but lesbians' with the realisation of their non-attraction to men. my moment of absolute clarity was the first time a girl asked me out & i had the rapid realisation that like, oh i would ENJOY that, i WANT that, when i had been saying yes to guys who asked before just bc i was like idk...ig i dont have a reason to not. it sounds funny but like until that point i had literally never thought about what i might want, only like.. if id be able to stomach a serious relationship with a guy. so even though i kind of felt by then that the answer might be no, it hadnt really brought me any answers & it wouldnt have mattered if i had decided i could, because it was immediately obvious at that point that a heterosexual relationship with a man wasnt something i wanted for me in my life when i could have a gay relationship w a woman. i felt sooo free in that moment, not bc my feelings abt men had been conclusively revealed to me but actually bc i realised i didnt even gaf.
its kind of a double bind for us between the fact that heterosexual people need to be reassured that gay people are ontologically so in order to respect us (and not feel threatened by usđł), and the various layers of misogyny incl the expectation that we are passive participants in the equation of desire, which alienates us frm our desires & the very experience of desire itself, and also fosters the assumption that any ability to experience male desire will supersede anything else if at all possible so therefore it has to be completely ruled out to be allowed to ignore it. we need to prove that we are not CAPABLE of having a relationship with a man in order not to want one, whether right now or ever. so the fact i personally do feel genuinely unable to experience that without like genuinely wanting to kill myself feels like its basically irrelevant to anyone but me, and only self-determination matters to anyone else. i feel like im more interested in defending the right of other women to want&seek&enjoy sexual&romantic relationships with other women, regardless of why, rather than proving that i personally have done all my homework and can prove that i wouldnt be happy with a man. like wtf, women are hot and dating a woman is the most beautiful experience of my life, who wouldnt want to seek that out !! its irrelevant what the alternatives are bc none of them are preferable. the continued survival of this rhetoric in lgbt spaces only really reinforces that being gay is a bad thing to be and gay relationships are worse than heterosexual ones and no one would ever want that unless they had no other choice and i just soo strongly do not feel that!!
#ask#anon#um sorry..long-_-#always fascinated w how no1 bats an eye at the way gay men idolise divas for example#whichh ive talked abt in detail before so i wont ramble abt that too
4 notes
¡
View notes
Note
I took âjust give her some timeâ as less of a âoh sheâll be cynical and grouchy like us donât worryâ and more of a âgive her time to understand why this punishment is necessary for usâ cause, clearly, she didnât think it was, if she was gonna let him off with an apology. But I also think thatâs integral to Nile. She figured out WHY Booker betrayed them, and she understood. She didnât accept it, but she understood, from his perspective, why he did what he did, and she knew that he was acting out of desperation and that he knew, in the end, he fucked up big time, hence the apology-only. Joe and Nicky? No way theyâd forgive that quickly because they couldnât DREAM of selling out their friends for what they see as a selfish reason, no matter how desperate. Also, Nile was hit like BAM, you canât die, BAM, hereâs some guys trying to capture us possibly forever, BAM, suddenly Andy *can* die! BAM, Booker is the one whoâs at fault here?! which the immortality alone would take quite a bit of time to process, so Booker said âgive her timeâ. I have no idea if this is even coherent but I hope it is lmfao. Anyways! Can I have the next one already please????
yeah, as much as nile has a particular connection with andy, it really seemed like booker was the one that she relates to and understands the most. i was re-watching a bit of tog while making a gifset the other day and it struck me that nile tells booker about her being declared KIA, but we dont see her tell any of the others- this was something she only shared with him, probably bc she felt, yknow, something of a connection with him re: being relatively young and having this whole âfamily baggageâ thing going on. it was something they could relate to each other abt that andy & joenicky wouldnt quite âgetâ the same way
i do think theres a lot going on re: nileâs feelings on bookerâs betrayal (i mean, for all of them tbh, its a complicated situation!) but i do think a part of it is how she obviously related a lot to him and his experiences & his perspective
39 notes
¡
View notes
Note
hi, not sure if this blog is active bc im on mobile but you seem v knowledgeable so i hope you are. i have a question if thats ok. ive been id'ing as ftm trans/nb for about 6 years now but havent rlly been able to come out to many ppl or transition at all so im still largely presenting as female. i wouldnt rlly call myself gender critical or anything like that, but i know transitioning is a long & difficult process and im wondering if there is a way to alleviate my dysphoria without going (1/2)
âthru all that. i dont want to transition only to realize that i dont feel better and there was an easier way. in other words, id like to rule out any possibility that im not trans before medically investing in being trans. any chance you have any advice for me? (2/2)â
hey thereâstill active, if sporadic.
when it comes to healing from dysphoria, thereâs no cure-all, no hidden path to healing that youâve simply yet to uncover. just as thereâs no way to guarantee transition will make you happy, thereâs no opposite guarantee either. i can only share some of the stuff that has worked for me and some of the hardships i uncovered about living as trans, which i hope you find helpful.
what helps me?
get clear with yourself about what you believe about gender, ideologically. i personally feel, if my beliefs do not stand up to critical thought, if they cannot be supported by rational arguments, then those beliefs are not worth holding on to and i need to let them go. this is what happened to me WRT transness, gender, and all that.
start smallâwhat is gender? is gender innate? do we have gendered souls? how could we have gendered souls if gender is a social construct? okay, so we canât have gendered souls, so what is gender, if not innate? is gender the social expectations and norms attached to the two sexes? is it possible to break those roles and expectations? does breaking those roles and expectations change anyoneâs sex? noâmales can behave in typically feminine ways and females in typically masculine ways and that does nothing to change their sex. so what would conceivably make someone (or myself) trans? inhabiting the social roles and expectations of the gender associated with the opposite sex. since we already established that gender isnât innate and we donât have gendered souls, thereâs no merit in the âborn in the wrong bodyâ narrative; it is not possible to be born in the wrong body. we each get one body, no matter how we change it. but if i wasnât born in the wrong body, why do i feel so uncomfortable with mine, especially with the sexed aspects of it? if youâre female, the likely culprit is misogyny. you donât actually have to hate women on a conscious level to be suffering from internalized misogyny. we live in a misogynistic world, it saturates everything. if youâre female, it affects almost every factor of how you move through this worldâhow people treat you, what opportunities youâre given, which behaviors are encouraged for you and which are discouraged, etc. if you are inclined to prefer masculinityâfor whatever reasonâsociety will encourage this in males and discourage it in females. having your way of being subtly discouraged all the time can easily lead to feeling disconnected from your body, perhaps even hating it, especially since you know that your way of being would be ENCOURAGED if only your body were male. and thatâs when many of us encounter trans ideology that tells us we CAN be maleâin fact, we actually were all along! all we have to do is change our bodies drastically with lifelong medication and surgery, all we have to do is trade money and time and health to convincingly imitate the opposite sexâTHEN society will finally recognize that our way of being is okayâbecause we were actually masculine MEN all along, it was simply our female bodies obscuring that. does this feel like a good or healthy trade to you? it doesnât to me, but i canât make these decisions for you.
there IS an important caveat, a shortcut that bypasses this bad trade entirelyâand thatâs realizing that your way of being is ALREADY okay. masculine females and feminine males are healthy and good. itâs not always easy to comfortably BE that way in a society that does not embrace masculinity in women and femininity in men, but the solution is not to change your self, itâs to change the society. and the only way you can do that is by carving out that pathâBE a masculine female/woman and youâll show little girls today that thereâs a place for them in this world.
i did try out the trade for myself, however, and i learned a few things you might find usefulâmaybe these lessons i learned can save you the time and money and pain iâve already spent.
1) you never actually change sex. youâre always chasing the aesthetic imitation of the opposite sex with transition, but never becoming the opposite sex. in this and so many other ways, transition never ends.
2) passing is conditional. when your sense of self is predicated upon others seeing you a certain way, it can be taken from you in a second. i could be treated like one of the guys for a year, until one of them finds out i was born female. now that he knows, he cannot unknow. now my experience is tied to how he sees meâdoes he see me as a woman now that he knows? is he comfortable with me in the locker room? it was stressful and uncomfortable for others to have this level of control over my experience of the world and of myself. itâs also out of my control whether he decides to lend manhood to me nowâwill he use male pronouns with me? will he call me a woman? will he out me to the others? will he sexualize me or sexually assault me based on my female body?
3) as stated above, transition never ends. no matter how well you pass, transition always requires maintenance. youâll need bloodwork as long as youâre on hormonesâthatâs time and money you wouldnât have otherwise spent. youâll need supplies for your hormone shotsâtime and money you wouldnât have spent. there will be instances where you need to disclose your trans status, thus repeating the coming out process infinitelyâdoctors or EMTs, new intimate partners, friends. this process is exhausting and othering, itâs an ever-present reminder of the fact that youâre trans.
4) medical transition is expensive in terms of money and heath. taking hormones is always a risk. thereâs potential for: cardiovascular risk associated with testosterone, vaginal atrophy and sexual side effects, changes to mood (some for the better, some worse), not liking how hormones change your body. then thereâs the financial aspect. in the USA at least, this costs moneyâmoney for doctorâs visits, money for the hormones themselves, money for the supplies to administer them. thereâs risk in any surgeryârisk of death or serious complication, loss of function and sensation, improper healing, chronic pain. and of course, the monetary cost associated with surgery. removing the uterus can have lifelong consequencesâearly onset dimentia, lifelong need for synthetic hormones, osteoporosis.
5) there is no âactually trans.â thereâs no meaningful distinction between âtrue transâ people and others. trans people transition and identify as trans. their dysphoria isnât any different than mine was. thereâs no method for parsing âreal dysphoriaâ from something else. transness is an ideology. i liken it to religion. there are no âreal christiansâ and fake christians, there are only people who believe and those who donât. thatâs the salient difference between myself (detransitioner) and trans peopleâbelief. and if something requires me to believe in it to be real...well thatâs a good indication it probably isnât.
good luck out there. these are heavy questions and weighty struggles. thereâs no harm in focusing on other aspects of your life when youâre having trouble answering Big Gender Questions. rooting for you.
#detrans#detransition#radfem#radical feminism#transgender#ftm#non binary#just talkin#gender#asked#answered#anon
57 notes
¡
View notes
Note
Hi⌠I wanted to ask this on anon so I didnât ask on your personal, idk if this is too personal or anything to ask but
Do you have a problem with people saying they have a mental disorder if they donât have a diagnosis? Like for me so⌠I have been diagnosed with anxiety but I am like 99% sure I have bipolar disorder. And like I know you canât diagnose me so Iâm not going to go into depth with my symptoms but ever since I was like, 11, I used to get very depressed to the point where I contemplated ending it but then i would snap out of it and I think for me my manic phase are hypomanic bc ive never experienced like the full range of those symptoms but my depressive phases get very rough esp if I have external stressors but it will go through what I assume to be these phases like sometimes within the day esp if I have a stressor.
I am in nursing school and I work at a psych hospital so like this isnât coming out of nowhere, I am very familiar with all mental disorders and it was actually during my psych nursing class and learning about bipolar disorder that I was like⌠hm⌠why does this feel like a mirror right now. I am aware I should get to a therapist and get an actual diagnosis (if I had money I would lol) but like idk. Idk if itâs worth going to my doctor at my physical and being like âhey I think I have thisâ I am lucky enough now that I am in a good place and can manage my symptoms but I am terrified I will go through a stressor again and lose it so idk. I mean I feel like I already know the answer but I wanted to ask anyway to see your take :/
Anyway idk as a future medical professional I think self diagnosis got a bad rep and itâs like idk I think for mental disorders esp you can tell if you have anxiety and itâs a persistent problem. You can tell if you have depression. I know bipolar disorder is harder to diagnose but idk I think since Iâm in the field itâs easier? Idk I felt like a sense of relief with learning about it and finding similarities and being like âwell maybe thatâs why Iâm like thatâ. But idk now Iâm feeling uneasy bc I donât have a diagnosis and I donât want to be like, stepping over people who were diagnosed. Thank you in advance if you read all this and yeah Iâm sorry I know itâs a lot and this is controversial
ok this is a long post so im putting it under a cut but tldr, no i dont have a problem with it. it doesnt matter if you actually have an illness, it matters if you find a solution to your problem. if treating yourself like you have a certain condition makes it easier to go through life, then keep doing what works for you, you are doing nothing wrong. this all goes for physical and mental illnesses.
im a firm proponent of self diagnosis. i wouldnt be here if i didnt have the confidence to research mental illnesses and advocate for myself. as someone who is extremely familiar with the medical profession on account of being the daughter of a doctor and a nurse and spending my childhood running around a hospital, im extremely privileged to even have the knowledge and ability to do so, and i try to bear in mind the understandable hesitancy of people without this advantage. i know that you are well within your right to refuse medication that makes you sick, i know that you can complain about a doctor that isnt listening to you, i know that you are allowed and encouraged to be adamant about things you are told dont matter, and in addition to that, i have a VERY well known doctor and a nurse in my corner, and i am STILL treated as though i do not understand my own experiences enough to have any authority more often than i am not.
the reason self diagnosis gets a bad rep imo is because people have constructed this boogeyman of the worst case scenario, people collecting mental illnesses they dont have for attention as opposed to what it is, people doing research into their experiences and making theories on what they have so they can manage it. youll often see the take of "i dont hate self dxd i just hate people who do it for attention" and i think thats very irresponsible considering a symptom of many mental illnesses is thinking youre faking it and doing it for attention, nevermind the fact that attention seeking behaviour is literally a symptom of many mental illnesses people often dont want to empathize with. gatekeeping whos illness is real just keeps people who need help out. i could go into an anarchist screed about democratizing health, but basically, as someone whos life has been saved by my insistence on self diagnosis, and whos life has been made significantly easier by treating myself as though i have the conditions that i theorize i have, self diagnosis saves lives, and i, as an advocate for disabled people of all kinds on my island, will never put any conditionals on self diagnosis. it doesnt matter if you find the right name for your problem, it matters if you find a solution that works. i have yet to meet any of these fabled people who never try to receive a professional opinion, only people who literally cant.
as for feeling guilty, ill repeat how i opened this answer: it does not matter what exactly your problem is, it matters that you find a solution that works. in medicine generally, there will be a wide spectrum of problems with overlapping treatments, things which are similar but distinct, things which look identical but are completely different and at different levels of concern. it doesnt really matter which grab bag of bullshit your brain is reaching from, it matters that you know how to deal with what it throws at you, whatever that may be. dont worry about getting it right, worry about getting it working. okay?
for advice on how to deal with doctors, its helpful to pose it as a hypothetical as opposed to an absolute. when i bring up things im dealing with that i have a theory about i say "i think i have x" or "i think i might have x" or "i have a lot of symptoms of x". doctors are often egotistical and are easily challenged so it helps to pose it at a problem they can solve as opposed to one youve solved for them otherwise they get spooked. in my experience posing it this way leads them to actually interrogate this line of symptoms, and theyll ask you why you think that, and you can bring up symptoms that led you to that conclusion, and ones that give you trouble especially. for example, ive said "i think i may have autism or adhd? or both" to several doctors, and they either agree with me (i believe its been put in my file as a possibility now although i cant get an official test done due to financial and resource restrictions) or they ask why i think so, and i detail what i believe is due to my autism. its small, but this reframing helps a lot.
i think this covers all you said but my head is empty as hell.
3 notes
¡
View notes
Note
i think what bugged me the most is i could say âtheyâre literal depression pills/they made me depressedâ and could reel off the side effect word for word (1/10 will experience mood swings (sometimes in the form of depression)) which was literally the first fricking side effect listed and the most common and she would still refer to it as me being sad literally seconds later in a convo. okay i never went to the doctor but when it occurred to me that, hey, something isnât right, we were in the middle of a fucking pandemic!! i mean, we still are, but you get the point. this was right at the beginning when they basically closed everything as well so even if i wanted to i wouldnât have been able to go see someone about it. but itâs whatever now, i donât take them and i donât have to give her any advice about them âď¸ i completely get the lack of validity about your emotions. thatâs exactly how i felt.
i work so im not bothered about seeing people as i see them enough by my standards already but there is a helpful little voice in the back of my head reminding me that i still need to see my friends!! from before i got a job lol. i worked like 55 hours? my first proper week when i wasnât on reduced hours and now i work maybe 30? which annoys me so iâm gonna ask for more bc i wanna buy a car and insurance. you still go to school, right? i feel like youâre more stressed about work considering youâre studying too. or were. have you just broken up from school? i donât study, thank fuck, anymore, so i can do full time but i always get put on evenings so iâm thinking of getting a 9 to 5 bc then i can get the money i need.
a woman was rude to me bc her takeaway wasnât ready bang on the clock when she turned up to pick it up. man it took literally every fibre in my being not to tell her to fucking leave me alone bc iâm a waitress?? what does she expect me to do??? i found out after but apparently our website tells you to allow a 15 minute slot when you order takeaway to pick up. i checked on this womanâs takeaway and told her itâd be ready in 10 minutes and she said sumn along the lines of âso 10 past 8?â. imma tell you straight i wasnât looking at my phone so i assumed that meant the time was 8pm! (it wasnât) she said to me âand i assume youâll be knocking money off of the bill for that?â and i politely replied âi canât do that.â bc i literally cannot. has to be a managerial figure. bearing in mind sheâs already paid in full online???????? n she replies âdo you wanna go suggest that?â and nods towards the kitchen and i said no and walked off. the AUDACITY??? anyway i told my manager and she rolled her eyes and was like we donât do partial refunds and said sheâd talk to the woman when her order was ready. this woman was all up in my face saying âdo you think thatâs a reasonable time?â asking if she should come back at 8:10 and im like idfk?? i have things to be doing can you fuck off?? no i didnât say that but she says âiâve got kids in the car with the engine runningâ and i deadpanned âi didnât tell you to leave your kids in the car with the engine runningâ bc it was the first thing my brain thought of that wasnât âsounds like a you problem to meâ. in the end she left and came back but when she came back she was properly shouting at another waitress i work with and the girl was like đ your food was ready 20 minutes ago but you didnât leave your details to be able to ring you to tell you itâs ready. she even re-mentioned the kids in the car saying they were starving and it was all our fault and the girl was like hmm okay. and then the woman said she was gonna leave a bad review on trip advisor!! and the waitress was like đ you do that bestie!! another great day on the grind :D (i forgot to say we were swamped on saturday so thatâs why everything was so busy but she was literally the only one complaining that bad, like literally everyone could see we were struggling but they also were saying to wait staff things like âi know you canât make things go quicker back thereâ while we were apologising for the phat delay on their food).
another funny one (that made the barman laugh when i told it to him) was a grandma and a grandson in my section. the grandma was dictating his life jesus đ (not important but made me go đł) but one of the girls cleared the table partially when i was doing sumn else so i finished it off and when we get back to kp she tells me the grandma complained the food was cold and without hesitation i said âwell she fucking ate it all so tell her to fuck off and talk to someone who gives a shitâ. she went quiet and i was like,, man i hope i didnât scare her. but like. they cleared their plates. there was no food left. she didnât call someone over. she didnât say anything to anyone when they ask if it was okay. why wait until the end?? anyway i told thĂŠ barman and he giggled (heâs got a lovely laugh in my opinion bc it sounds like heâs snickering at everything). i was NOT going to tell my manager bc thereâs literally no point. same day, later on, a man said his mussels were cold, i took them back and the kitchen cooked them again. iâd barely put the food down before he called me over (this one is a good one bc he hasnât eaten EVERYTHING before complaining and therefore we can do something about the problemâźď¸) respect to that guy.
one of the girls gave me a lift home last night n the barman directed her right to my house without ever having been to my house before (his cousin used to live in the flats down the other end, he says) and when i messaged her later on thanking her and saying it was a bit sus that he directed her perfectly to mine n she said âhmm ben seems to go to yours more than he does his own home đ¤đ¤đ¤đ¤â bc apparently he was absolute shite at giving directions to his flat đ n e way heâs a sweetheart n he says he doesnât like christmas anymore n he made me sad after he said that n i said iâd post coal through his letter box n he said i might as well n i was like okay this is an actual problem n now iâm gone be super nice to him at christmas bc he deserves so much more that the hand heâs been dealt. this convo happened after i let him try this herbal tea he said smelt nice n i said it tasted like christmas to me. heâs such a good person (despite literally everything he tells me about his past) n i cannot have him being a little humbug. god i think this crush i joked to you about is becoming a soft core friendship. like every fucking wattpad story out there. me n the girls agreed someone has to love him đĽş
okay im signing off now ily ~ đť
 i am glad you are feeling better though, nobody deserves to suffer. and nobody deserves to have their emotions invalidated. remember that your emotions matter at all times. <3
yesyes i am still in school !! altough my summer break started on july 1st so i am not that stressed about managing many things at once anymore hh,, also you are working so much ??? damn ?? please remember to take some breaks and relax !! and meet your friends !!! have fun. i know you are saving up money but please dont overwork yourself !
wHY ARE PEOPLE SO RUDE OH MY GOD I SWEAR,,, i learned that while working with people. i just,, it feels like they are all looking down on me just because i am young and work there part-time. like bro,,chill. also i feel kind of bad when they ask me where stuff is and i cant tell them bc i have no idea but at the same time if people were all introverts like me i wouldnt have this problem. :) dfjk jk jk i should improve on that. i wish people were more nice to you !!! who do they think they are ?? like,,,,,why are you rude. this is clearly not your problem.
i like it when people tell you respectfully. like the guy you mentioned. because clearly what are you going to do about the cold food when theyâve eaten it all. whereâs the logic.Â
IT SOUNDS LIKE HE IS OVER AT YOURS EVERY OTHER DAY DFJAKL thatâs so funny. also i am bad at giving directions to my flat as well lmaoo poor ladies that drive me home from work sometimes. also i hate christmas as well lmaoo i feel that boy. its a little hard for me and i hope he doesnât feel as bad during christmas this year when he has you around hihi,,, i fully stan this friendship. altough i am a big fan of friends to lovers if you know what i mean. in the energy of wattpad :))
ily !!!
1 note
¡
View note
Note
Do u rly 100% believe ur not a woman? If u dont mind sharing how did u figure that out? How can u separate urself from ur body like that? We r our bodies! I cant wrap my mind around it even tho I have dysphoria. Also women are the most oppressed class of people 2 this day so it seems really really stupid 2 let our oppressors claim womanhood. We r all born from vaginas. How do people ignore history & reality? Is pretending ur not who u r a coping mechanism? Wouldnt accepting ur body b healthier?
Hi there! I considered not answering this because I donât want to fan flames or stir discourse because I donât want other people to get wrapped up into something that is 100% about me. I try really hard to cultivate a positive, lighthearted environment in all of my online presences. But honestly your ask isnât worded hatefully, and I think what I have to say is important and might help someone else, so Iâm going to answer it. But I probably wonât answer anything else and there better not be any funny business in these notes. If there is, I would like to politely ask people not to engage with it. Please leave me, and everyone else in these notes, alone. I am writing this for me, to answer your question about me, and Iâm writing this in case thereâs a baby enby out there who is exactly like me who who needs to read this today.
With that disclaimer aside...,
Yes, I really do 100% believe I am not a woman. I unfortunately cannot easily explain how without falling into the traps of words like masculinity and femininity. But itâs the same as any other identity. How do you know you are a woman? Is it something that you identify with, feel a personal relationship with? Or does it ultimately only come from your body alone, and you feel absolutely no connotations or connections to it whatsoever? Did it come to you through your body? I know people who 100% identify with their assigned gender, but canât really articulate how or why without falling into these same binaries. And I know people who 100% DONâT identify with their assigned gender and cannot truly articulate how or why. It doesnât even have a lot to do with masculinity or femininity. A lot of our language just doesnât have the words to describe such an internal experience.
It is true that there is a very specific type of oppression that comes with being born in a female body- or a body that would otherwise assign you female at birth. From what I can tell, thatâs what a lot of this really relies on. I donât think anyone who is AFAB and nonbinary or ftm is really denying that, at least not from my experience. Iâm sure theyâre out there. But we, by and large, HAVE had the experience of discrimination in some way or another because of our âfemaleness-â our ASSIGNED femaleness. (Something that got thrown at me was the idea of female socialization- itâs true, I was socialized as a female bc thatâs what my body âlookedâ like and thatâs just what our society assumes). But just as there is a very specific kind of oppression that goes along with being AFAB, there is also a very specific kind of oppression that goes along with being mtf, and there is a very specific type of oppression that goes along with being a poc and any of those other categories. Thatâs at the core of intersectionality. Different parts of our identities interact with each other in different ways. People experience oppression and privilege in different ways and at different times depending on where they fall in this mix of race/class/gender/ability etc.
I also have body dysphoria, and itâs true our bodies can define a lot of our human experience (after all if I didnât have a body I wouldnât have dysphoria, right?? Godddd what a life). But also because I have dysphoria, I do not think that our bodies should be the defining characteristic of our identities. Bodies and presentation can cause a lot of our social interactions- including oppression- but I think to say woman and womanâs experience = female body is quite a limited summary of the issue with little nuance, and itâs also quite limiting with the way our society is changing. This is why I heavily prefer terms like assigned female at birth. This can imply that such a person may have had a socially female experience (like me) in part due to their body, and thus was socially assigned to be a female, but just... also isnt a woman for some reason or another.
I also think that what we strive to do is not to ignore history (I think very few people are denying the way women have been treated in history, and are still treated to this day) but we hope to build from it. I think thatâs why feminism and gender studies get lumped together. A lot of feminist activists/scholars (many were both at the same time) led our current strides into gender constructivism. I studied a lot of gender essentialism when I started my thesis, and to be honest, I saw the point behind it in the context of the time, but weâve shifted in understanding and context since then.
And, in full disclosure, at the start of this whole adventure, (and i am SURE this will be used against me) I really did identify with being a woman. I thought it was awesome to have the body I had and when I started witchcraft I did actually fall into that really easy trap of tying the female experience to magic. (Honestly because I HATED my body and looking back that was probably a way to cope with DYSPHORIA and not the other way around). And isnât inherently harmful to have a working magical relationship with your body like that, but it is harmful when you think and say thatâs the only way people can exist and the only way people can be magical. But over time, I just started to change. Nothing traumatic happened, Iâve been incredibly fortunate and privileged my entire life, itâs not a coping mechanism, I just started to identify with womanhood less and less, for no real particular reason- nothing about me personality or preference-wise changed. Just my own internal view of myself.
I also got the words for gender euphoria. And I noticed more and more that, if I was being honest with myself, that that was always how I had truly felt. While itâs true gender roles shouldnât exist, just like any other role or label, itâs different when someone chooses that role for themselves versus when they have it thrust upon them. As a child, like many other AFAB children, I had the idea of womanhood thrust upon me, with all the roles and stereotypes that went along with it. Itâs fucked up in the first place, donât get me wrong, but I knew people who embraced these fullheartedly, I knew people who didnât. But some people who didnât still identified with womanhood, others became ftm, others became mtf. I had âwomanâ thrust upon me, didnât identify with it, rebelled against it, tried to rationalize it by accepting that I could be a âwomanâ without falling into gender stereotypes because there is no ONE correct way to be a woman (which there ISNâT), still didnât feel right, did a full 180 and started buying pink lingerie and worshipped Aphrodite, that worked for a while and was overall a positive experience that helped me hate myself a little less, but at the end of the day, no matter what I did, I still did not identify as a woman. What does happen to me, however? I get a burst of euphoria when I am called a boy. That makes me feel like Iâm being really seen. I actually resonate with that after years of not resonating at all with womanhood no matter how I sliced it, and thatâs why it feels so fucking good. I tried to identify as a woman. Believe me, I tried like all fucking hell. Even though my presentation is still read as mostly female (I would disagree strongly with it but alas society and their fucking gender roles), I am quite the feminine boy-something to me, and I donât have to justify that to anyone.
So TL;DR no itâs not a coping mechanism, I have lived a life full of very accepting, open-minded people and I wonât deny that I have that privilege, but in spite of that i STILL did not view myself as a woman, no matter how hard I tried. Iâve actually generally accepted my body except on the days my dysphoria makes me want to throw my boobs across the room, I donât think itâs denying history if weâre building from it, gender roles are fucked up. I recognize that my experience being AFAB- and others who are AFAB- comes along with a particular type of oppression, but thatâs why I prefer the term AFAB because it indicates the experience youâre talking about while also leaving it open to considering other experiences like my own and the experiences of other trans and nb folks. In a few years AFAB might be outdated as a term and then weâll find more terms to help figure this whole mess out.
TL;DR;DR no itâs not a coping mechanism and anyone is welcome to think that this is simply part of the horrible fallout of female socialization, and anyone is welcome to think that iâm mentally ill for identifying like this. people can think or say all they want about me but it wonât change the fact that Iâm a boy-something and it wonât change all the years I struggled trying to figure that out.
Thank you for allowing me to write this all out, I think I really needed to. This is something that had been floating in my brain forever, and explaining it all to you actually made my thoughts that much clearer.
Now everyone who sees this- please respect my wishes and please donât clown in these notes if it spreads. Iâm tired enough about this as it is today. Iâm tired enough about fucking gender as it is. Weâre all fucking tired. What Iâve shared today is about me and me alone and I want to keep it that way.
#gender stuff#discourse#seriously i know people are gonna comment on this but i wanted to share it bc i thought it was important to say#but i REALLY don't want other people wrapped up in MY OWN issues and identity#anon#asks
28 notes
¡
View notes
Text
so we know that rey, finn and poe go on a quest together. we also see c3po with them at one point. so what if the macguffin they are looking for is somehow connected to palps. there is an âevilâ c3po in the trailer suggesting he might be reprogrammed or,,, possessed??? what if palpatine kind of invades the good guys ala The Thing? He starts off with a harmless creature first, in this case one of our oldest and most favourite droids, but ofc this being sheev he is looking for a stronger host. somehow he gets to rey???
i dont think he will ever possess ben bc sheev has had a very bad experience with a skywalker in the past and that ended with him thrown down a shaft. to add to that, ben has already killed his master this early into his dark side career and i know anakin stans will hate to hear this but ben is stronger and i dont think sheev is gonna trust trying to pull some shit with him.Â
thats how i think dark!rey will be a real thing in the movie. not willingly bc reyâs moral compass unlike anakinâs is way too solid to actually become Evil. and while i wouldnt have been against her going deliberately dark i dont think tfa or tlj have developed her character into that direction nor do i think that tros has enough time to believably do that. hence we will be getting dark!rey via possession by the emperor.
i know a lot of people assume dark!rey is going to be a vision, which is definitely possible but i think she will be a real tangible thing one way or another and here is why:
1. people can say all they want that itâs a misdirection but previous trailers were not full of fakeouts either no matter what some grumpy people claim. Finn was shown with the lightsaber in tfa trailer and while he was not force sensitive he definitely fought against and stood up to kylo ren in a very epic moment. the tlj trailer had rey saying âi need someone to show me my place in all of thisâ and then the cut to kylo ren holding out his hand to her. In the movie rey says this to luke, but that still doesnt mean the trailer was a misdirection bc in the movie proper ben solo was still the one to provide her with guidance more than luke. the trailer was telling us something regardless of the way it was cut it still showed us what was going to happen in the movie.
2. JJ said (thanks to rian) that he approached tros far more bravely and boldly than he did tfa. Thatâs why i think JJ is actually going to go there.
3. Daisy was shocked that they showed the dark!rey moment in the trailer. idk it seems like there is more going on than just a lame vision. it sounds like a very important part of the movie.
4. Rey did have her personal conflict in tlj but she has yet to have a moment with the dark side like anakin and luke. we all know how anakinâs confrontation with the dark side went, luke had his vision in the cave in dagobah and eventually when he confronted his father.
5. i dont want to put that much stock into the teaser poster but i do find the constellation of ben and rey fighting in the foreground while palps is hovering in the background very striking. he is the big evil looming above the both of them, connected to them by lightning like the strings of puppets like he is the one to stoke the conflict and to make them fight even tho rey and kylo ren have plenty of reason to fight each other already without sheevâs involvement.
6. i have a feeling that rey struggling with the dark side will not only serve her character development where she will be fighting her inner demons but also influence ben soloâs own development. he thought thatâs what he wanted only to see rey being tortured and hurt by the same force that fucked him up.
7. palps used anakinâs love for padme to manipulate him and heâll try to do the same here imo but this time he will fail bc love will prevail.
8. it would be really cool lmao
anyway i could definitely be totally wrong but i got my clown makeup ready in that caseÂ
143 notes
¡
View notes
Text
im sorry but sometimes it is so see through that you fake and corrupt âpro recoveryâ people are literally just so frustrated and annoyed with nd people and thats all your mindset revolves around. like youâll throw one or two fucking random self care tips at us and weâll rightfully say âthat doesnt work for meâ and yall instantly go on these absolutely unnecessary and brutal TANGENTS you were saving up abt how weâre ââââwallowingââââ and that therapy takes ~Actual Effort~ so if ur special universal tips arent working for us weâre âââbeing difficultâââ and ââââlazyââââ and ââââhurting ourselvesâââââ like. idk man sure i am sorry i cant âtake a shower to feel betterâ bc my symptoms make the task more stressful actually and take away from my other more necessary tasks, im sorry i forget to take my vitamins and drink enough water bc i just dont feel a difference anymore, im sorry i rely on medication instead of therapy bc therapists also teach me things that dont seem to work, except im trying, which means no matter how hard i might seem to be failing, i am âpro recoveryâ. idc how the fuck it Looks to you personally, i deserve your support. and i shouldnt Feel the Need to apologize to a stranger who claims to be my ally for experiencing mental illness symptoms and not being able to immediately correct them ! if i could do that i wouldnt be mentally ill !! i especially should not be made to feel ashamed to even Talk about my struggles just bc i know yall will try to put a bandaid on it and then guilt me when i say it didnt work. smfh like. ur children. sometimes things just have deeper rooted problems and u dont have to take it personally that you specifically cannot cure me.Â
ik it blows ur fucking goddamn mind but yes actually some people just Do really struggle to shower, to drink water, to take their meds, as in it takes actual personal efforts for them it wouldnt take for you and they have to work harder than you to accomplish them, and there are in fact some things nd people personally Cannot do and will Never be able to do without going backwards and sacrificing their happiness and quality of life exhausting themselves for an unattainable goal. only they know their limit, and pushing yourself past your limit is unarguably damaging. this ugly ass assumption you cannot be happy enough while still âallowing yourselfâ to experience some symptoms... the idea that its just laziness and âanti recoveryâ to openly struggle with what you view as the âeasyâ or âbeginningâ steps of recovery... is an inherently ableist and Harmful mindset you are all falling victim to and fucking over this community with. to be perfectly frank you are not âpro recoveryâ when you demonize and shame people who are not ready for recovery. bc that doesnt do anything to help them recover. its genuinely just your excuse to hate and bash âseverelyâ nd people bc ur uncomfortable with them and wanna claim theyre doing it on purpose so you feel rightfully angry abt it. when you throw tantrums over us Being Mentally Ill and not ALREADY recovered like good boys or w/e all you are is pro nd people conforming to your standard of functioning and shutting the fuck up abt their actual identity and symptoms and experiences until they reach that level when ur comfy listening to them again. youâre pro neurotypical people, or those pretending to be for your comfort. its literally starting to border on an eugenics attitude by claiming the only healthy end goal is to be virtually indistinguishable from a neurotypical and match their functioning as best as possible. not all nd people Can do that, would be Happier doing that rather than accommodating their issues in other ways, and nor should that be the default goal to push on all nd people. also a lot of the shit yall push at us for even nts dont always conform to, so why is it us being made to walk on eggshells? why when i skip a shower am i evil and destructive but nt bob can go a week without one and no one bats an eye or they just joke about it???
lbr recovery doesnt look the same from person to person, you cant apply one broad standard like this, not to mention its not always an uphill battle, which doesnt just mean; âoops i relapsed :(((â. it means breakdowns, it means self harm, it means slacking off, failing hygiene, forgetting things, missing things, bad behavior, risky behavior, things that are Going to inconvenience you. and the second you forget that or decide to no longer care about those people, when you decide to have a baseline where you stop respecting or supporting nds for not trying hard enough to be like you, when you Drop them until they meet your standards as if they arent still nd people who need you on a basic level, ESPECIALLY IF YOUâRE A FUCKING NEUROTYPICAL WHO DOESNT HAVE THE RIGHT TO CHERRY PICK AT US LIKE THAT (!), is when you have inverted and ruined your own fucking cause by corrupting it with selfish conformist ableism.Â
tldr i understand why statements like âjust go to therapyâ âthanks im curedâ would frustrate you, but i also VERY MUCH understand and NEED for you people to TRY and understand why mentally struggling people would be adverse to going to therapy, and not bc they goddamn hate recovery and wanna be sad forever or w/e strawman youve come up with, but bc of their issues which are valid and Can hinder these types of decisions and even affect how much aid these coping skills actually provide, and they dont deserve your fucking Unbridled Malice and Shame over it bc they are not literally trying to be more mentally ill. its simply a symptom and consequence of their already existing mental illness. like i really... cannot fathom the level of disconnect you must be on with nd politics to take that and assume they are truly just rejecting the possibility of happiness for the sake of being unhappy. i truly think if you cant wrap your head around âmentally ill people, whos minds are literally experiencing sickness, are not always rational or able to help themselves, or sometimes it only appears that way and they just know better abt it than you doâ you just. arent even an ally. youâre an ableist in activists clothing. people struggling with the concept of recovery arent inherently âanti recoveryâ, yall are honestly just really fucking BAD at how you push for recovery bc most of you dont know shit and are just mean and wanna whine abt nds to be quite blunt with u lol. the whole âtough loveâ mindset is Bullshit ok it isnt real your love doesnt have to be tough and callous and come with conditions you just wanna be abrasive to validate ur judgement and then excuse it as secretly helpful, just be supportive and đŁ LISTEN đŁ to us or get the fuck out honestly bc u arent helping anyone with what this shit has unfortunately become
#tw ableism///#a little rambly but tldr i love the concept of pro recovery but oh my god if uckgin hate pro recovery people so much u are all so stupid#i keep waiting for you ppl to be less stupid and u never are#like mam are you pro recovery or are you anti visible mental illness. take a sec to ponder ill wait#long post#and for me its like. i dotn trust ppl who feel they have to clarify and say that why cant u just say ur a disability/mental illness ally#why cant you just say you support us. why cant you say you want us to be happy. why do you ahve to put#literally ALL of our value in your eyes on our recovery aka how far we can stray from being nd
8 notes
¡
View notes
Text
moreeeee stuff about Hearthiansâ reproduction, early evolution and... ghost matter! very much not solid theories and just idea to expand the world for Hearthains
gonna try and get into multiple parts of Hearthians in order to pull it all together that makes some more sense. obviously theres a lotta fiction ideas here, playing on existing things we know about biology! i try to take some of that to compare or use as examples to any new ideas i bring in here.
also dont be confused if these conflict with the previous post, consider it âover writingâ my previous post in ways, bc that post was for stuff i wrote over a week ago! initially and ultimately the asexual reproduction i wanted to describe doesnt exist in our standards of science and additionally the terms we have dont make sense for my ideas, so some things have been added and adjusted to maybe sound better lol.
Early Evolution and genetics
Hearthians when living in the water, reproduced asexually like many small aquatic creatures. we are talking waaay far back, probably up to or before the Nomai discovered them. this isnt exactly common (by our standards) for a species that evolved into mammals, but i will get more into that here.Â
now, i cant describe what i want to say with terms like âvertical/horizontal gene transferâ because its a bit too strict and if anything its a whole new thing- but i imagine Hearthians, as asexual/sexual mammals, had a larger gene pool that allows them to put in and pull out genes from a previous generation that are left within their own dna. this isnt completely illogical (i think, but also its fiction so,) like, compare this in a sense to HGT where a bacteria could take in a gene from outside and pass it onto a clone of itself in order to have genetic variation..... this is just to a kind of different and larger scale.
Hearthians way back would mostly produce asexually in this way because it wouldnt require another creature and was faster. but they still had the option to mate with each other and would do so from time to time. hearthians produced a lot of offspring- but the present day Hearthiansâ small numbers is due to the fact that many cross bred with other aquatic life or died off due to lack of food. sub species did not evolve into sapient life or they too went extinct over time.Â
Hearthians apparently took around 281,042 years to evolve as this is the length of time that the sun station has been offline- so lets just round that up to 300k years of evolution... to be a little more clear about the gamesâ somewhat lenient science fiction, it look humans around 6 million years to evolve (science summarizes it takes around 1 million years for an animal to evolve to where most are today). i say this to add onto more theories/headcanons, because thats a short span of time...Â
so, what if... hearthians mutated a lot more than normal? what if the ghost matter explosion caused mutations/its energy mutates the genes of Hearthians and additionally made them evolve faster? what if their genes are just fucked up a bit?? not to the extent of grotesque mutated monsters. minor things, like more gene variation or messing up their existing gene pool way more.
my ideas lean on Hearthians having been affected by the ghost matter in the middle of their evolution, when the comet exploded. this game has a lotta good timing/fate stuff with the Hearthians being left to discover the Nomaiâs unfinished trail and this point gives another addition to the whole story. the Nomai were quite risky and almost too ambitious with their search and imo i feel they like wouldve failed if they truly attempted the ATP back then, so by fate they âhadâ to die by the Interloper/ghost matter or else You never wouldve been successful at finding the eye. in a sense and the ghost matter in some way had a hand in your species evolving in time for the end of the universe.Â
Effects of Ghost Matter
its hard for me to again give real science on how the ghost matter would affect the Hearthians, bc it not real real science. but basically while Ghost Matter kills anything not in water, i imagine it killed everything due to some sort âradiationâ kind of energy. not nuclear radiation but, radiation of some kind that is effected by water. probably not a ârealâ thing in terms of stuff that exists in our world.
the initial explosion was so intense that while it didnt kill the Hearthians under water, it still effected them regardless. it âtaintedâ the land, plants, water and their molecular structure with its radiation. and with their large gene pool, lets just say it permanently fucked up their genes a bit and that huge leap in change continues to affect them. it also supported their ability to evolve quickly. the âradiationâ dies down over time though, but left an effect on them.
plants. this is just an idea i formed on a whim after hearing Porphy mention that Hearthians evolved by eating âlots of bad thingsâ. i imagine personally that plants âreactedâ to the ghost matter- they did not âdieâ like living mammals died from the matter due to whatever energy it was, but evolved to its explosion as a âthreatâ. the explosion and ghost matter was detected by the plants as a threat to them/their life and they evolved into being dangerous/poisonous. so hearthians grew in a planet that had very dangerous plants but they too evolved to a hardened stomach and could withstand the many minor protective measures the plants formed.
Sex/reproduction stuff. i dont consider this âNSFWâ its just sciencey talks! talking about genitals though! please dont proceed if under 16, preferably. also slightly reformed ideas on the previous headcanon post, as i have added much more to my ideas!
As hearthians evolved, they grew into land mammals and with their size, asexual reproduction was not as convenient. it wasnt about the genetics, as those were fine mostly, but the energy it takes to do so. in terms of evolution it was a poor device as they evolved into land mammals, because it barely happened and it drained the parent of their nutrients- they were not producing a lot of offspring and thi danger meant they could go extinct. at the point where hearthians were evolving to land, it was impractical for them to lay an egg more than once/twice in their life.Â
asexual reproduction isnt completely gone, just that as they grew larger physically it was deemed less ideal by evolution standards to do it as much as they did when they were tiny little things in the water. mostly with their gene transferring abilities, their reproduction still has some level of variance that fluctuates in extremes depending on the gene pool the parent personally has or if other stored sperm exists.Â
they were always equipped with organs for reproduction, but that were not used much within their early evolution. internally, Hearthians have âeggsâ that are fertilized by âspermâ to create an embryo. Said âspermâ also is attached to an internal organ that does physically move in order to reach the egg. this organ can be seen from the entrance of the vagina during the period of self-fertilization. eventually said organ was used externally as it became more clear that hearthians needed a more reliable/less exhausting method of reproduction.Â
self fertilization isnt always successful due to literal failures to fertilize physically (incorrect position, dead sperm, etc) which is why the two times in which an egg is created this way may not even create a live embryo, thus this method being ultimately unreliable for the Hearthians to thrive.
mentioned before- due to their old more common asexual ways, they experience a âcycleâ for reproduction. it is typically once or twice in their life and occurs over the span of almost a year. within this period is the highest success rate for fertilization (usually mid way through).Â
adding onto the gene transferring nonsense, a Hearthianâs past abilities to store old genes from their days of constant asexuality becomes relevant in their partner sexual reproduction as well. when mating with another Hearthian, the one being inserted into will store the otherâs sperm/genes regardless of whether or the creation of an egg is intended, which is what their hgt/vgt-like gene transferring did many times in the past as they evolved. this does in fact allow them to store sperm of multiple donors, to mix together genes when fertilizing an egg. it is not the sperm they store, but the genes within a sample of sperm.
3 notes
¡
View notes
Text
A Word For Us || Soft
Summary: June 21-22: Olaf comes out to Sindri! And then Sindri starts to learn more about himself too! Good golly gosh, we love kids figuring it out.Â
@huldufolk-hjarn
June 21, 2020
Olaf [deleted]: hi sindri u can ignore this since ur working but um hi!!
Olaf [deleted]: HI sindri do you have some time to talk about someth
Olaf [deleted]: HI sindri so i was googling
Olaf: đ âď¸ đ¤
Sindri: olaffffff
Sindri: hi
Olaf: hi!
Olaf [deleted]: wow ive forgotten how to talk to u like a normal person loooosflkj
Olaf: how's pixie's! is your shift going well? :)
Sindri: it's kinda slow right now
Sindri: im sitting here on a stool drying glasses lol
Sindri: so fun
Sindri: how's your day
Olaf: ah i know you're kidding but i love drying glasses
Olaf: i like the sound the glasses make, the little rubby sound? from the towel
Olaf: squeaky clean!
Sindri: like the squeak
Olaf: yes exactly
Olaf: and then arranging them in rows
Sindri: i had one that wasn't squeaky i should wash it again
Olaf: you should, customers deserve squeaky clean glasses
Sindri: yeah they do
Sindri: i was thinking about making myself one of those sodas we discovered last time
Sindri: like the regular soda water with the grenadine?
Olaf: ooooh
Olaf: yeah thats delicious
Sindri: i think peri might be starting to wonder where all her grenadine is going haha
Olaf: oh well dont have too much now
Sindri: i've had like three
Olaf: hmm that seems like enough
Olaf: though maybe we should get a soda water maker
Olaf: then we could make our own, they sell those you know
Olaf: we can order it online
Olaf: we can soda-fy any drink then, i think it'd be great for parties
Sindri: really?
Sindri: i thought it was a thing only bars had and like also places that make soda obviously
Olaf: no, you can get one for your home! and an espresso machine
Olaf: we should get an espresso machine too
Sindri: we should because then we wouldn't have to spend so much money on coffee
Olaf: well we would still have to buy the coffee for the machine but probably cheaper in the long run!
Olaf: really there are a lot of fun kitchen appliances we could get
Olaf: a waffle maker for example
Olaf: oh i saw a donut pan that was very cool
Olaf: there's a handheld smoothie maker but i think its better to just use the blender so you can make more smoothie
Sindri: i watched a video that showed how many soups you can make when you have a food processor which i think is just a bigger fancier blender but i like soups
Olaf: i saw a special kind of cutting device that slices an apple though into six equal pieces!
Sindri: i think my favorite food is soup
Olaf: soup is very good
Olaf: soups and stews
Sindri: yeah they remind me of home
Sindri: but waffles are good too
Sindri: if we made waffles we could decorate them
Olaf: yes! i love waffles because each hole can have something different
Olaf: like a little presennt
Olaf: likea  jellybean, or a peanut
Sindri: you want to put jellybeans on your waffles?
Olaf: well that was just an example but im sure it would taste good
Olaf: i like jellybeans and i like waffles
Sindri: jellybeans get stuck in my teeth
Olaf: sindri i also like you as a friend
Olaf: my best friend
Sindri: i like you as a friend too
Sindri: yeah you're my best friend
Sindri: are you okay?
Olaf: yes
Olaf: i was just doing some googling
Olaf: Google as you know is very useful. It answers almost every single question ive ever had since moving here
Sindri: yeah i love google
Olaf: yeah
Olaf [deleted]: i don't know if ive ever really told you but i think i worry about a lot of things. i dont like talking about it because i dont want everyone to worry about /me/ because then id just worry more about how im worrying everyone else but wow this is nonsense ANYWAY i have been really worried about...myself and feeling like something is wrong with me because
Olaf: i dont know if i ever told you this but for a long time, ive sort of felt something was wrong with me. it started when we began to date, but not because of anything you did, i think that was just the first time i realized i really wasn't like everyone else. at least i didnt feel the way everyone wanted me to feel or expected me to feel. and it was really awful, i just thought i was a big fake the whole time, like a liar almost, and then of course we broke up because i was so bad at it and everything but i still felt that awful feeling anyway.  and i just didnt know why and its never gone away  so i googled it today and googled and googled and i think i found the thing that explains me better than anything else and i think its important that i tell you what that is and im really nervous!!!!!!! look an emoji đ
Sindri [deleted]: we didn't break up because you were bad at anything
Sindri: there are a lot of things i want to say but im going to wait until you say your thing
Sindri: also i love emojis :)
Sindri: đŚ
Olaf: right, they're very comforting đ
Sindri: oh and please don't be nervous
Sindri: you can tell me anything
Olaf: im very nervous
Olaf: im even texting u and i know thsi should be an in person conversation ahha
Sindri: i think sometimes texting can make things easier to say
Sindri: it isn't like you're avoiding an in person conversation either because we live together lol
Sindri: im sure we will also talk about whatever it is in person
Olaf: right yes probably
Olaf: okay!
Olaf: so um yeah! humans have a lot of words for things and i think the word that fits me best is aromantic....ta-da!! đ đ đ đ
Olaf: it means i dont experience romantic attraction. because i never have, never, i dont' know why and i dont like dating like, i dont want to be anyone's boyfriend it makes me feel gross
Olaf: but i do want to be your best friend
Olaf: i was talking to finn and i said something that felt true but also kind of like i was contradicting myself? i dont know, feelings are very confusing but basically i said that you're my right person
Olaf: and i think thats still true even tho i dont want to date you and i dont mean that like i am in love with you or anything because im not and egjaldkf that feels mean to say but im trying to say that i really love you sindri and i never want to date you but you are more special to me than my other friends
Olaf: see it sounds like im contradicting myself
Olaf: also like im rejecting u when u didnt even ask me out so!!! sorry oh frosty
Sindri: i love you too olaf
Sindri: you'll always be my best friend
Sindri: always no matter what
Sindri: you're my right person too and i think i kind of get it
Sindri: not completely but i want to learn and i will look up that word but i don't think you're mean or fake or anything like that
Olaf: are you sure because i just read over those texts and it felt mean
Sindri: i don't feel insulted or rejected really
Olaf: I just want you to know it isnt you
Olaf: i used to think i was just rejecting you or something but the idea of dating anyone really is gross for me. like i dont want to ever stop being your roommate though iknow we probably will stop eventually
Sindri: im kind of sad you felt like a fake and a liar though
Sindri: why would we stop
Sindri: i don't want to stop being your roommate ever either
Olaf: well if you ever enter into a promise with someone
Olaf: you know, if you fall in love
Olaf: i probably wont be yoru roommate then. which is okay!
Sindri: but you're my right person
Sindri: when we were apart i was really sad a lot because i missed you
Sindri: and now that you're here im happy a lot of the time
Sindri: i don't want to be somewhere you aren't that sounds stupid to me
Olaf: i dont either. though we wouldnt be far or anything i mean if we stay here in swynlake we'd probably still be in the same town. i just dont want you to... um...not move on? I dont know if thats what you're doing idk sorry i feel like im making a lot of assumptions right now
Olaf: i dont want to hold you back if you fall in love with someone else
Olaf: thats all
Sindri: can i ask u a question
Olaf: yes
Sindri: is it okay if im a little bit in love with you? i mean..i'm not saying i want to date you or be your boyfriend because i don't want to do anything you don't want to do and i want us to be us and honestly im not even sure what being in lvoe is i guess except that i like you most and i like everything we do and that's the way i know how to say that
Sindri: i just say that with like
Sindri: zero expectations from it except you just being my friend for as long as you want to be
Sindri: sorry
Sindri: i probably shouldn't have said that
Sindri: i hope it didn't make you feel gross
Olaf: it only makes me upset if i think about somehow letting you down which i think is sort of my problem not your problem, which i realized recently too
Olaf: i just worry about a lot of things sindri
Olaf: i worry more than you might think i worry haha, i just worry that one day you'll decide that being my best friend isnt enough for you
Sindri: i will never decide that
Sindri: i love you as a person way more than i am "in love" with you which the more i think about it is a stupid concept anyway like what does it even mean
Sindri: when i say it it just means you are my favorite person
Olaf: i mean i mean that too but im not in love with you
Olaf: i dont know bc i dont feel it
Olaf: so maybe what you feel is or isnt love...i dunno sometimes i think romance is a game people play ahha i dunno
Sindri: i don't know how people date people they don't really know
Olaf: well i dont get what makes it a date
Sindri: ....wow
Sindri: me either
Olaf: because i could go out with lots of strangers and get to know them but i wouldnt call it dates id just call it...uh...getting to know a new friend haha
Olaf: like you went on dates with nemo when you moved here if u think about it
Olaf: except you didnt
Olaf: i dont know
Sindri: yeah
Olaf: i guess if people want to kiss at the end
Sindri: yeah maybe
Olaf: i just dont want you to lie to me
Olaf: like i did sort of lie to you for a little sindri and i am so sorry i did but i dont want to lie anymore so if you say that you're in love thats okay it is
Sindri: yeah i think maybe being honest about feelings is a really good idea for us
Sindri: because i don't want you to feel uncomfortable ever
Olaf: and i really dont want to hurt you
Sindri: i don't think you will but i will let you know if it ever happens
Sindri: im being really honest when i tell you that i only want what you want i will never feel like i'm missing out as long as you are my best friend okay
Sindri: i don't want dates and a boyfriend i don't feel like im missing out on that stuff
Sindri: i mean i guess i could theoretically want it but i don't miss it
Sindri: i feel complete without it
Olaf: okay. im gonna work really hard to believe that
Olaf: it might take me some time but thats because i think i still dont feel uh... enough i guess
Olaf: but we promised we wouldnt lie to each other so if you tell me thast what you want i believe you
Sindri: also i know it's not my place to say but you are enough i promise you are so great and anyone who knows you is lucky to have you in their lives. i'm so lucky you are my best friend olaf.
Olaf: well i dunno why you wouldnt think its your place to say as my best friend you should compliment me thank you  x3
Olaf: but i know you mean that
Olaf: and im lucky too
Sindri: thank you for telling me all this stuff
Olaf: thank you for listening
Olaf: and not hating me haha
Sindri: lol peri might hate me because i took a long break oops
Sindri: but i'll see you in a couple hours okay?
Sindri: i'm going to give you the best hug ever!
Sindri: it'll be almost like an olaf hug
Sindri: maybe
Olaf: oh oops
Sindri: idk i'll try
Olaf: haha im sure it will be even better than an olaf hug
Olaf: it will be a sindri hug ^.^
Sindri: :)
Olaf: we can maybe talk more when you come home too, if you want
Sindri: okay
Sindri: i think i'm going to look stuff up too when i'm drying glasses
Sindri: just so im prepared
Olaf: yeah! you can ask me questions
Olaf: though im still learning too haha
 June 22, 2020Â
Olaf: hi sindri, i found more words!
Sindri: haha yeah?
Olaf: yeah xPPP
Olaf: there are lots of fun ones humans have a great sense of humour
Olaf: like wtfromantic ahha that made me laugh
Sindri: what does that mean
Olaf: WELL
Olaf: "a romantic orientation in the aromantic spectrum that describes people who cannot differentiate platonic from romantic attraction, cannot define romantic attraction and therefore aren't sure if they experience it"
Olaf: im glad there's a word for it and that word isnt stupid haha
Sindri: oh hey i like that one
Sindri: i think that one makes a lot of sense
Sindri: i've been thinking about like
Sindri: the line or whatever and it feels really arbitrary to me
Sindri: like what makes something a date? or not a date? you know
Olaf: exactly!!!!
Olaf: tho ive never felt any um, i dunno anything different for anyone so
Sindri: oh like where you want to "date" them
Olaf: right or like
Olaf: butterflies
Olaf: people talk about butterflies and i never get them for other people. i get flutters for other things
Olaf: like when im excited for an event you know?
Sindri: yeah
Sindri: i've been looking at stuff too
Olaf: oh have u also found words i have a list of words here but you can go next if you want
Sindri: no i want to know what your words are first
Olaf: well this next one is fun, it's squish
Olaf: guess what that means
Sindri: is it like a crush
Sindri: it sounds nicer than a crush lol
Olaf: yeah!
Olaf: its wanting to be friends with someone i guess, like, really badly
Olaf: i actually dont think ive had squishes either haha
Olaf: i mean! i want to be lots of people's friends but
Sindri: oh that's cool
Sindri: wow i love my new words so far
Sindri: squish is just a really cute one
Olaf: yeah i think its a very cute word x3
Olaf: There's also aesthetic attraction! which just means liking how someone looks, which is different than romantic or sexual attraction
Sindri: i found that one too
Sindri: i've been trying to figure myself out actually
Sindri: and that one was something i think i relate to a lot
Olaf: oooh wow im glad these words are helping you too
Olaf: yes i think i definitely understand aesthetic attraction.
Olaf: i actually think i might be asexual too? which is pretty crazy because i like sex but apparently thats not mutually exclusive!
Olaf: people shoudl really teach a class on this stuff
Sindri: it was also weird because it made me realize that when people say they are attracted to other people it means they actually want to have sex with them
Sindri: a lot of the time
Olaf: i KNOW
Sindri: that's CRAZY
Olaf: i dont not want to have sex with people? i dont know, i just dont think about it
Olaf: but if i think someone is pretty my first thought isnt oh lets have sex
Sindri: i never mean that when i say someone is attractive like i never look at a person and like want them to YES
Sindri: wow
Olaf: wow frosty!
Olaf: we have that in common haha
Sindri: i'll tell you one of my words
Olaf: yes!Â
Sindri: demisexual
Olaf: oh i saw that one!
Sindri: it's where you only feel sexual attraction to someone you have an emotional connection to already
Sindri: i think that's me
Olaf: ah that sounds like you
Olaf: what a beautiful sindri word
Sindri: thank you
Olaf: i think i read another word for us
Olaf: did you come across queerplatonic?
Sindri: no
Olaf: oh!
Olaf: its a good one haha
Olaf: i mean i think so
Olaf: its kind of hard to describe exactly im still reading about it but uhhhh okay maybe i'll just link you
Olaf: https://lgbta.wikia.org/wiki/Queerplatonic_Relationship
Olaf:it kind of sounds like some promises, you know? though most promises are romantic
Sindri: oh hey
Sindri: wow this really does seem like an us word
Olaf: yeah doesnt it!
Olaf: like how everyone thought we had to be more than friends
Sindri: yeah which is dumb
Sindri: i really like this one
Sindri: this one makes me feel like
Sindri: idk if feels right
Olaf: yeah i dont feel as stupid anymore haha
Olaf: if other people are like us, i mean
Olaf: maybe not exactly like us
Sindri: well it even says there are lots of ways they can be
Sindri: which is cool
Sindri: like if it makes sense to the people in the relationship that's how it is it's about being open and being comfortable
Olaf: yeah each one has different rules apparently
Sindri: i also think it's kind of silly that like friendships are apparently "not as intense" as romantic relationships which i guess is why this exists right
Olaf: yeah i think so
Olaf: though its confusing still because some articles say its asexual and other ones say that there can be sex
Olaf: but that goes back to teh different rules thing
Olaf: i think each one must be like a snowflake
Sindri: yeah i think it is about what the people in them want
Sindri: are we
Sindri: or like
Sindri: i don't know i think maybe if i wanted to define our relationship i might want to use that word
Sindri: which is something we would totally have to talk about
Olaf: i think id like that
Olaf: i just have always wanted to be your best friend forever which sounds so silly and childish but i dunno
Olaf: maybe we dont need all the words for it but maybe we do?
Olaf: or not!
Olaf: haha
Sindri: i want to be your best friend forever too olaf
Sindri: like i mean it
Sindri: i don't ever want to stop being friends with you and when i think about what i want my life to be like you are always in it
Sindri: and maybe having a word would make that easier because we wouldn't feel like we are doing things wrong?
Sindri: even though there isn't a right way
Sindri: but just in terms of other people and maybe feeling pressured to be different? i dont' know
Olaf: i think it would make me feel better about not leading you on or disappointing you and i know you say i dont do those things but it makes me nervous
Sindri: yeah and i would feel better about feeling like i'm accidentally pressuring you
Olaf: yeah
Olaf: we should definitely talk about it
Olaf: there are actually checklists and sheets and stuff hehe its kind of cute
Sindri: aww really?
Olaf: yeah :3
Sindri: when do you want to talk about it
Sindri: do you want to like plan a time
Olaf: oh i was just going to do it whenever you wanted to?
Olaf: if you want we can plan a time
Sindri: i think i would like to talk about it when i see you next so probably tonight haha
Sindri: it feels really good to maybe have a word
Olaf: oh okay! I can print out these worksheets if you want
Olaf: i'll make snacks hehe
Sindri: okay lol i can bring home some of that soup from remys too because we can't just eat SNACKS
Olaf: i do like that soup!
Sindri: good we have a plan then!
#soft#text#soft text#yes i am still posting things a month late#:) would u expect anything less from me
2 notes
¡
View notes
Text
hey its me again wall of text sorry not sorry
k i saw your little treatise justifying zadr and yknow its a cartoon its not the worst thing ever of course nobody is gonna sue you for reblogging fanart or burn you at the stake or w/e and im glad you decided to open yourself up to a differing opinion but zim IS portrayed as an adult. there was even an unfinished episode where zimâs childhood and growing up training from start to finish would be shown so by the time of the pilot he is definitely a full grown developed adult by irken standards especially if hes a former member of an elite military force like the invaders. jhonen has said that the irony and sad comedy of zims character is that hes a grown ass man and a war veteran to boot who VOLUNTARILY goes to an elementary school every day and throws hands with an 11 year old boy who should be well below his notice because heâs that pathetic and desperate for validation that heâll stoop to seeking it from a child. it also sets up a dynamic between them where dib is CHALLENGED by having to go up against an adult with way more experience than him while dib is just a child, so when he wins its more meaningful, which is a common trope in childrens fiction that an underdog young hero has to take down a powerful adult villain.
jhonen might joke a lot but heâs serious about this part of the characterization of zim and dib and he even went to great lengths to make dib look and act more like a kid in ETF (more emotional and naive, designed to look smaller/softer, going in depth with his relationship to his dad and sister and needing his dad to protect him at the end when heâs too overrun to fight alone) just to drive home the point of how young he is. it was a very deliberate move and jhonen knows what hes doing ESPECIALLY since he also left zim pretty much unchanged and also includes gags about zimâs relative maturity like animating him briefly grimacing because his joints are sore and the part where he pretty much gestures to his crotch and goes âtheyre afraid to look at ALL-A THISâ. like you would not see jhonen do that sort of joke with an underage character ok. dont confuse his social awkwardness and self deprecating/trolling humor for not knowing the difference between right and wrong and not acknowledge when he means something sincerely because he doesnât just clown on people and troll ALL THE TIME 24/7 hes a human, and times have changed with more awareness on issues such as the grooming of minors so he can go back on things he may have said in the past that he doesnât agree with now or said by mistake. he has said enough times that zim is older than any human alive that its safe to take his word for it by now. judging by the one strip he did in JTHM about johnny murdering a pedophile who was about to prey on squee i think his stance on protecting kids is pretty clear. also i wouldnt put it past jhonen to have redesigned membrane to be more chaddy looking to divert the adult fandomâs attention away from dib and throw the fangirls a bone but thats a whole nother can of worms lol.
and the justification that zim is immature so hes essentially on dibâs level is a reversal of something lots of kids hear from either creepy or ignorant adults who tell them theyre âso mature for their ageâ. no matter how emotionally mature you are it wont ever compensate for the number of years youve been alive so thatâs not very sound logic, and even in fic where theyre both adults itâs still pretty weird because it doesnât erase their history where zim knew dib as a kid. thatâs sort of like a grownup waiting with bated breath until a kid is âlegalâ so they can start dating. kinda like when jacob imprints on bellaâs newborn daughter in twilight then having it handwaved away by saying heâll wait till sheâs grown up, which understandably drew a huge amount of criticism. itâs a loophole that might be mildly acceptable in some cases but the context leaves it colored with a residual ickiness that sets off some red flags for me and a lot of other people.
also you said zim is an alien and therefore the situation itself is unrealistic, but the reason invader zimâs writing resonates with people is because zim is written with very HUMAN emotions and motivations and part of the humor again is how irkens despite being aliens from another planet mirror some of humanityâs worst flaws such as being petty, gluttonous, willfully ignorant, arrogantly believing they are special and better than everyone else, easily manipulated by propaganda, all too eager to greedily colonize other societies etc making them not so different from us at all. so the premise out of context might not seem realistic but the idea of a sad burnout adult who doesnât realize how humiliating it is to be consistently outsmarted by a kid less than half their age IS realistic and applicable to human interaction since weâve likely all met someone like this before at one point in our lives for example a schoolteacher who has a personal vendetta against one or more of their students and has nothing better to do than antagonize them, or a really dumb parent that you fight with a lot.
another thing, i know you and other fans probably have a lot of sentimental value and nostalgia attached to zadr because you probably shipped it back when you were a kid yourself and you cant be blamed for something you liked as a kid, but youre an adult now, and you have to listen to the portion of kids in the fandom who dont like zadr and say without question that the age gap makes them uncomfortable. those kids ARE the priority. weâre grown up now and we have to put our feelings aside for them because thatâs part of being responsible and mature. i feel like zim himself is a pretty good example of how not to act at our age [shrug emoji]
and anyway a lot of the same elements of zadr can be explored with zadf just as well with just as much potential for cute moments and as a bonus is itâs not creepy
You do bring up some good points, and Iâm not saying youâre wrong... But honestly Iâm still not convinced. I mean, stuff that Jhonen said, the thing is even if itâs the author saying it itâs still outside of canon, thatâs the reason why Neil Gaiman got flack for Good Omens because they didnât write an actual kiss or hug or hand-hold between Aziraphale and Crowley yet Neil Gaiman went on Twitter saying they were queer representation. I still donât really put much stock into what he says because the unfinished episodes and Jhonenâs commentary donât really change the dynamic thatâs actually in the show. And again...Jhonen said if there were going to be romance in the show it would be Zim/Gaz, so heâs either a huge hypocrite or doesnât view Zim as being incompatible with Gaz.
I do think itâs much better when Dib is an adult and it just makes more sense, and I actually do prefer zadf to zadr and if i were going to ever write fanfiction or make fanart it would probably just be zadf, just because i know this does have some stuff to think about and I totally respect that you have a different view of it, but i honestly just donât see it that way. The analogy with Jacob imprinting on Bellaâs child in Twilight isnât really the same thing honestly. The author in that situation tried to make it not......that....by saying that imprinting isnât always a romantic relationship thing, and that Jacob would be more of an older brother, but honestly that doesnât really negate the impact of grooming that kid would have with Jacob around. The idea that Zim would somehow be grooming Dib seems really silly to me although youâre right, I think his characterization in Into the Florpus has evolved somewhat especially with regard to Dib wanting to get his fatherâs approval, but again Zim has parallels with that in trying to please the Tallest. the world-building and characterizations are inconsistent and scattershot at best. Like no, zim isnât waiting for him to turn legal, thatâs absurd, theyâre nemeses coming at each other then learning to be friends. Youâre right that that doesnât have to be zadr but I still tag it as zadr so people can block it if they want to.
Like, Iâve seen people ship Zim with Professor Membrane instead of Dib. That seems very weird to me. that professor membrane would have a relationship with someone who literally goes to his sonâs elementary school and who doesnât know anything at all about human behavior and emotions.
I feel like with this discussion people donât really understand the problem with age gaps. With age gaps, itâs not a matter of mature/immature, itâs about development. A ten year age gap sounds like a lot right? a 25-year-old and a 15-year old would absolutely have a predatory ârelationship.â But a 35- and a 45-year old, thatâs perfectly fine. Having a difference in age doesnât automatically make the relationship unhealthy. so if Dib is 25 and Zim is [whatever the hell aliens years i still donât really take Jhonenâs word for it bc heâs not consistent], thatâs doesnât mean it has to be bad. The thing about telling minors theyâre âso mature for their ageâ to try and convince them that a person interested in them isnât a pedophile is that we know a human being who is 15 isnât developmentally at the same level as a 25-year-old regardless of their behavior. What is Zim? All we have to go on is how he acts, and he acts like Dib is an equal match, itâs not âheâs immature for his age,â itâs very unclear. Raw number of years isnât the ultimate decider, for example in DnD lore elves reach maturity at, like, 100 years old so a 25-yo human trying to get with a 50-year-old elf would be predatory to the young elf even though the âyoungerâ one is technically twice as old as the human. Do you see what Iâm saying?
I also donât really buy the idea that Invader Zimâs writing resonates with people because Zim is ~~so human~~. The guy steals a bunch of kidâs organs in one episode and flies into a tantrum over the slightest inconvenience. You have to be reading really deeply into it and dig into some old internet archives of things Jhonen Vasquez has said to paint it as realistic. You can do some interesting things with it wrt like, Zim being defective and starting to experience human emotions but thatâs mostly fanon.
Well, youâve given me some things to think about, thanks for explaining your side to me. Iâm still going to tag things as #zadr so people can block if it canât plausibly be categorized as zadf. Iâm not actually making any fan content for Invader Zim so the point is kind of moot, but if I ever do Iâll definitely take this into consideration.
36 notes
¡
View notes