#which is so hard to accept after blaming myself for it for so long

[guinevereslancelot]

starting to think all of my symptoms are not separate unrelated symptoms but possibly are all related and even caused by the same condition.. 🤨

[bunnyboy-juice]

spent the first hour and change at work deleting some old files and am having a grand ol time laughing at myself for not realizing i was a lesbian sooner

[girlcrushau]

[leclarifies]

i love you. it's ruining my life. (MV33)

✰ max verstappen x popstar!ex!reader ✰

summary: you and max have been broken up for four years now, going no contact for the entirety of those years. never bothering to contact eachother but he invites you to one of his races one day after the last show of your tour, who were you to say no?

genre: angst (im sorry)

wc: 3k

a/n: AHHH, THIS WAS WAS A DOOZY!!!!! i loved writing this (i mostly just like hurting myself more than anything). kind of dark themes tho, ooc max bc he vvv loving and would never cheat on his lover. thank you so much for 100 followers btw!!!!!! i wrote this as a 100 follower special :3 thank you so much for my supporting my short journey as a tumblr writer, you guys inspire me to write even more for you guys. can you imagine that's it's been a week of writing and i've already gained 100 followers?? i love you guys so much.

warnings: mentions of existing relationship with kelly, cheating

"thought of calling ya, but you won't pick up. another fortnight lost in america." - taylor swift, 'fortnight'

isn't it ironic that careers can really separate you from what truly made you, you? being a popstar, touring for months on end, surrounding yourself with new people, new opportunities, made it hard for you to reconnect with the people that helped you from day one.

it wasn't like you cut them off, or stopped talking to them. you tried. you really tried, but sometimes life goes on and people forgive and forget. your old life before you started your career was slowly being etched away and replaced with new pieces.

and maybe that was a bad thing.

"on stage in 2 minutes," a voice snapped you out of your trance, you looked up. you looked amazing in your sparkly dress, it was the last leg of your tour and you were touring in europe.

you had been offered to attend a formula one race this weekend after all of your shows had been concluded, you've been thinking about it, but you're not sure you want to go. one of the people from said past was in attendance and you're not sure if you wanted to immerse yourself in that again.

you didn't think about it for long though, you were due for a show and a show was what you're going to give.

it wasn't long until the weekend, friday to be exact and you had accepted the offer of being on the formula one paddock, you knew that a certain ex-boyfriend was going to be there, racing on the track and you were invited personally by him, which was why you were so skeptical to go.

POPSTAR Y/N BREAKS UP WITH F1 DRIVER MAX VERSTAPPEN.

you remembered the headlines, you remembered what you let go of but seeing someone you still loved after your break up almost four years ago stung a little bit.

you couldn't blame him though, you were the one to break things off all those years ago. it wasn't because you had a terrible relationship with him, but it was more because you both didn't have time for eachother and you could see it in his face everytime you came home to monaco after a long show.

"i miss you, when can you finally stay and actually stay awhile?" max's face looked pitiful and you could only look down at your feet, you felt guilty. you wanted this career, he pushed you for this career but sometimes you wished that you could split yourself in two to cater to both his needs and yours.

you look back up at him, locking eyes with his stormy blue eyes, "i don't know maxie, maybe next month? i don't really have a schedule for next month, i can stay in monaco with you for awhile—"

"you said that last month, when are you actually going to be free schatje?"

"max, i can't give you a definite timeline—"

"what's the point of me being in a relationship with you when i can barely see you?"

it hurt to hear those words come out of his mouth.

maybe that's when you finally realized that he deserved someone normal, someone who wasn't a famous singer and could actually spend time and be there for him.

but here you were, amidst the paddock with a singular security guard because you didn't think you needed more than one, considering security around the paddock was tight in of itself.

the red bull's garage had been nice to you, offering you anything you possibly could need while being on a grand prix, you had politely declined any type of special treatment though, wanting to feel like a person for once in your life.

you wouldn't say your job is the hardest in the world, never. doing what you loved while meeting all of your fans was going to be the highlight of your day, but sometimes the job came with crazy fans that would invade your privacy for selfish reasons, and it made you a tiny bit stressed.

you remember starting out from the netherlands, starring in small gigs before getting signed to a mega corporation in america, which was when you moved. you slowly lost contact with your friends, but you were sure they were proud of you although you weren't proud that you lost contact with them.

you knew that if you contacted them that it would be awkward, there was just no way they would even remember you, right?

you were walking about aimlessly around the paddock, it was free practice day which meant that after the allotted time of the free practice, drivers were free to roam around the paddock however they wanted. you were scared on what you had to face today.

you told yourself to just keep calm, take whatever you got this weekend and just react like a sane person.

saturday came and went, you attended the paddock to watch the qualifying session, of course, max came out on top. was it even a surprise to you? you knew he was the best of the best, you never expected less of him, even after all these years.

sunday was here and maybe it was the anxiety, but you felt like throwing up when you saw max approach you.

"y/n, it's good to see you."

god, those eye-smiles. you could never get tired of them.

"hi max, congrats on starting out pole for this weekend," you told him as you shook hands with him, he was all smiles.

it felt good to see him happy.

"how has the paddock been treating you?" max asked, gesturing all around him, "have you tried the food? it's really good."

you nod as you let go of his hand, clasping it with your other hand, a nervous habit, "yeah, the food's good. how have you been? i haven't talked to you in awhile," a nervous laugh bubbled up from your throat, you were nervous to see him, maybe it was those damn butterflies in your stomach that you couldn't get rid of when he looked at you with those blue eyes of his.

"i know, you've been quite busy right?" max laughed at you, he felt silly conversing with his ex-girlfriend like this, like they didn't have a past.

you could only nod and smile back at him, shoulders tense, "yeah, touring's been eventful. it's the last leg of the tour so i decided to come, thank you for the invite by the way, i really appreciate—"

"max, who's this?" a voice came from behind you, quite condescending if you did say so yourself, cutting you off, you turned your head around to see his girlfriend and his girlfriend's child coming into view, walking towards max and wrapping max with her arm as a possessive embrace.

max kissed her cheek, and that hurt. you didn't want to know why, but you knew. he spoke up afterwards, "this is y/n, she's a singer. i wanted her to come because she had a show here, thought the timing was quite convenient for her. y/n, this is my girlfriend, kelly piquet. she's a model."

you extended your hand as a form of hello before introducing yourself, "hello, i'm y/n—"

"yeah, i know who you are," kelly cut you off again, you were quite taken aback by the hostility, your hand left hanging but then again, max was talking to one of his ex-girlfriends. you thought you would react the same way, so you didn't take it too much to heart. her face was something you'd describe as an angry, possessive tiger, brows furrowed, frown on full display.

"i didn't mean to take time away from your boyfriend. i was just having a little chat pre-race," you tried to give her a smile while returning your hand back to your side, but kelly was adamant about standing her ground.

little penelope was looking at you like she had stars in her eyes, you smiled at her. as if it was a sign of whether she should speak up, she starting speaking to you directly, "hi, i really love your songs. do you think you can stay in the red bull garage and we can take pictures together?"

you giggle and bend down to her level and pat her head, "hi little p, of course we can take pictures together— that's if your mother lets me," you acknowledged that this little girl was no ordinary little girl and was your ex-boyfriend's girlfriend's child.

"can we all talk in private please?" kelly excused the three of them away before you could even give her a response but you understood her. standing back up before walking off deeper into the paddock.

MAX'S POV

"i don't understand why you would invite her!" kelly was pacing around the motorhome, here we were fifteen minutes before race start and here my girlfriend was still yelling over something that happened two hours ago.

"kelly, i just thought it was a good idea. i wanted to invite her because i know p was such a big fan of hers—"

"she's your ex for god's sake, max!" kelly yelled out yet again, "why would i ever approve of her coming to one of your races? let alone be near to p??" her pacing was more feverish now, like she was scared.

i could only sigh, honestly i wasn't too worried about this problem at the moment. the only thing on my mind was the race and only the race.

"look, can we talk about this when i've finished with my race? i really need to focus and you keeping me locked up in here isn't going to help with it," i stood up from my seat, i didn't want to hear anything else come out of her mouth other than a 'okay' and letting me walk out of here.

"don't you think our relationship is at stake here—?"

"if you don't let me go out into the garage, then we're nothing kelly," i say with finality, i wasn't going to let her ruin a race, "i told you, we will solve and talk about this issue later, but you chose to lock me up in here. there will be nothing to salvage if you don't let me do my job."

kelly wordlessly stepped out of the way of the door and let me go, thankfully just with enough time where i could run down and get into the garage, getting me in racing gear.

thankfully the red bull mechanics and officials were understanding enough to let me rush and get inside of my car, getting into the chasis just at the right moment where we would need to drive out.

it was going to be a fine race for me. i knew it. i had enough confidence in myself to know whether i could win a race, and this was one of them.

"and that's p1 max, great race," gp was in my ear, i was proud of myself for winning, but kelly was gnawing the back of my mind. although, the first face i saw when i got out of the car was y/n's.

it felt like my heart stopped beating, i thought i got rid of those stupid butterflies ages ago, but nothing ever beat seeing her smile after i finished a race. she looked so beautiful, so ethereal but i washed those thoughts out of my head.

i had a girlfriend.

i can't run up and hug her because she's my ex. i have a loving relationship in front of me. what was i thinking?

kelly was nowhere to be found in the celebratory pit, i thought that maybe she was still too angry to face me at the moment. it stung a little bit, but she'll get over it. i'm sure.

the night moves on fast, and somehow i found myself still in the garage fixing a few things with the sim, most of the mechanics and staff were long gone. with kelly nowhere to be found. sometimes i felt bad, for still harboring feelings for an ex that left me four years ago.

my relationship with her felt so different with kelly's...

she was like fresh air you would breathe after exiting a club in the middle of the night, the smoke that clouded the air dissipating almost instantly after that fresh air hit your lungs. somehow, even four years later i still find her in little things i do everyday.

against my better judgement, i picked up my phone and i gave her a call.

"hello?"

i breathed out a sigh of relief when i realized she hadn't changed her phone number yet.

"it's me," were the words that left my lips, "you wanna come celebrate with me tonight?" i was picking on my jeans, i didn't want her to say no. i just wanted to spend a little time with her.

"what about your girlfriend? isn't she going to be even more upset with you—"

"can we not talk about her right now?" i closed my eyes and leaned back against the chair i was sitting on, hearing her voice again after a long time just... it felt right.

"max..."

"don't... just don't. i know what you're gonna say and i know it's wrong but i just... i can't do this today. i just won today and the first face i saw was yours, she didn't bother to show up. you can't tell me how to feel, y/n," i rubbed my temples, "meet me in the lobby of my hotel tonight. i just wanna see you."

"if i say okay, will this be a one-time thing?" y/n asked, i could hear the soft rustles of her moving things around, she was probably already in her hotel, resting from her tour when i had called.

"better yet, just drop the address of where you're staying. i'll come to you."

the first thing max did when he saw you was crash his lips into yours, you wanted to push him away, be the better person and tell him that he has a girlfriend but your arms couldn't do it.

your lips disconnected after awhile, he was breathing heavy, face flushed, hands all over you, "i've missed you."

you hum a response, you could barely get out a response when you feel his lips on yours again, this was wrong. all the alarms in your body were telling you to push him off, to yell at him, to reprimand him for basically cheating on his girlfriend.

but you didn't.

and maybe that made you a bad person, but at the moment you didn't care. you just wanted to feel him once more.

you woke up the next morning, cuddled up against max, both of you bare and indecent. he hadn't left yet, maybe he didn't want to leave.

the reality of last night crashed down onto you as you realized what you've done.

"max?"

"yes, schatje?"

the little nickname he gave you never went away. he used to call you that all the time but the feelings that came with it was no longer endearment but horror.

"you need to get back to your girlfriend, i don't think i can do this," you unwrap yourself from his grasps and sit up, back facing him, tears filling your eyes.

"woah, woah. schatje—"

"please, max. i feel like shit. you have a girlfriend and i just slept with you. last night was a mistake," you breathed out and hugged your knees close to your chest. you felt his hand on your back.

"y/n, what are you saying—" you cut him off before he could say anything else.

"i can't give you what you want max. we can't be together anymore. our story ended four years ago, please don't make this mistake. you're going to regret it," you quickly got up and away from his close proximity and got dressed.

you didn't know how to face him anymore.

"can we please talk about it at least? you can't lie and say that you don't feel the same way i do," max's voice came from behind you, you were pacing around the room, you were stressed. he was sitting there, shirtless with his pants on now.

"i do max! and that's the worst part because i knew you're in a relationship but i still let this happen. i am a horrible person. i love you and it's slowly ruining my life. i should've known better!" you turn around to face him, your face red, tears streaming down your face.

max could only sigh and raked a hand through his hair, "schatje..."

"we can't be together max, you know it. i can never give you what she gives you. she can be with you almost all the time max, you threw that all away for me? for someone who can't give you time of day?!" you sob into your hands.

you felt arms wrapping around you as you sob into his embrace.

MAX VERSTAPPEN BREAKS UP WITH GIRLFRIEND KELLY PIQUET ONLY AFTER A FEW MONTHS OF BEING TOGETHER.

you scroll past that headline as you got ready for your appearance to promote your new album, it came out two days ago and you were to debut the new songs on jimmy kimmel.

the tortured poets department.

you hadn't talked to max ever since that night, ever since he tenderly kissed your forehead and told you it was going to be okay and that he would figure it out. he had been blowing up your phone, asking to meet but you didn't have it in your heart to meet him after destroying his relationship like that.

that was two months ago.

you were due on stage in around an hour and that's where you would sing your heart out, leaving whatever pieces of your old self behind when you slept with max for the final time.

"i love you, it's ruining my life. i touched you for only a fortnight."

hello! thank u for reading this fic hehe, hope u guys enjoyed it. thank you again for 100 followers!!!!

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA for suggesting my girlfriend eats less?

(🫠 so i can find it later)

I know immediately it sounds insane but please I need advice. Also sorry it’s so long this is a sensitive topic and I want to treat it as such.

So my (24F) girlfriend (22F) has been trying to lose weight for about 9 months now. I let her offer up what info she wants but never ask because I don’t want to add pressure, and i’ve struggled with an ED and witnessed as my mom has struggled with her weight since I was born so I understand how hard it can be. But my girlfriend is as gorgeous as ever. And I know she’s been as active as possible so Idk why she’s so hard on herself.

My mom eats healthier than anyone I’ve ever known. When I was younger I watched her go through phases with taking on some weird diet that never really worked. She once told me she recognized her real problem is stopping when she’s “full” and not what she eats. She was insecure about that fact because she almost starved as a teenager. I tried to encourage her to accept her body if eating what she wants makes her happy. But she always says she isn’t happy when she’s not eating & only would be if she felt “sexy” again.

I’m starting to see a similar struggle in my love. She asked to go to the gym together, so I bought us a gym membership. We try to get there 3x a week for at least an hour each time. But she’s in her final semester before graduating so we stopped going as much about a month or two ago. She keeps talking about losing weight so her graduation dresses will fit better but I think they fit perfect. I zipped them myself. She never wears dresses or skirts, favoring baggy clothing and streetwear, so I think she’s just not used to the sensation of a form-fitting dress.

She joined a coed soccer team that would meet weekly for a month. I went to her games, she goes hard. She’s also started going for runs twice a week after work with a coworker. They did 3 miles one day! That’s still 3 days a week she’s been working out, plus the occasional day or two every other week we manage to get out to the gym.

She has taken to blaming me for us not going to the gym, not directly but will whine at me with a pointed tone, as if begging me to go to the gym after she told me we couldn’t go. I try to ignore it since I know she’s having a hard time and mostly venting. But if I agree and offer to drive us, she always has too much homework. Even if she’s been sitting on tiktok for an hour.

I do all the cooking for us. After she complained about not making progress I started serving us both smaller portions. Now she gets seconds after meals and will complain about being snackish or wanting a sweet treat less than 30 minutes after we’ve ate. If I stand firm on no treats (which is rare), she pouts. She refuses to get a treat without me, if I tell her she can go get one if she wants she won’t. If I give in, then later I feel guilty like I enabled her. And she’ll guilt trip me for it too. And then she’s unhappy about not losing any weight again and the cycle continues.

She’s got a broad build and a naturally curvy body. When she talks about being her ideal size/shape again, it’s always in photos of her at 14-17. I keep trying to instill in her that she can get muscular and fit but still might not look like that again because she was a child. She dismisses me every time and will compare her body to mine since we’re the same height, but I have different genetics and an overactive metabolism.

She’s active, healthy, muscular, and is maybe 30 lbs over the BMI for her height and age. I don’t believe in the BMI, just stating for reference reasons. Some of that “overweight” is definitely likely muscle since she said she gained weight after we first started going to the gym. She would not believe me when I said you gain muscle before you lose fat, even though she’s learned this in her major. In my eyes to have the kind of toning that she wants— and that athletes her shape have— she probably only needs to lose like 10-15 lbs. You can see the line of musculature on her thighs as she is. She eats way healthier than most college students because she’s a medical major and really cares about body health. I think a lot of her desire to lose weight comes from the athleticism of the PT’s she works with.

She continues to nitpick at her other behaviors (i.e. having a yasso icecream twice a week) that are far less “harmful” to her goals than overeating. But I fear it will cause a rift in our relationship if I try to suggest that to her.

I want to help her on her journey and the way she blames me makes me feel like I need to do more to help, but the only thing I can think to suggest is something I would never recommend on my own, let alone to my girlfriend who I think is beautiful as is. I don’t want her to think by me suggesting smaller portions that I have a problem with her perceived lack of progress. I only have a problem with being treated like it’s my fault she isn’t losing weight. When I tell her she looks amazing as she is she just tells me I’m biased because I love her.

I don’t feel it’s my place but Idk what else to do. So WIBTA if I told her that she should try to eat smaller portions rather than dieting since she’s already physically active and eats healthy?

[clarisse0o]

Camp Wiegman-Part 69

Lucy Bronze x Ona Batlle

Alternative Universe : Military School

Words: 5K

Masterlist

———————————————————————

Monday, March 14; 9:30 AM - Manchester

A small routine had developed over two weeks. School continued, where I was pushing myself hard with revisions. It had become difficult to fit my friends into my schedule, but I had to make a choice. I wanted to pass my exam at any cost. I received some reproaches from them, though. Only Alexia and Alessia stood up for me. Maybe even Leah and Lotte now, too. Thanks to Alessia, I was able to talk to Leah and resolve our issues. She understood my intentions for studying, and I think she wasn’t as upset anymore about my relationship with Lucy.

"I just found it strange at first and was worried for you. I get that you're being careful. Now, give me some time to get used to it," she had told me.

I thought that was sweet of her. It wasn’t for nothing that I liked her so much. As for Lotte, we also had a conversation. I apologized for not remembering her. She was surprised and told me she had wanted me to figure it out on my own. Still, she accepted my apology, saying we could maybe reconnect now. I agreed, though I still struggled with the idea. I don’t think knowing each other from before changes much about our relationship today.

Outside of my friends, I’m happy with my life right now. Things with Lucy are going great. We spent a quiet weekend with her friends, which I needed after the last one in Barcelona. I’m still waiting to hear back from the galleries. It’s nerve-wracking, but I haven’t lost hope. I continue sending letters with Beth’s help and Lucy’s encouragement. On the other hand, I still haven’t called my mom. We left without seeing her, as she was called to the hospital urgently. In a way, I was relieved. I avoided confrontation at least. Knowing her, she probably thinks I’m angry at her. I can’t blame her; she’s borne the brunt of my outbursts. Lucy advised me to contact her soon, but I haven’t had the courage yet. I still feel guilty about what happened. One positive thing is that I’ve long been prepared for the idea of marriage. My father drilled it into me, and I’ll go through with it, if only to honor his memory.

"Are you okay?" Lucy asks, pulling me out of my thoughts.

I jump slightly. We were in the car, on the way to my meeting at the gallery with Mr. Fields. I was glad Lucy was coming with me. At least we’d get to spend some time together outside of school.

"Yeah," I exhaled.

"Are you nervous?"

"A little… Not too much, honestly."

I had no idea what would come from this meeting. I had already resigned myself to not having high expectations. I didn’t want to be disappointed by the outcome.

"Actually, I wonder why I even accepted this meeting. I should have declined, and it would all be over."

"Don’t say that. We don’t know what’s in store. Maybe it’ll go well, and he’ll offer better solutions."

"Hmm..."

I love her optimism. I’m not as hopeful. Maybe she’s just trying to reassure me. We arrive at our destination. This time, it’s the real gallery in the center, not the workshop. Mr. Fields said he’d be here today. He insisted that Lucy accompany me, and I couldn’t be happier. We walk into the building, and I’m struck by its splendor. Everything is beautiful, modern, white, and sleek. There are so many paintings on display. Some are for sale, others aren’t, or at least that’s what I gather since some don’t have prices. I feel a bit lost. I see Mr. Fields nearby, but he doesn’t seem to have noticed us. He’s talking to no one in particular as he approaches a woman at the reception. She notices us and looks uncomfortable as he gives her cold instructions before walking back down the hall he came from.

"Great start," Lucy whispers.

I nod slightly, focusing on the paintings to keep myself busy. The receptionist has seen us, so I assume she’ll come over. My mind wanders a little. I wasn’t expecting a gallery like this. Could I work in a place like this? It’s so large. Honestly, it’s massive. I don’t even dare explore the whole place. I understand its reputation now. This isn’t my thing. I’m not sure I belong in an environment like this.

"Hello, can I help you with something?" the young woman approaches us.

She seems uncomfortable, and I get it. Her boss spoke to her like dirt right in front of us without even realizing it. She knows we saw everything. Seeing me frozen, Lucy steps in first.

"Hello. We have an appointment with Mr. Fields."

"Oh yes, he mentioned your arrival. I’m sorry, I can’t remember the name he gave me, though."

No surprise there… Lucy nudges me to snap me out of my daze. The woman looks at me, waiting for an answer.

"Batlle. Ona Batlle, that’s my name."

"Yes, that’s right. Thanks for reminding me. He’s on the phone, but I’ll let him know you’re here. Feel free to look around while you wait."

"Thank you."

"Excuse me," Lucy stops her. "Are you an apprentice here?"

The young woman turns bright red in front of my girlfriend. Okay, I’ll admit Lucy can be quite intimidating when she wants to be, especially with that serious look. Why is she asking about this? The woman stammers a sort of "yes" before hurrying away. I sigh and start fiddling with my fingers. I’m starting to feel stressed, and I don’t like it. I wait until she’s far enough before turning to Lucy.

"I’m not feeling good about this," I mumble. "And why did you ask that question?"

"Relax, I’m here. I just wanted to know. Do you still want this job?"

Lucy is completely calm. I can tell she’s up to something. I shrug.

"I... I don’t know. This environment isn’t really me," I admit hesitantly.

She smiles and runs her hand through my hair.

"I know, but we’re not leaving now that we’re here."

"Fields seems really busy."

"Hmm, you’re right. I hope he’ll give us the attention we deserve, or I’ll get mad quickly," she tells me. "He’s already late," she points out.

I laugh softly. If he’s late, he’s definitely not winning any points with Lucy. I hope she’ll be able to keep her cool. I’m glad she’s with me. Unlike me, she has enough character to speak up if necessary.

"Hey," she says, catching my attention. "Don’t feel so uncomfortable, okay? If Fields wanted to meet with you, it’s because he believes in your talent."

I blush, feeling easily seen through.

"Do you want to know what I think?" she continues.

I nod. I think I need to hear what she has to say to lift my spirits.

"I think your talent is even bigger than this empire, so don’t lose confidence because of this," she says, gesturing to the room around us.

"Are you sure...? Then why do I feel so uncomfortable?"

"Because it doesn’t reflect your personality, but that has nothing to do with your talent. What I’m trying to say is that not every gallery will be the right fit for you, but that doesn’t mean you should doubt yourself. Okay?"

I take a deep breath and nod. I knew I could always count on her to lift me up. I felt like a burden in the middle of all this.

"It’ll be fine," she reassures me with a gentle pat on my back. Maybe things don’t happen by chance after all...

"Ladies!" a deep voice calls out, startling me. "What a pleasure to finally have you here."

Mr. Fields walks out of the hallway he had disappeared into and comes toward us. It seems he really hadn’t noticed us before... I force a smile.

"How are you? Come on, let’s go to my office."

His initial question, just for formality, is quickly forgotten. He leads us to his office. It’s more spacious and better furnished than the one in the workshop. Everything is so different from my first meeting with him. There’s no doubt he must host more people here. It’s more contemporary and softer. The one in the workshop was clearly more personal and better decorated in my opinion.

"Please, have a seat," he said, motioning to the chairs in front of his desk before walking around to sit down.

Lucy let me take a seat first before joining me. Her presence gave me confidence. She made me feel safe.

"I'm happy to finally meet you, Miss Bronze. May I also speak to you informally?" 

A lump formed in my throat. During our first meeting, he had addressed me informally without asking. I hate people who seem to have more respect for some than for others. It feels like he's categorizing people to decide how to speak to them. He doesn't help me feel any better. It’s like he’s a completely different person, someone I’ve never met before.

"If you like. It’ll make the conversation easier."

He smiled, nodding.

"Oh, excuse me. I have a call," he said, touching his ear.

Until then, I hadn’t noticed, but he was wearing an earpiece. Now I understood why he seemed to be talking to himself earlier.

"Would you like a coffee before we start?"

"No, thank you."

"I'd love one," Lucy said at the same moment.

"Alright," he chuckled. "I'll go get that for you. Would you like anything else, Ona?"

"No, thank you, I'm fine."

"I’ll be right back."

I rubbed my hands together as he left. He took the call. I could hear his voice echoing in the hallway. What a jerk... He dared to take a call in the middle of our meeting. It’s so disrespectful. I jumped slightly when Lucy placed her hand on my thigh.

"Hey, are you okay? Is he making you uncomfortable?" she asked, frowning.

"No, I'm fine..."

"Ona. I can still tell when you're not alright, so don’t lie to me. I don’t like that."

"He seems different. But really, it’s okay. It’s the place that’s making me nervous."

This time I wasn’t lying. I know my reactions affect Lucy, and that’s the last thing I want right now. She nodded understandingly, taking my hand and kissing the back of it.

"Relax, okay? I’ll handle the talking."

"No, ple-"

"Shh. I hate seeing you like this. I’m just going to ask him a few questions. Let’s see if he gives me the answers I want."

"W-what do you mean by that?"

"I want to know if this place is right for you. We’ll see based on his responses," she said, shrugging.

"And if it’s not?"

"If it’s not, I’m not letting you work somewhere you won’t feel comfortable. You’ll just end up hating your job, and that’s not the point when you’re just starting a career."

I bit my lip, lowering my head. She quickly lifted it back up with her fingers, brushing them gently along my chin.

"I fully intend to put this guy in his place when he gets back."

"Y-you’re really going to do that?"

"I’d do anything for those beautiful eyes of yours."

"And what if we manage to negotiate a chance for me to work here?"

"Then it could stay an option, if you have nothing better," she sighed.

I smiled, realizing that the idea didn’t seem to thrill her. It was adorable how she was acting.

"Baby, if this interview doesn’t lead anywhere, don’t see it as a failure, okay? I’m sure there’ll be other galleries that will appreciate you a lot more."

"You think he’s going to conduct the whole interview over the phone?"

"He better not if he doesn’t want to face my wrath. That’s exactly why I’m planning to set him straight."

I smiled despite myself. That was exactly what she was aiming for, given the grin she flashed back at me. Footsteps echoed in the hallway, giving us time to adjust ourselves before he ended his call and opened the door. As he re-entered, he smiled and made his way around the desk. I already missed Lucy’s touch, but I knew that here, she had to play the role of my manager, not my girlfriend, unfortunately.

"Here you go," he said, placing a cup in front of Lucy. "Careful, it’s hot."

"Thank you."

"Do you take sugar?"

"No, no, it's fine like this," she replied as he placed a glass in front of me.

"I thought I'd bring you a glass of water, just in case," he said with a small smile.

He’s so fake. I hate it. But I thanked him anyway. He finally sat down in front of us. Our meeting should have started half an hour ago, and I had to admit it was getting tiring that he kept doing his own thing without acknowledging us.

"Alright then. Let’s not waste any more time. I apologize, but I’m very busy today, with many appointments and important calls."

"We noticed," Lucy remarked pointedly. "I hope we won’t be interrupted again."

He didn’t respond to the comment, but his expression showed he didn’t like it. He seemed uncomfortable. He tugged at the sleeves of his suit and clasped his hands on the desk, sitting up as straight as possible.

"Certainly, we’ll make sure that doesn’t happen again," he muttered. "Well, then. The reason we’re here is that I’ve offered Ona a position as an apprentice at my gallery next year."

"A position in Cardiff," Lucy corrected.

I stifled a smile. For some reason, it seemed like she was irritated. She wasn’t holding back at all. I recognized her now, acting like she did in the beginning, with that heartless demeanor. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see that Fields was a bit thrown off.

"Yes, that’s right," he responded as calmly as possible.

"And why is that?" she pressed on.

Her tone had shifted completely. She was clearly challenging him.

"I must admit that I was a bit surprised by your decision. You have an enormous gallery at your disposal, and yet you can’t find a spot for her here? Ona has already made a long journey to Manchester, she’s settled in, stable, and now you want to send her elsewhere."

Fields was momentarily at a loss for words, as was I. She had asked me to trust her, and now I was starting to understand why. She was protecting me while trying to find common ground. I shouldn’t be surprised. She would always fight for what’s best for me. Fields, who had been eager to meet her earlier, must have been regretting it by now.

"Well… I must admit that Ona’s application came in rather late," he replied without faltering. "I’ve already promised two apprenticeships to other students for this gallery. It’s difficult to take on a third, knowing that I already have two students moving into their second year. That’s why I suggested Cardiff. It’s the closest gallery I own in the area. I’ve already coordinated with the school, should you be interested."

He pushed some documents toward us. He had prepared everything. There was an enrollment form for Cardiff’s school right in front of us, pre-filled with the company’s details. Lucy had been right. He had no intention of leaving room for negotiation. The student’s section was still blank, and something told me that if it weren’t me, he’d have no qualms about finding someone else.

"I understand this is a tough decision, but you have to understand that I receive a lot of applications. Ona is incredibly talented, which is why I made this offer, but she isn’t the only one. I hadn’t even planned on taking an apprentice at Cardiff since it’s just opened. This is a significant opportunity I’m offering."

I looked at Lucy after hearing this. He knew how to respond too. She remained focused on Fields. It was a real battle between them. One thing was certain: he wasn’t willing to accept any other alternatives.

"And from what you’ve said, Ona seems to be doing quite well. I didn’t think a change of city would be an issue."

"It is an issue. She’s found stability here with new friends and even a relationship. You don’t realize it, but you’re asking her to leave everything behind."

Fields absorbed Lucy’s words with understanding. Maybe he wasn’t exactly the person I had described earlier...

"I see. You are in a unique situation, but I’m not sure I can offer anything better. I’ll have to take a look before giving you my final answer."

"Alright..." Lucy murmured, sounding as surprised as I was by his retreat. "May I ask what her tasks will be?"

"Of course. I’ve already discussed this with Mr. Davis, the head of my new agency. There will be no shortage of work. He wasn’t convinced about taking someone on, but I managed to persuade him."

"I’ve noticed the young woman at the reception is an apprentice. Will Ona be doing similar tasks?"

"Yes, of course. She’ll have the opportunity to vary her responsibilities. Reception work will be part of it. »

- She won't just be doing that, right?

- No, he replies with a small laugh.

He had realized by now that she was defending me. I saw him bring his hand to his ear. He had another call, I was sure of it. I wasn’t the only one who noticed.

- I hope you're not going to take that call, my girlfriend warned him.

- Excuse me, we have an exhibition opening this weekend, so there’s a bit of stress, she laughs. I'll call back later, he adds, taking off his earpiece.

- Hmm... Can you elaborate now?

- Well, yes, the tasks then. Ona will have the opportunity to work in the studio, of course. She’ll be able to practice and learn with the other apprentices, and then, who knows, maybe even exhibit her work. It’s rare that we sell them since they’re not professional, but exhibiting is still an opportunity to be noticed by potential clients.

- OK... But I sense there’s a “but.”

- Indeed. There will be alternation between the apprentices. Sometimes they’ll be here in the gallery, interacting with buyers and handling tasks we assign them. It might not be the best part of the job, but I believe it’s a good experience for them.

- We saw you shouting at one of them earlier. At least, you didn’t seem very approachable and didn’t even notice us.

He takes a deep breath. Lucy is perfect. She doesn’t attack him, but she knows how to unsettle him in other ways.

- True. We sometimes get stressed and lose our composure. Of course, that won’t fall on you, but it might happen from time to time, he tells me.

- All right. Will she be invited to exhibition openings?

- Yes, yes, of course. She might even organize one. Well, not at the beginning, but that will be part of the learning process—learning the organization and maybe even assisting if she stands out among the other apprentices. It’s a kind of reward for us.

I nod. The job description is more than interesting... I’d be crazy to say no...

- So, you guarantee she’ll have the opportunity to improve her art through all this?

- Normally, yes. We do allow them some time, but let’s not have illusions. It will be a small part of your work here. You’ll be able to practice the most at school.

School. I had almost forgotten that detail. It’s true that that’s where I’ll get the most help to improve. Still, I hope to have some opportunities for professional advice here. I have my doubts about that. This guy gives me the impression he's selling us a dream, but in the end, we’ll just be there to keep his business running. That’s definitely not what I’m looking for. If I want to do this job, it’s out of passion, not for anything else.

- How big is this gallery? Lucy asks.

- It’s the largest one here. The studio was recently relocated to expand the gallery. As for the one in Cardiff, it's just slightly smaller than this one. However, we managed to keep the studio in the same place, which is obviously better.

- Are you planning to expand your circle even more?

- Definitely, yes. If the Cardiff location does well, there’s a good chance new branches will open in the south, he replies proudly.

- You manage everything by yourself?

- Yes. I don’t like delegating.

- So, the training won’t be from you.

- No, indeed. My agency managers usually handle that part, especially for the studio. However, that doesn’t stop me from overseeing my apprentices, I assure you. I keep an eye on everything.

They all say that... The one reassuring thing is that I won’t have to deal with him often in that case.

- OK, Lucy murmurs. I think I have my answers.

- Do you need more time to make your decision?

- Actually, yes. We’ll accept the offer if you can work something out regarding the location.

He raises an eyebrow at her request.

- I’ve been following Ona since her first day at school, and I can guarantee you that a change of environment won’t do her any good. She’s built a life here, so for her well-being, if we can negotiate that point, I think it would be perfect.

He sighs softly, running his hand through his hair. This doesn’t seem to suit him. He expected us to accept after he sold us on the position.

- Very well, I’ll get back to you in that case, but I can’t promise anything.

- No problem. The important thing is that you’ll have done your best to solve the issue.

- Do you have any other questions?

- No, I think that’s all.

- Good, then we can conclude here.

- Yes. We won’t take up any more of your time. Have a good day, she says, offering him her hand.

- I’ll walk you out anyway, he says, standing up.

I didn’t open my mouth once during this interview. In a way, that suits me just fine. He walks us to the entrance, where we shake hands.

- Thank you for your hospitality, Lucy says.

- It was a pleasure. We’ll be in touch in a few days.

One last goodbye, and we’re outside. I’m happy to take a deep breath of fresh air. I was starting to feel suffocated.

- Well, that’s that... Lucy murmurs. Do you want a hot chocolate? My treat. We can talk about the interview while we’re at it.

- If you’re being so kind, I can’t say no, I say, making her laugh.

I wasn’t going to tell her, but if I could skip a few hours of school, I was happy. It was clear I’d rather spend time with my friend.

Monday, March 14, 12:00 p.m. - Cafeteria.

Our little outing ended at a small café downtown, where Lucy had a coffee and I had a hot chocolate. I realized that Lucy hadn’t even touched the hot drink she’d ordered during the interview. We had a long discussion about it. Mr. Fields' answers were satisfactory, though Lucy still thinks he’s taking advantage of me. She believes he wants to make me work like low-paid employees. Yet, he’d sold the position to me pretty well. Maybe a little too well... She might be right. She explained that she’d already fallen victim to one of those companies before and doesn’t want the same thing to happen to me. I agreed. It was, after all, my only response. It would be foolish not to wait for the other offers now. So, we agreed to wait before giving an answer. Lucy plans to ask Beth for her opinion and to put some pressure on her to use her connections. I don’t like doing that, but at this point, I had no choice. Mr. Fields was right when he said I applied late... I might not get many positive responses, and that thought is starting to scare me. We went back to school afterward. We arrived at 11:30. Lucy didn’t push me to return to class. She wanted me to have lunch with her, but I declined the invitation. Meals are the only time I’m sure to be with my friends, so if I took that away from them, it wouldn’t go over well. She understood and let me spend my half-hour working in her office. I managed to finish my homework and I think I’ll skip my revisions tonight. It’s good to take breaks sometimes.

- Oh, you’re already back?

- Hey, I greet Alexia, whom I was waiting for at the cafeteria. Yeah. We got back half an hour ago.

- Cool! So, how did it go?

- Meh... I’ll explain later, I say as I see our friends approaching.

- OK... she says with a small pout.

- I’ll be around tonight, so we can talk then, I reassure her.

- Really? she says, surprised.

- Yeah. My homework’s done. Plus, Bronze thinks I’m working too much. She says I look tired. She wants me to take it easy.

She’s not wrong... We’ve barely seen you these past two weeks.

I shrug. Losing myself in my revisions allows me to forget everything else, in a way. It’s an escape like any other. Knowing Lucy, she must have realized it’s becoming an obsession.

- You’re not going to start, right? I replied with amusement.

- Oh no, she said, raising her hands in surrender. I said it, but I’m not saying anything.

- Of course, I chuckled. Anyway, I just wanted to say I’ll be there tonight.

- Really? Alessia, who I noticed was on my other side, asked. And what about your interview? It was super long, wasn’t it? You’ve got a morning to catch up on now. But be happy, you missed a surprise test from Johnson. He was upset because no one informed him about your absence after you left during second period. I think he wanted you to take the test.

I groaned in frustration. Johnson was the least of my worries right now. I hadn’t thought about the catch-up work. Skipping three hours of class had been nice until then.

- Damn, I cursed. Do I have a lot to catch up on?

- No, don’t worry. We got a lot of handouts, so I took them for you. I even got ahead a bit for you while I was at it. That way, you won’t try to dodge us tonight.

She nudged me with her shoulder, laughing. I smiled, picking up my tray to follow Ale to our table.

- That thought hadn’t even crossed my mind, you know, I joked. Thanks anyway, that’s really kind of you, I said. Do you think I’ll have to make up the test? What was it on, by the way?

- I don’t think so. It was on the last lesson. He felt like a lot of people were distracted recently, so he wanted to put everyone back in line. It was on those charts. You know what I mean, right? I think you understood it.

- Yes, yes.

- Well, look at you, becoming a pro, Ale teased.

- I wish, I sighed. I’m still far from it, unfortunately.

- Don’t say that. You’re doing really well.

- It’s only thanks to my revisions and Bronze’s help, otherwise, I’d be drowning.

It feels strange to say my girlfriend’s name. It’s like I have to think twice before speaking. Even though a lot of people already know, I wouldn’t want everyone at the table to find out. That would be quite dramatic, almost scandalous.

- Oh right, Alessia continues. We also got the date for the field trip after you left. Bronze didn’t tell you?

- Uh, no, I frowned. When is it?

- Next Thursday. The questionnaire he gave us is due by Monday at the latest.

I let out a heavy sigh. What a great time to hand out a questionnaire like that. We’re already so overwhelmed. We’ve got six weeks left, which means three before the next break. We received our exam schedule and convocations last week. Our exams will take place at the end of May. That’s why I’m putting so much pressure on myself. The serious stuff is finally happening. We’re in the final stretch, and it’s terrifying. If I fail, all my efforts will have been for nothing.

- Great, I muttered.

- Oh, come on, it’s not that bad. I took a look at it, and it’s mostly general questions about the company. There are also two or three management questions. Anderson said those would be the points discussed during the trip, so it’s important to fill it out properly.

I nodded, my mind elsewhere. Come on, just a few more weeks to get through... There’s so much pressure. Not to mention the anxiety about my future. What a mess! I really hope I can hold on until then because I’m slowly starting to feel overwhelmed. If there’s one thing I’ve gotten used to this year, it’s the stability Lucy has brought into my life, and I’m determined to do whatever it takes to keep it.

[old-school-butch]

Hello again <3

I sent you an anon that you replied to on April 1st, which was me asking how ex-TIFs are received back into womanhood. Your reply gave me a little foothold which ended up very comforting as I started coming out rapid-fire to all my friends as detrans. this is primarily a message for other people in my situation, who are afraid and might want a template of what you might expect will happen once you do come out with it.

Predictably, most of my friends dropped me; I've 3 friends left. Two of which continue to support trans people but can accept that i have different opinions (as long as i'm "not mean") and one of which has seen the gender critical arguments, accepted them, and agrees. So, heavy losses, but not total losses. My two siblings seemed to sigh in relief and reveal that they never believed in genderism at all, which is odd, because in my 10 years of being trans not one of them challenged me on it. my mom fell into heavy guilt over "letting me" do all this, although i was 18 when i took testo and 19 when i got surgery, so she really could not have stopped me, legally. i suppose she mainly grieves knowing that had she had the right arguments she could have saved her kid this, but i've told her she is not to blame and i hope she recognizes that.

i haven't received any real harassment, not from anyone that i PERSONALLY know, though my family has received... harassment targeted at me? my sister had a classmate begin sending her copious pro-trans propaganda (contrapoints videos) which she instructed should be sent onward to me (sis did not comply). hilarious how my 10 years of direct experience is suddenly null and void and i'm assumed to know nothing about transness.... 6 months ago i was helping people sensitivity-write trans characters. now, i'm told i can't speak for the trans experience at all, and that i do not know what it's like to be a transmasc person. told that i need to listen to the arguments more carefully, that i don't LISTEN, when i literally lived this for 10 whole years. girl, on god? they tell me i don't get it and need to educate myself. and have empathy of course.

but in general, detransing, i've discovered that there are PLENTY of people who do not actually believe in genderism but who will play along simply out of fear or social pressure. my friends aside, who i knew through "queer" circles, everyone in my family (expect my mom) has revealed they never actually believed in it. i think this might contribute to why trans people bully dissenters so badly. they know this is the truth, that no one really buys it. i think, subconsciously, i have known that too. i never downloaded grindr, i never went into the men's bathrooms. i knew that despite testo and surgery and pronouns i could never challenge men as an equal in their eyes.

interestingly, making new friends is not that hard. I lead with the fact i'm detrans and "don't believe in all that shit" and people are VERY eager to be able to, suddenly, voice their real opinions without being called transphobic. they begin with probing questions, uncontroversial statements like "i agree they shouldn't put males in women's sports..." but if you continue to agree and not punish this daring on their part, they will reveal, with much relief and enthusiasm, what they really think. most people, normal people, really do not believe it all? i'm a brash person and can take irl confrontations quite well, hence i feel safe putting myself up as a transphobe off the bat. and people are very into this. so. the old ass saying, just be yourself.... normal people will not volunteer anti-genderist opinions on their own but when i continue to state thing after thing they open up and agree and eventually feel safe enough to admit their own thoughts. making friends, especially with non-gendie women, hasn't been that hard.

i'm going to write another message about same-sex attraction in the genderverse, but it's also a can of worms so i will make it separate from this one. again, thank you so much, for having anon on and listening, and letting us listen to each other without fear. i would hug you. to be continued

Thanks for the follow up!

My only comment is that I think most people play along out of kindness, it's not all bullying and fear, but that does impose a silence on everyone so everyone feels quite alone with their doubts.

[confess-ledzeppelin]

I know I'm probably crossing into controversial territory here, but I'm so sick of logging onto Tumblr just to find people talking shit about Jimmy and wishing the most horrible things imaginable over a single fucking thing. He's not a creep, he's not a pedophile, he's not a Satanist, he's not an asshole, and he doesn't deserve even a fraction of the hate he gets. I see it all the time and it's sickening what people wish on him.

I might as well address the elephant in the room first. Lori's story is pretty hard to find information for since she couldn't tell the truth to save her life (I frankly can't stand her because of that), but I did manage to find the actual facts:

First of all, it was never a "passionate long-lasting love affair", it was actually only a few months (they never hooked up again after that, even in the 80s) and they weren't "madly in love" or whatever. I'm frankly not sure which of them technically initiated the relationship (although it's something to take into account that Jimmy is much more reserved than most musicians (like, say, Jagger), and Lori was a groupie for a reason), but it wasn't the way Lori described it at all. She wasn't kidnapped by anyone, and the version about Jimmy waiting in his hotel room with a cane and no clothes on is the most ridiculous rubbish I've ever heard. This isn't fucking West Side Story. They did meet at a show, though. He recognized her as a model since she was at least decently popular, but it's not like he was just waiting on the edge of his seat for a chance with her.

Secondly, this girl was absolutely not groomed. While there are certainly some tragic stories about grooming and pedophilia in the music industry (or just the entertainment industry as a whole, really), Lori is NOT a part of it. Most of these girls, including her, knew what they were doing but didn't care. After all, why would they? It was (for the most part) socially acceptable at the time, even if it wasn't legal. There are lots of women out there who will admit to sleeping with older men while they were 12-17, I've heard it myself. Does that make it right? No, but it's not like she was pushed against a wall or coerced in any way, shape or form. Despite how her stories change every time she tells them, she has said she looks back on her time with Jimmy fondly (Jimmy was very good to all of his lovers, but whether they were good to him is a different story that I'll get to later). Does he? Not really, no. He hardly talks about it and I can't blame him. But if he could go back, it's something that wouldn't have been repeated. He is a human being who made a mistake that just like every single one of us has, yet for some reason he apparently deserves to go to hell for it. It makes no sense to me. One mistake shouldn't define who he is as a person. And by the way, the "Jimmy Page if minors" memes aren't funny and you know it. Stop.

Anyway, as for what I said about past lovers, it's honestly tragic. First it was Jackie DeShannon, the same girl that kept him physically retrained in a hotel room against his will and assaulted him at least once, all while insisting that she loved him. And he believed it. One of her two songs about him, "Don't Turn Your Back On Me", basically gives the message of "we are going to last last forever. And if we don't, yes we will. Fake it 'til you make it, or else." It creeps me out. Next it was Charlotte, the same woman who allegedly cheated on him several times (even though he was faithful to her just like every other woman he was with), started heated arguments with him constantly (one time during a fight she even slapped him hard in the face while wearing several rings, which likely drew blood), and always retained a very "well he's okay, I guess" view on him even when they were having a baby. Jimmy, on the other hand, adored her and tried to give her the best. He even once said something along the lines of, "as long as I have Charlotte, I'll be okay" when he felt threatened. Basically, he would've crossed an ocean for her while she wouldn't have crossed a puddle for him. Their entire story actually reminds me a lot of Since I've Been Loving You, and he deserved so much better. Maybe there were even more incidents like these that never made it to the public, even though I don't think they're very well-known. Naturally there was also Lori, who was - to put it lightly - way more trouble than she was worth, and just her existence unfairly taints his reputation. There were also a few times when screaming girls mobbed the stage and started taking his clothes off, although I suppose they don't count for this bit.

But imagine if that shit was reversed. He would be crucified. And the best part? People actually turn it around to make it sound like it was him doing all of that. Absolutely rich. I really think people hate him just for the sake of it.

Another thing is his interest in the occult and how he's typically assumed to be a Satanist, because he gets plenty of hate for that, too. I'll put it this way: if I were to be super interested in, say, sharks, does that make me a marine biologist? Even if I study sharks for hours and visit the aquarium every week, even if I buy a whole bookstore about them, does that make me one? No, of course not. I don't see a difference. I know many occultists practice witchcraft and worship Satan and a bunch of really creepy things, but he's not one of them.

People also dislike him just for being a general asshole, and that's just as wrong. He's a sweetheart, a gentleman, and he's actually pretty funny, too. This is the same guy who rushed to help Robert up back when he was on crutches and fell in a studio. Robert said he'd never seen him move so fast. He's been there for Robert through a lot, and I think it should be said that the only reason he wasn't present at Karac's funeral was because he was physically unable. 1977 was obviously one of the worst - if not THE worst - year for him as far as his health; I think we all know that. He had even lost so much weight that his clothes from school were huge on him. But when the media came after him for answers on why he wasn't there, he accidentally made himself look pretty callous (as far as Jones goes on the situation, my guess is that he just already had vacation plans or figured it wasn't his problem anyway).

Also worth mentioning, Jimmy has done TONS of work for charity. He joined and played a part in Task Brazil, the ABC Trust, the Ahmet Ertegun Education Fund, Childline, Mount Sinai Hospital, MusiCares, the AIDS Memorial Campaign and Racehorse Sanctuary (I believe these are also supported by Robert, naturally).

This is also the same dorky guy who was found in a literal pillowcase by a roadie who was sent to wake him up. The same guy who sneezed while recording the Stairway to Heaven solo and grew frustrated with himself and started apologizing while the rest of the band couldn't stop laughing their asses off. The guy who knows not to take himself obnoxiously seriously and can laugh at himself, and has a great sense of humor. He's shy and reserved, but he's always been kind enough to notice when other people have needed help. He's always been a very polite "yes sir and no ma'am" kind of guy who says gosh instead of swearing and has a very soft voice. He's also the ultimate mama's boy, and still is even with her gone.

Sometimes he even says the most beautifully poetic things ever. "I'm just looking for an angel with a broken wing." "I remember when I was young I used to run along railway bridges with 250 foot drops... just dancing..." I mean, come on.

I'm not sure what about this guy is worth hating.

Anyway, that's my soapbox. Thanks.

Also can't fit this onto a picture, so just sharing as is. Thanks, anon!

[shawshankshadow]

i ramble about sxsg and disability metaphors and talk a little bit about love 👇🏼

first of all i’m high. so if this is incomprehensible hot garbage you know why. im fighting for my life trying to string words together

ithink a lot of what’s at the core of shadow gen is the theme of “accepting it in all its bittersweetness”. like - shadow going from hating himself for his alien dna to shadow learning how to be okay with it, acknowledging it while refusing to let it take away his autonomy and personhood. shadow going from blaming himself for maria’s death, wishing with all his heart that he could go back and “fix his mistake”, to respecting maria’s request to leave the timeline unaltered, transforming her death from being a result of his “failure” to being a result of him respecting her autonomy, even though it killed him to do it. being able to accept that her death was something he needed to allow “to exist” - both in the timeline and in his own internal reality - without pretending like he wasn’t shattered over it feeling like he was bad for not having prevented it. like “yeah this is kind of hard but i gotta let myself grieve and still live my life without forever chasing the impossible. life is still worth living, and i still deserve to live and be happy.”

and it makes me think of maria and her nids diagnosis, and how the brevity of her lifespan wasn’t a markdown on the value her life - she obviously still deserved love and life and joy and friendship, and she (shadow) wasn’t a “thing” to be socially othered because of these involuntary realities (maria’s genetic condition, shadow’s “disgusting” alien heritage).

with the black arms dna, we get a story about shadow accepting his body and heritage for what it is and finally letting go of the anger and self-hatred over the fact that this is his genetic makeup.

with his acceptance of her death - he goes from hating himself for not saving her, to consciously letting void!maria return to the timestream despite knowing she was going to dje, after which point he “returns to reality” (WHEW!!)

if you want to, you can parallel maria with shadow, and her nids to both his black arms dna and her death. following the parallels through, we could conceivably get a (extremely faint, not really even implied) disability acceptance story arc for maria, where she starts out seeing her diagnosis as this horrible curse, this disgusting thing that must be cured, that’s taking away her bodily autonomy - to accepting it and allowing herself to fight for happiness and acknowledge that she has worth and value despite everybody around her telling her she’s a walking tragedy. like, allowing herself to exist as something more than just a “person who needs to be saved” - (maybe, allowing herself to think that SHE can the one doing the saving? HMMMMMM?). we could get a maria who lets herself disengage from the constant daydreaming of “life will be great - but only once im cured!” to “life can be great now. i deserve to have a great life, and my disability isn’t mutually exclusive with that.” we could get a maria that accepts that she has nids (shadow accepting the reality of her death) (his alien dna) while allowing herself to grieve the nondisabled life she thought she was going to have (shadow grieving her, always) and allowing that grief to co-occur alongside her worth as a person, her deservedness of being alive and celebrated as she is (his genes don’t change that he deserves to be alive and happy and free of shame) (her death wasn’t his fault, and the ending of her life doesn’t mean he needs to stop living his) to her accepting that she had this disability and it doesn’t make her monstrous or less worthy of life, it doesn’t make her “wrong” (there isn’t a “right” way to exist, his dna doesn’t make him a monster) (grieving her and living a happy life aren’t antithetical to each other, he’s still allowed to proceed with life without pretending like he’s over it)

there’s a long history of disability being used as grounds to devalue, ostracize, pathologize, and infringe upon the autonomy of disabled bodyminds. disabilities are shunned as “pitiful”, or “unfortunate”, or “bad”. sometimes the presence of disabilities is seen as indicative of a person’s wickedness, as if the presence of disability is somehow a clue into the inherent goodness or badness of a person’s soul. disability is seen as antithetical to happiness, and disabled bodyminds are told that the only way to “properly” exist as a disabled person is to be miserable and full of self-loathing. certain disabilities have historically been described with words like “monster” and “freak” - an abomination that never should have been. like, it seems cartoonishly hyperbolic ableism, but this is legit the history of the rhetoric surrounding disability discourse, at least in the western cultural world. disability has historically been talked about like it somehow makes you less of a person. it’s why the disability pride community exists- it’s a deep, powerfully rich collection of bodyminds that routinely organize to fight this very thing. it’s a long tradition of people saying “yeah my life is one of disability - and also my life has value. i deserve love, despite what this ableist world thinks. i deserve all of me to be celebrated, including my disability, because it’s an important part of my life”

and. idk. i think about maria and her nids. and a potential story where she goes, if it weren’t for my diagnosis, i would have never met shadow, gotten to have this friendship, gotten to have this experience. a lot of this sucks, but i wouldn’t change it. i’d keep it as is, tough parts included. i can let go of the anger, of railing against this being my reality - im allowed to have friends and be loved and be happy. i dont have to crystallize my existence around mourning. it doesn’t make me bad or a monster or pathetic. it just is.

like, i wonder if she, as a little 12 year old girl growing up in the 1950s, as a “sick child” isolated on a space station miles away from everyone she loved, ever raged against her diagnosis. ever struggled with it. i wonder if maria, also, had to reckon with her bodily reality, and fought to accept its hard parts without pretending that there weren’t some beautiful and wonderful parts because of it. like if she had to learn how to love herself without viewing her disability as inherently bad.

i wonder if shadow ever realized that his rage was just grief, and his grief was just love, and to let go of his rage, was to acknowledge his grief and return to the terrifying wonder of letting himself love, instead of closing himself off and shutting everyone out. i wonder if shadow lets himself have - if he acknowledges that he wants and loves - his friends, instead of denying it up and down and sourly rejecting any threat of connection.

[commanderchr1st]

Why I left tumblr suddenly in 2017 at the apex of my blog commanderchrist.

I'm sorry to "break character," but I gotta say some shit as Joe that's been bothering me for years. It is corny, it is personal, it is emotional, but I've recently been facing a lot of personal turmoil, and I gotta say some shit.

I'm not calling anyone out, not trying to start drama, but for quite some time I've had some baggage that has caused me a great deal of mental damage, tbh. More below.

Hey all, 7-8 year old drama here. I've told my friends this story, and I've also kind of hinted at it, but I've never really gave an official response why I left tumblr in April of 2017. It's a really long story, and it's been connecting to a process of grieving multiple friendships, two relationships. I've never really wanted to talk about it too terribly much on an account that is so closely associated with what happened, I mainly spent time venting on private tumblrs, going to see doctors, therapists, psychiatrists, etc. For a half of a decade, I was extremely upset, and honestly, it kinda came back in 2022.

First off, fartdick-supreme was a blog I made a few days after I left commanderchrist. I was obsessed to see a particular user disparage me, make false claims, and I was very, very angry on that blog. So, if you do snoop a little, just know that's a hella mentally ill college kid writhing in pain, not a coherent blog at all tbh.

The above picture was sent to me on discord in November of 2016 before they started telling one of my friends I called them fat (and they knew that person had self image issues and most importantly I didn't), racist, treating Tumblr like a meat shop, telling somebody I had a crush on that I was exploiting them because of their pill addiction (just an insane thing to say tbh), conspiring with an ex that cheated on me to write a callout post about all of this and more lol. I deleted in 2017 because I was unmedicated, going through a pretty severe breakup, was taking more than a full-time load at school, and this former friend was doing shit like this almost every day of the week. I refused to talk about this until I've had a LOT of time to heal because tbh somebody who I considered a close friend doing this kinda shook my mental health. I deleted, but I never left. I really don't want to leave their URL or talk specifically about anyone who was impacted on tumblr, but this has also affected a lot of individuals I used to be friends with. And for a lot of that, I was the scapegoat. I accepted this blame. Even though I didn't do like...any of it. At the most, I was a mentally ill alcoholic who had a really hard time navigating friendships. A good deal of friends also had their own individual hardships, especially this individual who had spread these accusations to myself and my friends.

I think it's important to say that all of this started because I was talking shit behind the friends back. I said they were a sore loser, I said they were impossible to talk to, I said they were bossy when it came to playing games, I said they needed to work on their anger issues. And I denied it to them, which I should not have. I should have told my friend all the problems that I was having with them. I failed to do that, because they were a very defensive person. My friends tried too, but they did not have any luck. So, it manifested as anger, and I did talk shit about them to those friends. Word got back to them, and this is how it all started. I'm not going to point any fingers because MOST of those friends, I am still on good terms with, but there were definitely a few that also seemed to share similar frustrations in a public setting.

Maybe it's because I'm mentally ill, but I refused to confront this. I deleted. I left. I went on medication, I finished my degree. But I did not ever once publicly defend myself.

Fast forward to now, and in 2022 I was faced with a very similar situation. I had broken up with my partner of four years. I REALLY don't want to get into the details of that relationship because it was incredibly toxic. I did a couple things I was not proud of as a response, especially when it came to involving my family in our relationship. Both my ex and my mother tried to drive a wedge between me and the other person, and it was maddening. It was a horrible way to live. Especially since every interaction I had with my mother was her trying to pry me from that relationship. At the time, I thought she was being manipulative and shitty, but everything changed in December of 2021 when my ex went to go visit family and I was left alone after moving several times, being evicted twice during covid, making some dumb mistakes financially, and it all dawned on me.

I was being abused. My ex from 2017 had BPD, which is fine, but my ex from 2022 also had this condition. And I was able to see a parallel: I REALLY don't want to go in detail about my relationships tbh and was one of the reasons I didn't want to bring it up, but in both relationships I was put into some fucked situations. In both, any time I had issues with something it was like pulling teeth... 0-10 on the intensity meter. I would bring things up and immediately be disparaged, yelled at, etc. In one of those relationships, they were drunk daily and would call me up and yell at me. They were also sleeping in the same bed as their ex boyfriend for months and not telling me (it was long distance). They also had some sexual exchanges with a pretty well-known tumblr user. The other, long story short, sexually abused me a lot. Put me in a situation of fatherhood when I explicitly mentioned I did not want to be a part of it. They said it was okay. And it was all okay, until all the sudden our bank account was shared and I had moved to a different state. They trapped me financially, and cornered me into fatherhood. The rest of the abuse got a bit more intense when I was left isolated without family in the state I was living in. This shit is hella hard to talk about, but those two are linked. In December of 2021, I realized everything. I was terrified, depressed, isolated, and ruminating. I broke up with my most recent ex in 2022 because...well its complicated but I misinterpreted this grief as me being gay. I thought I was purely attracted to men, and vagina repulsed. It took me longer than this to realize no, I was repulsed by my ex because of sexual abuse. Anyways, when I broke up with them, they threw shit all over the place, some at me. They screamed at me and told me that I was a waste of four years. And they immediately told me I could not be a father anymore and could not see the child. When just month prior I was given a deadline on providing a child for them.

What did this all have to do with 2017?

I've lived long enough to see me make some pretty big mistakes twice in a row. It's not the relationships I regret, despite the abuse. It's the lesson that I failed to learn myself. I need to stand up for myself more, and not accept blame when I did not do anything. I've been diagnosed with (at the very least) minor Obsessive Compulsive Disorder recently, I've had some mental issues in the past. But we are exploring that this may have been derived from PTSD. I think these two scenarios have been a part of it. I've let this get under my skin. In 2022, I lost a couple friendships because I did not explain ANYTHING to them, and my ex spoke to them a day or two after our breakup when I was still grieving, processing, trying to figure all this shit out. I'm ready now. I am a mentally ill person who suffered abuse from other mentally ill people. I have made the mistake of allowing THREE people who have mistreated me and left me with lasting trauma rule my life. They made me run, I've allowed myself to become all the things these abusive people have wanted me to be because I did not stand up for myself, I did not deny anything.... I ran like a coward. I'm sorry for doing that.

To the select people who have heard these rumors from these people in my life, I don't blame you for believing them. As a matter in fact, I'm sorry that I did not explain everything to you.

It will not happen again. And if we have had conversations in the past, or you have considered me a friend. A friend. Not a funnyman, not a "derailer," not anything on this site. If you have talked to me, if you know me as Joe, not Jog. Feel free to DM me.

I've stopped with the anon messages, because tbh I don't want to deal with them. I've had this individual and a couple other send me them throughout the years. If they have anything to say, I'd appreciate them striking a conversation with me via here, discord, whatever. And the same with you if you're curious. Just come to me, ask. I won't yell at you. I won't say anything I won't want to say, either, so if you ask and we were never close or didn't have a friendship in the past, I may not be inclined to share more receipts that I have from this time frame. But I'm an open book.

If you've read this far and you've thought some of my posts are funny, videos, whatever. I just wanna say thank you for sticking with me and appreciating it. And thank you for hearing something out that you may have not had a general interest in. Again, this is not a callout post or anything like that. This was years ago, I'm ready to move past this. I need to heal, and if you were a part of this... even if you were shitty to me, I want you to heal and get help, too.

[late-to-the-party-81]

Surprise, Surprise

AN: It took me a while @navybrat817 but I did something with this little thot you sent me back in June for my birthday. This serves as a follow- up to my kinktober fic Need you now.

Unbeta'd ramblings

Dividers by @firefly-graphics

Masterlist

Series Masterlist

Relationship: Alpha! Nomad Steve x Omega! Reader

Word Count: 2.5k

CW: Angst, Attempted assault, Misogyny, Mild Violence, Fluff and Feels, implied sexy times.

Steve leant forward, his weight shifting on to his arms as his hands lay flat against the control panel. It was just a reflex. Getting closer to the view screen wouldn’t change what it was saying, wouldn’t change the fact that he didn’t know where you were.

“I’ve gotta find her, Tony.”

“Chill your boots, Capsicle. She’ll be somewhere.”

Steve ground his teeth, biting back an angry retort.

“I haven’t seen or heard from her in months. She’s overdue her heat. Her apartment is all packed and cleared out. If she’s hurt, or in danger, I’ll never forgive myself.”

A firm hand came down on Steve’s shoulder.

“We’ll find your girl, Stevie. I’m sure Stark and I can put aside our differences long enough.”

There was a derisive snort from Tony’s workstation but Steve chose to ignore it.

“Thanks, Buck. I appreciate it.”

“It’s the least I could do, you know, considering that helping me is what got you into this in the first place.”

Steve gave Bucky a small smile.

“It wasn’t your fault, Buck. Blame the Accords.”

“But they’re rescinded now,” added Tony. “So now we’re a happy family once again, let’s find Cap’s errant Omega, shall we. Then Cyborg and I can go back to ignoring each other.”

Steve sighed and shook his head.

Where could you be?

You made your way down the busy sidewalk, trying your best not to get jostled by everyone else who seemed to be going in the opposite direction. It was cold and dark out, and you had on your big winter coat, but just the act of going against the flow was getting you all hot and sweaty. You didn’t dare undo it though.

It had been 5 months since you’d last seen Steve, when your one word missive via text had brought him out of hiding for a brief few days during your heat. A few days in which you could forget that he was a wanted man on the run. A nomad. He’d just been Steve. Your mate. Your Alpha.

But it was getting hard now. His scent had almost completely faded from his shirt, the one you currently wore. You were desperate to have the vestiges of him on your skin, not only because you missed him, but for safety.

You may wear a mating scar on your neck, but you barely had any Alpha scent lingering on you, meaning that some Alphas, unmated ones, saw you as fair game. An abandoned mated Omega was just a single Omega in their eyes. You’d already suffered some harassment in the last few weeks, cat calls and the such like, but you needed to keep yourself safe.

You pressed on. It was only another couple of blocks until you got back to your shitty apartment. You missed your old one, but after Steve’s last visit, when clarity had hit you a few weeks later, you knew that for his and your safety you couldn’t stay there. You’d packed up only the most precious of your belongings and hit the road. 

Suddenly someone bumped into you with surprising force and you spun, your bags dropping to the ground, before you inelegantly joined them. You breathed a sigh of relief when you realised you’d landed on your backside. 

You were just reorientating yourself, a part of you frustrated by how everyone was just passing you by, when a shadow fell over you.

“Need a hand?”

You looked up, and saw two men standing over you. The one who’d spoken had his hand out.

You accepted, tentatively, and let out a small gasp as he easily hefted you to your feet. He smiled at you, but there was something off about it, the way it didn’t quite meet his eyes.

“You ought to be careful, omega. Being out here, in the dark, all on your lonesome.”

His friend thrust your belongings into your arms and you gripped them tightly so as not to spill them again. You were feeling uncomfortable and just wanted to get home.

“I’ll be okay. Thank you for stopping to help.” You made to step around them and carry on your way, but the pair shifted, caging you in against the side of the building behind you.

“Never a problem for a pretty omega.” His smile turned into a predatory grin and you tried to school your features and not let your discomfort show.

“Well, thank you again…” You took another step, but neither of them moved.

“We’re you going in such a hurry? Thought we could get to know each other better. Maybe you thank us properly.”

You steeled yourself for the inevitable confrontation and tried to nonchalantly catch the eye of a passer-by. Any passer-by.

“Look. I’m appreciative. But I’ve got to get home to my Alpha.” You tilted your head to show your mating scar, but the man just dropped his head slightly, and scented you. You couldn’t repress the full body shiver such an invasion of privacy the act elicited.

“The thing is, ‘mega, I see the scar, but you barely have any of your alpha scent on you. Makes me think you’ve been abandoned, sweet thing.”

You glared before trying to push your way between them.

“I don’t want any trouble.”

He grabbed your upper arm, jerking you to a halt.

“Then come with us nicely, and you won’t have any.”

“No. I’m not going with you. I owe you no other thanks than what I’ve given. And even if I didn’t have an alpha, which I do, I wouldn’t want to go anywhere with either of you.”

The grip on your arm tightened and you couldn’t stop the small cry of pain you let out.

“Ungrateful, omega bitch. Let’s see if you change your tune when you’ve got a knot in you.”

His friend took hold of your other arm and between them they started to haul you towards the mouth of an alley. You dropped your bags again so you’d have your hands free and dropped your weight to make it harder for them to move you. Also, it was now time to make a scene.

“Get off of me. Let me go, you creeps!” You shouted at the top of your lungs, squirming and twisting their grasp, but in the time you’d been interacting with them, the massive crowds that had been your bane earlier on had now disappeared. 

You turned your head and latched your teeth onto one of the hands holding you, feeling a burst of pride in your chest when you broke the skin and the man cried out. He dropped you as he let go, and you sank to the floor. Your joy was short-lived though when he back-handed you around the face, and you went dizzy from the force of it. Your vision was cloudy as they pulled you back up.

“Just think, sweetheart. We were willing to be nice. Could have made sure you enjoyed it, but now? Now it’s just for us.” He turned to his buddy. “When did omegas get so uppity? Was a time when as an alpha you just had to say jump and omegas would ask how high.”

Your panic was rising, along with the bile in your throat, but then you smelt it.

Smelt him. 

Your salvation. 

For a moment you thought your brain was playing tricks on you, but then your hindbrain started whining excitedly and you knew it was true.

“Let. Her. Go.”

A deep growl sounded from the street end of the alley, and your would-be assailants dropped you and turned at the sound. You caught yourself on your palms, scrapping them on the hard, filthy ground, but you didn’t care.

“Steve!” His blue eyes flicked over you, no doubt checking to see how much you’d been hurt, as he stalked forward towards the two men. 

“How dare you touch my mate. How dare you touch any omega like that.” His voice was unsettlingly calm and you saw the two men look towards each other, a silent conversation about fight or flight. They didn’t make their decision quickly enough though, because suddenly Steve was in front of them, knocking them out with one punch each, then walking past them, already forgotten, as he focused on you.

“Are you okay, baby?” His voice was full of trepidation as he scooped you up against his chest. You rubbed your face into the crook of his neck, covering your skin with his scent and allowing it to calm you.

“‘M okay, Steve. Just lost my stuff.”

You felt his chuckle rumble through your body.

“I’ll get you some more stuff, Omega. Let’s get you home.”

You allowed him to carry you, your fingers curled into the lapels of his brown suede jacket. You inhaled his scent deeply, and realised after a few minutes that you were purring. Steve pressed a kiss to the top of your head and you were sure you could hear him smile.

“Missed you too, sweetheart. Missed you too.”

You didn’t tell him where your apartment was, but you weren’t surprised that he knew. Of course he’d found out, otherwise he wouldn’t have been in this neighbourhood anyway. He let you back on your feet outside your door, and you were glad that you’d put your keys in your pocket and not your bag. You opened the door and walked through, flicking on the light and illuminating your meagre accommodation.

You could tell Steve wasn’t impressed. If the scent of his dissatisfaction wasn’t obvious enough, the way he went around the whole place, scoping out locks on all the windows would have let you know.

“Baby, why are you living here? Why did you leave your old apartment?”

You pulled your lower lip between your teeth. You couldn’t get away with not telling him, so sooner rather than later was obviously the best strategy. You walked up to him, wrapping your arms around his waist and hugging him. You still had your coat on, and with how much heat Steve pumped out, you were starting to sweat within a few seconds.

“I was scared, Steve. And I felt vulnerable. My mind was telling me that I had to go somewhere safe. Somewhere unknown. What if someone had followed you the last time you had visited. Then we…I wouldn’t be safe.”

“You’ve neer felt like that before, Omega. I’ve visited you for your heat there lots of times.”

Laughter bubbled up your throat, and you shook your head, a wry smile on your face.

“Yeah, but last time was sort of different.”

Steve looked down at you, confusion on his face, as you stepped away from him and unzipped your coat, pulling it off and tossing it aside. 

Your mate looked at you. 

Frozen still. 

Mouth agape. 

Then he dropped to his knees in front of you, wrapped his arm around your thickened waist and pressed his cheek to your swollen belly, which was barely covered by his worn black t-shirt. You let him have a moment, and just ran your fingers through his dirty blonde locks, humming gently and letting out a soothing scent.

When he pulled his face away and sat back on his heels he was looking up at you in awe. His eyes were red rimmed and you could see the tracks of a few silent tears on his pinked cheeks.

“You’re having my pup?”

You smiled at him and put out your hand to pull him up.

“Yes, silly. Although, I have a feeling it might be pups. Two.”

Steve stood, only to stagger a few feet to your worn sofa, before dropping down into it and pulling you with him to sit across his lap. One of his arms was around your back, supporting you, and the other lay across your stomach, long fingers splayed over your bump. He gave you a soft, lingering kiss, before pulling back and shaking his head, still in disbelief.

“You’re having my pups. Pups. You. Me.”

You couldn’t help but giggle at him, how shocked he was by it all.

“Well, that’s generally what happens when an Alpha and an Omega love each other very much and have a special cuddle…oww!”

You let out a cry as Steve playfully nipped at your neck, just above your mating scar, before running his tongue over it.

“Okay, just stop teasing me, baby. It’s a shock, alright? I knew it was a possibility, but I just didn’t think it would happen. Not yet.”

“Steve, it’s not like we were doing anything to prevent it.”

“I know, I know. It’s just…it’s just part of me thought it wouldn’t happen until we were properly together again.”

Your heart sunk in your chest, as he reminded you of the current state of your relationship.

Resting your head on his shoulder, you resumed toying with the hair at the nape of his neck.

“When do you have to go?”

“Well, I was thinking that we’d stay here tonight, then pack you up and move you to the compound tomorrow.”

You sat back up with a start.

“What? Compound? What do you mean?”

“Well, now I’m back, I have a big apartment at the Compound, and if you’re there with me, then we can get you the best medical care and…”

You scrabbled off his lap, chest suddenly tight.

“Back? You’re back? When? How? I’m…oh my god, I can’t breathe.”

You sank to the floor, leaning over and dragging air into your lungs. Steve knelt down beside you rubbing your back, letting his scent flow in an effort to soothe you.

“My turn to shock you, ey, Omega?”

You nodded, still unable to speak and feeling a prickling in your eyes.

“I don’t know how you missed it, but the Accords were rescinded. I mean I still gotta have a long ass meeting with some high up folk, but I’m no longer a wanted man. Tony and I have even made tentative steps to get our friendship back on track. Brought Bucky back with me too.”

You threw your arms around his neck and pressed your lips to his, uncaring at the tears rolling down your face.

“You’re back, you’re back. Oh god. And I’m having your pups and I can move out of this shitty apartment. Pinch me, I’m dreaming.”

Steve chuckled, and then for the second time in as many hours scooped you up into his arms.

“How about you show me where you sleep in this awful place, and I’ll bite your neck instead, Omega…”

His words were almost a growl as he rubbed his face up against yours, and you felt heat suffuse your body.”

“I’d like that very much, Alpha…”

Tag list: @christywantspizza @jobean12-blog @tuiccim @yarnforbrains @sidepartskinnyjeans @flordeamatista @krissy25 @bodeckersdiamonddoll @goldylions @ohsymphony @luxeavenger @wheezy-stucky @doasyoudesireandlive @seitmai @marvelstarker-mha98 @talia-rumlow

[mononijikayu]

spoilers for jjk chapter 267

i still think about this chapter page. the reason i have had a very active thought to yuji being the one that has a more evidential death than megumi, gojo or nobara was chapter three.

chapter three was called 'for myself' and this is just after yuji buried his grandfather and settled towards being a jujutsu sorcerer, but this is also the chapter the trio were built together.

gege akutami likes repetition and i feel like chapter three is something that correlates to chapter 267. because not only is he referencing the sukuna v gojo fight and number three again, which is considered a more luckier number than four — but he's referencing once again yuji's will to fight and to live and also to die in the way that he does not regret.

the chapter is where yuji was asked by yaga why he wanted to be a jujutsu sorcerer in the first place. he is asked if he will blame his suffering on the wishes of the dead, nor should he be someone with regrets. yaga tells yuji it has to be his own will that starts this journey for him and it should also be his will that ends it.

and everytime i look at the title 'for myself' — it seems more like the message that echoes throughout time. that yuji has to choose to fight, to live and even to die with his own will to do so. it can't be someone's choice.

it reminds me of aot's opening chapter being a similar message — 'to you, 2000 years from now.' which is a message passed by ymir for someone to end the cycle of suffering she's going through.

the whole premise of jjk is to end the suffering of a world embued by curses and what the pain of others can bring to a wider world. and so the goal from the beginning is to accept the end, but also to fight against the suffering as you get brought to that end.

and so when you look at what happened in chapter 265, a lot of yuji telling sukuna about his life is also a will to express a sort of finality and acceptance on yuji's part. and its why he pities sukuna in the first place — because unlike gojo, unlike megumi, especially unlike yuji, the willingness to accept death, to accept finality is not there for sukuna.

and that's truly why yuji pities sukuna. because sukuna does not know how to find an end that serves to create a peacable end. for sukuna, there is only chaos, volatility, anger, suffering. which is why he will be nothing but an echo of defeat. because he does not accept an end, a change, a shift. he does not welcome death. he only welcomes repetition, the unchanging, the stagnation of life.

so, when i think of chapter three and chapter 267 together — the balance of yuji's acceptance of what change and even death may bring makes me think that gege's plan had always been settled with yuji dying and that death leading to the shift in the world of sorcery and maybe even the end of curses in itself like yuki theorized.

but all at once, its hard to accept. because yuji is just a boy and to have a boy carry the burden of the world like that as though it is once again like the book 'the ones who walked away from omelas' where society benefitted from the suffering of a child — it makes your stomach hurt and your heart break. because yuji deserves to live, he deserves to have a life that exists beyond this anguish.

yet with how gege wrote everything and how i have never stopped thinking about chapter three for a long while now — its so certain at the sacrifice of yuji. and in a way, the greatest burden and curse for him as much as wasuke's words for him were.

'you should use your strength to help others.' and 'when you die, you should be surrounded by people. don't end up like me.' — yuji has and still does carry all the weight of these words. and he does and he would till the end. and that breaks me apart.

maybe im getting way too ahead of myself, maybe im way too into the build up. gege can always change his mind. but with the way its set up, it makes my stomach hurt knowing that the greatest echo to the jujutsu world changing is a boy of sixteen who has been forced to fight for his life, for his friends, for his peace, for the world's peace by not only the wishes of others but his own too, hoping that this cycle of his suffering is the last of its kind.

[mishhty]

You said that you cared, you said that you would always be with me. But it was all a lie. I never asked you to promise me anything, why did you use me like this?

You promised you would never leave me alone. But you lied. The only truth is that you cared for everyone but me, when I was the one who supported you the most. Why?

Don't you think a girl of 18 is too young to be played with?

I still miss you so fucking much. I cannot....idk, I just miss you everyday, everywhere. Even though you have asked me to forget you I can't. And you are probably having a time of your life, I don't even think you miss me anymore.

Why did you do this to me? Why?

I told you why but it looks like I didn’t say something you wanted to hear. Guess what, I won’t say it either. I know I am no better than the people who did me wrong, as a matter of fact I have become one of them. This may come off as vain but am I to blame when it was you who had been so vulnerable in the first place? You believed in anything and everything I would say which as I said fascinated me, nobody placed so much trust and confidence in me as you did, i felt so valued. You didn’t mock me for being myself. It was all just… too good to be true. And then suddenly one night when I was asleep I was awoken by deep anxious thoughts and voices in my head telling me to end it all and just leave everyone and everything I ever knew and loved behind, so I did what was best for me and probably for you too. See, I know I didn’t do a huge favour on you by telling the truth but atleast I didn’t lead you on, I didn’t keep you on the edge, I didn’t ghost you. I told you as it was and went on about my life, I finished it off with full clarity.

I will be 18 too soon and clearly age has nothing to do with any of this if you’re thinking you can fish out any empathy by intimidating me by showing yourself as someone who’s ‘too-young-and-innocent-to-know-any-better’ then it’s all useless because well then that’s true for me too, do you think I know what’s right and wrong ? Do you think I deserved all that I went through? I was once just the way you are right now, and it has taken me a lot of understanding and heartlessness to become this way. plus I feel the younger you are, the more it is easier to be fooled with big words and promises only for all of it to come crashing down at the stake of your sanity in the end. So i felt this is more of a reason to go on the search for myself, I didn’t want to be taken advantage of just because i wasn’t aware of the world and its ways yet.

I have a really hard time taking care of myself what makes you think I care about anyone else? I used to but I gave it all up long after I met you. You are the closest I have ever come to feeling love and care for, and I mean it with all my living. And ‘having the time of my life’ ? Seriously? Oh Please! If you were to see my state you would be thankful I left you. All I feel is excruciating pain and immense suffering but somehow I try to distract myself by doing a lot of work, manual labour mostly. I have seen the hardships one has to go through in life in order to sustain themselves and all of this has taught me a lesson I can never forget. I have unfortunately even come to the realisation that I cannot give you the life you deserve and that’s what hurts me the most, more than anything ever. Whenever I over exert myself it’s only because of you, it’s the thoughts of your existence that make me immune to any sickness or disease or exhaustion in this world and it takes me an eternity to accept the fact that you’re not mine anymore. I can’t live like this forever and that is just enough reason for me to want to live like this forever. All this pain numbs my brain, I have never felt any better and it’s only for the best…

[songmingisthighs]

Genesis

introduction pt. i | pt. ii | pt. iii

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ch. lxxi - tequilla shots, 10 to be exact

fashion mogul!mingi × reader

tw : mentions of sexual harrassment

buy me coffee ?

!! A T T E N T I O N !!

things aren't always what it seems but when even the truth is left unheard, what can people do? one musn't lie but what if the lie is more accepted than the truth? the scariest thing in this world isn't monsters or demons. it's people with no agenda and time to waste.

It musn't have taken a long time from the time Yunho opened the door to where you were next.

One moment you were folding Mingi's laundry in his room and the next thing you know, you were with the man whose underwear you were folding, the man who had been actively avoiding you, in the hallway, facing each other whilst sitting diagonally with a bit of space between you two. Neither of you had talked since Yunho excused himself out the door. It had been 10 minutes since you both sat down and it felt like one of you was waiting for the other to open a conversation first. It was a waiting game between the two of you.

Until one cracked first.

"I... Won't blame you for keeping things from me, I don't blame you at all," Mingi spoke out, voice cracking slightly as if his emotion was trying to get the best of him, "I just want to know why," he didn't look at you for one but as he spoke but you understood why he did that. You understood why he didn't want to be influenced by the look on your face as you uncovered the secret behind your break up with Hongjoong.

"Hongjoong and I met when I was still an intern at Couvang and he was an associate in his previous company, learning how to be a merchandiser and I contacted him to get connected to his boss which I failed to do and he felt bad for the rejection so he took me out. We officially dated two months after the rejection and we helped each other with our respective careers. Then he moved to work at The Gallerio and I was so happy for him because he got his dream job at his dream company and I got to accompany him. Considering the demands in his line of work and the clause in my contract, we decided to keep our relationship as close as we could by severely limiting our couple tweets and drowning those couple tweets in other tweets. We tried our best and it was proven to be effective, no one cared that we were together or they simply didn't know because after Hongjoong got his recognition, he stopped tagging me upon my request. Then comes the wedding. You would've thought that we broke up because of budgeting issues or guest lists or maybe an issue with our exes but nothing of the sort, the wedding planner even said that we were one of the most decisive and in tune couple she had ever worked with. Hell, we even went under budget and over the top somehow. I remember... It was one night after my dress-fitting, I brought my cousin whom we appointed as the flower girl and I told him about how her mom was grateful that we involved them simply because she now had something to do other than chauffeur her kids and attend to her husband. Hongjoong said that he felt bad that she had to go through life as a stay-at-home mom and I told him that I could see why she decided to become a stay-at-home mom because raising kids, being a chauffeur, taking care of her husband's needs, whilst still being expected to have a social life is a whole circus of its own and it was worth it and that I was thinking that once we start having kids of our own, I'd quit my job and be a stay-at-home mom myself. That night, we didn't talk more about that but I had a feeling that Hongjoong kept something from me. Turns out, by the end of the week, he packed his things while I was at work, waited for me to come home, then tearily said 'I'm sorry for doing this, I just can't respect someone who'd throw away their career, what they worked so hard for, to be a stay-at-home parent' then he hauled his ass out of my life and apparently to Europe before I could understand what he meant and it wasn't until I called his aunt from the countryside that I realized what had happened. He left me because of something that hadn't happened yet and I was so embarrassed that I failed in my relationship that I haven't even told my friends because I don't want them to think of me the same way," you chuckled bitterly.

You hadn't realized that you were crying because you were so focused on telling your side of the story until your face was cupped gently and you saw Mingi looking at you with a broken-hearted look on his face. When did he even got that close to you? It was true, Mingi expected that the reason for your breakup was differences or clashing opinions when you were planning your wedding. He even considered the possibility of one of you cheating and he hated himself for hoping that if that were the case, it was you who cheated because he was pissed at the situation. Something, anything that could justify your action which may or may not be based on shame. But never could he have imagined that it was because of something as stupid as employment or the lack of to focus on being a mom which he thinks is a noble thing.

In all honesty, Mingi had nothing to say about your situation because he felt disgusted. He was disgusted by himself for basically forcing you to revisit such a painful memory. How could he have done that? He wanted to apologize, he wanted to let you know how he never should have done that, forced you to share something so sensitive. But he didn't want to make things about him. He didn't want to make it about him because if he apologized, he knew you'd accept it and that would only alleviate his guilt but not take away your pain.

Mingi thought that the least he could do was to open up to you himself.

"H-have I told you about the gay allegation? M-my gay allegation?" He started meekly, afraid that you'd react badly. But through teary eyes that he soon helped wipe away with the calloused pad of his thumb gently, you stared at him with only curiosity and that got him to crack a small smile, the smile that you missed over the past couple of days. "Well... I... I also haven't told my friends this because over time, I think the truth became irrelevant and I'm just... Desensitized to it."

You could see that it was hard for Mingi to talk about it judging by how long it took him to form his sentence. "Mingi... You don't-" But he cut you off immediately.

"I used to have a mentor. He was my college professor and a prominent figure in contemporary fashion and he was like a father to me. He helped me land an internship at a creative house that often works with big brands and even after I started working there, he still mentored me. When Men's Today poached me to be an associate editor, he threw a party in my honour. That was the first time the photographer I had worked with often times groped me. He cornered me when I was alone in the men's room and he grabbed my ass, pulled me close to him and told me how his wife wouldn't mind him tasting me just to see how talented I was. I pushed him away and ran to my mentor and I told him everything, I told him what happened while crying and when he heard that, he cried too but he congratulated me. He said that it was... Part of the job, to be flirted with and even touched inappropriately without my consent and I can't complain. I can't report them. Not if I want to succeed and make a name for myself. But I was determined to break the cycle, I wanted to stop the harassment and just be known for what I can do but through every situation I was cornered and forced, and abused, I realized that these people are smart. There was no way I could prove that they sexually harassed me and they made sure I know that I will never be able to work in the industry if I report them. So I made a choice to work within the corrupted, broken system to protect people like me. Through the groupings, hand holdings, arm linking and cheek kisses in public, I let them happen because I didn't want to lose the reputation I had built on crying every night because I felt disgusted by myself for not having more spine about this issue, why did I let myself go through it? It never got easier, I just got numb, I guess."

The tears you shed before were from reliving your own pain but this time, it was for Mingi who had to endure all the pain and shame all by himself. Not to mention the fact that he couldn't even tell his friends, For you, your friends were aware of the things going on with Hongjoong except for the part where he said he couldn't respect you if you decided to give up your job. But Mingi couldn't even tell his friends that he was being taken advantage of.

"Mingi, oh my god, that's not just harassment, that's assault I think," you sighed, closing your eyes in dejection. Mingi bitterly smiled and nodded, "At best, I guess."

"Why are you telling me this?" you asked, hiccuping slightly.

At first, Mingi just pursed his lips, wanting to tell you that it was because he wanted to return the favour of being vulnerable. But he knew it wasn't true, it wasn't as simple as sharing pain because he could've told you about the time his dad left him which was a more common pain. He could've told you about the time he was bullied all through elementary school because he was lanky and nerdy and didn't seem like he had much in him. So why did he decide to tell you something traumatic that was still going on?

"I... I trust you," he said, shoulders relaxing as if admitting that relieved him of burden. "Don't you trust your friends too?" that question could've stumped Mingi because it was true, he trusted his friends. But with you, it felt different.

Carefully, Mingi let his hands envelop yours, the warmth that transferred slowly from his skin to yours, comforting you as soon as you felt his warmth, "I trust them a lot. They're basically my brothers, that's why if they didn't trust me, if they mocked me, or if they rejected me because of this, I wouldn't be able to take it. But you? I'm not saying that you're broken, but you've had your fair share of bitter pill in life, hard decisions you were forced to take, paths you were put on that was never your plan, hopes that were squandered by someone you trusted, you loved. So I believe that you'd trust me, you'd accept me despite what I faced."

Your heart clenched at his words. All this time you thought that he was an indecisive dumbass, a product of coddling, a stereotypical stupid jerk. Turns out he was just a child at heart who was never given the opportunity to make his own choice, that's why he didn't know what kind of decision to make when he actually had the chance to, how to react in situations that's troubling. It's not his fault he's a dumbass, he had just been living life the way people forced him to and he had been desensitized by his situation that he has the emotional ability of a 5-year-old. He's just a child at heart.

More tears poured down your cheeks, causing Mingi to panic, thinking that he had said the wrong thing to you. But before he could even apologize for making you cry, you reached over and hugged him as tightly as you could without harming your belly. "I'm sorry for not telling you about me and Hongjoong, not giving you a chance to choose how to react and not trusting that you could handle the information," you sobbed into his chest, taking him completely by surprise. "I shouldn't have done that, I should've told you but I was scared and ashamed of what happened between me and him. I thought it wouldn't have mattered anyway until Hongjoong showed up at the hospital and ever since then, I have been making the wrong decision." Slowly, Mingi's arms wrapped around your waist, reciprocating your guilt and accepting your apology. "I'm sorry too for leaving just like that, not having a conversation first," sneakily he peeked down at your belly and smiled tearily, "Thank you for accompanying your mom while daddy was being a dodo, bean." You pushed him, laughing genuinely for the first time in two days, "You're such a dork," you said as you pushed him lightly on the shoulder, now in a lighter mood.

You were about to sit back down in your previous spot when Mingi pulled you in gently flush to him so he could rest his cheek on the top of your head. It felt nice, you felt safe. Mingi felt secure like he was a fortress made out of the most comfortable, sturdy material. If that's a thing.

"So..." You sighed, nervous slightly, "What do we do now?"

"We face whatever comes next," then you felt him slink a hand around your waist, resting his palm on your stomach while his other hand used his thumb to caress the back of his palm, "Together."

network :

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[mrssimply]

HIIII 3 and 14 for the fic writer ask pretty pls :]

3. how you feel about your current WIP?

OMG, Blue, you couldn't have chosen a worst question from this list ahaha. I feel awful, I hate it, I'm fighting it every step of the way, I wanna lay down and cry about it. I hate it so much, so, so much. I'm talking about The Burning of Rome, of course, not the answer to your prompt (yep, it's still in progress) though I'm also blocked on that one, unfortunately T-T.

Now, I'm just not gonna whine about my WIP, but maybe explain a little bit more. Even though it's... not fun, I know it's part of the process. First of all, I generally hate my WIPs at some point, most often I hate what I just finished writing. I think it's because, as I come down from the high of writing, I realise words and english failed me yet again and it's not as I imagined. It's never exactly as I imagined, but sometimes, this conclusion angers me. I often react with anger when my ego takes a hit, then I sulk, then I accept it and generally, by this point I read over the part I wrote and I rediscover it and hey, it's actually not that bad. So I know it's part of the process.

But... I'll admit it's the first time I struggled this hard with a fic. It never happened before. So, like a disgruntled old cat, I was reflecting on why is that, and here are my modest conclusions:

it's the... biggest work so far. Not in word count (though, if you add up the first two parts of the series, it is one of the biggest), but in ambition. I basically had to come up with so much for that series, and that last part in particular. I researched the mafias of the world, studied the Philipines geography and geopolitics, I went back to some history lesson to better integrate some part of lore into past events, and then there was the usual research about John Wick in genral, firearms, battle strategy, and of course, writing fighting scenes which is just exhausting.

The freaking cast... Like. Most of my works have around three main characters, and a few regular side characters, but most of the action happens in the intimacy of a couple, or a trouple. TBoR's middle part, which I finished with my blood and tears, only thanks to Koda infaillible support, has so many characters. There is only one main character (John) for most of that part, but he has significant interactions with like ten others characters. Thre of them are OC, and I try not to give too much screentime to OCs since, understandably, they don't interest the audience but Leonora for exemple, has been in this story for so long sometimes I forget she ain't actually in the movies xD. So yeah, a big cast to balance, to give screentime to, and to move around coherently, give each of them a role and a purpose. Exhausting.

Character developpement: I can only blame myself for that one. I mean, I can only blame myself for the previous points, too, but this one... Let me rewind a little bit: I know a lot of people in the fandom envision John as caring, understanding, patient. And he is. Our favorite Loving Husband. But he also is pretty aggressive, stubborn, and ffs he doesn't know how to grieve. At all. This "indomitable will" Viggo speaks about in the first movie, that thing that makes him get up after falling from the roof garden of the Continental... Well, when you put that into caring for his partner, it makes him a great husband. But when you put that into conflict with said partner, he's just unsufferable. And I wanted to explore that. And now, he kinda did something unforgivable, so how is he gonna get over it, I ask the audience? And the audience turns toward me: "but you're the author!" and yep. I am [nervous laughter]. So... Now I have the path, after... months of struggling to find a way out of the mess I put him and Santino into. But I have to write it, and it's hard, because I'm shit at emotional conflict, and how do you deal with emotional conflict when one character doesn't know how to express his feelings outside of violent outburst (killing seventy people because he couldn't deal with his grief~~~) and the other one is just as stubborn, and won't talk about his feelings anymore because when he tried, he got shut down. That's where I am people, and I. hate. it.

Now, I know that when I publish the final part, I'll be happy. Not just happy to be done, I'll be proud of myself because, this was huge. I knew it would be when I started, and I told myself several times that I wouldn't do it because it was too big and I wasn't sure I could pull it off, or even wanted to... I mean, I don't wanna sound like I'm whining but I know the energy this will require out of readers, it's not a fanfiction anymore, it's a book, and people have shown to have more difficulties engaging with that kind of works than with oneshots, or short fiction. Won't get into why, that's another subject entierly, but I just know this work, which is my soul and guts, will get less reactions that the one I wrote in a frenzy for a prompt. It's always been like that, I've... accepted it, I'm not complaining about it I'm just saying sometimes it's hard to swallow.

Moving on.

I've been thinking a lot about another fic of mine (from Cyberpunk) lately in relation to The Burning of Rome. The fic is called To the day I die and it was, is, my personal masterpiece when it comes to Silverdyne (Johnny x Kerry). It's also the final part of a series that started innocently as a prompt (W.A.R, the series TBoR is part of, started as a character study), and it embarked me into this huge odyssey about love, growing up, getting better, relapse and what it means to be wise. Also, some of the themes are the same : both characters hurting each other with the best intentions, one of them being a self-sacrifycing fool, and the other being stubborn because he was once hurt by his partner. They also end up kinda nearly killing each other lol I need to stop doing this (it's a lie, I'll do it again, it's my favorite trope, don't send help). I think I unconsciously used some of the same sentences, or at least the same situation. I I foolishly always thought I had no "themes" in my work but that was obviously my ego speaking! Incredible, what we learn about ourselves while writing.

So yeah.

I hate it.

But when it's done, I'll be proud, I know.

I might even print it, for posterity.

It's my best work so far, so why not?

(Fun fact, I wrote that yesterday and I think venting helped me because I kinda made a huge leap in the fic!!! Kudos to me and thank you for the ask!!!)

14. where do you get your inspiration?

Ah, that's a good question. I don't know, and it's bugging me a little ahah. I was talking to my sister about what I consider a "good movies" lately and my conclusion was "I need to develop an obsession, however brief, about it". That's what I'm seeking when I watch a movie, when I start a series or a game: I want to get that obsessive reaction, because it fuels my creativity like mad. Now, what will make me obsess about a content? No idea lol. Example of materials that should've inspired me but didn't: Mass Effect, Red Dead Redemption, the Sandman, Our Flag Means Death, Interview with the Vampire... they had ALL the ingredients that should've made me fall into a new obsession, and well, nothing happened.

On the contrary, examples of material that made me go into a frenzy: X-men:first class, Startrek, Stargate (SG1 and Atlantis), Cyberpunk, Matrix, John Wick, Naruto and lately, KinnxPorsche (thawainese drama, yeah, I was NOT expecting that one). I've tried to come up with the fomula but I've not yet found out what makes any of the above kickstart an obsession, and with it, inspiration to write or draw.

One thing maybe is the epicness: I need to feel the story is vast and world threatening. I also love element of fantasy, or science fiction. I need the story to get me out of our daily world (but then again, Mass effect checks all the boxes, and yet...).

Music can also inspire me but I'm very fickle about it. I did write with music but I stopped that a while ago because it made me too dependent on the music's mood to write the right scene. Now I write without, and it's actually easier to focus, I think I also got more control over my writing in general, meaning I can write the scene I want, when I want, not when the mood strikes.

Last but not least: other fanfictions. This is always, a huge reservoir of inspiration. Headcanons, fanons, and all the content of a fandom is generally a bottomless well of ideas, feeling and themes to explore. As such, it can be hard to be in a small fandom, with a ship with few supporters because I "lack" this source of inspiration, but that also mean I'll produce more for it, like I'm trying to fill the void xD. For example, I never wrote anything for any big fandom because I spent too much time reading fanfiction, and feeling like everything was already written and I just needed to find it to get my high. In a smaller fandom, I need to participate more, and it's really stimulating! So overall, it works out either way!

And of course, one thing that stays true no matter what: I'm an overwriter, look at that long post!!!

Thank you for the ask (and for listening to my lecture!) <3

[scribeforchrist-blog]

Waiting On You

MEMORY VERSE OF THE WEEK
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+ Jeremiah 17:7: “Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose trust is the Lord.
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VERSE OF THE DAY 
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+ 2 Corinthians 1:3  Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and the God of all comfort.
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SUBJECT: Waiting On You
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** SAY THIS BEFORE YOU READ; HERE’S SOME CHRISTIAN TRUTHS **
I AM BEING ME 
I AM ACCEPTED 
I AM HELPFUL 
I AM LOVING 
********************************
THOUGHTS:
=======================
  The Holy Spirit has been having me study 2 Corinthians 1:3,  which  says, Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and the God of all comfort.”
    God is the father of mercy and the God of all comfort. Sometimes, we feel that life is unfair, and we are being dealt the wrong hand. Some of us know we have caused our life to go the way, but we still blame him or anyone else but ourselves for what is happening, Whatever you're going through, know it's okay not to be okay; it's okay to be honest with God and say how you feel.
  We must always be real with God, who appreciates our honesty about everything. And I know some of us find that hard to believe, but; to build a relationship with God, we must open our hearts up to him and tell him how we feel.
  Verse 4: He comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any kind of affliction, through the comfort we receive from God
    I was in a terrible spot,  and it felt like I was alone. I know I had the Holy Spirit, and he was comforting me, but I felt alone because I didn’t want to admit I wasn’t okay. The more situations came up, the more I resisted the urge to say I was not okay because, from my perspective, I was giving the enemy power by acknowledging it. 
   In my mind, I thought I was giving power to the moment if I acknowledged I wasn’t okay, but genuinely, I was hurting myself. After all, I wasn't allowing God to be who I needed him to be, which was a comfort; he desires to comfort us in our addictions, in our downfalls, in our shortcomings. He wants us to be able to comfort other people because we have been through this, but if we are hiding what we are feeling and how we are handling it, we will never be comforted or healed.
 Verse 5 For just as the sufferings of Christ overflow to us, so also through Christ our comfort overflows.
  It says here that his comfort overflows to us, which means he has an abundance to give us when we are in need. We often times think that he can't possibly comfort me because he has other people to comfort , but he can give us so much comfort . Sometimes, we want comfort in him by him giving us money or changing the situation. Still, sometimes God wants us to go through so he can show us that he can comfort us through the highs and lows of life; we must understand as long as we ignore God and as long as we don't surrender our emotions, the more we will feel like we are enduring by ourselves and we aren’t.
 Just like when someone goes to the hospital and the family members are sitting in the waiting room, they may be sitting for hours but waiting. They don’t care how long it takes. They are there for the long haul for the doctor or nurse to come out and tell them what is happening, and that’s just like God; he is waiting for us to tell him what is happening. He is waiting for us to give him peace in our lives, but he won't leave; he’ll wait for us. Go to God today and tell him how you are feeling.
  Isaiah 41:10 Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
   

The lord doesn’t want us to be afraid in our moments of sadness and anxiety and depression; he doesn’t want us to be afraid of things we can’t control, but he wants us to know he is God through it all, and yes this moment we are on is hard but what we have to understand that wherever we are, in life in life God is going to help us through it but he wants us to be true to our feelings!
  I can remember sitting in my car and wondering what did I do to get to this place in my emotions, and he let me know it was because I attempted to hide what I was feeling from him; he knows what we are feeling, but when we say it and we tell him, it’s taking our emotions off of us and placing everything on God. Let God in so he can solve your issues and love you through it all.
 *** Today, we learned that when we are silent, we hurt ourselves, not God. When we are silent, we aren't relying on God; that’s when we are relying on ourselves to comfort us; we have to say to ourselves that God can conquer everything for us. God worked out David situation with Saul, and then David got into another situation with his son, but David didn’t give up on relying on God; he continued to rely on God. 
  Even though David had that moment of sin, he returned to God. He still sought God and corrected his wrongdoing by asking for forgiveness, and this was “David responded to Nathan, “I have sinned against the Lord.” Then Nathan replied to David, “And the Lord has taken away your sin; you will not die.”
See, he knew God could even handle his sin; he could handle his wrongdoings; we have to believe that what we are feeling can be handled by God, but David had to be honest and say yes, I sinned; we have to place pride to the side and our emotional and seek him. 
©Seer~ Prophetess Lee
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PRAYER
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Heavenly Father, we thank you, lord; we are feeling so much and dealing with so much, but we give you everything. We give you our burdens and shortcomings. Lord, please help us to be more like you; please help us to grow more into our relationship with you; give us the fire and the want to please you. Lord, let us hear your voice and obey you; we need and thank you. Help us to be more like you. Help us to let go of relying on ourselves and to rely on you. In Jesus' Name Amen 
========================
REFERENCES 
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+ John 16:22 So also you have sorrow now, but I will see you again, and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy from you

+ Isaiah 51:12: “I, I am he who comforts you; who are you that you are afraid of man who dies, of the son of man who is made like grass,

+ Psalm 71:21 You will increase my greatness and comfort me again
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FURTHER READINGS 
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Proverbs 6
Matthew 1 
Colossians 4
Ezekiel 42
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