#which i most certainly Don’t have
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Yesssss finally, I am seen. Make them morons, and make them hopeless around each other. I want to see them make mental gymnasts into mincemeat with the way they avoid rational thought and defy the laws of simple attraction time and time again. I need everyone else to petition for stem cell research just so these two idiots can grow a single brain cell to finally use. thank you so much @fanby-fckry for the tag!
Tagging: @ckret2 @sowheresmyroom @gayasstheythem-ofmd
New tag game just dropped >:) my result kinda tracks doesn’t it? 🥺😅 @letmelickyoureyeballs @mossthebogwitch @daisey14 @kilibaggins
Quiz is here!
#only dwarfed by my real kink in this trope#Highly Competent Assholes who turn into complete dolts only in the romance and feelings department#it’s like tsundere but without the broody edgelord rizz#instead of “I don’t care” it’s “I didn’t notice”#a thousand glaring signs someone’s into me?#i was too busy figuring out how to navigate the crushing weight of daily life to pay attention#or#i was too busy being a well-respected supervillain who only feels Evil things to recognize regular Human emotions#which i most certainly Don’t have#ZADR#buttwitch#big deal#thiefshipping#radioapple#staticmoth#radiostatic#birdrick#rick sanchez x the president#tervo#solar opposites#good omens#aziraphale#crowley#ineffable husbands#stede bonnet#blackbeard#ofmd#professor venomous#lord boxman#megamind
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We all know Timmy is Wanda’s mama’s boy but we need to keep in mind he’s still Cosmo’s kid too and that Cosmo would love him just as vehemently as Wanda
#fairly oddparents#not that anyone has portrayed him different#certainly not distance he loves Timmy he probably says it the most in the show and in fanon#but still- watching New Wish there felt like there was a disconnect with Cosmos character-like he wasn’t as well defined as he was in OG#that’s in part due to them toning him down from being an idiot plain and simple but I feel like it wasn’t fitted with something else it was#simply taken away#just to say he didn’t have as much of a presence to me in New Wish as Wanda did and I crave spinning Cosmo around in my brain#I want to see Poof being his Dad’s Boy yknow and I want to see cosmo doting and I want to see when he gets like. parental rage for the sake#of his kids#yknow? Yknow? part of him feeling detached in a new wish has translated into him not wanting to get as close to Hazel as he did Timmy-#to try and play it more like godparents are supposed to- just a presence for a couple months#but also because like. he got SO attached to Timmy and he’ll never regret it and he’d never do anything different#but idk. if it were me I wouldn’t have the capacity to go through losing my godkid again after becoming that attached#that’s not even mentioning that they don’t HAVE to be in hazel’s life the same way they were in Timmy’s because Timmy was going through#neglect and Hazel has loving family and friends all around her at all times- her blocks are mental#in that way cosmo and Wanda just have to do the Typical Godparent Job of aiding her- not becoming people she desperately needs in life#which also bleeds into why I think Peri was having such a. difficult time#godparents aren’t supposed to be attached the way his family was to Timmy and that how he learned it#but his first godkid is Not Easy and lends immediately to the issues Timmy was having where he HAS parents he HAS things (though . Timmy#was not rich and would sometimes not be fed… dev’s dad also forgets to feed him but dev is still able to eat you know)#and how he grew up with his parents as godparents and how he’s been taught are conflicting and it’s nature vs doing a good job quoteunquote#I didn’t mean to ramble so damn much in the tags I’m really sorry#told myself if I had more to say I’d write it down and post it later but I must be heard.
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do you think vinh was actually in love with safi? i know he starts doubting that he ever was in chapter 5, but if he wasn’t actually in love what do you think his true feelings for her were? emotional attachment maybe? on safi’s side, i think it’s interesting how even after knowing about vinh’s statement about maya she still decides to hook up with him for a time (only to eventually stop sometime prior to the game?? maybe they had another falling out idk). their relationship in general is just very fascinating to me lmao.
god, the safi-vinh dynamic is certainly one filled with intrigue because of all the intense emotions attached to the people within it ; aimed at each other and also at the bystanders whom haunted around their not so defined relationship. there’s just so much baggage attached to them, you know? mostly painful things and a general sense of betrayal or regret, creating a potion of this general wishy washy bullshit that’s hard to parse through … more so in safi’s case than vinh’s, but i’ll touch upon that later! as for your question about vinh and his true feelings, well.
maybe he was in love with safi once upon a time. maybe the fact he believed that he was in love with her is really all that matters. i suppose it depends on what your definition of romantic love and utter devotion is. it’s undeniable he cared fiercely for safi, enough so to become jealous of max ( safi’s object of obsession ), swear off serious relationships in hope she’d want him back, and to engage in a general meddling within her life to make sure she comes out of situations as unscathed as possible. i mean, he schemes to steal a cow skull and then proceeds to throw it through her windshield in an attempt to save yasmin’s and safi’s relationship … it is very extra of him to do, in fact it’s a literal crime, and the game has both max and safi acknowledge the intensity of said action in episode four. we see the memory of the hedgehog he proudly displays on his desk, the carelessness in which safi treats it, her ‘i’ll buy you another one if it breaks’, and how vinh simpers beneath that offer because he doen’t want a new one, he wants this one, the one safi gave him : a gift that was likely unprompted, some sort of surprise maybe, given to him on a whim and cherished better than any other possession he owns. we also see how he breaks it when she dies. then there’s photos upon photos of safi on his phone and it’s implied he takes pictures after they sleep together and -- that isn’t even touching upon how he practically gives up on himself after her death. the mask drops, he starts trying to branch out and find acting gigs elsewhere, wanting to leave caledon forever, and there’s a sense of raw anger and loneliness he feels when she’s gone. he stops hooking up and pushes everyone away besides max, whom he clings to, and it’s a lot, right? there’s love there. obsession, probably. in many ways he’s still the ‘puppy’ following safi around like gwen said, only without maya this time. he waits and stews and he wants, certainly, for her to love him … but was it purely romantic love? who’s to say!
i think vinh wanted safi as his girlfriend before, maybe when things weren’t so tense, and he still believed that fiercely even when he stopped wanting it. i don’t think he knew where his feelings started to dwindle into something less excited and more resigned, or when he started looking for someone else. his priority remained with safi and with yasmin and thus there wasn’t a lot of time to dissect his heart, a rather vulnerable act he already struggles with anyway. he’s a repressive sort of man. he doesn’t do a lot of introspection because he has an act to maintain, a reputation to follow. but i do believe that by the time double exposure takes place, vinh’s love for safi has indeed shifted because his attraction to max veers on something that isn’t purely sexual. there is an undeniable interest, both in dead and living world, that he’s either embracing or squirming away from … i do not think vinh had many crushes at all when he was in love with safi. i don’t think he allowed himself that luxury, because he didn’t want to move on from her, or put himself off the market in case she wanted him again, in bed or in some profound, loving sense. lots of waiting. lots of surrendering, ‘she’ll come around, we’ll make up’, and hoping despite himself. so his romance with max proves to me that vinh is somewhat right in saying ‘or i thought i was’ when talking about safi and being in love with her, because he was before, but he isn’t exactly in love with her now, if that makes sense? i’d say an emotional attachment is a good title for what they have by the time of the games events.
( i do not wish to diminish vinh’s feelings, but i also think there’s a case to be made that he was rather desperate when he thought himself in love with safi ; there was a lot of insecurity within him back when he was a student, weighed down by the fact he was poor and not your standard run-of-the-mill white man … as an adult he scoffs at his acting abilities and wields his power as head of abraxas with a rather tight fist, as though it’s the only control he’s ever had before. it’s rather clear his only two friends were safi and maya and that vinh hasn’t had any since them -- was desperate to stay on their heels despite the fact he was never really apart of whatever they had. it’s not a stretch to speculate that vinh was, perhaps, a cocktail mix of loneliness and desperation rather than strictly in love with safi. maybe confused his all-consuming need to be around her as desire, or maybe just enjoyed feeling wanted by safi enough to mix his wires. after all, why was it safi he was in love with and not maya? vinh also uses sex as a means of coping, as seen by his rather active sex life in game via hookup apps and reggie, so maybe his sex with safi was just that. coping. in it’s own way. regardless, he did love her, or so he thinks so, and to me i think that’s enough, speculation aside )
safiya’s side of things is much more difficult than vinh’s, who is more obvious about his feelings towards her than he thinks he is. there are some brief contradictions, like how it’s stated that safi doesn’t care for vinh ( which is true ) and yet she also acknowledges that when she split apart and lost herself, all that was left of her was moses, lucas, gwen, and vinh. we know that moses and gwen matter to safi, or mattered, and that at one point safi might’ve admired lucas … so where does that leave vinh? if she doesn’t hate him like gwen or lucas now, and if she doesn’t cherish him like moses or max, why is he still apart of her? what does that mean? is it just a metaphor for their times with maya, and how safi will always be connected to that past with vinh because of her love for the caledon’s personal dead girl? was her sleeping with vinh about maya too? or did she actually care for vinh once, albeit weakly and casually, and did that fleeting moment of affection count when she vanished into everyone who’s ever thoroughly affected her life? and, as you said, it’s so fascinating that she hooks up with vinh at all post maya death … it feels strange and odd and unlike her. even in their intimate picture together after fooling around she is nothing but angry, disinterested, her underwear and bra are already back on ( if they were ever off at all? ) and while that’s on account of safi just hating photos, i also think it’s a testament to how irritable she finds vinh’s presence when stuck in it. it’s not a happy photo really, even vinh’s expression is a little red-eyed, forced, like he was likely wasted the night prior. i wouldn’t be surprised if safi was only able to be with vinh if she was … you know … literally out of her mind drunk or high or what have you.
though, that’s just speculation of course. my vague take on things is that safi went to vinh whenever she was partied out or if she was feeling particularly destructive that day ; choked with self loathing over her mom or maya and so sex with vinh was a means for her to feel even worse. some sort of self harm, some sort of outlet where she could be particularly cruel and evil without consequence, because vinh would take it and roll over -- could even be her way of controlling things too, like vinh with abraxas, because we know vinh has no issues with being led around in the bedroom, so that’s some food for thought. i don’t think she thinks about it after or remembers it much … she really doesn’t think about vinh unless it suits her or if she needs to. i always notice how, in episode four, safiya immediately knows what max is talking about when she asks if safi’s ever transformed into amanda, gwen, or lucas. she owns up immediately, confesses, and understands intimately what situation max is referring to. but when max asks about vinh and the phone, there is a brief moment where safi just stares blankly at her -- like she’s thinking about it, like she doesn’t even remember, before it finally clicks after a beat. either she wears vinh’s metaphorical skin a lot ( which, to be fair, she does pretend to be vinh a lot in game ) or she literally thinks of him so little she’ll forget everything about him in minutes. both are likely! she doesn’t even recall what type of alcohol he likes, calling it bougie japanese brandy ‘or whatever’ … and can’t be assed to remember his phone’s pin number exactly, only vague details about a magician scientist that she clearly thought was boring and lame when vinh told her said story, if her hostility and complete forgetfulness is anything to go by. for me, it’s easy to get caught up in a ‘safi did care! she had to!’ angle about vinh, although the game repeatedly shows you over and over again that she does not. she doesn’t even care that max kissed him really, if anything, she’s more jealous of vinh being with max given some of her remarks :
( i know, technically, safi’s ‘come again?’ is more nervous than jealous per se … but there is a certain air to it, especially given the ‘i can be your new boyfriend’ comment as seen above lol. if she loves max and doesn’t care for vinh, i can only imagine how she’d feel about their romance in particular! )
and, of course, there’s that part in episode four where safi can disguise herself as vinh in order to tear lucas a new one. i enjoy that part for many reasons! seeing how safi feels so much more comfortable in someone else’s skin than her own is fascinating and makes for good foreshadowing … but there is also the reveal of her opinions on vinh, unabashed and shameless, when she is finally giving him an ounce of thought :
it’s interesting! she doesn’t care for him, really, doesn’t loathe him like lucas or gwen or her own mother, but there’s a level of vitriol regardless. she thinks him fake. she thinks him a coward. she thinks he’s scared of facing consequences and that he only acts in his own self interest and she hates every bit of that. while safi can confess to doing maya wrong and hating herself for it, she never allows vinh that same courtesy. even says as much to max, claiming that only she had the humanity to regret her choice while vinh apparently didn’t. and yet … she doesn’t hate him? doesn’t feel strongly towards him? he’s still apart of her, a large part, and she can get along with him fine on crosstalk if she so pleases and she can hate his guts but, when the raw truth is revealed, she apparently feels nothing towards him at all? it is fascinating to think about is all. how she doesn’t wish him dead but doesn’t care if he’s alive either despite everything they’ve been through, even though she hates gwen and lucas and her mother more. it’s rather mean, though that’s what makes it so complex and interesting. it shows that safi only ever cares ( and oh, does she care fiercely, obsessively ) for a very slim group of people, and that when push comes to shove, everyone else can fend for themselves for all she cares. she would protect moses and max in a heartbeat, without thought, and the piece of her within them tries valiantly to keep them safe by locking them away from the world ( another thing to dissect, certainly! ), but she doesn’t really extend such empathy towards the innocents caught in her crossfire. she may be tormenting lucas and gwen specifically, but everyone else was going to be collateral damage and safi was fine with that. at least a little bit. vinh falls in that category of inevitable damage, i think, despite their closeness and despite their history, and you can tell that’s what really wounds him at the end of things. safi couldn’t even torment him, didn’t have the want or energy to do so, he was valiantly apart of her and safi didn’t even care about that. very interesting! it’s also heartbreaking in many ways to see two people who should’ve been able to lean on each other, who should’ve loved one another, be nothing but strangers at the end of things. an example of how tragedy doesn’t always bring people closer. sometimes it drives you worlds apart from the one you should be grieving with, which can be seen in other life is strange games, most notably with chloe and joyce, i think.
anyway! tldr : it’s complicated and worth exploring. there are many ways you can interpret their relationship and i highly encourage everyone to find what angle is most interesting to them! and i don’t blame you for finding their dynamic fascinating because it’s easily one of my favorites in double exposure … i don’t think of it often, but it’s always lingering in the back of my mind. regardless, i hope this word vomit is helpful! if i brought up more questions than answers, i do apologize. but thank you so much for such a fun question <3 it was an absolute blast, and tickled my brain enough to pump this out asap.
#my asks.#life is strange double exposure#vinh lang#safiya llewellyn fayyad#ohhhh these two. THESE TWO!!!! i genuinely have no clue what’s going on with them#but there’s a palpable sense of pain no matter how you swing their dynamic and i love it#lots of yearning and dismissal and an ache you know? hate. betrayal. love. obsession …#you could name the feelings between them but putting an actual label on things is what’s most difficult#which. ironically. fits their relationship in its entirety haha#many thoughts and feelings — i just hope this captures even a sliver of them anon!!!#i will also say i tentatively think safi and vinh slept together before maya’s death at LEAST one time#because that makes sense as to why safi would be more inclined to do it again. even after#i also think she stopped after max came into the picture. as vinh words it ‘she was obsessed’ with max#and never stopped talking about her … so i think she stopped with vinh entirely. she’s so far up max’s ass she stops having time for him#or something like that. lol#ANYWAY! i do think vinh loved safi and i do think four years ago safi at least cared for vinh#but she certainly doesn’t anymore. and though he’ll always love her i don’t think it’s romantic anymore either#that’s my take!!! as bland as can be!!!!#thank you sm again !!!
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ok prediction time
(it’s my first time playing bg3, i know nothing about the plot; DO NOT SPOIL ANYTHING FOR ME. currently im at moonrise towers and the extent of gale’s plot is that he’s been stabilised by elminster and has also just made the shadow lantern. shoutout to astarion for being the only one not to tell me that was a bad idea, that’s when you know you’re making good life choices)
so what i’m getting from this is that the big moral choice in gale’s story is gonna be to get forgiveness and acceptance from mystra (presumably before/without using the orb) vs embracing his own ambitions and, having a vague idea of the intensity of some of the endings, possibly going way off the deep end with that
while i don’t know the full story for other companions, im feeling like gale was probably the best choice for me in terms of playing an origin because im an extreme completionist and im going to get sage inspiration points all over the place, but im also going to push *everything*. i want to follow every potentiality to its end, make dodgy deals, play all sides, etc.
and surface-level that sounds good for playing as astarion (definitely getting a lot of charlatan inspiration), but what it really means is that i get a lot of approval from astarion and also i feel like it’s gonna affect the way gale’s story ends a lot more. gonna try not to go too far off the deep end but it’s gonna be pretty tempting lmao. i’ll just keep downing these tadpoles and ‘trusting’ my hot dream guy. nothing can possibly go wrong!
#i do save before major decisions in case i regret it and i don’t feel bad about doing that#‘live with your choices’ why? ‘it’s cheating’ i could only be cheating myself and i feel perfectly happy playing this way lmao#i don’t feel bad reloading to retry failed rolls it means nothing to me#personal#bg3#ash plays bg3#gale#it’s exciting finally hitting a big story section where loads of companion quests are advancing#it’s also really cool how all the separate stories are still directly integral to the plot#which sounds like something that should be a given but like. the rpg i’ve played the most in recent months is dai#which has like. a dozen hours at a time that have nothing to do with the main story#bg3 constantly feels like it’s moving forward and each companion’s story is gonna make a difference in the end#i could just be getting my hopes up. like you don’t have to recruit any of them so they can’t be *essential*#but the themes certainly are. especially lae’zel and shadowheart#when do i get to fuck halsin tho? i know about that whole scenario lmao. guess what choice im gonna make there i dare you#(don’t actually tell me when that’s gonna happen!!!!!!!!!! no spoilers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
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my brother can make me laugh without moving at all. he can make me laugh on command, just by existing, and there is no physical tell or indication that it is about to happen. it’s like he can will me to laugh and i will. of course we’re not telepathic, but we do speak in unison sometimes. we improvise like no one’s business. we could fool anyone into believing we are psychically linked. when i try to explain it, i sound silly saying it out loud, but i really CAN tell what he’s thinking. we exchange so much information just with a look. he can make me cry laughing and he doesn’t even have to move
#i miss him so much i need him back i need him to live next to me again. i need to mooch off his wifi from my porch and invite him over#i miss him so much.#he’s only 2 minutes younger but he feels years younger. and yet i think we’re two halves of one soul#i’ve always babied him not even in a mean or diminishing way but i felt this need to protect him#because he tends to be so naive and so shy#but. i am so proud of him. i need to show him off to everyone and i need everyone to understand how funny and charming he is#it feels like i grew up and left him where he will remain 11 forever. i miss him more than moving back home can fix#i miss him in ways that have nothing to do with the distance between our locations#but. it would certainly help to be able to see him every day#i keep smelling the carpet in his room and it’s so vivid. i remember the countless hours we spent developing huge wood block cities#and we would drive hot wheels over the wooden raceways we had made. we were actually quite coordinated and autistic about it#we were always building things together#just recently me and him talked on the phone about an old mlp au we came up with. all original characters and shit#it was super extensive and very clever#i STILL think it would make a really cool book series or something#i remember watching him play army men RTS gamecube on the wii. i STILL listen to the soundtrack to that game like…. daily#i remember walking into my room once where he was watching a show. and he was crying#and he NEVER cries over tv#but he was crying because his favorite character had resigned from the organization that the series was based around#and he was so distraught that she was leaving.#i remember when all 3 of us slept in one room. i remember when me and him were in bunk beds across the room#and we would sneak out of bed right as the parents left and stayed up playing by the light of the nightlight#the way we raced back into bed when the parents were approaching 😭#my mom always says she’s sad that i seem to remember so little of my life. like every story of my youth is news to me lmao#but i feel like i remember the most important parts? i think so#i remember how mom woke me up in the night to ask me to roll over because my bro could see my face from where he was sleeping#and he was scared because there was a weird shadow cast on my face that made it look like a skull which was making it hard for him to sleep#it was. so funny. i begrudgingly rolled over#i don’t know. it’s just that there isn’t a single instance i bring up that my brother does not also remember.#no matter how tiny or specific. we shared everything growing up
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for months i genuinely wholeheartedly could not tell the 911 guys apart and this is so important for me to stress bc throughout my life i have prided myself on being able to tell twins apart really easily and liking being that person to connect faces to other things ive watched or honestly just seen in passing like i could track down a random commercial actress and shit and i mean i suppose part of that is not knowing their characters and they just twin all the time but i apologize still im aware that mans last name is diaz and now i feel like im sitting here laid up @ all the tumblr lesbians like haha damn so thats buck x eddie? that said idk if im like happy i know any of this.
#but it’s chill it feels like a good part of the tumblr ecosystem most of the time i’m like just there enough to be like yuppp i know that#guy. sometimes u talk abt them and im like i just don’t know if its that crazy. then u say some other stuff and i’m like ok that is lowkey#crazy but still i think even if i ever watched it. which i dont rlly plan on. but if it happened i think id have to move in silence#oh god a skunk went off right outside my window man 🙄😒😒😒😒😒😔 anywayzuh i don’t think i need to contribute to any of these conversations but#god knows i love to jump on anything to give my thoughts. so. we shallnt#abby talks#and well u know i’m sorry i think u have to know i’m on a fragile branch (my way of saying thin ice obnoxiously)#when it comes to any of these shows. let alone these circumstances. like u have to know i’m looking any going hmm… is this really just some#guy tho. bc like many such cases. it feels good to know it’s a lot of dykes but like when is the last time everyone flocked to a character#as such. i’m blanking. it certainly can’t be unprecendented.#what are u SAYING bro 🤣😎‼️😭#ok woah this is so terrible im hungry i dont want to go downstairs and make food come back up and have to go down and brush my teeth again#but i don’t think i have anything up hereeee… and either way it smells of a skunk fucking everywhereeee. i say from the place ive been#sitting the past 15 minutes. in my bed <3#i feel like i’m confessing my sins#but what i was getting at is there’s certainly something there. compels me#who said that president snow or smth
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#to clarify for anyone unfamiliar with the us legal system bc the game itself gets it wrong: law licenses are state by state#and montana and georgia specifically have different bar exams#and multiple characters refer to him being a lawyer in the past tense.#which i think could allowably mean ‘‘before the reaping’’ or that it’s no longer his *primary* occupation#but i think ‘‘before he came to hope county’’ is more straightforward#and while i certainly think he was de facto operating as legal counsel for the cult and characters mention him doing so#most of what he was doing wasn’t anything that would require he actually be a lawyer#like he was just doing bribes and threats and negotiations any old guy could do that.#i don’t think his ass ever stood up in a court of law in montana and entered his appearance on a case.#and there would be several reasons he wouldn’t want to draw the heat of submitting to a fresh character and fitness exam to be admitted#(i do not acknowledge the dlc as canon but i begrudgingly admit it supports my argument here)#anyways.#this could be a fandom settled discussion i just missed. but people (including myself) often refer to him as a lawyer in present tense#so i am curious how many of us mean that as in literally licensed in montana#john seed#only polite discourse please
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i legitimately think it was better for the world overall when i was just able to tell any guy interested in me that i was gay so there was never any chance anyway
#i hate feeling guilty for being unsure of my feelings#by which i mean i feel nothing#but i’ve just been trying to experiment#and try to see if i can feel something for someone who actually wants me back#who statistically is most likely to be a man#has this entire bisexual crisis been a response to being brutally rejected after catching intense feelings#for a woman religiously bound to heterosexuality despite the fact that we met writing gay fanfic?#almost certainly#but fuck man i don’t think it’s helping#idk if i’m bi or gay but i do know that i hate pretending to feel things i don’t feel#almost as much as i hate feeling things i know are bad for me#sorry for the vent it’s just been a time#and i feel so guilty for almost accidentally stringing this guy on and clearly hurting his feelings by not actually having them#i thought i was being clear but#man#i suck at this#literally cannot win with either gender#and i’m extra terrible bc i’ve been the one in his position with women several times before
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I do worry if I get the job im applying for I’ll “relapse” or “slip back” or what have you. Because if I get the job I will 100% have the money to get blackout drunk 7 days a week and from my vantage point right here I will take it. It takes a great deal of sacrifice and suffering for me to skip a day or even get less drunk than usual and with the whole “having a job and being more physically and emotionally drained” I’m almost certainly gonna drink more to cope. I dunno.
#luke.txt#drunkposting#i am perfectly capable of doing school hungover so I assume that will apply for work too#and either way the mall opens at 10 am which is SUPER LATE for a hangover to still be at its nastiest#I do worry about the fact the mall closes at 9#and if I get home at 9:30 from work at 9#I won’t have med time to get drunk#which I will almost certainly NEED after work#so either I say sorry I can’t close Fucking Ever and risk not getting hired because of that#or I suffer in the torture labyrinth#god. god god god.#I do have days of the week ranked most to least good days to get drunk#taking my probable work hours in mind#but who knows! who knows#I need this job so bad holy shit#I don’t CARE if it’s $10.85 an hour! 1 shift buys a weeks worth of vodka!!!‼︎
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I feel like if one wants — and is trying to give themself — a mental disorder by using the label of “transid,” then they are probably already disordered in some other way that they are in denial of; because it‘s more stigmatized, or “less interesting” than the neurotype they’ve chosen to mimic… which is sad because they’re masking in two different directions at that point: one to hide their illness, the other to create an illness… which will lead to more illness. Bleak, to be honest.
#I kind of used to be like that as a kid. I claimed to have “multiple personalities” when I didn’t…#my brain just attaches characters to thoughts as a form of organization; and at that time the different concepts were “warring”#(AKA: I was trying to make logical sense of information when I had zero critical thinking skills because I was raised in a cult)#And I knew I didn’t really have different personalities deep down; but my sense of self was so fractured#that I wanted the different pieces to be different people so I could make the need to think about my issues go away#I simply wanted one “personality” to kill the others so I would imagine long bloody battles between my “selves” in my head#to exorcise my mind of impure thoughts (which never worked because they weren’t real people#and I couldn’t kill them because the people I created symbolized concepts and desires on which my brain perseverated every waking moment)#I was trying to kill off parts of myself to attain everlasting life on a paradise earth; so I could build a real Data and android children#in Paradise#so if I died in Armageddon from bad behavior (watching Markiplier and having fun times in the shower) I’d be killing them too#And the only other kid I saw who claimed to want a disorder (“wanted” to have OCD) wanted it because they wanted to be like a character#and they were later diagnosed with — you guessed it — autism!#Also both of us had an astonishing amount of free time on the internet and were raised essentially as only children in a cult#So I think a lot of it is isolation and just not knowing who you are because you never see yourself react to anything in real life#You don’t know what you would do in situations and therefore have no sense of self from total lack of life experience#And I actually had OCD for awhile as well… I kicked it for the most part. But the whole rumination battle thing was certainly a sign
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starting to realize podcast writing might be so difficult for me bc I don’t like episodic writing.. I miss my big storylines and slowly building up to something
#which is so weird bc like. one shot fic writing can technically be considered episodic right?? and I have no problem doing that#all day my brain has been like ‘we should start a new novel that would be fun wouldn’t it?’#‘a brand new spankin novel. ignore all the other projects you have lined up. let’s work on a fantasy on a whim!’#I just miss writing fantasy I think. been reading some cozy fantasy books lately and it makes me wanna write fantasy again#it’s been a while tbh.#what if.. what if I do enjoy episodic writing this is just the wrong time???#so maybe I /should/ start a new novel on a whim#<�� doesn’t even have any ideas or vibes to work with#or maybe. I’m a baby and a coward and I’m trying to come up with any excuse to avoid writing simply bc it’s hard and I don’t wanna#(<— likely)#listen. I know starting something new will completely throw me off my schedule. and I most likely won’t start something new#esp without any ideas buzzing around in my brain#But! if any ideas /did/ happen to creep up on me I’m certainly not opposed to entertaining them…#but I’ll still write the podcast dwdw#I will LEARN to enjoy this writing form or so help me#blahblahbills
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aight im just gonna say it. some folks really gotta stop treating nishikiryu like they’re actually related and considering anyone who’s so much as Okay with them as a pairing of being incest apologists. like. that’s a legitimately fucked up and serious thing to accuse someone of just because of your view of two factually unrelated fictional characters.
#like. i really don’t like yumi being a love interest for kiryu and think she’d be best as a sister figure to him#a dynamic which could’ve formed while growing up alongside him at sunflower. that absolutely does not mean I would start blocking#and shittalking people for being ‘incest shippers’ as if I have the mora high ground and self righteousness to do so#it is really not different. only difference is the use of the word kyodai. which is an honorary title and not inherently synonymous with#viewing someone as your Actual Literal Sibling.#like just. chill the fuck out.#throwing that kinda accusation around is honestly no better than someone throwing around terms like ‘abuser’ or ‘gaslighting’#over subjective and unserious situations#no one is asking you to change your view of them. no one’s asking you to like them as a pairing. just say you don’t see it that way and move#on. not everything is a moral issue where someone needs to be condemned for something.#tldr: don’t be an asshole#this reminds me of the post that’s like. hey sometimes it’s okay to just say you don’t like someone/something without trying to prove#that disliking it is the Morally Correct thing to do.#like for real dude.#anyway might delete this later or simplify it becuase I have honestly been scared to say anything about this for a long time#due to seemingly the majority of people considering this a highly controversial hot button issue#also sure blocking people is an option but. if you like someone/most of someone’s content and just don’t like a certain pairing or topic or#whatever that they’ll reblog on occasion you can also just. block the tag. unless they don’t tag their shit then it’s more understandable#but i most certainly do and I appreciate when other people do the same because I have one major pairing tag in this fandom blocked because#of how much i don’t like it and plenty of people I follow post this pairing occasionally and shockingly it does not bother me. because#of the ability to filter via tags. it’s really not hard#anyway yeah sorry. let’s see how fast I delete this cause boy am I scared of getting eaten alive for this Apparently Hot Take#rambling#edit: also just wanna note that this isn’t even my main/favorite pairing or anything. im not a diehard nishikiryu guy#im a diehard kazumaji guy though for sure. but I have a strong opinion on the topic because. like I said. the gravity of people’s#accusations is beyond Not Okay
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Lord don’t let this be the day my egg is cracked
#i mean. it sort of already is#but still#having a crisis about my gender identity in the shower 🥰🥳🥳#from Jaime#Taylor’s MIA which is probably why I’m feeling it so intensely today#*sigh*#trans#nb#intersex#it’s hard to explain and maybe it doesn’t even matter and I’m just overthinking it#maybe I’m just blendy rn or it’s all in my head.#but basically…#our parents wanted a girl So Bad. and I won’t necessarily say they didn’t get one. they certainly got Something#a girl-thing. I’m definitely not a man#but I’m not a woman either. I’m a she exactly like how the ocean and the moon and dogs are#but if I were a ruler I’d be a King. not a Queen. and I’m definitely a Mx. and not a Ms./Mrs.#I’m not a he. they is okay but it doesn’t quite fit. same with she I guess.#don’t even get me started on body stuff. I’d like top surgery but I’m scared.#I know I don’t want bottom surgery though#i think for now I’m most comfortable as an ‘it’.#A girlthing. emphasis on thing. 💙#it’s been almost a year to the day since my hair started growing thicker and my period stopped unexplainably (it’s been a few years now—#…since it started doing that technically)#but honestly? I’m vibing with it!#should probably still see a doctor though
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the peanut brain strikes again of “not everyone has done that much stuff in this game dipshit”
#I forget it most often with eureka bc most of my time I spent in eureka is a haze#there are certainly fun parts of story to it. it’s all just spread out over the vast stretch of near mindless level grinding#and fucking Pagos. fuck pagos#it’s so pretty and for what! she’s got like next to no plot!#but I forge how difficult it really is to get dyeable lvl 70 job gear bc people don’t have the eureka levels#the ways in which they’ve done dyeable job gear in 14 is wild#like Stormblood is all in eureka. ShB is tokens from an EX trial. EW is do these role quests#I don’t remember ARR or HW tbh#point being I Forget About Stuff#owen plays ffxiv#me remembering I am at least kinda competent at this game: no way
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i can’t believe for a brief amount of time when i didn’t like requiems holy shit they’re so good??? i mean some movements can be boring but like if you listen to dies irae from mozart and don’t somewhat explode i do not understand you, also verdi’s dies irae it’s really the fucking song ever
#ezra enjoys music#sadly i’ve never sung verdi but it’s certainly not improbable for the future#we didn’t do all of mozart either i mean we did kinda just do the exciting ones but like yeah#and then when it isn’t the intense ones or the mildly dull ones it’s the emotion ones which are also very good!!!#i might be mixing up my requiem and mass for peace admittedly#but i don’t care because karl jenkins wrote the armed man mass for peace and i changed as a person#oh my god but as a minor rant why in the most popular mozart’s requiem version do they pronounce perpetua perpitua#it sounds so awkward and out of place!!! or maybe we did it wrong#anyway! the point i was making was music good i fucking love music oh my god#for anyone who doesn’t really know me well i feel i should clarify i’m not religious or anything this music just sounds very good#i need to listen to stainer’s crucifixion at some point actually parts of it are wild#there’s a song from the perspective of jesus dying on the cross n he’s like having a breakdown#i mean then it does just repeat oh come unto me over and over which is less exciting but whatever#christianity#<- just in case??? like it’s not but yknow not everyone just listens to this music for the silly#ok i’ll stop rambling now tumblr is glitching the tags at me slightly again#ezra likes music
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Wait. Your family spoke Syriac? Is that what you’re saying?
Not doubting, just looking for clarification.
I’ve been fascinated by the language and I wish that the Assyrians had an independent country again, they’ve been through no end of shit these last few centuries.
(I have several posts relating to them and the Syriac language, you can reblog them if you wish)
I’m an Irishman and I don’t speak a word of Irish, I’m generally bad at speaking other languages in general and it makes me feel dumb.
And the lessons in had in school never stuck with me.
Hence why I have plans to learn Armenian and Syriac.
not syriac! I’m also irish (american) :) a lot of my great/great-great grandparents moved over here bc they were in poverty in ireland during the era when the us was still really hostile to the irish, hence why they had to hide that fact. over just a couple generations they full on forgot the language. my grandpa (immigrated after serving in wwii) was sort of the only exception to that, he’s where I learned most of my irish culture knowledge from
#the rest of my family is scottish/german jewish n somehow I have one (1) native argentinian abuela I’m really not sure how that one happened#but in terms of Endangered Langauges I’m referring to irish specifically bc I know it’s certainly not spoken in america#it was endangered in ireland too for a while wasn’t it?#ik the statistic last time I saw was that more ppl not in ireland spoke irish than ppl living there which is. fucking crazy#ik most of my relatives there don’t speak it either :(#gonna learn once I have the free time I think#but first I have to fix my spanish bc Oh God It’s So Bad#sanswers
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